@@happyday3368 too bad nobody warned us. Even marriage counselors did not get it. They gave me tips and instructions about how to communicate with my husband, providing he was interested in having relationship with the mother of his children a.k.a. Wife, but he is not. From the moment he gets up until he goes to sleep, he is hunting for services, supplies and safety. No interest and seemingly no desire to interact beyond meeting his needs. However if he only detects any form of being underserved ( chronic condition- bc is never enough), he will be enraged and will passively aggressively act on it, including boundaries violations … maybe there is someone here still strong enough to run. Run if you can, but have strategy, plan how to exit safely. Love to all seekers of healing. ❤️🌷
Amen to this one. Every cell in my body was sick of the narcissist behavior. Even when it seemed to promote peace and joy, I always felt something else behind that mask.
@@pugnasilvia943 I remember thinking that I was a long hauler because my symptoms were VERY similar to that. We always seem to put it off to something else. But once I figured it out, my blood pressure went back to normal and stayed normal. My Dr. even asked me, "What happened"? I said, "I figured something out". This stuff affects you in ways you would never consider. It's scary. Thankfully, I was in the position to go 'no contact' with the narc in my life.
This channel has helped me immensely. Thank you so much for your counseling and support. Those who haven't disconnected...don't wait. Dont make excuses for them. I am 73 and was just able to disconnect a month ago from my sister and her daughters. I was their favorite target. I divorced, never remarried, have no children so I hung on because I didn't want to be without family. No one needs that kind of family. Cruel and hateful, and jealous even though they all have more then me..but I am happy, content, love helping others...they don't possess those. Always critical of others, looking for things they can rip others apart about to make themselves feel better, superior. Its sickening. I could write a book on the ways they stabbed me in the heart and back. Now I have peace and it's heaven. Wish I had disconnected long ago.
@jayneking8340 I am so happy and proud of you as well! Know that you are valuable, you are worthy, you are strong!! And that you are free now to enjoy life without their abuse weighing you down.❤
I am so happy and proud of you too that you were able to remove yourself from the abuse. Know that you are valuable, that you are worthy, that you are strong!! You will be able to do so much more being free if that abuse.
Any relationship with a Narc goes nowhere, only backwards and at your high costs: feeling drained, exhausted, confused, hypervigilant, isolated, tense etc. In short: when you have lost yourself, your own identity and your own power because your focus has not been on yourself anymore but on the Narc, it really is high time to disconnect. But disconnecting from a Narc can be a process and needs sometimes also preparation, due to your own awareness and the circumstances you are living in. Seek help in any form you need to take back your power step by step.
I disconnected yesterday - Mother's Day (the highest of all the high holy days). It wasn't easy. I just couldn't bring myself to listen to any more of the digs and detraction. Thank you for your channel.
Been married to a covert narcissist for the past 17 years everything you said is correct. I disconnected from him for the past 4 years. And i feel a lot better , I have more clarity. I can't afford my own place yet. Leaving him is a process. I am currently doing the inner work and lno longer cares what he says about me to others.
Financial reasons are why most women stay stuck ❤️🩹 my mother & then myself ♥️ when you’re finally able to disconnect after gray rock like I did & HE left it’s just a relief that keeps on giving❣️
Checklist: 1. Does that person have a fixed agenda for you? 2. When differing, does that person insist upon conformity? 3. As you reveal yourself, are you readily discounted? 4. Have you endured hateful comments, insults, foul delivery? 5. Do you have to measure your words or choices carefully? 6. Are there major gaps between what they say and do? 7. Are you drawn into futile, circular arguments? 8. Does the anger of that person become really ugly? 9. Does that person sabotage you behind your back? 10. Have you felt exploited, used, and manipulated? 11. Does that person keep secrets and act evasively? 12. Are your boundaries and standards easily violated? Be aware: 》Narcs are wearing a mask and are not in touch with their true self 》Vulnerability scares them 》Their emotional neediness is displayed via control 》They are completely inept to manage anger 》They lack a "us" mentality 》They lack empathy 》They have no regard for boundaries What can you do? 》》Have a "mind over emotion" mindset 》》What does the hard facts tell you? 》》What is your idea of a healthy personality? 》》What do YOU believe is wisest? 》》You will have to take charge of your own life!!! Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
And I would add this: it is surprising how little they seem to care when it becomes clear to them that you will not submit to their control and that their manipulative techniques are no longer effective. It was shocking, shocking to see how easily the two narcissists in my life moved on and never gave me another thought. It was also validating: they never loved me. I was a prop and a source of supply. Nothing more.
See I told you guys, linda in Texas, I agree, Roxy, my community and the comments or helping me, thanks, far-out, my go team healthy rules, I'm with, my Doctor, the help is making me, I'm here 4 ever, thank you, Roxy, I'm listening, here in my corner of my own , knowing I'm aware, but lazy, yea buddy, hec I'm scared to death of this nonsense, I can flip my wig, against some body, I love, I'm just hurting myself, I'm sorry that we have family that have a troubled mindset, man just figuring it out, I'm a warn out shoe, but my community does help, so thankful for this class always, you folks rule, bam great countries or with go team healthy, yea buddy
Best thing I ever did was disconnect from my covert malignant narcissist sibling. He had power over me for a few years because he would always ambush me at vulnerable times where foolishly I would take the bait and all of a sudden we're in a serious confrontation. Nowadays I've learnt how he operates and I'll never let myself be his victim again. I took out a court order to prevent him coming anywhere near me or threatening me with violence and when he found out he said "I'm your brother, why would you do this to me ??"... classic narcissist behaviour - they're always right and their target is always wrong 🤷♂️
Over 2 years ago I went Gray rock, feeling it was still my duty as a daughter to do what I could for my narc parent but finally went no contact 7 months ago. Even though they are blocked on my phone, I still see they are trying to send me negative messages. Not even trying to hoover me back in now, just spiteful messages. I don't reply, don't open the photo messages either. I really don't see why they bother. It's not like they want to "make friends" Must have run out of enablers.I have also realised that one of my siblings is one, also the Golden child and they have begun with the spiteful messages too so blocked them! I do have inner peace now. This channel has really helped me understand the whys and wherefores. Just going to move forward now with people in my life who really DO care about me and I can care for them. Thanks Dr. C!
Disconnected 2 years ago. Our kids are adults. So no need to have any contact because of our kids. He kept trying to keep me into conversations with him, even though we were divorced. Thinking he still had control over me. Only way I could heal from the trauma bond is to have no contact. Best 2 years of my life so far. Very true you need to mentally free yourself first. Then you can heal emotionally after he is gone. Thank you Dr C for helping me see what he did to me. My biggest surprise to myself is that I love being single. 🥰
Bingo !!! On all of them .. To top it all off, they are pathological liars . If you ever dealt with a narcissistic community, their ability to cover each other with lies is utterly amazing. The only sane approach is to walk off of the field and quit playing the game. Finding an alternative situation is the only way out .. If you have a temper, dealing with these people could easily turn violent.. They are absolutely not worth the potential consequences.....
Yep my ex narcs family were all in on it, weirdest dynamic ever. Only truly understood after I ended it (aka ran like hell). Oh boy, was I blind and naive, though gut never felt right around them, can only now imagine the smearing and cunning lie, by all of them....finally putting the pieces together. But glad to be free of that sick, weird, sad angry energy. I'd feel sorry for my Nex, growing up in that... except he was the tyrant covert ringleader 😳
I need to disconnect from my 95-year-old narc mother. Yesterday was brutal. The difficult part is that, besides my special needs brother, whom she controls, there are few others left on earth to provide support. Thank you for this - it helps tremendously to validate the abuse I have suffered all my life, and more intensely over the last few years. They don't get better. Having to watch her repeatedly abuse the caregivers verbally is painful, and I apologize to them as long as they stay on the job- which is not long. She is on #11 in 8 months.
Anyone watching this, pay close attention to what Dr Carter is saying! How I wish I had known about this painful experience of gaslighting etc. years ago. If possible get out of the spider web sooner than later. I’m so grateful to you Dr Carter that I see am not a doormat! This is a trying time but I am determined to get through it!
You will get there. I was there 2 years ago. Things are better on the other side where all is mentally healthier and more makes sense. Best wishes for your healing journey.
"Facts over Feelings" and "Evidence over Emotions" are phrases I use frequently - both to remind myself of the importance of my mental state when facing difficult decisions, or when I am asked for advice by others dealing with challenges. When Dr C listed that as a key point in getting to "disconnect," I remembered when I went through that process. The non-emotional (believe me I KNOW its hard to get there!) approach to weighing your options is SO important. Add to that a strong sense of self and clear vision of who you are and what you want for your life. I really enjoyed this segment, Dr C, thank you! Gus was prime today!! Peace TH! Stay Healthy!
I left 3 weeks ago after 28 years. There’s lots of confused and upset people around me but I am not-I think I disconnected a long time ago. Ah, peace! ☮️
I left last summer, but my ex checks 11 out of 12. I wouldn't be surprised if he checks the box about speaking behind my back, I just never caught him at it. I'm so glad I'm out.
The first time I truly understood my brother's toxicity was when he commanded my wife to keep our newborn baby's mouth shut early morning. How disgusting! I would never dream of doing such a thing. Ill also point out that his 2 kids are far older than ours. I mean My God! My wife was in utter tears!
@@Duke2363Good for you. I wasn’t so smart. My brother in law hit my puppy with a baseball bat and I caught my oldest sister smacking my youngest son. And that’s just a few. My ex said nothing to any of them ever. I still keep going back. Not anymore. It took the death of my oldest son and the way I was treated after that to finally walk away.
My husband's brother has crossed many personal boundaries with us & with our kids as well for several years. Not once have we ever invited him into our home, but he always came over (still does) unannounced and uninvited. I'm waiting for the day my husband really has enough and just sends him away. He cannot read clues and thinks everyone is his best friend. Ugh. I've never had a good feeling about this whackadoodle & it's pretty obvious.
One of the obstacles is the sunk cost fallacy. It doesn't matter how much you invested in them. Carefully examine other realistic factors to make a decision on when to disconnect. ✂✂✂
True, what you've already invested in them, you have to cut bait and take that as a loss. Your sacrificial service meant nothing to them anyways. And via their continual abuse, treachery, dishonesty, and vindictive and needless punitive tactics, they've showed you that you mean nothing to them.
Yes. The part where I am never given space unless he is giving me the silent treatment. This was the straw that broke this camel's back. When I specifically asked for space as I work from home, all of the sudden he wanted to come home early every single day. I rue the day I ever made the request. It turned into how many times he could not just bust the boundary but try to get me to feel guilty for it. He always has a potentially legitimate excuse to come home early. Usually it is he doesnt feel well. He will tell me he is nauseated and been in the bathroom all day then comes home and can mow our 1 acre no problem. Usually while consuming alcohol and as of late, trying to hide it. I finally completely put my foot down and would not take a ride on his guilt trip train. Since then, it has been pretty bad. The mask keeps slipping and I don’t like what I see behind it. This person was key in getting me out of an abusive relationship where I likely would have died otherwise. But now, he is doing the same to me. The level of betrayal is beyond my comprehension. I keep wanting to revert into denial. But I cant unsee it. I am stuck AGAIN. And I thought I used discernment this time. Whatever happens, I am done with relationships. I will not be the definition of insanity.
After finding that my narcissist crossed my boundary again and confronting them 3 days later, they didn't say anything and after 3 weeks still acts like nothing happened. I feel I have emotionally disconnected....just finally got tired of knowing the next time will happen again.
I recently set a boundary with my narcissistic father. Apparently he got so angry he took my pictures off his wall and burned them. He never told me he was mad, his sister called me and told me he burned my pictures. I always felt like he had a deep burning hate for me and that confirms what I always felt in my heart. I won’t be going near him at all for safety’s sake.
It’s become a society issue and a lot of the issues you have brought up has become contagious. The world is increasing selfish I hate to say, but you’re doing a great job and Gus for the calmness.
Hello Dr. Carter, Team Healthy, Gus, Many thanks for so many insights especially "Mind over emotion" Please take care Dr. Carter and hope you feel better🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
Disconnect and here is a big reason why you should. Emotional vampires are people who drain the happiness of others, such as by making them feel anxious, depressed, or put down.
The right time must be the time when u have decided to never go back. If you still have doubt then u arent ready. Never leave one and go back. They will hurt you twice as bad because you abandoned them!!
You have perfectly described my husband. I WISH I could totally disconnect from him, and I am working on it. My first step is to detach emotionally. It feels better since I have stopped expecting improvement and learned to accept that this is who he really is. It's not part of his character that he is willing to work on since, in his mind, there is no problem. My situation is complicated because my narc husband is also physically sick, and I am his caregiver. I function as his caregiver while dealing with his abusive temper, tantrums, and stonewalling.
All of these 😳. Even tho I’m In no-contact, my narc still has her claws in my adult sons. That’s the worst part because although they are aware of her hate towards me they still are love bombed by her and she still smear campaigns me to them and everyone. I’m treading lightly until she passes away. Your pod casts keep me sane and I’m following your advice. Thank you so much 💫😇💪🏻
In a non romantic friendship I easily checked off the first 5. That’s enough for me! If I wanted to be more assertive or involved other questions would likely become yes.
Thank you Dr Carter. You've helped me so much. My sister took her life in 2016. I went no contact with my father in law 2 years ago, and with my mother 6 months ago as she was dieing from cancer. Initially I felt terrible. My mother weponized my brother in laws guild of my sisters death to beat me up,( again). I now feel like the weight of the world has come off of my shoulders. Don't know if I'll ever heal from the abuse I've suffered, but good people like you give me hope. Thank you.
Get Dr Ramani’s book “It’s not you”, it might help you realise that all the suffering and Ill treatments by the toxic/narcissistic people in your life were not your fault. It probably all started in your childhood when a narcissistic parent set the pattern for the rest of your life where you were made to believe that being Ill treated was love. I hope you can heal slowly, channels like this can help a lot. Also, look up Dr Ramani and Dr Gabor Mate, they too have a lot of wisdom to offer. I have found them very helpful in dealing with childhood trauma and narcissistic relationships in my life. Knowing that you’re not alone can also be helpful. Take care and good luck for the future. ❤️🌹🍀
A whole different kind of 12 step program. In my life, it's 11 out of 12. I kind of feel sorry for him because he's so broken, but I now understand that I can't fix him. And I'm not going to allow him to drag me into his broken little world. I feel very strong now, and I'm never going back to before.
Both my parents are alcoholics.. My dad died in 2001.. I joined Alanon in 2012 to deal with my mom.. When I was early in that program someone asked me if my mom treats everyone the way that she treats me.. They said.. Take yourself out of the equation and how does your mom treat others.. This was so that I would not take it personally but this opens the door to what you are talking about.. I realize yesterday was Mother's Day and there is a lot of other examples I could give but it is not safe for me to be around her.. She gets this sick sort of satisfaction for other people's misery.. I am still learning my lesson about being around people like that.. I know who they are but I am like a moth to a flame with them.. That is why I need to watch videos every day about that type of personality.. Thank you so much..
Yes, me too....my mother and ex covert bf, which I what finally woke me up. I can't believe it took me 52 years to really understand. I didn't know .. .but my gut sure did all those years. So eye opening but the discernment skills are a blessing! Definitely like a moth to 🔥 almost supernatural in their ability to find us. And in turn, almost supernatural how we know when we are dealing with them....most of the time! There are some pretty cunning varieties. Good luck ❤️🙏
I listen faithfully to your channel and you have helped me and my family in dealing with an X that is a narcissist. Thank you so very much. I however, am also dealing with PTSD from a preceding tragedy. Do you have any videos that can help me.? I'm currently treading to stay above water and could certainly use some direction from a trusted source. Thank you.
Thankyou for this. I did this with the Person who hired me, after my putting up with so much after 09months of them. It was hell dealing with them. I told them I was resigning but then they talked and I stayed on. It continued, so I finally left 2 weeks later again. I wont let this happen to me ever again. I felt sick and stressed out.
Thank you Dr.C. This has come at a time when my 93yr old narcissistic mother has raged and verbally abused me for the very last time. She is back living with my ill brother and his wife and while I feel terrible for them, I know now that I will never again be her caregiver. I’ve gone now contact since this occurred 2 weeks ago. During these weeks, I have grieved deeply. While I will always love my Mom, I know that I cannot endure her abuse and toxicity. This last Mother’s Day was extremely painful as I did not reach out to her. I do need help and guidance as to how on earth to navigate this minefield that is before me. I do see a counselor and my family is extremely supportive. My struggle resides within me…. Thank you for giving those guidelines. I am desperate for any more advice as I respect you deeply.
Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, I disconnected and moved on along time ago, I've made my decisions and nothing will change my mind, I'll never allow myself to get in to abusive relationships, My self respect and dignity comes first, I deserve so much better, You're a great bloke DR Les, Peace, love and respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 😃💙💗💛💚❤🌈🌌💜🕊🕆⚽🌲⚖✌🌹☘🚀😘🍏🍎👽🍄♱🐎🦄
Yes me. It's the most painful thing in the old to watch him disappear...the real him. And the terror I feel. I've put in stronger boundaries although it breaks my heart. I keep telling myself that ultimately it's got his own good. You aren't alone. Believe me ❤️
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this as well. It is so, so painful. There aren’t even words to describe it accurately. Thank you for your response. Sending you a big hug and much understanding😓
I hope so too for both of us. It sue gets hard at times though doesn’t it? I never imagined this is how my relationships with my adult children would go😓.
Strongly yes to all those questions. However, I didn't recognise several of them because my mother always acted harmless and her hatred and anger came to me through her flying monkeys. Now I understand about covert narcissistic abuse and parental alienation, it is as clear as day. Ignorance keeps us trapped.
It took maybe until my daughter was almost 40 before I realized that there was just no way I could let her have access to me anymore. The abuse her and her attempts to continually try to Blackmail me or control me who's singing my grandchildren are not was finally did it for me. My blood pressure went dangerously high for the first time in my life and I realized I just could not deal with it anymore.. I miss my grandchildren so much, but I treasure my happiness and the peace that I have found although there is a sadness there.
Thank you Dr. Carter. Once again, you have grabbed the bull by the horns (I'm a Taurus, I can say that!), and spoken directly and honestly to the reality that is narcissism. No bull, just honest, accurate, and helpful guidance. You're a treasure.
Yes! We really need these hard truths, even after getting away, almost every day lol. It's good to hear the truth we know but our hearts want us to forget. So much thanks to Dr. C and Gus
Speaking personally, it took time for me to absorb all of the facts and realities about narcissism. There also comes a time when you have seen enough in their general life behaviour. It was at this time that my narc actually discarded me as I genuinely thought that he had ascertained that I had seen enough. He had previously told me he had ended it with an ex when “she had been around him for too long”. Patterns of behaviour, I think. It will never change until they do.
The best I can say is that at least I'm keeping a good humor about all this. I was actually going to ask you this morning if someone who was being overly nice to you could be a narcissist. It took me nearly 24-hours to answer my own question and say "yes"! Two factors, I guess, were playing into this; (1) its a woman attempting to be my friend and (2) I guess my husband hasn't seriously tried the love bombing approach for a while. It's amazing how dense/oblivious we can be. I'll cautiously leave the door open for her for awhile to see what happens.
It is so sad to realise that this person you fell in love with is now getting everything and you're giving everything and at the same time feeling exhausted with it all and that you will have to leave him with no warning or explanation and stay well away. I still feel guilty about it and miss the lovely loving person he could sometimes be, but I can't go on any longer. I want my peace of mind and my health back. It's time to think unemotionally and end it once and for all.
Thank you,you have helped me SO MUCH at my lowest points in dealing with several Narcissists in my life. MY OLDEST SISTER AND MY SON.Your Videos,I found very HELPFUL to help me know how to deal with them…..when I was out of options I thought…..I can’t afford therapy….but needed it badly before I lost my own mind. I still watch you! Your calming voice and EXCELENT advice has helped me more than you know,you are appreciated!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼✨💗✨
Thank you doctor Carter. I am about to make an important and very difficult decision. Whatever you say resonates with me fully. I am going to listen to your video more times and possibly more to fully understand what I am fighting for. What is the price and what is the cost. I am not willing to sacrify myself for a lost cause. I have already lost so much of myself being a daughter of malignant narcisistic mother dealing with it for over 50 years. Thank you. Your work is life saving x
Can you please do some videos for caregivers of dementia patients who are dealing with all the behaviors you discuss as a part of their diseases? I feel like we are a forgotten segment of the community. We don’t have the option of leaving or using many of the proposed strategies unless we want to burden others to take our place, and those others would be family members we love and wouldn’t put this on them for anything in the world. But we need help knowing how to continue providing care while not getting destroyed in the process
That’s how I felt for so long. SO done. I tried to nicely reason. Met with hostility every time. Was told by a pastor he has deep anger issues long ago. I had experienced it. Hoped upon hope he would change. Not happening. It’s worse. Family and extended family are done too. It’s hard because we have to deal with an issue that’s not resolving well with him. He asked a sister, what he’s done wrong. Ouch! Done take the bait!
Hello Dr.C, I am a codependent married to a covert narcissis. I've only seen a couple of your videos thus far. In the video I watched before this one you mentioned how it does no good to try and help them see the light. To try and convince your covert narcissistic partner that there wrong or try to help them Understand how they are hurting you. This was huge for me. Most of the time the reason we argue was me trying to defend myself when she would insalt my charicter/ manhood. It changed my whole mental outlook on my marrige and why we argue. I stopped try to defend myself and looked more towards God and knowing that im not all those terrible things she sais i am. Do I have things to work on, yes, and that is what I'm doing. Working on me and trying to be nice to here is how I'm moviing forward. Thank you for helping me further my understanding of who I am and how I can be a better me.
Dr. C , so well explained! Grateful for your information! Truth 💯 🕯️..... I Love Gus, 🐾 ❤️ who is a reminder ( in the background) that there is So Much Good in this World 🌍 ✨ 🌞
Dr. C......please do a video on what we should do, to rebuild our lives, from a mental standpoint, once the disconnect has taken place.......I cut off contact with my mom, 4 years ago, but I am struggling with severe depression now, because I don't have any kids, and I feel sad, without any family. How do we overcome feelings of depression, once the disconnect has taken place, and we are left alone, without any family? Please do a video about this aspect of the disconnect. Thank you.
Will do. I have just given myself the assignment to do a video about a survivor's guide after disconnecting from a narcissist. Look for it in 3-4 weeks! (I have a long list of topics to explore!)
What is love? When do we know we love someone? How do we know it’s healthy love? How does regular love differ from unconditional love? My narcissistic family members all claimed to love me but I’ve realized their actions are not loving. Now I’m sizing up all of my relationships and I’m not sure if I love them or am simply codependent on them.
Love is a verb not a noun. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned ACTIONS. You can judge someone’s love for you by their actions, how they treat you and how they make you feel. Saying I love you helps but if their actions do not align with their words then you know they have a dysfunctional/unhealthy idea of what love is. People who love you make you feel good about yourself, they treat you with respect and give you dignity, they let you express yourself and validate your feelings. They never belittle you, your ideas or your feelings. By watching these channels on narcissism, you’re on the right track. People like Dr Carter have a lot of wisdom to impart. I wish you all the best for the future. Keep educating yourself about healthy relationships because ignorance is not bliss, it is dangerous. With regard to what love is, pay attention to your gut feelings, according to Dr Gabor Mate, it’s even more important than our intellect. During our caveman days, back in the day, our gut feeling saved our life, if you stopped to think and analyse a situation, you didn’t survive. Anyway, the questions you posed are very valid questions. Indeed, what is love? That is hard to answer. I think it’s easier to say what it is not. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, always puts you down, belittles you and disrespects you then that is probably NOT love. This is something you need to research for yourself but by the time you find the answer, you’ll probably be be too old to actually benefit from it. Take care and good luck, ❤️🌹🍀
My narc told me love is definitely conditional. That's when I knew whatever I had been trying was all for naught. I left 4 years ago and I am still trying to heal from the damage he inflicted
I thank you for this great video. Sad yo say. I faced every single things you said here. He is evil to the core. After the discard, he got married and showing off the shiny object. Used to always say he is good and honest. Once said people just has to look at his smile and know he is genuine. If only that was true. My family has seen him and seems to think his life is going good. I am not sure. The wife looks like she is also a narcissist. Thank you so much for sharing wirh us. God bless
What's to stop them from wailing about you 👉 hurting their feelings 👈and getting revenge because you spoke out?? Thank you for your informative channel. Take care of yourself❤
It is spooky for me, too. It's like Dr. C knows my narc and is describing her in vivid detail. I find it fascinating how similar people with personality disorders can be. And predictable.
I went no contact after leaving a toxic workplace. Toxic covert narcissist boss, bully narcissist coworker. Just yesterday, I received a Mother's Day text. This is after 2 years. They are only doing this because they probably need somebody to help out in the office. Never!
Yes, just snooping for gossip fodder, or you were very good at something they now could use your help with. Delete the text & do something to take your mind off them. Do NOT respond 🎧 Never heard it !
For many reasons the hardest, for me, is to disconnect from family members. Loosing access to the kids is one. For the last year i found a good way to keep in touch with-out to many struggles with one member of my family and i was using text messages to say hi, give news time to time. I liked it because it create a some kind of a firewall between us. But after a certain time the person react writting me to stop once and for all to text message her because she don't like to write she said, later it was because of her eyes and so on. So, she ordered me to call, nothing else. I did not reply that SHE could reply calling me instead, or or use the voice assistant, if she wanted to. I held back. She refuse to learn anything about the new technology, not so new anyway but she use this argument all the time, that she don't understand technology and if i want to help her to use it, she refuse. She don't need it anyway she answer. Good questions list, Dr. Carter. I wonder if, conversely, the narcissist can leave someone or if their need for control, of dominance is stronger? Take good care everybody and have a nice and shinny day.
Narcissists are very codependent. They threaten to leave and do discards, but they’re devastated if you don’t care. They need you to need them, which ironically puts them at a power disadvantage
The longer to stay connected to the narcissist, the more you are disconnected from yourself!!!
Good way to put it.
Well said
And disconnected from peace.
That sums it up perfectly.
Truth! 💯
I disconnected twenty years ago... Narcissists are dangerous, and I think the older they get, the more dangerous they become...😳
💯 accurate
I just found this out.
Yes, they do become more dangerous - not doubt about that one!
@@happyday3368 too bad nobody warned us. Even marriage counselors did not get it. They gave me tips and instructions about how to communicate with my husband, providing he was interested in having relationship with the mother of his children a.k.a. Wife, but he is not. From the moment he gets up until he goes to sleep, he is hunting for services, supplies and safety. No interest and seemingly no desire to interact beyond meeting his needs. However if he only detects any form of being underserved ( chronic condition- bc is never enough), he will be enraged and will passively aggressively act on it, including boundaries violations … maybe there is someone here still strong enough to run. Run if you can, but have strategy, plan how to exit safely. Love to all seekers of healing. ❤️🌷
Worse AND worse.
When your health suffers - exhaustion, higher blood pressure, etc. - nothing is worth your health - nothing. No explanation needed.
💙
My fibromyalgia and ME was so much worse before my divorce 🙃
Amen to this one. Every cell in my body was sick of the narcissist behavior. Even when it seemed to promote peace and joy, I always felt something else behind that mask.
@@pugnasilvia943 I remember thinking that I was a long hauler because my symptoms were VERY similar to that. We always seem to put it off to something else. But once I figured it out, my blood pressure went back to normal and stayed normal. My Dr. even asked me, "What happened"? I said, "I figured something out". This stuff affects you in ways you would never consider. It's scary. Thankfully, I was in the position to go 'no contact' with the narc in my life.
@@amandaliverpool3374 I'm grateful, it is good to know we can feel better.
This channel has helped me immensely. Thank you so much for your counseling and support. Those who haven't disconnected...don't wait. Dont make excuses for them. I am 73 and was just able to disconnect a month ago from my sister and her daughters. I was their favorite target. I divorced, never remarried, have no children so I hung on because I didn't want to be without family. No one needs that kind of family. Cruel and hateful, and jealous even though they all have more then me..but I am happy, content, love helping others...they don't possess those. Always critical of others, looking for things they can rip others apart about to make themselves feel better, superior. Its sickening.
I could write a book on the ways they stabbed me in the heart and back. Now I have peace and it's heaven. Wish I had disconnected long ago.
I am happy for you and so proud of you!! It was hard but it was also the best decision I ever made - to break free from my abusive parents. Peace!!
Some have to wait until they die but sadly, it can STILL continue with those left behind .
But at least you know what to do. .
Stay happy. 😊
Right on!
@jayneking8340 I am so happy and proud of you as well! Know that you are valuable, you are worthy, you are strong!! And that you are free now to enjoy life without their abuse weighing you down.❤
Many nurturing blessings to Anyone who has to go into exile over psychotic people in your life.
Anytime is the right time to disconnect from a narcissist. They can ONLY ever be poison to your life!
I am so happy and proud of you too that you were able to remove yourself from the abuse. Know that you are valuable, that you are worthy, that you are strong!! You will be able to do so much more being free if that abuse.
Thankyou for stating this. It is very true. Cheers, John.
Agreed. Life is short.
Any relationship with a Narc goes nowhere, only backwards and at your high costs: feeling drained, exhausted, confused, hypervigilant, isolated, tense etc. In short: when you have lost yourself, your own identity and your own power because your focus has not been on yourself anymore but on the Narc, it really is high time to disconnect.
But disconnecting from a Narc can be a process and needs sometimes also preparation, due to your own awareness and the circumstances you are living in. Seek help in any form you need to take back your power step by step.
Well said, Roxy, thank you.
@@Bea_Survivor You are very welcome, Bea 🙏💛🙏 And thank you ☀️🌸🍀
Until I came to this channel I was so trapped mentally.
I hear you. Knowledge is power.
Yup
Me too. I was so confused.
All the confusion and falseness they put you through in the name of a genuine connection. I relate. Better when it’s over and you’re out.
I disconnected yesterday - Mother's Day (the highest of all the high holy days). It wasn't easy. I just couldn't bring myself to listen to any more of the digs and detraction. Thank you for your channel.
Omg me too! I just couldn't find it in me to call or send her anything on mother's day.
I am in trouble: 12x yes. And there is no “us” in marriage with the narcissist. Thank you, Dr. C.❤
Dr. Carter, you're busy helping us but YOU NEED to care for that throat, voice! Get some REST! We'll wait for you! ❤️
Been married to a covert narcissist for the past 17 years everything you said is correct. I disconnected from him for the past 4 years. And i feel a lot better , I have more clarity. I can't afford my own place yet. Leaving him is a process. I am currently doing the inner work and lno longer cares what he says about me to others.
Fantastic. Well done.
Financial reasons are why most women stay stuck ❤️🩹 my mother & then myself ♥️ when you’re finally able to disconnect after gray rock like I did & HE left it’s just a relief that keeps on giving❣️
Checklist:
1. Does that person have a fixed agenda for you?
2. When differing, does that person insist upon conformity?
3. As you reveal yourself, are you readily discounted?
4. Have you endured hateful comments, insults, foul delivery?
5. Do you have to measure your words or choices carefully?
6. Are there major gaps between what they say and do?
7. Are you drawn into futile, circular arguments?
8. Does the anger of that person become really ugly?
9. Does that person sabotage you behind your back?
10. Have you felt exploited, used, and manipulated?
11. Does that person keep secrets and act evasively?
12. Are your boundaries and standards easily violated?
Be aware:
》Narcs are wearing a mask and are not in touch with their true self
》Vulnerability scares them
》Their emotional neediness is displayed via control
》They are completely inept to manage anger
》They lack a "us" mentality
》They lack empathy
》They have no regard for boundaries
What can you do?
》》Have a "mind over emotion" mindset
》》What does the hard facts tell you?
》》What is your idea of a healthy personality?
》》What do YOU believe is wisest?
》》You will have to take charge of your own life!!!
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Thanks once again, Roxy!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism You are very welcome, Dr Carter.
And I would add this: it is surprising how little they seem to care when it becomes clear to them that you will not submit to their control and that their manipulative techniques are no longer effective. It was shocking, shocking to see how easily the two narcissists in my life moved on and never gave me another thought. It was also validating: they never loved me. I was a prop and a source of supply. Nothing more.
@@lindalarson5468 Thank you for your response. You are right, they do not care at all.
See I told you guys, linda in Texas, I agree, Roxy, my community and the comments or helping me, thanks, far-out, my go team healthy rules, I'm with, my Doctor, the help is making me, I'm here 4 ever, thank you, Roxy, I'm listening, here in my corner of my own , knowing I'm aware, but lazy, yea buddy, hec I'm scared to death of this nonsense, I can flip my wig, against some body, I love, I'm just hurting myself, I'm sorry that we have family that have a troubled mindset, man just figuring it out, I'm a warn out shoe, but my community does help, so thankful for this class always, you folks rule, bam great countries or with go team healthy, yea buddy
Yes to all your questions. I ended a 20+ marriage to a narcissist. I saved my own life by getting away from him and his abuse.
There really is hope.
Best thing I ever did was disconnect from my covert malignant narcissist sibling. He had power over me for a few years because he would always ambush me at vulnerable times where foolishly I would take the bait and all of a sudden we're in a serious confrontation. Nowadays I've learnt how he operates and I'll never let myself be his victim again. I took out a court order to prevent him coming anywhere near me or threatening me with violence and when he found out he said "I'm your brother, why would you do this to me ??"... classic narcissist behaviour - they're always right and their target is always wrong 🤷♂️
Good, you got a restraining order...🙏
Over 2 years ago I went Gray rock, feeling it was still my duty as a daughter to do what I could for my narc parent but finally went no contact 7 months ago. Even though they are blocked on my phone, I still see they are trying to send me negative messages. Not even trying to hoover me back in now, just spiteful messages. I don't reply, don't open the photo messages either. I really don't see why they bother. It's not like they want to "make friends" Must have run out of enablers.I have also realised that one of my siblings is one, also the Golden child and they have begun with the spiteful messages too so blocked them! I do have inner peace now. This channel has really helped me understand the whys and wherefores. Just going to move forward now with people in my life who really DO care about me and I can care for them. Thanks Dr. C!
It’s always in your best interest to disconnect, or cut the cord, from the narc
Yes. Absolutely disconnect. Run far. Run fast. Don't let them take you down with them!
And they will never take responsibility for their actions and say they are sorry and really mean it!!!
Disconnected 2 years ago. Our kids are adults. So no need to have any contact because of our kids. He kept trying to keep me into conversations with him, even though we were divorced. Thinking he still had control over me. Only way I could heal from the trauma bond is to have no contact. Best 2 years of my life so far. Very true you need to mentally free yourself first. Then you can heal emotionally after he is gone. Thank you Dr C for helping me see what he did to me. My biggest surprise to myself is that I love being single. 🥰
So happy for you. You wake up each day and it’s gonna be a good day. What a feeling! ❤️🌹🌞🌻🍀
All the above and I left the Narc it’s been 1 month -Hooray
Bingo !!! On all of them .. To top it all off, they are pathological liars . If you ever dealt with a narcissistic community, their ability to cover each other with lies is utterly amazing. The only sane approach is to walk off of the field and quit playing the game. Finding an alternative situation is the only way out .. If you have a temper, dealing with these people could easily turn violent.. They are absolutely not worth the potential consequences.....
Yep my ex narcs family were all in on it, weirdest dynamic ever. Only truly understood after I ended it (aka ran like hell). Oh boy, was I blind and naive, though gut never felt right around them, can only now imagine the smearing and cunning lie, by all of them....finally putting the pieces together. But glad to be free of that sick, weird, sad angry energy. I'd feel sorry for my Nex, growing up in that... except he was the tyrant covert ringleader 😳
Yes
It's time to gain your personal power
I need to disconnect from my 95-year-old narc mother. Yesterday was brutal. The difficult part is that, besides my special needs brother, whom she controls, there are few others left on earth to provide support. Thank you for this - it helps tremendously to validate the abuse I have suffered all my life, and more intensely over the last few years. They don't get better. Having to watch her repeatedly abuse the caregivers verbally is painful, and I apologize to them as long as they stay on the job- which is not long. She is on #11 in 8 months.
I hope your voice heals real soon dear Doc! All the best and thank you for being there for us!
Anyone watching this, pay close attention to what Dr Carter is saying! How I wish I had known about this painful experience of gaslighting etc. years ago. If possible get out of the spider web sooner than later. I’m so grateful to you Dr Carter that I see am not a doormat! This is a trying time but I am determined to get through it!
You helped me so much, Dr.C. I have physically disconnected but the aftermath is the hardest part of the journey. I have to live my life, not his.
I wish the best for you!
You will get there. I was there 2 years ago. Things are better on the other side where all is mentally healthier and more makes sense. Best wishes for your healing journey.
Thank you for your kind words.@@jayTee-zp1jn
"Facts over Feelings" and "Evidence over Emotions" are phrases I use frequently - both to remind myself of the importance of my mental state when facing difficult decisions, or when I am asked for advice by others dealing with challenges. When Dr C listed that as a key point in getting to "disconnect," I remembered when I went through that process. The non-emotional (believe me I KNOW its hard to get there!) approach to weighing your options is SO important. Add to that a strong sense of self and clear vision of who you are and what you want for your life. I really enjoyed this segment, Dr C, thank you! Gus was prime today!! Peace TH! Stay Healthy!
I answered yes to all the questions...ugh . trying so hard to get out
Dr.Carter you are such a help and a friend on this path - and Gus is absolutely wonderfull 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thanks, Inanna.
I think Gus disconnected from his blanket . Every video he sleeps beside it , so funny .
I left 3 weeks ago after 28 years. There’s lots of confused and upset people around me but I am not-I think I disconnected a long time ago. Ah, peace! ☮️
I thought it was too late, esp at my age.
I left last summer, but my ex checks 11 out of 12. I wouldn't be surprised if he checks the box about speaking behind my back, I just never caught him at it.
I'm so glad I'm out.
The first time I truly understood my brother's toxicity was when he commanded my wife to keep our newborn baby's mouth shut early morning. How disgusting! I would never dream of doing such a thing. Ill also point out that his 2 kids are far older than ours. I mean My God! My wife was in utter tears!
I hope you stood up to him for your wife.
@@DJH97 We were so enraged by that that we left early and we have never returned.
@@Duke2363 OMG! Glad you left - because why would you stay around that? ! That's just madness. Glad you got your family OUT of there. Wow.
@@Duke2363Good for you. I wasn’t so smart. My brother in law hit my puppy with a baseball bat and I caught my oldest sister smacking my youngest son. And that’s just a few. My ex said nothing to any of them ever. I still keep going back. Not anymore. It took the death of my oldest son and the way I was treated after that to finally walk away.
My husband's brother has crossed many personal boundaries with us & with our kids as well for several years. Not once have we ever invited him into our home, but he always came over (still does) unannounced and uninvited. I'm waiting for the day my husband really has enough and just sends him away. He cannot read clues and thinks everyone is his best friend. Ugh. I've never had a good feeling about this whackadoodle & it's pretty obvious.
Just take yourself away, by any means necessary...you will flourish after
You are so right.
I think it's harder to disconnect from family as opposed to friends, spouses, coworkers, etc.
Definitely!
hold my beer.....
It is. But it can be done.
Yes! it has to be done .
When they leave you empty, their goal, it’s time to divorce a relative.
Blocking works!
I’ve been putting it off. Time for a radical sisterectomy.
One of the obstacles is the sunk cost fallacy. It doesn't matter how much you invested in them. Carefully examine other realistic factors to make a decision on when to disconnect. ✂✂✂
True, what you've already invested in them, you have to cut bait and take that as a loss. Your sacrificial service meant nothing to them anyways. And via their continual abuse, treachery, dishonesty, and vindictive and needless punitive tactics, they've showed you that you mean nothing to them.
FACTS FACTS FACTS. THANK YOU FOR THE DAILY RUclips THERAPY
Yes. The part where I am never given space unless he is giving me the silent treatment. This was the straw that broke this camel's back. When I specifically asked for space as I work from home, all of the sudden he wanted to come home early every single day. I rue the day I ever made the request. It turned into how many times he could not just bust the boundary but try to get me to feel guilty for it. He always has a potentially legitimate excuse to come home early. Usually it is he doesnt feel well. He will tell me he is nauseated and been in the bathroom all day then comes home and can mow our 1 acre no problem. Usually while consuming alcohol and as of late, trying to hide it. I finally completely put my foot down and would not take a ride on his guilt trip train. Since then, it has been pretty bad. The mask keeps slipping and I don’t like what I see behind it. This person was key in getting me out of an abusive relationship where I likely would have died otherwise. But now, he is doing the same to me. The level of betrayal is beyond my comprehension. I keep wanting to revert into denial. But I cant unsee it.
I am stuck AGAIN. And I thought I used discernment this time. Whatever happens, I am done with relationships. I will not be the definition of insanity.
Its always time....
All very true. Thank you. Stay away from these people if possible....
After finding that my narcissist crossed my boundary again and confronting them 3 days later, they didn't say anything and after 3 weeks still acts like nothing happened. I feel I have emotionally disconnected....just finally got tired of knowing the next time will happen again.
I recently set a boundary with my narcissistic father. Apparently he got so angry he took my pictures off his wall and burned them. He never told me he was mad, his sister called me and told me he burned my pictures. I always felt like he had a deep burning hate for me and that confirms what I always felt in my heart. I won’t be going near him at all for safety’s sake.
It’s become a society issue and a lot of the issues you have brought up has become contagious. The world is increasing selfish I hate to say, but you’re doing a great job and Gus for the calmness.
Great point!, I totally agree . "They are everywhere." "Narcissism is a public health issue." Thank heaven for Dr C and Gus.
Hello Dr. Carter, Team Healthy, Gus, Many thanks for so many insights especially "Mind over emotion" Please take care Dr. Carter and hope you feel better🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
Thanks!
Disconnect and here is a big reason why you should. Emotional vampires are people who drain the happiness of others, such as by making them feel anxious, depressed, or put down.
I hope everyone here is feeling stronger today, sleep well and another great video Dr. C
I'm so excited. I signed up! I'm on year 42 and have a year to survive until I can optimally leave. Thank you. You are a treasure! Thank you 🙏🏼💗🙏🏼
You are so welcome!
They are special individuals who are angry, jealous and attention seekers. God Bless them
Thank you! All boxes checked
Now I just need to GO!🙋🏻♀️❤️
What you have said is all true. It does take it out of you , mental and physical. All I can think of I have a strong personality .
Hello.. glad to be here
The right time must be the time when u have decided to never go back. If you still have doubt then u arent ready. Never leave one and go back. They will hurt you twice as bad because you abandoned them!!
You have perfectly described my husband. I WISH I could totally disconnect from him, and I am working on it. My first step is to detach emotionally. It feels better since I have stopped expecting improvement and learned to accept that this is who he really is. It's not part of his character that he is willing to work on since, in his mind, there is no problem.
My situation is complicated because my narc husband is also physically sick, and I am his caregiver. I function as his caregiver while dealing with his abusive temper, tantrums, and stonewalling.
All of these 😳. Even tho I’m
In no-contact, my narc still has her claws in my adult sons. That’s the worst part because although they are aware of her hate towards me they still are love bombed by her and she still smear campaigns me to them and everyone. I’m treading lightly until she passes away. Your pod casts keep me sane and I’m following your advice. Thank you so much 💫😇💪🏻
In a non romantic friendship I easily checked off the first 5. That’s enough for me! If I wanted to be more assertive or involved other questions would likely become yes.
Thank you Dr Carter. You've helped me so much. My sister took her life in 2016. I went no contact with my father in law 2 years ago, and with my mother 6 months ago as she was dieing from cancer. Initially I felt terrible. My mother weponized my brother in laws guild of my sisters death to beat me up,( again). I now feel like the weight of the world has come off of my shoulders. Don't know if I'll ever heal from the abuse I've suffered, but good people like you give me hope. Thank you.
Get Dr Ramani’s book “It’s not you”, it might help you realise that all the suffering and Ill treatments by the toxic/narcissistic people in your life were not your fault. It probably all started in your childhood when a narcissistic parent set the pattern for the rest of your life where you were made to believe that being Ill treated was love. I hope you can heal slowly, channels like this can help a lot. Also, look up Dr Ramani and Dr Gabor Mate, they too have a lot of wisdom to offer. I have found them very helpful in dealing with childhood trauma and narcissistic relationships in my life. Knowing that you’re not alone can also be helpful. Take care and good luck for the future. ❤️🌹🍀
A whole different kind of 12 step program. In my life, it's 11 out of 12. I kind of feel sorry for him because he's so broken, but I now understand that I can't fix him. And I'm not going to allow him to drag me into his broken little world. I feel very strong now, and I'm never going back to before.
Yes to all the above questions...
So...i left EVENTUALLY
Clarity took the place of the confusion
Both my parents are alcoholics.. My dad died in 2001.. I joined Alanon in 2012 to deal with my mom.. When I was early in that program someone asked me if my mom treats everyone the way that she treats me.. They said.. Take yourself out of the equation and how does your mom treat others.. This was so that I would not take it personally but this opens the door to what you are talking about.. I realize yesterday was Mother's Day and there is a lot of other examples I could give but it is not safe for me to be around her.. She gets this sick sort of satisfaction for other people's misery.. I am still learning my lesson about being around people like that.. I know who they are but I am like a moth to a flame with them.. That is why I need to watch videos every day about that type of personality.. Thank you so much..
Yes, me too....my mother and ex covert bf, which I what finally woke me up. I can't believe it took me 52 years to really understand. I didn't know .. .but my gut sure did all those years. So eye opening but the discernment skills are a blessing! Definitely like a moth to 🔥 almost supernatural in their ability to find us. And in turn, almost supernatural how we know when we are dealing with them....most of the time! There are some pretty cunning varieties. Good luck ❤️🙏
@@daniellemeenach4418 Yes.. I have met them everywhere I have been so I need to learn how to deal with them..
I listen faithfully to your channel and you have helped me and my family in dealing with an X that is a narcissist. Thank you so very much. I however, am also dealing with PTSD from a preceding tragedy. Do you have any videos that can help me.? I'm currently treading to stay above water and could certainly use some direction from a trusted source. Thank you.
Look up Dr Gabor Mate, among other things he’s a trauma expert. He’s often on the channel “Your Inner Child Matters”. Good luck.❤️
Thankyou for this. I did this with the Person who hired me, after my putting up with so much after 09months of them. It was hell dealing with them. I told them I was resigning but then they talked and I stayed on. It continued, so I finally left 2 weeks later again. I wont let this happen to me ever again. I felt sick and stressed out.
Thank you Dr.C.
This has come at a time when my 93yr old narcissistic mother has raged and verbally abused me for the very last time. She is back living with my ill brother and his wife and while I feel terrible for them, I know now that I will never again be her caregiver.
I’ve gone now contact since this occurred 2 weeks ago.
During these weeks, I have grieved deeply. While I will always love my Mom, I know that I cannot endure her abuse and toxicity.
This last Mother’s Day was extremely painful as I did not reach out to her.
I do need help and guidance as to how on earth to navigate this minefield that is before me. I do see a counselor and my family is extremely supportive. My struggle resides within me….
Thank you for giving those guidelines. I am desperate for any more advice as I respect you deeply.
Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, I disconnected and moved on along time ago, I've made my decisions and nothing will change my mind, I'll never allow myself to get in to abusive relationships, My self respect and dignity comes first, I deserve so much better, You're a great bloke DR Les, Peace, love and respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 😃💙💗💛💚❤🌈🌌💜🕊🕆⚽🌲⚖✌🌹☘🚀😘🍏🍎👽🍄♱🐎🦄
Thanks Dr. C. This video was especially good, as the questions and subsequent plan of action covered the whole experience with narcissists.
Yes, that's how I felt too. A keeper!
Is there anyone else who experiences these behaviors from adult children?
Yes me. It's the most painful thing in the old to watch him disappear...the real him. And the terror I feel. I've put in stronger boundaries although it breaks my heart. I keep telling myself that ultimately it's got his own good. You aren't alone. Believe me ❤️
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this as well. It is so, so painful. There aren’t even words to describe it accurately. Thank you for your response. Sending you a big hug and much understanding😓
Hugs to you too Winter...I have hope that he realises he needs help. ❤
I hope so too for both of us. It sue gets hard at times though doesn’t it? I never imagined this is how my relationships with my adult children would go😓.
Strongly yes to all those questions. However, I didn't recognise several of them because my mother always acted harmless and her hatred and anger came to me through her flying monkeys. Now I understand about covert narcissistic abuse and parental alienation, it is as clear as day.
Ignorance keeps us trapped.
I hope that 'my boy' Gus is doing okay. Thanks Dr C, sometimes you just gotta let go.
It took maybe until my daughter was almost 40 before I realized that there was just no way I could let her have access to me anymore. The abuse her and her attempts to continually try to Blackmail me or control me who's singing my grandchildren are not was finally did it for me. My blood pressure went dangerously high for the first time in my life and I realized I just could not deal with it anymore.. I miss my grandchildren so much, but I treasure my happiness and the peace that I have found although there is a sadness there.
Thank you Dr. Carter. Once again, you have grabbed the bull by the horns (I'm a Taurus, I can say that!), and spoken directly and honestly to the reality that is narcissism. No bull, just honest, accurate, and helpful guidance. You're a treasure.
Thanks so much.
Yes! We really need these hard truths, even after getting away, almost every day lol. It's good to hear the truth we know but our hearts want us to forget. So much thanks to Dr. C and Gus
Thank you so much for your videos, they help me so much.
You're quite welcome.
Nice to see you dr C
Speaking personally, it took time for me to absorb all of the facts and realities about narcissism. There also comes a time when you have seen enough in their general life behaviour. It was at this time that my narc actually discarded me as I genuinely thought that he had ascertained that I had seen enough. He had previously told me he had ended it with an ex when “she had been around him for too long”. Patterns of behaviour, I think. It will never change until they do.
The best I can say is that at least I'm keeping a good humor about all this. I was actually going to ask you this morning if someone who was being overly nice to you could be a narcissist. It took me nearly 24-hours to answer my own question and say "yes"! Two factors, I guess, were playing into this; (1) its a woman attempting to be my friend and (2) I guess my husband hasn't seriously tried the love bombing approach for a while. It's amazing how dense/oblivious we can be. I'll cautiously leave the door open for her for awhile to see what happens.
4 is one of the worst parts of this for me. Thinking one's right is one thing. Saying so via belittling others is another.
It is so sad to realise that this person you fell in love with is now getting everything and you're giving everything and at the same time feeling exhausted with it all and that you will have to leave him with no warning or explanation and stay well away. I still feel guilty about it and miss the lovely loving person he could sometimes be, but I can't go on any longer. I want my peace of mind and my health back. It's time to think unemotionally and end it once and for all.
Thank you,you have helped me SO MUCH at my lowest points in dealing with several Narcissists in my life. MY OLDEST SISTER AND MY SON.Your Videos,I found very HELPFUL to help me know how to deal with them…..when I was out of options I thought…..I can’t afford therapy….but needed it badly before I lost my own mind. I still watch you! Your calming voice and EXCELENT advice has helped me more than you know,you are appreciated!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼✨💗✨
Well said. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom. Its helped me understand my situation deeper.
Yes I'm disconnecting The answer to ALL 12 questions is YES!
It's time.
...... it's Gus.❤Gus listens to Dad's lecture. Because he's Gus.❤
Thank you doctor Carter. I am about to make an important and very difficult decision. Whatever you say resonates with me fully. I am going to listen to your video more times and possibly more to fully understand what I am fighting for. What is the price and what is the cost. I am not willing to sacrify myself for a lost cause. I have already lost so much of myself being a daughter of malignant narcisistic mother dealing with it for over 50 years. Thank you. Your work is life saving x
Can you please do some videos for caregivers of dementia patients who are dealing with all the behaviors you discuss as a part of their diseases? I feel like we are a forgotten segment of the community. We don’t have the option of leaving or using many of the proposed strategies unless we want to burden others to take our place, and those others would be family members we love and wouldn’t put this on them for anything in the world. But we need help knowing how to continue providing care while not getting destroyed in the process
It's tricky.... its like where is the boundary of the disease and narcissism 😢
That’s how I felt for so long.
SO done.
I tried to nicely reason.
Met with hostility every time.
Was told by a pastor he has deep anger issues long ago. I had experienced it. Hoped upon hope he would change. Not happening. It’s worse.
Family and extended family are done too.
It’s hard because we have to deal with an issue that’s not resolving well with him.
He asked a sister, what he’s done wrong. Ouch! Done take the bait!
Hello Dr.C, I am a codependent married to a covert narcissis. I've only seen a couple of your videos thus far. In the video I watched before this one you mentioned how it does no good to try and help them see the light. To try and convince your covert narcissistic partner that there wrong or try to help them Understand how they are hurting you. This was huge for me. Most of the time the reason we argue was me trying to defend myself when she would insalt my charicter/ manhood. It changed my whole mental outlook on my marrige and why we argue. I stopped try to defend myself and looked more towards God and knowing that im not all those terrible things she sais i am. Do I have things to work on, yes, and that is what I'm doing. Working on me and trying to be nice to here is how I'm moviing forward. Thank you for helping me further my understanding of who I am and how I can be a better me.
So pleased the videos have resonated. Be your best version of yourself, even if it is a solo effort.
Dr. C , so well explained! Grateful for your information! Truth 💯 🕯️..... I Love Gus, 🐾 ❤️ who is a reminder ( in the background) that there is So Much Good in this World 🌍 ✨ 🌞
Thanks, Ann.
Dr. C......please do a video on what we should do, to rebuild our lives, from a mental standpoint, once the disconnect has taken place.......I cut off contact with my mom, 4 years ago, but I am struggling with severe depression now, because I don't have any kids, and I feel sad, without any family. How do we overcome feelings of depression, once the disconnect has taken place, and we are left alone, without any family? Please do a video about this aspect of the disconnect. Thank you.
Will do. I have just given myself the assignment to do a video about a survivor's guide after disconnecting from a narcissist. Look for it in 3-4 weeks! (I have a long list of topics to explore!)
@@SurvivingNarcissism - That sounds really great! Thanks so very much for all your thoughtfulness and wonderfully clear and helpful videos. 🙏
What is love? When do we know we love someone? How do we know it’s healthy love? How does regular love differ from unconditional love? My narcissistic family members all claimed to love me but I’ve realized their actions are not loving. Now I’m sizing up all of my relationships and I’m not sure if I love them or am simply codependent on them.
Love is a verb not a noun. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned ACTIONS. You can judge someone’s love for you by their actions, how they treat you and how they make you feel. Saying I love you helps but if their actions do not align with their words then you know they have a dysfunctional/unhealthy idea of what love is. People who love you make you feel good about yourself, they treat you with respect and give you dignity, they let you express yourself and validate your feelings. They never belittle you, your ideas or your feelings. By watching these channels on narcissism, you’re on the right track. People like Dr Carter have a lot of wisdom to impart. I wish you all the best for the future. Keep educating yourself about healthy relationships because ignorance is not bliss, it is dangerous. With regard to what love is, pay attention to your gut feelings, according to Dr Gabor Mate, it’s even more important than our intellect. During our caveman days, back in the day, our gut feeling saved our life, if you stopped to think and analyse a situation, you didn’t survive. Anyway, the questions you posed are very valid questions. Indeed, what is love? That is hard to answer. I think it’s easier to say what it is not. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, always puts you down, belittles you and disrespects you then that is probably NOT love. This is something you need to research for yourself but by the time you find the answer, you’ll probably be be too old to actually benefit from it. Take care and good luck, ❤️🌹🍀
Thank you for the advice and understanding
My "friend" asks how much things cost me always. I am not wanting to hear that question from her anymore.
You are right to feel that way. That questions have different angles of concern
Try this: "I'm not going to tell you that." Say it with a smile, maybe even a little laugh. Repeat as necessary. Change the subject.
My narc told me love is definitely conditional. That's when I knew whatever I had been trying was all for naught. I left 4 years ago and I am still trying to heal from the damage he inflicted
Thanks Dr Les...family members the worst kind, especially when very elderly. Love from NI, UK ❤❤
For number 6, you could also apply this historically as well: are there gaps between what the narcissist says and what actually happened?
This ties in to their pathological lies and rewriting of history, yes.
I thank you for this great video. Sad yo say. I faced every single things you said here. He is evil to the core. After the discard, he got married and showing off the shiny object. Used to always say he is good and honest. Once said people just has to look at his smile and know he is genuine. If only that was true. My family has seen him and seems to think his life is going good. I am not sure. The wife looks like she is also a narcissist. Thank you so much for sharing wirh us. God bless
This is so helpful in my healing. Thank you.
What's to stop them from wailing about you
👉 hurting their feelings 👈and getting revenge because you spoke out??
Thank you for your informative channel. Take care of yourself❤
Thank u Dr. C yet again for more wisdom!!!!!
Unfortunately, no one has ever described my mother so accurately.
It is spooky for me, too. It's like Dr. C knows my narc and is describing her in vivid detail. I find it fascinating how similar people with personality disorders can be. And predictable.
I went no contact after leaving a toxic workplace. Toxic covert narcissist boss, bully narcissist coworker. Just yesterday, I received a Mother's Day text. This is after 2 years. They are only doing this because they probably need somebody to help out in the office. Never!
Yes, just snooping for gossip fodder, or you were very good at something they now could use your help with.
Delete the text & do something to take your mind off them. Do NOT respond
🎧 Never heard it !
Haha that's funny and so true! 🤣 They desperately need servants. Good call👍
Trust your gut. Always.
Thank you Dr Carter for being there for us. Words, just words but sincerely meant
You are very welcome
This topic right here, Doctor C! Outstanding and empowering. Such a detailed and soothing on topic. Sooooo goood.
Thanks, Maxwell.
For many reasons the hardest, for me, is to disconnect from family members. Loosing access to the kids is one. For the last year i found a good way to keep in touch with-out to many struggles with one member of my family and i was using text messages to say hi, give news time to time. I liked it because it create a some kind of a firewall between us. But after a certain time the person react writting me to stop once and for all to text message her because she don't like to write she said, later it was because of her eyes and so on. So, she ordered me to call, nothing else. I did not reply that SHE could reply calling me instead, or or use the voice assistant, if she wanted to. I held back. She refuse to learn anything about the new technology, not so new anyway but she use this argument all the time, that she don't understand technology and if i want to help her to use it, she refuse. She don't need it anyway she answer.
Good questions list, Dr. Carter. I wonder if, conversely, the narcissist can leave someone or if their need for control, of dominance is stronger?
Take good care everybody and have a nice and shinny day.
Narcissists are very codependent. They threaten to leave and do discards, but they’re devastated if you don’t care. They need you to need them, which ironically puts them at a power disadvantage