💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
As soon as I started to heal the shame I could identify with, I finally started WAKING up. Now I am finding all of this wonderful information. So much life lost, but now I am moving in an upward direction. Thank you!
I don't think much life is lost. Maybe now you have the tools to be prepared to overcome any new obstacles that you didn't have before. You have a lot of life experience that makes you very empathic towards yourself and others :)
I have never felt more grateful for never having fathered a child. I think that every person I know has trauma originating in their early childhood years, not excluding myself. Our human condition seems to be a complex web of difficulties. Wishing peace to each and every person existing in this world.
@@rickywaynehuntIf you really loved children, you would take time to self reflection and heal before having kids. That's called conscious parenting, being fully alive to the experience
That's a very cynical and sad view on life and people. Jesus has covered it all - we can rely on Him to help us through our challenges and troubles. He's perfect love and peace. Shalom.
. If you really love children you should go out of your way to help them. The problem is adults aren't interested in anyone but themselves. It's me me me me all day long.
This man is Gold, pure pure Gold. Educational programs in schools need to change and bring such studies adjusted for kids of course to help them to grow healthy and learn how to be productive members of society, studies as self-development and what is love and how to build healthy relationships, how to raise kids. I was listening yesterday his series about love and I was blown away. Please find his series about Re-Perrenting/Love. So many people grow up and are clueless about any of those things because we grew up so messed up from our parents. We need The Change in schools and teach kids what is really important along the sides with budgeting, investments, money studies.
The governments on purpose keep people ignorant bc they can control them this way. When u have problems u Don t care what corruption governments r doing
As someone recovering from both addiction and trauma I can attest this channel and content is legit. Glad I found it, for me recovery never ends. I need constant reminders that I'm good and what selfish behaviors will lead to relapse etc
This was hands down the best teaching I’ve heard on Shame. I’m going to jot notes, really digest what was spoken and share this message. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Praise God for the revelations and healing that will come to everyone who is hungry for healing and truth.🙌🏻
Insight demands instant change. If you write it down, it will need your biased analysis, and in the process, you will distort the very tool that was meant to set you and yours free from this horror of what shame does.
This series, and in particular this episode, is my life story. Gratefully, I have been working on these issues for about 30 years and have come a very long way .... the Grace of Jesus and understanding these issues have been my lifeline....gotta admit, this is difficult to listen to without a bit of pain coming back up.
This is so spot on it’s like taking a bullet to the chest. Thank you Tim for speaking truth and clarity to my life. I’ve gone 40 years without knowing this.💔
A sensitive man is like a vegetarian. He is on a journey of wholesome. He does not oppress the very tool that can cure some roots of trauma. Men understanding how shame has altered their ID is a breath of fresh air.
37;00 reminds me of Father Sergius, a short story by Leo Tolstoy. Another human being that is interested in healing the human consciousness by looking at what its contents cause is. Shame is a content of consciousness, and with it, we are conditioned to become what we are not.
This the best lecture i have ever heard about shame, i burst in tears several time. Tim Fletcher was my today's finding, i have just read a comment on another video, someone was encouraging to listen to Tim Fletcher, many thanks to that person
Man, I just don't have the words to describe how this video made me feel (and the previous video in this playlist). Like, it's teaching me to finally understand myself and my life. Thank you
I once told my husband re his Mother: I don’t want gifts, I want to be treated with respect. This brought a look of horror and no comment from him. 😢 Now I get it.
Thank you. This video just saved my life and is causing me to change my negative core beliefs about myself that were instilled into me via abuse, and I now have a new positive life trajectory. I feel immense gratitude for this life changing video. Thank you.
Thank you all for putting this material out. I've been listening to a good number of your video's, like this 2 part series, and it is all hitting so very close to home. My eyes, and heart, are being opened wider than I had ever thought possible, while giving that much more clarity in the work and help I need to heal, grow, and live a better, more fulfilling life. Thank you again, so very much
Shame is the core belief about your identity that you're not good enough in various ways. Thank you for laying it out so clearly. I couldn't even define shame other than to say embarrassment before listening to you.
I'm raising my granddaughter because she had abusive parents. They both told her she was the reason for their divorce. She's now 15 and having flashbacks of things they said and did to her. She cries herself to sleep at night. She is seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to help. She is also court ordered to have supervised visits with her mother. I have trouble getting her to go.
@@elainehiggins713 You need to self reflect on your role as well. Self healing will take you to a place where you can help your grandchild. I was sexually abused as a child, my husband ( severe borderline narcissist) probably too. Between the two, our toxic anger has hurt the children. We all need to heal our inner child.
@@ArchAngel435 I was raised by a narcissist. I instinctively knew to raise my four children the opposite from the way I was raised. It was my number one priority in life. I was determined not to pass the pain to future generations. All four of my children are responsible, kind individuals. My daughter (the only one with children) is exceptionally so.
Brilliant! I often hear a debate about shame the emotion vs. Shame the belief. Your presentation is spot on: it's both a belief and an emotion that follows the belief! These talks are life changing! Thank you
Thank you for another enlightening lesson. Your lessons have help in connecting so many complex trauma issues in my life and I'm thank you so much for your passion and expertise. 🙏
4:35 Guilt describes an action. Shame desecibes a feeling. If I change my behavior, then I can escape guilt. Reparenting is rhe only way to overcome shane. Children altogether lack this adult capacity to overcome. 9:45 Identity issues fall from neglect. We question our worth as children. This requires reparenting. I have been actively reprenting myself for years. I only just found Tim Fletcher. I cannot wait to see what happens as I continue to heal, only now I have help. 11:10 Distorted mirrors. Am I four feet tall? A friend's mirror at her or his house shows something else. Well, the conclusion is this new mirror is wrong. My family mirror shows me as I am. They give me the truth. Yeah, not so often. My family lied to me to my face year after year. I am 48 years old. I have no idea how I lasted so long.
I would word it as "guilt is appropriate if we've done something truly wrong (violated God's laws), shame is an attack on our self-worth and not God's way of motivating his children."
Pastor Fletcher, Yes, the devil is in the details; all 42 you listed. Number 27, especially resonates with me. The Shame within my husband is so deep….for decades he has refused therapy. This ruined our marriage and our entire family life more than I can say. Thank you for teaching us and helping us to understand that by grace, we can heal.
My story too. Borderline narcissistic husband. Married for 26 yrs, before he exited with a "crutch" instead to self reflecting in the hurt he had caused me and the children
I cried after watching this video. I've been growing up with this gigantic burden called shame without even realizing it. I'm 29 now, and I've only started getting to know my real self and changing my life for the better. So grateful to Tim for these videos. Nothing has ever helped me more than this. Thank you so much for all the knowledge you share with us and your compassion ❤🩹
I never blamed myself for my parents' issues. Not even once. I don't know where that came from as young as four-years-old but it's my truth. I never ever thought that.
38:52 "Shame's impulse is that I must hide" oh my fg. I'm 31 since april 2024 and only discovered by digging into Gabor Mate in december 2022 that I didn't have ' ADHD' but rather has a huge amount of damaged self caused by childhood trauma. It's super weird to hear all these traits in the 1/3 video and now all these things related to Shame. Never ever have I thought to put the Shame label on this. But its soooo insightfull. I can relate with 95% of what is beeign said. Which would be great if it wasn't such a depressing topic. I never went to therapy or anything like that 'cause i'm a strong person'. But this stuff is really opening my eyes that i really need to seek help, learn about these things and get better if I ever wanna live a real full life.
As a nanny, you are teaching me. You are sending me away with tools to mend the walls of my community to stop the building from crumbling into pieces. As a jury service practitioner this season you are making it tough, because what I now know about little 't' trauma has mutated me.I thank you.
Thank you. This all makes sense. I'll share your channel and encourage people to start looking at this Playlist and anything that they choose to watch to learn to help them.
Very well said. Shame is a club to manipulate people by threatening them with a lower worth, or to demean and de-value them. 5his isn't God's way of motivating his children. Tim does a great job of demonstrating the better way: focus on consequences. Change behavior by studying and teaching the real consequences of an action, not threatening to devalue their self-worth. God's commandments weren't given arbitrarily. They're commandments because acting contrary to them has real negative, self-destructive consequences.
Or parents who simply did not have the ability to give. Whatever. They could not give what they did not have. Sometimes that they could see, possibly could meet but didn't for meanness or whatever. And also for not meeting needs they could not even see.
Yes yes I completely agree. My parents are immigrants. I see and know my parents couldn't give me what they didn't have. I am talking emotionally, availability. I recognize how this put me on a particular course. But God, He is healing me and mending my wounds. These videos are extremely helpful as well
The part about "follow me"...makes me think of Jesus' usage of sheep and shepherd. Option B is like how people tend to be lost and to follow every little thing. Jesus initiates the contact with us. He is amazing.
This is why some people say you should have no self and others say you need a stronger self or self esteem.❤ both are need if you towards neurosis you need more self esteem if you leand narc personality you need less ego.
Great teachings on shame! Thank you!!! Unfortunately, some people with shame-inducing childhood trauma just get a distorted mirror in christian churhes - they tell you all the time, what a sinner you are, you are even born bad. (On the other hand, jewish teaching says, you are born good.)
The Bible says that we are born sinners. Thus the need for Christ. Jews don't have Christ. They have sacrificial rituals that they must do to cleanse themselves. Their cleansing is temporary. Their offering is consumed, or rotted, and they need to do it again. Since Christ is eternal, His sacrificial offering of Himself never ends.
wow... well that wasn't easy to listen to... but then that's it... that's what it is... and its upsetting... but its also ok? (lots of emotions and even dizziness but ok) might have to go through that again in a few days time and I guess its oK because if it is this well then it also isn't really me; or it isn't really about me - it never was
How does enmenshment inform core beliefs? My mother and I were heavily enmeshed when I was younger. Still coming out of this. I do believe I have CT as a result but I can't quite identify how this has shaped my core beliefs. I think on some level I took on my mother's identity bc I did not have my own. Very interesting.
💖I am sorry. Me too. In my case my it's obvious to this day my mum really doesn't want me to have my own identity. Anything she doesn't do exactly the same she says: "That's not the right way to do it, that's not the correct way to feel about this." Somehow I was just born wrong, according to her. I've been suspicious of nice people all my life, the kindness of strangers is almost painful wondering why my own parents think I'm no good.
Well, I do wonder how many therapists have told my sadistic covert malignant narcissist ex-husband he's a wonderful person. He had the "I'm just a poor, humble sinner who makes mistakes but I'm trying my earnest best" public persona down pat. The private, behind-closed-doors, mask-off man was considerably uglier but boy, did people fall for it. I was lectured incessantly by therapists, especially after I told them he was abusive and gave specific examples. Therapists aren't high on my list of intelligent life in the universe, so, yes, I meet their "you're a terrific person" comments with some skepticism. How would they know?
Can you talk about shame and relationships failing cause we take on a secondary role and by putting others in the primary and why it causes shame and failure in relationships.
Highly painful information and it’s funny for sounding logical and obvious while I’ve been completely blind to it in myself. You can gloss over darker parts of childhood but that takes energy and if there is a point in time where you have become overwhelmed and drained, that’s when the hidden reality blooms into awareness with the same level of feeling. It is better to try to deal with this stuff before you hit harder struggles.
My dad treated me best he was the best daddy ever he gave me unconditional love played took us trips but why was my narcissistic schizophrenic abusive mother more affecting than him?
I thank u doctor for exposing these traits of shame. Its so eye opening. But, I wonder.. how should we overcome these behaviours? By going in tla different direction of them? I.e:. If Im timid, shy, should I expose myself to more people?
Lots of good stuff, but as a child of divorce trust me, staying together can (and probably will) do way more harm than divorce. Healthy and ethical separation is also something that needs to be taught when things dont work out.
I have watch a lot of his videos and forgot which one it’s on but yes he does teach that. I am going though a divorce were there was abuse and he does validate that it is worse for kids under those circumstances
Hi, thank you for videos, very much appreciate. so our parents/family are pretty much responsible for not giving everything a child needs. but i don't think they could do it. i find almost impossible to raise a child impeccably because the generation before also "damaged" their children e and so on back. i believe that if the parents have had therapy work and they understood all the process and with so much information available now days, they could avoid some damages but not ALL. I am totally wrong??
No. I love this and agree in most cases. It's wonderful if we can land in a healing place where we can say, "Our parents did the best they could with the tools they had". Admittedly, there are just some bad parents out there though.
(URGENT) That's the biggest problem I have been struggling with getting over. My husband and my daughter would, lets say pointing out my problems. I have problems of even looking into a mirror at myself. All I see is ugly. Once I got over the idea that I was not to blame I got over the guilt. But it's forgiving myself. I have seizures and my family has refused to help me. So now I'm struggling with going on. I feel that I'm the problem because I can't stop my seizures. I'm still waiting to get in somewhere for trauma help. It's been almost a year. I was an abused child and I have had 2 abusive marriages. I never want to be married again.
So sad that we didn't know abt these theories way back could have at least been aware of this and not judge ourselves bcz of what our parents did to us😢😢😢😢
✔️✔️✔️ WOW! Looks like I'm going to Ace this questionnaire! 😉😬 It's familiar too, this subject matter, shame & guilt -Guess we circle back around 😳 Shame attracts Shame 😔 Hear that! It's weird though because I can be like, no. And stop doing things for others approval I've tried to "practice" this giving without Expectations. Receiving. Being grateful. Not giving. Being vulnerable etc. I think I can find value in myself But when I use the lense of how others act or treat me, being soooo "busy" Or telling me all about their plans ? They are unavailable. Ok, stop trying. And it's conditional... If i do what they want or ask or even without them having to ask me directly They do the, "crumbs..." Like if I think I engage as I do b/c I have this shame, trauma brain and I am limited. When I try to engage, It's like, I don't know anyone healthy??? They just mirror back like I'm the one controling the entire relationship? Like, I want them to do them but it's like instead they fed me back me?? It's so confusing! Like I have to be healed. Then I just breeze right by Holding on to nothing! Keep moving and doing whatever I need to do period. end of story. the end. Like even my counselor started sending me these passive aggressive messages Like she was offended or insulted by me and my trauma brain Like I'm the one that has to be the thoughtful adult regardless of my state of mind or current circumstances? It's like you feel you get to this point of recovery Start thawing your iced over heart 🩵 Start mending your heart💔❤️🩹 Only to see that no one, but Tim Flecher is going to reflect what healthy looks like!? It's weird. You have this core shame and I mean I have a list* of literal* deaths of loved ones And a list of figurative* deaths of "friends" They turn their back Leaving you alone to deal with this need that Is this childhood need that you couldn't fix then but Now suddenly can make right? Because now you're an adult? Are we ever trusting anyone outside ourselves or anything out "there?" No. It would seem it's just trusting ourselves and Our relationship with God. Like this thing where your parents want you to be responsible for them... ppl just show you it's up to you? That's part of the shame core -it's me, up to me, no one's coming but me I do it too if they don't have time, I don't force it. If they want to tell me the fun they have planned I try to be happy for them Like you want to get honest Be vulnerable But you get ppl being defensive and rejecting or condescending Matching you mirror your "not quite there yet" ? The trauma just gets worse trying to communicate with others No one is able to meet me where I am. Or consider me at all. They want me to meet them and be on the team. So again I have to do it no ones coming to help Or I don't want to deal with all the "extra stuff" either in asking them for help. Or employ someone. Ppl never hear you or what you're trying to say They correct your grammar & tell you to have a nice day! Its so weird. Whats the point of socializing If its not really as social as we were led to believe?! Like I'm supposed to be the driver, ok. Stop being passive be assertive Don't care how ppl react to it. "demand" respect! with a posture ir a tone am I supposed to tell everyone their role or script ? No. Free Will They get to withhold They get to bully Manipulate Gaslight Its so fucking weird Like i feel I'm right there, and yet nowhere near there! All ar the same time! "Life is like a box or Paradoxes" 🤓 I get pushed away by ppl I was needing Boy they showed me!! "No, you showed you" See, you just have the conversation with yourself because no ones around they ALL have priorities and you have made a point of not being a priority or a burden to anyone! They got lives to live, families, work etc And they don't got time for Trauma work Or trauma brains or anything on your mind. Its like being punished for not snapping out of it. Or into it. Where are these "healthy" ppl are we sure they are out here?
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
As soon as I started to heal the shame I could identify with, I finally started WAKING up. Now I am finding all of this wonderful information. So much life lost, but now I am moving in an upward direction. Thank you!
Same Linda, same. I wish you all the beautiful things.
I don't think much life is lost. Maybe now you have the tools to be prepared to overcome any new obstacles that you didn't have before. You have a lot of life experience that makes you very empathic towards yourself and others :)
@@ChrisMarrin Only 53 years....🙂
I have never felt more grateful for never having fathered a child. I think that every person I know has trauma originating in their early childhood years, not excluding myself.
Our human condition seems to be a complex web of difficulties.
Wishing peace to each and every person existing in this world.
❤🩹
I've heard that if you really loved children you wouldn't bring them into the world
@@rickywaynehuntIf you really loved children, you would take time to self reflection and heal before having kids. That's called conscious parenting, being fully alive to the experience
That's a very cynical and sad view on life and people. Jesus has covered it all - we can rely on Him to help us through our challenges and troubles. He's perfect love and peace. Shalom.
. If you really love children you should go out of your way to help them. The problem is adults aren't interested in anyone but themselves. It's me me me me all day long.
This man is Gold, pure pure Gold. Educational programs in schools need to change and bring such studies adjusted for kids of course to help them to grow healthy and learn how to be productive members of society, studies as self-development and what is love and how to build healthy relationships, how to raise kids. I was listening yesterday his series about love and I was blown away. Please find his series about Re-Perrenting/Love. So many people grow up and are clueless about any of those things because we grew up so messed up from our parents. We need The Change in schools and teach kids what is really important along the sides with budgeting, investments, money studies.
The governments on purpose keep people ignorant bc they can control them this way. When u have problems u Don t care what corruption governments r doing
This man is a blessing with his gift of understanding and conveying a complex experience.
Putting needs last can get you taken for granted and if you ever put your own needs first, people get angry.
Only people who don't respect boundaries get upset....it takes maturity to respect them.
That’s because our needs weren’t met , so we avoid to get our needs …. Sound like a narc
When you stand up for yourself after they've come to expect the people pleasing and you get painted as the villian.
Yep that’s what occurs if you’re not careful about boundaries in the beginning…
Always start as you mean to go on. Don't be a pushover.
From now on for the rest of my life I'm going to have a date with Tim every Friday night here on RUclips.
Scariest sentence in the world, "welcome back to another Friday Night".... Goddamn this dude is gonna make me rethink my life
I was thinking the same while listening to part 1.
As someone recovering from both addiction and trauma I can attest this channel and content is legit.
Glad I found it, for me recovery never ends. I need constant reminders that I'm good and what selfish behaviors will lead to relapse etc
This was hands down the best teaching I’ve heard on Shame. I’m going to jot notes, really digest what was spoken and share this message. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Praise God for the revelations and healing that will come to everyone who is hungry for healing and truth.🙌🏻
Isn’t that the truth.
Blame Shame Guilt Fear and Doubt are tools the devil grips to keep us in trauma. Life is to flow not stagnate.
Insight demands instant change. If you write it down, it will need your biased analysis, and in the process, you will distort the very tool that was meant to set you and yours free from this horror of what shame does.
I didn't know just about all my negative emotions came from shame. Immense. Very educational.
This series, and in particular this episode, is my life story. Gratefully, I have been working on these issues for about 30 years and have come a very long way .... the Grace of Jesus and understanding these issues have been my lifeline....gotta admit, this is difficult to listen to without a bit of pain coming back up.
This is so spot on it’s like taking a bullet to the chest. Thank you Tim for speaking truth and clarity to my life. I’ve gone 40 years without knowing this.💔
A sensitive man is like a vegetarian. He is on a journey of wholesome. He does not oppress the very tool that can cure some roots of trauma. Men understanding how shame has altered their ID is a breath of fresh air.
37;00 reminds me of Father Sergius, a short story by Leo Tolstoy. Another human being that is interested in healing the human consciousness by looking at what its contents cause is. Shame is a content of consciousness, and with it, we are conditioned to become what we are not.
I'm 59, and couldn't understand what Id done to end up so fu*ked up.
This the best lecture i have ever heard about shame, i burst in tears several time. Tim Fletcher was my today's finding, i have just read a comment on another video, someone was encouraging to listen to Tim Fletcher, many thanks to that person
Shame basically defines my life or fear I don't know one decision I made in the past twenty years that didn't involve shame or fear...how sad is that
Thats hard, i hope it gets better❤
I totally relate, I feel like I'm in the same boat. And yes, it is sad ❤
Man, I just don't have the words to describe how this video made me feel (and the previous video in this playlist). Like, it's teaching me to finally understand myself and my life. Thank you
I once told my husband re his Mother: I don’t want gifts, I want to be treated with respect.
This brought a look of horror and no comment from him. 😢
Now I get it.
💝
Thank you. This video just saved my life and is causing me to change my negative core beliefs about myself that were instilled into me via abuse, and I now have a new positive life trajectory. I feel immense gratitude for this life changing video. Thank you.
I can listen to this man endlessly ❤
Thank you all for putting this material out. I've been listening to a good number of your video's, like this 2 part series, and it is all hitting so very close to home.
My eyes, and heart, are being opened wider than I had ever thought possible, while giving that much more clarity in the work and help I need to heal, grow, and live a better, more fulfilling life.
Thank you again, so very much
You are full of wisdom. I understand so much better now.
Shame is the core belief about your identity that you're not good enough in various ways. Thank you for laying it out so clearly. I couldn't even define shame other than to say embarrassment before listening to you.
I'm raising my granddaughter because she had abusive parents. They both told her she was the reason for their divorce. She's now 15 and having flashbacks of things they said and did to her. She cries herself to sleep at night. She is seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to help.
She is also court ordered to have supervised visits with her mother. I have trouble getting her to go.
Poor thing, I wish she did not have to see her mother!
You raised one of these parents?
@@elainehiggins713 You need to self reflect on your role as well. Self healing will take you to a place where you can help your grandchild. I was sexually abused as a child, my husband ( severe borderline narcissist) probably too. Between the two, our toxic anger has hurt the children. We all need to heal our inner child.
@@ArchAngel435 I was raised by a narcissist. I instinctively knew to raise my four children the opposite from the way I was raised. It was my number one priority in life. I was determined not to pass the pain to future generations. All four of my children are responsible, kind individuals. My daughter (the only one with children) is exceptionally so.
Keep going to therapy! It may take time but the damage did not happen in a day. Don't give up! Best wishes!
This whole playlist is great. Thank you for sharing these!
Brilliant! I often hear a debate about shame the emotion vs. Shame the belief.
Your presentation is spot on: it's both a belief and an emotion that follows the belief!
These talks are life changing! Thank you
Right. He’s so good.
Thank you for another enlightening lesson. Your lessons have help in connecting so many complex trauma issues in my life and I'm thank you so much for your passion and expertise. 🙏
Ha, yeah I’m wrecked already, Tim.
That’s why your program has put my life on the healing course.
4:35 Guilt describes an action. Shame desecibes a feeling. If I change my behavior, then I can escape guilt. Reparenting is rhe only way to overcome shane. Children altogether lack this adult capacity to overcome.
9:45 Identity issues fall from neglect. We question our worth as children. This requires reparenting.
I have been actively reprenting myself for years. I only just found Tim Fletcher. I cannot wait to see what happens as I continue to heal, only now I have help.
11:10 Distorted mirrors. Am I four feet tall? A friend's mirror at her or his house shows something else. Well, the conclusion is this new mirror is wrong. My family mirror shows me as I am. They give me the truth.
Yeah, not so often. My family lied to me to my face year after year. I am 48 years old. I have no idea how I lasted so long.
I would word it as "guilt is appropriate if we've done something truly wrong (violated God's laws), shame is an attack on our self-worth and not God's way of motivating his children."
My guy is the GOAT. This is the true word.
You have a goat??
I have a horse. Tennessee walker.
I hope I can overcome 🙏 😮 We need to protect this man at all costs!!!!!!!😮
What a shame that "shame" is not taught more often.
Good one! 😁
Pastor Fletcher,
Yes, the devil is in the details; all 42 you listed. Number 27, especially resonates with me. The Shame within my husband is so deep….for decades he has refused therapy. This ruined our marriage and our entire family life more than I can say.
Thank you for teaching us and helping us to understand that by grace, we can heal.
I stayed single, too scared of repeating history
My story too. Borderline narcissistic husband. Married for 26 yrs, before he exited with a "crutch" instead to self reflecting in the hurt he had caused me and the children
I cried after watching this video. I've been growing up with this gigantic burden called shame without even realizing it. I'm 29 now, and I've only started getting to know my real self and changing my life for the better. So grateful to Tim for these videos. Nothing has ever helped me more than this. Thank you so much for all the knowledge you share with us and your compassion ❤🩹
I’m happy for you that you are here at 29. I wish that could have been me. I’m 50 and just found Tim’s videos this year. You’re doing great! 🎉❤🎉
I'm crying listening to this... Thank you
You are so good at explaining things in a way that is understandable. Thank you!
The list was exhaustive but enlightening
Your posts are truly a gift!
I never blamed myself for my parents' issues. Not even once. I don't know where that came from as young as four-years-old but it's my truth. I never ever thought that.
Rev. TF's videos have greatly blessed this viewer's life. Thanks, TF.
The best I've heard...excellent presentation! Thank you!
38:52 "Shame's impulse is that I must hide" oh my fg.
I'm 31 since april 2024 and only discovered by digging into Gabor Mate in december 2022 that I didn't have ' ADHD' but rather has a huge amount of damaged self caused by childhood trauma. It's super weird to hear all these traits in the 1/3 video and now all these things related to Shame. Never ever have I thought to put the Shame label on this. But its soooo insightfull.
I can relate with 95% of what is beeign said. Which would be great if it wasn't such a depressing topic.
I never went to therapy or anything like that 'cause i'm a strong person'. But this stuff is really opening my eyes that i really need to seek help, learn about these things and get better if I ever wanna live a real full life.
Congrats on 200.000 subscribers!!! ❤
As a nanny, you are teaching me. You are sending me away with tools to mend the walls of my community to stop the building from crumbling into pieces. As a jury service practitioner this season you are making it tough, because what I now know about little 't' trauma has mutated me.I thank you.
Excellent video!! 👏
Parentification is a huge one. Causes a lot of trauma.
Thanks!
Thank you.
This all makes sense. I'll share your channel and encourage people to start looking at this Playlist and anything that they choose to watch to learn to help them.
Very well said. Shame is a club to manipulate people by threatening them with a lower worth, or to demean and de-value them. 5his isn't God's way of motivating his children. Tim does a great job of demonstrating the better way: focus on consequences. Change behavior by studying and teaching the real consequences of an action, not threatening to devalue their self-worth. God's commandments weren't given arbitrarily. They're commandments because acting contrary to them has real negative, self-destructive consequences.
Shame isn’t always something someone else does to you, it’s something you develop because of trauma.
@elainehiggins713 wouldn't that be the same thing except you do it to yourself?
@@JPShepard5 Perhaps.
Sir you are a genius. Thank you. May God's grace and blessing forever rest upon you 🙏
Amazing
so helpful
pls keep providing this information!!
Or parents who simply did not have the ability to give. Whatever. They could not give what they did not have. Sometimes that they could see, possibly could meet but didn't for meanness or whatever. And also for not meeting needs they could not even see.
Yes yes I completely agree. My parents are immigrants. I see and know my parents couldn't give me what they didn't have. I am talking emotionally, availability. I recognize how this put me on a particular course. But God, He is healing me and mending my wounds. These videos are extremely helpful as well
Thank you soooo much!!! ❤❤❤
The part about "follow me"...makes me think of Jesus' usage of sheep and shepherd. Option B is like how people tend to be lost and to follow every little thing. Jesus initiates the contact with us. He is amazing.
It feels like I hit so many marks that I’m just way too broken. I don’t know how to start trusting people, let them close, or not isolate myself
Very enlightening 🎉I am so disconnected from myself ,the shame is hectic
This is why some people say you should have no self and others say you need a stronger self or self esteem.❤ both are need if you towards neurosis you need more self esteem if you leand narc personality you need less ego.
Great teachings on shame! Thank you!!! Unfortunately, some people with shame-inducing childhood trauma just get a distorted mirror in christian churhes - they tell you all the time, what a sinner you are, you are even born bad. (On the other hand, jewish teaching says, you are born good.)
The Bible says that we are born sinners. Thus the need for Christ. Jews don't have Christ. They have sacrificial rituals that they must do to cleanse themselves. Their cleansing is temporary. Their offering is consumed, or rotted, and they need to do it again. Since Christ is eternal, His sacrificial offering of Himself never ends.
wow... well that wasn't easy to listen to... but then that's it... that's what it is... and its upsetting... but its also ok? (lots of emotions and even dizziness but ok) might have to go through that again in a few days time and I guess its oK because if it is this well then it also isn't really me; or it isn't really about me - it never was
How does enmenshment inform core beliefs? My mother and I were heavily enmeshed when I was younger. Still coming out of this. I do believe I have CT as a result but I can't quite identify how this has shaped my core beliefs. I think on some level I took on my mother's identity bc I did not have my own. Very interesting.
💖I am sorry. Me too. In my case my it's obvious to this day my mum really doesn't want me to have my own identity. Anything she doesn't do exactly the same she says: "That's not the right way to do it, that's not the correct way to feel about this." Somehow I was just born wrong, according to her. I've been suspicious of nice people all my life, the kindness of strangers is almost painful wondering why my own parents think I'm no good.
Thank you for this video
Thank you so very much for this!
Well, I do wonder how many therapists have told my sadistic covert malignant narcissist ex-husband he's a wonderful person. He had the "I'm just a poor, humble sinner who makes mistakes but I'm trying my earnest best" public persona down pat. The private, behind-closed-doors, mask-off man was considerably uglier but boy, did people fall for it. I was lectured incessantly by therapists, especially after I told them he was abusive and gave specific examples. Therapists aren't high on my list of intelligent life in the universe, so, yes, I meet their "you're a terrific person" comments with some skepticism. How would they know?
Those are not good therapists.
Shame is a guilt trip if your boss or church shames you it is time to move on if you can, if you can't develop a good relationship there.
THANK YOU
This is unbelievably accurate and important. Thank you so much Tim 🙏🏼
Can you talk about shame and relationships failing cause we take on a secondary role and by putting others in the primary and why it causes shame and failure in relationships.
Codependency 101
Highly painful information and it’s funny for sounding logical and obvious while I’ve been completely blind to it in myself. You can gloss over darker parts of childhood but that takes energy and if there is a point in time where you have become overwhelmed and drained, that’s when the hidden reality blooms into awareness with the same level of feeling. It is better to try to deal with this stuff before you hit harder struggles.
Bottom line - Im addicted to toxic shame 🤮 But now I know and I know the way out of it 💓
My dad treated me best he was the best daddy ever he gave me unconditional love played took us trips but why was my narcissistic schizophrenic abusive mother more affecting than him?
Amazing stuff...is there a book about shame by Tim?
I have listened to a few of your lectures. I understand now how i am where i am. Now, how to undo the shame? Which lecture covers that?
Hi Joan, this video is a good place to start: ruclips.net/video/7OZaCjbDqrA/видео.html
Thank you Tim
I have to keep pleasing others.
Thank you
Thanks
amazing insightful
I thank u doctor for exposing these traits of shame. Its so eye opening. But, I wonder.. how should we overcome these behaviours? By going in tla different direction of them? I.e:. If Im timid, shy, should I expose myself to more people?
Be in touch with ur needs. Do u need to be with other people or do u need to be with urself? And who makes u feel good?
Not everyone is good for us
Lots of good stuff, but as a child of divorce trust me, staying together can (and probably will) do way more harm than divorce. Healthy and ethical separation is also something that needs to be taught when things dont work out.
He does teach this just not in this video.
I have watch a lot of his videos and forgot which one it’s on but yes he does teach that. I am going though a divorce were there was abuse and he does validate that it is worse for kids under those circumstances
@@hannahmiles7089 thanks for pointing it out :) wasn't aware and just wanted to clarify for people who haven't watched his other videos.
Loss of life and potential.
How can we get the PowerPoints on his videos?
Great video!!!
It's like I was murdered but didnt actually die. Why did this have to happen? And I hate god for this now
Hi, thank you for videos, very much appreciate. so our parents/family are pretty much responsible for not giving everything a child needs. but i don't think they could do it. i find almost impossible to raise a child impeccably because the generation before also "damaged" their children e and so on back. i believe that if the parents have had therapy work and they understood all the process and with so much information available now days, they could avoid some damages but not ALL. I am totally wrong??
No. I love this and agree in most cases. It's wonderful if we can land in a healing place where we can say, "Our parents did the best they could with the tools they had". Admittedly, there are just some bad parents out there though.
I always go on a search for these kind of videos when i get a large trigger that reinforces the belief that I am scum
You are valuable, you are good, you are noble.
Mr. Fletcher, do you have the notes you show on the screens available to download somewhere? Thank you!
(URGENT)
That's the biggest problem I have been struggling with getting over.
My husband and my daughter would, lets say pointing out my problems.
I have problems of even looking into a mirror at myself. All I see is ugly. Once I got over the idea that I was not to blame I got over the guilt. But it's forgiving myself. I have seizures and my family has refused to help me. So now I'm struggling with going on. I feel that I'm the problem because I can't stop my seizures. I'm still waiting to get in somewhere for trauma help. It's been almost a year.
I was an abused child and I have had 2 abusive marriages. I never want to be married again.
31 hits hard😢
I have ALL of those negative traits. Wow.
This might be the most articulate argument against nuclear families.
Sooo what do I do if I got 42 out of 42 checked...
Tim I am going thru it, it sucks
Wow the best video ever what is the name of this great doctor please ?
Tim Fletcher is the name listed
My husband is great at self sabotage.
This is deep man, holy molly. Can you give me the antidote please? :D
So sad that we didn't know abt these theories way back could have at least been aware of this and not judge ourselves bcz of what our parents did to us😢😢😢😢
✔️✔️✔️ WOW! Looks like I'm going to Ace this questionnaire! 😉😬
It's familiar too,
this subject matter, shame & guilt
-Guess we circle back around
😳
Shame attracts Shame 😔
Hear that!
It's weird though because I can be like, no.
And stop doing things for others approval
I've tried to "practice" this giving without Expectations. Receiving. Being grateful. Not giving. Being vulnerable etc.
I think I can find value in myself
But when I use the lense of how others act or treat me,
being soooo "busy"
Or
telling me all about their plans ?
They are unavailable.
Ok, stop trying.
And it's conditional...
If i do what they want or ask
or even without them having to ask me directly
They do the, "crumbs..."
Like if I think I engage as I do b/c I have this shame, trauma brain and I am limited.
When I try to engage,
It's like,
I don't know anyone healthy???
They just mirror back like I'm the one controling the entire relationship?
Like, I want them to do them
but it's like instead
they fed me back me??
It's so confusing!
Like I have to be healed. Then I just breeze right by
Holding on to nothing!
Keep moving and doing
whatever I need to do period.
end of story.
the end.
Like even my counselor started sending me these passive aggressive messages
Like she was offended or insulted by me and my trauma brain
Like I'm the one that has to be the thoughtful adult
regardless of my state of mind or current circumstances?
It's like you feel you get to this point of recovery
Start thawing your iced over heart 🩵
Start mending your heart💔❤️🩹
Only to see that no one, but Tim Flecher is going to reflect what healthy looks like!?
It's weird.
You have this core shame and
I mean
I have a list* of literal* deaths of loved ones
And a list of figurative* deaths of "friends"
They turn their back
Leaving you alone to deal with this need that
Is this childhood need that you couldn't fix then but
Now suddenly can make right?
Because now you're an adult?
Are we ever trusting anyone outside ourselves
or anything out "there?"
No.
It would seem it's
just
trusting ourselves
and
Our relationship
with God.
Like this thing where your parents want you to be responsible for them...
ppl just show you it's up to you?
That's part of the shame core -it's me, up to me, no one's coming but me
I do it too if they don't have time, I don't force it.
If they want to tell me the fun they have planned
I try to be happy for them
Like you want to get honest
Be vulnerable
But you get ppl being defensive and rejecting or condescending
Matching you mirror your "not quite there yet" ?
The trauma just gets worse trying to communicate with others
No one is able to meet me where I am.
Or consider me at all.
They want me to meet them and be on the team.
So again
I have to do it
no ones coming to help
Or I don't want to deal with all the "extra stuff" either in asking them for help.
Or employ someone.
Ppl never hear you or what you're trying to say
They correct your grammar
& tell you to have a nice day!
Its so weird.
Whats the point of socializing
If its not really as social as we were led to believe?!
Like I'm supposed to be the driver, ok.
Stop being passive
be assertive
Don't care how ppl react to it.
"demand" respect!
with a posture ir a tone
am I supposed to tell everyone their role or script ?
No.
Free Will
They get to withhold
They get to bully
Manipulate
Gaslight
Its so fucking weird
Like i feel I'm right there, and yet nowhere near there! All ar the same time!
"Life is like a box or Paradoxes" 🤓
I get pushed away by ppl I was needing
Boy they showed me!!
"No, you showed you"
See, you just have the conversation with yourself because no ones around they ALL have priorities and you have made a point of not being a priority or a burden to anyone!
They got lives to live, families, work etc
And they don't got time for Trauma work
Or trauma brains or anything on your mind.
Its like being punished for not snapping out of it. Or into it.
Where are these "healthy" ppl are we sure they are out here?
This information is great but nobody talks about metods how to get rid of shame. Everybody talks how shame is created and how it affected as.
I miss your talks. Last week, no echo. This week, echo. Why the inconsistency? The echo is terrible.
Holy smokes!!!
Love this guy but he sounds like the crooked pharmacist from better call Saul lol
Wow Tim, this was excellent. I hope to be as great a teacher as you, my dude. 😊P O W E R F U L❤
A lot of people like me. I really don't get why.