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Healthy Way to Start A Boundary - The Stuff We Are Not Taught!
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- Опубликовано: 13 авг 2024
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#mentalhealth #stephanielyncoaching #narcissisticabuse #emotionalabuse #selflove
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I started cleaning house after divorcing a narc husband. My self confidence soared after that and I ceased contact with 'friends' who I realised were just the same, who would use me and then ignore me. The same with family. It's been a four year journey, but I am now at peace and do not allow people like that into my life any longer. I felt very guilty at first, but now I know that my actions were right.
angh642 absolutely!! 💗
angh642 your awrsome
angh642 I am the same. Got away from my long time narc boyfriend for 3 years already.. I was surprised to know lots of my friends by that times were just like him, using me and ignored me, said cruel things to me whenever they pleased.. I'm totally free from those type of people now.. feel so good
Doing this RIGHT NOW. AMAZING PROCESS.
Did you find new friends
Setting boundaries might be the most foundational act of self-love there is. And I concur that this should be taught in schools, too!
Courtney Johnston I absolutely agree!
I agree. And, thanks..
I agree!
So true!
Self love is important for everyone its postive way and it's not narrastic either way and there ignorant people they want attention they can't stand to be with someone else lol lmaf. Awww did wrong things first and then talking about it they want a reaction from Maria mistretta and she don't give a shit about it either way of their manipulation she said no to bullies abusers behavior and doesn't torolate it for real life relationship not stress or anxiety or something like that either way but they don't have time for childish behavior ingore them and they just saying that online dating sites are untrustable because they really are immature people online who are not cool either way. So dont believe in herself and she is enough.
When i was setting boundaries with my ex husband he said, "your being all about you you you. Why does every single thing have to go your way?" I replied, "if you want to communicate with me, there is behavior i will accept and behavior i won't tolerate. If you cant meet my standards then you cant communicate with me period. I have healthy boundaries." He interrupts and yells "what about MY boundaries."
I responded so effortlessly that it boosted my self confidence. I said, "i called you to talk. So you are gonna need to listen or i am gonna just hang up. I refuse to argue. And after im done telling you my boundaries, you can tell me yours." Needless to say...he forgot to tell me about his "healthy boundaries" because it was only him trying to manipulate me in the first place. Lol!!!
i wish to one day have your strength peace and power to you soul sister!
It feels sooo good to take your power back 💗
Cheers 👍
Thank you for posting this.
Your ex husband was and is a loser - much respect to you, Christine!
Your words brought me to tears. I'm 40yrs old and lots of my family blamed me for tearing the family apart for speaking out on an uncle molesting me. And just now I know that I should of had boundaries
Being molested or any kind of sexual or child abuse - the responsibility of those behaviours are in the hands if the abuser. The child being abused is innocent - even if he or she did not say "no" the abuser it does not make the victim responsible for the actions if the abuser in anyway. In fact the power and control is in the hands of the abuser.
Elvie Zamora congratulations on making such a powerful and hard decision 🌺🌻🌸🌿🌞
You’re not missing out. The family members choose to protect the abuser. You’re gaining healthy outcomes after leaving
So sorry this happened to you x I pray that God carries you and brings you peace
U made right decision. Ur family should be ashamed 🤗
Your video should be featured in high schools across the globe. Can you imagine the *positive impact* and life changing awareness students will have once they begin to value themselves without social pressures? If I were you I would petition this video to be featured in schools with the school board of Education. Yoir work deserves an A+ *PEACE* David
illudin eye Thank you so much for such an amazing comment! I am definitely headed in that direction. I do think it’s so important to teach kids all of this stuff as young and as early as you possibly can.
Stephanie Lyn Coaching, You're very welcome. Idk if you studied psychology or if you personally endured a narcissistic relationship, either way your articulate voice and professional presence is *on point*. I seriously hope you go that route; with teens AFTER being removed (CPS) from their toxic environment. Your work must echo in the minds hurting the most. Yes, you make a strong point, I cannot stress that enough, either. *God bless you!!!*
illudin eye I so agree that children should be taught this as early as possible! What a gift that they can use forever ! Happy kids grow into happy adults!
Absolutely right on, illudin eye! Such a great post that I don't need to add anything :-) My doTERRA teacher introduced me to you this afternoon, Stephanie Lyn. At the right point in my journey and learnings. I look forward to more from you! Thank you!
+Stephanie Lyn Coaching Thank you for teaching me so much.
Beautiful video. A brief summary:
1. Name (define, write down,...) your own boundaries that come out of unconditional self-love. Never back down from them for anybody!
2. Cut people out of your life completely who had violated or are repeatedly violating those boundaries. No compromises.
3. Keep and surround yourself with decent, self-loving people who had never violated any of your boundaries to begin with and don't ever feel the need to.
4. Experience pure bliss of a happy life without miserable, evil, selfish, mean, energy- & joy-sucking, sad, unhappy psychos and narcissists!
Couldn't have said it better 😣🤔
Excellent summary
Thks a lot
oh my never thought about it like this, but should have years ago , thanks
How do you cut your old narc mother who dedicated her life to establishing her angelic public image? People and family including my daughters and grand children would not understand it..
Lol..I love your #4 ! That is exactly how I feel..ty for voicing it!!!❤❤❤
I am 58 years old and I feel like a child in Kindergarten, ‘getting’ this for the very first time. You make it sound so easy... And how I appreciate the anecdotes, the specific examples and the step-by-step ‘how to’ tips. I feel like weeping. For the first time in my life, I know what my biggest issue is (setting boundaries) and I have a clear plan for getting healthy. It’s going to take me some time to even figure out what my boundaries ARE but I am ready to love myself enough to put in the work to get healthy. God bless you for sharing this. It almost feels like you are right here in my living room...🙏💕
Im right there with you
How are you doing? 2 years on
When I started enforcing my boundaries, usually people become extremely vindictive. Another great video, you are on point! Thanks.
Michele J The abusive unhealthy people are usually very angry and start setting boundaries… Anyone that’s healthy will respect them.
Constantly breaking anyones boundaries also cause anger ,sadness as SL described.. so works both way..that's why I'm always respecting another person boundary as well as I expect for mine to be..and vindictive behavior can be caused from many reasons, injustice or simple jealousy ,that works both way too...relationships are both way street I hear this a lot..so life is also.
Yes,
Prepare for people not wanting you to change for the better. They don't want you getting stronger and happier. They show their true colors and it makes it easier to stand firm for ourselves 👍
That is maybe because they're not used to it. However, there is a *very* important point missing in this video and that is: you need to set boundaries that respect yourself but *also* respect the boundaries of others! This is a given because otherwise you're just a selfish d***head... The people who are still vindictive then are to be dismissed imediately. But most people will actually respect it back.
When i forced a boundarie , i had a backlash,and she is not a part of my life anymore.
I stood my ground big time. And it was through messenger. It went very well.
It all started with i came to understand i had to improve my selfworth and love. Then the bounderies came naturally.
Athena K. When you tell it like it is backlash is a part of it for sure.
Boundaries materialize out of feelings. Thoughts cause feelings. Fix your thoughts and you will have better boundaries.
@Claudia Vlahović Makes* sense
People that are insecure will take your achievements and make you feel youve done wrong . They dont have the power of the will you have.
Yes true, they say you did not deserve what you have achieved on your own. But never had the same problems.
Had to let my sister go. Long story as to why. What is helpful is that I began thinking of many interactions we had had before, that I let pass. Things finally came to such a head that I had to let her know that her treatment of me was unacceptable. I have felt much calmer and freer. I realize now, that she thrives on drama. I don't anymore. But it is a process.
hope46sf It absolutely is a process and you are incredibly brave for doing what is best for you.. the funny part is if you can learn to state how you feel and set your boundaries you certainly will live a peaceful and drama free life. It is just taking the important self-care step to put your own happiness first. Good job!
hope46sf good for you... been there.
Something I don’t think we realize is that setting boundaries early on in relationships can even keep an abuser from being made. Your sister, for example, if she had been put in her place when the abuse started, probably in your childhood, she probably wouldn’t have become so abusive in her adult life. I am sorry you had to let her go. Even with the relief of less drama, I’m sure there is still a sense of loss on your part. I have family members that I don’t have anything to do with either because they are too triggering for me and there isn’t a healthy level of communication setting and receiving boundaries.
It's like you are saying the words in my head lol. What woke me up was watching my sister treat my two year old as she would treat me. I still sometimes feel so guilty and just sad that I'm not talking to her, but then I remember so, so many experiences, and the guilt and sadness slowly disappear and I'm left with that "knowing in my body" that going back there is a ridiculous idea. We got this 😀
Same, I cut my brother out. But another reply was correct in saying early intervention would have put a stop to it. Obvious esp when u see the same person respecting someone ELSE'S boundaries just fine. So they are just reacting, its like they have an abusive gene and we trigger them, like a shark around blood in the water. So the solution isnt to beat up the bleeding person (i was a kid who didnt know how to stand up for herself, wasnt my job to teach an older sibling how to not be an abuser) the answer is to get the hell out of the water.
Where Im cobflicted now, and tempted to reengage, is I tried to set boundaries without being explicit and verbally advocating for myself. So for 1.) sake of fairness, inform him clearly, so he knows the rules before giving him pass or fail grade and more importsntly 2.) i think it is important for my self love and esteem to stand up for me.
I am held back by fear. when i last demonstrated boundaries, his reaction was the worst, i am HSP and i just felt gutted. idk i hate that he triggers so much anxiety, i want to be brave for me, and if he is open to change maybe saving frienship. Im torn. People dont change?
Age 69, and I learned about boundaries; how vital they are and how good they feel, and how they make life worthwhile FINALLY after all this time!
Choosing, setting, and maintaining/enforcing BOUNDARIES finally let me live an effective and enjoyable life! I'm grateful that I decided to give it a shot: Life's really great lived this way!
I am down to 2 close people in my life. And a few left in other states on the phone or online. I was able to let go on my own before finding your video . I was going through a horrible time and found out who my friends were and who in my "family" actually cared. So I ditched approximately 15 people. I realized that I may wind up alone but I would not be mistreated or used or lied to or deal with games anymore. I still have one who kinda messes with me but I'm working on that. I realized I have no need to allow abuse and disrespect just to have a fake friend. I'm starting to care more about myself and my life. I have Christ and some people and pets and though I am often lonely , it's getting better. I had boundaries as a teen. But then had a big trauma and lost them . But I'm getting better! Thank you for your videos that I just found tonight.
You are smart, brave and strong!!! Stay on the healthy path you are on now and your future is very bright friend🌼Invite only those people to your party who want to celebrate the best you!! We do not need anyone in our lives to cause us any drama, chaos or abuse!! Study, learn, love yourself and you will find true happiness and peace🌸All of the best of everything I hope for you🙏Take good care friend🌈
Look up Melanie Evans she is amazing...and keep reading your Bible...you will never feel alone when you have Christ
Wow this sounds like my life
I also have 2 close people in my life, altho we all lack boundaries..... So that's definitely a major issue we have to work on ourselves Dx
And yeah, I've discovered my "family" are just relatives, I'm not close with any of them and they don't care to talk or get to know me really so 🤷🏼♂️
Rn I just consider my mom and two friends as family. But I have no healthy relationships with anyone....
The loneliness is a major killer, but I'm glad you're doing better! That's cool you're focusing on yourself and respecting your own boundaries that you won't let anyone disrespect or violate them. I'm currently struggling on that path rn on figuring out boundaries and establishing them, but at least the journey is getting started.
Your comment brings hope to ppl, thank you for sharing. ❤️
Setting boundaries (and enforcing them!) is something that for me, a 66 year-old man who has gone this far in his life as a people-pleasing co-dependent, is new and Needed. What you said about the individual and people in his or her life described me. This will be a gradual but steady process on my part. What's done is past and done, but I have ghe rest of my life to look forward to. Thank you for your advice.
Kim Kalar
Love to see someone your age learning and improving yourself. Im 27 male but i feel trapped in my own mind because im a people pleaser and everyone keeps taking advantage of me
Oh, sheesh, you are 10 times better than a therapist. Without even asking the question, you amazingly just answered the question I had in my mind, Thank you, for that. I like to be nice to people, but I have boundaries & do enforce them. So many people refuse to respect my boundaries & are quite nasty about it & name call. I didn't know how to handle it, but now I do!! THANK YOU, beautiful lady!!
Carol Vevle I agree, I have been to therapy and I have kind of learned that unless you have been with a narc you really don’t know
Yes, narcissistic awareness is very needed in society, especially in the school system and abuse councillors in general.
I agree
I think there is a strong correlation between your ability of setting boundaries and your own feeling of self-worthiness. It's a highly underrated skill.
Can you make a video about boundries in the work place? With supervisors and coworkers?
I will put it on my list. Thanks!
Stephanie Lyn Coaching
Pleaseeeee
I am very interested in how I can set and keep boundaries at work as well.
YES! Great idea!!!!
I have a coworker who constantly testing my boundaries. First I get mad, then I wait to calm down before confronting him. It falls on deaf ears. So is it wrong if I push one of his buttons to show his actions have consequences?
Thank you! I just set a boundary up for myself w/my sister for the first time! Like you said it felt amazing!! She is a name caller & "put you down" kinda person & I told her I will not tolerate that anymore! You are helping me so much!!
So much for the majority of neighbors, family and church. This place may encourage me to be a hermit after all. Thanks so much.
I too considered that.
Oh my, yes to the backlash and people dropping. But it's amazing how when you start to love yourself your life starts to fill up with people who love you too - and also how much better you can love them back!
This video was so inspiring for me. In the past I was definitely a people pleaser and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized that I need to make myself happy and not worry so much about other people’s feelings.
Joy Morris, Phongsavanh 🙌💗💪
Yes Ive learned this as well. I wish I learned this sooner
It’s just so hard when those people who drop (I had to drop) were all immediate family. It’s basically been like deaths in my life. But I’ve overcome so much and as time has gone by I’ve become much stronger. I can’t thank you enough Stephanie for all of your videos, they are helping me so much.
I read a saying somewhere I remember what it said something like when you set boundaries with people and they respect it those are your people and those who do not respect your boundaries after you set them those are not your people. So after setting boundaries with certain people and they were not willing to respect them I either ended the relationship or I distance myself from the relationship. We all deserve to have healthy loving relationships not unhealthy + - toxic relationships
I really really could of used this advice in high school and all through my 20's. It's too bad they didn't have RUclips then or internet. But then again we didn't have the texting problems either.
I appreciate learning this now 🙏We have the rest of our days to honour ourselves 💗
How old are you? I have to ask, you might be around my time period x
Sticking to your Boundaries is Self Care with Honours
It's a smart Investment that gives the best returns
Self Management is Priceless 💗
All my pre/adolescent years can be summed up as a shy person who didn’t know boundaries and has become livid with each betrayal to myself. I am now basically a zero tolerance of disrespect person and someone who values someone putting in the same amount of effort in a relationship of any kind.
I would get called harsh and petty for blocking people back then, but I’m glad to see it’s being talked about by online therapists who see the benefits of unfriending, blocking, or muting. I used to feel crazy and weak for needing to do this to people to remain sane. It made me feel like I couldn’t keep friendships. The thing is, I cut people off before for small things that bothered me and I cut people off for trying to make a relationship that ultimately failed. feel like I’m a likable person based on my personality and my good heart, but I am practically friendless because I don’t tolerate bs, dishonesty, and stupid small talk (gossip, irrelevant things). I’m learning to be okay with very, very few people in my life. It doesn’t bother me as much because it just reinforces the old saying that some of the loneliest people are some of the realest. I’ve never gone along with a crowd even if I wished I was part of a friend gang. Now I see how God saved me from so much drama. I just hate how I let the word petty seep into my mind. People misuse that word too much, much like the word toxic being used to describe something that may or may not be reparable. Just rambling here, but I appreciate this video because it reminds me that I still need to practice boundaries and not feeling bad if people react badly to them. If someone acts up because you demand respect, fuck that. Lol.
some people aren't meant to be in your life, hard to picture that when they were around for 15 years but true
I have a friend of many years standing, but is not supportive when I suffer with anything bad, and always is doing "one-up man ship" , and I couldn't understand it. With watching your video I realised that if I don't tell them what is going on, then they can't upset you. I have cut other friends from my life because of this, but now," another one bites the dust". Also I have had to walk away from my daughter as if I don't do what she wants she cuts me out of her life, previous video " How to cope with Jealous and insecure people." I have found that" life abhors a vaccum", you have to cut bad things from your life, in order for "good things to enter". This means that I will probably spend yet another Christmas on my own. At least people will respect me, and also I will respect myself.
Good for you! You sound very healthy and know when to set a boundary and know when people are trying to take advantage or manipulate you. I am so glad you are enjoying the videos! All the best!
👍 Another one bites the dust, and another ones gone 🎉😎✌
It all starts in childhood. I grew up in a narcissistic family that doesn't recognize what boundaries are. I was a child to be "seen and not heard" so I was unknowingly disrespected all the time. Being shy didnt help because either because I really didn't get attention unless it benefited the other.
In life is not much different then that..
I have never seen hair as beautiful as yours
september luketz thank you!
Thank you! Now I know what they were trying to do, before I was just half aware of their schemes, and I was almost lost and depressed. You saved my life.
I’m so glad I found you ❤️thank you so much
Manuela Caamano I’m so glad you’re here! Welcome!
I definetly needed this video. I'm a people pleaser and I need some boundaries. Thank you for the video.
Excellent video. Love the way you teach people exactly how to implement the suggestions you make.
Yes,
I love her practical action steps, they really work 👍
She tells it like it is
You should have a podcast! I would absolutely love that
Nicole Romero Thank you so much! I’m trying to figure out what my audience really wants from me… There are a few things in the works and I will share them with you guys once they are 100% ready to go. Thank you so much for your comment though!
I wish I knew this earlier 😢 I left a marriage because my husband was constantly pushing and ignoring boundaries. I didn’t know this at the time but I always felt sad and miserable. After 13 years I had no choice but to leave. If only I had this knowledge while I was still married.. there are so many conversations that should have happened but didn’t. Sadly even if I had explained this to my ex I don’t think he would have changed.
I’m so glad I have this knowledge now. No one will ever be able to violate my boundaries again!
donnasidey,You got a lovely smile 😊
Point by point I connected with what you are saying. I am learning that setting boundaries builds self worth & self esteem, feels great. Not sometimes easy but well worth it. I can see where in dating these things are very important. Thank you Stephanie
Capricorn Man Setting boundaries and being able to enforce them is very self empowering and it is showing your SELF that you come first. That you can take care of yourself and stand up for yourself. All very good things to increase your self-worth and self-esteem.
Love it! Love it! Love it! Wow! If you only knew how much I needed to hear this. Why don't they teach this stuff in schools? The world would be a better place. Thank you.
I wish 🙏 that is the goal.
You spoke of forgiveness and how you thought when you were violated, you should offer forgiveness and move on. Yes, we should ALWAYS forgive because that is more for ourselves than for the other person but forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. All forgiveness is, is me saying that I am not personally seeking payment for the violation, I won’t seek vengeance. Reconciliation is coming back together in relationship with nothing between you any longer interrupting your ability to fellowship with each other and offer and be open to intimacy again. This is the part that is too often skipped. I have lived in relationships my whole life where the offender never truly acknowledge their wrong or the pain that they caused me, they just expect to be able to continue moving forward without addressing the issues. In a way that is mutually satisfying. Denial of responsibility and telling me that I am over reacting to every objection to bad behavior or even just behavior that doesn’t work for me in relationship, this cannot be healthy ground for reconciliation.
Can you please make a video about when you've allowed boundaries to be broken in a relationship but want to start enforcing them after years? X
Faye Wareing Hi! So if you have allowed your boundaries to be violated by someone time and time again the way to start enforcing them is to just start enforcing them. I know that sounds really simple but the reality is you can always start right now where you are. There is nothing specific that you have to do you just have to be really consistent going forward to show this person what your boundaries are and if they continue to violate your boundaries there has to be a consequence and enforcing the consequence.
Following through with what you say you’re going to do is so important now. If this person has been in your life for a while and they have become accustom to being able to violate you and your boundaries then this will take time on both of your parts… on your part to be consistent with enforcing boundaries and on their part to get used to the new you. It will take them time to realize that you will no longer tolerate their behavior.
What kind of consequence should there be when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries. What is a healthy consequence?
@@StephanieLynCoaching You cannot even fathom how useful, poignant, and profound your reply to the original poster's comment is for me. I am sending you the deepest, most sincere gratitude. Despite this being a year after the fact. Man. It reaches. Thank you
Great follow up comment from the presenter 👍
Setting boundaries for ourselves is very much like raising a child. Parents have to be disciplined and accountable to stay consistent with keeping their childrens boundaries enforced as well as choose appropriate consequences when violated. We must apply these same parenting skills to ourselves 💗
I believe the saying is "21 days starts a habit, 90 days becomes a lifestyle."
I just spent hundreds of dollars on a therapists for something I just learned in a few minutes😞 Self-love! It’s even biblical!!! Well, I’ve got some unearthing and re-learning to do. And then...I will teach my two daughters 😍
Often times with therapy that is the problem people have.. they stay stuck and are not learning the tools to help them move forward. They see what the problem is or behavior but never learn what needs to change to move forward.
Thanks for commenting!
Thanks for sharing! This is so where I am in my life right now. I just completed my Life Coach training and I've learned so much about me and what I was tolerating. I'm at point in my life where I'm setting healthy boundaries and being more assertive in a loving way and I must say it feels pretty darn good! I am more confident, accomplishing goals and so ready to help other women do the same!!!
Life Coach Trice Yay!! Congratulations that is so exciting!
Life Coach Trice It is amazing how good you feel and how much self-love is in.. just learning how to take care of yourself in this way! Good for you!
A Lack of boundaries comes from two narc parents who completely destroy any individuality or boundaries their young child tries. The child learns that anger, standing up for themselves, and self-care are not an acceptable part of human experience. The child learns that 100% obedience and people pleasing is the only way to survive in life. My oh my what a wake up call after decades of sexual and emotional abuse, waking up from CPSTD is exhilarating! Mind-blowing! A much healthier way of living life. No longer need to dissociate emotionally and physically, if boundaries are clarified. Boundaries are beautiful.
This is exactly where I am w/ my mom, right now. As always, your words of wisdom are sooo encouraging & empowering. THANK YOU, sweet girl!!!
Thank you for posting this- it’s a great addendum to the book I’ve been reading and working through: Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch. The hardest part is weathering the backlash of setting a boundary! Several people have dropped out of my life because I stood up for myself. It’s not easy, but the self-love and whole heart that develops after years of practice is so completely worth it!
My mom over step my boundaries and thinks it's ok for my children to disrespect me and just lately I've had to set a boundarie and I did not come from calm place because she does not listen to me now she won't talk to me. I wish you knew how many years of abuse she has over me and all I'm trying to do is better myself and children.
❤❤❤⚘
Same with my narc mom. She doesn't tolerate when you attempt to set any boundaries. She takes it as personal insult. And starts playing a victim behind my back making me look really bad...been there so many times..
Boundaries are the healthiest thing I have ever done and you have to be firm . I used to be a people pleaser but not anymore. It’s a good feeling .
This is a 5 year old video. Watching in 2023.. This is such a powerful message. Love it.
So good! This is on repeat in my library! Thank you!
Bianca Pacheco Yay!! I have my own playlists as well! It’s always good to listen to positive information. Keep dumping that stuff and then eventually something will stick. All the best!
When I mention something new and interesting in my life to my old friends, they never ask me about those things. They never ask me how that's going.
They have a boxed vision of who I am and where my place is.
They never acknowledge the good things that happen to me, because, they don't want to believe it.
They always have the right answer and if you don't agree, they tell other monkeys all the bad, made up things about me, but, never the good things.
They skip right over any joy you have found.
I watched this video 5 years ago and I’m so glad that it came through my feed again! What a great video and refresher course on creating healthy boundaries
Calmly stating my boundaries has helped me feel so much better in general.
I always watch this when I have to remind myself of how to set boundaries. Love your content. It’s so helpful
you're such a pretty, sweet lady. you are right, people will treat us the way we let them. I feel so sad and lonely when I figured out who really cared about me and who didn't. I found this all out during a divorce and illnesses. Friends of 25, and 30 years just abandoning me when I needed support and they didn't like me being assertive. How do I get strong enough to even try to make new friends?
mary wolfe ..new n good friends...will be atracted to you,Darling..but dont try too hard..just love n respect yourself - that is the magnet!!😊😉😇😎
Mary Wolfe I understand where you are coming from. Mine was 2 years ago when I lost my husband of 30 years. No one wants to be around someone grieving. His family stopped contact with me the day I buried my husband. We do live in the same town, have phones and cell phones. As far as friends go I have 1 that has stuck it out with me. These last 2 years have really changed the person I was. I am no longer a people pleaser. I say how I feel and most of the time it is not what they want to hear. Yes I am lonely and miss my friends but they were not friends to begin with. I do not work so it is hard meeting new people but I have accepted it. Being alone is better than being used. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care.
@@464509 most likely they were just friends with you to see what they could get from you they were self Pleasers and self-seeking and it is better to be alone to be happy than to be around people who make you unhappy or just pretend to be happy and make you happy because you have something to offer them you're right people change and they can't take it enjoy your own company
Stand your ground! Standing your ground is the hardest part for those who don't have experience practicing bounderies. The more you practice it though, the more empowered and in control you will FEEL! So keep practicing !
If ppl still treat you with respect and kindness after you set boundaries, they are the right ppl to welcome into your life
Its not about loving yourself its about being aware of your happiness I believe. Being happy and saying your going to start the day like this is top priority. It attracts good things people like to be around happy people. You must learn to be aware of the ugly and I believe what you say stand your ground. Thank you. And you are right you have to take the garbage out there a lot of better people around that are better for you and like wise. I did this a few yrs ago it was time. just wasnt healthy anymore. I also have a goals list now. Believe it or not a lot of them have happened. They become inbeded in your subconsious. You are giving me some great education. I am a sales leader at work and deal with all kinds.I really appreciate your education. I could really use someone like you in my life as a coach for a short time Im not rich. I live in Alberta Canada. Where you from ? Thank you very much for your vids I learn so much. I try to stay away from negative people they have a problem for every solution.
Theres a saying, I am not who you think I am you are who you think I am. Thanx . I will keep watching your vids.
Dietmar Bruestle thank you so much! If you are ever interested in 1-1 Coaching you may email me here info@stephanielynlifecoaching.com
Dietmar Bruestle - "I am not who you think I am, you are who you think I am". Wow, that saying sums up exactly a toxic (narcissist) person I am dealing with right now, that's brilliant. It basically describes 'projecting'. I came up with my own saying "It takes one to suspect one", but your saying spells it out much better!
Beautiful Dayzee 🙌
Yes, Gr8 quote!
I also like the comment that they have a problem for every solution, that resonates loudly. My soon to be XCovertNarc, is always pushing back, resisting every thing big or small.His negative, perpetually pessimistic attitude is all across the board. He is a killjoy.His glass is half empty and mine is half full. It's a constant struggle. I have to get off the misery go round. It's a dead end situation.
DDB,
Well said, I enjoyed your comment. I now see that misery loves company and unhappy people pull you down so they can continue to feel miserable. It's exhausting being around negative people.
It's not my responsibility to make them happy or lift their spirits. It's my responsibility to keep myself happy and lift my own spirits. If I'm not happy being around them then I'm in the wrong place.
Hey there Stephanie Lyn, I wanted to take the time to say thank you for making such a wonderful video, it taught me a lot. You helped me realized when a boundary is being crossed. I was able to set boundaries with my mom and I stood up for myself even though I felt sad afterwards. I really appreciate you and this video.
Setting boundaries is not a negative barrier, it's a positive blueprint of how to be successful.
I stopped enforcing boundaries a long time ago to "keep the peace". Now I barely know how to begin, but I am determined to do it. Your videos are so helpful...Thank you.
Awesome dating story about your friend! I really like it. It's something I've never really heard before. In all my research into Narcissism, and getting healthy, and dating advice. This really spoke to me, after years of research. Thank You!!!
I’m going to actually make a list of my boundaries for friendship and standards in a relationship now thank you Stephanie for an excellent video 👍🏻
I LOVE YOU. THank You Thank You Thank You. I just start to set boundries. I start to love being alive again. So many years wasted at pleasing people. I am still learning...
It is very true...To say NO is the first liberating word...it is hard but so healthy for everyone...Thank you so much.
This is a great video Stephanie Lyn, I always struggle and could not find what is right and what is wrong. I was always in stage of doubt.As I always wanted to make other people happy so when I stood up and try a better understanding,.Cannot tell you how much effort I put to start learning about these stuff. I used to seek confirmation from others despite the fact that deep down in my heart knowing somethings was not right and I did the right thing to walk away and set my boundaries. Sometimes the cost was high, ending to losing what I was thinking love.You know how many years it costed me for redefining and understanding these stuff. I thought I should write down this under your video, please keep continuing this. The impact you create from making these stuff available for people for free is great and it is not measurable. I am still learning and seeking for growth.i found your summarisation is so valuable, someone need to go through the pain to understand fully what you are saying. Thank you Thank you
Wow… Girl you literally just blew my mind! I have been dealing with someone I have to see daily and I didn’t realize how I can deflect the abuse by not responding other than like they are a child. I don’t have to lose myself image and respect because I don’t have to give them anything of myself emotion wise after disrespecting me. I am 30 years old and I feel so silly for not knowing that sooner. I thought I was had to defend myself or explain why or forget and not respond positive or negative but I can understand who I am and what I’m not going to tolerate
Laura Elzey,You look cute 🥰
This is something what people from dysfunctional family are not aware of. We need to practice set the boundaries every day. Sometimes we forget to put ourselves first because we love people and we want the best for them. We can not learn those skills in school. That's why its coaching. I would recommend to all people to read more books about it and practice on the daily basis.
Love! Love! Love! Thank you for this incredible video! I am a "recovering" people pleaser, setting healthy boundaries and standing by them! It feels amazing!! Your videos are so informative, thank you!
Karen Natalie,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are with a good man!
Thank you for putting these videos online. You help me a lot!
Completely agree with your points, just a bad example with the texting/calling. Good for him for not giving into her controlling demands so early in the relationship too. If he dislikes phone calling, she has to respect that and compromise. I sympathize because I hate phonecalls too 😁 and that's nothing to do with how much I like or respect the other person, I just won't call people unless it's an emergency. Introverts!
Thank you for your comment! The example in the video was more about setting a boundary for what she deemed as a value to her in relationships. If he does not enjoy speaking on the phone and she does then they already do not share the same values in terms of how they like to communicate.
It seems she was more about connecting on that level and he was not. There is no need to compromise in the beginning stages of a relationship as this is when you should be the most honest with who you are and your values.
In my opinion that is not an introvert quality. Introverts do want to connect just as an extrovert would. Speaking on the phone or talking in general is more about connecting with another person. Glad you enjoyed the video!
Stephanie Lyn Coaching Stephanie Lyn Coaching Thanks for replying! Yeah, agree the example is very early in the relationship for compromises already, just didn't seem a big enough deal-breaker to me, but I've been enjoying a few of your videos and just come from the narcissism ones, so I'm probably confusing this as a weak example narcissism when this is generally about boundaries. Obviously phoning is a big value for the woman in this case, so yes, good for her setting the boundary early and not wasting either of their time. Just hope she had tried calling him first to set the example and he didn't reciprocate which was why she then asked him to. :)
She's not being controlling, don't think it's unreasonable for her to ASK him to phone (she wasn't demanding), Why always do we have to kow-tow down to men?
Don't forget she also caught him in other questionable behaviour.
I can say as an introvert that I also prefer phone calls and in-person to texting. I think it’s more of a generational thing and a fear of intimacy thing that makes people prefer texting over direct interaction!
I'm playing this as a background noise while Im doing my homework. Its helps me when I come across something challenging in class I can almost always help me replace negative thought to positive thoughts. I get through the small challenge and celebrate that I made out ok (: even small challenge might feel overwhelming, but when you have Stephanie lyn in the background reminding you that you have it in you to get through it. Best feeling ever (:
That’s great! It’s still getting into subconscious I always keep these types of videos playing as well. It’s better than listening to music or TV
Wow. I needed this. I just got chewed out for setting a boundary and sticking to it. This is great. Thank you
9:18 Wow. I try to come from this place, he says that I’m being “mean” and “uncaring”, that he needs someone who is compassionate.
You can be caring and compassionate and still have boundaries. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, he doesn't get the caring and compassionate!
People who want to use you view your self-respect at selfishness and arrogance when you do not jump their hoops. Maybe it is that. Something wrong with looking out for yourself?
thank you double delight ...because you are wise and beautiful too..now the hard part is HOLDING THE GROUND..when they do not like you or approve the confidence you show to them...with outgoing back to the vicious circle..of feeling guilty!!!.ufff jajaj..is a trip..is a game and it takes practice....thank you sister.
cris arriola keep fighting that guilt!! Just know you’re putting yourself first and that of self-loathing.
I’m a people pleaser also and I got that definitely from my mother now I see my daughter who is 13 taking on similar traits and she always has anxiety and feels guilty. I ask her if she can explain that feeling to me and why she has it and she can’t, I’m a single mother her dad is an alcoholic and never sees her , do you have any suggestions so I don’t pass down this generational curse? Thanks Stephanie
Joy Cordaro I would find some videos on RUclips that both you and her can watch together that explain how to overcome being a people pleaser. Have her watch videos on how to love herself and how to have positive and healthy self-talk. Show her my video/podcast on anxiety. It will help her understand where anxiety comes from and how to start healing it. 💗
Stephanie Lyn Coaching thank you I’m going to do that thank you so much
Stephanie... You are such a breath of fresh air to me!!! Thank you so much for this "service" that you are providing for me and those like me!
I finally understand why I react from an anger place everytime my boundaries are violated. I will work on this. Thank you so much. May you a very long life so you may continue to bless us with this. It means the world to some of us who have had struggles with these areas.
I was 36 on my second marriage when I stumbled upon what boundaries even were
Goraiders75 that’s how most of us learned.. later in life.
Stephanie Lyn Coaching very true. Because of both my ex wifes being toxic I have been working on myself for almost 3 years now and recently started going to college for psychology I am going to become a clinical psychologist with emphisis in A.B.A, Personality disorders and trauma
Goraiders75 🙌💜
Fifty-five on my fourth marriage....so thankful for this information. It should be shown in high school.
Thank you so much for this! This is truly a blessing to me.
All your videos are ones of the best. Thank you so much for unselfishly sharing and helping us with your brillant words. I am what the video is saying
U Rock!!!! I just found you and needed this exact thing! Boundaries have always been hard for me. So thank u. And I listened to one yesterday calmly responding instead of reacting 🙏🙏🙏
deb yager,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are with a good man!
Some people think they are using boundaries when they are actually walls. Pia melody discusses this in her books and videos. It's difficult to understand each other sometimes. It can take good critical thinking and complex thought skills. I think temperament and the subtle differences in values is good to understand. The book please understand me discusses this. Working through issues can be difficult. Bradshaws fair fighting rules are great. Abusers and ignorant people evade and divert and deflect with the heavy use of logical fallacies. It's a good way to understand how someone is not in reality. You can't have intimacy with people who aren't in reality. It's painful when it's someone close to you and you can't work things out. John gottman discusses this and also harville hendrix. I've noticed in my family people not understanding boundaries and thinking they are setting a boundary when it is actually rigid and inappropriate. They abuse and then evade, divert, deflect from the subject. They don't seem to know that they lack empathy. For example you will be discussing something and they will globally label you in a hurtful way and it will be missatuned or a misunderstanding and you try to discuss it and they go to darvo. Deny, attack, reverse, victim, offender. When I tell someone what I perceive, think and feel I want to hear them do the same and really try to listen. Seek truth and find meaning together. It is a social norm to text sometimes. To rigidly expect no texting might be seen as rigid and controlling. It can be seen as dominating. You want someone who is flexible and moderate. For example, if you say I don't want so much texting, which sounds moderate, and they text you and you respond as if you meant no texting at all, they could see you as difficult and we want to listen to see if their thoughts and feelings are valid. If someone thinks you are setting strict rules, it could come across as if you are in a fantasy world and center stage and they're minor players. It's not pleasant for someone to counter everything you say, and in fact it is what abusers or confused people can do. But I want my loved ones to feel comfortable to disagree and respect their rights to be heard. The "I really wanted to hear from you on the phone this time" after telling someone ambiguously that you prefer less texting, could sound like you expect them to read your mind (cognitive distortion and sign of problem psychic boundaries) and disappointed when they don't behave the way your idea of the ideal person should. Like a director of the players on your stage. I don't know if I would rush to judgement or jump to conclusions that someone is testing. Abusers rush to judgement and jump to conclusions with poor communication. If someone thinks I am conceited or arrogant, I want to hear the data and their point of view. And self reflect. Work through the issue. Not an authoritarian dictator. Overall though I really appreciate your videos which are inspiring and important for us to expect to be treated with dignity and respect. I just don't know about ordering a person to call and not text. People might not like it and not tell you.
While I would normally agree if they respected you these type of conversations wouldn't be a problem to have a conversation and say hey, that was not cool, clear violation of boundaries.
Very informative and encouraging. Thanks for sharing this video. MuchLove!!!
Sooooo many people need to hear this! Me especially. I've been really hininhnin on getting in touch with what I want and need in lifr, as opposed to Eeeeeeeverybody else first, then harboring secret resentment, because I knew down deep that my boundaries were weak. Thank You for helping to bring this issue to light and also to help with some solid problem solving techniques :)
This is what I needed for a long long time. Thanks from the bottom of my heart
God bless you! Thank you for your Channel 💖🍀
You are an awesome person and have taught me alot in tje last few months of watching your very informative videos. THANK YOU!
My coaching friend sent me this video. You have so much good information and advice, and I’m taking it to heart!
Yes. Thank you. Very well said Stephanie. God had to show me that I can forgive but I don’t have to stay in relationship with them. I am still learning. Good video.
I be like that sometimes I have boundaries but I feel guilty
New subscriber! Love this video! Very informative! Stuff everyone should know! Thank you! I need to apply this ASAP!
Marisela S Welcome! Thank you so much for subscribing and I am so glad that you love the videos.. There are more to come!
Thank you Stephanie, this world needs women like you. Thank God for you. You opened my eyes.
I agree with this since I met you I’m peaceful calm I don’t let people get me worked up .
I'd love to see what some basic healthy boundaries would be for all relationships.
After watching this video I feel so empowered 😎😁
I am so glad to hear this because people are nuts and bullying.
We need to stay flexible, if everyone sets boundaries, we are all separated and not connected.
Thank you so much
Now, 3 years later, since I came across your videos, my life is totally different. It's worth living now.
you are brilliant
Praise God for sharing your gifts with the world 🙏🏼🙌🏼🦋☀️😇
This is one of the best videos I've ever watched. Thank you so much!