Kissing Dreams & How I Learned about Sex | Growing Up in Purity Culture
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 4 июл 2024
- This video is about my experiences growing up in purity culture- the shame I felt at being interested in kissing, sex, and romantic relationships, and the way my repressed feelings and curiosities surfaced in my dreams. I share how I first learned about PIV sex on accident as well as my parents' rules about courtship and their love for "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." I also briefly discuss why I am passionate about comprehensive sex education beginning in childhood (and why this is a fundie parent's nightmare.)
Editor's note: At 17:44, I said that I was taught the mechanics of PIV sex. I'd like to clarify that I was given a very minimal description. As a virgin on my wedding day, I still had unanswered questions.
CW: religious trauma, including discussions of the rapture
[Sex Education Resources]
"Beyond the Birds & the Bees - What Comprehensive Sex Education Looks Like" by Education Week: • Beyond the Birds & the...
"Why Early Sex Ed Is Awesome!" by Nadine Thornhill: • Why Early Sex Ed Is Aw...
"How To Talk To Preschoolers About Anatomy & Body Safety | Planned Parenthood Video" by Planned Parenthood: • How To Talk To Prescho...
"Where do BABIES come from?!? - Bodies: QUEER KID STUFF #34" by Queer Kid Stuff: • Where do BABIES come f...
"Updated 'It’s Perfectly Normal' Sex Ed Book: More LGBTQ Inclusive, But Gaps Remain" by Mombian: mombian.com/2021/05/18/update...
"New LGBTQ-Inclusive Sex Ed Book Will Inform and Support All Tweens" by Mombian: mombian.com/2020/08/18/new-lg...
"Sex Ed For LGBTQ Youth - Five Ways To Make Sex Ed More Queer Inclusive!" by Nadine Thornhill: • Sex Ed For LGBTQ Youth...
"Trauma Informed Approaches When Teaching Sex Education" by
AFY - Virtual Professional Development: • Trauma Informed Approa...
"The Scary Reality Of Sex Education In Alabama | State Of Grace | Refinery29" by Refinery 29: • The Scary Reality Of S...
[Timestamps]
00:00 - Growing up in purity culture
01:59 - Comprehensive sex education
03:19 - How I learned about PIV sex
10:45 - My "rebellious year" & my "testimony"
14:11 - Asking questions & feeling shamed
16:43 - Dream #1: Sex dream with a girl
18:11 - Dream #2: Rapture kissing dream
21:51 - Courtship & I Kissed Dating Goodbye
26:57 - Dream #3: Getting married at 13
31:51 - A quick "paws" for dog content
[Background Music]
Title: Still
www.hooksounds.com
Image Description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes, is sitting in front of a blank wall as she talks to the camera. Her shoulder-length brown hair is down, and she is wearing a dark blue sweater. To her left is the corner of a desk that holds green plants and a small bisexual flag. Throughout the video, there are screen shots and clips that correspond with the content mentioned.
#ReligiousTrauma #Exvangelical #IKissedDatingGoodbye #ChristianCourtship #ChristianPatriarchy #BiVisibility #PurityCulture
The honeymoon story: ruclips.net/user/shortsvQDhPWLMcZk
Your friend's mom is low-key the hero of this story. Her use of the socratic method rather than directly disputing your statement sounds like it was very impactful. She must have realized she was dropping a bomb, right?
The smartest thing I ever did as a kid was changing my Baptist mother's answer from "No" to "Yes" on the permission slip for sex ed. I never received The Tal from her, and I certainly never got it from my former stepfather who was heavily involved in the church.
As a male ex-fundie, I didn't know that vaginas were a thing until high school. My lack of sexual knowledge led to a lot of embarrassment and being made fun of in school.
That sucks man
@@dexterbunco4212 I’m sorry if it’s a bad memory for you but the fact that you knew about chromosomes before fannies is for some reason very funny to me 😭😭😂😂 if it’s not too personal did you think women had dicks too? From your username I’m assuming you’re AMAB and possess a schlong so I don’t know how you could have missed out on the existence of wangs
If he's ever open to it, I think we'd all LOVEEEE to meet your husband!! Or, if he's not comfortable on camera, maybe he'd be open to answering some questions from us and having you read them? I'm so curious as to how he perceived your family, how he came to his own conclusions about religion, and how y'all navigated parenting together.
same.
Thanks for asking! I have invited him to come onto my channel, but so far he'd prefer not to. What I've shared about him in my videos and Q&As is what he feels comfortable with for now. He's a much more private person than I am. But he's always welcome if he ever changes his mind :)
@@ExFundieDiaries Thank you for the thoughtful reply, I am a huge fan!! Please let Husband know we'd welcome his presence on the channel but hope he never feels pressured to be involved- It's a brave thing you're doing to put your face behind this content, I might not take the risk either if my partner did something similar. However, I have my questions ready if he's ever interested!!
@@ExFundieDiaries why not try "may be he'd be open to answering some questions from us and have you read them" or even you just speak "him" on his behalf, kinda like a 'spokeperson'!!!
Though I actually came back to this video to pass my respect, appreciation and admiration for such a real, honest and open talk from a girl / female regarding this subject!!!
I'm in my 40s now and been exactly there, especially sexually!!!
I disagree with that expert: consent should be the first thing you teach little kids as sex ed. You don't need to talk about sex as such. It's quite common for nice normal adults to expect kids to hug/kiss people when they don't want to, or for kids to hug/kiss both other kids and pets without asking/checking first, and they (toddlers or adults) should be taught to make sure it's wanted
v v important yeah. but honestly i think the clip is just unclear in general, like I can't really even tell what she's recommending to be taught in the younger grades
I agree! Consent is important to ask for just about everything. They could frame it as "can i borrow your crayon" or "can i give you a hug" for younger kids
@@anjabartlog496 SEL or social emotional learning is a new type of education they are implementing in schools, focusing on what she’s talking about. there are diff types of curriculum out there, like second step
Yes, so important! ❤
I grew up Trad-Cath, homeschooled until 8th grade, the second oldest of eight siblings. I joined the swim team in 9th grade, and shortly thereafter realized I was a lesbian. It's kind of hard to see all genders of people in swimsuits everyday and not think about who you prefer to look at "lustfully" I remember having a sexy dream about a female friend of mine when I was 15, and waking up, having realized "Oh, I'm gay." And then I just didn't talk about it to anyone, even while preaching homophobia to my friends at Catholic school. (I wasn't like those other bad gays, i was planning on becoming a nun, so why would I ever need to come out if I wasn't planning on getting married anyway.)The dream was kind of the last puzzle piece for me.
Elly, watching your videos is like having the open and warm conversations with another deconstructing Fundie that I always wished I'd had when I was younger but never had. I cannot thank you enough for this. The IFB purity culture that I was raised in ruined most of the adult romantic relationships I had, even after I was deep into deconstruction and considered myself an atheist. It's hard for people outside of this culture to understand how truly damaging it is and how long that damage persists. My dad's version of the "birds and bees" talk was basically yelling in my face that boys are disgusting and only "want to see your butt and chest," and then got mad at me for appearing awkward. Thank you, again, for helping shine a light on this fundie abuse...and that's exactly what purity culture is: Abuse.
That means a lot, thank you!! :)
What is " IFB" purity.
I feel the same way! It’s so therapeutic to hear that another fundie was able to unpack all of the religious abuse we were put through. And Elly does such a nice job making the audience feel like they are right there in the room.
My (Jewish liberal) Mom showed me “It’s Perfectly Normal” when I was 7. She had originally planned to wait until I was 10, but my best friend’s mother was a gender studies professor at a local college and taught her kids about it even earlier. That woman had sex Ed theory books all over her office in the basement of their house. 😊
yeah, my liberal jewish mother did something similar - she's a nurse and thought it was very important for me to understand what sex was early on. i think i would have been a lot worse off if i hadn't learned about it in elementary school from a trusted source
I'm glad it worked out well for you, but I was very uncomfortable being told about sex at about 11 lol. I would have probably been horrified (even more) if I found out at such a young age. For context, my parents are atheist and where I lived was very sex positive, but I think it was a bit too sex positive in the way that I felt pressured to want sex even as a 12 year old. I think maybe it would be a good idea to be open about it if the child wants to know but at the same time not forcing them to learn before they are ready :)
@@ahuman5772 that sounds kind of like an issue with your parents not understanding how to talk to a child about sex in an age-appropriate way more than anything. there is always an age-appropriate way to give sex ed, even if it's completely divorced from the concept of sexuality - for example, in the first few minutes of this video, the idea of things like consent/boundaries being taught to children before they learn about sexual biology and health was brought up. some kids probably need to hear certain things sooner or later than others because we're all different
sorry to hear that you had a bad relationship with learning about it overall. i think most people who teach sex ed in a professional capacity these days are cognizant of how to address the boundaries of children while teaching them what they need to know, but it's always important to consider the individual needs of every child in any part of their schooling
Omg I had that book too I might actually still have it in my house
Your relationship with your mom sounds SO much like mine with my mom. Except I had NO talk. No intervention. "Don't get pregnant!" when I went to prom.
She wanted us to be close but was NEVER told "come talk to me if you have. questions."
But also the airplane to heaven dream is HILARIOUS. So surreal.
purity culture fucked a lot of us Millenials.
and i LOVE how Josh Harris is also completely deconstructed now!
I'm glad he regrets his contributions to purity culture, but I can't entirely forgive him. It's done so much harm to both boys and girls raised in Fundie families.
@@hannahbrennan2131 i too have mixed feelings. happy he is free and so open about it. but…all the LONG-TERM: pain & hurt & damage caused to so many within evangelicalism & the fundie worlds of the 90’s and early 2000’s.
i agree. i’m torn. and the majority of honest individuals infected with Purity Culture’s toxic ideas…they will as well.
Yeah, I'm glad that he as a person has grown and changed.....but we are not obligated to forgive him.....I'm not ready to forgive him for that hate speech that ruined my friend's lives.
I learned about what sex and sex health was on my own when I was 17-19. When I had my first period my mom just said "that is just a sign God made your body ready to have a baby" (she has a lot of shame around sex and refuses to even talk about it). Cue the fear of me being the second virgin giving birth for the rest of my teen years. I didnt know what sex was but I figured it involved two people and I too thought kissing=sex. So I was clear but being told I was ready to bear children and being a virgin I thought I would end up like mary. Not knowing how sex and sexual relationships work made it hard for me to figure out I am asexual.
Man, girl, I feel you! I remember @I Kissed Dating Goodbye. That book and the whole courtship, marry the first one you date has generated tremendous damage on my life and that of my siblings. I remember the “don’t be anywhere alone with a girl”, “don’t think about girls” etc etc. I grew up really wanting sex and romance but also feeling guilty about ever feeling it. Great video-can’t wait for the honeymoon story!
I am really disturbed by the "first kiss at the altar" story. That is a very deep personal and private moment! To have a parent turn it into a public spectacle is atrocious.
@@gmansard641 It's like how people behaved in the 18th and 19th centuries when most marriages were arranged.
This story reminds of the scene on Bridgerton when Eloise asks how a woman becomes pregnant. Her brothers know and one of them starts to answer by saying, “Have you ever visited a farm?” before another brother shuts him up. I guess in your case, it’s if you’ve ever visited a 4H club. Lol
Ellie, as a firstborn daughter of five who was raised fundie and homeschooled, I cannot tell you enough how much your channel means to me. I always felt so alone and weird, and the way we were raised WAS weird but I wasn’t the problem. Thank you 💕💕💕
Also a mom and queer I want to add 🌈😭🤣
I know quite a few "fundies." I don't see any reason to bash them. Many are hypocrites but their belief system is not in any way threatening to me.
@Crystal I’m so glad fundie ideology has never harmed you but it’s harmed so many of us. The amount of lgbt children who have decided to end it all because of their fundie upbringing and beliefs is so heartbreaking. Even non-lgbt people have been crushed and permanently damaged and hurt by fundamentalist ideology is innumerable and that’s why I am more than comfortable calling it out wherever I see it and if that’s “bashing” then I’m fine with it.
@@ThePunkHobbit It is truly a shame when a child, in a car, witnesses carnage on the road. People maimed and killed right before their eyes. Unfortunate enough to be among the first to see what happened. To anyone much less a child a scene such as this is truly traumatizing! It happens too often and not just on the roads but whenever it happens it is severely traumatizing to children and adults alike. Most adults should be able to handle the trauma but no child can be prepared for such an ugly scene. It is truly awful. I wish it on no one!
@@crystalgiddens7276 lmao I will critique the way I was indoctrinated however I please
Wow wow wow. it's important to teach our children the basic facts... Like, we humans are animals, too... I grew up being told the creation story over and over, so when my 4th grade teacher told this to our class one day: "Humans are animals, too!" my shock was OUT OF THIS WORLD. I was utterly flabbergasted
The extent of my sex education was my mom awkwardly saying that men and women's bodies fit together in a special way, while we ate Wendy's in the park. She said she'd leave a book in her room if I wanted to know more but of course I wasn't going to go in and look for it. I went into middle school not understanding a single joke that anybody was making and unfortunately a lot of my "sex education" ended up coming from the internet. I felt so behind everyone else for years.
My parents wanted us all to live in separate houses on the same property too! They always framed it as “we love you so much, we just want to be together and have fun!” I would mention this to friends and they would all be weirded out and I couldn’t figure out why. 🤦♀️
Hey there!! So I’m a retired(?) secular homeschool mom - my kids are now 21 & 19. I’m extremely passionate about making sex ed a priority for all children. Open, age appropriate SE is something my kids have always appreciated. There have definitely been times that I’ve been uncomfortable about how much they share with me, but I never shut down a conversation bc I want them to feel like they are able to come to me about anything. I have soooooo much to say and talk about on the subject. Let me know if you wanna chat XOXO
So much of this resonates with me.
The ‘you’re too young to be thinking about this’, the repression dreams, calling yourself perverted in your diary.
Ex-cath here, was told the basics at age 5. In Catholic school, we had a reasonable amount explained by grade 5.
In that grade, we were taught by a married couple. The look on both of their faces as the man noted that quote "sex is very pleasurable" is seared into my brain for the rest of my life.
It made sense in context and the faces and discussion were both reasonable, actually, but it was a formative moment and the situation is still really funny by default.
There are a lot of messed up things in Catholicism, but this was at least approximately how to best handle things
What I've heard about catholicism, it's more reasonable than protestant a lot of times...
I grew up evanghelic lutheran here in Northern Finland. My parents are not fundamentalists but a lot of people here are, and we all belong to the same church, the state church.
@@raapyna8544 im from germany, catholic church has a worse reputation than protestant. The catholics have the pope with a much stronger hirachy, no woman can become priests, and a lot of sexual child abuse. Protestants can have female priests, the hirachy is way less strict and things like, you can pray and confess your sins without having to tell it to a priest.
At least my vibe is that catholic=conserative and protestant=more liberal
(read your comment again, maybe i mean evangelic-lutheran with protestant, i am not so sure anymore if the two mean the same)
Omg, I finally got to the end of the video. My parents literally live on a sprawling Alaskan property adjacent to my sister and her five home-schooled kids. I was supposed to live there, too. I live New York. 🤣 Also, we NEED not want NEED to hear the story of your parents showing up on your honeymoon!! Spill that tea, Elly!
Nice photo
Girl you need to use those diaries to write a young adult book. It's amazing that you have them.
"I'm only 13!" gives big "but, I'm a cheerleader" vibes.
Hi Ellie! I've binged your content in like 3 days haha. I love your confidance and I'm SOOOO amazed by your ability to talk about all your experiences. I recon that you've must have put so much work into it. It really shows. I think about your situation every day and you've complitety changed my perspective. I've talked about your channel with all of my close friends - now they are your fans too🙌. I've started to notice little signs of emocjonal abuse at school and I'm learning to deal with them. I'm so greatful that you share your life with us. (I'm so excited for you to read my comment🤩). I also don't want you to feel pressured to make more content as your channel grows. I imagine it can be stressful and I want you to know that you can slow down/quit every second and that's ok. You've done so much good!! Thank you❤️
Thank you so much! What a kind comment :) I'm so glad my videos have been helpful for you!!
It is so so healing to me to have found your channel. It brings me a lot of peace knowing I wasn’t the only one feeling or experiencing these things
"It's the end of the world, do you want to kiss?" sounds like such a raw line, not gonna lie.
I remember there was a boy I liked when I was 16 but my family moved across the country. I was debating so hard whether I should try and kiss him before we moved but decided against it because a kiss would be a "commitment" to him because I wasn't supposed to kiss until marriage
Purity culture left me with SO MUCH SHAME for SO LONG surrounding my high sexual drive and very human desires. So glad I was able to move past that and accept my sexuality
Recently found your channel andI love your demeanor on camera! It's very calming and comforting. As someone raised agnostic, I don't share the exact same experiences, but I love hearing about your experi nce unlearning shame! In your Q&A video when you said masturbating was part of self care, I yelled in happiness. So grateful for your channel, and thank you for sharing your story!
i know agnostics have chern but i never knew they raised their chern agnostic. 2 b sure, what I mean by that is that there can't be much to "teach" them?
@@crystalgiddens7276 I'm not sure I know what you mean, but to me, being raised agnostic means my parents didn't tell me straight up that there is no god, but I wasn't pushed into believing, either. When we had faith-based discussions, they were very neutral and open-ended. My father is a hard-line atheist, but my mother was more open to spirituality, just not in an organized religion.
@@cosmog6470
That is kinda exactly what I meant. What is there to discuss? To teach? That some people "believe?" Well, of course!
To me that would be the extent of it (any discussion on the matter)..., if it even went that far because almost everyone will come across those that "believe" and they will eventually come to their own conclusion.
I.E. Nothing to push one way or the other. No discussion required. Nothing to talk about.
@@crystalgiddens7276 I think there's still plenty to discuss outside of whether or not you believe. Questions about why people believe, where the religions come from, how they're practiced with different customs and to different degrees are the kinds of things I discussed as a child, and would encourage my hypothetical kid to ask. There's so much more than "do you believe or not" when it comes to learning about religion
In the 1960s-70s it was 10 times worse. I got my period and thought I was dying. I got thrown a pad,told to put it on,change it and deal with it every 28 days and don't tell anyone. I was 10 and thought I was a freak. I didn't know what males privates looked like at 18. My mom said look at a male dog it is the same. I was around farm animals and thought only they mated. I saw two adults doing it and thought they were playing leap frog. I was told homosexuals had their sex organs in their throats.Keep your V-card unpunched until marriage. At 15, I said i think i lost my V-card. It would have been in my wallet. In my 1st year in college, i read a sex ed book. Religion and sex do not mix
Whenever I hear stories like this I am grateful for my free-thinking semi-practicing Catholic family. My parents never restricted any books or magazines (my father liked Harold Robbins novels) and my mother enthusiastically supported birth control. While I was never comfortable expressing my deep personal feelings on sexuality (I am a very private person, there have been only a few select people I discuss it with) even when only 12-13 I never questioned that these feelings were normal and healthy.
The result? When at 17 the opportunity for sex first fell in my lap (literally) I considered it for a few moments then thought WHAT? Glaringly obvious that there were too many reasons for NOT doing it. . . not just pregnancy, but at that age I knew that emotionally it was more than I wanted to deal with (and she was all of 15!). So I held off from that final step.
I don't understand the dichotomy of "Abstinence Only" and these futile attempts at eradicating sexual desire. You can teach all about sexuality and birth control while still emphasizing that most situations have a lot of good reasons to hold off, especially for younger teens. And for those who don't hold off at least they're armed with knowledge.
But to drill kids into thinking their normal natural and intense desires are evils to be eradicated is really sick.
My family is very similar to yours! I watch these videos and feel grateful for my semi-progressive (well, by American fundamentalist standards) Catholic family. My mom always made sure I had knowledge about sex, consent, periods, ect that was appropriate for my age and I'm so happy she did.
@@thatsmypsyche My parents offered to provide birth control rather than let me get a girl pregnant, but it was never needed, as when the opportunity fell in my lap (literally) at 17, it was glaringly obvious that there were too many good reasons NOT to do it, even without pregnancy (and the girl was all of 15). Giving kids knowledge does not mean they are going to run wild!
I grew up similarly to you, and have been watching through your videos the last few days. Very much enjoying your content, I’ve been on a similar journey the last 9 years or so, deconstructing, therapy, addressing medical and psychological issues that went neglected, ignored, and invalidated for most of my life. I just had to share, I said “Oh no” out loud when you said “they would buy this big property somewhere-“ I KNEW where that was going. My parents had the SAME vision. They would joke about starting their own town, having all our houses back up to each other and sharing a yard where all of the grandchildren/cousins could play together, and talked often about how “unique” our family was, and how we deserved our own TV show. 😩 Very grateful every day to be out, thank you for the emotional labor of sharing your story.
I just love you, Elly. I relate to so much of what you share. I'm Black and gender nonconforming. I think we'd be great friends in real life.
This is all waaaaaaaay too relatable. Thank you SO much. You are actively helping me deprogram purity culture right now
Hi Elly! I recently found your channel and I can't stop watching these videos. I also grew up in a pretty religious house hold but it definitely wasn't as strict as your parents. I am so glad that you decided to journal your thoughts and experiences when you were younger so we can truly see what it was like for you back then. It honestly makes me so sad hearing your younger self write about this topic and just how confused you were about these "perverted" things. Btw I am so glad I found your channel, it is really helping me get through living in a religious household where things like purity culture and strictly heterosexual relationships were forced on us at a young age. It is also giving me the confidence to possibly leave the church and my parents beliefs behind after I am able to live by myself.
Watching the trailer for I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I was expecting something like:
"You wouldn't download a boyfriend"
This is absolutely fascinating. I was raised by liberals, went to state school, and I felt starved of knowledge about sex and relationships. I can't imagine how muchworse it was for you. Thank you so much for sharing these parts of you and your past.
The "I kissed dating goodbye" author renounced his book and Christianity.
Your videos are so breathtaking in their compassion and openness. I must admit I’m not from a fundie background, but growing up in the USA south I know people who are. This helps me better understand this culture, which which I come into contact often, and how to support my ex fundie friends. Thanks so much for sharing
what a beautiful comment! and so supportive to know people who didn't grow up this way are learning and caring about the experiences of those of us who did - thank you!
I can relate to this so much! I also grew up in purity culture! It is so validating to hear other people have had experiences similar to mine.
Oh man do I relate to this! I was so worried that the rapture was going to happen before I got married or got to experience life. Also you should look up the I kissed dating goodbye guy now. He has left christianity and stopped printing the books. He has apologised for damage that it has caused.
I wasn't raised in a fundie home, not even a Christian home. But my mom was very manipulative too. I was parentified too, as the eldest child. She didn't want me to leave either, and she too dreamed of living in a big property with all her kids around her. She wasn't a fundie, but she was as controling as your parents.
Thank you for your videos, even if we didn't experience the same thing at all, I feel less alone in my PTSD recovery journey
Love from France.
Hi. I love your videos. Sex education for young children is vitally important. I first learned about sex the way too many young people learn; at 7, when the 15 neighbor boy climbed into my bed. My story is just one of millions like it. I had no word or concept for what was happening, because my Catholic parents made sure that I didn’t. I knew that sex was sinful, I just didn’t know what it was. If I had the knowledge and courage, maybe I could have stopped him. I started talking to my kids about sex when they were toddlers, at age-appropriate levels, because I wanted to save them from my fate. Given the vocabulary and letting them know that this is a topic mom is comfortable talking about, gives kids a chance at protecting themselves. My kids think I talk about sex too much. But my eldest recently married at 24 as a virgin, without being raised in any religion. Sex education should be a normal part of every child’s education. Without knowledge, we are powerless.
thank you for sharing your (painful) story! I ache to read your words "If I had the knowledge and courage, maybe I could have stopped him", as 'freeze' is the NORMAL response to sexual abuse. even if you had known more, the freeze response is SO powerful, its an innate way to protect ourself from a situation that is overwhelming, where we feel unable to leave, and its the most natural response to fear, which you would have felt regardless of how much knowledge you had! if there is any part of you that still holds judgement/ blame of yourself (the belief that you could have made things different if you had done differently, or 'had more courage') (painfully) keeps the responsibility for the abuse on yourself, the child victim, and not on the perpetrator. I am so sorry this happened to you, and am so grateful that you made such a powerful difference in your children's lives so that they would be more empowered!
@@devidaughter7782 Thank you for saying that. I don’t blame myself, thank goodness. And it was just the once. My best friend was raped about 80 times from ages 7-12, by relatives, neighbors, and family friends. She can’t stop blaming herself, even 40 years later.
Once you allow yourself to have this conversations with female friends, you’ll be shocked by how common this is. It’s not just something that happens in religious cults, like the SBC.
if you’re reading this & you know me please keep scrolling😂😂
when I was younger & in purity culture & had fantasies in my head, i would first get married to the man in my head THEN have the fantasy 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 if that’s not the most purity culture thing i’ve ever done
Thank you so much for making these videos Elly, they make me feel less alone♥
Elly!! This is your once-colleague Shanners! I had no idea how much we had in common (I grew up JW, it’s own weird fundie mess). I am so thoroughly impressed by your journey and how open and vulnerable you are with this platform. And I think the flashing lights from the “demons” was a loose fuse: it was likely wiggled loose but still connected from bouncing as the car went down the road. If it was a demon, it wasn’t very good with cars 🤣
And please say hi to M for me!
Shanners!! It’s so great to hear from you 😀 Thank you so much for your kind words and for saying hi! Wow, that is so interesting that you grew up JW. I never would have guessed! And good call on the loose fuse lol 😆
I am still a hopeful believer in the idea of Jesus.. BUT I have found your videos to be VERY HONEST in your quest to find YOU!.. I respect that and have enjoyed MANY of your videos. Being REAL is what I think a REAL GOD would value highly!
Especially for girls I firmly believe that education on puberty needs to happen earlier.
4th grade is when this information needs to be shared (for the first time) because many girls
start their puberty very early and might even experience their first period by the time they are 10/11.
@theaeon I had a friend that started her period at eight years old.😮 She was like five foot tall by the time she was eight, so she definitely developed early. So, I agree with at least teaching the girls at a younger age.
While reading through the comments I found it interesting that some of the people who were raised Catholic talked about how generally they were taught about sex at a reasonable age and in a semi-normal manner. My experience was a bit different and I honestly relate more to the fundi experience, even though I was raised Catholic. (Conservative - leaning traditional Catholic - to be fair) I didn’t learn about sex until a friend told me at school and to my knowledge, my parents never gave me or any of my 7 siblings “the talk” nor did they ever plan on it. My Mother even denied us getting the HPV vaccine because “why would we need it if we wait until marriage and marry another virginal man?”
Did you ever read st.hildegarde
Wow, your story of learning about sex makes me feel so validated. Mine was different but similar beats in not learning anything before and then being horrified when the basics of it were passed on against my mom's will. I cried too, when I learned that this shameful part of me was going to be forced into. I'm not sure even 2 decades later that I've fully recovered.
Thank you. For years I thought I was the only person like this. I spent many years repressing and blocking out my childhood. As a fellow older sister in a devout household, I can relate to you through and through. The anxiety I experience (and still experience!) was insane. Thank you for sharing!
yes, it would be fun to put a bunch of us 'oldest sisters' together and see how many similarities there would be: over-responsibility, seriousness, devoutness, strictness, repression, judgementalism, and immense inner turmoil, guilt and conflict.. . I have a feeling that Elly is speaking for LOTS of us first born daughters! wouldn't it be fun if we could all get together for an 'extended sleepover' and compare notes!? :)
This whole discussion just opened a memory up for me. I can remember being in jr high or maybe the first year of high school and having my first “real” boyfriend that I was allowed to “date” in group settings. (Meaning we could sit together at church functions and talk on the phone.) It was summer in the south so of course it’s Revival time! The revival that our church was involved in had a Youth Night and we were all so excited to go bc they had special entertainment for us kids (strong men tearing phone books and folding frying pans, doing gymnastics all bc God is POWERFUL!!!🙄). When it got to the sermon part of our service the pastor made us all bow our heads and close our eyes, then started questioning a gym full of 200-300 teenagers about our sexual history. “If you have ever kissed someone raise your hand, if you have touched some one or had someone touch you in a sexual way raise another hand.,.” And he just kept going until he asked if anyone had actually had sex to STAND UP. Of course this was SUPPOSED to be anonymous, bc you know all these teens are definitely not looking around covertly to see if their peers are standing. Wellllllll… the boy I was “dating” stood up and my best friend who was on the other side of me starts slapping my leg and making a huge deal about it. And I just start crying. I was so humiliated, and not bc of me or my actions but bc this boy has had SEX!! It was the biggest upset of my life so far. I was ashamed of being his girlfriend, assumed everyone would think it was me he had sex with, and ultimately it made me break up with him. Granted this was my first relationship and it was very much more of just a deep friendship with a member of the opposite sex, but it was a big deal in my eyes at the time. The whole experience was embarrassing to me and everyone else involved. It was disgusting that a grown man wanted to “out” all these kids as dirty sinners and tell them if they got saved then god would “make them whole again”. Even to the point where he made all the kids who stood up come down to the alter to talk with adults about their sexual transgressions and be granted their virginity back. The more I think about this as an adult the more disgusted I am.
Wow, that's real f*cked up. You shouldn't have had to go through that. :(
I CANNOT WAIT for the story about your parents and your honeymoon omg
Love the ending of the video 😌
Hearing about your dreams from that time is really cool & interesting, also your dog is very cute 😎
Wow, I just have to say that I am so glad that I found your channel. It's nice to listen to another ex-fundie who has had some of the same experiences as I had in my childhood right down to showing those cavies in 4H. Looking forward to more content. 😀
Eff purity culture. ❤️
Thank you, honestly. Hearing you talk about this all really is so healing. I left Christianity at 15 because it made me hate myself for all the things I was thinking and feeling (being bi is one of them). I didn’t even grow up fundie, but a lot of the hatful messages were just… there in the bible. And all around baked into most Christian cultures. Sometimes, I would literally get into fits of rage and cry about how much god must surely hate me. It took me a looong time to realise how fucked up that is. I‘m very glad that at least my mum has always been very open and never shamed us for anything. Probably because she found god in her 20‘s and wasn‘t traumatised that way as a child
"Then they showed up on my honeymoon" ELLY HOW COULD YOU LEAVE US HANGING LIKE THAT
You're amazing for sharing this!
I 100% agree with your views on sex education starting at an early age and progressing in an age-appropriate way (like using language they can easily conceptualize and is relevant to their experiences or upcoming ones)
I'm honestly shocked that your parents didnt go through your journal and punish you for your thoughts. My mom did that I never could really get back into journaling. I'm glad you at least had that outlet
I wrote in code, because my mom did, lol!
I always find it interesting to hear how different people experienced their parents enforcing a 'no dating until x age' rule- I've heard a few stories now like yours where it really puts strain and shame on a young teen starting to develop feelings, but I almost had the opposite experience- quite by accident, tbh
I'm a lesbian, and though I started realizing this around the time I turned 14 I didn't fully come to terms with the idea that I didn't want to date boys at all until I was about 16. I was also a really awkward kid who didn't know how to say 'no' and disappoint people. So, through middle school and early high school 'I'm not allowed to date until i'm 16' was a great excuse I could use to hide my disinterest in boys and really put a lot of weight off my shoulders to not immediately jump into heteronormative dating when people started showing interest in me and I hadn't figured myself out.
That all said, it was definitely coincidence that that's how the no dating until you're 16 rule worked out for me, and I definitely think parents should approach the complicated question of when your kid should start experimenting with romance with other people in a much more nuanced way. And probably teach them to be able to say no even when it hurts someone else's feelings... boy i still struggle with that.
This is why I'm so glad to have been raised Jewish, but also at an LGBT accepting synagogue. I was allowed to question my beliefs, and I was encouraged to to explore my faith in my own unique way. I'm also so greatful to my rabbi for never forcing anything on anyone. She made sure that the space felt safe for all. The guy handing out prayer books always made sure to remind me that he likes my singing 9I sometimes help lead a prayer) and he is just really nice. Also, my synagogue has pronoun stickers you can wear which are located on the tabke with the prayer books. Also, our rabbi and cantor are female.
Omg I've never related to anything more that these feelings you shared especially using a brief stint of "rebellion" in your testimony haha i felt like you were telling the story of my middle school years it was so uncanny. Love the videos!! I remember discovering the word "shit" in 5th grade and hearing a bunch of dirty jokes and I remember going home and my mom asking me if had been cussing again because I had admitted to her how I had been saying cuss words bc I literally felt so guilty 😂
I had to laugh at the "rebellious" year remark - my "rebellions" consisted of listening to "secular music"! Lol. It's amazing how much shame I felt for wanting something in common with my peers in public school.
However, I'm almost jealous of your overall story I learned about sex at age 4 from a neighbor kid my age.. it was not at all healthy and I'm almost certain she was abused coming out of a rather dysfunctional sometimes fundie home herself. 😞 Then my grandma had me watch weird videos around age 5 or 6 and said things that made me fearful of basically all adult men. Can't help but wonder if she was also abused as a child. But I guess I'm glad I was suspicious and aware instead of unaware and taken advantage of, if those are my only options. 😕
so sorry to hear about your experiences; thank you for your courage to share!
You’re doing a good thing here, young woman. 🙏🏻
What a cute pup. Thanks for the video. I would like to hear more about the enmeshment you were talking about.
LOVE your channel!
I found your channel recently. I hope you get more subscribers soon as your material is really good. I don’t have other social media outside YT and Tumblr but I will promote your channel!
You sound so grounded in these videos. How did you get to this point?
Also this video solidified for me that a lot of my hypersexuality and sexual shame were DIRECTLY tied to the religious messages I received about sex.
I don’t feel that guilt anymore and I am thankful for that.
Yikes, got a Pure Flix ad before this video 😵💫 Love THIS video, though 💕
My mum tried to give me "the talk" however I did not want to talk about it and would book it out of the room. I guess I was fortunate that I'm grey romantic and was far too irritated by ANY of my peers (and far too busy lusting after cartoon lions with dark and troubled pasts) to make any horrid mistakes.
I managed to learn the "fact of life" from a book about dogs.
hmmm
Omg! Not fundie.... but my mom would come "check on me" after she had gone out and I would wake up and she would give me the boyfriend talk, "and when you get one and want sex come tell me and I'll take you so you can be safe."
Okaaaay... six year old me didn't really have any idea what she was talking about other than I never wanted to do that!! 30 years later I realize I'm not only a lesbian but asexual. No wonder I couldn't handle those _talks_ .
Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve watched quite a few of your videos. I also came out of fundamentalism in a sense. My story is a bit different from yours, but aren’t they all? And I still feel so connected with you and these experiences. It helps me deconstruct and process some shit I’ve been through.
I’m also bisexual and see certain things now from my childhood that should’ve been signs had I not been so immersed. I remember getting my purity ring, and how big of a deal it was. Not gonna lie I did pick a pretty bad ass ring. 😂
But all this to say. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me want to write out my own. Maybe one day I will.
Much love❤️
This made my heart break a little for your young self. Also for myself as my whole childhood was tainted with rapture trauma. when I was 9 or 10 I was allowed to go with a friend's family to see Mary Poppins in a (big bad evil) movie theater. I couldn't enjoy the movie because I was so worried that the rapture would happen while I was in the theater and I would have missed it! I am still a Christian but do NOT believe in a rapture. It's encouraging to follow your healing journey and wish you the best.
I grew up in fundamentalism and purity culture as a “selfless” oldest sister too. Even though now I know I’m nonbinary and I’m happily married to my wife, I’m still trying to undo a lot of that damage. Thank you for making these videos. They’ve really helped me untangle some of that mess. Fuck purity culture!
This is so fascinating! Thank you for sharing this--it's really interesting to see how an intelligent, curious person wrestles with indoctrination in this world that seems so foreign to me.
I was raised fundamental Christian but I was only homeschooled until 2nd grade. My mother wasn’t as strict and we always went to the library. I found out by reading books at 7.5 and I wasn’t even the least bit surprised. Purity culture was definitely a thing at the Christian school I attended however. Navigating that as a lesbian was ………interesting to say the least.
My catholic grandmother used to say,” Sex is disgusting and awful. We have to do it to be mothers. Save it for someone you love.” 😳
My atheist grandmother was the best. After her death we got a letter from leader of a senior's group she was a member of. They were clearly trying to be euphemismistic about the "subjects" they talked about in the group because of my grandmother's contributions while still impressing on us how valuable it was. But of course we knew from conversations with her that the "subjects" were sexuality as you aged and the advantages to living alone.
Your brain was trying to save you from this life with those dreams. Looks like it worked. Thank you for sharing.
5:35 Funny you mentioned the word "missionary" on that one but go on. This video is awesome.
You know, it's funny. I'm a man, but a lot of this sounds so familiar to me. Even so far as when my ex-girlfriend showed more sexual desires (That's not why we broke up. It was complicated), I was caught off guard because I thought I was the only one who was supposed to have those feelings. Then I had a class in college where the professor said "It's okay to want to have sex with someone. It's NORMAL". When he said that, I had no idea what to think of it, but looking back, that was a major turning point in how I view women in general for the better.
I wouldn't even say my parents were the major reason I was like this, though they have gotten better about it since my childhood days. Looking back, it was definitely the extremely conservative church I grew up in. I'm still a Christian, but I am nowhere near as much of a "fundie" I used to be. It certainly makes sense why I felt so out of place there when I graduated from college (that was a Christian college, by the way)
"Ewww, gross!" 😆😆😆😆😆
Don't feel too bad, we all had that exact same reaction no matter when or how we learned about ~that~.
"Put what, where?!? But that's where I potty from!" 🤢🤮
That kept me from being interested in sex with others for ~years~! 😆😆
Great video!
Your dog is the cutest!
While many christians are quite prudish about sex, the Bible itself is quite open about it. I remember my shock reading about the various commands of God, and thinking: "God, is it really necessary to issue a command about not having sex with animals - I mean, who in their right mind would even think about it...?" Seems the human mind is a darker place than I thought. I can't remember when I found out about sex, but I know it was quite early, I read a lot.
Thank you so much for this channel and your work! This is such a healing space. And now I can't resist, I have to ask--do you remember what your first swear was? (Mine was "ass," which I had to gradually work my way up to starting with "butt" 🤣)
Ellie thanks for telling your memories and insights about all the weirdness of growing up and puberty when it happened I especially love the part about the guinea pigs mating I am old and grew up in earlier times but my mom wasn't into religion or Purity culture so she told me and my sister the truth that humans do that stuff too but of course being about 9 and 10 at the time we didn't believe her I just think Purity culture is so bad and puts young women in such an untenable place so I'm glad you survived it and are speaking out against it in such an eloquent way
I remember having my first "sexual" dream around the same age, about seeing a friend with his shirt off, and having the exact same emotional experience. Shame and disgust mixed with intrigue and longing. So much of my "sexual" desires turned out to be desire for physical affection, but all physical touch between peers was framed as sexual. At 30yo, I still struggle to ask for or show affection to my loved ones even though it's my top love language. 😓
I clicked and was not disappointed
Oh my gosh. We need that honeymoon story. 😳
8:53 "But I told Carly's mom that I was not ready to tell you yet". How selfish. Who care's whether or not _she's_ ready. It's about whether _you're_ ready. If you're old enough to ask the questions, you are old enough to get the answers.
Like it or not, kids start to get curious about sex very young. It is the parent's responsibility to guide their child through puberty and not hide them from the facts. When you have a kid, you sign up for these uncomfortable parenting conversations.
Though of course it all comes from the Christian teaching that sex is shameful. The parents are ashamed of it, so they want to hide their kids from it. When the kids do finally learn, they are ashamed, and they can't share any questions or concerns they have on the topic with their parents. The cycle of shame continues.
An excellent book to give your children is "It's Perfectly Normal" by Robie Harris. It's straightforward and unambiguous. And the illustrations are so cute ❤️
Be sure to get the newest printing, because it has updated chapters regarding gender, etc.
Hey ellie just found you're channel you seem like an interesting person you are pure and beautiful the way you are there would be a lot less trauma in the world without religion you are an awesome beautiful person ellie love you the way you are
Thank you to you and your very good doggo ♡♡
My parents were a lot more open about talking about these things, but the people I was raised around and my parents praised as being such great Christians were a lot like your mom. People in the family were very Puritan and as a kid I had the same disgust for anything remotely related to intimacy or reproduction like it sounds like you had from your story about learning about s*x/the pregnant family member, as well as the strange feeling of horror about the existence of people not as extreme as the most extreme people I was around, the "they are the evil world, a dark force doing unimaginable horrid things" . Perhaps the constant state of anxiety, dread and guilt was an idea that I wasn't good enough or I would have converted them just by being around them or something, it's all so weird.... I got flashbacks to that feeling also when you said how the other mom said "are you sure humans don't?" in front of your fundie mom; there's a "black sheep" family in our family who is queer, they are wonderful people all the way around and the only functional family I have seen in my life, the other mom's chill moment of trying to make an indoctrinated child think for a moment to the horror and anger of an outraged fundie cult member reminded me so much of how the whole family treated the queer couple. In the past few years I've been able to be less sheltered thanks to the internet and I was able to find the words for what I had been feeling my whole life (that I'm LGBT) and that forced me to "question everything" since now ONE thing I had been told was a for-sure, I knew was entirely wrong. I never believed in the exact things I had been taught and never found a "place" in the community if you want to call it that, my interests were basically the exact opposite of the Hobby Lobby all-American fundie farm vibe, so instead of feeling like I was "leaving my community" like some people coming out of the cult feel, my only negative emotion was a deep unexplainable existential guilt. Guilt around everything really-- having fun, the human body and of course sexuality, strangely enough mostly around others finding me attractive which right now is manifesting as "if I work out a girl might think I'm hot and that would be a sin" which was never directly taught but it's all part of that culture I was raised in. Like you talked about soccer being a sort of escape where you could express your natural humanity in some way at least, my escape was art, I was very fortunate to have books of European sculptures and Italian late medieval art that showed the human body in its natural state, portrayed as artistic and natural, without any of the sexuality I was taught was inherent to the human body, it helped me see the body as natural and not as a sinful object. I haven't even finished the video yet, sorry for how long this is but I love your channel, the videos are really helping me deconstruct the deep guilt that I live with constantly, this video in particular about sexuality I knew would trigger the guilt but when it is triggered I am able to confront and work through it. Honestly I don't know how this American religious extremism isn't considered child abuse, it is so completely destructive to natural development and permanently damages and unnaturally rewires the mind, not to mention the physical and verbal abuse that runs rampant in these communities.
same, girl, same! love what u do✌🏽
I can relate. But somehow I knew to never bring anything up with my mom. I just gradually gathered info in my own head. And then I went to nursing school. I still don't talk about any of that ever with my mom because anything she would say would be about my dad and anything I say would be about my husband, and that's not for anyone to share or know about. Thank goodness I have a wonderful and understanding husband who was raised similarly and totally understood. We educated ourselves together...25 years and still going.
I am so effing glad today to be asexual
P.S. Your pup is adorable. Need more puppy clips, for sure!