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I became a super people-pleaser. An expert at regulating others' emotions and creating peace and finding solutions for others. To accomplish this I had to always say No to myself and my needs and always say yes to others. I became no one. I ceased to exist. I was only a tool to make others feel good about themselves. I was not allowed to have boundaries but was expected to respect others' boundaries. I woke up at 52 and learn to get to know myself for the first time. It is scary to start setting boundaries because I've been taught that if I upset anyone my life is in danger and I will be ostracized. But I'm an adult now. I will survive even if people leave.
You are not alone. I was also a super- people pleaser!! At 57, I was awoken by the fact that I had married a very abusive husband for 32 years!! I am also trying to figure out who I am. God led me out of this, and He has given me a support system that I have never had. My daughter and I went to church, at her insistence,( she's autistic and schizophrenic). We now have a church family, and we've stopped constantly moving ( Being isolated ) by the narc, and put down roots . I hope you can find a support system , too. Tim has opened my eyes to a very murky childhood that I could never figure out!! I'll be praying that you will find a safe haven and support system, and that we ALL heal, or get on the road to healing, and peace !!
Oh my, you are living parallel to me.. I to am an empathetic people pleaser. No boundaries to say no to others. Goals to please people so can feel sense of value… I too am 52 and this information hits hard…. Sending prayers your way… As you said we can get past this….
Good for you! And yes, we need to recognise that, now as adults, we can handle rejection and loss of attachment/love - it may hurt for a while, but it definitely won't kill us. We can recover and move on (something impossible for us when we were children.)
Same same, I woke up and I'm 44, no relationship, no children and now no job. The social pressure is so painful but I am finally understanding that this is the result of a life full of people pleasing, like you said, expert at regulating others, taking it all on me so everybody around could feel happy, safe and protected. You are not alone, this is our recovery journey ❤
It angers me that Tim stole the term "Soul Murder" which originally describes the direct consequences of sexual molestation of a child on their very existence. He is talking about "Identity Betrayal". Soul Murder is separate from and gravely, distinctly different from Identity Betrayal.
There were a couple of writers who used the term back in the 90’s. Not new, just lost for a while in the more materialistic view of the current era. I think there was one book with that exact title, though it didn’t blame the kid for the murder… every thinker who looks into the outcome of severe abuse frames it differently, but similarly.
"Shutting the gut down..." Yeah, that is VERY relatable. My whole childhood was a minefield of "this feels wrong, but what choice do I have?" I felt like a POW....
Thank you for sharing. I resonate and there's this constant feeling of being violated. Yet enduring the violation. It's very disturbing. I often say I feel I'm wearing this mask of tolerance, but in reality I'm in opposition to what is occuring.(when I say yes) I know it feels wrong yet I'm shut down.
@@agc1161 Your description gave words to what I have trouble articulating. I feel that if I'm grey rocking that I'm actually supressing anger which is supposed to be unhealthy. But to try and establish boundaries, I have explained everything from every angle to my parents for decades. They either do no hear me, or just do not accept that I have my own tastes or any right for boundaries. Plus they get weirdly excited if we're "debating" my rights, they seem to enjoy the drama it feels quite sickly, so Grey Rock seems the least painful way to deal with them. If it was any other person I would run a mile within a couple of encounters, but can't get myself to do it with my parents, expecially because we have an 8 year old. He doesn't enjoy being with them either, I think he senses their bad mental health, but to go no contact seems so drastic. But I do end up living with this sense like you say @agc1161 of allowing myself to be constantly violated. Love and courage to you 💗
That's correct, they only know what they know. Besides, we chose our parents to help with our v life lessons for soul growth. If life it's too easy... no growth.
I had my soul lowkey murdered under the guise of “everything will be ok just do what your told by authority” one day when you realize that adults never had their shit together, it hurts a lot
EXACTLY. Knowing that adults never had their shit together is the ultimate betrayal. Because today i look at my parents and see their existential misery. And as a kid i blindly believed they knew best and sacrificed myself in ways that i still dont fully understand, for something that led me to so much pain today. Its hard.
@@LongJourneys True. But believe me, some people have most of their shit together in a way they can raise a child in an organized and purposeful way. It is possible. I myself had put togheter huge amounts of my own shit, and I see improvement everyday and life getting better. But my shit are deep and huge and heavy so I have a big way to walk and create, but it when you release shit you get more energy. Sooo yeah, the way you were raised is a curse and MOST people can never get over that because they are unable even to see the problem, and so far from the tools to solve it and the patience and resilience it requires. But there are some people who do. It is REALLY FUCKING HARD, and you need a lot of things, having financial stability for example helps that to be faster. But I should say if you can choose now don't have kids until you are minimally satisfied with your life the way it is now.
I remember as a teenager realizing my mom was trying kill my spirit 😢 so I became out of control and angry in order to save my soul. The survival mode has been a destructive force since 😢
This is exactly what happened to me. I also did the same and became scary angry to protect the real and vulnerable pain that I should have been able to reveal if there was a tiny chance she actually would have respected me and cared. I'm so sorry!
Same thing happened to me...I guess it's the root of my 'anger issues'? The destructive rage has led to some mighty poor choices that I'm fixing now, but at least my spirit is still alive, so I'm not sure if I regret it or not.
I heard you- when my father died my mom just checked out on alcohol. I was 8. Suffered constantly. Got into the drug scene of the 70s . Thankfully my step dad put me in a juvenile rehab at 16. Saved my life.
@@theroadlesstraveled3993 For some reason this comes across as, sure accurate.., but also annoying like "look the sun is shining amd there is no monster in your closet !". Tbrh.. i find it really tiresome hearing that response after so many years. Even though you mean so well 🌼 Can we just let it be: the magnitude is staggering ? Everyday is a battle. ✌🏽💛
@@theroadlesstraveled3993that is absolute b.s. and victim-blaming. Is this what you would tell a victim of r@pe or someone who’s had their whole family unalived or someone who was in a terrible accident? How callous, cruel and unthinking.
@@slimshany4602 I guess it depends on the person's attitude about such things and how far one has come to heal. I've been through some heavy stuff, I've worked hard and come far and this sentiment is true. Receive it or reject it, it's just how it is. I don't have time or energy to beat around the bush and sugar coat things anymore. It was meant to be positive and encouraging and if you don't like the saying, that's OK, someone else may be encouraged by it. ✌️
I suppose im a lost child. Im 42 sitting in my house after being laid off with no friends in the world or any family left watching a video reminding me of my childhood. IDK
This is something a healthily raised person could never ever understand. This is a lonely healing life-long journey. Telling people about the real life we went through only brings more hurt to oneself.
I never feel good after "trauma dumping" on people, but it feels like nobody SEES MY PAIN. And I am met with....remember how your trauma doesn't define you.... Or, you have a long journey ahead take it one day at a time.... I get it, not everyone was abused. I get it, therapists are there for talking but I have no money. At times I write it all down but I find myself writing it all over and over again. I can't feel anger, only sadness. I don't think I'm allowing myself to be angry.
In adulthood, your physical body is 47 years old yet your emotional body is operating at the 8 year old developmental level. Especially when you needed to focus on staying alive compared to developing
Yes I’m discovering that I am exactly this, and it is such an odd predicament to have logic, knowledge, personal beliefs and preferences that seem to not get applied somehow. Then I realized the 7 year old overrides and has seniority over all things, but is hidden and you can never even find out about them for your entire life
@@rg1whiteywins598Same (Not Same high IQ as you 😊) but Same in thinking a few days ago that 7 or 8 is when my soul started getting “murdered” (I was thinking “stolen” but “murdered” makes a TON of sense 😊)
I was terrified daily as a child. Always so scared. It made me get sick all the time and lowered my immune system. I remember the moment I turned off my heart because I couldn’t take it anymore. I never figured out how to turn it back on. I’m 41 and still can’t feel anything.
I felt when I was a child that my mother was trying to destroy my spirit. She had been gaslighting me for as long as I can remember. You don't know what a vacancy you carry in your heart when you know that your mother doesn't want you or love you. I'm 77 and I still have that loss in my heart. I will never get over it. But I don't agree that the child always assumes that it's their fault. I always knew that it wasn't me. There was something wrong with her. I didn't murder my soul. I fought back. Now I've had several psychologists tell me that I'm miraculously sane for what my parents gave me to work with.
@@sandarahcatmom9897 Thank you very much for your thoughts. I know I'm rare. It's hard to get through life as not many people, including therapists, get it like you do. As well as the therapists I mentioned, I have had others laugh in my face. Lately I've found that it has been the kindness of strangers that has helped me most.
I'm guessing one of the things you didn't get was unrelentlessly physically beat? It adds a whole new measure of seriousness to "you better get in line". If you fought back, you had to have been given room to fight back, in others' experiences, this wasn't an option, it led to more pain so you learn not to fight back
Same as me, I always knew it wasn't me or my fault. Ive had psychologists congratulate me..for not suiciding. I'm 66 this year, struggling again now, after a good few years.
This is the worst part of socialization. You cut bits of yourself off little by little, you shrink more and more, and one day you discover you're just an empty shell. This is cruel and scary process that should not be normalized. You get to live at peace and people leave you be, but at what price? This is not what life is about...
I'm the lost child. Neglectful & emotionally unavailable parents who had problems with addiction & mental illness. Then I was shamed & bullied at school by my peers for being poor & overweight. I always felt it was better to just disappear & not try to get my needs met by others. As I child I felt people weren't "safe" & not much has changed as an adult.
I've consistently had trouble with "getting help". Even when I overcame my internal denial and fear, others wouldn't pick up on just how bad I was doing/hiw serious things were, because I automatically came across as self-reliant, rational, intelligent, "sane," minimising complaints, being "objective".. I really had to break down completely(mental and physical) to finally get into a program of assistance, therapy, coaching, physical rehabilitation. I am already so much better, though still struggling with something as simple as calling a plumber for my clogged drain (after goodness knows how many DIY attempts) 🤦🏼♂️
Now you have an opportunity to heal and grow and have the life you deserve! God can make a way! Not one of us ever perfect, I strive for peace and contentment 🙏🏻❤️
@irenemorley75 so basically you're calling me a liar. Thanks. Well I got news for ya, I was overweight and poor, so clearly it does happen. Everything I said is true.
@@irenemorley75 you do know kids being bullied at school for being poor is usually based on a level of poverty like second hand clothing, no brand stuff, not able to afford after school activities, vacations etc.Being poorER than their peers, not literally starving to death poor..? Also unhealthy unbalanced diets (sugar, fat and refined carbs) are cheaper than healthy fresh fruit, veg and protein rich diets, which leads to more obesity in lower income households.
Yea it does hit you hard when it's explained properly tim is very good at that and opens the mind up that you can understand even although it hurts when you can relate to it
I grew up with an alcoholic father with fear based ‘discipline’ , he was in the navy and he treated my brother and me like cadets more than his children. My mother was codependent and I’m sure lived in fear also , however she always backed my dad up . The day he broke my soul is burned in my memory. I was 11 and after he had a very drunken fight with my uncle he decided he was leaving . I started crying and telling him “ please don’t leave , I love you “ he turned around with pure coldness in his eyes and told me “ well, I don’t love you “ . I still remember feeling like I was punched in the gut. I’m now 48 and I’m now just beginning to believe I am worthy of love. I cannot thank you enough for these videos. I feel hopeful for a better future now ❤
I'd imagine he didn't love himself, and how he treated you was a reflection of the relationship he had with himself. I'd be willing to bet your beautiful soul and light ✨️ reminded him of everything he wasn't anymore or just believed those things about himself. He probably couldn't even see you through his own shame, much less past his own nose. You're breaking generations of trauma by healing yourself. I love that for you. Hugs.
I was told I was going to have a bath. I was 10. They both intended to torture me that day I was naked. He locked me in. He had 6” of freezing cold water. He also had a 6 foot bamboo rod. He beat me violently. Black and deep purple welts. Covered in my own shit. I died that day inside June last year the healing began. I buried him I’m now 56
“Anger is our friend. Not a nice friend. Not a gentle friend. But a very, very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves. It will always tell us when it is time to act in our own best interests.” - Julia Cameron.
Anger can tell you something about yourself & what you may need to change in how you respond to others. Be angry but do not sin. If your anger hurts others then that needs to change. If you feel justified in hurting others then you have a big problem.
Starting at 27:24 describes perfectly what I experienced on repeat growing up. "Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about" "Get that angry look off your face or I'll knock it off you" etc. I didn't even have to say or do anything, just having the perceived facial expression was punished. Even happy emotions were punished for being "too loud" or "selfish" or whatever other reason they wanted to use as to why I was wrong to have them. I wasn't allowed to have any emotions, any expressions on my face, any choices, any independence, but yet all the blame and responsibilities of an adult. And now here I am, wondering why I'm the way I am and can't connect to other people or have my needs met. I guess I was expected to be a robot, but they would've found something wrong with that too.
Have you heard about being the 'scapegoat'. I had similar experiences.....'take what you're given or have none'. 'Don't just stand there, do something'. ;You think you're so good don't you, you think you're better than me'. These and such other things, constantly being struck over the ear, flogged over and over with a block of wood, heck, even had to watch the cat being hung and strangled by my father....... yeah, it's all a monumental fuck up,, and the thing is, people just don't understand the paralysis inside and the struggle to survive. As an adult, people would comment on my lawn, that it was never mowed, but I had no mower and no money to pay someone. It took 7 months before anyone offered to help me. I heard someone comment and say, 'she must like it like that'. People just don't get it. Been working on changing my inner dialogue for a long time, but I keep myself to myself as I still can't form anything healthy without ruining it in some form or other, simply because I feel so needy. I wish you well and God speed your recovery.
I look at it this way. I've had the opportunity to think about this for a couple of years. Much of this is projected from what lies inside our parent that they can't handle or manage, and who I don't think see.. I ran across an article by chance about the Jezebel spirit and how it attatches to a host and they are not aware of it because of their own trauma. But the good news for people like us who feel that something's wrong, are aware of this possible presence because we feel bad about ourselves, but we really know we're not. We don't believe the behavior. To me, whatever it is, wherever it comes from, doesn't matter if we recognize that their behavior was unacceptable to Us. So that knowing is my answer. Think about it. Maybe they were lost and blind. But we refuse to be. We can try to love them. But nobody said we ever had to Like the way they acted. You don't have to feel anything. Because you know Better than to accept that about yourself. It just doesn't matter.
I am unofficially borderline so I get angry and sometimes crazy but I can't imagine saying cold hearted phrases like that it seems sadistic and so many of our ancestors said it I'm glad people are becoming more self actualized
@@bc6352 I'm sorry you experienced that, but the truth is coming out so now all of this similar trauma we experienced can be dealt with and we can begin our healing journeys. God bless you and bring healing to you
I didn’t know I was murdering my soul as a child. All I knew I had so much fear and I had to force pretend that I was brave: I wasn’t mean but I roared. This fear has ruled my life in every way
You weren't! You were Betraying Your Identity! Soul murder has already been coined as meaning the direct consequences of sexual molestation of a child on their very existence. If you were murdering yourself it would be called "suicide" not "murder".
@@kevinbissingerI don't know what He's been through but I know EXACTLY what he talking about! Besides, "Soul Murder" is a term that has ALREADY been coined to mean what I mentioned.
@@randallsmerna384Have you checked out Dave McGowan's book Programmed To K? People are systematicly programmed to make them more obedient. Soul merder is same, taking you out & installing the abuser's will on you. Judith Herman calls it robotization. Also known as Stockholm Syndrome
I think I can understand what you're saying. You roared because the fear tries to overcome you. And sometimes you just have to roar. It's a taking back your power.
This is just sad to scroll through these comments, reading everyone’s comments. My heart hurts for all of you broken souls. The ones that just exist. Lives shattered. We should not be born into living a life filled with void. What is the point? Fear. Illness. Loneliness. Self hatred. Shame. These are the things that broken souls are left with. My worst fear is repeating it.
Remember there is a Divine part of your soul that can’t be injured…you actually have Divine…infinite potential to learn and overcome and heal…this can be a beautiful journey…..❤
@MichelleontheMoon My “one good day” has only nature in it. My mother is busy with something. She’s not there to spoil my imagination and my simply enjoyment. Excellent day. I’ll keep imagining this glorious day.
This is me 😢 One thing I can say is through awareness, accountability, self work, and a bit of therapy I've become more of my authentic self. So far I'm a year in, and it's wonderful. I can't wait to see the future. I'm in my 40s. It's never too late to get back to you. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
I remember my mother shooting downy dreams in childhood. I remember the conversation so clearly. From then on, I had no confidence. I tried to break the spell so many times.
She was keeping you in a box that didn't make her feel challenged by a capable, talented child. There's also the "no one did anything for me, why should I do for you?"
You mean I can actually heal? This makes so much sense, nobody has ever understood me to this fundamental level….. I listened to this and took notes and felt hopeful that everything makes sense now. Thank you.
Fr tho. Its so informative and puts everything into a way that i cant articulate but relate to. Wish i could talk to someone like this but the one time i went to a therapist it felt like they didnt really care about me and now i cant afford any therapy.
I am 56 yrs old and only recently realized that I have not EVER been safe! Not once for one minute! And i see how terribly I have failed my children. They were perfect. I needed healed before I had them.
Same! I didn't know how to properly parent my kids. I loved them,but I was so wrapped up in trying to numb my own pain that I missed out. I feel like I wasn't the parent I could have been. I had zero teaching on parenting and managing my emotions in a healthy way. It should be part of school starting in grade seven. Same with screening for making sure no kids are being bullied or abused in school or especially at home.
I read every book I could, took college courses and seminars, listen to the life experience of others to learn how to parent. I knew what NOT to do, but not what TO do. Now with the internet there is easier access to a lot of information. Good luck in your travels. ❤
I have the same feelings to my sister. I don't have kids. But I understand that I failed my sister the same as our parents did. I neglected and abused her in my childhood. I couldn't cope with all emotions and responsibilities imposed on me. I understand that I was little too but I can't forgive myself for that and I will never do
"Therefore, if I want connection, I must kill my authenticity." I was severely punished for being authentic as a small child, but I never put it in the context of rejection. Except that's exactly what it was. And it was extreme, violent rejection. I think re-framing it this way is really going to help me get over some hurdles I've been struggling with. Thank you.
@@testtest2609 Well, I've listened to Gabor Mate's interviews and lectures and didn't hone in on this at the time, so if Tim is integrating ideas from different sources, then I'm grateful to him for repeating it here because it provided the essential key to my healing that I was looking for and has greatly improved my life in a profound way.
@@testtest2609this started with John Bradshaw who came before Dick Schwartz of inner family systems. John Bradshaw was wayyy before Gabor mate. Pia melody and Bradshaw were the OGs. Gabor mate while awesome didn’t create parts work or fragmented parts. They are from the 70s
@@testtest2609 are you seriously claiming NOBODY knew trauma could be caused by punishing authenticity before Gabor Mate said it!?!??!? -- 🤷♂️ like bro, the level of stupid is so fuckin' high with you just give up. Nobody is stealing anything.
In therapy all my life never helped. This guy telling me exactly what and how I am, depressing, just life shattering. How many years do I have left to change an entire life worth of trauma ? Deep trauma. And here I thought I was doing OK.
Im 60 and still can't shake off the damage they did, even after 5 yrs therapy. Solo and group. Like gum on my shoe no matter all the new agey positive thinking crap.
Yep, gotta love narc family systems👺…..I’ve been healing for almost 9 yrs and feel soooo much better….boundaries, healthy reciprocal relationships and constant education has worked for me ❤
i’m the child who made myself feel small. if i’m quiet, and don’t upset anyone, then maybe they’ll leave me alone in my peace . it’s hurts to realize that
I've always been the one to become invisible....everyone tells me I was an outgoing child who didn't know a stranger and loved everyone....but so many times I remember being shushed or told to go play or hurt in some other way, so I learned to keep to myself. Now I'm an introvert at the age of 50.
Mom said I was a good baby because I never cried. I never cried because I learned nobody would help me, so crying was useless. I became anemic from internal bleeding, but I when I told my dad, he said my bloody bowel movements were nothing to worry about. He was a doctor.
Medical trauma and abuse is incredibly common. It’s a horrible compounding in your situation where you experience multiple betrayal, traumas, and failures to meet even basic health and medical needs. A lot of parents chose to listen to crappy advice back then instead of their body and intuition and heart. And we got a couple generations of really messed up people because of it. Love to you ❤❤
I believe you. I died at birth because I was born 6weeks early due to the trauma my mother sustained from my father beating her to try and kill me. I actually remember my death and where I went and what I saw, and yes, I was VERY UPSET because I didn't want to come back her due to the dense darkness here. @@billyb4790
Right now I am experiencing extreme disassociation and have forgotten who I am. It’s very scary. But I was the invisible one and the fixer, perfectionist.
Many of these kids become Narcissists. Perpetuating the Soul Murder on others. In a criminal way, too. Liars who "'came to kill, and to steal and destroy". ~ In, Timothy.
Relatable. Tl;dr of my story as a child I experienced every form of abuse. I still consider myself lucky. Lost all of my friends growing up, most dead or long gone. Dont be scared to cut contact from everyone whos trash in your life and never look back. They will rot while you grow.
Thank you for this. I've been bullied by my own loved ones! Idk what it is about me that they find so easy to bully. I've tried reacting,I've tried not reacting,I've tried walking away. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there's not enough love in the world. It hurts and bothers me to no end.
My parents left me at a rest stop when I was 5. I was there for 8 hours before they returned to retrieve me. It’s always there,I’m very resourceful but extremely cautious. I focus on how it benefited me and it softens the edges…..
That's awful 😢! I want to say you seem very resourceful and resilient despite the upbringing you had. That's neat. I hope you find peace and happiness.
Omg, my parents did that to me when I was really little. Except it was a gas station and it got dark after a long time, and there was a forest that creeped right up to the building. I was so so scared. I remember being terrified to go inside the gas station because there was a man working there. And then another man came to change shifts and started talking to the first man, and still I was too scared to go inside, so I just crouched down by the bricks, keeping my eyes on the forest behind me with it's scary sounds, but also keeping an eye on the gas station guy in case he saw me. That was a very long, cold dark night! When it was starting to get daylight, the first guy said well I better get home, and in that very moment I thought what if they both leave now, and then there won't be anyone to help me or let me inside if a dangerous animal came, so I decided to go inside and ask for help. Oh my, the shocked look on their faces! They had no idea I had been just outside all night. They weren't much help because they said they didn't know what to do. And then they said something about they better call the police. Then I just sat there and waited and somehow, my parents got there before the police did. I think. I really can't remember much, as I was probably only 3 or 4 maybe...
" Soul murder" is the saddest phrase I've ever heard but it's exactly what I've been doing over and over again since childhood to be able to exist in this world. 😢
I have listened to a lot of programs about trauma but listening to yours made me incredibly sad for myself, my sister, my parents and my partner. I can see now how badly affected we were in childhood and how hurt were the people who hurt us. It is a spiral . Very sad
The basic emotional needs that Tim list in the beginning have never been met for me and I'm 45. Problem is that for the most part they have to be provided by other ppl and they don't care. However I think it's very important to give those to yourself as well.
The emotional needs and growth and development is dormant or under developed or never activated or stimulated the entire emotional realm of life itself it's like having one leg that full grew and developed while the other one never grew or developed
I'm starting to wonder why the f we got punished for crying it was like these psycho parents needed a monopoly on our feelings like they needed to control us externally and internally then we can't get rid of the introject and they send us to therapy and tell us we're crazy
@@leahflower9924 I realize it was because they were narcissists -- their selfishness meant that they never want to discomfort themselves to make others happy. Love = when others' happiness makes you happy. This kind of "love" is essential to be a parent, because babies cannot even SMILE before two months age, and they certainly can't thank you or "adore" you at their most vulnerable age. People who cannot "love" (i.e. make sure that someone else is happy, even if it causes some discomfort -- lack of sleep, cleaning poo, cleaning pee, cleaning vomit, spending money if they get sick) are basically abusing their kids. A parent has to be capable of self-less love in order to properly parent. Narcissists by definition cannot love, because they NEVER put anyone else above themselves.
There is forever a sense of loneliness. I was lucky enough to find an emotionally healthy husband and at age 17 I married him, he helped me to get away from my disturbed parents. He is very kind but as he is not traumatized he doesn't really understand how their crazy talk affects me. He says just smile, nod and make a quick escape and ignore them. He can't relate to the pain and that is ok. So there is forever a sense of loneliness even when you find healthy relationships. Love and courage to you💗
I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt you had to go through as a child♥️ I'm glad you found an emotionally healthy husband, that's such a blessing. I personally have felt and even recently still feel the loneliness of how I chose to "murder my soul" as a teenager. I guess I have my faith and experience with God to cling to though. It's by no means perfect, far from it and even though my God promises that he'll never leave me or forsake me I still often feel alone. But the Holy Spirit has been leading me through this healing process slowly but surely, even I feel leading me to this video. I want to encourage you that the Lord desires to draw near to you. Closer than any other. If you'll let him. Blessings on your journey
We have suppressed our humanity through adaptation. Recovery from CPTSD involves understanding and resolving our maladaptations and coming back to our source, to our humanity. 8:00 Invisible child adaptation (denial of essential human needs, healthy desires) 20:14 Dehumanised to survive 24:45 Suppressing gut feeling, deepest instincts. 40:10 “I will not have needs, I will sacrifice to serve only the needs of others”. (Seen as correct when actually it’s a neurotic self-destructive statement.) 47:13 Losing Innocence (the seed of godliness, of living in Truth)
My adaption was to please abusive types dont tell them NO because it hurts more, they hurt more if I didn't comply. This lasted until my intuition jumped in showed me a vision of my whole lifes timeline, and I saw the Pattern I was in. I then using only my intuition changed my inner world then my outer world changed along with it. I now teach others how to do as I did, Intuition = inner tutor own free tuition! ✨️
❤me too. Thank you for sharing your experience. I believe we can all get help from ACA meetings and the safe equitable relationships that can develop there to help with healing.
@@DobermanDanK9coz abusive people do it on purpose to get benefits & free labor. They have turn it into a system and do it to society as a while thru religion, war, gang/crime taught by those on top to the poor), politics, group abuse rituals like orgies, circumcision of boys & girls, etc. Dave McGowan's book Programmed to Kīll
Pastor Tim Fletcher talks about what people do as deeply traumatised individuals and how they make self destructive decisions for themselves. As I self destructed....I knew it was happening....but had never developed dialogue to reveal, explain, understand or address it in any trusted setting. It was soul murder I engaged in most definately. Thankyou Pastor Tim Fletcher for your work on this topic. It is so desperately required. There is so much of it in my experience and observation going on.
Like the Jews in antiquity I've been wandering in the desert for most of my life. I've done lots of 12 step, therapies, read a ton of books, all the while looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack in hopes that I could find the answer to the question gnawing at my brain, what is wrong with me. There have been times where I thought that I'd found the answer but like the blind men who were describing an elephant by the part they were touching I got discouraged when my life struggles largely went on undisturbed til finally I gave up looking for answers. All the while the answers that was looking for were in my past, the very place I had vowed (subconsciously)to never return. My sense of shame wouldn't permit it. I thank my guides for putting Tim and these videos in my path. Perhaps they thought I was finally ready.
I just told my dr who told me to find a therapist for the 100th time “trying to find a therapist who understands a mother who hates and is jealous of her daughter is rare and I’m done being called a liar or exaggeration.. I think it’s so rare that female therapists ( I’m a woman I want a female therapist) literally can’t fathom having a mother like this. I’m surprised still about how many therapists literally did not believe me. Usually it’s because they met her and she is very kind and charming. Now that I’m old I don’t know why therapists don’t believe that my mom could say/do … fill in the blank.
Thanks for writing this. Most family, friends, people we know dont, or won't believe it either. The LORD bless you and heal you! Thanks again for sharing your path
Love it. i felt that way when I fOund Alice Miller. I was finally ready to be blessed by her words, her wonderful therapy, all the truth they contained and the profound healing they brought.
I was overweight and shamed for it by my mum. She also over-sexualised me so I threw myself at ANY MAN I met. And I was constantly rejected for being "fat"..... and when my mother brought a predator home I knew it was wrong, but mom still denies it happened. She still talks about her trauma, and I STILL have to SHUT UP! I have no idea what it is to be loved. What was it that I went through?
❤hey 👋 please know that you don't have to tolerate being told to "shut up" anymore. Just leave and never let them hurt you again. You matter and your feelings matter, fellow human person ❤ You deserve safe space to heal your emotions and do "complex grief" work
💖So sorry. My mum quite literally force-feeds people, my brother and I and nephew and niece from childhood, then when we get fat she locks up food behind a lock (literally, I'm not kidding) and says derogatory things. It's just so crazy! The only reason I even started thinking there is something wrong with her approach is when as a kid I went to a friend's house, and my friend's mother said they were on a diet. This diet consisted all of us cooking something delicious together and calmly eating it together, pleased with our good choices and how good it turned out. No shaming whatsoever, my friend's mum turned this "diet" into a beautiful memory for all of us. My own mum never eats with us, not when I was a child and not now everyone is aging. She just stares and keeps piling on more food. My stomach always burns when I have to eat in front of her being stared at.
If you are this kid, but you Also have physical, medical, injuries or illness(es), that prevents picking yourself back up & restructuring your sense of self & life, what then? You're not only battling beasts from the past, but current beasts. And if you have little back-up, or support, to battle the current beasts, you find yourself alone... nobody listening, nobody giving your concerns, the time of day; just like when you were a child.
Turn to Jesus Christ ,He died for the sins of the whole world, He is the healer of your mind, body,soul and spirit, He is real, it isnot a fantasy ,I know He has healed restored, loved and saved me from trauma ,emotional physical, and His word ,the Gospel of Jesus ,Christ, came to save the lost soul, broken soul, abused soul , and the Holy Spirit gives you power to live brand new lives in Christ , turn to Jesus Christ ,believe He came to give you hope ,new life in Him He Really Is the one who came to set the captive free from past trauma, future trauma ,and give you unconditional love and acceptance forgiveness of all sin, wrong doing, and give you New life, ask Jesus to give you new life in Him, learn of Him Jesus read about Him learn of Him and you will find rest peace and Joy in His perfect love that cast out all fear. This is the truth.He is God ,come in the flesh to heal all those who come to Him in faith He loves you truely. All who come to Him in humility (admit there need) He will recieve and not cast out ,not just here but in Eternity ,CRY OUT TO JESUS ,TO SAVE HEAL DELIVER YOU EMOTIONALLY, HE IS REAL 109%
My mom and her two siblings ran from bombs nearly every night in the UK (to literally survive!) during WWII. All THREE of them have BOUNDLESS and renowned creativity-with Art!!!
So I was reading or listening to somthing yesterday and the good news is that you can meet these needs now! What you do is have various adult people that provide for your diverse sets of needs that were not met by our parents and family. Find a bunch of people....(even if the are professional and you have to pay money)...a dependable person, a kind person, a gentle one, a loving one, a friendly one, an advocate, an accepting person etc. The difficulty is both recognizing your needs and finding a various group of people who can meet one or two needs to satisfy some of the numerous unmet need in your soul. In short the things we never got we can get, in bits, from the people who are in our lives. I think Leonard Shengod, MD said that...but don't quote me....
Soul murder is true, a spiritual suicide I inflicted on myself as my parents were not there to comfort me when I needed it. Yep can't resolve this pain and alone. This is my childhood and adult life but I'm trying to heal from it and reprogram.
Once upon a time this would have completely done me in to hear how accurately you've described my life. But today, through it all, what comes to mind for me is gratitude. I am grateful for every step it took for me to get to the end of myself, to realizing I can't control everything, and that I needed a powerful and loving God to guide me. Today I am able to say I thank my mom for her role in my life, for "it is not a healthy person who needs a physician". I'd rather be where I am today, trauma and all than to still be blind to Truth.
Hi Pastor Tim. You are so thoughtful, caring, and kind to be sharing all this knowledge with all of us. I can identify with so much of what you say. I greatly appreciate how deep you go into all this information. God bless you!! 🕊🕊🙏🙏❤️❤️
@@etcwhateverI didn't know he was a pastor...that explains his darkness...they always reveal some truth & keep something hidden or offer it's opposite...always a fly in the ointment to keep you dependent & giving money.
@@testtest2609 well im catholic and the priests in my parish are great and people only give money to help the social projects if they want or can do it. I cant speak for evangelicals and also even inside a determinate Church there can be saintly people and very bad people. In the end, people need to look for the knowledge. I go to my Church but i read the documents, the Bible, the doctrinal manual aka Cathecism.
I see a lot of comments from people feeling disheartened by this information. I wanted to offer some hope for those people. I can say with certainty due to my own experience that it can and it does change over time with the right therapy support. It’s not a fast process or even a smooth one. There is some pain and grief involved, because those emotions need to finally be felt and integrated. It’s worth it, as you are going to live your years anyway, why not spend them doing this crucial inner work? I have seen enormous change in myself and in the people I now attract. I also have peace and contentment in my life now and I’ve cleared the path so that I can focus on achieving my dreams rather than constantly being in survival mode. I am 41 and last year I became a psychologist - now I can help others with the same journey I have been on ☺️
OMG I lied a lot when I was young. It's crazy to hear this at 56 never heard an explanation for this......such a revelation. Tears are running for a lost life I definitely felt that my soul got murdered!! For not being able to trust anyone 100%. I have sacrificed myself my whole life. I have always denied my own needs. I never felt it easy to ask for help. I always felt I didn't matter. I became a people pleaser. Ive isolated a lot in the last 5 years! I'm trying to get out of this nightmare! I'm looking for that healthy relationships now and I'm in working progress. I'm starting to dream now Blessings for this info 🙏 with this understanding It's put a lot in perspective thankyou ❤
Check out "For Your Own Good" by Alice Miller. They have calling is parenting and had parenting guides solidified to harm children as a culture in the Western world.
@@testtest2609: in the eastern world too, and it is even worse in the eastern world. You broke the law if you go no contact with your parents in many Asian countries.
The challenge with learning to stand up for yourself later in life (40’s say) is that you may not have learned to do this appropriately. Therefore your attempts to stand up for yourself come across as aggressive, or passive aggressive, which puts you on the back foot again, with all the accompanying shame flooding back in with it.
@ keep asserting yourself. People accept that you’ll stuff up in your 20s. After each occasion, journal about it. Write what went well and what could be improved, and learn from it. At 40, people don’t give you much leeway for mistakes
I'm having TMS treatments. Great help with depression! It feels like playing cards in my head are being rearranged. I'm getting intense PTSD therapy to help find the authentic me. 'Bout time! I'm 73 yo !! Thank God psychiatry and psychology has advance so much.
😮 Thank you so much Mr. Fletcher! Although I don’t know how to implement new ways of “being” just yet…..I physically feel lighter just hearing this information. Just to know the facts allows me to step outside of myself and look at my patterns over my life. I absolutely identify with “Adapting & Existing to Survive”. Just wow. Thank You.
Wow! Just wow! I needed this. Ive been battling CPTSD for all my life but the last year has taken a toll on me. I haven’t received the therapy I need through my health insurance. I’m doing all I can to heal on my own. Thank you for taking time to post. This helps me process and move about my journey.
My mother is a selfish narcissist. I was raised by my grandparents, but in my teen years my mother was back into my life. She would call me names, despise me, tell me I was a failure and a disappointment. I was in wrong relationships because I wanted to feel loved, at 40 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve always believed cancer grew in me as a consequence of all the psychological and verbal abuse I’ve suffered in my life.
Im so sorry for for what you went through, and you're right, cancer can absolutely do that. Look into Gabor Maté if you don’t know him, his book When the Body Says No is about exactly that.
Thank you so much, Tim! You have no idea just how many people you have helped. It's more than you may know. I've been in psychotherapy since the age of 7 (I'm now 35) and no shrink has ever cut the crap and gave it to be straight. I really appreciate your insights and knowledge and how you connect the dots and address the nuances and options/paths. God bless you, sir. Thank you for sharing your gift with us in this world.
I shut down emotionally. My personality completely changed. I went from an outgoing kid to very quiet and reserved. I haven’t reverted back to my original way of being. I think the damage has changed me permanently.
I can relate! Stasi spies claimed to destroy the soul of each person. Could this family destruction be from that since the orphan trains, the lost generation, and gangstalkers too?
This is so very accurate. I was all of the above. I have healed and have offloaded that baggage that weighed me down my whole life. It took one course that was self paced over a month and involved hypnotherapy. At 57, I’m a new person - my authentic self, unburdened. It was a cathartic experience and the sense of liberation was like nothing I have ever experienced. I hope that others who are still burdened can also heal and find themselves.
Omg I feel like I've been laid bare... I refuse to lie but I have isolated from everything and everyone. Refuse to reach out to anyone. Took care of everyone. Now I'm lost and confused with no joy and peace except for my furry babies. They've never hurt me nor I them, they are the only reason I'm still breathing...Wow!
Love and courage to you! You are not alone! My pets are my angels too, their needs are so easy to meet and in return we get so much love. Their love is unconditional, this is mind-blowing for those of us that didn't receive unconditional love from parents.💗
Thank you all. We grew up in a totally different world. I over compensated with my children. Letting them know they have a voice, but also telling them words can hurt so choose them wisely and don't be cruel to other's. I was Ma grizzly and they were spoiled. Now they're privileged and think I owe them. Go figure..
@@nicholassmith7473 Sorry to hear that. Thing is, I'm extremely double-minded, and so this is how I may feel and think on some days, other days, not quite. Life has been tough, almsot a constantly battle in my mind, but I accept the fact that I may be wrong about God. And so, on some days, I do pray to him. Hold on, friend. Focus on what you DO have, the good things etc. When i do that, it lifts my mood. Take care.
This man needs to be protected at all cost. Such true and validating words. Thank you for caring so much to help us dig up our pasts and see the pain with new eyes.
Thank you for talking about this! It gives me the courage to be braver to speak up. As in many countries, the parents are still held as gods, not questionable, must be respected, even feared, to be only grateful what they gave you, sacrifice their lives for you...all those statements only pepetuate the problem. As only one problem I see is the harmful parenting, which is the only one problem of our society. As traumatised, people do traumaise others and themselves. Education on parenting is a MUST!
This is why I always loved the Star Trek character "Seven of Nine." She always said stoically "I'll adapt." Sadly we don't just do this for our "family." It goes on and on with fundamentalist group homes and unprofessional "mental health" systems.
You know, this is one of the only channels I've found that gives an empathetic viewpoint toward sufferers of NPD. And, let's be clear-- those afflicted are & have been SUFFERING due to this disorder their entire lives. Most channels instead focus on identifying narcissistic traits & exposing those possibly formally undiagnosed with NPD, then advising those around them to ostracize or abandon them, as evil individuals who aren't capable of changing. Thank you for approaching this disorder in a way that avoids stigmatzing those afflicted.
When you can be willing to lose yourself to find yourself, there you will finally know you have been safe along because it was never truly you but your ego’s attachments to survival that convinced you that this was who you needed to be instead of your authentic soul’s self. This process we call healing can’t start until you can observe your own behavioral patterns and not fear feeling your emotions. I felt the emotions of cptsd come up while listening. I took breaks to fully be present & listen. I’m so grateful this video popped up as recommended and this channel. Thank you.
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
I became a super people-pleaser. An expert at regulating others' emotions and creating peace and finding solutions for others. To accomplish this I had to always say No to myself and my needs and always say yes to others. I became no one. I ceased to exist. I was only a tool to make others feel good about themselves. I was not allowed to have boundaries but was expected to respect others' boundaries.
I woke up at 52 and learn to get to know myself for the first time. It is scary to start setting boundaries because I've been taught that if I upset anyone my life is in danger and I will be ostracized. But I'm an adult now. I will survive even if people leave.
You are not alone. I was also a super- people pleaser!! At 57, I was awoken by the fact that I had married a very abusive husband for 32 years!! I am also trying to figure out who I am. God led me out of this, and He has given me a support system that I have never had. My daughter and I went to church, at her insistence,( she's autistic and schizophrenic). We now have a church family, and we've stopped constantly moving
( Being isolated ) by the narc, and put down roots . I hope you can find a support system , too. Tim has opened my eyes to a very murky childhood that I could never figure out!! I'll be praying that you will find a safe haven and support system, and that we ALL heal, or get on the road to healing, and peace !!
Oh my, you are living parallel to me.. I to am an empathetic people pleaser. No boundaries to say no to others. Goals to please people so can feel sense of value…
I too am 52 and this information hits hard….
Sending prayers your way…
As you said we can get past this….
Good for you! And yes, we need to recognise that, now as adults, we can handle rejection and loss of attachment/love - it may hurt for a while, but it definitely won't kill us. We can recover and move on (something impossible for us when we were children.)
Same same, I woke up and I'm 44, no relationship, no children and now no job. The social pressure is so painful but I am finally understanding that this is the result of a life full of people pleasing, like you said, expert at regulating others, taking it all on me so everybody around could feel happy, safe and protected.
You are not alone, this is our recovery journey ❤
Ditto
"Soul Murder" I've never seen much accurate and drastic way of saying it
I think Pete's Walker book on the subject said the same thing. It's an accurate description.
@@madeofwar8781 which book is that you mentioned? I'd like to check it out.
It angers me that Tim stole the term "Soul Murder" which originally describes the direct consequences of sexual molestation of a child on their very existence.
He is talking about "Identity Betrayal".
Soul Murder is separate from and gravely, distinctly different from Identity Betrayal.
There were a couple of writers who used the term back in the 90’s. Not new, just lost for a while in the more materialistic view of the current era. I think there was one book with that exact title, though it didn’t blame the kid for the murder… every thinker who looks into the outcome of severe abuse frames it differently, but similarly.
It’s so profound have chills
Wow
"Shutting the gut down..." Yeah, that is VERY relatable. My whole childhood was a minefield of "this feels wrong, but what choice do I have?" I felt like a POW....
Thank you for sharing. I resonate and there's this constant feeling of being violated. Yet enduring the violation. It's very disturbing. I often say I feel I'm wearing this mask of tolerance, but in reality I'm in opposition to what is occuring.(when I say yes) I know it feels wrong yet I'm shut down.
I think a lot of us felt like POWs. Our parents held us hostage.
POW’s Unite? Let’s unlock the chains and bring peace, love and understanding. Does anyone have the key (tears streaming) ?
Me too!! I hope you find peace. It hit me in the gut. I'm glad I listened!! 😊
@@agc1161 Your description gave words to what I have trouble articulating. I feel that if I'm grey rocking that I'm actually supressing anger which is supposed to be unhealthy. But to try and establish boundaries, I have explained everything from every angle to my parents for decades. They either do no hear me, or just do not accept that I have my own tastes or any right for boundaries. Plus they get weirdly excited if we're "debating" my rights, they seem to enjoy the drama it feels quite sickly, so Grey Rock seems the least painful way to deal with them. If it was any other person I would run a mile within a couple of encounters, but can't get myself to do it with my parents, expecially because we have an 8 year old. He doesn't enjoy being with them either, I think he senses their bad mental health, but to go no contact seems so drastic. But I do end up living with this sense like you say @agc1161 of allowing myself to be constantly violated.
Love and courage to you
💗
It's scary how your parents can be your worst enemy and that's an under statement!!
Sadly so true.
Along with being their own worst enemy. So many generations of unhealed trauma.
That's correct, they only know what they know.
Besides, we chose our parents to help with our v life lessons for soul growth.
If life it's too easy... no growth.
@@c.d.6371 Certainly something to think about !! 💯
Yes they can betraid you.That is the sadest part to betraid of your own mother
I had my soul lowkey murdered under the guise of “everything will be ok just do what your told by authority” one day when you realize that adults never had their shit together, it hurts a lot
Same. I hope you find healing and peace 🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️. I hope happiness finds you. Everything you've suffered you didn't deserve. 💛
GOD DAMMIT, THIS
EXACTLY. Knowing that adults never had their shit together is the ultimate betrayal. Because today i look at my parents and see their existential misery. And as a kid i blindly believed they knew best and sacrificed myself in ways that i still dont fully understand, for something that led me to so much pain today. Its hard.
I'm not sure anybody ever gets their shit together lol.
@@LongJourneys True. But believe me, some people have most of their shit together in a way they can raise a child in an organized and purposeful way. It is possible. I myself had put togheter huge amounts of my own shit, and I see improvement everyday and life getting better. But my shit are deep and huge and heavy so I have a big way to walk and create, but it when you release shit you get more energy. Sooo yeah, the way you were raised is a curse and MOST people can never get over that because they are unable even to see the problem, and so far from the tools to solve it and the patience and resilience it requires. But there are some people who do. It is REALLY FUCKING HARD, and you need a lot of things, having financial stability for example helps that to be faster. But I should say if you can choose now don't have kids until you are minimally satisfied with your life the way it is now.
I remember as a teenager realizing my mom was trying kill my spirit 😢 so I became out of control and angry in order to save my soul. The survival mode has been a destructive force since 😢
This is exactly what happened to me. I also did the same and became scary angry to protect the real and vulnerable pain that I should have been able to reveal if there was a tiny chance she actually would have respected me and cared. I'm so sorry!
Me too until last year and finally these things took place without my knowledge at first.
Same thing happened to me...I guess it's the root of my 'anger issues'? The destructive rage has led to some mighty poor choices that I'm fixing now, but at least my spirit is still alive, so I'm not sure if I regret it or not.
same but my "father"
I heard you- when my father died my mom just checked out on alcohol. I was 8. Suffered constantly. Got into the drug scene of the 70s . Thankfully my step dad put me in a juvenile rehab at 16. Saved my life.
This dude fell from heaven bringing the post-mortem psychology to us here
The sheer magnitude of what we suffered, and continue to suffer, is staggering.
Our peace and joy is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond. I wish you the best in your healing.
It's crushing to know, but hopefully, ultimately leads to healing.
@@theroadlesstraveled3993 For some reason this comes across as, sure accurate.., but also annoying like "look the sun is shining amd there is no monster in your closet !".
Tbrh.. i find it really tiresome hearing that response after so many years. Even though you mean so well 🌼
Can we just let it be: the magnitude is staggering ?
Everyday is a battle.
✌🏽💛
@@theroadlesstraveled3993that is absolute b.s. and victim-blaming. Is this what you would tell a victim of r@pe or someone who’s had their whole family unalived or someone who was in a terrible accident? How callous, cruel and unthinking.
@@slimshany4602 I guess it depends on the person's attitude about such things and how far one has come to heal. I've been through some heavy stuff, I've worked hard and come far and this sentiment is true. Receive it or reject it, it's just how it is. I don't have time or energy to beat around the bush and sugar coat things anymore. It was meant to be positive and encouraging and if you don't like the saying, that's OK, someone else may be encouraged by it.
✌️
I suppose im a lost child. Im 42 sitting in my house after being laid off with no friends in the world or any family left watching a video reminding me of my childhood. IDK
❤❤❤
God is our faithful Father and companion. Trust and lean on Him for healing and wisdom!🙏🏻❤️
Same, it sucks
Praying for all of us “lost child” for complete restoration. It is a journey. We can do this!
This is something a healthily raised person could never ever understand. This is a lonely healing life-long journey. Telling people about the real life we went through only brings more hurt to oneself.
It is definitely lonely.
Yeah, it's not worth trying unless you know the person is very compassionate.
I couldn't agree more 💔
I never feel good after "trauma dumping" on people, but it feels like nobody SEES MY PAIN. And I am met with....remember how your trauma doesn't define you.... Or, you have a long journey ahead take it one day at a time....
I get it, not everyone was abused. I get it, therapists are there for talking but I have no money. At times I write it all down but I find myself writing it all over and over again. I can't feel anger, only sadness. I don't think I'm allowing myself to be angry.
@@GodTurnItAroundI think it helps to understand that emotions are self limiting. Suppression just increases distress
This is one of RUclips's finest moments.
🌟👍🌟
In adulthood, your physical body is 47 years old yet your emotional body is operating at the 8 year old developmental level. Especially when you needed to focus on staying alive compared to developing
Yes I’m discovering that I am exactly this, and it is such an odd predicament to have logic, knowledge, personal beliefs and preferences that seem to not get applied somehow. Then I realized the 7 year old overrides and has seniority over all things, but is hidden and you can never even find out about them for your entire life
Yes, I'm 64, high IQ like an adult but my soul is like about age 8. Interesting that age 8 shows up for both of us. 😢
@@rg1whiteywins598Same (Not Same high
IQ as you 😊) but Same in thinking a few days ago that 7 or 8 is when my soul started getting “murdered” (I was thinking “stolen” but “murdered” makes a TON of sense 😊)
What a joy to keep learning about more trauma that we have.. it's freaking depressing.
Around 8 years old for me to. My mother used weed as our babysitter.
I was terrified daily as a child. Always so scared. It made me get sick all the time and lowered my immune system.
I remember the moment I turned off my heart because I couldn’t take it anymore. I never figured out how to turn it back on. I’m 41 and still can’t feel anything.
I felt when I was a child that my mother was trying to destroy my spirit. She had been gaslighting me for as long as I can remember.
You don't know what a vacancy you carry in your heart when you know that your mother doesn't want you or love you. I'm 77 and I still have that loss in my heart. I will never get over it.
But I don't agree that the child always assumes that it's their fault. I always knew that it wasn't me. There was something wrong with her.
I didn't murder my soul. I fought back. Now I've had several psychologists tell me that I'm miraculously sane for what my parents gave me to work with.
Amazing. Glad you survived. I’ve seen some strong souls who fought back and it observably turned the tide in their lives. There aren’t many of you.
@@sandarahcatmom9897 Thank you very much for your thoughts.
I know I'm rare. It's hard to get through life as not many people, including therapists, get it like you do.
As well as the therapists I mentioned, I have had others laugh in my face.
Lately I've found that it has been the kindness of strangers that has helped me most.
I'm guessing one of the things you didn't get was unrelentlessly physically beat? It adds a whole new measure of seriousness to "you better get in line". If you fought back, you had to have been given room to fight back, in others' experiences, this wasn't an option, it led to more pain so you learn not to fight back
Same as me, I always knew it wasn't me or my fault. Ive had psychologists congratulate me..for not suiciding. I'm 66 this year, struggling again now, after a good few years.
My parents did the best that they could. They each had an alcoholic parent, who had alcoholic parent.
This is the worst part of socialization. You cut bits of yourself off little by little, you shrink more and more, and one day you discover you're just an empty shell. This is cruel and scary process that should not be normalized. You get to live at peace and people leave you be, but at what price? This is not what life is about...
oh my god exactly.
I'm the lost child. Neglectful & emotionally unavailable parents who had problems with addiction & mental illness. Then I was shamed & bullied at school by my peers for being poor & overweight. I always felt it was better to just disappear & not try to get my needs met by others. As I child I felt people weren't "safe" & not much has changed as an adult.
I've consistently had trouble with "getting help". Even when I overcame my internal denial and fear, others wouldn't pick up on just how bad I was doing/hiw serious things were, because I automatically came across as self-reliant, rational, intelligent, "sane," minimising complaints, being "objective".. I really had to break down completely(mental and physical) to finally get into a program of assistance, therapy, coaching, physical rehabilitation. I am already so much better, though still struggling with something as simple as calling a plumber for my clogged drain (after goodness knows how many DIY attempts) 🤦🏼♂️
Now you have an opportunity to heal and grow and have the life you deserve! God can make a way! Not one of us ever perfect, I strive for peace and contentment 🙏🏻❤️
Not many poor people are overweight 🤔
@irenemorley75 so basically you're calling me a liar. Thanks. Well I got news for ya, I was overweight and poor, so clearly it does happen. Everything I said is true.
@@irenemorley75 you do know kids being bullied at school for being poor is usually based on a level of poverty like second hand clothing, no brand stuff, not able to afford after school activities, vacations etc.Being poorER than their peers, not literally starving to death poor..? Also unhealthy unbalanced diets (sugar, fat and refined carbs) are cheaper than healthy fresh fruit, veg and protein rich diets, which leads to more obesity in lower income households.
Not even 20 min into this, and my childhood is being highlighted...hitting HARD
Same.
Yea it does hit you hard when it's explained properly tim is very good at that and opens the mind up that you can understand even although it hurts when you can relate to it
The algorithm is trying to really help me, thank you
Same here! 🤗
Yup. Same.
I grew up with an alcoholic father with fear based ‘discipline’ , he was in the navy and he treated my brother and me like cadets more than his children. My mother was codependent and I’m sure lived in fear also , however she always backed my dad up . The day he broke my soul is burned in my memory. I was 11 and after he had a very drunken fight with my uncle he decided he was leaving . I started crying and telling him “ please don’t leave , I love you “ he turned around with pure coldness in his eyes and told me “ well, I don’t love you “ . I still remember feeling like I was punched in the gut. I’m now 48 and I’m now just beginning to believe I am worthy of love. I cannot thank you enough for these videos. I feel hopeful for a better future now ❤
that's horrifying and cruel. Im sorry you experienced that. But look at you now huh
So sorry
I'd imagine he didn't love himself, and how he treated you was a reflection of the relationship he had with himself. I'd be willing to bet your beautiful soul and light ✨️ reminded him of everything he wasn't anymore or just believed those things about himself. He probably couldn't even see you through his own shame, much less past his own nose. You're breaking generations of trauma by healing yourself. I love that for you. Hugs.
Sending LOVE
I was told I was going to have a bath. I was 10. They both intended to torture me that day
I was naked. He locked me in. He had 6” of freezing cold water. He also had a 6 foot bamboo rod. He beat me violently. Black and deep purple welts. Covered in my own shit.
I died that day inside
June last year the healing began. I buried him I’m now 56
“Anger is our friend. Not a nice friend. Not a gentle friend. But a very, very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves. It will always tell us when it is time to act in our own best interests.”
- Julia Cameron.
We knew… always
Anger can tell you something about yourself & what you may need to change in how you respond to others. Be angry but do not sin. If your anger hurts others then that needs to change. If you feel justified in hurting others then you have a big problem.
Good one!
But if shame is your default instead of anger we can’t help ourselves.
I don't like my guilt, my shame, my fear, but I loooooove my anger. that is only beside me among all my emotions.
52 minutes and 13 seconds of nodding and saying "Yep, that too..." and realising at the end that I'm not upset by any of it because I'm dead inside.
🙏🏻❤
❤
🫶🏼
Isn't it interesting when u can see that, but not feel it? It's profound.
" if I flirt and stay beautiful I will get my need met" sad but true ,made me cry.
This explains my promiscuous behavior in my teens and twenties
I collected trophies instead of having meaningful relationships
This is the crux of sex and love addiction. Slaa saved me from breaking free of that- strongly recommend
💔
My mum did this deliberately and intentionally. I’m beginning to see that she got off on it, enjoyed it and took pleasure out if it.
I have no words.
The cycle of abuse...
@@HarmonySoldier-mg7sw me neither, thats plain awful. Take care ❤
I can relate. I think that might be an expression of generational trauma.
Then she would smile this hedeus smirk because she had so much pleasure in it. Sick.
Starting at 27:24 describes perfectly what I experienced on repeat growing up. "Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about" "Get that angry look off your face or I'll knock it off you" etc. I didn't even have to say or do anything, just having the perceived facial expression was punished. Even happy emotions were punished for being "too loud" or "selfish" or whatever other reason they wanted to use as to why I was wrong to have them. I wasn't allowed to have any emotions, any expressions on my face, any choices, any independence, but yet all the blame and responsibilities of an adult. And now here I am, wondering why I'm the way I am and can't connect to other people or have my needs met. I guess I was expected to be a robot, but they would've found something wrong with that too.
Have you heard about being the 'scapegoat'. I had similar experiences.....'take what you're given or have none'. 'Don't just stand there, do something'. ;You think you're so good don't you, you think you're better than me'. These and such other things, constantly being struck over the ear, flogged over and over with a block of wood, heck, even had to watch the cat being hung and strangled by my father....... yeah, it's all a monumental fuck up,, and the thing is, people just don't understand the paralysis inside and the struggle to survive. As an adult, people would comment on my lawn, that it was never mowed, but I had no mower and no money to pay someone. It took 7 months before anyone offered to help me. I heard someone comment and say, 'she must like it like that'. People just don't get it. Been working on changing my inner dialogue for a long time, but I keep myself to myself as I still can't form anything healthy without ruining it in some form or other, simply because I feel so needy. I wish you well and God speed your recovery.
I look at it this way. I've had the opportunity to think about this for a couple of years. Much of this is projected from what lies inside our parent that they can't handle or manage, and who I don't think see.. I ran across an article by chance about the Jezebel spirit and how it attatches to a host and they are not aware of it because of their own trauma. But the good news for people like us who feel that something's wrong, are aware of this possible presence because we feel bad about ourselves, but we really know we're not. We don't believe the behavior. To me, whatever it is, wherever it comes from, doesn't matter if we recognize that their behavior was unacceptable to Us. So that knowing is my answer. Think about it. Maybe they were lost and blind. But we refuse to be. We can try to love them. But nobody said we ever had to Like the way they acted. You don't have to feel anything. Because you know Better than to accept that about yourself. It just doesn't matter.
I am unofficially borderline so I get angry and sometimes crazy but I can't imagine saying cold hearted phrases like that it seems sadistic and so many of our ancestors said it I'm glad people are becoming more self actualized
I screened shotted your post. It is my exact experience growing up as a young child. I thank you for it.
@@bc6352 I'm sorry you experienced that, but the truth is coming out so now all of this similar trauma we experienced can be dealt with and we can begin our healing journeys. God bless you and bring healing to you
I didn’t know I was murdering my soul as a child. All I knew I had so much fear and I had to force pretend that I was brave: I wasn’t mean but I roared.
This fear has ruled my life in every way
You weren't! You were Betraying Your Identity!
Soul murder has already been coined as meaning the direct consequences of sexual molestation of a child on their very existence.
If you were murdering yourself it would be called "suicide" not "murder".
@@randallsmerna384 bud, you don't know what trauma this person went through...
@@kevinbissingerI don't know what He's been through but I know EXACTLY what he talking about! Besides, "Soul Murder" is a term that has ALREADY been coined to mean what I mentioned.
@@randallsmerna384Have you checked out Dave McGowan's book Programmed To K? People are systematicly programmed to make them more obedient. Soul merder is same, taking you out & installing the abuser's will on you. Judith Herman calls it robotization. Also known as Stockholm Syndrome
I think I can understand what you're saying. You roared because the fear tries to overcome you. And sometimes you just have to roar. It's a taking back your power.
This is just sad to scroll through these comments, reading everyone’s comments. My heart hurts for all of you broken souls. The ones that just exist. Lives shattered. We should not be born into living a life filled with void. What is the point? Fear. Illness. Loneliness. Self hatred. Shame. These are the things that broken souls are left with. My worst fear is repeating it.
Remember there is a Divine part of your soul that can’t be injured…you actually have Divine…infinite potential to learn and overcome and heal…this can be a beautiful journey…..❤
Imagine one good day about your life as vividly as possible….this exercise has greatly helped my personal healing.
@MichelleontheMoon My “one good day” has only nature in it. My mother is busy with something. She’s not there to spoil my imagination and my simply enjoyment. Excellent day. I’ll keep
imagining this glorious day.
Like the Peter Pan "happy place". That story is really a metaphor for this very struggle being discussed here.
@@KatWoodland lovely exercise, kat!!! sounds heavenly (:
@@こなた-m1oThank you for the invitation to imagine. ❤
@moonflower366 *Your* invitation :)
This is me 😢 One thing I can say is through awareness, accountability, self work, and a bit of therapy I've become more of my authentic self. So far I'm a year in, and it's wonderful. I can't wait to see the future. I'm in my 40s. It's never too late to get back to you. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
I remember my mother shooting downy dreams in childhood. I remember the conversation so clearly. From then on, I had no confidence. I tried to break the spell so many times.
❤ try ACA meetings. You can heal.
Not being able to break the spell. This is exactly how it feels to me
My mother cut ambition off whenever it was suggested
"can't say I'm not disappointed" 😬
She was keeping you in a box that didn't make her feel challenged by a capable, talented child. There's also the "no one did anything for me, why should I do for you?"
You mean I can actually heal? This makes so much sense, nobody has ever understood me to this fundamental level….. I listened to this and took notes and felt hopeful that everything makes sense now. Thank you.
Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" &
"The Body Never Lies"
Same here ❤
I'm glad this guy popped up on RUclips.
Fr tho. Its so informative and puts everything into a way that i cant articulate but relate to. Wish i could talk to someone like this but the one time i went to a therapist it felt like they didnt really care about me and now i cant afford any therapy.
@@lunablader7913 I consider everybody I meet to be a potential therapist. I get it where I can
I am 56 yrs old and only recently realized that I have not EVER been safe! Not once for one minute! And i see how terribly I have failed my children. They were perfect. I needed healed before I had them.
That's the overwhelming guilt / shame I have is, what have I done to my kids? 😢
Me neither 😢
Same! I didn't know how to properly parent my kids. I loved them,but I was so wrapped up in trying to numb my own pain that I missed out. I feel like I wasn't the parent I could have been. I had zero teaching on parenting and managing my emotions in a healthy way. It should be part of school starting in grade seven. Same with screening for making sure no kids are being bullied or abused in school or especially at home.
I read every book I could, took college courses and seminars, listen to the life experience of others to learn how to parent. I knew what NOT to do, but not what TO do. Now with the internet there is easier access to a lot of information. Good luck in your travels. ❤
I have the same feelings to my sister. I don't have kids. But I understand that I failed my sister the same as our parents did. I neglected and abused her in my childhood. I couldn't cope with all emotions and responsibilities imposed on me. I understand that I was little too but I can't forgive myself for that and I will never do
"Therefore, if I want connection, I must kill my authenticity." I was severely punished for being authentic as a small child, but I never put it in the context of rejection. Except that's exactly what it was. And it was extreme, violent rejection. I think re-framing it this way is really going to help me get over some hurdles I've been struggling with. Thank you.
This is the work of Gabor Maté. Tim doesn't give credit & steals other's work.
@@testtest2609 Well, I've listened to Gabor Mate's interviews and lectures and didn't hone in on this at the time, so if Tim is integrating ideas from different sources, then I'm grateful to him for repeating it here because it provided the essential key to my healing that I was looking for and has greatly improved my life in a profound way.
@@testtest2609this started with John Bradshaw who came before Dick Schwartz of inner family systems. John Bradshaw was wayyy before Gabor mate.
Pia melody and Bradshaw were the OGs. Gabor mate while awesome didn’t create parts work or fragmented parts. They are from the 70s
@@testtest2609 are you seriously claiming NOBODY knew trauma could be caused by punishing authenticity before Gabor Mate said it!?!??!? -- 🤷♂️ like bro, the level of stupid is so fuckin' high with you just give up. Nobody is stealing anything.
this is what is being inflicted on all of us, generation by generation, from bad to worse! Soul murder indeed...
Exactly
Until it cannot go on any further.
This describes part of my childhood to a T. This was very difficult to listen to. I'm 64 and I just want to cry for the rest of my life.
In therapy all my life never helped. This guy telling me exactly what and how I am, depressing, just life shattering. How many years do I have left to change an entire life worth of trauma ? Deep trauma. And here I thought I was doing OK.
I feel with both of you ❤
Im 60 and still can't shake off the damage they did, even after 5 yrs therapy. Solo and group. Like gum on my shoe no matter all the new agey positive thinking crap.
Me too.
💙🫂
Yep, gotta love narc family systems👺…..I’ve been healing for almost 9 yrs and feel soooo much better….boundaries, healthy reciprocal relationships and constant education has worked for me ❤
i’m the child who made myself feel small. if i’m quiet, and don’t upset anyone, then maybe they’ll leave me alone in my peace . it’s hurts to realize that
Me too-now I’m in my 30’s. When I sleep my dreams are full of people and connections, then I wake in the dark alone and sob for an hour 😢
This was me also … I wake up in the night panicked from time to time … I am on a journey of healing my inner child ❤
This doctor actually listened to his clients.
I've always been the one to become invisible....everyone tells me I was an outgoing child who didn't know a stranger and loved everyone....but so many times I remember being shushed or told to go play or hurt in some other way, so I learned to keep to myself. Now I'm an introvert at the age of 50.
Mom said I was a good baby because I never cried.
I never cried because I learned nobody would help me, so crying was useless. I became anemic from internal bleeding, but I when I told my dad, he said my bloody bowel movements were nothing to worry about.
He was a doctor.
Medical trauma and abuse is incredibly common. It’s a horrible compounding in your situation where you experience multiple betrayal, traumas, and failures to meet even basic health and medical needs. A lot of parents chose to listen to crappy advice back then instead of their body and intuition and heart. And we got a couple generations of really messed up people because of it.
Love to you ❤❤
Oh I feel this.. Protesting is pointless bc noone cares.
That’s messed up.🥹
@@theoriginal7727 yes Im pretty sure I became depressed at infancy. I'll never be able to prove it but it might as well be the case.
I believe you. I died at birth because I was born 6weeks early due to the trauma my mother sustained from my father beating her to try and kill me. I actually remember my death and where I went and what I saw, and yes, I was VERY UPSET because I didn't want to come back her due to the dense darkness here. @@billyb4790
“I’ve got to kill parts of me off internally in order to survive.” 😭 I remember doing this consciously as a teenager, and also thereafter.
Right now I am experiencing extreme disassociation and have forgotten who I am. It’s very scary. But I was the invisible one and the fixer, perfectionist.
me too
Many of these kids become Narcissists. Perpetuating the Soul Murder on others. In a criminal way, too.
Liars who "'came to kill, and to steal and destroy". ~ In, Timothy.
"...and have forgotten who I am."
A voice in my head upon reading that:
"Wow, that sounds nice."
😖
...I still don't like myself that much...
@@grmpEqweer oh I’m sorry. You are loved. And worth knowing.
Believe me, I am you! It sucks!
Relatable.
Tl;dr of my story as a child I experienced every form of abuse. I still consider myself lucky. Lost all of my friends growing up, most dead or long gone.
Dont be scared to cut contact from everyone whos trash in your life and never look back. They will rot while you grow.
Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" &
"The Body Never Lies"
Thank you for this. I've been bullied by my own loved ones! Idk what it is about me that they find so easy to bully. I've tried reacting,I've tried not reacting,I've tried walking away. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there's not enough love in the world. It hurts and bothers me to no end.
@@annehedonia156 thank you very much. I will. Sending you love and light.
The term soul-murder is actually very validating.
Yes it is.
My parents left me at a rest stop when I was 5. I was there for 8 hours before they returned to retrieve me. It’s always there,I’m very resourceful but extremely cautious. I focus on how it benefited me and it softens the edges…..
I'm so sorry you endured that.
My mother left me alone in a strange city at the park. I lost so much trust for her after that.
That’s horrifying!
That's awful 😢! I want to say you seem very resourceful and resilient despite the upbringing you had. That's neat. I hope you find peace and happiness.
Omg, my parents did that to me when I was really little. Except it was a gas station and it got dark after a long time, and there was a forest that creeped right up to the building. I was so so scared. I remember being terrified to go inside the gas station because there was a man working there. And then another man came to change shifts and started talking to the first man, and still I was too scared to go inside, so I just crouched down by the bricks, keeping my eyes on the forest behind me with it's scary sounds, but also keeping an eye on the gas station guy in case he saw me. That was a very long, cold dark night! When it was starting to get daylight, the first guy said well I better get home, and in that very moment I thought what if they both leave now, and then there won't be anyone to help me or let me inside if a dangerous animal came, so I decided to go inside and ask for help. Oh my, the shocked look on their faces! They had no idea I had been just outside all night. They weren't much help because they said they didn't know what to do. And then they said something about they better call the police. Then I just sat there and waited and somehow, my parents got there before the police did. I think. I really can't remember much, as I was probably only 3 or 4 maybe...
" Soul murder" is the saddest phrase I've ever heard but it's exactly what I've been doing over and over again since childhood to be able to exist in this world. 😢
An entire lifetime’s worth of psychotherapy in one lecture. 👏👏
This guy is spot on!
Me too! Exactly how my life has unfolded but I CHOSE not to lie or become an abuser myself, break the cycle.
I have listened to a lot of programs about trauma but listening to yours made me incredibly sad for myself, my sister, my parents and my partner. I can see now how badly affected we were in childhood and how hurt were the people who hurt us. It is a spiral . Very sad
PHENOMENAL thank you for giving language to our soul and supporting us on finding freedom and peace.
The basic emotional needs that Tim list in the beginning have never been met for me and I'm 45. Problem is that for the most part they have to be provided by other ppl and they don't care. However I think it's very important to give those to yourself as well.
The emotional needs and growth and development is dormant or under developed or never activated or stimulated the entire emotional realm of life itself it's like having one leg that full grew and developed while the other one never grew or developed
I'm starting to wonder why the f we got punished for crying it was like these psycho parents needed a monopoly on our feelings like they needed to control us externally and internally then we can't get rid of the introject and they send us to therapy and tell us we're crazy
@@leahflower9924 I realize it was because they were narcissists -- their selfishness meant that they never want to discomfort themselves to make others happy. Love = when others' happiness makes you happy. This kind of "love" is essential to be a parent, because babies cannot even SMILE before two months age, and they certainly can't thank you or "adore" you at their most vulnerable age. People who cannot "love" (i.e. make sure that someone else is happy, even if it causes some discomfort -- lack of sleep, cleaning poo, cleaning pee, cleaning vomit, spending money if they get sick) are basically abusing their kids. A parent has to be capable of self-less love in order to properly parent. Narcissists by definition cannot love, because they NEVER put anyone else above themselves.
There is forever a sense of loneliness. I was lucky enough to find an emotionally healthy husband and at age 17 I married him, he helped me to get away from my disturbed parents. He is very kind but as he is not traumatized he doesn't really understand how their crazy talk affects me. He says just smile, nod and make a quick escape and ignore them. He can't relate to the pain and that is ok. So there is forever a sense of loneliness even when you find healthy relationships. Love and courage to you💗
I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt you had to go through as a child♥️
I'm glad you found an emotionally healthy husband, that's such a blessing. I personally have felt and even recently still feel the loneliness of how I chose to "murder my soul" as a teenager. I guess I have my faith and experience with God to cling to though. It's by no means perfect, far from it and even though my God promises that he'll never leave me or forsake me I still often feel alone. But the Holy Spirit has been leading me through this healing process slowly but surely, even I feel leading me to this video. I want to encourage you that the Lord desires to draw near to you. Closer than any other. If you'll let him. Blessings on your journey
We have suppressed our humanity through adaptation. Recovery from CPTSD involves understanding and resolving our maladaptations and coming back to our source, to our humanity.
8:00 Invisible child adaptation
(denial of essential human needs, healthy desires)
20:14 Dehumanised to survive
24:45 Suppressing gut feeling, deepest instincts.
40:10 “I will not have needs, I will sacrifice to serve only the needs of others”.
(Seen as correct when actually it’s a neurotic self-destructive statement.)
47:13 Losing Innocence (the seed of godliness, of living in Truth)
My adaption was to please abusive types dont tell them NO because it hurts more, they hurt more if I didn't comply.
This lasted until my intuition jumped in showed me a vision of my whole lifes timeline, and I saw the Pattern I was in.
I then using only my intuition changed my inner world then my outer world changed along with it.
I now teach others how to do as I did,
Intuition = inner tutor own free tuition! ✨️
Have you come to an understanding as to why it was abusive people?
❤me too. Thank you for sharing your experience. I believe we can all get help from ACA meetings and the safe equitable relationships that can develop there to help with healing.
How please help. I've been a abused by a narc and I think part of me is lost.
@@DobermanDanK9coz abusive people do it on purpose to get benefits & free labor. They have turn it into a system and do it to society as a while thru religion, war, gang/crime taught by those on top to the poor), politics, group abuse rituals like orgies, circumcision of boys & girls, etc. Dave McGowan's book Programmed to Kīll
@@KatherineJoySalduaCheck out Dave McGowan's book Programmed To Kìll, IFS, DID alters, ritual abuse, Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good"
Pastor Tim Fletcher talks about what people do as deeply traumatised individuals and how they make self destructive decisions for themselves. As I self destructed....I knew it was happening....but had never developed dialogue to reveal, explain, understand or address it in any trusted setting. It was soul murder I engaged in most definately. Thankyou Pastor Tim Fletcher for your work on this topic. It is so desperately required. There is so much of it in my experience and observation going on.
The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.
I'm murdering myself as we speak. The abuse I endured never let me heal.
Anger is your soul screaming that you need to wake up and see the wrongs that are being forced upon you.
Like the Jews in antiquity I've been wandering in the desert for most of my life. I've done lots of 12 step, therapies, read a ton of books, all the while looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack in hopes that I could find the answer to the question gnawing at my brain, what is wrong with me. There have been times where I thought that I'd found the answer but like the blind men who were describing an elephant by the part they were touching I got discouraged when my life struggles largely went on undisturbed til finally I gave up looking for answers. All the while the answers that was looking for were in my past, the very place I had vowed (subconsciously)to never return. My sense of shame wouldn't permit it.
I thank my guides for putting Tim and these videos in my path. Perhaps they thought I was finally ready.
❤ACA is a helpful meeting for working to grieve the past and thriving here and now.
I just told my dr who told me to find a therapist for the 100th time “trying to find a therapist who understands a mother who hates and is jealous of her daughter is rare and I’m done being called a liar or exaggeration.. I think it’s so rare that female therapists ( I’m a woman I want a female therapist) literally can’t fathom having a mother like this.
I’m surprised still about how many therapists literally did not believe me. Usually it’s because they met her and she is very kind and charming.
Now that I’m old I don’t know why therapists don’t believe that my mom could say/do … fill in the blank.
Thanks for writing this. Most family, friends, people we know dont, or won't believe it either.
The LORD bless you and heal you!
Thanks again for sharing your path
Sometimes, one has to heal a LOT in recovery BEFORE opening the Pandora's box of childhood.. ✌️ Be still.
Love it. i felt that way when I fOund Alice Miller. I was finally ready to be blessed by her words, her wonderful therapy, all the truth they contained and the profound healing they brought.
I was overweight and shamed for it by my mum. She also over-sexualised me so I threw myself at ANY MAN I met. And I was constantly rejected for being "fat"..... and when my mother brought a predator home I knew it was wrong, but mom still denies it happened. She still talks about her trauma, and I
STILL have to SHUT UP! I have no idea what it is to be loved. What was it that I went through?
Abuse and colonialism , as is their "food (prn)" and "med" marketing?
❤hey 👋 please know that you don't have to tolerate being told to "shut up" anymore. Just leave and never let them hurt you again. You matter and your feelings matter, fellow human person ❤ You deserve safe space to heal your emotions and do "complex grief" work
She outsourced her responsibilty for you to others. Misery loves company...
It sounds like your mother was a narcissist. If you look up some videos about this it will shed more light on what you endured.
💖So sorry. My mum quite literally force-feeds people, my brother and I and nephew and niece from childhood, then when we get fat she locks up food behind a lock (literally, I'm not kidding) and says derogatory things. It's just so crazy! The only reason I even started thinking there is something wrong with her approach is when as a kid I went to a friend's house, and my friend's mother said they were on a diet. This diet consisted all of us cooking something delicious together and calmly eating it together, pleased with our good choices and how good it turned out. No shaming whatsoever, my friend's mum turned this "diet" into a beautiful memory for all of us. My own mum never eats with us, not when I was a child and not now everyone is aging. She just stares and keeps piling on more food. My stomach always burns when I have to eat in front of her being stared at.
If you are this kid, but you Also have physical, medical, injuries or illness(es), that prevents picking yourself back up & restructuring your sense of self & life, what then? You're not only battling beasts from the past, but current beasts. And if you have little back-up, or support, to battle the current beasts, you find yourself alone... nobody listening, nobody giving your concerns, the time of day; just like when you were a child.
Well done on having sense enough to have gotten out of that!
That's exactly my situation too...
Yes, autistic and disabled here. I surrender to the mercy and love of Jesus Christ.
Turn to Jesus Christ ,He died for the sins of the whole world, He is the healer of your mind, body,soul and spirit, He is real, it isnot a fantasy ,I know He has healed restored, loved and saved me from trauma ,emotional physical, and His word ,the Gospel of Jesus ,Christ, came to save the lost soul, broken soul, abused soul , and the Holy Spirit gives you power to live brand new lives in Christ , turn to Jesus Christ ,believe He came to give you hope ,new life in Him He Really Is the one who came to set the captive free from past trauma, future trauma ,and give you unconditional love and acceptance forgiveness of all sin, wrong doing, and give you New life, ask Jesus to give you new life in Him, learn of Him Jesus read about Him learn of Him and you will find rest peace and Joy in His perfect love that cast out all fear. This is the truth.He is God ,come in the flesh to heal all those who come to Him in faith He loves you truely. All who come to Him in humility (admit there need) He will recieve and not cast out ,not just here but in Eternity ,CRY OUT TO JESUS ,TO SAVE HEAL DELIVER YOU EMOTIONALLY, HE IS REAL 109%
My mom and her two siblings ran from bombs nearly every night in the UK (to literally survive!) during WWII. All THREE of them have BOUNDLESS and renowned creativity-with Art!!!
So I was reading or listening to somthing yesterday and the good news is that you can meet these needs now! What you do is have various adult people that provide for your diverse sets of needs that were not met by our parents and family. Find a bunch of people....(even if the are professional and you have to pay money)...a dependable person, a kind person, a gentle one, a loving one, a friendly one, an advocate, an accepting person etc. The difficulty is both recognizing your needs and finding a various group of people who can meet one or two needs to satisfy some of the numerous unmet need in your soul. In short the things we never got we can get, in bits, from the people who are in our lives. I think Leonard Shengod, MD said that...but don't quote me....
The soul murder, so sad, piece by piece.
Soul murder is true, a spiritual suicide I inflicted on myself as my parents were not there to comfort me when I needed it. Yep can't resolve this pain and alone. This is my childhood and adult life but I'm trying to heal from it and reprogram.
Once upon a time this would have completely done me in to hear how accurately you've described my life. But today, through it all, what comes to mind for me is gratitude. I am grateful for every step it took for me to get to the end of myself, to realizing I can't control everything, and that I needed a powerful and loving God to guide me. Today I am able to say I thank my mom for her role in my life, for "it is not a healthy person who needs a physician". I'd rather be where I am today, trauma and all than to still be blind to Truth.
Good realization. You're a very wise and insightful person.x
Hi Pastor Tim. You are so thoughtful, caring, and kind to be sharing all this knowledge with all of us. I can identify with so much of what you say. I greatly appreciate how deep you go into all this information. God bless you!! 🕊🕊🙏🙏❤️❤️
💖💖💖
Hes a pastor like an evangelical priest? 😮
Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" &
"The Body Never Lies"
@@etcwhateverI didn't know he was a pastor...that explains his darkness...they always reveal some truth & keep something hidden or offer it's opposite...always a fly in the ointment to keep you dependent & giving money.
@@testtest2609 well im catholic and the priests in my parish are great and people only give money to help the social projects if they want or can do it. I cant speak for evangelicals and also even inside a determinate Church there can be saintly people and very bad people. In the end, people need to look for the knowledge. I go to my Church but i read the documents, the Bible, the doctrinal manual aka Cathecism.
I see a lot of comments from people feeling disheartened by this information. I wanted to offer some hope for those people. I can say with certainty due to my own experience that it can and it does change over time with the right therapy support. It’s not a fast process or even a smooth one. There is some pain and grief involved, because those emotions need to finally be felt and integrated. It’s worth it, as you are going to live your years anyway, why not spend them doing this crucial inner work? I have seen enormous change in myself and in the people I now attract. I also have peace and contentment in my life now and I’ve cleared the path so that I can focus on achieving my dreams rather than constantly being in survival mode. I am 41 and last year I became a psychologist - now I can help others with the same journey I have been on ☺️
I don’t know how you came to be so knowledgeable in this field, but you are absolutely amazing
He probably went through it too
Completely agree. These videos have been immensely eye opening.
The last 5 min is the choice we all must make… that we deserve better and more
This is hitting hard on the Scorpio full moon....I will let myself feel the pain, I will let it pass through me, and I will let it all go.
OMG I lied a lot when I was young. It's crazy to hear this at 56 never heard an explanation for this......such a revelation. Tears are running for a lost life I definitely felt that my soul got murdered!! For not being able to trust anyone 100%. I have sacrificed myself my whole life. I have always denied my own needs. I never felt it easy to ask for help. I always felt I didn't matter. I became a people pleaser. Ive isolated a lot in the last 5 years! I'm trying to get out of this nightmare! I'm looking for that healthy relationships now and I'm in working progress. I'm starting to dream now Blessings for this info 🙏 with this understanding It's put a lot in perspective thankyou ❤
I feel exactly the same 😢. Hope you're healing ❤
@@sairaashford2243 I’m healing yes. Seems a never ending mission though!!
And this has been passed down from generation to generation!!! Thankful to have found this 🙏🏾
Check out "For Your Own Good" by Alice Miller. They have calling is parenting and had parenting guides solidified to harm children as a culture in the Western world.
@@testtest2609: in the eastern world too, and it is even worse in the eastern world. You broke the law if you go no contact with your parents in many Asian countries.
Nothing left
This so painful to listen to, he went through all the process of a slow death.
I am here, grieving the death of my soul 💔
Go to the one who came to resurrect our souls and bring life, our life abundant. Seek, knock, ask!
The challenge with learning to stand up for yourself later in life (40’s say) is that you may not have learned to do this appropriately.
Therefore your attempts to stand up for yourself come across as aggressive, or passive aggressive, which puts you on the back foot again, with all the accompanying shame flooding back in with it.
exactly.
At twenty-something, this is currently happening. Any suggestions?
@ keep asserting yourself. People accept that you’ll stuff up in your 20s. After each occasion, journal about it. Write what went well and what could be improved, and learn from it.
At 40, people don’t give you much leeway for mistakes
I'm having TMS treatments. Great help with depression! It feels like playing cards in my head are being rearranged. I'm getting intense PTSD therapy to help find the authentic me. 'Bout time! I'm 73 yo !! Thank God psychiatry and psychology has advance so much.
This guy is pretty much articulating my life, he's speaking my experiences with intimate relationships to a T
😮 Thank you so much Mr. Fletcher! Although I don’t know how to implement new ways of “being” just yet…..I physically feel lighter just hearing this information. Just to know the facts allows me to step outside of myself and look at my patterns over my life. I absolutely identify with “Adapting & Existing to Survive”. Just wow. Thank You.
Wow! Just wow! I needed this. Ive been battling CPTSD for all my life but the last year has taken a toll on me. I haven’t received the therapy I need through my health insurance. I’m doing all I can to heal on my own. Thank you for taking time to post. This helps me process and move about my journey.
Bless you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
My mother is a selfish narcissist. I was raised by my grandparents, but in my teen years my mother was back into my life. She would call me names, despise me, tell me I was a failure and a disappointment. I was in wrong relationships because I wanted to feel loved, at 40 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve always believed cancer grew in me as a consequence of all the psychological and verbal abuse I’ve suffered in my life.
It’s been proven statistically that our bodies suffer from all types of abuse.
💖So sorry. Love and courage to you.
Im so sorry for for what you went through, and you're right, cancer can absolutely do that. Look into Gabor Maté if you don’t know him, his book When the Body Says No is about exactly that.
Thank you so much, Tim! You have no idea just how many people you have helped. It's more than you may know. I've been in psychotherapy since the age of 7 (I'm now 35) and no shrink has ever cut the crap and gave it to be straight. I really appreciate your insights and knowledge and how you connect the dots and address the nuances and options/paths. God bless you, sir. Thank you for sharing your gift with us in this world.
Never have I heard so many truths spoken so fluidly
I have two siblings. This encompasses all of us perfectly. It’s so sad but provides a baseline for healing.
I shut down emotionally. My personality completely changed. I went from an outgoing kid to very quiet and reserved. I haven’t reverted back to my original way of being. I think the damage has changed me permanently.
I can relate! Stasi spies claimed to destroy the soul of each person. Could this family destruction be from that since the orphan trains, the lost generation, and gangstalkers too?
There is not enough words or ways to say thank you for these videos. Thank you very, very much!
I'm always grateful for your talks. 🙏
This is one of the most helpful videos that allows me to understand what happened and how to fix it
Me too 🎁🙏💗💗💗💗💗
"Had to become less human. " because we were left in the hands of monsters.
You are amazing and helping me so much. Every word u say is me!
Me too😢
Im there too
36:19 Imo there really needs to be a distinction between being let down and being betrayed.
Yes
This is so very accurate. I was all of the above. I have healed and have offloaded that baggage that weighed me down my whole life. It took one course that was self paced over a month and involved hypnotherapy. At 57, I’m a new person - my authentic self, unburdened. It was a cathartic experience and the sense of liberation was like nothing I have ever experienced. I hope that others who are still burdened can also heal and find themselves.
"Adapting" simply means trying to fit in - which is a most stressful way to live.
Omg I feel like I've been laid bare... I refuse to lie but I have isolated from everything and everyone. Refuse to reach out to anyone. Took care of everyone. Now I'm lost and confused with no joy and peace except for my furry babies. They've never hurt me nor I them, they are the only reason I'm still breathing...Wow!
❤❤
Love and courage to you! You are not alone! My pets are my angels too, their needs are so easy to meet and in return we get so much love. Their love is unconditional, this is mind-blowing for those of us that didn't receive unconditional love from parents.💗
Thank you so much. I'm trying to reunite with my younger self that gave up the ghost from horrible trauma. ❤
Sending you peace 🕊️. And healing vibes. Hopefully happiness finds you.x
Thank you all. We grew up in a totally different world. I over compensated with my children. Letting them know they have a voice, but also telling them words can hurt so choose them wisely and don't be cruel to other's. I was Ma grizzly and they were spoiled. Now they're privileged and think I owe them. Go figure..
This was absolutely painful to hear how terrible our parents completely FAILED us.
And thier parents failed them and thier parents failed them all the way back originally 6000 years ago. It takes a miracle to break the pattern. Pray.
@@phoenixaz8431 I feel more or less the same way
@@nicholassmith7473 Sorry to hear that. Thing is, I'm extremely double-minded, and so this is how I may feel and think on some days, other days, not quite. Life has been tough, almsot a constantly battle in my mind, but I accept the fact that I may be wrong about God. And so, on some days, I do pray to him. Hold on, friend. Focus on what you DO have, the good things etc. When i do that, it lifts my mood. Take care.
@@lisacurtis8162so it was all good before 6,000 years ago maybe it was hunter gatherer types sound less toxic than civilization
It's been hurting me for my whole life. Just sucks hearing it explained out loud
This man needs to be protected at all cost. Such true and validating words. Thank you for caring so much to help us dig up our pasts and see the pain with new eyes.
Heartbreaking. Thank you so much for so eloquently and gently delivering this painful information. God bless you 🙏🏼
Thank you for talking about this! It gives me the courage to be braver to speak up. As in many countries, the parents are still held as gods, not questionable, must be respected, even feared, to be only grateful what they gave you, sacrifice their lives for you...all those statements only pepetuate the problem. As only one problem I see is the harmful parenting, which is the only one problem of our society. As traumatised, people do traumaise others and themselves. Education on parenting is a MUST!
My mom was a narcissist, i fearfully obeyed her, at83 she still is , I am kind to her but distant , don’t share much info
This is why I always loved the Star Trek character "Seven of Nine." She always said stoically "I'll adapt."
Sadly we don't just do this for our "family." It goes on and on with fundamentalist group homes and unprofessional "mental health" systems.
This describes my life perfectly. i never knew why I was the way I was. This helps me tremendously. How I got this way!!!
Thank you!!!!You gave me another hint to my chronic sickness!!
Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" &
"The Body Never Lies"
You know, this is one of the only channels I've found that gives an empathetic viewpoint toward sufferers of NPD. And, let's be clear-- those afflicted are & have been SUFFERING due to this disorder their entire lives. Most channels instead focus on identifying narcissistic traits & exposing those possibly formally undiagnosed with NPD, then advising those around them to ostracize or abandon them, as evil individuals who aren't capable of changing. Thank you for approaching this disorder in a way that avoids stigmatzing those afflicted.
This video has power. It is a true blessing of wisdom. Thanks for sharing ❤
When you can be willing to lose yourself to find yourself, there you will finally know you have been safe along because it was never truly you but your ego’s attachments to survival that convinced you that this was who you needed to be instead of your authentic soul’s self. This process we call healing can’t start until you can observe your own behavioral patterns and not fear feeling your emotions. I felt the emotions of cptsd come up while listening. I took breaks to fully be present & listen. I’m so grateful this video popped up as recommended and this channel. Thank you.