After having just a simple conversation with narcissist makes you feel heavy. They never really have nice things to say about people, and they are so defensive and cold hearted. You never feel refreshed after talking to them. Instead, you feel gross and like you need an emotional shower to cleanse all the icky feelings they’ve left you with.
I always have a hot shower with lots of soap after visiting my mother. She is filthy but it's just the whole aura too. It gets harder and harder to make myself go see her.
i stay away from those i do not like. i dont talk crap or anything. they simply seize to exist. cause to me i use up too much energy in the gym and for people who are decent humans
@@bookworm8792 ABSOLUTELY! If our parents had taught us, perhaps we would have never become involved with these narcs in the first place. So all I can do is break this generational curse for my kids by teaching them how to set boundaries, and then set them free to use them.
I defeated a narc today. I simply told them "I'm not your punching bag. Find another source of supply," over and over until they ran out of rage. It was glorious! \o/
That is awesome. You can also say something like, "you'll have to do better than that". But just watch out for narcs that become silent and will hold a grudge forever. Even if you forget about it, they won't. 🙄
This is a lot more subtle. The narcissist asks "caring" questions in a sympathetic manner until you take the bait. When you relax and start trusting them they cut you off in mid-sentence with a scowl or say "Bye" and hang up the phone. Or "I've got to go" as if you were holding them against their will. You are left feeling humiliated from having revealed some personal information that caused the person to act disgusted or bored and abruptly end the conversation/visit or let you know that you have overstayed your welcome. The feeling of embarrassment is hard to shake off and can cause quite a bit of emotional pain and a feeling of rejection.
Exactly!! My covert narcissist mother gets the emotional equivalent of the time & temperature report now - not a single word about my thoughts, opinions, hopes, dreams, worries, struggles, pain, etc. "I've been to the puppet show and I've seen the strings" is my new inner mantra! Her "concern" is all fake anyway, so why put it out there for her to forget or, worse, disdain later? It's telling, to me, that as long as I keep our talks on superficial topics related to her (weather, gardening, books, movies, her home, health, etc) she seems completely oblivious, in curious about me, my family, her grandchildren. Her loss. Her choice. I choose to move on to more meaningful things after a few minutes at the puppet show.
Never, EVER share anything with a narcissist. They will turn it around and use it against you. I promise. My former co-worker did. He constantly threw it in their face acting like really cared. He could give a crap about it. He has now turned it on me even using the same words. Don't share. They don't care.
Narcissists have a way of seeming charming in the beginning like they're interested in you by asking all kinds of (often personal) questions, possibly without revealing anything except "good" about themselves. In this case it is at the beginning upon meeting where a narcissist gets so much out of you. It could be at any time they do this, but towards the end you've usually caught on to their game and hold back information.
@@bumblebeethoughts9753 I just spoke to my Dad today and he would not accept responsibility and quickly pointed his finger at my Mom. Blame game is sickening. He's been blaming her, demanding, " where is all my money?!" For the past what, 50 years? He wouldn't be responsible and save for his retirement. She did a little, and he made sure he got yo spend it so if he does first, he leaves with her nothing. Sick of being in the middle but I've known him for those almost 50 yrs. I know how he operates. Folks, get away from these kinds of ppl as quick as you can. Be free and happy. Freedom is precious. Don't rush into marriage or get panicked to quickly get married because say, your 29 or something. You could really screw yourself long term! He pretty much pissed his money away from drinking and he could never save any or think ahead. Good lesson there.
I am very ill and in my 60s and my narc brother is still pouting. He is a dynamite salesman. I respect sales reps, as those people are needed. I am professor and I learn more from sales reps than they learn from me. And that is great. My narc brother abused his wife and kids and he thanks he is saved and all other family members are not as good. Narcs have got to feel superior. They never want equality. He wants all people to comply with him.
@@reneetaitt8475 They get energy from direct confrontation. M psychologist explained that to me. They get a "fix." You feel pain but their biggest emotion is anger.
You cannot make a narcissist happy. If you completely bend to their will, they will be unhappy with you for having no backbone. If you do not comply completely with them, you are a traitor. Don't worry about pleasing anyone all the time. Do be true to your values and don't let anyone else's behavior be your excuse for betraying your values. This way lies peace.
The absolute worst effect that is that an as an empathe you accept their bad behaviour because you think that they just have a short fuse this didn't appear to me until I married him. It dawned on me when he resented my time and attention to our baby when he acted like a two year old for not getting the attention he deserved/wanted. But I went blindly on with this horrendous disregard through illness and then working and keeping the home whilst that waste of space didn't even make a cup of tea. My two children the same, lazy around the house and totally self centred. When after 30 years at the age of 52 I decided that it would kill me to stay I filed for divorce then he had a heart attack due to heavy smoking/drinking heavy an I stopped the divorce and looked after him for another six months and then went ahead with divorce which he contested took me to court and finally due to his undisclosed money of his finances had the case thrown out which made the judge angry because it needed to be another session so as he couldn't be trusted I was giiven the right to sell the house without him being involved. As well as having to live there with him giving me another eight months of hell. I have lived nineteen years now in relative happiness still with adult children which brought their problems home to me one heavily drinking and the other with drug taking. But somehow I have overcome and I would urge anyone in this situation to get out any way you can as they are not going to change and become the person you deserve to be.
Wow Joan, I know this may not be a completely rare story in people's lives but you dealt with this in such a compassionate , caring and intelligent way. You showed strength and yet love that should be a guiding light to others. 'Well done' could sound patronising , so I'll just hope that your life ahead credits you with the awesomeness you have shown.
When my baby daughter died in February my mom, who I am convinced is a narcissist, gave me the worst fake kind of empathy. At one point she got mad at me because she didn’t know how to act around me and I wasn’t being gracious enough to her for being around me and trying to show me empathy. And I owed her. They are selfish all of time. Even when your grieving it’s still about them
Yes. I'm very sorry for your loss. And absolutely it's a pattern for these people to use the worst time of your life to somehow use to their advantage.
They act like they care so they can go around telling your business to everyone else (especially on social media) along with a story about how empathetic they are. They spend 10x the time patting themselves on the back for being nice as they do acting like they actually care.
Omg yes. My parents are my narcs. I couldnt open up to them a out ANYTHING big and deeply m personal going on because they would flip out at me and then talk about me to other people because "my business was their business." My dad loved that phrase.. i told my mom about something that devastated me that had happened. She told my dad, which I figured she would. Well he took the "liberty" of telling my uncle without my permission. Now my creep of a cousin knows and he had called me out on Facebook for it, attacking me for something awful I went through so I cussed him out publicly and haven't spoken to him since. Never apologized to me. Later on I find out my aunt was told and she refuses to tell me WHO told her. I adore my aunt. Truly the sweetest, most warm person you could ever meet, but she is protecting the family members! Do I really not have a right to know who she heard it from to protect myself?? I have to assume everyone in my family gossips. Its awful. They reel you in jusy enough to get sensitive information then spew it all over for others and/or verbally attack you if they don't like it and take away privileges. So upsetting and damaging. Traumatic.
@Lovie Bryant oh man...thats awful!!! I am so sorry you couldn't confide in any family members. Of all the people in our lives family should be the safest place! Good for you for going no contact. My contact has become less and less and it has greatly improved my life so I feel you on that!!! Much more peaceful. You have to take care of yourself! Kudos! 👏👏👏👏
@Lovie Bryant wow, that's crazy!!! It definitely felt like my parents watched me too close too but in different ways. Totally uncalled for, I was a good kid and young adult! 🙄 happy you are able to block them from your life and hopefully move away to start fresh 😊
And they might be the cause of the problems at the same time, too! Most likely the are.. And then they belittle you to others and fake to be your protector/savior who you couldn't live without. It's totally evil.
My ex was good at faking empathy, even claiming to be an empath, himself. It’s those rare times that they fake empathy and show a sign of humanity that you fall for their BS, thinking that they have finally seen the light and will change. It’s all lies, though!
@@bertzerker747 My dad has the empathy of a brick, I mirrored him when he did something fake to me and was expecting my reaction, my reaction was also of a brick, also I added some words to underline how much I ''feel''. 😂 Since then, we don't have any relationship, he acts like a demon sometimes and is revengeful.
I am on the autistic spectrum and I often wonder how many people with aspergers get labelled as narcissists. Normal human functions such as empathy don't come as naturally to some of us and we have to learn cognitively how to connect with others. It can take a huge amount of concentration to put ourselves in someone elses experience and decipher what they might be feeling. Many people are undiagnosed and can seem narcissistic but really its just autism. I think those of us that worry we are narcissists can fall into this category as a real narcissist wouldn't have the capacity to feel that kind of concern, as far as i'm aware. From my understanding the difference between a person with a narcissitic personality and someone with just aspergers is that the person with aspergers cares and is willing to put the work in. Even though it doesn't come naturally they want to understand others and change their behaviour if they're actions are hurting someone else. A narcissist however is too overwhelmed by shame to be able to contemplate their mistakes and change their behaviour and they try to avoid pain at all costs, even if it costs their nearest and dearest. And of course people can be autistic and have a personality disorder due to their upbringing and the shame they experienced during childhood. I like to say that my brain is autistic but my heart isn't and I think we can all struggle with empathy sometimes because our culture seems to actively encourage us to think with our cold logical brains and not with our feeling, loving hearts.
Thank you! 💛 there is both asperger's and narcissism in my family - both sides appear self-centered and are very difficult, but it is so obvious that the asperger's is shining love and kind intention while the narcissism is a dark, depraved swamp. But so strange how the outside layers appear similar. Wonder if asperger's accidentally used a narcissist as a model for "normal" human behavior. Shit. Maybe that's me, too.
My husband makes pay him for any work he does for me while I cook and do every bit of work around the home now he refuses to work for me unless I pay him first and tells his family I do not pay him when I direct debit his pay into his bank account always! He no longer lives with me all the time but stays for long periods. He bullied me to sell my home which I purchased with insurance money from my only son who died by suicide he calls me suicide blonde and always uses my sons death to control me. I sold the house and within a month of buying a new home he moved into the spare room contacted a lawyer and told him I was loaded and he had nothing and thought himself deserving of 30 thousand dollars because he used his ute to move my furniture the lawyer told him that after only 1 year of marriage he may have some trouble especially as he contributed nothing. The most evil creature who ever lived.
IKR! My narc husband guilt trips the kids and me all the time. He tries to make it seem like it’s because he cares about us that he gives us all these things, but we know the truth - it’s so he can brag to people, and then turn around and tell them how ungrateful we are for it. I’ve told him that we would gladly give it all up and be happily poor if it meant that we had a good relationship together - a happy family. Tears and promises of change followed, along with, “I don’t want us all to be miserable.” Next morning, “I want to talk to you. . .” Since then, we’ve been living under his emotional storm clouds - no one can do right. He keeps watching and waiting for us to screw up.
Especially when we are talking about romantic relationship when we need and accept this "empathy" as proof that this person care about us, and if it's charming for use, we are stuck in this belief. At least for a while...
My wife when talking about anything good: me me me I I I me me My wife when talking about something bad: you you you you. My wife when shes lying about something big that shes done: silence
All of us here know and believe you because the same has happened to us too. It is probably useless to call out your wife when she does those things, don't give a reaction if possible just talk with anyone who won't let your reactions get back around to her. And hide your passwords.
Looking forward to this talk. So much to learn in this narc world. My soon to be EX husband is a FULL NARC. He shows ZERO empathy towards others, including me. I'll never forget the various times I had to go to the ER (I'm in bad health) where he would sit there and sulk because the doctors spoke to me (the patient) about different tests they were scheduling, and not him. Twice, at two different hospitals, he walked out of the ER and went home. When I had emergency heart surgery, and was in the hospital 10 days, he only came to see me once and stayed only 10 minutes. When he sees hungry and homeless people, he would look at them in disgust and even laugh. He THRIVES being admired. He INSISTED that I use terms of endearment daily, such as "honey" "sweetie" "dear" etc etc EVERY DAY; throughout the day.. If I forgot, he would whine and many times he would go ballistic over that alone. In one of his meltdowns he INSISTED to go and find a woman, pay her $50 per hour, bring her to our home, so she can use terms of endearment EVERY 10 MINUTES. I was shocked and became nauseated. I could probably write a manual of what to look out for in the 11 months we were married. The manual would read like a psychological thriller SCARY NIGHTMARE. To whomever is reading this: PLEASE pay attention to the signs EARLY ON. PLEASE do NOT allow yourself to be treated like this. You/I DESERVE BETTER!! We DESERVE LOVE AND CARE! Blessings to all of you. May we all come out stronger from this experience.
@Private Account Thank you very much for your reply Colin. I went through hell in the 11 months we were married. I consider my self very lucky AND blessed it was not longer. I'm starting to feel a little better already. I am working to get better from the SEVERE PTSD I developed while I was with him. Take care and be well my friend. Sending you love and hugs from NYC!❤❤
@@emotown1 I am slowly finding out what he was like before we met and got married. Many things confirmed by neighbors that approached me to ask me if I was alright because the whole neighborhood heard his ranting, raving, throwing things out the windows, like toasters, ashtrays, ceramic and glass coffee cups, plates of food, my cell phone, etc etc.. and very loud noises from breaking things, such as my laptop. On day I left him, as I was getting in taxi, two neighbors congratulated me on leaving. They told me they were worried about my safety. Same neighbors told me that he had broken all the windows in his apartment from the inside 12 years earlier. There seems to be a continuous pattern of past violence with him. I WISH I had KNOWN any of this. I feel very lucky that I got out before he killed me. I thank God EVERY DAY, it was ONLY 11 months. Thank you for replying.
@Lovie Bryant YES INDEED Lovey. I did "see" it. But I ignored it. BIG MISTAKE. I am starting to feel better. Discovering Dr. Carter, his wonderful and oh so helpful videos has helped me ALOT and has set me to my road of FULL recovery. Dr. Carter has a very supportive kind and understanding community of followers. I feel lucky and blessed in discovering Dr. Carter's channel. Bless Dr. Carter, you and his other followers. Thank you much for replying.
Our own mother warned me not to tell my brother anything, while he seemed to be sympathetic, because he would throw it back in your face sometime later. Ultimately, it's all an info gathering mission on their part.
Yes!!big brother KRN ruined every family vacation '"outing"'me "'Guess what CAROL DID? HIS fave phrase My parents LOVED HATING ME! he enjoyed it so; drama and punishment forCAROL
Carol Nahigian my ex did and still does the same to me! “Everything was my fault “and he would make up horrible lies smearing my name to my children and others projecting and blameshifting all his abuse of myself and my children back onto me His evil destructive path never ends
My covert narc sister did this. And the worse part about it - her laugh. They enjoy hurting you both emotionally & physically. My mother is an overt narc. They double teamed me. I'm a more introverted person, HSP & an empath. Didn't know about myself until watching these kinds of vids last year. I have been NC with my sister over 11 yrs now.
Or to get what they want. I see them at work manipulate our union president who is sick. They pretend to care and then try to advance their own cause. They are sick people. Demented and far removed from reality. They get the vulnerable ones. They make them feel worse and they still don't get what they want because the majority knows they are toxic.
They are using "I hear you" as a way to dismiss without response or acknowledgement. You know by the context when someone is fake or not, usually it's a pattern.
Thank you so much for this! My mother is a nurse and a narcissist, and your description of the doctor is just like her. Her patients think she is an angel, but that isn't the truth. Unfortunately the person she pretends to be is not the person she is in the rest of her life. If you are someone she is supposed to care about (kids, family, husband (4 and counting...) boyfriend, etc.) forget it. If you are a complete stranger she is the most loving, kind, empathetic person ever. "False empathy" sums it up perfectly. Thank you!
When my 'friend' started calling in her favors, man oh man. Feeding the cat is one thing but the stuff she wanted me to do was incriminating. Mind blown. I put that to an end.
This was the hardest part about growing up with a narcissistic mother, aside from the gaslighting. Once I got past that and realized I wasn’t crazy and she was just manipulative, it became really hard to stomach how fake she was in front of others. I felt like no one believed me, they all just thought she was so charming and caring and I was just a moody, ungrateful child. I learned not to even try to convince others anymore, eventually they see it for themselves. Her best friend doesn’t speak to her anymore but I’m still friends with her on Facebook and it’s sad to say, but it feels so nice to have her support now and to feel seen.
Yes, and people believe her over me, even when it's about what I felt like. For example, my aunt said "your mom told me you're embarrassed to be seen with her." I was stunned, because it wasn't true. But my mom wasn't a liar...was she? She was very religious, she wouldn't lie, I thought. I was thinking, AM I embarrassed to be seen with her? It didn't make sense though, because she was very stylish and people said she was gorgeous - why would I be embarrassed? So, I told my aunt that I wasn't. She said "Well, your mom says you ARE." I think my grandmother (dad's mother) was the only one who could see it...to an extent.
Age does add a different dimension. When I was young the narcmom had me and my dad convinced we were a waste of oxygen. But after my dad became incapacitated, he tried to explain to me how ‘she ‘ abused him. He assumed I would think he was lying. When I explained that I understood, because I was raised by that same violent woman, he nearly cried. It does feel good to finally feel seen or heard.
This is basically my life. My dad spent my upbringing telling all our family members how I was just this monster of a kid growing up even though he was barely around or disciplined me much. The psychological damage to me has done something I cant even put into words. I basically stopped talking to my grandmother because she thought I was this awful person and I couldn't convince her otherwise because my dad is so manipulative. I just moved back in with my dad at 30 and 2 weeks in it all starts up again. He gave me some money for real estate school ( $450 ) and now he acts like I owe him the world.
Narcs have an empathy of an alligator. No matter how much they hurt and damage people around them they still consider themselves good and righteous people, when in reality they are the worst people ever.
The Narcissists in my life really got me thinking i was just paranoid and they convinced me that they are "actually the nice people with lots of empathy" and everyone else is mean. I’m so sick of this manipulation. Not anymore.
Gee lol, geeeeezzzzz As a covert narcissist this video helps me a lot to copy with some angry individuals just like you guys. By the way I have a pekingese include 3 cat's and I truly care about them. As about human beings just like you I feel absolutely nothing zero empathy. In my eyes you're just another mere object
The empathy that my ex-husband directed my way when I was struggling was all about data-gathering. He ended up exploiting the confidences I shared with him, twisting my words and perpetuating lies, and using my vulnerability and insecurities as justification for him to cheat and pursue other women.
Very similar. It stinks. My wife cheated several times. It takes your seld esteem away and they know it. It seems the one who is abused is the one who wants the relationship to work....and when it doesn't is the most hurt. Dr.C sure does a great job.
Thorvald Melum, yes, and often the one who wants the relationship to work and gets hurt the most is also the last one to know their spouse has been cheating on them.
Narcisists want to conquer you and make you to comply and submit. Empathy is such a beautiful quality and it is rooted in respect and gentle care. Dear dr Carter, Thank you for your immense help and support.
I worry about being a narcissist. My therapist laughed when I confessed this fear to her. To be honest, I use humor to cope with difficult feelings, so i said it in a funny way. Lol but i tell you, her laughter was exactly what i needed. A professional, in studying the human emotions and states of mind, thought the idea of me being a narcissist was laughable. Haha I laughed too. It opened my mind up to accepting that maybe I'm kind of silly for thinking I'm a narcissist. Objectively speaking, I'm on the other end of the spectrum from narcissistic. I have almost no narcissism, even healthy narcissism. Setting boundaries is hard as hell for me, because I so completely get myself trapped in another person's shoes. I forget I have feelings too, and that they matter and are valid. Codependency is so common in those who identify as empaths or highly empathetic. It comes naturally to empathize with, and want to help and make happy, other people. Ugh. I sound pretentious. Sorry if I come off that way! Lol I'm just saying, it's okay to love yourself the way you love other people. After all, you are the only person who is capable of loving you for exactly who you are. You can know your flaws and issues, and you can love yourself anyway. You can let yourself love your good qualities and quirks. For me, loving myself despite my pit falls, has helped me access more patience and calm firmness with others, without the expense being to my mental or physical health. I can set boundaries, and am learning to set them in an appropriate way. Once you realize how unfairly you're being treated, you can feel angry or protective. Just remember that our emotions dont get to decide our actions alone. Wisdom and confidence in your right to be treated fairly, will help you respond with patience and calm firmness.
Yes indeed, and in the case of a narcissist, sometimes "no reaction at all" sends them the message that they aren't going to get narcissistic supply out of you. Be well, and save your reactions, no matter how calm, for people who have your best interest at heart, as you do for them.
When I was a kid I went to a Gem Show in the Nevada Desert. A bunch of rock collectors came to display their polished rocks and thunder eggs etc. I was given a roll of paper towels becuz my job was to clean the display cases. I fell in luv with rocks! But there was a particular rock that looked like a chunk of pure gold!! Then someone told me it was fools gold. This rock was so mesmerizing, I was amazed it wasn't real! Nevada is known for its gold and silver panning of days gone by. It's a shame no one taught me the spiritual point and moral of the story right then about the difference between the genuine and the fraudulent characteristics of those we come in contact with in life. Wouldn't we all have been spared alot of grief.
This video is so “right on the money”! It is EXHAUSTING to try to figure these people out. How they can convince themselves that their deplorable actions are appropriate is mind boggling. Time, and experiences with them, tell everything. Thank you again for a lovely video! Hi to Gus!
They don't have to convince themselves that their deplorable behavior is okay, because they are the only worthy being on the planet, and you don't have any right to your own feelings, let alone to anything else. That is how things in their little world work.
I've wasted nearly 40 years of my life being married to 2 narcs. I'm thankful for your videos Dr. I'm waking up to a very painful reality. God is my strength.
Now that you are out of an abusive environment, you will be able to heal. And the more you heal from toxic abuse, the more intolerable it will be for you to be around toxic people. Please ensure that you are kind to yourself now and in the future, don't waste energy fretting over the time that has already passed. You have been through far too much suffering already, there is no point in suffering all over again, in case you tend to ruminate or feel regret or resentment for the past. Be well.
I'm always on my guard when someone says how empathetic they are, how good they are, or relies on virtue signaling, or belittles others that the receiving person lack empathy. If is person has many positive traits they will reveal themselves, as will negative ones.by their actions and in time their words.
Absolutely yes. It's refreshing comments like yours that the world is learning about narcissism, because we live in interesting times where so many people in society are angry and unhappy and even being misled.
Yes, me too these days. I had a narc friend who was always going on about how ''woke'' she was and how much she cared and did for others, and the planet etc, while at the same time judging and belittling everyone around her, including me of course. I just sit back and watch as people reveal thier true natures now, especially the virtue signallers.
shelby lane same here! So many wasted years of putting up with my malignant npd ex husband verbal and physical abuse and cheating Falling for his pathological lies fake apologies denials gaslighting .....fooled into thinking we’re building a family and life together When All along hes diabolically plotting masterminding mine and my children’s destruction and ultimate disposal
😣 DAMN IT, BE STRONG ! HE'LL TRY AS HE MIGHT TO GET YOU BACK, HE'LL PLAY THAT 'HE WAS WRONG' BS. 😔 IT'S NOT THEY CAN'T CHANGE OR TRY TO BUT IS A MENTAL DEFECT THAT THEY CAN'T SEPARATE FROM REALITY. 😘 IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY THEN FIGHT FOR IT & DON'T GIVE IN... STAY AWAY FROM ALL NEGATIVITY UNTIL YOU'RE STRONGER ENOUGH TO HAVE REBUILT YOUR IDENTITY. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN ! 😒 GOT 'NO' IN YOUR VOCABULARY ?
Does anyone have advice for someone with kids who desperately wants out, but doesn’t know where to look for resources. I’m financially dependent on my narc husband.
Oh my God this will be hot!! My ex who I am almost certain is a narcissist told me after dating her a few weeks that she was an Empath. I had never heard of an Empath until then. After researching it...my thought was this could be good because even though I'm not an empath I have alot of empathic ways. After about 3 months I never saw any genuine compassion or empathy and became suspicious. She literally lied about being and empath and faked some of the attributes. It was all a lie and trickery to hide what she really was. Yall be careful out there!!!
@xbbradley I went through the same thing with an ex friend who screwed me over really bad, she claimed to be an empath as well and talked about how her kids' dad was a Narcissist!!!! She did me so wrong behind my back after I helped pay a ton of bills for her when her mom was dying plus many other things I did for her! A friendship for 9 years and I had no clue she was a Covert Narcissist!
@@starkiss77 They proclaim it in the assumption that you are too stupid to see their true self as it becomes obvious to you over time. Also, liars use words to convince you of their lies. Liars sure as He// won't be able to show you empathy in their behavior.
The first malignant n I fell for, 40 years ago, was excellent at false empathy. She was getting her degree in counseling, but behind their backs she was brutal. She created constant drama for me to support her through. I was worn out in five long months and it took me years to recover, ultimately having to be honest about my own desperate search for the love that was always inside me.
you can feel it when someone is fake. you may lie to yourself cause shes pretty but after some solitude and thinking alone and a little self examination you start to piece together everything. just takes me time cause im slow and stubborn.
It's so confusing. I express how frustrating it is to be ignored and dismissed , insulted and disrespected, but it never changes. The nice and fun and intelligent and wonderful guy , that he honestly is , disappears the moment I point out that he was rude and insensitive to his children or strangers on the street, or myself. I approach all of these things with my best ability. I have no intention of putting him down. It's really hard to explain. I got cheated on for years and according to him...it's my fault he lied and pretended he was something that he was not.
He definitely isn't accepting accountability or working to mend the damage he has caused to the relationship. I hope you are managing as best you can. Be well.
That is Classic, typical. Finally divorced after decades and investigating suspected affairs ! Was I shocked at his Secret Lives. But, he blames me, denies physical assault. They are completely in another world of their own reality. Wish I had divorced sooner, life is so peaceful now.
Curiosity can't be faked. We all ask "how are you?" In order to elicit canned answers, but when an individual breaks the mold and says something unusual, the empathetic person doesn't get annoyed. They sense the need of the other to connect. It pulls at your heartstrings, especially if you hear grief or stress in their voice. Sometimes the answer is the same, but the tone is honest. Yesterday, my coworker did this very things. She said she was fine, and I thought about saying "come on tell me what's happened" but I am trying to not pressure folks to talk. So I just said, "I think you may need to talk, and if you do I love you and I am here to listen.". She is a very empathetic person, and I really admire her in that regard because she's helped me to build my own empathy, maybe without even knowing it, so she tends to take on stress. I wonder if she has a place to share or just vent. Thank you doctor C, I have really found see great insights from your videos.
Signs You're With a Narcissist👇 A grandiose sense of self-importance. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions. A need for excessive admiration.
Also lack of empathy and complete disregard for your problems, feelings etc which are never interesting enough in comparison with immensely important things that narcissists deal with.
Amen!! Been there. Done that. Got lots of scars. But, he played himself. I am away from him and having a much better life in spite of everything he did. 😊
My narcissistic sister-in-law tries soooooo hard to "sound" empathetic. She recites inspirational quotes, catch-phrases and buzz-words all the time, but lacks the ability to conjure up any semblance of emotion to accompany it. So she comes off sounding robotic. She's a very cold, hard and indifferent individual. Anytime she introduces me to someone, she always makes sure she tells the other person this about me...as I'm standing there..."we're not friends. We're not close. We just get along." After experiencing this several times, I asked her why she felt the need to inject that phrase into every introduction, she said, "well, we're not friends or close. I don't say it to hurt your feelings, I'm just being honest." 😂 The funny thing is, she doesn't have any friends at all.
I am looking forward to this talk. There is a person in my family who is well known to us as a narcissist. (Perhaps not full NPD, but on the upper part of the intensity scale.) Both she and her husband are low-empathy individuals, although the husband's diminished empathy level may likely be due to being her victim; since married, he has become extremely submissive to her, and will acquiesce to virtually any command she gives him. During their decade of marriage together, he has been "trained" to have few positions, opinions, or feelings of his own without first having her permission. Her son was in therapy by the age of five, although he was quickly removed when the therapists began to peer too closely into his parental relationships. Friends, colleagues, churches, and even family are discarded effortlessly by her. Having considerable experience with highly narcissistic personalities, we understood ow to maintain peace with her, and she has regularly come to us for validation. It was incredulous when she came to us one day and proclaimed that "I am an empath!" Wait, what? Unfortunately, because we knew better than to question or counter her claim, she ran with it. Honestly, I don't know if she really believes it or not. And that is the insight I am hoping to get in your talk. Thank you again for giving us understanding and helping us to cope with these (dare I say it) "monsters".
Michael, I think I have one of these in my family, also. My sister in law. My poor "worthless" brother, her husband, would be in the gutter without her, she said to me one time. Truth is, my brother was beaten down so badly by our father, that he has very little self confidence. It's nearly impossible for me to be near them, because my brother thinks the world of this woman. That she's is so caring and kind. She's got the acting down to a believable level. "We're a team, he says." My only thought is, cross her and find out for yourself, buddy, how much of a team you think you are and have been all of these years. But he won't.
Feel like it's pretty common for narcissists to consider themselves empaths. My mother is exactly like that. When I was in high school, I used to self harm because of untreated (and quite extreme) anxiety that I still struggle with to this day. Instead of getting me help, she would whine to me asking if understand how hard it is for HER to have a kid with mental problems and saying I should be more sympathetic and supportive. She has also been emotionally abusive with my sister for years, and now that we're older, she just can't grasp why my sister doesn't really want to talk to her anymore.
I was concerned that I had become a narcissist because my mother was one. I have been no contact with her for 6 months, and still have nightmares... That aside, I was a TERRIBLE salesperson, because I simply can't lie! But when I honestly believe in my skills and knowledge, I am successful. I do still think I need to work on my empathy. I am good in a crisis - I run into it for other people. I have literally run into life threatening situations. But I still wonder if it was ego-driven. That said, I had the training and felt a responsibility. I once purposely made a parent angry with me in order to show their child they were worth defending. On the one hand, that's the opposite of narcissism. But is it narcissistic to be proud of that? My experience with narcissists has involved every kind of abuse. But I also know that abuse and manipulation can be far more subtle, and I often question my motives. Anyway, thank you for your insights.
All of us have learned the toxic traits through being abused, and we are able to use them to cope or defend ourselves from abuse. We learn them and eventually put them aside when our lives get better, but we remember them to directly identify future abusers with the same abusive traits. In the meantime while healing we may carry residual defense behaviors, but eventually those wear off but are also remembered so that we are wiser for the wear. Survivors also remember the traits to help identify and help heal other survivors, as well as continue healing themselves. It's all part of the process.
I have a similar problem. Being married to a narcissist for many years left me feeling confused about myself. One of his tactics was accusing me of saying and doing mean, selfish things which had never even crossed my mind. He would throw violent rages at me for these false accusations. Over the years I became so confused that I tape recorded our conversation so I could keep my mind straight. Sure enough the recordings proved his accusations to be false. But it still eroded and confused my psychological integrity. So, I often still wonder if I’m unknowingly being a narcissist just like him.
Excellent. Very helpful. It sometimes seems as if the most proficient actors are not in Hollywood or on your TV screen, they are in your living space, in your workplace, or down your street. Their “empathy” is just an act. Don’t fall for “Fool’s Gold”...!
I can always tell fake empathy when a person tries to convince me that they have empathy for something or someone. Real empathy comes natural, you don't have to convince someone you have it.
This differentiation between compassionate empathy and cognitive empathy is true, I think. Narcissists will ask you all sorts of personal questions, not because they care about you, but they are just gathering data about you to be able to figure out your strengths and , especially, weaknesses , in order to use this information against you strategically in the future. This sort of figuring you out is cognitive, and represents the extent of their empathy. Also, the "crocodile tears" sort of sympathy they can express is always about them, I find. It may look like they are hurting on behalf of someone else who is in pain, but the way they muster the affect of sympathy is by thinking about themselves being hurt, not about the other person. It's a fantasy. That's why such displays of sympathy or regret are shallow and short-lived. They'll cast it off in a few minutes and display uncaring coldness to the person whose plight they were just welling up about.
I really love those closures about peace -- "and then become a giver of peace." Wow! Thank you, Dr. C. I do feel more peaceful❣️ I then listened to "What the World Needs Now Is Love" as sung by Jackie DeShannon, and I'd like to give that back to you now.
My ex narc reckoned she would make a good Relationship Counsellor because she had an empathic mindset. Needless to say I hadn't known her long at the time! Looking back now it was a bit like King Herod claiming he would make a good babysitter.
It’s like guys who are always talking about alpha males, or how to become an alpha male. Alphas never talk about being alpha. Empathic people rarely talk about empathy, it has been my experience.
I recently went through this with my narcissistic step-daughter prior to my husband’s death. Even as sick as he was, he could see through her false empathy. She yelled at him that he “owed it” to her to call her everyday and give her a blow by blow of how he was feeling, what was going on, etc.. He died of lung cancer that metastasized to his brain and at the end, was bed-ridden, could barely see or speak because the tumor was putting pressure on the brain stem. One day while in the room with him she began wailing and a couple people in the family ran upstairs to check on her. It was all for show! I don’t think she has a genuine bone or feeling in her body.
Thank you Dr. Les Carter for this video as I find myself relating with the empathy-lacking end of the spectrum and I think even empathy-lacking people get fooled by empathy-faking people who lack boundaries.
It doesn't really seem like empathy at all. If or when it is really false it sounds false. I don't fall for the caring narrative, I just detect the illogic it drives from and try a little harder not to embrace it on my own part. These telltales resemble the hidden motive. Like a child lying about how much extra sugar they ate... If it is extremely false perhaps a direct lie then usually the empathy is a little more restrained, it then comes across more or less as a manipulation tactic, not fooled by manipulation after you get to know them. That ties in with Dr Carter's analogy of sales people, but with the ones you live with, the sale is never closure.
@@bertzerker747 You're right! I'm at the stage where I have to prove stuff with pictures and month and date, It's pathetic, they deny the truth so much and contradict themselves in 30 seconds and when I prove I was right, they transform this in an argue. I live in such a toxic environment, everybody is fooled by the narcs I know, I feel like living with zombies.
With every different video you talk about one of my sisters or my mother. This video is the particular sister that I've always said when she does me a favor I owe her 3 in return. And her favors never equal mine. If I can't do it, she looks at me with utter disbelief that I dare say no. Im just the most horrible person. I've always said that my family has tried to break me. They're just waiting for the thing that I finally do that will justify everything they've ever felt about me. So far, nothing has come of that, I don't think it ever will. This particular sister has picked me up from 3 outpatient surgeries and left me in the parking lot of various stores waiting in the car because she didn't want to have to backtrack. So I had to wait to get home after surgery. I finally started asking friends. What a tremendously different experience. Thanking God for strength. ♡
Thank you so much for what you do! I was raised by a narcissists, and married 2 for 20 yrs each. It took me awhile to realize that I finally met someone who honestly cared. I was so used to the drama that I thought he didn't care at first because he didn't try to persuade me, but wanted me to think on my own. The last 8 years have been a God send. For the 1st time I really love my life. I needed your encouragement and information to enlighten me that what I was experiencing was not love, but abuse.
This is one of my favorite videos b/c the narc in my life is actually a Holistic Practitioner in our community. I went to her house as a retreat from the city during the beginning of the pandemic, thinking maybe it would be easier since it wasn't Thanksgiving or Xmas. WRONG! The difference was that b/c there wasn't snow on the ground she wanted help with her yardwork. Ok, that was a gift in VERY strange packaging, and I made a list of everything I gained from the experience. Thank you again Dr. Carter.
A lot of animal rescues,rescuers,trappers, hoarders do this.So be aware.They absolutely hate me because I call them out. They hate me because I post how every cent I receive in donations is spent. Hate me because I do home visits and looking term follow up for every animal I adopt out. Most rescuers do not do this. They keep the money and put the animals down, dump at a shelter,or adopt to anyone based on an application. If you demand a follow up, they just say the animal was adopted.I have never seen so much fake empathy and secret abuse in my life. Very judgemental,controlling, etc-
Perhaps there is hope. One local shelter in my area requires the original owner to keep ("foster") the animals until a new actual owner sees the profile online and responds to it. The shelter's job is to vaccinate, medicate and spay/neuter the animal (if not already proved to be done with medical records) at the time of the transfer from the original owner to the new owner.
Thank you for your videos. I have found them to be the most accurate and straightforward and empathic that I have ever listened to. And I have listened to hundreds over many years. The covert narcissists are unbelievably difficult to recognize, especially within religion. Finally you have defined the narcissists in my life and I am forever grateful.
I just left a narrastic relationship with a friend. OMG . I left so fast it would make your head spin. But I learned so much. I am free from things I grew up from by this situation. I am able to see and understand things I would not of understood as a child with a narrastic parent and to understand my behavior. I am not narrastic but during a fight with a real one I can see my Narrastic tendencies I could have if I did not educate myself and until I listened to these videos and upon leaving the relationship I was prepared and will be prepared in future to deal with her and others and in my family. what a fantastic experience. yes it ugly and I hate how I was treated but can't stay a victim. lots of healing coming from this experience. I can learn to forgive and move on in peace. very liberating
A great comment I once read - 'Don't let your strength be your weakness'. Empathy is a strength but my weakness has been not understanding boundaries and setting consequences. But, as you say, knowledge is power. All of these pointers you provide are like pieces in the jigsaw of self-protection. Thanks again Dr C for another very valuable video. 💜 PS Matthew 7 verses 17-20 so accurately describes what you say, its not the appearance of ''good' that matters...it's the 'fruit produced' . Some 'fruit' takes a while to mature but when it does, is it helpful..... or harmful.
Thank you again for this valuable information which you provide so carefully and compassionately. Sometimes I feel as if I will never be able to stop attracting narcissists no matter how hard I work in my own therapy and self care, they just seem to come in an endless array of disguises and have an unlimited arsenal of tactics. But your videos are very helpful. They also help me begin the process of trusting myself and learn how to protect myself especially when I am around narcissists in situations I cannot escape, like at work.
Narcissists have a way of detecting people who are psychologically vulnerable, or who avoid conflict, who please others, and those who have difficulty saying no. Among other things. Years ago I had these traits. But over time I noticed that some toxic people started avoiding me, especially the ones who were self-entitled. I had learned to give only when I could, and when someone was in genuine need due to no fault of their own that I could see for myself. For me, "no" has been a very powerful narcissist repellant. So has, "what will I get out of It? Make me an offer I can't refuse" followed by "no". Narcissists hate to waste effort on anything that doesn't give them immediate gratification. Maybe my story has something helpful for you. Be kind to yourself now and always.
I don't know if you read all your comments, or how notifications work with uploaders, but every video of your entering my feed is exciting me. It's like you're in my head.
I think what makes narcissists so hard to understand is that it is so hard to believe anybody could be that way! They are actually very simple - completely selfish.
That's true. Narcissists are not very interesting people, once you get their behavioral patterns down, they are fairly easy to predict and demonstrate a fairly mundane and boring mentality. Behind their false persona, there really isn't much of anything else.
It is indeed exhausting. I find good people invigorate me. Narcissists make me depressed and incredibly upset. They are so destructive that all I can picture is a black hole.
We have to admit at some point that we share some deficiencies with our narcissitic abusers -- that we, ourselves, take on some narcisstic qualties just to survive what they put us through. I know that we can feel this in ourselves and that we want to grow beyond it. It's reassuring to watch these videos because if Dr. Carter can figure it out and share it with us, then we can figure it out too and start to move closer to coming out the other side of it.
Mine does this and it fooled me for many years. But it only fooled me because i wasn't used to receiving real, genuine empathy. I started realizing that he wasn't really very interested in what I said and that even though he was nodding and acting like he was listening, he was really detached most of the time and didn't even hear what I was saying, and he certainly didn't FEEL it. He did manage to retain some things, but only so he could use them against me later, when he needed it in the moment. Say for example if we were arguing he might bring up something I confided in him, in order to shift the focus onto me. Shallow is a good word for it. There is no depth. Tell a narc something deeply personal and they will use it against you. Either they will throw it in your face at some later date, or they will tell your secret to everyone you know in order to smear you and shame you.
The way you beat this is. You examine and cross-examine everything they say and do. Same procedure used in court system narcissist will see you on to them. And will stay far away from you or avoid you all together
It is definitely a tactic of some narcissists. However, it seems to be on the rise among 'normal' people as well. I bump into more and more people, who are normal in many ways, and not necessarily evil. But they have some sort of programmed/brainwashed need to be seen as a saint, and false empathy is very often one of their tools. Sometimes, they even put the person down in 'empathetic' ways, so they can appear as the empathetic 'hero'. In narcissists, it is intentional - but with these people, I think they do believe they are very empathetic, but they can't seem to distinguish their true empathy from the false one. I find it both fascinating and scary.
I find so many people who claim that they are empaths are actually narcissists or at least arrogant. If there's something wrong with me or I'm going through something...it's taking attention off of them so if THEY are struggling with me, they'll get that attention back. When I was going through the trial with the drunk driver who killed my mother, my 'empath' friend kept bringing it back around to "I remember when my grampa died and I was so angry..." Well, first off, this is not about my mother dying, it's about my mother being killed and second...why isn't she in the courtroom with me every day for two weeks if she wants to be so supportive?
So true when my grandma was dyeing my “friend” was purposefully sulking to get attention now that I look back. As soon as my grandma passed away mask comes off blames me for all his problems and tells me I sat there and starved my grandma to death.... lol these sucks fucks have no ability to relate or console you just suck energy and gaslight you
Love this video. So true. I really wish I knew all this a few years ago when I was coping with narcissists and I was completely confused, pissed off and didn´t know what is going on at all. There was even a phase when I thought I am going crazy before finally realising how toxic, fake and nasty are these people. The points made in the video are very accurate and real. This channel is amazing .. this should be teached in schools.
Once again a very informative, right to the heart of the matter video. Thank you Dr Les for clarifying a whole list of things to me as I thought I was just oversensitive and overreacting. Hearing you put it all together so clearly and easy to understand, have put my mind to ease and makes it easier for me to move forward with my new life.
Even when I was a kid, I could spot fake empathy, but I used to go against my gut feeling all the time. I'm better at it now, but I'd be lying if I said, "I've never been duped as a adult." I've even been duped within the past two years a few times. I just hope for the best in people, and sometimes that turns me into a sucker.
That is very clarifying... I think many people are like that. I wonder if these people are aware of their manipulative behavior... i imagine after 42 year’s old, they are aware and choose to be like that because they see advantage... is sad. I have a close person like that and I don’t see any advantage. She always need new people to support her because not everyone is fooled for long time... like i was. Because I love her and know she has so much potential... maybe she is not narcissistic...
They pretend to have empathy to get information to hurt you later NEVER let your guard down around them
That's the truth. Wow do they have the capacity to store memories for later use instead of using it for good. Like computer hackers. LOL
So true! Trouble makers!
Downright evil and diabolical!
1000000000% he used everything IVE TOLD HIM against me for pure EVIL
Very pathetic attribute.
After having just a simple conversation with narcissist makes you feel heavy. They never really have nice things to say about people, and they are so defensive and cold hearted. You never feel refreshed after talking to them. Instead, you feel gross and like you need an emotional shower to cleanse all the icky feelings they’ve left you with.
I always have a hot shower with lots of soap after visiting my mother. She is filthy but it's just the whole aura too. It gets harder and harder to make myself go see her.
Not refreshed. Good way to express it! Someone who truly cares will add to your well being, not deplete it.
“Emotional Shower” hits the nail on the head. Unfortunately for many people that shower is in alcohol, drugs, binge shopping or eating.
💯
Marriage 😔
An empath treats his enemies better, than a narcissist treats his "friends".
J3robi truth !
i stay away from those i do not like. i dont talk crap or anything. they simply seize to exist. cause to me i use up too much energy in the gym and for people who are decent humans
True
@@raygengamer8440 On your workplace, you simply cannot avoid them, unless your working alone.
@@raygengamer8440 ii
I have noticed they also like to use kids and animals to appear as an empathetic sensitive person.
YES!!!
This annoys me, perfectly describes them
Boi o boi i know i heard he threw his cat for being annoying. But says cats are the best
@@iprobablyhaveapoint ugh. I would report them to the police. Before I would attempt to kill them for hurting an animal.
Oh my god!!!! That's probably why my narc had so many pets. In reality she probably just enjoyed having total control over another living being. 🤮
Setting boundaries has honestly changed my.life.
Amen! It's a skill we should all teach our children.
Absolutely
And being ignored too
They lie and secure all they can manipulating lawyers and hiding their $$ and smear, blame you for leaving and more...
@@bookworm8792 ABSOLUTELY! If our parents had taught us, perhaps we would have never become involved with these narcs in the first place. So all I can do is break this generational curse for my kids by teaching them how to set boundaries, and then set them free to use them.
U have to watch what u say to a narcissist. Dont ever tell him or her your personal family business. U have to protect yourself.
When ever you think for a moment or two they care, and are listening to you.. and later something you shared with them is turned against you
I defeated a narc today. I simply told them "I'm not your punching bag. Find another source of supply," over and over until they ran out of rage. It was glorious! \o/
That is awesome. You can also say something like, "you'll have to do better than that". But just watch out for narcs that become silent and will hold a grudge forever. Even if you forget about it, they won't. 🙄
@@danielkaiser8971 Doesn't matter what grudge they hold. It was a random person in the RUclips comments so it's not like I have to live with a grump.
@@m0L3ify Then in that case, congratulations.
Stay strong! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks Dr. C! 😁
This is a lot more subtle. The narcissist asks "caring" questions in a sympathetic manner until you take the bait. When you relax and start trusting them they cut you off in mid-sentence with a scowl or say "Bye" and hang up the phone. Or "I've got to go" as if you were holding them against their will.
You are left feeling humiliated from having revealed some personal information that caused the person to act disgusted or bored and abruptly end the conversation/visit or let you know that you have overstayed your welcome.
The feeling of embarrassment is hard to shake off and can cause quite a bit of emotional pain and a feeling of rejection.
Yes I know what you mean! Let's be strong and not reveal anything that makes us vulnerable to the Narcissist anymore!
Exactly!! My covert narcissist mother gets the emotional equivalent of the time & temperature report now - not a single word about my thoughts, opinions, hopes, dreams, worries, struggles, pain, etc. "I've been to the puppet show and I've seen the strings" is my new inner mantra! Her "concern" is all fake anyway, so why put it out there for her to forget or, worse, disdain later? It's telling, to me, that as long as I keep our talks on superficial topics related to her (weather, gardening, books, movies, her home, health, etc) she seems completely oblivious, in curious about me, my family, her grandchildren. Her loss. Her choice. I choose to move on to more meaningful things after a few minutes at the puppet show.
Sooo true. I hate how they dismiss as if it is a privilege to hear there voice.
Every conversation with my sister.
I cannot remember for the life of me what I said, but their response was “oops! You fell off your pedestal!”
Never, EVER share anything with a narcissist. They will turn it around and use it against you. I promise. My former co-worker did. He constantly threw it in their face acting like really cared. He could give a crap about it. He has now turned it on me even using the same words. Don't share. They don't care.
i learned this the hard way w my soon to be ex
Very true.
Omg! That is so true!!!!
Narcissists have a way of seeming charming in the beginning like they're interested in you by asking all kinds of (often personal) questions, possibly without revealing anything except "good" about themselves. In this case it is at the beginning upon meeting where a narcissist gets so much out of you. It could be at any time they do this, but towards the end you've usually caught on to their game and hold back information.
Should be a mantra, don't share, they don't care. Very well put.
The only time my Narc said I was right, was when I said I was wrong.
😂🤣😂🤣 Good or Great that he's out of your life .
Profound. #NailedIt.
Udono Quesabo oh no no no we’re in our 10th year. A decade of utter bliss 🙄
I Love Horses lol
@@bumblebeethoughts9753 I just spoke to my Dad today and he would not accept responsibility and quickly pointed his finger at my Mom. Blame game is sickening. He's been blaming her, demanding, " where is all my money?!" For the past what, 50 years? He wouldn't be responsible and save for his retirement. She did a little, and he made sure he got yo spend it so if he does first, he leaves with her nothing. Sick of being in the middle but I've known him for those almost 50 yrs. I know how he operates. Folks, get away from these kinds of ppl as quick as you can. Be free and happy. Freedom is precious. Don't rush into marriage or get panicked to quickly get married because say, your 29 or something. You could really screw yourself long term!
He pretty much pissed his money away from drinking and he could never save any or think ahead. Good lesson there.
“Discussions turning into debates” which lead to compliance and conformity so they win; your words ring true here, Dr. C. Thank you!
My daughter. Walking on eggs around her All the time. Sad
Yes. It's their way or the highway.
It’s like they’re empty inside and they feed from you...
Thats terrible
No, they do feed off your energy. I have first hand experience.
I am very ill and in my 60s and my narc brother is still pouting. He is a dynamite salesman. I respect sales reps, as those people are needed. I am professor and I learn more from sales reps than they learn from me. And that is great. My narc brother abused his wife and kids and he thanks he is saved and all other family members are not as good. Narcs have got to feel superior. They never want equality. He wants all people to comply with him.
Energy 🧛♂️ 🧛♀️
@@reneetaitt8475 They get energy from direct confrontation. M psychologist explained that to me. They get a "fix." You feel pain but their biggest emotion is anger.
You cannot make a narcissist happy. If you completely bend to their will, they will be unhappy with you for having no backbone. If you do not comply completely with them, you are a traitor.
Don't worry about pleasing anyone all the time.
Do be true to your values and don't let anyone else's behavior be your excuse for betraying your values.
This way lies peace.
The absolute worst effect that is that an as an empathe you accept their bad behaviour because you think that they just have a short fuse this didn't appear to me until I married him. It dawned on me when he resented my time and attention to our baby when he acted like a two year old for not getting the attention he deserved/wanted. But I went blindly on with this horrendous disregard through illness and then working and keeping the home whilst that waste of space didn't even make a cup of tea. My two children the same, lazy around the house and totally self centred. When after 30 years at the age of 52 I decided that it would kill me to stay I filed for divorce then he had a heart attack due to heavy smoking/drinking heavy an I stopped the divorce and looked after him for another six months and then went ahead with divorce which he contested took me to court and finally due to his undisclosed money of his finances had the case thrown out which made the judge angry because it needed to be another session so as he couldn't be trusted I was giiven the right to sell the house without him being involved. As well as having to live there with him giving me another eight months of hell. I have lived nineteen years now in relative happiness still with adult children which brought their problems home to me one heavily drinking and the other with drug taking. But somehow I have overcome and I would urge anyone in this situation to get out any way you can as they are not going to change and become the person you deserve to be.
Wow Joan, I know this may not be a completely rare story in people's lives but you dealt with this in such a compassionate , caring and intelligent way. You showed strength and yet love that should be a guiding light to others. 'Well done' could sound patronising , so I'll just hope that your life ahead credits you with the awesomeness you have shown.
Everything is a transaction when it comes to Narcissists including empathy.
Well said
This has me wondering about someone that would say you owe me... I didn’t let it slide & then would say I was just kidding.
mmmm but alot of people do have narcissistic tendencies.
Truth 💯
well uh. guess my initial gut feeling was right. letting her go now
When my baby daughter died in February my mom, who I am convinced is a narcissist, gave me the worst fake kind of empathy. At one point she got mad at me because she didn’t know how to act around me and I wasn’t being gracious enough to her for being around me and trying to show me empathy. And I owed her. They are selfish all of time. Even when your grieving it’s still about them
So sorry, mostly for your little girl, and for having to navigate this with one who can't access who you are. Peace. Dr. C
What an awful thing to have to go through, so sorry for you and your baby. Oh my. x
Yes. I'm very sorry for your loss. And absolutely it's a pattern for these people to use the worst time of your life to somehow use to their advantage.
S...o v sorry for your great loss!! 😢💔❤🙏
They act like they care so they can go around telling your business to everyone else (especially on social media) along with a story about how empathetic they are. They spend 10x the time patting themselves on the back for being nice as they do acting like they actually care.
Omg yes.
My parents are my narcs. I couldnt open up to them a out ANYTHING big and deeply m personal going on because they would flip out at me and then talk about me to other people because "my business was their business." My dad loved that phrase.. i told my mom about something that devastated me that had happened. She told my dad, which I figured she would. Well he took the "liberty" of telling my uncle without my permission. Now my creep of a cousin knows and he had called me out on Facebook for it, attacking me for something awful I went through so I cussed him out publicly and haven't spoken to him since. Never apologized to me. Later on I find out my aunt was told and she refuses to tell me WHO told her. I adore my aunt. Truly the sweetest, most warm person you could ever meet, but she is protecting the family members! Do I really not have a right to know who she heard it from to protect myself?? I have to assume everyone in my family gossips. Its awful. They reel you in jusy enough to get sensitive information then spew it all over for others and/or verbally attack you if they don't like it and take away privileges. So upsetting and damaging. Traumatic.
@Lovie Bryant oh man...thats awful!!! I am so sorry you couldn't confide in any family members. Of all the people in our lives family should be the safest place! Good for you for going no contact. My contact has become less and less and it has greatly improved my life so I feel you on that!!! Much more peaceful. You have to take care of yourself! Kudos! 👏👏👏👏
@Lovie Bryant wow, that's crazy!!! It definitely felt like my parents watched me too close too but in different ways. Totally uncalled for, I was a good kid and young adult! 🙄 happy you are able to block them from your life and hopefully move away to start fresh 😊
And they might be the cause of the problems at the same time, too! Most likely the are.. And then they belittle you to others and fake to be your protector/savior who you couldn't live without. It's totally evil.
One of my siblings is exactly like this!!
My ex was good at faking empathy, even claiming to be an empath, himself. It’s those rare times that they fake empathy and show a sign of humanity that you fall for their BS, thinking that they have finally seen the light and will change. It’s all lies, though!
I've seen that a narcissist will make up any damn thing to try to snow people over and get the attention they desperately want.
My dad was faking empathy so badly, he mentally scarred me.
It could be a trigger from back in the days they would have to plead and cry for an extra serve of dessert at the dinner table. 😁
@@bertzerker747 My dad has the empathy of a brick, I mirrored him when he did something fake to me and was expecting my reaction, my reaction was also of a brick, also I added some words to underline how much I ''feel''. 😂 Since then, we don't have any relationship, he acts like a demon sometimes and is revengeful.
have you seen those fake surviving narcisistic abuse channels promoting revenge on narcisists. wow just wow.
I am on the autistic spectrum and I often wonder how many people with aspergers get labelled as narcissists. Normal human functions such as empathy don't come as naturally to some of us and we have to learn cognitively how to connect with others. It can take a huge amount of concentration to put ourselves in someone elses experience and decipher what they might be feeling. Many people are undiagnosed and can seem narcissistic but really its just autism. I think those of us that worry we are narcissists can fall into this category as a real narcissist wouldn't have the capacity to feel that kind of concern, as far as i'm aware. From my understanding the difference between a person with a narcissitic personality and someone with just aspergers is that the person with aspergers cares and is willing to put the work in. Even though it doesn't come naturally they want to understand others and change their behaviour if they're actions are hurting someone else. A narcissist however is too overwhelmed by shame to be able to contemplate their mistakes and change their behaviour and they try to avoid pain at all costs, even if it costs their nearest and dearest. And of course people can be autistic and have a personality disorder due to their upbringing and the shame they experienced during childhood.
I like to say that my brain is autistic but my heart isn't and I think we can all struggle with empathy sometimes because our culture seems to actively encourage us to think with our cold logical brains and not with our feeling, loving hearts.
Beautiful share.
Thank you! 💛 there is both asperger's and narcissism in my family - both sides appear self-centered and are very difficult, but it is so obvious that the asperger's is shining love and kind intention while the narcissism is a dark, depraved swamp. But so strange how the outside layers appear similar. Wonder if asperger's accidentally used a narcissist as a model for "normal" human behavior. Shit. Maybe that's me, too.
Don't beat yourself up. It's a spectrum. You know how empathetic you are. Don't let people take advantage. God bless
Beautiful ❤
So true about the you owe me mentality they don’t do anything for free EVER they always expect pay back
TRUE !!!
My husband makes pay him for any work he does for me while I cook and do every bit of work around the home now he refuses to work for me unless I pay him first and tells his family I do not pay him when I direct debit his pay into his bank account always! He no longer lives with me all the time but stays for long periods. He bullied me to sell my home which I purchased with insurance money from my only son who died by suicide he calls me suicide blonde and always uses my sons death to control me. I sold the house and within a month of buying a new home he moved into the spare room contacted a lawyer and told him I was loaded and he had nothing and thought himself deserving of 30 thousand dollars because he used his ute to move my furniture the lawyer told him that after only 1 year of marriage he may have some trouble especially as he contributed nothing. The most evil creature who ever lived.
Michelle Commerford wow that is sickening I hope you will soon find the strength to not deal with him at all anymore
He is ill.
IKR! My narc husband guilt trips the kids and me all the time. He tries to make it seem like it’s because he cares about us that he gives us all these things, but we know the truth - it’s so he can brag to people, and then turn around and tell them how ungrateful we are for it. I’ve told him that we would gladly give it all up and be happily poor if it meant that we had a good relationship together - a happy family. Tears and promises of change followed, along with, “I don’t want us all to be miserable.” Next morning, “I want to talk to you. . .” Since then, we’ve been living under his emotional storm clouds - no one can do right. He keeps watching and waiting for us to screw up.
“Fool’s Gold” is a perfect description.
Or as novelist William Faulkner described the character of his Sanctuary villain, it had "the vicious depthlessness of stamped tin."
My friend wrote a song called this after her relationship with a narcissist, it reminded me of my relationship with one!
Especially when we are talking about romantic relationship when we need and accept this "empathy" as proof that this person care about us, and if it's charming for use, we are stuck in this belief. At least for a while...
My wife when talking about anything good: me me me I I I me me
My wife when talking about something bad: you you you you.
My wife when shes lying about something big that shes done: silence
EXACTLYYYYYYYYY
neorev01 you: bye bye..never look back, enjoy YOUR life without it.
All of us here know and believe you because the same has happened to us too. It is probably useless to call out your wife when she does those things, don't give a reaction if possible just talk with anyone who won't let your reactions get back around to her. And hide your passwords.
They also feel entitled to take credit for the good others have done, and then throw the others under the bus.
Spot on!!😆
I have been stung so many times I have an anaphylactic reaction when I am near them. At least I know now to walk away and keep closed.
Looking forward to this talk. So much to learn in this narc world. My soon to be EX husband is a FULL NARC. He shows ZERO empathy towards others, including me. I'll never forget the various times I had to go to the ER (I'm in bad health) where he would sit there and sulk because the doctors spoke to me (the patient) about different tests they were scheduling, and not him. Twice, at two different hospitals, he walked out of the ER and went home. When I had emergency heart surgery, and was in the hospital 10 days, he only came to see me once and stayed only 10 minutes. When he sees hungry and homeless people, he would look at them in disgust and even laugh.
He THRIVES being admired. He INSISTED that I use terms of endearment daily, such as "honey" "sweetie" "dear" etc etc EVERY DAY; throughout the day.. If I forgot, he would whine and many times he would go ballistic over that alone. In one of his meltdowns he INSISTED to go and find a woman, pay her $50 per hour, bring her to our home, so she can use terms of endearment EVERY 10 MINUTES. I was shocked and became nauseated. I could probably write a manual of what to look out for in the 11 months we were married. The manual would read like a psychological thriller SCARY NIGHTMARE. To whomever is reading this: PLEASE pay attention to the signs EARLY ON. PLEASE do NOT allow yourself to be treated like this. You/I DESERVE BETTER!! We DESERVE LOVE AND CARE!
Blessings to all of you. May we all come out stronger from this experience.
@Private Account Thank you very much for your reply Colin. I went through hell in the 11 months we were married. I consider my self very lucky AND blessed it was not longer. I'm starting to feel a little better already. I am working to get better from the SEVERE PTSD I developed while I was with him. Take care and be well my friend. Sending you love and hugs from NYC!❤❤
He sounds like a mad bastard, but it would also be interesting to know what he was like before you got married.Probably a complete U-turn I'd guess.
@@emotown1 I am slowly finding out what he was like before we met and got married. Many things confirmed by neighbors that approached me to ask me if I was alright because the whole neighborhood heard his ranting, raving, throwing things out the windows, like toasters, ashtrays, ceramic and glass coffee cups, plates of food, my cell phone, etc etc.. and very loud noises from breaking things, such as my laptop. On day I left him, as I was getting in taxi, two neighbors congratulated me on leaving. They told me they were worried about my safety. Same neighbors told me that he had broken all the windows in his apartment from the inside 12 years earlier. There seems to be a continuous pattern of past violence with him. I WISH I had KNOWN any of this. I feel very lucky that I got out before he killed me. I thank God EVERY DAY, it was ONLY 11 months.
Thank you for replying.
Hey.... Your comment made me laugh.... Thank you, I needed that! May God/Jesus Christ bless you and your family.... Have a blessed day.... 🙏🏼❤️
@Lovie Bryant YES INDEED Lovey. I did "see" it. But I ignored it. BIG MISTAKE. I am starting to feel better. Discovering Dr. Carter, his wonderful and oh so helpful videos has helped me ALOT and has set me to my road of FULL recovery. Dr. Carter has a very supportive kind and understanding community of followers. I feel lucky and blessed in discovering Dr. Carter's channel. Bless Dr. Carter, you and his other followers.
Thank you much for replying.
Whatever a narcissist does be it cruel or kind, ultimately "I'm doing this for me" always be vigilant and on your guard.
Our own mother warned me not to tell my brother anything, while he seemed to be sympathetic, because he would throw it back in your face sometime later.
Ultimately, it's all an info gathering mission on their part.
same here ):
Yes!!big brother KRN ruined every family vacation '"outing"'me
"'Guess what CAROL DID? HIS fave phrase
My parents LOVED HATING ME! he enjoyed it so; drama and punishment forCAROL
Carol Nahigian my ex did and still does the same to me! “Everything was my fault “and he would make up horrible lies smearing my name to my children and others projecting and blameshifting all his abuse of myself and my children back onto me
His evil destructive path never ends
My covert narc sister did this. And the worse part about it - her laugh. They enjoy hurting you both emotionally & physically. My mother is an overt narc. They double teamed me. I'm a more introverted person, HSP & an empath. Didn't know about myself until watching these kinds of vids last year. I have been NC with my sister over 11 yrs now.
Or to get what they want. I see them at work manipulate our union president who is sick. They pretend to care and then try to advance their own cause. They are sick people. Demented and far removed from reality. They get the vulnerable ones. They make them feel worse and they still don't get what they want because the majority knows they are toxic.
They say , " I hear you ."
Nope . Don't fall for it . Walk away .
Much different than, “I’m listening”
They do not want to hear you.
It’s like a friend told me once, “They listen to reply, not to hear.” So true!
They are using "I hear you" as a way to dismiss without response or acknowledgement. You know by the context when someone is fake or not, usually it's a pattern.
Unfortunately if you try to warn someone else still there faling for it that could make them go after you for retribution.
Thank you so much for this! My mother is a nurse and a narcissist, and your description of the doctor is just like her. Her patients think she is an angel, but that isn't the truth. Unfortunately the person she pretends to be is not the person she is in the rest of her life. If you are someone she is supposed to care about (kids, family, husband (4 and counting...) boyfriend, etc.) forget it. If you are a complete stranger she is the most loving, kind, empathetic person ever. "False empathy" sums it up perfectly. Thank you!
They seem to care more what strangers think of them than family.
When my 'friend' started calling in her favors, man oh man. Feeding the cat is one thing but the stuff she wanted me to do was incriminating. Mind blown. I put that to an end.
Good points. These narcs are crafty, cunning and dangerous.
This was the hardest part about growing up with a narcissistic mother, aside from the gaslighting. Once I got past that and realized I wasn’t crazy and she was just manipulative, it became really hard to stomach how fake she was in front of others. I felt like no one believed me, they all just thought she was so charming and caring and I was just a moody, ungrateful child. I learned not to even try to convince others anymore, eventually they see it for themselves. Her best friend doesn’t speak to her anymore but I’m still friends with her on Facebook and it’s sad to say, but it feels so nice to have her support now and to feel seen.
Yes, and people believe her over me, even when it's about what I felt like. For example, my aunt said "your mom told me you're embarrassed to be seen with her." I was stunned, because it wasn't true. But my mom wasn't a liar...was she? She was very religious, she wouldn't lie, I thought. I was thinking, AM I embarrassed to be seen with her? It didn't make sense though, because she was very stylish and people said she was gorgeous - why would I be embarrassed? So, I told my aunt that I wasn't. She said "Well, your mom says you ARE." I think my grandmother (dad's mother) was the only one who could see it...to an extent.
Age does add a different dimension. When I was young the narcmom had me and my dad convinced we were a waste of oxygen. But after my dad became incapacitated, he tried to explain to me how ‘she ‘ abused him. He assumed I would think he was lying. When I explained that I understood, because I was raised by that same violent woman, he nearly cried. It does feel good to finally feel seen or heard.
This is basically my life. My dad spent my upbringing telling all our family members how I was just this monster of a kid growing up even though he was barely around or disciplined me much. The psychological damage to me has done something I cant even put into words. I basically stopped talking to my grandmother because she thought I was this awful person and I couldn't convince her otherwise because my dad is so manipulative. I just moved back in with my dad at 30 and 2 weeks in it all starts up again. He gave me some money for real estate school ( $450 ) and now he acts like I owe him the world.
I suspect this same thing with my mother. It’s been maddening. Some traits passed on to me.
Narcs have an empathy of an alligator. No matter how much they hurt and damage people around them they still consider themselves good and righteous people, when in reality they are the worst people ever.
The Narcissists in my life really got me thinking i was just paranoid and they convinced me that they are "actually the nice people with lots of empathy" and everyone else is mean. I’m so sick of this manipulation. Not anymore.
Gee lol, geeeeezzzzz
As a covert narcissist this video
helps me a lot to copy with some
angry individuals just like you guys.
By the way I have a pekingese include
3 cat's and I truly care about them.
As about human beings just like you
I feel absolutely nothing zero empathy.
In my eyes you're just another mere
object
@@dritanstojanovic4576 If that’s true I feel sorry for you
When I started to set boundaries, that's when my vulnerable narcissist got worse. It was a sure sign for me!
The empathy that my ex-husband directed my way when I was struggling was all about data-gathering. He ended up exploiting the confidences I shared with him, twisting my words and perpetuating lies, and using my vulnerability and insecurities as justification for him to cheat and pursue other women.
Very similar. It stinks. My wife cheated several times. It takes your seld esteem away and they know it. It seems the one who is abused is the one who wants the relationship to work....and when it doesn't is the most hurt. Dr.C sure does a great job.
Thorvald Melum, yes, and often the one who wants the relationship to work and gets hurt the most is also the last one to know their spouse has been cheating on them.
"let TIME show you what it really is." Well said!
Narcisists want to conquer you and make you to comply and submit. Empathy is such a beautiful quality and it is rooted in respect and gentle care. Dear dr Carter, Thank you for your immense help and support.
I said along with you flawlessly, the narcissists favorite word is, "ME." Yep!
I worry about being a narcissist. My therapist laughed when I confessed this fear to her. To be honest, I use humor to cope with difficult feelings, so i said it in a funny way. Lol but i tell you, her laughter was exactly what i needed. A professional, in studying the human emotions and states of mind, thought the idea of me being a narcissist was laughable. Haha I laughed too. It opened my mind up to accepting that maybe I'm kind of silly for thinking I'm a narcissist. Objectively speaking, I'm on the other end of the spectrum from narcissistic. I have almost no narcissism, even healthy narcissism. Setting boundaries is hard as hell for me, because I so completely get myself trapped in another person's shoes. I forget I have feelings too, and that they matter and are valid. Codependency is so common in those who identify as empaths or highly empathetic. It comes naturally to empathize with, and want to help and make happy, other people. Ugh. I sound pretentious. Sorry if I come off that way! Lol I'm just saying, it's okay to love yourself the way you love other people. After all, you are the only person who is capable of loving you for exactly who you are. You can know your flaws and issues, and you can love yourself anyway. You can let yourself love your good qualities and quirks. For me, loving myself despite my pit falls, has helped me access more patience and calm firmness with others, without the expense being to my mental or physical health. I can set boundaries, and am learning to set them in an appropriate way. Once you realize how unfairly you're being treated, you can feel angry or protective. Just remember that our emotions dont get to decide our actions alone. Wisdom and confidence in your right to be treated fairly, will help you respond with patience and calm firmness.
Yes indeed, and in the case of a narcissist, sometimes "no reaction at all" sends them the message that they aren't going to get narcissistic supply out of you. Be well, and save your reactions, no matter how calm, for people who have your best interest at heart, as you do for them.
@@danielkaiser8971 yes! You're right.
@@danielkaiser8971 and thank you 😊
I get it. I've been there. Our intuition is developed to be responsive to other people's needs because we've grown up in an unhealthy household.
When I was a kid I went to a Gem Show in the Nevada Desert. A bunch of rock collectors came to display their polished rocks and thunder eggs etc. I was given a roll of paper towels becuz my job was to clean the display cases. I fell in luv with rocks! But there was a particular rock that looked like a chunk of pure gold!! Then someone told me it was fools gold. This rock was so mesmerizing, I was amazed it wasn't real! Nevada is known for its gold and silver panning of days gone by. It's a shame no one taught me the spiritual point and moral of the story right then about the difference between the genuine and the fraudulent characteristics of those we come in contact with in life. Wouldn't we all have been spared alot of grief.
This video is so “right on the money”! It is EXHAUSTING to try to figure these people out. How they can convince themselves that their deplorable actions are appropriate is mind boggling. Time, and experiences with them, tell everything. Thank you again for a lovely video! Hi to Gus!
Really exhausting, its like a job, all about them is so false.
Judy YES I agree!!!!!
They don't have to convince themselves that their deplorable behavior is okay, because they are the only worthy being on the planet, and you don't have any right to your own feelings, let alone to anything else. That is how things in their little world work.
I've wasted nearly 40 years of my life being married to 2 narcs. I'm thankful for your videos Dr. I'm waking up to a very painful reality.
God is my strength.
God is your best ally during recovery.
God is your best ally at ALL times. I love Him!
Now that you are out of an abusive environment, you will be able to heal. And the more you heal from toxic abuse, the more intolerable it will be for you to be around toxic people. Please ensure that you are kind to yourself now and in the future, don't waste energy fretting over the time that has already passed. You have been through far too much suffering already, there is no point in suffering all over again, in case you tend to ruminate or feel regret or resentment for the past. Be well.
@@danielkaiser8971
Thank you Daniel for your kind, supportive words.
I'm always on my guard when someone says how empathetic they are, how good they are, or relies on virtue signaling, or belittles others that the receiving person lack empathy. If is person has many positive traits they will reveal themselves, as will negative ones.by their actions and in time their words.
Absolutely yes. It's refreshing comments like yours that the world is learning about narcissism, because we live in interesting times where so many people in society are angry and unhappy and even being misled.
@@danielkaiser8971 Thanks
Yes, me too these days. I had a narc friend who was always going on about how ''woke'' she was and how much she cared and did for others, and the planet etc, while at the same time judging and belittling everyone around her, including me of course. I just sit back and watch as people reveal thier true natures now, especially the virtue signallers.
so true about empaths needing to have boundaries... I was referred to shungite for energetic boundary assistance. now, I use it everywhere.
I recently separated from my narcissist husband. He blames me for everything thing. I was in an abuse marriage.
Yes know your pain
Right there with you. Wasted my youth in miserable emotionally abusive marriage with a narc.
shelby lane same here! So many wasted years of putting up with my malignant npd ex husband verbal and physical abuse and cheating
Falling for his pathological lies fake apologies denials gaslighting .....fooled into thinking we’re building a family and life together
When All along hes diabolically plotting masterminding mine and my children’s destruction and ultimate disposal
😣 DAMN IT, BE STRONG !
HE'LL TRY AS HE MIGHT TO GET YOU BACK, HE'LL PLAY THAT 'HE WAS WRONG' BS.
😔 IT'S NOT THEY CAN'T CHANGE OR TRY TO BUT IS A MENTAL DEFECT THAT THEY CAN'T SEPARATE FROM REALITY.
😘 IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY THEN FIGHT FOR IT & DON'T GIVE IN...
STAY AWAY FROM ALL NEGATIVITY UNTIL YOU'RE STRONGER ENOUGH TO HAVE REBUILT YOUR IDENTITY.
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN !
😒 GOT 'NO' IN YOUR VOCABULARY ?
Does anyone have advice for someone with kids who desperately wants out, but doesn’t know where to look for resources. I’m financially dependent on my narc husband.
This is how they get back in good standing with you. Gets you talking to them again
jluttjoh,You look cute,Hope you are not with a narcissist....
Oh my God this will be hot!! My ex who I am almost certain is a narcissist told me after dating her a few weeks that she was an Empath. I had never heard of an Empath until then. After researching it...my thought was this could be good because even though I'm not an empath I have alot of empathic ways. After about 3 months I never saw any genuine compassion or empathy and became suspicious. She literally lied about being and empath and faked some of the attributes. It was all a lie and trickery to hide what she really was. Yall be careful out there!!!
@xbbradley I went through the same thing with an ex friend who screwed me over really bad, she claimed to be an empath as well and talked about how her kids' dad was a Narcissist!!!! She did me so wrong behind my back after I helped pay a ton of bills for her when her mom was dying plus many other things I did for her! A friendship for 9 years and I had no clue she was a Covert Narcissist!
My narcissistic friend proclaimed her empath skills...ya not at all, her only sympathy was for herself.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
That’s an odd thing to proclaim. Most empaths don’t announce it like that. It’s not the first thing on your mind. They will show empathy in many ways.
@@starkiss77 They proclaim it in the assumption that you are too stupid to see their true self as it becomes obvious to you over time. Also, liars use words to convince you of their lies. Liars sure as He// won't be able to show you empathy in their behavior.
They have no clue what empathy really is.
The first malignant n I fell for, 40 years ago, was excellent at false empathy. She was getting her degree in counseling, but behind their backs she was brutal. She created constant drama for me to support her through. I was worn out in five long months and it took me years to recover, ultimately having to be honest about my own desperate search for the love that was always inside me.
@Mary Carroll you nailed it. healing the self is a hero's journey
you can feel it when someone is fake. you may lie to yourself cause shes pretty but after some solitude and thinking alone and a little self examination you start to piece together everything. just takes me time cause im slow and stubborn.
They are so transparent, I have 2 people around me like this who I’m onto and they know it!
Just make sure they won't hold a grudge forever if you call them out, because they will remember it forever.
It's so confusing.
I express how frustrating it is to be ignored and dismissed , insulted and disrespected, but it never changes.
The nice and fun and intelligent and wonderful guy , that he honestly is , disappears the moment I point out that he was rude and insensitive to his children or strangers on the street, or myself.
I approach all of these things with my best ability. I have no intention of putting him down.
It's really hard to explain.
I got cheated on for years and according to him...it's my fault he lied and pretended he was something that he was not.
He definitely isn't accepting accountability or working to mend the damage he has caused to the relationship. I hope you are managing as best you can. Be well.
That is Classic, typical. Finally divorced after decades and investigating suspected affairs ! Was I shocked at his Secret Lives.
But, he blames me, denies physical assault.
They are completely in another world of their own reality. Wish I had divorced sooner, life is so peaceful now.
Curiosity can't be faked. We all ask "how are you?" In order to elicit canned answers, but when an individual breaks the mold and says something unusual, the empathetic person doesn't get annoyed. They sense the need of the other to connect. It pulls at your heartstrings, especially if you hear grief or stress in their voice. Sometimes the answer is the same, but the tone is honest. Yesterday, my coworker did this very things. She said she was fine, and I thought about saying "come on tell me what's happened" but I am trying to not pressure folks to talk. So I just said, "I think you may need to talk, and if you do I love you and I am here to listen.". She is a very empathetic person, and I really admire her in that regard because she's helped me to build my own empathy, maybe without even knowing it, so she tends to take on stress. I wonder if she has a place to share or just vent. Thank you doctor C, I have really found see great insights from your videos.
Dear Dr. Carter, apart from your videos being very informative, your manner of talking on these topics is very reassuring.
Thank you. Dr. C
This is all so true. What a mind game. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.
Signs You're With a Narcissist👇
A grandiose sense of self-importance.
A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
A need for excessive admiration.
Also lack of empathy and complete disregard for your problems, feelings etc which are never interesting enough in comparison with immensely important things that narcissists deal with.
there is a pandemic
Fax
A nerd for excessive admiration.
My cousin and sisters
Amen!! Been there. Done that. Got lots of scars. But, he played himself. I am away from him and having a much better life in spite of everything he did. 😊
It’s amazing to me how well Dr Les knows these personalities! What a shocking reality!
My narcissistic sister-in-law tries soooooo hard to "sound" empathetic.
She recites inspirational quotes, catch-phrases and buzz-words all the time, but lacks the ability to conjure up any semblance of emotion to accompany it. So she comes off sounding robotic.
She's a very cold, hard and indifferent individual.
Anytime she introduces me to someone, she always makes sure she tells the other person this about me...as I'm standing there..."we're not friends. We're not close. We just get along."
After experiencing this several times, I asked her why she felt the need to inject that phrase into every introduction, she said, "well, we're not friends or close. I don't say it to hurt your feelings, I'm just being honest." 😂 The funny thing is, she doesn't have any friends at all.
Very Enlightening for me. This helps with the lifelong conflict with a narcissist in my inner circle.
I am looking forward to this talk. There is a person in my family who is well known to us as a narcissist. (Perhaps not full NPD, but on the upper part of the intensity scale.) Both she and her husband are low-empathy individuals, although the husband's diminished empathy level may likely be due to being her victim; since married, he has become extremely submissive to her, and will acquiesce to virtually any command she gives him. During their decade of marriage together, he has been "trained" to have few positions, opinions, or feelings of his own without first having her permission. Her son was in therapy by the age of five, although he was quickly removed when the therapists began to peer too closely into his parental relationships. Friends, colleagues, churches, and even family are discarded effortlessly by her. Having considerable experience with highly narcissistic personalities, we understood ow to maintain peace with her, and she has regularly come to us for validation. It was incredulous when she came to us one day and proclaimed that "I am an empath!" Wait, what? Unfortunately, because we knew better than to question or counter her claim, she ran with it. Honestly, I don't know if she really believes it or not. And that is the insight I am hoping to get in your talk. Thank you again for giving us understanding and helping us to cope with these (dare I say it) "monsters".
Michael, I think I have one of these in my family, also. My sister in law. My poor "worthless" brother, her husband, would be in the gutter without her, she said to me one time. Truth is, my brother was beaten down so badly by our father, that he has very little self confidence. It's nearly impossible for me to be near them, because my brother thinks the world of this woman. That she's is so caring and kind. She's got the acting down to a believable level. "We're a team, he says." My only thought is, cross her and find out for yourself, buddy, how much of a team you think you are and have been all of these years. But he won't.
Pretty sure we know the same person! They are prolific these days.
Feel like it's pretty common for narcissists to consider themselves empaths. My mother is exactly like that. When I was in high school, I used to self harm because of untreated (and quite extreme) anxiety that I still struggle with to this day. Instead of getting me help, she would whine to me asking if understand how hard it is for HER to have a kid with mental problems and saying I should be more sympathetic and supportive. She has also been emotionally abusive with my sister for years, and now that we're older, she just can't grasp why my sister doesn't really want to talk to her anymore.
@Michael what would happen if you were to question her for being an empath?
Poor guy!!
I was concerned that I had become a narcissist because my mother was one. I have been no contact with her for 6 months, and still have nightmares... That aside, I was a TERRIBLE salesperson, because I simply can't lie! But when I honestly believe in my skills and knowledge, I am successful.
I do still think I need to work on my empathy.
I am good in a crisis - I run into it for other people. I have literally run into life threatening situations. But I still wonder if it was ego-driven. That said, I had the training and felt a responsibility. I once purposely made a parent angry with me in order to show their child they were worth defending.
On the one hand, that's the opposite of narcissism. But is it narcissistic to be proud of that?
My experience with narcissists has involved every kind of abuse. But I also know that abuse and manipulation can be far more subtle, and I often question my motives.
Anyway, thank you for your insights.
All of us have learned the toxic traits through being abused, and we are able to use them to cope or defend ourselves from abuse. We learn them and eventually put them aside when our lives get better, but we remember them to directly identify future abusers with the same abusive traits. In the meantime while healing we may carry residual defense behaviors, but eventually those wear off but are also remembered so that we are wiser for the wear. Survivors also remember the traits to help identify and help heal other survivors, as well as continue healing themselves. It's all part of the process.
I have a similar problem. Being married to a narcissist for many years left me feeling confused about myself. One of his tactics was accusing me of saying and doing mean, selfish things which had never even crossed my mind. He would throw violent rages at me for these false accusations. Over the years I became so confused that I tape recorded our conversation so I could keep my mind straight. Sure enough the recordings proved his accusations to be false. But it still eroded and confused my psychological integrity. So, I often still wonder if I’m unknowingly being a narcissist just like him.
Excellent. Very helpful. It sometimes seems as if the most proficient actors are not in Hollywood or on your TV screen, they are in your living space, in your workplace, or down your street. Their “empathy” is just an act. Don’t fall for “Fool’s Gold”...!
Holy shit. I'm blown away how specifically accurate you are 🤯
I can always tell fake empathy when a person tries to convince me that they have empathy for something or someone. Real empathy comes natural, you don't have to convince someone you have it.
Spot on!
This differentiation between compassionate empathy and cognitive empathy is true, I think. Narcissists will ask you all sorts of personal questions, not because they care about you, but they are just gathering data about you to be able to figure out your strengths and , especially, weaknesses , in order to use this information against you strategically in the future. This sort of figuring you out is cognitive, and represents the extent of their empathy. Also, the "crocodile tears" sort of sympathy they can express is always about them, I find. It may look like they are hurting on behalf of someone else who is in pain, but the way they muster the affect of sympathy is by thinking about themselves being hurt, not about the other person. It's a fantasy. That's why such displays of sympathy or regret are shallow and short-lived. They'll cast it off in a few minutes and display uncaring coldness to the person whose plight they were just welling up about.
I really love those closures about peace -- "and then become a giver of peace." Wow! Thank you, Dr. C. I do feel more peaceful❣️
I then listened to "What the World Needs Now Is Love" as sung by Jackie DeShannon, and I'd like to give that back to you now.
Love received! Thanks Ellen. Dr. C
My ex narc reckoned she would make a good Relationship Counsellor because she had an empathic mindset. Needless to say I hadn't known her long at the time!
Looking back now it was a bit like King Herod claiming he would make a good babysitter.
LMAO !! Exactly!!!
THE AUDACITY...😂
LOL! Excellent last sentence to make your point! Thanks for making me laugh!
It’s like guys who are always talking about alpha males, or how to become an alpha male. Alphas never talk about being alpha. Empathic people rarely talk about empathy, it has been my experience.
@@C.Hawkshaw
It's the same with Christianity. People who are serious Christians have no need to shout it from the rooftops. They just live it.
I recently went through this with my narcissistic step-daughter prior to my husband’s death. Even as sick as he was, he could see through her false empathy. She yelled at him that he “owed it” to her to call her everyday and give her a blow by blow of how he was feeling, what was going on, etc.. He died of lung cancer that metastasized to his brain and at the end, was bed-ridden, could barely see or speak because the tumor was putting pressure on the brain stem. One day while in the room with him she began wailing and a couple people in the family ran upstairs to check on her. It was all for show! I don’t think she has a genuine bone or feeling in her body.
This topic is SO important!!!
Thank you Dr. Les Carter for this video as I find myself relating with the empathy-lacking end of the spectrum and I think even empathy-lacking people get fooled by empathy-faking people who lack boundaries.
I was talking about false empathy like an hour ago, perfect timing.
It doesn't really seem like empathy at all. If or when it is really false it sounds false. I don't fall for the caring narrative, I just detect the illogic it drives from and try a little harder not to embrace it on my own part. These telltales resemble the hidden motive. Like a child lying about how much extra sugar they ate...
If it is extremely false perhaps a direct lie then usually the empathy is a little more restrained, it then comes across more or less as a manipulation tactic, not fooled by manipulation after you get to know them. That ties in with Dr Carter's analogy of sales people, but with the ones you live with, the sale is never closure.
@@bertzerker747 You're right! I'm at the stage where I have to prove stuff with pictures and month and date, It's pathetic, they deny the truth so much and contradict themselves in 30 seconds and when I prove I was right, they transform this in an argue. I live in such a toxic environment, everybody is fooled by the narcs I know, I feel like living with zombies.
I was talking about my narcs false empathy last night... I was surprised when this video showed up in my feed. Definitely perfect timing.
Conditional-empathy is what you're talking about. Agreed.
They learn how to “act”. They are ACTORS.
How can anyone dislike this content? Wow must be exposed narcs?
Thanks Dr. Carter, you are so good at this. You and Gus should be proud of the work you do. You never fail to help me feel balanced.
With every different video you talk about one of my sisters or my mother. This video is the particular sister that I've always said when she does me a favor I owe her 3 in return. And her favors never equal mine. If I can't do it, she looks at me with utter disbelief that I dare say no. Im just the most horrible person. I've always said that my family has tried to break me. They're just waiting for the thing that I finally do that will justify everything they've ever felt about me. So far, nothing has come of that, I don't think it ever will. This particular sister has picked me up from 3 outpatient surgeries and left me in the parking lot of various stores waiting in the car because she didn't want to have to backtrack. So I had to wait to get home after surgery. I finally started asking friends. What a tremendously different experience. Thanking God for strength. ♡
Thank you so much for what you do! I was raised by a narcissists, and married 2 for 20 yrs each. It took me awhile to realize that I finally met someone who honestly cared. I was so used to the drama that I thought he didn't care at first because he didn't try to persuade me, but wanted me to think on my own. The last 8 years have been a God send. For the 1st time I really love my life. I needed your encouragement and information to enlighten me that what I was experiencing was not love, but abuse.
This is one of my favorite videos b/c the narc in my life is actually a Holistic Practitioner in our community. I went to her house as a retreat from the city during the beginning of the pandemic, thinking maybe it would be easier since it wasn't Thanksgiving or Xmas. WRONG! The difference was that b/c there wasn't snow on the ground she wanted help with her yardwork. Ok, that was a gift in VERY strange packaging, and I made a list of everything I gained from the experience. Thank you again Dr. Carter.
A lot of animal rescues,rescuers,trappers, hoarders do this.So be aware.They absolutely hate me because I call them out. They hate me because I post how every cent I receive in donations is spent. Hate me because I do home visits and looking term follow up for every animal I adopt out. Most rescuers do not do this. They keep the money and put the animals down, dump at a shelter,or adopt to anyone based on an application. If you demand a follow up, they just say the animal was adopted.I have never seen so much fake empathy and secret abuse in my life. Very judgemental,controlling, etc-
Sometimes the animal rescuer/hoarders are extremely obsessed with the animals, but treat their family like trash. My sister is like that anyway.
Perhaps there is hope. One local shelter in my area requires the original owner to keep ("foster") the animals until a new actual owner sees the profile online and responds to it. The shelter's job is to vaccinate, medicate and spay/neuter the animal (if not already proved to be done with medical records) at the time of the transfer from the original owner to the new owner.
Thank you for your videos. I have found them to be the most accurate and straightforward and empathic that I have ever listened to. And I have listened to hundreds over many years. The covert narcissists are unbelievably difficult to recognize, especially within religion. Finally you have defined the narcissists in my life and I am forever grateful.
I just left a narrastic relationship with a friend. OMG . I left so fast it would make your head spin. But I learned so much. I am free from things I grew up from by this situation. I am able to see and understand things I would not of understood as a child with a narrastic parent and to understand my behavior. I am not narrastic but during a fight with a real one I can see my Narrastic tendencies I could have if I did not educate myself and until I listened to these videos and upon leaving the relationship I was prepared and will be prepared in future to deal with her and others and in my family. what a fantastic experience. yes it ugly and I hate how I was treated but can't stay a victim. lots of healing coming from this experience. I can learn to forgive and move on in peace. very liberating
So many things make sense now, since watching your videos for 8 months now. I started divorce proceedings in Nov. Best decision I've ever made.
They love hitting below the belt, they think they're so perfect! 🤦♀️ smh
A great comment I once read - 'Don't let your strength be your weakness'. Empathy is a strength but my weakness has been not understanding boundaries and setting consequences. But, as you say, knowledge is power. All of these pointers you provide are like pieces in the jigsaw of self-protection. Thanks again Dr C for another very valuable video. 💜
PS Matthew 7 verses 17-20 so accurately describes what you say, its not the appearance of ''good' that matters...it's the 'fruit produced' . Some 'fruit' takes a while to mature but
when it does, is it helpful..... or harmful.
Thank you again for this valuable information which you provide so carefully and compassionately. Sometimes I feel as if I will never be able to stop attracting narcissists no matter how hard I work in my own therapy and self care, they just seem to come in an endless array of disguises and have an unlimited arsenal of tactics. But your videos are very helpful. They also help me begin the process of trusting myself and learn how to protect myself especially when I am around narcissists in situations I cannot escape, like at work.
Narcissists have a way of detecting people who are psychologically vulnerable, or who avoid conflict, who please others, and those who have difficulty saying no. Among other things. Years ago I had these traits.
But over time I noticed that some toxic people started avoiding me, especially the ones who were self-entitled. I had learned to give only when I could, and when someone was in genuine need due to no fault of their own that I could see for myself. For me, "no" has been a very powerful narcissist repellant. So has, "what will I get out of It? Make me an offer I can't refuse" followed by "no". Narcissists hate to waste effort on anything that doesn't give them immediate gratification.
Maybe my story has something helpful for you. Be kind to yourself now and always.
I don't know if you read all your comments, or how notifications work with uploaders, but every video of your entering my feed is exciting me. It's like you're in my head.
I think what makes narcissists so hard to understand is that it is so hard to believe anybody could be that way! They are actually very simple - completely selfish.
That's true. Narcissists are not very interesting people, once you get their behavioral patterns down, they are fairly easy to predict and demonstrate a fairly mundane and boring mentality. Behind their false persona, there really isn't much of anything else.
It is indeed exhausting. I find good people invigorate me. Narcissists make me depressed and incredibly upset. They are so destructive that all I can picture is a black hole.
We have to admit at some point that we share some deficiencies with our narcissitic abusers -- that we, ourselves, take on some narcisstic qualties just to survive what they put us through. I know that we can feel this in ourselves and that we want to grow beyond it. It's reassuring to watch these videos because if Dr. Carter can figure it out and share it with us, then we can figure it out too and start to move closer to coming out the other side of it.
Mine does this and it fooled me for many years. But it only fooled me because i wasn't used to receiving real, genuine empathy. I started realizing that he wasn't really very interested in what I said and that even though he was nodding and acting like he was listening, he was really detached most of the time and didn't even hear what I was saying, and he certainly didn't FEEL it. He did manage to retain some things, but only so he could use them against me later, when he needed it in the moment. Say for example if we were arguing he might bring up something I confided in him, in order to shift the focus onto me. Shallow is a good word for it. There is no depth. Tell a narc something deeply personal and they will use it against you. Either they will throw it in your face at some later date, or they will tell your secret to everyone you know in order to smear you and shame you.
The way you beat this is. You examine and cross-examine everything they say and do. Same procedure used in court system narcissist will see you on to them. And will stay far away from you or avoid you all together
This channel's educational videos have saved so many from much heartache. Eternally grateful!
Very pleased!
It is definitely a tactic of some narcissists. However, it seems to be on the rise among 'normal' people as well. I bump into more and more people, who are normal in many ways, and not necessarily evil. But they have some sort of programmed/brainwashed need to be seen as a saint, and false empathy is very often one of their tools. Sometimes, they even put the person down in 'empathetic' ways, so they can appear as the empathetic 'hero'. In narcissists, it is intentional - but with these people, I think they do believe they are very empathetic, but they can't seem to distinguish their true empathy from the false one. I find it both fascinating and scary.
Thank you for your extremely validating and supportive message dr Carter. Let’s be givers of peace. God bless you❤
I find so many people who claim that they are empaths are actually narcissists or at least arrogant. If there's something wrong with me or I'm going through something...it's taking attention off of them so if THEY are struggling with me, they'll get that attention back. When I was going through the trial with the drunk driver who killed my mother, my 'empath' friend kept bringing it back around to "I remember when my grampa died and I was so angry..." Well, first off, this is not about my mother dying, it's about my mother being killed and second...why isn't she in the courtroom with me every day for two weeks if she wants to be so supportive?
So true when my grandma was dyeing my “friend” was purposefully sulking to get attention now that I look back.
As soon as my grandma passed away mask comes off blames me for all his problems and tells me I sat there and starved my grandma to death.... lol these sucks fucks have no ability to relate or console you just suck energy and gaslight you
I’m very sorry you lost your mother, especially that you lost her in that way
💖
Love this video. So true. I really wish I knew all this a few years ago when I was coping with narcissists and I was completely confused, pissed off and didn´t know what is going on at all. There was even a phase when I thought I am going crazy before finally realising how toxic, fake and nasty are these people. The points made in the video are very accurate and real. This channel is amazing .. this should be teached in schools.
Once again a very informative, right to the heart of the matter video. Thank you Dr Les for clarifying a whole list of things to me as I thought I was just oversensitive and overreacting. Hearing you put it all together so clearly and easy to understand, have put my mind to ease and makes it easier for me to move forward with my new life.
Micelle Coetsee,Hope you are not with a narcissist....
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I can't believe all of the pathology of a narcissist and i feel like I'm just getting started, too.
Even when I was a kid, I could spot fake empathy, but I used to go against my gut feeling all the time. I'm better at it now, but I'd be lying if I said, "I've never been duped as a adult." I've even been duped within the past two years a few times. I just hope for the best in people, and sometimes that turns me into a sucker.
That is very clarifying... I think many people are like that. I wonder if these people are aware of their manipulative behavior... i imagine after 42 year’s old, they are aware and choose to be like that because they see advantage... is sad. I have a close person like that and I don’t see any advantage. She always need new people to support her because not everyone is fooled for long time... like i was. Because I love her and know she has so much potential... maybe she is not narcissistic...