I used to be a highly emphatic person. But over the years from narc abuse, years of self loathing injected from my narc mother, I’ve become so detached from myself and my ability to truly feel empathy and love. Growing up with a narcissist, you become used to constantly tailoring your actions to not make the narc angry, so much so that over time being your true authentic self doesn’t seem to come naturally anymore. I hope that i can heal from this one day.
From what you stated you do have self awareness of your situation, and you also have a sense of what others or going through evidence by your statement about your mother. All you need is to understand and accept the situation and not try to medicate, cover up, or make excuses. You may want to consider therapy to do this work. You do have the sense of and consideration of what others are going through. Empathy is not making excuses for your behavior. Focus on being mindful of how your behavior affects others. And not blaming others. This is what I observed from your comment. I also do go through this with my Covert Narcissist husband. Sometimes I get frustrated, and I am not mindful of what I say. I am an empathetic person. I do struggle with the pain of my relationship. The bottom line for me is scientific remove the cause. Metaphorically, if you touch a hot pan, and it burns you. Don't touch it. Best wishes.
Actually, I can see how attractive it would be for a narcissist to start "fixing" somebody's problem. He's in a position of control now, doing it "his own way" and at the end the person "fixed" will owe him a big time. SO, it's a win-win situation for somebody egocentric. Also, they may fix it to shut up that little whingeing mite who makes it "all about himself" and annoys the hеll out of the poor narcissist. Now, does my reply counts as showing empathy? LOL I know it doesn't. Just kidding.
I loved that part too. Thinking about this in terms of reactive abuse, the narcissist can act as both the agent of chaos and the hero that can solve the chaos by fixing the problem they created. In the case of something that is bothering you external to the narcissist, offering a solution is a way of enforcing the dichotomy between their "reasonableness" and your "hysteria."
@@yukio_saito I understand. I asked my therapist to please remove me from her client list. She acted like she got it. Yet she would blame me for not setting boundaries for my husband. I replied, you are aware I have been in a relationship with him for 35 years. Do you actually think I haven't communicated with him in that time period. He is not listening. And he is not going to change I do not have the Degree to even come close. She stated that is your choice. My therapist is aware that I am an RN. I did learn to set boundaries.
I just got back from my therapist appointment where I told them I could be a narcissist and wanted to change. They told me that since I acknowledged that what I did was wrong instead of being stubborn and defensive (I have always been defensive), it's unlikely that I am one. Still, I'm following you for more helpful advices on how to change the tendencies. Thank you for your contribution.
I think the most important part in dropping defensiveness is finding an inner circle of people who will not attack you if you admit you did something wrong. It helped me at least, over time to let go of this. This is the road to true confidence and life becomes infinitely better after this change.
My therapist told me the exact same thing. Yet people in my family are hurt by me and I can’t work on fixing myself because people who are supposed to help don’t believe me. It gets tiring having to roam life feeling like the entire world is unsafe and against all the time. And in the process hurting people Who care and have been supporting me. I do truly want to change. Please make more videos for self aware. Thank you!
i have actually come to this conculsion about my self... "Wait, if I keep trying to think about/aknowlage the fact that I am a narccisist , would that not mean I am not one since I'm aknowlading it and admitting I am in the wrong?", But then... isn't that a "Narsiccitic excuse"? but then wouldn't having the thought of questioning that self diagnosed psychological conclusion mean that I am again questioning myself instead of instantly being defensive? and then again I'm back to the "trying to convince myself and not acknowledging the problem. So reading your comment, masterpys, I feel jealous that a therapist told you that, if I were to go to a therapy session prior to contemplating about this endless loop, i'd probably feel utterly relieved. also, I would love someone else to share their thoughts on this , do you think his therapists were right? wouldn't him still trying to stop being a narccisist even after a therapist told him he isn't , mean he isn't one?
I see it as a red flag when l set a boundary with someone in my life and they tespond with zero empathy. It truly does take empathy to treat those closest to us with respect and understanding.
Thank you Doctor Ramani. I don't think I'm narcissistic: but I am a human who screws up -- this video is a good reminder on how to be a good person. How to connect, and be present for the people in my life who deserve the very best. The world we live in is so cold, with social media being so toxic... It's really good to be reminded that many of us could do better, even if we're not narcissists.
@@msPranksterPixie yes, we all have faults... And yes maybe everyone who is not self-conscious and does not work on themselves may get narcistic tendencies. But from what you wrote, I of course don't know you and I am not a specialist - but it seems to me, maybe you have PTSD post traumatic stress depression. Maybe worth while to look that up. Sending you love, you are not alone, you are a good person, I believe in you ❤️
@@june.w.1288 thank you. I really appreciate the love and warmth. And I'm amazed at your skills, if you feel it's right for you, I think you'd make an excellent therapist! (I say this as my diagnosis is C-PTSD and dissociative disorders, which I'd kept contained until a nervous breakdown. So you had it spot on just from reading one comment!!) And I agree with you: with everything happening in society right now, it's very easy for people to become normalised or conditioned into narcissistic behaviours..... I mean, I wonder if that's a thing the science shows, that people who were not previously narcissistic, slowly become so, if the culture/subculture around them immerses them in the most toxic patterns.... I know sociology studies show mixed results re: media influence. But anyways, away from pontifications.... You have an amazing talent for spotting psychological diagnoses. If you're not a therapist or psychologist, I think you'd go far in that field. But only do it if you want to, and if you feel strong enough, and the relationships around you aren't narcissistic/abusive (as they'll drain so much from you work will be immensely hard). Thank you 💜💜💜💜💜
@@msPranksterPixie I am glad I could help a little. I spotted it because I also went through this 😢 I felt the deep pain behind your words, I have written similar messages: I'm going to try harder, I want to be a good person... And it was so shattering when I didn't got any response... A little kindness can go a long way in healing a soul ❤️ But yes, I thought about becoming a therapist,, thank you for your support. Yes, unfortunately there are some narcissists around me, but it is not so bad as it was before. Since I know what is going on, it is easier to handle... They cannot draw me so easily into their manipulation games. Right now, I am learning resilience. But yes, becoming a therapist was a big dream of me once, I just didn't know then how to help others, since I myself had a lot of problems too. But maybe these bad things happened to me so that I have rich life experience 😅😢 and so I am able to help others better. I hope your life gets better and better every day and you find healing and freedom and happyness. If you want, we could write each other sometimes, but of course only if you have time. I am a woman, 32, with 2 children, a boy and a girl, married, we live in Hungary, Europe.
@@msPranksterPixie I would like to add something... You see, when I had problems, once I was foolish enough to post about it on social media... And I got some very bad advice afterwards from some people. Like, there was a friend, supposedly well meaning, who called me just 2 days before Christmas, and told me just stop being sorry for myself and go to a doctor who would prescribe me something and get over it... Well, it was very hurtful. I really believe that dr Ramani is right and when someone has a problem, what they need is emotional support, letting them feel they are not alone, and if anything, then try uplifting, motivating them, perhaps give information to solve problems.. but they should take into consideration that sometimes it takes time to solve problems, it won't happen over night... And it is already uncomfortable enough for a person to have those problems he/shr struggles a lot to solve....and putting even more pressure upon them to solve it immediately and saying harsh words, supposedly "ugly truths" - well it sometimes hurts a lot and it shows a lack of empathy and a narcistic trait that the advice giver cannot endure emotions and... Uncertainty when things are not black and white... Like it was said in the video. Those ugly truths, spoken with more care, with more carefully chosen words, they might faciliate change in a good way, but yes people should be very careful in giving advice... So they don't hurt an already wounded person even more. So what I wanted to say is, that it is very good if you do not trust people easily. I want to believe that there are still good people out there, who really know how to help someone heal,good friends, but unfortunately, we have to adapt to the world, and see that unfortunately not everyone is like that. If someone speaks about their problems, that makes it extremely easy for a malignant person to hurt them. It is like pointing out to them where to hit. So if someone is overly trustful, they can easily become pray to severely narcistic people, and that might multiply their problems and make it even more difficult for them to come out of all the things. So, I just wanted to tell you, you do it well. I hope I am not narcistic, but who am I to judge this, and it could be anyone, and it is a wise thing not to trust strangers easily. I hope this is uplifting for you and well, if it does not help you, at least it does not drag you down. Because I really wish you well. ♥️ Have a nice day, take care ❤️
Likewise, I've seen this occur. The narcissist calling anyone around who disagrees with them or has seen their bvllsh't or is in a positiin to call them out, 'a narcissist'. I never really knew much about it, but heard it over & over, & upon researching, it looks like pure projection & blameshiftig.
It's such a mindf*** to realize after all the years they were calling you selfish just for having your own opinions, needs and boundaries it was actually them who was extremely selfish. There's a lot of projection from narcissists that can confuse everyone around them. I remember he would pick at me for the smallest things and go "OOooooo, WOOWW, you're so self-centered" and I'd just be like, what? Why is that a big deal. Like I have a thumnail that goes straight to my FB page because I don't want to be distracted by the newsfeed when I check for messages and notifications. He rrrreally really dug into that as some extraordinary case of narcissism. I remember that just puzzled me. Why is this such a big deal and why is he so invested in thinking the absolute worst of me any time he can? Projection.
@@LXSeaV The big question that remains for me is: how do you know that when you actually called that other person a narcissist, they really are? because I have seen many patterns in my partner, for example, but how do you know that it is not a projection of yours? it's almost gaslighting yourself
ive learned in therapy, when we've been raised around toxic personalities, and/or been in these relationships; we take on parts of their bad patterns. Ive been having to adjust my fight or flight, my trying to help those verbalizing their struggles, trying to reflect to others, etc.
Don’t confuse your complex PTSD that you’re describing with narcissism. It’s just a result of the abuse, not abuse itself. How to tell? Because other survivors won’t care when you react. They’ll understand. If you were really a narcissist they wouldn’t have anything to do with you. Stop worrying.😊
@@FPVREVIEWS It is still not very clear to me what the difference is between pstd and narcissism. My partner and even I have lived with toxic parents and previous abusive relationships. but I started to see more patterns in her, and it feels very damaging not to understand who is being the narcissist or if both, all I know is that she was diagonistic as a histrionic person.
@@MrSarkis well, if you are looking for narcisistic traits, you will find some extent of them in anyone. it's on a scale, but it has to be pretty high up on the scale, to actually be narcissistic. we are all somewhat self interested, and all lack empathy at times. a true narc will never really care about anyone, not understand the concept, and be absolutely incapable of showing empathy, but may be able to fake any of these things for a period of time.. but usually just attack the other person instead when it will become obvious.
This video is so helpful for me. After growing up with a narc mom and coming out of a narc marriage I can say I have realized I have some narcissistic tendencies but I am very aware and self reflection work has really returned me to my normal empathetic self. Still working...
Yes, I also learnt some unhelpful behaviour patterns and am currently working on them. However, we are actually willing to put hard work and change them. That makes all the difference. And we don't enjoy hurting people.
It's also been described as narcissistic "fleas." It reminds me of "character hangover" that some actors use to describe how playing an extreme role can leak into their personal lives. Good luck on your journey!
It's so unbelievably hard to find anything positive for someone with NPD. This is absolutely refreshing to find something positive, to want to help those who are aware.
I love that your doing this. I don’t believe any person should just be written off because of the result of mental health issues. We are all growing. Everyone deserves the opportunity to self improve.
Agreed. At another channel there was a thread wishing to send all the narcissists to an isolated island. I mean... lol... it's a fantasy that's not doable, but I have to admit I participated. But I was willing to say "But they have to be narcissist for at least a third of their lives or 10yrs, which ever is longer. (To account for young adult narcissists and older ones). With them gone, the rest of us and those of us being led the wrong way can get a chance to breathe and revert back to healthy patterns. And maybe the people on Narcissist Island can also find a way to heal and come back to the world. Someone got bent out of shape, and honestly I don't blame them. They said it was totalitarianism and practically despotic thinking. Yeah, OK. I agree. lol. Again, fantasy. But people can be healed.
Some people have no ability to care for others and go about their own life hurting others constantly. So Either life is precious or not. And if it is… then the abusive people should not be allowed more chances to continue their activities once it’s obvious that they are toxic and harmful. Second chances only allow them to become repeat offenders. Or serial killers. Do you really want that responsibility of allowing them to do it again and again? Is it worse for them to kill someone or destroy their mind to the point where they want to die? Think about this and don’t be ignorant about what’s actually happening. Some people are just evil.
@@FPVREVIEWS Yeah. We need to keep them out of our lives and set our boundaries as individuals in this world. But Dr. Ramani has tools that could facilitate change in these hurtful people. It's better for society both in a utilitarian sense (less selfishness out there circulating), and just because we should strive to be a compassionate rather than retributive society. That being said, that is just a social constructivist position. At the end of the day, for the individual, I really do understand how discussions of this kind can feel like ONCE AGAIN the abusers are getting the focus and consideration, and a pass, while those they are hurting are left feeling invisible in the discussion. I really do believe Dr. Ramani and most of the people in this community are not shifting focus. Those suffering from narcissistic abuse come first.
@@FPVREVIEWS By watching Dr. Ramani I have become aware that some of the things I say and ways I behave are not okay. I was raised by a narc and do not want to hurt my children by repeating behaviors or statements that I used to think were "motivating" or "said with love" but are actually hurtful. In this video when Dr. Ramani advises us to be more present that is a change I need to make. When she said,
I am full of real empathy. I realise this after lots of watching your series. Earlier, when just in the transition out of a connection with a narcissistic person, I couldn’t think so clearly, and wasn’t so confident. It is great that I now know this. ☺️
I have found the more I I am the target of narcissistic abuse, the more I exhibit narcissistic tendencies by keeping the conversation about me when around others which then invalidates others. Even though I have so much empathy and love to give, the cycle of self protection and self-preservation shows up time and time again throughout this healing process, which makes me look bad and feel terrible about myself.
facts. lol coincidence. maybe narcs just need coincidences every day every moment to wake up that they're not the only person here. never thought of coincidence in this way! :)
I am a narcissists! Thank you Dr. Ramani for putting this out. I embraced my narcissists ways in the past, it wasn't till I tried to take my own life in 2016 that I saw the errors of my ways. A lot of inner child work and therapy has taken me to be a better person. I'm trying to NOT be a narcissists, every year I am removing who I was and becoming a person I am proud of. Dr. Ramani is right, it is worth it for yourself and others. Thank you, again for this video.
Thanks for breaking down “agentic empathy.” I have misconstrued it as authentic empathy and when I figured out what was happening I’ve never felt more deceived.
Sometimes I do worry that I'm becoming just like the narc in my life after almost 50 years I started fighting fire with fire until I realized my match was no 'match' for his gasoline fire. Now, I just stay away from him as much as is possible. I'm no longer trying to communicate the way he does because that's not who I am.
@@k79311 It certainly is a total waste, isn't it? Wasted and sad. For me my children, grandkids and great grandkids fill my life. I'm so very blessed by them and frankly, if it meant I would have to give them up I would relive my life just to have them!!
Yeah, better to just build up a ‘firewall’ around you in the presence of the narcissist. We can’t beat them at their own game. They have had a lifetime of perfecting their manipulations & other tactics. Empaths are not wired to use narcissistic tactics; we will mostly just screw them up. But if we play to our strengths, we can protect ourselves from some further abuse. God bless!
Thank you so much for this content! I took notes! My husband is a huge empath. I'm very analytical and very much a realist. I tend to think that if unfortunate things happen to people, it's their fault for being either naive or too passive, etc. I eventually reached a point in our marriage where it would hurt my heart to see my behavior chip away at his spirit. I finally agreed to seek therapy. At one point, I mentioned to her that I thought I might be a narcissist. She dismissed me saying that narcissus NEVER admit they need help. I now see this is incorrect. Thank you again for these tips. These are exactly the things I struggle with when having a conversation. Emotions make me very uncomfortable. And I know I need to stop jumping at my turn to speak and really listen. I'll be seeking a new therapist.
There are many of us out here that have been around the narcissistic personalities so long that we have adapted a shell that allows us to exist among them with our shields up.That does make us look upon first glance to be an 'aware narc' I never could put up shields until one day I had the realization that was because it was so natural to me as a child to live with those shields up that I no longer noticed them at all. I had learned to NEVER let them down in the first place. The fact that I had no idea why I needed them in the first place except I knew I could trust no one in my own family never really occurred to me. I had no frame of reference to compare it to ' normal'. Heck it WAS my SNOP -standard normal operating procedure. If I would have had any inkling that I was dealing with not right in the head people it would have made my life so different. As it was, I adapted; I already knew I was the scapegoat, but did not know that was a thing. I knew my place in the pecking order; rock bottom, but I was the youngest and an empath and truth teller. At 6 or 7 you have no experience to refer to on anything. My partner seemed normal to me when I met him, but has developed into a clueless overt victim over the years. It is like having a potentially dangerous child that you cannot control. One adaptation that happens with anger over the situation is that you adopt their shit to deal with their shit. Pulling back from that adaptation takes self-awareness and time to let the anger go. 2 years ago I was one angry bitch that let everyone who did not get it...I let them have it with both barrels. My kids and this channel saved my ass. I am human once again and I am now vulnerable in very good ways. Not co dependent or angry at the world. I have you Dr. Ramani to thank for that awareness....nameste~
My mother would tell me, “you were always selfish. Even as a baby.” I cant believe she was narcissistically injured by her own infant baby. Lol my mom is pathetic.
lmao, your mom and my mom should have tea parties. My mom says she was overwhelmed and if I weren't such a bad little kid... Meaning, 30 years old was the victim of a 10yr old. Oh brother.
By the way, is your mom Judeo-Christian religious? Don't tell her about Psalm 58: 3. Wacky stuff. "The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies."
I did not create the narcissist and it’s not my job to fix them. I am responsible for myself. I create my own reality. What I focus on I get more of. I’m grateful for the lessons I have learned.❤️
This can be soooo useful even for those who have moments of narcissism rather than a pattern of personality disorder. Everyone can learn to recognize those times when we are jerks and how to get out of that pattern while we define our boundaries and strengthen our healthy behavior.
I choose to look At my partner’s personality disorder( mental health issues) from a photo of him as an adorable little two year old. When i case at his innocence i feel compassion for his deep hurts that fold over onto me. However i view it as loving as i can… some days are really bad with him and he can quickly become a monster to me. I have this photo of him in a place where i reach for it as often as i need to. I also remind myself just because i have compassion It doesn’t mean i have to spend the rest of my life with him.
I feel like a lot of people react the way narcs do to other people's sadness, because they have been conditioned to be afraid of bad/sad emotions. Hence the desire to deflect/share their own experiences, or wanting to "fix" the other person's problem. Even then, you can tell who really cares and who doesn't!
And some people who share their own experiences do so as a kind of commiseration and an implicit acknowledgement that this was a bad thing that happened to the other person. Autistic people do that a lot, though there are times when non-autistic people do this as well.
Brilliant series. You are a highly skilled instructor, Dr. Ramani. I especially appreciate the preface, "This is a disclaimer. This is not meant to be a series that fosters hope for the survivors of Narcissistic Abuse that things are going to change." I love how you ended with, paraphrasing, And do not forward this to someone you think is a Narcissist and needs to watch this. It's like calling them out and that never works.
Thank you for this . I always helped my colleagues, the track record is there . I assist my sister's financially . But when the narcissists can't get what they want it doesn't matter what you did .You need to be their slave always ready to serve them .
This makes me so happy. I was born in a very narcissistic cult and didn’t realize it was and that I was. Glad to see something geared towards those who learned it from their surroundings.
I'm not a narcissist but my both parents are narcissists. And as a son grow up in this family my empathy skill works for narcissists or toxic people, but my empathy skill is not working well when I'm with normal, healthy people and when I try to understand their feelings. I understand healthy peoples feelings a little late, like 1 hour after meeting them...
@@joannakerr6231 It seems like there are other people who got this issue too, i didn't know. it hardens developing healthy relationships with healthy people...
I've never thought about that, but I think I have the same issue. I always get it like an hour later because normal people aren't as loud and/or bitchy as the narcissists are. We get used to thinking all the messages we get are going to be loud, rude and cruel, so anyone communicating with a softer touch can go often go unheard because we're just not used to that frequency unfortunately.
That felt very real and the advice was really good. Some people temporarily behave narcissistically in part due to NP disorders, and trauma, so if you genuinely do care about people and you are willing to put into effort, this advice can be really helpful. It is a shame a lot of counsellors dismiss narcissism as a problem, just because it can be difficult and controversial to diagnose. I definitely have traits of it, while also being a victim of full fledged anti-social narcissists. Best thing you can do in my experience is to try to leave any toxic relationship or situation ASAP and work on yourself in individual therapy, (even though it's too hard and sometimes dangerous for some people). It's worth the effort. Self-loathing and constant fear is not fun, and seeing people you care about hurt because of your insecurity and lack self-esteem is completely unnecessary.
@@ashi6838 Great initial comment. It's hard enough for self-aware narcissists to improve without the superior naysayers putting you down. Those naysayers are so pathetic.
Thanks for this video! I've been growing in awareness of my narcissism, and I really appreciate the guidance you offer because I don't want to be that way any more. Narcissism left me miserable and ruined my life. Learning to listen to people and actually care about them helps me to feel connected and brings real joy to my life.
Thank you for the enormity of your courage, and thank you for sharing with us the broken parts of you. It's extremely rare for a narcissistic individual to allow this, but when they do, I am only too happy to pour my love into the cracks of their wounded and tormented soul.
When you talk about empathy for others who have had something good happen, this is what Buddhists call “Sympathetic Joy”. Meaning “the ability to feel the joy another feels “ (and to also feel it because we are all so very connected ). The Person I have had to deal with that clearly has NPD does NOT feel sympathetic joy towards others. Thank you for all of these videos. You are helping me yo not only understand the person with NPD but to move away from the relationship without too many scars! You are great at this! Thanks so much!
I have learned so much since learning about myself. In my brokenness I am in the process of healing . I'm turning loneliness into solitude and in solitude I find peace. Carry on dr. Ramani...
Thank you so much for this, Dr. R. At the ripe old age of 50, I'm finally realizing what a narc my mother is and has been all of her life. I'm also noticing that I learned and incorporated LOTS of her bad behaviors into my own life. I'm regretful, guilty, and absolutely pissed for not seeing these in myself sooner. Knowing I have to work double hard on eradicating these monstrous behaviors from my own life and how to even get started is daunting. It is helpful to know that this is "a thing" and people can work on it and there is a starting point. Your videos have been a constant companion since my father died last winter and I got to experience the full brunt of my mother's issues. I thank you for helping me cope and feel like I'm not as much of a selfish monster as I thought I was.
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Thanks for this important info! As a sensitive empathetic human I’ve always wanted to fix other people’s pain and launch into how I dealt with things. 😬 clearly non productive.
I'm an Empath and was raised by a narcissistic mother and my father was easy going. Thank you so very much. This makes me feel so happy 😊 . I also have ASD.
I have a honest question, how can you be an empath and in the range of autism? Doesn't that contradict each other? I work with Kids with autism and i am honestly confused how those 2 combine! Thanks in advance!
@Chiveaux Snow it is good to hear your Story of survival, i am not able to call myself an empath, because that would be Bad for me in the longrun. I fear the sensitivity will reduce itself by time. Still i am very interested how those 2 combine.
@Chiveaux Snow first of All thanks a lot for answering and Not taking offense by the question. I try to improve my communication skills with non-to-almost-non-verbal Kids in Kindergarden and i have to admit I am not rlly familiar with those 2. I think i have to study a little bit deeper. Thanks again
me too. but my pa is narcissistic too. im so confused now and terrified i am a narcissist. all my life ive been told things were as they actually werent. so 50 years later my reality is super screwy. how do i know? PS i was/am the scapegoat. or am i just a covert/ vulerable narc...?
So I've been diagnosed with Gallstones. Gallstones can form from stress. Stress causes high cortisol levels, high cortisol levels can form Gallstones. I don't eat sugar, in short nothing that would cause Gallstones from my diet. I remember a video when she noted a lot of people dealing with a narcissist developed problems in their abdomen. Well, there's nothing more stressful than dealing with a narcissist. I'm glad it's not something worse. Not unlike a narcissist, you can live without a Gallbladder. I have no choice but to eject them both out of my life before they cause a terminal illness.
Very informative again, I had many spine surgeries, if I would complain if pain, mine would point out something on them and explain how bad that hurt, this was her attempt at empathy, because they are so centered on self and how everything makes them feel, they can't see outside that box per say, sympathy comes off as superficial even, they authentically can't create or regulate most if not all of their emotions at any given moment, they can mirror the emotions, and if you're close enough to the narc to be some form of supply, they will mirror your every emotion as their own. Thank you again for this highly informative video series.
So glad for this video. Your other video on "10 things narcissists can do to change their narcissistic behavior" has really been helping me at work and in other areas of my life. I started watching your channel (and others) because I had a grandiose narcissist roommate/friend who abused the rest of us living there and I felt angry and helpless. I thought she was a covert narcissist based on the way other youtubers defined that term (like its a secret she was keeping and she's good at hiding it.) When I got to your videos on vulnerable narcissism and learned what that really is, I made a grisly discovery about myself and realized that's (at least part of) the reason I'm so isolated and nothing in my life is working out. I see a lot of myself in the borderline personality as well. It took at least 15 years to get here as I was always in therapy blaming the world for why my life wasn't working out, and I received diagnoses other than this one. I have experienced narcissistic abuse from classmates, friends, and from within the family, and I may or may not be truly narcissistic myself, but your content is extremely helpful for anyone looking to improve themselves!
Thank you for this. Sometimes it think my block or push back with certain people in my life is because they constantly violate my boundaries and don’t respect my no despite me saying it numerous times. Then I’m criticized by them and made out to be the bad guy so I think it’s all my fault. Then I feel bad so cave and do what they want cause I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Frustrating. Lots to unravel for sure. Thank you. 🙏❤️
OMG watching this video finally gave me some hope that I'm not the narcissist, I do listen intently and have cared too much :( I have had terrible experiences with narc abuse and one particular scary one that still I haven't healed from fully, was 11 years ago :( As I learnt about narc abuse, I kept doubting myself for being evil. I have flaws, sometimes even tendencies I've noticed that eerily seem narc, hope to work on them.. and feel better. Also, I don't hurt anyone, my parents may have had some collateral damage for I still experience CPTSD :( Sending love to survivors ❤
I used to be a narcissist until a life event happened that ripped me apart i no longer was able to hold yhe narc image even if i tried, i entered a dark hole and came out full of love, then after years of that somehow my narcissist self and compassionate self made union, now i navigate life with balance, i feel compassion at times and be logical and apathetic at other times, in both ways i choose not to hurt ppl or pamper people too much (although i much possibly can). I think narcissism can be healed but you have to go through a very very dark door.
Getting called out on narc tendencies ironically is what helped me FINALLY STOP exhibiting covert narc/vulnerable narc tendencies 😅, while being exposed to others whose situations were off than mine helped me develop empathy.
Feels like finding an empathetic person who will just listen & show they care is nearly impossible. And everyone says therapy, but when the therapist demands to know all your trauma history on the first visit or in writing even before meeting in person but can't be bothered to say one word of validation, empathy, or compassion, it seriously re-traumatizes the person in need of help. I'm thankful for you and others who post helpful content online.
Only too show up too therapy get really really really bad advice and gas lit by a new psychiatrist so I literally trust none of these folks it's a unique situation I'm disregulated angry no empathy and its my fault for giving myself a personality disorder like ....ok then I was better off drinking drugging and doing my own thing it was safer and I didn't have too keep rewiring my brain too deal with society cultural norms that labeled me antisocial before I had a chance too prove no I'm not antisocial I'm just not a door mat ....now I'm addicted too drugs I hate and a family that believes the hype legal drugs legal drugs are addictive you pharmaceutical whores .
As a (heavily) narcissistic person who has been watching your videos for quite some time, I'm very glad and grateful you've started making videos like this. Any piece of advice/information that helps us tackle our issues is welcome. Thank you!
I love you did this video! Being on the other side of this, what to do if you are,honestly never occured to me. As Id given up on trying to fix Narcs. To me, you have the heart, mind soul of a very compassionate teacher. Good on you! Love you pull no punches. Btw, Good Morning!
I had to laugh because just as I was thinking that I should forward this to my husband, Ramani pops up and says DON'T! HAHAHA. I was only half serious anyway🤣🤪
I like this. Since many of us tend to wear masks in public hoping that will help us fit in better this kind of advice is good for everyone to remember and be reminded of. For those of us wanting to work as care giver more than just being mediocre at it we need to work at it too. I miss my late sister Sharon who never feared taking me to task whenever she saw me acting less empathetic.
Mrs. Ramani, you have definitely explained things I have always wondered about. One was how I always was able to turn conversations back to myself, why I did this. I didn’t understand except I just assumed I was selfish and I need not to be. But I never related this to lack of empathy. I’m gonna watch this video at least100xs out until I get it. I was only catching bits and pieces I could relate too so I know this will help. Seemed greek to me. I’m so ready, selfish lifestyle is so exhausting. Btw I had already been working on things like kindness, being gentle and mindful but your video was very helpful!! Thank you
I have had to do the exact opposite. I am extremely empathetic. And I have been a people pleaser. I actively have to practice not jumping up and being the one who rushes to help.
Knowledge is Power. You are saving lives. I am a 75-year-old woman that loves to learn. This subject should be taught in schools starting in elementary through college and beyond. The first thing I do in the morning is to start looking forward to learning something new with Doctor Ramani and my first cup of coffee every morning. What an absolute blessing and I am so grateful and thankful, your valuable advice helps make me feel regulated and contented for the day. You have saved my life and helped me become aware that my parents were narcissistic and had overlapping mental disorders. Through empathy and much remorse, I have learned to love unconditionally from a distance and understand their issues, and how to accept their diagnosis with compassion, grace, and mercy. Learning and refreshing my mind every day helps me stay on track and filled with understanding and love for all of us that have suffered with or by someone diagnosed with this debilitating disease.
And narcissistic fleas ... It can also be a learned behavior that you do something or more often, and could use a healthier tactic. Eg. Stonewalling/gray rocking/removing oneself/taking a time out, can have the same results, same goal, but completely different origin. Edit: though I don't consider myself narcissistic, I do tend to try fixing more than being just empathic. I'm really grateful this was pointed out to take into consideration. Usually people want to brainstorm out loud or look outside of their box (at least to in my experience), but I do understand the need to just vent a bit from time to time without an hour long problem-solving debate.
This was a great video. Empathy has always been a tricky thing for me. I think there's a rush to judgment that anyone who has a hard time with empathy is a narcissist. If you were raised or conditioned through trauma to fix things that could be the way you think you should show love. I've learned through therapy that's not always the case. For years, empathy seemed like woo woo hippie stuff - "I hear you... I see you..." but practicing it daily (and it is a practice) has made it more of an authentic response and has helped me in many parts of my life. Keep at it!
@Enjoy in Joy may I add Inner Child Work? When npd is caused by early trauma your inner child needs to learn it is safe now: You are safe now. Your emotions (all) are safe. Take the jump into the scary unknown of working through your past to find out it's worth it.
Yes, sara, there are definitely too many of you. Why don't you take a hint and quit showing up for supply and to turn all the attention and playing-a-victim back on yourself. For real, GO AWAY!
thank you so much, I'm borderline, and sometimes I act narcistically even if I'm not, and this is really helpful to put what I've noticed and worked on in simpler clearer words, thank you a lot! Empathy really is a wonderful thing I regret losing sight of sometimes. It's really the core of a healthy mental health for everyone.
Worked for a narcissist jerk. He drones on and on about the need for the rest of us to show empathy. Sounded like he was familiar with the concept even if he didn’t practice it. Classic projection - he got feedback and turned around and gave it to us.
Exactly, classic projection. They are told all of the details about themselves but instead of taking ownership for their wrongdoings and self reflecting they just project onto the people around them.
Thank you so much for making this video!! Was recently made aware of narcissist habits I have and was feeling alone. Have a ways to go and it's scary AF!! This is a good reminder not to fear discovering mannerisms that need to be changed, and to keep pushing forward towards being a better person. ❤️❤️❤️
The school where I was working tried to use 'coping' skills. Didn't work. To cope is not enough. Actually, it is and can be quite cold-hearted. This empathy thing to me sounds a lot like having good manners too.
I remember as a kid I was kind and always wanted to help others without asking for nothing in return. But as I grew up I learned from my parents, friends, some teachers, and some US media in the 2000's empathy and kindness was seen as a weakness, naivety, an advantage that needs to taken of, and immaturity. I pushed down the kindness and empathetic traits I learned from some other media as I grew up because I wanted to become and be seen as mature. It wasn't until later when I was an adult in my 20's I noticed something wasn't right with this toxic and narcissistic way of thinking and abusing. And took even longer to realize that empathy isn't a weakness or it's your fault for being kind, empathetic, and helpful then be taken advantage of; it's the people who abuse empathetic people in the first place. And unfortunately that's seen as pretty much the norm as of right now. But even if it is, it's not good to go with that norm, it's toxic and harmful. And you don't have to always go with the norm. TL;DR even if you grew up in an environment with lots of narcissistic people around, you won't and don't have to become them. It takes work to relearn empathy after learning toxic and narcissistic ways of thinking and acting, but eventually you get there. And not only are you better for others, you're also better for yourself. Legacy isn't destiny.
Please please also be aware that even if the narcissist claims they are ready to change it doesn’t mean that they really are ready. I really wish these narcissistic people would stop asking the people in their lives to take the place of a therapist and asking to evaluate everything they do. I get that maybe some people with narcissistic tendencies might change at some point but it is not taking responsibility asking people in their life to explain to them what counselors do or what types of modalities are best for them or how they should deal with emotions or what contributed to their lack of empathy or to make them feel better. Changing is not a group effort. It is not being self aware to say you know how much damage you have caused and then want to go through your childhood with the person who wants to leave the relationship. This is unfair and uncalled for.
I am at least narcissistic. If not avoidant. I have emotionally and mentally abused my wife without looking at myself until 11 years later. The abuse damage is REAL. It has caused an auto-immune desease in her that is severely compromising her health and shortening her life. Thank you for supporting the abuse survivors. And for trying to reach out to the narcissists to help us understand our impact on others. I’m definitely trying to reach that 75%.
Thank you for doing this video. I've watched quite a few of your videos, and now that I've opened my eyes, many of them leave me feeling like a monster. I believe that I'm a narcissist, and it's very difficult to find information on what to do when one realizes that you have some things about yourself that are mentally and emotionally unhealthy, particularly narcissism. It's nice to know there's things you can do to change and that it's not completely hopeless. So thank you again, for all the videos you do, not just this one.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this!!! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve shared here. I’ve needed this information, clarity, and encouragement. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Great video! I see many narcissistic traits in myself. I guess that's all I knew growing up - both caregivers were highly narcissistic and my father was absent. I have much trauma and confusion from growing up. I grew up scared and hating myself too. I tried to work on those issues and still have to deal with my N mother day-to-day... So thank you for those videos. However, I've experienced the most satisfaction by untangling my own narcissistic traits. It feels refreshing to step out of my own victimhood and take control & responsibility for my own actions. It feels empowering, and I feel even my own relationships with my mother have gotten so much more stable and satisfying as I'm not focusing anymore so much of how I'm not getting empathy or understanding but on how I myself act more decently. I wish others could feel the epiphany of this work but most importantly I wish to become free and strong and a pleasant person to be around, an example to my own children (if I ever get a chance to have any...) or at least leave a positive footprint in someone else's life, so please... Please keep making these videos of how we can improve ourselves, see our own faults, fix them and move on (without ever having to feel guilty for what we haven't done or inadequate!!). There's so much to navigate in this life... Wish it were be easier... But people like you spread awareness... 🙏🏼
Thank you! I absolutely love every minute of your videos. Much like some of your other subscribers, I start my days with coffee and you. I've learned so much thus far and, of the patterns that I'd previously recognized, you gave the words for them or you (and those who share in comments) have validated my own experiences for me. For the first time in my life, I feel a real peace of mind knowing that, just because I might be isolated, it doesn't mean I'm alone. And I might be lonely but today isn't forever and just connecting with others who've experienced similar cruelties diminishes the loneliness I've felt. My truth doesn't have to be entirely surrendered just to appease someone else's insatiable need to preserve their own ego for vanity's sake. Admittedly, sometimes it's easier or safer to just appease them but I don't have to help them by gaslighting myself or giving them excuses for their bad behaviors. I'm not 'crazy' or a 'joke' or a 'fool' because I DO care about others, they are the dysfunctional ones because they DON'T care and, as you've clarified, it's not that they can't... it's that they choose not to. They CHOOSE not to. Thank you!! I wondered about that! After being around some of these people for so long, the excuses that they gave themselves or that I gave them didn't hold up and, invariably, I thought; how could they NOT know what love is? How could they NOT know what compassion is? Or just human decency? They're basking in it, day in and day out!! I thought; they KNOW what love is because they're GETTING it... and they love GETTING it... but they don't GIVE it. I couldn't understand why... why wouldn't someone WANT to love others as they've been loved. I couldn't understand why it seemed so impossible to love some people into a healthier place where they're actually able to give as well as they receive. Finding YOU and your videos has so deeply enriched my life and, whether or not I'm ever able to share my experiences with others and feel safe, you've given me a peace of mind that I'm normal. I'm just in some very unhealthy and abnormal situations... and dealing with some very unacceptable behaviors. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. ♥️ I have hyperempathy but after being raised in a narcissistic household I often still worry about having my own narcissistic tendencies that I’ve picked up along the way just from being surrounded by these personality styles my whole life, and I think this is really helpful for people in my situation too!
Good to know that I am doing some healthy behaviors. I was raised by narcs. Siblings became narcs, sadly. And because I normalised the behavior, found myself in abusive work and personal relationships. The lockdown was hard. But it gave me a chance to get off the crazy train. I have been no contact for over a year with family and toxic friends and I feel great. Every day I find myself less angry and more loving.
Thank God for YOU… I do feel that narcissist abuse saviors do NOT have the appropriate representation. I believe people need “sensitivity training” for narcissistically abuse individuals. I personally have experienced being re-traumatizing by people who simply wasn’t “sensitive” to my feelings of my narcissist abuse since childhood. I thank you for this.
@@pault9544 Yeah. "Grow up!" and "I'm not going to coddle you!" Said by enablers and narcissists I gravitated towards. It's harmful and keeps you anchored in the pain.
Thank you , your right some problems can’t just be “fixed” it’s not the simple . I know understand that trying to right my wrongs is gonna be a long road and a lot of dealing face to face w bad decisions I’ve made .
I've been wondering if I am narcissistic since both my parents are, but after watching I do actually genuinely care about people and have done a ton of therapy and self help to improve my emotional intelligence. I can be selfish sometimes, which I think I was confusing it with narcissism. My point is thank you! I love these videos, it helps me to navigate my relationships with my parents!
You may have developed certain defense strategies that work against narcissists but didn't realize were being used on innocent people. I began developing the same. But in actuality, I do care about people and when people are NOT watching I have done things to improve a situation for someone or the community not looking for accolades. (not even now lol). Perhaps that is your situation? Not that you're a narcissist, only that you developed traits and you notice "I don't like that about me" which is normal, which is what normal people do when they take a dive in their behaviors. :)
Hi, Dr. Ramai. I have been watching your channel for a long time and I love it so much. You sound like you are a bit unwell today and I appreciate from my heart that you are able to make today's video despite your unwellness and I just want to say thank you so much.🙂 I hope you feel better soon.
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My narcissistic person would always talk to the kids and I about having empathy. Someone is watching videos on narcissism besides the victims of narcissistic abuse! He didn’t have much empathy when he was telling my kids that I was stealing their savings or when he was hiding my belongings or triangulating me with the exes or hacking my accounts……………..
I have known narcissists that are capable of the empathy described in this video. What I think needs to be addressed is how narcissists abandon empathy when they are having any feelings of their own or when nobody's looking. For example, when they hurt those closest to them with actions like cheating and when they shut down their partners with rage when they try to talk about their feelings that make the narcissist feel shame.
RAMANI! Thank you, finally for making this video. Therapy is very hard for anyone narcissistic to accept or get into. But watching the videos through the screen of a computer and listening to you has been in a way so much easier of a therapy or a learning experience in someone I almost feel that I don't know. I feel like I know you in some small way and that you know me even though we've never met. And I think that small catalyst was essential to the process of beginning to learn how healthy narcissism can be just as validating and powerful as maladaptive behavior.
Hi Dr. Ramani I would love to see more videos directed at self-aware narcissists; most of the material out there only makes us feel worse and hopeless.
Go away. Sam vaknid is a self-professed narc. Go to his channel, or start your own pity parties somewhere else. Abusers and victims need to be separate.
If you grow up in a narcissistic family environment, you believe that narcissistic behavior is just normal behavior and act accordingly. You don't even think that there might be anything wrong with how you are behaving. That is, you may have some narcissistic tendencies simply because you were exposed to them during childhood and taught to emiulate them. I was one of these. For people who are in this group but do not really have a narcissistic personality, change will happen if you want it to. One day, I discovered that I am an empath and that explained a LOT of why I was different. Once that happened, I began to see what these childhood-learned traits really were. I just stopped doing them, stopped thinking like that and stopped looking at other people that way. Freedom is out there if you want it.
I thought it might be me in 2014. I took tests and realized it was PTSD. I get angry when triggered. Most of the time I’m good at controlling my anger but being 53 and female in 2014 turned normal PTSD alone into not being able to control my mouth. DBT takes time to work. Biggest thing I had to learn was to let go. I don’t control anything and it takes up too much valuable time trying. I was raised taking care of a narcissistic mother and my younger sister on days when she just couldn’t adult. I always had the notion that if I made everyone else around me happy then things would be peaceful. It doesn’t work. They’re never happy and nothing I ever did was good enough.
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It’s so interesting to think if they got help earlier in life or listened to their intrusive thoughts would they be different?/treat people different? So interesting. Thanks Dr Ramani
This is so important and I'm glad you help them too, only if they want to see the video. They certainly need lots of help too, for their own benefit, of the people they interact with, and for the world at large. Thank you Dr. Ramani! You are an amazing human being💕
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Can I politely add that those of us with high trait narcissism, often unconsciously feel empathy as a reactive response rather than a proactive approach to relationships. Having to remind yourself to care when you have no reason to is not a fun feeling to have about yourself.
No, no one here cares about narcs anymore. We're sick of your self-centeredness, exactly what you are displaying now. Go start your own pity party channels and leave decent people alone.
@@michellefarris3961 I am for real sorry if commenting on this video triggered you. I have zero bad intentions whenever I watch Dr. Ramanis videos & only do it from a place of trying to become a better person. I genuinely mean that. I also have a feeling it doesn't matter what I say, unless I sat down and had a conversation with you, there's no way you would try to understand. I actually do kinda understand your blatant frustration with anyone who might have narcissistic traits, and I can only imagine you have been hurt very badly. I pray your healing and find what your looking for. And I have no desire to upset you or a deep need for validation in this post. So I will go away. (Well, I won't post or comment again). I kindly suggest you don't reply again either. Don't allow someone else to take your power or control your emotions. Think about how powerful it will feel to walk away right now and have no desire to say another word. I hope that you interpret that as genuine and not cocky. I happen to be in a good place at the moment and am making a very real effort here.
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I am going to spend three days with my Narc Sis in Law. I am dreading! I am going to try Grey rocking but I blabber when nervous or anxious. Wish me luck.
It helps to have a empowering song to sing to yourself when you feel this way cause they hear nothing you say or will use your words against you & enjoy making you nervous or anxious- Pamper yourself during this time- a good book, try new foods, go to shops that are totally foreign to you- have fun & don't share any negativity of your spouse or others cause it will be used against you- remember she is not your friend & you will have a good time💙
@@carlya3035 My husband’s all about family and maintaining relationships it’s hard to not meet. Especially after one year of lockdown, it’s impossible to avoid. My hubby will think I am being mean. :(
@@catherinepraus8635 you’re right!! It’s always a fight/ competition that she initiates and wins. Even if I don’t give her any information she asks stuff about me from my husband. It’s so difficult, I am going to try harder. I am watching more and more YT videos on NPD before Labor Day, hopefully I will learn more tactics on dealing with NPD.
I'm watching this as an autistic person, and we have some of the same "symptoms" for a different reason. And a lot of us need to hear this. Especially the people who moan on Reddit that they know they hurt NTs and want to learn to understand them better but then balk at the idea of trying to understand what the NTs feel.
This helps with education, self awareness and realization. Using daily tools to be aware how I intake information and respond vs react. Realizing my traits is very difficult and hard to work through but I know I am able. I know I am/was a HSP now with CPTSD and resulting narcissistic traits. The road is long and a steep climb but is better than the effortless walk down! Thank You Thank You
I used to be a highly emphatic person. But over the years from narc abuse, years of self loathing injected from my narc mother, I’ve become so detached from myself and my ability to truly feel empathy and love. Growing up with a narcissist, you become used to constantly tailoring your actions to not make the narc angry, so much so that over time being your true authentic self doesn’t seem to come naturally anymore. I hope that i can heal from this one day.
Same 💕 sending you love
From what you stated you do have self awareness of your situation, and you also have a sense of what others or going through evidence by your statement about your mother. All you need is to understand and accept the situation and not try to medicate, cover up, or make excuses. You may want to consider therapy to do this work. You do have the sense of and consideration of what others are going through. Empathy is not making excuses for your behavior. Focus on being mindful of how your behavior affects others. And not blaming others. This is what I observed from your comment. I also do go through this with my Covert Narcissist husband. Sometimes I get frustrated, and I am not mindful of what I say. I am an empathetic person. I do struggle with the pain of my relationship. The bottom line for me is scientific remove the cause. Metaphorically, if you touch a hot pan, and it burns you. Don't touch it. Best wishes.
I lost much ability to empathise in a similar manner.
I hope it will come back.
It is a true loneliness to feel as though you lost yourself. 😞
It can. To me it's slowly coming back🧡
oh loved this: 'fixing isn't empathy, fixing is a way of not having to deal with the emotions of the situation.'
Actually, I can see how attractive it would be for a narcissist to start "fixing" somebody's problem. He's in a position of control now, doing it "his own way" and at the end the person "fixed" will owe him a big time. SO, it's a win-win situation for somebody egocentric. Also, they may fix it to shut up that little whingeing mite who makes it "all about himself" and annoys the hеll out of the poor narcissist.
Now, does my reply counts as showing empathy? LOL I know it doesn't. Just kidding.
Boomtown. Fixing isnt empathy.
I loved that part too.
Thinking about this in terms of reactive abuse, the narcissist can act as both the agent of chaos and the hero that can solve the chaos by fixing the problem they created.
In the case of something that is bothering you external to the narcissist, offering a solution is a way of enforcing the dichotomy between their "reasonableness" and your "hysteria."
Unskilled therapists don't understand it at all. I fired such unempathic therapists who try to fix things.
@@yukio_saito I understand. I asked my therapist to please remove me from her client list.
She acted like she got it. Yet she would blame me for not setting boundaries for my husband. I replied, you are aware I have been in a relationship with him for 35 years. Do you actually think I haven't communicated with him in that time period. He is not listening. And he is not going to change I do not have the Degree to even come close. She stated that is your choice. My therapist is aware that I am an RN. I did learn to set boundaries.
I just got back from my therapist appointment where I told them I could be a narcissist and wanted to change. They told me that since I acknowledged that what I did was wrong instead of being stubborn and defensive (I have always been defensive), it's unlikely that I am one. Still, I'm following you for more helpful advices on how to change the tendencies. Thank you for your contribution.
I think the most important part in dropping defensiveness is finding an inner circle of people who will not attack you if you admit you did something wrong. It helped me at least, over time to let go of this. This is the road to true confidence and life becomes infinitely better after this change.
My therapist told me the exact same thing. Yet people in my family are hurt by me and I can’t work on fixing myself because people who are supposed to help don’t believe me.
It gets tiring having to roam life feeling like the entire world is unsafe and against all the time. And in the process hurting people
Who care and have been supporting me. I do truly want to change.
Please make more videos for self aware.
Thank you!
i have actually come to this conculsion about my self... "Wait, if I keep trying to think about/aknowlage the fact that I am a narccisist , would that not mean I am not one since I'm aknowlading it and admitting I am in the wrong?", But then... isn't that a "Narsiccitic excuse"? but then wouldn't having the thought of questioning that self diagnosed psychological conclusion mean that I am again questioning myself instead of instantly being defensive? and then again I'm back to the "trying to convince myself and not acknowledging the problem.
So reading your comment, masterpys, I feel jealous that a therapist told you that, if I were to go to a therapy session prior to contemplating about this endless loop, i'd probably feel utterly relieved. also, I would love someone else to share their thoughts on this , do you think his therapists were right? wouldn't him still trying to stop being a narccisist even after a therapist told him he isn't , mean he isn't one?
Apologies for the possibly bad wording btw
It's impressive though that you DO want to work on yourself
I see it as a red flag when l set a boundary with someone in my life and they tespond with zero empathy. It truly does take empathy to treat those closest to us with respect and understanding.
@@Hi-Phi So true. I have also run away from such people.
Thank you Doctor Ramani.
I don't think I'm narcissistic: but I am a human who screws up -- this video is a good reminder on how to be a good person. How to connect, and be present for the people in my life who deserve the very best.
The world we live in is so cold, with social media being so toxic... It's really good to be reminded that many of us could do better, even if we're not narcissists.
I'm going to try harder, right now. I want to be a good person.
@@msPranksterPixie yes, we all have faults... And yes maybe everyone who is not self-conscious and does not work on themselves may get narcistic tendencies. But from what you wrote, I of course don't know you and I am not a specialist - but it seems to me, maybe you have PTSD post traumatic stress depression. Maybe worth while to look that up. Sending you love, you are not alone, you are a good person, I believe in you ❤️
@@june.w.1288 thank you. I really appreciate the love and warmth.
And I'm amazed at your skills, if you feel it's right for you, I think you'd make an excellent therapist!
(I say this as my diagnosis is C-PTSD and dissociative disorders, which I'd kept contained until a nervous breakdown. So you had it spot on just from reading one comment!!)
And I agree with you: with everything happening in society right now, it's very easy for people to become normalised or conditioned into narcissistic behaviours..... I mean, I wonder if that's a thing the science shows, that people who were not previously narcissistic, slowly become so, if the culture/subculture around them immerses them in the most toxic patterns.... I know sociology studies show mixed results re: media influence.
But anyways, away from pontifications.... You have an amazing talent for spotting psychological diagnoses. If you're not a therapist or psychologist, I think you'd go far in that field.
But only do it if you want to, and if you feel strong enough, and the relationships around you aren't narcissistic/abusive (as they'll drain so much from you work will be immensely hard).
Thank you 💜💜💜💜💜
@@msPranksterPixie I am glad I could help a little. I spotted it because I also went through this 😢 I felt the deep pain behind your words, I have written similar messages: I'm going to try harder, I want to be a good person... And it was so shattering when I didn't got any response... A little kindness can go a long way in healing a soul ❤️ But yes, I thought about becoming a therapist,, thank you for your support. Yes, unfortunately there are some narcissists around me, but it is not so bad as it was before. Since I know what is going on, it is easier to handle... They cannot draw me so easily into their manipulation games. Right now, I am learning resilience. But yes, becoming a therapist was a big dream of me once, I just didn't know then how to help others, since I myself had a lot of problems too. But maybe these bad things happened to me so that I have rich life experience 😅😢 and so I am able to help others better. I hope your life gets better and better every day and you find healing and freedom and happyness. If you want, we could write each other sometimes, but of course only if you have time. I am a woman, 32, with 2 children, a boy and a girl, married, we live in Hungary, Europe.
@@msPranksterPixie I would like to add something... You see, when I had problems, once I was foolish enough to post about it on social media... And I got some very bad advice afterwards from some people. Like, there was a friend, supposedly well meaning, who called me just 2 days before Christmas, and told me just stop being sorry for myself and go to a doctor who would prescribe me something and get over it... Well, it was very hurtful. I really believe that dr Ramani is right and when someone has a problem, what they need is emotional support, letting them feel they are not alone, and if anything, then try uplifting, motivating them, perhaps give information to solve problems.. but they should take into consideration that sometimes it takes time to solve problems, it won't happen over night... And it is already uncomfortable enough for a person to have those problems he/shr struggles a lot to solve....and putting even more pressure upon them to solve it immediately and saying harsh words, supposedly "ugly truths" - well it sometimes hurts a lot and it shows a lack of empathy and a narcistic trait that the advice giver cannot endure emotions and... Uncertainty when things are not black and white... Like it was said in the video. Those ugly truths, spoken with more care, with more carefully chosen words, they might faciliate change in a good way, but yes people should be very careful in giving advice... So they don't hurt an already wounded person even more. So what I wanted to say is, that it is very good if you do not trust people easily. I want to believe that there are still good people out there, who really know how to help someone heal,good friends, but unfortunately, we have to adapt to the world, and see that unfortunately not everyone is like that. If someone speaks about their problems, that makes it extremely easy for a malignant person to hurt them. It is like pointing out to them where to hit. So if someone is overly trustful, they can easily become pray to severely narcistic people, and that might multiply their problems and make it even more difficult for them to come out of all the things. So, I just wanted to tell you, you do it well. I hope I am not narcistic, but who am I to judge this, and it could be anyone, and it is a wise thing not to trust strangers easily. I hope this is uplifting for you and well, if it does not help you, at least it does not drag you down. Because I really wish you well. ♥️ Have a nice day, take care ❤️
"Empathy is just being present and sometimes being with the discomfort of another's uncomfortable emotions," well said!
I was accused of being the narcissist by the narcissist enough times that I actually wasn't so sure anymore. Very helpful video ❤️
Likewise, I've seen this occur. The narcissist calling anyone around who disagrees with them or has seen their bvllsh't or is in a positiin to call them out, 'a narcissist'. I never really knew much about it, but heard it over & over, & upon researching, it looks like pure projection & blameshiftig.
Buhaaaaaa…same here..the nerve to even go that route proves they love to deflect and blame shift
I recently read a similar comment under one of Dr. Ramani's videos. When you learn more about narcissism, these guys stand out like a sore thumb.
It's such a mindf*** to realize after all the years they were calling you selfish just for having your own opinions, needs and boundaries it was actually them who was extremely selfish. There's a lot of projection from narcissists that can confuse everyone around them. I remember he would pick at me for the smallest things and go "OOooooo, WOOWW, you're so self-centered" and I'd just be like, what? Why is that a big deal. Like I have a thumnail that goes straight to my FB page because I don't want to be distracted by the newsfeed when I check for messages and notifications. He rrrreally really dug into that as some extraordinary case of narcissism. I remember that just puzzled me. Why is this such a big deal and why is he so invested in thinking the absolute worst of me any time he can? Projection.
@@LXSeaV The big question that remains for me is: how do you know that when you actually called that other person a narcissist, they really are? because I have seen many patterns in my partner, for example, but how do you know that it is not a projection of yours? it's almost gaslighting yourself
ive learned in therapy, when we've been raised around toxic personalities, and/or been in these relationships; we take on parts of their bad patterns. Ive been having to adjust my fight or flight, my trying to help those verbalizing their struggles, trying to reflect to others, etc.
Don’t confuse your complex PTSD that you’re describing with narcissism.
It’s just a result of the abuse, not abuse itself. How to tell? Because other survivors won’t care when you react. They’ll understand. If you were really a narcissist they wouldn’t have anything to do with you.
Stop worrying.😊
@@FPVREVIEWS It is still not very clear to me what the difference is between pstd and narcissism. My partner and even I have lived with toxic parents and previous abusive relationships. but I started to see more patterns in her, and it feels very damaging not to understand who is being the narcissist or if both, all I know is that she was diagonistic as a histrionic person.
@@MrSarkis well, if you are looking for narcisistic traits, you will find some extent of them in anyone. it's on a scale, but it has to be pretty high up on the scale, to actually be narcissistic. we are all somewhat self interested, and all lack empathy at times. a true narc will never really care about anyone, not understand the concept, and be absolutely incapable of showing empathy, but may be able to fake any of these things for a period of time.. but usually just attack the other person instead when it will become obvious.
This video is so helpful for me. After growing up with a narc mom and coming out of a narc marriage I can say I have realized I have some narcissistic tendencies but I am very aware and self reflection work has really returned me to my normal empathetic self. Still working...
Yes, I also learnt some unhelpful behaviour patterns and am currently working on them. However, we are actually willing to put hard work and change them. That makes all the difference. And we don't enjoy hurting people.
@@steveblobs4851 that's right
Yeah, that's "empathy fatigue" happens after being with narc for many years
@@sabat8068 how can we cure it? I have it too.
It's also been described as narcissistic "fleas." It reminds me of "character hangover" that some actors use to describe how playing an extreme role can leak into their personal lives.
Good luck on your journey!
It's so unbelievably hard to find anything positive for someone with NPD. This is absolutely refreshing to find something positive, to want to help those who are aware.
My deceased father never learned real empathy. I am grateful for resources beyond parents to learn how to adult.
I love that your doing this. I don’t believe any person should just be written off because of the result of mental health issues. We are all growing. Everyone deserves the opportunity to self improve.
Agreed. At another channel there was a thread wishing to send all the narcissists to an isolated island. I mean... lol... it's a fantasy that's not doable, but I have to admit I participated. But I was willing to say "But they have to be narcissist for at least a third of their lives or 10yrs, which ever is longer. (To account for young adult narcissists and older ones). With them gone, the rest of us and those of us being led the wrong way can get a chance to breathe and revert back to healthy patterns. And maybe the people on Narcissist Island can also find a way to heal and come back to the world.
Someone got bent out of shape, and honestly I don't blame them. They said it was totalitarianism and practically despotic thinking. Yeah, OK. I agree. lol. Again, fantasy. But people can be healed.
Some people have no ability to care for others and go about their own life hurting others constantly.
So
Either life is precious or not.
And if it is… then the abusive people should not be allowed more chances to continue their activities once it’s obvious that they are toxic and harmful.
Second chances only allow them to become repeat offenders.
Or serial killers.
Do you really want that responsibility of allowing them to do it again and again?
Is it worse for them to kill someone or destroy their mind to the point where they want to die?
Think about this and don’t be ignorant about what’s actually happening.
Some people are just evil.
@@FPVREVIEWS Yeah. We need to keep them out of our lives and set our boundaries as individuals in this world. But Dr. Ramani has tools that could facilitate change in these hurtful people. It's better for society both in a utilitarian sense (less selfishness out there circulating), and just because we should strive to be a compassionate rather than retributive society. That being said, that is just a social constructivist position. At the end of the day, for the individual, I really do understand how discussions of this kind can feel like ONCE AGAIN the abusers are getting the focus and consideration, and a pass, while those they are hurting are left feeling invisible in the discussion. I really do believe Dr. Ramani and most of the people in this community are not shifting focus. Those suffering from narcissistic abuse come first.
@@FPVREVIEWS By watching Dr. Ramani I have become aware that some of the things I say and ways I behave are not okay. I was raised by a narc and do not want to hurt my children by repeating behaviors or statements that I used to think were "motivating" or "said with love" but are actually hurtful. In this video when Dr. Ramani advises us to be more present that is a change I need to make. When she said,
People who abuse children should be written off
I am full of real empathy. I realise this after lots of watching your series. Earlier, when just in the transition out of a connection with a narcissistic person, I couldn’t think so clearly, and wasn’t so confident. It is great that I now know this. ☺️
I have found the more I I am the target of narcissistic abuse, the more I exhibit narcissistic tendencies by keeping the conversation about me when around others which then invalidates others. Even though I have so much empathy and love to give, the cycle of self protection and self-preservation shows up time and time again throughout this healing process, which makes me look bad and feel terrible about myself.
"That's not empathy. That's coincidence."
"Legacy doesn't mean destiny."
🤯🤯🤯🤯
facts.
lol coincidence. maybe narcs just need coincidences every day every moment to wake up that they're not the only person here.
never thought of coincidence in this way! :)
I am a narcissists! Thank you Dr. Ramani for putting this out. I embraced my narcissists ways in the past, it wasn't till I tried to take my own life in 2016 that I saw the errors of my ways. A lot of inner child work and therapy has taken me to be a better person. I'm trying to NOT be a narcissists, every year I am removing who I was and becoming a person I am proud of. Dr. Ramani is right, it is worth it for yourself and others. Thank you, again for this video.
Kudos for doing this work. The world doesn't see it, but I do.
So happy for you fr!!! How did you develop the compassion and forgiveness for the old you
All the best for you. Amen
What kind of therapy helped you?
Thanks for breaking down “agentic empathy.” I have misconstrued it as authentic empathy and when I figured out what was happening I’ve never felt more deceived.
Sometimes I do worry that I'm becoming just like the narc in my life after almost 50 years I started fighting fire with fire until I realized my match was no 'match' for his gasoline fire. Now, I just stay away from him as much as is possible. I'm no longer trying to communicate the way he does because that's not who I am.
Only 10 years so far over here, but same feelings. I stay away to stay out of the mud. Which is lonely in marriage. 😔
@@k79311 It certainly is a total waste, isn't it? Wasted and sad. For me my children, grandkids and great grandkids fill my life. I'm so very blessed by them and frankly, if it meant I would have to give them up I would relive my life just to have them!!
Yeah, better to just build up a ‘firewall’ around you in the presence of the narcissist. We can’t beat them at their own game. They have had a lifetime of perfecting their manipulations & other tactics. Empaths are not wired to use narcissistic tactics; we will mostly just screw them up. But if we play to our strengths, we can protect ourselves from some further abuse. God bless!
Yeah. I thought that fighting fire with fire would at least show them how their behaviour is hurtful. Guess I was wrong.
@@h4xi0rek We are no match for their way of thinking and acting. They win every time cause they it's just in their nature. It comes naturally to them.
Thank you so much for this content! I took notes!
My husband is a huge empath.
I'm very analytical and very much a realist. I tend to think that if unfortunate things happen to people, it's their fault for being either naive or too passive, etc.
I eventually reached a point in our marriage where it would hurt my heart to see my behavior chip away at his spirit. I finally agreed to seek therapy. At one point, I mentioned to her that I thought I might be a narcissist. She dismissed me saying that narcissus NEVER admit they need help.
I now see this is incorrect. Thank you again for these tips. These are exactly the things I struggle with when having a conversation. Emotions make me very uncomfortable. And I know I need to stop jumping at my turn to speak and really listen. I'll be seeking a new therapist.
Yes. Therapy helps a lot. My therapist was great.
There are many of us out here that have been around the narcissistic personalities so long that we have adapted a shell that allows us to exist among them with our shields up.That does make us look upon first glance to be an 'aware narc'
I never could put up shields until one day I had the realization that was because it was so natural to me as a child to live with those shields up that I no longer noticed them at all. I had learned to NEVER let them down in the first place.
The fact that I had no idea why I needed them in the first place except I knew I could trust no one in my own family never really occurred to me.
I had no frame of reference to compare it to ' normal'. Heck it WAS my SNOP -standard normal operating procedure.
If I would have had any inkling that I was dealing with not right in the head people it would have made my life so different. As it was, I adapted; I already knew I was the scapegoat, but did not know that was a thing. I knew my place in the pecking order; rock bottom, but I was the youngest and an empath and truth teller. At 6 or 7 you have no experience to refer to on anything.
My partner seemed normal to me when I met him, but has developed into a clueless overt victim over the years. It is like having a potentially dangerous child that you cannot control. One adaptation that happens with anger over the situation is that you adopt their shit to deal with their shit. Pulling back from that adaptation takes self-awareness and time to let the anger go. 2 years ago I was one angry bitch that let everyone who did not get it...I let them have it with both barrels. My kids and this channel saved my ass. I am human once again and I am now vulnerable in very good ways. Not co dependent or angry at the world.
I have you Dr. Ramani to thank for that awareness....nameste~
I want to hit the thumb up more then once on this one!
@@urch4ever Here's another thumbs up from me. Very well stated, Karen.
♥️
Umhm, shields/walls and numbness/"why-am-I-saying or doing-this?" are some annoying aftereffects.
PTSD
May God reward you in a unique way.
My mother would tell me, “you were always selfish. Even as a baby.” I cant believe she was narcissistically injured by her own infant baby. Lol my mom is pathetic.
Pathetic . . . To the point of hilarity! Gotta be careful of those selfish baby types! 😂🙄
lmao, your mom and my mom should have tea parties. My mom says she was overwhelmed and if I weren't such a bad little kid... Meaning, 30 years old was the victim of a 10yr old. Oh brother.
By the way, is your mom Judeo-Christian religious? Don't tell her about Psalm 58: 3. Wacky stuff.
"The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies."
@@floxendoodle942 😂😂😂
Yes, that is projection... She projects her own faults to others... So sorry for you 😢
I did not create the narcissist and it’s not my job to fix them. I am responsible for myself. I create my own reality. What I focus on I get more of. I’m grateful for the lessons I have learned.❤️
This can be soooo useful even for those who have moments of narcissism rather than a pattern of personality disorder. Everyone can learn to recognize those times when we are jerks and how to get out of that pattern while we define our boundaries and strengthen our healthy behavior.
I choose to look
At my partner’s personality disorder( mental health issues) from a photo of him as an adorable little two year old. When i case at his innocence i feel compassion for his deep hurts that fold over onto me. However i view it as loving as i can… some days are really bad with him and he can quickly become a monster to me. I have this photo of him in a place where i reach for it as often as i need to. I also remind myself just because i have compassion It doesn’t mean i have to spend the rest of my life with him.
I feel like a lot of people react the way narcs do to other people's sadness, because they have been conditioned to be afraid of bad/sad emotions. Hence the desire to deflect/share their own experiences, or wanting to "fix" the other person's problem. Even then, you can tell who really cares and who doesn't!
Yeah, very true
And some people who share their own experiences do so as a kind of commiseration and an implicit acknowledgement that this was a bad thing that happened to the other person. Autistic people do that a lot, though there are times when non-autistic people do this as well.
Brilliant series. You are a highly skilled instructor, Dr. Ramani. I especially appreciate the preface, "This is a disclaimer. This is not meant to be a series that fosters hope for the survivors of Narcissistic Abuse that things are going to change." I love how you ended with, paraphrasing, And do not forward this to someone you think is a Narcissist and needs to watch this. It's like calling them out and that never works.
Thank you for this .
I always helped my colleagues, the track record is there . I assist my sister's financially . But when the narcissists can't get what they want it doesn't matter what you did .You need to be their slave always ready to serve them .
This makes me so happy. I was born in a very narcissistic cult and didn’t realize it was and that I was. Glad to see something geared towards those who learned it from their surroundings.
I'm not a narcissist but my both parents are narcissists. And as a son grow up in this family my empathy skill works for narcissists or toxic people, but my empathy skill is not working well when I'm with normal, healthy people and when I try to understand their feelings. I understand healthy peoples feelings a little late, like 1 hour after meeting them...
Me too. The penny drops hours later, but with the narcissists you get it straight away.
@@joannakerr6231 It seems like there are other people who got this issue too, i didn't know. it hardens developing healthy relationships with healthy people...
PTSD
@@michellefarris3961 Thanks, I'll add it to the list, it can be one of the reasons...
I've never thought about that, but I think I have the same issue. I always get it like an hour later because normal people aren't as loud and/or bitchy as the narcissists are. We get used to thinking all the messages we get are going to be loud, rude and cruel, so anyone communicating with a softer touch can go often go unheard because we're just not used to that frequency unfortunately.
That felt very real and the advice was really good. Some people temporarily behave narcissistically in part due to NP disorders, and trauma, so if you genuinely do care about people and you are willing to put into effort, this advice can be really helpful. It is a shame a lot of counsellors dismiss narcissism as a problem, just because it can be difficult and controversial to diagnose. I definitely have traits of it, while also being a victim of full fledged anti-social narcissists.
Best thing you can do in my experience is to try to leave any toxic relationship or situation ASAP and work on yourself in individual therapy, (even though it's too hard and sometimes dangerous for some people). It's worth the effort. Self-loathing and constant fear is not fun, and seeing people you care about hurt because of your insecurity and lack self-esteem is completely unnecessary.
Love this let the narcissist and the survivors heal ❤
Finally a counstructive video aimed towards narcissists
It's wasted energy.
@@michellefarris3961 i will still try to implement it
@@ashi6838 Yeah, they have a lot of enablers. Best to you.
@@michellefarris3961 i am the narcissist here, not the victim.
Thank you
@@ashi6838 Great initial comment. It's hard enough for self-aware narcissists to improve without the superior naysayers putting you down. Those naysayers are so pathetic.
Thanks for this video! I've been growing in awareness of my narcissism, and I really appreciate the guidance you offer because I don't want to be that way any more.
Narcissism left me miserable and ruined my life. Learning to listen to people and actually care about them helps me to feel connected and brings real joy to my life.
Thank you for the enormity of your courage, and thank you for sharing with us the broken parts of you. It's extremely rare for a narcissistic individual to allow this, but when they do, I am only too happy to pour my love into the cracks of their wounded and tormented soul.
You never cease to amaze me. What a treasure you are to so many.
When you talk about empathy for others who have had something good happen, this is what Buddhists call “Sympathetic Joy”. Meaning “the ability to feel the joy another feels “ (and to also feel it because we are all so very connected ).
The Person I have had to deal with that clearly has NPD does NOT feel sympathetic joy towards others.
Thank you for all of these videos. You are helping me yo not only understand the person with NPD but to move away from the relationship without too many scars! You are great at this! Thanks so much!
I have learned so much since learning about myself. In my brokenness I am in the process of healing . I'm turning loneliness into solitude and in solitude I find peace. Carry on dr. Ramani...
Thank you so much for this, Dr. R. At the ripe old age of 50, I'm finally realizing what a narc my mother is and has been all of her life. I'm also noticing that I learned and incorporated LOTS of her bad behaviors into my own life. I'm regretful, guilty, and absolutely pissed for not seeing these in myself sooner. Knowing I have to work double hard on eradicating these monstrous behaviors from my own life and how to even get started is daunting. It is helpful to know that this is "a thing" and people can work on it and there is a starting point. Your videos have been a constant companion since my father died last winter and I got to experience the full brunt of my mother's issues. I thank you for helping me cope and feel like I'm not as much of a selfish monster as I thought I was.
**Thanks for watching! don't forget to hit the subscribe button! Fore more enlightenment WhatsApp me ➕ONE:EIGHT:SIX:TWO:SIX:SIX:SIX:ONE:FOUR:THREE:ZERO.,.,.,*
Thanks for this important info! As a sensitive empathetic human I’ve always wanted to fix other people’s pain and launch into how I dealt with things. 😬 clearly non productive.
I'm an Empath and was raised by a narcissistic mother and my father was easy going. Thank you so very much. This makes me feel so happy 😊 . I also have ASD.
I have a honest question, how can you be an empath and in the range of autism?
Doesn't that contradict each other?
I work with Kids with autism and i am honestly confused how those 2 combine!
Thanks in advance!
@Chiveaux Snow it is good to hear your Story of survival, i am not able to call myself an empath, because that would be Bad for me in the longrun.
I fear the sensitivity will reduce itself by time.
Still i am very interested how those 2 combine.
@Chiveaux Snow first of All thanks a lot for answering and Not taking offense by the question.
I try to improve my communication skills with non-to-almost-non-verbal Kids in Kindergarden and i have to admit I am not rlly familiar with those 2.
I think i have to study a little bit deeper.
Thanks again
@@seppbookwood8163 maybe rethink your job. maybe if you cant see that ASDs have empathy, go apply at taco bell. sorry.
me too. but my pa is narcissistic too. im so confused now and terrified i am a narcissist. all my life ive been told things were as they actually werent. so 50 years later my reality is super screwy. how do i know? PS i was/am the scapegoat. or am i just a covert/ vulerable narc...?
So I've been diagnosed with Gallstones. Gallstones can form from stress. Stress causes high cortisol levels, high cortisol levels can form Gallstones. I don't eat sugar, in short nothing that would cause Gallstones from my diet. I remember a video when she noted a lot of people dealing with a narcissist developed problems in their abdomen. Well, there's nothing more stressful than dealing with a narcissist. I'm glad it's not something worse. Not unlike a narcissist, you can live without a Gallbladder. I have no choice but to eject them both out of my life before they cause a terminal illness.
Wow. What a huge leap of rationalization. You've taken"True:True:Unrelated" to a new level.
"Variable Empathy" and "Agentic Empathy" really help explain narcessists.
Very informative again, I had many spine surgeries, if I would complain if pain, mine would point out something on them and explain how bad that hurt, this was her attempt at empathy, because they are so centered on self and how everything makes them feel, they can't see outside that box per say, sympathy comes off as superficial even, they authentically can't create or regulate most if not all of their emotions at any given moment, they can mirror the emotions, and if you're close enough to the narc to be some form of supply, they will mirror your every emotion as their own. Thank you again for this highly informative video series.
Hope you are doing well! It's tough when your spouse always has to one up you. I know it made me feel invisible. Best of luck to you ❤️
So glad for this video. Your other video on "10 things narcissists can do to change their narcissistic behavior" has really been helping me at work and in other areas of my life.
I started watching your channel (and others) because I had a grandiose narcissist roommate/friend who abused the rest of us living there and I felt angry and helpless. I thought she was a covert narcissist based on the way other youtubers defined that term (like its a secret she was keeping and she's good at hiding it.) When I got to your videos on vulnerable narcissism and learned what that really is, I made a grisly discovery about myself and realized that's (at least part of) the reason I'm so isolated and nothing in my life is working out. I see a lot of myself in the borderline personality as well. It took at least 15 years to get here as I was always in therapy blaming the world for why my life wasn't working out, and I received diagnoses other than this one. I have experienced narcissistic abuse from classmates, friends, and from within the family, and I may or may not be truly narcissistic myself, but your content is extremely helpful for anyone looking to improve themselves!
Thank you for this. Sometimes it think my block or push back with certain people in my life is because they constantly violate my boundaries and don’t respect my no despite me saying it numerous times. Then I’m criticized by them and made out to be the bad guy so I think it’s all my fault. Then I feel bad so cave and do what they want cause I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Frustrating. Lots to unravel for sure. Thank you. 🙏❤️
OMG watching this video finally gave me some hope that I'm not the narcissist, I do listen intently and have cared too much :(
I have had terrible experiences with narc abuse and one particular scary one that still I haven't healed from fully, was 11 years ago :(
As I learnt about narc abuse, I kept doubting myself for being evil.
I have flaws, sometimes even tendencies I've noticed that eerily seem narc, hope to work on them.. and feel better. Also, I don't hurt anyone, my parents may have had some collateral damage for I still experience CPTSD :(
Sending love to survivors ❤
I used to be a narcissist until a life event happened that ripped me apart i no longer was able to hold yhe narc image even if i tried, i entered a dark hole and came out full of love, then after years of that somehow my narcissist self and compassionate self made union, now i navigate life with balance, i feel compassion at times and be logical and apathetic at other times, in both ways i choose not to hurt ppl or pamper people too much (although i much possibly can). I think narcissism can be healed but you have to go through a very very dark door.
Getting called out on narc tendencies ironically is what helped me FINALLY STOP exhibiting covert narc/vulnerable narc tendencies 😅, while being exposed to others whose situations were off than mine helped me develop empathy.
A saint!
I see some of me in here. Trying to fix. Gonna stop doing that. Thank you so much!
Feels like finding an empathetic person who will just listen & show they care is nearly impossible. And everyone says therapy, but when the therapist demands to know all your trauma history on the first visit or in writing even before meeting in person but can't be bothered to say one word of validation, empathy, or compassion, it seriously re-traumatizes the person in need of help. I'm thankful for you and others who post helpful content online.
Only too show up too therapy get really really really bad advice and gas lit by a new psychiatrist so I literally trust none of these folks it's a unique situation I'm disregulated angry no empathy and its my fault for giving myself a personality disorder like ....ok then I was better off drinking drugging and doing my own thing it was safer and I didn't have too keep rewiring my brain too deal with society cultural norms that labeled me antisocial before I had a chance too prove no I'm not antisocial I'm just not a door mat ....now I'm addicted too drugs I hate and a family that believes the hype legal drugs legal drugs are addictive you pharmaceutical whores .
As a (heavily) narcissistic person who has been watching your videos for quite some time, I'm very glad and grateful you've started making videos like this. Any piece of advice/information that helps us tackle our issues is welcome. Thank you!
Thank YOU.
And here's the kicker: change is REAL. We believe in you!
Thank you for dropping the stigma towards cluster b in this video.
I love you did this video! Being on the other side of this, what to do if you are,honestly never occured to me. As Id given up on trying to fix Narcs. To me, you have the heart, mind soul of a very compassionate teacher. Good on you!
Love you pull no punches. Btw, Good Morning!
I had to laugh because just as I was thinking that I should forward this to my husband, Ramani pops up and says DON'T! HAHAHA. I was only half serious anyway🤣🤪
I’m always so tempted to send the videos to my soon to be ex husband to show him I’m not crazy, but I think he’s always known!
I like this. Since many of us tend to wear masks in public hoping that will help us fit in better this kind of advice is good for everyone to remember and be reminded of. For those of us wanting to work as care giver more than just being mediocre at it we need to work at it too. I miss my late sister Sharon who never feared taking me to task whenever she saw me acting less empathetic.
Omg THANK YOU for this!! You're an angel!!!
Mrs. Ramani, you have definitely explained things I have always wondered about. One was how I always was able to turn conversations back to myself, why I did this. I didn’t understand except I just assumed I was selfish and I need not to be. But I never related this to lack of empathy. I’m gonna watch this video at least100xs out until I get it. I was only catching bits and pieces I could relate too so I know this will help. Seemed greek to me. I’m so ready, selfish lifestyle is so exhausting.
Btw I had already been working on things like kindness, being gentle and mindful but your video was very helpful!! Thank you
I have had to do the exact opposite. I am extremely empathetic.
And I have been a people pleaser.
I actively have to practice not jumping up and being the one who rushes to help.
Knowledge is Power. You are saving lives. I am a 75-year-old woman that loves to learn. This subject should be taught in schools starting in elementary through college and beyond. The first thing I do in the morning is to start looking forward to learning something new with Doctor Ramani and my first cup of coffee every morning. What an absolute blessing and I am so grateful and thankful, your valuable advice helps make me feel regulated and contented for the day. You have saved my life and helped me become aware that my parents were narcissistic and had overlapping mental disorders. Through empathy and much remorse, I have learned to love unconditionally from a distance and understand their issues, and how to accept their diagnosis with compassion, grace, and mercy. Learning and refreshing my mind every day helps me stay on track and filled with understanding and love for all of us that have suffered with or by someone diagnosed with this debilitating disease.
And narcissistic fleas ... It can also be a learned behavior that you do something or more often, and could use a healthier tactic. Eg. Stonewalling/gray rocking/removing oneself/taking a time out, can have the same results, same goal, but completely different origin.
Edit: though I don't consider myself narcissistic, I do tend to try fixing more than being just empathic. I'm really grateful this was pointed out to take into consideration. Usually people want to brainstorm out loud or look outside of their box (at least to in my experience), but I do understand the need to just vent a bit from time to time without an hour long problem-solving debate.
I am HERE for more of the self aware content!! PLEASE!! There might be more of us out there then you think 🤔
*applause* wish you the best on your path to healing
This was a great video. Empathy has always been a tricky thing for me. I think there's a rush to judgment that anyone who has a hard time with empathy is a narcissist. If you were raised or conditioned through trauma to fix things that could be the way you think you should show love. I've learned through therapy that's not always the case. For years, empathy seemed like woo woo hippie stuff - "I hear you... I see you..." but practicing it daily (and it is a practice) has made it more of an authentic response and has helped me in many parts of my life. Keep at it!
@Enjoy in Joy may I add Inner Child Work? When npd is caused by early trauma your inner child needs to learn it is safe now: You are safe now. Your emotions (all) are safe. Take the jump into the scary unknown of working through your past to find out it's worth it.
Yes, sara, there are definitely too many of you.
Why don't you take a hint and quit showing up for supply and to turn all the attention and playing-a-victim back on yourself. For real, GO AWAY!
Thank y'all for constructive suggestions and helpful comments.
thank you so much, I'm borderline, and sometimes I act narcistically even if I'm not, and this is really helpful to put what I've noticed and worked on in simpler clearer words, thank you a lot! Empathy really is a wonderful thing I regret losing sight of sometimes. It's really the core of a healthy mental health for everyone.
Worked for a narcissist jerk. He drones on and on about the need for the rest of us to show empathy. Sounded like he was familiar with the concept even if he didn’t practice it. Classic projection - he got feedback and turned around and gave it to us.
Exactly, classic projection. They are told all of the details about themselves but instead of taking ownership for their wrongdoings and self reflecting they just project onto the people around them.
Thank you so much for making this video!! Was recently made aware of narcissist habits I have and was feeling alone. Have a ways to go and it's scary AF!!
This is a good reminder not to fear discovering mannerisms that need to be changed, and to keep pushing forward towards being a better person. ❤️❤️❤️
Best of luck on your path Tory :-)
The school where I was working tried to use 'coping' skills. Didn't work. To cope is not enough. Actually, it is and can be quite cold-hearted. This empathy thing to me sounds a lot like having good manners too.
I remember as a kid I was kind and always wanted to help others without asking for nothing in return. But as I grew up I learned from my parents, friends, some teachers, and some US media in the 2000's empathy and kindness was seen as a weakness, naivety, an advantage that needs to taken of, and immaturity. I pushed down the kindness and empathetic traits I learned from some other media as I grew up because I wanted to become and be seen as mature.
It wasn't until later when I was an adult in my 20's I noticed something wasn't right with this toxic and narcissistic way of thinking and abusing. And took even longer to realize that empathy isn't a weakness or it's your fault for being kind, empathetic, and helpful then be taken advantage of; it's the people who abuse empathetic people in the first place. And unfortunately that's seen as pretty much the norm as of right now. But even if it is, it's not good to go with that norm, it's toxic and harmful. And you don't have to always go with the norm.
TL;DR even if you grew up in an environment with lots of narcissistic people around, you won't and don't have to become them. It takes work to relearn empathy after learning toxic and narcissistic ways of thinking and acting, but eventually you get there. And not only are you better for others, you're also better for yourself. Legacy isn't destiny.
Please please also be aware that even if the narcissist claims they are ready to change it doesn’t mean that they really are ready. I really wish these narcissistic people would stop asking the people in their lives to take the place of a therapist and asking to evaluate everything they do. I get that maybe some people with narcissistic tendencies might change at some point but it is not taking responsibility asking people in their life to explain to them what counselors do or what types of modalities are best for them or how they should deal with emotions or what contributed to their lack of empathy or to make them feel better. Changing is not a group effort. It is not being self aware to say you know how much damage you have caused and then want to go through your childhood with the person who wants to leave the relationship. This is unfair and uncalled for.
I am at least narcissistic. If not avoidant. I have emotionally and mentally abused my wife without looking at myself until 11 years later. The abuse damage is REAL. It has caused an auto-immune desease in her that is severely compromising her health and shortening her life. Thank you for supporting the abuse survivors. And for trying to reach out to the narcissists to help us understand our impact on others. I’m definitely trying to reach that 75%.
Thank you for doing this video. I've watched quite a few of your videos, and now that I've opened my eyes, many of them leave me feeling like a monster. I believe that I'm a narcissist, and it's very difficult to find information on what to do when one realizes that you have some things about yourself that are mentally and emotionally unhealthy, particularly narcissism. It's nice to know there's things you can do to change and that it's not completely hopeless. So thank you again, for all the videos you do, not just this one.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this!!! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve shared here. I’ve needed this information, clarity, and encouragement. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Great video!
I see many narcissistic traits in myself. I guess that's all I knew growing up - both caregivers were highly narcissistic and my father was absent. I have much trauma and confusion from growing up. I grew up scared and hating myself too. I tried to work on those issues and still have to deal with my N mother day-to-day... So thank you for those videos.
However, I've experienced the most satisfaction by untangling my own narcissistic traits. It feels refreshing to step out of my own victimhood and take control & responsibility for my own actions. It feels empowering, and I feel even my own relationships with my mother have gotten so much more stable and satisfying as I'm not focusing anymore so much of how I'm not getting empathy or understanding but on how I myself act more decently. I wish others could feel the epiphany of this work but most importantly I wish to become free and strong and a pleasant person to be around, an example to my own children (if I ever get a chance to have any...) or at least leave a positive footprint in someone else's life, so please... Please keep making these videos of how we can improve ourselves, see our own faults, fix them and move on (without ever having to feel guilty for what we haven't done or inadequate!!). There's so much to navigate in this life... Wish it were be easier... But people like you spread awareness... 🙏🏼
Dang!
I saw this title & stopped my music to watch this. How interesting!
I hope they watch it too.😊✌🏻
Thank you! I absolutely love every minute of your videos. Much like some of your other subscribers, I start my days with coffee and you. I've learned so much thus far and, of the patterns that I'd previously recognized, you gave the words for them or you (and those who share in comments) have validated my own experiences for me. For the first time in my life, I feel a real peace of mind knowing that, just because I might be isolated, it doesn't mean I'm alone. And I might be lonely but today isn't forever and just connecting with others who've experienced similar cruelties diminishes the loneliness I've felt. My truth doesn't have to be entirely surrendered just to appease someone else's insatiable need to preserve their own ego for vanity's sake. Admittedly, sometimes it's easier or safer to just appease them but I don't have to help them by gaslighting myself or giving them excuses for their bad behaviors. I'm not 'crazy' or a 'joke' or a 'fool' because I DO care about others, they are the dysfunctional ones because they DON'T care and, as you've clarified, it's not that they can't... it's that they choose not to. They CHOOSE not to. Thank you!! I wondered about that! After being around some of these people for so long, the excuses that they gave themselves or that I gave them didn't hold up and, invariably, I thought; how could they NOT know what love is? How could they NOT know what compassion is? Or just human decency? They're basking in it, day in and day out!! I thought; they KNOW what love is because they're GETTING it... and they love GETTING it... but they don't GIVE it. I couldn't understand why... why wouldn't someone WANT to love others as they've been loved. I couldn't understand why it seemed so impossible to love some people into a healthier place where they're actually able to give as well as they receive. Finding YOU and your videos has so deeply enriched my life and, whether or not I'm ever able to share my experiences with others and feel safe, you've given me a peace of mind that I'm normal. I'm just in some very unhealthy and abnormal situations... and dealing with some very unacceptable behaviors. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. ♥️ I have hyperempathy but after being raised in a narcissistic household I often still worry about having my own narcissistic tendencies that I’ve picked up along the way just from being surrounded by these personality styles my whole life, and I think this is really helpful for people in my situation too!
Good to know that I am doing some healthy behaviors. I was raised by narcs. Siblings became narcs, sadly. And because I normalised the behavior, found myself in abusive work and personal relationships.
The lockdown was hard. But it gave me a chance to get off the crazy train. I have been no contact for over a year with family and toxic friends and I feel great.
Every day I find myself less angry and more loving.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for having empathy with humanity. It’s a tough subject tackling narcissism.🤔❤️
Thank God for YOU… I do feel that narcissist abuse saviors do NOT have the appropriate representation. I believe people need “sensitivity training” for narcissistically abuse individuals. I personally have experienced being re-traumatizing by people who simply wasn’t “sensitive” to my feelings of my narcissist abuse since childhood. I thank you for this.
I think I can relate to this. So many times I’ve been called “sensitive” in relationships. I can not help what I feel and my emotions are valid.
@@pault9544 Yeah. "Grow up!" and "I'm not going to coddle you!" Said by enablers and narcissists I gravitated towards. It's harmful and keeps you anchored in the pain.
Thank you , your right some problems can’t just be “fixed” it’s not the simple . I know understand that trying to right my wrongs is gonna be a long road and a lot of dealing face to face w bad decisions I’ve made .
I've been wondering if I am narcissistic since both my parents are, but after watching I do actually genuinely care about people and have done a ton of therapy and self help to improve my emotional intelligence. I can be selfish sometimes, which I think I was confusing it with narcissism. My point is thank you! I love these videos, it helps me to navigate my relationships with my parents!
You may have developed certain defense strategies that work against narcissists but didn't realize were being used on innocent people. I began developing the same. But in actuality, I do care about people and when people are NOT watching I have done things to improve a situation for someone or the community not looking for accolades. (not even now lol). Perhaps that is your situation? Not that you're a narcissist, only that you developed traits and you notice "I don't like that about me" which is normal, which is what normal people do when they take a dive in their behaviors. :)
Hi, Dr. Ramai. I have been watching your channel for a long time and I love it so much. You sound like you are a bit unwell today and I appreciate from my heart that you are able to make today's video despite your unwellness and I just want to say thank you so much.🙂 I hope you feel better soon.
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My narcissistic person would always talk to the kids and I about having empathy. Someone is watching videos on narcissism besides the victims of narcissistic abuse! He didn’t have much empathy when he was telling my kids that I was stealing their savings or when he was hiding my belongings or triangulating me with the exes or hacking my accounts……………..
My narc sister told us life is too hard for her cause she's an empath!
I have known narcissists that are capable of the empathy described in this video. What I think needs to be addressed is how narcissists abandon empathy when they are having any feelings of their own or when nobody's looking. For example, when they hurt those closest to them with actions like cheating and when they shut down their partners with rage when they try to talk about their feelings that make the narcissist feel shame.
This sounds like borderline personality disorder not NPD
RAMANI! Thank you, finally for making this video. Therapy is very hard for anyone narcissistic to accept or get into. But watching the videos through the screen of a computer and listening to you has been in a way so much easier of a therapy or a learning experience in someone I almost feel that I don't know. I feel like I know you in some small way and that you know me even though we've never met. And I think that small catalyst was essential to the process of beginning to learn how healthy narcissism can be just as validating and powerful as maladaptive behavior.
Hi Dr. Ramani I would love to see more videos directed at self-aware narcissists; most of the material out there only makes us feel worse and hopeless.
Go away. Sam vaknid is a self-professed narc. Go to his channel, or start your own pity parties somewhere else. Abusers and victims need to be separate.
I hear you. I'm glad to realize my intuition was correct because I had that very concern for people in your position even before reading your comment.
The comment about being underserved by the mental health community could not be more true. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!!! 😊
If you grow up in a narcissistic family environment, you believe that narcissistic behavior is just normal behavior and act accordingly. You don't even think that there might be anything wrong with how you are behaving.
That is, you may have some narcissistic tendencies simply because you were exposed to them during childhood and taught to emiulate them. I was one of these.
For people who are in this group but do not really have a narcissistic personality, change will happen if you want it to.
One day, I discovered that I am an empath and that explained a LOT of why I was different. Once that happened, I began to see what these childhood-learned traits really were. I just stopped doing them, stopped thinking like that and stopped looking at other people that way.
Freedom is out there if you want it.
I thought it might be me in 2014. I took tests and realized it was PTSD. I get angry when triggered. Most of the time I’m good at controlling my anger but being 53 and female in 2014 turned normal PTSD alone into not being able to control my mouth. DBT takes time to work. Biggest thing I had to learn was to let go. I don’t control anything and it takes up too much valuable time trying. I was raised taking care of a narcissistic mother and my younger sister on days when she just couldn’t adult. I always had the notion that if I made everyone else around me happy then things would be peaceful. It doesn’t work. They’re never happy and nothing I ever did was good enough.
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It’s so interesting to think if they got help earlier in life or listened to their intrusive thoughts would they be different?/treat people different? So interesting. Thanks Dr Ramani
This is so important and I'm glad you help them too, only if they want to see the video. They certainly need lots of help too, for their own benefit, of the people they interact with, and for the world at large. Thank you Dr. Ramani! You are an amazing human being💕
please make more like this video, as a self aware narcissist, this is content I've been waiting for!
Its so draining when you are around people who want to fix you. They are already holding you in the light of brokenness, not wholeness.
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Can I politely add that those of us with high trait narcissism, often unconsciously feel empathy as a reactive response rather than a proactive approach to relationships. Having to remind yourself to care when you have no reason to is not a fun feeling to have about yourself.
No, no one here cares about narcs anymore. We're sick of your self-centeredness, exactly what you are displaying now. Go start your own pity party channels and leave decent people alone.
@@michellefarris3961 oh how I would love to destroy this one. But I'm gonna take the bigger route & just let you be great.🤍
@@LandofOzOfficial Yes, I'm sure you want to play the hero for the audience.
Or resort to abuse. Why don't you just go away.
@@michellefarris3961 I am for real sorry if commenting on this video triggered you. I have zero bad intentions whenever I watch Dr. Ramanis videos & only do it from a place of trying to become a better person. I genuinely mean that. I also have a feeling it doesn't matter what I say, unless I sat down and had a conversation with you, there's no way you would try to understand. I actually do kinda understand your blatant frustration with anyone who might have narcissistic traits, and I can only imagine you have been hurt very badly. I pray your healing and find what your looking for. And I have no desire to upset you or a deep need for validation in this post. So I will go away. (Well, I won't post or comment again). I kindly suggest you don't reply again either. Don't allow someone else to take your power or control your emotions. Think about how powerful it will feel to walk away right now and have no desire to say another word. I hope that you interpret that as genuine and not cocky. I happen to be in a good place at the moment and am making a very real effort here.
So meaningful to me thank you my Dear Dr.Ramini 💜
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Thank you Doctor Ramani ❤️
Great, I hope all people can listen to this great video especially in the time of using social media and I.phone
I am going to spend three days with my Narc Sis in Law. I am dreading! I am going to try Grey rocking but I blabber when nervous or anxious. Wish me luck.
It helps to have a empowering song to sing to yourself when you feel this way cause they hear nothing you say or will use your words against you & enjoy making you nervous or anxious- Pamper yourself during this time- a good book, try new foods, go to shops that are totally foreign to you- have fun & don't share any negativity of your spouse or others cause it will be used against you- remember she is not your friend & you will have a good time💙
Straight and holding your grace don't give her any Ammunition they just want to fight an unwinnable fight good luck my dear it's hard
@@salettamyers8845 thank YOU! These are great tips! I will try to focus on fun things, my child and pampering. ❣️
@@carlya3035 My husband’s all
about family and maintaining relationships it’s hard to not meet. Especially after one year of lockdown, it’s impossible to avoid. My hubby will think I am being mean. :(
@@catherinepraus8635 you’re right!! It’s always a fight/ competition that she initiates and wins. Even if I don’t give her any information she asks stuff about me from my husband. It’s so difficult, I am going to try harder. I am watching more and more YT videos on NPD before Labor Day, hopefully I will learn more tactics on dealing with NPD.
I'm watching this as an autistic person, and we have some of the same "symptoms" for a different reason. And a lot of us need to hear this. Especially the people who moan on Reddit that they know they hurt NTs and want to learn to understand them better but then balk at the idea of trying to understand what the NTs feel.
This helps with education, self awareness and realization. Using daily tools to be aware how I intake information and respond vs react. Realizing my traits is very difficult and hard to work through but I know I am able. I know I am/was a HSP now with CPTSD and resulting narcissistic traits. The road is long and a steep climb but is better than the effortless walk down!
Thank You Thank You
I wish my mom could watch this. I just don’t want to hurt her feelings by hinting that I think she might be a narcissist