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Thank you for your clear, concise and educational videos. I think the most important information i take from this information is that it is not "them". I have never understood the dynamics of my failed relationships until i found this information on you tube. The common denominator in all of these relationships is me. My attachment style has signed up for all of this . I am responsible for all of this, The inventory is mine. I see it clearly. Although it still hurts but there is growth in pain when armed with honest facts. The work is clear. Thank you. You are a fantastic communicator.
they sound like a real treat to be around. I will give you all some advice. I put my dismissive avoidant ex in the bin and never look back. You can over-analyse this people as much as you want, but if you are not enjoying your time and having to go on youtube to make sense of your life, best to walk away and find someone healthy aftern you do the work on yourself
Hi William I need some advice if can help me out My gf is very sensitive if I dont text her everyday she will feel I dont care and why I didnt text her "Baby" and she upset why i take so long to respond..she will create unhappiness by not texting me "Honey" and the whole day and next few day would be Silent treatment...she giving up trying to text me ...and she is tired of the Texting game that I dont initiate text and dont Baby Good nite kiss. ..she will create drama and turmoil not texting me "Honey good morning "..she dont chase anymore and wont be any emoji kisses and it become My job to pursue her to woo her back so that she dont turn cold and I become trying to please her Is this showing me as weak Needy ? but she act distance... I wonder how to make her submit willingly to me and for her to miss me I leave her alone which Backfire and mislead her thinking I not thinking of her.. she is resenting why I dont chat with her is this being vulnerable man.....seem to her I am ignoring her daily with excuse I busy and cutting the conversation short ... I feel like she would probably get some other men attention...I am confuse should I try to be more responsive or initiative ? Really counter intuitive and is so hard to maintain Long term relationship ... Any video how we should not affected by women becoming their emotional tampon and become their chat feminine buddy ? Pass her shit test and be in control , stay in masculine frame ..this dynamic is it Toxic and driving me into bad mental health...I dont understand women wants and need
@@fj4731 what? no. this other person who agreed with you is wrong. It's a bare minimum to text your girkfriend daily. you are the man. be the man and initiate and call her baby and put some emojis there if that's what she likes. What is the big deal? You're overthinking this and by now you are probably broken up. Forget about masculine frame and other women-hating advice.
@@mollysreadings4845 Hi ...I need women advice on Menopause and Mental trauma Depression and Panic attack... My gf broke up with me twice and for 3rd time all same reason she said i am the root cause of her mental craziness She having insomnia couldnt sleep at night , and affecting her mental health….should I pull away or show my love or care by initiating contact? She didn’t text me for 53days She also having problem with Neck Degeneration and back pain..she is in her Menopause age… Should I be more caring like a Beta or I should Dont care like Alpha to just respond only when she reach out She want to do her own thing and I wonder whether am I the part time bf or she only need me when she want to ? I tried to arrange appointment with Doctors…she rather go on her own but medicine or gynae or chiropractic couldnt help her …she blame me is the source of her Mental Stress by me wanting her to put more effort on our relationship she feel pressure till she break down telling me she need rest..i told her she need Love but she said she want peace and to heal on her own.. How to save the relationship with a gf having Menopause and Medical and Mental health ? Today is Day 53 No Contact She said if she miss me she will contact me
@@fj4731 well if she took control of the situation and stated she will reach out if she wants then you should let her. I would not contact her. You could wait until Christmas or her birthday and just let her know you're thinking about her and hope she's doing OK. 53 days isn't that long. Meanwhile, the fact that you know it's 53 days means (along with everything else you wrote) you're too focused on her. You need to date someone else or a few ladies. Have a moving on mindset. You are not to blame for her mental health. Forget about alpha and beta and all the nonsense labels on the internet. If you want to send the message I suggested above now, go ahead. But thatbis the only thing you should ever send until she responds. There is a power dynamic, you can't kiss her a** too much (this is betaish in your labeling system) but you also can't be an a**hole and maintain frame I think you call it. A man is a leader a woman can respect because he has good character, he is kind, has integrity, loyal, honest, hard working and trustworthy. Be that man.
This really spoke to me. I went through a breakup nearly a year ago and I really struggled with her lack of empathy and inability to make a sincere apology. It has been incredibly hard
I was in a relationship with a DA. During the relationship he never apologised. He would instead guilt me by the silent treatment. I ended up apologising. I asked for a conversation regarding our conflicts but he refused all the time. Recently he broke up with me saying he wasn't happy. No acknowledging of my emotions. No attempt to understand me. I trusted him so much. I thought he was committed. I was so insecure throughout.
@@qhxhdsla it's harsh, unfair. I don't think DAs deserve all this sympathy. They are adults and know the impact of their doings. For a day I blamed myself cause I became angry and showed it. But immediately forgave myself cause it's natural. Woah I just read my comment from 2 months ago. I'm over it now. Hey wish you the best. Hope there was no abuse.
This makes so much sense. I met someone about 6 months ago who I believe to be a dismisive avoident. She love bombed me and in the space of a month went from telling me how amazing I am to acting totally cold and distant and like it was my fault She was doing so. The whole carry on has gone on for the first 4-5 months of the new year till last week I said enough was enough but the whole time I received these back handed apologies along the lines of 'I'm sorry if you feel I did..' 'I'm sorry you feel I hurt you' etc etc. The apologies themselves hurt as much as the cold vindictive attitude She had. Never had my mental health been depleted by one individual so rapidly. Hope everyone is safe and can heal from these situations, they do not serve your self esteem at all.
[ She love bombed me ] Dude, it is call flirting. It is just having fun. She doesn't own you an apology. This is why you can't have a friends with benefit type relationship with an Anxiety type. If you can go so crazy, over something that is just recreational no strings attached flirting, image if recreational no strings attached sex! Some anxiety type OMG, even after you told them it is just kidding around early onwards, they still write a whole essay on it. Yap, I am seen to crazy bird flying around your head
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
18 years, 4 times being cut off and pushed away until I left. Each time she came to me, wanting me back. The 4th time, I was gone two months, went No Contact and she hacked my email and was messaging me through my own email. Came to me crying and asking me "why won't you just let me love you". I went back, and married her. 4 years later she did it again and I have lived with roommates only for past 4 years. Now she wants divorce. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, I thought Covert Narcissist because so many of those traits fit her. Now this DA thing, and what I know about her Mother, it sure looks DA. Either way, it's a painful, horrible, impossible, way to live for the person who loves them. This video is really describing her well. My heart is broken again. I didn't cut the cord years ago and wasted 18 years of my life. I hope these videos help people walk away if they see DA traits. It will never get better and probably get worse as they age. At last break up my friend said she would need at least one year of intense Psycho Therapy. I didn't listen to him, but he was right. Please run from these people. They break your heart.
why does everyone make excuses for these people. you can try to explain all you want. if someone isnt remorseful for hurting people that love them that makes them bad. its literally that simple
Everything you said is true but on their behalf it's no excuse for their actions their adults now time to grow up and get help no excuses going around hurting people time and time again is evil and God will punish these people in the end again no excuses for these people NONE
I clicked on this video because I am in this state of limbo with my father, and he is DA as can be. I told him I was hurt by his behavior, he was SUPER dismissive. I told him I was hurt by his dismissiveness, he was MORE dismissive. I feel that I deserve an apology but he would rather just move forward as if nothing happened. He's letting our relationship die on the vine because he can't face his own shame for how terribly he's treated me. It honestly hurts so much. We've had a pretty good relationship over the years. I've been aware of his limitations and accepted him for them, but they are in my face now and I can't just brush this under the rug. It feels like I'd be betraying myself to just let it go with no acknowledgement.
This. He made me feel so insecure texting other woman, showing them comfort, support and empathy... i was dismissed and got fake apologies texts from the internet
Someone who has avoidant tendencies (like struggling with vulnerability, not talking about feelings, feeling discomfort with different forms of intimacy), but who also lacks accountability, can't apologize and lacks empathy sure sounds like narcissistic behavior to me. My ex-wife didn't apologize for anything meaningful in 20 years. She was all about blame and was incapable of self-reflection. She was more naturally inclined to use me than try to be close to me. I'm 100% sure that she has a dismissive avoidant attachment style and 80% percent sure that she has covert narcissistic tendencies. I'm pretty convinced that I was married to that rare combination. However, I do think you can have narcissistic tendencies and leanings and not have full blown narcissistic personality disorder.
To be accountable and to apologize, one needs to be vulnerable. Emotional vulnerability is DAs's biggest fear :) (They are not at fault for this. They are this way cz their emotional needs were never met as toddlers/kids) So they would subconsciously project/deflect every issue on to you and to the relationship than apologising or being accountable.. (Even though they know that their disfunctions are the root of the problem.) Its easier for them to make everything is your fault rather than being accountable. I feel sad about these people. They sabotage relationships subconsciously. DAs are not nessasarily bad people, but their intense fears make them bad romantic partners. Hope they all heal cz everyone deserves to lead a happy and healthy a life.
I used to not apologise but after seeing how much it hurt when my parents didn’t apologise when I asked them to, I’ve made an effort to change my ways. It backfired in a toxic workplace (care home, of all places) where I was bullied by a couple of coworkers (and sexually harassed and then dismissed by manager when I sought help). One time I apologised sincerely to this older lady for being a bit rude (I have autism/adhd which makes me appear rude when I don’t mean to) and she got very defensive to my apology! She said ‘I’m not taking the blame for this!’ And got upset, which didn’t make much logical sense but she was obvs triggered. There was nothing to take the blame about, in this context! But people were often singled out by our toxic af managers (1 male and 1 female he had trained). I instantly regretted apologising, this lady went on to bully me quite ruthlessly, it was like being in school again, I had not experienced such behaviour since childhood, except in isolated situations. This was trickling down from the top. The only thing that ever trickles down is awfulness, never good things - as some economists would have us believe. 😞
To clear up any questions around attachment avoidance and narcissism: Narcissism is a specific trait/condition people have, regardless of attachment style. The most common narcissist is the FA because they have the "you are bad" world view that comes with avoidance, while having the anxious strategy for supply. The reason people think DAs are narcissists is because they think narcissism equals lack of ethics and empathy, but that is just the meaning of a bad person. The emotional neglect they endure as children teaches DAs a reality void of connection and empathy. Alot of them are simply bad people. Bad parents most likely create bad children
It makes sense there is far more advice for men in the world on how to talk to and interact with women, than there is advice for women on how to talk to and interact with men
My husband cheated and told me, “Don’t expect ppl to apologize, in their eyes it won’t always be such a bad thing and if it came from them it doesn’t make them wrong, they’re just following their feelings and this doesn’t apply to those things you said I said.”
when my ex (FA?) broke up with me, the lack of ownership on her part was deafening, especially when she seemed to blame me for all of the issues. Who needs to be around people like that? Not me!!!
I feel like I went through this with a situationship that ended lately. Got flaked on for a date, cryptic excuse which I said ok, then blocked, then 10 days later unblocked with a whats up msg? I didn’t respond as I wasn’t taking games and so she sent a msg a day later saying “all the best”. Went to respond saying you blocked me so it’s over and then she realised I’d been blocked again. Ngl, I really love this girl still, but I think my head knew she was not right for me and was just messing with me. Feels like a bitter breakup even tho it was a situationship at best. I texted her saying what I would have said on WhatsApp, but with a bit more added. I might be misinterpreted as patronising but in the moment I had to be firm and nothing that I said was false. Course I’ll never know if I was blocked on sms too. Kinda hope I was. Need to move on even though my heart still loves her. It’s toughhhhhh
How long ago realized empathy is my gift to the world I don’t think you should have extended interactions if you lack empathy. Or you don’t try to cultivate. Otherwise you’re kind of seemingly dead inside, at least, in my perspective, limit interactions, and cultivate self-love, if you lack empathy otherwise it’s just harming.
Thank you Katya for your video, I picked up some more insight which is always good. I have struggled with the severe shock and nonstop questioning within myself asking 'how could someone be so cold and cruel who just shared intimacy and a deep connection with me for an extended time justify themselves"'. The only responses I received were flawed and lacked any understanding of the situation or our relationship etc. I searched for understanding what had happened because with understanding comes compassion, with compassion comes healing and with healing brings progress. It is extremely easy to stay in the sadness, despair or anger, revenge type phases but they only have dead ends and no ability to move beyond them whereas understanding fulfills this. I explored and understood what had occurred, found solace in this and then moved onto compassion and healing. I chose to progress by understanding the entire situation throughlly so i could then offer this understanding to my 'ex' in hopes that she would benefit from it for herself in life and yes for a small bit of personal hopes she might 'rethink things' and find what she had so cruellly and coldly tossed away like garbage but my main purpose was for her because I knew she was a good person that was overcome with past created trauma from an abandonment. With some time having passed by now I am conflicted with one thing, during the 'breaking up time' I can understand the major lack of empathy or offering of any legit truly remorseful apologies but I cannot accept that now, after much time has passed she cannot find in any way the ability to offer any form of apology. There is no threats to her trauma or threat of any triggering them etc, so is it not a 'choice' at this point and thus not only a purposeful wrong but a clear exposure of a person's actual character flaws ? She offered friendship but due to an obvious lack of trust, belief in her as a reliable person and the lack of any will to apologize sincerely or take accountability for her very damaging actions I hesitate to accept this and my gut says walk away because she will more then likely just cause me more pain and hurt. I do struggle with overcoming these feelings and do feel that only with understanding and compassion can people truly heal and since she was abandoned as a youth that by leaving her and denying her any friendship i may in fact only be contributing to solidifying her created trauma which causes me moral and caring conflicting thoughts and emotions. My question though is about the 'choice' of her not offering or showing signs of even having the will to properly and sincerely apologize now after all threat to her internal self and trauma triggers have passed, extremely hard to justify her position at this point but causes me conflictions also....Thanks, Steve
Going thru a breakup with a DA and he was neglected at an early age and is now an alcoholic himself. He was amazing the first year we were together and then SUDDENLY he became cold and began icing me. He broke up with me for no reason 2days before my birthday and then played head games and tried to keep me around for a booty call situation 😓that was more hurtful than anything and it really broke me. I am struggling to trust myself to choose a good partner. This has really thrown me for a loop and he is just so cold
Hi, I have been thru this recently myself, what you said about how it "broke you" and how you are struggling to "trust yourself" and that it has "thrown you for a loop" caught my attention immediately. The shock of the sudden reversal of feelings towards me along with the severe coldness and lack of remorse or empathy was almost as damaging as the instant 180 out of nowhere. We also had an amazing stretch of time like you mentioned and there is major reasons for that, like with you I am sure, any signs of commitment issues, trust issues, or inability to be close were not present because they felt 'safe and secure' as well as 'felt love and comfortable' with us because they did and only focused on that. Then something triggers them and boom, they literally do a 180 and it's brutal, severely brutal on us because of the obvious lack of empathy or remorse plus the shocking and surprising attitude they have that somehow in their broken brains we are the problem and it's 'our fault' this happened. It puts you in an instant state of shock, then the reality starts hitting and trauma is felt, followed by sadness and hurt and then the anger and feelings of wanting to ram all the pain they caused down their throats. I went thru this but told myself to push past those phases because theres only dead ends within them, going to the very important phase of 'understanding' is the only way to properly heal and have most of the pain and hurt etc leave us. With understanding comes compassion, with compassion comes healing and with healing comes progress. I also wanted to say that I obviously know nothing about you except this short comment from you and that music is an important part of who you are, music is also a major part of who I am and like me I am sure that music brought you and brings you solace and allows you to release and feel emotions and then heal from this. I also wanted to say that I am just a regular guy from Vancouver, Canada, not some online weirdo lol but checking out your YT channel I also looked at your picture and if I may say so, respectfully and with pure intentions of giving you a compliment, you are, well, a smokin gorgeous woman. So stay positive, smile and know that there are a zillion guys in this world that just from you being a lil country girl, open hearted, lover of music and truly very very naturally beautiful would be blessed and damn lucky to have you to share life with. And again, with all respect and only purpose of saying smile, believe in yourself, trust yourself and do what country girls do, get back up and kick off the dust, life's ride isn't over, not even close..... Sincerely, Steve 😉
Me an INFJ, called my boyfriend ti take my stuff. ( waited for an apology for a month) decided to finally tell him I'm leaving him due to his absence of empathy in our relationship .Never apologizes at all even if he did wrong . I finally decided go leave him. I can't live a life liike this. He even dared me to do it,and I'm like ...ahhhh ..there goes my feelings in the trash bin.
During the relationship he would always say "sorry and that he will do better" during any conflict. After abandoning me he does not apologize for a single thing. Was w him 7 years and he just walked out one day
When I was younger, I may have had issues apologizing. I have a high EQ and I can step into other peoples shoes fairly easily, so it’s not an issue. However, I recently expressed being hurt to someone I had been long distance dating for almost a year. She became very defensive and didn’t feel the need to apologize. It was disappointing, because I used to think of her as someone that’s very empathetic. I think she may have had an avoidant attachment style, because communication was horrible and she’d often disappear after emotional closeness.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
What a helpful and soothing presentation for a victim of an unwarranted abandonment Perhaps we should entirely abandon the idea of guilt and responsibility in human relationship. We have a planet of more or less damaged individuals struggling to establish loving bonds of reciprocity and thereby build families and raise future citizens. When a relationship fails, the issue is to understand if and how it is possible to repair, adapt and move on with the goal of our short transition in this nether world. If we cannot help a damaged person establish a loving relationship, there is no point in demanding apology Iw we sing to a deaf person who fails to respond, it would be cruel to expect an apology from this person, especially if the person at the onset of this relationship wept and informed you of her handicap I would be happy to share details by PM
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Interesting. My avoidanf ex apologized through text and also said "hope you don't hate me and will forgive me". I never responded back. Next day he was flirting with girls in front of me at the gym and acting like a child. Sad, we had a good 8 months but couldn't commit.
@@KatyaMorozova so do we express to the DA that we would appreciate an apology or simply understand they are incapable of one? My DA ex contacted me during no contact to ask me out to dinner and I rejected him because of the fact that I felt he needed to address some things first. I know now that he doesn't know how to handle conversations about emotions and even apologize but I felt offended that he has been contacting me like we didn't break up and next to go back to our previous setting.
I'm convinced my ex is more an FA. Since that's a DA and AP, combined, I can honestly say that they will avoid apologising. When something she did or said bothered me or built into frustration she'd simply say "they're your feelings". But I'd have to apologise and show I mean it... I got silent treatment if she even suspected something was up with me and there wasn't. I'd have to defend myself which annoyed her. I don't understand what's so difficult about apologising.
Ive been absolutely abused by numerous grilfriends in my past and all i was trying to do was have a relationship and eventually start a family. Never once heard sorry for all the inhumane treatment i received. Women are mostly narcissistic and not worht the trouble. Im 39 now and single i am finished with these modern women. Never been happier!!
I'll give a tip for everyone. When dealing with avoidants WE OURSELVES ARE THE ONLY ONES RESPONSIBLE! Yeah that's right Only we can take accountability for getting involved with them.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
So much pain in the comments. We are all humans, we all have behaviours that are damaging someone we love in ways we might not yet be aware of ourselves. Remember that DA’s are created from trauma too. The best we can each hope for in our individual journeys is that we have the courage to look at our selves, address our issues and not pass on this shit to our kids. If you are still with your DA, don’t give up. If you have cut and run for your own survival, I hope you are in a better place and can be helping others.
He ghosted me for 5 months. I did not contact him.i let him go. He came back on the 8 for my birthday wishing me a happy birthday. I politely responded thank you. He tried small talks .i did not entertain it. He continue next day and next day small talks.no response from me. He want to act as if he did not ghosted. I will never take him back unless he take accountability, apologize, repair and start therapy . DA are a mess.i am surely happier without the drama and toxicity they bring .
@@KatyaMorozova As it turns out it wasn't her as a extreme DA but me as a anxious pre. Managed to meet her and sincerely apologised for my dumb behaviour and we're moving forward slowly. So check your own attachment style before pointing fingers. I'm very lucky. ❤️
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Pushes options down. May not even react to life difficulties for days or months. Counter dependent and pseudological. Not saying sorry or at extreme blameshifting. Some may be f60.81 and some are not. It's the entire knowledge of personality disorders. As a psychotherapist of 40 years I don't think lacking empathy is the Hallmark. But 4 E's with a pattern of blameshifting over the years in all areas and a refusal to do the work. P.s. There are 4 types of d.a's and the f60.81 with the 4 E's is useful for ddx. Check your shadow. More likely a vulnerable narcissist if a narcissist at all. Attachment and personality disorders are related. Not all d.a.'s are narcissists. But some narcissists are d.a. or disorganized.
I don’t understand, how can it be so difficult to empathise with someone feeling hopeless and helpless when you were also hopeless and helpless? Is it because they won’t admit to themselves that they were H & H? Are not conscious of it, in denial, etc? I’m very insecure (CPTSD, voluntarily put in care, sexual abuse, etc) and open about it. He still refuses to apologise when I am clearly hurt. I often apologise. I’m so tired.
I don't know which of these my husband but he sure has the inability to apologize , I always brushed it off until it now affects my kids too.. He does things like lifted our daughter high up on a teeter totter and she screamed because she was scared ,he kept doing it and then instead of apologizing told her to stop being whiny , He smacked her today because her little sister was crying , which first of all was not right , she explained what happened and that she didn't do anything but he still wouldn't apologize , she asked why she gets punished and he said because you didn't answer me quick enough . Only a few examples he does this and worse to me , I'm just tired of trying to help him, I'm tired of apologizing to our daughter for him, I'm so tired of it all ...
Question to my case: my ex (ad) broke up with me almost two months ago after a big fight and i immediatly went no contact. Before we broke up it was my birthday and he planned a day for us but he didnt go through with it and then we broke up. Two weeks after we broke up he called me to have closure and then said i f i still have some of his stuff i should tell him so he can come and pick them up but the next day we got into a fight after i asked him if the break up really is a good idea and then i went no contact again. I send him his stuff via delivery and since then he is been talking about my "gift" a Spa day and i should pick a day. I dont know what to think of it since we broke up once in 2020 and we got back together cause he wanted to see me to give me my gift he owed me since we didnt see each other cause of corona. Anyway now i dont know what to do cause i dont feel secure enough and emotionally stable to see him again and do a spa day. I told him i cant do that right now and he said ok. Im planning on getting back to no contact, but i cant really figure out his behavior, any ideas?
if you really want happiness in life, let him go. i have been in the same loop for last 6 and a half years. my DA bf keeps breaking up with me and then comes back again. when things get serious he breaks up again. and after break up he misses me comes back again. his hot and cold behaviour has really impacted my well being. we broke up in january, he dumped me on my b'dy for no reason. then in feb he came back again, just casual chatting. i was so hurt that i went no contact. in march again he started sending me msgs. in april we got back.in may again he for no reason blocked me and now yesterday he unblocked me. my bf has a strong dismissive avoidant style. now i have decided i cant keep up with this torture... so if u really want peace and happiness go for a guy who can commit, can give u emotional security, not somebody who can't even process his own emotion. i didn't give up for 6 years but now i am in severe depression, so i am letting him go. u too make a decision which is best for your mental well-being.
i do love my bf a lot. he is my first love. i know its not his fault, he has v neglectful, emotionless, exploitative parents so he don't know how to love. but he is hardly there for me, its always about his space and freedom. we hardly meet now, he never calls or text. if i do call or complain he calls me clingy. the more i try to adjust with his DA personality, the less love he gives me in return. i may love him a lot, but if a partner is not even there for my b'dy whats the point of being in a relationship where i have to beg for his presence in my life. its better to be single than to suffer like this.
@@flaneur8858 wow im sorry to hear that but also glad you decided to move on. My ex also is hot and cold but whenever i complain he tries to change. He calls and texts regulary and he tries to open up to me . My issue with him is i feel like he wants all the attention for himself and he cant handle it if i treat him the same way he treats me. Its like either he doesnt know how he is sometimes or he knows it but since he is not doing it on purpose he gets mad at me since im doing it on "purpose". Its confusing but im staying in no contact. I told him no to the spa day and he said ok then he called me a few days later but i missed it. I didnt call him back either. I deserve honesty and effort and security and he needs to change. Im staying in no contact because i want him to know how life is without me and that if he wants me back he needs to make a decision and work on himself. Im not making it easy for him. I wish u all the best ❤️
I reached out to my DA ex bf after 36 days of nc I send him this "I apologize for all the disrespectful words and things I ever said to you . I was very toxic and pushy I pushed you to do things you're not comfortable with. I forced myself on you . This is not love , this is sickness I gave you anxiety and stress instead of peace ,comfort and love . You were so kind , gentle, caring and loving boyfriend. I wish you all the peace and love in your life and I hope you will find the woman who can appreciate you. And thank you for all the memories. " And he answered me an hour later (which was very good) "Don't blame yourself it's ok I. Apoligise for everything too thanks for good memories" I don't know what to do next 😞 I want him back
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
I completely disagree and believe you're wrong about your empathy bit. Yes, it is true that empathy isn't a "you have it or you don't" type of thing. For example, I won't have as much empathy for you if something bad happened to your loved one, because I don't know you. But if something happened to my loved one or someone close to me, I would have tremendous empathy. So, in some cases I have low empathy and in other cases I have high empathy. This "DA" or "narcissist" empathy issue arises when you're dating/engage/married with someone who you've built a close bond with and the person (who should have empathy for you) shows a major lack of empathy towards you. If they treat YOU differently (abusively) than OTHERS, what is likely happening is that your abusive partner has cognitive empathy but lacks emotional empathy, which is a hallmark of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Mixing not being bothered by things l, people with forgiveness is misleading. Playing victim and forgiveness are not the same as well. Being mean and egoic has also nothing to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is a result of being accountable and have a confrontation. Otherwise it is not.
Do avoidants struggle with empathy as well?..my ex would say things like i some what feel sorry for how i hurt you and i hope you can forgive me one day and for some reason he thought that statement was empathetic lol i use to be so dang on confused and hurt it only took me one experience with a avoidant man to NEVER go back again i wouldn't wish the heartache i went through on nobody it was a blessing though i got motivated to go to therapy and truly understand and learn much more about my self and own past traumas my ex of course doesn't feel like he needs any therapy but i know that is because he truly believes hes not avoidant or problematic but thats his choice
Reasons it can be difficult for a dismissive avoidant person to apologize: 1) They may not know how to apologize in an appropriate way, especially if the content of the apology pushes them to empathize with emotions that are uncomfortable to them, such as vulnerability. They struggle with trust, vulnerability, interdependence, self-reflection, and taking accountability for harm done. 2) Apologizing may not have been modeled to them, or it was modeled in an unhealthy way. So expressing emotions, expressing remorse, or being vulnerable may be seen as a sign of weakness. (They may have been modeled, and still believe, that apologizing is humiliating, weak, or demeaning instead of what it is: courageous, vulnerable, and thoughtful. So they get defensive and even hostile to protect themselves from those feelings.) 3) Struggle to accept responsibility for their actions or their feelings. They may not be able to own the consequences of their actions or they may be to ashamed to admit any wrongdoing, particularly the worse the offense. 4) Even if they are sorry, not apologizing can be a strategy to create emotional distance.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Coming from an abusive family situation, I am (with great delay) aware of how genuine apologies can be used to blameshift and gaslight someone. I used to admit to small digressions and accept that the other family members weren't capable of the same thing. While to me it felt like the right thing, on their end it meant that I was passive and a confused mess and it invited them to continue the toxic stuff. I did take a big distance (in various ways) but this makes me understand why a DA (having internalized bad experiences & not being as good at making logical connections) would generally feel uncomfortable about apologizing. It can hurt when a DA mistrusts you but then you can choose not to take it personally & that's how the DA slowly understands that you're a fellow survivor, rather than a threat. & why not allow a friendship. It seems stubborn how some people insist on romantic love while refusing to care like a friend would... Also, it looks like a lot of people who make DAs look bad in comment sections are actually narcissists & they just can't handle how rigorously resistant a DA is to their intense & shady ways. ☺️ Nice channel. All the best!
As a AD my self...I don't think I need apologise for anything. In my opinion the problem is those with Anixety style. They are far too jealous, controlling, possessive, needy and clingy. They got serious boundary issues. And they need take every little thing you say and do out of context and write a whole essay on it. They are gaslighting, they are manipulative. There are good reason, why people leave them. So, no, I don't see I need to apologise for anything. The anxiety style need apologise. They are the crazy ex girlfriend type.
See what she said about taking responsibility. You seem to lack any. That’s what bothers me about DAs- they are entitled and think they can walk into people’s lives and then criticize shamelessly with no empathy. Yes they are highly narcissistic in a bad way.
@@Cashalfstory At least unlike you people, we are not a bunch of psycho stalkers. We ask a girl out, she doesn't like it, we move on. We don't go around stalking girls, we don't go around calling girls saying "If you leave me I will kill you." You people got no respect to other people's autonamy. [Yes they are highly narcissistic in a bad way.] Look whose talking, psycho stalker (aka anxiety type) [entitled and think they can walk into people’s lives and then criticize shamelessly with no empathy. ] Look whose talking psycho stalker (aka anxiety type)
I needed to hear this, even though l apologised after 2 breakups now, the only thing my ex apologised for was for getting into 2 separate rebounds. Even describing the first rebound as "the poor bastard" She doesn't seem capable of owning her 50% and will no doubt get into another rebound. I feel the hamster wheel is spinning again 🛞
Hi coach my ex bf and I met via dating app ( I'm arab he is Turkish we both live in turkey) in may 2021 we chatted for 4 months till we met due to I was living in different city so we met he was so good , loving, caring ,gentle and warm we were perfect , or so what I thought, we had small fights like any couples but we always go back together then in the end of February we had big fight over stupid thing he didn't reached out at all I begged him to come back we broke up about 2 weeks then we were perfect again, but in the last may after he came back from his big family house, he changed he started to make problems with me ,like we're different we will never going to make it I told him you knew I'm arab since day one of meeting me , then he started to talk about my abusive father he said I don't feel safe ,ps my father lives in different country smh!! then , then he apologized for saying the racist things then he said he told his mom about me and he want me I was angry at him I blocked him for 5 days then came back to him telling him let's start he said no we're over I don't want you anymore, I begged and begged he ghosted me, I did no contact for 5 weeks then texted him an apology text he responded and apologized too then ghosted me again, 2 days ago I asked him to block me from everywhere because I can't do it (btw he blocked my Instagram only the day of the Instagram) he did block me so easy I'm hurt and pain, then I messaged him from my other insta account telling him I still love him and I can't move on, I dk if my ex is DA or FA but im AP our relationship in total online and face to face is a year
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Thank you for your clear, concise and educational videos. I think the most important information i take from this information is that it is not "them". I have never understood the dynamics of my failed relationships until i found this information on you tube. The common denominator in all of these relationships is me. My attachment style has signed up for all of this . I am responsible for all of this, The inventory is mine. I see it clearly. Although it still hurts but there is growth in pain when armed with honest facts. The work is clear. Thank you. You are a fantastic communicator.
they sound like a real treat to be around. I will give you all some advice. I put my dismissive avoidant ex in the bin and never look back. You can over-analyse this people as much as you want, but if you are not enjoying your time and having to go on youtube to make sense of your life, best to walk away and find someone healthy aftern you do the work on yourself
Hi William
I need some advice if can help me out
My gf is very sensitive if I dont text her everyday she will feel I dont care and why I didnt text her "Baby" and she upset why i take so long to respond..she will create unhappiness by not texting me "Honey" and the whole day and next few day would be Silent treatment...she giving up trying to text me ...and she is tired of the Texting game that I dont initiate text and dont Baby Good nite kiss.
..she will create drama and turmoil not texting me "Honey good morning "..she dont chase anymore and wont be any emoji kisses and it become My job to pursue her to woo her back so that she dont turn cold and I become trying to please her Is this showing me as weak Needy ? but she act distance... I wonder how to make her submit willingly to me and for her to miss me I leave her alone which Backfire and mislead her thinking I not thinking of her.. she is resenting why I dont chat with her is this being vulnerable man.....seem to her I am ignoring her daily with excuse I busy and cutting the conversation short ... I feel like she would probably get some other men attention...I am confuse should I try to be more responsive or initiative ?
Really counter intuitive and is so hard to maintain Long term relationship ...
Any video how we should not affected by women becoming their emotional tampon and become their chat feminine buddy ? Pass her shit test and be in control , stay in masculine frame ..this dynamic is it Toxic and driving me into bad mental health...I dont understand women wants and need
Lol. So true, William.
@@fj4731 what? no. this other person who agreed with you is wrong. It's a bare minimum to text your girkfriend daily. you are the man. be the man and initiate and call her baby and put some emojis there if that's what she likes. What is the big deal? You're overthinking this and by now you are probably broken up. Forget about masculine frame and other women-hating advice.
@@mollysreadings4845 Hi ...I need women advice on Menopause and Mental trauma Depression and Panic attack...
My gf broke up with me twice and for 3rd time all same reason she said i am the root cause of her mental craziness
She having insomnia couldnt sleep at night , and affecting her mental health….should I pull away or show my love or care by initiating contact? She didn’t text me for 53days
She also having problem with Neck Degeneration and back pain..she is in her Menopause age…
Should I be more caring like a Beta or I should Dont care like Alpha to just respond only when she reach out
She want to do her own thing and I wonder whether am I the part time bf or she only need me when she want to ?
I tried to arrange appointment with Doctors…she rather go on her own but medicine or gynae or chiropractic couldnt help her …she blame me is the source of her Mental Stress by me wanting her to put more effort on our relationship she feel pressure till she break down telling me she need rest..i told her she need Love but she said she want peace and to heal on her own..
How to save the relationship with a gf having Menopause and Medical and Mental health ?
Today is Day 53 No Contact
She said if she miss me she will contact me
@@fj4731 well if she took control of the situation and stated she will reach out if she wants then you should let her. I would not contact her. You could wait until Christmas or her birthday and just let her know you're thinking about her and hope she's doing OK. 53 days isn't that long.
Meanwhile, the fact that you know it's 53 days means (along with everything else you wrote) you're too focused on her.
You need to date someone else or a few ladies. Have a moving on mindset.
You are not to blame for her mental health.
Forget about alpha and beta and all the nonsense labels on the internet. If you want to send the message I suggested above now, go ahead. But thatbis the only thing you should ever send until she responds.
There is a power dynamic, you can't kiss her a** too much (this is betaish in your labeling system) but you also can't be an a**hole and maintain frame I think you call it.
A man is a leader a woman can respect because he has good character, he is kind, has integrity, loyal, honest, hard working and trustworthy.
Be that man.
If they can’t apologize, they are not accountable. Either way, RUN!
I don't think they struggle to apologize. I don't think they try, so they are certainly not struggling.
Exactly. It's their way or the highway with DAs. Wrong-doing on their part does not even occur to them. If you don't like it, you are the problem.
This really spoke to me. I went through a breakup nearly a year ago and I really struggled with her lack of empathy and inability to make a sincere apology. It has been incredibly hard
Sometimes these types can have narcissistic traits. The lack of empathy and withholding of accountability is a way for them to maintain power
As the DA never apologises, it's not love it's trauma bonding. I would remain no contact. & that's what I'm doing.
I was in a relationship with a DA. During the relationship he never apologised. He would instead guilt me by the silent treatment. I ended up apologising. I asked for a conversation regarding our conflicts but he refused all the time. Recently he broke up with me saying he wasn't happy. No acknowledging of my emotions. No attempt to understand me. I trusted him so much. I thought he was committed. I was so insecure throughout.
@Ckay Faith don't want spam
@SA V This is my exact story. I lost my self in trust, self esteem and just me.
@@qhxhdsla it's harsh, unfair. I don't think DAs deserve all this sympathy. They are adults and know the impact of their doings. For a day I blamed myself cause I became angry and showed it. But immediately forgave myself cause it's natural.
Woah I just read my comment from 2 months ago. I'm over it now.
Hey wish you the best. Hope there was no abuse.
@user-ts1xf6uv6f no, thanks.
Sounds about right. With my ex it was always my fault. Everything. He was impossible to deal with
This makes so much sense. I met someone about 6 months ago who I believe to be a dismisive avoident. She love bombed me and in the space of a month went from telling me how amazing I am to acting totally cold and distant and like it was my fault She was doing so. The whole carry on has gone on for the first 4-5 months of the new year till last week I said enough was enough but the whole time I received these back handed apologies along the lines of 'I'm sorry if you feel I did..' 'I'm sorry you feel I hurt you' etc etc. The apologies themselves hurt as much as the cold vindictive attitude She had. Never had my mental health been depleted by one individual so rapidly. Hope everyone is safe and can heal from these situations, they do not serve your self esteem at all.
[ She love bombed me ] Dude, it is call flirting. It is just having fun.
She doesn't own you an apology. This is why you can't have a friends with benefit type relationship with an Anxiety type. If you can go so crazy, over something that is just recreational no strings attached flirting, image if recreational no strings attached sex! Some anxiety type OMG, even after you told them it is just kidding around early onwards, they still write a whole essay on it. Yap, I am seen to crazy bird flying around your head
Prolly a Narc
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
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This is spot on. My DA half heartedly apologizes in spurts, but then it all goes away within days.
Glad it resonated for you. Appreciate the feedback.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
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hi!
*Can you make a video on how to AVOID dating an avoidant!*
18 years, 4 times being cut off and pushed away until I left. Each time she came to me, wanting me back. The 4th time, I was gone two months, went No Contact and she hacked my email and was messaging me through my own email. Came to me crying and asking me "why won't you just let me love you". I went back, and married her. 4 years later she did it again and I have lived with roommates only for past 4 years. Now she wants divorce. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, I thought Covert Narcissist because so many of those traits fit her. Now this DA thing, and what I know about her Mother, it sure looks DA. Either way, it's a painful, horrible, impossible, way to live for the person who loves them. This video is really describing her well. My heart is broken again. I didn't cut the cord years ago and wasted 18 years of my life. I hope these videos help people walk away if they see DA traits. It will never get better and probably get worse as they age. At last break up my friend said she would need at least one year of intense Psycho Therapy. I didn't listen to him, but he was right. Please run from these people. They break your heart.
why does everyone make excuses for these people. you can try to explain all you want. if someone isnt remorseful for hurting people that love them that makes them bad. its literally that simple
Tonight, My DA ex boyfriend came over after barely talking for a year.
He admitted that he was wrong about everything and to me that was an apology.
Hopefully that was helpful to hear.
If you have to ask anyone for an apology that means they are not sorry. They are sorry they got caught.
Everything you said is true but on their behalf it's no excuse for their actions their adults now time to grow up and get help no excuses going around hurting people time and time again is evil and God will punish these people in the end again no excuses for these people NONE
I clicked on this video because I am in this state of limbo with my father, and he is DA as can be. I told him I was hurt by his behavior, he was SUPER dismissive. I told him I was hurt by his dismissiveness, he was MORE dismissive.
I feel that I deserve an apology but he would rather just move forward as if nothing happened.
He's letting our relationship die on the vine because he can't face his own shame for how terribly he's treated me. It honestly hurts so much.
We've had a pretty good relationship over the years. I've been aware of his limitations and accepted him for them, but they are in my face now and I can't just brush this under the rug. It feels like I'd be betraying myself to just let it go with no acknowledgement.
Talking about empathy, my DA ex never showed empathy for ME but he had empathy for all the other people and I don't know why.
It was very hurtful.
DAs are low in cognitive empathy in interpersonal relationships.
@@hamzahkhan4319 more they are close to you,less empathy they have
Same happened to me!!!!! She has empathy for people that treated her terribly but none for anything she ever did to me. I am learning so much here!
@@ArielAriel-rg8ng golden words of wisdom my dumbass realized only after a lengthy heartbreak.
This. He made me feel so insecure texting other woman, showing them comfort, support and empathy... i was dismissed and got fake apologies texts from the internet
Someone who has avoidant tendencies (like struggling with vulnerability, not talking about feelings, feeling discomfort with different forms of intimacy), but who also lacks accountability, can't apologize and lacks empathy sure sounds like narcissistic behavior to me. My ex-wife didn't apologize for anything meaningful in 20 years. She was all about blame and was incapable of self-reflection. She was more naturally inclined to use me than try to be close to me. I'm 100% sure that she has a dismissive avoidant attachment style and 80% percent sure that she has covert narcissistic tendencies. I'm pretty convinced that I was married to that rare combination. However, I do think you can have narcissistic tendencies and leanings and not have full blown narcissistic personality disorder.
10 years of marriage and my wife has never once said she's sorry.
You’re in hell
Same. 20 years in my case. Not once. It's staggering isn't it.
My ex da never said im sorry but he would buy me gifts and put more effort into the relationship when he knew that he messed up in some kind of way
Interesting observation. Thanks for sharing.
This sounds like my experience as well. For 4.5 years. Trying to fully detach now.
Same. Never apologized, but gave me gifts. I prefer the apology
To be accountable and to apologize, one needs to be vulnerable. Emotional vulnerability is DAs's biggest fear :) (They are not at fault for this. They are this way cz their emotional needs were never met as toddlers/kids) So they would subconsciously project/deflect every issue on to you and to the relationship than apologising or being accountable.. (Even though they know that their disfunctions are the root of the problem.) Its easier for them to make everything is your fault rather than being accountable. I feel sad about these people. They sabotage relationships subconsciously. DAs are not nessasarily bad people, but their intense fears make them bad romantic partners. Hope they all heal cz everyone deserves to lead a happy and healthy a life.
Beautifully said ❤
I used to not apologise but after seeing how much it hurt when my parents didn’t apologise when I asked them to, I’ve made an effort to change my ways. It backfired in a toxic workplace (care home, of all places) where I was bullied by a couple of coworkers (and sexually harassed and then dismissed by manager when I sought help).
One time I apologised sincerely to this older lady for being a bit rude (I have autism/adhd which makes me appear rude when I don’t mean to) and she got very defensive to my apology! She said ‘I’m not taking the blame for this!’ And got upset, which didn’t make much logical sense but she was obvs triggered.
There was nothing to take the blame about, in this context! But people were often singled out by our toxic af managers (1 male and 1 female he had trained). I instantly regretted apologising, this lady went on to bully me quite ruthlessly, it was like being in school again, I had not experienced such behaviour since childhood, except in isolated situations. This was trickling down from the top.
The only thing that ever trickles down is awfulness, never good things - as some economists would have us believe. 😞
Sympathy versus empathy, not everyone has the skill of empathy, detrimentally and unfortunately
To clear up any questions around attachment avoidance and narcissism: Narcissism is a specific trait/condition people have, regardless of attachment style. The most common narcissist is the FA because they have the "you are bad" world view that comes with avoidance, while having the anxious strategy for supply. The reason people think DAs are narcissists is because they think narcissism equals lack of ethics and empathy, but that is just the meaning of a bad person. The emotional neglect they endure as children teaches DAs a reality void of connection and empathy. Alot of them are simply bad people. Bad parents most likely create bad children
If it wasn’t so painful it is laughable. An absurd way it is laughable the horseshit they expect you to believe and abide by.
It makes sense there is far more advice for men in the world on how to talk to and interact with women, than there is advice for women on how to talk to and interact with men
Great content. You bridge academia with a woman's sensibilities in layman terms. Much appreciated.
Thank you for the thoughtful compliment.
My husband cheated and told me, “Don’t expect ppl to apologize, in their eyes it won’t always be such a bad thing and if it came from them it doesn’t make them wrong, they’re just following their feelings and this doesn’t apply to those things you said I said.”
Im so sorry, that must have really hurt. You say your husband, you decided to stay with him?
why would you stay w a cheater
I always apologize for my wrong doing
when my ex (FA?) broke up with me, the lack of ownership on her part was deafening, especially when she seemed to blame me for all of the issues. Who needs to be around people like that? Not me!!!
I feel like I went through this with a situationship that ended lately. Got flaked on for a date, cryptic excuse which I said ok, then blocked, then 10 days later unblocked with a whats up msg? I didn’t respond as I wasn’t taking games and so she sent a msg a day later saying “all the best”. Went to respond saying you blocked me so it’s over and then she realised I’d been blocked again.
Ngl, I really love this girl still, but I think my head knew she was not right for me and was just messing with me. Feels like a bitter breakup even tho it was a situationship at best. I texted her saying what I would have said on WhatsApp, but with a bit more added. I might be misinterpreted as patronising but in the moment I had to be firm and nothing that I said was false. Course I’ll never know if I was blocked on sms too. Kinda hope I was. Need to move on even though my heart still loves her. It’s toughhhhhh
How long ago realized empathy is my gift to the world I don’t think you should have extended interactions if you lack empathy. Or you don’t try to cultivate. Otherwise you’re kind of seemingly dead inside, at least, in my perspective, limit interactions, and cultivate self-love, if you lack empathy otherwise it’s just harming.
Thank you Katya for your video, I picked up some more insight which is always good. I have struggled with the severe shock and nonstop questioning within myself asking 'how could someone be so cold and cruel who just shared intimacy and a deep connection with me for an extended time justify themselves"'. The only responses I received were flawed and lacked any understanding of the situation or our relationship etc. I searched for understanding what had happened because with understanding comes compassion, with compassion comes healing and with healing brings progress. It is extremely easy to stay in the sadness, despair or anger, revenge type phases but they only have dead ends and no ability to move beyond them whereas understanding fulfills this. I explored and understood what had occurred, found solace in this and then moved onto compassion and healing. I chose to progress by understanding the entire situation throughlly so i could then offer this understanding to my 'ex' in hopes that she would benefit from it for herself in life and yes for a small bit of personal hopes she might 'rethink things' and find what she had so cruellly and coldly tossed away like garbage but my main purpose was for her because I knew she was a good person that was overcome with past created trauma from an abandonment. With some time having passed by now I am conflicted with one thing, during the 'breaking up time' I can understand the major lack of empathy or offering of any legit truly remorseful apologies but I cannot accept that now, after much time has passed she cannot find in any way the ability to offer any form of apology. There is no threats to her trauma or threat of any triggering them etc, so is it not a 'choice' at this point and thus not only a purposeful wrong but a clear exposure of a person's actual character flaws ? She offered friendship but due to an obvious lack of trust, belief in her as a reliable person and the lack of any will to apologize sincerely or take accountability for her very damaging actions I hesitate to accept this and my gut says walk away because she will more then likely just cause me more pain and hurt. I do struggle with overcoming these feelings and do feel that only with understanding and compassion can people truly heal and since she was abandoned as a youth that by leaving her and denying her any friendship i may in fact only be contributing to solidifying her created trauma which causes me moral and caring conflicting thoughts and emotions. My question though is about the 'choice' of her not offering or showing signs of even having the will to properly and sincerely apologize now after all threat to her internal self and trauma triggers have passed, extremely hard to justify her position at this point but causes me conflictions also....Thanks, Steve
Hi how did you deal with your situation ?I am having a similar experince
I'm Anxious/Secure mix and empathy is the main thing I struggle with. Definitely not just the avoidant.
Going thru a breakup with a DA and he was neglected at an early age and is now an alcoholic himself. He was amazing the first year we were together and then SUDDENLY he became cold and began icing me. He broke up with me for no reason 2days before my birthday and then played head games and tried to keep me around for a booty call situation 😓that was more hurtful than anything and it really broke me. I am struggling to trust myself to choose a good partner. This has really thrown me for a loop and he is just so cold
Hi, I have been thru this recently myself, what you said about how it "broke you" and how you are struggling to "trust yourself" and that it has "thrown you for a loop" caught my attention immediately. The shock of the sudden reversal of feelings towards me along with the severe coldness and lack of remorse or empathy was almost as damaging as the instant 180 out of nowhere. We also had an amazing stretch of time like you mentioned and there is major reasons for that, like with you I am sure, any signs of commitment issues, trust issues, or inability to be close were not present because they felt 'safe and secure' as well as 'felt love and comfortable' with us because they did and only focused on that. Then something triggers them and boom, they literally do a 180 and it's brutal, severely brutal on us because of the obvious lack of empathy or remorse plus the shocking and surprising attitude they have that somehow in their broken brains we are the problem and it's 'our fault' this happened. It puts you in an instant state of shock, then the reality starts hitting and trauma is felt, followed by sadness and hurt and then the anger and feelings of wanting to ram all the pain they caused down their throats. I went thru this but told myself to push past those phases because theres only dead ends within them, going to the very important phase of 'understanding' is the only way to properly heal and have most of the pain and hurt etc leave us. With understanding comes compassion, with compassion comes healing and with healing comes progress. I also wanted to say that I obviously know nothing about you except this short comment from you and that music is an important part of who you are, music is also a major part of who I am and like me I am sure that music brought you and brings you solace and allows you to release and feel emotions and then heal from this. I also wanted to say that I am just a regular guy from Vancouver, Canada, not some online weirdo lol but checking out your YT channel I also looked at your picture and if I may say so, respectfully and with pure intentions of giving you a compliment, you are, well, a smokin gorgeous woman. So stay positive, smile and know that there are a zillion guys in this world that just from you being a lil country girl, open hearted, lover of music and truly very very naturally beautiful would be blessed and damn lucky to have you to share life with. And again, with all respect and only purpose of saying smile, believe in yourself, trust yourself and do what country girls do, get back up and kick off the dust, life's ride isn't over, not even close..... Sincerely, Steve 😉
Me an INFJ, called my boyfriend ti take my stuff. ( waited for an apology for a month) decided to finally tell him I'm leaving him due to his absence of empathy in our relationship .Never apologizes at all even if he did wrong . I finally decided go leave him. I can't live a life liike this. He even dared me to do it,and I'm like ...ahhhh ..there goes my feelings in the trash bin.
During the relationship he would always say "sorry and that he will do better" during any conflict. After abandoning me he does not apologize for a single thing. Was w him 7 years and he just walked out one day
When I was younger, I may have had issues apologizing. I have a high EQ and I can step into other peoples shoes fairly easily, so it’s not an issue. However, I recently expressed being hurt to someone I had been long distance dating for almost a year. She became very defensive and didn’t feel the need to apologize. It was disappointing, because I used to think of her as someone that’s very empathetic. I think she may have had an avoidant attachment style, because communication was horrible and she’d often disappear after emotional closeness.
Thank you for recording and posting this valuable educational video.
Glad it was helpful!
The da is also sparing with their ‘please’ and ‘thank you(s)’ 🙄
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
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Omg. This totally describes my situation. So frustrating
Glad it resonated.
What a helpful and soothing presentation for a victim of an unwarranted abandonment
Perhaps we should entirely abandon the idea of guilt and responsibility in human relationship.
We have a planet of more or less damaged individuals struggling to establish loving bonds of reciprocity and thereby build families and raise future citizens.
When a relationship fails, the issue is to understand if and how it is possible to repair, adapt and move on with the goal of our short transition in this nether world.
If we cannot help a damaged person establish a loving relationship, there is no point in demanding apology
Iw we sing to a deaf person who fails to respond, it would be cruel to expect an apology from this person, especially if the person at the onset of this relationship wept and informed you of her handicap
I would be happy to share details by PM
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights, Farhan.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
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If a DA action come off as fuck boy… narcissism or not that into you… the feelings these action’s produced are the same and they should be avoided
Interesting. My avoidanf ex apologized through text and also said "hope you don't hate me and will forgive me". I never responded back. Next day he was flirting with girls in front of me at the gym and acting like a child. Sad, we had a good 8 months but couldn't commit.
Any other DA’s in here reading the comments like😬?
😆
@@KatyaMorozova I hate reading the comments, but it helps me understand how I can improve myself. So I'm anxious while learning lol.
This really really really helped me understand. Thank you so so much.
Thanks for letting me know! I’m glad you found it helpful. : )
@@KatyaMorozova so do we express to the DA that we would appreciate an apology or simply understand they are incapable of one? My DA ex contacted me during no contact to ask me out to dinner and I rejected him because of the fact that I felt he needed to address some things first. I know now that he doesn't know how to handle conversations about emotions and even apologize but I felt offended that he has been contacting me like we didn't break up and next to go back to our previous setting.
I'm convinced my ex is more an FA. Since that's a DA and AP, combined, I can honestly say that they will avoid apologising. When something she did or said bothered me or built into frustration she'd simply say "they're your feelings". But I'd have to apologise and show I mean it...
I got silent treatment if she even suspected something was up with me and there wasn't. I'd have to defend myself which annoyed her.
I don't understand what's so difficult about apologising.
Ive been absolutely abused by numerous grilfriends in my past and all i was trying to do was have a relationship and eventually start a family. Never once heard sorry for all the inhumane treatment i received. Women are mostly narcissistic and not worht the trouble. Im 39 now and single i am finished with these modern women. Never been happier!!
For what it's worth: "Never apologize mister, it's a sign of weakness." (John Wayne, "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon", 1949)
I so want to send your video to her but have resisted. I know she is having therapy since our break up and wonder how powerful this could be for her
Another wonderfully lucid, informative and thoughtful piece of helpful analysis inspired by benevolence and supported by knowledge. Thank you!
I'll give a tip for everyone. When dealing with avoidants WE OURSELVES ARE THE ONLY ONES RESPONSIBLE! Yeah that's right Only we can take accountability for getting involved with them.
They will hop up and down on your boundaries and then pitch a baby tantrum when call them to account.
Wow ..amazing. It's like a light bulb has gone on. Thank you
You’re so welcome. Glad it was helpful.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
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So much pain in the comments. We are all humans, we all have behaviours that are damaging someone we love in ways we might not yet be aware of ourselves. Remember that DA’s are created from trauma too. The best we can each hope for in our individual journeys is that we have the courage to look at our selves, address our issues and not pass on this shit to our kids. If you are still with your DA, don’t give up. If you have cut and run for your own survival, I hope you are in a better place and can be helping others.
He ghosted me for 5 months. I did not contact him.i let him go. He came back on the 8 for my birthday wishing me a happy birthday. I politely responded thank you. He tried small talks .i did not entertain it. He continue next day and next day small talks.no response from me. He want to act as if he did not ghosted. I will never take him back unless he take accountability, apologize, repair and start therapy . DA are a mess.i am surely happier without the drama and toxicity they bring .
Mine apologized for his faults in the relationship but he didn’t attempt to repair things. Joke’s on me
Amazing work as usual. Thanks and love from the UK ❤️
Thanks a ton! Love back from the US.
@@KatyaMorozova I managed to get the ex back after our appointment. Thanks for your help. Learnt a lot.
@@mrsimo7144 Oh wow! That's so great. I'm so glad you found you found your way back to each other. : ) Happy to help.
@@KatyaMorozova As it turns out it wasn't her as a extreme DA but me as a anxious pre. Managed to meet her and sincerely apologised for my dumb behaviour and we're moving forward slowly. So check your own attachment style before pointing fingers. I'm very lucky. ❤️
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
That's quite helpful to understand. Thanks 🙏😊
My pleasure. I’m glad to hear it. : )
@@KatyaMorozova 😊💜
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
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I have childhood trauma therefore I can do whatever I want. I am blameless
Mine just kept saying I'm sorry you feel that way
Pushes options down. May not even react to life difficulties for days or months. Counter dependent and pseudological. Not saying sorry or at extreme blameshifting. Some may be f60.81 and some are not. It's the entire knowledge of personality disorders. As a psychotherapist of 40 years I don't think lacking empathy is the Hallmark. But 4 E's with a pattern of blameshifting over the years in all areas and a refusal to do the work. P.s. There are 4 types of d.a's and the f60.81 with the 4 E's is useful for ddx. Check your shadow. More likely a vulnerable narcissist if a narcissist at all. Attachment and personality disorders are related. Not all d.a.'s are narcissists. But some narcissists are d.a. or disorganized.
What's 4E's?
Can I recommend this video to the DA? It's very helpful
I don’t understand, how can it be so difficult to empathise with someone feeling hopeless and helpless when you were also hopeless and helpless? Is it because they won’t admit to themselves that they were H & H? Are not conscious of it, in denial, etc? I’m very insecure (CPTSD, voluntarily put in care, sexual abuse, etc) and open about it. He still refuses to apologise when I am clearly hurt. I often apologise. I’m so tired.
Excellent explanation thank you.
You’re welcome! 🙏
Why would a DA ever apologise, they never think there wrong, they have deep narcassitic traits, some have NPD but all have traits.
I don't know which of these my husband but he sure has the inability to apologize , I always brushed it off until it now affects my kids too.. He does things like lifted our daughter high up on a teeter totter and she screamed because she was scared ,he kept doing it and then instead of apologizing told her to stop being whiny , He smacked her today because her little sister was crying , which first of all was not right , she explained what happened and that she didn't do anything but he still wouldn't apologize , she asked why she gets punished and he said because you didn't answer me quick enough . Only a few examples he does this and worse to me , I'm just tired of trying to help him, I'm tired of apologizing to our daughter for him, I'm so tired of it all ...
Question to my case: my ex (ad) broke up with me almost two months ago after a big fight and i immediatly went no contact. Before we broke up it was my birthday and he planned a day for us but he didnt go through with it and then we broke up. Two weeks after we broke up he called me to have closure and then said i f i still have some of his stuff i should tell him so he can come and pick them up but the next day we got into a fight after i asked him if the break up really is a good idea and then i went no contact again. I send him his stuff via delivery and since then he is been talking about my "gift" a Spa day and i should pick a day. I dont know what to think of it since we broke up once in 2020 and we got back together cause he wanted to see me to give me my gift he owed me since we didnt see each other cause of corona. Anyway now i dont know what to do cause i dont feel secure enough and emotionally stable to see him again and do a spa day. I told him i cant do that right now and he said ok. Im planning on getting back to no contact, but i cant really figure out his behavior, any ideas?
if you really want happiness in life, let him go. i have been in the same loop for last 6 and a half years. my DA bf keeps breaking up with me and then comes back again. when things get serious he breaks up again. and after break up he misses me comes back again. his hot and cold behaviour has really impacted my well being. we broke up in january, he dumped me on my b'dy for no reason. then in feb he came back again, just casual chatting. i was so hurt that i went no contact. in march again he started sending me msgs. in april we got back.in may again he for no reason blocked me and now yesterday he unblocked me. my bf has a strong dismissive avoidant style. now i have decided i cant keep up with this torture... so if u really want peace and happiness go for a guy who can commit, can give u emotional security, not somebody who can't even process his own emotion. i didn't give up for 6 years but now i am in severe depression, so i am letting him go. u too make a decision which is best for your mental well-being.
i do love my bf a lot. he is my first love. i know its not his fault, he has v neglectful, emotionless, exploitative parents so he don't know how to love. but he is hardly there for me, its always about his space and freedom. we hardly meet now, he never calls or text. if i do call or complain he calls me clingy. the more i try to adjust with his DA personality, the less love he gives me in return. i may love him a lot, but if a partner is not even there for my b'dy whats the point of being in a relationship where i have to beg for his presence in my life. its better to be single than to suffer like this.
@@flaneur8858 wow im sorry to hear that but also glad you decided to move on. My ex also is hot and cold but whenever i complain he tries to change. He calls and texts regulary and he tries to open up to me . My issue with him is i feel like he wants all the attention for himself and he cant handle it if i treat him the same way he treats me. Its like either he doesnt know how he is sometimes or he knows it but since he is not doing it on purpose he gets mad at me since im doing it on "purpose". Its confusing but im staying in no contact. I told him no to the spa day and he said ok then he called me a few days later but i missed it. I didnt call him back either. I deserve honesty and effort and security and he needs to change. Im staying in no contact because i want him to know how life is without me and that if he wants me back he needs to make a decision and work on himself. Im not making it easy for him. I wish u all the best ❤️
I reached out to my DA ex bf after 36 days of nc I send him this
"I apologize for all the disrespectful words and things I ever said to you .
I was very toxic and pushy I pushed you to do things you're not comfortable with.
I forced myself on you .
This is not love , this is sickness
I gave you anxiety and stress instead of peace ,comfort and love .
You were so kind , gentle, caring and loving boyfriend.
I wish you all the peace and love in your life and I hope you will find the woman who can appreciate you.
And thank you for all the memories. "
And he answered me an hour later (which was very good)
"Don't blame yourself it's ok I. Apoligise for everything too thanks for good memories"
I don't know what to do next 😞
I want him back
Update?
Thanks for the advice Claire Danes
Any time!
Yep ..My ex father was a severe alcoholic
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
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How do I know it's not just PDA? I've gotten exactly two in over 6 months.
I completely disagree and believe you're wrong about your empathy bit. Yes, it is true that empathy isn't a "you have it or you don't" type of thing. For example, I won't have as much empathy for you if something bad happened to your loved one, because I don't know you. But if something happened to my loved one or someone close to me, I would have tremendous empathy. So, in some cases I have low empathy and in other cases I have high empathy.
This "DA" or "narcissist" empathy issue arises when you're dating/engage/married with someone who you've built a close bond with and the person (who should have empathy for you) shows a major lack of empathy towards you. If they treat YOU differently (abusively) than OTHERS, what is likely happening is that your abusive partner has cognitive empathy but lacks emotional empathy, which is a hallmark of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Mixing not being bothered by things l, people with forgiveness is misleading. Playing victim and forgiveness are not the same as well. Being mean and egoic has also nothing to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is a result of being accountable and have a confrontation. Otherwise it is not.
Very spot on
Thanks for letting me know it resonated. 🙏
I'm going through this now.
Do avoidants struggle with empathy as well?..my ex would say things like i some what feel sorry for how i hurt you and i hope you can forgive me one day and for some reason he thought that statement was empathetic lol i use to be so dang on confused and hurt it only took me one experience with a avoidant man to NEVER go back again i wouldn't wish the heartache i went through on nobody it was a blessing though i got motivated to go to therapy and truly understand and learn much more about my self and own past traumas my ex of course doesn't feel like he needs any therapy but i know that is because he truly believes hes not avoidant or problematic but thats his choice
Apologies mean little. A woman's behavior must change
TL;DR - pride
Lol some people will never apologize
The use of Heart energy is just too low, too little. Those one-sided DA energies can go without me / us.
Reasons it can be difficult for a dismissive avoidant person to apologize:
1) They may not know how to apologize in an appropriate way, especially if the content of the apology pushes them to empathize with emotions that are uncomfortable to them, such as vulnerability. They struggle with trust, vulnerability, interdependence, self-reflection, and taking accountability for harm done.
2) Apologizing may not have been modeled to them, or it was modeled in an unhealthy way. So expressing emotions, expressing remorse, or being vulnerable may be seen as a sign of weakness. (They may have been modeled, and still believe, that apologizing is humiliating, weak, or demeaning instead of what it is: courageous, vulnerable, and thoughtful. So they get defensive and even hostile to protect themselves from those feelings.)
3) Struggle to accept responsibility for their actions or their feelings. They may not be able to own the consequences of their actions or they may be to ashamed to admit any wrongdoing, particularly the worse the offense.
4) Even if they are sorry, not apologizing can be a strategy to create emotional distance.
u also look u have some avoidant tendecies dont want to offend you but it appears
You could help my get over my x..by going on a date..lol ..your beautiful..happy M day....🎉🎉 Nice.. meaningful, well expressed videos
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
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Coming from an abusive family situation, I am (with great delay) aware of how genuine apologies can be used to blameshift and gaslight someone. I used to admit to small digressions and accept that the other family members weren't capable of the same thing. While to me it felt like the right thing, on their end it meant that I was passive and a confused mess and it invited them to continue the toxic stuff. I did take a big distance (in various ways) but this makes me understand why a DA (having internalized bad experiences & not being as good at making logical connections) would generally feel uncomfortable about apologizing. It can hurt when a DA mistrusts you but then you can choose not to take it personally & that's how the DA slowly understands that you're a fellow survivor, rather than a threat. & why not allow a friendship. It seems stubborn how some people insist on romantic love while refusing to care like a friend would... Also, it looks like a lot of people who make DAs look bad in comment sections are actually narcissists & they just can't handle how rigorously resistant a DA is to their intense & shady ways. ☺️ Nice channel. All the best!
As a AD my self...I don't think I need apologise for anything. In my opinion the problem is those with Anixety style.
They are far too jealous, controlling, possessive, needy and clingy. They got serious boundary issues. And they need take every little thing you say and do out of context and write a whole essay on it. They are gaslighting, they are manipulative. There are good reason, why people leave them. So, no, I don't see I need to apologise for anything. The anxiety style need apologise. They are the crazy ex girlfriend type.
See what she said about taking responsibility. You seem to lack any.
That’s what bothers me about DAs- they are entitled and think they can walk into people’s lives and then criticize shamelessly with no empathy.
Yes they are highly narcissistic in a bad way.
@@Cashalfstory At least unlike you people, we are not a bunch of psycho stalkers. We ask a girl out, she doesn't like it, we move on. We don't go around stalking girls, we don't go around calling girls saying "If you leave me I will kill you." You people got no respect to other people's autonamy.
[Yes they are highly narcissistic in a bad way.] Look whose talking, psycho stalker (aka anxiety type)
[entitled and think they can walk into people’s lives and then criticize shamelessly with no empathy. ] Look whose talking psycho stalker (aka anxiety type)
Just, WOW! Typical D.A. reply......SELFISH!
As a DA you don't realise your actions causes this.
@@lizp637 No, you are the problem. Did I say it is going to be a committed relationship? The answer is no.
I needed to hear this, even though l apologised after 2 breakups now, the only thing my ex apologised for was for getting into 2 separate rebounds. Even describing the first rebound as "the poor bastard" She doesn't seem capable of owning her 50% and will no doubt get into another rebound. I feel the hamster wheel is spinning again 🛞
Hi coach
my ex bf and I met via dating app ( I'm arab he is Turkish we both live in turkey) in may 2021 we chatted for 4 months till we met due to I was living in different city so we met he was so good , loving, caring ,gentle and warm we were perfect , or so what I thought, we had small fights like any couples but we always go back together then in the end of February we had big fight over stupid thing he didn't reached out at all I begged him to come back we broke up about 2 weeks then we were perfect again, but in the last may after he came back from his big family house, he changed he started to make problems with me ,like we're different we will never going to make it I told him you knew I'm arab since day one of meeting me , then he started to talk about my abusive father he said I don't feel safe ,ps my father lives in different country smh!! then , then he apologized for saying the racist things then he said he told his mom about me and he want me I was angry at him I blocked him for 5 days then came back to him telling him let's start he said no we're over I don't want you anymore, I begged and begged he ghosted me, I did no contact for 5 weeks then texted him an apology text he responded and apologized too then ghosted me again, 2 days ago I asked him to block me from everywhere because I can't do it (btw he blocked my Instagram only the day of the Instagram) he did block me so easy I'm hurt and pain, then I messaged him from my other insta account telling him I still love him and I can't move on, I dk if my ex is DA or FA but im AP our relationship in total online and face to face is a year
let him go!