This has opened my eyes to my own issues with compulsory heterosexuality, I have recently have identified as a bi flexible, but i have realized that a lot of my internalized homophobia is tied to that fact that I want to have a family and it’s easier and expected to have a family with someone who is male or has a penis, and these feeling of not wanting to have a serious relationship with a woman cuz if it ends up in marriage starting a family is more different than what has been presented to me through compulsory heteronormativity. Thank you for that. 🙏
There is so much good insight in this post, good work! I'm glad this video was able to continue on your way to understanding yourself and your identity.
I remember as a kid/teen I used to think that getting in a relationship and getting married was some kind of requirement for being an adult, and that I was just going to *have* to do it at some point because *everybody* does, right? So I really dreaded "having" to do it. It's kind of amusing to me to look back on my past ideas because oh my gosh noooo, there's no final exam to become an adult where you have to be in a relationship to pass it 😄 You can literally live your life however you want, that's kinda the point. Some people will think it's weird, but that's their problem.
As a gay woman and a therapist myself, I always felt that we have too many labels in our community, especially in the lesbian community. Femme, lipstick, butch, top, pillow princess, tomboy, etc. There are so many others, it makes me dizzy! I feel that the more we label ourselves, the more insecure we feel so we need the labels so we can feel that we belong somewhere. Does that make any sense? I hope my observation translates on here lol. Thank you!
It definitely translates! I actually have a video about labeling ourselves and one about gatekeeping in the LGBTQIA+ community. If you check them out I'd love to hear your thoughts on them! FWIW I have a love/hate relationship with labels. I hate them in the therapy room because (unless needed for treatment) they can be hard for people. But then others find empowerment in them and I LOVE that for them. Same in the world in general. But I think the real negative impact of labels is when people try to tell someone that a label they use isn't "correct", you know? ❤️❤️❤️
@@KellyRMinter Of course some people need labels and to some degree I use them myself. But sometimes I feel they can get out of hand. As long as people use their powers for good then that’s all that matters! I’ll definitely check out your video on it :)
I've been journaling about the friendship/attraction issue for days. Trying to process it in my head because I think it made things very difficult in all of my female friendships. Thank you for speaking to this and affirming it.
Another well thought out video. On the opposite end..I am "femme" and attracted to "butches" and a lot of more masculine types sometimes feel shame in identifying as Butch because of the pressure second wave feminism has put on the community that they are "aping patriarchal norms and should all be androgynous" It's sad to me to, I wish we could be who we are and like what we like without the judgement.
I see so much of this in the community. We get enough labeling and judging of labels, let people use the labels they want, and have the freedom to change those labels if they want! We do we judge one another so much? The rest of the world does it for us and we need to stop doing it ourselves.
overall great video! but for the friendship part i dont think that is "a heterosexual thing" that is being applied on gay relationships with which it doesn't "fit" in that situation, i think that concept of "you can't be friends with those you're attracted to" or "you can't be friends with a specific gender" is just a false concept altogether and i think it doesn't have to do and shouldn't be applied with heterosexual relationships either. and it's even more complicated with nonbinary people and bi/pan people. i don't even think it makes sense to be applied with cishet people and it bothers me when they apply it to each other too lol
I agree! I don't think it makes sense for anyone, but it IS a common concept in heterosexual relationships, which is why it becomes a carry over into non-heterosexual relationships. And I can't stop that hetero cultural norm, but I'll do my best to help queer people shed it 😄😄
I'm pretty sure I've been affected by compulsory heterosexuality. How can I be sure if I'm bisexual, asexual or a lesbian? I mean is it just that I don't want sex or I don't want sex from men? I'm married, so I don't want to cheat on my husband.
@@KellyRMinter Okay, so I found out about asexuality first, and I was like hmm this sounds like me, but then I found a relationship coach on Tik Tok saying how do you know if you're a closeted Lesbian. I didn't realize I had a crush on a female friend until I watched that, and I was like uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep. Then, I realized oh I think I have a crush on a female best friend. When I was dating men, and even married, I thought that maybe me not wanting sex meant something was wrong with me. I realized I didn't like kissing, holding hands, et cetera. But I've never been with a woman. I started going through okay, those high standards for men, would that apply to this female friend? Nope, not at all.
It sounds like it may be something worth looking into internally. For people who are married and have a safe relationship with their partner, that can be a good place to start. If they don't have that safe relationship, sometimes therapy or peer support groups are a good place to start because it gives you a place to work things through before you take any kind of action. 💜💜
Thank you so much for your videos, Kelly! I don’t comment a lot but I wanted to at least say once that your videos have helped alleviate a lot of pain and confusion for me. I appreciate every upload and how clear you are when discussing these topics especially. 💜🥹 thank you so so much. 🙏
Oh so that's why I struggle to differentiate between friendships and crushes! 😂
Every time I hear someone stress out about it, is want to yell "It's not your fault! There's nothing wrong with you!" :)
This has opened my eyes to my own issues with compulsory heterosexuality, I have recently have identified as a bi flexible, but i have realized that a lot of my internalized homophobia is tied to that fact that I want to have a family and it’s easier and expected to have a family with someone who is male or has a penis, and these feeling of not wanting to have a serious relationship with a woman cuz if it ends up in marriage starting a family is more different than what has been presented to me through compulsory heteronormativity. Thank you for that. 🙏
There is so much good insight in this post, good work! I'm glad this video was able to continue on your way to understanding yourself and your identity.
I love how inclusive you are with the ace community in your videos. Thank you.
Thank you, that means a LOT 💚💚
I remember as a kid/teen I used to think that getting in a relationship and getting married was some kind of requirement for being an adult, and that I was just going to *have* to do it at some point because *everybody* does, right? So I really dreaded "having" to do it. It's kind of amusing to me to look back on my past ideas because oh my gosh noooo, there's no final exam to become an adult where you have to be in a relationship to pass it 😄 You can literally live your life however you want, that's kinda the point. Some people will think it's weird, but that's their problem.
You are right, that's THEIR problem. 👏👏👏🧡
As a gay woman and a therapist myself, I always felt that we have too many labels in our community, especially in the lesbian community. Femme, lipstick, butch, top, pillow princess, tomboy, etc. There are so many others, it makes me dizzy! I feel that the more we label ourselves, the more insecure we feel so we need the labels so we can feel that we belong somewhere. Does that make any sense? I hope my observation translates on here lol. Thank you!
It definitely translates! I actually have a video about labeling ourselves and one about gatekeeping in the LGBTQIA+ community. If you check them out I'd love to hear your thoughts on them!
FWIW I have a love/hate relationship with labels. I hate them in the therapy room because (unless needed for treatment) they can be hard for people. But then others find empowerment in them and I LOVE that for them. Same in the world in general. But I think the real negative impact of labels is when people try to tell someone that a label they use isn't "correct", you know? ❤️❤️❤️
@@KellyRMinter Of course some people need labels and to some degree I use them myself. But sometimes I feel they can get out of hand. As long as people use their powers for good then that’s all that matters! I’ll definitely check out your video on it :)
I've been journaling about the friendship/attraction issue for days. Trying to process it in my head because I think it made things very difficult in all of my female friendships. Thank you for speaking to this and affirming it.
Comp het makes understanding friendships SO much harder! It's awesome that you are doing that work, and journaling is a great way to dig deeper. ❤️❤️
Another well thought out video. On the opposite end..I am "femme" and attracted to "butches" and a lot of more masculine types sometimes feel shame in identifying as Butch because of the pressure second wave feminism has put on the community that they are "aping patriarchal norms and should all be androgynous" It's sad to me to, I wish we could be who we are and like what we like without the judgement.
I see so much of this in the community. We get enough labeling and judging of labels, let people use the labels they want, and have the freedom to change those labels if they want! We do we judge one another so much? The rest of the world does it for us and we need to stop doing it ourselves.
@@KellyRMinter Yes! Thank you, Kelly!
Diving deeper into these topics helps me learn more about myself and how this has been such an issue for me. Thank you!💜
I'm so glad to hear this! ❤️
'Familiarity breeds acceptance.'
Ok, ouch.
But I needed to hear that.
💜💜
I’m gonna have to listen to this like another 1,000x to try and absorb everything. Thank you for sharing this info!!!
Watch as many times as necessary! ❤️❤️❤️
You are underrated.
Omg this is so sweet. Thank you. And I mean, I think so too 😂😂😂
Thank you for this video ...love you so much ...👐🏻
overall great video! but for the friendship part i dont think that is "a heterosexual thing" that is being applied on gay relationships with which it doesn't "fit" in that situation, i think that concept of "you can't be friends with those you're attracted to" or "you can't be friends with a specific gender" is just a false concept altogether and i think it doesn't have to do and shouldn't be applied with heterosexual relationships either. and it's even more complicated with nonbinary people and bi/pan people.
i don't even think it makes sense to be applied with cishet people and it bothers me when they apply it to each other too lol
I agree! I don't think it makes sense for anyone, but it IS a common concept in heterosexual relationships, which is why it becomes a carry over into non-heterosexual relationships. And I can't stop that hetero cultural norm, but I'll do my best to help queer people shed it 😄😄
This was so interesting, thank you🥺🥺🥺
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for watching! 💜💜
Such a great video!
Thank you! Thanks for watching! 💙💙
Your videos are awesome!
I appreciate that! Thank you so much for watching! ❤️❤️
I'm pretty sure I've been affected by compulsory heterosexuality. How can I be sure if I'm bisexual, asexual or a lesbian? I mean is it just that I don't want sex or I don't want sex from men? I'm married, so I don't want to cheat on my husband.
I'm sorry it's taken a while to get back to you. I would start with the question, do how long have you thought that you may be attracted to women for?
@@KellyRMinter Okay, so I found out about asexuality first, and I was like hmm this sounds like me, but then I found a relationship coach on Tik Tok saying how do you know if you're a closeted Lesbian. I didn't realize I had a crush on a female friend until I watched that, and I was like uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep. Then, I realized oh I think I have a crush on a female best friend. When I was dating men, and even married, I thought that maybe me not wanting sex meant something was wrong with me. I realized I didn't like kissing, holding hands, et cetera. But I've never been with a woman. I started going through okay, those high standards for men, would that apply to this female friend? Nope, not at all.
It sounds like it may be something worth looking into internally. For people who are married and have a safe relationship with their partner, that can be a good place to start. If they don't have that safe relationship, sometimes therapy or peer support groups are a good place to start because it gives you a place to work things through before you take any kind of action. 💜💜
@@KellyRMinter I am still not 100 percent sure if I'm a Lesbian or Bisexual. I know I'm Demisexual, but Comphet is so confusing.
« There is no man, that’s the point” loooool
I mean....🤷♀️ 😂😂
Awesome video thanks!
Thank you for watching! ❤️❤️❤️
👍🏽
:)
Thank you so much for your videos, Kelly! I don’t comment a lot but I wanted to at least say once that your videos have helped alleviate a lot of pain and confusion for me. I appreciate every upload and how clear you are when discussing these topics especially. 💜🥹 thank you so so much. 🙏
Thank you so much for watching!!! 💜💜💜