Boundaries are not meant to limit you, they are meant for you to put yourself first and decide what you will not allow to enter your personal space (both physically and mentally). Thanks for this video!
When i finally started saying no to people,,, they left me alone.. Just like i always thought. So if i suspect that a person is a narc,,, i just say no.... And they disappear. Its works like a magic trick.
Yes! This happened to me when a 'new" narc neighbor tried to force himself in to my life. He kept leaving gifts on my front porch after telling him nicely that I don't want anything from him . But he continued to try to force me to take his gifts and then finally I had to get in his face and calmly but sternly said "no, I don't want or need anything else from you" to his gifts and asked him to "take a few steps back away from me" (the gift smothering was so weird and kept insisting about how gifts are "what friends do for eachother", and I just met him 3 weeks before and probly only spoke a total of 45 minutes alltogether in passing outside). Now he leaves me alone. If I see him outside we are cordial with eachother. It felt so good.
@@goodmorningsundaymorning4533 If he kept giving you gifts even after all, you could just start throwing his gifts in the trash can. And make sure that they're visibly in the trash can.
Absolutely magical!! I did the same thing to my last narcissist that I attracted and he tried to throw a tantrum to get his way and I went no contact and he disappeared 👻
Tina Schmidt I always have been exploring myself to validate my position, to be understood, to be trusted . This person is gone out of my life . I’m still doing this with my son. He says to me many times , you don’t have to explain. I get it . ...ouh...ok
Gratitude it’s how a narc keeps you reacting. I keep things very simple and monotonous such as “I disagree with your interpretation of events”. If my daughter asks a question, I’ll answer, but being in defense mode actually hurts you, especially in court.
I've come to the point where I don't explain myself anymore. I'm tired, enough for ready for me. I set the boundary and I'm not going to explain any more than is necessary. But I will not go into the defensive and be in the corner anymore.
I had the same thing happen. I was with a narc for 10 years and I finally stood my ground a few months ago. He disappeared so fast. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks until he needed his mail and other things from my house. And when he did contact me he tried to bait me into drama where he was going to verbally attack me but I was finally able to shut it down before it started and not feed into it.
You completely described my behavior for nearly my entire life. I'm 27 and I have ONLY just started to understand and set boundaries. I have lived my life thinking that I was being helpful, and pleasing people when really I was hurting myself and my well-being as a result. So many things you said blew my mind, about 7 or 8 times I think. Very well done.
Boundaries aren’t just about doing things for other people. People will more often cross emotional boundaries , through insults, emotional abuse , gossip, disrespecting your property etc.
Me too ! I can also relate to this , being brought up to be caring & giving which is good , but folks expect you to be available and ready to help , taking your time & energy ! Not anymore 🥰💖self love and boundaries .
Same here! Disappointing that my family saw me as another person to use and abuse. They never taught me boundaries because they didn't have boundaries either and it was easier to take from me! All sad, angry, broken and hurt people. I refuse to let that be me!
This is why I'm no longer friends with someone anymore. No matter what I said or did she needled and disrespected me. I realized they were just a very controlling, manipulative taker.
I 100% agree. I think a lot of people miss that self-assessment, and don't ask those important questions. At the end of the day, we can't help others at the expense of our own happiness.
Yes!! Very well put. This takes practice, just as it would with any new skill we develop. But by saying "no", we are acting on that self-love which is extremely crucial in order for us to have healthy relationships with others.
I worked reaaaally hard on boundaries and saying no when needed.. People in my life got so used to me saying yes to everything that even my own father is angry/caught off guard when I started saying no. I continued saying no but it is very hard.
My god I am sitting in my room to rest and I did niot understand why.. I am so exhausted from trying to keep up with everyone’s needs. I literally had to go get a injection from a horrible migraine and came home and took care of my husband and my grandbaby, cause they both needed me and when it hit almost 8pm, I told my husband that I needed to go lay down for the night his response was ugly and angry and selfish cause I feel like I give so much!! I’m tired so angry and I have had enough!
@@valeriechandler8575 ? Some ones playing games and using names to get to me ? I not sure the culprit but I sure i leaving media now. I think it the oldest sister
Sue and Tina need to stop gossip and evil ways....coach gal need to stop manipulating ad play me for a fool..and tea gal. I can't help her if I am left in dark ..I can't read mind s and i was a good friend that she needs to stop turning me in to the bad guy . And perhaps people like sue Haas can relate to song by John Edwards .sunshine go away today ..I am done wth media .hope go. See some people in life. I am not here for your entertainment t and blame games and bully activity won't end till I am gone .I give y'all the gift of time ! And again I sorry for not being there but don't treat me like I was the total bad guy I was not .and god heal the wounded but some of you are pure evil ..Molly. Tina sue .you should be ashamed I never did nothing to you ..try looking g wth in and find your light .not here fir entertainment t any more. And tea gal I sorry your mom hurt you but I don't think she was all bad.shedid raise many kids on her own and. Worked hard .you should be proud you help her and start seeing find too ...many preach but act different behind scene ...narc abuse need to stop I could reveal more truth but wont..and sorry but you pe need
If you can't fight the urge to answer to a why question, then try replacing any explanations with "Because I said so!" It's a good first step towards not giving any explanations.
Yes it all sounds very selfish. For example me and my husband always helped our Son out over 46 years. Never said NO to him because we loved him. We went way & beyond what we really wanted to do, but now we’re older and he doesn’t need us anymore he says NO to us all the time and he doesn’t do it nicely either. I think he’s watching these kind of videos and taking them literally. It’s so hurtful 🥲
So happy to hear this. It reinforced my doubts on a recent discussion I had with a friend. Though my " friend" didn't respect my boundries and tried to call my family members to tell them about our disagreement. I did not call yours so why you calling mines. My family did defend me and told her not to be calling them to talk bad about me because we were both grown women and if she can't hang not to be playing games she can't hang with. It totally open my eyes and that was 1 step I needed to learn to set boundries. Lately I have been practicing them though not everyone is a fan off
I'm 60 yrs old and learned a lot from this video. Love her advice to ask "What do I need to give myself today?" I've been conditioned my entire life to always thinks of others & have to admit that sometimes it's hard to discern what I want from ignoring my needs/wishes for so long.
I just always assumed that people are like me and have the best possible intention behind every action. I was wrong. I know for myself that I always want to help, and I always sounded pleasant, kind, helpful and understanding. I noticed that those who knew me only as an agreeable person, always open for helping others, couldn't accept when I said no, or when I just a little changed my ways of helping them. They get so angry, become annoying, rude and sometimes violent. It was very odd for me, but I've learned. Better lose a friend who doesn't want good for you, than lose yourself trying to be a good friend to everyone. They want what they want, they will get it no matter what, because they're not here for communication, but for making orders - nicely packed with words please and thank you. Strange but I guess that's life
Love this. I am very much a people pleaser and fear confrontation. Great tips, I’m going to look inward next time I am faced with a situation that tests my boundaries. Thank you Stephanie 💗
Mostly women feel guilty to say no due to their compassionate caring nature. Hence most end up with abusive creepy "partners". And don't fool yourself to think its gonna get better after some time!
It took me a while to learn how to set boundaries. I actually cut ties with a very close friend recently due to this. Do you have a video that explains how you interact with this person in the future? We don’t work together but there will be times that we bump into each other.
I find it so difficult to set boundaries. I grew up not knowing this. I thought that its okey for other people to push me around to do what they want because it is what i saw, lived and experienced with my mother. My mother does not accept "no" for an answer for the things she want me to do and everytime i would say "no" she would be in rage at me, judge me, criticize me, minimize me, insult me,or punish me by ignoring and not talking to me for weeks. So early on i get used to saying "yes" automatically to her though it hurts me so terribly. Now as an adult i find myself so drained and hurt many times because i don't know and have boundaries. It is such dark painful path to be in. I want to thank you wholeheartedly for sharing your knowledge and insights about this. You shed light and guidance into my life right now.♥️
Same here. First I have to learn how to be and stay in touch with myself, my needs, my feelings, my boundaries while being in contact with somebody else (except my boyfriend). No longer dissociate, leave myself and trying to melt with the other person, anticipate what this person needs, feels and meet their expectations. Only because I fear that rage, isolation and punishment like from my mother (malignant narcissist) even though I went no contact 9 years ago. Working on overcoming combined personality disorder since decades. Even with therapists I'm afraid to speak my truth, to say what I need and what not etc. Writing helps me when I'm not able to verbalize it to the other person. When I'm alone, after a meeting, I can quickly feel what I missed to say, what I didn't feel in the moment due to emotional flashbacks. We can heal. For sure!
Sabrina Marie Castro Its so difficult if you were brought up with a narc mum, I’ve been no contact with mine for two years. If you read Fall & Fall Good by Kit Avocet this deals with exactly what you’re talking about. It’s a true story about a mother daughter narcissist relationship and very enlightening.
@@eleanorde-hayes7760 Bolt21 D Truth hurts. I realized now that the person who deprived me of my emotional needs is my mother. I eventually felt so drained, hungry and thirsty for love. I looked that so desperately outside of my family only to have ended up marrying a man and having three children with who is just like her in many ways. He does not truly love and accept me for who i am and abused me emotionally and physically. I was lost and my life have been a total mess because i do not know i have a self and have not love the self. I am starting to self heal myself right now which is so hard to do. I am so glad i found channels like this and beautiful people herewith who can relate to each other because i found answers to why i am the way i am today. Thank you and i will find time to look and read the book you cited.
Important to NOT explain yourself. Always say "no." Say, I have a lot on, I will get back to you by 6pm if I can help, otherwise you know I can't. Oprah learned to say "no." She said these Users will just go ask someone else. Users don't care. They know it's a numbers game. Just no. Then if you turn around and say yes, they might even appreciate your efforts!
I love the way you broke down the child sharing their toy. TY I feel like the Universe wants us to put ourselves first because we can’t pour from an empty cup.
I set boundaries with a friend who , for 4 years avoided paying multiple tickets .... she refused to acknowledge/address the issue until the state came after her bank account...she implied that she needed money, but never fully asked (even though I knew she was asking)...when I asked her, "What are you going to do?" She cut me off.. and then stated to the world, "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Yea...bc that's what I'm good for...solving her damn problems she could have addressed for 4 years - but refused....not sure what she thought was going to happen eventually. I'm so over people playing the victim. If you're old enough to have children and pay the rent.. you're old enough to deal with the pitfalls of money as well.
it's so disappointing when family members you have done so much for and thought cared for you....can turn around and act like you are the problem when you set boundaries and say no. So sad.
Yes, because sometimes boundaries uncomfort people around u, especially the narcs, cause they no longer can take from u as much as the could. Boundaries in a person actually changes a lot in other's people dynamics too, especially when it comes to family.
Thank you SO MUCH for all the amazing information you give to us for free. It's priceless and I really need to hear so many of the messages you spread. Plus, you're amazing at breaking things down so that it's understandable and simple to process and apply. Grateful for your channel, Stephanie. I hope to get one on one coaching with you someday , I feel like it would be life changing.
Boundaries has been one of my big issues. I know I should keep them, and I plan to keep them, yet I fail to stick to the plan. I think it has something to do with forgetting to work on myself and working for the other person instead of working together. I think it should be made clear at the beginnings of the relationship that this is a team game not a solo sport. That way theres no confusion for you leaving or putting in less effort to help than before. You get what you put in you know. Thanks for the video!
Some people need to learn how to be better friends too and don’t mean to be toxic. So it’s important we teach people how to act healthy and remain consistent in this teaching.
New subscriber. Found you right after I came home from a family funeral. I am saying no but I put so much pressure on myself after. And finding your channel was a blessing.🙏
Yes , boundaries are a must. They are for independence. Alot of people are saying Narcissism is here to stay. Not with boundaries. No no no. Empaths can only tolerate so much bull. Its cool for rock songs but we should keep our villains on stage , not in society.
Someone told me exactly what you said today about asking myself questions and checking into myself. Note taken, universe. lol. thanks for this helpful video!
Excellent! I didn't learn this until my daughter died almost 20 years ago. I'm over 50 years old now. I've educated my living kids on this topic as I found this knowledge crucial to navigating through life successfully. Thank you for your wisdom. ~Sage
My biggest problem with saying « no » is my fear of appearing boring and uptight. The story I tell myself is that I’m « happy go lucky » and « relaxed ». But people have taken advantage of me, and I’m starting to tire. Starting to say « no » quicker. It feels much better.
If your fear causes you to sabotage your own boundaries and needs...the fear needs to be addressed at the root level. The core wounds and narratives need to be healed and challenged. Then you won’t fall into being bound by fear of what you appear like to anyone else..you instead get to be congruent with what you want and need. Hope it’s going well for you! I no longer care what people think when I say “no”. I know the “yes” to me is worth it & I’m supporting myself.
Hi Stephanie - great video as usual! I’m going to watch it a couple more times to let it sink in. One thing I would like to mention about boundaries is that it might not always be a case of saying no to a request. For example I feel drained when my Nan constantly talks at me about some awful incident on the news (this happens multiple times a day), but she doesn’t first ask me can I tell you a story? So there is not an opportunity to say no. Does that make sense? What can we do to say no when there isn’t a question? Like if someone does something we don’t like.
This is an intricate web of ideas. A book I read was similarly complex yet rewarding. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
When I say no, everyone want's to know why I'm saying no. They demand a reason. Treats me like I have no reason to say no. Since I have time during the day, I should have time to do anything, anytime for others. Then they work on making you feel guilty for saying no. I'm not in my Narcissist, sociopath, manipulating, alcoholic, relationship any more. I am healing.
Two things I to radically accept. 1. No matter how much you do, some people will still not like you. So what the heck! I have got very comfortable with people not liking me. 2. I'm not Jesus, can't save everyone Bonus: if I feel like doing something for someone will make me resentful later...
What about people who won’t take no for an answer. Like men asking for your number. You say no. They continue asking. Now if you get more stern with your no, and you don’t know this guy, you now, as a woman, may be putting yourself in an uncomfortable and even dangerous situation that you didn’t ask for, with a man you don’t know, who may have such a fragile ego that he cannot emotionally process a stern rejection. I do think people make you feel guilty for not complying, for not wanting to do something. I don’t understand why people can’t just take the no because it’s a no! I don’t need an excuse, I can just say no because I just don’t want to and that’s it. Respect it. What really gets me is that if there’s any hesitancy, any uncertainty or insecurity in your voice, men will smell it and use it as ammo to continue pushing themselves on you. Our “no” isn’t respected! It’s like I have to be LASER DIRECT to the point of being mean and publicly embarrassing the person so that there’s absolutely no misunderstanding that you’re not interested.
Watching this one again as it’s SO hard for me to do. When I was interacting with my mum and said no the rage, abuse and guilt/shame that was thrown at me it was easier to give in and stop the abuse than to stick to my boundary. But watching your videos, Stephanie I reaffirm that I say no and then step away even if my brain is being totally mushed and the frustration/rage inside of me is huge, but I take it away to deal with. SUCH a hard journey this one. Grey rock is ok now, after therapy, but saying no to my mum is still the hardest thing to do because of the rage and abuse that follows,
It's information like this that is helping me learn to be better to me,and learn to do what's best for me, and not be a people pleasing person, especially for the reason to be liked or fear someone being mad at me.That's it's ok to put me first. Thank you Stephanie for presenting this information in a very " down to earth" manner,and the examples you present to make it usable in real life. Looking forward to your next video presentation. Be well, and take care.
My 5 year old always says you don't love me if I don't do anything. I'm so tired of it. It reminds me of characteristics of narcissistic traits and I don't know how to deal with it. I end up getting so frustrated I become bitter. I feel like just giving up and letting her dad parent her but she's only 5 and I know she's my responsibility too
How to know the difference between someone setting boundaries or someone selfish? How we consider and behave the difference between both of them for us as well?
Well in my opinion if you set a boundary and it serves you in a healthy way, then that’s not selfish.It’s putting your needs above all others..and that’s not selfish,it’s self care.
This actually helped me a lot. I put myself in a position of someone getting angry at a friend refusing a favour, and it was just a big eye opener- I felt like a jerk. So now I know if someone gets angry from me refusing to do something, that person is probably a jerk that doesn't respect me or others.
Perfect video! I just started setting boundaries and people aren’t liking it lol! And guess what? I don’t care! I’m finally taking care of ME, for the first time in my life and it feels AMAZING! You have pretty eyes btw!
Is it bad to set boundaries? My “SO” always txts me late at night with her problems but can never tell me directly to my face what is bothering her. It than makes me unable to sleep at night. I’ve asked her to stop but she keeps doing it over and over and over
WOW that child sharing example I am such a people pleaser and I am working on changing it. Thank you I will definitely be reacting to my toddler differently with that.
I absolutely loved your video! You have such great insights and information, and you touch so many people with your wisdom. I wish self-care and self-love was taught to us in school. I think setting boundaries is specifically hard for empaths because they are so good at putting themselves in someone elses shoes that they overlook their own needs and wants and desires at times in order to make sure someone else is taken care of. But as you said, we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of the people we love. Having no emotional boundaries depletes us over time, and it does a huge disservice to our well-being and happiness.
It's like you know me inside out! :-) Everday a video comes up and I can relate to it so much, things I can work on in therapy. Thanks and love from the UK :-) x
I needed this.. I’ve been saying yes to my adoptive family for her conditional acceptance my whole life to the point I said yes to overtime 1.5 years to my fiancé’s family’s business… the last 3 months I’ve felt resentment towards him and then because I was the only one that worked overtime just to be left back on the line while they can work remote… it’s hard and I’m tired of breaking my back to not get the help (pay) or support (team becuase they let go of more people while upping production). UGHHH. Learning every day to be a new person that doesn’t need to over explain the simple things.
this is such complete wisdom. It took me years to get to the point of understanding and really getting what your talking about . I'm thankful that I am seeing myself manifest some of these qualities and am a much happier person because of it. Thankyou Stephanie
Excellent video Stephanie on boundaries. Fear seems to be a big factor in facing this issue. I told a narcissist this: I’m not an astronomer but I am pretty sure the earth revolves around the sun and not you. And that was right after I told them I would call a priest for an exorcism!
Thank you for this video. You are so gentle and validating. Your insight is so relatable. I feel more confident and understanding of myself after watching this. Thank you!
I think it's awesome you brought up how most parents handle sharing with kids, if the toy belongs to my daughter and she's actively playing with it, it's up to her whether or not she wants to share that toy with another kid.
Almost Everyone around us;needs to put in BOUNDARIES;since sometimes people mistake Kindness for Weakness and Oportunism takes place.Happy Holidays 2020-2021
Truly..dont know what I'd do without you 🙏 amazing video, boundaries is something I'm working on at the moment..you couldn't have timed it better. So grateful for everything you do 🙏🌈♥️
I watched “How to Avoid Manipulation” first and then came to this video. How do you prevent setting boundaries and standing your ground from seeming as if it is a manipulation tactic or a narcissistic behavior? Being A confident and self loving person versus someone exhibiting narcissistic behavior? I feel like it is a thin line for the other person and how they are perceiving you.
I’ve never been good at setting boundaries. I’m a people pleaser and I let people stomp all over me. As a result I’m angry and resentful a lot of the time because I feel like I’m always doing whatever everyone else wants and never what I want. I’ve had a friend and her son living with me for over a year and a half. I offered to help her when she was getting out of a bad marriage, and I never anticipated she’d be living with me this long. I want her out. She has no intentions of leaving and I’m too afraid to tell her because she and her son have nowhere else to go and she can’t afford to live on her own. I’m afraid of ruining the friendship, but having her in my space is ruining my and my kids’ lives. How do I make a boundary so I can get my life and my space back?
Who is right, here...and who is wrong? You, get to decide. What makes you think so? Here is the test-question: in the scenario below, is the person who owns the car a Narcissist? Are they going to far with Boundaries, OR-- are they simply being gaslighted by the passenger into thinking they are one? Is the owner of this car within their rights and do they have the right to stand firm against all the "arguments and reasons" shown below? If you think: No...is it because YOU would not stand as firm in this situation? Why wouldn't you? What if the passenger in the car with you is someone who usually always tries to "run everything" and seriously needs a Boundary? Here goes: A family member is riding with you in your car and you have the radio or a music CD on while driving. Its music you really like, but they say the music sucks and to turn it off. Also, this particular person often tries to "run everything". Here is likely how they would try to manipulate you: Them: Gawd, that music sucks. Shut it off. Me: I like it --and this is my car. Them: But I'm a "captive audience". Me: That's the chance you take. NO ONE forced you to ride with me! And its my car. I ALWAYS have Music on. I don't need permission. Its my car. Would you tell me what TV channel to have on if you were in my house? Would i tell you, in your house? Your house, your rules, right? Well, this is my Car. Them: Well, iiiii wouldn't do things like that. I'd shut if off it you were in my car." Me: Maybe. But you would be within your rights either way. But even if you would: YOUR-CHOICES-DON'T-OBLIGATE-ME! Them: well, you could have a little more consideration. Me: iiiii could? That's rich. TWO replies to that: #1. who is on who's "turf" here? When iiii'm the passenger, or a visitor at someone else's place, I do things their way. By the same token, they, or you, can show "consideration" and respect by doing the same for me! "Whatever's Fair". And also: #2. What would I do if you weren't even here? I'd enjoy the exact same music. I'd play it anyway. The same behavior. So what's different? Also, why should I diminish my enjoyment any less, or stop being me, or inhibit myself, just because you are here? Them: That sounds selfish. 15 minutes without your music wouldn't kill you. Me: And 15 minutes of hearing it won't kill you, either. I am totally within my rights when it's in my house, on my property or in my car. Just like you are. Them: Gawd, I hate driving with you. Me: I can stop the car. You are free to go. No one ever forced you at all. Comment: There! That should cover their most likely objections and arguments. One more thing--- suppose i did give them their way on this bit with the radio. How soon would it be before they found 6 other ways and situations for me (or you) to be more "considerate" ? You get to be "courteous" but they will never admit to trying to be "manipulative", ON YOUR TURF, will they? If all they have to worry about is when they are in your car, in your house or on your property, they don't have it bad at all. (end) Questions below: Well? What do you think? Did the owner of the car go to far? Exactly why do you think so? Is it because YOU wouldn't have the courage to stand-up like that? What other reason? Or, did he/she defend his/her reasons quite well and deserves praise for maintaining their own personal boundaries and not wimping-out? Any thoughts?
I don't need to be sick I need security first because everything is going to be more like a big move fast I think you'll be dry tomorrow secure tomorrow or tomorrow Wednesday Friday Jamaica xq
for me I would be manipulated into doing things for people, to have someone to spend time with. they leave me and only come around to get me to do something for them, money or work .like with older people.
🙋🏽♀️ empath, HSP, co dependent, healer and nurse. Totally, exhausted, compassion fatigued, burnt out, Never feeling loved or loving myself has pushed me into a corner and I’m fighting for myself, my self love and it’s a lot of NO’s and a lot of self love going on… Not sure what I will do for work with my nursing degree in the future but right now…it’s finally all about me, my health and well-being. I’m having it very hard to help selfish, mean, demanding, over baring, no boundary having supervisors, patients and families… Most the ppl we treat caused it on themselves, they drain the life out of ppl around them at times then their folks attack the nurse because they can get away with it…a nurse is always wrong It’s a horrible day to be a loving caring person/nurse when ppl take advantage at every turn. The stress keeps the body and spirit under water. I got this! It will all work out for good, since 1997 I put myself on the line for others. And from 1970, I’ve been a no boundaries having daughter to a narcissist mother… And am well over it. 🤭
1. People pleasing for love and approval - Be a giving and loving person - Fill ourselves up Feed yourseld. 2. Self Care - Give to yourself - Ask yourself - Balance 3. Set boundaries - Pull the weight - Help and exhausted or resentful - Seeking validation - Be a good person - No shame or guilt - Don't be codependent - Stop them from learning the lesson they need to learn - Stop saying yes all the time, start saying No 4. Take care of you first Is it good for me? Should I do this now? 5. Say No without explanation - Validation - Seek respect - avoid guilt and pusher - Narcissistic person Respect me for saying no Rested, feel good and do things for the right reasons Stop over explaining Ask yourself why? Don't be guilty Respect the answer no No manipulation No harmful tactics Teach people how to treat you Avoid people that bully or try to take advantage No reason to overlook the explanation No reason to avoid the situation
When we were all children the first word we ever learnt was "no" and when we said no we meant "no!" So it's... "No, I will not brush my teeth, No I don't want that. No, give it." So I think we were always born with a backbone. It's like as your example at the start a young boy or girl is playing with a toy and suddenly he or she's forced to share because adults deam it appropriate to do. It's probably because they want to get on with other Mom's in the play ground or look good saying to share it. If that's his only toy he's playing with how's he supposed to share it? He can't cut the toy in half. It's adults who meddle in. Say if I say to my Mom no I can't get to the shops today to pick up some stamps. I will do that tomorrow for you. Suddenly after that quick text she phones and says why can't you? It would only take two seconds. Say I'm meeting a friend and I'm trying to get my house vacummed and then it's "right okay, I'll ask your sister she makes the effort for me." So suddenly your shamed into doing it. Because you're now compared with your sibling and if she gets it, she's much better than you. Or if Mom rings me up telling me she's taking me out gives me no warning and says she's taking me out to buy shoes and I've forward planned to go out with one of my friends, there's no checking to see if it's alright, or would I be avaliable, and now it's inconvenient for her and she'll go just ring your friend back and arrange to do something on a diffrent day. This is more important you need shoes. I may start saying no mom, I've made plans and I don't like cancelling on others. I usually manage to get my way but not before she tries to make me feel guilty. It will be like. "Oh, so you're not bothered then? Don't worry." So then it's motivated through guilt. Sometimes my Dad will message or call me without checking if somethings alright and it's "I will be up up at eleven be ready" and I will either make noises across the phone like it's not really convenient for me but I'll try or I'll look at the message and I'll see it, and I think like well, you can come if that's what your doing but I won't be ready at eleven and sometimes I've actually rang him knowing I've just had a shower and it's going to take me ages to dry my hair and I have to be in the house to take out a washing load, next thing I know he's speaking to Mom like "She's," he'll say. "Katie's decided to put washing load on." Mom will seccond it and both will go on like I'm stupid and they'll come back on and go why would you put a washing load on this is very inconvenient for us because we have to go to your Nans and do a food shop. We shouldn't have to arrange our plans for you. This is what I'm sure we've all had to experience with bossy domenering parents do. Even my sister does this. I will pick you up at ten. I might be a bit late so can you try to be on time? Like she's reminding me I can't be helpful enough to people picking me up. Again I look at my phone and go. You cheeky squirt, but she will usually tell me a time so I've got that in my head but what she will do which I find is annoying is she'll start talking to me about doing something and so I know I'm doing something with her but instead of following it up and actually saying to me herself she's either running late because of the kids what she'll do is phone our Mom, get Mom to phone me and tell me something she could have easily picked up the phone and told me. She dealt with me first, she had that time to make a phonecall just not me. If I dare mention it to Mom it's well, she wanted a favour so she thought to ring me and get me to pass the message on but to me that doesn't involve her. If I'm dealing with someone I don't want to hear it from another member of the family. My Dad can be thoughtful sometimes and tell me the night before and then the next day I'll get the running commentary off my Mom, be on time, your Fathers got the dentist today and if you make him late he won't do you a favour again. So, sometimes I catch taxis to prove a point, because they try and make me feel guilty like I can't run my own life, that I need them. My husband and I have talked about this what YOU NEED ME means is. Translation I NEED YOU MORE THAN YOU NEED ME.
I made the mistake of not setting any boundaries with my boyfriend because I'm highly codependent. He moved in right away, paid zero rent and offered basically zero help for 4 years! He also refuses to follow house rules I have set and his actions directly affect me and my ability to live in my apartment building. He uses my insecurities and abandonment issues to control me. When I try to confront him over money or his smoking inside the apartment, he'll immediately tell me he should move out or that I'm too controlling, or I'm being ridiculous. He'll tell me he feels like he's in a prison and I'm his warden. He'll immediately get defensive in a similar way my father use to when I was a child or storm out of the house even over little things like me expressing I'm upset. This shuts me down right away and he knows it! How do you set boundaries with someone who you have never before, live with and scares the crap out of you? I'd prefer him to leave but I feel 100% responsible for him almost like I'm his mother.
Why would you want to live your life with this person, open your eyes girl, listen to this video, your strong, smart, and tougher than you think, he is a free loader, get rid of him NOW!
I am so grateful for this video. It helped me realise how my BF overreacted when I said no for the first time, she made me feel guilty, blew up at me, was rather manipulative and condescending and then ended our 37 year friendship without any closure.. All I was trying to do was regulate myself before I can be there for her as I was also going through something. I apologised afterwards and seeked closure but all I got back was twisted sarcastic responses… this video and many of your other videos have been so helpful and validating. I feel like my head is spinning 😵💫 and you start to question your own reality… however I realised I was dealing with an immature person, toxic and potentially narcissistic… it was always about her…
My mom has a hard time saying no. Sometimes she tries to get me to return items over in shops and I don't mind, but she'll say, "tell them it was very big on me, or the shoes didn't fit" and give me an explanation as to why she's returning them. I'll do it for her and then she'll ask me did I say the shoes didn't fit because of... Or did I say the top wasn't what she expected it to be - and I'll just say what I said, I'd like to return this please. She's then said, the shoe lady or the lady at the store was very helpful, you could have put their backs up. But, when I ask for anything like I pick up the phone and actually ask her (rather than her unsolicited help) and she's busy, she'll say why? Why do you have to do that now? You can reschedule your appointment. What did you make it that time for? I'm really busy can't you do that tomorrow? does that have to be now? tell your friend you'll see her another day, don't let her dictate to you when to see her!! I asked my Dad once, normally he's very good but he once said after I asked for a lift "with your sisters kids I can't leave your Mom alone for a minute," whereas he's gone out before to the shops so I feel like he's being an idiot and I'm a big inconvenience, so I don't bother asking, and do things off my own bat, rather than ringing, ill order a cab or ask someone else yet she'll also say "why'd you call a taxi for your Father would have taken you. Or, I told you to make the appointment for another day, it's just to do your eyebrows it's not like it's the dentist, something thats important. That was a waste of money calling for your cab. You didn't have to do that right then." So I don't tell her some stuff I don't even give her an explanation but if my sister calls and says "I've an appointment to tint my lashes could you look after my kids" they'll do that but usually I'm the one who's either selfish or I wait for everyone to be busy apparently and then ask.
213 do you got practice or you need security to ask a question no that's a practice take forever okay take forever that's I think it's better for practice because take forever day is going what's the date today October is very pleasant November 8th pass play today
I’ve also stopped apologizing when saying no. I simply say “no I can’t” or “let me think about it and get back with you” and then I say “no”. No apology, no explanation. Just no.
This video is amazing! My mom basically taught me to make up reasons or lies of why I couldn't do something for someone. Now I realize I didn't need a freaking reason! I could just say no. If someone has a problem with what you do or don't do for them, then that is just a testament to their character.
I’m gonna be a little harsh here, but I did not find this video useful. The discussion was too vague. Give us some concrete examples of boundary setting. Give us some examples of boundaries you’ve actually set or that people you know have set. Don’t just talk about when or where you could set one. 👎🏽
Have them tell you something I've been thinking need to bring a security place I think you got to be moved quick I think that's good friends or not bad choice when
Wow! This is so good. Stephanie I just want to let you know you explain things so well and it’s so easy to understand. Every time I watch your videos I have an aha! moment and the light Bulb comes on. It’s like I woke up. Thank you so so much for waking me out of my sleep. I know it’s going to be a journey but I feel empowered!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Boundaries are not meant to limit you, they are meant for you to put yourself first and decide what you will not allow to enter your personal space (both physically and mentally). Thanks for this video!
💛💛💛💛
I loved the way you summed it up. So smart!
Thank you.
The ones who will be the angered the most when you enforce your boundaries are those who benefited from you not having any! ❤️
That is the issue I am having and its a family member that keeps taking and not giving back.
@Deb Harris Are you referring to the phrase "Do not throw pearls in front of pigs!" ?
Well said
Yes!!!
Facts
When i finally started saying no to people,,, they left me alone.. Just like i always thought. So if i suspect that a person is a narc,,, i just say no.... And they disappear. Its works like a magic trick.
Yuup..everytime!!
Amen! It's the "no" test. I love it!
Yes! This happened to me when a 'new" narc neighbor tried to force himself in to my life. He kept leaving gifts on my front porch after telling him nicely that I don't want anything from him . But he continued to try to force me to take his gifts and then finally I had to get in his face and calmly but sternly said "no, I don't want or need anything else from you" to his gifts and asked him to "take a few steps back away from me" (the gift smothering was so weird and kept insisting about how gifts are "what friends do for eachother", and I just met him 3 weeks before and probly only spoke a total of 45 minutes alltogether in passing outside). Now he leaves me alone. If I see him outside we are cordial with eachother. It felt so good.
@@goodmorningsundaymorning4533 If he kept giving you gifts even after all, you could just start throwing his gifts in the trash can. And make sure that they're visibly in the trash can.
Absolutely magical!! I did the same thing to my last narcissist that I attracted and he tried to throw a tantrum to get his way and I went no contact and he disappeared 👻
Explaining yourself actually backs you into a corner and puts you in a defense position.
Tina Schmidt I always have been exploring myself to validate my position, to be understood, to be trusted . This person is gone out of my life . I’m still doing this with my son. He says to me many times , you don’t have to explain. I get it . ...ouh...ok
Gratitude it’s how a narc keeps you reacting. I keep things very simple and monotonous such as “I disagree with your interpretation of events”. If my daughter asks a question, I’ll answer, but being in defense mode actually hurts you, especially in court.
Yes, it does and most times the person you are explaining yourself to views this as being unnecessary especially if they are a good person.
Love it! True!
I've come to the point where I don't explain myself anymore. I'm tired, enough for ready for me. I set the boundary and I'm not going to explain any more than is necessary. But I will not go into the defensive and be in the corner anymore.
I dont have a problem setting boundaries, i have trouble Enforcing boundaries.
Same here
salonika101 me too. I finally enforced a boundary today.
Sometimes you can’t enforce boundaries with some people, so you have to be willing to walk away for yourself.
@@jlroussin Congrats! Same here :) It gets easier everyday the more you practice
Same here!
Once you start setting boundaries you start protecting yourself. It is the first step to healing. It feels really good when done properly.
@@alexborn5470 If you do it often enough, it becomes a habit. It won't feel selfish or weird after a while.
Oh yes
You feel so strong 💪🏾
It took me 10 years to set/truly stick to my boundaries. After that, his true colors came out. Buh- bye! 👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼
They always do.. setting boundaries and enforcing your standards are the best way to see who a person really is 🙌
I had the same thing happen. I was with a narc for 10 years and I finally stood my ground a few months ago. He disappeared so fast. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks until he needed his mail and other things from my house. And when he did contact me he tried to bait me into drama where he was going to verbally attack me but I was finally able to shut it down before it started and not feed into it.
Thanks a lot 🥰
Dupilkac yeah your really see someone’s true colors when you stick to your boundaries
Stephanie Lyn Coaching iooooooiooiyiiiiyioyyyyyyy
You completely described my behavior for nearly my entire life. I'm 27 and I have ONLY just started to understand and set boundaries. I have lived my life thinking that I was being helpful, and pleasing people when really I was hurting myself and my well-being as a result. So many things you said blew my mind, about 7 or 8 times I think.
Very well done.
Self love will prevent you from letting people walk all over you 💕 set those boundaries and enjoy your life! Cheers ✌️☯️😊
Holly's Happy Hour ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
Boundaries aren’t just about doing things for other people. People will more often cross emotional boundaries , through insults, emotional abuse , gossip, disrespecting your property etc.
So true! I was brought up to be giving & caring & the fixer. Bad! I’ve always given too much. Time to change! I’m saying “No” & liking it. Thanks 🙏🏻 💕
I can relate I was brought up the same way.
Me too ! I can also relate to this , being brought up to be caring & giving which is good , but folks expect you to be available and ready to help , taking your time & energy !
Not anymore 🥰💖self love and boundaries .
Maria C absolutely! 💕💪
Same here! Disappointing that my family saw me as another person to use and abuse. They never taught me boundaries because they didn't have boundaries either and it was easier to take from me! All sad, angry, broken and hurt people. I refuse to let that be me!
This is why I'm no longer friends with someone anymore. No matter what I said or did she needled and disrespected me. I realized they were just a very controlling, manipulative taker.
"Is this good for me ?" " Should I be doing this right now?" If the answer is "no", you need to kindly and respectfully set a boundary
I 100% agree. I think a lot of people miss that self-assessment, and don't ask those important questions. At the end of the day, we can't help others at the expense of our own happiness.
@@KristinCoaching Thank you Kristin for your great advice and a great channel which helps so many people.
@@fancyfree8599 Thank you so much! Gonna keep on helping as much as I can.
Learning how to say no when we feel the need to say no, when we want to say NO. It's about putting ourselves first, respecting ourselves.
Yes!! Very well put. This takes practice, just as it would with any new skill we develop. But by saying "no", we are acting on that self-love which is extremely crucial in order for us to have healthy relationships with others.
@@KristinCoaching yes, absolutely! Agree 100% :)
Sending good vibes !
@@ErikaK To you as well Erika :)
Learning how to say no when we feel the need to say no, when we want to say NO. It's about putting ourselves first, respecting ourselves.
I worked reaaaally hard on boundaries and saying no when needed.. People in my life got so used to me saying yes to everything that even my own father is angry/caught off guard when I started saying no. I continued saying no but it is very hard.
Sarah Grifje keep it up! People who get mad at your no are probably users or narcs.
It is hard at first, but so worth doing it.
I NEEDED THIS VIDEO SOOO MUCHHH. Never stop doing videos 🙏🏼🙏🏼💕🌈 I love you stephanie, you’ve helped me sooo much
My god I am sitting in my room to rest and I did niot understand why.. I am so exhausted from trying to keep up with everyone’s needs. I literally had to go get a injection from a horrible migraine and came home and took care of my husband and my grandbaby, cause they both needed me and when it hit almost 8pm, I told my husband that I needed to go lay down for the night his response was ugly and angry and selfish cause I feel like I give so much!! I’m tired so angry and I have had enough!
@@valeriechandler8575 ? Some ones playing games and using names to get to me ? I not sure the culprit but I sure i leaving media now. I think it the oldest sister
Sue and Tina need to stop gossip and evil ways....coach gal need to stop manipulating ad play me for a fool..and tea gal. I can't help her if I am left in dark ..I can't read mind s and i was a good friend that she needs to stop turning me in to the bad guy . And perhaps people like sue Haas can relate to song by John Edwards .sunshine go away today ..I am done wth media .hope go. See some people in life. I am not here for your entertainment t and blame games and bully activity won't end till I am gone .I give y'all the gift of time ! And again I sorry for not being there but don't treat me like I was the total bad guy I was not .and god heal the wounded but some of you are pure evil ..Molly. Tina sue .you should be ashamed I never did nothing to you ..try looking g wth in and find your light .not here fir entertainment t any more. And tea gal I sorry your mom hurt you but I don't think she was all bad.shedid raise many kids on her own and. Worked hard .you should be proud you help her and start seeing find too ...many preach but act different behind scene ...narc abuse need to stop I could reveal more truth but wont..and sorry but you pe need
@@valeriechandler8575 you need help sue and Tina .
I wish it was a SUPERLIKE button on youtube 💕🌈🌸
Seriously lol
Cancer north node in a crab shell 🦀
I'm becoming very strong minded and I can relate so much. Luckily my husband is all for it. We just want to be happy together. 💜💜💚
He is a beta, he let's you drag him everywhere. What's your Instagram
@@celinamilian Bullshit. He respects his woman and treats her as an equal in the partnership. You might want to try that yourself sometime.
@@celinamilian lol
Aw, you got a good one. 💕
I'm learning to stop talking after saying no. Damn I need to do better loving myself.
"No" is a complete sentences.
If you can't fight the urge to answer to a why question, then try replacing any explanations with "Because I said so!" It's a good first step towards not giving any explanations.
I really needed to hear this ! Thank you so much :-)
💜💚
I really don't think this society is giving society, it's selfish and self centered and arrogant
I think it's very different for men and women
Yes it all sounds very selfish. For example me and my husband always helped our Son out over 46 years. Never said NO to him because we loved him. We went way & beyond what we really wanted to do, but now we’re older and he doesn’t need us anymore he says NO to us all the time and he doesn’t do it nicely either. I think he’s watching these kind of videos and taking them literally. It’s so hurtful 🥲
When you constantly give more than you get and finally say no? You expose the flaw and "they"move on.
So happy to hear this. It reinforced my doubts on a recent discussion I had with a friend. Though my " friend" didn't respect my boundries and tried to call my family members to tell them about our disagreement. I did not call yours so why you calling mines. My family did defend me and told her not to be calling them to talk bad about me because we were both grown women and if she can't hang not to be playing games she can't hang with. It totally open my eyes and that was 1 step I needed to learn to set boundries. Lately I have been practicing them though not everyone is a fan off
I'm 60 yrs old and learned a lot from this video. Love her advice to ask "What do I need to give myself today?" I've been conditioned my entire life to always thinks of others & have to admit that sometimes it's hard to discern what I want from ignoring my needs/wishes for so long.
I just always assumed that people are like me and have the best possible intention behind every action. I was wrong. I know for myself that I always want to help, and I always sounded pleasant, kind, helpful and understanding. I noticed that those who knew me only as an agreeable person, always open for helping others, couldn't accept when I said no, or when I just a little changed my ways of helping them. They get so angry, become annoying, rude and sometimes violent. It was very odd for me, but I've learned. Better lose a friend who doesn't want good for you, than lose yourself trying to be a good friend to everyone. They want what they want, they will get it no matter what, because they're not here for communication, but for making orders - nicely packed with words please and thank you. Strange but I guess that's life
Love this. I am very much a people pleaser and fear confrontation. Great tips, I’m going to look inward next time I am faced with a situation that tests my boundaries. Thank you Stephanie 💗
Mostly women feel guilty to say no due to their compassionate caring nature.
Hence most end up with abusive creepy "partners".
And don't fool yourself to think its gonna get better after some time!
It took me a while to learn how to set boundaries. I actually cut ties with a very close friend recently due to this. Do you have a video that explains how you interact with this person in the future? We don’t work together but there will be times that we bump into each other.
Pam O'Donnell i did the same
Same ! It’ll be a while before we speak again though.
Hilarious....I am the queen of over explaining LOL! I'm getting over myself.....finally!
I find it so difficult to set boundaries. I grew up not knowing this. I thought that its okey for other people to push me around to do what they want because it is what i saw, lived and experienced with my mother. My mother does not accept "no" for an answer for the things she want me to do and everytime i would say "no" she would be in rage at me, judge me, criticize me, minimize me, insult me,or punish me by ignoring and not talking to me for weeks. So early on i get used to saying "yes" automatically to her though it hurts me so terribly. Now as an adult i find myself so drained and hurt many times because i don't know and have boundaries. It is such dark painful path to be in. I want to thank you wholeheartedly for sharing your knowledge and insights about this. You shed light and guidance into my life right now.♥️
Same here. First I have to learn how to be and stay in touch with myself, my needs, my feelings, my boundaries while being in contact with somebody else (except my boyfriend). No longer dissociate, leave myself and trying to melt with the other person, anticipate what this person needs, feels and meet their expectations. Only because I fear that rage, isolation and punishment like from my mother (malignant narcissist) even though I went no contact 9 years ago. Working on overcoming combined personality disorder since decades. Even with therapists I'm afraid to speak my truth, to say what I need and what not etc. Writing helps me when I'm not able to verbalize it to the other person. When I'm alone, after a meeting, I can quickly feel what I missed to say, what I didn't feel in the moment due to emotional flashbacks. We can heal. For sure!
Sabrina Marie Castro Its so difficult if you were brought up with a narc mum, I’ve been no contact with mine for two years. If you read Fall & Fall Good by Kit Avocet this deals with exactly what you’re talking about. It’s a true story about a mother daughter narcissist relationship and very enlightening.
@@eleanorde-hayes7760 author and book name seem to be wrong. No search results. Very interested in that book too. Thank you.
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1077357990/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_TecoDbSKS2TMF...(link to book.)
@@eleanorde-hayes7760 Bolt21 D Truth hurts. I realized now that the person who deprived me of my emotional needs is my mother. I eventually felt so drained, hungry and thirsty for love. I looked that so desperately outside of my family only to have ended up marrying a man and having three children with who is just like her in many ways. He does not truly love and accept me for who i am and abused me emotionally and physically. I was lost and my life have been a total mess because i do not know i have a self and have not love the self. I am starting to self heal myself right now which is so hard to do. I am so glad i found channels like this and beautiful people herewith who can relate to each other because i found answers to why i am the way i am today. Thank you and i will find time to look and read the book you cited.
Important to NOT explain yourself. Always say "no." Say, I have a lot on, I will get back to you by 6pm if I can help, otherwise you know I can't. Oprah learned to say "no." She said these Users will just go ask someone else. Users don't care. They know it's a numbers game. Just no. Then if you turn around and say yes, they might even appreciate your efforts!
Do you just say “no”?
I feel i wasted most of my life on adar’s peoples needs, never met my own. Thank you for this video
Same here
I love the way you broke
down the child
sharing their
toy. TY
I feel like the Universe wants us to put ourselves first because we can’t pour from an empty cup.
What universe there is only God
What do you mean the universe? Lol
I set boundaries with a friend who , for 4 years avoided paying multiple tickets .... she refused to acknowledge/address the issue until the state came after her bank account...she implied that she needed money, but never fully asked (even though I knew she was asking)...when I asked her, "What are you going to do?" She cut me off.. and then stated to the world, "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Yea...bc that's what I'm good for...solving her damn problems she could have addressed for 4 years - but refused....not sure what she thought was going to happen eventually.
I'm so over people playing the victim. If you're old enough to have children and pay the rent.. you're old enough to deal with the pitfalls of money as well.
it's so disappointing when family members you have done so much for and thought cared for you....can turn around and act like you are the problem when you set boundaries and say no. So sad.
Yes, because sometimes boundaries uncomfort people around u, especially the narcs, cause they no longer can take from u as much as the could. Boundaries in a person actually changes a lot in other's people dynamics too, especially when it comes to family.
Thank you SO MUCH for all the amazing information you give to us for free. It's priceless and I really need to hear so many of the messages you spread. Plus, you're amazing at breaking things down so that it's understandable and simple to process and apply. Grateful for your channel, Stephanie. I hope to get one on one coaching with you someday , I feel like it would be life changing.
Boundaries has been one of my big issues. I know I should keep them, and I plan to keep them, yet I fail to stick to the plan. I think it has something to do with forgetting to work on myself and working for the other person instead of working together. I think it should be made clear at the beginnings of the relationship that this is a team game not a solo sport. That way theres no confusion for you leaving or putting in less effort to help than before. You get what you put in you know. Thanks for the video!
Amen
Don't over think it, just do it
Some people need to learn how to be better friends too and don’t mean to be toxic. So it’s important we teach people how to act healthy and remain consistent in this teaching.
Excellent advice Stephanie..will follow this from today
New subscriber. Found you right after I came home from a family funeral. I am saying no but I put so much pressure on myself after. And finding your channel was a blessing.🙏
Great video! Can you do one on narcissist blame shifting?
It's called gaslighting. She has done videos on this.
Yes , boundaries are a must. They are for independence. Alot of people are saying Narcissism is here to stay. Not with boundaries. No no no. Empaths can only tolerate so much bull. Its cool for rock songs but we should keep our villains on stage , not in society.
Someone told me exactly what you said today about asking myself questions and checking into myself. Note taken, universe. lol. thanks for this helpful video!
A little serendipity for you 😉
A huge thank you so much for your help. Honestly, watching your videos gives me strength to serve myself. Thank you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Excellent! I didn't learn this until my daughter died almost 20 years ago. I'm over 50 years old now. I've educated my living kids on this topic as I found this knowledge crucial to navigating through life successfully. Thank you for your wisdom. ~Sage
My biggest problem with saying « no » is my fear of appearing boring and uptight. The story I tell myself is that I’m « happy go lucky » and « relaxed ». But people have taken advantage of me, and I’m starting to tire. Starting to say « no » quicker. It feels much better.
If your fear causes you to sabotage your own boundaries and needs...the fear needs to be addressed at the root level. The core wounds and narratives need to be healed and challenged. Then you won’t fall into being bound by fear of what you appear like to anyone else..you instead get to be congruent with what you want and need.
Hope it’s going well for you!
I no longer care what people think when I say “no”. I know the “yes” to me is worth it & I’m supporting myself.
Hi Stephanie - great video as usual! I’m going to watch it a couple more times to let it sink in. One thing I would like to mention about boundaries is that it might not always be a case of saying no to a request. For example I feel drained when my Nan constantly talks at me about some awful incident on the news (this happens multiple times a day), but she doesn’t first ask me can I tell you a story? So there is not an opportunity to say no. Does that make sense? What can we do to say no when there isn’t a question? Like if someone does something we don’t like.
Simply say in assertive tone that plz don't do it .it's hurting me or I don't like it when you do this
I am preparing to say "no" and to set boundaries [I hope it's never late],because l am tired of saying "yes""yes l will". Thanks for this video👏
Gosh I love the delivery of your message. I’ve been learning to set boundaries and it’s making a huge difference
This is an intricate web of ideas. A book I read was similarly complex yet rewarding. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
I tried setting boundaries with my relatives as a result I was given a silent treatment for 3 months now.
When I say no, everyone want's to know why I'm saying no. They demand a reason. Treats me like I have no reason to say no. Since I have time during the day, I should have time to do anything, anytime for others. Then they work on making you feel guilty for saying no. I'm not in my Narcissist, sociopath, manipulating, alcoholic, relationship any more. I am healing.
Two things I to radically accept.
1. No matter how much you do, some people will still not like you. So what the heck! I have got very comfortable with people not liking me.
2. I'm not Jesus, can't save everyone
Bonus: if I feel like doing something for someone will make me resentful later...
What about people who won’t take no for an answer. Like men asking for your number. You say no. They continue asking. Now if you get more stern with your no, and you don’t know this guy, you now, as a woman, may be putting yourself in an uncomfortable and even dangerous situation that you didn’t ask for, with a man you don’t know, who may have such a fragile ego that he cannot emotionally process a stern rejection. I do think people make you feel guilty for not complying, for not wanting to do something. I don’t understand why people can’t just take the no because it’s a no! I don’t need an excuse, I can just say no because I just don’t want to and that’s it. Respect it. What really gets me is that if there’s any hesitancy, any uncertainty or insecurity in your voice, men will smell it and use it as ammo to continue pushing themselves on you. Our “no” isn’t respected! It’s like I have to be LASER DIRECT to the point of being mean and publicly embarrassing the person so that there’s absolutely no misunderstanding that you’re not interested.
Watching this one again as it’s SO hard for me to do. When I was interacting with my mum and said no the rage, abuse and guilt/shame that was thrown at me it was easier to give in and stop the abuse than to stick to my boundary. But watching your videos, Stephanie I reaffirm that I say no and then step away even if my brain is being totally mushed and the frustration/rage inside of me is huge, but I take it away to deal with. SUCH a hard journey this one. Grey rock is ok now, after therapy, but saying no to my mum is still the hardest thing to do because of the rage and abuse that follows,
It's information like this that is helping me learn to be better to me,and learn to do what's best for me, and not be a people pleasing person, especially for the reason to be liked or fear someone being mad at me.That's it's ok to put me first. Thank you Stephanie for presenting this information in a very " down to earth" manner,and the examples you present to make it usable in real life. Looking forward to your next video presentation. Be well, and take care.
My 5 year old always says you don't love me if I don't do anything.
I'm so tired of it. It reminds me of characteristics of narcissistic traits and I don't know how to deal with it. I end up getting so frustrated I become bitter. I feel like just giving up and letting her dad parent her but she's only 5 and I know she's my responsibility too
Microphone volume please! Wonderful channel - boundaries are life saving!!!! Thank you for bring it up 🙏💖
How to know the difference between someone setting boundaries or someone selfish? How we consider and behave the difference between both of them for us as well?
Well in my opinion if you set a boundary and it serves you in a healthy way, then that’s not selfish.It’s putting your needs above all others..and that’s not selfish,it’s self care.
This actually helped me a lot. I put myself in a position of someone getting angry at a friend refusing a favour, and it was just a big eye opener- I felt like a jerk. So now I know if someone gets angry from me refusing to do something, that person is probably a jerk that doesn't respect me or others.
Excellent A+ Message👍❤😇
Thanks so much. I really needed this. ❤️
Perfect video! I just started setting boundaries and people aren’t liking it lol! And guess what? I don’t care! I’m finally taking care of ME, for the first time in my life and it feels AMAZING! You have pretty eyes btw!
Coming to my house unannounced
Expecting we are going to "hang out" every single week.....🙄
Is it bad to set boundaries? My “SO” always txts me late at night with her problems but can never tell me directly to my face what is bothering her. It than makes me unable to sleep at night.
I’ve asked her to stop but she keeps doing it over and over and over
Block her
I cannot believe what you are saying right now!
WOW that child sharing example
I am such a people pleaser and I am working on changing it. Thank you I will definitely be reacting to my toddler differently with that.
I absolutely loved your video! You have such great insights and information, and you touch so many people with your wisdom. I wish self-care and self-love was taught to us in school. I think setting boundaries is specifically hard for empaths because they are so good at putting themselves in someone elses shoes that they overlook their own needs and wants and desires at times in order to make sure someone else is taken care of. But as you said, we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of the people we love. Having no emotional boundaries depletes us over time, and it does a huge disservice to our well-being and happiness.
You have helped me so much- am so happy people are finding this community- really great for all of us thanks!
It's like you know me inside out! :-) Everday a video comes up and I can relate to it so much, things I can work on in therapy. Thanks and love from the UK :-) x
Thank you so much for this video. You're really genuine, sincere and sweet.
I needed this.. I’ve been saying yes to my adoptive family for her conditional acceptance my whole life to the point I said yes to overtime 1.5 years to my fiancé’s family’s business… the last 3 months I’ve felt resentment towards him and then because I was the only one that worked overtime just to be left back on the line while they can work remote… it’s hard and I’m tired of breaking my back to not get the help (pay) or support (team becuase they let go of more people while upping production).
UGHHH. Learning every day to be a new person that doesn’t need to over explain the simple things.
“I can’t and I’m not sorry about it”
this is such complete wisdom. It took me years to get to the point of understanding and really getting what your talking about . I'm thankful that I am seeing myself manifest some of these qualities and am a much happier person because of it. Thankyou Stephanie
Excellent video Stephanie on boundaries. Fear seems to be a big factor in facing this issue. I told a narcissist this: I’m not an astronomer but I am pretty sure the earth revolves around the sun and not you. And that was right after I told them I would call a priest for an exorcism!
Thank you for this video. You are so gentle and validating. Your insight is so relatable. I feel more confident and understanding of myself after watching this. Thank you!
I think it's awesome you brought up how most parents handle sharing with kids, if the toy belongs to my daughter and she's actively playing with it, it's up to her whether or not she wants to share that toy with another kid.
Almost Everyone around us;needs to put in BOUNDARIES;since sometimes people mistake Kindness for Weakness and Oportunism takes place.Happy Holidays 2020-2021
Truly..dont know what I'd do without you 🙏 amazing video, boundaries is something I'm working on at the moment..you couldn't have timed it better. So grateful for everything you do 🙏🌈♥️
I watched “How to Avoid Manipulation” first and then came to this video.
How do you prevent setting boundaries and standing your ground from seeming as if it is a manipulation tactic or a narcissistic behavior?
Being A confident and self loving person versus someone exhibiting narcissistic behavior? I feel like it is a thin line for the other person and how they are perceiving you.
BUDDHA DA OPEN PALM!!! JESUS OPENED HIS PALM FOR DA NAIL!!! BODHISATTVA!!! LAY IT DOWN FOLKS!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve never been good at setting boundaries. I’m a people pleaser and I let people stomp all over me. As a result I’m angry and resentful a lot of the time because I feel like I’m always doing whatever everyone else wants and never what I want.
I’ve had a friend and her son living with me for over a year and a half. I offered to help her when she was getting out of a bad marriage, and I never anticipated she’d be living with me this long. I want her out. She has no intentions of leaving and I’m too afraid to tell her because she and her son have nowhere else to go and she can’t afford to live on her own. I’m afraid of ruining the friendship, but having her in my space is ruining my and my kids’ lives. How do I make a boundary so I can get my life and my space back?
Who is right, here...and who is wrong? You, get to decide. What makes you think so?
Here is the test-question: in the scenario below, is the person who owns the car a Narcissist? Are they going to far with Boundaries, OR--
are they simply being gaslighted by the passenger into thinking they are one?
Is the owner of this car within their rights and do they have the right to stand firm against all the "arguments and reasons" shown below? If you think: No...is it because YOU would not stand as firm in this situation? Why wouldn't you?
What if the passenger in the car with you is someone who usually always tries to "run everything" and seriously needs a Boundary? Here goes:
A family member is riding with you in your car and you have the radio or a music CD on while driving. Its music you really like, but they say the music sucks and to turn it off. Also, this particular person often tries to "run everything". Here is likely how they would try to manipulate you:
Them: Gawd, that music sucks. Shut it off.
Me: I like it --and this is my car.
Them: But I'm a "captive audience".
Me: That's the chance you take. NO ONE forced you to ride with me! And its my car. I ALWAYS have Music on. I don't need permission. Its my car. Would you tell me what TV channel to have on if you were in my house? Would i tell you, in your house? Your house, your rules, right? Well, this is my Car.
Them: Well, iiiii wouldn't do things like that. I'd shut if off it you were in my car."
Me: Maybe. But you would be within your rights either way. But even if you would: YOUR-CHOICES-DON'T-OBLIGATE-ME!
Them: well, you could have a little more consideration.
Me: iiiii could? That's rich. TWO replies to that:
#1. who is on who's "turf" here?
When iiii'm the passenger, or a visitor at someone else's place, I do things their way.
By the same token, they, or you, can show "consideration" and respect by doing the same for me! "Whatever's Fair". And also:
#2. What would I do if you weren't even here?
I'd enjoy the exact same music.
I'd play it anyway. The same behavior.
So what's different?
Also, why should I diminish my enjoyment any less, or stop being me, or inhibit myself, just because you are here?
Them: That sounds selfish. 15 minutes without your music wouldn't kill you.
Me: And 15 minutes of hearing it won't kill you, either.
I am totally within my rights when it's in my house, on my property or in my car. Just like you are.
Them: Gawd, I hate driving with you.
Me: I can stop the car. You are free to go. No one ever forced you at all.
Comment: There! That should cover their most likely objections and arguments. One more thing---
suppose i did give them their way on this bit with the radio.
How soon would it be before they found 6 other ways and situations for me (or you) to be more "considerate" ?
You get to be "courteous" but they will never admit to trying to be "manipulative", ON YOUR TURF, will they? If all they have to worry about is when they are in your car, in your house or on your property, they don't have it bad at all. (end) Questions below:
Well? What do you think? Did the owner of the car go to far? Exactly why do you think so? Is it because YOU wouldn't have the courage to stand-up like that? What other reason?
Or, did he/she defend his/her reasons quite well and deserves praise for maintaining their own personal boundaries and not wimping-out? Any thoughts?
I don't need to be sick I need security first because everything is going to be more like a big move fast I think you'll be dry tomorrow secure tomorrow or tomorrow Wednesday Friday Jamaica xq
Thank You Thank You Thank You 🙏🏼❤️ on my journey to unlearning codependency and learning to set boundaries xx much appreciated
for me I would be manipulated into doing things for people, to have someone to spend time with. they leave me and only come around to get me to do something for them, money or work .like with older people.
🙋🏽♀️ empath, HSP, co dependent, healer and nurse. Totally, exhausted, compassion fatigued, burnt out,
Never feeling loved or loving myself has pushed me into a corner and I’m fighting for myself, my self love and it’s a lot of NO’s and a lot of self love going on…
Not sure what I will do for work with my nursing degree in the future but right now…it’s finally all about me, my health and well-being.
I’m having it very hard to help selfish, mean, demanding, over baring, no boundary having supervisors, patients and families…
Most the ppl we treat caused it on themselves, they drain the life out of ppl around them at times then their folks attack the nurse because they can get away with it…a nurse is always wrong
It’s a horrible day to be a loving caring person/nurse when ppl take advantage at every turn. The stress keeps the body and spirit under water.
I got this! It will all work out for good, since 1997 I put myself on the line for others.
And from 1970, I’ve been a no boundaries having daughter to a narcissist mother…
And am well over it. 🤭
1. People pleasing for love and approval
- Be a giving and loving person
- Fill ourselves up
Feed yourseld.
2. Self Care
- Give to yourself
- Ask yourself
- Balance
3. Set boundaries
- Pull the weight
- Help and exhausted or resentful
- Seeking validation
- Be a good person
- No shame or guilt
- Don't be codependent
- Stop them from learning the lesson they need to learn
- Stop saying yes all the time, start saying No
4. Take care of you first
Is it good for me?
Should I do this now?
5. Say No without explanation
- Validation
- Seek respect
- avoid guilt and pusher
- Narcissistic person
Respect me for saying no
Rested, feel good and do things for the right reasons
Stop over explaining
Ask yourself why?
Don't be guilty
Respect the answer no
No manipulation
No harmful tactics
Teach people how to treat you
Avoid people that bully or try to take advantage
No reason to overlook the explanation
No reason to avoid the situation
When we were all children the first word we ever learnt was "no" and when we said no we meant "no!" So it's... "No, I will not brush my teeth, No I don't want that. No, give it." So I think we were always born with a backbone. It's like as your example at the start a young boy or girl is playing with a toy and suddenly he or she's forced to share because adults deam it appropriate to do. It's probably because they want to get on with other Mom's in the play ground or look good saying to share it. If that's his only toy he's playing with how's he supposed to share it? He can't cut the toy in half. It's adults who meddle in.
Say if I say to my Mom no I can't get to the shops today to pick up some stamps. I will do that tomorrow for you. Suddenly after that quick text she phones and says why can't you? It would only take two seconds. Say I'm meeting a friend and I'm trying to get my house vacummed and then it's "right okay, I'll ask your sister she makes the effort for me."
So suddenly your shamed into doing it. Because you're now compared with your sibling and if she gets it, she's much better than you.
Or if Mom rings me up telling me she's taking me out gives me no warning and says she's taking me out to buy shoes and I've forward planned to go out with one of my friends, there's no checking to see if it's alright, or would I be avaliable, and now it's inconvenient for her and she'll go just ring your friend back and arrange to do something on a diffrent day. This is more important you need shoes. I may start saying no mom, I've made plans and I don't like cancelling on others. I usually manage to get my way but not before she tries to make me feel guilty. It will be like. "Oh, so you're not bothered then? Don't worry."
So then it's motivated through guilt.
Sometimes my Dad will message or call me without checking if somethings alright and it's "I will be up up at eleven be ready" and I will either make noises across the phone like it's not really convenient for me but I'll try or I'll look at the message and I'll see it, and I think like well, you can come if that's what your doing but I won't be ready at eleven and sometimes I've actually rang him knowing I've just had a shower and it's going to take me ages to dry my hair and I have to be in the house to take out a washing load, next thing I know he's speaking to Mom like "She's," he'll say. "Katie's decided to put washing load on." Mom will seccond it and both will go on like I'm stupid and they'll come back on and go why would you put a washing load on this is very inconvenient for us because we have to go to your Nans and do a food shop. We shouldn't have to arrange our plans for you.
This is what I'm sure we've all had to experience with bossy domenering parents do. Even my sister does this. I will pick you up at ten. I might be a bit late so can you try to be on time? Like she's reminding me I can't be helpful enough to people picking me up. Again I look at my phone and go. You cheeky squirt, but she will usually tell me a time so I've got that in my head but what she will do which I find is annoying is she'll start talking to me about doing something and so I know I'm doing something with her but instead of following it up and actually saying to me herself she's either running late because of the kids what she'll do is phone our Mom, get Mom to phone me and tell me something she could have easily picked up the phone and told me. She dealt with me first, she had that time to make a phonecall just not me. If I dare mention it to Mom it's well, she wanted a favour so she thought to ring me and get me to pass the message on but to me that doesn't involve her. If I'm dealing with someone I don't want to hear it from another member of the family.
My Dad can be thoughtful sometimes and tell me the night before and then the next day I'll get the running commentary off my Mom, be on time, your Fathers got the dentist today and if you make him late he won't do you a favour again. So, sometimes I catch taxis to prove a point, because they try and make me feel guilty like I can't run my own life, that I need them. My husband and I have talked about this what
YOU NEED ME
means is. Translation
I NEED YOU MORE THAN YOU NEED ME.
I made the mistake of not setting any boundaries with my boyfriend because I'm highly codependent. He moved in right away, paid zero rent and offered basically zero help for 4 years! He also refuses to follow house rules I have set and his actions directly affect me and my ability to live in my apartment building. He uses my insecurities and abandonment issues to control me. When I try to confront him over money or his smoking inside the apartment, he'll immediately tell me he should move out or that I'm too controlling, or I'm being ridiculous. He'll tell me he feels like he's in a prison and I'm his warden. He'll immediately get defensive in a similar way my father use to when I was a child or storm out of the house even over little things like me expressing I'm upset. This shuts me down right away and he knows it! How do you set boundaries with someone who you have never before, live with and scares the crap out of you? I'd prefer him to leave but I feel 100% responsible for him almost like I'm his mother.
Shawna Springall call him on his bluff of leaving. LSS you need to dump him. He’s a mooch
Why would you want to live your life with this person, open your eyes girl, listen to this video, your strong, smart, and tougher than you think, he is a free loader, get rid of him NOW!
I am so grateful for this video. It helped me realise how my BF overreacted when I said no for the first time, she made me feel guilty, blew up at me, was rather manipulative and condescending and then ended our 37 year friendship without any closure.. All I was trying to do was regulate myself before I can be there for her as I was also going through something. I apologised afterwards and seeked closure but all I got back was twisted sarcastic responses… this video and many of your other videos have been so helpful and validating. I feel like my head is spinning 😵💫 and you start to question your own reality… however I realised I was dealing with an immature person, toxic and potentially narcissistic… it was always about her…
My mom has a hard time saying no. Sometimes she tries to get me to return items over in shops and I don't mind, but she'll say,
"tell them it was very big on me, or the shoes didn't fit"
and give me an explanation as to why she's returning them. I'll do it for her and then she'll ask me did I say the shoes didn't fit because of...
Or did I say the top wasn't what she expected it to be - and I'll just say what I said, I'd like to return this please. She's then said, the shoe lady or the lady at the store was very helpful, you could have put their backs up.
But, when I ask for anything like I pick up the phone and actually ask her (rather than her unsolicited help) and she's busy, she'll say why? Why do you have to do that now? You can reschedule your appointment. What did you make it that time for? I'm really busy can't you do that tomorrow? does that have to be now? tell your friend you'll see her another day, don't let her dictate to you when to see her!!
I asked my Dad once, normally he's very good but he once said after I asked for a lift
"with your sisters kids I can't leave your Mom alone for a minute,"
whereas he's gone out before to the shops so I feel like he's being an idiot and I'm a big inconvenience, so I don't bother asking, and do things off my own bat, rather than ringing, ill order a cab or ask someone else yet she'll also say
"why'd you call a taxi for your Father would have taken you. Or, I told you to make the appointment for another day, it's just to do your eyebrows it's not like it's the dentist, something thats important. That was a waste of money calling for your cab. You didn't have to do that right then."
So I don't tell her some stuff I don't even give her an explanation but if my sister calls and says
"I've an appointment to tint my lashes could you look after my kids"
they'll do that but usually I'm the one who's either selfish or I wait for everyone to be busy apparently and then ask.
213 do you got practice or you need security to ask a question no that's a practice take forever okay take forever that's I think it's better for practice because take forever day is going what's the date today October is very pleasant November 8th pass play today
If they loved me they wouldn’t use those tactics- whew
I’ve also stopped apologizing when saying no. I simply say “no I can’t” or “let me think about it and get back with you” and then I say “no”. No apology, no explanation. Just no.
This video is amazing! My mom basically taught me to make up reasons or lies of why I couldn't do something for someone. Now I realize I didn't need a freaking reason! I could just say no. If someone has a problem with what you do or don't do for them, then that is just a testament to their character.
I’m gonna be a little harsh here, but I did not find this video useful. The discussion was too vague. Give us some concrete examples of boundary setting. Give us some examples of boundaries you’ve actually set or that people you know have set. Don’t just talk about when or where you could set one. 👎🏽
Have them tell you something I've been thinking need to bring a security place I think you got to be moved quick I think that's good friends or not bad choice when
Thank you 🙏 glad I found your channel & videos you have no idea how much your videos has helped me. Take care.
Wow! This is so good. Stephanie I just want to let you know you explain things so well and it’s so easy to understand. Every time I watch your videos I have an aha! moment and the light Bulb comes on. It’s like I woke up. Thank you so so much for waking me out of my sleep. I know it’s going to be a journey but I feel empowered!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️