On the topic of people reacting to your boundaries, it's helpful to remember that it is not your job to relieve uncomfortable emotions in others. It's hard to be present in that discomfort especially when you're a caring, empathetic person, but ultimately they have to deal with their emotions for their own growth. Knowing that relieves a bit of the guilt
@@lisaweaver986 I don't think she was referring to people bullying you or encroaching on your life. Bullying is not exactly an uncomfortable emotion in others you are dealing with. I don't think anyone has every felt guilty in getting rid of a bully or cared about the bully's emotions.
The best advice that was given to me was by my therapist. If someone reacts negatively towards you saying “ no” it reflects who THEY are, not you. We can’t please everyone and at the end of the day all we have is ourselves and when we do things all the time for others, we start to forget to do things for ourselves and become lost.
People who actually want to have a healthy relationship with you, that care about your well-being, will not get angry when you set boundries (or at least they will work on getting over it). People who love you don't want to impose on you, hurt you, or make you uncomfortable - they will be grateful if you help them understand how to behave towards you.
thank you so much for stating this so clearly! I was recently re-triggered by a friendship in which I always felt 'imposed upon', and continually hurt by her lack of consideration for and attention to my needs, when I was giving so much of myself to meet hers. she would always ask the question "are you willing?" as though it absolved her of any responsibility to take care of my needs in the exchange, because if I said I was willing, then clearly I was taking responsibility for myself. now I see this carefully worded question as a way of subtly imposing upon me with a question that was almost impossible to say 'no' to, because in doing so I would be saying: "no I'm not willing to help you in your situation where you feel desperate". so in a way, I think it was a manipulation of the 'language of accountability' that she 'preached', to justify her way of getting her needs met. In response to your words above, I really wonder if she cared about 'imposing on me, hurting me, or making me uncomfortable', or only about getting her own needs met. I feel so sad and conflicted about this still.
and unfortunately there are very very few people like that. I'm very grateful to people like that as that requires very deeper level of maturity, love and most importantly respect.
What a wonderful, calm talk. I like the slow talking pace, it's like Maya Angelou's. To me, it seems to say - "I don't need to rush what I'm saying out of fear that people will get bored. It's the content of my thoughts that's important. I can be my gentle self if I am the gentle type and still get my strong message across." Thank you for your work.
Absolutely agree! I read recently that the quicker someone speaks, even if they're wrong, the more intelligent they appear to be. What a messed up society!
@Caring Soul When you're considerate and aware of others, you can fall into the trap of projecting your personality onto others. I'm realizing (maybe late in life?) that not everyone is like ME and I need to be proactive about setting and protecting my own boundaries. And - Most importantly, stop caring what those people think! :-)
both parents were narcisstic, did not know I could have needs. Did not know how to set boundaries, learning to say No and realizing people get mad when you do, calling you selfish and other choice words but it feels good to not care and finally start caring about me.
@@estanford826 yeah, my mom would always tellme I'm selfish when I try to set boundaries and not want to hear about other ppls problems 247. Play on my feelings and manipulate me.
I like that she actually stops and takes a big gulp of water after she says "self care" the first time. I doubt it was intentional, but perfect. That's right, stop and take the drink of water!
I was thinking it was intentional; that she was non-verbally re-enforcing her verbal message, in a way that some would perceive and others not, but would still be noticed.
Self care is hard. It needs to be taught in the home, and I believe this necessity of life wouldn't become so hard in our adult years..we wouldn't have so many unhappy marriages, child abuse, broken homes, people stuck in careers for which their unsuited...
What I'm learning is that you can start to relearn these lessons at any age. As my teacher, Katherine Woodward Thomas says, we are simply missing pieces of development because our parents did not have them to teach us. Thanks so much, Sarri for being our teacher of these critical life skills. xo
Boundaries are important, everyone needs their personal space, especially from work. Self-care also means letting go of those toxic people in your life, reducing all stress agents is vital for mental health. You many like me, try to eat well, work out but if you have all these negative spaces...your mind will not be one with you. Thus the need for that YES/NO compass. I love how Sarri brings it out.
yes, so well said! its so hard when I have 'stepped up' and demanded reciprocity, and the other person just 'dropped me'. its like the only way I could receive 'love' was to not have self-respect or consideration for my own wants and needs - so sad!
I have been binge watching TED for the last couple of days and I was never more at peace than when I watched yours Sarri. You are amazing to say the least. You give me that something - that pause , that authenticity and that unhurried approach to everything you say. You almost bought me to tears - couple times. May be it's my compass of self care. Thanks a lot for this video Sarri.
Hi Sachin, Thank you for your words. This means so much to hear how it has touched you. We can all use more slowing down. Glad you are listening to your compass. Stay in touch. I'd like to hear how this unfolds for you. Warmly, Sarri
@@sarrigilmanlmft2191 : well done for being an authentic you and leading others to walk the same path... Gbu and love you... Wishing you all the very best in life in His grace and mercy 🙋💕🙌
i love this talk! The speaker is so genuine. As a petite Asian girl born as a youngest in the family, my role was to be subservient to everyone in the family and please them. I had so much trouble setting boundaries for a long time. And still learning since everyone reacts to yiur "no"differently. Thank you for the speech!
Hi Sarah, I appreciate your courage to share your truth and the commitment to build your boundaries. Your story will inspire others. I am also still learning.
Sarah Kim same for me! I am a youngest and it's only when I give And become a yes girl that my family is happy with me. As soon as I have an opinion or want a life they try a draw me back in to what they consider my role is.
Kitty The Dancer That sounds like emotional abuse and enmeshment. I had a similar dynamic and it wasn’t until my therapist opened my eyes that I saw the truth about the ‘nice tight knit family’ facade. Basically just dysfunction in thin disguise.
I'm 22 self-teaching personal relationship boundaries. I had a negative, boundary-crossing environment at home. But I'm fortunate to say I am learning to listen to my own voice, create my own value system, set boundaries and respect the boundaries other people make. This stuff is incredible, and you get to practice it everyday.
U may well understand them but trying to set them when people walk all over them leaves u feeling even worse as though you have no rights to any, so you don't get practised in using them in the way others do. Recipe for disaster and more of the same
once I finally started saying 'no' to her, she stopped calling me, and when I recently saw her again, she seemed so distant and our connection felt very strained. for so long I had yearned so much for her acceptance, that I had said 'yes' to whatever she asked of me in order to 'win her love'. as long as I said 'yes', we had a functional (for her) relationship, in which her practical needs got met, and my emotional need to feel valuable got met, a little. for a brief time I would feel appreciated by her, and I treasured this precious moment. but then another request would soon come, and I would have to keep giving to her in order to keep her 'love'/ remain in her 'favor'. I still find it sad that after investing myself so deeply for so long, I have so little to show for it (except for sadness, hurt and more self-awareness - which perhaps is most valuable of all). I'm sad to realize that it never had been a true friendship in terms of reciprocal giving, empathy, consideration, support and love.
@@kierstentaub6805 thank you for your kind words of understanding, which help me to accept and forgive myself, knowing I'm not alone in this painful pattern! :)
I broke down this year at work. Didn't know how to keep up, and I loved my job and the importance of it. I lost my compass. I've since found it, and am trying self care every day.
I was the only child and youngest of cousins and grandchildren. I was always taught to respect my elders and not talk back. I grew up with no boundaries because of this and always kept my mouth shut when I wanted to speak up. I’m 24 years old and just now getting out of this. Looking back my parents didn’t respect my wishes, thoughts, and feelings. I’m sure this played a huge role in that all.
I was raised in a home where opinions, feelings and beliefs were controlled, often times, discounted. I know the power of feeling like you don't have a voice. In those circumstances, I began to act out, becoming angry and shut down. It wasn't until a very powerful event happened to me, where I had given in when I should have said something. It crushed me to the point where I couldn't even function, but I am so thankful that it did happen! That event changed the way I saw myself and the power I had in my own voice. Not long after that, another event came my way where I finally had to stand up for what I was feeling, believing and thinking. The person was not happy with my choice, but it's not up to me whether they are happy or not, it's up to me to stand where I stand.
This was like a warm hug from my inner soul to myself. Thank you for being such a kind discerning person to be able to convey such meaningful ideas and thoughts. I just set a boundary with a friend who was draining me daily and I feel so free. Now I can be a better mother, wife, sister and friend. But most of all, now I can be the best for myself. To myself, from myself. This was like a love letter to my heart. Thanks!
I like how she referred to 'ongoing problem solving' instead of calling it 'worrying'. That's how it feels, and that's why it seems like a good idea. Even though it's often basically worrying.
I have always called it that! And waa my pet peive whwn others would say to "stop worrying" if they foundvout I was actively provlem solving 🙄. It IS problem solving if I am making progress !
I have learned and practised these tips during traumatherapy with a fantastic psychotherapist. But nothing beats the power of repetition, so thank you! I adore the easy, consistent pace with which you presented the information.
This is wonderful. The last five years I was working as full time RN three 12 hr shift a week, doing all care for elderly parents age 95 and 85 who lived 1,000 miles away because family there couldn’t be bothered. I mean paying the bills, managing home care, having the food delivered, and had them on camera watching them. I also had a husband (supper supportive) a dog, two cats, and a house to maintain since he works out of town 2 week of month. I hit a wall, got sick, lots of unexplained neuro symptoms. In desperation I asked my husband to take FAMLA and help me more. The only thing that could give was my job, I was miserable. It has been a year, my father died, my mother lives with us. I can see clearly now and feel better than I have in years. I can see how I trapped myself into the belief my job was me, that the money was all that mattered, into a life of chronic very high stress. I have not missed work a minute. I have made myself more of priority than I ever have and I feel the sky is the limit.
Ahh such a soothing way of hearing what some would call ‘selfish’ behavior. I’m not a device. I will love myself. I will step away when my inner voice is saying no. Thank you
I always thought I had good boundaries but questioned this having met a Narcissist bully neighbour, that has shown me I still have wounds from my past to heal and I am 63. People pleasing, trying to fit in, care taking being responsible, not knowing who I am or what my needs are. This is a great video and teaching to practice. Narcissists do not respect boundaries but it is still important to set them regardless. As you say it is essential for SELF CARE. Kept this to listen too over and over. Thank you so much and for soothing calm delivery.
Thank you so much for this wonderful speech for which I was in a big need. I am approaching my 50's and I just realized I am exhausted, I need to slow down, I was praying for guidance, and maybe this speech is a sign. It is absolutely true that if you don't feel good you can't really be good to anyone who might need you. I know I have some sweating to do to set my boundaries and some learning to work on to look after the fragile me, am ready for it. Thank you again and keep on the great work you are doing...
hi Huda, Slowing down is a GREAT way to help yourself. It is the first thing I do when I feel overwhelmed. Our boundaries are pushed all the time and it takes focus and courage to just stand by what we need. Keep in touch I would like to follow your journey. I have a facebook author page, you can always reach me there. Warmly, Sarri
hi Huda, Slowing down is a GREAT way to help yourself. It is the first thing I do when I feel overwhelmed. Our boundaries are pushed all the time and it takes focus and courage to just stand by what we need. Keep in touch I would like to follow your journey. I have a facebook author page, you can always reach me there. Warmly, Sarri
Here it is 6/30/18, and this 12/15 Ted Talk of good boundaries is as important and meaningful as it ever was. Only 16 minutes and I had a reminder of what makes life not only endurable, but brings back the happiness factor! Thanks so much for this amazing TED talk.
This was perfectly lovely to watch and listen to. Like coming across a dear treasured friend after a long separation. Not to mention the message I so need to remember and hear again given so freely, warmly and clearly. Love and thanks to you Sarri.
this is a very helpful presentation lately i started to say no to people i used to always say yes to and as you predicted they became very angry and insulting to me in person. so then i realized they could call me so i learned how to block them. yes a chicken's way out but i file this action under self care until i can say no in person.
I used to be terrified of the consequences of saying no. (Rage, anger, retailiation, passive agression, guilt tripping, cold shoulder, physical abuse, cutting me off, walking out of my life etc) Now, I am so acquainted with the word, it rolls off my tongue w/o hesitation and I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. I no longer please others at my own expense. My integrity is still in tact, I PRESERVE my energy, and I choose to nurture my mental health, not sacrifice it. (Peace of mind is EVERYTHING) JUST SAY NO! 😜
my compass has always been cloudy and i called it confusion since both the sides of a coin has its own benifits i thought it was called being understanding by listening to people that my choices took a backseat and i found my boundries violated as soon as i started college this year thanks for this amazing reminder
Thank you for this talk, it was a helpful synchronicity as it came on autoplay. My compass was so cloudy the last few weeks due to stress and high expectations. Today i said yes to something even though i felt my compass scream no and the tension between what i was doing and my need for self- care was pulling me all over the place. Thanks for reminding me of the simplicity of our inner compass and the sacrifice of people pleasing.
Oh that is one of the hardest ones for me, saying Yes but then going back and having to say, "I'm sorry, this is a No for me". I used to not go back MintBlueJelly. I would go ahead and just do the thing I knew I should be doing. But I have made a commitment to myself to go back and do a do-over. It is great that you are catching it and hearing yourself.
What a great talk! I struggle with my own boundary making, because I do what you mentioned in your talk, "mixing my emotions with my compass's yes or no." This was a little bit of an 'a-ha' moment for me. Thank you for your helpful information!
Hi Phoenix, i too found that to be life changing. It is so helpful to care for your feelings but not let them make all the decisions. I look forward to hearing what you notice about that in time. Warmly, Sarri
Same. It’s surprisingly scary because we feel like a kid when talking to our parents. You may feel like you’re being mean for stating your likes or dislikes if they do go along with theirs. I have to remind myself of my age and remind my parents that I am my own person who may at times totally disagree with them. I also got a tip recently, to use a tone or language you are comfortable with instead of being accommodating to their own, like if you are an immigrant family and you feel more confident using your second language, go ahead and use it even if your parents feel more at ease with the first, stand your ground, which even way is easier it’s up to you how you defend your peace!
Woww Sarrii, I as a man have been stuck in a rut with setting my own boundaries for nearly half a century now and have stress my whole life, your an inspiration to all of us Christian men in general who feel like were cut off under the belt by a evil minded society! If y'all know what I mean, hahaha! Sad but true, I've become a recluse and avoid noisy people! Love this message without a dought, I'm just too afraid to move forward in my life because of sever social anxiety and depression! I value anyone's helpful opinion or can we support each other, From a silent Christian brother, Amen!
Change can feel so challenging because it often requires us to step outside of our comfort zones and face the unknown. Habits, beliefs, and routines are deeply ingrained, making it hard to break free from patterns, even when we know they no longer serve us. It's wonderful that Annie Finch AMFT understands this struggle and provides the guidance needed to create lasting, sustainable change. With the right support, making meaningful life shifts becomes more achievable!
I liked when she said that 'self care is how you treat yourself. That's so very true. We have to 🤔 think about the what ifs. What I mean is, if we tell a person 'no', we have to get out of wondering what if the person no longer wants to talk to us to, what would happen to me if I don't say no. Sometimes saying no is more healthier for you, then for the other person. And to me, that is self care.😊
Wow! I needed this so bad. A registered nurse 25yrs….Covid19 took something…and “no” was never the answer. I had a hard “no” my health started to plummet. Now that I’ve been off work 2 months and doing some catch up self care and self love…all I hear is “No” to going back. I thought this was my love but nope… I’m not meant to tolerate anymore human suffering…I hit my limit of being the one (it!) in a game of tag that not many want to play. I choose me now everyday. I’m getting it together… I still in recovery mode. Thank you for this ❤
This is so true. And I just figured this out for myself after decades of painful existence. If we don’t set boundaries we are PRISONERS in our environment whether it’s at home, at work, within our families, etc. Our indoctrination by society when we were very young to ‘go along to get along’t, be nice, don’t rock the boat has always served to make us miserable by allowing us to be manipulated by other human beings.
you look so both soothed and calm in your way to explain. It has helped me to better understand the importance of setting boundaries. I realize this process is crucial for ourselves and the people around us. thank you for sharing these life tips. take care
Totally. I can relate with a domineering parent who blows up if I happen to have an opinion to how I live my life and it doesn’t match theirs 😬 I hate it when abusers raise their voice and can see how to avoid that uncomfortable situation we can sometimes give in for a temporary comfort, avoiding a conflict, only to find ourselves deeper in a situation we don’t wish to be in.
This was an amazing talk! I needed to hear this since I grew up in a narcissist family which I didn’t realize until 2016 even though I could see as a child that something was wrong starting with the horrible treatment to me from my mother and my father and my father’s wife and other toxic relatives. I’m struggling to set boundaries but it starts with my compass. I really appreciated this!
what a truly inspirational take about interpersonal boundaries and intrapsychic boundaries. The importance of self-care, that we have the right to say no to the demands of everyday life and our family. I look at it this way there is only one of me. This has taken me a long time as my self -belief was about taking care of everyone else unmet needs rather my own especially when you have experienced developmental trauma. Thank you so much Sarri
Every soul who tries to people please actually beholds great fear of being left out. We put our energy into making sure that people will stick around instead of healing and being enough for ourselves and we have a lot of trouble to rethink all of that. But being a people pleaser is one of the quickest ways of turning into a selfish, manipulative person. Excessive kindness can’t be your whole personality trait, otherwise you’re actually not saving any of that kindness for yourself. Watching lectures like that strengthens the self-therapy that I’m doing since a few talks with my actual therapist. I’m glad to listen to that and find some comfort and wisdom in the comments as well.❤
This is something to start setting boundaries after years of not having any. It's especially hard with your grown children or your grown child. It almost feels like a death but yet I know that it'll set me free and give me the respect that I deserve as a mother.
I have a great "How to Say No" eCourse on my website if you know anyone who needs help with saying No. I get that question lots in my workshops....so put together a fast way to learn the steps to say no. Thanks for your note.
It's quite easy to say "no". Just say, "If I were to say 'yes', then this negative thing could occur, so I hope u understand why I must say 'no' to ur request". ie. If I say "yes" to helping u move on Saturday, then I will be in too much pain on Sunday to go visit my nana... to play in my softball tournament... to take my grandkids to the park... so I hope you understand why I have to say "no" ie. If I say "yes" to loaning you this money, and something happens where you're unable to pay it back right away, then I won't be able to eat next week... to make my rent / mortgage payment... to buy workboots for my job... so I hope you understand why I have to say "no" If I said "yes", then this bad thing could occur, so I have to say "no". Easy peasy! 😉
Thank you Sarri for sharing your story and wisdom with us in such a warm, loving way. Your presence is delightful and authentic. I remember 20 years ago going through a nervous breakdown while I was trying to save everyone but myself. It changed the course of my life for the better, but I still find myself challenged by decision making. I am deeply grateful for your presence and pearls of wisdom. I will carry them with me on my path as I continue to learn healthy boundaries. Many Blessings, Emily
I don't allow everyone into my life. When it comes to friendship,i am extremely fussy (picky). At the moment i don't have friends and i am happy. No friends,no problems .
Felix Khale There is no such thing anymore as friends. You have people who use you to varying degrees and that’s it. Especially if money is involved. They use the friend moniker to get free work or discounts. I’m changing my phone number and wearing headphones when I show up at my apartment and run in and lock the door. People are helpless! This chick collared me Sunday on the way to the gym asking me to go pick up a king size bed for her. It was the 6th person that week that hit me up for something. Of course she didn’t have anyone to load it or set it up and it was across town. She offered me $10. I didn’t know if I was more offended of her hitting me up on Sunday or offering me a lousy $10 which wouldn’t pay for my gas. Of course I had a full day and it didnt get done. Typical day at my complex!
I'm just wondering if you re-read your comment or if you're hearing yourself...? because I'm just wondering how could no friends possibly be a good thing...? I understand how less drama could be a good thing but I don't think that that is what no friends equals...
I think thats not healthy. We need to learn to deal with people. Thats what makes us grow, thats what makes us learn how to set bounderies and develop ourselves.
Amazing talk, thank you. This is just what I needed right now. I've got to go back and say No to something that I've said Yes to knowing I shouldn't and yes it's been causing so much stress, but you have given me the strength to do it. I've always got myself into situations because of not having boundaries and not listening to my heart. You are a genuine lovely person, thank you so much x
Hi Carol, it is very courageous to stand with your truth. I have found that by holding myself accountable, I have found a greater sense of peace. Your boundaries are always with you. I love your sentence about "not listening to my heart". I think that is a good goal for 2017, for all of us. Listen with the heart. Best to you., Sarri
This woman has a very calming voice. She's right because without boundaries we're slaves to others and ourselves. Being authentic is very frightening in a society that encourages us to be like other people, and for CPTSD sufferers it's triggering, but inevitable if we're going to heal.
In my life right now, after walking through my family of origin stuff(haha) laundry list long. I am at the point of setting boundaries for self care. With mind you, people who are not going to listen to or follow the idea... but I’m getting good practice. Love the compass! Very to the point and if I hind sight 20/20 life? I always knew/know inside if it’s yes or no. I’ve ignored it and now with being in recovery-I realize that self care has to be number one in the most unselfish way possible because if I am feeling cloudy, unsure, irritable and angry? So not got for anyone around me. Thanks so much. I blathered on but- you got me thinking. Thank you.
@Deb Harris : well said ... Another thing I experienced as Asian is when this concept is introduced you may go too far too firm to harsh lack grace lack gentle progressive transitioning into healthy boundary ... Ie shock to the system ... Like unlocking freezonness it need to be thawed slowly rather than abruptly ... Food for thought ... I have yet to see this address in transitioning to a healthier boundaries
After 16 yrs of marriage, finally setting boundaries. Not going well. Met with name calling, guilt tripping, anger, ultimatums, scripture to Shame me, it's hard but praying to get through it. Often question myself.
Such an insightful talk! To hear the reminders of self-care and firming up boundaries is very timely for me. I love TED talks and am so glad I stumbled upon this one. I read Sarri's book: Transform Your Boundaries a year ago and it truly did transform my life. I will never be the same. I'm so grateful for her teachings.
Great talk! I love your calm, soothing voice. I am learning how important boundaries are. They help you learn who the good people are in your life. If you have narcissistic abusers in your life and you try and set boundaries, you will get gaslit, yelled at, thrown off the pedestal they put you on, and they will project all their stuff on you and blame you for any difficulties they are having in life. Walk toward people who respect your boundaries, and run away from those who can't.
Truth! It helps to pay attention to the people we are surrounded by and their respect for boundaries. Makes all the difference in relationships. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Thank you Sarri. Beautiful talk. I believe I have a great, happy and free life overall because I’ve been doing boundary work. Yep- not always easy (going with the ‘no’s are always accompanied by a degree of self doubt and deprecation), and thanks to your talk I can appropriate the challenging times to simply sweating a bit! And thanks to your talk, my courage to keep my boundaries/self-care has been strengthened.
This has been the clearest message for me, the best Ted Talk that I have seen and one the best RUclips clips that I have seen for some time. Thank you so much.
hi Shelley, I am so touched by your words. Glad this was helpful. Sometimes we make things so complicated it is too hard too use. My goal is always to make boundaries easier to understand. Have a great day.
I believe in today's world with the competition increasing people have become increasingly workaholic. Also with the mental health movement making people more and more empathetic, we have started to help each other and listen to each other a lot more (which is an amazing thing). But when the speaker talked about being exhausted of not being able to help other teenagers by her NGO, it really started a conversation that not many people talk about or realize. That it's okay to feel burnt out and exhausted after trying to help people all the time. Sometimes you have to listen to your own exhaustion and declining mental health too. You can only help others if you yourself have the energy to help yourself. So it's okay to take a break once in a while. There's enough good left in humanity still and there's God too who is looking after everyone 💕
This has given me a new perspective. Well spoken! I think this has been something I've been struggling with my whole life and was not even aware of what it was. I've been reading up on how to tell if you have issues with boundaries and I feel a deep seeded connection with the topic. I believe this is something I need to work on. Thanks for that.
Your grace, your wisdom, the way you addressed such important topic, its mesmerizing. This is such a lovely ted talk 💙 Thank you so much, I really needed this !! 😢
hi Peyton, I am so touched by your generous and kind message. Thank you! If you are digging in deep with your boundaries I have plenty of resources on my website. There is also ongoing stuff I share on my facebook author page. Stay in touch. You get it. It's big! I think it's EVERYTHING.
Best to know traits of the type 1 sociopath - they take pleasure in breaking boundaries. They take pleasure in sabotaging others. They rarely do anything illegal, immoral yes, illegal-no. If you want strong boundaries, it's important to know traits of the type 1 sociopath! Sexy and brilliant are traits. Controlling and manipulative are too. Great video! Thank you! Please add "know the traits of conscienceless people" :)
There are so many important life lessons about boundaries. Sounds like you have had to deal with someone incredibly difficult. Thank you for leaving this note and letting others know, they may need to really equip and protect themselves from someone who is dangerous. I do more of that deeper level of work in therapy with people. When you deal with someone like that, it helps to have support. Thanks for sharing what you have learned, probably the hard way. thanks for sharing with others.Take good care.
Healthy boundaries are really for ourselves, not other people. It is our own behaviors we have every right to change or alter, & not neccesarily anyone else's. Good luck changing other people... it is hard enough to change ourselves ~ even when we really want to ~! For example, asking for the behaviors you would prefer to see other people do, is a reasonable request... however, will they? What is within my locus of control is far more powerful! And i am within this locus of control.
Sarri, you are a wonderful human being and you delivered this powerful message with so much love! God bless you! I always knew how important self care is, but it is so hard to keep up and so easy to lose boundaries as single mother with young children--- how can a mother say no to her little babies, they don't even understand and meanwhile I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. I think moms have to be more intelligent and stronger than others !
On the topic of people reacting to your boundaries, it's helpful to remember that it is not your job to relieve uncomfortable emotions in others. It's hard to be present in that discomfort especially when you're a caring, empathetic person, but ultimately they have to deal with their emotions for their own growth. Knowing that relieves a bit of the guilt
You don;t feel you have problem to people bullying you and encrouching in your lives that won't take a hint and push on????
@@lisaweaver986 I don't think she was referring to people bullying you or encroaching on your life. Bullying is not exactly an uncomfortable emotion in others you are dealing with. I don't think anyone has every felt guilty in getting rid of a bully or cared about the bully's emotions.
Love that
I needed to hear this, your comment made a difference in my day today. Thank you.
Beautifully articulated, Ellie.
I like setting boundaries, it's an expression of love for yourself...
Good point :)
YES!!!
Yes boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. If someone can't respect boundaries cut ties with them. Makes life a lot easier.
Thank you for posting that!
@@dottyp137 Indeed . Staying within social boundaries is a form of self control . And you can't like yourself if stay in control of yourself .
The best advice that was given to me was by my therapist. If someone reacts negatively towards you saying “ no” it reflects who THEY are, not you. We can’t please everyone and at the end of the day all we have is ourselves and when we do things all the time for others, we start to forget to do things for ourselves and become lost.
It might mean that they are not used to hearing no because they are used to hearing yes
Thanks, for sharing this. I share this clients that I work with. :)
This perspective is so true.
Compassion burnout is very real. You have to take care of yourselves, your the only one that can do that.
People who actually want to have a healthy relationship with you, that care about your well-being, will not get angry when you set boundries (or at least they will work on getting over it). People who love you don't want to impose on you, hurt you, or make you uncomfortable - they will be grateful if you help them understand how to behave towards you.
/Key word here is HEALTHY, lots of people want a relationship with you that do NOT care about your well-being
thank you so much for stating this so clearly! I was recently re-triggered by a friendship in which I always felt 'imposed upon', and continually hurt by her lack of consideration for and attention to my needs, when I was giving so much of myself to meet hers. she would always ask the question "are you willing?" as though it absolved her of any responsibility to take care of my needs in the exchange, because if I said I was willing, then clearly I was taking responsibility for myself. now I see this carefully worded question as a way of subtly imposing upon me with a question that was almost impossible to say 'no' to, because in doing so I would be saying: "no I'm not willing to help you in your situation where you feel desperate". so in a way, I think it was a manipulation of the 'language of accountability' that she 'preached', to justify her way of getting her needs met. In response to your words above, I really wonder if she cared about 'imposing on me, hurting me, or making me uncomfortable', or only about getting her own needs met. I feel so sad and conflicted about this still.
and unfortunately there are very very few people like that. I'm very grateful to people like that as that requires very deeper level of maturity, love and most importantly respect.
Absolutely!
Thank you!!!
What a wonderful, calm talk. I like the slow talking pace, it's like Maya Angelou's. To me, it seems to say - "I don't need to rush what I'm saying out of fear that people will get bored. It's the content of my thoughts that's important. I can be my gentle self if I am the gentle type and still get my strong message across."
Thank you for your work.
With RUclips you can speed it up or slow it down. Love that feature.
Absolutely agree! I read recently that the quicker someone speaks, even if they're wrong, the more intelligent they appear to be. What a messed up society!
@Caring Soul When you're considerate and aware of others, you can fall into the trap of projecting your personality onto others. I'm realizing (maybe late in life?) that not everyone is like ME and I need to be proactive about setting and protecting my own boundaries. And - Most importantly, stop caring what those people think! :-)
It may be that when one talks faster, they are percieved as more intelligent, but... slower speakers are listened to better. They are captivating.
I have ADHD and this is torturous for me. I had to speed it up x1.5 just to be able to process it. It’s great that youtube has this feature
both parents were narcisstic, did not know I could have needs. Did not know how to set boundaries, learning to say No and realizing people get mad when you do, calling you selfish and other choice words but it feels good to not care and finally start caring about me.
Yes!
It does feel really good to say “I don’t care”and mean it.
@@estanford826 yeah, my mom would always tellme I'm selfish when I try to set boundaries and not want to hear about other ppls problems 247. Play on my feelings and manipulate me.
same here. we are learning..it is scary but we won't die.
Well said. Self respect.❤️
I like that she actually stops and takes a big gulp of water after she says "self care" the first time. I doubt it was intentional, but perfect. That's right, stop and take the drink of water!
I was thinking it was intentional; that she was non-verbally re-enforcing her verbal message, in a way that some would perceive and others not, but would still be noticed.
She didn't sound like that was water she was chugging...
Self care is hard. It needs to be taught in the home, and I believe this necessity of life wouldn't become so hard in our adult years..we wouldn't have so many unhappy marriages, child abuse, broken homes, people stuck in careers for which their unsuited...
Truth
Well said Tu. Very often people ask me to explain what self care is... it is an essential life skill.
very true Tu
If I might add - self-care begins from accepting the fact that _you are valuable_. Sometimes this goes directly against what we were taught as kids.
I think it should be taught in schools as a lot of homes are dysfunctional
What I'm learning is that you can start to relearn these lessons at any age. As my teacher, Katherine Woodward Thomas says, we are simply missing pieces of development because our parents did not have them to teach us. Thanks so much, Sarri for being our teacher of these critical life skills. xo
Your gratitude is so appreciated! Best, Sarri
And now I have tears...
Tq! I never thought from that point of view
You on point. I like it.
Boundaries are important, everyone needs their personal space, especially from work. Self-care also means letting go of those toxic people in your life, reducing all stress agents is vital for mental health. You many like me, try to eat well, work out but if you have all these negative spaces...your mind will not be one with you. Thus the need for that YES/NO compass. I love how Sarri brings it out.
Then this means I should probably leave my job! Drawing boundaries would rock my workplace. It would either change the business or get me fired! 😂
@@dropkickmurphy4114 🤣🤣🤣
You have to love yourself enough to show people you deserve respect.
yes, so well said! its so hard when I have 'stepped up' and demanded reciprocity, and the other person just 'dropped me'. its like the only way I could receive 'love' was to not have self-respect or consideration for my own wants and needs - so sad!
@@devidaughter7782 oh sorry take heart
I have been binge watching TED for the last couple of days and I was never more at peace than when I watched yours Sarri. You are amazing to say the least. You give me that something - that pause , that authenticity and that unhurried approach to everything you say. You almost bought me to tears - couple times. May be it's my compass of self care. Thanks a lot for this video Sarri.
Hi Sachin, Thank you for your words. This means so much to hear how it has touched you. We can all use more slowing down. Glad you are listening to your compass. Stay in touch. I'd like to hear how this unfolds for you. Warmly, Sarri
Sarri Gilman, LMFT h
Yes I love the compass metaphor. . .its easy to grasp and it ties into how these people can throw you off course. ..without the compass! Thanks Sarri.
@@sarrigilmanlmft2191 : well done for being an authentic you and leading others to walk the same path... Gbu and love you... Wishing you all the very best in life in His grace and mercy 🙋💕🙌
Sachin: pray that things are going well for you ... Gbu and take care of yourself... 🙋💕🙌
Self care is forever
Self care is necessary.
i love this talk! The speaker is so genuine. As a petite Asian girl born as a youngest in the family, my role was to be subservient to everyone in the family and please them. I had so much trouble setting boundaries for a long time. And still learning since everyone reacts to yiur "no"differently. Thank you for the speech!
Hi Sarah, I appreciate your courage to share your truth and the commitment to build your boundaries. Your story will inspire others. I am also still learning.
Sarah Kim same for me! I am a youngest and it's only when I give And become a yes girl that my family is happy with me. As soon as I have an opinion or want a life they try a draw me back in to what they consider my role is.
Totally relate Sarah....take care of you.
Sarah Kim I’m learning that in my fouties. Better late than never.
Kitty The Dancer That sounds like emotional abuse and enmeshment. I had a similar dynamic and it wasn’t until my therapist opened my eyes that I saw the truth about the ‘nice tight knit family’ facade. Basically just dysfunction in thin disguise.
Random but I don't think I heard her say "um" once. That's really impressive.
That's funny. I didn't realize that. Thanks for your note.
Umm really? ;)
I would say perceptive. not random!
missmerbella yes! 👏 its amazing
And her voice is so soothing!
Wonderful sensitive, sensible, simple yet strong message, delivered in such a warm, relaxed, genuine manner. Lovely talk.
hi Smiley, thanks. Keeping it simple is always my goal- glad that came across. Thank you for you beautiful message. Touched.
Yes . She is a genuine psychotherapist .
I'm 22 self-teaching personal relationship boundaries. I had a negative, boundary-crossing environment at home. But I'm fortunate to say I am learning to listen to my own voice, create my own value system, set boundaries and respect the boundaries other people make. This stuff is incredible, and you get to practice it everyday.
Yes we can use it for our entire life! Good for you for starting young!
💙💙💙💙
I hope it's been going well for you in your journey to self-peace and boundary setting
If you were raised by a narcissist, you have a difficult time with understanding boundaries.
Wisconsin Farmer very well put! Spot on! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Wow, that was spot on.
U may well understand them but trying to set them when people walk all over them leaves u feeling even worse as though you have no rights to any, so you don't get practised in using them in the way others do. Recipe for disaster and more of the same
@@The_Green_Queen I have always said that I set boundaries in a healthy way and yet my narcissistic mother ran over them with a hummer.
Interesting, and so true!
once I finally started saying 'no' to her, she stopped calling me, and when I recently saw her again, she seemed so distant and our connection felt very strained. for so long I had yearned so much for her acceptance, that I had said 'yes' to whatever she asked of me in order to 'win her love'. as long as I said 'yes', we had a functional (for her) relationship, in which her practical needs got met, and my emotional need to feel valuable got met, a little. for a brief time I would feel appreciated by her, and I treasured this precious moment.
but then another request would soon come, and I would have to keep giving to her in order to keep her 'love'/ remain in her 'favor'. I still find it sad that after investing myself so deeply for so long, I have so little to show for it (except for sadness, hurt and more self-awareness - which perhaps is most valuable of all). I'm sad to realize that it never had been a true friendship in terms of reciprocal giving, empathy, consideration, support and love.
Well said and explained. I too have had this too many times, with the same end point. It's a tough lesson, but a valuable one. Thank you for sharing.
@@kierstentaub6805 thank you for your kind words of understanding, which help me to accept and forgive myself, knowing I'm not alone in this painful pattern! :)
Yes, yes and yes
I broke down this year at work. Didn't know how to keep up, and I loved my job and the importance of it. I lost my compass. I've since found it, and am trying self care every day.
I am so glad you found your compass. Yes, we can lose our compass. Keep going with your self-care. You are worth it!
Me too
I was the only child and youngest of cousins and grandchildren. I was always taught to respect my elders and not talk back. I grew up with no boundaries because of this and always kept my mouth shut when I wanted to speak up. I’m 24 years old and just now getting out of this. Looking back my parents didn’t respect my wishes, thoughts, and feelings. I’m sure this played a huge role in that all.
Not everyone in our lives is out to hurt us; overly strict boundaries can make genuine connections difficult!
I was raised in a home where opinions, feelings and beliefs were controlled, often times, discounted. I know the power of feeling like you don't have a voice. In those circumstances, I began to act out, becoming angry and shut down. It wasn't until a very powerful event happened to me, where I had given in when I should have said something. It crushed me to the point where I couldn't even function, but I am so thankful that it did happen! That event changed the way I saw myself and the power I had in my own voice. Not long after that, another event came my way where I finally had to stand up for what I was feeling, believing and thinking. The person was not happy with my choice, but it's not up to me whether they are happy or not, it's up to me to stand where I stand.
so well spoken- thank you: "it's not up to me whether they are happy or not, it's up to me to stand where I stand"!
Suffering can be a blessing for growth... Even sunlight can burn and water can drown but plants can't grow without them. (Admittedly bad analogy)
This talk was great and validated what I have been doing for the past 5 years - listening to my compass. It really is a gamechanger.
I have watched hundreads of Tedx. This, by far, the most honest and useful I have ever watched. Thank you
This was like a warm hug from my inner soul to myself. Thank you for being such a kind discerning person to be able to convey such meaningful ideas and thoughts. I just set a boundary with a friend who was draining me daily and I feel so free. Now I can be a better mother, wife, sister and friend. But most of all, now I can be the best for myself. To myself, from myself. This was like a love letter to my heart. Thanks!
Boundaries unleash emotion is a good quote
This is a very good lecture ! Thank You so much Sarri Gilman.
I like how she referred to 'ongoing problem solving' instead of calling it 'worrying'. That's how it feels, and that's why it seems like a good idea. Even though it's often basically worrying.
I like the way you put those together.
I have always called it that! And waa my pet peive whwn others would say to "stop worrying" if they foundvout I was actively provlem solving 🙄. It IS problem solving if I am making progress !
What a sobering reminder about self-care and boundaries. I really enjoyed your talk. Thank you.
Thank you Faith. Love those words...sobering reminder.
I have learned and practised these tips during traumatherapy with a fantastic psychotherapist. But nothing beats the power of repetition, so thank you! I adore the easy, consistent pace with which you presented the information.
Thank you! It can be so overwhelming and I am glad you found the pacing really worked. Take good care. Warmly, Sarri
NovaScotiaChick
NovaScotiaChick
This is wonderful. The last five years I was working as full time RN three 12 hr shift a week, doing all care for elderly parents age 95 and 85 who lived 1,000 miles away because family there couldn’t be bothered. I mean paying the bills, managing home care, having the food delivered, and had them on camera watching them. I also had a husband (supper supportive) a dog, two cats, and a house to maintain since he works out of town 2 week of month. I hit a wall, got sick, lots of unexplained neuro symptoms. In desperation I asked my husband to take FAMLA and help me more. The only thing that could give was my job, I was miserable. It has been a year, my father died, my mother lives with us. I can see clearly now and feel better than I have in years. I can see how I trapped myself into the belief my job was me, that the money was all that mattered, into a life of chronic very high stress. I have not missed work a minute. I have made myself more of priority than I ever have and I feel the sky is the limit.
I felt this deeply. I'm so glad you figured things out.
Ahh such a soothing way of hearing what some would call ‘selfish’ behavior. I’m not a device. I will love myself. I will step away when my inner voice is saying no. Thank you
You are worth it. thanks for the note.
I always thought I had good boundaries but questioned this having met a Narcissist bully neighbour, that has shown me I still have wounds from my past to heal and I am 63. People pleasing, trying to fit in, care taking being responsible, not knowing who I am or what my needs are. This is a great video and teaching to practice. Narcissists do not respect boundaries but it is still important to set them regardless. As you say it is essential for SELF CARE. Kept this to listen too over and over. Thank you so much and for soothing calm delivery.
Self care is forever, even healing. What a great example.
Thanks Preston. How true your words are. Self-care is forever and healing. Thanks. take good care.
Thank you so much for this wonderful speech for which I was in a big need. I am approaching my 50's and I just realized I am exhausted, I need to slow down, I was praying for guidance, and maybe this speech is a sign. It is absolutely true that if you don't feel good you can't really be good to anyone who might need you. I know I have some sweating to do to set my boundaries and some learning to work on to look after the fragile me, am ready for it. Thank you again and keep on the great work you are doing...
hi Huda, Slowing down is a GREAT way to help yourself. It is the first thing I do when I feel overwhelmed. Our boundaries are pushed all the time and it takes focus and courage to just stand by what we need. Keep in touch I would like to follow your journey. I have a facebook author page, you can always reach me there. Warmly, Sarri
hi Huda, Slowing down is a GREAT way to help yourself. It is the first thing I do when I feel overwhelmed. Our boundaries are pushed all the time and it takes focus and courage to just stand by what we need. Keep in touch I would like to follow your journey. I have a facebook author page, you can always reach me there. Warmly, Sarri
Here it is 6/30/18, and this 12/15 Ted Talk of good boundaries is as important and meaningful as it ever was. Only 16 minutes and I had a reminder of what makes life not only endurable, but brings back the happiness factor! Thanks so much for this amazing TED talk.
Definitely! the happiness factor - love it!
This was perfectly lovely to watch and listen to. Like coming across a dear treasured friend after a long separation. Not to mention the message I so need to remember and hear again given so freely, warmly and clearly. Love and thanks to you Sarri.
Oh these words have touched me. Thank you for being so generous! Sending you light and love.
One of the BEST TED talks anyone will get to hear.
I went so emotional when Sarri said people continued her work with those kids at risk, so proud of her commitment for the community.
Excellent talk especially the part about uninterrupted sleep.
No sleep=misery!
this is a very helpful presentation
lately i started to say no to people i used to always say yes to and as you predicted they became very angry and insulting to me in person. so then i realized they could call me so i learned how to block them. yes a chicken's way out but i file this action under self care until i can say no in person.
Not a chicken at all!! You set a great boundary!
Right! It takes courage to block somebody out. Good on you!!
Same! I come first..
This lady should do a podcast her voice is peaceful.
this is one of the best talks I've heard from TED
This has just changed my life today. ‘Yes and no are not emotions’
I used to be terrified of the consequences of saying no. (Rage, anger, retailiation, passive agression, guilt tripping, cold shoulder, physical abuse, cutting me off, walking out of my life etc)
Now, I am so acquainted with the word, it rolls off my tongue w/o hesitation and I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever.
I no longer please others at my own expense. My integrity is still in tact, I PRESERVE my energy, and I choose to nurture my mental health, not sacrifice it.
(Peace of mind is EVERYTHING)
JUST SAY NO!
😜
my compass has always been cloudy and i called it confusion since both the sides of a coin has its own benifits i thought it was called being understanding by listening to people that my choices took a backseat and i found my boundries violated as soon as i started college this year thanks for this amazing reminder
She has such a comforting voice
Thank you for this talk, it was a helpful synchronicity as it came on autoplay. My compass was so cloudy the last few weeks due to stress and high expectations. Today i said yes to something even though i felt my compass scream no and the tension between what i was doing and my need for self- care was pulling me all over the place. Thanks for reminding me of the simplicity of our inner compass and the sacrifice of people pleasing.
Oh that is one of the hardest ones for me, saying Yes but then going back and having to say, "I'm sorry, this is a No for me". I used to not go back MintBlueJelly. I would go ahead and just do the thing I knew I should be doing. But I have made a commitment to myself to go back and do a do-over. It is great that you are catching it and hearing yourself.
Rhizomatec f
This has happened to me especially lately, and I’m tired of it.
What a great talk! I struggle with my own boundary making, because I do what you mentioned in your talk, "mixing my emotions with my compass's yes or no." This was a little bit of an 'a-ha' moment for me. Thank you for your helpful information!
Hi Phoenix, i too found that to be life changing. It is so helpful to care for your feelings but not let them make all the decisions. I look forward to hearing what you notice about that in time. Warmly, Sarri
I just started setting up boundaries with my father. I’m almost 40, not 4, and I can’t live like that anymore.
it's never too late to love your self
Same here, and he yelled and cussed at me in response but I feel relieved
Same. It’s surprisingly scary because we feel like a kid when talking to our parents. You may feel like you’re being mean for stating your likes or dislikes if they do go along with theirs. I have to remind myself of my age and remind my parents that I am my own person who may at times totally disagree with them. I also got a tip recently, to use a tone or language you are comfortable with instead of being accommodating to their own, like if you are an immigrant family and you feel more confident using your second language, go ahead and use it even if your parents feel more at ease with the first, stand your ground, which even way is easier it’s up to you how you defend your peace!
Sarri Gilman is very engaging and natural when speaking. My eyes and ears were glued to the screen. Great Talk
Woww Sarrii, I as a man have been stuck in a rut with setting my own boundaries for nearly half a century now and have stress my whole life, your an inspiration to all of us Christian men in general who feel like were cut off under the belt by a evil minded society! If y'all know what I mean, hahaha! Sad but true, I've become a recluse and avoid noisy people! Love this message without a dought, I'm just too afraid to move forward in my life because of sever social anxiety and depression! I value anyone's helpful opinion or can we support each other, From a silent Christian brother, Amen!
hi Paul, you really stated how hard this work is. Wishing you the best. Keep working at it.
Change can feel so challenging because it often requires us to step outside of our comfort zones and face the unknown. Habits, beliefs, and routines are deeply ingrained, making it hard to break free from patterns, even when we know they no longer serve us. It's wonderful that Annie Finch AMFT understands this struggle and provides the guidance needed to create lasting, sustainable change. With the right support, making meaningful life shifts becomes more achievable!
That was a beautiful and valuable speech. Thank you for your words.
hi Fushu, I am glad to hear it touched you.
I liked when she said that 'self care is how you treat yourself. That's so very true. We have to 🤔 think about the what ifs. What I mean is, if we tell a person 'no', we have to get out of wondering what if the person no longer wants to talk to us to, what would happen to me if I don't say no. Sometimes saying no is more healthier for you, then for the other person. And to me, that is self care.😊
My father was an abusive drug addict so was my mother. They both died young. So I’m always working on my boundaries. ❤️
Wow! I needed this so bad. A registered nurse 25yrs….Covid19 took something…and “no” was never the answer. I had a hard “no” my health started to plummet. Now that I’ve been off work 2 months and doing some catch up self care and self love…all I hear is “No” to going back. I thought this was my love but nope… I’m not meant to tolerate anymore human suffering…I hit my limit of being the one (it!) in a game of tag that not many want to play. I choose me now everyday. I’m getting it together… I still in recovery mode. Thank you for this ❤
This is so true. And I just figured this out for myself after decades of painful existence. If we don’t set boundaries we are PRISONERS in our environment whether it’s at home, at work, within our families, etc. Our indoctrination by society when we were very young to ‘go along to get along’t, be nice, don’t rock the boat has always served to make us miserable by allowing us to be manipulated by other human beings.
you look so both soothed and calm in your way to explain. It has helped me to better understand the importance of setting boundaries.
I realize this process is crucial for ourselves and the people around us.
thank you for sharing these life tips.
take care
if u have ever lived with an abuser setting boundaries is a scary thing and u learn to accept much less than what you want to
Totally. I can relate with a domineering parent who blows up if I happen to have an opinion to how I live my life and it doesn’t match theirs 😬 I hate it when abusers raise their voice and can see how to avoid that uncomfortable situation we can sometimes give in for a temporary comfort, avoiding a conflict, only to find ourselves deeper in a situation we don’t wish to be in.
This was an amazing talk! I needed to hear this since I grew up in a narcissist family which I didn’t realize until 2016 even though I could see as a child that something was wrong starting with the horrible treatment to me from my mother and my father and my father’s wife and other toxic relatives. I’m struggling to set boundaries but it starts with my compass. I really appreciated this!
I’m proud of you
what a truly inspirational take about interpersonal boundaries and intrapsychic boundaries. The importance of self-care, that we have the right to say no to the demands of everyday life and our family. I look at it this way there is only one of me. This has taken me a long time as my self -belief was about taking care of everyone else unmet needs rather my own especially when you have experienced developmental trauma. Thank you so much Sarri
Sarri, You have a lovely way of communicating with your audience. I admire your way and your wisdom. K
Every soul who tries to people please actually beholds great fear of being left out. We put our energy into making sure that people will stick around instead of healing and being enough for ourselves and we have a lot of trouble to rethink all of that.
But being a people pleaser is one of the quickest ways of turning into a selfish, manipulative person. Excessive kindness can’t be your whole personality trait, otherwise you’re actually not saving any of that kindness for yourself.
Watching lectures like that strengthens the self-therapy that I’m doing since a few talks with my actual therapist. I’m glad to listen to that and find some comfort and wisdom in the comments as well.❤
This is something to start setting boundaries after years of not having any. It's especially hard with your grown children or your grown child. It almost feels like a death but yet I know that it'll set me free and give me the respect that I deserve as a mother.
codependents have trouble saying no
I have a great "How to Say No" eCourse on my website if you know anyone who needs help with saying No. I get that question lots in my workshops....so put together a fast way to learn the steps to say no. Thanks for your note.
Lorettamarie G : Saying no, saying what they want, saying what they don't want, and setting boundaries. Ask me how I know. Codependent sister.
Sarri Gilman, LMFT : People need a course on how to say no? Wow.
It's quite easy to say "no". Just say, "If I were to say 'yes', then this negative thing could occur, so I hope u understand why I must say 'no' to ur request".
ie.
If I say "yes" to helping u move on Saturday, then I will be in too much pain on Sunday to go visit my nana... to play in my softball tournament... to take my grandkids to the park... so I hope you understand why I have to say "no"
ie.
If I say "yes" to loaning you this money, and something happens where you're unable to pay it back right away, then I won't be able to eat next week... to make my rent / mortgage payment... to buy workboots for my job... so I hope you understand why I have to say "no"
If I said "yes", then this bad thing could occur, so I have to say "no". Easy peasy! 😉
Lorettamarie G yeap
I thought it was very poignant when her inner compass broke her heart.😥and yes, definitely one of the better ted talks👏🏽
Thank you for noting this. It just made me tear up again. That was a heartbreaking decision. I so appreciate you leaving this note. THANK YOU.
Thank you Sarri for sharing your story and wisdom with us in such a warm, loving way. Your presence is delightful and authentic. I remember 20 years ago going through a nervous breakdown while I was trying to save everyone but myself. It changed the course of my life for the better, but I still find myself challenged by decision making. I am deeply grateful for your presence and pearls of wisdom. I will carry them with me on my path as I continue to learn healthy boundaries. Many Blessings, Emily
I don't allow everyone into my life. When it comes to friendship,i am extremely fussy (picky). At the moment i don't have friends and i am happy. No friends,no problems .
But do u have family?
Felix Khale There is no such thing anymore as friends. You have people who use you to varying degrees and that’s it. Especially if money is involved. They use the friend moniker to get free work or discounts. I’m changing my phone number and wearing headphones when I show up at my apartment and run in and lock the door. People are helpless! This chick collared me Sunday on the way to the gym asking me to go pick up a king size bed for her. It was the 6th person that week that hit me up for something. Of course she didn’t have anyone to load it or set it up and it was across town. She offered me $10. I didn’t know if I was more offended of her hitting me up on Sunday or offering me a lousy $10 which wouldn’t pay for my gas. Of course I had a full day and it didnt get done. Typical day at my complex!
I'm just wondering if you re-read your comment or if you're hearing yourself...? because I'm just wondering how could no friends possibly be a good thing...? I understand how less drama could be a good thing but I don't think that that is what no friends equals...
Spirit Flower better be lonely and true to yourself, than a people pleaser to everyone who labels your as a friend. We are our own best friends.
I think thats not healthy. We need to learn to deal with people. Thats what makes us grow, thats what makes us learn how to set bounderies and develop ourselves.
An expressive and humble woman. Thank you for this!
watching this video has taught me a lot about having boundaries. Setting up boundaries has help me lower my stress and to set more focus life goal.
She brings such a calm, humble presence. Great knowledge for people to learn from to change their life.
Amazing talk, thank you. This is just what I needed right now. I've got to go back and say No to something that I've said Yes to knowing I shouldn't and yes it's been causing so much stress, but you have given me the strength to do it. I've always got myself into situations because of not having boundaries and not listening to my heart. You are a genuine lovely person, thank you so much x
Hi Carol, it is very courageous to stand with your truth. I have found that by holding myself accountable, I have found a greater sense of peace. Your boundaries are always with you. I love your sentence about "not listening to my heart". I think that is a good goal for 2017, for all of us. Listen with the heart. Best to you., Sarri
Same here! I’ve gotten misled into these situations that I said yes to but should have said no to.
I love her delivery, by far the most natural and authentic of any TED talk I've seen. Bravo.
This woman has a very calming voice. She's right because without boundaries we're slaves to others and ourselves. Being authentic is very frightening in a society that encourages us to be like other people, and for CPTSD sufferers it's triggering, but inevitable if we're going to heal.
Beautifully said. I thank you
So so good
Boundaries are so difficult
one of the better TED Talks
Wow, that is quite a compliment. Thank you.
Аrееее уоu mаking thеsе mistаkеs with уyоur mаn? twitter.com/bb0c5602015789fe4/status/804693412402241537 Gооd bоооundаriеs frее уоu Sаrri Gilmаn ТЕDхххSnоIslеLibrаriеs
In my life right now, after walking through my family of origin stuff(haha) laundry list long. I am at the point of setting boundaries for self care. With mind you, people who are not going to listen to or follow the idea... but I’m getting good practice. Love the compass! Very to the point and if I hind sight 20/20 life? I always knew/know inside if it’s yes or no. I’ve ignored it and now with being in recovery-I realize that self care has to be number one in the most unselfish way possible because if I am feeling cloudy, unsure, irritable and angry? So not got for anyone around me. Thanks so much. I blathered on but- you got me thinking. Thank you.
@Deb Harris : well said ... Another thing I experienced as Asian is when this concept is introduced you may go too far too firm to harsh lack grace lack gentle progressive transitioning into healthy boundary ... Ie shock to the system ... Like unlocking freezonness it need to be thawed slowly rather than abruptly ... Food for thought ... I have yet to see this address in transitioning to a healthier boundaries
After 16 yrs of marriage, finally setting boundaries. Not going well. Met with name calling, guilt tripping, anger, ultimatums, scripture to Shame me, it's hard but praying to get through it. Often question myself.
Such an insightful talk! To hear the reminders of self-care and firming up boundaries is very timely for me. I love TED talks and am so glad I stumbled upon this one. I read Sarri's book: Transform Your Boundaries a year ago and it truly did transform my life. I will never be the same. I'm so grateful for her teachings.
Hi Holli, Wow! These words mean so much to me. Thank you!! Glad the work is helping.
Whenever I begin to feel resentful, I know a boundary needs to be set.
This is the most important Ted talk which everyone needs to hear
Great talk! I love your calm, soothing voice. I am learning how important boundaries are. They help you learn who the good people are in your life. If you have narcissistic abusers in your life and you try and set boundaries, you will get gaslit, yelled at, thrown off the pedestal they put you on, and they will project all their stuff on you and blame you for any difficulties they are having in life. Walk toward people who respect your boundaries, and run away from those who can't.
Truth! It helps to pay attention to the people we are surrounded by and their respect for boundaries. Makes all the difference in relationships. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Thank you Sarri. Beautiful talk. I believe I have a great, happy and free life overall because I’ve been doing boundary work. Yep- not always easy (going with the ‘no’s are always accompanied by a degree of self doubt and deprecation), and thanks to your talk I can appropriate the challenging times to simply sweating a bit! And thanks to your talk, my courage to keep my boundaries/self-care has been strengthened.
you are really a boundary champion and I can hear how much you are gaining with your focus on boundaries. Inspiring!
This has been the clearest message for me, the best Ted Talk that I have seen and one the best RUclips clips that I have seen for some time. Thank you so much.
hi Shelley, I am so touched by your words. Glad this was helpful. Sometimes we make things so complicated it is too hard too use. My goal is always to make boundaries easier to understand. Have a great day.
I am an avid Ted watcher/listener and I found this talk of yours really honest and inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing.
I believe in today's world with the competition increasing people have become increasingly workaholic.
Also with the mental health movement making people more and more empathetic, we have started to help each other and listen to each other a lot more (which is an amazing thing).
But when the speaker talked about being exhausted of not being able to help other teenagers by her NGO, it really started a conversation that not many people talk about or realize.
That it's okay to feel burnt out and exhausted after trying to help people all the time. Sometimes you have to listen to your own exhaustion and declining mental health too. You can only help others if you yourself have the energy to help yourself. So it's okay to take a break once in a while. There's enough good left in humanity still and there's God too who is looking after everyone 💕
This has given me a new perspective. Well spoken! I think this has been something I've been struggling with my whole life and was not even aware of what it was. I've been reading up on how to tell if you have issues with boundaries and I feel a deep seeded connection with the topic. I believe this is something I need to work on. Thanks for that.
Hi Eric, I'm glad to hear that it gave you a new perspective. I work on it ALL the time! warmly, Sarri
Your grace, your wisdom, the way you addressed such important topic, its mesmerizing. This is such a lovely ted talk 💙 Thank you so much, I really needed this !! 😢
hi Peyton, I am so touched by your generous and kind message. Thank you! If you are digging in deep with your boundaries I have plenty of resources on my website. There is also ongoing stuff I share on my facebook author page. Stay in touch. You get it. It's big! I think it's EVERYTHING.
Sarri Gilman, LMFT It really is everything. I most certainly will stay connected. Thank you for everything ❤
top notch speech and also well articulated
I’m a people person too. I teach and I love it!
One of the best messages I’ve ever heard! Thank you!!
Best to know traits of the type 1 sociopath - they take pleasure in breaking boundaries. They take pleasure in sabotaging others. They rarely do anything illegal, immoral yes, illegal-no. If you want strong boundaries, it's important to know traits of the type 1 sociopath! Sexy and brilliant are traits. Controlling and manipulative are too.
Great video! Thank you! Please add "know the traits of conscienceless people" :)
There are so many important life lessons about boundaries. Sounds like you have had to deal with someone incredibly difficult. Thank you for leaving this note and letting others know, they may need to really equip and protect themselves from someone who is dangerous. I do more of that deeper level of work in therapy with people. When you deal with someone like that, it helps to have support. Thanks for sharing what you have learned, probably the hard way. thanks for sharing with others.Take good care.
I could listen to this woman all day. What a soothing voice and a pertinent message. Thank you 🙏
Thank you so much, Sarri for sharing this talk. So much wisdom.
Healthy boundaries are really for ourselves, not other people. It is our own behaviors we have every right to change or alter, & not neccesarily anyone else's. Good luck changing other people... it is hard enough to change ourselves ~ even when we really want to ~! For example, asking for the behaviors you would prefer to see other people do, is a reasonable request... however, will they? What is within my locus of control is far more powerful! And i am within this locus of control.
She has such a calming voice, good talk.
Sarri, you are a wonderful human being and you delivered this powerful message with so much love! God bless you!
I always knew how important self care is, but it is so hard to keep up and so easy to lose boundaries as single mother with young children--- how can a mother say no to her little babies, they don't even understand and meanwhile I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. I think moms have to be more intelligent and stronger than others !
The challenging thing is getting people to acknowledge their emotions and use these to uncover your boundaries