Gay older man in the US here. Came out in my teens in the 70s. I think that historically many of us men who fully well knew that we were gay started out by telling some folks that we were bi, kind of testing the waters and "softening the blow" so to speak. I think that that contributes to many in the gay men's community thinking that "bi" is just a step on the path to gay for all men. Of course, not true. Thanks for naming some of the most common myths about bisexuality and men. I would also add another that I see posed fairly often - that actually ALL human beings are essentially bi. As we understand those terms in our current society I would say that this too is a myth! Of course, when we get into the all or nothings ... not usually very accurate!
@@KellyRMinter if you do another video about bisexuality and men, could you touch on the "everyone is a little bi" myth? I hear it a lot from a former friend and need it broken down lol
THANK YOU THANK YOU The biphobia is SO strong coming from women, even BI WOMEN, even TRANS WOMEN lol I'm a bi man AND black so a lot of that comes even heavier for us given the toxic masculinity expected from black men.
I'm a bi woman and I love and bi men! It makes me so sad that there's in-fighting and biphobia (and transphobia) within our community. I find it especially baffling that some bi women don't embrace bi men. I would date a straight man, but I'd rather date a bi man because they know! Plus, it's an added bonus if we both have similar taste in men! Lol
When I was in college around 40 years ago, I am an old retired nurse. I asked all the women I knew if they ever had been attracted to another woman. All except one, said yes they have. I asked all the men I knew, half of them said yes. I knew a lot of people. I used to be married to a physician. He used to tell me that he was afraid that he was homosexual because he had been attracted to some men. I think it is very natural to be attracted to both sexes. A lot of men just don't want to admit it. Like you said, afraid to admit it. It's a shame. There are a lot of animal species that are bisexual. I am glad that you are here helping people. Like you said you can't and won't give advice. That's not what therapists do. I love to watch your videos. Keep up the good work!!!! 🥰
That all or nothing mentality is so real and so hurtful for people in the long run. I really hope that, through the work so many of us are doing, something changes society wise and it doesn't have to be like this forever. 🧡🧡
Dear fellow bi+ men (and everyone else in the wonderful bi+ community), You are enough, you are valid and loved! Don't let anyone invalidate you. Whether you're married, dated many genders, one gender, no one, or even a virgin (bi virgins exist), you are an awesome bi, pan, polysexual, omni, or any m-spec identity person! There's lots of love in our community, and I love that about us, and the LGBT+ community in general. Love from an omnisexual.
Being bi can be confusing and lonely. Visibility is urgently needed. I'm in a support group for LGBT women in my country and I can tell you there are a lot more bissexual people in that group than what i expected. We are a lot of bis, maybe we are even the majority of LGBT individuals but the invisibility is harming a lot of lives. This could explain why mental health is statiscally worse among us. For bi men it's especially tough...
Thank you for speaking about us! The invisibility/erasure is so extreme for bi men that in my youth I was so confused. Thinking only straight or gay existed. It’s bizarre but I asked myself “Am I gay?” many times after feeling clear attraction to men, but I thought “no, impossible, I have had girlfriends and truly loved them, I must be straight”. Feels stupid saying it now but that’s what it was. Took me until my 24th or so to recognise that both can be true at the same time! And until then I was so confused. I grew up in a religious environment in which bisexuality was erased badly and also gayness in general was reduced to sex. So… I adopted this weird view that bisexuality doesn’t “really” exist and is just a straight or gay person who sexually “doesn’t mind” to sleep with the gender they aren’t attracted to, but can only love one or the other. Very odd how internalised biphobia makes you believe such illogical things, even though being able to love any gender should be such a simple premise. In fact, it’s more logical to me now than categorically not being able to romantically love an entire gender, even if they are compatible with you. And I’m 29 now, so this erasure and biphobia is still so very much alive. What I experienced sounds like it should be 50 years ago. But as you said, research into whether we even exist in 2020! We’ve so far to go still for bi/pan ppl
I can understand why it would feel unreasonable to say those thoughts now (in reference to your first paragraph), and honestly I want to tell you that this line of thinking sounds so familiar, I hear it echoed so, so often and is very connected to why so many men don't know the entirety of who they are until way later in their lives. 🩵🩵
@ Thanks for that assurance, I still thought that it was just me and maybe a few others that followed that tortured logic in the past. Good to know it’s actually quite common, makes it feel easier to speak on it❤️
Thank you very much for your video, your thoughtfulness and care in presenting this topic. The biggest challenge for my wife when coming out to her as bi was that it was hard for her to process the change in identity. Her first thought is, we'd been married 25 years, and now she's not sure who I am. I said, me too. But I'm a step closer to figuring out more of who I am and I shared it with her first. I suspect that identity issue is probably pretty hard for most people to work through. Fortunately, she's accepted me, and we are working toward discovering more. Last year I also figured out I'm grey/demi ace. Again, another shift in identity. I feel like I'm testing her patience, but I also know she loves me as we figure these things out.
I can definitely understand why you feel like you are testing her patience. One thing I want to say, if I may, is that the journey you've been on to discovering yourself is a hard one, but one you have a right to. This week's video (1/19) is about why people come out as bi when they are already partnered up. Idk if it would be a helpful one or not for you but feel free to check it out 💙💙
As a bi man, I really appreciate this video, Thank you 💗💜💙 In regard to finding out later in life. I first started to discover my bisexuality in college, and didn't accept for myself fully until my mid 20's and didn't start telling others I was bisexual until I was in my mid twenties and have slowly started telling those close to me over the past 3 and a half years or so.
Thank you for the video it was very helpful to hear coming from a life of seeing the world as only one way. Also I was wondering if you could do a video for those who have seen or heard more negative responses when telling family and friends and to realize it truly might not be that response. I have found that I am blessed to have people close to me who understand but still nervous to talk to those I want to.
I was going to say a very similar thing as @tatsf. I am also a gay man in the US. I came out later in life but started as saying that I was bi. I think there was certainly an amount of internalized homophobia (clearly throughout my whole life) that led me to wait so long and then to "test the waters". This has led to a level of shame in that I just perpetuated the myth. I heard from gay men how I'd be out soon enough, I just didn't realize it yet. In my case it turned out to be true. It doesn't mean that it is true everywhere. Kelly mentioned one study about bi men but there are others that confirm that bisexuality is real and we need to make room for everyone in the spectrum of sexuality.
Great points here. The generalizations are not helping anyone. Is even say it takes away from everyone's experience, by expecting the journeys to look the same 💚💚
Thanks a lot for this video! I hope you do more videos addressed at bisexual men! Now the question: Do you mind if I share this video around? :P Now seriously, this is the real question (Sorry if I word this clumsily, but English is my 4th language, I'm from Spain): As a bisexual man who has recently come to terms with his sexuality, I find that I find that the way I'm attracted to other men is very different to what gay men seem to be attracted to: I tend to not be repulsed by hypermasculine men, because I tend to associate hypermasculinity with toxic masculinity. I also tend to not really be attracted to men who present overly feminine. How, typical is this in your experience?
Well first of all, share this video to whomever you want to, for SURE 😉 Next, I typically see most people's attraction tendencies to be dictated more by the culture they grow up in than how they identify. Because what we find attractive (or what causes us to lose interest) is often a culmination of all of our life experiences and lessons we have learned over time. Which is why for many people (but not everyone) their "type" can shift over the years, because who they are and what they have experienced has changed, as has their worldview. Does that make sense? ❤️❤️
@Vyrlokar bisexual man here. I am 30 years old. I am #1 mostly attracted by men/masculinity than women/femininity (like a 85/15% ratio kinda sorta). And among the men that attract me they're mostly older and chubbier. I date a 69 year old "bear". I am not attracted to men who are built up / jocks. So there's no such a thing as "common" or "normal". We are all very singular
I am quite secure and contented in being single and not having kids, much to the chagrin of many people around me, and I’m sure part of the reason for that is my experience as a bisexual man. I’ve had fulfilling relationships with a dozen women over the years, but no matter how “open minded” and “safe” they claimed to be, they could never handle my bisexuality. Every single time I was open and honest about my sexuality, the relationship quickly degenerated and in eleven out of twelve relationships, my honesty was met with immediate accusations of closeted homosexuality, cheating, and inexcusably wild conclusions about “warning signs” ranging from how tidy I keep my house to my showering twice a day (11 out of 12 women I have actually stated to my face that self care in any format is “effeminate”). The first two or three times I went through that, I was really hurt, but by around the fifth or sixth time I just rolled my eyes and walked away. Relationships with men haven’t been much better. One I’d have considered a soulmate had he been more inclined to a stable, monogamous relationship. The other six were no better than the women I’d dated: horribly insecure, constantly jumping to wild conclusions, extremely narrow-minded and shallow thinkers. The main difference being that those men were hypersexual and vindictive. Now that I’m in my mid thirties and secure in and with myself, I just get told I’m a waste of a man if I’m not out there reproducing, or that I’m broken and in need of fixing by the “right woman.” At this point in my life I just want to be left alone. It actually pleases me in a way that so many people are so deeply uncomfortable with that. I don’t need affirmation or visibility in and from the “community,” what I need is space, respect, and level-headedness.
The need for space and safety is completely understandable. Also, just in case no one else has said it to you, those things that you shared here, those things that were said to you...they are not correct. None of that should EVER have been said and none of those non verbal messages would have been given either. I am sorry that happened to you. ❤️❤️
If you have experience/knowledge in the area I would love a video on closeted bi/gay men. What are their thoughts, feelings, etc.? I know many bi men experience a lot of internalized homophobia, especially older men. My bisexual dad never planned to come out to me or even talk to me once I found out. As a queer woman myself that hurt. Because ultimately, the message my folks were sending me was, it is sort of ok to be queer, at least for other people, but not for us in the nuclear family. So that made it harder for me to figure myself out and be comfortable with my queerness. So, to all the bisexual men out there with kids, consider telling your kids at some point if its safe to do so. Sexuality has a genetic component, so you could unknowingly be hurting your queer child by keeping quiet. Just my 2 cents, be well.
That's a great topic, and I can definitely put this on the list. I am sorry that was your circumstances, you deserved to have that support (and, honestly, understanding that there is nothing wrong with you) 💚💚
I'm transitioning, or perhaps more accurately I'm becoming more authentic in my gender, and I don't know how accurate it would be to call myself a bisexual man before doing so. But I did experience much, if not all, of what you said including keeping it secret and never acting on it. I remember the 2020 study because I recall sharing it on social media for the benefit of a certain person, though I probably was wasting my time better spent trying to be more authentic than trying to prove a point to someone. I'm really grateful that you did this even if it probably doesn't apply, if ever, to me. That said, I find I still tend to prioritize bisexual people in my relationship choices. Whatever that might mean. ❤️
Hi Kelly. Is underpinning all this the belief alot of people have that anything other than heterosexuality is faulty (but at the same time they also 'know' enough to 'know' being said faulty is not a persons fault)? I hope that all makes sense! And I'm only asking this because when I tell people I'm (simply) gay, I seem to get pitying acceptance rather than no issues approval. It's better than hatred of course, but... And sometimes it comes via a 'We still love you despite of it' hug; or by them saying "It is what it is", or "It's your life to live as best you see fit", or "It doesn't interest me". The last three came from my brother in one hit...sometime after I got the obligatory hug from him of course. Gee thanks for the stunning vote of confidence...not to mention no validation! I'll stop now to let you answer :-)
In short, yes, this absolutely can all be traced back to heteronormativity and heterosexism. And the "We love you no matter what" or "We love you despite" is such a weird, back handed way of reminding you that they don't "agree" but they still want to look like they are doing right by you. It's gross and you deserved to hear better from the people in your life. I am sorry you didn't. 💜💜
Thank you for promoting solidarity within the queer community ❤ I would like to hear a breakdown of nonbinary vs agender vs gender non-conforming... And, spicy question here.... Should gender non-conforming ppl be accepted into the queer umbrella?? Thanks 🙏
The bi-erasure is entrenched, and it took me a while to undo it. For this reason, I pretended to be 'gay,' even though I knew I was bi. Then I went through a period of being unlabeled, which I wish I could stay in. But as a society, we haven't reached that stage yet. Now, if I come out or if someone finds out I'm bi, I don't care. In fact, I do it in solidarity for other bi men because, growing up, I never saw positive bi male role models. Even today, bi men are underrepresented in the media, and if they are represented, it’s often in a negative light. One thing I have noticed among lesbians and gay men is that they have more support; at least, they support each other a lot more. As bi people, we really need to support each other, especially bi men. If I can be a positive role model to young bi men and know that I have made a positive impact, it’s definitely a step forward.
Can you make a video about maintaining your faith in God, after experiencing religious trauma, discrimination, and abuse. And how having a kink/fetish/ subcultural lifestyle and being Christian is ok.
Bi guy here in my 30s. I knew i was bi at age 12. To what extent tho was the question. For me, with men its all about friendship and well...the physical acts. For me, with women its emotion, love, sex, the whole nine yards. I feel like having a wife and a shared guy friend is probably the best situation most of could want. Denial of that is kinda pointless.
It's awesome that you know what it means for you. I honestly hope that we get to a point where everyone is free to explore that and doesn't feel judged in the process, you know? ❤️❤️
The same thing about masculinity leads to the behavior that lead to men choosing the bear. Edit:that was supposed to be "women choosing the bear" but I'm leaving it in with a correction just because of the freudian irony
One of my partners is a bisexual man and we’re in an open and polyamorous relationship. Sometimes (actually a lot of times) I struggle when they go on dates with women. I’m not fully sure what it is at the moment but it truly shakes my core. It’s something I truly don’t want to happen to me because I genuinely want to be a loving and supportive partner. I think it confuses me because my brain struggles to relate. I have to deprogram a lot of my own understanding of the world but I get genuinely stuck emotionally with this topic and I know it’s causing them stress since something fundamental about them is causing me issues I never new were there until after we fell in love and they told me they wanted to go on a date with a women for the first time. Has anyone ever had a situation like this before? I want to be the best partner I can be so I have a lot of self work to do with this one.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to change yourself or your thinking. You naturally prefer a committed relationship. That’s normal for a lot of people. If the other person wants to sleep around, fine. But you don’t need to change the way you think or feel. You need somebody who is on the same page as you, i.e. someone who also wants commitment.
Definitely for the ones who are also not monogamous. In my experience, though, many people open their relationships without understanding the ethical part of enm, which leads to some really hurt people. 💙💙
If you're scared to what your girlfriend or wife would think about you being bisexual it means that you made such a very poor choice of partner. Why would you even date her if you think she might be sexist or homophobic?
While I understand the point I think you are trying to make, I'm not sure blaming someone for someone else's biphobia is the BEST move, you know? Additionally, many people don't discover these things about themselves until later. And their partners have conceptual ideas about bisexual people, which really change when it is about your actual partner to whom you are committed. There are many nuances to these situations and while it would be great if it was as simple as "stay away from people who don't hold the same ideals as you", it's just not that simple the majority of the time (because most have done that already)
@@KellyRMinter staying away from people who don't hold the same ideals as you is simple to do. These are the consequences wich are difficulte to go through. I don't mean to blame anyone but dating homophobic people when you're gay or bi implies accepting some sort of domestic violence by definition. And even if you're heterosexual, dating homophobic people is at least validating it. If you can't chose who you love, you chose who you date. The most difficult thing about loving someone horrible is to oppose this person and to mourn this love relationship that can never happen. It's sad but way more healthy than any other options. This is prevention, not blaming. It's like alcoolism, if you don't admit you have a problem you can't fix it. Only blaming society for that is like blaming alcool for people who dies in car accident when they drive drunk.
I have question. Signs i know i wasn't straight. Sign number 1 i start having crushs on tv soap characters on both men and women. Sign number 2 i start having crushes on men and women singers Men singer call peter andre who sings mysterious girl and girl singer call Jessie J . Sign number 3 i start kissing photo of girl on my high school musical balloons name is Vanessa Hudgens who plays gabriella montez in hsm And Sacha parkinson who Sian powers in coronation Street Sign number 4 i start having fancying Lesbian call Rachel in my old work place for special needs. Sign number 5 i got crush on celebrity like Peter Andre and Zac Efron And corbin bleu and Jessie j and Vansssa Hudgens and Heather peace who plays Eve unwin eastedners Sign number 6 i can't stop thinking about it Sign number 7 i can't stop looking girls in shops Sign number 8 This is very very big i keep on watching lesbians kissing on RUclips from eastenders and corontion street and normal lesbians kissing. Please can you help me please Does this class as bisexual yes or no
Just go date. You will reach your conclusion and find out which gender feels like home. Who feels right to you. I advise you not to drive yourself crazy by overthinking. It is about feeling and attraction not about thinking.
@Jess-wk5jo you've gotten some really good input here already. I'd echo what they are saying, making the labels the focus seems to be creating a lot of stress for you, especially since this is not the first time you've asked a similar question on this channel. If it does turn out you are bi or pan, that's ok! And if you are not, that is ok too. Taking your time and dating at your speed will help you to be able to understand yourself and what you want better 🩵🩵
@@KellyRMinter My worry is i know i am bisexual i am attracted to girls and boys do have to be attracted to anothers genders but i am only attracted to girls and boys .
I consider myself more heteroflexible than bi. I have absolutely zero attraction or interest in dating a guy, but do I enjoy what in their pants? Absolutely!!
As a little kid, kids from school regularly asked me if I was he, ho or bi. I always replied with the question: Why should I choose? It still goes to this day. I've shared beds and fluids with every gender. Wich makes me pansexual. But I'm also conservative and very far right wing. Utterly disgusted from woke ideology and left wing politics. Especially as a pansexual guy I'm deeply ashamed for it, that woke ideology is being shoved down the throats of young kids at school.
I have had dealings with bi men. I dont recommend them. The issue I had was they would seldom explain to their girlfriends or wifes that they were dating me. Bi men tend to have a higher percentages of cheating. Most men cheat in my experience.
I agree 100% in what you’re saying but in my experience, gay dating gay , bi dating bi , straight dating straight! Yes there can be flexibility but usually in my experience it lasts better that way! Also some us aren’t attracted to men who are attracted to women and there are Soo many more women in the world to Men especially if trans like me! Soo rejecting someone’s sexuality is not phobia!!!
I don't know that anywhere in this video I said that it being attracted to someone is a phobia. I do think that some of the comments this video is bringing in are VERY interesting, though, because I would expect many of the people commenting to understand that it is the intention behind the rejection that makes it phobic, not the rejection itself. But that's more of a big picture thing, I guess. 🩷🩷
The bisexual men still could be honest if they wanted to about their sexuality with anyone regardless what sexuality has the other person. If someone doesn't like a bi man, he could just leave them and ignore a mean comment and rejection. He could just look for someone who will accept him as he really is.
I'm not sure that the default of a bisexual man to be dishonest. As I went over in this video they are the latest in life to understand this about themselves. And the video is highlighting the reasons it is hard to "just be honest" and "just own it". While it is a nice theory that one day we will be able to just be who we are and not judge anyone for who they are, the world isn't like that and it OFTEN isn't safe to "just be honest", you know? 🩷😭
Personally, I'd say yes because Black men are held to a higher standard of masculinity. We can't even tell our male friends "I love you" or hug each other without saying, "no homo," immediately after. If we do anything outside of the confines of Black masculinity, we're setting the community back, but in reality, we're no more set back than we would be if this were the 1950s. We're still being killed by cops and vigilantes, and folks are worried about somebody not being heterosexual. I grew up seeing my white peers be open and accepted, and to be honest, I was a little jealous and hurt because I couldn't even tell people, especially my family, that I had a crush on a male classmate when I was in a relationship with a girl who didn't even go to the same high school. She was also bi, but like Kelly mentioned, I was scared to say something because I didn't know how she'd react to MY sexuality. The stay at home period of the pandemic definitely did a number on me because I had just graduated from high school, my mind was still on those two people, and I started college in a house where I couldn't really express and explore my bisexuality. Thankfully, I had a few classmates who shared my experience, but part of me felt like I couldn't even be fully safe with them because all I heard were the voices of my relatives and pastors telling me that I was sinning and not supposed to be around "those people." My employers and coworkers in 2020 definitely didn't make it any better because they were the same people who made me feel ashamed when we were kids. I just graduated magna cum laude, and with the help of my university's LGBTQ+ community center, I was able to open up a bit more to some friends, but there's still a lot of work to be done, especially because racism and biphobia still exist within both the family unit and the queer community.
For sure, there is a stronger bias culturally. Queerness as a whole is less accepted and less normalized in black/brown families, and we definitely know that without, older folx to look to, and normalizing of identity it is much harder to even access the information about yourself, let alone to share it with your family and friends and have them be affirming 💚💚
Ofcourse it is! Ironic especially in my country USA , they can go through Soo much injustice yet still be the cause of much injustice in the name “god”
Kelly I have my own story I am planning to post on here. I don’t know how often you check your comments but I hope you will see mine when I post it later.
![Noob To Max With DRAGON REWORK In Blox Fruits [FULL MOVIE]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/LnBMOinoOvA/mqdefault.jpg)
Gay older man in the US here. Came out in my teens in the 70s. I think that historically many of us men who fully well knew that we were gay started out by telling some folks that we were bi, kind of testing the waters and "softening the blow" so to speak. I think that that contributes to many in the gay men's community thinking that "bi" is just a step on the path to gay for all men. Of course, not true. Thanks for naming some of the most common myths about bisexuality and men. I would also add another that I see posed fairly often - that actually ALL human beings are essentially bi. As we understand those terms in our current society I would say that this too is a myth! Of course, when we get into the all or nothings ... not usually very accurate!
That's a good point. The idea that we are all a "little bit bi" is just faulty. It's not true, just like we are "all straight" is not true. 💜💜
@@KellyRMinter if you do another video about bisexuality and men, could you touch on the "everyone is a little bi" myth? I hear it a lot from a former friend and need it broken down lol
THANK YOU
THANK YOU
The biphobia is SO strong coming from women, even BI WOMEN, even TRANS WOMEN lol
I'm a bi man AND black so a lot of that comes even heavier for us given the toxic masculinity expected from black men.
No you aren't
@@lordmew5do you know him!?!?!?
@lordmew5 what an odd thing to say
@@lordmew5 Take that somewhere else. Please and thank you.
I'm a bi woman and I love and bi men! It makes me so sad that there's in-fighting and biphobia (and transphobia) within our community. I find it especially baffling that some bi women don't embrace bi men. I would date a straight man, but I'd rather date a bi man because they know! Plus, it's an added bonus if we both have similar taste in men! Lol
When I was in college around 40 years ago, I am an old retired nurse. I asked all the women I knew if they ever had been attracted to another woman. All except one, said yes they have. I asked all the men I knew, half of them said yes. I knew a lot of people. I used to be married to a physician. He used to tell me that he was afraid that he was homosexual because he had been attracted to some men. I think it is very natural to be attracted to both sexes. A lot of men just don't want to admit it. Like you said, afraid to admit it. It's a shame. There are a lot of animal species that are bisexual. I am glad that you are here helping people. Like you said you can't and won't give advice. That's not what therapists do. I love to watch your videos. Keep up the good work!!!! 🥰
That all or nothing mentality is so real and so hurtful for people in the long run. I really hope that, through the work so many of us are doing, something changes society wise and it doesn't have to be like this forever. 🧡🧡
Dear fellow bi+ men (and everyone else in the wonderful bi+ community),
You are enough, you are valid and loved! Don't let anyone invalidate you. Whether you're married, dated many genders, one gender, no one, or even a virgin (bi virgins exist), you are an awesome bi, pan, polysexual, omni, or any m-spec identity person! There's lots of love in our community, and I love that about us, and the LGBT+ community in general.
Love from an omnisexual.
❤️❤️❤️
I would love to have the same necklace you have. Also, thank you for continuing to bring these educational but also affirming videos
Thank you so much, and thanks for watching! ❤️❤️
PS the necklace was a birthday gift from my wife, you can find it on Haverhill.com (not sponsored 😉)
It’s hard af in these single streets for black bi queer females. 😵💫
💜💜💜
Being bi can be confusing and lonely. Visibility is urgently needed. I'm in a support group for LGBT women in my country and I can tell you there are a lot more bissexual people in that group than what i expected. We are a lot of bis, maybe we are even the majority of LGBT individuals but the invisibility is harming a lot of lives. This could explain why mental health is statiscally worse among us. For bi men it's especially tough...
You are right, the loneliness definitely takes a toll on our mental health 💛💛
I really wish there were more spaces for us to be together as bi's
Thank you for speaking about us! The invisibility/erasure is so extreme for bi men that in my youth I was so confused. Thinking only straight or gay existed. It’s bizarre but I asked myself “Am I gay?” many times after feeling clear attraction to men, but I thought “no, impossible, I have had girlfriends and truly loved them, I must be straight”. Feels stupid saying it now but that’s what it was.
Took me until my 24th or so to recognise that both can be true at the same time! And until then I was so confused. I grew up in a religious environment in which bisexuality was erased badly and also gayness in general was reduced to sex. So… I adopted this weird view that bisexuality doesn’t “really” exist and is just a straight or gay person who sexually “doesn’t mind” to sleep with the gender they aren’t attracted to, but can only love one or the other. Very odd how internalised biphobia makes you believe such illogical things, even though being able to love any gender should be such a simple premise. In fact, it’s more logical to me now than categorically not being able to romantically love an entire gender, even if they are compatible with you.
And I’m 29 now, so this erasure and biphobia is still so very much alive. What I experienced sounds like it should be 50 years ago. But as you said, research into whether we even exist in 2020! We’ve so far to go still for bi/pan ppl
I can understand why it would feel unreasonable to say those thoughts now (in reference to your first paragraph), and honestly I want to tell you that this line of thinking sounds so familiar, I hear it echoed so, so often and is very connected to why so many men don't know the entirety of who they are until way later in their lives. 🩵🩵
@ Thanks for that assurance, I still thought that it was just me and maybe a few others that followed that tortured logic in the past. Good to know it’s actually quite common, makes it feel easier to speak on it❤️
Thank you very much for your video, your thoughtfulness and care in presenting this topic. The biggest challenge for my wife when coming out to her as bi was that it was hard for her to process the change in identity. Her first thought is, we'd been married 25 years, and now she's not sure who I am. I said, me too. But I'm a step closer to figuring out more of who I am and I shared it with her first. I suspect that identity issue is probably pretty hard for most people to work through. Fortunately, she's accepted me, and we are working toward discovering more. Last year I also figured out I'm grey/demi ace. Again, another shift in identity. I feel like I'm testing her patience, but I also know she loves me as we figure these things out.
I can definitely understand why you feel like you are testing her patience. One thing I want to say, if I may, is that the journey you've been on to discovering yourself is a hard one, but one you have a right to.
This week's video (1/19) is about why people come out as bi when they are already partnered up. Idk if it would be a helpful one or not for you but feel free to check it out 💙💙
@@KellyRMinter Thank you very much for your reply and affirmation. And thank you very much for making your content! I will check that video out.
As a bi man, I really appreciate this video, Thank you 💗💜💙 In regard to finding out later in life. I first started to discover my bisexuality in college, and didn't accept for myself fully until my mid 20's and didn't start telling others I was bisexual until I was in my mid twenties and have slowly started telling those close to me over the past 3 and a half years or so.
Thank you for the video it was very helpful to hear coming from a life of seeing the world as only one way.
Also I was wondering if you could do a video for those who have seen or heard more negative responses when telling family and friends and to realize it truly might not be that response. I have found that I am blessed to have people close to me who understand but still nervous to talk to those I want to.
Great suggestion! I will put it on the list! 🩵🩵
I was going to say a very similar thing as @tatsf. I am also a gay man in the US. I came out later in life but started as saying that I was bi. I think there was certainly an amount of internalized homophobia (clearly throughout my whole life) that led me to wait so long and then to "test the waters". This has led to a level of shame in that I just perpetuated the myth. I heard from gay men how I'd be out soon enough, I just didn't realize it yet. In my case it turned out to be true. It doesn't mean that it is true everywhere. Kelly mentioned one study about bi men but there are others that confirm that bisexuality is real and we need to make room for everyone in the spectrum of sexuality.
Great points here. The generalizations are not helping anyone. Is even say it takes away from everyone's experience, by expecting the journeys to look the same 💚💚
Thanks for putting this video out there. I felt very seen and advocated for which means a lot.
Thank you so much for watching! 💜💜
Thanks a lot for this video! I hope you do more videos addressed at bisexual men!
Now the question: Do you mind if I share this video around? :P
Now seriously, this is the real question (Sorry if I word this clumsily, but English is my 4th language, I'm from Spain): As a bisexual man who has recently come to terms with his sexuality, I find that I find that the way I'm attracted to other men is very different to what gay men seem to be attracted to: I tend to not be repulsed by hypermasculine men, because I tend to associate hypermasculinity with toxic masculinity. I also tend to not really be attracted to men who present overly feminine. How, typical is this in your experience?
Well first of all, share this video to whomever you want to, for SURE 😉
Next, I typically see most people's attraction tendencies to be dictated more by the culture they grow up in than how they identify. Because what we find attractive (or what causes us to lose interest) is often a culmination of all of our life experiences and lessons we have learned over time. Which is why for many people (but not everyone) their "type" can shift over the years, because who they are and what they have experienced has changed, as has their worldview. Does that make sense? ❤️❤️
@@KellyRMinter It makes sense, yes.
@Vyrlokar bisexual man here. I am 30 years old. I am #1 mostly attracted by men/masculinity than women/femininity (like a 85/15% ratio kinda sorta). And among the men that attract me they're mostly older and chubbier. I date a 69 year old "bear". I am not attracted to men who are built up / jocks.
So there's no such a thing as "common" or "normal". We are all very singular
I am quite secure and contented in being single and not having kids, much to the chagrin of many people around me, and I’m sure part of the reason for that is my experience as a bisexual man. I’ve had fulfilling relationships with a dozen women over the years, but no matter how “open minded” and “safe” they claimed to be, they could never handle my bisexuality. Every single time I was open and honest about my sexuality, the relationship quickly degenerated and in eleven out of twelve relationships, my honesty was met with immediate accusations of closeted homosexuality, cheating, and inexcusably wild conclusions about “warning signs” ranging from how tidy I keep my house to my showering twice a day (11 out of 12 women I have actually stated to my face that self care in any format is “effeminate”). The first two or three times I went through that, I was really hurt, but by around the fifth or sixth time I just rolled my eyes and walked away.
Relationships with men haven’t been much better. One I’d have considered a soulmate had he been more inclined to a stable, monogamous relationship. The other six were no better than the women I’d dated: horribly insecure, constantly jumping to wild conclusions, extremely narrow-minded and shallow thinkers. The main difference being that those men were hypersexual and vindictive.
Now that I’m in my mid thirties and secure in and with myself, I just get told I’m a waste of a man if I’m not out there reproducing, or that I’m broken and in need of fixing by the “right woman.” At this point in my life I just want to be left alone. It actually pleases me in a way that so many people are so deeply uncomfortable with that.
I don’t need affirmation or visibility in and from the “community,” what I need is space, respect, and level-headedness.
The need for space and safety is completely understandable.
Also, just in case no one else has said it to you, those things that you shared here, those things that were said to you...they are not correct. None of that should EVER have been said and none of those non verbal messages would have been given either. I am sorry that happened to you. ❤️❤️
@@KellyRMinterthank you 🖤
If you have experience/knowledge in the area I would love a video on closeted bi/gay men. What are their thoughts, feelings, etc.?
I know many bi men experience a lot of internalized homophobia, especially older men. My bisexual dad never planned to come out to me or even talk to me once I found out. As a queer woman myself that hurt. Because ultimately, the message my folks were sending me was, it is sort of ok to be queer, at least for other people, but not for us in the nuclear family. So that made it harder for me to figure myself out and be comfortable with my queerness.
So, to all the bisexual men out there with kids, consider telling your kids at some point if its safe to do so. Sexuality has a genetic component, so you could unknowingly be hurting your queer child by keeping quiet. Just my 2 cents, be well.
That's a great topic, and I can definitely put this on the list. I am sorry that was your circumstances, you deserved to have that support (and, honestly, understanding that there is nothing wrong with you) 💚💚
I'm transitioning, or perhaps more accurately I'm becoming more authentic in my gender, and I don't know how accurate it would be to call myself a bisexual man before doing so. But I did experience much, if not all, of what you said including keeping it secret and never acting on it. I remember the 2020 study because I recall sharing it on social media for the benefit of a certain person, though I probably was wasting my time better spent trying to be more authentic than trying to prove a point to someone. I'm really grateful that you did this even if it probably doesn't apply, if ever, to me.
That said, I find I still tend to prioritize bisexual people in my relationship choices. Whatever that might mean. ❤️
Hi Kelly. Is underpinning all this the belief alot of people have that anything other than heterosexuality is faulty (but at the same time they also 'know' enough to 'know' being said faulty is not a persons fault)? I hope that all makes sense!
And I'm only asking this because when I tell people I'm (simply) gay, I seem to get pitying acceptance rather than no issues approval. It's better than hatred of course, but...
And sometimes it comes via a 'We still love you despite of it' hug; or by them saying "It is what it is", or "It's your life to live as best you see fit", or "It doesn't interest me". The last three came from my brother in one hit...sometime after I got the obligatory hug from him of course. Gee thanks for the stunning vote of confidence...not to mention no validation!
I'll stop now to let you answer :-)
In short, yes, this absolutely can all be traced back to heteronormativity and heterosexism. And the "We love you no matter what" or "We love you despite" is such a weird, back handed way of reminding you that they don't "agree" but they still want to look like they are doing right by you. It's gross and you deserved to hear better from the people in your life. I am sorry you didn't. 💜💜
Thank you for promoting solidarity within the queer community ❤ I would like to hear a breakdown of nonbinary vs agender vs gender non-conforming... And, spicy question here.... Should gender non-conforming ppl be accepted into the queer umbrella?? Thanks 🙏
The bi-erasure is entrenched, and it took me a while to undo it. For this reason, I pretended to be 'gay,' even though I knew I was bi. Then I went through a period of being unlabeled, which I wish I could stay in. But as a society, we haven't reached that stage yet. Now, if I come out or if someone finds out I'm bi, I don't care. In fact, I do it in solidarity for other bi men because, growing up, I never saw positive bi male role models. Even today, bi men are underrepresented in the media, and if they are represented, it’s often in a negative light. One thing I have noticed among lesbians and gay men is that they have more support; at least, they support each other a lot more. As bi people, we really need to support each other, especially bi men.
If I can be a positive role model to young bi men and know that I have made a positive impact, it’s definitely a step forward.
Can you make a video about maintaining your faith in God, after experiencing religious trauma, discrimination, and abuse.
And how having a kink/fetish/ subcultural lifestyle and being Christian is ok.
Bi guy here in my 30s.
I knew i was bi at age 12. To what extent tho was the question.
For me, with men its all about friendship and well...the physical acts.
For me, with women its emotion, love, sex, the whole nine yards.
I feel like having a wife and a shared guy friend is probably the best situation most of could want. Denial of that is kinda pointless.
It's awesome that you know what it means for you. I honestly hope that we get to a point where everyone is free to explore that and doesn't feel judged in the process, you know? ❤️❤️
The same thing about masculinity leads to the behavior that lead to men choosing the bear.
Edit:that was supposed to be "women choosing the bear" but I'm leaving it in with a correction just because of the freudian irony
I agree, and I enjoy the irony also 😄💙💙
lol as a bi male i sometimes choose or even identify as "the Bear"
One of my partners is a bisexual man and we’re in an open and polyamorous relationship. Sometimes (actually a lot of times) I struggle when they go on dates with women. I’m not fully sure what it is at the moment but it truly shakes my core. It’s something I truly don’t want to happen to me because I genuinely want to be a loving and supportive partner. I think it confuses me because my brain struggles to relate. I have to deprogram a lot of my own understanding of the world but I get genuinely stuck emotionally with this topic and I know it’s causing them stress since something fundamental about them is causing me issues I never new were there until after we fell in love and they told me they wanted to go on a date with a women for the first time. Has anyone ever had a situation like this before? I want to be the best partner I can be so I have a lot of self work to do with this one.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to change yourself or your thinking. You naturally prefer a committed relationship. That’s normal for a lot of people. If the other person wants to sleep around, fine. But you don’t need to change the way you think or feel. You need somebody who is on the same page as you, i.e. someone who also wants commitment.
I feel like ENM was created for us bi or poly people.
Definitely for the ones who are also not monogamous. In my experience, though, many people open their relationships without understanding the ethical part of enm, which leads to some really hurt people. 💙💙
Society is extremely slow to unlearn these beliefs about bi men.
Indeed ❤️❤️
Is she a fan of Leonid Afremov? (paintings in the background)
I am! And good eye, not many people recognize that ❤️❤️
The sheer amount of homophobia from cis women towards bi men is crazy…especially because they’ll support other queer people
If you're scared to what your girlfriend or wife would think about you being bisexual it means that you made such a very poor choice of partner.
Why would you even date her if you think she might be sexist or homophobic?
While I understand the point I think you are trying to make, I'm not sure blaming someone for someone else's biphobia is the BEST move, you know?
Additionally, many people don't discover these things about themselves until later. And their partners have conceptual ideas about bisexual people, which really change when it is about your actual partner to whom you are committed.
There are many nuances to these situations and while it would be great if it was as simple as "stay away from people who don't hold the same ideals as you", it's just not that simple the majority of the time (because most have done that already)
@@KellyRMinter staying away from people who don't hold the same ideals as you is simple to do. These are the consequences wich are difficulte to go through.
I don't mean to blame anyone but dating homophobic people when you're gay or bi implies accepting some sort of domestic violence by definition.
And even if you're heterosexual, dating homophobic people is at least validating it.
If you can't chose who you love, you chose who you date. The most difficult thing about loving someone horrible is to oppose this person and to mourn this love relationship that can never happen.
It's sad but way more healthy than any other options. This is prevention, not blaming.
It's like alcoolism, if you don't admit you have a problem you can't fix it. Only blaming society for that is like blaming alcool for people who dies in car accident when they drive drunk.
Me and my gf debunked this vid. She says I *am* gay, and I beleive her.
So that means no men are bisexual?
I have never covered my bi. I accept that not every man has the privilege to do that safely
I have question. Signs i know i wasn't straight.
Sign number 1 i start having crushs on tv soap characters on both men and women.
Sign number 2 i start having crushes on men and women singers
Men singer call peter andre who sings mysterious girl and girl singer call Jessie J .
Sign number 3 i start kissing photo of girl on my high school musical balloons name is Vanessa Hudgens who plays gabriella montez in hsm And Sacha parkinson who Sian powers in coronation Street
Sign number 4 i start having fancying Lesbian call Rachel in my old work place for special needs.
Sign number 5 i got crush on celebrity like
Peter Andre and Zac Efron And corbin bleu and Jessie j and Vansssa Hudgens and Heather peace who plays Eve unwin eastedners
Sign number 6 i can't stop thinking about it
Sign number 7 i can't stop looking girls in shops
Sign number 8 This is very very big i keep on watching lesbians kissing on RUclips from eastenders and corontion street and normal lesbians kissing.
Please can you help me please
Does this class as bisexual yes or no
Just go date. You will reach your conclusion and find out which gender feels like home. Who feels right to you. I advise you not to drive yourself crazy by overthinking. It is about feeling and attraction not about thinking.
Date both female and males and see how it progresses
@Jess-wk5jo you've gotten some really good input here already. I'd echo what they are saying, making the labels the focus seems to be creating a lot of stress for you, especially since this is not the first time you've asked a similar question on this channel. If it does turn out you are bi or pan, that's ok! And if you are not, that is ok too. Taking your time and dating at your speed will help you to be able to understand yourself and what you want better 🩵🩵
@@KellyRMinter My worry is i know i am bisexual i am attracted to girls and boys do have to be attracted to anothers genders but i am only attracted to girls and boys .
I have a question: how come, you know so much about these topics? Where u there? Or have you done research on the topics you talk about??
I consider myself more heteroflexible than bi. I have absolutely zero attraction or interest in dating a guy, but do I enjoy what in their pants? Absolutely!!
Some of us have a lot in our pants
To be frank I think you discussing bi women so much more than men is a sign of the problem
Wow, ok.
As a little kid, kids from school regularly asked me if I was he, ho or bi. I always replied with the question: Why should I choose? It still goes to this day. I've shared beds and fluids with every gender. Wich makes me pansexual. But I'm also conservative and very far right wing. Utterly disgusted from woke ideology and left wing politics. Especially as a pansexual guy I'm deeply ashamed for it, that woke ideology is being shoved down the throats of young kids at school.
I have had dealings with bi men. I dont recommend them. The issue I had was they would seldom explain to their girlfriends or wifes that they were dating me. Bi men tend to have a higher percentages of cheating. Most men cheat in my experience.
I agree 100% in what you’re saying but in my experience, gay dating gay , bi dating bi , straight dating straight! Yes there can be flexibility but usually in my experience it lasts better that way! Also some us aren’t attracted to men who are attracted to women and there are Soo many more women in the world to
Men especially if trans like me! Soo rejecting someone’s sexuality is not phobia!!!
I don't know that anywhere in this video I said that it being attracted to someone is a phobia. I do think that some of the comments this video is bringing in are VERY interesting, though, because I would expect many of the people commenting to understand that it is the intention behind the rejection that makes it phobic, not the rejection itself. But that's more of a big picture thing, I guess. 🩷🩷
The bisexual men still could be honest if they wanted to about their sexuality with anyone regardless what sexuality has the other person.
If someone doesn't like a bi man, he could just leave them and ignore a mean comment and rejection. He could just look for someone who will accept him as he really is.
I'm not sure that the default of a bisexual man to be dishonest. As I went over in this video they are the latest in life to understand this about themselves. And the video is highlighting the reasons it is hard to "just be honest" and "just own it". While it is a nice theory that one day we will be able to just be who we are and not judge anyone for who they are, the world isn't like that and it OFTEN isn't safe to "just be honest", you know? 🩷😭
Who cares....
Obviously you or you wouldn't take time to comment 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for another awesome video. 🩷💜💙. Do you think it’s harder for black/brown men to come out as bi?
Personally, I'd say yes because Black men are held to a higher standard of masculinity. We can't even tell our male friends "I love you" or hug each other without saying, "no homo," immediately after. If we do anything outside of the confines of Black masculinity, we're setting the community back, but in reality, we're no more set back than we would be if this were the 1950s. We're still being killed by cops and vigilantes, and folks are worried about somebody not being heterosexual.
I grew up seeing my white peers be open and accepted, and to be honest, I was a little jealous and hurt because I couldn't even tell people, especially my family, that I had a crush on a male classmate when I was in a relationship with a girl who didn't even go to the same high school. She was also bi, but like Kelly mentioned, I was scared to say something because I didn't know how she'd react to MY sexuality. The stay at home period of the pandemic definitely did a number on me because I had just graduated from high school, my mind was still on those two people, and I started college in a house where I couldn't really express and explore my bisexuality. Thankfully, I had a few classmates who shared my experience, but part of me felt like I couldn't even be fully safe with them because all I heard were the voices of my relatives and pastors telling me that I was sinning and not supposed to be around "those people." My employers and coworkers in 2020 definitely didn't make it any better because they were the same people who made me feel ashamed when we were kids.
I just graduated magna cum laude, and with the help of my university's LGBTQ+ community center, I was able to open up a bit more to some friends, but there's still a lot of work to be done, especially because racism and biphobia still exist within both the family unit and the queer community.
For sure, there is a stronger bias culturally. Queerness as a whole is less accepted and less normalized in black/brown families, and we definitely know that without, older folx to look to, and normalizing of identity it is much harder to even access the information about yourself, let alone to share it with your family and friends and have them be affirming 💚💚
Ofcourse it is! Ironic especially in my country USA , they can go through Soo much injustice yet still be the cause of much injustice in the name “god”
Kelly I have my own story I am planning to post on here. I don’t know how often you check your comments but I hope you will see mine when I post it later.