"Women are expected to have an inborn ability to organize and maintain things in order." YES! I didn't get my diagnosis until I was 27. Until then, I thought I was just scatterbrained and sensitive, but very high achieving because I built so many systems to keep myself organized. I had no other choice. Women don't get the luxury of the benefit of the doubt. The ADHD "work twice as hard for even less results" hits us especially hard. I was married to a man who also had ADHD and people forgave him for much, much more of his symptoms than they did for me. Edit: And from someone who survived it, thank you for addressing the higher stats of interpersonal violence for ADHD women.
My partner and I really went through it for a while because this was me. Eventually I made it clear that I'm not capable of being his brain for him, and he needs to come up with his own systems and handle his own shit.
@@clericoflight476 Damn fukkin right. I will say that for him, it was also a familial/cultural expectation that if you see someone struggling, you help no matter what. But turns out I don't come from the culture where you save someone from repeated personal problems they refuse to try to prevent, sooo....
@@clericoflight476 Exactly. I always refused to be the social reminder/ helper for my ex. If he didn't call his parents, I wouldn't remind him. They just didn't get called. If it took too long his mom would call me, lol. But that wasn't often so I wasn't bothered.
One thing that shocked me is how drawing in class was my way of coping with my ADHD through classes. It was wayyy easier to pay attention but none of my teachers understood that. Without it I would get anxious and struggle to pay attention
Stimulants don't help with years of trauma and self loathing. We are all distinctly aware that there is no easy solution. Just being validated means so much. Thank you Dr. K.
Tbh my amphetamine diagnosis kinda did help me with the self-loathing. Hard to hate yourself when you feel like you can do anything lol. Been working like this for almost 10 years tbh
@FAD4LIFE94 yeah I had a similar experience! I hated myself because I felt 'lazy' and too unmotivated to do anything that I felt I wanted to do like art. My medication helped to get the ball rolling on that and out of a constant spiral into depression
@@poppovySame here. It's not perfect, but Adderall has drastically improved my overall mental health and mood simply because I don't spiral as often into the executive function despair pit. If I wanna do something, I do it. Maybe not right that second, but it does get done. I don't have to wait until people are coming over the day of to start cleaning the entire house-I can pick at it through the week. I do better at my job, which grants me the opportunity for raises, which increases my financial stability, which decreases my stress and improves my mood. I've learned to cope with the parts of myself that I can't change, and even love some of them because the biggest hurdles are shortened to a manageable jump.
Yeah, adderall and caffeine are way different experiences. Adderall itself can’t help with self-loathing, however if it’s a good fit it can make doing the work on the self-loathing easier.
Honestly, as a woman with ADHD, I've found that one of the most underrated things that's helped improve my life is connecting with other women with ADHD. After spending so long feeling like I'm constantly behind and failing with everything, talking to other women who just get it has been such a relief and made things so much easier to deal with.
I’ve never actually met another woman with ADHD so I had no idea of how different we were from men with ADHD. All I recognized was our similarities. After watching this I realized the only people who could sympathize with me are other women with ADHD and I immediately wished I was closer with other women to have found one. With my personality type being so logic based I’ve always found it difficult to connect with emotional people and other women tend to be more emotional than me in general. Since I have such a hard time understanding it I really struggled making other female friends. Do you happen to have any community recommendations for me?
This is actually so fucking real, I’ve only met two girl friends in my life that had adhd in my life and god they were genuinely one of the best parts of my life. I connected with them in ways I could never with my neurotypical friends or even other neurodivergent friends that didn’t have adhd. Them and my mom are genuinely the only ppl that I felt truly understood me.
@@madis7588 same here! I have a few friends with it too and we all rant about our experiences XD having people around me who understand is so important to me! I have no clue what I'd me without them🩷
I 10000% agree!! Whenever I’m feeling like I’m a piece of shit that should get fired from my job I talk to my female coworker who also has ADHD and she tells me all the ways she feels like a fuck up too! We get so much validation from each other in these conversations. It makes us feel less alone and helps ease the downward spiral of ADHD depression.
My female friends with adhd are always somewhere else just like I am with them as well because of my adhd. Out of sight out of mind is real! It makes it so hard to keep interactions and deepen friendships consistent 😮😅
What I'm hearing is the best treatment is for everyone else to treat women better ffs. Guy with ADHD here and man I see these expectations on women too much. They're just people they haven't inherited the responsibility of holding your world together just because they inherited 2 X's.
I could cry with how hard I felt it when you talked around the 20 min mark about the unrelenting judgement. It starts as a kid, your parents call you too sensitive, so dramatic, lazy, such a burden, etc. So you go out into the world as an adult trying to disprove all those labels and failing at every turn. I did not have kids and married someone who likes to cook. But even without those cognitive burdens I couldn’t remember birthdays, be on time, earn a lot of money, etc. So the message is I have no value as a human in society. Before diagnosis, after 20 years of trying and failing at adult womanhood, I was hopeless. Hardly anyone talks about this because the shame is so deep. Thank you for addressing it.
That’s the exact same thing that happened to me, I don’t know why he’s acting like it’s that much different. You just have ADHD. And you happen to be a woman. What exactly changes there? I have ADHD and autism and experienced the same thing. It’s really not that different.
@@dresdenvisage yes but that doesn’t change the ADHD. What I’m trying to say is (with the way the video is titled) it makes it seem like ADHD is experienced differently by men and women rather than how ADHD plays a role in the two genders, you know? The expectations don’t change with the ADHD, they change with gender. ADHD is what affects someone’s ability to live up to those expectations. I don’t know, that’s just the way I interpreted it.
My wife has ADHD. We've been together for 8 years. I just learned so much about her and the mistakes I'm making. Huge hugs for this video. Thank you soooo much. I have to go give her hugs and apologies.....
@@Arcticstar0absolutely never. I'm frustrated my comment could have implied that. I'm one of those 50/50 that needs to take the next step to hello with organization and just making trips. I'm learning that when her emotions are high, she's still just trying to communicate and that I should be patient and let her get her thoughts out. Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify
Thank you for learning about her adhd. I have requested my husband and family look into it a bit but they're so adverse. Sometimes I feel so alone. Thank you for being so considerate and empathetic
It is so refreshing to have a man outraged about the pressures women face. Most of the time it feels like a placid reference to the gendered expectations, and tehy're glossed over. Thank you for this very affirming video
My husband always asks me why I care what anyone thinks. He's super supportive and does more than his share, but I don't think he gets the societal expectations part. If someone visits and the house is messy, they're going to think about it as my failing. If birthdays get forgotten, that's on me. I'm so grateful I realized that I didn't want children. I still can't take care of myself, let alone another human.
Thats exactly how I feel about having kids. Its a shame that even this is not a solid choice for us, but more a result of not being able to take care of ourselves well enough
I have adhd, was raised in a very sexist country and still don’t give a damn about what other people think… I think this is more about personality than adhd
@@diplomatamaravilhosa2813 Aaaand we're back at the blaming the video talks about. "Personality", yeah. IMHO this depends a lot on how the judgment manifests. Like, I was totally able not to care what people thought at one of my jobs where there was some gossip about me and some patronizing. But couldn't take it in another job where people actually ostentatively ignored me, didn't answer me when I asked about a work problem, failed to give me messages from my boss, forgot to give me feedback that would have helped me improve my work, etc. etc. And no matter what I did (improved my work performance, openly discussed this with them etc.) they didn't change their behaviour or opinion. What people think about you can manifest in very different ways and some can be actively destructive.
Both me and my brother have ADHD and we both never really knew it. We are both pretty messy. When his room was messy, he was told "go clean your room". However when my room was messy, I was told "you disgusting pig how can you even be female". It was a running joke and the whole family (even the more distant ones) participated in it
Same! My brother's room is a mess and they might roll their eyes like "teenage boys are so gross". But if my room's a mess "Are you actually a girl? Look at other girl's rooms! How are you ever going to marry? Why can't you be normal?"
ahaha- I literally have the same issue... my mom looks at my room and goes "Is this even a girl's room??" and just... berates me for not cleaning it etc, even though my brother is messier than me and he never cleans his room, which makes me have to clean it.
@@sadiyashahriar5648 they make you even clean his mess? Oh wow that's another level. Mine did it only occasionally when it wasn't 100% obvious who's mess it was
SAMEEE i would and still get so upset seeing the difference of expectations. notice how we all have brothers lol. i was supposed to shower more because i was a girl and clean more and do chores more. 'girls arent dirty' instead of getting help i was just supposed to be different with no one helping. fark off!
Women's responsibility for the household becomes particularly clear when it is said that men should "help" women in the household. This implies that household chores are women's work and men should graciously help with it. I think we should pay attention to the language here too. Men are not supposed to help, they are supposed to do their part.
yep, I'm starting to see (I'm 51, so this is "in comparison to my lived experience of adults' conversations from 1978-ish to the 2020s") more and more people "catch" it when they see someone mention a dad "babysitting" their child. (my own mother, who counted herself as a feminist, used that one once with me circa 2002-ish or so... I told her "fathers don't babysit their children; they parent" and she realized immediately how she hadn't shed that bit of socialization and was mortified) I see next to no one catch it when responsibility in relationships/family organization/housework is talked about as the man "helping." (of course, I'm sure more and more people - a "group" that absolutely includes men - are no longer framing it that way... but it's still extremely deeply entrenched with that language, certainly within the Anglosphere and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume within most other language groups)
these stereotypes are also harmful to men, because it is often the case that men do 90% of the work at home, and it is assumed by default that women work more and men less, and men who work hard are not appreciated, and women who do nothing are exalted by society and given credit for them
@@bluetank1111 So you didnt understand anything in the video... perhaps you are referring to most mens work in the home such as maintenance jobs etc... but those chores are occasional and not a daily expectation. That work should be appreciated, as should mans work at a job, but it doesnt compare to the endless, mindless stuff a woman is expected to keep organized at all times that ADHD makes so hard. A man with a broken leg will get compassion and not be expected to mow a lawn but society expects women to naturally ooze capability and nurturing which takes its toll.
I think it really just comes down to them not having an interest. At least this is what the men in my life have enlightened me to. They will "help" but they won't really take it upon themselves. It's too unappealing to be responsible for it.
The crippling self esteem issues are a huge part of why we are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse. We are raised to believe we are always at fault and we need to try harder. Next time you ask, "why didn't she leave him?" consider what she was raised to think was her problem to fix.
Or worse, that she deserves it somehow. Despite knowing objectively it’s false when it’s about someone else, when it was happening to me, I was very quick to buy into the “look what you made me do” of it all.
@@inkythinky Absolutely. My abusive ex, with untreated BPD and active meth addiction, was constantly glossing over his behaviors to focus on mine. He used to say that relationships are 50/50, and therefore I am 50% of the problem. I did try really hard to see what I was doing to cause him to treat me like that. I eventually concluded that my 50% contribution was that I hadn't left yet. So I fixed that. He did the same thing to the next person.
People who say "why didn't she just leave?" Are ignorant to the very nature of domestic violence, and the additional complications that make some women more susceptible
"If you just try harder, these problems will go away" actually made me cry. I didn't get a diagnosis until I was 19 and was finally able to handle my own healthcare.
28:00 This isn't shocking to me after reading and hearing about men leaving women with serious medical issues vs women taking care of their men during illness. It's sad how many women are abandoned after decades of taking care of their men.
Everyone has struggles, but sometimes I feel like no one gets judged more harshly than women with ADHD who are also highly intelligent. People resent you because things come so easily for you when you are feeling motivated and get in the flow, and then they perceive you even more negatively when you are scattered, overwhelmed by competing priorities, and just cannot do what they want you to do. I sailed through college without studying and with a high GPA. I almost always aced tests, but could never manage to do homework or write a paper without the mad adrenaline rush of a fast approaching deadline, then I would be irritable, stressed out, and absolutely useless for anything else during the mad scramble to get it done. I would be told things like "You just need to manage your time better". "You are not living up to your potential". "Nobody could do this thing faster or better than you if you wanted to, you just don't want to". "You just don't care about anybody but yourself and what you feel like doing". And worst of all - "you are a terrible parent". Sometimes it wasn't even stated out loud, but the condemning looks said it all. I didn't blame other people for judging me harshly because I felt like I deserved it. Just like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, "I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT". Medication has helped, but it also increases the likelihood that I might hyperfocus on the wrong thing. What has helped the most is finding people who understand, support me, and gently hold me accountable without making me feel like a hopelessly bad person.
@@jjohnston5406 I've been taking ADHD meds for three years already and, yeah, checks out I guess - hyperfocusing got worse. Way worse. Only I wish the doctor would've told me that, plus the worsening of my emotional meltdowns, instead of me finding out through something as random as a RUclips comment. I thought I was slowly going literally INSANE
The fact that we always get blamed for not doing things we earnestly want to do or are even trying to do feels like a knife being twisted around the heart. Being told to try harder when you're already giving it your all sucks terribly.
I'm always feeling judged and it hurts most when it comes from my family members who know I have adhd, and I've even explained my symptoms. They keep acting like it's laziness and lack of motivation holding me back, and that I should simply try harder at things.
A man should not be "helping out" with his own kids. Or with what THEY'RE going to eat every day. He needs to participate. A man is not a child to do chores.
@@FirstnameLastname-jd4uq because the ultimate reason of being with someone is to make life easier, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially... If you just occasionally help out and are not fully committed to making the other person's life easier, the way they surely do for you, then you're just a drain on them and should think deeply if you deserve to be in a relationship.
@@missauroraroseblairsays from my experience, that's exactly what happens in most of the cases. We even know that with older couples, if the husband dies first, the wife can live alone for years, but if the wife dies first, the husband usually dies as well within a year or two because he literally doesn't know how to take care of himself, including eating property, taking their meds, and making doctor appointments.
Oh so true! I have heard no end of shit from my mother my entire life on my cleaning abilities, the fact that I wasn't married for a long time and my weight (guess who has an eating disorder) and I have had enough.
That explains why my mom hated me so much as a child! And why no one around me who knew her believed me. When she's old, she's going into the worst old folk's home money can buy.
Thank you for addressing the fact that so many of the issues for women with adhd stems from societal pressure. It’s frustrating to hear others tell someone they have “girl adhd” or “boy adhd,” when so much of it revolves around expectations
Genuinely i think that my agender identity saved me from what could've been a lot of problems. Every single time someone said "women should, girls should, you're a girl so you should" I just go "no i'm not a girl, you're wrong and stupid if you believe that lmao" and this stopped me from internalising a lot of things that would've given me problems
Carrying the label of being "overly sensitive" for YEARS has destroyed my health especially now that im in my teen years and the stigma that comes with being an overly emotional teenage girl. You irritated me? Im crying. Im frustrated? Im crying. I get the smallest incentive that someone dislikes me? Crying. This has, to this day, impacted my self-esteem, relationships, friendships and my life on a day to day basis. I loathe my lack of emotional regulation, I loathe the judgement, i loathe my family's mockery, i hate my day to day life. This video definitely brought me some much needed validation. Especially the comments; seeing older women describe how i feel and stuff ive experienced has brought great comfort after being ostracized my while fucking life. Thank you Dr. K❤
At the bright side, you're able cry. I suppressed it to seem tough when I was a teen and it was very bad for my mental health, I had to relearn it later. I'm not trying to be like "I have it worse, you're ungrateful" or anything like that bullshit. Just saying it's actually good that you're connected to your emotions. There was I lot of things I didn't know was actually good and I would benefit from somebody saying me that they're good. Crying is one of them. Your relationship with yourself is more important than opinions of others. And your sensitivity is beautiful in it's own way.
25:40 i know this is shitty but theres something very therapeutic about watching a man having to give a bunch of qualifiers to his statement before he can even think about trying to get to the point to try and preemptively placate the type of dudes that assume any discussion about women's issues somehow takes away from men's struggles. Its exhausting to have to constantly list ten things that you're *not* saying before you can get to the one thing that you *are* saying every time a gendered issue is discussed because there's a bunch of dudes that just *have* to make everything about themselves. It exhausting having to constantly cater to them in a discussion that has nothing to do with them, it wastes so much time and is often effective at derailing a conversation completely.
@@bluon259 I’m well aware but they said “…every time a gendered issue…a bunch of dudes that just *have* to make everything about themselves.” The first half of their comment is fine but then they went general and then back to specific in the middle of the quoted sentence, and stayed specific until the end of their comment. Unless you make the case that Dr. K meant gendered = women’s when he said he has to preface on gendered topics, then what they said is just sorely inaccurate there.
I am a veterinarian. A literal doctor. High achieving. I struggle with cPTSD and symptoms VERY SIMILAR to ADHD. My psych says I likely have BPD EVEN WITH A FAMILY HISTORY OF ADHD because"I did fine in school". He won't assess me for it. It makes me so angry. Yeah sure I'm "fine" but I STRUGGLE WITH THIS EVEN AS A DOCTOR. I forget things. I constantly misplace things. I'm loud. My emotional regulation is terrible. My anxiety got treated and now suddenly I have executive dysfunction!! Every psych professional should have to watch this.
@@dragontuttle3392 Can’t you just go to a private doctor and pay to be assessed? I’m not sure how that works in the US, but here in Europe you can just book and it’ll cost you like 60-100 euros for the assessment. Maybe book a short vacation to Greece and also go get an assessment
so many doctors try to slap the BPD diagnosis on women because they can no longer use the medical diagnosis of female hysteria 🙄 misogyny still clouds the judgement of doctors even today, just not as overtly
@@dragontuttle3392 I am writing my masters thesis on ADHD even with a personal history of ADHD, I can’t get treated for it! I have spent hours and hours reading about ADHD. I’ve watched TED talks. I’ve done so much research on the condition. I’m so informed on it but I literally go to a doctor and they tell me there is no way you could have ADHD because you are getting a higher education. That’s not even in the DSM-V for adult ADHD! So I am being denied treatment because of an old myth. Doctors need more training on ADHD. It’s DEVASTATING IN MOTHERS! Can you imagine how bad I feel when I forget that my son had a pajama party and I send him in regular clothes? He had an Olympics day and I sent him in khakis! I cried on the way home. I’m sure any psychiatrist would say oh that’s depression but you can only fail so many times before it breaks you!
"If you just apply yourself a little more, try a bit harder..." Heard that my whole life. "She's so smart I know she could do it if she just paid more attention." I could do it if I wasn't broken. That's how I've felt my whole life (in my 50s now and never diagnosed or treated). I feel like it's too late now. I have chronic incurable and debilitating multiple autoimmune diseases that are destroying my organs. There is no future for me. Just making it one more day, every day, waiting to die and be done. I hope others get diagnosed and treated so they don't struggle and suffer the way I did. I have spent my whole life feeling not that I have failed "as a woman"... But that I have failed as a person. I don't measure up to the other humans around me.
Me, too. Until I was diagnosed last year (I'm 54), I fully believed I was just broken. So, yes, a failure as a woman, a daughter, a friend, an employee, an employer, a girlfriend, and a teacher. I have autoimmune issues, too, but not as bad as yours. I'm so sorry you're going thru all that. Sending a hug from a random internet person.
I'm only 38 but I also struggle with feeling that it's too late for me despite being diagnosed at 34. I have endometriosis and chronic fatigue issues so not only have I failed on the reproductive side, I also keep failing to contribute to society. But then again, isn't that another byproduct of being raised as women? We're told that we need to be useful as caregivers but there's no meta for when we're the ones needing the care. It's something I struggle with daily.
You havent failed... you are one of many of us that the system and our families failed. I also find it mind blowing that everyone watched me spiral downward for decades and didnt reach out to help or show compassion. I was only diagnosed at fifty and only by fluke as a doctor sent me to a psychiatrist for a second opinion over depression. Depression was only a side effect of a life of high expectations, being misunderstood and endless shame. Huge hugs to you!
To me it was "you're very smart, why do you sabotage yourself by procastinating, why don't you make more efforts, you could do great things in life!" It didn't help that I was tested with a high IQ, everybody expected me to be a genius with an impressive career. Instead at 34 years old (by chance diagnosed with severe ADHD at 33) I can't keep any job more than a few months, I'm obese, broke and I absolutely hate myself. Medication helps a bit but I know I play life in hard mode.
As a man with ADHD dating a women with ADHD, this is a very helpful. I love my girlfriend and i want to understand her better. Thank you for making this video!
No accommodations!!!! I cried several times while watching this video. I didn't realize I had ADHD until I started doing research to help my son. Being a mom, and having the school expect so much from me is what makes me crack. I can't do it all I just can't. I struggle to sleep, but I have to wake up extra early to get everyone ready for school. I am late ALL the time. An ADHD mom trying to get an ADHD kid to put their shoes on and get out the door. Good glory trying to keep us all fed. The shame and judgement when I fall short, which is all the time. And I have it easier than most. A great partner who loves me, friends, family. Really the judgment and comments don't come from them. Just the societal expectations that I know I am not meeting. Sometimes I am the really fun mom. I go all out and deeply care about my kids. I advocate for them and their nerodiversity, I got the 504 plan in place. But somehow it feels like non of that matters because I can't get them to school on time, or put 3 meals on the table. I feel like I am fighting with everything I have to do really basic things and always falling short. I'm even good at the things. I LOVE to organize. I am great at cleaning. I'm a good cook. But I can't do all of it, all the time, every day. My focus is constantly shifting. One week I am cooking up a storm then I can't stand to the next. Also I am going along great and them BAM! get hit by bad brain days. Just can't. Just can't. lying there wishing I could. Even with medication, and a therapist, and the ADHD anti planner, and endless research. I am so lucky and blessed, and I love my different brain, but it is just really hard sometimes. I call mom the wizard because she can just do all of these things. I watch her get all of my laundry folded I have been collecting in baskets for a month and I don't even understand. Not that I won't eventually have a burst where I do it all in a few hours like it's a superpower. I can't even type a comment without my brain going all over. Ok I'm done. Thanks for this one Dr. K.
Good god this entire thing was so relatable. Sustaining all the things all the time is just impossible. Trying to learn to celebrate the small victories.
Not diagnosed, but I resonate so VERY much with everything you said here!! I’m almost 50 and life has been hard, but NOTHING harder than being married to someone who didn’t get it. I have felt so much pain from myself just not being able to live up to expectations and then more and more of the same from him. No real friends to help me through it either. I hope we all can get the help we need🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I'm a "twice exceptional" gifted kid ADHD woman. I have struggled all my life to meet the higher expectations put upon me . Because I look outwardly successful, no one understood that for me everything in life is JUST SO DAMNED HARD! I didn't get diagnosed until age 40 when I was so beyond exhausted I could no longer function. Thank you for making this video and bringing forward all the additional struggles women with ADHD face.
Similar story here! I even had a psychiatrist at the local MH office tell me that I'm too "successful" to have ADHD because I have been able to work and am capable of getting good grades (after I'd just finished describing the dozens of jobs I've hopped between over decades of life, multiple failed attempts at completing a degree, difficulty maintaining friendships, inconsistent "adulting", etc, etc.). The gaslighting we face from society and ourselves is REAL.
Ohhh! I am literally going through the same process rn! I am currently 26, was a gifted kid growing up with ADHD and dyslexia. Because I got a high IQ score when I was young. I was put under so much pressure growing up. And now I am just so overwhelmed all the time.
These are literally the exact same struggles I’ve had for most of my life. I’m a guy, I don’t know how any of this changes with gender. I experienced the same thing, having people call my autistic meltdowns just a “temper tantrum”, being expected to be organized, people getting upset when I forget things, etc. I really don’t see the point of this video.
Its insane how many of us are saying the same thing. I hit such a bad burnout wall a few years ago (I'm 33) because I'm also gifted and anxiety/ADHD but didn't really find out the latter half until recently and I kept thinking I just wasn't trying hard enough or lazy and suffering such bad self-esteem because of it
@@Aatagawa25 That’s become one of my greatest fears over the years: being lazy. Or even being perceived as lazy. Or worse yet, being called lazy. So then I bite off more than I can chew, get frustrated with my lack of significant progress halfway through then rush to get it done, delivering mediocre results at best and dog shit results at the worst.
Truly don't like the social expectations we have for women and men, it's almost like we forget that all of us are human, capable of being different and having different abilites and disadvantages...
This. Even as a kid I'd think how bizarre it is that we as a society seem to be so... anti-human?? Like we are not allowed to do or express anything that is human-like. Being too emotional, struggling with depression or anxiety, being neurodivergent, having a physical disability; It's like you aren't some perfect robot, there has to be something "wrong" with you, and you must be socially excluded. I just really don't get it.
And part of being human is failing. Also innovation following that failure but only machines are infallible. I don’t like how society just expects everyone to not only “get it” but instantly be good at it.
@@WrottJackson Yes and it is so frustrating... I wonder all the time, how did we get here? And what would life be like if we weren't so afraid of ourselves? We'll probably never know.
The cognitive load of organizing is so freaken hard. Whether it's organizing the household, making apointments, getting groceries, keeping up with what the kids are doing in school, planning birthday parties, or just keeping myself and the kids on a routine, the mental load of it all is exhausting. And then dealing with the motivation issues complicates things further.
@NotSoNormal1987 I feel this in my soul. I cried so many times during this video. Probably even more so because my husband sent it to me and has been really trying to learn and help me lately. 🥺
And then you complain about your struggle to someone who laughs and says planning a birthday party or store list is easy, and the shame kicks in so hard!
There are some parts I can handle. I can make lists, and then execute them - so handling the cognitive load of building the grocery list isn't too much of an issue. (Of course, I found an Excel template that has little checkboxes and you can customize it with your most commonly purchased items, and I have a mini whiteboard on the fridge to scribble down stuff as we run low on it, so there are additional systems at play to help me out.) Using the list -> execution format, I manage to somewhat keep my house from getting buried in piles of laundry and coated in ankle deep dust. And I enjoy cooking as a hobby, so I'm happy to make all our meals from scratch. It's the dates and times and appointments that kill me. I'm time blind and dates have no meaning. I'm incredibly, incredibly grateful that my husband is a "numbers guy" and has cheerfully taken on the role of being the household calendar. He also does a lot of the emotional labor of organizing outings with friends and herding cats, something he also does for his department at work, relieving the women there from one of the invisible chores they're used to having (and they all love him for it. Someone ELSE organized the retirement party and they just have to show up with a card? Heck yeah!)
This. Even though I DO love organizing adhd makes it difficult, I have to stand around and stare at everything before I can even begin to decide how to tackle it. Even if it already has a perfectly functioning system happening.
0:15 me? emotionsl disregulation? nooooo..... (i just got done sobbing breaking down because my dad keeps talking over me and chsnging topics when im talking)
FELT like i dont like watching reaction videos for this reason BECAUSE THEYRE TALKING OVER THE VIDEO !!! and its hard to understand whats happening because they make the reaction videos turn into commentaries
Meeee (misunderstood a "wish my life was that easy" joke as a serious statement, had a meltdown that caused my last girlfriend to dump me while saying "whatever I had was no excuse to scream at her or cry like that" and that "her autistic little nephews won't even act like that") Being neurodivergent is just. So fun
discovering r/ADHDwomen was really helpful for me. just seeing a community full of other women all going through the same things helped me realize my symptoms are not in fact character flaws. thank you for making this video, it’s important for us to feel seen
I have a female friend who was married when we attended college (she was already like 30, so I'm not talking about about someone who married at 18). I kinda sensed that she had to put her relationship somewhat aside during our program because the workload was intense. I also noticed that she's pretty scatterbrained, has trouble being on-time, and apparently her husband wanted kids while she wasn't ready yet. They ended up getting divorced by the time we graduated. A few years later she got diagnosed with ADHD. And listening to this episode just makes me feel even more that her ex was kinda unfair to her.
Thank you, Dr. K. You've made me realize that I am not just a victim of ADHD, but I am also a victim of sexism so much that my ADHD won't even get talked about.
@@ay8528 this is important because feminists tend to build a one-sided narrative that women are the only victims of sexism, and men are the perpetrators and men always have it better and sometimes this will lead to pathology such as managing misandric "positive discrimination" in revenge
@@bluetank1111 "Yeah yeah female problems but more importantly, remember about me. ME. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME DON'T FORGET IT EVEN FOR A SECOND, MEN MATTER MORE THAN WOMEN"
I’ve justified it with “I work better under pressure”; I’m so tired of it 😔 I haven’t been diagnosed yet, I’m trying to and it’s hard to explain to doctors so they can refer me to the appropriate professional.
I remember this year I had a bio exam and I didn't study for it until the night before. I was under pressure and stayed up late for the exam and got a C+ in the end. I don't think it's bad for someone who studied at the last minute and suffers from ADHD.but to be honest I hate the feeling of pressure and anxiety it's makes me really tired
I am so exhausted of long nights trying to finish my work because I always plan to start early and end up procrastinating and working under so much pressure. I was very successful when younger, working under pressure worked, got good grades, I was a top performer, etc. Now that I am a mid-career professional and have little kids, it’s a struggle. I am an average performer and rarely shine; I feel guilty because I know I would be much more successful if I only “applied myself” if I was “disciplined”.
I had a broken sense of identity and I was also so nervous explaining this to doctors, but if you can I highly recommend going straight to a mental health clinic or even a practice that does psychiatry. They don't usually give you medicine right away or anything (usually they need to work with you first) but the diagnosis was so helpful. I basically went in telling them that I was wondering this but here were the 10 reasons that I didn't have ADHD, and then they were like: oh, no I think you were right about the adhd thing... Don't hit the burnout wall. It sucks. I nearly worked myself into the ground quite literally, sending you the bestest of vibes
@@Aatagawa25just started doing this as well! truly going straight to a psychiatric/clinician helped better than going to the regular doctor because they felt more understanding! and i do feel like getting a diagnosis is helpful, but it’s also important for all of us to recognize that it’s the symptoms that really matter-which is why they don’t assign medicine right away and normally stick with therapy methods! i completely get you
This hit hard, I’m a 43yo woman with ADHD and autism. Didn’t get diagnosed with either until age 35 and 37. This has messed me up SO bad. I self medicated with snacks and candy, developed a binge eating disorder (free from that one now though) and have been morbidly obeese longer than I care to remember. The self hatred and shame is beyond crippling. My mental health caregivers respons to all this is a snarky ”Yeah, we don’t treat self esteem issues.” 🥺
Your honesty and vulnerability is profound. Unfortunately there are sooo many, dime-a-dozen, mere humans (often far more flawed than we) put in healthcare positions of power that have no business being there. Totally unfit, betraying of their oaths, ignorant, jaded, cynical, lacking empathy, temperament and qualification. Their stupidity isn’t yours to take on with internalized guilt as a result of their malpractice. As a fellow AuDHD woman not properly diagnosed until my 30’s, I see you and hear you and adore you. The way your neurodivergent trauma has manifested makes perfect sense. Know You’re not alone. I just impulsively binge ate a bunch of burgers and fries, etc. last night. Sending you hugs. I get you girl! ❤
I was just diagnosed at 27 after a decade of begging professionals to evaluate me. One of the biggest struggles I’ve faced is having them take my concerns seriously after being diagnosed with depression/anxiety/ptsd. There’s so much comorbidity there that they assume there’s nothing more, and after finally going out of my way to a neuropsychologist (which takes a lot of effort to plan) I’ve finally gotten the diagnosis I knew I should’ve had all this time. I’ve lost jobs due to my struggles, and I’d love to hear you speak to those kinds of situations as well. Thank you so much for covering this topic
I’m struggling with this right now 🥲 I have family history of ADHD. I’m 20 and have been diagnosed with depression since I was 13, but after years and years of “treating the mood” I KNOW it’s not just depression/anxiety. It’s so frustrating to describe what I’m going through to my therapist and having it being diminished to just anxiety. I’m so frustrated and I feel so out of control of my life and it feels so dumb having to beg to be tested for ADHD, just so I could know for sure. This entire video really resonated with me and I hope to get tested soon lol.
@@dilfluvr_ holy shit im also 20 and recently just had my first therapy session mostly for anxiety and im hoping to get my therapist to dig deeper and actually assess me for adhd, in our first session she said she didnt think i had adhd but it wasnt until i told her "coffee and energy drinks never worked on me in fact i drink caffeine to calm me down" that she raised an eyebrow and said "okay we'll go back to the adhd" like omg??
@@cherrypopbaybe omggg good on you for advocating for urself im a proud stranger >:) i had to list down every symptom ive ever had in severe detail just for my therapist to finally tell me we’ll look into it more during our appt this friday. i remember when i was 15 my dad had brought up ADHD to my therapist because my grandmother has it. we were actually going through with testing to the point where my teachers were contacted, but the damn therapist stopped working at my hospital and my procrastinating ass never rlly brought it up again, mainly bc i kinda forgot after putting it off lmao. it’s so annoying how quickly they’ll write you off when you have a history of depression and/or anxiety, and it’s extra annoying considering after all of these sessions none of my therapists heard what i was saying and realized the root of why i was feeling depressed is because i felt like i was wasting my potential, probably due to ADHD. idkkk i just wanna know for sure bc i really want to get off these SSRIs and learn adhd coping skills if that’s what’s fr going on lol
@@dilfluvr_ omg i felt this so hard 😭 I have severe anxiety and a long history of it as well as a history of depression which is why my therapist initially didn’t think there could possibly be something else going on bc how is it that i cant do the things that i WANT to do, things that bring me JOY?? I cant do them because i cant get myself to start. I cant get myself to get off my ass. And it’s NOT anxiety because i’m not anxious about it. I’m FRUSTRATED. WHY CANT I JUST DO IT!!!?? And the whole “feeling like i’m wasting my potential/wasting my life” is so fucking real. Anyways i’m gonna bring all of these issues up with her (cuz it’s def so much more than this) on our next session where she promised me a self-assessment of adhd so hopefully it goes well 🙏
I was already suprised with the title of the video finally seeing a topic geared more towards women audience since its largely become male geared channel but the last minute message made me super glad you can see both sides even having to sit the men down who would get angry just for giving woman help. I guess its not doom and gloom for society
Right? I benefit a lot from this channel either way but i tuned in after a few months and was pleasantly surprised to see he's doing women now, really cool.
This whole video is me. I've NEVER been a homemaker for all the reasons he states in the video. I never had kids, and I think that has more to do with the autism I recently got a diagnosis for. I finally lucked out and have a man who actually IS a homemaker! He shops, does laundry, cooks, cleans... My job makes us the most money, so trad roles are completely reversed here, and you know what? We love it! Best relationship I've ever been in, but it certainly wasn't the first.
@@richardf.6430 Good luck! And note that he had some bad habits to begin with, but he wanted to be with me and got therapy when I threatened to leave. Dealing with people is like antique shopping - even the best deal needs a little work (including yourself)!
I struggled with housework and beat myself up for it. I thought I am a genius, but I can't put my groceries away easily. I had an abusive marriage. My father and brother told me I needed to be a better wife. This helped me so much!
@@capricehutton1785 you're perfect and brilliant, they just don't understand you. Sorry you were made to feel like you were no good. I'm sure you did so much that they didn't recognize.
Loved the book How to Keep house while Drowning. Yes much of it is practical advice, but the most value I got from it was the un-moralizing of household tasks and deconstructing that.
your father needed to be a better father and your brother needed to be a better brother too fr oh also your partner needed to be a better, or, if "better" is a bar that's too high, at least a decent human being. all that ain't your fault, some might be also theirs-the way that you feel like this about yourself. you're enough, even just the way you are.
went to a psychotherapist at age 28 with depression and ed. a few weeks later was diagnosed with adhd and honestly my metnal health is so much better just from knowing
I love so much that he said he doesn't have an answer for how to help this. Like 4 easy steps or just sign up for my class. For me, it shows it's a real struggle and hardship. Also, I've been trying to figure it out on my own forever, and he's a professional, and he doesn't know either. So it's not that im stupid, lol! 30:32
thank you..from the bottom of my heart. this was the single most nuanced video on adhd in women i've ever encountered. most therapists/doctors have no idea and they misdiagnose and steal time from the people who come to them for help. and they sincerely do not care (in my experience). so, thank you. this condition ruined all future prospects of career success and I'm, at 27, trying to fix the damage that has been done with poor therapy, unhelpful parents, a harsh system that kicks you out the second you dont perform to their selected metrics and bad relationships who had left me broken again and again. starting over when your brain has been already conditioned to believe for certain that you're a lazy failure that can do no good...is truly difficult.
Even after diagnosis it’s an important to keep advocating for yourself! High achieving women (you know, like doctors) in my experience have been even more judgmental. Instead of helping me they were like, appalled by me. Recently one still didn’t believe I needed medication. I said, “I no longer have the energy to function” and she replied, and I quote: “maybe this is just how you are.” Cool, thanks. I guess I’ll just go look for a spot under a bridge to sleep in for when I get fired instead of being able to refill my medication.
Big hug to you- you’re not alone. I hope you’ll find a great therapist specialised in woman adhd. I wish I did know Abt my adhd as I was 27. So from my perspective I still think you’ve got this. Go girl❤️
Im 27f too and this video has made me feel so seen. Always thought I was just lazy and self sabotager, literally couldn’t think about the future. Now I’m crying watching this video
I hope to encourage you by sharing that I didn’t land in a successful career until my 40s. It’s not too late. Yes, it’s a difficult road and a lot of unlearning but you can get there.
Thank you! I think it's a hard thing to balance: Advocating for yourself against what experts/society/etc. say and try to be heard vs. not coming off as unreasonable or "extremely feminist". No one wants to put men or their experiences down (and those who do are a-holes) and it is important to take men seriously (especially regarding mental health, abuse etc.), but sometimes we need to say stuff like "you don't understand me" or "you're not like me" or "what you're going through is not what I am going through" and then be taken seriously. It's not perfect yet, women still get underdiagnosed with basically anything that isn't migraine or stress and a lot of medication still isn't properly geared towards women (like how we still don't have proper treatment for female specific issues such as endometriosis)... and that is just the medical side, let alone what societal demands we still have to fulfil or be seen as failure. But I think we're slowly getting there... (if you ignore the trend of young women becoming more and more liberal, while young men are becoming more and more conservative.....hmm..)
my adhd diagnosis did basically nothing for me when i got it as an adult but over time it has let me accept myself and the truly incredible amount of practice I have had at surviving this world alone. I have been strong since I was a child and that will only continue to serve me. It is not my responsibility to make other people comfortable with the amount of work I do and how hard I choose to work.
it almost makes me emotional to watch an entire well-thought out video just on adhd in women. everything hits home really hard as someone who didn’t get diagnosed until college and went through an incredibly deep depression that was HEAVILY influenced by my undiagnosed adhd symptoms. thank you
Oh god you almost had me in tears at the end there. It’s so hard not to blame myself for so much of what I consider failings. I did a short paper in my first year of college on this subject and of course I didn’t dive all that deeply for it but it was the first time I ever recognized that ADHD really wasn’t just a made up issue like some people think or something that isn’t as big a thing as it actually is. Even then I still struggle with feeling unworthy. I hope more research gets done on treatments and solutions about maintaining life. I was technically diagnosed at 7 or 8 because I was actually a hyperactive girl along with the inattentiveness, but around middle and high school I started to become more quiet and didn’t want to put myself out there as much because of bullying and the self esteem issues that were added on top of the ones that stem from ADHD. It wasn’t until 17 or 18 I started to really take my diagnoses for what it was and got another official diagnoses because at some point I didn’t like using my stimulants and stopped taking them entirely. Nowadays I try to be kinder to myself, and I’m generally a happier person day to day because I can express myself more fully with my friends about my interests and generally excitement over things, but the emotions can get so overwhelming outside of those really good days. Ladies, PLEASE start giving yourselves a little more grace. Do your best to adapt, make whatever accommodations you have to in order to be as effective and productive and happy with yourself in your day to day as possible when you need to. Try not to let other people’s opinions of you make you feel less than because at the end of the day, you’re the only one who will always have to live with yourself. People come and go, but YOU are the one in control of your actions. Most of the time, of course.
Late diagnosed, I was so optimistic when I heard the stats about efficacy of meds and other treatments for ADHD. Now I've pretty much given up trying to find a treatment that works, thinking yet again that the problem is me. I had no idea that the response stats for women were so different! Still frustrating, but a bittersweet bit of relief that it isn't something specifically wrong with ME.
Only hard excersize works for me. I don't mean the gym. I mean downhill mountain biking, freediving, rock climbing. It works, dopamine, regulation AND I'm good at it. The meds boost mediocre daily life, but they don't work on their own. Excersize and an extremely simplified life. Not easy.
@@m.bird.the only thing that works for me is marijuana. Helps with all my symptoms, Lack of appetite, anxiety, insomnia, inability to focus, irritability. Im currently to taking a break because i have a respiratory virus, and ive never been so unproductive and addicted to my phone since before i started smoking. 😂 im definitely better when im high
Encountered this too. Hard exercise, strong routines, very good diet with minimal meds work best for me. Unfortunately I can no longer walk without crutches (serious permanent back injury) and everything has fallen apart. I can't rely on medication as it doesn't work for me. I keep being told suck it up, like HOW?! or I get sympathy which is nice but how do I manage? I can't figure it out and professionals are useless.
Psych meds are in a state of infancy. As is psychology, psychiatry in general. A very primitive state. We’re only 15 years from using penis envy as a reason for stuff
Woman with ADD diagnosed at almost 30 here - It was such a relief to be diagnosed after almost 30 years of constant struggles at school/uni, and constant negative judgment from the outside world resulting in low self-esteem issues. Raising awareness for women with ADHD is so important. thank you so MUCH doctor.
As a 55 yr old woman who just got diagnosed this week, I can confirm hearing "flakey" and "over sensitive" often while growing up. A lot of this video hit home, thanks for deciding to publish it. I look forward to seeing more on this topic as I continue this journey. Keep doin' what you're doin', Doc!
I'm male but I had a more female presentation of adhd. I was called spaced out and vague. As a teen my friends parents though I may have been on drugs. Only got diagnosed at 54.
I think it's ADHD Jesse who talks a lot on Twitter and now RUclips about being a man with inattentive type ADHD. I definitely don't think I have that one. I'm a woman who thinks I'm quite hyperactive but idk. Depends on what the defining criteria are.
People say women are under diagnosed but I know plenty of non-females getting overlooked because they're not presenting gendered enough on the ADHD.. 💀
Inattentive type is always underdiagnosed. Years ago there was also ADD term that was used to describe this type of simptoms, known by even less professionals of the period.
Just diagnosed at 36 and mom of two little boys. Motherhood pushed me to my breaking point. Im so thankful my husband has been so supportive! After diagnosis, he told me, “it makes so much sense”. He compliments me so well and I couldn’t be more grateful. Edit: Oh my goodness! I commented before I heard the bit about judgement from other moms! YES!!!! I have cried my eyes out more times than I can count for feeling like a failure as a mom 😢
omg same, becoming a mom seemed to suddenly add all of these unexpected expectations. I love being a mom, but the judgement about every single decision you could possibly make is so exhausting. I'll tell you what my partner tells me: you're doing great. the most important part about being a good mom is caring, and its obvious you care. your boys are probably super lucky to have a mom that is also interested in learning more about herself
Becoming more successful at work and getting promoted broke me twice (burnout), I couldn't imagine throwing kids into the mix. I don't know how you moms do it, i'm always in awe.
"crippling self-esteem issues". ha. Hahahaha. Yep. Didn't see this one mentionned before but it's the truest thing i've heard. Im better now as an adult, but I still struggle to stop the "beating myself up relentlessly" reflex that i've developped over the years.
Videos like these are so insightful. My wife has ADHD diagnosed since childhood and this helps me so much to understand how she feels, how to help her, how to make her feel better and make her life comfortable.
35:04 The video alone is already enough and I learned a lot today thanks to you. So thank you for investing all your time in this topic and share it with the world.
I'm an ADHD mum with a full time job and a toddler. I have so much brain fog I had a test to see if I was in early menopause. Nope. Just the worst ADHD symptoms I've had in my entire life. Work is thr worst, I was managing OK until I had a kid, now I can hear myself in meetings sounding very scattered and unintelligent. It sucks.
I learned recently that pregnancy actually changes your brain in physical ways. You should look into the research. You might literally have worse symptoms because of the ways your body changed.
Ooh atomicladies, my heart goes out to you .... Being a mum with ADHD is very hard .... In a perfect world we would screen mothers to be for ADHD so we could support them better during those first years .... Tough times
Look into carnivore diet, healed my brain fog, I also read out loud 15 minutes, helps to form your thoughts logically, still have adhd symptoms but cognitive functioning is much better
A lot of women also experience the issue that when they take stimulants like Adderrall or Concerta, how well it works varies depending on your menstrual cycle phase. For a lot of people it stops working as well the week before your period, which sucks even more! There isn't much research on it I think because these hormonal interactions aren't well researched? Would love to hear your opinion on this area too!
Id argue it’s pretty straight forward…it’s the dopamine/estrogen interaction, specifically the decreased estrogen. But it doesn’t seem like there is much interest in finding a solution that works best for female humans
8:02 This is my childhood. My parents thought I was a bit or a crybaby and shy (I was selectively mute) so my Dad put me in drama classes. It didn't make me less shy, or help my self-esteem, it just taught me to mask better. 27:00 I know this is not really the greatest of comparisons but, I can't help but think of the high percentage of men who leave their wives after a cancer diagnosis, versus the other way around.
YUP especially the part about stimulant meds not being enough! I have told my psych so many times i’m so grateful to be on meds and they’ve made my life so much better, but they’ve only really helped my ANXIETY!!!! They chill me out and have almost completely stopped my panic attacks, but not fixed my adhd symptoms (disorganization, forgetting stuff, being late to everything, bad at communicating, prioritizing, knowing what steps to take to do a thing etc.)
Not gonna lie, this video made me cry. I'm 27, and I got diagnosed a couple of months ago. I went to private psychologists to get the diagnosis and when i got it, i went to talk to the public psychiatrist and i sensed that the psychiatrist wasn't up to date with adhd and he tried to scare me away about starting medication to have the combined therapy. He said to me some myths about adhd but in the end, we started with stimulants bc i told him how adhd affected me in my job. But it felt like i was begging him to have the treatment i need bc I'm fairly "functional". Watching this video, acknowledging all the struggles I've had, made me think, once again, how difficult it is to live as a woman and, moreover, a woman with adhd and that made me cry bc it is just unfair...
Enjoy deveIoping long term health side effects of stimuIants. As someone diagnosed and medicated, its totally not worth it, but hey thats a probIem for 10 years from now, right :)
@momoaa I'm sorry that was your experience. I'm not sure if you're still taking medication, but I hope you could talk to your doctor about those side effects and find solutions or alternatives for it. I understand that the adhd medication I'm taking can give me side effects, but right now, for me it's working fine, and if I have side effects, I'll talk to my doctor about it. I wanted to start with meds bc i already was going to therapy, and it felt not enough, i was still struggling with studying and keeping habits. What I don't understand is your passive-aggressive comment... you could have said a constructive comment explaining your experience that may help others, but you opted not to. Hope you have good luck with your situation if that's what you need. 🍀
@@aj_3106 Its just sad to people think they got a win by pressuring their doctor into prescribing them stimulants. Im not surprised its working fine, in fact id be surprised if it wasnt, but the long term effects of stimulants such as neurotoxicity that is terrible for your brain health and will affect your cognition long term, heart and blood pressure issues are undeniable. Then there are immediate common side effects that you will pretend not to notice or blame on preexisting mental problems, like high levels of irritability and mood swings. If you were born 50 years ago you would be thinking cigarettes were the solution to your problem, that doesnt mean its true. Sorry for the passive aggressiveness, its just sadness/frustration to see the normalization of people destroying their bodies to be better functioning worker bees in the short term, and by the time you notice it, it will be too late. Good luck to you as well.
@@momoaa some people genuinely need the chemical help because we quite literally cannot focus or get our ideas or thoughts to merge into one line versus an all for all freeway and some of us quite literally cannot function properly in the eye of the public without these things I'm talking about like losing jobs not being able to hold down relationships have your children taken from you type of things because if you have a mental health disorder and you have children and you're not actively going and getting medicated for it that can be considered medical neglect and depending on where you live they can take your children for it depending on how severe what you're neglecting is
@@cheyennelevi5910 ive been there, my stimulant is the only thing that gets me through the day without being incredibly sluggish, completely out of it unfocused dazed and confused, and anxiety so bad it leaves me agoraphobic. After ~10 years, its still the same, only im 2x less functional on meds, basically at my old baseline when im medicated, and absolutely need addy to not sleep 12-16 hours a day and be a complete zombie the rest of the time, with my cardiovascular health suffering the consequences way too much to be able to just bump up the dose and forget about it. Havent ever been able to ge through school or work, but its only gotten much worse, with my last job ending in a fent addiction that almost killed me multiple times. This isnt the solution to a chemical imbalance, (well it is, i cant deny the effectiveness of the medication, in fact its so effective literally anyone can benefit from it. every single brain on the planet earth is wired for dopamine which stimulants provide in spades) its about slowly ruining your brain and heart health until you are a shell of a person kept in limbo by doing stimuIants every day. It is short sighted and ill advised. This isnt even getting into the acute side effects like the intense irritability and mood swings, particularly when the medication wears off. I know several doctors and therapists that are adhd, and not a single one who is medicated for it. Weird that the people perscribing these things arent down to use their own bodies as guinea pigs to me, but what do i know im just a silly person on the internet :)
oh man. oh man. im 10 minutes in and already making so many connections and feeling so seen… when dr k mentioned low self esteem and eating disorders being common manifestations of undiagnosed adhd in women i just started crying. i didnt get diagnosed til 21, but as a blonde i got a lot of “blonde moment” jokes as a child, to the point i started to doubt my own intelligence, and i dealt with disordered eating for years. i remember feeling like i was “faking” my eating disorder & it was something i “chose,” like i just needed some “reason” to justify why i was suffering so inexplicably despite not being depressed or anxious. so many things slotted into place after my diagnosis 😭 lazy & procrastinator became personality traits i just thought were a part of me.
I never had an eating disorder... well maybe I do... I'm addicted to sugar and carbs, not restricting food. Emotional eating I guess. But anyway I relate to what you said about feeling like you were "choosing" your disorder. My feelings were real but somehow I was made to feel like my symptoms of depression and anxiety were a choice, I was choosing to be "mad" or "mopey" or I just "had a chip on my shoulder for no reason", an "attitude". When I cried, my tears were called "crocodile tears". I felt so ashamed of my own emotions, and questioned if I really was the manipulator everyone told me I was. It's SO fucked up.
oh my god i am so sorry, i hate the casual misogyny people throw at girls and women for just being women. my mother dyes her hair blonde - shes the smartest, strongest person i know, and yet her husband (a useless manchild) dared to joke about how stupid blond women are. and she laughed at it. ik its hard but i hope you get rid of those internalized beliefs - people who say this shit don't deserve to have their opinions count lmfao. you are strong and i wish the best for u
As a woman with ADHD, this is now one of my favorite videos on the internet. I’ve watched it 3x and am sharing it with other people who could benefit from this information.
Thank you for covering this and bringing awareness to what ADHD looks like in women. As a doctotal clinical psychology student and a woman with ADHD, it breaks my heart every time I read studies about it. It's like looking in a mirror and seeing middle school me who struggled so much with self-esteem ane relationships and never got help for it. Hopefully in a few years I can add to the growing pool of literature on girls with ADHD and how we can diagnose and get them support early on!
I'm actually crying. I didn't know i needed this. These are answers I've been trying so hard to find for years. I've always thought that something was wrong with me. You have no idea how much i needed to hear all of this, especially the ending. Thank you for giving me a starting point when so many therapists couldn't even give me a diagnosis. My last one was the first to say something and she only said "you seem to have some ADHD symptoms". It wasn't even a full diagnosis. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. This helped heal even a little of my lifetime of trauma, struggles, and pain. Thank you.
This video really got me appreciating my mother so much for managing to keep it together whilst dragging 3 kids along, and exhibiting ALL the symptoms without any help. I’m going to buy her a gift just to show my love.
37:14 For a moment, I wasn't watching an HG video. That was Dr. K talking directly to me. I've never felt more seen in my life. I'm really amazed and so incredibly grateful for all the effort it took to build this level of understanding. Thank you, Dr. K and HG 💚 You've sparked a lot of hope for the future
OMG the part about the cognitive responsibility really got me. At first I thought... my hubby goes to the store more than I do. But then I realized, Oh Yeah. He has ME text him the LIST that I MADE, based on what I had to PLAN for the family to eat this week. He NEVER in 30+ years has EVER planned meals for us. The most he's ever done is decide to BBQ some meat. Not even plan side dishes. He just assumes that sides will magically appear cuz.... And they do. Because I make that happen. Same for house cleaning. He will do this or that once in awhile but I do 99%. He's never sent a Birthday or Christmas card, not even to his own family members. I do that. I take care of everyone when they're sick. I even make Dr. appointments for him because he asks me to since he can't be bothered to do it. There are a million and one things I have to do. Even making sure the car tires are full and the oil changed and mowing the lawn, etc. He does provide financially. But the rest has never been anywhere even close to 50/50. And honestly, I didn't even really question that until the internet came along and I was able to see from comments how others live. I grew up with so much abuse that I was just glad to have a husband who was employed and didn't beat me or do drugs or drink. My bar was set pretty damn low.
It makes me so mad that women put themselves in those positions and accept this kind of treatment. I'm truly sorry. It's infuriating that men think this is normal. Never feel bad for saying no and expect more than just someone who doesn't harm you. Neglect is pretty freaking bad too.
17:06 That speaks to me soooo much! I have two younger brothers and the expectations our parents had for us girls and the boys from all angles are worlds apart. Things we learned to do before a certain age, they are incapable or don't want to do them. We (the girls) are expected to be organised, good at school..etc and we turned out like this in a way, but once i was in my own i noticed just how i was putting on a mask i thought was me. I was definitely not an organised person, it was hard for me to do laundry on time, being in class and trying so hard to stay focused, doing work on time, it was all harder than when i was home.
I could cry listening to this video. I never post comments but I feel like I need to now. This video is so helpful. Coincidentally the person under my comment is saying the same thing about wanting to cry. Thank you for being so passionately about this.
"Diagnostic criteria was done exlusevily for boys" - oh, I felt that. I was lucky and get diagnosed with inattentive type in 31, several months ago. I was looking for diagnosis after Dr. Ks video about ADHD that I accidently stumbled on RUclips) And it hits me hard. But doctors where I live are not so professional and some of them made their judgement soley on this interviews. There was like "Are you losing your things often?" And I was like "No" thinking "after habit-through-anxiety where I don't wanna be called forgetful again and feel emotionally bad after (you are _girl_) so I triple check everything ever since". Same for conversation, interrupting and many other things. And beacuse of ADHD (now I get it) I never wanted relashionships bc maintain my own human existence is heavy enough already, and somehow always knew that I couldn't lift someone's expectations, at least for now. Thanks again Dr. K for bringing this problem up! (and many others as well)
I feel you! I've just had my ADHD misdiagnosed as "anxiety" because the psychologist was prejudiced. My anxiety levels are usually mild at best. I even had wild results from the ADHD tests like 83rd precentile without distractions but 2nd percentile with distractions.
@@Asharra12 Yeaah, I undestand, been there too! During life I worked out some of women and life expectations and don't experience thant much anxiety as in my 20s for expamle. But one of the doctors also diagnose me with severe(???) anxiety olny because I miss one point by this adhd interview (and more likely I had bad brain day, bc other day I made to criteria with another doctor. Hormones says hi, yeah).
As a teen in high school (15yrs) who struggles in school less than others with ADHD, I still struggle with things like memorization, test anxiety and disorganization that with some impulsivity, small things can crack me. It's odd being called the "smart kid" despite me spending hours on things others take 40-ish minutes on but getting the same result anyway. I can't stay still in classes, my leg bounces and I spend most time drawing on the papers than doing the actual work. I mostly struggle with emotional numbness and some emotional regulation, along with having a focused work flow without feeling like I can't do it by the due date and instead procrastinating out of anxiety, so thanks for speaking out for people like me. I'm undiagnosed but I've never been considered or acknowledged for having ADHD or other mental problem symptoms like my brother since I'm not always outwards with it and I'm more mature with my emotions. The blame on my hormones for other things has gone so bad I gaslight myself if me wondering if I have ADHD is selfish or not...
This acknowledgement of struggles to stay above water... Thank you Dr.K, you have no idea how painful and kind is to be (even through the video) seen and heard. 🙏
This is exactly me, from the little girl who could sit still in my seat but never focus on schoolwork to being 32 and struggling with time management so much it hurts (I just get told i need it but not HOW to do it) and planning and hating myself for not being able to get a real job. Can't even get a diagnosis officially since there's only one doctor in the area who administers them now and my prescriber says she probably won't even see me if she hears I've managed to finish school and get a master's degree also, when I had to stay up for three days to finish my ma portfolio because it was the last minute and how the stress and anxiety of not getting my brain to work burnt me out and I don't go network since I had to do coursework so it damaged career prospects. Sure I could stay in school, but that doesn't mean i haven't struggled my whole life and it hasn't impacted my social and professional life
I was such a procrastinator, like, until a due date was looming, I always felt weird about starting things early so I never did, no matter how many times I said I wasn't going to do it this time.
@lainiwakura1776 literally same this comment section and the replies here are just so relatable I don't know if I also have ADHD because I've never been diagnosed and I have friends who have been and I relate to them In a way too and this video and comment section makes me wonder again if I have it(since I have wandered about that before too but I usually get dismissed If I try to bring it up so I just stopped communicating my concerns but I'm glad I can relate here)
Also I do remember not being able to pay attention in class since I was a child and I remember how when I was like 7 or smth I'd rather make paper airplanes and craft things in class and my things also being all around my space in the classroom and getting in trouble for that and also not being able to get a lot of the subjects for which I also got a lot of trauma from my parents and school I honestly don't know if that counts but I wanted to share There was also a time where I was crying to my parents how I don't like my current school and they took that as I want to move schools😭
Dr. K just recapped my teens. I was called airhead and spacey a lot. Bad grades unless I was interested. Just diagnosed with adhd last month. I’m 45. So much makes more sense now. Thank you for making this content!
I always watch Dr. K's videos, and I know to wait until the end so he can give some points of advice. I was trying to hold back my tears throughout the whole video because I relate to every single thing said (except for being a mom, I'm not there yet!). I always get surprised by how accurate, or more specifically, how textbook, my symptoms are. Then he says, "And this is where I'm sad to say there is no easy answer to this, and not only that, but the answers we have don’t work well for women either." So that basically destroyed me. A whole field researching ADHD for so long, only to recently realize that we have been leaving out a huge portion of patients with outdated or non-female-specific traits. And now that we are just starting to address this, we're not that far along either. It’s devastating. I’ve always felt invisible to the world, like a bad person, just defective. And I know this is literally what Dr. K is trying to explain to us, that we are not, but I can't help feeling like I was right all along: I am invisible. My heart hurts so much for all of us, girls.
As a women with ADHD I got my diagnosis at 27. The combination of a high IQ and being a women made it really difficult to get the diagnosis. Now I have my diagnosis and I'm on medication which is helping me a lot and i'm also in therapy. But finding material to learn more about ADHD in women as an adult is very difficult. There haven't been made that many studies, most of the advice and help material I can find is for children and men with ADHD. I am so glad that you decided to make this video, it's hard to try to explain to people that having ADHD in it self can give you disadvantages in life but being a women with ADHD adds to the difficulty level.
My diagnosis was completely life changing at 38. Clinical depression, anxiety disorder, lifelong addictions were all healed within months of starting treatment. I wish more ppl esp women knew about this. Thank u for speaking on it
WOW! That last 5minutes did so much for me- to simply be “validated” & “seen” and “recognized” that there IS an issue and a stark difference when it comes to gender and the medical data bias around this topic and the other complexities. 3 years ago I was desperate to have a label/diagnosis (anything) to make sense of it… masking in a totally toxic relationship felt like death literally- and then started that long haul journey of the self work, trying to “educate” medical professionals on the data bias for females… and then slowly deleting all toxicity externally and internally… a process. So THANK YOU for investing the months to release this video. You are appreciated( and your team) EU new fan!
I was recently diagnosed in my 30s, and everything you've said here rang true. I especially respect and appreciate at the end when you admit that there is no simple answer or fix. Managing my symptoms has been a huge challenge. The monthly hormonal changes cause intense brainfog/worsening of ADHD symptoms and mood shifts to the point where I thought I had bipolar disorder for a while before my diagnosis. Things are managed better now but it was rough for a while. Additionally, thank you for speaking about women's issues to your (I assume) largely male audience so eloquently. I have to admit, when I saw "gamer" in your tag I was afraid I might eventually see misogynistic content on your channel. I'm a gamer as well, but the gaming community can be very toxic towards women. It feels weird to say "thanks for not being shitty", but the bar is low these days, lol.
I'm a man but this entire experience is very relatable. When I was a kid one bad experience of getting yelled at for not paying attention and talking with others scared me and after I was always so afraid of getting in trouble, so I stayed very quiet and still(only stimming rlly). I struggled making friends and understanding how everyone else does it so easy. It really is the worse, I stopped wanting to go to school third grade and became very depressed in 4th grade. I still struggle at work opening up and not masking all the time. I find a part of my brain thinks staying quiet and not connecting with other people is the best and safest option, but I really don't want that people are fascinating and hope to get to know many people whom I can call friends in my life.
My brother got diagnosed at 5. I figured out I had it and went in to get diagnosed at 42. I know his was easier to spot because he couldn’t sit still, and I could, but it still hurts that I didn’t know what was going on with me for decades and that most of my life has passed me by.
As a husband of a woman with ADHD this was extremely eye-opening. I've been very supportive and tend to be the more organized and timely one in the relationship. I never thought ADHD was at play here. Thanks Dr. K, even if we don't have an action play yet, the knowledge and facts alone are the first step to helping these women feel more confident and supported.
I started sobbing realizing so many of my “failures” are contextualized by an adhd diagnosis. Completely explaining so many of my struggles and experiences actually had a reason. Frankly preventable if I just had support instead of just being called lazy or emotional. Even in relationships, self esteem, mental health, intimate partner violence, organizational, academic performance, pretty much everything the video explains just connected so many dots for me. It just makes me wish I could have had some sort of help or realized this sooner instead of being dismissed my whole life and maybe things would have been different for me
trust me bro, no woman just 'forgets' about condoms. the tendency of adhders to people-please just makes it easier for shitty dudes to pressure them into doing it without.
Not just dudes, everyone around me insisted that the issue with condoms is just an excuse because I was on the pill. I was told years later that the pill tends to fail in women with ADHD, which explains why it didn't work as advertised.
@@v3ru586 Does it fail because of some hormonal issue or does it fail because relying on a form of birth control that requires the woman to remember to take a pill at the exact same time everyday is a terrible idea for a woman with ADHD?
@@Aristochronic I guess it's the second one. The gyno didn't have an explanation, it's just something he noticed with his patients, the psychiatrist claims she doesn't know enough about gynaecology to know if it's even an issue.
"forgetting" about the condom DOES happen to women though, due to the impulsivity issue ADHD brings. That impulsivity is heightened in a state of emotional (and literal) arousal. Happened to my best friend. Her unplanned daughter will be 8 this year.
This is so interesting. Also the explanation why ADHD becomes much worse in puberty. I recently looked at my school grades from back in the day. They had a significant dip during puberty. I had good grades before and loved school because it was so much input and a different subject every hour.
Being misdiagnosed with anxiety and put on an SSRI that further distanced me from my self and my emotions is seriously my villain origin story. I’m now off of it, taking adderall several days a week, and more confident than ever. I know who I am and I can connect with myself again. Can’t explain the emotional significance of a misdiagnosis
I’ve never felt so validated before. I’m constantly beating myself up over all of these things that I feel. To know this is a legitimate condition gives me reassurance that it’s not my fault. At least now I have a starting point for getting my life back on track.
30-something ADHD woman here! I thought I would grow out of my emotional, angry, upsetting outbursts as a child, these were emotions I can mature from. I flew by school with as high grades as possible (to be a perfect daughter). Going into adulthood alone I thought I would make it! Be independent, have a job I love, chasing dopamine hit after dopamine hit of doing ALL of my hobbies. But after so many years of falling behind of my peers, losing the motivation to make art, and constant failed relationships, I'm just so tired. I'm finally at a point where I'm properly diagnosed, and in a place with a caring support system. It's still hard to accept that I need help and that this world was not made to accommodate me. It is OK to ask for help!!
First, kudos to Dr. K. For lack of gatekeeping, it’s SO appreciated. Second, on top of all the valid points you make here, peri-menopause starts around age 45 and menopause around age 50, which is a huge loss of cognitive functioning for women who are in their prime working careers, mature marriages, and caregiving for elders as well as any children still at home. I’m 60 and just this last year started to suspect ADHD. It’s taken over 9 months of experimenting with Hormone Replacement Treatments but we’ve finally found a combination that seems to be making a drastic change in all aspects of my life, but especially with focus, task initiating and finishing, and many other ADHD symptoms. I wish I’d gotten my hormones tested in my 30s. Lastly, can you at some point discuss childhood trauma vs. or in conjunction with ADHD, there seem to be a lot of similarities. Very helpful video, as usual…THANKS.
I love your channel. I'm late diagnosed autistic (with a bunch of comorbidities like adhd) and have had a lot of medical trauma, especially with psychiatrists. I feel like watching you is healing that. Thank you! :)
Thank you so much for this. Diagnosed at 29. I’ve told others (men) and they start the “mine is worse than yours” and “well as a kid did you have this IEP”… I just let them have it. It’s not worth explaining how that completely dismisses my issues. Not all men. Some men. But the voices stay in my head.
@@Aatagawa25 Completely agree! Especially because we’ve been finding ways to deal and cope for X amount of years to seem “put together” while not knowing “what’s wrong”. All without the traditional support that comes with an early diagnosis.
@@Chsbobcat1I was undiagnosed until 17 I don’t know what this magic “deal and cope” stuff is. I just fail. Meds worked for a while but now I just fail again. Maybe you’re just better than me? Since I can’t even seem to “cope and deal” being diagnosed and prescribed medicine. Maybe I’m just not applying myself? Maybe I’m just stupid? Maybe I’m just actually retarded? Maybe I just suck?
@@Dagotur based on your other comments here, I’m not 100% you’re aim, but I’m going to answer like I would have had I not seen your other comments: Therapy helps a lot with the “I just fail” feelings. Especially if you find someone that can relate to your experiences on some level. Also just because I was able to “deal with it” doesn’t make me better than you at all. Just different. We all have things we’re good at and things we’re not, and that’s ok.
When I started thinking I had ADHD and was looking into getting a diagnosis, my (now ex, obviously) boyfriend, who also has ADHD, tried to convince me that I didn't have ADHD and didn't need to try to get a diagnosis, that the things I was struggling with were things everyone struggled with. Like, he literally spent most of our date talking me out of getting a diagnosis. And he had the nerve to be surprised when I left him. Also I did get diagnosed with ADHD (who would've thought that I know my own brain???)
Dr. K, I don’t have the words to express how validating this is. My entire life has been a struggle as far back as I can remember. Struggle. I continue to do my best to juggle all the things and expectations, but I really am exhausted with life. I appreciate being alive and having good physical health. However, emotionally/mentally, I’m tired.
"Women are expected to have an inborn ability to organize and maintain things in order." YES! I didn't get my diagnosis until I was 27. Until then, I thought I was just scatterbrained and sensitive, but very high achieving because I built so many systems to keep myself organized. I had no other choice. Women don't get the luxury of the benefit of the doubt. The ADHD "work twice as hard for even less results" hits us especially hard. I was married to a man who also had ADHD and people forgave him for much, much more of his symptoms than they did for me.
Edit: And from someone who survived it, thank you for addressing the higher stats of interpersonal violence for ADHD women.
My partner and I really went through it for a while because this was me. Eventually I made it clear that I'm not capable of being his brain for him, and he needs to come up with his own systems and handle his own shit.
@@andreamckenzie8598 women shouldn't have to be the brain for their male partners, even when neurodivergency isn't in the equation
@@clericoflight476 Damn fukkin right. I will say that for him, it was also a familial/cultural expectation that if you see someone struggling, you help no matter what. But turns out I don't come from the culture where you save someone from repeated personal problems they refuse to try to prevent, sooo....
@@clericoflight476 Exactly. I always refused to be the social reminder/ helper for my ex. If he didn't call his parents, I wouldn't remind him. They just didn't get called. If it took too long his mom would call me, lol. But that wasn't often so I wasn't bothered.
@@clericoflight476 Oh, 100%. It's an asinine expectation.
I like how angry he is, he’s really passionate about what he does and I wish we had more doctors that actually cared.
he said he spent months on this video 🥺
One thing that shocked me is how drawing in class was my way of coping with my ADHD through classes. It was wayyy easier to pay attention but none of my teachers understood that. Without it I would get anxious and struggle to pay attention
Yeah i doodled instead of taking notes lol :) also stabbed my eraser with my pencil and chewed on my hair... you know... the classic things...
I had a high school teacher grade me down for doodling in class. 35 years ago. I still remember that.
I did the exact same thing. Even at uni. I‘d fall asleep in the middle of a lecture if I wouldn‘t doodle on top of just sitting and listening.
Study notes are also better, frankly. (slaps) You can fit so many biological concepts in this doodle.
omg me too! i still do it at uni when i'm taking notes. i just doddle within borders of my pages so my notes won't get too messy
Stimulants don't help with years of trauma and self loathing. We are all distinctly aware that there is no easy solution. Just being validated means so much. Thank you Dr. K.
Tbh my amphetamine diagnosis kinda did help me with the self-loathing. Hard to hate yourself when you feel like you can do anything lol. Been working like this for almost 10 years tbh
@@kuro3552 amen! 💯💯💯💯💯💯
@FAD4LIFE94 yeah I had a similar experience! I hated myself because I felt 'lazy' and too unmotivated to do anything that I felt I wanted to do like art. My medication helped to get the ball rolling on that and out of a constant spiral into depression
@@poppovySame here. It's not perfect, but Adderall has drastically improved my overall mental health and mood simply because I don't spiral as often into the executive function despair pit. If I wanna do something, I do it. Maybe not right that second, but it does get done. I don't have to wait until people are coming over the day of to start cleaning the entire house-I can pick at it through the week. I do better at my job, which grants me the opportunity for raises, which increases my financial stability, which decreases my stress and improves my mood. I've learned to cope with the parts of myself that I can't change, and even love some of them because the biggest hurdles are shortened to a manageable jump.
Yeah, adderall and caffeine are way different experiences. Adderall itself can’t help with self-loathing, however if it’s a good fit it can make doing the work on the self-loathing easier.
Honestly, as a woman with ADHD, I've found that one of the most underrated things that's helped improve my life is connecting with other women with ADHD. After spending so long feeling like I'm constantly behind and failing with everything, talking to other women who just get it has been such a relief and made things so much easier to deal with.
I’ve never actually met another woman with ADHD so I had no idea of how different we were from men with ADHD. All I recognized was our similarities. After watching this I realized the only people who could sympathize with me are other women with ADHD and I immediately wished I was closer with other women to have found one. With my personality type being so logic based I’ve always found it difficult to connect with emotional people and other women tend to be more emotional than me in general. Since I have such a hard time understanding it I really struggled making other female friends. Do you happen to have any community recommendations for me?
This is actually so fucking real, I’ve only met two girl friends in my life that had adhd in my life and god they were genuinely one of the best parts of my life. I connected with them in ways I could never with my neurotypical friends or even other neurodivergent friends that didn’t have adhd. Them and my mom are genuinely the only ppl that I felt truly understood me.
@@madis7588 same here! I have a few friends with it too and we all rant about our experiences XD having people around me who understand is so important to me! I have no clue what I'd me without them🩷
I 10000% agree!! Whenever I’m feeling like I’m a piece of shit that should get fired from my job I talk to my female coworker who also has ADHD and she tells me all the ways she feels like a fuck up too! We get so much validation from each other in these conversations. It makes us feel less alone and helps ease the downward spiral of ADHD depression.
My female friends with adhd are always somewhere else just like I am with them as well because of my adhd. Out of sight out of mind is real! It makes it so hard to keep interactions and deepen friendships consistent 😮😅
What I'm hearing is the best treatment is for everyone else to treat women better ffs. Guy with ADHD here and man I see these expectations on women too much. They're just people they haven't inherited the responsibility of holding your world together just because they inherited 2 X's.
😂
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@Dagotur please enlighten us on what's funny about the comment
Thank you.
I could cry with how hard I felt it when you talked around the 20 min mark about the unrelenting judgement. It starts as a kid, your parents call you too sensitive, so dramatic, lazy, such a burden, etc. So you go out into the world as an adult trying to disprove all those labels and failing at every turn. I did not have kids and married someone who likes to cook. But even without those cognitive burdens I couldn’t remember birthdays, be on time, earn a lot of money, etc. So the message is I have no value as a human in society. Before diagnosis, after 20 years of trying and failing at adult womanhood, I was hopeless. Hardly anyone talks about this because the shame is so deep. Thank you for addressing it.
That’s the exact same thing that happened to me, I don’t know why he’s acting like it’s that much different.
You just have ADHD. And you happen to be a woman. What exactly changes there?
I have ADHD and autism and experienced the same thing. It’s really not that different.
@@WrottJackson You didn't listen. We have additional expectations. So do you. But ours are different.
@@dresdenvisage yes but that doesn’t change the ADHD.
What I’m trying to say is (with the way the video is titled) it makes it seem like ADHD is experienced differently by men and women rather than how ADHD plays a role in the two genders, you know? The expectations don’t change with the ADHD, they change with gender. ADHD is what affects someone’s ability to live up to those expectations.
I don’t know, that’s just the way I interpreted it.
@@WrottJackson Sounds like semantics. It is experienced differently. Did you watch the video, or just read the title and start replying to comments?
@@dresdenvisage I watched the video, I just might be dumb. Plus some other comments had me upset, completely unrelated.
My wife has ADHD. We've been together for 8 years. I just learned so much about her and the mistakes I'm making. Huge hugs for this video. Thank you soooo much. I have to go give her hugs and apologies.....
Thanks for being a good guy and hopefully not part of that 60%.
@@Arcticstar0absolutely never. I'm frustrated my comment could have implied that.
I'm one of those 50/50 that needs to take the next step to hello with organization and just making trips. I'm learning that when her emotions are high, she's still just trying to communicate and that I should be patient and let her get her thoughts out.
Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify
That's so precious ❤
W husband
Thank you for learning about her adhd. I have requested my husband and family look into it a bit but they're so adverse. Sometimes I feel so alone.
Thank you for being so considerate and empathetic
It is so refreshing to have a man outraged about the pressures women face. Most of the time it feels like a placid reference to the gendered expectations, and tehy're glossed over. Thank you for this very affirming video
My husband always asks me why I care what anyone thinks. He's super supportive and does more than his share, but I don't think he gets the societal expectations part. If someone visits and the house is messy, they're going to think about it as my failing. If birthdays get forgotten, that's on me. I'm so grateful I realized that I didn't want children. I still can't take care of myself, let alone another human.
Thats exactly how I feel about having kids. Its a shame that even this is not a solid choice for us, but more a result of not being able to take care of ourselves well enough
I have adhd, was raised in a very sexist country and still don’t give a damn about what other people think… I think this is more about personality than adhd
@@diplomatamaravilhosa2813 Aaaand we're back at the blaming the video talks about. "Personality", yeah. IMHO this depends a lot on how the judgment manifests. Like, I was totally able not to care what people thought at one of my jobs where there was some gossip about me and some patronizing. But couldn't take it in another job where people actually ostentatively ignored me, didn't answer me when I asked about a work problem, failed to give me messages from my boss, forgot to give me feedback that would have helped me improve my work, etc. etc. And no matter what I did (improved my work performance, openly discussed this with them etc.) they didn't change their behaviour or opinion. What people think about you can manifest in very different ways and some can be actively destructive.
Both me and my brother have ADHD and we both never really knew it. We are both pretty messy. When his room was messy, he was told "go clean your room". However when my room was messy, I was told "you disgusting pig how can you even be female". It was a running joke and the whole family (even the more distant ones) participated in it
Same! My brother's room is a mess and they might roll their eyes like "teenage boys are so gross". But if my room's a mess "Are you actually a girl? Look at other girl's rooms! How are you ever going to marry? Why can't you be normal?"
Wtf!!!!
ahaha- I literally have the same issue... my mom looks at my room and goes "Is this even a girl's room??" and just... berates me for not cleaning it etc, even though my brother is messier than me and he never cleans his room, which makes me have to clean it.
@@sadiyashahriar5648 they make you even clean his mess? Oh wow that's another level. Mine did it only occasionally when it wasn't 100% obvious who's mess it was
SAMEEE i would and still get so upset seeing the difference of expectations. notice how we all have brothers lol. i was supposed to shower more because i was a girl and clean more and do chores more. 'girls arent dirty' instead of getting help i was just supposed to be different with no one helping. fark off!
Women's responsibility for the household becomes particularly clear when it is said that men should "help" women in the household. This implies that household chores are women's work and men should graciously help with it. I think we should pay attention to the language here too. Men are not supposed to help, they are supposed to do their part.
yep, I'm starting to see (I'm 51, so this is "in comparison to my lived experience of adults' conversations from 1978-ish to the 2020s") more and more people "catch" it when they see someone mention a dad "babysitting" their child.
(my own mother, who counted herself as a feminist, used that one once with me circa 2002-ish or so... I told her "fathers don't babysit their children; they parent" and she realized immediately how she hadn't shed that bit of socialization and was mortified)
I see next to no one catch it when responsibility in relationships/family organization/housework is talked about as the man "helping."
(of course, I'm sure more and more people - a "group" that absolutely includes men - are no longer framing it that way... but it's still extremely deeply entrenched with that language, certainly within the Anglosphere and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume within most other language groups)
these stereotypes are also harmful to men, because it is often the case that men do 90% of the work at home, and it is assumed by default that women work more and men less, and men who work hard are not appreciated, and women who do nothing are exalted by society and given credit for them
@@rebeccaburnell9319 dads babysitting their own children so irks me... and I went on to marry one of them.
@@bluetank1111 So you didnt understand anything in the video... perhaps you are referring to most mens work in the home such as maintenance jobs etc... but those chores are occasional and not a daily expectation. That work should be appreciated, as should mans work at a job, but it doesnt compare to the endless, mindless stuff a woman is expected to keep organized at all times that ADHD makes so hard. A man with a broken leg will get compassion and not be expected to mow a lawn but society expects women to naturally ooze capability and nurturing which takes its toll.
I think it really just comes down to them not having an interest. At least this is what the men in my life have enlightened me to. They will "help" but they won't really take it upon themselves. It's too unappealing to be responsible for it.
The crippling self esteem issues are a huge part of why we are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse. We are raised to believe we are always at fault and we need to try harder. Next time you ask, "why didn't she leave him?" consider what she was raised to think was her problem to fix.
Or worse, that she deserves it somehow. Despite knowing objectively it’s false when it’s about someone else, when it was happening to me, I was very quick to buy into the “look what you made me do” of it all.
@@inkythinky Absolutely. My abusive ex, with untreated BPD and active meth addiction, was constantly glossing over his behaviors to focus on mine. He used to say that relationships are 50/50, and therefore I am 50% of the problem. I did try really hard to see what I was doing to cause him to treat me like that. I eventually concluded that my 50% contribution was that I hadn't left yet. So I fixed that. He did the same thing to the next person.
In that aspect, this is the perfect video to share with someone who thinks everything is her problem to fix.
Love that! @@dresdenvisage
People who say "why didn't she just leave?" Are ignorant to the very nature of domestic violence, and the additional complications that make some women more susceptible
"If you just try harder, these problems will go away" actually made me cry. I didn't get a diagnosis until I was 19 and was finally able to handle my own healthcare.
28:00 This isn't shocking to me after reading and hearing about men leaving women with serious medical issues vs women taking care of their men during illness. It's sad how many women are abandoned after decades of taking care of their men.
Everyone has struggles, but sometimes I feel like no one gets judged more harshly than women with ADHD who are also highly intelligent. People resent you because things come so easily for you when you are feeling motivated and get in the flow, and then they perceive you even more negatively when you are scattered, overwhelmed by competing priorities, and just cannot do what they want you to do.
I sailed through college without studying and with a high GPA. I almost always aced tests, but could never manage to do homework or write a paper without the mad adrenaline rush of a fast approaching deadline, then I would be irritable, stressed out, and absolutely useless for anything else during the mad scramble to get it done.
I would be told things like
"You just need to manage your time better".
"You are not living up to your potential".
"Nobody could do this thing faster or better than you if you wanted to, you just don't want to".
"You just don't care about anybody but yourself and what you feel like doing".
And worst of all - "you are a terrible parent".
Sometimes it wasn't even stated out loud, but the condemning looks said it all.
I didn't blame other people for judging me harshly because I felt like I deserved it. Just like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, "I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT".
Medication has helped, but it also increases the likelihood that I might hyperfocus on the wrong thing.
What has helped the most is finding people who understand, support me, and gently hold me accountable without making me feel like a hopelessly bad person.
@@jjohnston5406
I've been taking ADHD meds for three years already and, yeah, checks out I guess - hyperfocusing got worse. Way worse.
Only I wish the doctor would've told me that, plus the worsening of my emotional meltdowns, instead of me finding out through something as random as a RUclips comment. I thought I was slowly going literally INSANE
It's almost like he expected me to just deal with that somehow. Like, "surprise! Here's additional issues for you to juggle! Now buzz off"
The fact that we always get blamed for not doing things we earnestly want to do or are even trying to do feels like a knife being twisted around the heart.
Being told to try harder when you're already giving it your all sucks terribly.
I'm always feeling judged and it hurts most when it comes from my family members who know I have adhd, and I've even explained my symptoms. They keep acting like it's laziness and lack of motivation holding me back, and that I should simply try harder at things.
I relate to this a lot. Thank you.
A man should not be "helping out" with his own kids. Or with what THEY'RE going to eat every day. He needs to participate. A man is not a child to do chores.
Yea It’s more like both people helping out each other
@@FirstnameLastname-jd4uq because the ultimate reason of being with someone is to make life easier, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially... If you just occasionally help out and are not fully committed to making the other person's life easier, the way they surely do for you, then you're just a drain on them and should think deeply if you deserve to be in a relationship.
Its not “helping out” with your own child. Its parenting not “babysitting” or “helping”, PARENTING.
Yeah i never understood that, what uf the wife/mom get sick or is in hospital, does the man just let it all rot while mom is in recovery?
@@missauroraroseblairsays from my experience, that's exactly what happens in most of the cases. We even know that with older couples, if the husband dies first, the wife can live alone for years, but if the wife dies first, the husband usually dies as well within a year or two because he literally doesn't know how to take care of himself, including eating property, taking their meds, and making doctor appointments.
Death by a thousand cuts... that hit me so hard. It is so much worse when it is coming from your partner. Or your own mother.
this exactly
Oh so true! I have heard no end of shit from my mother my entire life on my cleaning abilities, the fact that I wasn't married for a long time and my weight (guess who has an eating disorder) and I have had enough.
My mom literally ruined my psyche bc of my inability to be organized and clean
My mother wrote my high school papers for me so I could graduate.
That explains why my mom hated me so much as a child! And why no one around me who knew her believed me. When she's old, she's going into the worst old folk's home money can buy.
Thank you for addressing the fact that so many of the issues for women with adhd stems from societal pressure. It’s frustrating to hear others tell someone they have “girl adhd” or “boy adhd,” when so much of it revolves around expectations
Genuinely i think that my agender identity saved me from what could've been a lot of problems. Every single time someone said "women should, girls should, you're a girl so you should" I just go "no i'm not a girl, you're wrong and stupid if you believe that lmao" and this stopped me from internalising a lot of things that would've given me problems
Love your pic lol
Exactly, it's the damaging sex roles placed upon us, not biology
Carrying the label of being "overly sensitive" for YEARS has destroyed my health especially now that im in my teen years and the stigma that comes with being an overly emotional teenage girl. You irritated me? Im crying. Im frustrated? Im crying. I get the smallest incentive that someone dislikes me? Crying. This has, to this day, impacted my self-esteem, relationships, friendships and my life on a day to day basis. I loathe my lack of emotional regulation, I loathe the judgement, i loathe my family's mockery, i hate my day to day life. This video definitely brought me some much needed validation. Especially the comments; seeing older women describe how i feel and stuff ive experienced has brought great comfort after being ostracized my while fucking life. Thank you Dr. K❤
This is so relatable, except I default to anger, and then when the guilt sets in, I cry.
At the bright side, you're able cry. I suppressed it to seem tough when I was a teen and it was very bad for my mental health, I had to relearn it later. I'm not trying to be like "I have it worse, you're ungrateful" or anything like that bullshit. Just saying it's actually good that you're connected to your emotions. There was I lot of things I didn't know was actually good and I would benefit from somebody saying me that they're good. Crying is one of them. Your relationship with yourself is more important than opinions of others. And your sensitivity is beautiful in it's own way.
25:40 i know this is shitty but theres something very therapeutic about watching a man having to give a bunch of qualifiers to his statement before he can even think about trying to get to the point to try and preemptively placate the type of dudes that assume any discussion about women's issues somehow takes away from men's struggles. Its exhausting to have to constantly list ten things that you're *not* saying before you can get to the one thing that you *are* saying every time a gendered issue is discussed because there's a bunch of dudes that just *have* to make everything about themselves. It exhausting having to constantly cater to them in a discussion that has nothing to do with them, it wastes so much time and is often effective at derailing a conversation completely.
@@pl8710 I agree
My thought exactly
A gendered issue is not a women’s issue, though.
@kikialeaki1850 gendered issue means focusing on one gender. In this case, women
@@bluon259 I’m well aware but they said “…every time a gendered issue…a bunch of dudes that just *have* to make everything about themselves.” The first half of their comment is fine but then they went general and then back to specific in the middle of the quoted sentence, and stayed specific until the end of their comment. Unless you make the case that Dr. K meant gendered = women’s when he said he has to preface on gendered topics, then what they said is just sorely inaccurate there.
I am a veterinarian. A literal doctor. High achieving. I struggle with cPTSD and symptoms VERY SIMILAR to ADHD. My psych says I likely have BPD EVEN WITH A FAMILY HISTORY OF ADHD because"I did fine in school". He won't assess me for it. It makes me so angry. Yeah sure I'm "fine" but I STRUGGLE WITH THIS EVEN AS A DOCTOR. I forget things. I constantly misplace things. I'm loud. My emotional regulation is terrible. My anxiety got treated and now suddenly I have executive dysfunction!! Every psych professional should have to watch this.
As someone who helps design veterinary software.... my goal is to get it as on-rails as possible to help out people like yourself (and me, too.)
@@dragontuttle3392 Can’t you just go to a private doctor and pay to be assessed? I’m not sure how that works in the US, but here in Europe you can just book and it’ll cost you like 60-100 euros for the assessment. Maybe book a short vacation to Greece and also go get an assessment
so many doctors try to slap the BPD diagnosis on women because they can no longer use the medical diagnosis of female hysteria 🙄 misogyny still clouds the judgement of doctors even today, just not as overtly
@@dragontuttle3392 I am writing my masters thesis on ADHD even with a personal history of ADHD, I can’t get treated for it! I have spent hours and hours reading about ADHD. I’ve watched TED talks. I’ve done so much research on the condition. I’m so informed on it but I literally go to a doctor and they tell me there is no way you could have ADHD because you are getting a higher education. That’s not even in the DSM-V for adult ADHD! So I am being denied treatment because of an old myth. Doctors need more training on ADHD. It’s DEVASTATING IN MOTHERS! Can you imagine how bad I feel when I forget that my son had a pajama party and I send him in regular clothes? He had an Olympics day and I sent him in khakis! I cried on the way home. I’m sure any psychiatrist would say oh that’s depression but you can only fail so many times before it breaks you!
@@abbieclement 60-100 in total?! Or just for a consultation to see if it's likely you have it?
"If you just apply yourself a little more, try a bit harder..." Heard that my whole life. "She's so smart I know she could do it if she just paid more attention." I could do it if I wasn't broken. That's how I've felt my whole life (in my 50s now and never diagnosed or treated). I feel like it's too late now. I have chronic incurable and debilitating multiple autoimmune diseases that are destroying my organs. There is no future for me. Just making it one more day, every day, waiting to die and be done. I hope others get diagnosed and treated so they don't struggle and suffer the way I did. I have spent my whole life feeling not that I have failed "as a woman"... But that I have failed as a person. I don't measure up to the other humans around me.
Me, too. Until I was diagnosed last year (I'm 54), I fully believed I was just broken. So, yes, a failure as a woman, a daughter, a friend, an employee, an employer, a girlfriend, and a teacher.
I have autoimmune issues, too, but not as bad as yours. I'm so sorry you're going thru all that. Sending a hug from a random internet person.
@@3dchick Thank you. It helps to be reminded that we're not entirely alone. Hugs back.
I'm only 38 but I also struggle with feeling that it's too late for me despite being diagnosed at 34. I have endometriosis and chronic fatigue issues so not only have I failed on the reproductive side, I also keep failing to contribute to society. But then again, isn't that another byproduct of being raised as women? We're told that we need to be useful as caregivers but there's no meta for when we're the ones needing the care. It's something I struggle with daily.
You havent failed... you are one of many of us that the system and our families failed. I also find it mind blowing that everyone watched me spiral downward for decades and didnt reach out to help or show compassion. I was only diagnosed at fifty and only by fluke as a doctor sent me to a psychiatrist for a second opinion over depression. Depression was only a side effect of a life of high expectations, being misunderstood and endless shame. Huge hugs to you!
To me it was "you're very smart, why do you sabotage yourself by procastinating, why don't you make more efforts, you could do great things in life!"
It didn't help that I was tested with a high IQ, everybody expected me to be a genius with an impressive career. Instead at 34 years old (by chance diagnosed with severe ADHD at 33) I can't keep any job more than a few months, I'm obese, broke and I absolutely hate myself. Medication helps a bit but I know I play life in hard mode.
As a man with ADHD dating a women with ADHD, this is a very helpful. I love my girlfriend and i want to understand her better. Thank you for making this video!
No accommodations!!!! I cried several times while watching this video. I didn't realize I had ADHD until I started doing research to help my son. Being a mom, and having the school expect so much from me is what makes me crack. I can't do it all I just can't. I struggle to sleep, but I have to wake up extra early to get everyone ready for school. I am late ALL the time. An ADHD mom trying to get an ADHD kid to put their shoes on and get out the door. Good glory trying to keep us all fed. The shame and judgement when I fall short, which is all the time. And I have it easier than most. A great partner who loves me, friends, family. Really the judgment and comments don't come from them. Just the societal expectations that I know I am not meeting. Sometimes I am the really fun mom. I go all out and deeply care about my kids. I advocate for them and their nerodiversity, I got the 504 plan in place. But somehow it feels like non of that matters because I can't get them to school on time, or put 3 meals on the table. I feel like I am fighting with everything I have to do really basic things and always falling short. I'm even good at the things. I LOVE to organize. I am great at cleaning. I'm a good cook. But I can't do all of it, all the time, every day. My focus is constantly shifting. One week I am cooking up a storm then I can't stand to the next. Also I am going along great and them BAM! get hit by bad brain days. Just can't. Just can't. lying there wishing I could. Even with medication, and a therapist, and the ADHD anti planner, and endless research. I am so lucky and blessed, and I love my different brain, but it is just really hard sometimes. I call mom the wizard because she can just do all of these things. I watch her get all of my laundry folded I have been collecting in baskets for a month and I don't even understand. Not that I won't eventually have a burst where I do it all in a few hours like it's a superpower. I can't even type a comment without my brain going all over. Ok I'm done. Thanks for this one Dr. K.
@@JB-my8ys thank you for sharing this. As a mom of three that struggles with everything that you stated, this made me cry
Good god this entire thing was so relatable. Sustaining all the things all the time is just impossible. Trying to learn to celebrate the small victories.
Thank you, it's like I wrote this comment myself, everything hit so close to home... you are not alone
Not diagnosed, but I resonate so VERY much with everything you said here!! I’m almost 50 and life has been hard, but NOTHING harder than being married to someone who didn’t get it. I have felt so much pain from myself just not being able to live up to expectations and then more and more of the same from him. No real friends to help me through it either.
I hope we all can get the help we need🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I'm a "twice exceptional" gifted kid ADHD woman. I have struggled all my life to meet the higher expectations put upon me . Because I look outwardly successful, no one understood that for me everything in life is JUST SO DAMNED HARD! I didn't get diagnosed until age 40 when I was so beyond exhausted I could no longer function.
Thank you for making this video and bringing forward all the additional struggles women with ADHD face.
Similar story here! I even had a psychiatrist at the local MH office tell me that I'm too "successful" to have ADHD because I have been able to work and am capable of getting good grades (after I'd just finished describing the dozens of jobs I've hopped between over decades of life, multiple failed attempts at completing a degree, difficulty maintaining friendships, inconsistent "adulting", etc, etc.). The gaslighting we face from society and ourselves is REAL.
Ohhh! I am literally going through the same process rn! I am currently 26, was a gifted kid growing up with ADHD and dyslexia. Because I got a high IQ score when I was young. I was put under so much pressure growing up. And now I am just so overwhelmed all the time.
These are literally the exact same struggles I’ve had for most of my life.
I’m a guy, I don’t know how any of this changes with gender. I experienced the same thing, having people call my autistic meltdowns just a “temper tantrum”, being expected to be organized, people getting upset when I forget things, etc.
I really don’t see the point of this video.
Its insane how many of us are saying the same thing. I hit such a bad burnout wall a few years ago (I'm 33) because I'm also gifted and anxiety/ADHD but didn't really find out the latter half until recently and I kept thinking I just wasn't trying hard enough or lazy and suffering such bad self-esteem because of it
@@Aatagawa25 That’s become one of my greatest fears over the years: being lazy. Or even being perceived as lazy. Or worse yet, being called lazy.
So then I bite off more than I can chew, get frustrated with my lack of significant progress halfway through then rush to get it done, delivering mediocre results at best and dog shit results at the worst.
Truly don't like the social expectations we have for women and men, it's almost like we forget that all of us are human, capable of being different and having different abilites and disadvantages...
This. Even as a kid I'd think how bizarre it is that we as a society seem to be so... anti-human?? Like we are not allowed to do or express anything that is human-like. Being too emotional, struggling with depression or anxiety, being neurodivergent, having a physical disability; It's like you aren't some perfect robot, there has to be something "wrong" with you, and you must be socially excluded. I just really don't get it.
And part of being human is failing. Also innovation following that failure but only machines are infallible.
I don’t like how society just expects everyone to not only “get it” but instantly be good at it.
@@fleurdelalune8745 I like the term you used, “anti-human”. We’re really expected to operate like mindless drones doing what we’re told to do.
@@WrottJackson Yes and it is so frustrating... I wonder all the time, how did we get here? And what would life be like if we weren't so afraid of ourselves? We'll probably never know.
@@fleurdelalune8745 Damn. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
The cognitive load of organizing is so freaken hard. Whether it's organizing the household, making apointments, getting groceries, keeping up with what the kids are doing in school, planning birthday parties, or just keeping myself and the kids on a routine, the mental load of it all is exhausting.
And then dealing with the motivation issues complicates things further.
@NotSoNormal1987 I feel this in my soul. I cried so many times during this video. Probably even more so because my husband sent it to me and has been really trying to learn and help me lately. 🥺
And then you complain about your struggle to someone who laughs and says planning a birthday party or store list is easy, and the shame kicks in so hard!
There are some parts I can handle. I can make lists, and then execute them - so handling the cognitive load of building the grocery list isn't too much of an issue. (Of course, I found an Excel template that has little checkboxes and you can customize it with your most commonly purchased items, and I have a mini whiteboard on the fridge to scribble down stuff as we run low on it, so there are additional systems at play to help me out.) Using the list -> execution format, I manage to somewhat keep my house from getting buried in piles of laundry and coated in ankle deep dust. And I enjoy cooking as a hobby, so I'm happy to make all our meals from scratch.
It's the dates and times and appointments that kill me. I'm time blind and dates have no meaning. I'm incredibly, incredibly grateful that my husband is a "numbers guy" and has cheerfully taken on the role of being the household calendar. He also does a lot of the emotional labor of organizing outings with friends and herding cats, something he also does for his department at work, relieving the women there from one of the invisible chores they're used to having (and they all love him for it. Someone ELSE organized the retirement party and they just have to show up with a card? Heck yeah!)
I'm constantly fatigued from it lol
This. Even though I DO love organizing adhd makes it difficult, I have to stand around and stare at everything before I can even begin to decide how to tackle it. Even if it already has a perfectly functioning system happening.
0:15 me? emotionsl disregulation? nooooo..... (i just got done sobbing breaking down because my dad keeps talking over me and chsnging topics when im talking)
FELT
like i dont like watching reaction videos for this reason BECAUSE THEYRE TALKING OVER THE VIDEO !!! and its hard to understand whats happening because they make the reaction videos turn into commentaries
@@thefluffyaj4119 this is me fr
My mom:
Meeee
(misunderstood a "wish my life was that easy" joke as a serious statement, had a meltdown that caused my last girlfriend to dump me while saying "whatever I had was no excuse to scream at her or cry like that" and that "her autistic little nephews won't even act like that")
Being neurodivergent is just. So fun
Hmmm, your dad, huh? I wonder which parent you inherited adhd from....
discovering r/ADHDwomen was really helpful for me. just seeing a community full of other women all going through the same things helped me realize my symptoms are not in fact character flaws. thank you for making this video, it’s important for us to feel seen
I have a female friend who was married when we attended college (she was already like 30, so I'm not talking about about someone who married at 18). I kinda sensed that she had to put her relationship somewhat aside during our program because the workload was intense. I also noticed that she's pretty scatterbrained, has trouble being on-time, and apparently her husband wanted kids while she wasn't ready yet. They ended up getting divorced by the time we graduated. A few years later she got diagnosed with ADHD. And listening to this episode just makes me feel even more that her ex was kinda unfair to her.
How is she today? Is she okay?
😢
Thank you, Dr. K. You've made me realize that I am not just a victim of ADHD, but I am also a victim of sexism so much that my ADHD won't even get talked about.
@@bluetank1111 Completely unrelated and very dismissive.
@@ay8528 this is important because feminists tend to build a one-sided narrative that women are the only victims of sexism, and men are the perpetrators and men always have it better and sometimes this will lead to pathology such as managing misandric "positive discrimination" in revenge
@@bluetank1111 psychopathy is not a diagnosis. That might explain why there’s not many women who have it diagnosed bro. 😂
@@ay8528womp womp
@@bluetank1111 "Yeah yeah female problems but more importantly, remember about me. ME. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME DON'T FORGET IT EVEN FOR A SECOND, MEN MATTER MORE THAN WOMEN"
I’ve justified it with “I work better under pressure”; I’m so tired of it 😔 I haven’t been diagnosed yet, I’m trying to and it’s hard to explain to doctors so they can refer me to the appropriate professional.
Oh my gosh: i say the same of myself
I remember this year I had a bio exam and I didn't study for it until the night before. I was under pressure and stayed up late for the exam and got a C+ in the end. I don't think it's bad for someone who studied at the last minute and suffers from ADHD.but to be honest I hate the feeling of pressure and anxiety it's makes me really tired
I am so exhausted of long nights trying to finish my work because I always plan to start early and end up procrastinating and working under so much pressure. I was very successful when younger, working under pressure worked, got good grades, I was a top performer, etc. Now that I am a mid-career professional and have little kids, it’s a struggle. I am an average performer and rarely shine; I feel guilty because I know I would be much more successful if I only “applied myself” if I was “disciplined”.
I had a broken sense of identity and I was also so nervous explaining this to doctors, but if you can I highly recommend going straight to a mental health clinic or even a practice that does psychiatry. They don't usually give you medicine right away or anything (usually they need to work with you first) but the diagnosis was so helpful. I basically went in telling them that I was wondering this but here were the 10 reasons that I didn't have ADHD, and then they were like: oh, no I think you were right about the adhd thing...
Don't hit the burnout wall. It sucks. I nearly worked myself into the ground quite literally, sending you the bestest of vibes
@@Aatagawa25just started doing this as well! truly going straight to a psychiatric/clinician helped better than going to the regular doctor because they felt more understanding! and i do feel like getting a diagnosis is helpful, but it’s also important for all of us to recognize that it’s the symptoms that really matter-which is why they don’t assign medicine right away and normally stick with therapy methods! i completely get you
This hit hard, I’m a 43yo woman with ADHD and autism. Didn’t get diagnosed with either until age 35 and 37. This has messed me up SO bad. I self medicated with snacks and candy, developed a binge eating disorder (free from that one now though) and have been morbidly obeese longer than I care to remember. The self hatred and shame is beyond crippling. My mental health caregivers respons to all this is a snarky ”Yeah, we don’t treat self esteem issues.” 🥺
Big hugs! Feel you, I’m late to the diagnosis party too.
Your honesty and vulnerability is profound. Unfortunately there are sooo many, dime-a-dozen, mere humans (often far more flawed than we) put in healthcare positions of power that have no business being there. Totally unfit, betraying of their oaths, ignorant, jaded, cynical, lacking empathy, temperament and qualification. Their stupidity isn’t yours to take on with internalized guilt as a result of their malpractice. As a fellow AuDHD woman not properly diagnosed until my 30’s, I see you and hear you and adore you. The way your neurodivergent trauma has manifested makes perfect sense. Know You’re not alone. I just impulsively binge ate a bunch of burgers and fries, etc. last night. Sending you hugs. I get you girl! ❤
I was just diagnosed at 27 after a decade of begging professionals to evaluate me. One of the biggest struggles I’ve faced is having them take my concerns seriously after being diagnosed with depression/anxiety/ptsd. There’s so much comorbidity there that they assume there’s nothing more, and after finally going out of my way to a neuropsychologist (which takes a lot of effort to plan) I’ve finally gotten the diagnosis I knew I should’ve had all this time. I’ve lost jobs due to my struggles, and I’d love to hear you speak to those kinds of situations as well. Thank you so much for covering this topic
I feel 'ya. I couldn't hold a job until I was medicated.
I’m struggling with this right now 🥲 I have family history of ADHD. I’m 20 and have been diagnosed with depression since I was 13, but after years and years of “treating the mood” I KNOW it’s not just depression/anxiety. It’s so frustrating to describe what I’m going through to my therapist and having it being diminished to just anxiety. I’m so frustrated and I feel so out of control of my life and it feels so dumb having to beg to be tested for ADHD, just so I could know for sure. This entire video really resonated with me and I hope to get tested soon lol.
@@dilfluvr_ holy shit im also 20 and recently just had my first therapy session mostly for anxiety and im hoping to get my therapist to dig deeper and actually assess me for adhd, in our first session she said she didnt think i had adhd but it wasnt until i told her "coffee and energy drinks never worked on me in fact i drink caffeine to calm me down" that she raised an eyebrow and said "okay we'll go back to the adhd" like omg??
@@cherrypopbaybe omggg good on you for advocating for urself im a proud stranger >:) i had to list down every symptom ive ever had in severe detail just for my therapist to finally tell me we’ll look into it more during our appt this friday. i remember when i was 15 my dad had brought up ADHD to my therapist because my grandmother has it. we were actually going through with testing to the point where my teachers were contacted, but the damn therapist stopped working at my hospital and my procrastinating ass never rlly brought it up again, mainly bc i kinda forgot after putting it off lmao. it’s so annoying how quickly they’ll write you off when you have a history of depression and/or anxiety, and it’s extra annoying considering after all of these sessions none of my therapists heard what i was saying and realized the root of why i was feeling depressed is because i felt like i was wasting my potential, probably due to ADHD. idkkk i just wanna know for sure bc i really want to get off these SSRIs and learn adhd coping skills if that’s what’s fr going on lol
@@dilfluvr_ omg i felt this so hard 😭 I have severe anxiety and a long history of it as well as a history of depression which is why my therapist initially didn’t think there could possibly be something else going on bc how is it that i cant do the things that i WANT to do, things that bring me JOY?? I cant do them because i cant get myself to start. I cant get myself to get off my ass. And it’s NOT anxiety because i’m not anxious about it. I’m FRUSTRATED. WHY CANT I JUST DO IT!!!?? And the whole “feeling like i’m wasting my potential/wasting my life” is so fucking real. Anyways i’m gonna bring all of these issues up with her (cuz it’s def so much more than this) on our next session where she promised me a self-assessment of adhd so hopefully it goes well 🙏
I was already suprised with the title of the video finally seeing a topic geared more towards women audience since its largely become male geared channel but the last minute message made me super glad you can see both sides even having to sit the men down who would get angry just for giving woman help. I guess its not doom and gloom for society
Right? I benefit a lot from this channel either way but i tuned in after a few months and was pleasantly surprised to see he's doing women now, really cool.
This whole video is me. I've NEVER been a homemaker for all the reasons he states in the video. I never had kids, and I think that has more to do with the autism I recently got a diagnosis for. I finally lucked out and have a man who actually IS a homemaker! He shops, does laundry, cooks, cleans... My job makes us the most money, so trad roles are completely reversed here, and you know what? We love it! Best relationship I've ever been in, but it certainly wasn't the first.
Same. I’m 42 no kids. Audadhd here! I feel really heard! This is the most comprehensive video that describes me to a T.
Omg I’d love a homemaker husband 😍
Yo, this is my dream. Literally.
@@richardf.6430 Good luck! And note that he had some bad habits to begin with, but he wanted to be with me and got therapy when I threatened to leave. Dealing with people is like antique shopping - even the best deal needs a little work (including yourself)!
That's so sweet! I'm so happy for both of you. ❤
I struggled with housework and beat myself up for it. I thought I am a genius, but I can't put my groceries away easily. I had an abusive marriage. My father and brother told me I needed to be a better wife. This helped me so much!
@@capricehutton1785 you're perfect and brilliant, they just don't understand you. Sorry you were made to feel like you were no good. I'm sure you did so much that they didn't recognize.
You’re incredibly capable and smart. We’re all different in some areas, I’m 100% POSITIVE you do things better that they don’t do
I thought i was airheaded which was weird for someone with my academic track record/iq.
Loved the book How to Keep house while Drowning. Yes much of it is practical advice, but the most value I got from it was the un-moralizing of household tasks and deconstructing that.
your father needed to be a better father and your brother needed to be a better brother too fr
oh also your partner needed to be a better, or, if "better" is a bar that's too high, at least a decent human being. all that ain't your fault, some might be also theirs-the way that you feel like this about yourself. you're enough, even just the way you are.
went to a psychotherapist at age 28 with depression and ed. a few weeks later was diagnosed with adhd and honestly my metnal health is so much better just from knowing
I love so much that he said he doesn't have an answer for how to help this. Like 4 easy steps or just sign up for my class. For me, it shows it's a real struggle and hardship. Also, I've been trying to figure it out on my own forever, and he's a professional, and he doesn't know either. So it's not that im stupid, lol! 30:32
coming from a woman with severe ADHD in the lowest point of her life, this couldn’t have come at a better time. thank you. thank you so much.
🫂 Sorry to hear that you're going through a lot
@@wayIess that means so much. 😩 thank you. 🫂
Sending love ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@annjepsen1621 sending it right back 🧡🧡🧡
ps. if that’s you in your photo, you’re gorgeous!
@@unfortunatelyiamsane Thank you so much (yes that's me in the pic). 😁
thank you..from the bottom of my heart. this was the single most nuanced video on adhd in women i've ever encountered. most therapists/doctors have no idea and they misdiagnose and steal time from the people who come to them for help. and they sincerely do not care (in my experience). so, thank you. this condition ruined all future prospects of career success and I'm, at 27, trying to fix the damage that has been done with poor therapy, unhelpful parents, a harsh system that kicks you out the second you dont perform to their selected metrics and bad relationships who had left me broken again and again. starting over when your brain has been already conditioned to believe for certain that you're a lazy failure that can do no good...is truly difficult.
Even after diagnosis it’s an important to keep advocating for yourself! High achieving women (you know, like doctors) in my experience have been even more judgmental. Instead of helping me they were like, appalled by me. Recently one still didn’t believe I needed medication. I said, “I no longer have the energy to function” and she replied, and I quote: “maybe this is just how you are.” Cool, thanks. I guess I’ll just go look for a spot under a bridge to sleep in for when I get fired instead of being able to refill my medication.
Big hug to you- you’re not alone. I hope you’ll find a great therapist specialised in woman adhd. I wish I did know Abt my adhd as I was 27. So from my perspective I still think you’ve got this. Go girl❤️
Im 27f too and this video has made me feel so seen. Always thought I was just lazy and self sabotager, literally couldn’t think about the future. Now I’m crying watching this video
@Julliettwarner you all think you have everything when you hear a term
I hope to encourage you by sharing that I didn’t land in a successful career until my 40s. It’s not too late. Yes, it’s a difficult road and a lot of unlearning but you can get there.
I’m not a woman but I’m glad those who’ve always had to struggle, get the chance to be seen and understood.
Thank you for your kindness and deep compassion.
❤ beautiful sentiment
Thank you! I think it's a hard thing to balance: Advocating for yourself against what experts/society/etc. say and try to be heard vs. not coming off as unreasonable or "extremely feminist". No one wants to put men or their experiences down (and those who do are a-holes) and it is important to take men seriously (especially regarding mental health, abuse etc.), but sometimes we need to say stuff like "you don't understand me" or "you're not like me" or "what you're going through is not what I am going through" and then be taken seriously.
It's not perfect yet, women still get underdiagnosed with basically anything that isn't migraine or stress and a lot of medication still isn't properly geared towards women (like how we still don't have proper treatment for female specific issues such as endometriosis)... and that is just the medical side, let alone what societal demands we still have to fulfil or be seen as failure. But I think we're slowly getting there... (if you ignore the trend of young women becoming more and more liberal, while young men are becoming more and more conservative.....hmm..)
Thank you 🩵
my adhd diagnosis did basically nothing for me when i got it as an adult but over time it has let me accept myself and the truly incredible amount of practice I have had at surviving this world alone. I have been strong since I was a child and that will only continue to serve me. It is not my responsibility to make other people comfortable with the amount of work I do and how hard I choose to work.
it almost makes me emotional to watch an entire well-thought out video just on adhd in women. everything hits home really hard as someone who didn’t get diagnosed until college and went through an incredibly deep depression that was HEAVILY influenced by my undiagnosed adhd symptoms. thank you
I live for when people make videos about ADHD in women ❤ makes me feel more seen
Soooo seen
Oh god you almost had me in tears at the end there.
It’s so hard not to blame myself for so much of what I consider failings. I did a short paper in my first year of college on this subject and of course I didn’t dive all that deeply for it but it was the first time I ever recognized that ADHD really wasn’t just a made up issue like some people think or something that isn’t as big a thing as it actually is. Even then I still struggle with feeling unworthy. I hope more research gets done on treatments and solutions about maintaining life. I was technically diagnosed at 7 or 8 because I was actually a hyperactive girl along with the inattentiveness, but around middle and high school I started to become more quiet and didn’t want to put myself out there as much because of bullying and the self esteem issues that were added on top of the ones that stem from ADHD. It wasn’t until 17 or 18 I started to really take my diagnoses for what it was and got another official diagnoses because at some point I didn’t like using my stimulants and stopped taking them entirely.
Nowadays I try to be kinder to myself, and I’m generally a happier person day to day because I can express myself more fully with my friends about my interests and generally excitement over things, but the emotions can get so overwhelming outside of those really good days.
Ladies, PLEASE start giving yourselves a little more grace. Do your best to adapt, make whatever accommodations you have to in order to be as effective and productive and happy with yourself in your day to day as possible when you need to.
Try not to let other people’s opinions of you make you feel less than because at the end of the day, you’re the only one who will always have to live with yourself. People come and go, but YOU are the one in control of your actions. Most of the time, of course.
One of us
One of us
One of us
One of us
One of us
One of us
One of us
One of us
FRR
❤❤❤
Late diagnosed, I was so optimistic when I heard the stats about efficacy of meds and other treatments for ADHD. Now I've pretty much given up trying to find a treatment that works, thinking yet again that the problem is me. I had no idea that the response stats for women were so different! Still frustrating, but a bittersweet bit of relief that it isn't something specifically wrong with ME.
Only hard excersize works for me. I don't mean the gym. I mean downhill mountain biking, freediving, rock climbing. It works, dopamine, regulation AND I'm good at it. The meds boost mediocre daily life, but they don't work on their own. Excersize and an extremely simplified life. Not easy.
@@m.bird.hello! Can you please expound a little more on a “simplified” life? Do you mean like minimalism or slow living?
@@m.bird.the only thing that works for me is marijuana. Helps with all my symptoms, Lack of appetite, anxiety, insomnia, inability to focus, irritability.
Im currently to taking a break because i have a respiratory virus, and ive never been so unproductive and addicted to my phone since before i started smoking. 😂 im definitely better when im high
Encountered this too. Hard exercise, strong routines, very good diet with minimal meds work best for me. Unfortunately I can no longer walk without crutches (serious permanent back injury) and everything has fallen apart. I can't rely on medication as it doesn't work for me. I keep being told suck it up, like HOW?! or I get sympathy which is nice but how do I manage? I can't figure it out and professionals are useless.
Psych meds are in a state of infancy. As is psychology, psychiatry in general. A very primitive state. We’re only 15 years from using penis envy as a reason for stuff
as an old single woman with adhd i feel the need go stare into the void while singing "what was I made for" to myself. So.....thanks i guess?
Ouch 😢 I can hear the song rn. Hope you're OK ❤
@@vawkwardbat thanks! I was having a sad :-/
😂❤
People weren’t made for anything, that’s a cultural idea and you should reject it. A better song to sing is “it’s a hard knock life”
From my experience from a 52 years life with adhd i would say, we with adhd are made for dangerous environments. o/
Woman with ADD diagnosed at almost 30 here - It was such a relief to be diagnosed after almost 30 years of constant struggles at school/uni, and constant negative judgment from the outside world resulting in low self-esteem issues. Raising awareness for women with ADHD is so important. thank you so MUCH doctor.
As a 55 yr old woman who just got diagnosed this week, I can confirm hearing "flakey" and "over sensitive" often while growing up. A lot of this video hit home, thanks for deciding to publish it. I look forward to seeing more on this topic as I continue this journey. Keep doin' what you're doin', Doc!
I'm male but I had a more female presentation of adhd. I was called spaced out and vague. As a teen my friends parents though I may have been on drugs. Only got diagnosed at 54.
so interesting
I think it's ADHD Jesse who talks a lot on Twitter and now RUclips about being a man with inattentive type ADHD. I definitely don't think I have that one. I'm a woman who thinks I'm quite hyperactive but idk. Depends on what the defining criteria are.
You probably have the inattentive type. It can present in both males and females.
People say women are under diagnosed but I know plenty of non-females getting overlooked because they're not presenting gendered enough on the ADHD.. 💀
Inattentive type is always underdiagnosed. Years ago there was also ADD term that was used to describe this type of simptoms, known by even less professionals of the period.
Just diagnosed at 36 and mom of two little boys. Motherhood pushed me to my breaking point. Im so thankful my husband has been so supportive! After diagnosis, he told me, “it makes so much sense”. He compliments me so well and I couldn’t be more grateful.
Edit: Oh my goodness! I commented before I heard the bit about judgement from other moms! YES!!!! I have cried my eyes out more times than I can count for feeling like a failure as a mom 😢
omg same, becoming a mom seemed to suddenly add all of these unexpected expectations. I love being a mom, but the judgement about every single decision you could possibly make is so exhausting.
I'll tell you what my partner tells me: you're doing great. the most important part about being a good mom is caring, and its obvious you care. your boys are probably super lucky to have a mom that is also interested in learning more about herself
@@Aatagawa25well done and well said
There needs to be cohorts for neurodivergent parents/kids where they can meet up others to befriend with
Becoming more successful at work and getting promoted broke me twice (burnout), I couldn't imagine throwing kids into the mix. I don't know how you moms do it, i'm always in awe.
@@Chantelle456 how old is ur boys now?
"crippling self-esteem issues". ha. Hahahaha. Yep. Didn't see this one mentionned before but it's the truest thing i've heard. Im better now as an adult, but I still struggle to stop the "beating myself up relentlessly" reflex that i've developped over the years.
Videos like these are so insightful. My wife has ADHD diagnosed since childhood and this helps me so much to understand how she feels, how to help her, how to make her feel better and make her life comfortable.
35:04 The video alone is already enough and I learned a lot today thanks to you. So thank you for investing all your time in this topic and share it with the world.
I'm an ADHD mum with a full time job and a toddler. I have so much brain fog I had a test to see if I was in early menopause. Nope. Just the worst ADHD symptoms I've had in my entire life. Work is thr worst, I was managing OK until I had a kid, now I can hear myself in meetings sounding very scattered and unintelligent. It sucks.
I learned recently that pregnancy actually changes your brain in physical ways. You should look into the research. You might literally have worse symptoms because of the ways your body changed.
Ooh atomicladies, my heart goes out to you .... Being a mum with ADHD is very hard .... In a perfect world we would screen mothers to be for ADHD so we could support them better during those first years .... Tough times
Look into carnivore diet, healed my brain fog, I also read out loud 15 minutes, helps to form your thoughts logically, still have adhd symptoms but cognitive functioning is much better
A lot of women also experience the issue that when they take stimulants like Adderrall or Concerta, how well it works varies depending on your menstrual cycle phase. For a lot of people it stops working as well the week before your period, which sucks even more! There isn't much research on it I think because these hormonal interactions aren't well researched? Would love to hear your opinion on this area too!
Id argue it’s pretty straight forward…it’s the dopamine/estrogen interaction, specifically the decreased estrogen. But it doesn’t seem like there is much interest in finding a solution that works best for female humans
Hormones play a huge role more research is needed and medications modified
I'm 37 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 32. And this video is basically about me. All of it
Same age of diagnosis here. My sister got her dx at the same age, 2.5 years after me. Our mom got diagnosed a year after that at age 61!
Same! Got diagnosed at 30 finally. I went my entire life thinking I was just dumber than everyone around me. It was exhausting
8:02 This is my childhood. My parents thought I was a bit or a crybaby and shy (I was selectively mute) so my Dad put me in drama classes. It didn't make me less shy, or help my self-esteem, it just taught me to mask better.
27:00 I know this is not really the greatest of comparisons but, I can't help but think of the high percentage of men who leave their wives after a cancer diagnosis, versus the other way around.
YUP especially the part about stimulant meds not being enough! I have told my psych so many times i’m so grateful to be on meds and they’ve made my life so much better, but they’ve only really helped my ANXIETY!!!! They chill me out and have almost completely stopped my panic attacks, but not fixed my adhd symptoms (disorganization, forgetting stuff, being late to everything, bad at communicating, prioritizing, knowing what steps to take to do a thing etc.)
They won’t fix anything other than your anxiety you need adhd coaching to help address other issues
Not gonna lie, this video made me cry. I'm 27, and I got diagnosed a couple of months ago. I went to private psychologists to get the diagnosis and when i got it, i went to talk to the public psychiatrist and i sensed that the psychiatrist wasn't up to date with adhd and he tried to scare me away about starting medication to have the combined therapy. He said to me some myths about adhd but in the end, we started with stimulants bc i told him how adhd affected me in my job. But it felt like i was begging him to have the treatment i need bc I'm fairly "functional". Watching this video, acknowledging all the struggles I've had, made me think, once again, how difficult it is to live as a woman and, moreover, a woman with adhd and that made me cry bc it is just unfair...
Enjoy deveIoping long term health side effects of stimuIants. As someone diagnosed and medicated, its totally not worth it, but hey thats a probIem for 10 years from now, right :)
@momoaa I'm sorry that was your experience. I'm not sure if you're still taking medication, but I hope you could talk to your doctor about those side effects and find solutions or alternatives for it. I understand that the adhd medication I'm taking can give me side effects, but right now, for me it's working fine, and if I have side effects, I'll talk to my doctor about it. I wanted to start with meds bc i already was going to therapy, and it felt not enough, i was still struggling with studying and keeping habits. What I don't understand is your passive-aggressive comment... you could have said a constructive comment explaining your experience that may help others, but you opted not to. Hope you have good luck with your situation if that's what you need. 🍀
@@aj_3106 Its just sad to people think they got a win by pressuring their doctor into prescribing them stimulants. Im not surprised its working fine, in fact id be surprised if it wasnt, but the long term effects of stimulants such as neurotoxicity that is terrible for your brain health and will affect your cognition long term, heart and blood pressure issues are undeniable. Then there are immediate common side effects that you will pretend not to notice or blame on preexisting mental problems, like high levels of irritability and mood swings.
If you were born 50 years ago you would be thinking cigarettes were the solution to your problem, that doesnt mean its true. Sorry for the passive aggressiveness, its just sadness/frustration to see the normalization of people destroying their bodies to be better functioning worker bees in the short term, and by the time you notice it, it will be too late. Good luck to you as well.
@@momoaa some people genuinely need the chemical help because we quite literally cannot focus or get our ideas or thoughts to merge into one line versus an all for all freeway and some of us quite literally cannot function properly in the eye of the public without these things I'm talking about like losing jobs not being able to hold down relationships have your children taken from you type of things because if you have a mental health disorder and you have children and you're not actively going and getting medicated for it that can be considered medical neglect and depending on where you live they can take your children for it depending on how severe what you're neglecting is
@@cheyennelevi5910 ive been there, my stimulant is the only thing that gets me through the day without being incredibly sluggish, completely out of it unfocused dazed and confused, and anxiety so bad it leaves me agoraphobic. After ~10 years, its still the same, only im 2x less functional on meds, basically at my old baseline when im medicated, and absolutely need addy to not sleep 12-16 hours a day and be a complete zombie the rest of the time, with my cardiovascular health suffering the consequences way too much to be able to just bump up the dose and forget about it. Havent ever been able to ge through school or work, but its only gotten much worse, with my last job ending in a fent addiction that almost killed me multiple times.
This isnt the solution to a chemical imbalance, (well it is, i cant deny the effectiveness of the medication, in fact its so effective literally anyone can benefit from it. every single brain on the planet earth is wired for dopamine which stimulants provide in spades) its about slowly ruining your brain and heart health until you are a shell of a person kept in limbo by doing stimuIants every day. It is short sighted and ill advised. This isnt even getting into the acute side effects like the intense irritability and mood swings, particularly when the medication wears off. I know several doctors and therapists that are adhd, and not a single one who is medicated for it. Weird that the people perscribing these things arent down to use their own bodies as guinea pigs to me, but what do i know im just a silly person on the internet :)
oh man. oh man. im 10 minutes in and already making so many connections and feeling so seen… when dr k mentioned low self esteem and eating disorders being common manifestations of undiagnosed adhd in women i just started crying.
i didnt get diagnosed til 21, but as a blonde i got a lot of “blonde moment” jokes as a child, to the point i started to doubt my own intelligence, and i dealt with disordered eating for years. i remember feeling like i was “faking” my eating disorder & it was something i “chose,” like i just needed some “reason” to justify why i was suffering so inexplicably despite not being depressed or anxious. so many things slotted into place after my diagnosis 😭
lazy & procrastinator became personality traits i just thought were a part of me.
I never had an eating disorder... well maybe I do... I'm addicted to sugar and carbs, not restricting food. Emotional eating I guess.
But anyway I relate to what you said about feeling like you were "choosing" your disorder. My feelings were real but somehow I was made to feel like my symptoms of depression and anxiety were a choice, I was choosing to be "mad" or "mopey" or I just "had a chip on my shoulder for no reason", an "attitude". When I cried, my tears were called "crocodile tears". I felt so ashamed of my own emotions, and questioned if I really was the manipulator everyone told me I was.
It's SO fucked up.
oh my god i am so sorry, i hate the casual misogyny people throw at girls and women for just being women. my mother dyes her hair blonde - shes the smartest, strongest person i know, and yet her husband (a useless manchild) dared to joke about how stupid blond women are. and she laughed at it.
ik its hard but i hope you get rid of those internalized beliefs - people who say this shit don't deserve to have their opinions count lmfao. you are strong and i wish the best for u
As a woman with ADHD, this is now one of my favorite videos on the internet. I’ve watched it 3x and am sharing it with other people who could benefit from this information.
Thank you for covering this and bringing awareness to what ADHD looks like in women. As a doctotal clinical psychology student and a woman with ADHD, it breaks my heart every time I read studies about it. It's like looking in a mirror and seeing middle school me who struggled so much with self-esteem ane relationships and never got help for it. Hopefully in a few years I can add to the growing pool of literature on girls with ADHD and how we can diagnose and get them support early on!
I'm actually crying. I didn't know i needed this. These are answers I've been trying so hard to find for years. I've always thought that something was wrong with me. You have no idea how much i needed to hear all of this, especially the ending. Thank you for giving me a starting point when so many therapists couldn't even give me a diagnosis. My last one was the first to say something and she only said "you seem to have some ADHD symptoms". It wasn't even a full diagnosis. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. This helped heal even a little of my lifetime of trauma, struggles, and pain. Thank you.
If you have adhd symptoms you have a diagnosis of adhd
This video really got me appreciating my mother so much for managing to keep it together whilst dragging 3 kids along, and exhibiting ALL the symptoms without any help.
I’m going to buy her a gift just to show my love.
37:14 For a moment, I wasn't watching an HG video. That was Dr. K talking directly to me. I've never felt more seen in my life. I'm really amazed and so incredibly grateful for all the effort it took to build this level of understanding. Thank you, Dr. K and HG 💚 You've sparked a lot of hope for the future
@@Koolit13 me too, I started crying
Same! I really felt validated, understood and seen. 💗
I cried while watching this, everything was spot on.
OMG the part about the cognitive responsibility really got me. At first I thought... my hubby goes to the store more than I do. But then I realized, Oh Yeah. He has ME text him the LIST that I MADE, based on what I had to PLAN for the family to eat this week. He NEVER in 30+ years has EVER planned meals for us. The most he's ever done is decide to BBQ some meat. Not even plan side dishes. He just assumes that sides will magically appear cuz.... And they do. Because I make that happen. Same for house cleaning. He will do this or that once in awhile but I do 99%. He's never sent a Birthday or Christmas card, not even to his own family members. I do that. I take care of everyone when they're sick. I even make Dr. appointments for him because he asks me to since he can't be bothered to do it. There are a million and one things I have to do. Even making sure the car tires are full and the oil changed and mowing the lawn, etc. He does provide financially. But the rest has never been anywhere even close to 50/50. And honestly, I didn't even really question that until the internet came along and I was able to see from comments how others live. I grew up with so much abuse that I was just glad to have a husband who was employed and didn't beat me or do drugs or drink. My bar was set pretty damn low.
It makes me so mad that women put themselves in those positions and accept this kind of treatment. I'm truly sorry. It's infuriating that men think this is normal. Never feel bad for saying no and expect more than just someone who doesn't harm you. Neglect is pretty freaking bad too.
Sometimes the bar is so low they just gotta roll over it is such a mood. 💀
Do you work as well? He is pretty much your baby. Does he acknowledge your domestic work?
I have nightmares about having a husband like you just described. I would never want to do that to myself.
Do you think about leaving him?
@@KD-ou2npits difficult to. She got used to being part of that system she created. She is going to feel guilty if she breaks free and enjoys life.
17:06 That speaks to me soooo much! I have two younger brothers and the expectations our parents had for us girls and the boys from all angles are worlds apart. Things we learned to do before a certain age, they are incapable or don't want to do them. We (the girls) are expected to be organised, good at school..etc and we turned out like this in a way, but once i was in my own i noticed just how i was putting on a mask i thought was me. I was definitely not an organised person, it was hard for me to do laundry on time, being in class and trying so hard to stay focused, doing work on time, it was all harder than when i was home.
I could cry listening to this video. I never post comments but I feel like I need to now. This video is so helpful. Coincidentally the person under my comment is saying the same thing about wanting to cry. Thank you for being so passionately about this.
"Diagnostic criteria was done exlusevily for boys" - oh, I felt that. I was lucky and get diagnosed with inattentive type in 31, several months ago. I was looking for diagnosis after Dr. Ks video about ADHD that I accidently stumbled on RUclips) And it hits me hard. But doctors where I live are not so professional and some of them made their judgement soley on this interviews. There was like "Are you losing your things often?" And I was like "No" thinking "after habit-through-anxiety where I don't wanna be called forgetful again and feel emotionally bad after (you are _girl_) so I triple check everything ever since". Same for conversation, interrupting and many other things.
And beacuse of ADHD (now I get it) I never wanted relashionships bc maintain my own human existence is heavy enough already, and somehow always knew that I couldn't lift someone's expectations, at least for now.
Thanks again Dr. K for bringing this problem up! (and many others as well)
I feel you! I've just had my ADHD misdiagnosed as "anxiety" because the psychologist was prejudiced. My anxiety levels are usually mild at best. I even had wild results from the ADHD tests like 83rd precentile without distractions but 2nd percentile with distractions.
@@Asharra12 Yeaah, I undestand, been there too!
During life I worked out some of women and life expectations and don't experience thant much anxiety as in my 20s for expamle. But one of the doctors also diagnose me with severe(???) anxiety olny because I miss one point by this adhd interview (and more likely I had bad brain day, bc other day I made to criteria with another doctor. Hormones says hi, yeah).
Plz Dr.k talk more about women problems that makes me understand myself more
DEF THE BEST Thanks! Dr.K.
You brought me to tears today. It ain't easy being ADHD and old 🧓🏻🧓🏻🧓🏻and ♀️♀️♀️♀️
hugs!
@@pearlsoreda1230 thank you,
As a teen in high school (15yrs) who struggles in school less than others with ADHD, I still struggle with things like memorization, test anxiety and disorganization that with some impulsivity, small things can crack me. It's odd being called the "smart kid" despite me spending hours on things others take 40-ish minutes on but getting the same result anyway. I can't stay still in classes, my leg bounces and I spend most time drawing on the papers than doing the actual work. I mostly struggle with emotional numbness and some emotional regulation, along with having a focused work flow without feeling like I can't do it by the due date and instead procrastinating out of anxiety, so thanks for speaking out for people like me. I'm undiagnosed but I've never been considered or acknowledged for having ADHD or other mental problem symptoms like my brother since I'm not always outwards with it and I'm more mature with my emotions. The blame on my hormones for other things has gone so bad I gaslight myself if me wondering if I have ADHD is selfish or not...
This acknowledgement of struggles to stay above water... Thank you Dr.K, you have no idea how painful and kind is to be (even through the video) seen and heard. 🙏
Was wondering when Dr. K will tackle this subject and I pressed play immediately when I saw the notification
This is exactly me, from the little girl who could sit still in my seat but never focus on schoolwork to being 32 and struggling with time management so much it hurts (I just get told i need it but not HOW to do it) and planning and hating myself for not being able to get a real job. Can't even get a diagnosis officially since there's only one doctor in the area who administers them now and my prescriber says she probably won't even see me if she hears I've managed to finish school and get a master's degree also, when I had to stay up for three days to finish my ma portfolio because it was the last minute and how the stress and anxiety of not getting my brain to work burnt me out and I don't go network since I had to do coursework so it damaged career prospects. Sure I could stay in school, but that doesn't mean i haven't struggled my whole life and it hasn't impacted my social and professional life
This is also exactly me and I’m a guy.
You just described me even same age, i'm crying listening to drK and reading comments, might delete later i just feel so seen rn T-T
I was such a procrastinator, like, until a due date was looming, I always felt weird about starting things early so I never did, no matter how many times I said I wasn't going to do it this time.
@lainiwakura1776 literally same this comment section and the replies here are just so relatable I don't know if I also have ADHD because I've never been diagnosed and I have friends who have been and I relate to them In a way too and this video and comment section makes me wonder again if I have it(since I have wandered about that before too but I usually get dismissed If I try to bring it up so I just stopped communicating my concerns but I'm glad I can relate here)
Also I do remember not being able to pay attention in class since I was a child and I remember how when I was like 7 or smth I'd rather make paper airplanes and craft things in class and my things also being all around my space in the classroom and getting in trouble for that and also not being able to get a lot of the subjects for which I also got a lot of trauma from my parents and school I honestly don't know if that counts but I wanted to share
There was also a time where I was crying to my parents how I don't like my current school and they took that as I want to move schools😭
This was so validating it brought tears to my eyes. I have lived my whole life feeling inadequate and like I can never keep up with anyone else.
Dr. K just recapped my teens. I was called airhead and spacey a lot. Bad grades unless I was interested. Just diagnosed with adhd last month. I’m 45. So much makes more sense now. Thank you for making this content!
I always watch Dr. K's videos, and I know to wait until the end so he can give some points of advice. I was trying to hold back my tears throughout the whole video because I relate to every single thing said (except for being a mom, I'm not there yet!). I always get surprised by how accurate, or more specifically, how textbook, my symptoms are. Then he says, "And this is where I'm sad to say there is no easy answer to this, and not only that, but the answers we have don’t work well for women either."
So that basically destroyed me.
A whole field researching ADHD for so long, only to recently realize that we have been leaving out a huge portion of patients with outdated or non-female-specific traits. And now that we are just starting to address this, we're not that far along either. It’s devastating. I’ve always felt invisible to the world, like a bad person, just defective. And I know this is literally what Dr. K is trying to explain to us, that we are not, but I can't help feeling like I was right all along: I am invisible. My heart hurts so much for all of us, girls.
Big hugs to you ❤
It's incredibly overdue, but I'm hopeful that all those folks who once felt invisible can now change the playing field.
Same. It's like being told yeah you were actually messed up and will always be. It's like there's no point in trying anything at all
I felt the same
As a women with ADHD I got my diagnosis at 27. The combination of a high IQ and being a women made it really difficult to get the diagnosis. Now I have my diagnosis and I'm on medication which is helping me a lot and i'm also in therapy. But finding material to learn more about ADHD in women as an adult is very difficult. There haven't been made that many studies, most of the advice and help material I can find is for children and men with ADHD. I am so glad that you decided to make this video, it's hard to try to explain to people that having ADHD in it self can give you disadvantages in life but being a women with ADHD adds to the difficulty level.
My diagnosis was completely life changing at 38. Clinical depression, anxiety disorder, lifelong addictions were all healed within months of starting treatment. I wish more ppl esp women knew about this. Thank u for speaking on it
What are you taking?
@@ellekay852adderall. Only amphetamines would make someone this positive in a month. Didn’t last long for me tho so beware I guess lol
WOW! That last 5minutes did so much for me- to simply be “validated” & “seen” and “recognized” that there IS an issue and a stark difference when it comes to gender and the medical data bias around this topic and the other complexities. 3 years ago I was desperate to have a label/diagnosis (anything) to make sense of it… masking in a totally toxic relationship felt like death literally- and then started that long haul journey of the self work, trying to “educate” medical professionals on the data bias for females… and then slowly deleting all toxicity externally and internally… a process. So THANK YOU for investing the months to release this video. You are appreciated( and your team) EU new fan!
I was recently diagnosed in my 30s, and everything you've said here rang true. I especially respect and appreciate at the end when you admit that there is no simple answer or fix. Managing my symptoms has been a huge challenge. The monthly hormonal changes cause intense brainfog/worsening of ADHD symptoms and mood shifts to the point where I thought I had bipolar disorder for a while before my diagnosis. Things are managed better now but it was rough for a while.
Additionally, thank you for speaking about women's issues to your (I assume) largely male audience so eloquently. I have to admit, when I saw "gamer" in your tag I was afraid I might eventually see misogynistic content on your channel. I'm a gamer as well, but the gaming community can be very toxic towards women. It feels weird to say "thanks for not being shitty", but the bar is low these days, lol.
And when you hit perimenopause it happens all again
I'm a man but this entire experience is very relatable. When I was a kid one bad experience of getting yelled at for not paying attention and talking with others scared me and after I was always so afraid of getting in trouble, so I stayed very quiet and still(only stimming rlly). I struggled making friends and understanding how everyone else does it so easy. It really is the worse, I stopped wanting to go to school third grade and became very depressed in 4th grade. I still struggle at work opening up and not masking all the time. I find a part of my brain thinks staying quiet and not connecting with other people is the best and safest option, but I really don't want that people are fascinating and hope to get to know many people whom I can call friends in my life.
My brother got diagnosed at 5. I figured out I had it and went in to get diagnosed at 42. I know his was easier to spot because he couldn’t sit still, and I could, but it still hurts that I didn’t know what was going on with me for decades and that most of my life has passed me by.
As a husband of a woman with ADHD this was extremely eye-opening. I've been very supportive and tend to be the more organized and timely one in the relationship. I never thought ADHD was at play here. Thanks Dr. K, even if we don't have an action play yet, the knowledge and facts alone are the first step to helping these women feel more confident and supported.
I started sobbing realizing so many of my “failures” are contextualized by an adhd diagnosis. Completely explaining so many of my struggles and experiences actually had a reason. Frankly preventable if I just had support instead of just being called lazy or emotional. Even in relationships, self esteem, mental health, intimate partner violence, organizational, academic performance, pretty much everything the video explains just connected so many dots for me. It just makes me wish I could have had some sort of help or realized this sooner instead of being dismissed my whole life and maybe things would have been different for me
At 37:00 And it also manifests as: perfectionism, impulsiveness,
chronic 'vague ' illnesses,
shame, and excessive people-pleasing.
(Plus the anxiety)
Hello fellow bad women 😊
Hi 🤗
🤣Watch us make glory out of it, in every moment in which it's not debilitating, cause that's what we are very much trained veterans at
Hey
Hi
How do you do, fellow cool kids?
trust me bro, no woman just 'forgets' about condoms.
the tendency of adhders to people-please just makes it easier for shitty dudes to pressure them into doing it without.
Not just dudes, everyone around me insisted that the issue with condoms is just an excuse because I was on the pill. I was told years later that the pill tends to fail in women with ADHD, which explains why it didn't work as advertised.
@@v3ru586 Does it fail because of some hormonal issue or does it fail because relying on a form of birth control that requires the woman to remember to take a pill at the exact same time everyday is a terrible idea for a woman with ADHD?
@@Aristochronic I guess it's the second one. The gyno didn't have an explanation, it's just something he noticed with his patients, the psychiatrist claims she doesn't know enough about gynaecology to know if it's even an issue.
"forgetting" about the condom DOES happen to women though, due to the impulsivity issue ADHD brings. That impulsivity is heightened in a state of emotional (and literal) arousal. Happened to my best friend. Her unplanned daughter will be 8 this year.
What an insanely absolutist statement. NO woman has EVER forgotten? Alright bud
This is so interesting. Also the explanation why ADHD becomes much worse in puberty. I recently looked at my school grades from back in the day. They had a significant dip during puberty. I had good grades before and loved school because it was so much input and a different subject every hour.
Being misdiagnosed with anxiety and put on an SSRI that further distanced me from my self and my emotions is seriously my villain origin story. I’m now off of it, taking adderall several days a week, and more confident than ever. I know who I am and I can connect with myself again. Can’t explain the emotional significance of a misdiagnosis
I’ve never felt so validated before. I’m constantly beating myself up over all of these things that I feel. To know this is a legitimate condition gives me reassurance that it’s not my fault. At least now I have a starting point for getting my life back on track.
30-something ADHD woman here! I thought I would grow out of my emotional, angry, upsetting outbursts as a child, these were emotions I can mature from. I flew by school with as high grades as possible (to be a perfect daughter). Going into adulthood alone I thought I would make it! Be independent, have a job I love, chasing dopamine hit after dopamine hit of doing ALL of my hobbies. But after so many years of falling behind of my peers, losing the motivation to make art, and constant failed relationships, I'm just so tired. I'm finally at a point where I'm properly diagnosed, and in a place with a caring support system. It's still hard to accept that I need help and that this world was not made to accommodate me. It is OK to ask for help!!
First, kudos to Dr. K. For lack of gatekeeping, it’s SO appreciated. Second, on top of all the valid points you make here, peri-menopause starts around age 45 and menopause around age 50, which is a huge loss of cognitive functioning for women who are in their prime working careers, mature marriages, and caregiving for elders as well as any children still at home. I’m 60 and just this last year started to suspect ADHD. It’s taken over 9 months of experimenting with Hormone Replacement Treatments but we’ve finally found a combination that seems to be making a drastic change in all aspects of my life, but especially with focus, task initiating and finishing, and many other ADHD symptoms. I wish I’d gotten my hormones tested in my 30s. Lastly, can you at some point discuss childhood trauma vs. or in conjunction with ADHD, there seem to be a lot of similarities. Very helpful video, as usual…THANKS.
Kia Ora Sister! HRT helped. But my brain has lost its motivation and initiation switches.
I love your channel. I'm late diagnosed autistic (with a bunch of comorbidities like adhd) and have had a lot of medical trauma, especially with psychiatrists. I feel like watching you is healing that. Thank you! :)
Thank you so much for making this video! As a woman with adhd, it sheds so much light on things
Thank you so much for this. Diagnosed at 29. I’ve told others (men) and they start the “mine is worse than yours” and “well as a kid did you have this IEP”… I just let them have it. It’s not worth explaining how that completely dismisses my issues.
Not all men. Some men. But the voices stay in my head.
omg the "mine is worse than yours" thing is so infuriating. Just because it seems worse to you doesn't mean I don't have real struggles, ugh.
@@Aatagawa25 Completely agree! Especially because we’ve been finding ways to deal and cope for X amount of years to seem “put together” while not knowing “what’s wrong”. All without the traditional support that comes with an early diagnosis.
@@Chsbobcat1I was undiagnosed until 17 I don’t know what this magic “deal and cope” stuff is. I just fail. Meds worked for a while but now I just fail again. Maybe you’re just better than me? Since I can’t even seem to “cope and deal” being diagnosed and prescribed medicine. Maybe I’m just not applying myself? Maybe I’m just stupid? Maybe I’m just actually retarded? Maybe I just suck?
@@Dagotur based on your other comments here, I’m not 100% you’re aim, but I’m going to answer like I would have had I not seen your other comments:
Therapy helps a lot with the “I just fail” feelings. Especially if you find someone that can relate to your experiences on some level. Also just because I was able to “deal with it” doesn’t make me better than you at all. Just different. We all have things we’re good at and things we’re not, and that’s ok.
When I started thinking I had ADHD and was looking into getting a diagnosis, my (now ex, obviously) boyfriend, who also has ADHD, tried to convince me that I didn't have ADHD and didn't need to try to get a diagnosis, that the things I was struggling with were things everyone struggled with. Like, he literally spent most of our date talking me out of getting a diagnosis. And he had the nerve to be surprised when I left him. Also I did get diagnosed with ADHD (who would've thought that I know my own brain???)
Dr. K, I don’t have the words to express how validating this is. My entire life has been a struggle as far back as I can remember. Struggle. I continue to do my best to juggle all the things and expectations, but I really am exhausted with life. I appreciate being alive and having good physical health. However, emotionally/mentally, I’m tired.