My Dad's Domestic Violence and Abuse | Power and Control in Christian Fundamentalism
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- Опубликовано: 2 июл 2024
- This video is about my dad’s domestic violence and abuse. I briefly explain the power and control wheel, as well as the gender hierarchy in Christian fundamentalism. To share my story, I give a timeline of traumatic events that happened in my family. I also explain the effect these incidents had on my mental health. Thanks so much for watching!
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
Power and Control Wheel: www.thehotline.org/identify-a...
“Love and abuse cannot coexist.” - bell hooks
“All About Love: New Visions” by bell hooks: bookshop.org/books/all-about-...
“MICHAEL AND DEBI PEARL” by Fundie Fridays: • To Train (abuse) Up A ...
[Timestamps]
00:00 - The Power and Control Wheel
04:17 - Toxic family dynamics growing up
10:11 - How the DV started in 2008
16:23 - My mental health and self-harm
19:12 - Love and abuse interconnected
22:20 - The 1st time I saw physical abuse
25:31 - Physical abuse patterns
28:08 - The core conflict between my parents
30:46 - Wild at Heart "Bootcamp" mens conference
32:33 - Emotional abuse and violent intimidation
37:30 - Church mediation (2010) to restraining order (2014)
39:56 - Created to Be His Helpmeet & toxic theology
[Background Music]
Title: Beautiful Ambient Background
www.hooksounds.com
Image description: After a brief clip of Elly talking, this video begins with a content warning, which says: “Content Warning: Domestic violence and self-harm. Detailed descriptions of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse.” During the rest of the video, Elly- white with brown eyes, shoulder-length brown hair, and wearing an orange button-up shirt- sits on a bed as she talks to the camera. Her black dog is laying on the bed behind her, and the wall is draped with a string of lights.
#DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #ReligiousTrauma #Exvangelical
Thanks for talking about the gendered dynamics. For trans people (of any gender), often abuse shows up as control around personal appearance, access to medication, and deploying the reality of societal violence to control the person. As a result of these unique features (as well as plain old hatred and fear of trans people) most DV agencies don't serve trans people. Yet any DV agencies that get money from the government MUST provide comparable service to trans and non-binary people. FORGE is a great organization that helps trans survivors bc the mainstream DV movement refuses to.
Thank you for sharing this! I am pinning your comment so others can read it and also check out FORGE.
@@ExFundieDiaries sorry for the info dump. Can you tell I am so fired up about this? 😆
Why would they refuse to trans ppl? Sometimes I can’t stand those orgs
it's also just because most DV agencies are only for cis women, period, openly. some are for cis and trans women. ones that accept men or non-women are VERY rare and VERY full. my ex was in SEVERE dv for 6 years (like he has trouble operating his wheelchair level dv) and nowhere would take him. and I know this because I saw it myself because before we were dating he was just staying at my house while he looked for resources and stuff (like applying to SSI took a long time but you aren't allowed to work while applying, and stuff like that). i saw the messages back from these places myself, it's real. he's also a trans guy so can even be like "i don't even have a dick if people are scared of that" but no dice (he's totally transitioned except for SRS which he isn't trying to get).
@@Anonymous-54545 My town's SA shelter that had the only SA help I could find in the entire town besides social workers, basically ended my trauma-processing sessions after I worked through enough of my trauma to be sure my repeated abuse wasn't "confusing" me into being a trans guy. No references to some other resources that worked with SA for men, just "if you're a man you don't belong here because we strive to give a safe space for abused women".
I think one of the hardest parts of growing up in a house like this is being expected to have total control over your emotions from age 4 but having a giant man-child bully blowing up over nothing every day.
You are absolutely right
@Princess Peach Pea yes!!
And you can't even THINK anything "ugly" (my mother's word) about a tantrum-ing narcissistic parent because the almighty thought police system of this type of Christianity.
I'm amazed all the time by how familiar this is to sooooo many of us.
Sending each and every one of you the biggest and warmest hug.
This is so true! A 4 year old can't have a temper tantrum but when the "man of the house" has one it's seen as acceptable behavior.
It really says a lot about what fundamentalists think about men and their responsibilities. It's so infantalizing to act like they can't control their emotions.
The biggest misogynists are also the biggest misandrists.
And the more you fawn over them or shower them with praise the worse they get. It just doesn't work.
I love your honesty your one brave girl tell your truth.
For people saying this is solely about an abusive husband, not the fundamentalist religion, that's just not accurate. Women are discouraged, and prevented from seeking education and having a job outside the home. Therefore they are completely dependent on their husband for their survival. After they have children (having as many as possible is encouraged) they know they can't leave because they would have no way to support themselves and their children without a job or education. This dependency is by design.
Absolutely! Even in a much more kind relationship, women are deeply limited and kept sheltered from having to deal with reality. A woman who doesn't do taxes or work a paid job is going to have a hard time alone. Even if it is a loving relationship and her husband dies, she is still dependent on others to help her, either until she learns how to cope, or for the rest of her life.
So true! This situation can and does happen without religion, but Christian fundamentalism creates the perfect environment for it.
When you are constantly told by your parents and church teachers that your role is to submit to the men in your life, you are brainwashed into thinking that you are sinning if you even question his behavior.
At the same time, men in these religions are not given the tools they need to process their emotions, and they are also told that they are in charge of the women around them.
This means men are more likely to lash out when angry, AND more likely to justify any physical violence against their wife or kids.
And it means that many of the women don't even have a framework that lets them consider leaving him.
As an ex fundamentalist, the religious brainwashing I got as a kid made it so much harder to leave because it felt like a personal failure, I believed it was my job to save him.
They would be better off in a shelter for domestic violence with council. Part of the problem is the mistrust for anything out side the church to get help. So sad.
The men in fundamentalist Christianity who aren't abusive or urged to 'man up' and take control of their women. So they either become abusive, stay single or leave fundamentalist Christianity for more liberal churches or leaving religion altogether.
As a dv survivor who’s abuser used Christianity to justify his abuse including marital sa I am so proud of you for speaking up and protecting your youngest sibling. I know your mom may never be able to thank you because she’s still stuck in the cycle but you are amazing. My daughter was 4 when I left my abuser and I left because she said “why is daddy being so ugly to you” and it woke me up.
Thank you for sharing your experience, just wondering what marital sa stands for?
@@xxCandyMan20x - sa typically stands for sexual abuse; and yes it unfortunately happens in marriage
@Ryan Hendricks no we were non-denominational Christian’s and had anti-Catholic church beliefs
It is EXTREMELY impressive how intelligent and intellectually curious you are considering the fact that your parents failed at homeschooling. Really good on you, from Fundie to bell hooks is just beautiful.
Sadly it's been my experience that people who are the most oppressed and abused ARE the ones who have these profound revelations about society, their past trauma reads as "maturity" and their way too abundant negative experiences as "wisdom" because their lives have been about questioning and wrestling with the cognitive dissonance their abusers imposed on them. They've basically been trying to steelman their opponent's position and still had it fall apart under scrutiny because the rules and status quo were never about practical applicability or building a sustainable and equitable world so much as imposing short term obedience and control tactics with no real need for accountability. These tactics are always done in bad faith, but the people oppressed by them and frequently gaslit with newer more absurd goalpost-moving and special pleading arguments often have to try in good faith to understand and resolve the argument before they eventually realise that despite what they've been taught it's not actually real, consistent or applicable.
The part about you trying to support your Mom and agree with her venting about the abuse and then she’d switch on you and tell you to not bad mouth your Dad… I got chills bc I’ve had that exact same experience. Was really confusing as a kid and even now to see the mental gymnastics they’d do to rationalize switching the story up like that. Thanks for sharing.
Hooo boy, that Everything skit. I went to a private non-denominational Christian school and our drama club did this skit. I played the girl being "tempted to harm." My drama teacher was blown away by my "performance." Little did she (or I) know, I was having panic-anxiety because I was secretly actively self-harming at the time. My self harm was totally driven by thinking that I deserved punishment, and God would forgive me if I punished myself enough.
Also, because we couldn't use a prop gun, we used a rope. I learned how to tie a noose for that skit and that exact "prop" was the center of my suicidal ideations for years.
Thank you for being so open with all of this. My trauma is religious based; I can't imagine having parental abuse thrown in. You're so strong and I admire you immensely.
So glad you survived. Hope your life is better.
I remember this skit as well
It’s so messed up how these disordered adults expect children to cope with their harmful behaviors.
Moreover, how women and children are expected to be responsible to prop the fragile
Make ego. It is an unloving cycle for sure.
The adults don't acknowledge the dynamic and /or they don't realize it's disordered. They just think it's normal.
I DO love FF but first hand accounts from brave people like you are crucial. One can watch Jen and James report on fundies and cults and still not recognize that behavior when faced with it. It's much easier to identify what's happening, or has happened, in one's own life when people like you open up and share your experiences. Thank you!
They are definitely an outside looking in sort of pair/secondary source. She's a primary source
@@vitazissel3671 Yep
@@vitazissel3671 You're right, of course, but I, for one, have learnt so much from them. I'm English, and we really don't have this fundie culture to anything like the same extent. That having been said, one never knows what goes on behind closed doors, sadly. But the UK is becoming more and more secular, to my great satisfaction. I was brought up in a strictly Catholic home, as was my husband, and we have both gone on the journey to atheism together. One afternoon, we listened to a debate, with Christopher Hitchens as one of the speakers, and it all started falling into place. The sexual abuse within the church, and the subsequent cover up, put the final nails into the coffin.
This story is so horrific; I am in awe of her bravery and honesty. She is an amazing example to anyone, and her story is a warning to us to avoid accepting facile appearances of 'happy families'.
Agreed. Jen and James are great resources, for sure, but firsthand survivor accounts are so, so important. I hope people like Elly (and now their sibling as well) continue to talk and help squash the evil that is Christian fundamentalism. They may not save everyone from it, but they can at least put information out there that will alert future generations from joining these abusive charlatans.
So I did not live in a fundamentalist household, I lived in a liberal Christian household, however, my dad would abuse my mom in very similar ways. I have a very vivid memory of my parents arguing because my mom did not want to have sex and my dad did. She was complaining about pain due to that activity. She tells me the story of when they finally went to the doctor about said pain, and she actually had a medical condition that caused the pain, and apparently my dad was shocked by this news. They ended getting divorced and I rarely speak to my dad. He still, every-time we talk tries to convert me back to Christianity and tells me that he is praying for me. When I say we lived in a liberal Christian household i mean that my mom is very liberal and my dad is center-left, as in he agrees that homosexuality is a sin, but that we are to "love the sinner hate, the sin" and that because church and state are separate it should not be illegal, whereas my mom doesn't hold too much stock in the Bible, basically just believes in God and that Jesus actually existed and died for our sins. Thankfully, my dad never hit my mom, but he did emotionally abuse her and she is better off without him.
I am a survivor of an abusive mother. Thank you for acknowledging that we exist.
As a Parole Officer I dealt with lots of family abuse. Sharing your story will help so much. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m a 38-year-old lesbian mom that grew up in a fundie household as a preacher’s kid. So much of what you talk about from homeschooling to abuse and control happened to me. It took me till I was 37 to seek therapy and understand that what I went through was abuse. I’m so glad that I was able to break the cycle with my own family.
I'm 40 so I know many men across a range of ages and noticed some of them taking on this very toxic worldview that they never had before. I figured out very quickly from the literature they were recommending me and the stock phrases they were spouting out that they had learned this stuff from somewhere. This is helpful because it shows how very well planned Christian Men's media affects people's lives in real ways. I am so sorry for your having experienced abuse. I wish you all the best.
Had the same experience with living with a father who allowed himself to go into complete meltdowns over very little. I later came to see this as a way of excersising power. He could keep us in line throught fear without having to acknowledge to himself that this was what he was doing. He was always so sorry afterwards but it was always our fault for making him angry. But he was a grown man with the self control of a toddler.
And yes, I am also very familiar with the 'reconciliation' marriage counseling offered by Christian pastors that prioritise saving the marriage above the physical and emotional well being of the people involved.
My father, although traumatized by his own fundie upbringing and a rebellious atheist who clashed constantly with my fundie mom, did very similar shit whenever he had a stick up his ass. My mother's fundamentalist beliefs left her trapped in it for a hellishly long time and kept us down too. He exerted all his power to control my life up until I was a working adult in my late twenties and shamed me for sleeping late, sitting on my bed, using my computer and a whole host of other shit no grown adult should be shamed for. He wanted me to spectate a fight with my mother one night and it was the straw that broke the camel's back and I just fled the house with my younger sister.
Now that he is divorced, he slavers for our approval and simpers and acts like a starving puppy every time we're nice enough to spend time with him. It's night and day. All his power over others is gone and he's a helpless little child again, an addict deprived of his drug and left weak. Of course he still acts like he never did anything wrong, but we all know why I only have the patience for him maybe four times a year at best.
When you talked about your dad treating your mom so badly then they’d have very loud make up sex I just had instant flashbacks to an abusive relationship I was in for a decade.. he would beat me so badly.. and then afterwards while I’m still full of fear he’d want sex.. and it would be rough and I’d be hurting and the whole time forcing my body to go along with it and try to make it good so it will go faster and be over with but just the forcing my body to do that instead of jerk away or crawl into a ball or run was hard.. and what’s sad is a lot of times I would be crying while he was on top of me and he was either clueless or he knew it and just kept going..
anyway sorry I just went into a whole flood of memories there but I think the point I was making was that I understand that she was probably trying to please him so much and she probably HATED that y’all could hear it but in her own way it was protecting y’all because it put all the focus on her and if she could relieve him with sex then he wouldn’t be as angry..
I could be wrong but it’s something I’ve done many times so..
And not to mention but on top of all that when you do love your abuser it’s so confusing and you don’t think for yourself you let them think for you cuz your so brainwashed basically.. I’m still confused about my relationship but I will never have answers because he killed himself.. and even now part of me feels guilty like it’s my fault .. sorry now I’m just unloading more of my crap.. I’m done now ..
No need to be sorry, it's important to share our experiences of abuse for ourselves and others. I know it's not much but I have great empathy for your horrible experiences. He was horrible and wrong to assault you like that, physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I hope that you can find healing, and become secure in the knowledge that his choices were his own and that you can live a happy and full life despite what he has put you through. The more we talk about this, the less shame we will feel as survivors. Thank you for sharing your story.
You don't need to be sorry. I am sorry you went through that. I'm sorry it still haunts you. I've been there too, and I understand. you aren't alone, and if here is the place you needed to put it out there, then here it is. All my love to you.
You're not responsible for someone else's choices. Do you have someone you can talk to about this? A counselor might be able to help you work through the confusion and grief and have those answers and get free of the confusion. You don't need to blame yourself or apologize. We are all doing our best and we all make mistakes, sometimes big ones.
Like others have said, please don’t be sorry for sharing your experiences. As others have also said, your experience is valid and worthy of being shared. You are worth the help you seek. ❤️
His choice of suicide is absolutely not your fault. You went through hell, and that was his choice too. He sounds like a truly appalling person. Sending you my love.
Ooooh god, this made me remember my abusive step father way more than I was expecting. The fits of violence at any given moment, the usual physical abuse, the never ending back and forths in their relationship, the "changed man" who wasn't changed at all. Kudos to you and your sister for standing up the way you did.
no wonder the PTSD! the events you describe sound terrifying, and I can only imagine the chronic stress you were living in, feeling so responsible to 'fix' your parents' marriage! I am in awe of your strength, clarity, courage and love - for yourself and for your family members!
I can't imagine how hard it was for you to script, record and edit all of this. Your strength and resolve is truly astounding.
I feel like you’re talking about my childhood. I can’t stress how closely your experience aligns with mine.
I’m in intense therapy now at the age of 36, because of my experiences growing up with an abusive fundamentalist preacher father.
Wow I'm 36 and my dad was a Fundamentalist preacher. I'm trying to sort it out. I've been to multiple therapists and none of them have really been able to help me. Do you know of any therapists or resources for ex Fundamentalists?
Wow! Your dad was an evil person. No way around it. Please don’t let him back into your life. I’m sad that he ruined your childhood (by the abuse, forcing you into a cult, etc.). Glad to see you work through it all.
you were anxious at the opening of this video and all i could think was “if anyone is brave enough to make a video like this, it’s elly”
Oh my gosh! Terrible. So sorry this happened. I'm a Christian and listening to this made me so uncomfortable, but I think all Christians should hear this. They need to hear how being fundamentalist can harm their children, and how they need to watch for stuff like this in their communities. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thanks for sharing your story.
the recount of your father kicking your bedroom in to get to you, resulting in a broken door + lock really hit for me, as i actually did the exact same thing when i was about 17 during a screaming argument with my lightly-abusive older sibling (who has anger issues + was physically abusive throughout my childhood until i got big enough to fight back)
We had been arguing through the second floor of our house, and she tried to end the argument by going into her bedroom, slamming the door, and engaging the 100+ yr old lock (listed historical building - its a UK thing). I can remember so vividly that i was so angry, i actually saw red for a split second when i blinked, and within that blink, my body had already clenched my hands into the banister + doorframe of the hallway door, locked my elbows, and I swung both of my legs up to kangaroo-kick the door in, and i hit it dead center, right by the lock.
With a serious-sounding metal SNAP noise, the door slowly shuddered open + revealed my older sibling standing in horrified shock. I just stared back, as i was also in shock at what i had just done, and immediately began apologising, and went to find a parent to tell them what i'd done. I hadn't done anything like that before, and i haven't since, as i now either communicate better or remove myself from the situation.
When the anger hit, i was determined to break my sibling's arm. that was my goal. thankfully, the door was in the way, and took the brunt of my violent reaction (which was in part to the slamming of the door to avoid actually addressing the argument, but i digress lol) my anger was in part a defensive move against an abusive person, and in part helped our relationship improve, as after this incident, my sibling realised that i was fully able to seriously injure them if provoked, and thus dialed back their treatment of me. it was also a complete over-reaction to the situation at hand, and while it felt like an out of body experience, i was horrified by the fact that i was fully prepared to seriously injure another person, and would have done it, had i not been physically prevented to by the door.
I can understand what drives a person to a violent reaction within the home/relationships, but i cant understand how an competent adult man is unable to control his emotions/reactions. his behaviour was/is ridiculous and childishly immature, along with being selfish and abusive. it was easier for him to be a terrible partner + father than it was to leave the room + talk to another adult about his issues, and while Christianity* backed him up at every single turn, it was ultimately HIM that made the decision, every single time, not to deal with his issues, not to seek help, not to step out, not to communicate, or work on himself, etc etc. He might have been basing his morality/life on Christianity*, but he made those choices himself, and he is ultimately to blame for all of the abuse he perpetuated.
*christianity used as shorthand for Christian Fundamentalism bc thats a mouthful + a half, i live between 5 christian churches + am well aware that the majority of Standard Christians are actually decent ppl + i am not trying to imply that christianity = abusive.
Not making excuses for you, and I like the way you took responsibility without excuses, but you are an abuse victim. If your parents knew and did not intervene, the whole family dynamic was bad. I hope you are getting help. Good luck to you!
It is amazing that you have been able to have a successful marriage. It seems that fundamentalism in any religion, Christianity, Islam or Judaism, just destroys the good that those religions are really about and emphasizes the extreme perverted concepts of the minority .
I mena Islam and Christianity were sued as justification for mass slaughter, enslavement, and imperialism, hell the Caliphates took over a good chunk of Asia right after Muhammad died in one of the most rapid conquests in human history.
So true
I am so so sorry. This is insane that this happened. I'm so glad you're getting healed. I hate how so many use Christianity to promote abuse. Fundamentalism is about religious dogma and not a true relationship with Christ. All these folks that follow such strict things but justify violence and harm are sick. Hugs to you 🤗
They re the morden day Pharisees unfortunately they started back in the late 1800”s or early 1900”s to preach the Gospel one time. & Invited Pastor Sperent. Who wrote Morning & Eveing!. Unfortunately Abeka Homeschooling curriculum is published by a cult college in Florida. I started investigating why A friend of mom’s had issues with it?. Unfortunately she passed away suddenly in her sleep 11/1/2 half years ago. It took few years to fully understand why they re published by a phraise. College. Their rules for the young women unbelievable. Way to many rules.
ALL religion is abusive, toxic and discourages critical thinking skills … its all just brainwashing!
@@jessicamontaperto810 What are some of the rules for young women?
@@tashajoykin5192 this was about Cult On Bill Gothard.. Alot of the rules re” inscane I ll explain a few.
No holding hands, no dating courtship only. No Reg swimsuits we see in stores). Can’ show ur skin or arms 💪 have to wear dresses & skirts. That's was up to about few years ago things might have changed under the current CEO. No kissing while courting.. Also. No pants in this cult again things might have changed under current CEO. This was from the 80”s up till 2014 he stepped down. I have to find the whole article on history of the Bill Gothard how he ran Ilp homeschooling program..
@@jessicamontaperto810 Oh, wow. Thanks for the reply. In your opinion, were these rules there to honor God, like the Jewish people with covering their hair, or was it heavily emphasized that it was to stop
men from assaulting them?
TW: physical and sexual abuse
There is a This American Life story about babies who were switched at birth. In that story, there is a moment where siblings who were raised in a strict religious household are talking about blocking the door to their room with a dresser. My house didn’t have locks on the kids rooms and even the bathroom locks were chosen so they could be opened with a quarter. Listening to your story about the door being kicked down reminds me of that lack of privacy and safety in the home. The lack of real locks was intended to facilitate parental control in the house I grew up in, but it also allowed other adults access for sexual abuse. Me and (I later learned) other siblings were abused sexually in addition to physically as children. Even if sexual abuse isn’t perpetrated by fundamentalist parents, it’s common in the systems set up by that parenting style. Personally, as a kid I had trouble differentiating my feelings about the overt sexual abuse by other adults from the feelings I had about the shaming and physical violation of my body that was part of the physical abuse from my parents. Although my adult brain recognizes that the physical discipline from my parents (while harmful) was not actually sexual abuse, emotional it is still linked to the sexual abuse that I did experience.
I have been binge watching your channel. It’s very healing to hear your experiences and to hear you voice the problems with this type of parenting. Thank you so much for posting these videos.
Shaming people about how their bodies look falls under sexual abuse. I have also experienced this type of abuse, and I didn't know that at the time.
Growing up in an abusive household..I understand. I didn’t grow up a fundie..but I understand part of your pain. I admire your strength. It’s a daily struggle..I’m in my 30s and still healing. It affects every aspect of my life and colors every interaction. I wish you luck and joy on your recovery journey. 🖤🖤🖤
The daddy appreciation dinners would be a cute idea in a household with a healthy dynamic. The way your father was, it probably just fed his ego.
I was thinking that too. ❤
This was so hard for you, but I hoped sharing helped. So much of this struck a chord with me. When I was 19, my mom confessed to me that dad cheated on her. She stayed with him for 48 years until his death. He was verbally abusive to us. Mainly, my mom and I. She, because she was co-dependent, and myself because i was a depressed, anxiety-ridden introvert in the late '70s, early 80's, and had no self-esteem because, according to him, I was "lazy". My brother was mostly spared because dad was proud of his artist son, and my social-butterfly sister was daddy's girl. I was far too old when I finally stood up to him, and threatened to tell my sister he was a cheater if he ever insulted me again. That scared him temporarily, but I never followed through, mainly because my mom begged me not to. I only visited them for my mom's sake, and toward the end of his life he suffered from depression caused by illness. He finally understood why I was the way I was and apologized for not understanding. Depression isn't something I'd wish on anyone, but I'd be a liar if I said it didn't give me a bit of satisfaction that he had a taste of what I've suffered from my whole life.
I'm also the oldest. My mom was a screamer and fly into rages. I know she knew how she was treating me was wrong because she NEVER did it when my dad or anyone else was around. I spent YEARS walking on eggshells to try to not make her angry. I chewed my nails until they bled and I would pull out my hair and pull out my eyelashes and eyebrows 😒 so yeah....self harm.
I grew up in an abusive home. My father was mysogynistic, controlling, and emotionally abusive to us all. He beat us children regularly. I dreaded is coming home from work. We were all afraid of him. My mother had no power. She was a submissive person to start and my dad and the church reinforced this. I hated him and prayed for him to die. He behaved as if he hated the older two girls once we went into puberty and my sister was abused by two uncles and a neighbor teenager from the age of about ten till twelve. Daddy tolld her he hated her and wished he could kill her. Mother was unable to protect us. Though he never hit her, she was terrified of him. I begged her to leave but she felt helpless and incapable of coping on her own.
your story sounds so much like mine. im re-watching this because i go through cycles where my dad's gaslighting makes me doubt my own memories. he denies everything. says he was perfect.
I wonder if your dad is a narcissist.
I wasn’t raised fundy by any means but your stories of abuse, people playing victim, and being a parent to your parent resonates 💜 I hope you’re finding healing and peace
I just found your channel and im binging it! I am an ex-mormon and there are so many similarities in your story and my story, I feel seen ❤️ Thank you!
I was emotionally abused for years by my mom after my parents divorce. Domestic violence caused the divorce. When my wife abandoned my kids I got custody of them but had to live w my mom for years before I could break away. It was hell.
Thank you so much for the sacrifice of putting yourself through distress by sharing this. I have a similar story. I am a lot older than you, 50, so I wish so much I could just wrap my arms around you and absorb your pain. I feel this way about every person who has gone through this. I always said, “If you’re going to abuse your children, at least don’t take them to church because that will fuck them up even more.” I later learned that the church’s patriarchy was a breeding ground for this abuse-I hadn’t realized that until I was much older. Thankfully, I was the cycle breaker. I got my sons away from my family and the church, and found peace for all of us (just in time). My 3 boys are grown now, and grew up without these burdens and with a mom and dad determined to give them the happiest childhood we could. I, for myself, am still deconstructing. I am the only one who walked away-my brothers and my mother are sticking with him and the fundamental church. I was getting comfort from progressive Christianity, like you had been, but I think my gut is going the whole way away from Christianity, like you did. Thank you so much. I am sure you are helping a lot of people. Sending you love and compassion for all you had to endure. 💖
It’s so weird though, bc in my family, my MOM was the one treated like a god and who was abusive. My father was a quiet man (we now know he’s on the spectrum), and my mom basically took over as “headship” even though she’d claim my dad was still the decider of all. He left all decisions to her. She was the yelling, angry, authoritarian one of he house, and my dad was just sometimes roped into spanking us when she was “too angry to control herself.” My parents only argued loudly 3 times that I can remember and it was terrifying, so I can’t imagine going through that on the regular!! They are still married and happy, and I’m happy to be living far away.
Did you notice how the father worship and special songs that the family sang to "daddy" are exactly like the father worship and songs in the family compound videos shown in documentaries about the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS) and Warren Jeffs??
Your story definitely needs to become a movie
It amazes me how similar abusers are. Like a course they all take or something. God bless you on your journey!
Thank you for this well researched video.
In my case, I was beaten by both of my parents since I was a toddler. I grew up with pain being the punishment for wrong doing, failure, disobedience... And even when I left the cult and my family when I was 17, I thought everything was over. Only that it wasn't. I couldn't cope with personal failure or mistakes, since there was no one there to punish or inflict pain on me. I badly needed an outlet and started inflicting pain to myself in various forms: had I failed an exam, I didn't allow myself to eat for up to two days, had I forgotten something or broke something, I hit my head against the wall... Stuff like that. I didn't even notice it until I moved in with my boyfriend and he got scared of me.
Ritual or faith based domestic violence has so many deep affects on a person.
Same. I hope you are finding help and on the path to recovery, you don't deserve pain, everyone makes mistakes. ❤️
I'm so sorry for what you went through. My parents divorced when I was a young adult and it was absolutely devastating. Our family did not experience the physical abuse that your dad did, so I can't imagine how hard that was. But a lot of what you said in this video was relatable to me.
So glad you got away from fundamentalist BS.
i love that you tell the truth.
You are helping people.
I was a big cheek bitter as a kid (and even into adulthood) and I was only able to realize recently that it was a form of self harm. I had an abusive mother as well and just bottled all of my emotions up and dealt with them by hurting myself.
Side note: that part about your mom TELLING you that they were about to have sex is just…awful
Elly, you are so brave!! Hats off and standing ovation!! Thank you very much!!💞
My dad is such a good man, and I stopped calling him "daddy" at nine-ish? We never worshipped him or anything. The party that you guys had, from a healthy father-daughter relationship, is really disturbing.
I'm still Christian btw, not deconstructing either, just grew up with a better family and want to emulate that. My roommate however grew up like that, and I'm trying to understand her better. Also you're helping me to spot red flags in men.
Thank you.
Massive respect for sharing your story in such a straightforward yet sensitive way.❤
You are so strong to share your story, i admire you tremendously!
Wow. Your experience of having your mom complain about how your dad treated her and then getting upset with you for showing anger towards him about it sure brought back memories. And when I knew she was going to do this and didn't show anger, she got mad at me for "not caring" how she was being treated. It was a no win situation for me.
Thank you for shining light.
Thank you for being so brave and Sharing! This is so heartbreaking
My heart goes out to you because of all you went through. Thank you for bravely sharing.
Listening to your horrifying experiences in the one place where you should have felt the safest and hearing how you were betrayed by both of your patents who should have been the two people you could always count on for unquestioning love and support, was devastating and heartbreaking. Even though I was emotionally abused by my mom, my life was far far better than what you were forced to endure in your home! It’s amazing (even miraculous) that you survived such abuse and had the determination and strength necessary to find out the why of your situation, and you are such a positive inspiration for victims of abuse, for fundamentalist Christians who have come to recognize the sexism, misogyny, and violence of fundamentalist Christian teachings and long to leave, and for anyone who suffers and believes things will never change! Side Note: During the quarantine, I started watching a couple true crime RUclips channels (That Chapter, Coffeehouse Crime, etc.), and it was shocking for me to discover how many brutal crimes are committed by individuals (primarily men) who were born, raised, and were active members in their fundamentalist Christian churches or the LDS church, or were committed by individuals who raised in that environment and subjected to severe corporal punishment as children. I am a Holocaust scholar who loves to research everything, so I had to find out if my view was valid, and I was astounded by the stats on violent crime committed by fundamentalist Christians. For example, in a study of church attendance by region, the Bible Belt has the highest church attendance in the country, but it also has a significantly higher murder rate than the national average. And in state study of church attendance, Louisiana is number one and their crime rate is double the national average. In fact, America has more fundamentalist Christians than any other country on earth, and America’s crime rate, particularly violent crime, is much higher than any other country on earth. However, in Italy and Ireland, where Catholicism is embraced by a significant majority of the population, the incidences of violent crime is much lower than here in the US. Why? Well,
studies show that because fundamentalists adhere to the strictest and most literal interpretation of the Bible, they inherently believe in the vengeance and violent retribution which the Bible is embraces. One professor cited, “… numerous passages from the Bible to show that it is ‘rife with violence, particularly violent retribution’…When viewed as the literal word of God, this conveys God’s blessing on the use of violence in the fact of opposition to anything perceived as being God’s will’.” So, as you experienced, fundamentalist belief systems empower men, objectifies women, and are a breeding ground for an authoritarian mindset which supports authoritarianism and vilifies diversity.
Beautifully put.
What attracts people to God is often the way they perceive Him to be like them. So, if they're abusive, controlling misogynistic creeps they're going to be attracted to things like "headship, female submission, purity culture", etc...
I found you through a comment on Fundie Fridays, I love hearing about people’s deconstruction stories and what it’s like growing up in fundamentalism. You’ve got my sub!
That's how I found her too!
Thank you for being brave enough to tell us your story. Sending you a hug.
I’m so glad you are healing. Thank you for sharing your story
You are an INCREDIBLE strong woman! Thank you for sharing! 💕
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story, it takes so much courage to talk about experiences like this, you are amazing!
I am relating to you. In my 20's I scratched my legs until they'd bleed. Used to bite my arms too. I had so much rage in me. When I had kids I'd hurt myself so I wouldn't take it out on them.
I am so proud of you for this. I just found your channel, but you are a gift to this platform. Thank you for being so willing to talk about your experiences.
Wow this is really hard to watch .. but of course I can only imagine how hard it was to live through it. I'm sorry you had to go through that. :(
Thank you for sharing. I am proud of you. You were able to clearly articulate your struggles and share your experience even though it is distressing for you. I only recently found your channel through the algorithm, but I have been moved by your thoughtful and honest explanation of your life. You are a wonderful human ❤ I will be a long-time subscriber and I am thankful to have found your channel. Thank you for sharing with us.
❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for being so brave and sharing this.
I am so sorry you and your siblings and mom went through this. Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing.
Girl I just found your channel, and now I'm roaming through all of your videos 💖 I just wanted to let you know, how impressed I am, you are so super strong and Im so glad, you not just made it out, but you seem so incredibly strong and work on your healing like a lioness ❤️🙏🏻🥰
You are one brave angel. You are helping so many through your sharing and showing what a lovely person you have become.
Hi, thank you so much. You express yourself so beautifully and clearly. I had to take my time watching this video, those stories are so hard to hear, but so important. Most of all it is so important and encouraging to see you healing and flourishing after having been through that.
❤️
Thank you for your courage and your strength to tell your story and your work on exposing this toxic and abusive mechanisms! We need a lot more education concerning these topics all around the world and you do a really great job 👏 Greetings from Europe
32:40 made me literally smile and tear up because of how seen I felt. Thank you so much
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds so much like mine. I'm so glad we made it out
Wow! It really hits home to hear you talking about these things. I know my own indoctrination wasn't nearly as all encompassing as what you went through (even though extended family members were subjected to it), and I was easily able to escape from it -- at the cost of losing nearly all of my ties to any family, but the same threads that hold it all together were things I had to live through as well and I have more trauma stemming from my father's abusive treatment of myself and my family than from any other source -- and that's saying a lot. I just found your channel and I plan on staying to follow your journey. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences
Your bravery is so inspiring. Thank you for starting this channel and sharing your experiences. You will help so many people coming out of these extremest environments. You are a strong, powerful woman. Keep using your voice!
Thank you for sharing your story. It's always important to share these kinds of story's. Honestly currently i am unable emotionally to watch the whole video all at once.and thank you for adding that bit at the beginning.
Thank you. For your bravery. From the bottom of my heart, thank you
This was incredibly triggering for me, but I chose to watch anyways. I am a grown woman, but my mom has been with my incredibly narcissistic and emotionally abusive stepdad - who has cheated on her many times - for almost 20 years, and will not leave. Your situation sounds much more dire, especially with the physical abuse and religious elements, but so much of what you shared rang true for me. I became enmeshed with my mom at a young age, so witnessing the abuse has been excruciating for me for years. And now, I am watching my 13 year old half-sister suffer: self harming (skin picking, hair pulling, and most recently cutting herself), being institutionalized for an eating disorder, and expressing suicidal ideation. When you described (around 27:30) your mom venting about everything he did to her, you taking on the pain and expressing concern, and her flipping her position, I had to stop and write this comment. It is too painfully accurate. Even now, with my sister in a very dangerous mental state and things being bad since the earliest days of their relationship, her goal is to save the marriage. (She is not, but grew up with parents who are their own flavor of Christian fundamentalists.) I'm honestly afraid for my sister's life and would call CPS, except that my stepdad is a man with a lot of money and power, he is not abusing my sister directly (it is witnessing the toxic relationship that is breaking her down), and they are technically "handling" the situation (she is in treatment, they are in therapy, etc). I am pregnant and don't ever want to expose my child to this. I've already expressed years ago that no child of mine would ever call him "grandpa." I am just so exhausted and heartbroken and there's nothing I can seem to do. Sorry to vent, thank you very much for making this video.
This really hit home for me. I went through similar abuse growing up, and even now as an adult, it still hurts so much to remember everything I went through. I will never completely be over it.
I could not physically finish this video because the mentions of sex in that way you described brings up my own traumatic memories, but knowing what that feels like to have to go through, I'm so sorry :(
It’s amazing that you have the strength to talk about such painful experiences in such a public way. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing, I hope it has helped you. It saddens me how many commenters can relate, but it is also so helpful for people to know they are NOT alone and that others have been through similar experiences
I stumbled across this Channel and can’t stop watching. She is so strong for coming all this way and sharing her story for others. Discussing these topics is already so hard and she does it online for anyone to see. The strength and soul this woman has is so inspiring. 💕
Thank you so much for sharing your pain. I am also a survivor of domestic violence. You are so appreciated Elly!
Thank you for sharing your story you are so very brave. Keep spreading the message.
Thank you, Elly, for being so brave and for speaking out. I'm sure it was very, very difficult for you but you pushed through
Thank you for sharing about your experience. I can't imagine the strength it took not only to talk about this but also to have survived it.
Thanks for sharing Ellie. I know how hard it can be. I was physically scared of my dad his entire life. I was in my 40s when he passed, and even at that point I felt visceral feelings of fear when he would start to wind up. Abuse is pervasive, and incredibly damaging, on so many levels. I hope you are continuing to get all the help and support you need to recover yourself fully.
Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing your story. Your upbringing is incredibly similar to my own - fundamental evangelical conservative Christian, homeschooled (using the A.C.E. curriculum), extremely abusive home environment with literally every form of abuse, my father was my s*xual abuser, etc.
I have so often felt like my siblings and I were alone in our abuses, because of course one didn't discuss what went on behind closed doors. Thank you so much for showing that others have gone to much the same abuses, I know that is incredibly tough to do & I truly appreciate your strength and bravery in sharing.
I am truly sorry you and your family went through so much trauma.
one of the big problems in situations like these is that older children are often used by the abused parent as their confidante. they are told things that are so inappropriate about the parental relationship and are in effect made to take a responsible role. children are by their very nature immature and unable to understand what is going on around them fully and to be told the details is in my opinion a form of abuse in itself. as you said children do feel responsibility for the family's plight and to heap more on them is bloody unfair. my family was not dissimilar and to be forced to hear details was awful. both my parents were abusive in their own ways and neither realised that they should be protecting their children and separating. thank you for highlighting that aspect.
The worst part of an abusive home is seeing your mom break down again and again. I was in a non fundamentalist based abusive home that was similar, and it was horrible
Thank you for talking about this. I know it's not easy. Honestly, I didn't expect your experience with abusive parents to be so similar to my own, and while it was a little hard to listen at points, it was also very reaffirming. I'm currently estranged from all of my family (except my younger sister, who at least realizes how toxic our family is) and I'm so much happier and healthier living on my own. For those of you who may still be trapped in an abusive environment, keep working on finding your way out. It's not easy, and it's terrifying, but you will find your way. It gets better. Know that your feelings are completely valid.
You are so generous and articulate about sharing what happened
This talk hit me hard. I’m so sorry you had to experience this in your childhood and younger years.
I had to click away because this was so triggering, but I wanted to say I'm so proud of you for telling your story and for all the hard work of healing you have done for yourself. ❤️
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. Truly.
What a chaotic environment that you grew up in. I’m glad that you were able to make it out. 💜
Thank you for being willing to speak on your trauma to help others. It must be painful to relive everything, you're a blessing for giving guidance to girls stuck under the same systems of abuse.
Thank you for sharing. It sounds like your experience is very similar to mine. I also formed a pattern of hiding downstairs in my bedroom when my dad was having an anger outburst or in a fight with my mom. But because my bedroom was under the stairs, I began to fear the sound of someone coming down the stairs because he would often stomp down them in a rage before bursting my bedroom door open with whatever he was mad about. It's been decades now, but I still experience a physical response of nerves when I hear loud footsteps in any house, especially ones that come from a floor above me.
Thank you for sharing your story. This is very eye opening. It's sad how in this cult women have no value and feel like they can't escape.