BPDs really benefit from having emotionally stable friends who can consistently offer small words/acts of affirmation, but never react with grand gestures. Drop a few words of affirmation when they're not expecting to help them internalize it, and do exactly the same thing when they're acting up. Over time, some of them will learn that just because you don't play their game, it doesn't mean you don't value them. That way they'll be less desperate for you to prove it. EDIT: Sigh. Since people seem awfully offended by the phrase "you don't play their game", I'll clarify... It means "you won't participate in their maladaptive strategy to cope with their emotional dysregulation", and it's not meant to judge anyone with BPD, including myself ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I try to do that for my friends but no one ever does it for me which kinda hurts. I feel like the only way I get any affirmation in my life is when I'm seeking it out at which point it doesn't feel genuine and makes me feel guilty for asking
@@cory99998 you are absolutely right and you are describing in my opinion the core of BPD. Your parents didn't know to offer you the attention and affection you needed at the right time, so you developed guilt for that need. Besides that, that is also where the volatility of BPD comes from because this is how your brain understood things work. If you didn't receive the attention you needed, your brain found a way to get it. And your parents only giving you attention only then, so you gained this mechanism. It's only normal that if a need is not met, for it to escalate into an intense emotion. parents should take care of children's need, not only when they are 10/10, but also when they are 1-2-3-4-5/10, in order to teach them their self-worth and how to internalise their own personal way of taking care of their needs and emotions. Unfortunately, now you surround yourself with people that do thae same, because they are reflecting your belief aboout how the world should work, so the cycle is repeated and the trauma is relived. If you want my opinion, you can talk to your friends and explain how these things worked for you in childhood, and how you feel now as a a consequence, and if those friends are able to offer you what you need, good, if not, it's still good, becuase no one is obliged to offer you, but you need to find people that can offer you what you need, because if not, you are repeating a trauma cycle. I know you are sensitive and yuou feel like your friends just couldn't take care of you in the way you need, which is partially true. You need their OCASIONAL help to teach yourself a new way of viewing the world, but only ocasionally, not all the time since its impossible for others to take care of you all the time. But I guarantee, the right people will understand you and love you as you are, when you find them, with all of your strenghts and weakness. Much love and if you feel like you have BPD and your life is hard, please search for therapy.
As a person with BPD, I want to say that a lot of my BPD symptoms come from adverse childhood trauma. My mom left me when I was 5, which created huge abandonment issues for me, I get paranoid when I think of people leaving me. I have isolated myself so much to prevent the pain and fear and paranoia of everyone leaving me. Everyone’s situation is different though.
How do you make that flip mentality? I objectively had a good childhood but Jesus Christ I could write a novel of things my parents didn't do emotionally or physically. But it's not like anyone knows how to parent so I feel bad when I look back through my eyes and say they were bad or something. And yes schizophrenia runs in my family but no one ever said it to me because they were ashamed or something of my great uncle for having it* , and didn't feel the need to share it, till like 7 months ago I'm 21 now been dealing with this same train of thought since 05' (*idk 70s stigmas on mental shit)
At first I thought I don't have BPD because I don't care so much about other peoples opinion but then on the other hand I isolate myself so much I don't even want to know what other people think about me. Probably because I automatically assume they think negatively about me or would think negatively about me if they knew me better. So I keep telling myself I am better off alone and I don't care what other people think even though I clearly do otherwise I wouldn't be so anxious.
I was diagnosed with BPD tendencies a year ago and am doing therapy for it. Wanted to share some things I learned, maybe it helps you if you have BPD, or just general knowledge about people with BPD. BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder is a personality-type adaption that appears influenced by 2 factors: 1. a genetic part, where the person is ..how to say...emotionally sensible, feels things deeply, the goods and the bads. 2. family and general environment where that sensivity from point number 1 isn't nurtured and even yet, abused. the child is very sensitive but is surrounded by people that cannot teach/learn the kid to adapt to life in his/hers brain structure. more than that, it usually comes, from what I know, and which was also my case, from abuse. A parent, mother ( from what I heard this is the majority) or a father (but it's more rare since the mother is more important for a child) isn't able, because of her own personality type and difficulty of adaption to life, to show the child a stable connection. She is either too close, either too far, the child never feeling in this case a constant stable feeling of connection. All the child knows is 2 things: I will be abandoned and no one will take care of myself, I am useless in this world and this world is a very dangerous place. And the other thing is that when the parent returns, there are no boundaries, they will get too close, and your needs will not matter. Imagine for a baby that didn't even reach the language stage of life to feel like the only person in this world that can take care of him...will not respond, will not be there. It's an unconscious connection that is being done in which the child forms the idea that help is not coming when it is needed. and that changes the way the brain works, remember while having a genetical sensivity. After a need comes and is not fullfilled, the brain understands that there is no one coming, and there comes numbness. An unfulfilled need reaches the peak of frustration, all the time, which means, that the brain will change to adapt to the unfulfilled needs and the frustration of those unfulfilled needs, creating the adaptation of not being able to be in touch with yourself any longer, because if you would do that, you would feel too much pain and frustration. So the body (brain and chemistry) chooses to ignore that, for it's own survival. Also, the whole fast-flight neurological system is almost all the time active as well because of this adaption. If you grew up learning that there will be bombs everywhere you step on, you will walk your whole life knowing that there might be bombs where you step.And that is how BPD adaptation comes and why we BPD people do not have any idea about what's going on with us. We never had an opportunity to learn to do that, to be in touch with ourselves, our emotions, wants and needs because we were all the time preoccupied on how to cope with some abuser.. our needs were not important, our survival was met as long as the shitty parent was happy, that meant our survival, since food was coming. For me it was my father, who is a narcissist. I was trained to be his slave, even now at 28 years old when I live all alone by myself he still feels entilted to things from me and acts like a maniac whenever he doesn't get what he wants. Verbal abuse, manipulation, emotional pressuring. These are the environments we grow up in. But it's ok, it's treatable, in a way that you can live a mostly normal life, with incidents from time to time, but mostly normal as i said. Oh, and you need therapy, like a lot, many years, and I think personally that I will do for my whole life since its hard without and also there is a possibility for the coping tools to fail and to "fall". So I think my relationship with my therapist will be a close one during all my life lol. Well, if you read this and you have BPD, please go in therapy, it's hard but it's fun and when you see results, trust me you will feel like a buldoser is lifted from your chest. Also you will see a new side of the world, were you feel safe, seen and heard and in which you MATTER, which if you are like me, will feel amazing
My ex gf was diagnosed with BPD after I left her. The last paragraph made me feel better about leaving after all of her begging for me to not abandon her. Thank you for the wisdom
You may not have BPD. MCAS looks a ton like it. Other mast cell disorders do as well. Please look into them. Creds? I was misdiagnosed with bpd and actually have MCAS.
@@Sarahizahhsum I believe I have BPD and it really manifested when I was ten. I had adolescent arthritis and it runs in the family. Will look into this.
I feel like I exhibit BPD rather atypically. I can recognize quite clinically that my behavior is toxic and my solution was to completely isolate myself. So for a while I didn't resonate at all with the diagnosis, I imposed a sort of sociopathy onto myself. After three years of being surrounded by stable, professional help, I was able to pull the plug and let the volcano explode, so to speak. I can't stress enough how important it is to be surrounded by stable people. It's absolute hell sometimes, but worth it.
Agree this this comment. Quiet BPD or high functioning BPD is characterised by an internal expression of BPD as opposed to outwardly visible BPD@@theGhostSteward
Im an older BPD and honestly, in my experience, it gets easier with age. I am nowhere near as bad as i used to be. However - it still gets bad. It makes a difference to get to know your triggers and try and explore them. Baby steps though because BPD is already mentally exhausting. If you have BPD, I see you and i hear you and i know its so hard. I know. Its not your fault.
My mom has BPD. She kept it a secret for my entire childhood. I only ever found out once I became an adult and my grandparents told me they kept it under wraps to allow her to attempt to have a normal life/find a husband/etc. She always would over-dramatize situations, like, stomping away in public when upset, collapsing and sobbing when getting small injuries like stubbing a toe, and other attention seeking behaviors. When my parents got divorced when I was 4, she took my Dad to court to get my and my siblings' names changed to be hyphenated "because she didn't want us to forget about her". It's really sad, she mooched off her parents her whole life and they eventually cut her loose, she could never hold a job, and now I really don't know what's going on with her. I feel a little bad for ignoring her texts sometimes but I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with it. She is in denial that she has a mental illness, and didn't "accept" her diagnosis. Really sad.
I have a different but similar upbringing with a narcissistic mother. She was wayyyy controlling during my childhood and over raging + dramatizing situations whenever she felt something was out of her control. Also very manipulative and had phases that would create a cycle of making you emotionally atached to her and then bringing you down and verbally destroying you and making everything your foult. At age 22 after a huge fight I stopped loving her. I didnt care even if she died and I pitied her when she was trying to persuade me. All the fighting in my childhood made me learn to detach from feelinig toward a childish parent who wants more. My family is dysfunctional but we always give eachother everything because my father is a really hardworking good person. So my values are shaped around that. If my mother has problems with finances I would help her but I wont emotionally engage in any way. I wont invest myself to love her ever again.
If she doesn't have the support that she needs from the only people In the world that she loves, she's most likely not going to live very long. You may not be able to handle her but I know you are able to regulate your emotions and how you cope in life. The fact that her parents cut her off is horrible and I cannot imagine how she feels. We understand that dealing with us is sometimes unbearable. not only do we have to live with constantly letting the people that we care about down but we have to live with the way we feel inside and the people we hurt. There are programs out there that can help you understand what your mom is going through and if I was you I would check one out. If I didn't have the support of my daughter and my mom I probably would have left this world a long time ago. I'm just being real
BPD symptoms don't always manifest in attention seeking behaviors. For me, I hide my SH because I don't do it to seek attention. I also keep my suicidal thoughts to myself. Its a little unfair to characterize it as seeking attention.
I was looking for this comment. As i understand it, theres "quiet" bpd and bpd. I think Dr. K got the root of it right (there being a lack of sense of self), but then he followed that up with claiming that bpd ppl then learn that the best way to get attention is to say theyre gonna kill theirself. While thats fair, and a lot of people with bpd do develop that behavior, a lot dont too. For us that don't we tend to give up on friendships easily, never ask for help, and try to avoid having deep connections with people. Ofc we're bad at that, so we do get incredibly emotionally invested in people and interpret every little thing as a slight, which for me inevitably snowballs into this person has been lying to me and the only reason they talk to me is bc they know that im worthless and they pity me and dont have the heart to leave me alone. Then, i isolate myself and ghost them to do my best to fulfill their wish. I seldom talk abt my bpd or self harm, which i also dont do for attention. Maybe your experience is a bit different but i think that theres a lot of ways someone can be affected by having the core beliefs held by ppl with bpd. Its not a cookiecutter issue. Hope youre doing well btw.
This is exactly how I feel, I self harm because I genuinely hate myself and think I am a terrible person. It is punishment I do not do it because I want people to feel bad for me. Most of my family does not even know I self harm, I tried to keep it a secret until I was caught. I also just try avoid people who get too close/try distance myself because I feel like I actively make people I care about's lives worse which is the big reason why I want to commit suicide. Sadly feel like this video does not cover my experiences...
@@brumpbotungus8425 he didn’t mean attention in the way people usually stigmatize it he meant it as need for affection and love that gets twisted by using means that are manipulative that maybe the individual with bpd doesn’t realize or in some cases does. He did dumb it down for people to get the just of it and I agree with that was kind of going into bad territory for people to stigmatize it if they aren’t aware, but I don’t think he meant it in a negative way just could’ve said it better.
@@_________-__________-_______ lmao you're the kind of person to say to a deppressive person "just be happy" or to someone with asthma "just breathe", you don't just "grow up" from having bpd and nothing to do with narcism, have u even watched the video ?
@@_________-__________-_______ you know nothing. you neither are a psychologist, neither have some kind of degree in neurology, you're no one to deny wordly recognized medical claims, you have nothing but your personal experience, from your biased perception of things, you not only can't argument using those idiotic claims that only you experienced but even if you dealt with these kind of people like you say, and let's say they truly had diagnosed bdp, we don't establish rules on a minority, on exceptions but on larger scales.
@@merydex7717 you don't just seem too happy with my answer lmao, it's my perception like you said it, and they are getting better i hope, have you ever has a friend with bdp or do you feel like having a one ? if so how did you deal them/it
@@_________-__________-_______ not discussing this with someone who explains a disorder ranked in the dsm by "narcism" and proposes the galaxy brain solution of "growing out of it", hopefully you don't have any kids with mental health issues, they'd end up killing themselves or entering adult life with a big medical luggage.
I have both BPD and cPTSD. I confirm that when I don’t wear makeup I get less of a good reaction from people and this makes me feel really awful inside and even cry about it.
I don't even sit outside on the porch without makeup. If someone showed up I'd be mortified. I go *nowhere*, not even the mailbox, without makeup. I look horrible without it
@@alouise3557It sucks that you have to protect yourself against looking like yourself. I hope you find a way to be okay or even be happy with how you look. After all you’re the only you, and each curve, line, bump, and dip in your figure makes you into the unique human that you are. And whether or not you feel that way, I think that because of that, you’re beautiful :)
I've always realized I've done this to my friends till I push them away, then try to explain in a wall of text but ultimately get ignored bc its annoying. Now I get caught in my own suicidal and lonely thoughts and don't know what to do. There's no benefit to removing the stimuli when I think the same things anyway, but have no one to express them to. The only thing that distracts me is working till my muscles are in pain every day, but I feel empty and miserable. Before I go to sleep at night, I enter paranoia and impulsive thoughts, so I can't sleep. I also feel like I have to empty my bladder every few minutes till I'm in pain. I don't feel like it's worth living with this, but I haven't met anyone with it. I wish I just could just communicate all my concerns to an advanced A.I. that listens.
Great advice on how to deal with BPD sufferers. They need to know you care but you can't be controlled by their moods. Also they don't really want to control people and "bother" them so slowly showing themselves they can sit through emotional storms while knowing support still exists is huge. "I can't come this minute because I'm eating but can we talk tomorrow at 2p?" is perfect. It gives them the ability to practice survival skills (prove to themselves they can survive the pain) but knowing they aren't indefinitely alone with their legitimately extremely painful feelings. Thanks for giving smart and not demonizing information.
Absolutely, in the moment they might resort to desperate behaviours to get the reassurance they need but long term they really want people to be caring but stable and resilient, validating but resistent to their emotional storms so that they can develop that trust in themselves and others. I think it's one of the most terrifying things for them feeling like how everyone else around them feels and behaves is determined by how they are feeling because it confirms that when they are feeling overwhelmed and scared then the whole sky is truly falling.
Having BPD feels like everyone who ever hurt me is given a free pass because my trauma doesn't matter once a professional knows this is my diagnosis; the only thing that matters is making me change what they broke about me, which is an uphill battle of an indescribable degree since my brain is literally wired differently as a result of said-"unimportant"-trauma based on the "gold standard" treatment we have right now. I feel like it only works for individuals with BPD when they are so blinded by the abuse so-as to accept so deeply that everything that happened to them was totally and utterly, without a shadow of a doubt, totally their fault, so that they're not focused on actually feeling the pain of that trauma because they are already structured to completely fault themselves, so self-blame leading to self-acceptance makes sense (because let's face it, that's what DBT is underneath the skills; you [the bpd individual] are at fault, but that's okay because we'll teach you to be compassionate to yourself because you blame yourself, and because you blame yourself, we have a way in to give you a reason to do something different so long as we can keep your "trying my best to not be the asshole that I accept that I am" aspect under control]). What I'm saying is not about not taking responsibility for the symptoms of my illness now (which I wish I didn't have either; who would want them?), but I feel like even the doctors have got it wrong. Imagine your trauma (as a child) is around being made to feel like you're at fault for someone else's problems, or you're just the "weird kid" to everyone in your childhood, so you have this complex around your self-worth. The fact is, all the would-be "good parts" and uniqueness of your personality are shutdown and hidden because your history has convinced you that anything you think is "good" and "right" about yourself - anything you would normally trust as enjoyable and acceptable aspects - have been perceived as negative and worthy of rejection. So then you start getting close to people, and those parts of yourself start to slip through the cracks; you begin to trust a little here and there to let yourself loosen up, be playful, and come out of your shell, and then you remember what happened when you were just starting to form a "self," so then the symptoms of BPD take over to protect yourself from that ever happening again because you feel vulnerable and at risk due to the trauma. Then, in a therapeutic setting, what happens is that the focus is on your faults (just like the past), and not on what positives were exhibited in the recent past interactions (like opening up, sharing, being vulnerable, etc.) that "triggered" the onset of the symptoms appearing. It's very much a two-steps forward, one-step back kind of disorder, that's for sure, and it's embarrassing - to say the least - to be at the mercy of a mind that doesn't play nice with its own body according to what's typically expected. I think it's very complicated, and I hate the mindset that there's a manipulative aspect to this disorder - especially one that is purposeful with ill intent - as I personally cannot relate to that at all, but when even the doctors suggest that there is a pervasive "toxicity" to individuals with this disorder who just need to learn to basically "get their shit together," so to speak, it really upsets me. Again, there's no desire for having a lack of confidence, a lack of trust in one's own choices, or emotional lability, fear of losing control, or basically for my neurotransmitters - against my will - to be sending the wrong messages around in my brain so that my feelings result in atypical reactions based on the patterns of behaviour that were not conducive to teaching my amygdala and those synapses/etc. more healthy/typical responses. People have no idea how much energy I expend on just trying to keep myself "cool" and how much self-doubt and fear of my own "self" overreacting or embarrassing me with because I live with a highly stigmatized disorder that I get the bare minimum of compassion for if the symptoms of it become apparent. I have to hide my struggles from most people, which only leads to avoiding getting attached to anyone due to that causing the symptoms the most, and the fact that having to try and shove my symptoms down is the only way to avoid further rejection does not make me develop any confidence in ever forming a "worthy" sense of self that is acceptable, inside or out. It's an absolute shit disorder, and the best scapegoat for abusers who leave this damage on an individual. I do think this is both a developmental and attachment-based disorder, and I agree that consistency is important in forming something more healthy but that's a lot to ask for when you're already a full-grown adult; I just think a lot of the advice out there for treatment is so off the mark, and given 100-200 years, people will be looking at it like it was on par with a level of torture compared to whatever they discover by that far-off time in the future. We're nowhere close to where we should be with understanding mental health, illnesses, or treatment, and it's really sad.
so true. DBT can be traumatizing to the people who need trauma therapy the most. Even how they phrase thing is problematic. targeting the "Problem Behavior" instead of calling it what it is, a Trauma Reaction.
As someone who does not suffer from bpd but is friends with someone who does, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Much of the current "insight" into bpd seems very off the mark and is akin to labeling autistic people as emotionless psychopaths, IMO. It is a gross lack of understanding and I hope more studies are done
@@clocked0 Thank-you for chiming in. It's "cute" how therapists can talk as if they -know- without a shadow of a doubt that they are completely right about their understanding of BPD, or any other mental health problem. I constantly come back to the fact that given another hundred years from the inception of the myriad of treatment options we have these days for whatever ails you, much of it will be dis-proven, modified, or even laughed at in that future. What I find most discouraging is that the label itself perpetuates stigma in the client themselves speaking out against their unfair treatment and the way in which the professionals make them out to be. If you fight against it, you are just a typical BPD, prone to "Therapy Interfering Behaviours" (TIBs in DBT talk, seriously...), and you're just trying to be "bad" and "non-compliant." Ya... Ya, that's what I was trying to do by finally feeling bonded enough to a therapist at one point to start opening up about my trauma. Ya, them ditching me for that was exactly what I wanted. That... That really drove it home for me that I'm the problem, and clearly I should just shut up and accept it because I was lucky enough for a therapist to dare and take me on in the first place. /s How therapy ever got to a point where you pay for a service, and that paid service has the right to ditch you due to your problems showing up, is beyond me! I honestly don't even have faith in the studies these days, as they are ruined by the fact that much of the time, drug companies have their hand in them, and "Evidence-based practice" has taken on a laughable meaning so-as to simply be a way for CBT and its spin-offs to become big business.
Here’s the thing, Dr. K. A lot of the time we do tell our friends to get help. Oftentimes they are getting help. We are still going to be dealing with people who are suicidal, having paranoid delusions, experiencing BPD symptoms, or dealing with a litany of other issues. There aren’t enough professionals to go around. While it’s admirable to say we shouldn’t try to tackle these issues, you yourself know there are limits to our mental health infrastructure and barriers to accessing care. We are left to plug in the gaps, for better or for worse. You don’t want to know how many people I talked off the ledge when I was a minor because my friend’s boomer parents didn’t think mental illness existed. We’ve had to teach ourselves. Thankfully, just like the families of cancer patients, we are very fucking good at it. Gatekeeping helps nobody.
For some odd reason every girl I've dated or seeing has BPD but my ex is the most accurate depiction of BPD. I don't know much about mental illness and I knew something was wrong, she told me beforehand she has BPD but I never knew what that meant. I realized I was walking on eggshells, that she would super analyze, etc. I never could understand her or help her but I wanted to and I wondered why I couldn't but listening to this video opened my eyes so much. It's mind blowing how all of this makes sense correlating to her behavior and they way she thinked. She's in another relationship now and I realize that it is for the better that we went our separate ways because now it seems she's genuinely happy with her new boyfriend.
People with BPD need a stable person with a strong personality to date honestly. Other people can work of course, but typically people with BPD hook on to people so if that person is genuinely loving and stable, the person with BPD will copy that
If you’re anything like the majority of sufferers that are in the camp of “I don’t know what’s wrong me. But something definitely isn’t right.” Which I’m lead to believe you are given your description. Then you must be willing to accept the fact that when you were at your most vulnerable and naive. In this case, as a small child before the age of 5. That you were at the behest of your environment and therefore people that may not have given you the proper coordinates to create a sense of self. Often times adverse childhood experiences, or in layman’s terms, a not so great childhood. The boundary that separates “the self” or your fragile, boundary-less state has no way of discerning or compartmentalizing your input. In other words, if you at the tender age of 5 witnessed extreme disregulation due to a non stable environment. This can be anything from moving states frequently, domestic violence not necessarily aimed at you but at the people you love, or anything that could prove stressful for a small child. You don’t get the opportunity to develop a “self”. The bittersweet irony of it all is that you can’t remember the events if anything at all before the age of 5. The cognitive apparatus is not yet in place at this time developmentally. Therefor the neural network that does “remember” it is your primal and base default mode if you will. This part of your memory formation is still with you and remains with you for your entire life. This is why you feel anxiety and depression arrive seemingly out of no where. There is no kind of lucid or vivid memory there to inform the emotional responses you’re feeling. In other words, the triggers for the deep seeded emotions remain while the parts that would allow you to reflect and gain insight into them is long forgotten. This is why it is so difficult for individuals with trauma history’s in adolescence to fit into or gain any help from modern therapy modality offerings today. Please do yourself a favor and read or download Pete Walker’s: CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving. You’ll gain a ton of key and valuable insights into your turbulent emotional states. Lastly you mentioned that you feel emotionally inconsistent. This is due in part to being locked into various trauma states that went unhealed. You have a sort of Pandora’s Box that gets opened anytime you interact with the real world. Environmental triggers from the real world dredge you those long forgotten emotional responses from old. The moment something doesn’t go right or you feel immense pressure from your environment. You can be catapulted into the emotional state of any one of the locked away unhealed trauma states. Imagine being enveloped into the thinking, feeling, and being state of a 5 year old inside of a 17 year old’s body. It can be overwhelming and frustrating to say the least. Hope this helps you.
I’m a male with bpd and adhd. I think I have a good handle on bpd right now though. I’m in therapy too. I have a wife and kids - honestly, if you met me you probably wouldn’t guess I have it. At this point of my life I’m great at masking any negative emotions and internalizing them instead of unleashing anything out to the world. It’s still hard but at least I try not to let it affect others.
I had a friend at the start of an undergraduate programme I was attending and she mentioned that she had BPD. It was JUST as you described; intimate, intense and short-lived. Thank ya for this video! I've been struggling with the aftermath for a good year+ now and this vid really opened my eyes to what I didnt know
Just got out of a 7 year relationship with someone who has BPD. All of these scenarios are EXTREMELY accurate and I wish I could've sent them this video and had them watch it without their extreme fear of taking responsibility for her words & actions getting in the way so that they could see my perspective. We started dating when we were late teens and I had no friends, neither did she and it was the best relationship high that I've ever experienced for about 2 years because we had each other and that was it. Nobody was getting in the way of our time spent together. Then I made a lot of friends over a few years and she completely switched as a human being. At the 7 year mark she got physical with me (this was about 6 months after she was throwing hands at a friend of mine) so I dipped. Never settle for someone who puts their hands on you, it ain't worth it.
@@alouise3557 yeah. I mean "neither of us had any friends" doesn't sound good at all. Later at the 7 (!) year mark probably made an emotionally unstable and vulnerable girl feel afraid of being abandoned. This happens with young women who don't have personality disorders. And this guy is proud of dumping her instead of trying to work through it.
BPD is a huge challenge. Unfortunately it's also a huge challenge to friends and family to people with BPD. I had a childhood friend who was always important in my life. Unfortunately as she entered her 40s, the pattern of unsuccessful and sabotaged romantic relationships started to pile up and she started to crumble. After years of trying to help her, which was always a great challenge, she started to turn on her friends, one by one. When she finally turned on me, it was viscous and hurtful. At that point, she had no friends left in her life. I don't even think she was a particularly severe case of BPD. The behavior pattern is massively destructive regardless.
Shes actually quite severe. I do aswell and don't really burn relationships this way, more so through ghosting and isolation. Which also pushes people away but without the massive bridge burn. Imo high functioning people give the illusion of being less mentally ill, but thats all it is, an illusion.
I never really knew this aspect of BPD, as in the fact that they have a fragile sense of indentity. I always wondered why people with BPD experienced emotions more intensely, and this makes a lot of sense.
I have been diagnosed with a non defined form of schizophrenia, and I have to say. It shocked me to finally see a psychiatrist who is so well understanding of his work and study. and so socially skilled as well! I'm happy to have found this.
Oh my god yeah, adhd and gaming go hand in hand. Maybe it’s an addiction to hyper focusing, that’s kind of what appeals to me. It’s nice to come out of the constant distractions of everyday life
@@poocumber7806 I have avoided gaming my entire adult life because of my ADHD. I know how addicted I got to Sim City and the Sims as a teen, and when I got those taken away I ended up using dialup to play Slimeball. Haven't regularly gamed since I almost got kicked out of school after getting a 0.8 GPA one term at age 16. At 32 I now can't even get into it if I want to because I feel like it's inherently time wasting, even though I watch RUclips videos and it's not actually any more productive, it's just that guilt doesn't eat me alive with RUclips.
@@_lil_lil not that it necessarily eases your guilt, but try to think of it this way: Any activity that is either fulfilling, or makes you happy, is not a waste of time. Same for any activity that keeps your life(style) afloat like work, rest, cleaning and socializing. I hope you find something that gives you a piece of happiness; may it be gaming or reading novels or anything else. ♥
Always worth exploring your opinion on your life and especially upbringing more carefully. It is a hallmark of CPTSD and trauma sufferers to discredit and downplay their trauma history. Often times it becomes so long forgotten that you can’t tap into the emotional bank that previously held the now ensuing trauma symptoms. You were on a ship a long time ago. That ship sank and you were abandoned to stormy and cold seas. You’ve possibly given up hopes of a better reality. Your life is now nothing but stormy seas and with no end in sight you’ve accepted that this is just the way it is. You can become well again.
I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD in the hospital after my 5th suicide attempt. But I had no idea that I was doing it for the reaction from others. But it makes so much sense now. It has been over 11 years since the last attempt, but now i can see it coming out in people pleasing. I had no idea that I was still suffering from it.🤦♀️🤦♀️ WOW, this video was so beneficial. Thank you!
Thank you very much. That was one of the best explanations of BPD and the difference from bipolar that I have seen yet and I've been doing over a year of research.
I'm a male with bpd 24 diagnosed at 20, I havnt had the suicide attention seeking, but it's made my life hard in many other ways, the best way to describe it is you feel every emotion much much more intensely than the average person, from sadness to anger to grief, it's up to the person to deal with it. But it's hard and that's why we have a 10% death rate from suicide, and 87% attempt atleast once, I've attempted 9 times only one was for attention to test if the person cared. Life is alright now, but I am lonely, I'm considered very attractive, but dont let women close because they only care about sex when it comes to appearance, I don't let people close in general because I've been shattered and rebuilt so many times from friends and women, and the sad part is I never did anything to deserve any of it, I suffering silence.
I understand your experience and feelings and it is valid. Hate to tell you but you have done things to your friends and family to cause them to “shatter you”, you just don’t realize it, people don’t cut you out for no reason, especially family. There are two side to everything, and theirs are just as valid, usually. Everyone’s mental health is just as important as yours, and unfortunately the people closest to someone with BPD do suffer mental health issues due to their loved ones with BPD.
Thank you so much for this video, relating to borderline personality disorder I personally haven't been professionally diagnosed but i know it's a problem i face. It is extremely hard but listening to this video has given me confidence to persevere through on and try to improve myself.
@@seeaseea4118 The DSM itself says it's a guideline for "trained clinicians" to help spot the signs and symptoms of mental disorders "It requires clinical training to recognize when the combination of predisposing, precipitating, perpetuating, and protective factors has resulted in a psychopathological condition in which physical signs and symptoms exceed normal ranges." Yes we can read the DSM ourselves, and if we read it ourselves we'd learn we can't diagnose ourselves.
I have BPD and I never knew you made a video on this. I'm glad you've made one on this. I completely agree with all you said, especially the sense of self. I don't really know who I am anymore, I don't know what to do, and I can't even describe who I am. It's hard to keep on living when it's just not worth it anymore. I'm just existing at this point, with an image of myself inside of just.. a blank face and two eyes. My personality and morals change with my mood and you just... you were right on target with everything you said. Needing care is really important to me. I feel like a piece of shit whenever I feel like that, because I have huge cuts on my arm, and it's for that exact reason. I try to hide it, because people usually describe this behavior as being an "Attention Whore" but.. I just want to be loved and taken care of. I've never directly told someone that if they didn't do something I would kill myself, never turned it into an abusive thing, or even told an ex that if they broke up with me I would kill myself but, I have attempted it before, and told people I was going to do it, but in the end I just couldn't jump. I've also tried overdosing but my body just ate them up and I had no issues, so I just moved on. When people can't deal with me anymore, it hurts because I both feel like shit like you said because I made them run off, and because someone who cared for me has left me, so I try not to talk to anyone, it hurts too much to go through all of it. I don't know what to do, because I feel like I can't create any connections. I feel like I need the attention, whenever I meet someone I feel the need to be their friend immediately and cling to them, even though I know it's toxic. Controlling behavior is also something that I know is not a great thing, but... Well.. Once again, you described it perfectly. You probably won't ever see this, but I wanted to ask. How do you deal with the intense relationships? Like I said earlier, I latch on to people rather quickly and intensely, and I know it will always end the same way, but I can't do anything about it. I feel that need to be cared for. I've been to neurologists, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapy, admitted into a psychiatric ward, tried alcohol, smoking, medication, nothing helps. What do you recommend... ?
I struggle with BPD too although it doesn’t control my entire life, just how I feel from time to time because of my past relationships and what I been through. I don’t have a direct answer because i know how overwhelming it can be in the moment but i always try to distract myself with gaming and shake off my thoughts, you know what I mean? I try to be overly confident so my emotions change from feeling like a piece of shit to actually feeling semi-normal. Besides that, I’ll desperately feel like I need to be comforted and then that’s the part where I struggle because I haven’t figured out how to deal with it in that moment. I only really have a chance to control my emotions when I feel myself on the border of having my BPD triggered. It can come from a single thought randomly and that’s the crazy part. I know I’m not Dr. K but you commented fairly recently and wanted to help. I hope it works for you if you try it!
@@nutellabootycakes Thank you very much for your reply. :) Even when I wasn't properly diagnosed with BPD I've used gaming as a crutch to help me get by, but in the last few years I've lost most interest in it, or anything really. It came with the lack of self-sense where I just.. don't know myself enough to the point of knowing what I like anymore. I used to like TV Shows, Anime, Games and now I just spend my days rotting away watching RUclips videos. Nevertheless, thank you for taking the time to reply to what I said and I hope you are able to find a way to cope with the need to be comforted. And if so, feel free to tell me, it might actually help me as well :)
Reactionary responses from early childhood adaptations in adverse childhood experiences is largely to blame. To whom it may interest. I suggest you look into CPTSD and it’s many manifestations. Including BPD and NPD as those two in particular build the often toxic relationships between fawning codependents/Borderline presentation (abusee) and the overt/covert narcissist (abuser).
I'm somewhat confused by the characterization of bpd as fawning/abusee. I have cptsd with a default fawn response that's super codependent. I was in a relationship with a bpd partner for over 10 years and was abused for much of the time. I just dont see bpd as being inherently linked to fawning or being the abusee (apart from initial trauama) I am open to listening and learning though. As the lit on bpd is fairly one sided and I am only one person in one past relationship.
@@Neilad I’d be happy to share an example of what I’m talking about. These are short term adaptations that we bring on in our childhood to help us survive. However in the long term they often don’t serve us and often end up causing more life difficulty. I like to think of it as having a parka on in the Antarctic and being instantly transported to the Mojave desert. That same parka that helped you in one climate will surely lead to struggle and your potential demise in another. I hope this helps clarify what it is I am trying to convey. Cheers!
I wish i could come on stream to talk about my story. i feel pretty misrepresented by this video by someone who doesnt go through this even though I think Dr. K is a bomb at what he does
I got ADHD, Borderline personality disorder, substance use disorder, stress, anxiety, ptsd and depression. But I also game, how come i never knew of this channel... Imma subscribe! The bpd stuff you touch on are pretty accurate to me, i can confirm some of this myself!
@Richard Pajooh youre me hoddamnit, i was just too lazy to edit it, but ya i do that too! I don't trust anyone, especially not my self, so how can anyone fix my problems when I don't even know where to start explaning and damn straight don't have the energy to start shovelling. Imma go light a joint again i think... 😄 😴 Hope you can get some help tho!
I got constant mood swings everyday. At times I feel depressed and it lasts only a little time but it comes back at some point. I also feel like a burden to others and have hard time to get out of apartment.
I have BPD and I remember complaining a lot to my therapist that something that was awful for me was that I realized my parents never really focused on me when I tried to say something or express myself, they wouldn’t take me seriously or just neglect me but then if I had a bad grade ot got “actually sick” they would stop and look at me and that felt terrible because… I only mattered if I was broken? If it wasn’t visible they wouldn’t care or pay attention so eventually I started to get worried when I was having a good time because that meant they wouldn’t look at me at all! And I had those self sabotage thoughts and sometimes it stills happen but now how to get their attention properly or even be without them. About self harm and attempting I have gone through both but like, not as attention seeking at all, the self harm was more a sort of punishment or even relief since I deal with quiet borderline and the attempts were really just a desperate feeling of not being able to take the pain anymore (I’ve been through depression as well) and trying to escape or end it.
I appreciate this video but I think possibly moreso the comments. Hearing Dr. K explain what Borderline Personality Disorder is was like hearing somebody describe my boyfriend almost to a T. I've known him to have some very obvious mental hardships since I met him but he doesn't have the opportunity to get mental health evaluations/treatment like some of us do, so sometimes resources like this are all we have. And thanks to everybody here telling their stories and giving explanations I feel like I have a better understanding and can try to do better myself as support.
I formerly had BPD (not officially diagnosed, but I had all the symptoms in a severe form), and having a stable relationship makes all the difference. I still have a tendency to hyperfixate on various relationships, which lets me get close to people very quickly, but then there comes a point where I start losing interest because I internalize my assurance that these people will eventually leave me and it’s far easier to cut them out of my life before they can do it to me. It’s also quite draining to hyperfocus on relationships for extended periods of time on both sides. I once did this to a person and she called me out on my behaviour after I randomly started talking to her after a long period of silence because she didn’t understand, having assumed our paths were to diverge indefinitely. It got to a point where she sat me down, explained how my behaviour was problematic, and how it impacted her, and then gave me an ultimatum with a period of grace to see if I could make the changes necessary to accommodate a healthy relationship. It’s been over a year now, and I feel far more confident in who I am as a person regardless of how others feel about me. There are days where I can feel the residual affects of BPD and if I’m not careful, I know I can fall back into dangerous habits and mindsets, but having a person who values me and pushes me to do better has been a deeply rewarding experience. Most people in the past have given up on me after we drifted apart, so the perseverance really made all the difference. But it’s extremely hard on the person in the supporting role, and she asserts that’s not something she would ever want to do again.
Wow, this really explains the falling out I had with a friend this year. I always assumed he was just a narcissist, and maybe he was or wasnt, but I could not handle him for long periods of time. My empathy began to run dry when he constantly wanted validation for everything he did.
What was your chief issue with filling that emotional void disguised as validation seeking? Curious to see if it was a personal threshold issue or perhaps where you draw the line on friendships.
@@JOATiDetermined i really enjoy that question. It's as if, to me, you are trying to get across the idea that everyone deserves love and connection. I dig that.
Dr Daniel Fox has an awesome channel all about BPD if you are cursed with this horrible illness. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, even those who blame the sufferers for having it.
@@bleepbloop6234 I think it would be easier to understand where Mr Meow is coming from if you'd had extensive interactions with people with BPD. My ex and stepsister both have it and it's pretty insane how good they are at manipulating you and victimizing themselves. They get everyone around them to believe that they are victims, which necessitates perpetrators -- and the harm that causes to other people can get pretty unreal. It's not really about condemning them for their behavior, it's that if you sum up the amount of emotional damage that occurs, most of it happens to the people around them. That's not to say that they aren't genuinely suffering -- they are -- but engaging with them and showing the sympathy you feel towards them pretty much always causes you to get harmed by them. It's a really fucked up and insidious disorder.
Was with the person who had bpd and it was one of the most painful experiences ever. I was not the most mentally healthy person ever and had my stuff going on and was really struggling with fear of socialization and found it extremely hard to go out and meet people. She always knew it, and i told her how much i want to change it (especially because we were moving in the bigger city for studying abroad) and still even after hours talking to her, how much i wanna meet new people, so i'm not feeling this lonely in this big town (she was still not there with me, and i was not even sure if she's making it tbh) but in the end every time when i would go outside and try find some friends and share about that with her, she would start a big argue with me on the phone saying that i'm the worst, that i don't love her and don't care about her. The second thing what made me feel kinda more suicidal then i was before we even met was, that she made everything about herself. She knew that i had hard time excepting my own art and i felt like i was doing really bad and it was undescribably painful, 'cause it mean the whole world for me. And still, even when i would be able to show her my paintings, instead of saying something cheerful, the only thing that she would always say is "yeah you're so great and i'm literally nothing, useful, untalented piece of shit", and how can words like this not make me feel even worst? I was always trying to stay the most calm and supportive person for her, until i guess it totally broke me. Moreover, every time when i tried to leave, she would say that she's gonna just kill herself, because she has no meaning without me. So i was kinda stuck in the whole thing, totally burn outed. Hope you guys making some good dates and researches before starting some relationships and when you see that the person you're with is absolutely not okay, please find some help before it affects you, stay safe y'all
Borderline is different than things like bipolar disorder as well because borderline is gonna show up in different ways for different people and depending on what role you play in the borderline’s life they’re gonna act different. Some people with borderline are incredibly confrontational, have noticeable anger issues, sometimes get violent. Other people with borderline, like myself, tend to take their anger out on themselves because they blame themselves for everything, any slight change in tone, Example: My boyfriend hasn’t texted back yet? He’s probably lost interest like I knew he would because everyone leaves me eventually. I don’t know what he ever saw in me in the first place. If I was prettier he wouldn’t do this, ugh I hate myself I’m never eating again. That’s the type of shit my brain would pull but someone else with borderline might react to the same situation in a completely different yet equally irrational way, Like,,, he’s still not texting back after I told him I wasn’t feeling good? I would never do that to him, what an asshole, I deserve better than this, If he won’t help me I’ll just have to ask another guy. That’ll teach him to not ignore me again. Borderline can be difficult to spot if you don’t fit the stereotypes However bipolar is the same no matter what, like some people might be more prone to shopping than others when manic but either way it’s very obvious when someone swings from mania to depression.
That's everyone. I don't think your description is borderline at all. There are millions of people on dating apps and are all doing the same. Men exhibit that second behavior even more by having a roster of potential dates in case the main date cancels. I was just talking to a man who's recently divorced and ofc hes on dating apps. Hes a pilot so he's the one who wasn't giving much attention and ignoring his marriage. Anyway, he got a date and the date eventually canceled, he tried to get another date last minute but couldn't so he asked his ex wife to bring his son. So at last moment he contacted the ex and used the child as a back up so he wouldnt be alone.
My Mom has BPD and it's really hard trying to connect with her. There are times where I have to keep my distance from her because it will start to affect my mood too much. She told me she is getting help but she also lies a lot so it's hard to tell if that is true. I'm going to buy the book you recommended and hope I can get a deeper understanding on BPD. Thank you, Dr. K!
What can I do against this paranoid behaviour stemming from insecurity? In my last relationship I suddenly went mentally batshit (without letting her feel any of it) because I thought exactly: I tricked her into liking me and she'll leave as soon as she realises there are better people. It was awful. How do I prevent that?
I'm no expert an I don't know about your situation but here's my version of some wholesome advice that you can take to the bank! ... Try not to do things that you dont value (procrastinate, smoking, etc). Instead, do things that are difficult and make you proud of yourself. Try to find and build an image of a version of yourself that you admire, love and value. That way you will respect yourself and will be confident in others respecting you. Personally, I believe in this strategy strongly and I make efforts everyday to get there. I meditate while smiling and saying everything's ok to myself (lol). I also write about my desires and ambitions as well as some hard truths. I find that it's not easy and I do slip up alot but I feel like I hsve to keep trying because I owe it to myself snd the others around me right? be it family, close friends or even the shop keeper whom i have never met before...so I try yakno... I feel your pain and I hope this helps!
Honestly same - I feel as though I charm them somehow in the beginning stages and that they will leave me for someone better because there will always be someone better.
I have BPD and this video is a fantastic way to describe the BPD dynamic. I've seen a lot of these videos but this seems to get to the crux of the issue.
A thing that i want to point out is that sometimes cutting behavior imo is done with the thought 'if i feel physical pain it relieves the psychological one at least temporarily'
in 2012-2013, while i was 7-8, i watched my dad commit domestic violence to my mom, i was bullied physically verbally and mentally, I tried to get help about the bullying from teacher who ignored me. Then my dad told me he was going to stay over at his friend’s place for a night but i knew deep down he wouldnt come back so i tried to beg him crying screaming but he left. He said he’d come beck the next day at 7am so i woke up at 6:45 am to wait for my dad, then i called him at 7:05 when he wasn’t home yet to where he responded to saying he was never coming home. Then, my mom was becoming a alcoholic, started self harming, binge ate/participated in disordered eating and called it stress eating, and started watching porn. I was also bullied for having a diary and so i ripped it up and threw it (I now regret this because i really want to remember everything that happened because of my dissociative amnesia). 2013-2015 I had a best friend who i would constantly get angry at even if it was a really small thing. I believe now that this is also where i started showing symptoms of idealisation and devaluation. I would change my personality with different friends but was only my "true" self with my best friend. in 2015 my mom was going into debt trying to raise my sister and me. 2016-2017 I was once again bulied for my weight and was isolated by my group of friends. 2018 I was groomed by a 27 year old online as a 13 year old and was brainwashed into sending nudes. i continuously found men and women above the age of 20 to sext. I also started masking here. 2019 I got into a relationship with someone who had depression, relapsed into cutting because he was self harming, and got cheated on 3 times. I developed a restrictive ed and called it "healthy eating" and got diagnosed with depression and cptsd. 2020-2022 through these years, i got into 8 other intense relationships, including 1 where the s/o was a stalker.I had a counsellor, psychologist, and psychiatrist but gave up because treatment for my depression never worked. I stopped taking my meds around 2022 and lied my way out of the the sessions. My mom also worsened things by constantly telling me me being on ssris were making me gain weight. 2023-now i got into a relationship with my current boyfriend, realised we had many struggles due to differences in personality. I got into a uni where I'm studying psychology. This is where i found out he was possibly on the spectrum and i was most probably misdiagnosed as depression and instead had bpd. I'm waiting to get my government covered health expenses approved so i can go seek a professional to find out whats going on with me.
I have BPD and when I experience suicidal ideation or attempt suicide it is definitely not because I'm seeking the attention from others, maybe that's a part of it who knows I'm not an expert but I can say with certainty its because of this lack of sense of self and feeling unloved that I genuinely want to take my own life. To limit it to just simply attention seeking makes it sound like we're all manipulative terrible people which you've illustrated yourself that people with BPD have a tendency to feel about ourselves and this helps reaffirm our internal biases. This characterisation doesn't help us resolve these feelings, it only stimulates it even further.
I have too, but I disagree with you; you are seeking attention, and there's nothing wrong with seeking attention. It's just the manner which is really inappropriate. Having a relationship with a person who accepts you the way you are is very helpful. You also need to work on your independancy, meaning you learn to take responsibility for your emotions. I feel bad, I feel sad, I feel angry, and I don't blame you for it. Eventually you realize you've learned to feel bad and sad, you didn't have any secure caretakers who eluded those healthy emotional traits. Another thing, stop feeling bad about feeling bad, meaning it's okay that you feel bad or weak or whatever, then you can actually grow in a healthy manner. Until you let go of the shame of your past experience and action's, you won't be secure. Just be authentic and feel what you feel, find people who will accept you, and accept yourself also, even when people will not. You are a not a bad powerless person, you are powerful and capable of progressing just like everyone else. That is the truth my friend, now go live that truth and allow yourself to feel what you feel without Shame or regret, that's the real you.
@@GM-yb5yg Listen I don't dispute most of what you said but no I'm sorry telling someone that has tried to take their own life is a grab for attention is just beyond me; I have no words. When I've tried to take my own life before it wasn't so others would pity me or the like, most of my attention was focused on my own self hatred and not wanting to be a part of this world, it was completely centered around the self and not of the opinions of others. It was not an attempt to gain sympathy from others. I know this because of my own anecdotal experience. I was not a manipulator looking for attention and to add to that I've had several attempts (OD attempts) that failed that I kept to myself and didn't tell a soul, nobody knew except for myself. So how in that instance was I seeking the attention of others? But as I've said previously your assumptions about my illness aren't entirely wrong but this one particularly is and it only adds to the stigma. Sometimes depression and BPD go hand and hand and if this stigma carries on what happens when I do take my own life? Was that also a cry for attention? Seeking attention is not a bad thing but not all cases are and we need to be careful about our language around this topic because it only further stigmatises the condition
Just from reading the comments it seems like there are many differences between people with BPD and what specific things they might do and the reasons they might do them? I think Dr.K was just giving a more general overview of how BPD works and what goes through someone's mind who has it. Just here in the comments alone some people are saying they'd hurt themselves because they did in fact, just want attention/were making a cry for help, and some who hurt themselves because they just feel awful.
@@princesseuphemia1007 Yeah that's an interesting observation, I guess it just proves you can't pigeonhole everyone with a certain diagnosis with blanket statements because we all experience it differently at the end of the day. My symptoms may look different to another's. I think that's precisely why I was upset initially at Dr K's overview because it felt more like a gathering of assumptions and stereotypes but you're right I can also see it's a complicated topic that can't really be summarised in a few short sentences.
@@diankaytt Yeah the thing with diagnoses is that they are more like fuzzy guidelines to describe someone than they are clear rules that each person with that diagnosis will follow, and therapists have to diagnose their patients with something specific in order for insurance companies to help fund their treatment. That's why the DSM keeps getting longer and longer is because it's so hard to lump the full range of human brains into just a few dozen diagnoses, so they keep expanding on it to better help patients and appease the insurance companies at the same time.
> [Dunning-Kruger stuff] In the paper I've read, it may be the original, the top third of performers on purely intellectual tasks _underestimate_ their own (relative) performance, whereas the bottom two thirds overestimate themselves. If you get promoted and pushed up the skill hierarchy until you're average in comparison to your peers, the top performers will eventually compare themselves to other top performers and feel average _compared to other top performers_ rather than compared to the whole population. But if top performers feel average they underestimate themselves.
To generalize BPD as attention seeking is off however coming from a person who have had BPD The complete lack / no foundational sense of self is completely true and over time it’s the coping mechanism that becomes their personality
I have an history of surround myself with really demanding/almost abusive people who rely on me a lot and was never there for me. II understood that the structure was already running n my family, but the worst was that I had the same pattern in the peopl I choose by my own, meaning that I was the one repeating the pattern. Is today that I get how I was doing it. Thanks doc. Now it looks obvious.
On one hand like it nice to know about this stuff. But since I got finally got diagnosed and been learning more and more. I find myself shutting out people or and more. Like I already had a fear of attachment. Most ally I dont know what happend when I attach. Learning about bpd and being diagnosed has only made that fear worst.
Nobody talks about the grief that you experience when you have BPD. I didn’t ask for this and it took a lot from me. I have gotten to a stable place but relationships are my downfall. I know being with me can be traumatic. Sending love to all 💚
Just a PSA that gestures of suicidality are not just gestures. There is a reason that 1 in 10 of us actually die by suicide. We have a 50-fold increased chance of attempting suicide compared to the general population. There is a real, genuine risk that we will harm ourselves. I just wanted to say this because Dr K said it like it was only for attention and not actually serious, but it is not just for attention, to us it is literally a matter of life and death. We genuinely feel like we have to die to escape the pain.
@lycheemyusic I think it is well known and even mentioned in the video that BPD does have high levels of suicidal attempts, not just the attention grabbing. 😉
I’ve been watching so many videos from this channel about BPD because I date someone with it and its been almost 4 months together and I love her so so much, so I really do my best to understand her because I never studied anything similar, and now that I’m watching this videos I feel that I might have something similar to it so I enrolled on therapy myself because sometimes bpd in my relationship can actually make me get panic attacks every second but I’m always trying my best to not overreact because I love her and I don’t want her to feel bad about it, she is my world and I’m really doing the best that I can for us.
My older brother had a mental breakdown at 27 and my parents (not so stellar parents) neglected his care and me being the mini-nurse at the time (I was like 15) they didn't say anything when I delegated his care to myself. I was giving him his pills and he had not been taking it, I was a kid so I was scared of my own brother so I'd just assume he was taking them. Later, he had a mouth full of pills and started smiling at me in the most Joker-esque way so I ran away and told my parents. They didn't care, later that brother started getting more symptomatic and screaming at random times during the day- all my parents would do was yell back at him cause they didn't know what else to do, being older, I know it must have sucked for them to know their kids inherited whatever mental illness they were carriers for.
I have a lot of BPD characteristics as well as other psychiatric problems. I have been very suicidal at times, but I do not make suicide attempts or cut or call people to threaten suicide. It's disturbing to think that if I ever discuss my suicidal ideation with someone that they'll think I'm being manipulative. Isolating myself is the way I keep my toxicity from spreading, but this has served me poorly.
Me and my family basically all have emotional lability - I looked that up a couple years ago and thought I had it, then you described what it's like, and now I know not only do I, but my whole immediate family does, too. At least me, my sisters and my mom do.
I once met this woman who presented like she had no emotional control. Like none at all. I’m talking like her mood swings were so instantaneous and complete it was legitimately unsettling. She could go from crying actual tears of sadness and grief and then, I kid you not, 5 mins later would be laughing hysterically and dancing around about something else. It was unnerving and I have no idea how my ex friend could stand to hang out with her.
I think I have bpd, and Im afraid of it destroying my relationships, this video was very eye opening and I hope anyone who struggles with this finds a way to content
Please let us remember that there is no one size fits all when trying to explain these disorders. My experience of bpd suicidal ideation has never been about garnering sympathy or attention from others- on the contrary; it is instead a personal and very private quest to leave this earth.
Several people are saying the same thing here. I keep putting this comment under everyone who's saying that, so people realize it's not just them. I've had the absolute desire to do it and never once would I want someone to come running to me just to manipulate them into caring. It's just that the pain is that deep i can't hold it in anymore.
Thank you for another great and highly appreciated video. You always calm me down and help me to get back to a better, more rational and objective state of mind. Haven’t read the book Walking on Eggshells because a lot of people with BPD feel it is not the best representation for them and has created further stigmatization but it’s always recommended reading. I’m not BPD but do listen to info on it as a way to understand more about the condition.
Great definition of mania. I have BPD and BP1 during mania I feel exhausted but my brain is so active I physically CANNOT SLEEP I'll go 4-5 days sleeping 2hrs a night. I feel exhausted but cant stop. and once I crash I become so fatigued I think Im sick.
I have BPD but i watched a lot of stuff about it and ' identified' it's behavior so i started suppressing the bpd traits and negative parts many years ago and now, many years after, i think i've taken control over my bpd to a very high degree and it barely affects me in comparison to before. I'm sure its still there and its impossible to remove it 100% but i feel much better and i actively know/understand whats from bpd and what's not
Super glad for you, I’m actively trying to be on that road. It’s tough but im able to be “high functioning” for long periods of time though i do fall back into old behaviours.. i wish u the best!!
If you have consistently had people hurt or abandon you before you're old enough to form who you are as a person, i.e. before 10 years old. You're going to struggle with this in a form. That's so many people. Men and women. I think this is more widespread in men, and most men don't go in for dialectic behavior.
i hate that people say it’s attention seeking when we express our emotions. like no? just because we seem to have tantrums doesn’t mean it’s for attention that’s just how we think. esp with like sh and suicidal tendencies, sure some people may but a lot don’t. hearing we’re just seeking attention is super negative to us too, just like the example of being called an asshole he used
and most of the time we aren’t like, i’m gonna kms if you don’t come here. we need to vent, it’s how we cope and the way you said we’d like send a picture of a bottle of pills no what the fuck? that’s plain manipulation, not bpd, it’s being a bad person. we can vent and shit but come fucking on dude, your a doctor don’t throw this shit around making us seem even more like shitty fucking people
@@Ghost-yt2kh before I was diagnosed in 2020, had all 9 criteria, I also didn’t see it this way. Now after DBT, MBSR, x2 a week talk therapy, actively being in AA and NA… I get it now… I do. Ofc, I didn’t see it this way back in time, bc how overwhelmingly intense my emotions that made me do that felt. It’s a complicated entanglement of disability to self-soothe, abandonment issues, biochemistry etc, but when we over-simplify we do seek somebody else’s attention. To do the self-soothing work for us, coz we can’t use our head and have no tools to do so
We arent sure what i have yet but its very similar to this but my mind and body are completely seperate. Even if i can experience my body having anxiety or ptsd, my mind doesnt register it. They say i have severer depression, severe both type of adhd, a manic disorder, and a personality disorder unspecified. But i feel like there is something missing. The manic depression part can explain the nulling of emotion, but the complete disconnect not just from my body but from the physical world is unsettling. For an entire year about 4-5 years ago i experienced a super severe version of this. The worst year of my life and i was 14 to 15 years old. Back on track; the diconnect from myself was to apparent during those times that even though my mind could register and see the world it wasnt doing what the body did, their functions were separate. I have entire gaps in my memory with fuzzy memories of me having fun, yet it was the world year of my life. IDK what to do because my therapist and everyone in my life believes that im overthinking, overreacting, or that it is just manic symptoms. Im in my first year of college and i already havent done work all year because of this. My body has gotten used to living life normally here, but because my mind actually needs to be there for work i cant do it. And if i started the work at the beginning of the year im sure i could have done it with my mind elsewhere, but because of adaptation to the environment taking so long i cant. Another issue which may be tied to this is that i feel like im the only person in this world. Noone understands me, literally, and i dont understand others. I have lots of empathy, but somewhere along the way it sometimes leaves me. I need help but i dont cant buy your program/call/therapy thing. I just dont know what to do since my life is a mess, i dont wanna go back home due to emoional abuse from stepdad, and ive been told all my life im extremely intelligent yet i cant even use that intelligence in the slightest since i was 13.
I struggle with CPTSD and co-occurring substance use disorder (currently clean/sober for 18 months). My CPTSD was caused by growing up with a parent with severe BPD that could go into a rage or become violent in the blink of an eye. In my adulthood they would often call and threaten suicide and I’d spend hours talking them down. This would send me spiraling with my CPTSD symptoms and increased substance use. Eventually, I just had a wellness check done instead of me being the one to “save them.” They were furious that I did that, but the suicide threats stopped.
really insightful video but for many pwBPD 8:57 is just not true. we DO feel like it gets that much to the point where suicide feels like the only option to "get over" our storms of feelings. its so hard.
I have BPD but its not as severe as some people like some people in the comments referred to im seeking medical help soon so hopefully ill get better soon :D
When I was diagnosed with BPD the doctor worded it in such a way that I felt like I was the problem. And lately whenever I read/hear about BPD it feels like I was right.
Tbh if you don’t have the awareness of what you’re doing you may be causing issues but you just need to work on it and don’t be hard on yourself , it’s a process. I loved someone with bpd, but she was arrogant and undiagnosed, I was always reasoning with her but she just rolled her eyes at me then when I finally got really mad after her treating me like used toilet paper she seemed to take her actions seriously and then fell into a manipulative relationship with a true narcissist. I wish she would have opened up to me, it was over a year and she seemed to self sabatoge all our progress, bc she never bothered to explain her emotions I never knew if she was lying or what she even understood. I apologized after bc I consider she might have a mental issue, unfortunately she was encouraged to split on me by the narcissist. I loved her so much too but I was convinced she was mean on purpose. So iso what you’ve been through but just try and work on it and be very honest with people. Don’t hide it, no one can accommodate if you don’t let them know whats in your heart
My close female friend had a terrible, terrible bpd partner. Who was a constant user of bath salts, he was jobless, he cheated on her, he lied to her, he betrayed her, he threatened her with unaliving himself if she leaves him and gave her ptsd. Some of these people are too far gone and it's impossible to help them. I personally try to stay away from them. Of course, all of these people are different and some of them can be stabilized.
I was diagnosed with bipolar 1, but my mood swaps throughout the day based on how my interactions go. If someone is rude, i become upset and it doesnt change until someone is nice (or potentially when something good happens to me, but its rare). My mood can swap many many many times throughout the day, or it can swap a few times, entirely based on my interactions. I also have a very vague idea of who i am as a person. If someone insults me, i become very hateful inside, but i push it down. If someone is kind to me, i feel super good and compelled to do something for them (I used to buy people food or drinks because it would make them happy, but i realised i did that because it made me happy when they said how nice that was of me)
I really hate when i have to go see a new psych nurse or social worker or counselor and I'm in an elevated mood, coming out of a depressive state. They ALWAYS jump to the conclusion that it is bipolar disorder. It's not. It's the emotional liability of ADHD combined with situational anxiety - needing to pull myself out of a depressed state because it's causing problems. So frustrating.
I am nearly 53 years old and have BPD, BP1, PTSD, ADD and a few minor issues. My therapist wants to "fix" my BPD, but at my age, I feel this is who I am and I don't know if I want to change, I am who I am, however, those mental conditions don't play well together. So, I have learned to adjust to these issues. I am relatively happy, but winters are really hard (with depression) and I also have really low feelings of myself. Dumb question, but do you really think it's worth the effort of trying to change me? I have been BP for a long time, but the BPD is fairly new and I don't get it because I have been this way for so long. I love your videos. I have my own *mental* channel & try to help others. It helps make me feel better, like a diary. Take care & Thank you. Oh I'm not a gamer, but it's ok. Oh, I've been in therapy for 39 years.
I'm not diagnosed with BPD but I am diagnosed PTSD. I'm terrified that do have BPD because I show a lot of symptoms of it. I'm working on it the best I can by myself because I'm unable to get medical intervention, I hope anyone else whos struggling with this is able to get through it
My brother needs to hear this. It’s laid out so simply it really strikes a chord. Saying BPD is actually logical is so accurate. It’s just a perversion of logic. I’ve been trying to find a way of saying that besides “illogical/unreasonable/irrational. Knowing my brother though he’d find some way to completely discredit the video.
I feel like a lot is suicidality that BPD people experience is not always for attention. I feel like this type of BPD where people "send pictures" and selfharm for "attention" is a specific type of BPD. Not everyone with BPD does that, in fact, a lot of people I know with BPD do not do that.
Asuka in Evangelion. Ugh, I think this is my problem. Every time I hear about it it seems like this is my problem. But a lot of therapists won’t even take BPD people in.
Can you do a video like this about both types of bipolar? I would personally love to hear your perspective about when you have to live with both bipolar and a ADHD diagnosis. My sister has this and I just want to understand more about it from a psychologist.
I have never been diagnosed with bpd but my ex told his therapist about me and thats what she said it sounded like i have. I have been to many therapists and they only came up with cptsd, major depression, and anxiety. The description is really right in some ways and in others not at all. I've never had a stable relationship. I've never had one where i wasn't abusive. I've never threatened suicide or anything. I don't really talk about my problems cause it doesn't help nor has anyone ever cared. If something hurts i just shut myself down outwardly and avoid. I dunno.
7:48 in that example isn’t that just overthinking? Like I think I understand when he says there’s nuance and overlap. Cuz like I was thinking that they didn’t like and such but then I grew to understand that just because we can send instant messaging doesn’t mean people are gonna respond instantly, they could be busy at the moment etc. I’m also a people pleaser trying not to be so maybe that plays a part. I’m just venting this isn’t a serious post
I have bpd and can confirm this is too accurate. It's a horrid condition. But I'm grateful it isn't narcissism. They're assholes deep down. Borderlines, on the other hand, are sweet and kind and sensitive deep down. We just loose control entirely. I still don't recommend ever dating one, but at least you can sleep well knowing that we really never mean harm. It's fight or flight, trauma triggers, which are everywhere when your whole childhood was invalidating. Btw, EMDR works excellently over time. Edit: It never was bpd. I have MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome). It looks a lot like any mental health condition. Please look into health explanations with the body before going to therapy or getting a mental health diagnosis. Spread the word.
0:45 correct me if I'm wrong, but according to the best of my knowledge, each and every psychopathology cannot be viewed as independent from your personality. As far as I know, a perception of a mental disorder of any kind (PERHAPS with the exception of neurodevelopmental ones) that views the psychopathology as something that's akin or functionally similar to diabetes or the common flu is counterproductive at best. Bipolar disorder is a serious condition that has significant genetic and hereditary risk factors, no doubt. But, looking at it as a "sickness" that's independent of your psyche hinders rehabilitation. If you think otherwise, let me know. Edit: 0:55 > 0:45
BPDs really benefit from having emotionally stable friends who can consistently offer small words/acts of affirmation, but never react with grand gestures. Drop a few words of affirmation when they're not expecting to help them internalize it, and do exactly the same thing when they're acting up. Over time, some of them will learn that just because you don't play their game, it doesn't mean you don't value them. That way they'll be less desperate for you to prove it.
EDIT: Sigh. Since people seem awfully offended by the phrase "you don't play their game", I'll clarify... It means "you won't participate in their maladaptive strategy to cope with their emotional dysregulation", and it's not meant to judge anyone with BPD, including myself ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I try to do that for my friends but no one ever does it for me which kinda hurts. I feel like the only way I get any affirmation in my life is when I'm seeking it out at which point it doesn't feel genuine and makes me feel guilty for asking
Spot on
@@cory99998 you are absolutely right and you are describing in my opinion the core of BPD. Your parents didn't know to offer you the attention and affection you needed at the right time, so you developed guilt for that need. Besides that, that is also where the volatility of BPD comes from because this is how your brain understood things work. If you didn't receive the attention you needed, your brain found a way to get it. And your parents only giving you attention only then, so you gained this mechanism. It's only normal that if a need is not met, for it to escalate into an intense emotion. parents should take care of children's need, not only when they are 10/10, but also when they are 1-2-3-4-5/10, in order to teach them their self-worth and how to internalise their own personal way of taking care of their needs and emotions. Unfortunately, now you surround yourself with people that do thae same, because they are reflecting your belief aboout how the world should work, so the cycle is repeated and the trauma is relived. If you want my opinion, you can talk to your friends and explain how these things worked for you in childhood, and how you feel now as a a consequence, and if those friends are able to offer you what you need, good, if not, it's still good, becuase no one is obliged to offer you, but you need to find people that can offer you what you need, because if not, you are repeating a trauma cycle. I know you are sensitive and yuou feel like your friends just couldn't take care of you in the way you need, which is partially true. You need their OCASIONAL help to teach yourself a new way of viewing the world, but only ocasionally, not all the time since its impossible for others to take care of you all the time. But I guarantee, the right people will understand you and love you as you are, when you find them, with all of your strenghts and weakness. Much love and if you feel like you have BPD and your life is hard, please search for therapy.
@@RaduP3 Do you feel like that’s a fair assumption from the tiny amount of context he gave?
I have BPD and this is so fkn true.
As a person with BPD, I want to say that a lot of my BPD symptoms come from adverse childhood trauma. My mom left me when I was 5, which created huge abandonment issues for me, I get paranoid when I think of people leaving me. I have isolated myself so much to prevent the pain and fear and paranoia of everyone leaving me. Everyone’s situation is different though.
Yeah, i can relate... - Hope you're fine and get through this.
Could not relate more.
How do you make that flip mentality? I objectively had a good childhood but Jesus Christ I could write a novel of things my parents didn't do emotionally or physically. But it's not like anyone knows how to parent so I feel bad when I look back through my eyes and say they were bad or something.
And yes schizophrenia runs in my family but no one ever said it to me because they were ashamed or something of my great uncle for having it* , and didn't feel the need to share it, till like 7 months ago I'm 21 now been dealing with this same train of thought since 05' (*idk 70s stigmas on mental shit)
At first I thought I don't have BPD because I don't care so much about other peoples opinion but then on the other hand I isolate myself so much I don't even want to know what other people think about me. Probably because I automatically assume they think negatively about me or would think negatively about me if they knew me better. So I keep telling myself I am better off alone and I don't care what other people think even though I clearly do otherwise I wouldn't be so anxious.
You’re real and valid, you’re a good person
I was diagnosed with BPD tendencies a year ago and am doing therapy for it. Wanted to share some things I learned, maybe it helps you if you have BPD, or just general knowledge about people with BPD. BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder is a personality-type adaption that appears influenced by 2 factors: 1. a genetic part, where the person is ..how to say...emotionally sensible, feels things deeply, the goods and the bads.
2. family and general environment where that sensivity from point number 1 isn't nurtured and even yet, abused. the child is very sensitive but is surrounded by people that cannot teach/learn the kid to adapt to life in his/hers brain structure. more than that, it usually comes, from what I know, and which was also my case, from abuse. A parent, mother ( from what I heard this is the majority) or a father (but it's more rare since the mother is more important for a child) isn't able, because of her own personality type and difficulty of adaption to life, to show the child a stable connection. She is either too close, either too far, the child never feeling in this case a constant stable feeling of connection. All the child knows is 2 things: I will be abandoned and no one will take care of myself, I am useless in this world and this world is a very dangerous place. And the other thing is that when the parent returns, there are no boundaries, they will get too close, and your needs will not matter. Imagine for a baby that didn't even reach the language stage of life to feel like the only person in this world that can take care of him...will not respond, will not be there. It's an unconscious connection that is being done in which the child forms the idea that help is not coming when it is needed. and that changes the way the brain works, remember while having a genetical sensivity. After a need comes and is not fullfilled, the brain understands that there is no one coming, and there comes numbness. An unfulfilled need reaches the peak of frustration, all the time, which means, that the brain will change to adapt to the unfulfilled needs and the frustration of those unfulfilled needs, creating the adaptation of not being able to be in touch with yourself any longer, because if you would do that, you would feel too much pain and frustration. So the body (brain and chemistry) chooses to ignore that, for it's own survival. Also, the whole fast-flight neurological system is almost all the time active as well because of this adaption. If you grew up learning that there will be bombs everywhere you step on, you will walk your whole life knowing that there might be bombs where you step.And that is how BPD adaptation comes and why we BPD people do not have any idea about what's going on with us. We never had an opportunity to learn to do that, to be in touch with ourselves, our emotions, wants and needs because we were all the time preoccupied on how to cope with some abuser.. our needs were not important, our survival was met as long as the shitty parent was happy, that meant our survival, since food was coming. For me it was my father, who is a narcissist. I was trained to be his slave, even now at 28 years old when I live all alone by myself he still feels entilted to things from me and acts like a maniac whenever he doesn't get what he wants. Verbal abuse, manipulation, emotional pressuring. These are the environments we grow up in. But it's ok, it's treatable, in a way that you can live a mostly normal life, with incidents from time to time, but mostly normal as i said. Oh, and you need therapy, like a lot, many years, and I think personally that I will do for my whole life since its hard without and also there is a possibility for the coping tools to fail and to "fall". So I think my relationship with my therapist will be a close one during all my life lol.
Well, if you read this and you have BPD, please go in therapy, it's hard but it's fun and when you see results, trust me you will feel like a buldoser is lifted from your chest. Also you will see a new side of the world, were you feel safe, seen and heard and in which you MATTER, which if you are like me, will feel amazing
My ex gf was diagnosed with BPD after I left her. The last paragraph made me feel better about leaving after all of her begging for me to not abandon her. Thank you for the wisdom
This post gave me a lot of hope. Thank you.
Fingers crossed for you ❤️ thanks for sharing!
Thanks for writing this!
@@goosebombardi After you broke up with her, did you experience dreams in which she tried to stop you from leaving her?
BPD is such a special kind of hell...
You may not have BPD. MCAS looks a ton like it. Other mast cell disorders do as well. Please look into them.
Creds? I was misdiagnosed with bpd and actually have MCAS.
@@Sarahizahhsum I believe I have BPD and it really manifested when I was ten. I had adolescent arthritis and it runs in the family. Will look into this.
Tell me about it. I have a sibling with BPD and it’s monstrous. Lots of suffering, especially when combined with a chronic physical illness.
indeed :/
I feel like I exhibit BPD rather atypically. I can recognize quite clinically that my behavior is toxic and my solution was to completely isolate myself. So for a while I didn't resonate at all with the diagnosis, I imposed a sort of sociopathy onto myself. After three years of being surrounded by stable, professional help, I was able to pull the plug and let the volcano explode, so to speak. I can't stress enough how important it is to be surrounded by stable people. It's absolute hell sometimes, but worth it.
Thank you for this advice.
Unfortunately some people can’t get that stability
thats happening to me currently. i dont let myself create meaningful relationships out of fear that im toxic. very painful, would not reccomend !!!
It could be what they call "quite bpd"...
Agree this this comment. Quiet BPD or high functioning BPD is characterised by an internal expression of BPD as opposed to outwardly visible BPD@@theGhostSteward
Im an older BPD and honestly, in my experience, it gets easier with age.
I am nowhere near as bad as i used to be.
However - it still gets bad.
It makes a difference to get to know your triggers and try and explore them. Baby steps though because BPD is already mentally exhausting.
If you have BPD, I see you and i hear you and i know its so hard. I know.
Its not your fault.
My mom has BPD.
She kept it a secret for my entire childhood.
I only ever found out once I became an adult and my grandparents told me they kept it under wraps to allow her to attempt to have a normal life/find a husband/etc.
She always would over-dramatize situations, like, stomping away in public when upset, collapsing and sobbing when getting small injuries like stubbing a toe, and other attention seeking behaviors.
When my parents got divorced when I was 4, she took my Dad to court to get my and my siblings' names changed to be hyphenated "because she didn't want us to forget about her".
It's really sad, she mooched off her parents her whole life and they eventually cut her loose, she could never hold a job, and now I really don't know what's going on with her. I feel a little bad for ignoring her texts sometimes but I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with it. She is in denial that she has a mental illness, and didn't "accept" her diagnosis. Really sad.
damn.
I have a different but similar upbringing with a narcissistic mother. She was wayyyy controlling during my childhood and over raging + dramatizing situations whenever she felt something was out of her control. Also very manipulative and had phases that would create a cycle of making you emotionally atached to her and then bringing you down and verbally destroying you and making everything your foult. At age 22 after a huge fight I stopped loving her. I didnt care even if she died and I pitied her when she was trying to persuade me. All the fighting in my childhood made me learn to detach from feelinig toward a childish parent who wants more.
My family is dysfunctional but we always give eachother everything because my father is a really hardworking good person. So my values are shaped around that. If my mother has problems with finances I would help her but I wont emotionally engage in any way. I wont invest myself to love her ever again.
Take a long hard look at your grandparents. It doesnt just come from nowhere
If she doesn't have the support that she needs from the only people In the world that she loves, she's most likely not going to live very long. You may not be able to handle her but I know you are able to regulate your emotions and how you cope in life. The fact that her parents cut her off is horrible and I cannot imagine how she feels. We understand that dealing with us is sometimes unbearable. not only do we have to live with constantly letting the people that we care about down but we have to live with the way we feel inside and the people we hurt. There are programs out there that can help you understand what your mom is going through and if I was you I would check one out. If I didn't have the support of my daughter and my mom I probably would have left this world a long time ago. I'm just being real
The sad thing is; your mothers bpd didn't obviously is a result of your grand parents failed attempt at parenting. They obviously won't admit it.
BPD symptoms don't always manifest in attention seeking behaviors. For me, I hide my SH because I don't do it to seek attention. I also keep my suicidal thoughts to myself. Its a little unfair to characterize it as seeking attention.
I was looking for this comment. As i understand it, theres "quiet" bpd and bpd. I think Dr. K got the root of it right (there being a lack of sense of self), but then he followed that up with claiming that bpd ppl then learn that the best way to get attention is to say theyre gonna kill theirself. While thats fair, and a lot of people with bpd do develop that behavior, a lot dont too.
For us that don't we tend to give up on friendships easily, never ask for help, and try to avoid having deep connections with people. Ofc we're bad at that, so we do get incredibly emotionally invested in people and interpret every little thing as a slight, which for me inevitably snowballs into this person has been lying to me and the only reason they talk to me is bc they know that im worthless and they pity me and dont have the heart to leave me alone. Then, i isolate myself and ghost them to do my best to fulfill their wish. I seldom talk abt my bpd or self harm, which i also dont do for attention.
Maybe your experience is a bit different but i think that theres a lot of ways someone can be affected by having the core beliefs held by ppl with bpd. Its not a cookiecutter issue.
Hope youre doing well btw.
This is exactly how I feel, I self harm because I genuinely hate myself and think I am a terrible person. It is punishment I do not do it because I want people to feel bad for me. Most of my family does not even know I self harm, I tried to keep it a secret until I was caught. I also just try avoid people who get too close/try distance myself because I feel like I actively make people I care about's lives worse which is the big reason why I want to commit suicide. Sadly feel like this video does not cover my experiences...
@@brumpbotungus8425 exactly! thanks
Same
@@brumpbotungus8425 he didn’t mean attention in the way people usually stigmatize it he meant it as need for affection and love that gets twisted by using means that are manipulative that maybe the individual with bpd doesn’t realize or in some cases does. He did dumb it down for people to get the just of it and I agree with that was kind of going into bad territory for people to stigmatize it if they aren’t aware, but I don’t think he meant it in a negative way just could’ve said it better.
Everyone is venting about the pain caused from someone with BPD. Imagine being the person with BPD.
@@_________-__________-_______ Wtf are you doing here in Heathygamergg if you think like that
@@_________-__________-_______ lmao you're the kind of person to say to a deppressive person "just be happy" or to someone with asthma "just breathe", you don't just "grow up" from having bpd and nothing to do with narcism, have u even watched the video ?
@@_________-__________-_______ you know nothing. you neither are a psychologist, neither have some kind of degree in neurology, you're no one to deny wordly recognized medical claims, you have nothing but your personal experience, from your biased perception of things, you not only can't argument using those idiotic claims that only you experienced but even if you dealt with these kind of people like you say, and let's say they truly had diagnosed bdp, we don't establish rules on a minority, on exceptions but on larger scales.
@@merydex7717 you don't just seem too happy with my answer lmao, it's my perception like you said it, and they are getting better i hope, have you ever has a friend with bdp or do you feel like having a one ? if so how did you deal them/it
@@_________-__________-_______ not discussing this with someone who explains a disorder ranked in the dsm by "narcism" and proposes the galaxy brain solution of "growing out of it", hopefully you don't have any kids with mental health issues, they'd end up killing themselves or entering adult life with a big medical luggage.
I have both BPD and cPTSD. I confirm that when I don’t wear makeup I get less of a good reaction from people and this makes me feel really awful inside and even cry about it.
thats awful, if you still need someone to talk to and express yourself let me know
You’re amazing without makeup. You just know the wrong people :)
Same omg. It also made me start to do heavy ass makeup almost everyday bc of this. I hate it.
I don't even sit outside on the porch without makeup. If someone showed up I'd be mortified. I go *nowhere*, not even the mailbox, without makeup. I look horrible without it
@@alouise3557It sucks that you have to protect yourself against looking like yourself. I hope you find a way to be okay or even be happy with how you look. After all you’re the only you, and each curve, line, bump, and dip in your figure makes you into the unique human that you are. And whether or not you feel that way, I think that because of that, you’re beautiful :)
I've always realized I've done this to my friends till I push them away, then try to explain in a wall of text but ultimately get ignored bc its annoying. Now I get caught in my own suicidal and lonely thoughts and don't know what to do. There's no benefit to removing the stimuli when I think the same things anyway, but have no one to express them to. The only thing that distracts me is working till my muscles are in pain every day, but I feel empty and miserable. Before I go to sleep at night, I enter paranoia and impulsive thoughts, so I can't sleep. I also feel like I have to empty my bladder every few minutes till I'm in pain. I don't feel like it's worth living with this, but I haven't met anyone with it. I wish I just could just communicate all my concerns to an advanced A.I. that listens.
Great advice on how to deal with BPD sufferers. They need to know you care but you can't be controlled by their moods. Also they don't really want to control people and "bother" them so slowly showing themselves they can sit through emotional storms while knowing support still exists is huge. "I can't come this minute because I'm eating but can we talk tomorrow at 2p?" is perfect. It gives them the ability to practice survival skills (prove to themselves they can survive the pain) but knowing they aren't indefinitely alone with their legitimately extremely painful feelings. Thanks for giving smart and not demonizing information.
Absolutely, in the moment they might resort to desperate behaviours to get the reassurance they need but long term they really want people to be caring but stable and resilient, validating but resistent to their emotional storms so that they can develop that trust in themselves and others. I think it's one of the most terrifying things for them feeling like how everyone else around them feels and behaves is determined by how they are feeling because it confirms that when they are feeling overwhelmed and scared then the whole sky is truly falling.
Having BPD feels like everyone who ever hurt me is given a free pass because my trauma doesn't matter once a professional knows this is my diagnosis; the only thing that matters is making me change what they broke about me, which is an uphill battle of an indescribable degree since my brain is literally wired differently as a result of said-"unimportant"-trauma based on the "gold standard" treatment we have right now. I feel like it only works for individuals with BPD when they are so blinded by the abuse so-as to accept so deeply that everything that happened to them was totally and utterly, without a shadow of a doubt, totally their fault, so that they're not focused on actually feeling the pain of that trauma because they are already structured to completely fault themselves, so self-blame leading to self-acceptance makes sense (because let's face it, that's what DBT is underneath the skills; you [the bpd individual] are at fault, but that's okay because we'll teach you to be compassionate to yourself because you blame yourself, and because you blame yourself, we have a way in to give you a reason to do something different so long as we can keep your "trying my best to not be the asshole that I accept that I am" aspect under control]).
What I'm saying is not about not taking responsibility for the symptoms of my illness now (which I wish I didn't have either; who would want them?), but I feel like even the doctors have got it wrong. Imagine your trauma (as a child) is around being made to feel like you're at fault for someone else's problems, or you're just the "weird kid" to everyone in your childhood, so you have this complex around your self-worth. The fact is, all the would-be "good parts" and uniqueness of your personality are shutdown and hidden because your history has convinced you that anything you think is "good" and "right" about yourself - anything you would normally trust as enjoyable and acceptable aspects - have been perceived as negative and worthy of rejection. So then you start getting close to people, and those parts of yourself start to slip through the cracks; you begin to trust a little here and there to let yourself loosen up, be playful, and come out of your shell, and then you remember what happened when you were just starting to form a "self," so then the symptoms of BPD take over to protect yourself from that ever happening again because you feel vulnerable and at risk due to the trauma. Then, in a therapeutic setting, what happens is that the focus is on your faults (just like the past), and not on what positives were exhibited in the recent past interactions (like opening up, sharing, being vulnerable, etc.) that "triggered" the onset of the symptoms appearing. It's very much a two-steps forward, one-step back kind of disorder, that's for sure, and it's embarrassing - to say the least - to be at the mercy of a mind that doesn't play nice with its own body according to what's typically expected.
I think it's very complicated, and I hate the mindset that there's a manipulative aspect to this disorder - especially one that is purposeful with ill intent - as I personally cannot relate to that at all, but when even the doctors suggest that there is a pervasive "toxicity" to individuals with this disorder who just need to learn to basically "get their shit together," so to speak, it really upsets me. Again, there's no desire for having a lack of confidence, a lack of trust in one's own choices, or emotional lability, fear of losing control, or basically for my neurotransmitters - against my will - to be sending the wrong messages around in my brain so that my feelings result in atypical reactions based on the patterns of behaviour that were not conducive to teaching my amygdala and those synapses/etc. more healthy/typical responses. People have no idea how much energy I expend on just trying to keep myself "cool" and how much self-doubt and fear of my own "self" overreacting or embarrassing me with because I live with a highly stigmatized disorder that I get the bare minimum of compassion for if the symptoms of it become apparent. I have to hide my struggles from most people, which only leads to avoiding getting attached to anyone due to that causing the symptoms the most, and the fact that having to try and shove my symptoms down is the only way to avoid further rejection does not make me develop any confidence in ever forming a "worthy" sense of self that is acceptable, inside or out. It's an absolute shit disorder, and the best scapegoat for abusers who leave this damage on an individual.
I do think this is both a developmental and attachment-based disorder, and I agree that consistency is important in forming something more healthy but that's a lot to ask for when you're already a full-grown adult; I just think a lot of the advice out there for treatment is so off the mark, and given 100-200 years, people will be looking at it like it was on par with a level of torture compared to whatever they discover by that far-off time in the future. We're nowhere close to where we should be with understanding mental health, illnesses, or treatment, and it's really sad.
Hi, I'm with you.
so true. DBT can be traumatizing to the people who need trauma therapy the most.
Even how they phrase thing is problematic. targeting the "Problem Behavior" instead of calling it what it is, a Trauma Reaction.
@@sparklesparklemoo Oh, you're so right!
As someone who does not suffer from bpd but is friends with someone who does, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Much of the current "insight" into bpd seems very off the mark and is akin to labeling autistic people as emotionless psychopaths, IMO. It is a gross lack of understanding and I hope more studies are done
@@clocked0 Thank-you for chiming in. It's "cute" how therapists can talk as if they -know- without a shadow of a doubt that they are completely right about their understanding of BPD, or any other mental health problem. I constantly come back to the fact that given another hundred years from the inception of the myriad of treatment options we have these days for whatever ails you, much of it will be dis-proven, modified, or even laughed at in that future. What I find most discouraging is that the label itself perpetuates stigma in the client themselves speaking out against their unfair treatment and the way in which the professionals make them out to be. If you fight against it, you are just a typical BPD, prone to "Therapy Interfering Behaviours" (TIBs in DBT talk, seriously...), and you're just trying to be "bad" and "non-compliant." Ya... Ya, that's what I was trying to do by finally feeling bonded enough to a therapist at one point to start opening up about my trauma. Ya, them ditching me for that was exactly what I wanted. That... That really drove it home for me that I'm the problem, and clearly I should just shut up and accept it because I was lucky enough for a therapist to dare and take me on in the first place. /s How therapy ever got to a point where you pay for a service, and that paid service has the right to ditch you due to your problems showing up, is beyond me! I honestly don't even have faith in the studies these days, as they are ruined by the fact that much of the time, drug companies have their hand in them, and "Evidence-based practice" has taken on a laughable meaning so-as to simply be a way for CBT and its spin-offs to become big business.
Here’s the thing, Dr. K. A lot of the time we do tell our friends to get help. Oftentimes they are getting help. We are still going to be dealing with people who are suicidal, having paranoid delusions, experiencing BPD symptoms, or dealing with a litany of other issues. There aren’t enough professionals to go around. While it’s admirable to say we shouldn’t try to tackle these issues, you yourself know there are limits to our mental health infrastructure and barriers to accessing care. We are left to plug in the gaps, for better or for worse. You don’t want to know how many people I talked off the ledge when I was a minor because my friend’s boomer parents didn’t think mental illness existed. We’ve had to teach ourselves. Thankfully, just like the families of cancer patients, we are very fucking good at it. Gatekeeping helps nobody.
For some odd reason every girl I've dated or seeing has BPD but my ex is the most accurate depiction of BPD. I don't know much about mental illness and I knew something was wrong, she told me beforehand she has BPD but I never knew what that meant. I realized I was walking on eggshells, that she would super analyze, etc. I never could understand her or help her but I wanted to and I wondered why I couldn't but listening to this video opened my eyes so much. It's mind blowing how all of this makes sense correlating to her behavior and they way she thinked. She's in another relationship now and I realize that it is for the better that we went our separate ways because now it seems she's genuinely happy with her new boyfriend.
People with BPD need a stable person with a strong personality to date honestly. Other people can work of course, but typically people with BPD hook on to people so if that person is genuinely loving and stable, the person with BPD will copy that
Cry harder
@@BjnnFkbukgy bruh this was a year ago lol
@@BjnnFkbukgyhow is this person crying. Are you genuinely mentally okay ? Here to help you kiddo 🤗
If you’re anything like the majority of sufferers that are in the camp of “I don’t know what’s wrong me. But something definitely isn’t right.” Which I’m lead to believe you are given your description. Then you must be willing to accept the fact that when you were at your most vulnerable and naive. In this case, as a small child before the age of 5. That you were at the behest of your environment and therefore people that may not have given you the proper coordinates to create a sense of self. Often times adverse childhood experiences, or in layman’s terms, a not so great childhood. The boundary that separates “the self” or your fragile, boundary-less state has no way of discerning or compartmentalizing your input. In other words, if you at the tender age of 5 witnessed extreme disregulation due to a non stable environment. This can be anything from moving states frequently, domestic violence not necessarily aimed at you but at the people you love, or anything that could prove stressful for a small child. You don’t get the opportunity to develop a “self”. The bittersweet irony of it all is that you can’t remember the events if anything at all before the age of 5. The cognitive apparatus is not yet in place at this time developmentally. Therefor the neural network that does “remember” it is your primal and base default mode if you will. This part of your memory formation is still with you and remains with you for your entire life. This is why you feel anxiety and depression arrive seemingly out of no where. There is no kind of lucid or vivid memory there to inform the emotional responses you’re feeling. In other words, the triggers for the deep seeded emotions remain while the parts that would allow you to reflect and gain insight into them is long forgotten. This is why it is so difficult for individuals with trauma history’s in adolescence to fit into or gain any help from modern therapy modality offerings today. Please do yourself a favor and read or download Pete Walker’s: CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving. You’ll gain a ton of key and valuable insights into your turbulent emotional states. Lastly you mentioned that you feel emotionally inconsistent. This is due in part to being locked into various trauma states that went unhealed. You have a sort of Pandora’s Box that gets opened anytime you interact with the real world. Environmental triggers from the real world dredge you those long forgotten emotional responses from old. The moment something doesn’t go right or you feel immense pressure from your environment. You can be catapulted into the emotional state of any one of the locked away unhealed trauma states. Imagine being enveloped into the thinking, feeling, and being state of a 5 year old inside of a 17 year old’s body. It can be overwhelming and frustrating to say the least. Hope this helps you.
I recently started learning about BPD, CEN, and CPTSD and the Pandora's Box metaphor really hit. Thank you, for that
Wow man, such an interesting comment
I’m a male with bpd and adhd. I think I have a good handle on bpd right now though. I’m in therapy too. I have a wife and kids - honestly, if you met me you probably wouldn’t guess I have it. At this point of my life I’m great at masking any negative emotions and internalizing them instead of unleashing anything out to the world. It’s still hard but at least I try not to let it affect others.
I had a friend at the start of an undergraduate programme I was attending and she mentioned that she had BPD. It was JUST as you described; intimate, intense and short-lived. Thank ya for this video! I've been struggling with the aftermath for a good year+ now and this vid really opened my eyes to what I didnt know
Just got out of a 7 year relationship with someone who has BPD. All of these scenarios are EXTREMELY accurate and I wish I could've sent them this video and had them watch it without their extreme fear of taking responsibility for her words & actions getting in the way so that they could see my perspective.
We started dating when we were late teens and I had no friends, neither did she and it was the best relationship high that I've ever experienced for about 2 years because we had each other and that was it. Nobody was getting in the way of our time spent together.
Then I made a lot of friends over a few years and she completely switched as a human being. At the 7 year mark she got physical with me (this was about 6 months after she was throwing hands at a friend of mine) so I dipped. Never settle for someone who puts their hands on you, it ain't worth it.
You just described the trajectory of my first relationship minus the physical abuse.
Jesus, is that you?
You made a bunch of new friends, and call yourself the messiah. Yeah, that might mess up a BPD partner. (eyeroll) 😂
@@alouise3557 yeah. I mean "neither of us had any friends" doesn't sound good at all. Later at the 7 (!) year mark probably made an emotionally unstable and vulnerable girl feel afraid of being abandoned. This happens with young women who don't have personality disorders. And this guy is proud of dumping her instead of trying to work through it.
Good for you Jesus Christ. You sure did follow biblical thinking by dumping her!
BPD is a huge challenge. Unfortunately it's also a huge challenge to friends and family to people with BPD. I had a childhood friend who was always important in my life. Unfortunately as she entered her 40s, the pattern of unsuccessful and sabotaged romantic relationships started to pile up and she started to crumble. After years of trying to help her, which was always a great challenge, she started to turn on her friends, one by one. When she finally turned on me, it was viscous and hurtful. At that point, she had no friends left in her life.
I don't even think she was a particularly severe case of BPD. The behavior pattern is massively destructive regardless.
Shes actually quite severe.
I do aswell and don't really burn relationships this way, more so through ghosting and isolation. Which also pushes people away but without the massive bridge burn.
Imo high functioning people give the illusion of being less mentally ill, but thats all it is, an illusion.
I never really knew this aspect of BPD, as in the fact that they have a fragile sense of indentity. I always wondered why people with BPD experienced emotions more intensely, and this makes a lot of sense.
I have been diagnosed with a non defined form of schizophrenia, and I have to say. It shocked me to finally see a psychiatrist who is so well understanding of his work and study. and so socially skilled as well! I'm happy to have found this.
you should do a similiar video about ADHD! personally i would love hearing your thoughts on the correlation with that and gaming addiction.
you should watch his recent conversations with Mizkif then! thats a big topic they go over
Oh my god yeah, adhd and gaming go hand in hand. Maybe it’s an addiction to hyper focusing, that’s kind of what appeals to me. It’s nice to come out of the constant distractions of everyday life
@@poocumber7806 I have avoided gaming my entire adult life because of my ADHD. I know how addicted I got to Sim City and the Sims as a teen, and when I got those taken away I ended up using dialup to play Slimeball. Haven't regularly gamed since I almost got kicked out of school after getting a 0.8 GPA one term at age 16. At 32 I now can't even get into it if I want to because I feel like it's inherently time wasting, even though I watch RUclips videos and it's not actually any more productive, it's just that guilt doesn't eat me alive with RUclips.
Bro, he recently just did a deeper dive into ADHD!
@@_lil_lil not that it necessarily eases your guilt, but try to think of it this way:
Any activity that is either fulfilling, or makes you happy, is not a waste of time. Same for any activity that keeps your life(style) afloat like work, rest, cleaning and socializing.
I hope you find something that gives you a piece of happiness; may it be gaming or reading novels or anything else. ♥
Always worth exploring your opinion on your life and especially upbringing more carefully. It is a hallmark of CPTSD and trauma sufferers to discredit and downplay their trauma history. Often times it becomes so long forgotten that you can’t tap into the emotional bank that previously held the now ensuing trauma symptoms. You were on a ship a long time ago. That ship sank and you were abandoned to stormy and cold seas. You’ve possibly given up hopes of a better reality. Your life is now nothing but stormy seas and with no end in sight you’ve accepted that this is just the way it is. You can become well again.
I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD in the hospital after my 5th suicide attempt. But I had no idea that I was doing it for the reaction from others. But it makes so much sense now. It has been over 11 years since the last attempt, but now i can see it coming out in people pleasing. I had no idea that I was still suffering from it.🤦♀️🤦♀️ WOW, this video was so beneficial. Thank you!
Thank you very much. That was one of the best explanations of BPD and the difference from bipolar that I have seen yet and I've been doing over a year of research.
I'm a male with bpd 24 diagnosed at 20, I havnt had the suicide attention seeking, but it's made my life hard in many other ways, the best way to describe it is you feel every emotion much much more intensely than the average person, from sadness to anger to grief, it's up to the person to deal with it. But it's hard and that's why we have a 10% death rate from suicide, and 87% attempt atleast once, I've attempted 9 times only one was for attention to test if the person cared. Life is alright now, but I am lonely, I'm considered very attractive, but dont let women close because they only care about sex when it comes to appearance, I don't let people close in general because I've been shattered and rebuilt so many times from friends and women, and the sad part is I never did anything to deserve any of it, I suffering silence.
I sincerely wish you full and complete healing for everything you need it for. ❤
Going through hell inside…but you a guy so you gotta pretend nothing is wrong.
I understand your experience and feelings and it is valid. Hate to tell you but you have done things to your friends and family to cause them to “shatter you”, you just don’t realize it, people don’t cut you out for no reason, especially family. There are two side to everything, and theirs are just as valid, usually. Everyone’s mental health is just as important as yours, and unfortunately the people closest to someone with BPD do suffer mental health issues due to their loved ones with BPD.
Thank you so much for this video, relating to borderline personality disorder I personally haven't been professionally diagnosed but i know it's a problem i face. It is extremely hard but listening to this video has given me confidence to persevere through on and try to improve myself.
@Jesse McFarland-Ward I dont self diagnose, i recognized I have the same problems described. Fuck off lmfao
@@nouta3226 ppl rly don’t understand that psychiatrists get the same diagnosis from a book (DSM-manual) that we can read ourselves
@@seeaseea4118 The DSM itself says it's a guideline for "trained clinicians" to help spot the signs and symptoms of mental disorders
"It requires clinical training to recognize when the combination
of predisposing, precipitating, perpetuating, and protective factors has resulted in a psychopathological condition in which physical signs and symptoms exceed normal ranges."
Yes we can read the DSM ourselves, and if we read it ourselves we'd learn we can't diagnose ourselves.
I have BPD and I never knew you made a video on this. I'm glad you've made one on this. I completely agree with all you said, especially the sense of self. I don't really know who I am anymore, I don't know what to do, and I can't even describe who I am. It's hard to keep on living when it's just not worth it anymore. I'm just existing at this point, with an image of myself inside of just.. a blank face and two eyes. My personality and morals change with my mood and you just... you were right on target with everything you said.
Needing care is really important to me. I feel like a piece of shit whenever I feel like that, because I have huge cuts on my arm, and it's for that exact reason. I try to hide it, because people usually describe this behavior as being an "Attention Whore" but.. I just want to be loved and taken care of. I've never directly told someone that if they didn't do something I would kill myself, never turned it into an abusive thing, or even told an ex that if they broke up with me I would kill myself but, I have attempted it before, and told people I was going to do it, but in the end I just couldn't jump. I've also tried overdosing but my body just ate them up and I had no issues, so I just moved on.
When people can't deal with me anymore, it hurts because I both feel like shit like you said because I made them run off, and because someone who cared for me has left me, so I try not to talk to anyone, it hurts too much to go through all of it. I don't know what to do, because I feel like I can't create any connections. I feel like I need the attention, whenever I meet someone I feel the need to be their friend immediately and cling to them, even though I know it's toxic. Controlling behavior is also something that I know is not a great thing, but... Well.. Once again, you described it perfectly. You probably won't ever see this, but I wanted to ask.
How do you deal with the intense relationships?
Like I said earlier, I latch on to people rather quickly and intensely, and I know it will always end the same way, but I can't do anything about it. I feel that need to be cared for.
I've been to neurologists, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapy, admitted into a psychiatric ward, tried alcohol, smoking, medication, nothing helps.
What do you recommend... ?
I struggle with BPD too although it doesn’t control my entire life, just how I feel from time to time because of my past relationships and what I been through. I don’t have a direct answer because i know how overwhelming it can be in the moment but i always try to distract myself with gaming and shake off my thoughts, you know what I mean? I try to be overly confident so my emotions change from feeling like a piece of shit to actually feeling semi-normal. Besides that, I’ll desperately feel like I need to be comforted and then that’s the part where I struggle because I haven’t figured out how to deal with it in that moment. I only really have a chance to control my emotions when I feel myself on the border of having my BPD triggered. It can come from a single thought randomly and that’s the crazy part. I know I’m not Dr. K but you commented fairly recently and wanted to help. I hope it works for you if you try it!
@@nutellabootycakes Thank you very much for your reply. :)
Even when I wasn't properly diagnosed with BPD I've used gaming as a crutch to help me get by, but in the last few years I've lost most interest in it, or anything really. It came with the lack of self-sense where I just.. don't know myself enough to the point of knowing what I like anymore. I used to like TV Shows, Anime, Games and now I just spend my days rotting away watching RUclips videos. Nevertheless, thank you for taking the time to reply to what I said and I hope you are able to find a way to cope with the need to be comforted. And if so, feel free to tell me, it might actually help me as well :)
@@InsanityPrevails for sure!! Do you have any social media’s I can add you on? I’d like to hear more about your experiences and stuff
@@nutellabootycakes Sure :)
I sometimes use Twitter, it's the only social media I use haha
it's @lephtbhynd :)
@@InsanityPrevails I’m gonna message you! I’m @forgivetheC
Reactionary responses from early childhood adaptations in adverse childhood experiences is largely to blame. To whom it may interest. I suggest you look into CPTSD and it’s many manifestations. Including BPD and NPD as those two in particular build the often toxic relationships between fawning codependents/Borderline presentation (abusee) and the overt/covert narcissist (abuser).
I'm somewhat confused by the characterization of bpd as fawning/abusee. I have cptsd with a default fawn response that's super codependent. I was in a relationship with a bpd partner for over 10 years and was abused for much of the time. I just dont see bpd as being inherently linked to fawning or being the abusee (apart from initial trauama) I am open to listening and learning though. As the lit on bpd is fairly one sided and I am only one person in one past relationship.
@@Neilad I’d be happy to share an example of what I’m talking about. These are short term adaptations that we bring on in our childhood to help us survive. However in the long term they often don’t serve us and often end up causing more life difficulty. I like to think of it as having a parka on in the Antarctic and being instantly transported to the Mojave desert. That same parka that helped you in one climate will surely lead to struggle and your potential demise in another. I hope this helps clarify what it is I am trying to convey. Cheers!
27:20 emotional lability is something present in Borderline P.D. aswell.
I wish i could come on stream to talk about my story. i feel pretty misrepresented by this video by someone who doesnt go through this even though I think Dr. K is a bomb at what he does
I got ADHD, Borderline personality disorder, substance use disorder, stress, anxiety, ptsd and depression. But I also game, how come i never knew of this channel... Imma subscribe! The bpd stuff you touch on are pretty accurate to me, i can confirm some of this myself!
@Richard Pajooh youre me hoddamnit, i was just too lazy to edit it, but ya i do that too! I don't trust anyone, especially not my self, so how can anyone fix my problems when I don't even know where to start explaning and damn straight don't have the energy to start shovelling. Imma go light a joint again i think... 😄 😴 Hope you can get some help tho!
I got constant mood swings everyday. At times I feel depressed and it lasts only a little time but it comes back at some point. I also feel like a burden to others and have hard time to get out of apartment.
I have BPD and I remember complaining a lot to my therapist that something that was awful for me was that I realized my parents never really focused on me when I tried to say something or express myself, they wouldn’t take me seriously or just neglect me but then if I had a bad grade ot got “actually sick” they would stop and look at me and that felt terrible because… I only mattered if I was broken? If it wasn’t visible they wouldn’t care or pay attention so eventually I started to get worried when I was having a good time because that meant they wouldn’t look at me at all! And I had those self sabotage thoughts and sometimes it stills happen but now how to get their attention properly or even be without them. About self harm and attempting I have gone through both but like, not as attention seeking at all, the self harm was more a sort of punishment or even relief since I deal with quiet borderline and the attempts were really just a desperate feeling of not being able to take the pain anymore (I’ve been through depression as well) and trying to escape or end it.
I appreciate this video but I think possibly moreso the comments. Hearing Dr. K explain what Borderline Personality Disorder is was like hearing somebody describe my boyfriend almost to a T. I've known him to have some very obvious mental hardships since I met him but he doesn't have the opportunity to get mental health evaluations/treatment like some of us do, so sometimes resources like this are all we have. And thanks to everybody here telling their stories and giving explanations I feel like I have a better understanding and can try to do better myself as support.
I formerly had BPD (not officially diagnosed, but I had all the symptoms in a severe form), and having a stable relationship makes all the difference. I still have a tendency to hyperfixate on various relationships, which lets me get close to people very quickly, but then there comes a point where I start losing interest because I internalize my assurance that these people will eventually leave me and it’s far easier to cut them out of my life before they can do it to me. It’s also quite draining to hyperfocus on relationships for extended periods of time on both sides.
I once did this to a person and she called me out on my behaviour after I randomly started talking to her after a long period of silence because she didn’t understand, having assumed our paths were to diverge indefinitely. It got to a point where she sat me down, explained how my behaviour was problematic, and how it impacted her, and then gave me an ultimatum with a period of grace to see if I could make the changes necessary to accommodate a healthy relationship. It’s been over a year now, and I feel far more confident in who I am as a person regardless of how others feel about me. There are days where I can feel the residual affects of BPD and if I’m not careful, I know I can fall back into dangerous habits and mindsets, but having a person who values me and pushes me to do better has been a deeply rewarding experience. Most people in the past have given up on me after we drifted apart, so the perseverance really made all the difference. But it’s extremely hard on the person in the supporting role, and she asserts that’s not something she would ever want to do again.
Wow, this really explains the falling out I had with a friend this year. I always assumed he was just a narcissist, and maybe he was or wasnt, but I could not handle him for long periods of time. My empathy began to run dry when he constantly wanted validation for everything he did.
What was your chief issue with filling that emotional void disguised as validation seeking? Curious to see if it was a personal threshold issue or perhaps where you draw the line on friendships.
@@JOATiDetermined i really enjoy that question. It's as if, to me, you are trying to get across the idea that everyone deserves love and connection. I dig that.
There can be overlap between cluster B personality disorders.
Just 15 minutes of this video was worth more than the year of therapy I did for BPD. Thank you
Dr Daniel Fox has an awesome channel all about BPD if you are cursed with this horrible illness. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, even those who blame the sufferers for having it.
AJ Mahari is also quite good. As she used to be a borderline.
It's not as much blaming the sufferers for having it; it's about the sufferers causing serious collateral damage to every one in their vicinity ...
@@bleepbloop6234 false equivalent; the former is able to control their behavior to a certain extent; the latter isn't
@@bleepbloop6234 I think it would be easier to understand where Mr Meow is coming from if you'd had extensive interactions with people with BPD. My ex and stepsister both have it and it's pretty insane how good they are at manipulating you and victimizing themselves. They get everyone around them to believe that they are victims, which necessitates perpetrators -- and the harm that causes to other people can get pretty unreal. It's not really about condemning them for their behavior, it's that if you sum up the amount of emotional damage that occurs, most of it happens to the people around them. That's not to say that they aren't genuinely suffering -- they are -- but engaging with them and showing the sympathy you feel towards them pretty much always causes you to get harmed by them. It's a really fucked up and insidious disorder.
Thanks. It has recently given me a stomach ulcer. Gotta love bpd.
6:09 7:25 10:35 11:21* 17:40 18:24* 18:40* 20:30 26:58 27:40*
Emotions floating underneath the surface. I love this description. It encapsulates so much.
Was with the person who had bpd and it was one of the most painful experiences ever. I was not the most mentally healthy person ever and had my stuff going on and was really struggling with fear of socialization and found it extremely hard to go out and meet people. She always knew it, and i told her how much i want to change it (especially because we were moving in the bigger city for studying abroad) and still even after hours talking to her, how much i wanna meet new people, so i'm not feeling this lonely in this big town (she was still not there with me, and i was not even sure if she's making it tbh) but in the end every time when i would go outside and try find some friends and share about that with her, she would start a big argue with me on the phone saying that i'm the worst, that i don't love her and don't care about her. The second thing what made me feel kinda more suicidal then i was before we even met was, that she made everything about herself. She knew that i had hard time excepting my own art and i felt like i was doing really bad and it was undescribably painful, 'cause it mean the whole world for me. And still, even when i would be able to show her my paintings, instead of saying something cheerful, the only thing that she would always say is "yeah you're so great and i'm literally nothing, useful, untalented piece of shit", and how can words like this not make me feel even worst? I was always trying to stay the most calm and supportive person for her, until i guess it totally broke me. Moreover, every time when i tried to leave, she would say that she's gonna just kill herself, because she has no meaning without me. So i was kinda stuck in the whole thing, totally burn outed. Hope you guys making some good dates and researches before starting some relationships and when you see that the person you're with is absolutely not okay, please find some help before it affects you, stay safe y'all
I found the yapper
Borderline is different than things like bipolar disorder as well because borderline is gonna show up in different ways for different people and depending on what role you play in the borderline’s life they’re gonna act different. Some people with borderline are incredibly confrontational, have noticeable anger issues, sometimes get violent. Other people with borderline, like myself, tend to take their anger out on themselves because they blame themselves for everything, any slight change in tone,
Example:
My boyfriend hasn’t texted back yet? He’s probably lost interest like I knew he would because everyone leaves me eventually. I don’t know what he ever saw in me in the first place. If I was prettier he wouldn’t do this, ugh I hate myself I’m never eating again.
That’s the type of shit my brain would pull but someone else with borderline might react to the same situation in a completely different yet equally irrational way, Like,,,
he’s still not texting back after I told him I wasn’t feeling good? I would never do that to him, what an asshole, I deserve better than this, If he won’t help me I’ll just have to ask another guy. That’ll teach him to not ignore me again.
Borderline can be difficult to spot if you don’t fit the stereotypes
However bipolar is the same no matter what, like some people might be more prone to shopping than others when manic but either way it’s very obvious when someone swings from mania to depression.
That's everyone. I don't think your description is borderline at all.
There are millions of people on dating apps and are all doing the same. Men exhibit that second behavior even more by having a roster of potential dates in case the main date cancels.
I was just talking to a man who's recently divorced and ofc hes on dating apps. Hes a pilot so he's the one who wasn't giving much attention and ignoring his marriage. Anyway, he got a date and the date eventually canceled, he tried to get another date last minute but couldn't so he asked his ex wife to bring his son. So at last moment he contacted the ex and used the child as a back up so he wouldnt be alone.
My Mom has BPD and it's really hard trying to connect with her. There are times where I have to keep my distance from her because it will start to affect my mood too much. She told me she is getting help but she also lies a lot so it's hard to tell if that is true. I'm going to buy the book you recommended and hope I can get a deeper understanding on BPD. Thank you, Dr. K!
What can I do against this paranoid behaviour stemming from insecurity? In my last relationship I suddenly went mentally batshit (without letting her feel any of it) because I thought exactly: I tricked her into liking me and she'll leave as soon as she realises there are better people.
It was awful. How do I prevent that?
I'm no expert an I don't know about your situation but here's my version of some wholesome advice that you can take to the bank! ...
Try not to do things that you dont value (procrastinate, smoking, etc). Instead, do things that are difficult and make you proud of yourself. Try to find and build an image of a version of yourself that you admire, love and value. That way you will respect yourself and will be confident in others respecting you.
Personally, I believe in this strategy strongly and I make efforts everyday to get there. I meditate while smiling and saying everything's ok to myself (lol). I also write about my desires and ambitions as well as some hard truths. I find that it's not easy and I do slip up alot but I feel like I hsve to keep trying because I owe it to myself snd the others around me right? be it family, close friends or even the shop keeper whom i have never met before...so I try yakno...
I feel your pain and I hope this helps!
@@jondavies1261 Appreciate it mate. Keep ballin'
Honestly same - I feel as though I charm them somehow in the beginning stages and that they will leave me for someone better because there will always be someone better.
I have BPD and this video is a fantastic way to describe the BPD dynamic. I've seen a lot of these videos but this seems to get to the crux of the issue.
A thing that i want to point out is that sometimes cutting behavior imo is done with the thought 'if i feel physical pain it relieves the psychological one at least temporarily'
in 2012-2013, while i was 7-8, i watched my dad commit domestic violence to my mom, i was bullied physically verbally and mentally, I tried to get help about the bullying from teacher who ignored me. Then my dad told me he was going to stay over at his friend’s place for a night but i knew deep down he wouldnt come back so i tried to beg him crying screaming but he left. He said he’d come beck the next day at 7am so i woke up at 6:45 am to wait for my dad, then i called him at 7:05 when he wasn’t home yet to where he responded to saying he was never coming home. Then, my mom was becoming a alcoholic, started self harming, binge ate/participated in disordered eating and called it stress eating, and started watching porn. I was also bullied for having a diary and so i ripped it up and threw it (I now regret this because i really want to remember everything that happened because of my dissociative amnesia).
2013-2015 I had a best friend who i would constantly get angry at even if it was a really small thing. I believe now that this is also where i started showing symptoms of idealisation and devaluation. I would change my personality with different friends but was only my "true" self with my best friend.
in 2015 my mom was going into debt trying to raise my sister and me.
2016-2017 I was once again bulied for my weight and was isolated by my group of friends.
2018 I was groomed by a 27 year old online as a 13 year old and was brainwashed into sending nudes. i continuously found men and women above the age of 20 to sext. I also started masking here.
2019 I got into a relationship with someone who had depression, relapsed into cutting because he was self harming, and got cheated on 3 times. I developed a restrictive ed and called it "healthy eating" and got diagnosed with depression and cptsd.
2020-2022 through these years, i got into 8 other intense relationships, including 1 where the s/o was a stalker.I had a counsellor, psychologist, and psychiatrist but gave up because treatment for my depression never worked. I stopped taking my meds around 2022 and lied my way out of the the sessions. My mom also worsened things by constantly telling me me being on ssris were making me gain weight.
2023-now i got into a relationship with my current boyfriend, realised we had many struggles due to differences in personality. I got into a uni where I'm studying psychology. This is where i found out he was possibly on the spectrum and i was most probably misdiagnosed as depression and instead had bpd. I'm waiting to get my government covered health expenses approved so i can go seek a professional to find out whats going on with me.
I have BPD and when I experience suicidal ideation or attempt suicide it is definitely not because I'm seeking the attention from others, maybe that's a part of it who knows I'm not an expert but I can say with certainty its because of this lack of sense of self and feeling unloved that I genuinely want to take my own life. To limit it to just simply attention seeking makes it sound like we're all manipulative terrible people which you've illustrated yourself that people with BPD have a tendency to feel about ourselves and this helps reaffirm our internal biases. This characterisation doesn't help us resolve these feelings, it only stimulates it even further.
I have too, but I disagree with you; you are seeking attention, and there's nothing wrong with seeking attention. It's just the manner which is really inappropriate. Having a relationship with a person who accepts you the way you are is very helpful. You also need to work on your independancy, meaning you learn to take responsibility for your emotions. I feel bad, I feel sad, I feel angry, and I don't blame you for it. Eventually you realize you've learned to feel bad and sad, you didn't have any secure caretakers who eluded those healthy emotional traits. Another thing, stop feeling bad about feeling bad, meaning it's okay that you feel bad or weak or whatever, then you can actually grow in a healthy manner. Until you let go of the shame of your past experience and action's, you won't be secure. Just be authentic and feel what you feel, find people who will accept you, and accept yourself also, even when people will not. You are a not a bad powerless person, you are powerful and capable of progressing just like everyone else. That is the truth my friend, now go live that truth and allow yourself to feel what you feel without
Shame or regret, that's the real you.
@@GM-yb5yg Listen I don't dispute most of what you said but no I'm sorry telling someone that has tried to take their own life is a grab for attention is just beyond me; I have no words. When I've tried to take my own life before it wasn't so others would pity me or the like, most of my attention was focused on my own self hatred and not wanting to be a part of this world, it was completely centered around the self and not of the opinions of others. It was not an attempt to gain sympathy from others. I know this because of my own anecdotal experience. I was not a manipulator looking for attention and to add to that I've had several attempts (OD attempts) that failed that I kept to myself and didn't tell a soul, nobody knew except for myself. So how in that instance was I seeking the attention of others? But as I've said previously your assumptions about my illness aren't entirely wrong but this one particularly is and it only adds to the stigma. Sometimes depression and BPD go hand and hand and if this stigma carries on what happens when I do take my own life? Was that also a cry for attention? Seeking attention is not a bad thing but not all cases are and we need to be careful about our language around this topic because it only further stigmatises the condition
Just from reading the comments it seems like there are many differences between people with BPD and what specific things they might do and the reasons they might do them? I think Dr.K was just giving a more general overview of how BPD works and what goes through someone's mind who has it. Just here in the comments alone some people are saying they'd hurt themselves because they did in fact, just want attention/were making a cry for help, and some who hurt themselves because they just feel awful.
@@princesseuphemia1007 Yeah that's an interesting observation, I guess it just proves you can't pigeonhole everyone with a certain diagnosis with blanket statements because we all experience it differently at the end of the day. My symptoms may look different to another's. I think that's precisely why I was upset initially at Dr K's overview because it felt more like a gathering of assumptions and stereotypes but you're right I can also see it's a complicated topic that can't really be summarised in a few short sentences.
@@diankaytt Yeah the thing with diagnoses is that they are more like fuzzy guidelines to describe someone than they are clear rules that each person with that diagnosis will follow, and therapists have to diagnose their patients with something specific in order for insurance companies to help fund their treatment. That's why the DSM keeps getting longer and longer is because it's so hard to lump the full range of human brains into just a few dozen diagnoses, so they keep expanding on it to better help patients and appease the insurance companies at the same time.
> [Dunning-Kruger stuff]
In the paper I've read, it may be the original, the top third of performers on purely intellectual tasks _underestimate_ their own (relative) performance, whereas the bottom two thirds overestimate themselves.
If you get promoted and pushed up the skill hierarchy until you're average in comparison to your peers, the top performers will eventually compare themselves to other top performers and feel average _compared to other top performers_ rather than compared to the whole population. But if top performers feel average they underestimate themselves.
I LOVE HAVING FOUND YOUR CHANNEL OMG, thank you for all the things you teach us!!!
Can you do a video on avoidant personality disorder?
This!
I googled that and I tick a lot of those checkboxes... A loooooot of those checkboxes.
To generalize BPD as attention seeking is off however coming from a person who have had BPD
The complete lack / no foundational sense of self is completely true and over time it’s the coping mechanism that becomes their personality
I have an history of surround myself with really demanding/almost abusive people who rely on me a lot and was never there for me. II understood that the structure was already running n my family, but the worst was that I had the same pattern in the peopl I choose by my own, meaning that I was the one repeating the pattern. Is today that I get how I was doing it.
Thanks doc. Now it looks obvious.
On one hand like it nice to know about this stuff. But since I got finally got diagnosed and been learning more and more. I find myself shutting out people or and more. Like I already had a fear of attachment. Most ally I dont know what happend when I attach. Learning about bpd and being diagnosed has only made that fear worst.
Nobody talks about the grief that you experience when you have BPD. I didn’t ask for this and it took a lot from me. I have gotten to a stable place but relationships are my downfall. I know being with me can be traumatic. Sending love to all 💚
Just a PSA that gestures of suicidality are not just gestures. There is a reason that 1 in 10 of us actually die by suicide. We have a 50-fold increased chance of attempting suicide compared to the general population. There is a real, genuine risk that we will harm ourselves. I just wanted to say this because Dr K said it like it was only for attention and not actually serious, but it is not just for attention, to us it is literally a matter of life and death. We genuinely feel like we have to die to escape the pain.
@lycheemyusic I think it is well known and even mentioned in the video that BPD does have high levels of suicidal attempts, not just the attention grabbing. 😉
I’ve been watching so many videos from this channel about BPD because I date someone with it and its been almost 4 months together and I love her so so much, so I really do my best to understand her because I never studied anything similar, and now that I’m watching this videos I feel that I might have something similar to it so I enrolled on therapy myself because sometimes bpd in my relationship can actually make me get panic attacks every second but I’m always trying my best to not overreact because I love her and I don’t want her to feel bad about it, she is my world and I’m really doing the best that I can for us.
My older brother had a mental breakdown at 27 and my parents (not so stellar parents) neglected his care and me being the mini-nurse at the time (I was like 15) they didn't say anything when I delegated his care to myself. I was giving him his pills and he had not been taking it, I was a kid so I was scared of my own brother so I'd just assume he was taking them. Later, he had a mouth full of pills and started smiling at me in the most Joker-esque way so I ran away and told my parents. They didn't care, later that brother started getting more symptomatic and screaming at random times during the day- all my parents would do was yell back at him cause they didn't know what else to do, being older, I know it must have sucked for them to know their kids inherited whatever mental illness they were carriers for.
12:42 "Most of what people think as mental illness is someone not thinking right"
Shit, that's really significant.
I wonder if he has a video about narcissism. This kind of breakdown of narcissism would be really helpful.
This is an awesome explanation. I would really appreciate a video like this on OCD or alcoholism
I have a lot of BPD characteristics as well as other psychiatric problems. I have been very suicidal at times, but I do not make suicide attempts or cut or call people to threaten suicide. It's disturbing to think that if I ever discuss my suicidal ideation with someone that they'll think I'm being manipulative. Isolating myself is the way I keep my toxicity from spreading, but this has served me poorly.
Me and my family basically all have emotional lability - I looked that up a couple years ago and thought I had it, then you described what it's like, and now I know not only do I, but my whole immediate family does, too. At least me, my sisters and my mom do.
I once met this woman who presented like she had no emotional control. Like none at all. I’m talking like her mood swings were so instantaneous and complete it was legitimately unsettling. She could go from crying actual tears of sadness and grief and then, I kid you not, 5 mins later would be laughing hysterically and dancing around about something else. It was unnerving and I have no idea how my ex friend could stand to hang out with her.
That sounds like Histrionic PD, maybe. DEF not BPD.
I think I have bpd, and Im afraid of it destroying my relationships, this video was very eye opening and I hope anyone who struggles with this finds a way to content
11:40 I was in the exact spot 3-4 years ago. There is hope boys, you can change anything or everything that you want about yourself.
You sound manic
Please let us remember that there is no one size fits all when trying to explain these disorders. My experience of bpd suicidal ideation has never been about garnering sympathy or attention from others- on the contrary; it is instead a personal and very private quest to leave this earth.
Several people are saying the same thing here. I keep putting this comment under everyone who's saying that, so people realize it's not just them. I've had the absolute desire to do it and never once would I want someone to come running to me just to manipulate them into caring. It's just that the pain is that deep i can't hold it in anymore.
Thank you for another great and highly appreciated video. You always calm me down and help me to get back to a better, more rational and objective state of mind. Haven’t read the book Walking on Eggshells because a lot of people with BPD feel it is not the best representation for them and has created further stigmatization but it’s always recommended reading. I’m not BPD but do listen to info on it as a way to understand more about the condition.
Great definition of mania. I have BPD and BP1 during mania I feel exhausted but my brain is so active I physically CANNOT SLEEP I'll go 4-5 days sleeping 2hrs a night. I feel exhausted but cant stop. and once I crash I become so fatigued I think Im sick.
I have BPD but i watched a lot of stuff about it and ' identified' it's behavior so i started suppressing the bpd traits and negative parts many years ago and now, many years after, i think i've taken control over my bpd to a very high degree and it barely affects me in comparison to before. I'm sure its still there and its impossible to remove it 100% but i feel much better and i actively know/understand whats from bpd and what's not
That’s how I am with my anxious attachment style
Super glad for you, I’m actively trying to be on that road. It’s tough but im able to be “high functioning” for long periods of time though i do fall back into old behaviours.. i wish u the best!!
@ඞ hahahah thats all they ever say. "I feel so every petty thing i do is reasonable to me."
@@berzerkfury1459 wut?
You are amazing, I swear. Ur better than people with BPD that I've listened or any therapist. Just continue your work, you really save lives
If you have consistently had people hurt or abandon you before you're old enough to form who you are as a person, i.e. before 10 years old. You're going to struggle with this in a form. That's so many people. Men and women. I think this is more widespread in men, and most men don't go in for dialectic behavior.
i hate that people say it’s attention seeking when we express our emotions. like no? just because we seem to have tantrums doesn’t mean it’s for attention that’s just how we think. esp with like sh and suicidal tendencies, sure some people may but a lot don’t. hearing we’re just seeking attention is super negative to us too, just like the example of being called an asshole he used
and most of the time we aren’t like, i’m gonna kms if you don’t come here. we need to vent, it’s how we cope and the way you said we’d like send a picture of a bottle of pills no what the fuck? that’s plain manipulation, not bpd, it’s being a bad person. we can vent and shit but come fucking on dude, your a doctor don’t throw this shit around making us seem even more like shitty fucking people
@@Ghost-yt2kh before I was diagnosed in 2020, had all 9 criteria, I also didn’t see it this way. Now after DBT, MBSR, x2 a week talk therapy, actively being in AA and NA… I get it now… I do. Ofc, I didn’t see it this way back in time, bc how overwhelmingly intense my emotions that made me do that felt. It’s a complicated entanglement of disability to self-soothe, abandonment issues, biochemistry etc, but when we over-simplify we do seek somebody else’s attention. To do the self-soothing work for us, coz we can’t use our head and have no tools to do so
We arent sure what i have yet but its very similar to this but my mind and body are completely seperate. Even if i can experience my body having anxiety or ptsd, my mind doesnt register it. They say i have severer depression, severe both type of adhd, a manic disorder, and a personality disorder unspecified. But i feel like there is something missing. The manic depression part can explain the nulling of emotion, but the complete disconnect not just from my body but from the physical world is unsettling. For an entire year about 4-5 years ago i experienced a super severe version of this. The worst year of my life and i was 14 to 15 years old. Back on track; the diconnect from myself was to apparent during those times that even though my mind could register and see the world it wasnt doing what the body did, their functions were separate. I have entire gaps in my memory with fuzzy memories of me having fun, yet it was the world year of my life. IDK what to do because my therapist and everyone in my life believes that im overthinking, overreacting, or that it is just manic symptoms. Im in my first year of college and i already havent done work all year because of this. My body has gotten used to living life normally here, but because my mind actually needs to be there for work i cant do it. And if i started the work at the beginning of the year im sure i could have done it with my mind elsewhere, but because of adaptation to the environment taking so long i cant. Another issue which may be tied to this is that i feel like im the only person in this world. Noone understands me, literally, and i dont understand others. I have lots of empathy, but somewhere along the way it sometimes leaves me. I need help but i dont cant buy your program/call/therapy thing. I just dont know what to do since my life is a mess, i dont wanna go back home due to emoional abuse from stepdad, and ive been told all my life im extremely intelligent yet i cant even use that intelligence in the slightest since i was 13.
Another super helpful video giving a really comprehensive breakdown of BPD in a way that i can actually get use out of 🎉🎉 thank you!
I struggle with CPTSD and co-occurring substance use disorder (currently clean/sober for 18 months). My CPTSD was caused by growing up with a parent with severe BPD that could go into a rage or become violent in the blink of an eye. In my adulthood they would often call and threaten suicide and I’d spend hours talking them down. This would send me spiraling with my CPTSD symptoms and increased substance use. Eventually, I just had a wellness check done instead of me being the one to “save them.” They were furious that I did that, but the suicide threats stopped.
really insightful video but for many pwBPD 8:57 is just not true. we DO feel like it gets that much to the point where suicide feels like the only option to "get over" our storms of feelings. its so hard.
You have to be one of the more articulate psychiatrists I know of
I have BPD but its not as severe as some people like some people in the comments referred to im seeking medical help soon so hopefully ill get better soon :D
When I was diagnosed with BPD the doctor worded it in such a way that I felt like I was the problem. And lately whenever I read/hear about BPD it feels like I was right.
Tbh if you don’t have the awareness of what you’re doing you may be causing issues but you just need to work on it and don’t be hard on yourself , it’s a process.
I loved someone with bpd, but she was arrogant and undiagnosed, I was always reasoning with her but she just rolled her eyes at me then when I finally got really mad after her treating me like used toilet paper she seemed to take her actions seriously and then fell into a manipulative relationship with a true narcissist. I wish she would have opened up to me, it was over a year and she seemed to self sabatoge all our progress, bc she never bothered to explain her emotions I never knew if she was lying or what she even understood.
I apologized after bc I consider she might have a mental issue, unfortunately she was encouraged to split on me by the narcissist.
I loved her so much too but I was convinced she was mean on purpose. So iso what you’ve been through but just try and work on it and be very honest with people. Don’t hide it, no one can accommodate if you don’t let them know whats in your heart
My close female friend had a terrible, terrible bpd partner.
Who was a constant user of bath salts, he was jobless, he cheated on her, he lied to her, he betrayed her, he threatened her with unaliving himself if she leaves him and gave her ptsd.
Some of these people are too far gone and it's impossible to help them. I personally try to stay away from them.
Of course, all of these people are different and some of them can be stabilized.
Yeah I don’t think most of his problems are from BPD… that person was just a messed up person.
I was diagnosed with bipolar 1, but my mood swaps throughout the day based on how my interactions go. If someone is rude, i become upset and it doesnt change until someone is nice (or potentially when something good happens to me, but its rare). My mood can swap many many many times throughout the day, or it can swap a few times, entirely based on my interactions. I also have a very vague idea of who i am as a person. If someone insults me, i become very hateful inside, but i push it down. If someone is kind to me, i feel super good and compelled to do something for them (I used to buy people food or drinks because it would make them happy, but i realised i did that because it made me happy when they said how nice that was of me)
I really hate when i have to go see a new psych nurse or social worker or counselor and I'm in an elevated mood, coming out of a depressive state. They ALWAYS jump to the conclusion that it is bipolar disorder.
It's not. It's the emotional liability of ADHD combined with situational anxiety - needing to pull myself out of a depressed state because it's causing problems.
So frustrating.
I am nearly 53 years old and have BPD, BP1, PTSD, ADD and a few minor issues. My therapist wants to "fix" my BPD, but at my age, I feel this is who I am and I don't know if I want to change, I am who I am, however, those mental conditions don't play well together. So, I have learned to adjust to these issues. I am relatively happy, but winters are really hard (with depression) and I also have really low feelings of myself. Dumb question, but do you really think it's worth the effort of trying to change me? I have been BP for a long time, but the BPD is fairly new and I don't get it because I have been this way for so long. I love your videos. I have my own *mental* channel & try to help others. It helps make me feel better, like a diary. Take care & Thank you. Oh I'm not a gamer, but it's ok. Oh, I've been in therapy for 39 years.
Dr. K, you are amazing. Just letting you know this truthful fact.
I'm not diagnosed with BPD but I am diagnosed PTSD. I'm terrified that do have BPD because I show a lot of symptoms of it. I'm working on it the best I can by myself because I'm unable to get medical intervention, I hope anyone else whos struggling with this is able to get through it
My brother needs to hear this. It’s laid out so simply it really strikes a chord. Saying BPD is actually logical is so accurate. It’s just a perversion of logic. I’ve been trying to find a way of saying that besides “illogical/unreasonable/irrational.
Knowing my brother though he’d find some way to completely discredit the video.
BPD people are very empathetic in a very cruel narcissistic sadistic world. BPD people are romantic and have a feelings based intelligence.
I feel like a lot is suicidality that BPD people experience is not always for attention. I feel like this type of BPD where people "send pictures" and selfharm for "attention" is a specific type of BPD. Not everyone with BPD does that, in fact, a lot of people I know with BPD do not do that.
SEVERAL of us are saying the same thing. He's totally wrong on this. But he's amazing at explaining every other aspect.
Can you post more about BPD! Maybe discuss the sub types?
Asuka in Evangelion.
Ugh, I think this is my problem. Every time I hear about it it seems like this is my problem. But a lot of therapists won’t even take BPD people in.
pro-tip: watch the earlier years, he's more honest about it without the awareness of how it can hurt but it's important because it's more useful.
Can you do a video like this about both types of bipolar? I would personally love to hear your perspective about when you have to live with both bipolar and a ADHD diagnosis. My sister has this and I just want to understand more about it from a psychologist.
I have never been diagnosed with bpd but my ex told his therapist about me and thats what she said it sounded like i have. I have been to many therapists and they only came up with cptsd, major depression, and anxiety. The description is really right in some ways and in others not at all. I've never had a stable relationship. I've never had one where i wasn't abusive. I've never threatened suicide or anything. I don't really talk about my problems cause it doesn't help nor has anyone ever cared. If something hurts i just shut myself down outwardly and avoid. I dunno.
7:48 in that example isn’t that just overthinking? Like I think I understand when he says there’s nuance and overlap. Cuz like I was thinking that they didn’t like and such but then I grew to understand that just because we can send instant messaging doesn’t mean people are gonna respond instantly, they could be busy at the moment etc. I’m also a people pleaser trying not to be so maybe that plays a part. I’m just venting this isn’t a serious post
I have bpd and can confirm this is too accurate. It's a horrid condition. But I'm grateful it isn't narcissism. They're assholes deep down. Borderlines, on the other hand, are sweet and kind and sensitive deep down. We just loose control entirely. I still don't recommend ever dating one, but at least you can sleep well knowing that we really never mean harm. It's fight or flight, trauma triggers, which are everywhere when your whole childhood was invalidating.
Btw, EMDR works excellently over time.
Edit: It never was bpd. I have MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome). It looks a lot like any mental health condition. Please look into health explanations with the body before going to therapy or getting a mental health diagnosis. Spread the word.
I have a diagnosis of BPD and Mastocytosis. Could you please tell me more about this, I’ve never heard this
everything you said about borderline personality disorder fits to my actions and thoughts
except for when it comes to that suicide part I get suicidal but I actually want to die
0:45
correct me if I'm wrong, but according to the best of my knowledge, each and every psychopathology cannot be viewed as independent from your personality. As far as I know, a perception of a mental disorder of any kind (PERHAPS with the exception of neurodevelopmental ones) that views the psychopathology as something that's akin or functionally similar to diabetes or the common flu is counterproductive at best.
Bipolar disorder is a serious condition that has significant genetic and hereditary risk factors, no doubt. But, looking at it as a "sickness" that's independent of your psyche hinders rehabilitation. If you think otherwise, let me know.
Edit: 0:55 > 0:45