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How Narcissists Rationalize Power Grabs And Image Control
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
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That rigid stare in our conversations and no positive feedback ever coming from them.
Yes, they always do this, whenever I have an opinion there's always an immediate opposition and it's usually pointless. They're always trying to find any faults in your opinions in order to exploit you to make you look stupid in front of others in order to themselves look better than you. Most of their opinions make no sense at all, but If you dare to do the same that they do they lose it.
I can identify with that.
The rigid stare would only disappear when I was telling her about some unfortunate incident that happened- then shed light up like a Christmas tree with glee at our misfortune. But if it was positive or even just neutral conversation- that rigid stare would bore right through me. My son didn't understand it and he would come over and put his arm around me, which was very unusual for him!
@@cbholmes4739 I can relate to that, but in my instance I’m not sure if it was NPD or just regular meanness.
That is exactly my experience.
...it must be that we are both "janet".😉
They despise individual differences. Monsters, dead souls.
So sorry for those of us who endure this. In my case they are people, people with monstrous habits. They have not yet been fully engulfed by toxic habits. I can still see moments where they pause and consider. Just beginning to see it after a few years of observing these patterns from this perspective. Many thanks to Dr C for sharing your lense.
Shell of a human I say....🙄😒🤦🏻♀️
They have no regard for anything outside of maintaining the carefully constructed image they have invented to survive in the world. They are deeply wounded creatures - who must feel superior to function. This means they are capable of the most horrendous violations and devaluations of and toward everyone around them. Having been around them all my life, I finally learned after having to manage a few in the work place - that the only way to handle them is to provide no entry point for them. Do not engage.
Exactly right
Colleen Shea, This is exactly correct sister!
Violations and devaluations - sums it up perfectly.
And always be factual. Do not rely on them and what they tell you. Check everything yourself.
@@annehynynen8153 , Yes indeed!
Good advise.Thank you Anne!
I love it when you say team healthy, after being called your whole life feeling like your the crazy one,because thats what they've pounded that falsehood into your brain when thats not the truth thats Doc
Right..we're crazy for not wanting to be used and treated with respect.
may be we are related- just nuts 99% of my Family of Origin ugly selfish bully!!
When narcissist interact with you, the silence language is always put you down in a miserable position, “stupid, not smart and good as I am” narcissist does not say it, but you can feel it through their way talking......
Yea the silent abuse so very hard to explain and it is so destructive. Take care ! 💕
@@storytimewithjass6018 I wish everybody could laugh at that silence and walk away. It took me some years to grow stronger, and if somebody treats me that way, I just ignore them, doesn't affect me at all. It's their loss, and I don't waste my time for the vampires.
@@user-sc5yo4bo2j the last time he gave me the silent treatment I thought ok, let's make it permanent. Happy days.
@@pianolearner7 good job!
Yup ,, that’s my ex narc
It always astounds me to see the total inability they have to understand how they affect others, and to give a flip. It's like, "I am who I am (wonderful), and you just have to deal with it." Letting relationships deteriorate is the saddest part. Especially when they are in your family. Even when you point out that they are destroying the relationship it makes no difference to them. They think they are indispensable to everyone, and if you don't recognize that, then that is your loss. I seem to have several of them in my family and acquaintances. Unfortunately, all my efforts have been for nothing, all the pleading, the appeals, the niceness have been thrown on the trash heap. Then they don't understand why you go away. One of them expects me to come crawling back, in major recognition of my folly of leaving. Where did all the narcissists come from???
They can't be cured, and you can't win with them. Because they are unable to admit their mistakes or weaknesses. That's why if you don't leave, you may be stuck in these toxic relations for years. We often don't leave out of guilt or for other reasons, and this way we often end up emotionally drained or in a therapy.
Look at the parents...
Yes i have some in my family also... it sucks soo bad to want a good family and they only want to tear it down and even worse they don't seem to give a s..t either way because they are the most important person and my flaw is not realizing their greatness
Sadly paranoia is running the show. It starts in the formative years. They learned at an early age that showing vulnerabillity, being honest about who they really are is not safe.And because they've behaved this way for a good part of their lives, it's very hard if not impossible to get them to break out of it.
I'm sorry, but I hope they got to hell. They insist "that's just how I am" and it's no big deal and YOU are evil for not accepting it. They think they live such moral lives while using every word and action to belittle others. They love to erase and minimize their own abuse.
I'm religious do I just have to believe there is some justice at the end.
"They have some dumb ideas about who knows what" sums up a day in the life of a narc perfectly.
Injecting ourselves with disinfectant maybe? :)
These videos help in relieving the guilt one feels when you move away. You do not want to be dismissive but you must leave for your own self preservation. I take comfort in knowing that being in " team healthy" with so many other basically healthy folks, helps with the guilt.
Exactly what I'm feeling. Just watching this video makes me feel ok with my decisions.
Me too🙏🏼💕- thank you Dr. Carter!
After a lot of emotional grinding that my narc mother put me and my brother through, we teamed up and shunned her. Currently decided to go no contact with her.
Totally understand this!
You have every right to cut off a family member who mistreats you regularly. It doesn't matter if they've done "nice" things for you, too. If someone's bad for your mental health, you have a right get away from them.
Yes!! I went through a period of time where I simply limited my contact with my mother. Whenever we did communicate, it was always an argument about why there was tension between us. When I tried to explain how her behavior made me feel, she would insist she was entitled to that behavior and that, essentially, I was not allowed to feel that way as a result. It was the same fight over and over until I finally just went no-contact. I still get letters from her saying "I just want to know what went wrong and why you won't talk to me!" But I know what she really means is, "I want another opportunity to tell you that my behavior is ok."
Sounds like my husband.
The collective narcissism we’re experiencing within society right now is highly disturbing. I believe Dr. C’s approach might just be the only remedy. As we recognize the futility of persuading people who refuse to recognize their’s and other’s bias and narcissism, and instead, focus our awareness inwardly, we’ll individually experience more peace - which will then radiate out to the collective.
This may be a slow and painful process for the world as a whole, but it really might be the only way. We’ve all heard the wise adage to “know thyself.” Well, there’s no better time than now to supercharge that process! Let’s just hope we don’t need a complete societal collapse (the likes of which lead many of us to this channel) brought on by a collective narcissism, to realize this truth.
@Gordon Fornow Yes. I completely agree. I find the better I am at staying grounded in “myself,” the better I’m able to stay present when interacting with difficult people, and thus respond from the wiser part of me. I have yet to convince anyone of anything in the political realm, but I will say, I’ve had a number of people change the tone of their otherwise hostile communication. It’s hard to be an ass - even for a narcissist - when they’re being shown respect for simply being human.
I've dealt with narcissistic abuse my entire life... the biggest problem with this, I see, is it's continual. And I understand you help shine a light on narcissistic behaviour, but recognizing the problem is just the first step and we have to be very careful. Remember.. you are responsible for your own life. You are responsible for your mindfulness and how you can transform the pain into something very useful. To reclaim a sense of self and purpose again, and to find a deeper meaning and to find a better way of living. To minimize as much suffering as possible so we don't neglect the true beauty of the world and the capacity of ourselves to remain caring, peaceful, and compassionate people. I understand the validation of being heard/understood is empowering, but we must find a way to break the chain entirely. Everything is impermament, including our thoughts and our perceptions, and this is a major key in finding a better path forward. Sometimes being mindful and having a change in perspective is what we really need. If you keep ruminating on how evil and bad someone else is (which can be completely valid) you're still ruminating in anger, and they still have control over you. I personally found freedom through Buddhism. They're just such beautiful lessons, and everything resonates as 'true'. I believe it's the right way to think. I'm not better or smarter than any of you, but each day I really try to be more aware of my words/actions, and I don't succeed all of the time. But you can really break this spell and not constantly ruminate in anger- because you're burning yourself and forgetting how much good is truly in your life. We need to remain mindful and follow the eightfold-path. I truly hope you all find peace, and it's going to take some effort, but there's a way to break the spell. Absolutely everything is in your power and in your control. Let's enjoy our day.
I hope you all have a really nice holiday season with your friends and family the best you can this year.
Yes I hear ya. I have a deep trust in GOD ALMIGHTY and I was always ruminating in my head while I was at work and just all the time really. Well a preacher on the radio was saying that whatever fills most of your thoughts is what you worship. Well that was an awakening!!! JESUS CHRIST says to renew your mind and so I started taking control of my thoughts. So dealing with my narc 40 years has had some flip flops on my part. I just never knew it was narcissism that I was dealing with. I thought it was insanity or meanness
My whole family. Including me. But I admit it and and am working on me. Any attempt to question a family member's beliefs is met with anger and hate.
Same here, myself included. Dr C and Dr Ramani have helped me to identify harmful patterns in my environment. Then I began to see the patterns in my own behavior... Much to my surprise and dismay. Continued to observe for quite some time before I could actually believe that I also behaved this way. Now I'm fairly content with the struggle to do better.
Useful advice in this video - don't feel you have to go into a deep defence of your position.
Hey Leigh, I have both, a Covert/Malignant mother & boss. They bait you to go into hyper defense & justification because to them & others, you come across as the crazy one. It's a diversion to redirect their bad behavior upon you. So now, you're left spinning your wheels in the mud...trying to defend your character while they get away w/ their dirty deeds. That's why it's so important to remain calm & stoic & don't give them the satisfaction.
I did it for decades.
@@t.l.7733 Yes, I realized that when I had a narcissist boss. One of the reasons he liked to pick on me most was because I'm an expressive person and he enjoyed seeing how he affected me. So I stopped showing emotion.
A lot of victims of narc abuse discover this on their own---It's called the grey rock method.
Best if you can just get away from these people all together, though. They'll harm you in ways you're not even aware of sometimes--trashing you behind your back, getting you fired, etc.
@@jezra4427 I tried the gray rock approach w/my narc boss & would infuriate him. He would do whatever it takes to make my time there as miserable as possible..deploying his flying monkeys on me, bogus write ups, bogus performance programs, sabotaging accounts, smear campaigns (calling my family...telling them I threatened to kill myself), not approving time off for doc. appts., never approving vacation time off. He screwed over 100 employees & 1 suicide (wouldn't allow us to attend funeral).
“as long as you live in my house you will live by my rules” step dad constantly forced unreasonable rules on me and doesn’t let me live my life I made the decision to not stay in and left to go skate with my friend last night. Freedom feels good
👍Good for you. 👌From this early age👏🙏❤
Feel good that you had the courage when you’re still young I did it today at 33!! Stay strong and don’t let anyone disappoint you twice!
Takecare and stay safe.💖
@Steven P I’m 17 now I think it’s about time I grab hold of my life I get being respectful and reasonable but I have to have my best interest in myself to have a good life thanks for the ❤️ y’all all just remind me how wrong i’ve been living and how I must change it
@@Blackbird-mf6rw it's great that you are in time and have access nowadays to all information..👏
As soon my covert narcissist ex partner tried to overpower me, tried to take constantly charge of my life I ended the relationship with my covert narcissist ex partner.
I was fed up with her (mind) games and when I can't be me or I am not allowed to be me then I say good bye and leave.
Narcissists want to be in charge because they are too afraid that others finger them out someday.
Famous sentence starter of the rationalizing narcissist: “I did that because...”
There’s always a “good” reason for the bad things they say and do. And they can rationalize twenty different ways in any one given situation, which in reality their rationalizing is basically arguing. Then when told they’re arguing, they rationalize and say, “I’m just having a conversation with you.” THEN they’ll go for days not speaking to you and rationalize by saying, “Well, i haven’t called because i didn’t want to start an argument.” Wait! What? I thought you said you weren’t arguing?! So to the naked eye, it sounds noble of them to say “i don’t want to argue” and everyone around them thinks, “aww what a nice person not to want to argue.” When in reality, it’s the only way they know how to “just have a conversation.”
Not my kind of conversation.
My EXTREMELY PATHOLOGICALLY NARCISSISTIC ex wife justified her two affairs (well, the two that I actually knew about) by telling me that they were my fault for one or more reasons.
That's a classic example, unfortunately. Dr. C
Best wishes for your continued healing.
I can’t tell you the number of times I was caught in the “cycle of rationalizations.” I felt like I was the crazy one, and my ideas and my own being was just not good enough. He was the pursuer and I was th person who eventually disengaged and became very unhappy and never wanted to be alone and in the same room as him due to his lack of insight and blaming attitude would come out full force. I felt like he was the judge and jury and I was the plebe on the stand - not to mention his rock solid memory of dates and situations that I had to work hard to remember because I thought those issues were long gone and dead! I’ve learned there are never dead issues when dealing with a narcissist. My own psychologist called it a “mind - fuck” and she was spot on! Almost free and having to just give up and give in or I’ll be caught in this cycle for another year if I don’t save myself! Thank you Dr. C for your clarity, explanations and helping me feel sane again!
I am packing my bags too!!! Good luck and blessings to us all ❤️
It’s a difficult step, and one that takes courage - you got this! Keep watching Dr. C. And Dr. Ramani, they are both spot on and have helped me immensely in this journey of figuring out narcissism. It is cunning and baffling. Good luck to you too!
Each time I listen to one of your videos describing the traits of a person with narcissism, I recognize them in my mother. Well into the final chapter of her life, outsiders see her differently. Strokes have changed her manipulations. Now she appears more cooperative but never, ever, is anything her fault. Blame is assigned to others OR if that's not possible her response is "whatever!" The hardest part is that outsiders never get how awful it is to be raised by a narcissist. It's a lifetime of invalidation, manipulation, accusation, & discarding.
It hurts that your own mom will not validate you. I was told I’ve had to think and think on this for a long time but I think I finally figured out what’s wrong with you
Can you not leave and go no contact. Wish I had with mine years ago. She ruined my life. Too late now she's gone.
When people come along and suddenly want what you have.. You work to make something
work successfully, and all the sudden, these guys come along and try to infringe on your work,
kick you aside, and ruin your good idea. Many have lost on their good ideas because they allowed
some slimy shark to support the project. As soon as they want a piece of the action.... It's ruined.
Anyone ever had a narc try to manage your image as an extension of theirs? I gotta make a video on that!
Yep especially when they insist you need to go socialize with the new group of friends of theirs that you just met who are usually the same low level people as them
Brilliant idea! I'll definitely be watching that
They push you to do things you don't want to do. Mine wanted to destroy my life by covertly trying to change me into something I'm totally against. It's sick! It's like who they constantly despise (successful people with strong minds) and who they "sympathize" (lost, controllable people with many problems). You feel that they want to convey to you : "You should be like this! Who do you think you are?!" He tried to get me do things that are totally suicidal so that he could get me playing some dark games that he was yearning for.. I never compromised my values and I am so happy about that. Now, I'm free from his nonsense.
Part of that was that he wanted to kill my public image and my social persona. He wanted to destroy me both socially and psychologically. He loathes and deeply hates intelligent women. Probably because we could see through him.
Absolutely! Staying trim, dressing well, everything had to fit the “elite” image. Anything relaxed, natural and human was rejected.
I only heard my narcissistic ex husband admit once that he had goofed up.... but the admission was only because the mistake cost a number of people scholarships and money for college and there was no way he could blame anyone else (he was a high school counselor at the time)
Also yeah I’m prone to emotional melt downs and rebellion.. the thing is I’m a strong personality myself.. so when I come into contact with somebody like that it’s like to rams going at it full force.. I have tendency to be stubborn and set in my ways.. but I fully realize that and I’m aware.. it’s like they aren’t at all.. and they definitely do not get when I need a serious break..
I was horrified to learn this weekend my narcissist EX-boss handed my phone number to two other entities without asking my permission first, and then requested my personal email to pass on too! Apparently he has already planned out what my next job will be FOR ME WITHOUT EVEN ASKING....They have no sense of boundaries or propriety, and they truly, TRULY can't grasp they don't 'own' other people. He hasn't been my boss in months but is still making plans for me and demands of me as if I were his personal property. I blocked him, and didn't give him any further information.
This is very helpful. My family has been burdened with such tendencies for decades...Behavioral habits that do not yield desirable outcomes. I've now seen 2 full power grabs that were breathtaking in their scope, one was money, one was land. The rationale seems to be, "If I can get away with it it must be okay."
They also put words in your mouth, using your own words, but turning them upside down, exaggerating them, to let you look like an idiot. They will miss no opportunity to ridicule and to humiliate you so they look superior and/or don't have to take any responsibility, because it's all your fault.
Maybe you just need to grow a spine and learn to stand up for yourself?
My mom would say she will never apologize to any of her children.... so sad.
my ex wife does the same. I make it a point to make sure i apologize to my kids when i am wrong. The know that they dad does make mistake and he tries to make up for it. Also, more so than that, i want to model the behavior i want my kids to have.
I'd like to make my own decisions.
"Yes, but your decisions affect other people!"
My response to that would be: "Ok." Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you.
"Because I can."
Exactly!
Yep!
"Because it works."
You have given me so much info and strength. My ordeal is almost over and I'm so grateful for your videos. Thank you so much. Where's Gus?
I've been wondering the same thing. I hope he's ok 😔
Gus is fine. He's been staying home more with Mom. He'll be back around! Dr. C
Hooray! I find these videos so healing.
Definitely for sure Mr C. “you started all this.” Is said to me.
The way you speak Dr C...if the narcissist in my recent life spoke like you...I would pass out and have a heart attack. He has the worst frame of mind .... never light hearted. So sad. I spent so many years and tears.
I have a saying that goes like this… Live all for the glory of God however the twisted narcissist has a saying as well and it goes like this… Live all for the glory of the narcissist…… To be honest with you I have absolutely no care or interest in the smear campaign and the lies and the twisted narrative of the narcissist as I am moving forward in my life walking my truth and my destiny with my heavenly father and enjoying my life free of toxicity free of bondage free of baggage..... and I wish all of you love and prayers always!!!🤗🙏💕🌸
Yes, let's keep up our pace without tripping over the heals of others that devise their narcissistic plots like a buried pot of gold.
Looking out for those whom might seem bare of God's grace for eternity 🙏and with them notion...replace a dear question in their mind, wholesome and forfilling essentially of love and it's bounties.
Narcissism Expose
@@bertzerker747 , Amen Brother
Angela Nicoletti thank you Angela and I wish you an amazing holiday season ahead filled with hope, joy, peace, and the wisdom and understanding that guides you by way of our Heavenly Father !!! 🤗🙏💕🌺
@@NarcissismExposed , That was very kind. I thank you Sister. Peace and love to you Dear!
This sounds like the church I just came out of...unfortunately. It's horribly toxic in a church and I'm still shedding the effects of it.
I just had a very similar experience. The only thing worse than a narc is a religious narc
..and worse than that is a whole church of them and their enablers
My husband used to actually tell me that he was "going into shut down mode". 🙄
At least he warned you instead of it coming out of left field all the time
That’s priceless. He didn’t feel the need to challenge you? You won that battle then.
He had no more bullets in his gun. Good for you.
I just got out of such a relationship. Aside from them not wanting to take responsibility, they also have other abettors who they regard as "role models" to rationalize their behavior for them. The worst was "my getting hit was for a 'reason'" which is BS - no one deserves to be treated like that. Turns out these people also treat their partners the same way. And their commitment to rationalization also hinders anyone including counselors from helping them.
My narc father's image is our CEO, the Chairman, our boss. He has meetings with us kids. He has to be the first stop in any advice or life planning situations. He resorts to silent treatment, shaming and manipulations to get his way. Fear is respect. Love/acceptance is conditional on us towing his line, his opinions are fact, Control is harmony.
Thank you for your clarity! It is so fascinating but not in a good way. My parent with strong narcissistic tendencies, clings to this orchestration of being poor. It is a gross parody... this way they can sit in their superiority and victimhood simultaneously! Just listing to them on the phone makes me need to go to the chiropractor with all the twist and turns. They don't run from conflict, they create it for the ego hits of power!
All politicians, dictators, bosses(not leaders), and bullies.
Not all politicians. There are some good ones. But a lot of them.
my father is narcissist.. The emotional abuse is terrible ...I doesn't want to see him and praying to grow up fast to get out of this.. I never had a father, thx God I could live with my grandma and uncle.. And I know what is love, otherwise maybe I was a narcisst right now
Man it really kind of alters you to grow up around narcissists even if you personally are not one. I have this strange phenomenon in my life where I sometimes come across people that are normal and the difference is like night and day it’s often like a breath of fresh air to have a conversation with a non narcissist
My narcissist ex husband got mad at me because I made no excuses to my friends about how I got the bruise he left on me. He expected me to lie and I refused. He threw me out of the house, gave me 30 days to find a new place to live, and then got mad when I found a place and was gone in a week. He had been planning on living off my extra income during the 30 days and I took that away when I left early...
Thank you for showing this. I subbed recently because the signs are everywhere when you know how to look, including inside myself.
Glad you're on board! Dr. C
@@maggiemae9099 Thank you, I will look for it on the channel.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr.. I look forward to watching more of your content and to learn from it a whole lot!
What really is stunning is their complete disregard for the damage they do. Emotional atrocities.
Sounds like my brother...who married a grandiose narc 😞 thanks to her, his worst traits have taken over.
Do not engage with them on any level - that is the best strategy. Thank you dr Carter.
Dr. Charter , you seem to be able to describe my father well and it is not possible , that you have met him. Amazing!
Ha ha. He pinned a couple of people I know PERFECTLY too. He speaks to the heart.
Yes, they don't give a flip about their own siblings and their struggles. I gave up organizing their family Christmas with my narc spouse: Always sabotaged
I understand the title of your Channel is Surviving Narcissism. And it has tons of much needed information. I also see a big need for info on living with people of a personality disorder. There are a lot of care takers living in a silent Hell not knowing the next step to take in the next 5 seconds
Important awareness to deal with current world situation, politicians, officials, and the wannabe dictators we encounter. Those they abuse who do not have the awareness about narcissists this video helps with seem currently to be acting a bit cultish. Let us be alert to narcissistic personalities’ insatiable desire for control, now using the current situation they’ve created to impose their useless and ineffective measures and power seeking policies. Let us be people of peace.
They love word salad 🥗 and always, have to justify and rationalise. Looking for advantage. I can spot them a mile away. Pathetic people.
My brother in law gave a word salad to a cop who asked a yes no question. Eventually we were able to figure out he meant no. I was there to translate for my sister who only speaks Spanish and wanted to make a police report.
@@eunicejazz98 they like to waste peoples time. They think we have there time... 😅
Team healthy is a nice place to be.
Curiosity is such a wonderful childlike quality. A catalyst for engagement and growth:)
Amen to that!
I was married to a narcissist for 18 years. I would love you to do a segment on a narcissistic relationship which involves emotional, mental a physical abuse. I really have enjoyed watching all your videos!
Your courses should be rolled out for all senior school students ... I wish I knew all the signs of this personality type at that age, it would have saved me 30 years of never feeling good enough ✨🦋🙏🇦🇺
Thank you Dr C. I learn something important every time I listen to one of your videos. " be a person of peace" . 😊TY
I love the reiterated wish at the end - "Be a person of peace." Yes I want to be that, Dr. C., and you are instrumental in my getting to that place.
Very true about both sides of my family. Cannot get word in any conversation. Religion based behavior, like everything from advice and communication conform to their deficiencies.
I continue to look for honest advice and feedback from other’s who have experienced something similar. Long story short, for almost 18 years, I have been married to someone who has narcissistic traits. Our marriage has been struggling for a few years now; about 2 months ago we attended our 19th marriage counseling session together. At that session I told my wife that somehow our marriage needs to drastically get better quickly, or I feel we need pull the plug and end our marriage since we have been going to marriage counseling for far longer than we probably should have been going; and not much, if anything, improved. Part of me was hopeful that this was going to be the warning shot and my wife would finally hear me; that she would finally understand that I am done with the narcissistic type of behavior, done with the mean comments, the high level of control, and being made out to feel like I am never doing the right thing, never doing it quickly enough, etc. Unfortunately, the few weeks after that counselling sessions things did not improve, they actually seemed worse. For example, one morning I started her car so it was warm for her when she left for work (which I do for her quite often). I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back, but she very rudely said “oh, thank you so much for everything you do”. One day I went and bought a snow shovel and salted and cleaned the ice from the sidewalk. Instead of getting any type of thanks or appreciation, she told me that it is so interesting that I had time to go to Dollar General (which is about 3 miles from our house) and buy a new shovel and salt. I got criticized for doing laundry and putting in on ‘her side’ of the bed and not having it moved off of the bed so she could lay down at night without having to touch laundry. I got criticized for having the space heater on in the living room. I got criticized for eating all the lasagna; when in fact I put it in a Tupperware container so she could take it in her lunch. I got questioned on going for a walk along the river. It was just relentless verbal attacks. By no means am I a perfect husband, I am far from it, and I have made plenty of mistakes, but I have always tried to be loving and supportive and take care of her and our kids. I have dealt with this type of narcissistic behavior for a very long time. Just another example, I recently learned why I was in severe pain for a couple of days this past summer; I was passing a 6mm kidney stone. While I was in pain, I got in a hot bath to try and alleviate some of the pain. I recall vividly her making a mean comment that I was in the bath while she was doing something for the kids. I have agonized over the decision for many months, and probably years now, but about 5 weeks ago I asked for divorce and have been moved out since that time. She said it wasn’t fair and that I blindsided her, even though we have attended those 19 marriage counseling sessions together; I reluctantly agreed to separation for now. For the last five weeks, I have been buried in loving texts, pictures of our kids and of some fun memories in the past, she sent me the wedding song that we danced too, she has been sending me quotes from the bible, she asked that I listen to various books on making marriages work, etc; she asked that I meet with our Deacon at church and attend a church marriage weekend retreat. She has buried me in a variety of ‘tactics’ to try and get me back home; she has thrown our vows in my face multiple times and said that I am destroying the kids by moving out. I have been holding strong and have not caved by moving back in; recently she has been all over the board with her comments and emotions. Seems silly talking about, but we own a car and a truck. For the last 5 weeks I have drove the truck and she has had the car. A couple of days ago she said she wants the truck, which is no problem, but I asked her why; she said she doesn’t need to answer why, she just wants it. She said she plans on keeping the truck for a few weeks since its not fair that I got to drive it for a few weeks (I don’t know the intentions of this, other than some form of power play, or maybe knowing if she has the truck, I won’t be able to use it to do things I enjoy). She also seems to be getting controlling with the kids; she told me that I am the one who decided to leave them, so its not fair for me to ever get both of our kids overnight while she is alone, since she didn’t decide to leave. I reminded her that I didn’t leave the kids, that I only left her. Shortly after making these types of comments, she follows up with a load of very nice loving texts. This is all extremely hard for me, because she occasionally acts nice and says she is willing to try and change, but seems all over the place with her comments and emotions; I’m afraid I will fall back into the trap. Here recently she has been very frequently saying “I Love You”; almost over using the words. She has made multiple attempts to try and be affectionate, which in a normal circumstance would be fine, but not after we are separated. I worry greatly about our kids, I feel she is subjecting them to a ton of sadness and possibly emotional manipulation, with the intentions being of playing the victim card in front of the kids and trying to make them feel bad for her and make me out to look like the bad guy (she told me she is always crying in front of the kids…and even yesterday when I saw her she cried multiple times in front of the kids). Even though I asked for divorce, I still do not wish her unhappiness; I just want everyone to get along and be nice and supportive with everyone. To make matters even more frustrating, recently she told me she was offered a job in Michigan (about 5 hours from where we currently live in Ohio). I am settled here in Ohio now, have a good job here, etc. I am happy for her that she was offered the job, I know that is more what she wants to do versus her current job, so that part makes me happy; but come on, wanting to relocate now while we are separated. I feel like she is doing everything she can to try and make things difficult for me, especially with our 2 kids. It’s just very inconsistent, it can change by the day, or even by the hour; sometimes she is sweet and nice, then there are plenty of moments of comments and actions that just aren’t nice. Random place to insert this comment….but I just thought it was odd; she claims to want the marriage to work, but considering uprooting to Michigan. I manage all of our finances, a few days ago she said she wants all of our bank account log in information. Which is fine, no problem, it is both of our money; I just thought it was a little odd. Not sure the intentions behind it. Maybe just wanting to see how much is there, if I have been taking any, what I have spent money on; who knows?! I’m struggling on the path forward, so any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
You are spot on & have described the narc in my life, as sad as it us true , thank you , i am gaining self strength through these type of videos.
That's what I need to remember when my narcissistic bf goes into his "I'm always right, everything I do is right, so how can you possibly be right" mode. I HAVE GOT to remember "team healthy". Basically I have to let him know that when he crosses my boundaries to what I will and will not deal with, that I will let him know why I'm not talking to him, and will not lower myself to his sick standards. It's very hard, as the Covid is making people, myself included, crazy, and its Christmas time, a time in which he always gets more perverse. This is a mystery I will never solve, so I have to try and enjoy Christmas by myself. I have no family, so it's up to ME to please ME. It is hard, but must be done or I will lose myself in his ridiculous world. Can't happen. And when I backslide, and give in, I will remember it and act accordingly next time. Good luck to us all, and God bless us....
I truly hope you create a Merry little (or big!😊) Christmas for your valuable Self. 🎄💕🎄
@@daisyq3418 Thank you Daisy Q! Merry Christmas to you as well! May it be as bright as the Christmas Star! God Bless you!🎄🥂🎁
My narc used Sundays (the Lord’s day), holidays, and birthdays to get uglier. Basically, if the focus was supposed to be on God or anyone else, he would make life miserable trying to gain focus on himself. It was maddening and exhausting all at once. Honey, it doesn’t get better. Only God can change the narcissist. When I started enforcing boundaries and holding him responsible for his behavior, things escalated. I left.
All the videos make me feel like Dr Carter has been in my life! 🙄🥲 The information is so accurate.
Every word makes perfect sense to my own experience...took a few years to recover...I still am, but much more aware now...thanks again Sir, take care from allan 😊👍
Early in .y relationship with ny former partner, i learned that my best approach was to listen to his views, agree with what i could, and keep my differing opinions to myself. I didn't always follow that formula, and it's not a healthy way to deal with the world in general, but I came through those 5 years (give or take) a better person than I started. It may be a selfish approach, though forcing my mind to open up is not as selfish as the narcissistic approach.
This is my husband to the last detail - we are separated 11 months for abuse he’s so disturbing
You deserve Better.
Stay Strong. 💕
Angela, Daisy is right. No one should have to endure abuse, no one. Dr. C
Please Darl’n stay away from him. My divorce is almost final... I wish so much I would have done this years ago! Life is so much better! I’m not eating nerve pills all the time!
Focusing attention on narcissists only feeds their ego. What about paying attention to their victims?
@@maggiemae9099 Maybe he is. I am no one to judge. But he is also paying narcissists a whole lot of attention, which is precisely what motivates them to continue. I have first hand experience. I may not have a degree in psychology but I know what I'm talking about.
@@maggiemae9099 Narcissists thrive off of feeling as though their prey consider themselves to be victims. Again, the only way to survive a narcissist is to cut them completely off. It sounds overly simplistic, however, it is the only way to put an end to their plans. They will move on to others who are unsuspecting and the cycle repeats itself. But. that's their problem.
@@maggiemae9099 Narcissists demand allegiance by surrounding themselves with notable members of society and the business world. Most people can be easily fooled into thinking they were normal upon meeting them casually. However, the narcissist brain is engaged elsewhere making secret plans on how to take advantage of people often by using love. Their motive is very clear which is to be considered the dominant person in every setting. Sadly, narcissists seems to achieve their goals because of their strong societal connections.
Honestly, I have better things to do with my time. This behavior gives me a headache which is why I strongly recommend cutting off narcissists and never thinking about them again. However, there is a president now who clearly suffers from undiagnosed malignant narcissism and it is right in everyone's face, including those who thought they put it away years ago.
Ugh.
My narcissist would do all those things when I was in the relationship and it would drive me crazy thank you for sharing this because it really helps me a lot
as a support dog, I think that Gus should wear a mask to support all of us out here wearing masks
I'll have to discuss that with him. Dr. C
Wow, just wow. 30 seconds in and the description is spot-on. All about the image...all about it.
If it’s not about power it’s certainly not about you.
They have but one regard for their own persisted personal agenda.
The wind surely doesn’t blow in your sail, to get anything going at all.
High on disagreement, even when you cannot put your finger clearly on it this is their go to.
Rewriting details of past events so they come out the victim. Someone kicked a family member in public and humiliated all of us. They wiped their memory totally clean. This was an adult not a child.
Arguments. Big red flags. May peace call me to peace and boundaries. The illogical astounds.
Dr C. your videos are instrumental in one's shift from image-drivenness to purpose-drivenness. And that is a healthy change. Thank you.
I'm going to stay on TEAM HEALTHY!!! 🙋🏾♀️
I'm gonna stay over here on "team Healthy'! Praise the Lord, amen
As we have moved to a new office which is way overdone, my narcissist boss is strutting around like a peacock showing off what I call his "ego trophy." Folks, if your boss starts talking about "I know what is best for you, I'm looking out for you and your best interests." Run. Don't walk. I hopefully will be doing that very thing today.
Mission impossible!! That's what a relationship with a narc is.
You hit it on the nail with this one. I tried and tried to help someone like this to no avail. The only thing that happens is that your peace of mind and your life gets ruined in the process. You finally have to walk away. Not easy but necessary.
All of these were what first clued me in that my Sister Dearest was a deeply toxic person, and not just neurotic. And the topic that made me look was homophobia. Granted, she has "grown" over the years, if change from outright homophobic bs to "I'm not homophobic but if gays and lesbians stayed in the closet no one would hurt them" spiel counts as "growth".
Oh Dr C, you are such a gem. The timing of your video is perfect. Just received a rant over a very minor issue and the pressure now is to agree they're 'right and fully justified' in their abusive response.....rationalisation! Perfect.....and I'm peaceful 😚
Hey Susan, remain in your place of peace. Dr. C
The more I hear about narcissists, the sadder I feel for them. Imagine being sealed into a world devoid of trusted friends, empty of growth, inherently mean, ever critical. Imagine being always borderline bored, always rumbling with anxiety, a self-made turtle trying to march (caution, bravado) through a world that is predatory. Imagine getting so used to that loop-like way of thinking that you forget there was ever anything else. Imagine being lost in space. And dangerous.
They are like a worm. Thank you Dr Carter ❤
That insistant way of communicating, it can drive you nuts..
The nonstop babbling, the staring, the demanding tone, the banging and tapping on table surfaces, the stress (god forbid that there's a moments rest) and the pushy strategy...
I hate all this.
Sometimes, it feels like the narcissist physically pushes you or hits you, while just talking.
Gotta have 100% power over you..
Thank You Dr. Carter.
If you come at someone with a question on a particular subject that questions their image and they don’t have an answer, don’t you find that they’ll try to change the subject to avoid answering but then later down the line (maybe a week or a month later or even later than that), they’ll come back to that subject by themselves almost as if they’ve been deliberately trying to find excuses and have spent that time listing those down?
Described my father at 4:37
Big thanks.
Very validating.
Thank you so.much, I have been listening to your videos, and thanks to them , I have been able to stand up to a narcissist today.because of your teaching I knew what I was dealing with and how to answer
It was actually fun, because I put him in his place by staying calm and walked away from him.
I don't really know him very well, but I know of him. THUS, I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE HIM
Excellent video, and your calm, caring, powerful voice always makes my day. These detailed descriptions and examples are so important to helping us learn to identify these behaviors and how to respond to them. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you do for this community!
Thanks, Monique. So pleased the videos resonate! Dr. C
Ho my god. you told me everything my now ex friends does to the letter. all you didn't do is mention his name.
thank you dr c and crew for all you do. sharing with my kiddo's and hoping some healing will come from all this. God bless i'm growing. I'm learning.
Do narcissists project their narcissism on other people and blame them for being a narcissist?
Yes 👍
I like to read comments on these topics and see some narcissistic behaviors. It's so easy to spot, those people usually want to prove they're right, calling other names, etc. Good people don't act that way, they're focused on learning rather than the arguments.
I remember watching my first video if Dr.C and realized what I had been living with,I just couldn't help myself to tell him he was a Narcissist, that did not go down well,as u stated I was then called a Narcissist,I just laughed.
@@tammylake6183 you can't call them that, you will never win. I lived with one for 20 years and now, years after the divorce, as I'm learning this knowledge, I can see how it was all happening, why I was always down, unhappy and having suicidal thoughts often. Thank God I'm free of him.,🙏
@@user-sc5yo4bo2j hugs ❤ my son's father made me feel that way. Self esteem=0
My narc parents blame shift and are committed to blaming me for their problems. It's their way or no way and they will bully and attack to get their points across. Judgment was how they ruled the house as I grew up. They didn't affirm me at all. My successes were bragged about to their friends but behind closed doors they belittled and ignored them, angrily denying my awards won, accomplishments, etc. They called me "arrogant"just for being proud if myself. I wasn't. Mom stole my awards and other valuable things to me for herself. Having no boundaries she freely took whatever she wanted and I would later have to sneak to get them back..if I got them at all. Why I do not allow them free access in my home and avoid contact. I keep my happiness and successes to myself and know better than to talk about anything except superficial nothingness to them on the rare occasion that they call. My boundaries are high now and because of that they don't like dealing with me anymore. If they do it's probably just out of starvation for "supply" or looking to try to manipulate but they get nothing satisfying from me then lose interest again. It's ok, I don't need them in my life anymore. It hurts to have parents who don't know how to love but getting too close to the fire gets me burned.
So, nope. Life goes on.
Thank you again dr Les, appreciate these video’s a lot!
'Team Sanity' also a good alias for all the 'normals' in the house...!
You got the thumbs up already by saying we all have a blind spot I was like Bro I’ve got 1000. 🤣💀
There doesn't need to be any reason why problems exist between people, and when things go wrong, it's not always anyone's fault at all. Sometimes people just drift apart, or lose interest in the things they have in common with each other. That's part of life.
My shoulders are relaxing just listening to you. Just listened to your video about silencing the narcissists voice inside your head. That earworm is a brainworm. Especially when I get the not unjustified suspicion that they are creating new flying monkeys at my expense. That ' covert narcissist woman' can cause lots of damage to relationships. Thank you!
“Because I’m doing God’s will.
😒
I said 'NO" to a irrational demotion 3 years ago. And today, I stand on the premise that I am following God's purpose for my life and that God gives special gifts to everyone. With this, there is so much rationalization from the Narc Boss and his enablers/flying monkeys -- "Everything you do is for God anyway." They are doing everything to break me mentally so that I will not be able to function and then they can get their way of demotion. Please Pray for me. Thanks.
So true, indeed.
AMEN!! Dr C