Why People Pleasing is Hurting You | Salma Hindy | TEDxUofT
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- Опубликовано: 12 май 2019
- Salma Hindy, award-winning Toronto-based engineer-turned-stand-up comedian, explores how people-pleasing has a larger impact in our lives than we think, and how you can learn from it. Using humour and personal anecdotes, she shares her journey of achieving her true potential as an artist by balancing input from others with personal goals and why this complexity can help you grow. Salma takes a comedic stance on topics ranging from politics to her experiences growing up with immigrant parents and she explores people pleasing in everyday life. Salma Hindy is a notable and award-winning Toronto-based engineer-turned-stand-up comedian featured on the CBC, Globe and Mail, CityNews and in various magazines and podcasts. Salma speaks on her own experiences with people pleasing and how she got around it as an artist with numerous expectations from family, friends, and audience members. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Since I stopped being a people pleaser, I have a lot less friends. These people were never my friends but taking advantage off me. Glad they are no longer in my life.
Good for you 👍
I'm so proud of you
You can be nice. Just say no when it doesn’t work for you. Avoid self sacrifice unless it’s for your children or parents.
You did the right thing .Good choice. UOU WILL FIND UOUR REAL FRIENDS YHRU THIS DECIDION
@@oceanrosethatsailsacrossth3466 yes..we have to know how to keep what is most important first.
I am a people pleaser. What I have noticed is that people are impossible to please. Most people's standards are not fixed. One minute something is good and the next minute it is not good. I am learning to break free from that.
Me too was a people pleaser, a lady came asking for the key to our gate so that her boyfriend can drive in, instead of me to open the key and walk away, I not only open it, I opened the gate and close it for them, when I realized that I be-littled myself I cried a lot and decided not to ever please people
I have been a people pleaser too like all my life.. I overthink about the things I say to people, I always want them to not think I'm a bad person so I end up doing their work too! It's scary how it naturally plays in my head all the time, I keep on thinking about things for days... I have a bad anxiety plus the fear of being judged it all makes things worse!!
My mother always says that you cannot be liked by everybody unless you're a 100 dollar bill
@@user-ig1ex7dd7l brillant
Thing is that what people really like, is when you're NOT trying to please them. Doing what we believe will please them often so brings about the very opposite.
She's an Engineer but she speaks like a psychologist. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you!
How does a psychologist speak?
Engineering and problem solving go hand in hand.
@@MetalHeart678 yes, but doesn't teach the emotion and embodiment.
@@Samsam-vq4se Depends, lot of engineering fields require study of human behavior.
pmost sychology is bs, biology predisposed you to certain behaviour type, nothing wrong with that
Her voice is from millions of girls, that needed to be heard, it brought tears to my eyes, I relate so much to her. Thanks TED
She's not speaking just for girls.
@@billwilson5341 yeah..., right.
Men need this to
@@billwilson5341 exactly people really confuse message.. man also going to the same issue, but they are strong to say “no”, I am upset.. also she is 27, so move on you are an engineer.. you are not in your country.. 😱
She not just talking for women. I'm so tired of women ma
My name is Krystal Wallace and I am a people pleaser. This is my first step admitting that I have a problem.
Krystal you got this!!
How is your progress Krystal?
just try Saying "NO" to everything
You are doing great!! I wish you the best!! 💖
Me too! Let’s get it Krystal!
She is so RIGHT! I am a PEOPLE- PLEASER !! This is my road to recovering and freedom.
I am a people pleaser as well. I notice that it will never make me happy though. The solution seems easy to think of but so hard to act on.
@@kikkimora you look for wrong ones, so the problem is “you”
I'm on my way to recovery too though it's hard.
i am A PEOPLE PLEASER.
but now i am i am healing this , so no more!!!
Killing it in two male dominated professions. Brava!
Two out of a billion is the same as zero. An engineer should know that
pmost sychology is bs, biology predisposed you to certain behaviour type, nothing wrong with that
Wow! That was very powerful.🙌
People pleasing is like an addiction to avoid being disapproved by someone.
If I was around you, I'd be trying to please you in everything....But not because of fear of being disapproved by you....It would be because I enjoy doing it! Js
That’s certainly how it feels 🥲
"Why live out of fear when you can live it out of intent?"
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😭😭
People pleasing is not a good way to lead life. You are in constant need of validation from others and never gain the self-confidence to own your success or failure. We remain weak and under confident all our lives.
so true!
Excellent comment 👌👌 Can you please suggest a great book to read on this topic.
One hundred percent true!
100% a green this is literally me and it’s crushing
It's not solely about validation; it's about avoiding confrontation. I had a co-worker who was always sick, I sucked it up and never complained to keep my manager happy. Taking on extra work created stress for me and further down the line, I had a mental health breakdown. People pleasing can make a rod for your own back.
I learned that teaching people beats pleasing people hands down.
i love the sound of that.. people teacher, not people pleaser
??? How so?
@@learnwithalvin7327 yes, especially on a day to day basis where teaching is done by example and when fully accepting others where they are with compassion. I love this phrase. people teacher not people pleaser. thanks, you barb? and dr. lori.
And when they refuse to learn and keep asking for the same thing over and over?
@@DiogoFilipeR I think that's the beauty of teaching a big audience. Those who can get it, will. Those who can't right now, may get it later.
The bravery in this talk is so powerful. Only those who can relate to the struggle of codependency can understand the roughness in her voice as she breaks free LIVE on stage in front of those present, online, and her parents. I cannot imagine that Salma's conversations with her parents after this talk were easy. But that's what 'killing it' costs. May we all 'Kill it'! Thank you, Salma.
pmost sychology is bs, biology predisposed you to certain behaviour type, nothing wrong with that
The problem with being a people pleaser is that it’s trying to hit a moving target. Every favor leads to another. It’s never enough. It’s never appreciated because it quickly becomes your role. The norm. Instead of being “a favor” or a courtesy, it becomes an expectation, a necessity, an obligation. When you get to that point, it’s hard to go back, and you will likely lose friends and relationships when you change the dynamic so drastically. It’s hard but necessary to become your true self.
"It's never appreciated bc it quickly becomes your role" O U C H.
Well said, thank you. I needed to hear that.
Yes. On the receiving end it feels transactional.
This hurts to hear. I never expect a thank you, but I feel INSANE at this point, that all that I do is just expected of me
🥹🫠
People-pleasing can also source from narcissistic abuse mine formed from my parents. I finally stopped this self destructive behavior and learned to say NO. Im friendless and family-less but I found my boundaries and we’ve been together ever since my first NO!
Same story as you ^
More power to you.
Same
Same! Ending the people pleasing comes at a cost but one that is well worth it.
Infinity thumbs up👍 Stay strong...went through the same. Having zero tolerance for people's bad behavior is priceless.
This is so true
"I don't know what I want, from my urge to people please" (12:55). . . "when you disappoint those you love, you are constantly faced with a lot of doubt" (15:22). . . "people pleasing is not noble" (15:33). . . "people pleasing comes from an underlying emotion of fear. . . why live life out of fear, when you can live it out of intent?" (16:43)
"we are terrified of our failures, but we are even more terrified of our success"
i never thought something would resonate with me more
We live in a world where people understand and accept unkind behaviours, but kindness is inconceivable! Go where you are celebrated and not underrated!
pmost sychology is bs, biology predisposed you to certain behaviour type, nothing wrong with that
I am miserable right now, feeling like I let people down even though I did everything right. I appreciated this video and think she had a lot of good ideas.
Don't let them make you feel guilty! You are in control of your feelings and life :) You've got this!
"People-pleasing comes from codependency, comes from an underlying emotion of fear."
From being abused by your primary care giving parent, or several others involved in your life, since early childhood. She should be a great deal more resentful of her folks. She should be a lot less effectual as a speaker herself, and lot more anxious, depressed and unable to assert herself.
“I text it to myself from an unknown number” LMFAO i loooove you already. Also, I think your culture and Latin culture is VEEEERRRRYYY SIMILAR
This Ted talk made me emotional. I relate to everything she just said. I belong to a very strict family of the South African Zulu tribe. And I've been such a people pleaser. I'm studying IT only because I was afraid of dissapointing my parents. But now I feel so much regret because I'm within my last semester and I feel as though these past few years were a waste because I know I never want to work in the IT industry. I'm trying to not let it get the best of me. Once this semester is over I'm done. Whoever is in a similar predicament and is torn between their dreams and doing something that'll please someone else please know that in the end it won't be worth it. Choose you! ALWAYS!
@Nompilo Khanyile I'm taking an engineering course in college for the sake of getting my parents approval and to secure a better future for myself. Honestly, I don't enjoy what I'm doing currently and I feel as though it's too late to turn back. Right now all I can do is to continue on to this path whilst I keep my love for writing by my side as a way to release my stress. I mean- what can I do..
I relate to this, Ma Khanyile👏👏👏
Same thing over here. I ended up disappointing myself in the end.
@@zimmiedwezekile551We learn looking back not always forward.❤
That is roughly the story of my life. I am crying. I am 30, i recently started to realise my promlem and i google it only to find out videos about pleasing "other people", none about your parents and siblings and spouses. This is so true. Omg. This is a cycle we go through. Then we get old and suffocate our daughters.
I am also a people pleaser in general, but especially to my mom and siblings. I understood recently how it was hurting me. We need to break these bad habits.
@@AmalQambi i know, it is so hard. The guilt that comes with it is huge..
@@tinkapatosi1314 hi there. Being a people pleaser Well it effected my emotional health. Got fed up of people telling us how decorate our home n what furniture to buy. I hid myself for 2yrs. Effected me. Packed my stuff in boxes n bags so people can feel comfortable. Felt our home was a museum. I was losing myself
I started watching this as a disabled woman afraid to do comedy. By the end of it, I signed up for stand up classes. Thank you Salma ❤️
This was incredible! She is a natural comic and articulate, deep thinker and speaker. I am so glad this came up on my RUclips recommendations 😭 I needed to hear this
Yeah and the jokes were good
16:47 "Why live life out of fear when you can live it out of intent?"
That one question is enough to knock off 90% of my people-pleasing tendencies.
Thanks for a liberating talk Salma
can you explain me this line well?
I understand it to mean that it is better to live my life the way I desire to live than to live my life in a safe way. Many times I choose to act in certain ways just because I think that will keep me safe and not cause me problems with other people.
Do you get my point?
@@emmanueleke4020 oh damn. Yes I get it now, thankyou! :))
I make all of my decisions because I’m scared of hurting other people’s feelings. I don’t know how to be gentle enough in rejecting people but still set clear boundaries. It takes me months to work up the courage to say “no, I have no interest in you” and in that time they come to hate me for “leading them on”. I wish it was easier for me to say no and just be okay hurting people’s feelings.
You know, what worked for me in this case was very simple but very hard to do. I started to say no to everything. If somebody asks me for something, I'll just say 'no please ' without any explanation. That's the problem. People think they have to explain themselves after they say no. You don't have to. Just say No please, very politely but firmly and walk away. Or you can say no please, I can't help you with that. You have to say it till your tongue and your mind become familiar with saying no to people. When you own the 'no', then you can choose who to dish it out to.
If you find it particularly difficult, start saying no to the little things first. For me, people used to borrow my soap a lot back in boarding house and I didn't have enough. So I started to say no every time, whether I knew the person asking or not. After a while, people stopped asking. And that was where I got the courage to say no to people from
@@moa2501 thank u sir
@@moa2501genius 💯
No is a complete sentence
After being a people pleaser for my whole 35 years of life, all of that self-neglect and resentment has finally morphed into debilitating depression. It's true what others have commented here -- it's impossible to please others and definitely not worth it 😪
I know people pleasers and I can’t stand it it breaks my heart to see someone always doing for other people and not caring about themselves
"I'm not saying everyone should rebel against their parents... BUT I AM!" It's actually not a bad thing to rebel against them every once in a while. They also get a chance to learn more about a lot of things too through our rebellious acts
Turning red is a great movie about this lol
Not only parents. Parents think they are protecting you. The annoying part is if you try to please others or the society that's another problem
She damn near taught me in 15 mins what I been trying to figure out my whole mf life. I was tryna help someone in this very moment and a voice said help ur damn self 1st. Thanks sista🤲🏽👏🏾
Most sychology is bs, biology predisposed you to certain behaviour type, nothing wrong with that
She made me laugh and she made me cry. She is amazing!
It has taken me till almost 50 to wake up to this! So, I must tell you that I think you are beyond amazing! Your talk brought me so much happiness. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. So wonderful!!!! You are so very talented and I'll be watching you rise to the TOP!!
Yes at 35 now, I'm still breaking free from people pleasing.
That was such a great speech. Understanding that people-pleasing comes out of the basal emotion of fear and that it can be overcome by living life with intent is a very useful mental hack.
"I sought out an evasion foe the responsibility of my decision" Really resonates wth me❤
My parents aren't very supportive of me and my dreams. So I've learned as a direct result of this mistreatment from them I learned to keep personal goals and successes I no longer share with them
This is one of the best TED talks I've ever watched. She is sincere and wise and funny.
She's so cool. I hope that she finds peace in being single. It can be hard sometimes when you're pressured so much to fit in.
As a people pleaser who is trying to recover… I’m so glad I watched this.
Thank you for sharing your truth 🙌🏽
We are many ooo...lol
TRUTH IS OBJECTIVE. There is no such thing as 'your truth', its THE truth. Most sychology is bs, biology predisposed you to certain behaviour type, nothing wrong with that
TRUTH IS OBJECTIVE. There is no such thing as 'your truth', its THE truth. Most sychology is bs, biology predisposed you to certain behaviour type, nothing wrong with that
@@RR-et6zp umm.... ok... lol
@@ramonalisa4187 yea, read more and get real
This is such an incredible and impactful message!
You go, girl!! People pleasing is hard to break, but we can do it! The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves (something I'm constantly having to remind myself!) Thanks for putting this out there. Peace and blessings for you💞💞💞
P.s. you look fabulous🥰
. Most sychology is bs, biology predisposed you to certain behaviour type, nothing wrong with that
I used to be one. I was miserable.
I still am. It's all in my head.
You can be nice. Just say no when it doesn’t work for you. Avoid self sacrifice unless it’s for your children or parents.
This is one of the best Ted Talks. I re-watch it every few months.
wow. wow. wow. how did i missed this video. why youtube is not recommending this kind of useful, educational, valuable videos. salute to Salma hindy.
OMG THE ENDING I LOVED IT. I loved this talk a lot. 100% true. until today I look back and feel like I have not lived even a single day happily in my 20 years of life and now I know why
So many of us are torn between what our families expect of us, what the world expects of us, and what we want-most of the time not even knowing what we truly want because for so long this is how we’ve lived. I feel like doubt approaches as you get older or have more time to think. For me that doubt about what I want, while also trying to please my family is what gives me crippling anxiety. I used to think anxiety made people “weak” and I was so driven then… then I realized I was driven by other people’s exceptions of me and not my own. I had anxiety for so long and couldn’t even admit that to myself because I didn’t want to look or feel weak in front of my family… because I was supposed to be this strong independent woman in my families eyes that was supposed to be all these different things. Ignoring that anxiety finally led to major health problems for me. I finally had to look in the mirror and tell myself to stop, that basically I was going to dig my own grave if I kept people pleasing this way. If you’ve ever had a similar experience, know you’re worth it. Who you are is not defined by how people view you or what they expect, even your own family or friends. I know it’s not as simple as saying “I don’t care anymore,” trust me I tried that. But just try to put yourself first every single day till you get that confidence back. It slowly but surely will, I promise.
"Why live life out of fear when you can live it out of intent?" Brought tears to my eyes. Amazing Ted Talk! Love seeing muslim women out there crushing it!
Salma , You are such a refreshing speaker. I am a retired Engineer from one of the big 3 I agree humor is the best medicine.🕉
Hindu? Wrong one dear. She's the Malificent wicked witch of Islam.
Nice one. I love it. Everything she Said . She is my hero.
You can be kind and do small favors from time to time. When the same friend asks you for it often this is when your friendship is being taken advantage of.
I came across this video at a very difficult point in my life. Co-dependency has been killing me slowly. I hope I come up with a successful break free strategy. I have always been aware that I live on fear and do not trust myself.. but had no idea that there was something called "living out of intent". I value what my parents say a lot because I think it is one of the best ways to love them and be the ideal child.
Love this! I'm working on breaking free from people pleasing. It's definitely a process.
"you will end up resenting the very same people you sought out to please" oh my god this line, what an eye opener!
Absolutely! ...and as a people pleaser, I'm going through that stage. 😪
I am bawling😭 I’ve literally never related to a video more!! This really made me confront myself about current decisions I’m battling. Thank you.
Thank you Salma, I have spent years trying to undo my people-pleasing programming, yet all the books I've read and therapists I've listened to, haven't been able to get me to see it for what it is, they way you have with a small dose of humour. You're so right, why do we try so hard to please people, when they never appreciate it anyway!
It’s always these experiences that are placed in our paths to help us level up
Ahhh Salma you made me laugh and cry! Relate from the perspective of having an Egyptian mum. This really helped me. Thank you :)
Omg I really needed this! I’m going thru the same thing right now!
"What do you think Engineering was??" Loll oh man..good point. Amongst everything else!! THank you!
She is AMAZING and has kinda strong presence on the stage❤
So many girls relate to this, thank you so much!!!
This was legit true and thoughtful, and but also So funny! Loved it!
Brilliant speech, bravo!!!
Young people listen, before you regret your mistakes
You can never make everybody happy,so why don't start learning to say:NO;and make yourself happy first.
This was such an amazing talk. I am Indian, and it was like Salma knew my parents and knew me. I feel the anxiety of my parents and my closest friends when they do not agree with what I am doing. And it makes me doubt myself, my decisions, my future. Watching this Tedx talk is helping. Thank you Salma! Great job and I am so proud of you!
Damn! The logic is so on point. Moving out has been a hard decision but every time. I haven’t moved out due to parent, fear, and seeking approval of family, . Love this ted talk! If you’re going to be successful, you got to take risk, the same people disapproving is the same people will ask you why you didn’t do something. Making you’re own decision, looking for something to make out own! Why live life through fear, the
So true! I used to people please as my way of life and nobody was happy, but I was too scared to stop. My best friend left me, I dropped off uni and now I have my life back. A job I love, my passions and the ability to set boundaries in relationships. Best way
Great all the best....
pleasing people could be the one and the only solution to save myself from nightmares, such as: criticism, financial loss, and hatred....
This is literally me. I guess it was packaged to me growing up as "being helpful"
Do not play nice always just so you could be liked,,,,,be nice to yourself by choosing you, liking you,,,,,,,,,,
yes, the price is just too great of living this way, and the benefits too few!
You are killing it!!!! You are wonderful and at 53 I completely understand you. I am catholic puertorrican but believe me I still fight w the desire to please everyone at work, friends and family. Not until I was 50 I realize the harm I was doing to myself and those I care about the most.
Maybe the best TEDx Talk I've ever watched. I hope her parents can be proud of her. They should be.
I almost cried watching this… thank you so much for this well needed message!! Absolutely beautiful 🫶🏽
I found tons of valediction as a young in bars. I lived my dreams in Las Vegas and L.A. and in New York. I had a backbone back then. Now as a Christian we are told not to look back. My mom is super emotional and overwhelming. She’ll say anything and do just about anything to keep me home. I’m so used to gaslighting that it has caused me not to care so much about anything.
Awesome talk. Thank you!!!!!! Now I’ll be learning not to blame and take up more responsibilities.
What an exceptional speaker who's funny and eloquent and authentic.
This just pushed the right buttons in me. Thoughts that were on the back of my head that she brought forward. Now I need to take action
This is so awesome! Salma, I'm happy you followed your heart and overcame all the obstacles, and accomplished your dream. You're paving the way for a lot of middle eastern young women who struggle with co-dependency and parent conditioning, who fail to follow their dreams and optimize their potential-much respect to you. 💕
I'm a 1000000 years old and I understand you so much. Never quit ❣
I feel so empowered. Thank you
Ms. Salma you inspire me.
If I could like this video a thousand times I would...this still resonates deeply even though I'm well into adulthood. Every you g person should listen to this as they decide how to guide their future.
Oh god. Resentment. If you do not put up boundaries now, people pleasing will turn into resentment.
I've done the phone charger thing, oh my god! now i look back and ask myself why i did that
Me too, no wonder it's always dead 😭
Love this! Great message and delivered in such a way to make me laugh the whole way through!
"We are terrified by our failure but we are even more terrified by our success"
Great talk! Although she (effectively) uses humor to make her point, you can best believe that there was/is tons of pain on her path to fight for her own voice and gain a greater level of independence. As a fellow- and recovering- people pleaser myself, the pain of knowing and being true to yourself is real, but sooo worth fighting for. thanks Salma for a wonderful talk!!
Made a decision 2 weeks to stop being a people pleaser! This helps me so much!
I shed tears at the end of the speech. What a great talker!
I love what she had to say. And how she said it. Very moving.
Thank you for sharing this Salma, made me reflect very much. This subject of people pleasing goes well beyond women that had your childhood or upbringing.
That was so amazing and EXACTLY what I needed to hear!!! 🙌🏽💪🏽
Love this! Fear vs intent. Something to think about.
So true, Salma. Thank you for saying what needed to be said.
Thank you so much Salma! I really needed to hear this. Now I know where my people pleasing habit rooted from, same as you, my parents.
I have made some progress but I still have a long road ahead of me.
As another person said in the comments, we need to teach them.
So I'll start teaching my friends that I'm not always available, its hard to see them get sad or disappointed, yet I have to remember that I'm never sad when they say no and I respect their decisions, then why can't they do the same :)
Thank you. Made me feel so good. Exactly what I needed to hear.
Her: “At one point in time, each of us have been a Joan”
*Me being Joan with a crippling people pleasing mentality🤠”
Me: “Oh what a fun reboot of The Truman Show”🥲
Sasa Joan😂😂
Me too!
@@beloncekamz2821 poa sana from all Joans 😆
She spoke the truth.......and i cried because i am a people pleaser.
This is Gold. Pure gold. Thank you salma, you've no idea you've almost fixed my whole life
She's so funny and such a great model for an independant and intelligent woman.
THIS VIDEO IS A GODSEND GIFT I NEEDED SO MUCH!!
7:18 9:12 11:47 12:50 14:09 what people pleasing really is
7:42 Codependency just transfers if you don't treat it
8:42 if I quit, I would feel relieved but not better
10:03 13:16 so true!! Double standards. You can NEVER EVER please people. It never does anyone any good, neither party is happy in the end, 13:53 you just end up resenting the very people you tried so hard to please
15:33 people pleasing is not noble, and we are not heroes or martyrs. These are just the lies we tell ourselves to deal with the decisions we didn't make. We are just afraid and codependent, and we owe it to ourselves to stop, BECAUSE WE ARE MEANT FOR MORE
12:02 how do you tell if your decision is yours or if you're people pleasing?
14:37 liberation though, is not free. It comes at a cost. When you don't have the validation of your loved ones, WHEN YOU DISSAPPOINT THOSE YOU LOVE, YOU ARE CONSTANTLY FACED WITH A LOT OF DOUBT, and when you don't receive the validation from the external world either, you slip into despair and feel defeated and ask yourself, "is it worth it?"
15:53 why its scary to stop. WE ARE TERRIFIED OF OUR FAILURES, BUT WE ARE EVEN MORE TERRIFIED OF OUR SUCCESS.
16:18 so what now? Is there hope? Can you stop, and what happens when you do?
Thank you very much for your help❤🙏
YOU PLEASED ME!
Thanks for this honesty and for telling the truth. You are Brave!