These cults/families stop these girls from having relationships with boys their own age yet expect these girls to be ready for the harsh reality of marriage and sex? I can’t even imagine how traumatic that would be.
Relationships , how to navigate, how to give and receive respect, what is not good behavior, what is good behavior is not easy, and it takes time and different types of people interactions.
I realized as a teenager that there was no chance of actually knowing what a potential partner was like before marriage, so I resolved to never marry. I could never understand why the other girls I knew were willing to risk it.
“Keith” sounds exactly like a guy I went to high school with who was super religious. Every girl he dated was his “fiancé” and I’m sure he also gave out more than one promise ring. But he was still super flirtatious with every other girl even when he was in these relationships. It’s like he used his Christianity as a way to convince all the girls he was really a great guy. I pined over him a lot and definitely wrote a bunch in my diary about him. Looking back, he was just a bro using his “faith” to attract girls from religious households.
Not sure about the fakeness of him. I worked with a girl who would be engaged to evey boy she was in a relationship with, even a short relationship. I think it's part of the religion 🤔
I knew a man like this too, but we were in our 20s. He started talking about marriage on the first date. I had enough experience with relationships to know this wasn’t normal. I was glad to have met a man who wanted the same thing I did, but I knew something about this was a red flag. Unfortunately, this talk of quick commitment caused me to invest more in the relationship than he did. I don’t really know what his agenda was in doing this, but found it to be really dishonest. I think, perhaps, he thought this was something a good Christian guy would do because he is “dating with the intent to marry,” idk, but it was absolutely weird and dishonest.
The impression I get is that these kids and young adults jump quickly into these relationships and go so far as to be engaged because then if they engage in "promiscuous" behavior like holding hands and the occasional kiss it's justified because they intend to be married. It's kind of a scam used by "good guys" to get naive and innocent girls to do things they wouldn't otherwise do. Some people need to be engaged before they can get more physical.
Your mom made a HUGE mistake in the way that she dealt with your crush! First of all, you're 14, he's 16, and he lives far away; it will inevitably fall apart, but in the meantime you'll get the "relationship" experience with a boy whom you'll never see in person... as a mom, that sounds perfect to me! But her biggest mistake was telling you that if he finds a way to contact you, then you'll know it's meant to be. That boy could EASILY contact your neighbor for your info, and your own mom just told you that if he does, it's fate! She assigned a level of importance to him that you weren't even considering! If he were to write to you after that, you would take it as a sign that you belonged together, and you likely would have put up with more than you should because he is your gift from God, and God obviously has a plan... Your mom did NOT think that through
Yeah, magical thinking can have some pretty damaging outcomes. Looking for signs from God in every little thing can lead people down some pretty awful roads in life. Plus, it can waste a lot of time; instead of just living your life in a way that makes you comfortable and happy you're on the constant lookout for signs that are nothing more than wish fulfillments that may never happen.
I would be a bit more concerned the age. It makes me feel uncomfortable as a 16-year-old. 14 year old are babies in my eyes. I'm not very grown, but they're just so much less grown than me.
Holy sh*t. I had no idea there was a word for this. My mom described enmeshment as one of her goals in raising us so that we would always behave even when she wasn't around. It's caused me a lot of issues but I had NO IDEA this was something other people struggled with or that there was a WORD!!!!
Oh gosh, the idea that you can "ruin your life" by one conversation or letter/text to a boy when you're 15 was a huge theme when I was a teenager. Love that conservative homeschool Christian life 🙄
I feel so badly for Lydia. She played be ALL the rules that her parents laid down, more than her other elder siblings, yet they were harder on her than with Micah and her brother- it took her ages to even get a phone. I'm glad for the other kids' freedom and breaking away, but it seems to be at a cost to Lydia's freedoms. Maybe that's a conscious decision to try and get the kids back, dangling her freedom on a line
They did kick both Micah and Moriah out of the house the night before they moved to the new house. Moriah was still under 18 which is illegal. This was not talked about on the show. I do think some of Lydia's compliance now is due to knowing that she could be kicked out if she doesn't follow the rules.
I'm always impressed with your teenage writing skills. The content is heartbreaking and the language reeks of indoctrination, but it's very well written for a young teen.
Arwen is a strongwilled and brave woman who breaks with her family's expectations to go her own way and follow her heart. Pretty great to be compared with. :)
I had forgotten about the “letters to my future husband” i wrote as a teenager. Im sure they ended up in the trash. I remember being a teenager, looking around in my church wondering who my future husband would be. 30 + years later, nope, it didnt work out that way.
All the talk about “if he doesn’t find your address and write you- it was never meant to be” really puts a lot of weight on every small decision. I used to to do this all the time. So much anxiety!
Honestly, teenagers are often so self-segregated, or sent to single-sex schools, that the situation of having a crush on someone you’ve only met once, or glimpsed on the train, etc. is very common!
As bullied child (thoroughly secular), I pined for about eight years over a boy I met roller skating in first grade. I think you are spot on - isolated kids latch onto the idea of love.
Exactly. This was me with a boy I met on a family trip to Mexico lol. I was there for 2 weeks and only saw him a few times during the trip but he left a huge impression on me. My family is from a small town so I had this whole fantasy in my head that I was going to run away someday with this boy. I’m not gonna lie he was still one of the most beautiful guys I ever met, but he never tried to contact me after I left or anything and I was smitten by him for almost 2 years and couldn’t really get over him until college. I was 15 when I met him so for almost 5 years I day dreamed that he would just one day send me a letter or email or MySpace message lol! 😂 I actually would cry over him when I heard certain Spanish songs or smear her Spanish teenage soap operas. I feel like these feelings are really more common in teenagers. Looking back I was to shy to open up to my mom but she wasn’t a fundie or anything lol. And I asked her much later if she had ever hid any letters from me and she told me “mija I would never do that to you”. I believe my mom. And overall it was best a more serious relationship enver blossomed. It was truly just puppy love. I was sort of introverted so I never had a boyfriend until college. But my parents weren’t overly strict, but I think like you said I was naturally self isolated. So it was just a fantasy I created in my mind. Anyway lol that’s my story
I'm absolutely cackling over your diary entries because they remind me of all my fundie heartbreak in my teen years. Especially when the boy I was godly thirsting over *gasp* was courting another girl! They may as well have been engaged at fifteen. FIFTEEN. I'm glad I finally fricken dropped the purity gospel garbage to the point of pursuing my now spouse at Jesus camp (it was a relatively liberal Jesus camp lmao) in my early 20s. We actually fully had an adult relationship and dated long distance through our college years, staying over each other's parents houses and me even living with his family for a whole summer. Super relaxed rules compared to what I dealt with in high school. We are now married and we are both deconstructing aspects of our faith. And *shockingly* we are fully equal partners in our relationship and have left behind the gendered bs that was forced down our throats while growing up in the church. He is an amazing partner and friend and I dodged a bullet with all those other boys in my teen years.
Honestly this makes me so angry. Like, FUCK my mom did this to me. I was her "right hand" literally raising my siblings and teaching how to read and do math etc. Always doing housework etc. She wondered why I locked myself in my room after she got home. Books were my savior. I finally joined the army and left. To this day she says she misses her right hand...I'm like wow was that I ever was to you?! Idk...at 31 I'm still so mad and she still pisses me off and she's never felt like a mom to me. Just my employer. I'm just so angry the older I get, I don't know why!
I’m not trying to be an armchair therapist to you, that being said, I think it makes sense you have gotten more angry with time. Maybe the older you get the more you realize how unfair and cruel it was for your mom to put all this on you as a child. I hope at some point you will be able to work through this anger someday but it’s ok if that takes a long time.
On the other hand, if it's of any comfort, remember that throughout the entire history of humanity, for a couple of thousands of years until the 1960s, your situation was the reality of every child on the planet. Children were viewed as junior employees of the household. And it was rightfully so. You couldn't just go and buy meat or dairy or vegetables and fruits in order not to die. Nor buy clothes and sheets in order to have good higiene. Everything had to be made, sawn, grown from a grain, every animal elevated. Every household had the need for children to participate by doing what that can, if nothing else, by helping with the younger siblings while mom and are occupied with doing all the daily work needed for survival. And those children turned out alright. In some aspects, better than us, post-1960s kids. The best artists, engineers, astronomers, science and medicine researchers, philosophers, etc, were raised just like you. Think about it.
This is called parentification. It's unfortunately very common especially for eldest children. My parents did it to me too. Resentment and anger when you get older is a totally normal reaction to realizing you were essentially robbed of a childhood by your own parents placing their own responsibilities onto you.
You should give some serious thought to finding a therapist. It just sucks that here in the United States there can be some serious problems to accessing and affording it. A good therapist you trust will help you get to the root of why you feel so angry and will help you work through it. You may not ever forgive your mom for what she did, and you're not required to. But processing that anger will give you emotional space for other, possibly better, emotions to grow. I hope you're able to find some peace from this in the future, you deserve it.
@@miovicdina7706 there's a difference between every member of a family needing to pitch in versus massive pressure put on eldest children in these cult families. Especially daughters. It used to be that boys AND girls all had work to do. In fundie families, it's pretty much all on the girls. And again, especially the eldest daughter. Plus, advancements in technology and medicine mean we don't have to suffer like we used to. Should we be okay with people who refuse to vaccinate their children against polio just because lots of people survived polio in the past?
I was (am) the youngest child in the family, but my fundie, unstable mother decided that it was my job to make her feel better about herself. The enmeshment was so complete for so long. I was her “best friend,” the “third twin” (she has an identical twin). I was the person she spent hours screaming at daily because it “made her feel better.” My entire childhood was spent trying to get her to like me, until one day a few years ago, I just walked away. Deconstruction started many years ago, but honestly went no where until I walked away from her. The fundie nonsense is so damaging. Best of luck to everyone trying to recover ❤️🐼
I'm proud of you. You didn't deserve and of this and none of it was your fault. Best of luck to you too! I hope you can find a way to talk these emotions through, preferably with a therapist but if that's not possible with someone close and trusted, and I hope you can begin/continue to heal, ove yourself and be happy! You absolutely did not deserve any of that as a child and now you absolutely do deserve happiness and freedom!
I remember being a teen and getting so excited when a new boy around my age came to my church. I have diary entries where I wrote about them smiling at me or looking in my direction. I even remember my mom trying to get me to talk to a guy who was a little older but he was too sheltered for me to be interested. Was anyone else taught to wait for the guy to pursue you? That’s a big part of purity culture.
Unfortunately, that "wait for the guy to pursue you" bullshit goes beyond religious circles. How I loathe and despise it. I make it a point to be the one that pursues. That's always felt natural to me and it took me a long time to even figure out why people always told me I had done it wrong.
Aw, your diary entries are so awkward but cute. What a lovely child you were! I grew up fundie-adjacent (a new term I made up, lol), being homeschooled for most of elementary (so lonely to be an extrovert homeschooled by an introvert!), and a lot of what you say sounds very familiar to me. I remember my mom being angry and frustrated with the other homeschooling families who were getting into Gothard stuff (this was the 80s and 90s), but my parents didn't vocally disagree with a lot of things that they didn't like. Usually they let my sister and me glide along with the prevailing currents and then occasionally blindside us with news such as "playing cards aren't inherently evil" and the reason that we don't own any is because we don't want to be a stumbling block to those who do think that. We were allowed to read fantasy books, but were advised not to talk about them to some of our friends, because if we did, they might tell their parents and ask to borrow them, and subtext to the reasoning was "and then they'll get a spanking. That family leans a lot on spanking, and the poor kids don't have the sense to keep things to themselves, they have been trained to tell their parents everything. So as a favour to your poor abused friends, hide it from them." Thinking back, it's horrible that they did nothing to intervene! On the other hand, maybe they were doing what they thought would do the most good - being friendly with the parents and trying to influence them to stop making drama over tiny inconsequential things. I still think they should've been a bit clearer to us kids what was and was not true. They gave us way too much credit for independent thinking - we're kids, we're going to believe what we're told! On the other hand, I bet they were scared to, as I very much had (still do to a point!) that homeschooler energy, and would likely have enthusiastically explained to anyone and everyone exactly why they were wrong! 🤣
omg FUNDIE ADJACENT. I grew up religious but not really Fundie in the 80s and 90s. More like, Proto-fundie 🙃 Like I grew up being taught to be "modest" but we didn't call it Purity Culture. Dating was OK but not like kissing (and definitely not sex) - just like weird, contradictory things.
Being homeschooled doesn’t mean being home all the time. Only for fundies. Healthy homeschooling is very social and happens in all kinds of places: libraries, museums, friends’ houses, park districts, nature preserves, group classes, community colleges, etc. Fundie homeschooling is a subset of homeschooling. There are also a lot of healthy people educating their children responsibly. But yeah, fundie homeschooling is incredibly destructive. I know a lot of fundies and former fundies who are traumatized. I also had one of those years-long crushes as a kid (Like way longer than 3 years 😬😳😖😂). Never told a soul, because having a crush was wrong (Lol interesting logic, Mom). He was a flirt also. These boys who are raised to believe they are little gods blessing women with their presence… so gross. Deeply grateful that I got out of that mindset!
Oh dear me. The memories. That's the problem with being so isolated and controlled. The second someone new even breathed in my general direction, or was even remotely nice, I'd have an instant crush.
My family isn’t even fundies but I’m just now at 28 starting to get my own thoughts and beliefs. Not long ago I realized how unhealthy my relationship with my parents is.
All of this is so nuts. If you just let your kids have a crush they will get over it eventually. Also if Keith showed up at the wedding as a fellow Christian why did your parents assume it wasn't gods will.
Because it’s not about “God’s” will - it’s about control. In the family her parents were god. It’s often framed that God will show her parents (dad) her husband. Everyone else that doesn’t come through is temptation or a test.
Even though your parents were 100% in the wrong regarding Keith (as in, they should have let you write him a freaking letter), I think that you dodged a bullet with him. He feels a bit manipulative and reminds me a lot of the Christian guy I dated in high school. He was several years older and promised that he would never pressure me to do anything I didn't want to do but somehow I still ended up making out with him on a bus on a school trip which is something I felt deeply uncomfortable with. He had a history of only dating younger Christian girls and he kept trying to confess his sexual sins to me. Like he would talk about his struggle to not watch X-rated stuff. He also told me he loved me and we had only dated for a few WEEKS at the point so it was way too much, way too soon. It was very "love bomb" type behavior which is the vibe I get from Keith in your story. Thankfully I broke up with the creepy dude after I went to a church youth conference and I was "convicted" that our relationship was bad (one of the few times I'm glad I was religious then lol). He emailed me on and off for years and it was one red flag after another. He kept dating much younger Christian girls and eventually married one. I wonder about her all the time and whether she's actually happy with him.
In high school and even in college I was so bought into the fundieness, that I was waiting for god to drop the one into my lap. Any girl I was interested in, I immediately went to thoughts of marriage and potential future kids. It took me till my thirties to get out of that mindset and realize that dating was for getting to know people and seeing how you clicked and just having fun. It took me believing that god told me a specific girl was the person I was supposed to marry and pretty much stalking her for 6 months and the complete fall out from that when she got married during that 6 months that I started taking a closer looks at my beliefs on god, and was I really hearing his “still small voice”
My first boyfriend and I met in youth group. We were doing the ‘Read the Bible in 3 months’ challenge and I asked him to be my Bible reading partner. We literally read the Bible together...alone. Scandalous! He was actually a good partner to me and very respectful of physical boundaries. The relationship was problematic of course in other ways (he was more fundie than I) but pure in the sense of ‘innocent’ and safe. He was so respectful. It was a good ‘courtship’ 👀🤣 but did not end in marriage. Lol
@@tiarajasmin1915 Purity culture BS. Best kisser I’ve ever known. Could make out for hours. Lol but he was getting older and he had urges and it was one of those things that he tried to handle himself/personally. We’d be making out and then he’d get up to use the bathroom. Few minutes later- came out of the bathroom- and I guess we weren’t making out anymore. Lol! But when I figured out he was doing that, in my parents’ bathroom, I freaked and ended it. I was actually kind of hostile to him and I feel bad. He lives in my town and if I run into him- I’d like to make my apology known. Anyway, he ended up married to someone else in a matter of months; because if you’re married- sex! They had a son, and then she left him. Weren’t together very long. He’s still single that I’m aware of.
@@tiarajasmin1915 In hindsight, just shoulda done what we both wanted to do but felt we couldn’t. We had a relationship that was good enough and intimate spiritually and emotionally- that sex was probably the next natural and logical step.
Gotta say your journal entries are both hilarious and cute haha. Thanks for sharing your experience. I relate to your homeschooling situation a lot even if I wasn't fundie.
2 года назад+11
You are such an amazing person and a breath of fresh air. I’ve been binge watching all your videos and appreciate allowing your audience to get to know you on such an intimate level. Keep it up! ❤️
Your diaries remind me of myself trying to convince myself that i really really really Just wanted to be FRIENDS with this Girl. FRIENDS. Nothing more to see here. Just Gal pals with that Girl with the shiny Hair and big doe eyes.... No religious Background, just strong bi erasure, but it's interesting how teenagers everywhere manage to use the same rethoric to fool themselves that theyre totally Not into Person x.
I didn't grow up in a Christian fundamentalist household but I am certain I got second-hand indoctrinated. After moving away from my hometown for good at age 26, I learned (mostly because of the 2016 election) that practically everyone I ever had interactions with growing up was part of this movement in one sect or another. I haven't watched all of your videos yet but so far literally every topic you discuss is something I was taught as a child or teenager, though usually without any religious context so I was totally unaware of where it was all coming from and what its purpose was. That is, until one of my family members was cleverly coerced into joining the movement with the promise of friendship and community at a vulnerable point in their life when their spouse had just passed away, and then I started to see what was really going on. The weird books with hidden messages about being subservient to your future husband under the guise of romance friends were trying to make me read, creepy songs that sound pretty until you actually listen to them and hear that the lyrics are about how much of a worthless human being you are being played at weddings I attended, the pressure to get married and start having kids as soon as possible, the subtle discouragement from attending college as that would delay the family-building process, discouraging mental health treatment in favor of praying and going to church more to solve your problems, all of it.... So as someone who didn't grow up in the same situation yet was close enough to it that the BS still got injected into every facet of my being to the point where I once thought I was going to have to commit suicide if I wasn't able to find a good man - or any man - by a certain age, thank you for posting these videos. It's extremely helpful for me to hear your experiences, understand where this nonsense is coming from, and validate that these harmful ideas do not have to shape me as a person anymore.
As a non orthodox/non-fundamental Jew, I'm chuckling almost because if you got my journal as a teenager you'd also see it filled with heartbreak about boys I spoke with for only 4 hours =]. It's a bit of a universal thing, but thankfully I wasn't shamed by family/parents/religion by feeling these feelings. They supported me through them (or, well, embarrassed me through them! hahaha). Love seeing that we have a connection even though we had such different upbringings, though I'm sorry that you weren't able to keep a connection with a human that brought you happiness.
Wow, this brought back memories of intense crushes based a simple conversation or glance lol. I once plotted out an entire romance because some boy smiled at me while we were being tutored. 😅 It also reminded me of how desperately I tried to convince myself that the intense feelings from simple conversations or glances from girls was somehow ADMIRATION and not a crush. Rereading my old journals, it's obvious and makes my heart hurt for little me. Is this something you experienced too?
This is embarrassing for me but I relate to this video so much even though I feel I don’t have the right to. I went to public school and wasn’t raised too religious BUT I was an only child and dealt with a short tempered, overly involved mother and a very judgmental father. I was alone for majority of my childhood and into middle school years. I developed sever social anxiety that I’ve never been able to fully shake. To cope I turned to religion on my own. I did very similar things with writing in journals and being obsessed for years with one guy who showed interest in me at a friends wedding. I looked at religion as an easy way to the things I wanted. I wanted to be liked and to feel like I was a part of a community. It’s obviously not that easy but in my 14 year old brain I really thought if I were raised super Christian I’d have a community and people around me all the time that excepted me.
When will parents figure out that forbidding something just makes it more attractive? Half the time if you just let it run its course, the kid will be over it in a few days anyway with no harm done.
I was not raised in the Fundamentalist. I find videos very interesting. One thing I guess I disagree about is I don't think people should watch these reality TV shows. I think we're helping promote these fundamentalist. We don't need that what we need is more people like you
I resonate so much with this. Thank you for the content you put out. It cannot be easy to bear your heart in these videos the way you do. Thank you for your vulnerability and strength and for sharing your story. I had a similar upbringing, minus the parental abuse. Well, maybe there was some parentification and emotional manipulation going on but that is another story. My parents came from abusive homes and did everything they could to create a different, better life for my brother and I. They succeeded but now that I am older I see how desperate they were to escape their pasts. That desperation led them into the arms of religious extremists. Now that my brother and I are older, my parents are not as strict with their Christianity as before. I admire their ability to change and grow. Well anyway, thank you so much. Its so healing to see that I am not alone in my experiences because it feels so isolated to come from this background.
I really like hearing your stories. I grew up in a really conservative place around a lot of evangelical christians and tried to blend in for a while even though I didn't really know if I believed in Christianity at the time. As I grew up and especially after moving away I realized how cultist the ways of the community I had grew up in were. I always hope my conservative peers of my past would deconstruct and heal from those toxic things they were indoctrinated into. Unfortunately from what I've seen so far they became younger versions of their parents by the age of 21, married with kids teaching Sunday school and indoctrinating their own children into the same toxic religious culture and also spewing beliefs that included purity culture, homophobia, xenophobia, and sexism to name a few. I'm glad you got out and are helping others with your story. I think you would be great at writing a book about your experiences.
My sister admitted to wanting to have sex with her boyfriend, and snuck him over shortly after once, she got dropped off at a homeless shelter in Phili. So when you say, anything can turn into a crisis, yea.
8:30 you hit the nail on the head. I never thought of it this way but now it makes so much sense. I was never allowed to talk about/to boys but also encouraged to write to my future husband and always told to pray for my future husband. The worst of that was my one aunt who was considered "the fun aunt" because she would talk about boys, clothes, and makeup to us, would try to get us to talk about who we liked and then relay that info back to my aunt (who raised me). Then I would be shamed for liking a boy.
I feel that. My dad was SO controlling that he got in his car and followed me if I went on a walk. Needless to say, I did not have any relationships with boys till I was in college and I was working jobs. I greatly resent my dad’s control.
Sorry, i kinda vented so like- TW for shitty controlling parents , neglect as a afab who was only allowed a cell phone when i turned 18 yEAh oh i can relate a lot and i felt the same when watching the show too, i feel for lydia so much and your life too , i was also parentified and enmeshed , was also homeschooled too , our Christianity was close to this vibe too actually i had a moment that felt so betraying and hurtful to me, it was when my mom asked who i was texting (when i was 18) and i said it was my one(1) guy friend (who is also a family friend/we all were friends with the family) and she said "oh. how often do you talk?" and she looked like she was about to cry, like i was doing something so wrong by just texting a friend just because he was a guy, i remember thinking "What?? what!? i cant even have this? i cant even have one guy friend who i talk to occasionally? it's not even romantic !!" Sad part is that i did have a little crush on him even if i assumed i wouldnt be allowed to date someone, a tiny part of my thought "wow ! we're talking like friend a little bit, maybe we could get to know each over more hehe ^^ " but after my mom did that, i was so hurt that i was like "Okay fine then, i'll just give up!! I won't try to talk to him more then normal, or anything like that!! i mean its not like he'd want to date me anyway so why am i even trying !" like that angry sad crying feeling you get where it just feels like too much to push back so you just give in to it even if you dont really want to yeah ugggh but this(whole topic and vid) is making me want to message a guy friend again who lives far away who probably has a crush on me too (like we were quick friends and kinda acted like we were already dating in person before he moved) but he hasnt replied back in a while so i dont want to bother him but also i'm so starved for romance/and a little giddy with it (never dated anyone before and im 24) that everything does feel so important and fleeting like if i dont try it'll be gone but if i do maybe it'll be too much for him, but either way i really want to get to know him more and i miss him since he had to move, and even if it's okay (in a way) to say "if it's meant to work out it will work out" i wish it could be more solid and predicable, i def dont want to leave it to god or not try , i hope to get a chance to talk to him honestly about our feelings soon which we may both be shyly avoiding in a way (he hasnt dated before either) but another thing i need to remind myself of is that just because ppl dont talk to you in a while don't mean they stopped liking you, and that its okay to want to be with someone more i feel like the neglect i got growing up makes it feel a little normal for someone to just be done with me out of no where, and that i should just burry my feelings about it. But also if i feel like i see signs of someone leaving i get pretty anxious too even if it could just be "oh he just has other friends he's talking w or things to do or busy with games and/or just people can want breaks and he'll be back in time, it's happened before no problem ! " logically i know its pretty normal to go a few weeks without talking to someone and i wouldnt get upset at anyone for that (we're both ND ppl too ), but still silently i'm like " * insert that big o^o emoji face * aww, could we go back to talking a lot more frequently again soon? o^o pleeease, i miss it " but oh goodness im sorry !! that was a lot ! i hope thats okay, it helped to talk about it at least
I'd never heard of "Welcome to Plathville" til now, but just from the little I saw in your video, I'm disgusted by it. Disgusted by the lack of privacy for these kids growing up, and seeing the mom going through her daughter's phone (disgusting) and then sharing it with the world on TV. Gawwwd, we were traumatized by religious parents, but I'm glad our trauma wasn't aired on TV. On a different note though, I love your channel Elly!!!! I grew up with religion too and have a lot of deconstructing still even after leaving it six years ago. I feel like I was trapped in the TAMEST version of christianity, and yet it was soooooo fucking hard to "wake up", that honestly I can't IMAGINE having been trapped in stricter circumstances like the one you and Annie were in. I'm so happy you've found liberation and are growing a platform to do what you can to help others do the same. Much love. :) Also, enmeshment and autonomy are new words to my vocabulary, thank you. :)
I really admire your bravery in reading your high school journals online. I can barely read mine without cringing, let alone share them with anyone! I also grew up fundamentalist (though not as strict as you describe) and was homeschooled through middle and high school. I relate to SO much of this; I'm having flashbacks to my 2-year long crush on this guy in youth group (my primary source of socialization in HS) who I was convinced was "the one" God wanted me to marry.... even though we never actually had a romantic relationship. He was dating someone else and eventually moved out of state, and it was the END OF THE WORLD (at the time....). I really enjoy your videos and being so transparent and open about your experiences.
Great commentary and insight - hoping that your message can be received by those currently in the position of your younger self! Just subscribed, going to have a listen through more videos now :) Thanks!
I related to this so much even noww at 25years. I am Catholic. I wasn't homeschooled either but have experienced 85% of what you have. Thank you for sharing this it has made me realize some things that has caused pain. I relate to her out of everyone on Plathville also.
Ok. This is probably a totally off topic comment, but after that glorious comparison to Arwen, the elf princess in Lord of the Rings, please tell me that you have now, later in life seen the Lord of the Rings movies? 😁
What a well done, thoughtful video. Sharing your insights and observations is enlightening as a parent in Bible belt community. This is a real window into family dynamics that I've only seen from the outside.
Hearing you read your diary aloud is just absolutely heartbreaking. Your parents shut you down over and over again when all you wanted was to pursue basic, normal human emotional needs. This was abuse.
My neighbors were home schooling fundamentalist. The children were like feral animals - nice kids but with out social skills. There were 7 kids - 3 boys and 4 girls. Other than church they never went anywhere. The mom seemed overwhelmed. Military dad was gone all the time. When my Episcopalian mom died, one of the kids asked if she was saved? And didn't know what the Episcopal Church was and if it was "Christian". Told them to ask mother. This same kid also told me they had been learning about evolution and how it has all been disproved.
i just wanted to say that as an another ex-fundie homeschool to queer trans pipeline kids that your words are so incredibly powerful and you are doing some amazing work by sharing your story, thank you fr
In fundamentalism, I was always told to be on the lookout, that the Holy Spirit would reveal a wife to me who i would have to relentlessly pursue... It could have been anyone. Looking back it feels more like they were encouraging me to Twilight imprint on some poor girl
Wow! Yeah that's just confusion. God clearly states in His word that *"He (a man/male) who finds a wife (woman/female) finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD/Jehovah. ~ Proverbs 18 verse 22. So, yeah someone was teaching you erroneous things. Sorry that happened to you.
This video gave my flashbacks to my teens when I was homeschooled. I didn’t think I would relate to you like I do, I wasn’t a fundamentalist, I wasn’t even Christian but your mother’s abusive reflects mine to a tee. The isolation, the shaming, the gaslighting and manipulation. The we walked on eggshells around my mothers explosive anger. My mother didn’t believe that friends were important, she didn’t understand why everyone asked how we socializes as homeschoolers; the only thing you needed was family. Friends will abandon you anyway. And my father (who was a rational, science based adult) was never around enough to understand the scope of the abuse, as he was always travelling for work. I wish someone was looking out for us homeschooled kids :(
Sometimes being hurt and having it not work out can be part of the plan. Look at the people even in the Bible who made mistakes! Mistakes are part of living and learning. We're all sinners. And we will sin until we die. Fundamentalism is not the answer! I will pray for you that continue to heal on your journey and that God brings you back to him the right way! That's what happened to me. We Catholics believe it or not can actually be very liberal and forgiving. God touched me and he showed me his love and the truth. Your story breaks my heart. I didn't get the message that God was love either. Mental health problems can be very common for Christians. I was homeschooled but I hung out with regular kids too. If I had kids I would NEVER raise my children this way. In my faith, there was a woman who was a doctor with three kids that became a saint! Women were given gifts skills to use not just be mothers.
God has very little to do with dating, or eventually finding a spouse, biblically speaking. Yes pray for wisdom and discernment when dealing with people you like, but God expects US to use our brains and make decisions based on attraction level, mutual interests, etc. 14 years old is probably too young for this sort of thing, but 16 and older it’s probably good advice!
this Keith guy has so much Wickham vibe from Pride and Prejudice. I'm sorry for your heartbreak, although it seems you dodged a bullet there. It's so sad that in these super controlling environments parents don't prepare their daughters to be aware of red flags, instead isolating them and deliberately making them naïve and easy prey for other manipulative people.
It must be so confusing to be a fundy child. We hear so many of them talking about how they thought they knew god's will but it turned out to be just what they wanted. Meanwhile their parents are saying things like "I prayed on it and God told me that he wants..." and it's just whatever the parent wants. Of course you get confused between gods will and your personal desires! You're surrounded by adults doing the same thing.
When I first watched an episode I thought Lydia was the eldest. The reason being the level of responsibility she was carrying. I kept wondering where the fundie mom was. After all wasn't she supposed to be carrying these responsibilities.
Lydia is such a beautiful girl. I was a Christain homeschooler I was fortunate to have good friends. My experience was lonely at times but it wasn't so bad.
I love your videos and truly appreciate your sharing your journey with us. I wish you continued good health and all the love and support you deserve. Also, the best part of this particular video is your gorgeous doggie napping behind you. ❤️
That's so friggin backwards.... you're already emotionally invested.... yeah she's interested! Let her explore that and then decide to back off if she doesn't want to talk to him anymore.
Sounds like keith was a player and a user. I think he'd con a lot of girls and im not sure public school or previous dating experience would have made a girl less vulnerable to his games and charms
Hey, I’m new to your channel. I’m really finding a lot of value in your videos. You are wonderfully compassionate towards the culture that has caused you so much trauma. That’s so admirable. What is your education? You would be a tremendous social worker.
Keith was a player. In this case, it was probably good your parents prevented you from originally communicating with him at a young age. Fortunately, you got wiser as you got older and you were able to let him go. While I don’t generally like the control and lack of ability to have relationships, I think in this case it was for the best.
I see where you're coming from, but a major role parents are supposed to play is allowing their children to learn and make mistakes with a safety net. Allowing her to contact this boy with some restrictions (i.e., letters) and realize he was a player over time, could have served her well later in life and may have prevented him playing her in person as he eventually did.
I love that you can love, hurt and still see the loveliness of that sweet little girl you were. I see an amazing young lady through your writings. Your compassion for your younger self shines through...I agree with "Keith" you have even know a lovely glow about you...and I can imagine you as a lovely Galadriel. :)
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The amount of bravery you possess to read your diary from your teenage years out loud and in public!? Mad respect.
I know! I got rid of mine because of the cringe
These cults/families stop these girls from having relationships with boys their own age yet expect these girls to be ready for the harsh reality of marriage and sex? I can’t even imagine how traumatic that would be.
All they are prepared for is obeying men... their dads, their husbands, and the anthropomorphic idea of "God".
Usually with zero sex ed as well as zero relationship experience.
Relationships , how to navigate, how to give and receive respect, what is not good behavior, what is good behavior is not easy, and it takes time and different types of people interactions.
It sucks.
I realized as a teenager that there was no chance of actually knowing what a potential partner was like before marriage, so I resolved to never marry. I could never understand why the other girls I knew were willing to risk it.
“Keith” sounds exactly like a guy I went to high school with who was super religious. Every girl he dated was his “fiancé” and I’m sure he also gave out more than one promise ring. But he was still super flirtatious with every other girl even when he was in these relationships. It’s like he used his Christianity as a way to convince all the girls he was really a great guy. I pined over him a lot and definitely wrote a bunch in my diary about him. Looking back, he was just a bro using his “faith” to attract girls from religious households.
This reminds me of how shitty fake feminist guys do the same thing to attract dates. It's extra disappointing when the ruse is revealed.
Not sure about the fakeness of him. I worked with a girl who would be engaged to evey boy she was in a relationship with, even a short relationship. I think it's part of the religion 🤔
I knew a man like this too, but we were in our 20s. He started talking about marriage on the first date. I had enough experience with relationships to know this wasn’t normal. I was glad to have met a man who wanted the same thing I did, but I knew something about this was a red flag. Unfortunately, this talk of quick commitment caused me to invest more in the relationship than he did. I don’t really know what his agenda was in doing this, but found it to be really dishonest. I think, perhaps, he thought this was something a good Christian guy would do because he is “dating with the intent to marry,” idk, but it was absolutely weird and dishonest.
The impression I get is that these kids and young adults jump quickly into these relationships and go so far as to be engaged because then if they engage in "promiscuous" behavior like holding hands and the occasional kiss it's justified because they intend to be married. It's kind of a scam used by "good guys" to get naive and innocent girls to do things they wouldn't otherwise do.
Some people need to be engaged before they can get more physical.
Your mom made a HUGE mistake in the way that she dealt with your crush! First of all, you're 14, he's 16, and he lives far away; it will inevitably fall apart, but in the meantime you'll get the "relationship" experience with a boy whom you'll never see in person... as a mom, that sounds perfect to me! But her biggest mistake was telling you that if he finds a way to contact you, then you'll know it's meant to be. That boy could EASILY contact your neighbor for your info, and your own mom just told you that if he does, it's fate! She assigned a level of importance to him that you weren't even considering! If he were to write to you after that, you would take it as a sign that you belonged together, and you likely would have put up with more than you should because he is your gift from God, and God obviously has a plan... Your mom did NOT think that through
Yeah, magical thinking can have some pretty damaging outcomes. Looking for signs from God in every little thing can lead people down some pretty awful roads in life. Plus, it can waste a lot of time; instead of just living your life in a way that makes you comfortable and happy you're on the constant lookout for signs that are nothing more than wish fulfillments that may never happen.
THIS is a very good point.
I would be a bit more concerned the age. It makes me feel uncomfortable as a 16-year-old.
14 year old are babies in my eyes. I'm not very grown, but they're just so much less grown than me.
Girl he called you an Elf Princess
(Arwen no less) OF COURSE YOU FELL FOR HIM XD
Holy sh*t. I had no idea there was a word for this. My mom described enmeshment as one of her goals in raising us so that we would always behave even when she wasn't around. It's caused me a lot of issues but I had NO IDEA this was something other people struggled with or that there was a WORD!!!!
Oh gosh, the idea that you can "ruin your life" by one conversation or letter/text to a boy when you're 15 was a huge theme when I was a teenager. Love that conservative homeschool Christian life 🙄
I feel so badly for Lydia. She played be ALL the rules that her parents laid down, more than her other elder siblings, yet they were harder on her than with Micah and her brother- it took her ages to even get a phone. I'm glad for the other kids' freedom and breaking away, but it seems to be at a cost to Lydia's freedoms. Maybe that's a conscious decision to try and get the kids back, dangling her freedom on a line
They did kick both Micah and Moriah out of the house the night before they moved to the new house. Moriah was still under 18 which is illegal. This was not talked about on the show.
I do think some of Lydia's compliance now is due to knowing that she could be kicked out if she doesn't follow the rules.
Well if they lose Lydia, they lose the real parent in the house and that sucks for Lydia. She’s like 16.
I'm always impressed with your teenage writing skills. The content is heartbreaking and the language reeks of indoctrination, but it's very well written for a young teen.
Arwen is a strongwilled and brave woman who breaks with her family's expectations to go her own way and follow her heart. Pretty great to be compared with. :)
I had forgotten about the “letters to my future husband” i wrote as a teenager. Im sure they ended up in the trash. I remember being a teenager, looking around in my church wondering who my future husband would be. 30 + years later, nope, it didnt work out that way.
All the talk about “if he doesn’t find your address and write you- it was never meant to be” really puts a lot of weight on every small decision. I used to to do this all the time. So much anxiety!
Honestly, teenagers are often so self-segregated, or sent to single-sex schools, that the situation of having a crush on someone you’ve only met once, or glimpsed on the train, etc. is very common!
As bullied child (thoroughly secular), I pined for about eight years over a boy I met roller skating in first grade. I think you are spot on - isolated kids latch onto the idea of love.
Exactly. This was me with a boy I met on a family trip to Mexico lol. I was there for 2 weeks and only saw him a few times during the trip but he left a huge impression on me. My family is from a small town so I had this whole fantasy in my head that I was going to run away someday with this boy. I’m not gonna lie he was still one of the most beautiful guys I ever met, but he never tried to contact me after I left or anything and I was smitten by him for almost 2 years and couldn’t really get over him until college. I was 15 when I met him so for almost 5 years I day dreamed that he would just one day send me a letter or email or MySpace message lol! 😂 I actually would cry over him when I heard certain Spanish songs or smear her Spanish teenage soap operas. I feel like these feelings are really more common in teenagers. Looking back I was to shy to open up to my mom but she wasn’t a fundie or anything lol. And I asked her much later if she had ever hid any letters from me and she told me “mija I would never do that to you”. I believe my mom. And overall it was best a more serious relationship enver blossomed. It was truly just puppy love. I was sort of introverted so I never had a boyfriend until college. But my parents weren’t overly strict, but I think like you said I was naturally self isolated. So it was just a fantasy I created in my mind. Anyway lol that’s my story
@@jjgems5909 Thanks for sharing your very relatable story!
“it’s up to you” is one of my favorite parental passive aggressive phrases
I'm absolutely cackling over your diary entries because they remind me of all my fundie heartbreak in my teen years. Especially when the boy I was godly thirsting over *gasp* was courting another girl! They may as well have been engaged at fifteen. FIFTEEN. I'm glad I finally fricken dropped the purity gospel garbage to the point of pursuing my now spouse at Jesus camp (it was a relatively liberal Jesus camp lmao) in my early 20s. We actually fully had an adult relationship and dated long distance through our college years, staying over each other's parents houses and me even living with his family for a whole summer. Super relaxed rules compared to what I dealt with in high school. We are now married and we are both deconstructing aspects of our faith. And *shockingly* we are fully equal partners in our relationship and have left behind the gendered bs that was forced down our throats while growing up in the church. He is an amazing partner and friend and I dodged a bullet with all those other boys in my teen years.
That sounds like an amazing relationship! Congratulations!!
Congrats on what sounds like a healthy and happy marriage! And good luck on your deconstruction journey!
I am so hecking happy for you, sounds like you met a really solid person 🥰
Honestly this makes me so angry. Like, FUCK my mom did this to me. I was her "right hand" literally raising my siblings and teaching how to read and do math etc. Always doing housework etc. She wondered why I locked myself in my room after she got home.
Books were my savior. I finally joined the army and left. To this day she says she misses her right hand...I'm like wow was that I ever was to you?!
Idk...at 31 I'm still so mad and she still pisses me off and she's never felt like a mom to me. Just my employer. I'm just so angry the older I get, I don't know why!
I’m not trying to be an armchair therapist to you, that being said, I think it makes sense you have gotten more angry with time. Maybe the older you get the more you realize how unfair and cruel it was for your mom to put all this on you as a child. I hope at some point you will be able to work through this anger someday but it’s ok if that takes a long time.
On the other hand, if it's of any comfort, remember that throughout the entire history of humanity, for a couple of thousands of years until the 1960s, your situation was the reality of every child on the planet. Children were viewed as junior employees of the household. And it was rightfully so. You couldn't just go and buy meat or dairy or vegetables and fruits in order not to die. Nor buy clothes and sheets in order to have good higiene. Everything had to be made, sawn, grown from a grain, every animal elevated. Every household had the need for children to participate by doing what that can, if nothing else, by helping with the younger siblings while mom and are occupied with doing all the daily work needed for survival. And those children turned out alright. In some aspects, better than us, post-1960s kids.
The best artists, engineers, astronomers, science and medicine researchers, philosophers, etc, were raised just like you.
Think about it.
This is called parentification. It's unfortunately very common especially for eldest children. My parents did it to me too. Resentment and anger when you get older is a totally normal reaction to realizing you were essentially robbed of a childhood by your own parents placing their own responsibilities onto you.
You should give some serious thought to finding a therapist. It just sucks that here in the United States there can be some serious problems to accessing and affording it. A good therapist you trust will help you get to the root of why you feel so angry and will help you work through it. You may not ever forgive your mom for what she did, and you're not required to. But processing that anger will give you emotional space for other, possibly better, emotions to grow. I hope you're able to find some peace from this in the future, you deserve it.
@@miovicdina7706 there's a difference between every member of a family needing to pitch in versus massive pressure put on eldest children in these cult families. Especially daughters. It used to be that boys AND girls all had work to do. In fundie families, it's pretty much all on the girls. And again, especially the eldest daughter.
Plus, advancements in technology and medicine mean we don't have to suffer like we used to. Should we be okay with people who refuse to vaccinate their children against polio just because lots of people survived polio in the past?
I was (am) the youngest child in the family, but my fundie, unstable mother decided that it was my job to make her feel better about herself. The enmeshment was so complete for so long. I was her “best friend,” the “third twin” (she has an identical twin). I was the person she spent hours screaming at daily because it “made her feel better.” My entire childhood was spent trying to get her to like me, until one day a few years ago, I just walked away. Deconstruction started many years ago, but honestly went no where until I walked away from her. The fundie nonsense is so damaging. Best of luck to everyone trying to recover ❤️🐼
I'm proud of you. You didn't deserve and of this and none of it was your fault. Best of luck to you too! I hope you can find a way to talk these emotions through, preferably with a therapist but if that's not possible with someone close and trusted, and I hope you can begin/continue to heal, ove yourself and be happy! You absolutely did not deserve any of that as a child and now you absolutely do deserve happiness and freedom!
I remember being a teen and getting so excited when a new boy around my age came to my church. I have diary entries where I wrote about them smiling at me or looking in my direction. I even remember my mom trying to get me to talk to a guy who was a little older but he was too sheltered for me to be interested. Was anyone else taught to wait for the guy to pursue you? That’s a big part of purity culture.
Ditto on the wait the be pursued.
Unfortunately, that "wait for the guy to pursue you" bullshit goes beyond religious circles. How I loathe and despise it. I make it a point to be the one that pursues. That's always felt natural to me and it took me a long time to even figure out why people always told me I had done it wrong.
Aw, your diary entries are so awkward but cute. What a lovely child you were!
I grew up fundie-adjacent (a new term I made up, lol), being homeschooled for most of elementary (so lonely to be an extrovert homeschooled by an introvert!), and a lot of what you say sounds very familiar to me. I remember my mom being angry and frustrated with the other homeschooling families who were getting into Gothard stuff (this was the 80s and 90s), but my parents didn't vocally disagree with a lot of things that they didn't like. Usually they let my sister and me glide along with the prevailing currents and then occasionally blindside us with news such as "playing cards aren't inherently evil" and the reason that we don't own any is because we don't want to be a stumbling block to those who do think that.
We were allowed to read fantasy books, but were advised not to talk about them to some of our friends, because if we did, they might tell their parents and ask to borrow them, and subtext to the reasoning was "and then they'll get a spanking. That family leans a lot on spanking, and the poor kids don't have the sense to keep things to themselves, they have been trained to tell their parents everything. So as a favour to your poor abused friends, hide it from them."
Thinking back, it's horrible that they did nothing to intervene! On the other hand, maybe they were doing what they thought would do the most good - being friendly with the parents and trying to influence them to stop making drama over tiny inconsequential things.
I still think they should've been a bit clearer to us kids what was and was not true. They gave us way too much credit for independent thinking - we're kids, we're going to believe what we're told! On the other hand, I bet they were scared to, as I very much had (still do to a point!) that homeschooler energy, and would likely have enthusiastically explained to anyone and everyone exactly why they were wrong! 🤣
omg FUNDIE ADJACENT. I grew up religious but not really Fundie in the 80s and 90s. More like, Proto-fundie 🙃 Like I grew up being taught to be "modest" but we didn't call it Purity Culture. Dating was OK but not like kissing (and definitely not sex) - just like weird, contradictory things.
Being homeschooled doesn’t mean being home all the time. Only for fundies. Healthy homeschooling is very social and happens in all kinds of places: libraries, museums, friends’ houses, park districts, nature preserves, group classes, community colleges, etc. Fundie homeschooling is a subset of homeschooling. There are also a lot of healthy people educating their children responsibly.
But yeah, fundie homeschooling is incredibly destructive. I know a lot of fundies and former fundies who are traumatized.
I also had one of those years-long crushes as a kid (Like way longer than 3 years 😬😳😖😂). Never told a soul, because having a crush was wrong (Lol interesting logic, Mom). He was a flirt also. These boys who are raised to believe they are little gods blessing women with their presence… so gross. Deeply grateful that I got out of that mindset!
Idk I think your interest in him was normal from a non fundie perspective. That was ridiculously sweet and adorable. I would have been obsessed.
Oh dear me. The memories. That's the problem with being so isolated and controlled. The second someone new even breathed in my general direction, or was even remotely nice, I'd have an instant crush.
My family isn’t even fundies but I’m just now at 28 starting to get my own thoughts and beliefs. Not long ago I realized how unhealthy my relationship with my parents is.
What’s unhealthy about your relationship with parents?
All of this is so nuts. If you just let your kids have a crush they will get over it eventually. Also if Keith showed up at the wedding as a fellow Christian why did your parents assume it wasn't gods will.
Because it’s not about “God’s” will - it’s about control. In the family her parents were god. It’s often framed that God will show her parents (dad) her husband. Everyone else that doesn’t come through is temptation or a test.
Also probably because they thought she was still too young to date.
Gods will always directly and perfectly lined up with the parents will. Something that isn’t their will isn’t gods will in their mind
Even though your parents were 100% in the wrong regarding Keith (as in, they should have let you write him a freaking letter), I think that you dodged a bullet with him. He feels a bit manipulative and reminds me a lot of the Christian guy I dated in high school.
He was several years older and promised that he would never pressure me to do anything I didn't want to do but somehow I still ended up making out with him on a bus on a school trip which is something I felt deeply uncomfortable with. He had a history of only dating younger Christian girls and he kept trying to confess his sexual sins to me. Like he would talk about his struggle to not watch X-rated stuff. He also told me he loved me and we had only dated for a few WEEKS at the point so it was way too much, way too soon. It was very "love bomb" type behavior which is the vibe I get from Keith in your story.
Thankfully I broke up with the creepy dude after I went to a church youth conference and I was "convicted" that our relationship was bad (one of the few times I'm glad I was religious then lol).
He emailed me on and off for years and it was one red flag after another. He kept dating much younger Christian girls and eventually married one. I wonder about her all the time and whether she's actually happy with him.
In high school and even in college I was so bought into the fundieness, that I was waiting for god to drop the one into my lap. Any girl I was interested in, I immediately went to thoughts of marriage and potential future kids. It took me till my thirties to get out of that mindset and realize that dating was for getting to know people and seeing how you clicked and just having fun. It took me believing that god told me a specific girl was the person I was supposed to marry and pretty much stalking her for 6 months and the complete fall out from that when she got married during that 6 months that I started taking a closer looks at my beliefs on god, and was I really hearing his “still small voice”
Your journals are a treasure! In between cringes, such a window to your young self.
My first boyfriend and I met in youth group. We were doing the ‘Read the Bible in 3 months’ challenge and I asked him to be my Bible reading partner. We literally read the Bible together...alone. Scandalous! He was actually a good partner to me and very respectful of physical boundaries. The relationship was problematic of course in other ways (he was more fundie than I) but pure in the sense of ‘innocent’ and safe. He was so respectful. It was a good ‘courtship’ 👀🤣 but did not end in marriage. Lol
What caused yall to break up?
@@tiarajasmin1915 Purity culture BS. Best kisser I’ve ever known. Could make out for hours. Lol but he was getting older and he had urges and it was one of those things that he tried to handle himself/personally. We’d be making out and then he’d get up to use the bathroom. Few minutes later- came out of the bathroom- and I guess we weren’t making out anymore. Lol! But when I figured out he was doing that, in my parents’ bathroom, I freaked and ended it. I was actually kind of hostile to him and I feel bad. He lives in my town and if I run into him- I’d like to make my apology known. Anyway, he ended up married to someone else in a matter of months; because if you’re married- sex! They had a son, and then she left him. Weren’t together very long. He’s still single that I’m aware of.
@@tiarajasmin1915 In hindsight, just shoulda done what we both wanted to do but felt we couldn’t. We had a relationship that was good enough and intimate spiritually and emotionally- that sex was probably the next natural and logical step.
Gotta say your journal entries are both hilarious and cute haha. Thanks for sharing your experience. I relate to your homeschooling situation a lot even if I wasn't fundie.
You are such an amazing person and a breath of fresh air. I’ve been binge watching all your videos and appreciate allowing your audience to get to know you on such an intimate level. Keep it up! ❤️
Ngl the "Glow of Jesus" really cracked me up
Also known as "Mormon Glow"
Your diaries remind me of myself trying to convince myself that i really really really Just wanted to be FRIENDS with this Girl. FRIENDS. Nothing more to see here. Just Gal pals with that Girl with the shiny Hair and big doe eyes....
No religious Background, just strong bi erasure, but it's interesting how teenagers everywhere manage to use the same rethoric to fool themselves that theyre totally Not into Person x.
I didn't grow up in a Christian fundamentalist household but I am certain I got second-hand indoctrinated. After moving away from my hometown for good at age 26, I learned (mostly because of the 2016 election) that practically everyone I ever had interactions with growing up was part of this movement in one sect or another. I haven't watched all of your videos yet but so far literally every topic you discuss is something I was taught as a child or teenager, though usually without any religious context so I was totally unaware of where it was all coming from and what its purpose was. That is, until one of my family members was cleverly coerced into joining the movement with the promise of friendship and community at a vulnerable point in their life when their spouse had just passed away, and then I started to see what was really going on. The weird books with hidden messages about being subservient to your future husband under the guise of romance friends were trying to make me read, creepy songs that sound pretty until you actually listen to them and hear that the lyrics are about how much of a worthless human being you are being played at weddings I attended, the pressure to get married and start having kids as soon as possible, the subtle discouragement from attending college as that would delay the family-building process, discouraging mental health treatment in favor of praying and going to church more to solve your problems, all of it.... So as someone who didn't grow up in the same situation yet was close enough to it that the BS still got injected into every facet of my being to the point where I once thought I was going to have to commit suicide if I wasn't able to find a good man - or any man - by a certain age, thank you for posting these videos. It's extremely helpful for me to hear your experiences, understand where this nonsense is coming from, and validate that these harmful ideas do not have to shape me as a person anymore.
As a non orthodox/non-fundamental Jew, I'm chuckling almost because if you got my journal as a teenager you'd also see it filled with heartbreak about boys I spoke with for only 4 hours =]. It's a bit of a universal thing, but thankfully I wasn't shamed by family/parents/religion by feeling these feelings. They supported me through them (or, well, embarrassed me through them! hahaha). Love seeing that we have a connection even though we had such different upbringings, though I'm sorry that you weren't able to keep a connection with a human that brought you happiness.
The dynamic with the boy brought up ALOT for me in terms of enmeshment with my fundie parent. Thank you for sharing it, this is really healing.
I love that you have your journals to supplement these memories.
Wow, this brought back memories of intense crushes based a simple conversation or glance lol. I once plotted out an entire romance because some boy smiled at me while we were being tutored. 😅 It also reminded me of how desperately I tried to convince myself that the intense feelings from simple conversations or glances from girls was somehow ADMIRATION and not a crush. Rereading my old journals, it's obvious and makes my heart hurt for little me. Is this something you experienced too?
This is embarrassing for me but I relate to this video so much even though I feel I don’t have the right to.
I went to public school and wasn’t raised too religious BUT I was an only child and dealt with a short tempered, overly involved mother and a very judgmental father. I was alone for majority of my childhood and into middle school years. I developed sever social anxiety that I’ve never been able to fully shake. To cope I turned to religion on my own. I did very similar things with writing in journals and being obsessed for years with one guy who showed interest in me at a friends wedding. I looked at religion as an easy way to the things I wanted. I wanted to be liked and to feel like I was a part of a community. It’s obviously not that easy but in my 14 year old brain I really thought if I were raised super Christian I’d have a community and people around me all the time that excepted me.
When will parents figure out that forbidding something just makes it more attractive? Half the time if you just let it run its course, the kid will be over it in a few days anyway with no harm done.
The 5th commandment is most exploitable because we, as a species, have survived by listening to our parents.
I was not raised in the Fundamentalist. I find videos very interesting. One thing I guess I disagree about is I don't think people should watch these reality TV shows. I think we're helping promote these fundamentalist. We don't need that what we need is more people like you
I resonate so much with this. Thank you for the content you put out. It cannot be easy to bear your heart in these videos the way you do. Thank you for your vulnerability and strength and for sharing your story. I had a similar upbringing, minus the parental abuse. Well, maybe there was some parentification and emotional manipulation going on but that is another story. My parents came from abusive homes and did everything they could to create a different, better life for my brother and I. They succeeded but now that I am older I see how desperate they were to escape their pasts. That desperation led them into the arms of religious extremists. Now that my brother and I are older, my parents are not as strict with their Christianity as before. I admire their ability to change and grow.
Well anyway, thank you so much. Its so healing to see that I am not alone in my experiences because it feels so isolated to come from this background.
You have a lovely narrator’s voice; great story telling. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I really like hearing your stories. I grew up in a really conservative place around a lot of evangelical christians and tried to blend in for a while even though I didn't really know if I believed in Christianity at the time. As I grew up and especially after moving away I realized how cultist the ways of the community I had grew up in were. I always hope my conservative peers of my past would deconstruct and heal from those toxic things they were indoctrinated into. Unfortunately from what I've seen so far they became younger versions of their parents by the age of 21, married with kids teaching Sunday school and indoctrinating their own children into the same toxic religious culture and also spewing beliefs that included purity culture, homophobia, xenophobia, and sexism to name a few. I'm glad you got out and are helping others with your story. I think you would be great at writing a book about your experiences.
My sister admitted to wanting to have sex with her boyfriend, and snuck him over shortly after once, she got dropped off at a homeless shelter in Phili. So when you say, anything can turn into a crisis, yea.
Wait what? Dropped off by who? Did your parents dump her there? So many questions!
Is she okay?? I'm kinda concerned ngl
8:30 you hit the nail on the head. I never thought of it this way but now it makes so much sense. I was never allowed to talk about/to boys but also encouraged to write to my future husband and always told to pray for my future husband. The worst of that was my one aunt who was considered "the fun aunt" because she would talk about boys, clothes, and makeup to us, would try to get us to talk about who we liked and then relay that info back to my aunt (who raised me). Then I would be shamed for liking a boy.
I relate to the over-spiritualizing EVERYTHING.
I feel that. My dad was SO controlling that he got in his car and followed me if I went on a walk. Needless to say, I did not have any relationships with boys till I was in college and I was working jobs. I greatly resent my dad’s control.
OMG your dad literally wanted Keith to STALK you. Get your address without your help??? What the heck!!!!!
Sorry, i kinda vented so like- TW for shitty controlling parents , neglect
as a afab who was only allowed a cell phone when i turned 18 yEAh oh i can relate a lot and i felt the same when watching the show too, i feel for lydia so much and your life too , i was also parentified and enmeshed , was also homeschooled too , our Christianity was close to this vibe too
actually i had a moment that felt so betraying and hurtful to me, it was when my mom asked who i was texting (when i was 18) and i said it was my one(1) guy friend (who is also a family friend/we all were friends with the family) and she said "oh. how often do you talk?" and she looked like she was about to cry, like i was doing something so wrong by just texting a friend just because he was a guy, i remember thinking "What?? what!? i cant even have this? i cant even have one guy friend who i talk to occasionally? it's not even romantic !!" Sad part is that i did have a little crush on him even if i assumed i wouldnt be allowed to date someone, a tiny part of my thought "wow ! we're talking like friend a little bit, maybe we could get to know each over more hehe ^^ " but after my mom did that, i was so hurt that i was like "Okay fine then, i'll just give up!! I won't try to talk to him more then normal, or anything like that!! i mean its not like he'd want to date me anyway so why am i even trying !" like that angry sad crying feeling you get where it just feels like too much to push back so you just give in to it even if you dont really want to
yeah
ugggh but this(whole topic and vid) is making me want to message a guy friend again who lives far away who probably has a crush on me too (like we were quick friends and kinda acted like we were already dating in person before he moved) but he hasnt replied back in a while so i dont want to bother him but also i'm so starved for romance/and a little giddy with it (never dated anyone before and im 24) that everything does feel so important and fleeting like if i dont try it'll be gone but if i do maybe it'll be too much for him, but either way i really want to get to know him more and i miss him since he had to move, and even if it's okay (in a way) to say "if it's meant to work out it will work out" i wish it could be more solid and predicable, i def dont want to leave it to god or not try , i hope to get a chance to talk to him honestly about our feelings soon which we may both be shyly avoiding in a way (he hasnt dated before either)
but another thing i need to remind myself of is that just because ppl dont talk to you in a while don't mean they stopped liking you, and that its okay to want to be with someone more
i feel like the neglect i got growing up makes it feel a little normal for someone to just be done with me out of no where, and that i should just burry my feelings about it. But also if i feel like i see signs of someone leaving i get pretty anxious too even if it could just be "oh he just has other friends he's talking w or things to do or busy with games and/or just people can want breaks and he'll be back in time, it's happened before no problem ! " logically i know its pretty normal to go a few weeks without talking to someone and i wouldnt get upset at anyone for that (we're both ND ppl too ), but still silently i'm like " * insert that big o^o emoji face * aww, could we go back to talking a lot more frequently again soon? o^o pleeease, i miss it "
but oh goodness im sorry !! that was a lot ! i hope thats okay, it helped to talk about it at least
why was this the most heart-wrenching story I've ever heard I WAS NOT PREPARED
I'd never heard of "Welcome to Plathville" til now, but just from the little I saw in your video, I'm disgusted by it. Disgusted by the lack of privacy for these kids growing up, and seeing the mom going through her daughter's phone (disgusting) and then sharing it with the world on TV.
Gawwwd, we were traumatized by religious parents, but I'm glad our trauma wasn't aired on TV.
On a different note though, I love your channel Elly!!!! I grew up with religion too and have a lot of deconstructing still even after leaving it six years ago. I feel like I was trapped in the TAMEST version of christianity, and yet it was soooooo fucking hard to "wake up", that honestly I can't IMAGINE having been trapped in stricter circumstances like the one you and Annie were in.
I'm so happy you've found liberation and are growing a platform to do what you can to help others do the same.
Much love. :)
Also, enmeshment and autonomy are new words to my vocabulary, thank you. :)
I really admire your bravery in reading your high school journals online. I can barely read mine without cringing, let alone share them with anyone! I also grew up fundamentalist (though not as strict as you describe) and was homeschooled through middle and high school. I relate to SO much of this; I'm having flashbacks to my 2-year long crush on this guy in youth group (my primary source of socialization in HS) who I was convinced was "the one" God wanted me to marry.... even though we never actually had a romantic relationship. He was dating someone else and eventually moved out of state, and it was the END OF THE WORLD (at the time....). I really enjoy your videos and being so transparent and open about your experiences.
Great commentary and insight - hoping that your message can be received by those currently in the position of your younger self! Just subscribed, going to have a listen through more videos now :) Thanks!
I related to this so much even noww at 25years. I am Catholic. I wasn't homeschooled either but have experienced 85% of what you have. Thank you for sharing this it has made me realize some things that has caused pain. I relate to her out of everyone on Plathville also.
Lydia is the plaths Jana, the stay at home daughter
Ok. This is probably a totally off topic comment, but after that glorious comparison to Arwen, the elf princess in Lord of the Rings, please tell me that you have now, later in life seen the Lord of the Rings movies? 😁
Just so we know:
In 2018 Joshua Harris disavowed this book.
Of course the cover of I Kissed Dating Goodbye is a guy tipping a fedora 💀
Too bad your parents could have been more supportive with Keith, you guys might have made a good match.
What a well done, thoughtful video. Sharing your insights and observations is enlightening as a parent in Bible belt community. This is a real window into family dynamics that I've only seen from the outside.
Hearing you read your diary aloud is just absolutely heartbreaking. Your parents shut you down over and over again when all you wanted was to pursue basic, normal human emotional needs. This was abuse.
My neighbors were home schooling fundamentalist. The children were like feral animals - nice kids but with out social skills. There were 7 kids - 3 boys and 4 girls. Other than church they never went anywhere. The mom seemed overwhelmed. Military dad was gone all the time. When my Episcopalian mom died, one of the kids asked if she was saved? And didn't know what the Episcopal Church was and if it was "Christian". Told them to ask mother. This same kid also told me they had been learning about evolution and how it has all been disproved.
P.S. the same kid referenced above just finished 1st year at college in BSN - nursing program. Wonder if/ how world view has changed?
Looking past all the gross indoctination, you are a really good writer
i just wanted to say that as an another ex-fundie homeschool to queer trans pipeline kids that your words are so incredibly powerful and you are doing some amazing work by sharing your story, thank you fr
In fundamentalism, I was always told to be on the lookout, that the Holy Spirit would reveal a wife to me who i would have to relentlessly pursue... It could have been anyone. Looking back it feels more like they were encouraging me to Twilight imprint on some poor girl
Wow!
Yeah that's just confusion.
God clearly states in His word that *"He (a man/male) who finds a wife (woman/female) finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD/Jehovah. ~ Proverbs 18 verse 22.
So, yeah someone was teaching you erroneous things. Sorry that happened to you.
@@LivingOnPurpose1 Oh fam the whole concept was erroneous lol
I can’t stand the way Kim treats Lydia.
This is a great video
Sounds to me like “Keith” is/was abusive. Good thing your parents didn’t let talk to him (not that they knew this about him). But still, good thing!
This video gave my flashbacks to my teens when I was homeschooled. I didn’t think I would relate to you like I do, I wasn’t a fundamentalist, I wasn’t even Christian but your mother’s abusive reflects mine to a tee. The isolation, the shaming, the gaslighting and manipulation. The we walked on eggshells around my mothers explosive anger. My mother didn’t believe that friends were important, she didn’t understand why everyone asked how we socializes as homeschoolers; the only thing you needed was family. Friends will abandon you anyway. And my father (who was a rational, science based adult) was never around enough to understand the scope of the abuse, as he was always travelling for work. I wish someone was looking out for us homeschooled kids :(
Sometimes being hurt and having it not work out can be part of the plan. Look at the people even in the Bible who made mistakes! Mistakes are part of living and learning. We're all sinners. And we will sin until we die. Fundamentalism is not the answer! I will pray for you that continue to heal on your journey and that God brings you back to him the right way! That's what happened to me. We Catholics believe it or not can actually be very liberal and forgiving. God touched me and he showed me his love and the truth. Your story breaks my heart. I didn't get the message that God was love either. Mental health problems can be very common for Christians. I was homeschooled but I hung out with regular kids too. If I had kids I would NEVER raise my children this way. In my faith, there was a woman who was a doctor with three kids that became a saint! Women were given gifts skills to use not just be mothers.
God has very little to do with dating, or eventually finding a spouse, biblically speaking. Yes pray for wisdom and discernment when dealing with people you like, but God expects US to use our brains and make decisions based on attraction level, mutual interests, etc. 14 years old is probably too young for this sort of thing, but 16 and older it’s probably good advice!
this Keith guy has so much Wickham vibe from Pride and Prejudice. I'm sorry for your heartbreak, although it seems you dodged a bullet there. It's so sad that in these super controlling environments parents don't prepare their daughters to be aware of red flags, instead isolating them and deliberately making them naïve and easy prey for other manipulative people.
It must be so confusing to be a fundy child. We hear so many of them talking about how they thought they knew god's will but it turned out to be just what they wanted. Meanwhile their parents are saying things like "I prayed on it and God told me that he wants..." and it's just whatever the parent wants. Of course you get confused between gods will and your personal desires! You're surrounded by adults doing the same thing.
When I first watched an episode I thought Lydia was the eldest. The reason being the level of responsibility she was carrying.
I kept wondering where the fundie mom was. After all wasn't she supposed to be carrying these responsibilities.
Lydia is such a beautiful girl. I was a Christain homeschooler I was fortunate to have good friends. My experience was lonely at times but it wasn't so bad.
I love your videos and truly appreciate your sharing your journey with us. I wish you continued good health and all the love and support you deserve. Also, the best part of this particular video is your gorgeous doggie napping behind you. ❤️
That's so friggin backwards.... you're already emotionally invested.... yeah she's interested! Let her explore that and then decide to back off if she doesn't want to talk to him anymore.
Keith sounds like a creep. You dodged a bullet, girl!
As someone whose name is Lydia, thank you for saying, "I feel your pain, Lydia."
Wow. She writes so eloquently and uses all the appropriate lingo. Convincing to herself and her fam.
Slightly off topic but i really like your writing! Love watching your videos and wish i was as eloquent now as you were as a teen haha
Sounds like keith was a player and a user. I think he'd con a lot of girls and im not sure public school or previous dating experience would have made a girl less vulnerable to his games and charms
Hey, I’m new to your channel. I’m really finding a lot of value in your videos. You are wonderfully compassionate towards the culture that has caused you so much trauma. That’s so admirable.
What is your education? You would be a tremendous social worker.
Makes you wonder if he did write you and mom made sure you didn't know 🤔
I thought the same.
Oh my goodness I just love you. I felt this right in my little dramatic teenager heart.
This was probably the most riveting story-time video I’ve seen on RUclips lol. Your channel is fascinating! I’m so glad you escaped this mess 😭
Poor Lydia. She is so sweet and her mother keeps her tied to their tiny little bubble. She must feel so lonely.
I cringed so hard when you described Keith taking your hands and praying over you.
Honestly I feel like the mom on here reminds me a little like how my mom is...
Keith was a player. In this case, it was probably good your parents prevented you from originally communicating with him at a young age. Fortunately, you got wiser as you got older and you were able to let him go. While I don’t generally like the control and lack of ability to have relationships, I think in this case it was for the best.
I see where you're coming from, but a major role parents are supposed to play is allowing their children to learn and make mistakes with a safety net. Allowing her to contact this boy with some restrictions (i.e., letters) and realize he was a player over time, could have served her well later in life and may have prevented him playing her in person as he eventually did.
I LOVE your teenage journals and especially loved the “he’s in and not of the world.” Lol
'Keith' sounds like a walking red flag
Also, much love to your younger self ❤️
wow i can relate with it.
Fellas, is it gay to have a brother in christ?
P.S. this all sounds so creepy. 😐
I have that sweater and I love it so much!
I love that you can love, hurt and still see the loveliness of that sweet little girl you were. I see an amazing young lady through your writings. Your compassion for your younger self shines through...I agree with "Keith" you have even know a lovely glow about you...and I can imagine you as a lovely Galadriel. :)