Withholding feelings & the affection are the most painful, along with not validating my feelings & intentions. Finally walked away from him, as painful as it was
I couldn't stand it to always hear this, "What are you talking about?" I always said, "Your denial does not change the facts and the truth of what just happened!"
Yes this happens constantly. It’s been 20yrs & I still find myself trying to explain emotions, respect & truth to him. It’s absolutely exhausting & he always acts completely oblivious to his actions & always has every excuse in the book of why he acts this way. “It’s never his fault though.” Thank you for your videos Dr. Dart:)
Oh yes, whenever I would try to discuss something that needed to be discussed with a narcissistic ex, he would say that I was just trying to argue and that I "couldn't let things go". Don't listen to this crap. They just don't want to take responsibility and accountability. This is an absolute sign of weakness.
My ex pulled up at my home a few days ago, just sadly funny how when you’re trying to move forward, they wanna pop up! Smh only to do the same things they were doing. It’s all about power and control smh so sad
All of these videos....18 years.... i listen to these to remind myself I didn’t make it all up...to get strong enough to finally move on....I went so far as to shave my head New Years Day as a daily reminder that this is the year to start a new chapter. Thank you for your support, Dr. Denise 💖⚡️
Thanks so much for this video on "Playing Pretend". I experienced a lot of this, but I have not seen anyone else address this issue, so didn't realise it was a common tactic of these abusers. SO HELPFUL AND VALIDATING! Even some of the language he used was the same, like, "ancient history" I can laugh about it now, but it was NOT funny when I was still with him. The garbage I let him get away with amazes me! But he sure didn't calculate on my leaving him. Almost 8 months NC. Praise God for the strength to get out.
As a diagnosed schizophrenic, I'm more vulnerable to emotional and mental abuse than the average person, and my last relationship took advantage of that. I'd be on my medication, doing well at work and the second she disagreed with me on something, she'd start the process of gaslight, threatening me with the hospital if I didn't agree with her, telling people in social Interactions not to take anything I said seriously, and telling of my condition without my consent, often with me standing right there, them lashing out at me for being awkward for forgetful, which are two things a person with my condition can't control in stressful situations. I don't know if I can ever be in another relationship after that.
Jerrald, relationships can be hard; even more so when coping with symptoms of schizophrenia. My heart goes out to you. It takes courage to step out and take a chance on a relationship. Gaslighting and other tactics used by toxic people can turn someone's life upside down. I appreciate your comment and wish you all the best!
Yeah the pretend thing happened a lot. One time he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me as hard as possible screaming and yelling at me in the kitchen before the school bus got there to pick up the kids. The kids saw the whole thing and freaked out. I left after they got on the bus and went to my counselor's office to talk. A few hours later when I came home he was calm and said very happily, "Hi honey, how was your morning?" He pretended like that never happened. I knew then I needed to get out but I stayed for a couple more months.
The toxic ex I left less than a year ago...his go to response was "I had a different perspective" (about what we agreed to or talked about) Maddening! He was also a master stonewaller! He used to try to make me laugh when I was upset...so dismissive. He did that with his kids too...poor things.
When asked to address something that he said, he said he didn't say it. Over and over again, he denied it. Then told me I was imagining things and that something was wrong with me.
I think the problem with abuse victim is suppressed disgust. Contempt=anger + disgust. Where they should feel contempt, they feel only anger. Disgust makes you leave. The optimal strategy to play an abusers game is not to play. Their disgust doesnt work, they feel anger not contempt, they dont leave, they lose the game.
I feel so dead and so out of my reality that I wonder if I’m the abusing one. But I’m sure that I didn’t want to abuse anyone and tried to provide space for communication until I couldn’t anymore because every time I was being mocked, used or accused of something I was sure I wasn’t doing. It makes me feel crazy and so sad.
Think back to how you were before the narcissist entered your life. Being lied to, cheated on, demeaned, dismissed, and discarded doesn't tend to bring out the best in us. Often times it's the emotional and behavioral changes in the victims of abuse that become the motivation for change. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM 💜 THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO LIVE.
This is validating. Thank you this exactly what has happened. Hope has been very dangerous for me, indeed. I oftentimes feel the fear. I try too hard in giving too much. Reciprocity isn't necessarily given. I'm grieving for loss with these growing pains...ceist la vie.
I recall sending a lengthy text to the EA about him still having feelings for his ex and suggesting that he return to her and stsating it was okay ... when we met and I enquired about it .. he simply stated he ignored it becuase it was not so ... and so foolishly I felt reassured ... of course only to realize later I was triangulated into a huge drama production with his ex and it ah has been years of drama to which he seems to have been an inncocent victim .. but they are never innocent victim .. ever!!!!!!!!!!! pure manipulation ....
yes, this is on the table all the time. I didn't consider _________ or _______ important so I didn't hold it to memory, I don't know what your talking about.
Dr. Dart...you and the topic of your video is an answer to my Prayers!! I've been struggling and suffering actually believing that I've been the root cause of all the turmoil in the relationship with my brother....thank you so much..keep up the good work. You are very easy to understand. Blessings
I can 100% relate - since i can remember my mom has been way more immature than her age. I got away from her immaturity, control, insecurities, etc and then the pandemic happened:/ its been misery ever since and im Dreaming of the day i can return back to my carefree-safe-quiet life without her in it again. Everything you mention can happen in any relationship really, tbh!
Yes,m. I started think I was going crazy, so I started secretly recording. Not so much to confront him, but to determine if reality for me was true. Honey! These recordings confirmed for me who was really crazy. I'm telling you, listening to these recordings helped me. After a year of recordings, I did eventually tell him about the recordings, and now with the exposure, he has changed to be more secretive. If you record to validate your true existence, it does not work to let him know. Keep the info to yourself. He has always challenged me to let him hear the recordings, and one time he asks "how will I (he) react to the recordings"? I said "I dont KNow". He stopped asking about the recordings cause I think he already knows, he sounds and is crazy. Plus I aint giving him no access to those recordings anyway. It helps me to remember who he is and to keep me from going back to him.
crazy making at it's finest. the many tears I've shed and feelings of disbelief . I continue to describe the narcissist as despicable.. another video that thankfully validates my experience. thank you ! I just found you and your videos about a week ago and so glad I did !
pathological liars! Thank you for calling them out. Narcissists are great actors and they believe their own lies. Empath people who are loving and caring are the targets. Get out because they won't change period. and if they are called so called Christians they say "Jesus forgave me" poof it all gone. smh No accountability at all. They will use what ever their kids, God, whatever they can to make themselves look good.
He pops up every couple of months like nothing happened, trying the same tired routine on me. Just like we have been talking for the last eight months even though I have ignored him this whole time. Even though the last time we talked eight months ago he told me I mean zero to him and he was just using me to get what he wanted. But here comes another message from him, just like nothing bad ever happened, even the same old boring topics he always wants to talk about. Pretending like everything is the same, nothing has changed, he can still message me and I will respond and listen to his same boring stories again.
He always pretended he didn't beat me busted my face open then acted like nothing the next day. It happened so many times I lost count. He even told me he never said I was pretty when he clearly did. It was awful
OMG! This was exactly my late husband: He was a master “dancer”, and would find anything to do his fancy footwork of denial at: His common line was: “That happened last year, month, week, yesterday..”; it didn’t matter as long as it had happened. That was his big excuse, his ace card if you will. He thought it absolved him of everything if the issue was over. I once explained to him that everything that happens immediately becomes the past so does that invalidate it? Then he would move to the blank stare or say: “You can out talk me, you’re smarter, better educated...I can’t win with you”...or move on the victim game: “I’m older than you; I have diabetes; I have....” I never got the support I needed as no one got this. He died two years ago and I stayed to look after him before his passing, even though I was planning on leaving. Who knows if I would have. Sadly, his death may have been the only release for me (I often feel guilty about his death).
She and I would be about the same age and when she was in the spotlight people used to stop me several times a day. It seemed everywhere I went people were saying, “Do you know who you look like???” Thank you for watching my videos. I feel happy when a video touches someone. I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. 💜
Very true about abusive relationships - they stay with you. Ive been in calm places of my life without him but anytime "abuse" tries to creep back in, you know it! My mom has always been an abuser so "when" she is allowed into my life - its just automatically expected - her Ursula side i like to call it!
Boundaries are essential for emotional health. When dealing when toxic people boundaries can protect you in countless ways! Establishing, communicating, and implementing boundaries is the best way to care for yourself. At first the push back can make it seem as though things are getting worse. Just know this is normal and stand your ground. As you step back, rather than leaning in, you will experience more and more the power to protect and care for yourself.
Thank You I have been looking for a site for support when I can't talk to my therapist. I to have been in a relationship that's unbelievable. He blames me for OUR problems, I am the fault for our daughter moving out, promised to go to marriage counselor ( didn't happen) accuses me of cheating, not only with a Pastor, and a woman. it is unbelievable, says he wants to "WORK" it out, yeah right We have been married for 30 years, this is not the man I married. He's mean, controlling, and you would think if I was cheating, he would not want me around. I know I wouldn't like having him around if he was cheating Go Figure? Help me
Hello Dr. Denise, Thank you so much for pointing out, what I needed to confirm. The pretending game is being in my marriage for many, many years. Exactly he refuses to communicate, to face important family issues. Is never the right time to talk, and if we do we get no where because he'll say to me something is wrong with you, you have everything material, you're just bored so you make up things to nag and complain. Because of my relationship with the Lord, I always humble and forgive him first, eventhough I had explained to him, by forgiving you doesn't mean I forget, it means things will change, but that never happens he just acts like nothing happened and moves on. Yet, for his family or other people he becomes or pretends to be an amazing listener, considerate, compassionate, caring. It's so frustrating 🥵🥵🥵 I'm so glad I found your videos, I finally realized a narcissist will never changed, but I am willing to change and to heal all my wounds through the years. Thank you and Blessings unto you Anna🤲🙏 p.s. to the person that didn't like you not saying about female narcissist, she's right is both, but most cases is men. If she didn't like it she can go and watch other doctors, that can help her, no one is saying to watch you.
I feel for everyone in these kind of situations, I am a man and I think my wife is abusive to me, I'm trying to educate myself and see if that is what is going on. I appreciate the videos, even though they are geared to women.
This is 💯 my husband!!! He also has Aspergers. The “pretend” thing is real!!! Whenever he hurt me but ready to move on, he will say “I am sorry we fought, or I am sorry we’ve argued”. Sometimes it comes with a fake hug, and then he immediately going back to hurt again if I am not 💯 ready to move on. Very toxic, backwards way of thinking. I am struggling to restore all the good that is still there.
@@DrDeniseDart ohh yes 👍🏻 we have Aspergers specialist plus we will do anything to support him as long as he’s willing. Otherwise there is no point to keep our marriage 🤷🏻♀️🤔
I had an abusive father do this thing where he would state some event that will blame me for his bad behavior that is completely false. My Dad claimed he didn't really start drinking until I was born, which was a complete lie, my Mom wanted to divorce him before I was born over his drinking and abuse.
I have depression and sometimes forget to take my meds.....so when the emotional abuse starts...you don't take your tablets. It's like his get out of jail free card. Even when I take them regularly he say you need to see someone...I've had enough. He gets me to the point where I cry then throws me a hope crumb and if I let him in the next breath is negative and it starts all over again. I've stayed in bed all day. He shouted up morning darling, I went in the back room and shut the door without replying. The night before he'd been swearing at me. I just went to sleep. He's got a lot of health problems so let's hope.
Keep your focus on yourself and doing everything you can for both your physical and emotional health. If you don’t already have a therapist please consider finding someone you feel comfortable working with. 💜
I was separated for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS and we got back together and its gotten progressively worse over the last 3 & 1/2 years. It took me ALOT of heartache to finally get to my end point. I am now saving up to move out and file for a divorce.
I'm glad my video was helpful to you! I've been offline for a while. Actually got locked out of my RUclips for a very long time! I'm back and will be doing videos on recovery.
It is so cruel to cause someone to question themselves in that way. We all have times when we forgot where we put something, or having difficulty remembering someone's name etc. The normal things that happen with age can be distressing and frustrating and then to have the person who is supposed to love and care for you suggest you have Alzheimer's is awful.
Love your messages. Just one suggestion- maybe don’t giggle/ laugh. I’m sure you’ve reached a healthy point where the abuser’s tactics are predictable and funny, but for me and maybe some other listeners, it’s still very raw/ serious/ scary. Thanks for all you do.
Natalie, thank you for your feedback. I smile and laugh to consciously shift the energy away from the pain and devastation we all know is. I will continue to smile, giggle, laugh and send as much love and care and I have in my heart to give. I refused to loose my joy and hope you will too! 💜
You cant play the game with them.Emotional abusers are Mentally ill and just Sad unempthatic losers.When a parent does this it makes you see them in the most unfavorable light..Abusers need to get off this earth and all of them just go somewhere and destroy each other! .
Mine doesn’t want to come back. I left and I think it wounded him. Some sick part of my brain wants him to try to get me back, but I know it’s for the best that he isn’t.
Denise it is so true what you say of pretending. That of I did not say that or you have say this or that - and that is not true, you have not say it. Those people do not matter what gender is sick.
I put a sign out stop stalking.he ctpled it up put it in a tree. I put it in recycling but i had a weekend without him stating at me All day on my days off. He has a business better not to make me supply
You are absolutely right that this is not a gender specific issue. My channel was designed to speak to a primarily female audience which is no way is intended to suggest that this problem only impact female victims.
Yes they do Glen. You are absolutely right. My channel was originally designed for a females audience. If you can see past the pronouns you may find a lot of useful information. I hope so. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment.
I'm a man and a transgender woman did this to me i got her into therapy, was at her beck and call, took care of her for 6 months while I was getting hit, called names told i was the problem when all i wanted was the best for her I'm glad to have moved on she manipulated me into being a lap dog DON'T SHOW INTEREST IN PRETENDERS
To love and care for another requires that we first love and care for ourselves. Self care is not selfish. As painful as this relationship was it sounds like you learned a lot. All the best to you! 💜
I was absolutely interested in this up to the minute mark when you said that its MEN that dont want to have conversations. You think there has NEVER been a woman that's done this? Sounds like that could be you if you think/believe that.
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. My channel was designed primarily for a female audience; the pronouns reflect that. The information in my videos is about behavior, not gender. Any person can be toxic and engage in emotional abuse. My heart goes out to you if you have experienced this in your relationship.
Dr. Dart, This is great information. I just want to add the fact that this abusive tactic of gaslighting is both a female and male tool. Women do it too. And women, because they are trained to fight with psychological warfare instead of with outright force, can be very effective at destroying their partners, especially if they play the "weaker sex" card and hook the guy in the knight in shining armor illusion. I lived through hell for 18 years, and now deal with a woman who is alienating me from my boys and destroys their psyche as sadistic abuse that she feeds on. I get to watch her abuse my children and turn them inside out, while the courts support her in her ploy as victim and "nurturing mother." So. . . . I think that although women are more often the ones to be validated in their victimization, the greater need is for men to get in touch with the flipside of being channeled into societies targets for catch 22 gender roles. Men have it tough in today's society, having both been brainwashed into having to be the big strong provider, suck it up, and never cry out for help, meanwhile Narcissist women who are armed with new feminist ideals take men to the cleaners. The double standards are all over the place. Anyway. . . I support your content and the fact that you support women in getting free from toxic men, . . . I just had to add my two cents. Thanks.
Sadly the person DID say that, you DO listen and there is never a good time to talk. Healthy people don't engage this way in relationships. A healthy person might say, "I don't remember saying then, tell me what you heard and help me understand your perspective." Gaslighting: when the person DID say that, you were both there and both know that it was said, and yet you will be berated until you agree to question you own reality.
I was in an emotional abusive marriage for 20 years. He never accepted any wrongdoing. He made me think I had problems. I left him 3 weeks ago.
Withholding feelings & the affection are the most painful, along with not validating my feelings & intentions. Finally walked away from him, as painful as it was
I couldn't stand it to always hear this, "What are you talking about?" I always said, "Your denial does not change the facts and the truth of what just happened!"
Yes this happens constantly. It’s been 20yrs & I still find myself trying to explain emotions, respect & truth to him. It’s absolutely exhausting & he always acts completely oblivious to his actions & always has every excuse in the book of why he acts this way. “It’s never his fault though.” Thank you for your videos Dr. Dart:)
Oh yes, whenever I would try to discuss something that needed to be discussed with a narcissistic ex, he would say that I was just trying to argue and that I "couldn't let things go". Don't listen to this crap. They just don't want to take responsibility and accountability. This is an absolute sign of weakness.
Love the ancient history stuff. And yet in the next breath he can dig something up from years ago as a reason why i am disturbed.
My ex pulled up at my home a few days ago, just sadly funny how when you’re trying to move forward, they wanna pop up! Smh only to do the same things they were doing. It’s all about power and control smh so sad
All of these videos....18 years.... i listen to these to remind myself I didn’t make it all up...to get strong enough to
finally move on....I went so far as to shave my head New Years Day as a daily reminder that this is the year to start a new chapter. Thank you for your support, Dr. Denise 💖⚡️
Thanks so much for this video on "Playing Pretend". I experienced a lot of this, but I have not seen anyone else address this issue, so didn't realise it was a common tactic of these abusers. SO HELPFUL AND VALIDATING!
Even some of the language he used was the same, like, "ancient history" I can laugh about it now, but it was NOT funny when I was still with him. The garbage I let him get away with amazes me! But he sure didn't calculate on my leaving him. Almost 8 months NC. Praise God for the strength to get out.
This happened to me. At first, I thought he was just mentally unclear, but it was purposeful. Great video, I subbed.
As a diagnosed schizophrenic, I'm more vulnerable to emotional and mental abuse than the average person, and my last relationship took advantage of that. I'd be on my medication, doing well at work and the second she disagreed with me on something, she'd start the process of gaslight, threatening me with the hospital if I didn't agree with her, telling people in social Interactions not to take anything I said seriously, and telling of my condition without my consent, often with me standing right there, them lashing out at me for being awkward for forgetful, which are two things a person with my condition can't control in stressful situations. I don't know if I can ever be in another relationship after that.
Jerrald, relationships can be hard; even more so when coping with symptoms of schizophrenia. My heart goes out to you. It takes courage to step out and take a chance on a relationship. Gaslighting and other tactics used by toxic people can turn someone's life upside down. I appreciate your comment and wish you all the best!
Yeah the pretend thing happened a lot. One time he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me as hard as possible screaming and yelling at me in the kitchen before the school bus got there to pick up the kids. The kids saw the whole thing and freaked out. I left after they got on the bus and went to my counselor's office to talk. A few hours later when I came home he was calm and said very happily, "Hi honey, how was your morning?" He pretended like that never happened. I knew then I needed to get out but I stayed for a couple more months.
The toxic ex I left less than a year ago...his go to response was "I had a different perspective" (about what we agreed to or talked about) Maddening! He was also a master stonewaller! He used to try to make me laugh when I was upset...so dismissive. He did that with his kids too...poor things.
Mr nice guy holding you hostage. Exactly.
This is so spot on! I'm learning so much...my narc is my own nephew...I tell ya.. denial....it ain't just a river in Egypt 😀
this is so powerful. I can look back and see how he did this, and at the time, he thought is was funny that we would have such different perceptions.
I can so relate to everything you said. Endless broken promises and I never said or done that. 10 yrs of these mind games. Thank you for your videos.
great video... opens up a can of worms for me ...."that never happened"!!
When asked to address something that he said, he said he didn't say it. Over and over again, he denied it. Then told me I was imagining things and that something was wrong with me.
I wish I could like this video about 50 million times
I think the problem with abuse victim is suppressed disgust. Contempt=anger + disgust. Where they should feel contempt, they feel only anger. Disgust makes you leave. The optimal strategy to play an abusers game is not to play. Their disgust doesnt work, they feel anger not contempt, they dont leave, they lose the game.
I feel so dead and so out of my reality that I wonder if I’m the abusing one. But I’m sure that I didn’t want to abuse anyone and tried to provide space for communication until I couldn’t anymore because every time I was being mocked, used or accused of something I was sure I wasn’t doing.
It makes me feel crazy and so sad.
Think back to how you were before the narcissist entered your life. Being lied to, cheated on, demeaned, dismissed, and discarded doesn't tend to bring out the best in us. Often times it's the emotional and behavioral changes in the victims of abuse that become the motivation for change. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM 💜 THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO LIVE.
@@DrDeniseDart thank you for answering. I’ll take it inconsideration.
They become professional deceivers
This is validating. Thank you this exactly what has happened. Hope has been very dangerous for me, indeed. I oftentimes feel the fear. I try too hard in giving too much. Reciprocity isn't necessarily given. I'm grieving for loss with these growing pains...ceist la vie.
Thánk you...thánk you for pointing this out. So I can see.
I recall sending a lengthy text to the EA about him still having feelings for his ex and suggesting that he return to her and stsating it was okay ... when we met and I enquired about it .. he simply stated he ignored it becuase it was not so ... and so foolishly I felt reassured ... of course only to realize later I was triangulated into a huge drama production with his ex and it ah has been years of drama to which he seems to have been an inncocent victim .. but they are never innocent victim .. ever!!!!!!!!!!! pure manipulation ....
I'm at the point of walking a way. Ha i thought it was me
thank you for your support, dear lady!
yes, this is on the table all the time. I didn't consider _________ or _______ important so I didn't hold it to memory, I don't know what your talking about.
My mom acts like we’re just fighting and it’s normal, but I’m not fighting back and I’m being disrespected.
I hear you! It is very painful to have a narcissistic parent.
Dr. Dart...you and the topic of your video is an answer to my Prayers!! I've been struggling and suffering actually believing that I've been the root cause of all the turmoil in the relationship with my brother....thank you so much..keep up the good work. You are very easy to understand. Blessings
Thank you for taking the time to leave feedback. Keep learning and setting boundaries to protect yourself 💜
@@DrDeniseDart And thank you as well Dr. Dart
I can 100% relate - since i can remember my mom has been way more immature than her age. I got away from her immaturity, control, insecurities, etc and then the pandemic happened:/ its been misery ever since and im Dreaming of the day i can return back to my carefree-safe-quiet life without her in it again. Everything you mention can happen in any relationship really, tbh!
It absolutely can. 💜
Yes,m. I started think I was going crazy, so I started secretly recording. Not so much to confront him, but to determine if reality for me was true. Honey! These recordings confirmed for me who was really crazy. I'm telling you, listening to these recordings helped me. After a year of recordings, I did eventually tell him about the recordings, and now with the exposure, he has changed to be more secretive. If you record to validate your true existence, it does not work to let him know. Keep the info to yourself. He has always challenged me to let him hear the recordings, and one time he asks "how will I (he) react to the recordings"? I said "I dont KNow". He stopped asking about the recordings cause I think he already knows, he sounds and is crazy. Plus I aint giving him no access to those recordings anyway. It helps me to remember who he is and to keep me from going back to him.
A good rule of thumb is not to share anything that you don’t want flipped around and used against you. You are absolutely right on! 💜
I VE MET THAT KIND OF GUY XD
ITS RIDICULOUS TO SEE HOW THEY GET TO BELIEBE THEIR OWN LIES
RANDOM STUFF they're compulsive liars & obviously delusional
The thing was I was accurate in what said I think he was gaslighting me from what I've read. He was trying to makee question my recall
crazy making at it's finest. the many tears I've shed and feelings of disbelief .
I continue to describe the narcissist as despicable..
another video that thankfully validates my experience. thank you !
I just found you and your videos about a week ago and so glad I did !
pathological liars! Thank you for calling them out. Narcissists are great actors and they believe their own lies. Empath people who are loving and caring are the targets. Get out because they won't change period. and if they are called so called Christians they say "Jesus forgave me" poof it all gone. smh No accountability at all. They will use what ever their kids, God, whatever they can to make themselves look good.
This is so spot on.
This is so true!
This is so true.the very beginning...thanks
So, I left my abusive husband 3 weeks ago. He's now asking me to go to the State Fair as if we were old buddies! Unbelievable!!
He pops up every couple of months like nothing happened, trying the same tired routine on me. Just like we have been talking for the last eight months even though I have ignored him this whole time. Even though the last time we talked eight months ago he told me I mean zero to him and he was just using me to get what he wanted. But here comes another message from him, just like nothing bad ever happened, even the same old boring topics he always wants to talk about. Pretending like everything is the same, nothing has changed, he can still message me and I will respond and listen to his same boring stories again.
That's how psychos act. Scary to think we marry types. Like that.
I want out the town on Valentine day for two nights 3 days ... He said, he didn't know that I left the home at all,...
He always pretended he didn't beat me busted my face open then acted like nothing the next day. It happened so many times I lost count. He even told me he never said I was pretty when he clearly did. It was awful
It sounds like that is behind you now. This is your time to take care of yourself and to take the time to heal.
Thank you so much!
OMG! This was exactly my late husband: He was a master “dancer”, and would find anything to do his fancy footwork of denial at: His common line was: “That happened last year, month, week, yesterday..”; it didn’t matter as long as it had happened. That was his big excuse, his ace card if you will. He thought it absolved him of everything if the issue was over. I once explained to him that everything that happens immediately becomes the past so does that invalidate it? Then he would move to the blank stare or say: “You can out talk me, you’re smarter, better educated...I can’t win with you”...or move on the victim game: “I’m older than you; I have diabetes; I have....” I never got the support I needed as no one got this. He died two years ago and I stayed to look after him before his passing, even though I was planning on leaving. Who knows if I would have. Sadly, his death may have been the only release for me (I often feel guilty about his death).
Every time I see you Dr Denise you remind me of princess Diana. Thanks for all your help.
She and I would be about the same age and when she was in the spotlight people used to stop me several times a day. It seemed everywhere I went people were saying, “Do you know who you look like???” Thank you for watching my videos. I feel happy when a video touches someone. I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. 💜
Very true about abusive relationships - they stay with you. Ive been in calm places of my life without him but anytime "abuse" tries to creep back in, you know it! My mom has always been an abuser so "when" she is allowed into my life - its just automatically expected - her Ursula side i like to call it!
Boundaries are essential for emotional health. When dealing when toxic people boundaries can protect you in countless ways! Establishing, communicating, and implementing boundaries is the best way to care for yourself. At first the push back can make it seem as though things are getting worse. Just know this is normal and stand your ground. As you step back, rather than leaning in, you will experience more and more the power to protect and care for yourself.
@@DrDeniseDart ill try 🥺
Happened to me. I could not believe it. A Harvard grad too...
You're reply seems to be past tense? 💜
This is so helpful
Thank You I have been looking for a site for support when I can't talk to my therapist. I to have been in a relationship that's unbelievable. He blames me for OUR problems, I am the fault for our daughter moving out, promised to go to marriage counselor ( didn't happen) accuses me of cheating, not only with a Pastor, and a woman. it is unbelievable, says he wants to "WORK" it out, yeah right
We have been married for 30 years, this is not the man I married. He's mean, controlling, and you would think if I was cheating, he would not want me around. I know I wouldn't like having him around if he was cheating
Go Figure? Help me
Hello Dr. Denise,
Thank you so much for pointing out, what I needed to confirm. The pretending game is being in my marriage for many, many years. Exactly he refuses to communicate, to face important family issues. Is never the right time to talk, and if we do we get no where because he'll say to me something is wrong with you, you have everything material, you're just bored so you make up things to nag and complain. Because of my relationship with the Lord, I always humble and forgive him first, eventhough I had explained to him, by forgiving you doesn't mean I forget, it means things will change, but that never happens he just acts like nothing happened and moves on. Yet, for his family or other people he becomes or pretends to be an amazing listener, considerate, compassionate, caring.
It's so frustrating 🥵🥵🥵
I'm so glad I found your videos, I finally realized a narcissist will never changed, but I am willing to change and to heal all my wounds through the years.
Thank you and Blessings unto you
Anna🤲🙏
p.s. to the person that didn't like you not saying about female narcissist, she's right is both, but most cases is men.
If she didn't like it she can go and watch other doctors, that can help her, no one is saying to watch you.
Excellent work!
I feel for everyone in these kind of situations, I am a man and I think my wife is abusive to me, I'm trying to educate myself and see if that is what is going on.
I appreciate the videos, even though they are geared to women.
Men can certainly be victims of abuse. I hope you are doing better now.
making me cry but thank you so much for all you do💕
You are so welcome
It's good for you to cry sometimes :-)
thanks
This is 💯 my husband!!! He also has Aspergers. The “pretend” thing is real!!!
Whenever he hurt me but ready to move on, he will say “I am sorry we fought, or I am sorry we’ve argued”. Sometimes it comes with a fake hug, and then he immediately going back to hurt again if I am not 💯 ready to move on. Very toxic, backwards way of thinking. I am struggling to restore all the good that is still there.
Hopefully your spouse has a good therapist to help him increase awareness and coping skills related to Aspergers.
@@DrDeniseDart ohh yes 👍🏻 we have Aspergers specialist plus we will do anything to support him as long as he’s willing. Otherwise there is no point to keep our marriage 🤷🏻♀️🤔
I had an abusive father do this thing where he would state some event that will blame me for his bad behavior that is completely false. My Dad claimed he didn't really start drinking until I was born, which was a complete lie, my Mom wanted to divorce him before I was born over his drinking and abuse.
Thank you So much, Doctor.
I just love you for making these videos!
I have depression and sometimes forget to take my meds.....so when the emotional abuse starts...you don't take your tablets. It's like his get out of jail free card. Even when I take them regularly he say you need to see someone...I've had enough. He gets me to the point where I cry then throws me a hope crumb and if I let him in the next breath is negative and it starts all over again. I've stayed in bed all day. He shouted up morning darling, I went in the back room and shut the door without replying. The night before he'd been swearing at me. I just went to sleep. He's got a lot of health problems so let's hope.
Keep your focus on yourself and doing everything you can for both your physical and emotional health. If you don’t already have a therapist please consider finding someone you feel comfortable working with. 💜
Thank You
OMG..this is my life
Go Denise!
I was separated for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS and we got back together and its gotten progressively worse over the last 3 & 1/2 years. It took me ALOT of heartache to finally get to my end point. I am now saving up to move out and file for a divorce.
How many times can I like this video. I want to keep hitting like like like !
I'm glad my video was helpful to you! I've been offline for a while. Actually got locked out of my RUclips for a very long time! I'm back and will be doing videos on recovery.
Mine would say I think your getting Alzheimer's
It is so cruel to cause someone to question themselves in that way. We all have times when we forgot where we put something, or having difficulty remembering someone's name etc. The normal things that happen with age can be distressing and frustrating and then to have the person who is supposed to love and care for you suggest you have Alzheimer's is awful.
True they do!
In life who is perfect get better but some are the same glad I am independent
Oh my were you watching my life???
Love your messages. Just one suggestion- maybe don’t giggle/ laugh. I’m sure you’ve reached a healthy point where the abuser’s tactics are predictable and funny, but for me and maybe some other listeners, it’s still very raw/ serious/ scary. Thanks for all you do.
Natalie, thank you for your feedback. I smile and laugh to consciously shift the energy away from the pain and devastation we all know is. I will continue to smile, giggle, laugh and send as much love and care and I have in my heart to give. I refused to loose my joy and hope you will too! 💜
You cant play the game with them.Emotional abusers are Mentally ill and just Sad unempthatic losers.When a parent does this it makes you see them in the most unfavorable light..Abusers need to get off this earth and all of them just go somewhere and destroy each other! .
They're not mentally ill they are evil.
This all sounds familiar
Thank you.
Mine doesn’t want to come back. I left and I think it wounded him. Some sick part of my brain wants him to try to get me back, but I know it’s for the best that he isn’t.
So so true
Write it down
Denise it is so true what you say of pretending. That of I did not say that or you have say this or that - and that is not true, you have not say it. Those people do not matter what gender is sick.
God bless u
These things by my sis are happening to me my sis n her male. My f. TY
I put a sign out stop stalking.he ctpled it up put it in a tree. I put it in recycling but i had a weekend without him stating at me All day on my days off. He has a business better not to make me supply
I'm a man and I have these issues with women. Just a heads up.
TRUE!!
OMG how many times I heard your problem is """"
I need to contact you
You speak as if only men do this. You are describing my wife perfectly.
You are absolutely right that this is not a gender specific issue. My channel was designed to speak to a primarily female audience which is no way is intended to suggest that this problem only impact female victims.
@@DrDeniseDart thank you for your reply. I am trying to learn how to deal with this and it is frustrating when everything I see is aimed at men.
Everything that is said in my videos can be true for either gender. If you can get past the pronouns the information can be helpful. 💜
...that is why... I married him twice...
Women use these tactics as well.
Yes they do Glen. You are absolutely right. My channel was originally designed for a females audience. If you can see past the pronouns you may find a lot of useful information. I hope so. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment.
No support system.
I'm a man and a transgender woman did this to me i got her into therapy, was at her beck and call, took care of her for 6 months while I was getting hit, called names told i was the problem when all i wanted was the best for her I'm glad to have moved on she manipulated me into being a lap dog DON'T SHOW INTEREST IN PRETENDERS
To love and care for another requires that we first love and care for ourselves. Self care is not selfish. As painful as this relationship was it sounds like you learned a lot. All the best to you! 💜
How long? Twenty years....
pls. how can I come in privite in touch with yoi? thank you in advance. Greetings from Austria.
Http://www.drdenisedart.com
ACOA's carry many of the same characteristics.
I was absolutely interested in this up to the minute mark when you said that its MEN that dont want to have conversations. You think there has NEVER been a woman that's done this? Sounds like that could be you if you think/believe that.
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. My channel was designed primarily for a female audience; the pronouns reflect that. The information in my videos is about behavior, not gender. Any person can be toxic and engage in emotional abuse. My heart goes out to you if you have experienced this in your relationship.
This is what mine did.
Dr. Dart, This is great information. I just want to add the fact that this abusive tactic of gaslighting is both a female and male tool. Women do it too. And women, because they are trained to fight with psychological warfare instead of with outright force, can be very effective at destroying their partners, especially if they play the "weaker sex" card and hook the guy in the knight in shining armor illusion. I lived through hell for 18 years, and now deal with a woman who is alienating me from my boys and destroys their psyche as sadistic abuse that she feeds on. I get to watch her abuse my children and turn them inside out, while the courts support her in her ploy as victim and "nurturing mother." So. . . . I think that although women are more often the ones to be validated in their victimization, the greater need is for men to get in touch with the flipside of being channeled into societies targets for catch 22 gender roles. Men have it tough in today's society, having both been brainwashed into having to be the big strong provider, suck it up, and never cry out for help, meanwhile Narcissist women who are armed with new feminist ideals take men to the cleaners. The double standards are all over the place. Anyway. . . I support your content and the fact that you support women in getting free from toxic men, . . . I just had to add my two cents. Thanks.
I never said/did that
You don’t listen
You always pick the worst time to talk
Sadly the person DID say that, you DO listen and there is never a good time to talk. Healthy people don't engage this way in relationships. A healthy person might say, "I don't remember saying then, tell me what you heard and help me understand your perspective." Gaslighting: when the person DID say that, you were both there and both know that it was said, and yet you will be berated until you agree to question you own reality.
I had a woman do all this to me
I need to contact u