I Was Groomed as a Teen by a Christian Man
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- Опубликовано: 4 июл 2024
- This video is about how I was groomed as a teen by a Christian man in my homeschool community. I share how it started, how the process was interrupted, and the aftermath of the experience.
CW: grooming, SA, DV, emotional & psychological abuse
[Content mentioned]
“7 red flags that you're being groomed - how to spot the difference between a well-meaning adult and a predator” by Ashley Laderer: www.insider.com/guides/health...
“What is EMDR?” by the EMDR Institute: www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/
[Timestamps]
00:00 - Intro & grooming definition
03:03 - I was naive and vulnerable
05:37 - An in-person conversation
08:04 - Long, intimate emails
12:50 - Secret phone calls
17:31 - His wife finds out [CW: emotional abuse]
26:15 - Weird dynamics & feelings confused
32:29 - Finding the emails as an adult
34:30 - Therapy & realizing it's not my fault
[Background Music]
Title: Small Emotions
www.hooksounds.com
Image description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a desk as they talk to the camera. Their short brown hair is in a pony tail, and they are wearing a pink sweatshirt. In the background there is a string of lights, a green plant with small bisexual and genderqueer flags, and a vase of flowers on the desk.
A few things to clarify/add:
- The reason I know how many "pages" the emails are is because I copied them into a word document.
- I forgot to explain how much he flattered me. He'd regularly say things about how he was so impressed with me, how I was so mature, special, unique, etc., and just generally how much he admired and liked me.
- Here is a great video to check out about this topic by Kat Blaque. She shares her story while providing commentary and current political context: ruclips.net/video/3SJjElNPwyw/видео.html
I always tell my students, if someone starts gushing about how "mature" they are, RUN!!
My spouse sent me this post that read these kind of people are able to do what they do, because they treat kids and teens like people, which is a rarity for them, ESPECIALLY in fundamentalist environments.
I don't like that I'm able to speedrun earning a kid's trust that way. Which is why I'm quick to say the maturity thing. But also, if this kindness (without the abuse, obviously) were a little more common, maybe we can weed out the assholes more, but I digress.
I'm sorry about what happened to you, and I'm glad you were able to get out before things got worse.
Haven’t watched the video yet but I’m curious where this point goes. I always thought complimenting people was good, so where do you draw the line if you’re really just trying to say genuine compliments? It doesn’t make sense to never compliment anyone who is underage, because honest compliments (not flattery) are important.
And I know “mature” is bad when it’s said in certain obviously creepy contexts, but I also know that a LOT of normal, non-pedo people called me mature when I was a kid and they definitely meant “you’re calm and introspective” (and sometimes “it’s okay that you’re not popular because being smart is more important in the long run”), not “you’re ‘mature’ for your age so that means you should let me do inappropriate things to you”. So in my experience calling kids and teens mature is a normal thing and I would have rejected some genuine people who helped me a lot if I had been told that anyone who calls you mature is a pedo. Is it something you will just know from the context? If the groomer is a good actor, how would you know? Full grown adults end up in abusive relationships because they fall for grooming when the groomer is a good actor, so how can vulnerable kids tell the difference?
^Okay, that “hears about your problems but never offers any help, just thoughts and prayers” is a pretty clear sign.
How do you like EMDR? Why did you go with that instead of other forms of therapy? I'm interested myself.
Thank you for being willing to share your story. Your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic is so validating for those of us who have had similar experiences.
More people speaking up about what it’s like to *actually* be groomed is SO important right now.
This.
Sadly so true.
YES
So true. I coach a sport, and we're required to take TONS of SafeSport training about how to spot grooming behaviors in our fellow coaches. However, there's next to nothing available to the children to help them identify when they or their friends are being groomed.
Very little change is ever going to come from telling adults what they already know. Instead, children need to be educated on what to be wary of in the same way that we educate them about "stranger danger."
/rant over
Yes! I thought it was just a secret sexual relationship with an older, maybe married person. Stay safe out there!
I was groomed by a nurse at a psychiatric hospital. I kept trying to tell people something was wrong. Months later, my therapist listened and told me it was abuse. When he tried to contact me again, I reported him. He is no longer a nurse.
Good. No one like that should be able to have authority or care for others. So scary, but I'm glad you had a resolution
Weird. Happened to me too. Actually a bunch of us. Place I went is finally shut down now. Weird thing is the woman who did it recently committed suicide. It’s weird seeing all these sad messages honoring her memory…all the while knowing she was a child abuser in life.
That's horrifying! I hope you're doing alright. Good to hear the nurse got what was coming to him.
Glory to God
@@conclavecabal.h0rriphic No one gets to be a Saint in their casket when they were a terrible person in their life.
Sometimes groomers live in your own home. Like in my case.
My dad openned our doors to his cousin, who was about 20 years older than me, when he came here and had nowhere to stay.
I was a lonely 16 year old kid with low self-esteem, and this man started giving me attention and saying things that made me feel special, and I became addicted to the feeling... So much so that even after it escalated to SA (happened only once) I hoping to get some time alone with him so he could keep telling me that I was beautiful and that he thinks about me a lot.
My dad caught wind of something going on, but instead of confronting him about it, he confonted *me. Which I only recently came to realize was such bullsh*t. I don't know if he ever confronted the creep. Even if he did, I definitely did not feel like my dad was on my side.
Even though I know in my head that I was a victim, and that it wasn't my fault, I still feel shame.
Thank you for making this video. It made me feel less alone, and less ashamed.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you find some way to heal.
@@nickbell8353 thank you ❤️
completely normal for kids to seek positive attention from adults. there's nothing weird or embarrassing about even enthusiastic participation on yr part. the whole reason statutory rape is a thing is that the normal standard of consent doesn't apply because it's so normal to engage in what would be consent behaviors in adults.
I’m so sorry that you were put in the position of having to meditate your parents abusive relationship at such a young age. I also grew up evangelical and I very much had to do what I could to maintain emotional equilibrium for my abusive family system when I was a kid and it did a lot of damage to me. On the other hand, now that I’m an adult, I feel like there’s nothing life could throw at me that I can’t handle. I’m so proud of all of us out here doing the hard work and living our truth.
Oh. I was groomed by a teacher. I’m kind of having an “a-ha” moment watching this video. I’ve always known that he was inappropriate with me (no SA or physical abuse) but I’ve never put the word “grooming” to it.
Just … the things young people have to go through … especially girls/people assigned female at birth. It’s insane. It’s disgusting. Everyone deserves safety.
Oh geez, I completely relate to this! I would’ve missed it at the time, too. I think parents do their children a disservice by sheltering them (“keeping them young”, as you said), especially girls. I was SO NAIVE and trusting well into my 20s, and found myself in harm’s way like this several times as a result. I’m glad you were able to release the shame around this situation - it was never about you. ❤
So much of this sounds like my situation. It hurts so bad.
You are so lucky it didnt turn sexual. I was groomed into basically a sex slave. Im in therapy now. You are so strong to share this. Thank you for all your content. You are helping thousands of young girls.
She isn’t lucky.
I don't think she meant that's she's lucky just this happened to her but that it's pretty clear from this mans behavior that it could easily have went that way, just that it's good that didn't happen like it usually does with these type of people.
As a parent of a trans kid. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I believe they call us pdfiles and groomers because they are covering for people in the religious community. I'm sorry for what you went through. Sending lots of love.
How old is your kid if u don't mind.
@@africansister literally not sharing personal info on my child online like that. Aside from the fact they are trans, because it relates to the topic and this content creator.
I hope you can understand why I would be so protective of them, especially right now. That information is not needed for the public. Thank you. Namaste
I wish you and your child the best. I hope that your child takes time to work with a therapist before taking any irreversible medical steps.
@@lisamcdonald2877 so this is the major misconception. We aren't even talking about surgery. That's not a thing for minors. That's propaganda not based in facts. So let's start there. Second, therapy is obviously amazing for trans kids. They absolutely need to be talking to professionals about this. But the current 400+ bills that have aimed at the trans community, especially youth are targeting gender affirming care, which includes therapy. So the alt right is taking those therapist away from trans kids that need them and in certain states they are making it a felony to provide therapy for gender identity issues. If you don't want kids making mistakes due to their gender identity, quit supporting these bills. They are literally prohibiting the thing you are advocating for. Also, if you aren't a parent of a trans kid, aren't trans yourself and don't know a trans person. Meet one before forming such strong opinions on what you think is going on or what you think these kids need. This frankly is no one's business at the end of the day. This is between our family and our medical team. ( Which consists of a therapist and pediatrician- not surgeons)
@@lisamcdonald2877 so this is the major misconception. We aren't even talking about surgery. That's not a thing for minors. That's propaganda not based in facts. So let's start there. Second, therapy is obviously amazing for trans kids. They absolutely need to be talking to professionals about this. But the current 400+ bills that have aimed at the trans community, especially youth are targeting gender affirming care, which includes therapy. So the alt right is taking those therapist away from trans kids that need them and in certain states they are making it a felony to provide therapy for gender identity issues. If you don't want kids making mistakes due to their gender identity, quit supporting these bills. They are literally prohibiting the thing you are advocating for. Also, if you aren't a parent of a trans kid, aren't trans yourself and don't know a trans person. Meet one before forming such strong opinions on what you think is going on or what you think these kids need. This frankly is no one's business at the end of the day. This is between our family and our medical team. ( Which consists of a therapist and pediatrician- not surgeons)
As a lifelong homeschooled 18 year old, I'm afraid of people like him showing up in my life. I've already experienced little bits and traces of creepiness from various men and I really hope things don't escalate.
Don't be afraid to say no. Have boundaries, and try to avoid making impulsive decisions. I think it's healthy to have a support group of people who know what you have been through to talk it over with. Maybe also a therapist if you can manage to find someone
By just being aware of the risks and educated on this, you are protecting yourself. If at 18 you can see how creepy it is when older people tell younger people how "mature" they are in an attempt to develop a relationship with them, then you're already like 3 steps ahead. 90% of the battle is just seeing through all the bullshit. The rest is just about knowing how to stand up for yourself and knowing who to go to to talk when you don't feel safe. And even if you date people your own age, I suggest not dating anyone seriously until you are done with your schooling and settled into a career. I'm not saying don't date at all. But if you find "the one", then they should be more than happy waiting to get serious until after you've reached independence. This is a good way to protect yourself from people that might try to trap you in an abusive relationship. Because that can happen no matter your age, or any age gap.
You being aware of your vulnerability seems like a good start. Maybe some therapy can help to make you more resistant to predators and help you set your boundaries.
Everyone has really good points here but no one's mentioned that you can't really avoid predators. No matter your race, religion, sexual identity, or anything at all you cannot avoid creepy people. So not only making sure you have good boundaries but make sure you can spot these creeps before they can spot your vulnerabilities.
@@aazhieExcellent advice.
Yeah it's a special kind of terrifying to come to the realization that you were groomed as a kid, and if 1 or 2 things had gone differently the groomer would have gotten what they were after. Glad you're doing better with this trauma
Ellie, you honor us by sharing your story. Thank you for being so candid. I'm very, very thankful it didn't escalate any further. Also- as a counselor in training, EMDR ROCKS and I'm so glad you're seeing benefits ❤️🕊
I am non binary and pan and also an ex fundie. I really appreciate your channel. I had an event at 20(a naive 20 much like you) where a man tried to meet up with me from a Christian website. He was then exposed as a child exploiter and possible adult trafficker. This brought back memories of that.
@Iljan Štolcević non-binary means they don’t identify as a boy or girl
I don't really know what to say about this, beyond like thank you for sharing this, Elly - this is an incredibly important topic. Being bi and trans, I'm so sick and tired of hearing fundies claiming my existence is grooming children when fundies themselves are frequently the ones doing it.
🤦♀️
It honestly sounds like he was experienced at this and knew what he was doing. It's one thing for an older person to be a bit immature and not have healthy boundaries with young people (which is also bad.) But to shower you with attention and compliments, send you messages late at night, and not tell his wife that he was talking to you until it came out by accident?? So beyond gross. He had an opportunity to be a positive presence in your life, along with his wife and family. Instead, he made you into a secret, kept you lonely, and bailed on you when you needed support. 💔 I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad you're looking at it with new eyes.
It's situations like this that make it so hard to trust people. We should be able to seek support from our community when our family is struggling. But there is always the fear that someone could take advantage of us when we're vulnerable.
Your strength is immense. Thank you for sharing this with us. And may Mr. Jones' shirts always have an itchy tag that he can't remove no matter how hard he tries.
Hell yeah
& a really bad wedgie, Erectile dysfunction & irritable bowel syndrome.
Make a shirt with only itchy tags
I also hope that he steps on a lego and then when the pain starts to go away, he steps on another lego forever on repeat.
My biggest work right now is getting out of my own way and going with my gut. I’m so glad this was cathartic. We were raised in a culture that taught us our instincts were evil, and now my brain and my body has to trust that maybe I do know what will be healing to me. Leaning in is hard but it has paid off for me at least and I’m thankful you took the opportunity to share.❤
I was told I was melodramatic so many times as a teenager I inadvertently wound up internalizing abuse as an adult. There's so many ways you can wind up teaching a kid to destruct.
I so appreciate that you chose to share this with us- and demonstrate so well that yes, we can be “of age” but still be groomed. I loved to see your smile when you said- wow, I feel better! I could see in that moment… what in our fundie culture would have been called “shining bright for the Lord” or “being released of a spiritual burden” that you truly felt better. I’m so glad you chose to share with us, that you took a leap of trust. Not an easy story to tell, friend. I feel bad for little Elly. I’m really sorry that this happened to you, and that your family life was essentially used as an “in” to a grown ass man to find an angle of approach. Thanks again, friend. We appreciate you and all your work to bring this content. 💙
This man was unaware of normal boundaries of dealing with a distressed teen, probably because of his own lack of knowledge of psychology. He knew that the time he was spending on you was wrong but was enjoying the interaction and was just going for it. He was loving the fact he could be a hero and in his twisted mind was flattered by your attention. If you hadn't called, he probably would've gotten braver and braver. Sick.
I'm only 11 minutes in and my husband is giving me this extremely suspicious look due to the number of times I've already said "that's weird" and "that's creepy".
Take care of yourself friend.
It occured to me pretty recently that my relationship with my friends older brother/my youth leader/teacher (it was a small community) when I was in middle and high school may have been grooming. I'm still processing it. It started when I was about 13-ish and lasted until I was 17. He is 10 years older than me. He would text me late at night nearly every night. He swore that he would always be there for me and I told him all kinds of things about myself and my abusive family. He also shared his feelings and insecurities with me a lot. There were times when he was flirtatious. He complimented my personality and my appearance. Calling me cool and cute, etc. I didn't know if that was normal or not. When he got engaged, it abruptly stopped. He didn't respond anymore. He acted like it never happened, even though it went on for years, daily. I felt abandoned. I feel a little conflicted because he filled a role I needed at the time. I would have felt even more alone with out him. In some ways, he helped me process what was happening to me and gave me an outlet to express myself. At the same time, I see that our relationship was inappropriate and contributed to my abandonment issues.
To add complication, he officiated my brother's wedding in September 😂
Proud of you discussing this difficult topic & being open about what happened to you. Thank you for sharing with us & helping to destigmatize this situation to other victims ❤
It’s really ironic because my initial reason why I went to therapy was because of trauma I had from a guy older than me as well…then finding much more beyond the spectrum than just dealing with symptoms of PTSD from that unfortunate event. I’m glad you felt ready to finally tel your story, thank you for sharing :)
This is why, as a homeschool mom, I've been teaching my children, since around age 6, what manipulation is and looks like, and how to recognize manipulation in ANYONE in their lives. Even myself (I told them, what if i lost my mind one day and wanted to harm you or your siblings? ) and that it is sooooo important to teach our children that they have to use their judgment, and discernment. And " if it feels bad In their heart, it's time to part"
Yes I homeachool, yes I sort of "shelter" them...but I DO explain how good AND bad the world can be. So that while growing up, they can have the tools they need to protect themselves when mom n dad aren't around.
I was groomed too and had a relationship with an older man for 5 years. I wasn’t able to see what this relationship really was. I was 18 too. I feel you and I send you a big hug. Healing from grooming is long but so much worth it. ❤
It's an emotional affair this guy had on his wife with someone his daughter's age. Definite leverage of a power imbalance and seeking of his own psychological needs being met.
Good to see a video from you again. The church really sets girls up to be taken advantage of like this. I hate everything about it and I hate that this happened to you but I'm glad you're in a place of recovery.
Sadly most religions are sexist towards anyone female or who they think is female
It breaks my heart to hear your story, and you aren't the first youtuber i've followed who has looked back at a valued "spiritual mentor" relationship and realized that it was grooming. Thank you for sharing this.
A movie with a subtle theme about the consequences of grooming is The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This movie has helped me a lot.
I was groomed when I was over 30. My self esteem was non existent at that time, and he was a superior at my job.
Wow, what a horrifying story. Thank you so much for sharing this. Terrible how the young and vulnerable are made to feel shame and guilt when it's the abuser's fault. 💜
thank you SO much for this video! I knew my own stuff would be triggered, so I waited 2 weeks till I felt ready to watch it. now that I have, I too feel lighter and relieved!
at 40, I developed a relationship with a priest, 40 years older than me. I thought he was completely safe to love, and initially the relationship was intensely gratifying for me, as he seemed to be everything the men in my fundy past weren't (broad-minded, non-judgemental, and politically progressive).
but it wasn't too many months into this relationship that he began to give me PAGES and PAGES (which soon became chapters and chapters) of an autobiography he was suddenly inspired to write. being a pleaser, I obligingly read everything (at the cost of my own work). he never clarified whether he was formally asking for an edit, so I ended up doing editing of his book for free (which became two books by the time I was done with the project)!
the relationship went from initially me feeling seen, to being all about me 'seeing' and affirming and witnessing HIS life. he emailed me many times a week, and wanted FAR more contact than what I would have chosen.
long story short, it took me 4 years to extricate myself from this relationship, and by the end I was completely exhausted and depleted. getting out was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and when I wrote that final email, I knew I had broken through something deep within myself.
five years later, I am grateful for how this was the relationship that catalyzed me to learn about narcissism, something I poured myself into studying for many months. once I had the language and knowledge, I could see the pattern everywhere in my life!
so if there is still any part of you judging yourself for getting into this relationship at age 18, I hope it gives you comfort to know that I, at age 40, having taught university classes on these subjects, and already having done a LOT of personal healing, still found myself in an emotionally abusive/ inappropriate/ spousification/ enmeshed/ narcissist: codependent relationship!
I don't know if 'grooming' would be the word for it, but certainly the elements of favoritism, lavishing of gifts and attention, inappropriate and intimate sharing, and expecting me to be a witness of his entire life, fit with the description you have offered! (so yeah, maybe it was 'grooming' even if it stayed on an emotional level and was never going to go beyond this)?
today I'm happy to say that I no longer have any narcissist: codependent relationships in my life. this last one helped me break the pattern, and for that, I will be forever grateful to my higher self 'soul contract' with this complex and very human man (in the position of god's representative here on earth)!
Its so cathartic to see people becoming more vocal and sharing their experiences with these things. Being ashamed and quiet about our experiences is only doing harm to ourselves and others. I really believe that getting these stories out there for other young, naiive people (especially girls) will protect them and give them agency and teach girls at the youngest possible age that it is INEXCUSABLE for any man to violate your boundaries. You deserve to be respected. You deserve to be your own person. You do not belong to anyone else. So difficult to spend years idealizing and being praised for your innocence, quietness, agreeableness, etc. Only to realize as you grow up and find yourself that you were raised from birth to be vulnerable. That the more people-pleasing and easy to control you are, the "better" a woman you are. Its awful and painful to live that experience. Thank you for sharing this story. The fact that so many women share this experience is a testament to the fact that these stories need to be shared.
It's especially so important to talk about these "gray area" scenarios where the survivor is "technically legal" (18 y.o.) . Also SO important to consider the facts that, as you explain, you had been controlled and infantilized by evangelicalism, basically primed for being groomed even "as an adult" (of only 18 very sheltered and controlled years). All those excuses for this disgusting predatory behavior must be rejected and debunked loudly and emphatically.
This must have been such a difficult video to collate, record and edit. Thank you for your courage to set out how this came about and developed.
Sending love and support to you.
Elly, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I come from a somewhat similar situation (fundie homeschooling), and so many of your videos resonate with me. It is so easy for adults in a small, hierarchical community to take advantage of vulnerable kids and teens. It's why predators thrive in those environments.
When I was at my lowest, a friend's mom - bizarre as this sounds - manipulated me into doing work for her by promising to listen to me talk, allow me to cry in front of her, and hold me while I cried. I did the work, but she never had time to let me express myself. It sounds so weird, but I was so desperate for anything that resembled emotional support that that proposed transaction never even seemed odd or exploitative to me. I'm grateful no one tried to get more out of me than some free labor. I was so lonely I would never had seen the warning signs.
Imo, it's not a matter of being unintelligent (though being kept ignorant is certainly a factor); it's a matter of being emotionally starved. When you're starving, you'll eat rancid food, regardless of the danger.
Your videos continue to be a source of inspiration and encouragement to me. I wish you all the best. ❤
"When you're starving you'll eat rancid food". Oof, excellent way to say this.
The way you describe going to an adult for help with your overwhelming home life, only to be treated like a journal and offered prayers...but no meaningful intervention....that's my own experience too. It's why I struggle to this day with seeking help from anyone, especially after being gas-lit by medical professionals for years. I don't trust most of the 'helpers' anymore, and I feel so alone in life. I'm bitter and angry.
Me too
Oh my gosh! You are so strong to speak about this. So many memories come back to me. Thank you for sharing so we know we are not crazy to remember these things.
Sending you so, so, so much love. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, I hope it brings comfort and clarity to those who have dealt with similar situations x
Being 18 means a person is capable of consent, not that consent is automatic.
Also- just reiterating this part of the context, l is that they grew up not knowing what consent was, so our society says 18 can legally consent, personal consent cannot be given if it is not known.
Sure being 18 means you can consent… but the implication is that you’re consenting to do things with people in the 18-21 age range. Someone old enough to be your friend’s dad is a whole different story.
I had a man who was over my ministry (sign language translation) try to groom me, but thankfully he was very uncouth and horribly uncharming. He was also like 60 years old. He told me that he had sexual fantasies about me on the front pew of our church right before I went up to translate. Super gross. Luckily I just responded with "And what do you want me to do with the information?" And he said 🥺😩 "Forgive me. " (so gross) and I said "Look I gotta translate." He must've thought that I would've responded differently.
This man used to take me and my sister out to eat. He used to buy me clothes or give me random 100$ bills, but I am not a very personable or warm person unless I like you. He made no progress with me, thankfully, but he also did not have the manipulation skills Mr. Jones had. 😅😅😅 Whenever he gave me something, my attitude about it was -- I teach all of these ASL classes free and constantly translate at this church, I deserve compensation occasionally. I did not feel in debt to this msn at all, and he sucked at emotionally manipulation. 😅😅😅 I'm glad he was bad at it though 😬
Thank you for sharing this. It was so messed up for that grown man to take advantage of you in your time of need and not even report the abuse or try to get help for you and your family.
I’m realizing, I think, how common these very confusing and inappropriate relationships with adults/ older adults (always someone in power with a vulnerable individual) are for us who grew up in rough home environments and lots of trauma. We must be around the same age. I’m 33. And I’m in a horrible horrible situation that I almost can’t believe happened, again, with an actual therapist. We were both lesbians though it was an emotional affair mostly and so much other complicated crap. From 3 and a half years. And I’m severely disabled. She specialized in working with chronically and terminally Ill folks. She made me all these big beautiful promises about being my person and being there for me and how she wasn’t going anywhere. She was my emergency contact at all the hospitals. She was so coercive. And I knew better. Heck, we bonded over confusing and intense relationships with older women. And I’d spent most of my adult and sick life (got very sick in college) quite isolated. Especially after something like this happened with a home health nurse 12 years ago. But whenever I’d try to exert boundaries she’d manipulate me and tell me she did all this stuff for other patients or it became a whole thing about how resistive I was. Covid sure didn’t help but even through it I kept making friends and then losing them because of her. And then a year ago I hit some huge problems in the place I was living. I was losing it emotionally and mentally maybe from the pandemic but a huge part of it was her and that she had me so convinced I was this truly messed up toxic person and was lucky to even have her and even she found me so difficult. Always said if my own parents didn’t want me who would’ve ever love me and in the same way, it was like well if I’m too much for my therapist I’m clearly too broken for humanity.
Just really awful stuff and I was having such severe trauma reactions I was ready to give up the complex medical treatments keeping me alive and go in hospice and die. Heck I kept hoping she’d be better then. I sort of knew how bad it was but at that point felt like this was it. She was going to be the one person who really knew me and was there to hear my story and be with me when I died and remember me after. So when she exploded everything in the end, was abusing drugs, totally dismissing me and what a crisis my housing situation and physical and mental health were and then dumped me very suddenly (and through a friend who had come back into my life) my entire world unwound even worse. I’ve been homeless the last year displaced to another state. Lost all my doctors after months in medical hospitals. So much stuff. So much more trauma. My medical specifics have complicated all of it too. Can’t stay in a shelter because of them and also can’t get more intensive mental health care because of it (can’t be inpatient or such dependent on 24/7 IV infusions because obviously in a place that won’t allow shoelaces an IV line..).
Anyway. I share this to let you know not only is it not your fault but you weren’t unique in being an adult at the time. I mentioned the power dynamic above and all. What’s wild is no one has reported this therapist of mine yet despite me clearly being wildly messed up over it and sharing so much about all the wildly inappropriate stuff she did and arguably as a severely disabled adult I’m a vulnerable adult by legal definitions so mandated reporters weren’t even doing their jobs. And a lot of people in the osych community keep trying to come to her defense at least until I drop a number of obviously not ok details (in the end she was abusing opiates prescribed to her sick spouse and admitted to me she couldn’t even remember the previous day when she’d seen a full caseload of clients. My god…) It’s wild how willing to look the other way the world is. Or there’s this screwy obsession with imagined abusers but the real abusers are so often these respected people in these positions that bring them close to vulnerable people. Or people who are in helping positions- clergy, health care providers, therapists… im sure the queer dynamic in my situation also played a role. And that I was absolutely just about out of my mind in trauma and grief so easier to make me the crazy one when literally I had sought this therapist out not because I had any particular mental health issues (something she herself would even attest to. Though I am autistic.) but because I had moved to a new place I so wanted to be and was struggling to meet people and get my healthcare better esthablished and I was hoping for help communicating with doctors and just improving my quality of life with a really difficult and life limiting disease. And dealing with medical trauma and the reality of dying young.
Grooming isn’t just for little kids. And some of us who were groomed and abused as kids end up falling into repeating patterns of it. I have. Sounds like in a sense so have you. Like even if this was your one and only grooming experience, you say yourself how much the domestic abuse in your family was a huge contributor to it. It’s notable that YK therapist and I bonded over similar backgrounds with our mothers and seemed to both remind one another of our mothers. It’s a real psychological fact, I’ve heard mentioned by Bessel Van Der Kolk who wrote The Body Keeps the Score that traumatized people tend to attract more trauma. And I don’t know what stories you’re groomer told you but I’m going to just hazard a guess he also had an abuse history of some kind or difficult family growing up. I’ve noticed a lot of these types (most of my groomers didn’t SA me either btw but like what happened with this therapist. It’s still abuse and this last round for me has actually been even more painful and damaging and life destroying than the actual R and SA I experienced as a child) tend to come from trauma and I think a lot of their behavior comes from it too. So all I know is it’s on us to break the cycle. To do our work and do whatever we can to heal and be better, healthier people.
Anyway, wrote you a whole novel. I’m so glad you shared your story. I’ve watched quite a few of your other videos and im not really from a fundamentalist background (I’m actually Jewish) but I think I like and relate to a lot of these stories because I relate to the trauma of it and I like hearing about other people healing and freeing themselves. And I’ve clearly got a long way to go on my own journey. But thank you. I can’t begin to express what it means hearing your story as im still trying so hard to heal from and process what happened to me.
Yikes. By far the longest RUclips comment I’ve ever left. Your video obviously hit really clsoe to home for me. I actually want to thank you especially for calling it what it was and sharing your story including your age. Because hey I was 28-32 for mine. And I’m still a trauma bonded (people misuse this phrase a lot but think Stockholm syndrome) mess over it.
We need to be looking out for vulnerable people of all ages and there needs to be so much mroe support and understanding. And traumatized people need to do their work. Because I do think so much of this, especially when it gets so murky or isn’t clearly s*xual (not sure how RUclips is about comments so trying to watch my language) is coming from the abusers own unresolved trauma and mental health issues. I’ve always hated the claim that abusers were abused themselves especially when it comes to SA and I’m not implying that’s always true. I do think it’s possible my therapist and your Mr. Jones didn’t even fully understand what they were doing while they did it. Both clearly did show signs of realizing on some level it was wrong but seemed unable to help themselves. It’s messy that way, I think.
So yeah enough of my rambling. But healing is so, so important. I’m proud of you for reaching a place and finding the strength to share your story.
There are a lot of great male role models out there but it is men like this who keep us on guard. It is so sad that someone would take advantage this way, but you are so brave to share this.
No respectful middle aged married man is trying to have private conversations with any 18 year old girl.
@@conclavecabal.h0rriphic the timings of his emails and wanting to be phoned at work are dead giveaways to anyone with more life experience.
@@kellydalstok8900 I'm 22 and I was even like 🚩
This is so clearly still so heavy for you. The pauses, the confusion, it's like it's all still there. I have never been so glad to know that you have gotten out.
I'm sending support and admiration for your bravery and strength. ❤
My heart hurts for young Elly. Thank you for sharing your story, and I am so glad that it has helped you to do so. I can relate in my own way to what you said about being the mediator in your family when you were young, and feeling like it was your responsibility to save/fix the family and your parents’ relationship. It is so easy for a young person in that situation to be groomed and taken advantage of. I could say more, but ultimately it just boils down to this: Thank you for sharing. You are helping many more people than you know. You matter, and your story matters.
I relate very strongly to much of what you said in your story and thank you so much for sharing it. Grooming can leave such a heavy psychological scar -- especially for those of us who are highly sensative people. I am grateful that it has gotten more validation in recent years. (Though, I also am very frustrated with how the term is currently being abused and misapplied to things which are NOT grooming.)
It so funny that I saw your post today because I dreamed about my groomer (a high school teacher) last night. Amazing that he still holds such power and I'm a middle aged woman now! I thinkone of the most lingering things is when we never really know the extent of their motivations. Unlike you, my groomer did express his romantic feelings, but like you things never extended to a physical transgression. However, I still pick apart in my mind whether he was just manipulating me or whether his feelings were valid and misplaced. I'm mature enough now to know that it doesn't matter -- he was in the wrong either way. But knowing for sure would bring some added closure.
It takes so much courage to share things like this, and it's easy to take for granted. This topic is close to home in many ways for me, and it is so helpful and comforting to see how strong you are to share and work through it, and still with so much kindness and compassion. Thank you!
i really missed you videos, ellie. your voice is so calm and soothing and i enjoy listening to your experiences as i’m someone who did not grow up fundie. i’m glad you were able to find the strength to tell your story and hope that making this video will help you with your healing. much love
You are so eloquent and thoughtful and respectful in your storytelling and recounts of just f*cked up sh*t that has been done to you and that you have walked through with so much grace and courage, i might add. Thank you for sharing this story; I know it was painful to remember. And I am so grateful for your channel!
I am so glad you shared this and you feel lighter. I am glad you are in a place right now where you realize you were not responsible for this. I am sure others who experienced this kind of trauma will benefit from your courageous voice. Keep up the good work.
Can't wait to listen when I have the time been really missing your content and this was a gift even if it's on such a hard topic your voice+viewpoints always bring me comfort.
Every video you make is amazing. Mr. Jones makes my skin crawl! Thank you for sharing this with us 💖
I was raised the same as you: as female, to look after my younger sisters, incredibly naive, in a conservative evangelical cult (though imo the whole movement is cultish). It really does make you vulnerable to so much abuse, even regular relationships are damaging because of the unawareness of boundaries and rights and I'd say the whole culture ALREADY grooms afab people to be dependent on and subservient to men and to actually worship them tbh and see marriage as salvation from their awfully oppressive lives without even realising.
If you ask me, abuse is a feature of "purity culture," not a bug. Treating other humans as a fetishized type of property is just gross. I recently saw "Women Talking" and was crying cathartic tears of rage.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and educate others, and for always being so thoughtful when talking about others, it shows real emotional intelligence. I hope you'll be safe and will manage to keep living and traveling wherever you wish to ❤
I’m so sorry you went through that. Sending solidarity to you!
I’m very proud of you Ellie, and you have no idea how helpful this account is!! I wish the best, and I’m sending you the strongest good vibes and intentions I can muster!
Thank you for sharing with us, I'm so glad you're feeling better after doing so. Your story means so much to so many
Dear Elly,
Thank you for sharing your story. I admire you for being so strong and speaking up about your experiences. I am so sorry that you had to go through this.
I am sending love and healing your way!
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I’m so glad you’ve gotten to a place where you can talk about it and have some of that weight lifted. It helps so many people to hear your story💕
You're an incredibly strong, intelligent, and resilient person. Thank you so much for sharing. I've learned so much from you and I've talked about your videos in my own therapy sessions!
When I saw you uploaded this I had to save for later, because I knew it was going to be a heavy one for me.
I went through the same thing from the ages of 14-16. Didn’t realize it was wrong until I was 29. Same reaction as you, flooded with ptsd symptoms. I’ve moved past the grief enough to know it’s absolutely not my fault. But hearing you share your experience was incredibly validating. ❤
I hope you're doing well! Thank you for sharing your story with us, I always look forward to your videos.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and I can't imagine how hard it was to make this, but I'm glad you did and I hope you're doing ok❤
You're so brave to bring your situation to light. I'm glad you feel stronger and better! Your story will surely be helpful to others!
Omg. Thank you so much for sharing this. This is such good insight into these situations. It can be so confusing.
And it’s so hard to explain because nothing they can be quoted as saying is nefarious on its own. It’s the sum of the entire situation that must be considered.
I’m so glad you see this for what it is now and are sharing your experience.
Thank you so, so much for sharing this Ellie. ♥
Thank you for sharing this incredibly difficult topic. I know it is so difficult to talk about! What you are doing is so important ❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience with us! 🌻 We appreciate you! 🌸
You were never at fault beautiful soul. Don’t feel ashamed for looking for a supportive adult to help you out of your situation. I’ve been through similar, where luckily I didn’t get SA’d either. Unfortunately he told me to delete messages, because he had incited me to send inappropriate pictures. I’m so proud of you for speaking out. You’re a strong woman, and you do only realise as an adult. I’m glad you’re getting therapy and educating others in these issues. You’re very brave, so thank you- from myself, survivors and current victims. 💖
You have so much courage Elly.
Your childhood experience was horrific. You were parentified at such a young age. You were brainwashed and abused.
Yet here you are today bringing so much awareness to who knows how many people!
You’re amazing. Keep doing you, because you are spectacular ✨
Wow Elly. You are an inspiration. The people you are freeing with your message. I feel humbled to hear this story. All the best for you every day! 😍😍
Seriously, congratulations on both surviving and processing your trauma. It's a huge step and I'm happy for you that you were able to make it, keep working on yourself and never stop improving!
I was also groomed at the age of 18 by a man at my church. Purity culture really affected me. I remember myself feeling unsafe around him all the time, and trying to wear long sleeves and long pants whenever I was around him because he always looked at me lustfully. And when the grooming reached the stage of SA, I was repenting daily for my sins, although I am sure that in retrospect, that I had always had a good intention, but purity culture made me guilt trapping myself. And that constant guilt made me have chronic back pain. Now Whenever I explore sexually now I would evoke that chronic back pain again. Im still a Christian but I believe God is above purity culture and instead he just want us to be happy and safe at heart, body, souls and mind. ❤
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your experiences with all of us! I was groomed as a pre teen/teenager by a member of my family and in tuning into your experience, I've been able to tune back into my own and unpack it for what it truly was, and to let go of the guilt in thinking (and being told) it was my fault. Your channel is amazing and I thank you for your voice. ❤
Thanks for sharing your story. I am so proud of you for doing this. This happened a lot of many of us who were naive 18 yr olds.
I hope you can be proud & celebrate that you made your way through & survived, despite being vulnerable and emotionally overwhelmed by your family’s Domestic Abuse. No shame needed, you are an amazing warrior! Your family is so fortunate to have such strength to lead & support them ❤
Thank you for sharing your story ❤️. You are so brave for doing so, and my heart breaks for the situations your 18 year old self were put in. I totally agree that fundamentalism places teenagers in such a vulnerable position by sheltering them so much from "the world" that we don't see when we are being abused or know how to stand up for ourselves. I have definitely experienced similar situations in my teen years as a fundie. I'm so sorry you had to go through this and I hope you know you are not to blame in any way!
I'm amazed at your courage in sharing your experiences.
This gross grooming happens so often in conservative circles.
Too many conservatives out there convincing kids that they need to chop off their dingdongs lol.
I can’t handle this today but it’s on my save later and I’m here to comment because I know this is important and I’m gonna mute this and let it play today and I’m gonna come back and listen when I can stand it. I see you. I believe you. I’m proud of you. I’m doing what I can manage to do, to support you. 💜
I will come back, and I will hear you.
Thank you for sharing, Elly. Unfortunately my own fundie family has had similar experiences with creepy older men. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but you have come so far and your strength is admirable. It feels better knowing my family wasn't the only target of these people. Makes me feel less crazy.
It means a lot that you shared this; I was groomed as a child and young teen in a homeschooled Christian household and again when in high school and it really is a perspective-shattering experience to understand not just the things that made you vulnerable at the time like abuse and trauma, but the way that that had been manipulated by another person and how those experiences shape your viewpoints.
Seeing someone else’s story, even if many aspects are different, is relieving in its own way; by nature of circumstances these things are often hidden and pushed away, hard to talk about, and it’s not like it’s a fun topic to bring up at parties.
It can feel insanely vulnerable to even acknowledge it and terrifying to face the reality of the implications of grooming and related abuse, and so to see someone who understands and is willing to talk about their experiences, while saddening to see someone else effected by it, is almost a breath of fresh air on a wound often kept concealed, if that makes sense.
Overall, thank you for sharing and I’m glad talking about it could give you some release. It sounds like it was hard to work up to talking about it and I’m glad you are able to put that out there and are surrounded by better people in your life now.
I’m so sorry you went through this, you really were caught between a rock and a hard place with no one to turn to. Thanks for sharing your truth ❤
Extremely relatable. You’re an absolute queen. I’m so inspired by you, you’re an amazing role model!!!! ❤
Thank you for sharing, Elly. I've missed your videos a lot but hopefully you've been able to focus on you and take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry that happened, my dad was a manipulative misogynist who treated me like a child and kept me extremely sheltered besides when it came to raising my siblings for him so I totally know what you mean by being 18 but not a full adult with adult knowledge. It made it easier for him to abuse me emotionally and physically and I also latched on to any father figure I could. I can only imagine the pain you felt when Mr Jones stopped talking to you and that one "healthy" feeling connection seems gone. I'm sure you know this but I just want to remind you and myself that it's not our faults and we were just naive children. I'm thankful that he didn't get more time to prey on you and I'm glad you could grow into a healthy adult despite ur father. I'm still trying myself, I'm 26 and still feel like a scared little kid a lot of the time. Thank you for sharing!!
I am so glad you "messed up"! All the harm and disappointment of his distance is better than whatever stuff he was trying to bring about. I can relate to similar feelings of blaming myself for being young and trusting :(
Thanks for your vulnerability in telling your story. It really is your biggest strength ❤
Elly, thank you as always for sharing with us. Your channel has helped me so much personally.
I had a similar-ish experience to this. When I was a junior in high school, I overheard one of my teachers speaking about pornography and masturbation with a peer of mine (who was also a friend at the time). I did not like what I was hearing and felt a need to interfere, so I mentioned how I found those things tempting as well. Somehow this lead to me and my teacher having weekly lunch meetings in his classroom with the door closed. I want to emphasize that no S.A. happened. Like you, I did not have access to therapy, so these became liberating sessions for me to (somewhat freely) discuss my internal issues. We also started having conversations over Facebook, which was definitely against the school protocol he was supposed to follow as a teacher. After not speaking to him for a few years, he randomly reached out to me. I believe I had blocked him on the primary social media we interacted on, so he found me on another one. Within the week prior, it became public (as in through our local news media) that another teacher from the school whom I would interact with in and out of school was arrested for various S.A. charges. For the teacher I had been communicating with, this shook him to the core and he seemed panicked about it. He mentioned that he felt he could see himself in the arrested teacher's shoes, which was a major red flag to me. A friend of mine, who was a few grades below me, mentioned he had heard that the initial teacher had made some really odd statements about how the female students were "tempting" him when they wore their skirts too high or other fashion choices. I seriously debated reporting him to the police for a week before dropping it and deciding there wasn't anything definitive that they could investigate him for.
Kinda like the things that former actress Jennette McCurdy went through during her childhood years especially during her days on Nickelodeon and the shit that that pos Dan Schneider as well as her abusive mother put her through. She even wrote about it in her autobiography entitled I’m Glad My Mom Died. Nobody deserves to go through that kind of treatment. This is exactly why I hate religious fundamentalism as well as conservatism. I cannot believe that anybody would think these things are okay
I went through a similar experience, although I was 21/22 and he was (gross) my cousin’s husband. I have never told anyone really. Thank you so much.
Oh u have to tell because if not stop he will carry on doing that to others, think about others
@@africansister I’ve thought about your comment a lot since you posted it. He wasn’t doing anything illegal, he was just being a manipulative creep. Telling anyone would make me look weird and whiny, and result in nothing bad for him. I don’t live near him and he has since divorced out of the family. It seems useless. Also, the idea of talking to anyone about it feels traumatic… which sounds ridiculous to say/write, but whatever, that’s how it feels. So, I’m not going to talk about it.
Thank you so much for having the courage to tell your story. Maybe some day I’ll be able to tell mine, too.
Thank you for sharing Ellie 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
🔑🔒My sister once advised me that when you keep your fears locked up inside you, they grow larger. When you tell someone, they lose their power. Kudos to you for unlocking that door.
I'm subscribed to you and this video never popped up on my home page, which is at least the second time that has happened to me with your videos. :/
I'm glad that sharing this seems to have let you feel some distance and closure about such a troubling series of memories!
Thank you for sharing this with us. It means so much to me to get more perspective on my own experiences growing up in my parents very fundamentalist group. Speaking up about our experiences is so empowering.
I was just thinking of you this morning, wondering how you are doing. I am so proud of you for telling your story ❤
You are so brave for putting this out there!