the sad part that no one talks about is therapy is usually expensive, and people with BPD may be less likely to have the money to afford it, given that their emotional instability has a not insignificant chance of affecting their ability to hold down jobs. my best friend has BPD. she's been homeless for large portions of her life, and her condition plays a role in that. it makes me very sad.
True. Also being homeless really aggravate the condition.. More traumas, more rejections, and the knowledge of being a paria, not being ok enough to be a part of society, relinquished in the shame and the misery, is something you can not wash out of your skin, so humiliating, your human's dignity is taken from you, (thrown in a garbage bin or taken by the indifferent look of someone you knew before you felt so low). It has broken me mentally and physically. I ll always see myself as some kind of garbage, the streets's scars are all over my face. Once you ve reached this point , you are not anymore a citizen, even if you manage to get out of the streets, social workers, employers, landlords, people, will always treat you like an underdog, you are doomed, you have to stay at your place, however hard you try to improve your conditions. So it adds a lot to the stigmas bpds are already suffering from. And of course, it is IMPOSSIBLE to access therapy when you are homeless, all you got are psychiatric emergencies, well you d better not let them have their hands on you; they are just wardens, and other sociopaths in disguise.
@@renacleerican7824 I'm sorry for your pain. I haven't gone through that, but I've seen it. I know what it looks like in someone's eyes. No one deserves that, not you, not my friend Jaqi, and not anyone else. One person going through it is a failure of everyone else. It's a failure of priorities, and a failure of decency. And the people who are in places of power to take advantage of vulnerable people piss me off more than anything else in the world. You are right about it. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry y'all. The absolute truth is you are deserving of love. The social abandonment you've experienced, I hope, will be recognized as a crime in the future. Of course you may not be capable of avoiding the feelings of shame at times, but hopefully we can recognize both logically, and on a spiritual level, that your soul is innocent, that you are the victim of barbarity and callousness in the modern day. Often, I just feel like we are those characters in the history books, just like those victims of ancient crimes that we judge from the seat of today. We live in ancient history where humanity just hasn't figured out our shit yet. But as one forgot piece of the past to another, I see you, I don't know you, but I know I love you. See you in the next one friend.
Therapy turned into a trigger for me. Talking about everything every week and dredging things up that we had already addressed over and over became really frustrating. I worked really hard, but it made things worse. To everyone who has replied to this comment, thank you so much. I think this was about 3 years ago and I did not have a great therapist. I'm in therapy again and my current therapist is amazing so again thank you all for the encouragement and advice. It all helps so much :)
Therapist is the reason I quit therapy. Last time the psychologist (who insisted I had to confront my trauma since day 1) made me see a psychiatrist, who gave me a bunch of medication that had "suicidal thoughts" as secondary effects. I tried to kill myself two months into medication, both "professionals" were oblivious on why I did such thing. I've been meditating, doing inner work, listening to subliminal audios and I've held a job for almost 3 years now and have had a nice, healthy relationship for almost a year. I am fine.
Thank you for sharing!!!! I wishing could stick with my routine for positive mindset. Seems I always backslide. Inspiring to hear you are working through.
Was wondering if you could elaborate on yout self-treatment, maybe more specifics, and how long they took to work? I think it could be helpful to many people that are struggling. :)
I had a similar set of circumstances... I think the key is realizing you're not fine, and realizing that the reason you're not fine isn't because of what is wrong with you but rather because you want more for yourself. After that, dealers choice (I myself am also pursuing my own unique treatment with amazing success). Best of luck. :)
I have BPD and unfortunately continue to run into many therapists who are poor at helping. I'm hypercritical of therapists because of my post-graduate degree in Psychology in addition to my background in psychology. I wish there were more therapists who are well versed in BPD and the proper way to heal their patients with this disorder. The mental health industry in the United States is severely lacking.
@@k8tina If you don't think different then you'll think the same, and if you think the same then you'll never think of anything new... Try seeking something less ideal and less mainstream.
Yes please. For booka try the Essential Handbook for loving someone with BPD as well as loving someone with BPD. I have read many books and these spoke to me most as a parent with an adult child with BPD
I think some of you misunderstood? I mean parenting when YOU ARE a BPD PARENT. I have BPD and recently became a mother and have been looking for information on how to manage my symptoms around a child and how to explain this things and such... but all I've found is "when your kid has BPD" and that's not what I need
sometimes i get really moody about going to therapy and i feel like my therapist is just being condescending and wont help me :( . im getting over those thoughts and have a good therapist but ive been flung around from therapist to therapist for unrelated reasons and its stressful and annoying
As usual, you are right on Dr. Fox. I knew from a very early age that "something was wrong" with me that my reactions to things were "off" from other people. I just didn't know what was wrong but I knew down deep that I needed help. When first I was hospitalized and received BPD diagnosis, first, I knew they were right (as I did some research on BPD), and second, I then knew that there was something I could work on and not only longed to work on myself but worked VERY hard at trying to improve. It wasn't easy but I was determined to do whatever I could to live a happier life. I struggled through so much (cutting, anorexia, disassociation etc.) and fell back many times but I was determined to be able to feel better. It was a long hard road and with setbacks but I never gave up and it is oh soooo worth it. I have times when I might fall back into old habits but I now understand what is happening and can use the tools I've learned to work through it. You can do it. Even with all my therapy Dr. Fox, I've never come across anyone as knowledgeable as yourself. You are always "right on". It was a long hard road for me but so so worth it. With much effort, lots of determination and the help of someone such as yourself, it can be done. Again, thank you for all your wonderful information Dr. Fox.
I was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and GAD at age 29, they put me on the waiting list right away, I just couldn’t wait to start DBT, I just couldn’t wait, I was suffering every single day with my thoughts and emotions, every day was a rollercoaster of emotions, my romantic relationships were a disaster, I choose the wrong people that were emotionally unavailable all the time that triggered me even more, so every time I dared to be in a relationship it destroyed me, my fear of losing them( even if they were not treating me good I would of stayed and suffered, on my good days I asked myself “why do I let this happen to myself?!”), if I wasn’t in a relationship that was also devastating, it was just a nightmare, my life was a nightmare and I hated my life....I know the diagnoses stick to me forever, it’s on my chart forever, I was so scared to be diagnosed because of the stigma, because people judge you, they don’t think like maybe she doesn’t do these things on purpose, but a friend of mine asked me”would you be diagnosed and be treated and live a finally happy life, maybe have a husband, maybe have kids and family or you just stay without the diagnoses and be miserable all of your life until you might end your own life without actually wanting to end it, maybe just because one day you became too emotional”....now I have been in DBT for almost a year, I got engaged, in three months we fell pregnant, we planned this baby, now I’m on the 11th week of pregnancy tobacco and alcohol free of course, my fiancée is the most supportive person and encouraging me every day to do the homework, to call my therapist if I suffer with my thoughts and ask for help. My fiancée knows that it’ll never go away completely. Therapy helped me accept my parents the way they are and how to set up boundary for others and for myself too. Those maladaptive behaviors can lead to real suffer, some of them, the consequences forever unfortunately, I cannot turn back time and change things, I have to accept them and just let them go....this is what it is. I’m just very happy that I wanted the change in my life and I was ready for it very much! Therapy is not easy, change is not easy, I was doing the same thing over and over without actually sitting with my own emotions and experiencing them, I needed a quick fix that take my mind off of myself...it’s hard to start to apply new coping skills because I was used to my bad ones , but again the consequences...
The relationship stuff, always attracting emotionally unavailable people and staying in relationships that are not good for you, sounds so much like me! I want to change this so much! I have the rest of my life under better control, but this is such a big issue and I get hurt and upset over and over again... But your story gives me some hope
moonstruckfaye I’m happy that my story gives you hope! We need to start to put ourselves first and respect and love ourselves as much as we can! All I know is that I want peace in my life! I send you love and hugs!!
My ex struggles with anxiety and depression (she also displays a few BPD traits, however she never expressed to me that she experienced a fear of abandonment). Watching her spiral downward was difficult, and I felt hopeless because I knew she wasn’t (and isn’t) ready to seek treatment. She’s afraid of seeing the ‘talking doctor’ (my nickname for mental health professionals). Accepting that I couldn’t just set up an appointment for her, and drop her off at the therapist’s office, was hard. She wants me to talk her through her mental health issues, but I’m absolutely not a mental health professional - I can’t help her, I can only support her when she decides she’s ready to seek treatment. Ultimately, her decisions ruined our romantic relationship, but I don’t resent her for being lost in her mental illness. I just think it’s a shame she hasn’t found the strength to seek help, yet.
Although this was posted 2 years ago.. this is probably the reason I'll let my bf finally book an appointment... thank you, and sorry to hear an all too relatable story from the other side.
Honestly, the same here, she didn't tell me about stuff she was dealing with and always avoided the topic when it came up, then blew up on me when she thought I was going to abandon her (and I wasn't). I brought up seeing a therapist about her outburst and fear of abandonment, but nothing really came to it. She even said "I felt like we would break up if I don't start therapy". the Ironic thing was that I ended things for that exact reason. To this day she's still not in therapy as far as I can tell.
In the beginning I couldnt get on with therapy because I didnt understand bpd, and I hated when they kept asking why do you do such an such, how do you feel, why do you feel like that. Omg I wanted to scream I dont f*$%ing know, how am I suppose to know answers to all your questions. And I'd shut down, like completely shut down and not speak. I struggled with talking anyway, most of the time I wrote down things which was abit of pain for some health professionals. But no body ever stuck around long enough, I think in a way, I did those things to see if they would stick around & I kind of was like see no body cares, I'm too much to handle. 🤦♀️ Now after 10 yrs of struggling , I've found a great therapist who has really helped me understand bpd and what it likes for me as a individual, because we have the label but it doesn't mean it effects it us same way. And I like how she doent focus on all negative stuff, we try find the positive bits of having bpd. :) I havnt really got to the hard stuff with her yet, I think we have tried, but I shut down which is really frustrating for me, but we talk about that and work through that instead. I do get frustrated alot. Hopefully one day I wont shut down and I can go through it.
I don't go because I don't have a job to pay therapy because of my depression and bpd. Besides, it's usually very expensive and too short (45 minutes). I'm even a therapist and I think there are professional rules like the timing of therapy that are not helpful and should be dated. Or we should receive more support from our therapists, not only 1 day per week.
The only reason I haven't gotten treatment is because I cannot financially afford it. I want therapy badly, because I have all the traits of BPD and want to get over these things that BPD comes with. I'm so tired of being overrun by some of the problems that BPD shows itself with.
Therapy has been a disaster for me. But something happened that got me thinking. I was very upset about something that happened at work, and I had a conversation with my boss about it. As I was talking to him, I noticed my anger and my pain slowly went away. It was very unusual. And something happened after I got calm, I started listening to him, and we had a real discussion. I think the mistake most therapists make is they jump right into confrontation, while the person is upset and in pain, and they don't take the time to listen. My boss really opened my eyes. Maybe the reason why therapy has been such a painful disaster for so many years is that I never experienced therapy in the first place.
I usually admire your thoughts, but not this time. You emphasized the patient’s resistance and imply if they’d just get into treatment, they’d get well. I wish. I’m 71, BPD (although nobody bothered to tell me my real diagnosis until recently, but I now find out they’ve known all along.). Oh how I wanted help. My adolescence, adulthood, and senior years have all been miserable. I’ve sought out maybe 25 therapists and not one had a clue what I was talking about, or what to do. No one ever mentioned DBT. NOW I’m warehoused in a nursing home waiting to die of something or other. The psych folks here dropped me on my second day. I probably could have had a very different life if I’d found the right therapist, but in 1963, and forever onward , how do you do that? Too late for me but I’m hearing a lot of blaming the victim in this lecture.
Ive had my therapist fall asleep during our sessions when I was 14. Ever since then I have had trouble finding therapist that can help. I really want to get help but I cannot afford it and I am afraid of that past experience will happen again. I truly feel that I need it but frustrated because I feel stuck without professional help.
I've watched and observed others talking about BPD and Daniel you are the only one that I've come across that has empathy and understanding. So respectful. Thankyou for making us feel human ❤💙💜👍👌
Thank you for your videos, Dr. Fox. I wish my mom would go to therapy. She has been diagnosed twice and tried therapy until she realized that she would have to give up her maladaptive behaviors. Since then she has chosen her behaviors over her family, and has driven most of her kids/spouse/siblings/etc away from her through vicious manipulation and gaslighting. This causes her to despair, but apparently not enough to give them up. It hurts me to have to cut ties, but it hurts more to be living in her version of Wonderland with no hope of relief.
Something I tell people is to be transparent about the fact that in some studies it looks like therapy is only 50% effective. It's normal for people to be afraid because they're putting themselves in a vulnerable hierarchical relationship, especially for people with issues with authority I think its important for them to understand the therapist can be a specialist you've hired who works for you to help you, they are not meant to be the "judger" there to manipulate or lock you up or anything. I also tell people to get a new therapist if they feel a bad gut feeling since bad therapists can retraumatize clients easily. There's a balance with sticking to uncomfortable healing settings while also respecting your instincts if something is "off" about a therapist or you just don't click. (For example being a member of a protected class - race, gender, orientation, disability - being gaslit by a practitioner who cannot empathize well with your situation). For serious disorders like BPD I think people should go with someone who is specialized to avoid the risk of retraumatization by someone poorly trained --like the example you gave of therapists burning out or taking splitting behavior personally. I suggest other holistic practices in addition to considering therapy if a loved one thinks it feels right for them. I also think we should normalize therapy for all people to remove the misunderstandings and stigma around that process. People - especially people healing from childhood trauma - need to know they are in the drivers seat of their own lives. Sometimes the very family members telling someone they need therapy are the reasons that person needed it in the first place. Family systems are important to look at too, especially with people healing from trauma who may have been the family scapegoat.
This february I'll do the anniversary of the start of my therapy. I'm so proud of myself. A lot of times I would interrump therapy because I've felt well and happy for some weeks, but then I discover that after a good moment I had a depressive episode. In these happy moments I believe that I'm healthy and that my therapist tokd me wring things, that BPD doesn't exist and that I haven't any trauma in my life My BPD playlist: ruclips.net/p/PLAf6nCaMRw6O63NwZDI7dmziwnNJeA-LZ
It's not the therapy itself, it's the fact I have to do it. I've had 30+ years of counselling and (useless) meds. Currently on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist (NHS UK). How do I get past this anger and resentment that yet again, it's *me* that has to do it, I have to change, I have to behave differently, I have to conform, I have to fit in with a society I don't even want to be a part of. The child in me is screaming - "why me? Again! Its not fair! Why can't you all fit in and conform to me for a change?" I know how it comes across but in the moment I can't get my head round it. Even now, I'm rationalizing it ... And arguing with myself I'm so tired.
I don’t think you’re alone in this but using adaptive strategies can make your life easier. Remember, you don’t have to confirm 100%. It’s not an all or nothing scale. I wish you all the best.
I have BPD and unfortunately continue to run into many therapists who are poor at helping. I'm hypercritical of therapists because of my post-graduate degree in Psychology in addition to my background in psychology. I wish there were more therapists who are well versed in BPD and the proper way to heal their patients with this disorder. The mental health industry in the United States is severely lacking.
I've given up trying to "put myself out there" in therapy and have therapist after therapist want me to fill out worksheets instead of discussing tools to help me begin to heal. Very extremely frustrating and invalidating 😑
After attempting individual therapy multiple times I've come to accept that I cannot trust someone I am not intimate with. Professional distance is important to help therapists survive the process but it's a major barrier for people with BPD. I've had much more success with group therapy and peer support for that reason. They share, I share, and trust is built through that process. Without it I can't believe what I'm being told.
About 25% of psychiatrists are themselves mentally ill to varying degrees and got into their profession to figure/help themselves out, and many of the rest bring their own personal baggage and wounds into the sessions. The reality is that most psychiatrists and psychologists either don't want to and/or don't know how to treat bpd, and the few who do want and know what they are doing are either too busy or cost too much.
Hello. Thank you so much for sharing these videos to help understand this condition. Mostly, thank you for the hope. I am 52, and have been with my husband since I was 15. We are married 33 of those years. His condition (undiagnosed) seems to me to be related to BPD. I know he knows there is a problem and we have been to counseling a few different times over the years, but it NEVER lasts long. Recently he crossed a line with me and I cannot take this anymore. I am completely shut down and my own emotional, mental and physical health is destroyed. He is about to lose his job as well because his anger has become rage. He can no longer control it at home or otherwise. I live in Knoxville TN and my last ditch effort is to suggest a therapist that SPECIALIZES in this. It's my opinion that if he doesnt find the right person at this pivotal time, he never will. And if he doesnt try, I must get away. How do I find someone in this area that knows what YOU know? I have become very scared for my safety. This is the last step I can take.
Cant afford a good therapist is not resistance. Bad therapy makes borderlines worse. No one covers that. Borderlines don't all come from a middle-class background. Borderlines are not all middle-class, educated and able to earn an living wage. No one covers that reality. This is a major reality that is not addressed. The system gaslights borderlines. Gaslighting is the worst thing for this disorder.
Dr. Fox, your videos have been so incredibly helpful for myself and I’m sure for many others. Thank you so much for sharing and for going into such detail and really taking the time to break down all of the different topics you’ve touched on concerning BPD. It’s brought tremendous understanding and it’s been very comforting to know that there’s a light at the end of all of this! Thank you for your positive and “non-condemning” attitude (if that’s even a word? You get it).
I tried a few times, but they ALL gave up on me. Last one gave me my money back and said “there is no help for me” especially with my suicidal ideation & tendencies. Then it just makes me feel worse for taking up someone time and bothering them for me being alive. And because I can’t take medication due to my work they tend to think I am a hopeless cause... and I agree with them. Most therapist around my area don’t even know about BPD.
Your videos make me feel so much better about my bpd, since I started your BPD workbook, I've been kinder to myself, thank you so much... Please make a video about BPD and sexuality, it's the one topic I have trouble bringing to therapy, and everytime I find stuff about it, it's about "promiscuity", and that's the complete opposite of my problem...
I know that I need to look for a new therapist this year, and I feel SO MUCH DREAD because it takes so long for me to even begin opening up to new people, and I don't know if I'll be worse off than I am with my current therapist. As far as encouraging other people, I've tried to share some of the positive experiences I've had and the changes I've seen in my life when I am able to be in regular treatment. Treatment is frustrating so I try not to make it sound like this easy, amazing process, and I try to never push it too hard on friends or partners, but I think if people see that the positive outweighs the negative and they hear about someone navigating that experience in a positive way, that will make them feel empowered to make that leap when they're ready.
I have a pretty extreme white coat fear. I know I need therapy, I want to go, but it's so, so hard for me to get it together to get there, and my anxiety is super intense. Looking forward to some insight about myself and maybe some tips in this vid!!
I want to go to therapy, but I have a real problem with always having to be the one who has to fix something. Instead of others not being rude to me or trying to put themselves in my shoes, I have to fix all my problems and think differently in order to get people to like me. I find it inherently unfair and not okay, and after abusive relationships telling me everything is my fault, I'm tired of being responsible for this too. I didn't ask to have BPD.
I understand, I think a lot of people with mental health feel just like you do! I know I felt the same way about my depression. But I think if you're ready to take that first step FOR YOURSELF and not someone else, it will benefit you in more ways than you could know. But you have to want to do it for you. 🧡 good luck!
I hope you are doing better. I think the right therapist would always be the one trying to fix things for you, obviously they can’t fix people by themselves, but they can try to help you and that’s what matters.
Yup thats why i Never went, Ijust Do méditation now and become aware of those patterns i created and Embrace it and slowly changing m'y perception about those situations for myself
You can’t change other people’s actions-you can only change your actions and response. It’s not about getting other people to like you, it’s about improving yourself and functioning normally and happier in life. That means changing yourself. Nobody can change your mindset but you.
I understand but in therapy it taught me to look at things differently. Challenge my thoughts and struggles and about schemas in my thoughts process that I could benefit from working on .
'The personality disorder component changes everything', oh so true! I've spent so many years and a lot of money into therapies for which I was diagnosed 'depressive and anxious'. They didn't work, I felt so misunderstood. To me something was wrong, I couldn't put my finger on it, I really thought I'll go crazy, and I quitted the therapy. Indeed, I have anxious issues, and I have suicidal thoughts/gestures, but it all changed when I turned to DBT session (and when I've been diagnosed properly). I don't mean that DBT is the only way to success, but if the personality disorder is not considered, then the therapy totally misses the point. You need to work on emotional regulation and fear of abandonment issues, which is not the case for all therapies. Of course now it's not perfect and I sometimes want to leave it all, because yes it is difficult to realise some aspects of your life, of your perception. But I trust my therapist, I take time to list everything better in my life now. Please, if someone read it, do not lose hope! Try to find a specialist to help you. Some online sessions exist as well.
Depression, anxiety etc etc are symptoms of bpd not the cause. Its the old "which came first... chicken or egg" scenario. I wish more people understood that. It's so frustrating. I lost count of how many times I have been dx bipolar or chronically depressed. I know what's wrong with me and it's not that. When I feel like someone's not listening/understanding me I get COMPLETELY triggered because I am reaching out for help and not getting it. Then they see my borderline clear as day. Such a miserable cycle-o-dysfunction.
I think today it is much easier to find resources online to guide you through self therapy (if you can’t find a sliding-scale therapist in your area). It’s probably not as easy to heal on your own, because you will have blind spots that perhaps only a therapist can make you aware of, but if you begin to practice DBT and self-parenting (look them up), you may find some relief. Whether you see a therapist or do the work alone, it’s just important to remember it doesn’t always feel good. One of my meditation teachers used a very good analogy: If you have a deep, physical wound that has been left to fester, reopening it to remove the infection will hurt. It will hurt initially, and it will hurt every time you attend to it. But each time it will hurt less, because it is finally healing. We often prefer to remain with the pain we are used to over the pain we are not, even if the unfamiliar pain indicates a step toward healing it entirely. I hope you find something that helps you! Remember-even if you could afford a therapist, you still have to do all the hard work yourself. The therapist is a very helpful guide, but they can’t do the work for you.
I hear you, man! Working people can’t afford this shit. That’s why the language they use is so precious- it’s so managers can work better and become ceos
For me, I was both in denial about how bad it was and pessimistic that anything could be done. I'd seen therapists for depression and never felt like I got anywhere many times. Ultimately I did something so bad I felt like I had no choice but to everything I could. I think knowledge is power, especially knowledge that there is effective treatment
I gave my therapist a panic attack. I was describing(not in a bad way) why I had pulled out my eyelashes, because my therapist had asked why I looked so different so I said I pulled out my lashes. He kinda pulled on his a little and as I was explaining that they felt itchy and when they rip out, the feeling makes the itching stop. He stopped me and told me he was going to have a panic attack. I felt so bad and I was very embarrassed. I didn't mean to upset him...and I feel like he has every right to get upset if he's that upset, but I felt very embarrassed 😞
BTW I like your talks and wish you would have been my therapist. I went to counseling for 34 years. I needed to save for retirement, very difficult. Some years he charged us more than my yearly mortgage. I refinanced 4 times over the years to buy cars and such. Our vacations were local trips. My daughter took $100,000 student loan cuz I couldn't help her. I quit against his advice. I'm working past 70 so I can live in my house. He charge $260 per session. $20,000 per year we made $ 90,000 a year. He was a very good therapist, I wanted a father figure or a friend. I finally managed to leave. Great therapist, just greedy. I guess that I had to learn to be my own father figure. (BTW he told me that I would probably have to stay in therapy my whole life. When I retired and made $66,000 per year he still charged 260 per session. He advised me not to quit.
My most recent therapist didn't even bother to repair a therapeutic rupture. This was in addition to her "suggesting" to me to consider a different type of therapy. Considering that she is a properly qualified and experienced practitioner, I don't think it was a proper way to terminate therapy.
Hey! That spark on 4:02 was very refreshing to see in your videos. The ums, the laughs. Natural, goofy and humane. It makes it look like a person is sharing information rather than a video. Have a good day!!
Thank you so much fo rproviding an open minded, professional perspective on this issue. I've struggle with BPD my entire life and I'm now seeking help for it. Watching your videos help me understand how to explain my issues to people who don't understand because I feel that's one of the hardest parts of this disorder. Because it's so challenging to deal with as a sufferer, it affects everyone around you. I really appreciate educators like you who are patient, comapssionate and willing to learn.
I hate premiere. If I click on a video, it’s because I want to watch it when I click it. I do love this channel, but I really hope this premiere thing isn’t a regular occurrence here and/or all over RUclips. I am excited for this video, though...which is why I clicked on it. 😉
Now I feel bad that I said that. I didn’t realize it would be a live chat thing. Like I said, I do love this channel and I really identified with that resistance to treatment when trying to address core content. That’s where I’m at in therapy and I’ve been digging in my heels.
Olya Fedchenko I’m aware of that, but initially when it popped up there was a wait. Premiere applies to releasing videos; it’s the way they’re released that I was talking about it. The video premiered live and then it was released as just a normal video. But as I said, I didn’t realize that the video was being released live first, so then I felt silly.
I am starting treatment this week. What was helpful to get me to finally go after years and years was that it was brought to my attention that counseling is confidential. That may sound stupid, like I should have known that, but I honestly worried for years that if I go and get “labeled” that they would take my kids away or try to, even though I don’t have them in any way. I was overly paranoid.
Some people said that dialectical behavioral therapy offers hope. That helped. Most, even other therapists say that BPD isn’t a a valid construct anymore.m
I went years of being self destructive. I've almost died so many times. I didn't seek help until last year (I'm 32). I lived for so long in pure hell. And yet my brain has convinced myself that I'm okay and I was never "sick". That I was over exaggerating. And here I am off my meds and contemplating quitting therapy altogether. I just don't get why it's so hard to get help and stick to it. And you're right you cannot force anyone. I didn't quit drinking/ drugs until I really wanted too. The only reason why I went to therapy was because I almost lost a 10 year relationship and a great job. Clearly I was not okay. But part of me still believes I am. So that's why we quit treatment sometimes. We just... Give up.
I tried therapy, but my therapist was so bland, unemotional, almost like a zombie. She had no life or sense of humor. So i quit. Maybe I'll find one in my medical clinic, my MP suggested that. So, I'm going to try again. Thank you 🙏 for your support and info. Peace. 🌈🌞
Dr Fox your videos and books are really helpful. I’m interested in more segments on comorbid BPD and narcissism. I have a family member with these issues and although I have researched both topics and read many books, very little is out there about this “double whammy “ of traits and how to help, and how to cope. Thanks
My BPD husband just divorced me, and then "emerged" as a new human, with a new Name, via multiple personality disorder 🤦🏼♀️ he thinks we can reconnect this way 😭 because he's now someone else? BS! 😠 God it's almost 30 yrs of this torture and crazy. Why can't he just move on? He thinks he forever owns me & I'm obligated to whatever he needs. He doesn't, refuses, won't, understand were a separate identity with choice and freedom, it's scary! 😭 He's had multiple treatment failures because he can not take any responsibility for his actions or condition. The world was made to cater to him. This guy has went to the outer limits in every direction of dysfunction. Some people with BPD are down right manipulative, and evil, this side of it needs to be addressed. it's completely ruined mine and my childrens life, by his keeping everything in a state of turmoil, control and obsession. Even... especially, after the Divorce I'm not free. He's claimed life long ownership of my life. Can anyone else relate? 😞
I've been listening to your videos all day and thank you for helping me cope with a panic situation. I'm 42 and began having panic attacks in my teens and they got worse in my 20s. I had a therapist in New York a decade ago who diagnosed me with BPD despite many diagnoses previously of bipolar. I stand by her diagnosis and reached out to therapy again a few years ago when life seemed to unhinge itself once again. Then one day in the waiting room after reaching a point in therapy where things were progressing, I experienced the worst panic attack in my memory and I fled. And I spent about 8 months in a completely agoraphobic state. I'm still halfway in that state and am horrified in terms of how to seek treatment that can be covered by insurance that I can commit to from home. I can't go into grocery stores, I can't go to therapists. I can't leave my house unless it is just within this safety zone. Do you have specific advice for someone like me? (And granted, I am poor, work from home as a freelance writer, and have only Medi-Cal insurance, which wouldn't cover seeing my previous therapists via tele-therapy).
Treatment for us is terrible and when many of us get help the Doctors straight up tell us there is no real help for us, just coping with it. Every therapist gets lost and overwhelmed. Ever wonder how we feel every day?
That's why I refuse to go to therapy ever again. If they can't help me they're useless money grabs to me. "Give us your time and money and get NOTHING in return!" What a deal! No thanks. I don't need to pay someone 200+ bucks an hour to pretend to care or be interested. Even if it were free it wouldn't be worth a shitty piece of used toilet paper. If they could tell me "Hey, do this, stick with it, and your bpd will eventually be cured!" I'd be like "Cool. Where do I sign up?" Nope. Best they can offer is "Cope". I would rather not do that indefinitely. At this point if it ain't a cure I ain't interested in giving my time and money to snake oils salesmen whose entire business depends on sick people staying sick.
I'm really glad that this is a recently posted video, as I've just had a session with one of my counselors today about how I keep rejecting every thing she says that might help. Then she said that it's okay because it's part of my diagnosis. So I decided to look up something about this and I'm really glad I found this video. I haven't watched it yet, it's only 30 seconds in hahaha but I hope to gain something from this.
My mother is BPD... she is a chronic blamer. Yet she says wishes to have someone to talk to. But is too afraid.... so she pretends like she doesn't need it. my mother is so manipulative.... She needs to learn to self regulate not my job to save her though. Mindfulness can help. I have taken her to Reiki paces and she will bliss out... but was terrified to go at first. afraid. I live in another state... It is too exhausting to be around that level of manipulation. How do you get them to therapy? Either that or commit her for she cannot manage anything on her own. I can't be her therapist.
It is something of a clever trick to play on people, to say, that a 70% drop out is a problem of the client and not a problem with the methods, approaches and attitudes of a profession, which is based on highly disputed concepts and categorisations. There is something ethically off about people dangling vague ideas of "doing work" over the head of a person while also leaving them struggling what that "work" is or how to do it. There's a whole bunch of problems that psychotherapy avoids. Like informed consent. Like lasting harm. In the UK there is an abysmal system of self-regulation of therapists. A lot of money and professional status tied up in defending what is often ineffective and sometimes damanging "treatment." A year of sticking out unproductive, confusing therapy caused such a huge tip into intense depression. This business of "treatment resistance" really messed me up. It kept me in an experience that only stirred up questions about trust, stigma and manipulation. I would say to anyone, to trust their instinct. If they don't trust the therapist leave. Nothing good will come of staying in a bad situation. Especially where the other person is using their "professional" status and the mystic of this "hard" journey etc. Sometimes, its not about motivation, or resistance or not being "ready." If it isn't possible to explain how therapy might help, what with and why, then its quite hard to get past the basic problem, of sitting in a intense confusion causing stress. The profession doesn't like to address harm caused by therapy. It is ALWAYS put back onto the person who went seeking help. My experience was just a sick mind game experiment where I was the lab rat.
I don't trust therapists anymore. I am aware I have to be confronted with myself and negative emotions and I am willing to do anything for a better future. However I've noticed my diagnosis BPD is working against me. Therapists can be very prejudiced: the things I say they'll use to confirm their own thoughts instead of there will gonna be a mutual understanding. I have ADHD as well, so it's hard enough for me to clearly explain to others what's on my mind. On top of that I continuously have to defend myself. Also I've regularly noticed therapists can be very manipulative to keep the upperhand during the conversations. I always thought about this: "Those things are interpretted by me way out of proportion and too negative. I shouldn't take myself too seriously." What makes me very anxious and sad is it turns out to be true. Despite a lot of therapy I had to figure out by myself what went wrong during my life and everytime again I encounter the therapists won't believe me. When I say I think my father has a narcissistic personality disorder people assume immediatly I make things too dramatic and I am projecting my own mistakes on him. When I think about why this miscommunication always occurs I know people won't take me seriously when I got overwelmed by emotions. During the COVID-19 pandemic I started to be more aware how many 'normal' people are actually far more crazy than I am. ("Let's go hoarding toilet paper, because when we have to stay in quarantaine for a long time I don't know what to do if I haven't got anything left to wipe my ass off!") How can I stay sane when the whole world is crazy and primitive?
I've tried and quit therapy three times now in the span of four years. It's not that I don't want to go to therapy and get better, it's that I feel overwhelmed when I do. Even if I want to share and break into my core content, it feels like I'm not able to, and it's incredibly frustrating.
At least for me; treatment is hard because you are emotionally exposed, I don’t show often how I feel (I’m living with quiet BPD, I think) and when I try to do it , if I feel I’m not listened, I abandon therapy or I start talking about my issues without being deep or believing treatment is working. I believe treating BPD is easier in practice than in theory, all you need is empathy and sensibility: breaking somehow the precept of doesn’t involving emotionally with the patient, relate to their struggles and make them understand that those difficult emotions are valid and that we have issues that leads to discomfort, not feeling exactly the same as the other person, but relate. Also, the misdiagnosing could lead to worsen the condition (when somebody implies that a person is his diagnosed and that always is about a neuro-chemical unbalance; that not only destroy the self-esteem, but makes you believe you’ll never be fine)
I want help and I'd like to find a moderated group that experiences similar issues to myself but I can't afford to pay a therapist to learn how to help me. RUclips University has been the most helpful and after years of research I am satisfied with my own self diagnosis. Dr. Fox's videos have been the most helpful by far. I feel hopeful things can get better with work, self awareness and vigilance. Most clinicians are too far removed to understand my experience and that triggers distrust in me.
Dear, Dr. Fox, I'm one of the BPD patients who was diagnosed about a year ago and I just wanted to let you know that by now, it's not that I don't believe in therapy or in the progress of such a trajectory for some patients, it's just that I certainly, don't believe that I am the one to benefit from it at all and that matters around me will continuously exacerbate even more. That whirlpool of a nightmare I live with every day - my complete disbelief or conviction in Never getting better. No, Sir - I don't know what to do anymore... As a clear example, as if this BPD plague disorder, at this point, has become my Puppet Master ruling over and COMMANDING my every move. 🥺🥺🥺😰😢😓
I had court order therapy and as much as that annoyed me it also made me not give up on myself or the therapist to say ‘why are you even here’ unfortunately I’m stubborn & after I did my 6 months my therapist decided to give up on me & decided give me to another. I asked him if I could be transferred to another therapist that after the court order I could continue with because they are under my insurance. The Therapist I was seeing said it was possible but it would be more paperwork. So he transferred me within their department. So I had such a closed off attitude and made up a whole new happy life cuz I got sick of opening up for therapist to give up on me. Plus this clinic decided to change my BPD diagnosis I got a few years prior and it was like that missing piece when I looked up BPD. To Bipolar cuz that’s what this city only knows when I brought up my diagnosis to the therapists they both looked confused. Not saying anything bad about Bipolar but when I looked it up it wasn’t like that ahha moment when you just know. And I do know that you can have both. But I just don’t see bipolar in me and everyone that goes through that clinic usually gets a bipolar diagnosis. Only thing I really got out of that was my mental health was to big of an inconvenience to do extra paperwork to get me to a right therapist that I potentially could be seeing still today. After a year of court order they finally released me and since that clinic doesn’t take my insurance I hadn’t been back and to stubborn to go see the one I preferred to see. I feel at this stage I’ll be waisting time for him.
I haven’t went back since my therapist died in January. I just don’t want to go back, I know I have a lot of things wrong. I just think it’s better if I write my feelings down verses seeing a therapist. It’s just to much I don’t want to have to deal with explaining myself over again.
I think the biggest issue with BPD and treatment is that the standard approach of most therapists and psychiatrists, loved ones, even the BPD afflicted themselves is to try to make the problem(s) go away... This approach however, at least in my opinion, is very ineffective and prone to compound trauma and identifying oneself as being synonymous with their trauma. Also, it doesn't help that (as with most disorders) the time in which treatment is most likely to be considered or suggested tends to be associated with a time of extreme imbalance. All of these can easily contribute to therapy being viewed as a hostile environment (and it doesn't help that some people insist on using therapy as a threat or a way of trying to excuse their own abusive behavior toward someone with BPD... nor does it help that in many cases antipsychotics are prescribed, many of which can result in permanent debilitating effects for which there will never be any compensation nor accountability given). When you really get into it, I think the main reason for treatment resistance from BPD sufferers is that there are simply too many reasons to not get treatment (and often too few to get treatment until things get really bad, often provoking the same treatment backing the paranoia that therapy will hurt more than it helps). The solution?... Simply put, I think we need more availability of personality specialists in order to establish the existence of and develop less abusive means of diagnosing and treating personality disorders. (Especially with so much attention being focused on autism, bipolar, and other disorders that like to tell the same story on the surface with the core issues never even discussed.) And we do need personality specialists, not just BPD specialists and such (because in many ways an untrained person may describe a positively adapting BPD person as narcissistic, when in reality they may simply be dieting their disorder).
I've been in therapy for 20 years and it haven't helped shat!! Newly diagnosed with bpd. Already had depression & ptsd. Life is getting worst. I'm 41, on a med and my last therapist quit on me because she couldn't help me.
I believe my gf has bpd and im hoping for suggestions on how to broach the conversation. Our relationship is moving pretty fast (that BPD energy lol) and im not afraid of partnering with her in this journey just want to do it the right way. Im learning ways to better protect myself and also to communicate with her and its been a big help. This also isnt some hero complex mission even though the thlught of helping her help herself is exciting. Thanks in advance for any input!
@@BlackCatFriday unfortunately we broke up not long after that post. She recently began contacting me randomly for little advice type things but that's the extent of our communication
Rule number one is to listen... the core trigger in BPD is feeling like we're not being heard. Other than that, remember every case is different (BPD is so expansive and complex that although it may be tempting to lump all borderline people or outbursts together the truth is that most are unique to that person or event). Sorry it didn't work out, but in case you find another one (or wanna pass that along so she can) I hope it helps a little. :)
And I can say this as someone with borderline personality disorder I sometimes feel like my therapist is afraid of me afraid of the way that I'm going to react so I'm not getting any help and I've been trying for years I've been in therapy this time for 4 years I'm on my fourth therapist I haven't lost one because I drove them crazy or wore them out yet it's just been other things circumstantial things that didn't have anything to do with me but I'm starting to feel discouraged I'm almost 60 years old and I've already made sure that I will never be in another relationship because I know how difficult it is for me and for the other person this is a sad lonely place I wish more focus was taken on this disorder this disorder is extremely destructive for everyone it touches
I'm really liking your video you're being very honest for a lot of people like myself with borderline personality disorder they're just really isn't ever going to be an answer and I appreciate you being honest about that I really really do kind of scary but it's still a better than you lying cuz we all know what bertilizers
Challenge doctor I believe that I have a pretty severe case of borderline personality disorder I'm 56 years old I don't really want to die alone I've kept myself out of relationship since my mid-40s because I finally understood what my diagnosis was and I didn't want to take any more hostages I've been in a really poor therapy for the last 4 years I would give anything to find an answer I have children that depend on me they're grown but they still need me I'm all they've got I'm the only thing that that they do have and and how would you like the matriarch of your family to be someone borderline personality disorder with a bunch of adult kids it's really really hard it's hard for them and it's hard for me but I don't really want to die alone please contact me
@@sarahdixon6011 I decided to work on myself. I did my best to be there for them and they prefer the company of self-centered assholes who tried to bring me down. I ain't going down though😂. Money can only get you so far boo is all I'm gonna say. Hope she gets the help that she needs though.
so i need some advice. because im floundering. just found out my best friend, who is also my favorite person (we're very close), will be working more and we'll barely see each other. which of course means the relationship with depreciate due to lack of contact. (he's on the spectrum, so calls and texting are not really his thing). and im basically on the verge of giving up so i don't have to watch our relationship die a slow painful death. and i just don't know what to do. i have no hope that it will work out. i have no faith in him that he even cares. and i basically just really want to drop dead right now. i don't even want to see him tomorrow, because i don't think i even deserve to look at him after sending him splitting texts. im spiraling into self destruction. i feel like i've lost control, lost my best friend who i love, and who loves me unconditionally. like...why even bother going on? so this can happen again and again and again? p.s. your workbook seems to be out of stock on amazon.
Guys do u ever feel like youre not actually here? Like you know who u are, but something is missing? And i often feel like i dont have emotions, and im really sound sensitive. Like im afraid that i destroyed my neurons...
Hello Dr. I had a couple of outbursts on a couple of your previous videos and if you read them I'm sure my BPD is more than evident in my words. I won't sit and harp on an apology. I've only VERY recently accepted my diagnosis and it's not been easy for so so so many reasons. I'm not gonna harp on the why's much other than saying that while I am very introspective and in touch with my disorder I have also been surrounded by people with a plethora of mental issues my whole life from almost every family member (nearly all of whom are in therapy or on medication for such issues and many various addictions between us), a couple of truly psychopathic and narcissistic private employers who have had most of my career years, and a recent ex whom I have an almost 4 year old little girl with (who I am no longer allowed to see). As short as I can make this she grew up in a broken home and has her own set of issues as well and when I realized that quite literally everything about her was a lie that's when my BPD hit hardest. The splitting, the dissociation, the hate/love, leave/stay. I'm fully aware of the way I was but what remains hidden are the things no one else knows about her. She is an admitted narcissist and admits that she doesn't have empathy for anyone. She told me she took pleasure in hurting people when she was growing up. She hasn't really grown out of that either (I don't know if that's even the right way to phrase that). I can't even finish typing what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what I was trying to say. Something along the lines of all these people have truly pushed my limits knowingly and when I had enough they can all just blame it on my head. I'm coming close to having an episode now from thinking about it all now so I have to stop. I think I met you once in GA. I was in Georgia Regional Medical Center around 2010ish. I spoke with someone who I think I remember was named Dr. Fox. And then I find these videos years later when my world has crumbled under me. I had to bury my best friend in 2016 amidst the chaos of already being deeply dissociated and trying to raise a child and work and provide and have a good relationship with the mother of my child. Was that you possibly I met those years ago? I felt comfortable talking to you. That's not something I get around many people at all. Anyway I'm trying to learn how to get better until I can get into real therapy. I'm trying. I know my disorder. I'm trying.
Im not going to therapy because I cant afford good treatment. Therapists I've seen were unethical. I've gotten "lost in the pathology" of the mental health system and it endangered me. I know Im not believed because I' m the one with the diagnosis. Your clients are young and wealthy.
Therapy has been so difficult for me, they claim certain methods are full proof and then when those ideas dont solve all your problems they tell us we arent trying hard enough. When in reality it feels like a bandaid on a bullet wound, its not the right treatment. Anti depressants arent the answer to BPD. Having simple things like "eat healthy" alone isnt gonna solve anything. Maybe doing all of these things for some people help them, but not all diagnoses are the same. I wish people took different approaches. Having talk therapy cbt/dbt feel like the only options being offered is not fun.
Participating openly and honestly is my goal, but I always leave things out. I told my therapist that, but she doesn't know everything specifically yet.ive been seeing her for over two years 😬I feel like I just need to start over with a new therapist, but I'm scared and keep procrastinating.
there absolutely is treatment for "personality". you remember people talking about the potheads in highschool? "he's not the same person when he's stoned.." regular ("chronic") CBD + THC as a PRN to crystalise ruminative episodes. intermittent ketamine or MDMA therapies. adhd meds work for some people. also - just to be controversial - i've never met someone with an opiate/opioid problem that hasn't had some deeply traumatic experiences. morphine makes most people itchy, constipated and irritable. hardly a great basis for a street drug yet here we are. there are plenty of medications that change personality - your society simply isn't ready to apply them properly because your society is performatively moralistic and more concerned about propriety than outcomes.
You bring up some interesting points about the complexities of personality treatment. It’s essential to have open conversations about mental health and the various options available.
As someone whose been in therapy for over ten years, I’m really losing faith in finding a good therapist while being on Medicaid/government insurance. I’ve seen several therapists and none of which has had a plan or road map or sense of direction. I feel like the sessions were just to let me rant and then had hardly any feedback. Instead, there’s just the same question every week “how do you feel this session went? Do you think we are a good match and you feel comfortable sharing with me?” Idk maybe it’s just been my experiences but I actually want to break the cycle and be a healthy mom/partner/daughter/human and I just need guidance.
Dr. Fox, can you say anything about feeling invalidated ?? I only get one-on-one therapy every 5-6 weeks, during which time my therapist seems kind of pressured to "reveal my cognitive distortions," until I feel totally invalidated. I need help; I can't look for a therapist for a little while, and I dont' want to just blow-up therapy in some "typical BPD" reaction. But I also can't count on an authority figure to whom I feel no real connection and allow him to define my experience based on his authority...Its setting off all kinds of old hurts. I'm trying hard to stay open because I need to get better. thanks
Hi Dr. Fox. Thank you for your videos, they are so helpful. I was wondering if you would be interested in creating a video about comorbidity with BPD for example ED's and bpd. I don't know if you'll see this. But thanks again for your videos means a lot. Take care :)
Just saying "I'm having this experience. And it doesn't feel good" Immediately hits the brickwall defense of abandonment fears.. rejection sensitivity Nothing quite like feeling vulnerable... trying to share when its pertinent.. and getting a vicious hot iron for 30 minutes.. targeting the thing you just said.. you were feeling vulnerable about.. with ruthless abandon.. Like I just turned into a demon and she is resolute on an exorcism.. To bad that's an obstacle to healthy attachment and understanding
the sad part that no one talks about is therapy is usually expensive, and people with BPD may be less likely to have the money to afford it, given that their emotional instability has a not insignificant chance of affecting their ability to hold down jobs. my best friend has BPD. she's been homeless for large portions of her life, and her condition plays a role in that. it makes me very sad.
True.
Also being homeless really aggravate the condition..
More traumas, more rejections, and the knowledge of being a paria, not being ok enough to be a part of society, relinquished in the shame and the misery, is something you can not wash out of your skin, so humiliating, your human's dignity is taken from you, (thrown in a garbage bin or taken by the indifferent look of someone you knew before you felt so low).
It has broken me mentally and physically. I ll always see myself as some kind of garbage, the streets's scars are all over my face.
Once you ve reached this point , you are not anymore a citizen, even if you manage to get out of the streets, social workers, employers, landlords, people, will always treat you like an underdog, you are doomed, you have to stay at your place, however hard you try to improve your conditions.
So it adds a lot to the stigmas bpds are already suffering from.
And of course, it is IMPOSSIBLE to access therapy when you are homeless, all you got are psychiatric emergencies, well you d better not let them have their hands on you; they are just wardens, and other sociopaths in disguise.
@@renacleerican7824 I'm sorry for your pain. I haven't gone through that, but I've seen it. I know what it looks like in someone's eyes. No one deserves that, not you, not my friend Jaqi, and not anyone else. One person going through it is a failure of everyone else. It's a failure of priorities, and a failure of decency. And the people who are in places of power to take advantage of vulnerable people piss me off more than anything else in the world. You are right about it. I'm sorry.
@@honuk435 thank you.
I'm so sorry y'all. The absolute truth is you are deserving of love. The social abandonment you've experienced, I hope, will be recognized as a crime in the future. Of course you may not be capable of avoiding the feelings of shame at times, but hopefully we can recognize both logically, and on a spiritual level, that your soul is innocent, that you are the victim of barbarity and callousness in the modern day. Often, I just feel like we are those characters in the history books, just like those victims of ancient crimes that we judge from the seat of today. We live in ancient history where humanity just hasn't figured out our shit yet. But as one forgot piece of the past to another, I see you, I don't know you, but I know I love you. See you in the next one friend.
Therapy turned into a trigger for me. Talking about everything every week and dredging things up that we had already addressed over and over became really frustrating. I worked really hard, but it made things worse.
To everyone who has replied to this comment, thank you so much. I think this was about 3 years ago and I did not have a great therapist. I'm in therapy again and my current therapist is amazing so again thank you all for the encouragement and advice. It all helps so much :)
I mean, if it hurt you so much idk how it could have possibly been completely addressed. Sounds like you just weren't ready yet. Which is okay.
Natalie T Which is okay. Classic.
I agree with Natalie T, sorry to hear!
In the beginning it gets worse.. But believe me you can change anything!
Its hard but you have to be strong and you will make it.
I hope you are feeling better and working things out. Even if you don’t feel like you are improving right now
Just broke up with another therapist I'm feeling called out 😂👏🏻 fml. Thank you for being a very helpful, consistent & reliable resource.
Therapist is the reason I quit therapy.
Last time the psychologist (who insisted I had to confront my trauma since day 1) made me see a psychiatrist, who gave me a bunch of medication that had "suicidal thoughts" as secondary effects.
I tried to kill myself two months into medication, both "professionals" were oblivious on why I did such thing.
I've been meditating, doing inner work, listening to subliminal audios and I've held a job for almost 3 years now and have had a nice, healthy relationship for almost a year. I am fine.
Thank you for sharing!!!! I wishing could stick with my routine for positive mindset. Seems I always backslide. Inspiring to hear you are working through.
Was wondering if you could elaborate on yout self-treatment, maybe more specifics, and how long they took to work? I think it could be helpful to many people that are struggling. :)
I had a similar set of circumstances... I think the key is realizing you're not fine, and realizing that the reason you're not fine isn't because of what is wrong with you but rather because you want more for yourself. After that, dealers choice (I myself am also pursuing my own unique treatment with amazing success). Best of luck. :)
I have BPD and unfortunately continue to run into many therapists who are poor at helping. I'm hypercritical of therapists because of my post-graduate degree in Psychology in addition to my background in psychology. I wish there were more therapists who are well versed in BPD and the proper way to heal their patients with this disorder. The mental health industry in the United States is severely lacking.
@@k8tina If you don't think different then you'll think the same, and if you think the same then you'll never think of anything new... Try seeking something less ideal and less mainstream.
Please Dr. Fox do videos on parenting with BPD. There's so little information about this online and it's so important.
PLEASE!
Yes absolutely!
Yes! And most of the books just look to blame the parents!
Yes please. For booka try the Essential Handbook for loving someone with BPD as well as loving someone with BPD. I have read many books and these spoke to me most as a parent with an adult child with BPD
I think some of you misunderstood? I mean parenting when YOU ARE a BPD PARENT. I have BPD and recently became a mother and have been looking for information on how to manage my symptoms around a child and how to explain this things and such... but all I've found is "when your kid has BPD" and that's not what I need
sometimes i get really moody about going to therapy and i feel like my therapist is just being condescending and wont help me :( . im getting over those thoughts and have a good therapist but ive been flung around from therapist to therapist for unrelated reasons and its stressful and annoying
I seriously lose my grip against condescending and passive-aggressive people, it's gotta be my biggest pet peeve and I will never stand for it.
As usual, you are right on Dr. Fox. I knew from a very early age that "something was wrong" with me that my reactions to things were "off" from other people. I just didn't know what was wrong but I knew down deep that I needed help. When first I was hospitalized and received BPD diagnosis, first, I knew they were right (as I did some research on BPD), and second, I then knew that there was something I could work on and not only longed to work on myself but worked VERY hard at trying to improve. It wasn't easy but I was determined to do whatever I could to live a happier life. I struggled through so much (cutting, anorexia, disassociation etc.) and fell back many times but I was determined to be able to feel better. It was a long hard road and with setbacks but I never gave up and it is oh soooo worth it. I have times when I might fall back into old habits but I now understand what is happening and can use the tools I've learned to work through it. You can do it. Even with all my therapy Dr. Fox, I've never come across anyone as knowledgeable as yourself. You are always "right on". It was a long hard road for me but so so worth it. With much effort, lots of determination and the help of someone such as yourself, it can be done. Again, thank you for all your wonderful information Dr. Fox.
I was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and GAD at age 29, they put me on the waiting list right away, I just couldn’t wait to start DBT, I just couldn’t wait, I was suffering every single day with my thoughts and emotions, every day was a rollercoaster of emotions, my romantic relationships were a disaster, I choose the wrong people that were emotionally unavailable all the time that triggered me even more, so every time I dared to be in a relationship it destroyed me, my fear of losing them( even if they were not treating me good I would of stayed and suffered, on my good days I asked myself “why do I let this happen to myself?!”), if I wasn’t in a relationship that was also devastating, it was just a nightmare, my life was a nightmare and I hated my life....I know the diagnoses stick to me forever, it’s on my chart forever, I was so scared to be diagnosed because of the stigma, because people judge you, they don’t think like maybe she doesn’t do these things on purpose, but a friend of mine asked me”would you be diagnosed and be treated and live a finally happy life, maybe have a husband, maybe have kids and family or you just stay without the diagnoses and be miserable all of your life until you might end your own life without actually wanting to end it, maybe just because one day you became too emotional”....now I have been in DBT for almost a year, I got engaged, in three months we fell pregnant, we planned this baby, now I’m on the 11th week of pregnancy tobacco and alcohol free of course, my fiancée is the most supportive person and encouraging me every day to do the homework, to call my therapist if I suffer with my thoughts and ask for help. My fiancée knows that it’ll never go away completely. Therapy helped me accept my parents the way they are and how to set up boundary for others and for myself too. Those maladaptive behaviors can lead to real suffer, some of them, the consequences forever unfortunately, I cannot turn back time and change things, I have to accept them and just let them go....this is what it is. I’m just very happy that I wanted the change in my life and I was ready for it very much! Therapy is not easy, change is not easy, I was doing the same thing over and over without actually sitting with my own emotions and experiencing them, I needed a quick fix that take my mind off of myself...it’s hard to start to apply new coping skills because I was used to my bad ones , but again the consequences...
The relationship stuff, always attracting emotionally unavailable people and staying in relationships that are not good for you, sounds so much like me! I want to change this so much! I have the rest of my life under better control, but this is such a big issue and I get hurt and upset over and over again...
But your story gives me some hope
moonstruckfaye I’m happy that my story gives you hope!
We need to start to put ourselves first and respect and love ourselves as much as we can! All I know is that I want peace in my life!
I send you love and hugs!!
My ex struggles with anxiety and depression (she also displays a few BPD traits, however she never expressed to me that she experienced a fear of abandonment). Watching her spiral downward was difficult, and I felt hopeless because I knew she wasn’t (and isn’t) ready to seek treatment. She’s afraid of seeing the ‘talking doctor’ (my nickname for mental health professionals).
Accepting that I couldn’t just set up an appointment for her, and drop her off at the therapist’s office, was hard. She wants me to talk her through her mental health issues, but I’m absolutely not a mental health professional - I can’t help her, I can only support her when she decides she’s ready to seek treatment.
Ultimately, her decisions ruined our romantic relationship, but I don’t resent her for being lost in her mental illness. I just think it’s a shame she hasn’t found the strength to seek help, yet.
Although this was posted 2 years ago.. this is probably the reason I'll let my bf finally book an appointment... thank you, and sorry to hear an all too relatable story from the other side.
Honestly, the same here, she didn't tell me about stuff she was dealing with and always avoided the topic when it came up, then blew up on me when she thought I was going to abandon her (and I wasn't). I brought up seeing a therapist about her outburst and fear of abandonment, but nothing really came to it. She even said "I felt like we would break up if I don't start therapy". the Ironic thing was that I ended things for that exact reason. To this day she's still not in therapy as far as I can tell.
8 hours with you sounds magnificent.
In the beginning I couldnt get on with therapy because I didnt understand bpd, and I hated when they kept asking why do you do such an such, how do you feel, why do you feel like that. Omg I wanted to scream I dont f*$%ing know, how am I suppose to know answers to all your questions. And I'd shut down, like completely shut down and not speak.
I struggled with talking anyway, most of the time I wrote down things which was abit of pain for some health professionals.
But no body ever stuck around long enough, I think in a way, I did those things to see if they would stick around & I kind of was like see no body cares, I'm too much to handle. 🤦♀️
Now after 10 yrs of struggling , I've found a great therapist who has really helped me understand bpd and what it likes for me as a individual, because we have the label but it doesn't mean it effects it us same way.
And I like how she doent focus on all negative stuff, we try find the positive bits of having bpd. :)
I havnt really got to the hard stuff with her yet, I think we have tried, but I shut down which is really frustrating for me, but we talk about that and work through that instead. I do get frustrated alot. Hopefully one day I wont shut down and I can go through it.
I don't go because I don't have a job to pay therapy because of my depression and bpd. Besides, it's usually very expensive and too short (45 minutes). I'm even a therapist and I think there are professional rules like the timing of therapy that are not helpful and should be dated. Or we should receive more support from our therapists, not only 1 day per week.
The only reason I haven't gotten treatment is because I cannot financially afford it. I want therapy badly, because I have all the traits of BPD and want to get over these things that BPD comes with. I'm so tired of being overrun by some of the problems that BPD shows itself with.
Therapy has been a disaster for me. But something happened that got me thinking. I was very upset about something that happened at work, and I had a conversation with my boss about it. As I was talking to him, I noticed my anger and my pain slowly went away. It was very unusual. And something happened after I got calm, I started listening to him, and we had a real discussion.
I think the mistake most therapists make is they jump right into confrontation, while the person is upset and in pain, and they don't take the time to listen. My boss really opened my eyes. Maybe the reason why therapy has been such a painful disaster for so many years is that I never experienced therapy in the first place.
I usually admire your thoughts, but not this time. You emphasized the patient’s resistance and imply if they’d just get into treatment, they’d get well. I wish. I’m 71, BPD (although nobody bothered to tell me my real diagnosis until recently, but I now find out they’ve known all along.). Oh how I wanted help. My adolescence, adulthood, and senior years have all been miserable. I’ve sought out maybe 25 therapists and not one had a clue what I was talking about, or what to do. No one ever mentioned DBT. NOW I’m warehoused in a nursing home waiting to die of something or other. The psych folks here dropped me on my second day. I probably could have had a very different life if I’d found the right therapist, but in 1963, and forever onward , how do you do that? Too late for me but I’m hearing a lot of blaming the victim in this lecture.
Ive had my therapist fall asleep during our sessions when I was 14. Ever since then I have had trouble finding therapist that can help. I really want to get help but I cannot afford it and I am afraid of that past experience will happen again. I truly feel that I need it but frustrated because I feel stuck without professional help.
I've watched and observed others talking about BPD and Daniel you are the only one that I've come across that has empathy and understanding. So respectful. Thankyou for making us feel human ❤💙💜👍👌
Thank you for your videos, Dr. Fox. I wish my mom would go to therapy. She has been diagnosed twice and tried therapy until she realized that she would have to give up her maladaptive behaviors. Since then she has chosen her behaviors over her family, and has driven most of her kids/spouse/siblings/etc away from her through vicious manipulation and gaslighting. This causes her to despair, but apparently not enough to give them up. It hurts me to have to cut ties, but it hurts more to be living in her version of Wonderland with no hope of relief.
Don't think that you need to save her, especially if she refuses to see. Exactly as doc says. She has to be ready.
Ohhh same my mother is so manipulative.... She needs to learn to self regulate not my job to save her though.
Something I tell people is to be transparent about the fact that in some studies it looks like therapy is only 50% effective. It's normal for people to be afraid because they're putting themselves in a vulnerable hierarchical relationship, especially for people with issues with authority I think its important for them to understand the therapist can be a specialist you've hired who works for you to help you, they are not meant to be the "judger" there to manipulate or lock you up or anything.
I also tell people to get a new therapist if they feel a bad gut feeling since bad therapists can retraumatize clients easily. There's a balance with sticking to uncomfortable healing settings while also respecting your instincts if something is "off" about a therapist or you just don't click. (For example being a member of a protected class - race, gender, orientation, disability - being gaslit by a practitioner who cannot empathize well with your situation).
For serious disorders like BPD I think people should go with someone who is specialized to avoid the risk of retraumatization by someone poorly trained --like the example you gave of therapists burning out or taking splitting behavior personally. I suggest other holistic practices in addition to considering therapy if a loved one thinks it feels right for them. I also think we should normalize therapy for all people to remove the misunderstandings and stigma around that process.
People - especially people healing from childhood trauma - need to know they are in the drivers seat of their own lives. Sometimes the very family members telling someone they need therapy are the reasons that person needed it in the first place. Family systems are important to look at too, especially with people healing from trauma who may have been the family scapegoat.
Thank you for your insightful comments. I wish you all the best.
My therapists keep leaving me...
Joe Central-O An excellent line lost on the people here.
My last one did too
This february I'll do the anniversary of the start of my therapy. I'm so proud of myself. A lot of times I would interrump therapy because I've felt well and happy for some weeks, but then I discover that after a good moment I had a depressive episode. In these happy moments I believe that I'm healthy and that my therapist tokd me wring things, that BPD doesn't exist and that I haven't any trauma in my life
My BPD playlist: ruclips.net/p/PLAf6nCaMRw6O63NwZDI7dmziwnNJeA-LZ
It's not the therapy itself, it's the fact I have to do it.
I've had 30+ years of counselling and (useless) meds. Currently on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist (NHS UK). How do I get past this anger and resentment that yet again, it's *me* that has to do it, I have to change, I have to behave differently, I have to conform, I have to fit in with a society I don't even want to be a part of. The child in me is screaming - "why me? Again! Its not fair! Why can't you all fit in and conform to me for a change?"
I know how it comes across but in the moment I can't get my head round it. Even now, I'm rationalizing it ... And arguing with myself
I'm so tired.
I don’t think you’re alone in this but using adaptive strategies can make your life easier. Remember, you don’t have to confirm 100%. It’s not an all or nothing scale. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox thank you Dr Fox.
I have BPD and unfortunately continue to run into many therapists who are poor at helping. I'm hypercritical of therapists because of my post-graduate degree in Psychology in addition to my background in psychology. I wish there were more therapists who are well versed in BPD and the proper way to heal their patients with this disorder. The mental health industry in the United States is severely lacking.
I've given up trying to "put myself out there" in therapy and have therapist after therapist want me to fill out worksheets instead of discussing tools to help me begin to heal. Very extremely frustrating and invalidating 😑
After attempting individual therapy multiple times I've come to accept that I cannot trust someone I am not intimate with. Professional distance is important to help therapists survive the process but it's a major barrier for people with BPD. I've had much more success with group therapy and peer support for that reason. They share, I share, and trust is built through that process. Without it I can't believe what I'm being told.
About 25% of psychiatrists are themselves mentally ill to varying degrees and got into their profession to figure/help themselves out, and many of the rest bring their own personal baggage and wounds into the sessions. The reality is that most psychiatrists and psychologists either don't want to and/or don't know how to treat bpd, and the few who do want and know what they are doing are either too busy or cost too much.
Hello. Thank you so much for sharing these videos to help understand this condition. Mostly, thank you for the hope. I am 52, and have been with my husband since I was 15. We are married 33 of those years. His condition (undiagnosed) seems to me to be related to BPD. I know he knows there is a problem and we have been to counseling a few different times over the years, but it NEVER lasts long. Recently he crossed a line with me and I cannot take this anymore. I am completely shut down and my own emotional, mental and physical health is destroyed. He is about to lose his job as well because his anger has become rage. He can no longer control it at home or otherwise. I live in Knoxville TN and my last ditch effort is to suggest a therapist that SPECIALIZES in this. It's my opinion that if he doesnt find the right person at this pivotal time, he never will. And if he doesnt try, I must get away. How do I find someone in this area that knows what YOU know? I have become very scared for my safety. This is the last step I can take.
Cant afford a good therapist is not resistance. Bad therapy makes borderlines worse. No one covers that. Borderlines don't all come from a middle-class background. Borderlines are not all middle-class, educated and able to earn an living wage. No one covers that reality. This is a major reality that is not addressed. The system gaslights borderlines. Gaslighting is the worst thing for this disorder.
$$$$$$$$$$🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 Thats what these therapists want
Dr. Fox, your videos have been so incredibly helpful for myself and I’m sure for many others. Thank you so much for sharing and for going into such detail and really taking the time to break down all of the different topics you’ve touched on concerning BPD. It’s brought tremendous understanding and it’s been very comforting to know that there’s a light at the end of all of this! Thank you for your positive and “non-condemning” attitude (if that’s even a word? You get it).
I tried a few times, but they ALL gave up on me. Last one gave me my money back and said “there is no help for me” especially with my suicidal ideation & tendencies. Then it just makes me feel worse for taking up someone time and bothering them for me being alive. And because I can’t take medication due to my work they tend to think I am a hopeless cause... and I agree with them. Most therapist around my area don’t even know about BPD.
There are workbooks and manuals you can try on your own that may help you learn skills to manage your issues better. I wish you well.
Your videos make me feel so much better about my bpd, since I started your BPD workbook, I've been kinder to myself, thank you so much... Please make a video about BPD and sexuality, it's the one topic I have trouble bringing to therapy, and everytime I find stuff about it, it's about "promiscuity", and that's the complete opposite of my problem...
🦊👍
I know that I need to look for a new therapist this year, and I feel SO MUCH DREAD because it takes so long for me to even begin opening up to new people, and I don't know if I'll be worse off than I am with my current therapist.
As far as encouraging other people, I've tried to share some of the positive experiences I've had and the changes I've seen in my life when I am able to be in regular treatment. Treatment is frustrating so I try not to make it sound like this easy, amazing process, and I try to never push it too hard on friends or partners, but I think if people see that the positive outweighs the negative and they hear about someone navigating that experience in a positive way, that will make them feel empowered to make that leap when they're ready.
Well...privacy and patient rights are an issue. Being treated like an object is not pleasing. TRUST
I have a pretty extreme white coat fear. I know I need therapy, I want to go, but it's so, so hard for me to get it together to get there, and my anxiety is super intense. Looking forward to some insight about myself and maybe some tips in this vid!!
I want to go to therapy, but I have a real problem with always having to be the one who has to fix something. Instead of others not being rude to me or trying to put themselves in my shoes, I have to fix all my problems and think differently in order to get people to like me.
I find it inherently unfair and not okay, and after abusive relationships telling me everything is my fault, I'm tired of being responsible for this too. I didn't ask to have BPD.
I understand, I think a lot of people with mental health feel just like you do! I know I felt the same way about my depression. But I think if you're ready to take that first step FOR YOURSELF and not someone else, it will benefit you in more ways than you could know. But you have to want to do it for you. 🧡 good luck!
I hope you are doing better. I think the right therapist would always be the one trying to fix things for you, obviously they can’t fix people by themselves, but they can try to help you and that’s what matters.
Yup thats why i Never went, Ijust Do méditation now and become aware of those patterns i created and Embrace it and slowly changing m'y perception about those situations for myself
You can’t change other people’s actions-you can only change your actions and response. It’s not about getting other people to like you, it’s about improving yourself and functioning normally and happier in life. That means changing yourself. Nobody can change your mindset but you.
I understand but in therapy it taught me to look at things differently. Challenge my thoughts and struggles and about schemas in my thoughts process that I could benefit from working on .
'The personality disorder component changes everything', oh so true! I've spent so many years and a lot of money into therapies for which I was diagnosed 'depressive and anxious'. They didn't work, I felt so misunderstood. To me something was wrong, I couldn't put my finger on it, I really thought I'll go crazy, and I quitted the therapy. Indeed, I have anxious issues, and I have suicidal thoughts/gestures, but it all changed when I turned to DBT session (and when I've been diagnosed properly). I don't mean that DBT is the only way to success, but if the personality disorder is not considered, then the therapy totally misses the point. You need to work on emotional regulation and fear of abandonment issues, which is not the case for all therapies.
Of course now it's not perfect and I sometimes want to leave it all, because yes it is difficult to realise some aspects of your life, of your perception. But I trust my therapist, I take time to list everything better in my life now.
Please, if someone read it, do not lose hope! Try to find a specialist to help you. Some online sessions exist as well.
Depression, anxiety etc etc are symptoms of bpd not the cause. Its the old "which came first... chicken or egg" scenario. I wish more people understood that. It's so frustrating. I lost count of how many times I have been dx bipolar or chronically depressed. I know what's wrong with me and it's not that. When I feel like someone's not listening/understanding me I get COMPLETELY triggered because I am reaching out for help and not getting it. Then they see my borderline clear as day. Such a miserable cycle-o-dysfunction.
I'm not going to therapy because I simply cannot afford it. That's it. I hardly manage to pay my bills.
Same and also the commute is more stress inducing than just resolving the conflict in the session itself.
I think today it is much easier to find resources online to guide you through self therapy (if you can’t find a sliding-scale therapist in your area). It’s probably not as easy to heal on your own, because you will have blind spots that perhaps only a therapist can make you aware of, but if you begin to practice DBT and self-parenting (look them up), you may find some relief.
Whether you see a therapist or do the work alone, it’s just important to remember it doesn’t always feel good. One of my meditation teachers used a very good analogy: If you have a deep, physical wound that has been left to fester, reopening it to remove the infection will hurt. It will hurt initially, and it will hurt every time you attend to it. But each time it will hurt less, because it is finally healing. We often prefer to remain with the pain we are used to over the pain we are not, even if the unfamiliar pain indicates a step toward healing it entirely.
I hope you find something that helps you! Remember-even if you could afford a therapist, you still have to do all the hard work yourself. The therapist is a very helpful guide, but they can’t do the work for you.
@BPD World how? if I may
I hear you, man! Working people can’t afford this shit. That’s why the language they use is so precious- it’s so managers can work better and become ceos
For me, I was both in denial about how bad it was and pessimistic that anything could be done. I'd seen therapists for depression and never felt like I got anywhere many times.
Ultimately I did something so bad I felt like I had no choice but to everything I could.
I think knowledge is power, especially knowledge that there is effective treatment
I gave my therapist a panic attack. I was describing(not in a bad way) why I had pulled out my eyelashes, because my therapist had asked why I looked so different so I said I pulled out my lashes. He kinda pulled on his a little and as I was explaining that they felt itchy and when they rip out, the feeling makes the itching stop. He stopped me and told me he was going to have a panic attack. I felt so bad and I was very embarrassed. I didn't mean to upset him...and I feel like he has every right to get upset if he's that upset, but I felt very embarrassed 😞
BTW I like your talks and wish you would have been my therapist. I went to counseling for 34 years. I needed to save for retirement, very difficult. Some years he charged us more than my yearly mortgage. I refinanced 4 times over the years to buy cars and such. Our vacations were local trips. My daughter took $100,000 student loan cuz I couldn't help her. I quit against his advice. I'm working past 70 so I can live in my house. He charge $260 per session. $20,000 per year we made $ 90,000 a year. He was a very good therapist, I wanted a father figure or a friend. I finally managed to leave. Great therapist, just greedy. I guess that I had to learn to be my own father figure. (BTW he told me that I would probably have to stay in therapy my whole life. When I retired and made $66,000 per year he still charged 260 per session. He advised me not to quit.
My most recent therapist didn't even bother to repair a therapeutic rupture. This was in addition to her "suggesting" to me to consider a different type of therapy. Considering that she is a properly qualified and experienced practitioner, I don't think it was a proper way to terminate therapy.
Thankyou Daniel fox you have been very helpful your compassionate approach must be a big part of your success.
“You may have to say that 100 times.” ... 🙂 ... yep.
Hey! That spark on 4:02 was very refreshing to see in your videos. The ums, the laughs. Natural, goofy and humane. It makes it look like a person is sharing information rather than a video. Have a good day!!
Im having a strong resistence right now.
Update: im going to therapy and curently taking medication
Good for you! I wish you the best of luck in the process. I'm confident you'll do great.
Thank you so much fo rproviding an open minded, professional perspective on this issue. I've struggle with BPD my entire life and I'm now seeking help for it. Watching your videos help me understand how to explain my issues to people who don't understand because I feel that's one of the hardest parts of this disorder. Because it's so challenging to deal with as a sufferer, it affects everyone around you. I really appreciate educators like you who are patient, comapssionate and willing to learn.
Sorry for the typos lol, don't have my contacts in
I hate premiere. If I click on a video, it’s because I want to watch it when I click it. I do love this channel, but I really hope this premiere thing isn’t a regular occurrence here and/or all over RUclips. I am excited for this video, though...which is why I clicked on it. 😉
Thanks for the feedback 🦊👍
Now I feel bad that I said that. I didn’t realize it would be a live chat thing. Like I said, I do love this channel and I really identified with that resistance to treatment when trying to address core content. That’s where I’m at in therapy and I’ve been digging in my heels.
I believe the video will be available at any time
Olya Fedchenko I’m aware of that, but initially when it popped up there was a wait. Premiere applies to releasing videos; it’s the way they’re released that I was talking about it. The video premiered live and then it was released as just a normal video. But as I said, I didn’t realize that the video was being released live first, so then I felt silly.
Thank you, Dr. O neede to hear this today. I won't beg him to go to therapy anymore.
It is what it is.
And I'm exhausted.
I quit.
I am starting treatment this week. What was helpful to get me to finally go after years and years was that it was brought to my attention that counseling is confidential. That may sound stupid, like I should have known that, but I honestly worried for years that if I go and get “labeled” that they would take my kids away or try to, even though I don’t have them in any way. I was overly paranoid.
I meant to say, I don’t harm* them in any way.
How is it going, 4 years later. Do you still have your kids?
Some people said that dialectical behavioral therapy offers hope. That helped. Most, even other therapists say that BPD isn’t a a valid construct anymore.m
I went years of being self destructive. I've almost died so many times. I didn't seek help until last year (I'm 32). I lived for so long in pure hell. And yet my brain has convinced myself that I'm okay and I was never "sick". That I was over exaggerating. And here I am off my meds and contemplating quitting therapy altogether. I just don't get why it's so hard to get help and stick to it. And you're right you cannot force anyone. I didn't quit drinking/ drugs until I really wanted too. The only reason why I went to therapy was because I almost lost a 10 year relationship and a great job. Clearly I was not okay. But part of me still believes I am. So that's why we quit treatment sometimes. We just... Give up.
I tried therapy, but my therapist was so bland, unemotional, almost like a zombie. She had no life or sense of humor. So i quit. Maybe I'll find one in my medical clinic, my MP suggested that. So, I'm going to try again. Thank you 🙏 for your support and info. Peace. 🌈🌞
You have a really nice calming voice. :)
That's really funny because one of my firsts thoughts of 2020 was stop going to therapy
Thank you for these videos. Thank you.
Dr Fox your videos and books are really helpful. I’m interested in more segments on comorbid BPD and narcissism.
I have a family member with these issues and although I have researched both topics and read many books, very little is out there about this “double whammy “ of traits and how to help, and how to cope. Thanks
My BPD husband just divorced me, and then "emerged" as a new human, with a new Name, via multiple personality disorder 🤦🏼♀️ he thinks we can reconnect this way 😭 because he's now someone else? BS! 😠 God it's almost 30 yrs of this torture and crazy. Why can't he just move on? He thinks he forever owns me & I'm obligated to whatever he needs. He doesn't, refuses, won't, understand were a separate identity with choice and freedom, it's scary! 😭 He's had multiple treatment failures because he can not take any responsibility for his actions or condition. The world was made to cater to him. This guy has went to the outer limits in every direction of dysfunction. Some people with BPD are down right manipulative, and evil, this side of it needs to be addressed. it's completely ruined mine and my childrens life, by his keeping everything in a state of turmoil, control and obsession. Even... especially, after the Divorce I'm not free. He's claimed life long ownership of my life. Can anyone else relate? 😞
I feel like i just got the answer to life, man. Thanks.
I've been listening to your videos all day and thank you for helping me cope with a panic situation. I'm 42 and began having panic attacks in my teens and they got worse in my 20s. I had a therapist in New York a decade ago who diagnosed me with BPD despite many diagnoses previously of bipolar. I stand by her diagnosis and reached out to therapy again a few years ago when life seemed to unhinge itself once again. Then one day in the waiting room after reaching a point in therapy where things were progressing, I experienced the worst panic attack in my memory and I fled. And I spent about 8 months in a completely agoraphobic state. I'm still halfway in that state and am horrified in terms of how to seek treatment that can be covered by insurance that I can commit to from home. I can't go into grocery stores, I can't go to therapists. I can't leave my house unless it is just within this safety zone. Do you have specific advice for someone like me? (And granted, I am poor, work from home as a freelance writer, and have only Medi-Cal insurance, which wouldn't cover seeing my previous therapists via tele-therapy).
Treatment for us is terrible and when many of us get help the Doctors straight up tell us there is no real help for us, just coping with it. Every therapist gets lost and overwhelmed. Ever wonder how we feel every day?
That's why I refuse to go to therapy ever again. If they can't help me they're useless money grabs to me. "Give us your time and money and get NOTHING in return!" What a deal!
No thanks. I don't need to pay someone 200+ bucks an hour to pretend to care or be interested. Even if it were free it wouldn't be worth a shitty piece of used toilet paper.
If they could tell me "Hey, do this, stick with it, and your bpd will eventually be cured!" I'd be like "Cool. Where do I sign up?" Nope. Best they can offer is "Cope".
I would rather not do that indefinitely. At this point if it ain't a cure I ain't interested in giving my time and money to snake oils salesmen whose entire business depends on sick people staying sick.
I'm really glad that this is a recently posted video, as I've just had a session with one of my counselors today about how I keep rejecting every thing she says that might help. Then she said that it's okay because it's part of my diagnosis. So I decided to look up something about this and I'm really glad I found this video. I haven't watched it yet, it's only 30 seconds in hahaha but I hope to gain something from this.
I've been in treatment on and off from 09 to 14 and consistent treatment from 14 to present. Still searching for many answers.
My mother is BPD... she is a chronic blamer. Yet she says wishes to have someone to talk to. But is too afraid.... so she pretends like she doesn't need it. my mother is so manipulative.... She needs to learn to self regulate not my job to save her though. Mindfulness can help. I have taken her to Reiki paces and she will bliss out... but was terrified to go at first. afraid. I live in another state... It is too exhausting to be around that level of manipulation. How do you get them to therapy? Either that or commit her for she cannot manage anything on her own. I can't be her therapist.
It is something of a clever trick to play on people, to say, that a 70% drop out is a problem of the client and not a problem with the methods, approaches and attitudes of a profession, which is based on highly disputed concepts and categorisations. There is something ethically off about people dangling vague ideas of "doing work" over the head of a person while also leaving them struggling what that "work" is or how to do it. There's a whole bunch of problems that psychotherapy avoids. Like informed consent. Like lasting harm. In the UK there is an abysmal system of self-regulation of therapists. A lot of money and professional status tied up in defending what is often ineffective and sometimes damanging "treatment."
A year of sticking out unproductive, confusing therapy caused such a huge tip into intense depression. This business of "treatment resistance" really messed me up. It kept me in an experience that only stirred up questions about trust, stigma and manipulation. I would say to anyone, to trust their instinct. If they don't trust the therapist leave. Nothing good will come of staying in a bad situation. Especially where the other person is using their "professional" status and the mystic of this "hard" journey etc. Sometimes, its not about motivation, or resistance or not being "ready." If it isn't possible to explain how therapy might help, what with and why, then its quite hard to get past the basic problem, of sitting in a intense confusion causing stress. The profession doesn't like to address harm caused by therapy. It is ALWAYS put back onto the person who went seeking help. My experience was just a sick mind game experiment where I was the lab rat.
I don't trust therapists anymore.
I am aware I have to be confronted with myself and negative emotions and I am willing to do anything for a better future. However I've noticed my diagnosis BPD is working against me. Therapists can be very prejudiced: the things I say they'll use to confirm their own thoughts instead of there will gonna be a mutual understanding. I have ADHD as well, so it's hard enough for me to clearly explain to others what's on my mind. On top of that I continuously have to defend myself.
Also I've regularly noticed therapists can be very manipulative to keep the upperhand during the conversations.
I always thought about this: "Those things are interpretted by me way out of proportion and too negative. I shouldn't take myself too seriously." What makes me very anxious and sad is it turns out to be true. Despite a lot of therapy I had to figure out by myself what went wrong during my life and everytime again I encounter the therapists won't believe me. When I say I think my father has a narcissistic personality disorder people assume immediatly I make things too dramatic and I am projecting my own mistakes on him. When I think about why this miscommunication always occurs I know people won't take me seriously when I got overwelmed by emotions.
During the COVID-19 pandemic I started to be more aware how many 'normal' people are actually far more crazy than I am. ("Let's go hoarding toilet paper, because when we have to stay in quarantaine for a long time I don't know what to do if I haven't got anything left to wipe my ass off!") How can I stay sane when the whole world is crazy and primitive?
I was told by my therapist, it’s not working out. I’m too “fixed” as a personality and to seek someone else.
You are such attachment vibes
I've tried and quit therapy three times now in the span of four years. It's not that I don't want to go to therapy and get better, it's that I feel overwhelmed when I do. Even if I want to share and break into my core content, it feels like I'm not able to, and it's incredibly frustrating.
At least for me; treatment is hard because you are emotionally exposed, I don’t show often how I feel (I’m living with quiet BPD, I think) and when I try to do it , if I feel I’m not listened, I abandon therapy or I start talking about my issues without being deep or believing treatment is working. I believe treating BPD is easier in practice than in theory, all you need is empathy and sensibility: breaking somehow the precept of doesn’t involving emotionally with the patient, relate to their struggles and make them understand that those difficult emotions are valid and that we have issues that leads to discomfort, not feeling exactly the same as the other person, but relate. Also, the misdiagnosing could lead to worsen the condition (when somebody implies that a person is his diagnosed and that always is about a neuro-chemical unbalance; that not only destroy the self-esteem, but makes you believe you’ll never be fine)
I want help and I'd like to find a moderated group that experiences similar issues to myself but I can't afford to pay a therapist to learn how to help me. RUclips University has been the most helpful and after years of research I am satisfied with my own self diagnosis. Dr. Fox's videos have been the most helpful by far. I feel hopeful things can get better with work, self awareness and vigilance. Most clinicians are too far removed to understand my experience and that triggers distrust in me.
Dear, Dr. Fox, I'm one of the BPD patients who was diagnosed about a year ago and I just wanted to let you know that by now, it's not that I don't believe in therapy or in the progress of such a trajectory for some patients, it's just that I certainly, don't believe that I am the one to benefit from it at all and that matters around me will continuously exacerbate even more. That whirlpool of a nightmare I live with every day - my complete disbelief or conviction in Never getting better. No, Sir - I don't know what to do anymore... As a clear example, as if this BPD plague disorder, at this point, has become my Puppet Master ruling over and COMMANDING my every move.
🥺🥺🥺😰😢😓
That was so immensely helpful Dr. Fox.Thank you
Cope aheads have saved my life including getting to therapy
I had court order therapy and as much as that annoyed me it also made me not give up on myself or the therapist to say ‘why are you even here’ unfortunately I’m stubborn & after I did my 6 months my therapist decided to give up on me & decided give me to another. I asked him if I could be transferred to another therapist that after the court order I could continue with because they are under my insurance. The Therapist I was seeing said it was possible but it would be more paperwork. So he transferred me within their department. So I had such a closed off attitude and made up a whole new happy life cuz I got sick of opening up for therapist to give up on me. Plus this clinic decided to change my BPD diagnosis I got a few years prior and it was like that missing piece when I looked up BPD. To Bipolar cuz that’s what this city only knows when I brought up my diagnosis to the therapists they both looked confused. Not saying anything bad about Bipolar but when I looked it up it wasn’t like that ahha moment when you just know. And I do know that you can have both. But I just don’t see bipolar in me and everyone that goes through that clinic usually gets a bipolar diagnosis. Only thing I really got out of that was my mental health was to big of an inconvenience to do extra paperwork to get me to a right therapist that I potentially could be seeing still today. After a year of court order they finally released me and since that clinic doesn’t take my insurance I hadn’t been back and to stubborn to go see the one I preferred to see. I feel at this stage I’ll be waisting time for him.
I love you for these ones👍🏻💋thanks.
I just found it out myself.. but I continue the dbt.
I haven’t went back since my therapist died in January. I just don’t want to go back, I know I have a lot of things wrong. I just think it’s better if I write my feelings down verses seeing a therapist. It’s just to much I don’t want to have to deal with explaining myself over again.
I really want to heal my BPD but I always find myself triggered and invalidated by therapists and I’ve given up.
I think the biggest issue with BPD and treatment is that the standard approach of most therapists and psychiatrists, loved ones, even the BPD afflicted themselves is to try to make the problem(s) go away... This approach however, at least in my opinion, is very ineffective and prone to compound trauma and identifying oneself as being synonymous with their trauma. Also, it doesn't help that (as with most disorders) the time in which treatment is most likely to be considered or suggested tends to be associated with a time of extreme imbalance. All of these can easily contribute to therapy being viewed as a hostile environment (and it doesn't help that some people insist on using therapy as a threat or a way of trying to excuse their own abusive behavior toward someone with BPD... nor does it help that in many cases antipsychotics are prescribed, many of which can result in permanent debilitating effects for which there will never be any compensation nor accountability given).
When you really get into it, I think the main reason for treatment resistance from BPD sufferers is that there are simply too many reasons to not get treatment (and often too few to get treatment until things get really bad, often provoking the same treatment backing the paranoia that therapy will hurt more than it helps).
The solution?... Simply put, I think we need more availability of personality specialists in order to establish the existence of and develop less abusive means of diagnosing and treating personality disorders. (Especially with so much attention being focused on autism, bipolar, and other disorders that like to tell the same story on the surface with the core issues never even discussed.) And we do need personality specialists, not just BPD specialists and such (because in many ways an untrained person may describe a positively adapting BPD person as narcissistic, when in reality they may simply be dieting their disorder).
Doc, do you play? (Guitar in the background :))
I've been in therapy for 20 years and it haven't helped shat!! Newly diagnosed with bpd. Already had depression & ptsd. Life is getting worst. I'm 41, on a med and my last therapist quit on me because she couldn't help me.
I swear psychologist mess up my friend even more then she all ready was. Thanks a lot 😡
I believe my gf has bpd and im hoping for suggestions on how to broach the conversation. Our relationship is moving pretty fast (that BPD energy lol) and im not afraid of partnering with her in this journey just want to do it the right way. Im learning ways to better protect myself and also to communicate with her and its been a big help. This also isnt some hero complex mission even though the thlught of helping her help herself is exciting. Thanks in advance for any input!
How are you doing after 11 months? How is your relationship?
@@BlackCatFriday unfortunately we broke up not long after that post. She recently began contacting me randomly for little advice type things but that's the extent of our communication
@smol pom thankyou for the kind words! She's been doing better.
Rule number one is to listen... the core trigger in BPD is feeling like we're not being heard. Other than that, remember every case is different (BPD is so expansive and complex that although it may be tempting to lump all borderline people or outbursts together the truth is that most are unique to that person or event). Sorry it didn't work out, but in case you find another one (or wanna pass that along so she can) I hope it helps a little. :)
Why did you break up? Did you feel there was nothing you could do to help? I’m in a similar situation
And I can say this as someone with borderline personality disorder I sometimes feel like my therapist is afraid of me afraid of the way that I'm going to react so I'm not getting any help and I've been trying for years I've been in therapy this time for 4 years I'm on my fourth therapist I haven't lost one because I drove them crazy or wore them out yet it's just been other things circumstantial things that didn't have anything to do with me but I'm starting to feel discouraged I'm almost 60 years old and I've already made sure that I will never be in another relationship because I know how difficult it is for me and for the other person this is a sad lonely place I wish more focus was taken on this disorder this disorder is extremely destructive for everyone it touches
I'm really liking your video you're being very honest for a lot of people like myself with borderline personality disorder they're just really isn't ever going to be an answer and I appreciate you being honest about that I really really do kind of scary but it's still a better than you lying cuz we all know what bertilizers
Challenge doctor I believe that I have a pretty severe case of borderline personality disorder I'm 56 years old I don't really want to die alone I've kept myself out of relationship since my mid-40s because I finally understood what my diagnosis was and I didn't want to take any more hostages I've been in a really poor therapy for the last 4 years I would give anything to find an answer I have children that depend on me they're grown but they still need me I'm all they've got I'm the only thing that that they do have and and how would you like the matriarch of your family to be someone borderline personality disorder with a bunch of adult kids it's really really hard it's hard for them and it's hard for me but I don't really want to die alone please contact me
Someone I really care about has BPD and it pains me when they struggle everyday.
Me too, it's soo painful for them I believe and by association uncomfortable at the least for me.
@@sarahdixon6011 I decided to work on myself. I did my best to be there for them and they prefer the company of self-centered assholes who tried to bring me down. I ain't going down though😂. Money can only get you so far boo is all I'm gonna say. Hope she gets the help that she needs though.
My girlfriend has BPD and refuses treatment or to even admit she has a problem. She will absolutely blow up and go nuts if you even mention either.
Well it’s her choice ultimately. It’s your right to leave her, it’s not your right to pressure her into something she doesn’t want to do.
Shrink4Men is a good RUclips channel for men with BPD partners
so i need some advice. because im floundering. just found out my best friend, who is also my favorite person (we're very close), will be working more and we'll barely see each other. which of course means the relationship with depreciate due to lack of contact. (he's on the spectrum, so calls and texting are not really his thing). and im basically on the verge of giving up so i don't have to watch our relationship die a slow painful death. and i just don't know what to do. i have no hope that it will work out. i have no faith in him that he even cares. and i basically just really want to drop dead right now. i don't even want to see him tomorrow, because i don't think i even deserve to look at him after sending him splitting texts. im spiraling into self destruction. i feel like i've lost control, lost my best friend who i love, and who loves me unconditionally. like...why even bother going on? so this can happen again and again and again?
p.s. your workbook seems to be out of stock on amazon.
i’ve been 9 months without treatment but recently have been searching for treatment because my mental health is getting worse
Guys do u ever feel like youre not actually here? Like you know who u are, but something is missing? And i often feel like i dont have emotions, and im really sound sensitive. Like im afraid that i destroyed my neurons...
Hello Dr. I had a couple of outbursts on a couple of your previous videos and if you read them I'm sure my BPD is more than evident in my words. I won't sit and harp on an apology. I've only VERY recently accepted my diagnosis and it's not been easy for so so so many reasons. I'm not gonna harp on the why's much other than saying that while I am very introspective and in touch with my disorder I have also been surrounded by people with a plethora of mental issues my whole life from almost every family member (nearly all of whom are in therapy or on medication for such issues and many various addictions between us), a couple of truly psychopathic and narcissistic private employers who have had most of my career years, and a recent ex whom I have an almost 4 year old little girl with (who I am no longer allowed to see). As short as I can make this she grew up in a broken home and has her own set of issues as well and when I realized that quite literally everything about her was a lie that's when my BPD hit hardest. The splitting, the dissociation, the hate/love, leave/stay. I'm fully aware of the way I was but what remains hidden are the things no one else knows about her. She is an admitted narcissist and admits that she doesn't have empathy for anyone. She told me she took pleasure in hurting people when she was growing up. She hasn't really grown out of that either (I don't know if that's even the right way to phrase that). I can't even finish typing what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what I was trying to say. Something along the lines of all these people have truly pushed my limits knowingly and when I had enough they can all just blame it on my head. I'm coming close to having an episode now from thinking about it all now so I have to stop. I think I met you once in GA. I was in Georgia Regional Medical Center around 2010ish. I spoke with someone who I think I remember was named Dr. Fox. And then I find these videos years later when my world has crumbled under me. I had to bury my best friend in 2016 amidst the chaos of already being deeply dissociated and trying to raise a child and work and provide and have a good relationship with the mother of my child. Was that you possibly I met those years ago? I felt comfortable talking to you. That's not something I get around many people at all. Anyway I'm trying to learn how to get better until I can get into real therapy. I'm trying. I know my disorder. I'm trying.
Im not going to therapy because I cant afford good treatment. Therapists I've seen were unethical. I've gotten "lost in the pathology" of the mental health system and it endangered me. I know Im not believed because I' m the one with the diagnosis.
Your clients are young and wealthy.
Therapy has been so difficult for me, they claim certain methods are full proof and then when those ideas dont solve all your problems they tell us we arent trying hard enough. When in reality it feels like a bandaid on a bullet wound, its not the right treatment.
Anti depressants arent the answer to BPD. Having simple things like "eat healthy" alone isnt gonna solve anything. Maybe doing all of these things for some people help them, but not all diagnoses are the same.
I wish people took different approaches.
Having talk therapy cbt/dbt feel like the only options being offered is not fun.
Wow .. amazing explanation as a bpd patient .depressive paranoia.. perfect
Glad you enjoyed it!
@@DrDanielFox we want more about bpd doctor iam glad you are here to explain others about what I suffer from .💪💪💪
Participating openly and honestly is my goal, but I always leave things out. I told my therapist that, but she doesn't know everything specifically yet.ive been seeing her for over two years 😬I feel like I just need to start over with a new therapist, but I'm scared and keep procrastinating.
there absolutely is treatment for "personality".
you remember people talking about the potheads in highschool? "he's not the same person when he's stoned.."
regular ("chronic") CBD + THC as a PRN to crystalise ruminative episodes.
intermittent ketamine or MDMA therapies.
adhd meds work for some people.
also - just to be controversial - i've never met someone with an opiate/opioid problem that hasn't had some deeply traumatic experiences. morphine makes most people itchy, constipated and irritable. hardly a great basis for a street drug yet here we are.
there are plenty of medications that change personality - your society simply isn't ready to apply them properly because your society is performatively moralistic and more concerned about propriety than outcomes.
You bring up some interesting points about the complexities of personality treatment. It’s essential to have open conversations about mental health and the various options available.
Thanks for existing.
People think I don't want help I want it so badly but i physically feel unable to help myself anymore. I just cant do it anymore
And because they think I don't want it they've given up on me
therapy makes you feel like people hate you soo much that you have to pay someone to love you thats why i quit i went to more than 5 at least
Nice guitar Doc .
As someone whose been in therapy for over ten years, I’m really losing faith in finding a good therapist while being on Medicaid/government insurance. I’ve seen several therapists and none of which has had a plan or road map or sense of direction. I feel like the sessions were just to let me rant and then had hardly any feedback. Instead, there’s just the same question every week “how do you feel this session went? Do you think we are a good match and you feel comfortable sharing with me?” Idk maybe it’s just been my experiences but I actually want to break the cycle and be a healthy mom/partner/daughter/human and I just need guidance.
Dr. Fox, can you say anything about feeling invalidated ?? I only get one-on-one therapy every 5-6 weeks, during which time my therapist seems kind of pressured to "reveal my cognitive distortions," until I feel totally invalidated. I need help; I can't look for a therapist for a little while, and I dont' want to just blow-up therapy in some "typical BPD" reaction. But I also can't count on an authority figure to whom I feel no real connection and allow him to define my experience based on his authority...Its setting off all kinds of old hurts. I'm trying hard to stay open because I need to get better. thanks
Hi Dr. Fox. Thank you for your videos, they are so helpful. I was wondering if you would be interested in creating a video about comorbidity with BPD for example ED's and bpd. I don't know if you'll see this. But thanks again for your videos means a lot. Take care :)
Just saying "I'm having this experience. And it doesn't feel good"
Immediately hits the brickwall defense of abandonment fears.. rejection sensitivity
Nothing quite like feeling vulnerable... trying to share when its pertinent.. and getting a vicious hot iron for 30 minutes.. targeting the thing you just said.. you were feeling vulnerable about.. with ruthless abandon..
Like I just turned into a demon and she is resolute on an exorcism..
To bad that's an obstacle to healthy attachment and understanding