And, in my case, even when I did everything they said. Then the gaslighting telling me that what I thought happened never did. And all our mutual friends knew that too. Then he'd delighted reported crazy details of stories of my behavior that others had witnessed (must be those ghostly young ladies he told me about. I had no friends or family to call. Besides I was too embarrassed and afraid. and none of his contacts numbers. It was a hellish nightmare but I survived. I choose to thrive.
I got the worst things said type rage and a beginning of a discard, taking back earlier complimments, subtle threats, contempt , control, anger and crazy making yada yada yada as a discard and the next thing after - a funny post to him about Gordon Ramsey making soup. On the same day Yes...he was serious I didnt even bother Well! mr young narcissist you fucked that one up and shot yourself in the foot , my memory isny so awful I forget what happened a few hours prior (oh i think he was trying to throw me and switch/bait and switch) but I read what happened BEFORE, ya know when he was basically slating my very being and destroying my identity and trashing my right to exist I said "i dont wish to talk about soup right now" Penny dropped, he was usually uncommunicative but I'm sure he read it Then before he replied I discarded HIM as nicely as i could and that was that The bait and switch tactic is the most fucked up thing ive ever seen a person do but they do and it's HOW they attempt to not let you go. Didnt work on me , we were both discarding each other ha sorry bit of a vent i'm just processing i guess but yes it does you dont knowup from down and happens so fast . I personally find it helpful, like it shocks you into action
The worst is opening your heart to them fully without realizing they’re actually gathering information so they can then betray you bitterly. Lesson learned in the worst way 😔
So VERY true, 😪 This is why praying for God's protection, to protect and shield us from ALL danger and also to protect and shield our hearts on a daily basis, is essential. I pray continual blessings and healing for us all. Never lose faith in God. 🙏❤🙂
@@heinzbaron9129 borderline personality can make people, people pleasers. Which is a shame, because these people are genuine but Co dependent. A narcs favourite snack.
I am often kind but it is a coping mechanism from my own abuse. The difference? I know that can make people uncomfortable so I respect their boundaries if they put them out.😊
@@onacourtright-goheen2036 oh they are nice to you when hoovering u back, or making sure u are gonna be good while they are off and up to their shot elsewhere....but ask a question the niceness vanishes.
Silly Swastika. Hadn’t seen him in years...picked me up at my sisters house. Sweet as pie, chatting us up, so interested in what we had to say. As soon as I got in the car, dismissive and bored. Didn’t ask one question about me even after all those years.
kathy montgomery I was dating a woman for a short period. One night while we were together we began talking about her faith. She’s Muslim, I’m not. The conversation was tense, but pleasant, as was she. It began getting serious as the topic of sex turned up. I felt it would be better to discuss that at another time as it was complex and we were not seeing things about it from exactly the same perspective. She immediately changed, began shaming me, accusing me of things. It became apparent she wasn’t at all interested in learning about me. It was her faith, her issues, her perspective, her feelings. I told her I wanted to discuss this matter in a more friendly space, she shamed me again, and we didn’t talk again; aside from her demanding I remove all social media posts of us together. I was actually hurt, because I valued our dating. But, I see that it as a grace now.
Or, they want to cause so much turmoil and distress, so that you don't behave calmly and rationally, and, you lash out at them or say something they can weaponise against you in the future.
@@carmenbrown3437 VERY TRUE! They usually claim those ideas as their own and take FULL credit for them as if they were the ones who came up with the ideas, not you. You never get credit for most of your ideas, from them. Go figure. 🤨
"How they talk about others to you they'll eventually talk about you!" Yep. I don't know if it's a long-term strategy, but they all sudden fluff your ego up just to smack you down outta nowhere with a cheap shot like a COWARD
Yes. Like out of nowhere they are bringing you breakfast in bed. Overly nice right? Then of course they are going away for the weekend and need to leave their dog with you! Bingo. Fake nice.
Omg yes, if they do anything for you they are quick to throw it in your face. Had someone, not a friend anymore, tell me that she's the only who has ever helped me and good luck finding someone who cares and who is always there for me. She even told the guy I was seeing some ugly things about me, then turns around and says I'm sorry he hurt you but I told you to let him go a long time ago. Like WTF, he never hurt me. I blocked and deleted her from my whole life.
Sometimes they are fake nice because they are abusing you in subtle, covert insidious ways. The fake niceness is a tactic employed so that you will pretend the abuse isn’t happening. The moment you call them out the fake niceness flies out the window.
Sometimes there is a payoff but even that is too taxing and it ceases to be appealing. Besides, if they give or do anything for you, you also at some point have to pay the price. My reasoning is this: "okay I put up with you for the payoff, it was somewhat fair. Yet, although I already the price, now you are going to say I did nothing, say I did not earn or deserve it and punish me ON TOP of me already paying the price by being nice and sticking around him when that was always almost too much to sacrifice. Yet despite my sacrifice, the one thing I endured endlessly, he accuses me of being totally a zero. Which is infuriating!" I want to ask him, "If you didn't help me with xyz, and I stayed for it despite your ugliness, then who would you get to yell and demean? "
Narcissists have MANY personalities depending who they are talking to. They are "One person" when they are talking to someone and then they are "Another person" when they are talking to someone else.. It is a BIG red flag that you are dealing with a Narcissist
I really disagree everybody has different ways depending on the many different emotions......I'd say keep an eye on the people that are always kind and happy....... anyone that doesn't show there angry side is very narcissistic in my opinion 🙂👍
@@soundwaveproductivity2081 Sounds like my neighbors they are super nice & happy until you don't give em what they demand then next thing you know they flip out on you for no reason .
I noticed my husband was a cameleon. I said to him "Don't you even HAVE a personality of your own?" He replied that he "Goes along to get along". He justified his behaviour as a ploy to win approval. I asked him if he had any values and standards. He never replied.
One easy way to spot a narcissist is to simply go through life being authentic. Because the narcs will expect you to respond with fake niceness to them, and if you don't, it drives them crazy!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣
I think you guys are missing my point. I'm not saying that all nice people are Narcissistic. I'm saying that Narcissists go so over the top with being fake nice when you first meet them, they overdo it.
It's because they cannot fool you anymore..and they badly need the supply.. as my Narc said.. "I am suffocated in relationship.. and need to see other people.".. before he was suffocated with his ex wife.. in future he will be suffocated with other person who will figure him out. Thank you Dr. C for support and wisdom !
Yep. Mine did. My ex narc chased me for two years and built me up to believe he was in love with me. That is, until, I caught him kissing a former friend of mine at a summer picnic last August. The expression on his face was one of complete shock when he saw me staring at the two of them from across the picnic shelter. I learned he had actually married her behind my back over the summer. I thought I was going to die when I found out. From that moment on, he acted as he never knew me and as if nothing had ever happened between us. For him, it was like he'd flipped off a light switch on his "feelings" for me.
Yes! All of a sudden, you are the crappiest person, you never do anything for them, you are ungrateful, childish, and toxic to them. I could go on and on.
Sad part is it’s all an act and to hide their true broken selves. Watch how they suddenly change the moment they don’t get their way, things don’t go their way, etc. It’s as if a switch flipped.
Yes, most definitely! Yesterday, I tried this out on my narc to see if he'd still respond/react the same. Since he said " he's changed" sure... I txt him, " I'm sorry that I'm quiet, but I'm just not in the mood to talk today" he replied with kind of bragging that he's going for an AMAZING dinner with his son, after a tooth being pulled. He txt me before bed, " I love you 😞😞" I said good night. So early morning I get a txt from him " good morning sunshine" haven't got one of those in a while. He says " hope you're ok, you've got me worried, plz let me know what's going on" 2nd msg " plz let me know, I'm really starting to worry. If I'm bothering you, I'll leave you alone. If you hate me😞" I knew if I opened up n told him what's really on my mind, he'd blow up, twist it up, play victim, blame me or give me the guilt trip. And so he did. First telling me , he's there for me, to speak n tell him what's on my mind. Why, so he can use it against me later to play victim? He was only worried bout himself!!! That I wasn't giving him attention for that short time. His mind goes nuts with all the crazy thoughts of what I could be doing without him. He attacked me through txt, then later admits he's so scared to lose me. Smh so sad...
@@georgejgilles.3999 mostly for nothing. I underwent a tantrum because he didn't like my shoes. Yelling and screaming, multiple times over my shoes ! WTF !!!
[short] don’t be food for other people. [long] To your point: Ok, but the best defense is daylight. That’s why we’re here, right; learning about some behavior we’ve seen that didn’t jive. They’ll learn when they’re socially shutdown and isolated. It’s not right at all, but we’re not defenseless either. Take care of your circle and pass on your knowledge/experience and then there will be more like you than the fake “nicists”. They aren’t committing crimes per se and they’re allowed to be garbage people; you, however, don’t have to just stand there and take it on the chin.
During the pandemic, I got to witness how my ex interacted with her co-workers and was shocked that she actually conveyed gratitude, vulnerability, and consideration. The way she treated our son and me was the polar opposite.
As a child I learned to people plz, figure out what others wanted from me, and deliver at all costs. As an adult, I learned why I was like that and not to trust nice people, bc turns out, their intentions are polar opposite to mine. I projected my motivations for kind acts, into them and WOW did I ever live to regret that!!!
I find the quickest/ most effective way to repel a narcissist or narcissistic person is, to not conform to their interests. Be nice back, but if they ask you to do something or go somewhere you don't want to go, "just say no". I think we train them to think it's ok when we don't say no.
I half agree with you. I think relationships are give and take and one can compromise a little on this or that, if they genuinely like each other as a friend or a lover
My mother is a fake nice narcissist who helps somebody, then talks about them like a dirty dog behind their backs. But her actually helping someone is pretty rare if she can't immediately get something out of it.
MaGuffintop yep, that’s one of the things that makes me feel my neighbor is a narcissist. Leaves me 2 of those virus keys you use to not touch things while in public. Then, immediately moves towards wanting to sit and chat on a schedule. Couldn’t make it 2 days before she tells me she think she has MS, wants my phone number to give to her husband in prison as an emergency number and wants to give me the key to her apartment. Told her no. It was obvious that she felt that she’d give me a “token” of appreciation for me to be a free caregiver and change the trajectory of my life, like it was nothing. I don’t even know her. I’m just the tenant upstairs. But, there are many clues to leading me to believe she’s narcissistic. The speed at which she suddenly moved, after being here for 3 years, her little token of appreciation for trying to suck me in, thinking nothing of my life as a person, in contrast to her own and, possibly, feeling that this is going to have to happen, whether I like it or not. I have a nasty streak, too, so don’t shit test me...
l wbhkl my narcissistic mother never brags. It’s more of a smug assumption that she’s in charge and her 2 daughters had better not forget it. I have though. That’s why she hasn’t seen me in over 2 years. For the most part, I’ve extracted her smug ass from my life. Let my sister be the willing victim, although I get the sense that it’s now 2 narcs against one another. Staying out of that. Kind of pathetic to watch though. My mother is now 76. She’s perfectly capable of living under the continued assumption that she’s getting away with using my sister and I and, yes, she told me that she’d just been using me all these years. But, she’d live under the assumption that she’s giving my sister a Trojan horse (house up the street from her), so my sister will feel ultra commitment to mowing her lawn, doing her grocery shopping and anything else my mother wants her to do, while she holds down 3+ jobs, while in turn, my financially desperate sister has my mother’s debit card number... Of course, after I’ve been scapegoated, if my mother ever finds that my sister has done some dipping, my mother will want me to fix it, the same as when she called me to reign in my sister last year, after my sister wouldn’t call her 2-3 times per day. I told her to get used to it. Ultimately, she called the police on my sister the next week, they found my number and I told them what I felt was actually going on. I have no problem with the both of them strangling one another to death and I have a couple of other relatives who, despite knowing what’s going on, want me to actually be involved, so they can go jump in there and kill themselves, as well.
It is beyond scary how stellar the narcissist's acting skills are. For them, all the world is a stage and we are merely actors.... But the narc is always the star (in their twisted alternate reality).
Just got whacked with this. A concillitory e mail to both my son and I, mine to go along with him in a divorce proceeding that would benefit him immediately, me, sometime in the future, and asking my son to collaborate on some projects, again immediate gain for him, potential long gain for my son. Could this be a case of future faking? However, to my lawyer, a scathing 2 and a half min voicemail explaining his emotional suffering, and requesting a meeting with her. Nay , nay we say.
I married one and was with him 20 years. I had myself convinced something was wrong with me. The entire relationship- in hindsight- was me working every day to make his life as easy as it could be. Eventually I broke and withdrew into major depression, lost my vision due to poor health, and had both my knees replaced. I’m not even 50 yet and he never once thought to try and help me out of it. He’s not a helper. He acts very empathetic and caring in front of of others but the truth is more insidious. My greatest sadness is that we share two children and he’s polarized them so dramatically since he had the upper hand financially, power wise, AND I’d never spoken poorly about him to anyone. No one knew. I guess I didn’t understand it either.
When I was in my teens surrounded by narcissism I had a saying: "Nice people are not always Good. And Good people are not always Nice. " I spent a lot of time testing my theory.
Elizabeth i had the same problem . Because these “ friends “ don t have the same experience as you. Listen to your self first, you don t need validation from others.
My mother too. And some people think I'm a bad child for saying my mother is a narcissist. Because "all mothers should be loved"… But it's ok to speak out and say the truth because you never who you may help or even connect with.
This is my mom exactly. She projected it onto me often. It confused me for years. Every time someone was nice to me she would say “they are just being nice. They don’t really like you. That’s what people do”. No mom. That’s what you do! Glad I finally see that.
Omg I could totally feel you pain. I have the same mom who used those same words on me. I met the greatest man last year who is younger than me. My mom told me, "I'm not even worried about meeting him because he won't even like you for long because you will be old and wrinkly and he won't like you for much longer" Yes, my mom said those words to me. It's the last thing she will ever get to say to me. No contact for me. I'm still with this amazing man to this day I doubt I could get through all this abuse if it weren't for Dr. C. ❤️
angela pitts omg! That’s awful! Definitely sounds like my mom. She loves to tell me how I’m not good enough for whoever I’m dating. Im glad to hear you were able to break free and found someone who loves you! I personally think it’s the best source of both peace and revenge!
Always! "I love you, but gosh you're doo mean" was his favorite one. And gossip!!!! Omg I never heard a man gossip so much. It was too much then, but now that I'm out 🤮🤮🤮 I just can't! I always say ok I'm not listening to this I gotta go, and hang up. Especially when he starts badmouthing my family.
I realized she had narcissistic tendencies when suddenly the nice mask started to slip. When I would confide in her she’d look at me with dead eyes, and would take so long to respond that I would apologize for saying too much, then she’d casually say it was okay and my feelings were valid, but never really went much deeper. It was like she was reading from a script and there was nothing behind it, no emotion or empathy. The final straw was when she said she was happy I found someone to talk to at a party she invited me to, cause she was ANNOYED with having to socialize with me, that she just wanted to dance cause that was her “therapy”. Just the same dancing for hours on end… no talking, then why even invite me? I was just a prop for her. I was shocked at how insane that all sounded and checked out of the friendship immediately.
When lying people say "lets do lunch" I avoid it but in my brain I think of something I heard. "Let me check my calendar.... How about never?" This makes me smile.
After my dad beat on me for the last time when I was 17 years old and I ran 2 miles to my moms work and he tried beating on me again and I knocked him out in the middle of the street, the police showed up. The respondents had worked with my dad when he was a cop and told my my mom “he’s never been nothing but nice to me”. My mom said “you never had to live with him.” The police tried taking me to jail for domestic assault against my abuser. Luckily I was already delayed entry into the navy and my recruiter got me shipped out early and kept me from criminal charges. I went into law enforcement vowing to never use my authority for my own benefit. Promising myself to follow the path of truth and honesty. I don’t speak to my abusive dad anymore or any of his family. Knocked him out cold.
You went and became a cop but vowed to not abusing your power after you were abuse by a cop abusing his power! Yeah fucking right you probably killed some innocent black kid because he didn’t listen to your commands! Fuck the Police!!
@@jamaalhorton2343 dang. You don't even know me and you are willing to speak to a complete stranger this way. This is sad. I wish you the best. Thank you for your reply.
While yes, the line is a truism. I would be careful that you don't feed the idea that every ex is a narc or that everyone is a victim. I came in search of answers at first to an accusation from an ex that in the end discarded me after almost 2 year long relationship and dating within a month of last speaking to me. It is a long tale, and I almost told it but to cut to the chase I just love that you quote Shakespeare on a video about narcissism. Mercy and forgiveness are themes touched on in almost all of Shakespeare's works, let alone "Merchant of Venice." Mind you, I find that almost refreshing in comparison to the "honest help," if not actually "helpful help" youtube comments usually inspire. Though, I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by it. If you are using the quote from Tolkien, I would point to the first book of Lord of the Rings and Gandalf's rebuff of Frodo not to let ill will take hold in his heart: "“Deserves it? I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.”" Even a later line of the very poem you quoted: "deep roots...(shit trying to remember, sorry.. adhd brain is fun...paraphrase time) can't be reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crown-less again shall be king." There are man ways insight can be found in timeless words like these. It just really depends on the mind trying to perceive a truth and really how they approach the world. At least IMO. Like for me, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I have you red-handed with evidence, because I just don't think it's fair to, I guess, "falsely accuse" someone of something like NPD. I just don't think I could bear having it on my conscious to do that and find out I was wrong. For that reason, even though my ex really freaking hurt me, I can't and wont call her a narcissist unless she is diagnosed.
I know she will not come back, nor do I really want her to. I do actually want her to at least maybe find whatever it is she is looking for so she can be happy.
I’m still learning too. I tried making a new friend, and while I don’t think she’s got NPD, she’s definitely got tendencies and just discarded me after I called her out. I don’t take lightly to people walking all over me, I used to just shrug it off but now I call them out! Then they turn it around and say you’re the jerk for calling them on their behavior. Then they usually try to manipulate a situation to make them look like the victim so they can absolve themselves from the original aggression.
The fake nice is so true, they are only fake nice when they want something from you, or to make sure their reputation / image is highly important for others to like them. My narc was always concerned that I wouldn't say anything to anyone about him- he would always be insecure of me talking about him and his actions/ attitude. He made sure I was seen as the "crazy" one, delusional and always would say I was " obsessed" with him. Yes, he was always asking about my life and day- BUT never would tell me about his day or life nothing, he was so vague and sometimes I would say rarely he would slip and tell me what already had happen , but would always change the subject- YES, he loved gossip and always wanted me to tell him about others so he can go and tell them about what I said OR to have something to converse about with said person. As in he felt " empathy" - fake empathy that is. He would take my ideas or words and use them with others, but never had any of his own. He would think of people as " objects" to use for later.
They avoid face to face talking if theres a misunderstanding. They'll fire arrows at your back but when confronted, will run for cover or they'll bluff charge you with" how dare you question my motives". They're 2 faced for sure.
Narcissists can be as nice, accommodating and “overly” helpful to their “public” they are trying to impress as they can be rude, selfish and dismissive to those close to them behind closed doors. I wish I’d thought to have a recorder turned on during that final “rage”....
Yes. Narcs stomp all over family, every chance they get. It used to bother me so bad that the narc in my life wasn't satisfied mistreating me, she needed to mistreat my kids too. Once I started ignoring her for months, I noticed her own kids weren't immune from her bs.😥
Their nice always has strings attached to it. If they do any niceness towards you, there is ALWAYS and expectant payment for it. I hate getting a so-called gift and you later find out you must PAY for it.
Correct, mine would buy me something that she liked, every single time (even though we had opposite tastes AND she knew it!) and then expect me to grovel and kiss her backside afterwards, like an "I owe her" something. My husband confronted her at one point when she was buying a gift for our daughter (her granddaughter). She said, "I just can't find something that I like". My husband responded, "It isn't your birthday. How about get her something she likes". Well, we got the passive aggressive treatment afterwards. You can't reason with these people at all. It took us years, but we finally got the strength to go no-contact. We just couldn't take the sick games anymore.
Because of the way I was raised, I truly believed that all mothers were lovely, serviceable saints in public and horrifying, terrorizing witches at home. I thought all my peers were keeping secrets about how scary their mothers were, like I was. It wasn’t until I was thirty and had consistent interactions with many healthy women that I realized the way I was raised wasn’t normal. Being adorable to everyone else while terrorizing your children at home isn’t normal.
Those beings that raised us have no right to be called “mother.” I’m so done with (edit: that being).... finally feeling free of that thing. And don’t feel guilty for finally confronting her & standing up for myself. There’s no disrespect in standing up for yourself or eliminating them from your life when they’ve done nothing but be mean. I truly feel one thing... They’re demonic and envoy it. They know what they do. They don’t care about anyone. Reason why I don’t feel sorry for that thing anymore. Never again gonna allow her evilness into my life again. 78 yrs old and doing her best to not just put the whole family against me but also put my own grown sons against me too. That’s what she last came to do. No more visits or ANYTHING for her! Crazy how bad that BEING can be. No joke. Much love and stay strong 💪🏼 😇 nothing wrong with eliminating the yuck out of our lives❣️ it’s all about caring, respecting ourselves and having dignity. No space for hate either. Just lots of love for ourselves as we have to learn to re parent ourselves on a daily basis. Big Hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Exactly...its Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. They have well crafted public personas that make it hard for people to believe your story. They only see the fake “ sweet” side... not the true monsters that come out behind closed doors. Made it difficult for me to receive help as a child and as a teenager because of both my parents' duplicitous bullshit. And the constant comments from friends or people in the community I lived in who thought they were genuinely in the presence of amazing people ""Omg you're so lucky she's your mom" or " You're dad is brilliant and such a good guy" also created endless opportunities for gaslighting and self doubt (really just opportunities to pretend and wish these comments to be true) Damn... if you people only really knew...
@@verseau8360 It's extremely common for narc mothers to hate their daughters as soon as they hit puberty. Because they're SEETHING with jealousy, and they can't accept that you're becoming a woman, and that you're your own person. This happened to my sister and I, as soon as we turned 13, my mom turned against us. Even my narc aunt turned against me at that age, too. They feel threatened by us. They see us as competition. Whereas my mom treated my brother like a GOD. She literally worshipped the ground he walked on. And she even flirted with my boyfriends. Disgusting!!!!!!
Narcissist: I’m the most kind, caring and giving person in the world. I’d give you the shirt off my back. INTERPRETED FROM A NARC SURVIVOR: THEY ARE THE KINDEST PERSON; IF YOU DO THEIR BIDING!! THEY ARE THE MOST CARING; CARE ONLY ABOUT THEMSELVES!! THEY WILL GIVE YOU HELL!!! THAT’S THE ONLY THING THEY KNOW HOW TO GIVE!!! SHIRT OFF THEIR BACK CAME FROM ANOTHER ONE OF THEIR VICTIMS!!!
They say they will give the shirt off their backs and you should too. I think that's a form of manipulation too. Because he knows I would .... but puts a spin on it and says " I wouldn't." And that's about a stranger! I'm nice but that kind of manipulation and assumption is weird he belittled me like that. He puts words in my mouth and twists it to suit his narc. Gaslighting. I guess.
There was a self book I can't remember the name of it...it said beware of the naked stranger offering you the shirt of their back....trying to remember what book this was
@@elizabethandiosa4579 the money part! I'm disabled waiting on my SSI to be approved and the ex narc made fun of my disabilities and said I got a mind of a child...ok well I'll be living in abundance and joy cuz I don't gotta work. What a miserable person smh
Thanks for showing that we're not crazy for believing "nice" people can also be narcissists. I'm struggling a lot after 11 years with a "nice" narcissist in daily life (thankfully not my loving spouse). From the outside, on paper and objectively, this person seemed like a dream, too good to be true. I'd dealt with a "rage narcissist" in the past, so I never really believed a person who gives excessive praise and gifts could be a narcissist. But the "nice narcissist" was worse because it kept me captured for so many years. This person gives me nightmares, and every interaction left me feeling drained, stripped of strength, always feeling trampled or like I have to kill my dignity if I want to remain in good graces. It was only after interactions with friends that I realized you're not supposed to have daily disturbed sleep and feel despair, humiliated, oppression, in a healthy relationship, no matter how "good" and "nice" and "virtuous" they seem on the outside. I relate at the core to this.
Yes, they try to mirror the person they’re with. They don’t have their own genuine personality. They try to take on others to either fit in or be accepted. But the scariest is when they are envious of someone and try to be just like that person. My ex narc has (had) a childhood friend who became a very successful business owner. And my ex tried to live on his level. Which ended up draining the bank, bills not getting paid, cars repossessed. Even spending the money on other supplies (women). Wouldn’t let me have access to the finances. Even though I was the breadwinner. So, I didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late for me to fix his mess.) Ended up opening my own account; didn’t go over well. Didn’t do any good anyways; he was always broke. So I still had to foot ALL OF THE BILLS!! All because he wanted to try to live the lifestyle and tried to become his friend. Which he couldn’t do and didn’t think he had to do anything to get it. Thought he deserved it. It was disturbing; like “single white female” disturbing.
I love that it eats him up being put as last priority. It lets him know how I felt for so long .. now he's all crying and apologies. Too little too late. Save this "new you" for the next one!
They’re all really lovely when they’re getting whatever it is THEY want! As soon as they’re not getting what they want, brace for the rage! They promise all sorts (at first) but never follow through with any of them. Never go off what people say; look at what they DO! Take care and be narc free ❤️
Asseyez-vous. Very true I've experienced this and it's painful and confusing when you've been kind and loyal only to realise it was a one way street. Also beware of those who say "trust me" and "I'll be honest..." or use religion as a buffer at first as they seem to be the worst liars, manipulators and back stabbing, vilifying troublemakers in the end.
Yep, actions speak louder than words, and past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. Narcs never change, when you identify one don't give them a second chance.
That’s exactly how she was. She would turn on the charm with everyone and completely ignore me. But in the beginning she made me the center of her attention.
My mom is very good at this. The cognitive dissonance still plagues me even after over a year of no contact. I’m staying strong though and not letting the fake her hide the real her anymore. Love to all going through dealing with one of these individuals.
I always listen to your videos from beginning to end. There is always a great moral to the story! Narcissists are very superficial. If you are beautiful, have money, dress nice & impressive on the "outside" they love the facad. If you are beautiful inside, dependable, substanative....they have trouble relating to "real people."
As long as you say yes, you see this happy grin. All is positive. The moment you say no to a narcissist, the happines disappears. It's like a light switch.
Narcissists are masters at working a room! They’re master manipulators. It’s not their true persona. They are keenly cunning & deceptive. Run, and run fast & don’t look back.
Since I was a kid I could smell fake. I never understood why nobody else around me could. They always carry like two personalities at once. The fake nice in front, but there is always something insecure lingering behind like "you gonna buy it,yes,yes,yes?"
gratismahlzeit that is great for you to have had that ability to smell fake. Just curious about how your relationships went . Were there ones that you couldn’t detect immediately that ended up being a narc?
@@silb8139 I don't know about the OP, but I've always been able to smell fake too. And I ended up with a narcissist "friend" anyway. Not because I didn't recognize the lies, but because I thought that I would help this poor person discover their true selves so they didn't have to be miserable and fake anymore. Yes, even though she tried to control everything that I did and even though I recognized it instantly, I still thought that I could fight her narcissism with kindness. I was very dumb. And now my self-esteem is a mess. The problem with being able to smell fake is that it also usually means that you can smell misery. And that makes you want to help people who are destroying their own lives. How can you coldly turn away from somebody being fake when all you can see inside is a scared little girl? I blocked her on Facebook yesterday because she keeps suckering me back in with sympathy. But I'm done. She stole my best friend of 22 years and poisoned her against me, and I cannot ever, ever, ever take her back. I had a Frodo/Sam kind of relationship with this best friend, no joke. How can somebody be so evil as to purposefully poison that kind of a friendship?
It’s because you are highly intuitive, maybe even an empath. I’m the same way and used to get in trouble a lot because I saw through people’s BS as a kid and responded accordingly- which to adults was “disrespectful”. Oh well. I’m an old lady now, and my “disrespect” is very pronounced. I’ll call a fake out to his/her face.
My mom is like this with writing letters to children (kids she used to babysit years ago) and family members (grandkids and nieces and nephews). She will send letters and gifts to lots of people. I think every young child gets this golden impression of her. It's interesting because my stepson saw completely through it and dislikes her.
I'm getting the Fake Nice by them wanting to pretend that they didn't emotionally kick the crap out of me, so if I dare bring it up...then they are astonished and accuse me of not being reasonable.
Now I am wise to everything, however, I was not initially with my narc husband. We would be invited to a work party or go out to dinner. Although we didn't talk to each other on the way and the vibe was tense and negative, he would open my car door...pull out my chair...etc. It was freaking wierd! However, as soon as we got home, he would leave me in the car and walk into the house like it was the worst, event ever. There have been several instances at church...or at a public function where he would hold my hand or something...(and I'm like...what? He doesn't even talk to me without insults...What is this?) It is always about their "FALSE FRONT." The relatiionship was never based on any love or truth....just their desire to meet the expectation of society so that they appear normal and as though they have it together.
He wants me to like his food selections, his choice of trips, never inquiring about my preferences or places I would like to go. His interest is the main focus, I'm invisible.
They never want to share their opinion,they don't want you to know who or what they really are,they keep their opinions to themselves,which at first comes across as them being such a nice & non judgemental person,they do this so they can chop & change to suit & morph in whatever way that will benefit them.another helpful vid,thank you.
Every word, every action has an agenda with these folks, sometimes they take their time setting all these in motion, that you might not see the actual plan happening.
Sounds like my scorpio supervisor, she has an agenda for everyone and everything. I’m like damn I have to be on guard daily when dealing with her. She hates being called out for her errors and will never admit full fAult it’s always another departments fault or yours. I will never trust her ever, I back myself up and keep receipts for what I do, she’ll throw you under a bus so fast it’s ridiculous.
I use the word 'grooming' when I think how did I MISS this all these 35 years. My sister warned me but I dismissed. He was the best with my Mum and Dad in their last years. He was the best Dad. Gut always knew: puts everyone else, and dismisses me, no interest in me, rubbishes my careers, sisters told me he adores me and so proud (I didn't feel it, I knew). And they are very, very patient. NHS clapping, as example. Rubbished my career in Nursing, he was first put on our street, clapping and cheering, waving at all the neighbours. I turned to my daughter and said, So proud of you (NHS worker). He has rubbished our jobs and, worse, no empathy for people who's lives are hard or disadvantaged. Narcissists must have an horrendous life doing things for others, for validation, when it's not in their heart. What resentment they hide.
mine was also the first on the street to go out and applaud the nhs workers, (only for attention &to be liked by neighbours tho), he even sang the national anthem!... I was hiding inside,
It makes my head explode when he literally starts an argument with a false accusation against me and then says " what did I do... remind me... I have a problem I don't know" ....
I started refusing "favors" he volunteered to do for me, and he would get angry and do them anyway, then try to use them to say I owed him. Even when I repeatedly told him, "NO, do NOT do that! I don't want it!"
My severely Narcissistic mother was the poster child for fake nice. We'd be at a restaurant and she'd put on this fake smile and engage the server. I would get totally embarrassed. To me it was so obvious shes faking nice. But the server would love it and eat it up. Some would say "your mom is so cool" inwardly I was disgusted. As soon as they'd walk away her Narcissistic daggers came out. Such a FAKER.
kavita deva OMG, same here with my mother!! Whenever my friends would come over, or we went to church on Sundays, she transformed into a sweet angel. Everyone would tell me how amazing of a person my mother was, including my friends. Her fakeness made it impossible for me to share the problems I was having with her behind closed doors. Long story short, I am now 53 years old and have finally gone no contact about a year ago. I have never felt more free!! Not an easy decision, but I'm glad I finally broke the endless cycle. I only wish I had done it years earlier!
@@CG-bt7oc hey CG. I read your reply and I wanted to say isn't it disgusting the way they put on the fake nice to people around them and then those people actually say "your mom is so cool you're so lucky to have a mom like that she's so awesome". And like you said and then who are you going to talk to? Who's going to believe you? Nobody. Because they don't see what goes on behind closed doors. And boy are they a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde. I'm so glad you went no contact that is awesome. I'm 62 years old and when I was in my 50s early fifties I went no contact at all ever. And yes it is liberating. Some people say to me well when your mother dies don't you want to be there at her bedside don't you want to go to her funeral? And I say what for, heck no. Why should I be fake and go to her funeral or sit by her bedside. It is the worst kind of abuse ever is to have a narcissistic mother I think. Especially if you're the scapegoat. Thank you for your reply I hope you have a great weekend.
@@justlookalittledeeper9953 you got that right!!! Right beneath their facade of being fun and cool awaits the dagger that you will endure. It's Disgusting. Have a good weekend.
@@kavitadeva You're spot on! I've struggled with a lot of guilt by going no contact, but it has helped me as I have come to terms with the truth that my mother has never loved me. Narcs are not capable of genuine love, and narcissistic mothers are no exception. I know now that my mother only kept the "relationship" going because of how she might benefit from me in her old age. She is very passive aggressive and has hinted much over the years about it being a child's responsibility to take care of their aging parents. Funny thing though is that she dumped me in foster care for 6 years when I was young with zero intentions on coming back for me. You reap what you sow I guess!
I have witnessed this niceness to get them on their side. The narcissist calls them the best people. But, once their usefulness is no longer needed or they start to question the narcissist decisions, they are quickly tossed under the bus.
I think we are all guilty of being friendly at the beginning with humans, but the difference is agenda. Please keep your stuff, your stuff, even if you like someone. You never know!!! 💝
My narcissist’s motto when I met him was ‘think of others’ he was always helping everyone and fixing things, I thought he was so kind would help me hang out the washing do the dishes, cook.......six years later he won’t lift a finger to help me in fact he goes out of his way not to help me particularly if I ask but he still races off to help absolutely anyone else
Here’s how it works... He developed a character of perfection. You bought into it seeing him as superior to all other men... he read your requirements and fed them to you... and you rejected all other less then perfect/human suitors. Read this over and over again till you get it. That’s what happened. You don’t need a mystery on that, you need truth. A character is created and held. On stage off stage behavior. Your the stage. Your mind is the stage. Them thinking about your thinking is the target. Women fall prey to narcs, especially feminist women, due to biases against non perfect men, and cave woman desires for the alpha... but since you may be biased... you don’t know what a alpha leader/ strong man is... you stereo type, and lack nuance... so the narc sees this and give you a easy character you’ll always except. 2 things... 1- my dad did this continuously and it was disgusting to watch it work. 2- as long as your list of requirements is plastic, narcs will read your needs act flawlessly. I caught myself liking a female narc. She was ballerina statute pretty. Blue eyes, light hair, whimsical... elegant and refined in every way... yet down to earth in a I’m happening type of way... we hit it off well. “She got it, she got me...ect.” Btw, she dressed in a French/Japanese way, and was 100% American white girl... She was my ideal of grounded yet elevated charm and wife material . I was sold at first site, first behaviors... and her spunky yet demure attitude when she was with others... around me she was submissive and engaging... she felt extremely safe, and softly wise... So I began hunting for her down side... we all got one... what’s hers? She was thin... but the next rigid... she had a tight jaw... lots on anxiety and tension hiding just under everything... She watched me too much, she got more and more perfect as she watched me... over many meetings and group events... No doubt I wanted her, but... not at the cost of horror... so I’m double checking this perfect chick... Long story short... I sold her on a massage, something I did part time. She offered to sleep with me during the service. I passed... she was not offended in any way... she re-measured me as deeply spiritual... Then confessed to beating men she dates. That she rages and is disgusted and filed with unquenchable hate that thrives from within... and most of her partners let her beat them to remain in relationship with her perfectness... ect. She then left my life. But, she also left the lives of mutual friends... 2 dudes got married. On their stay at home honey moon night, she being a sub tenant... called the police, said a guy with a gun is in the house... trying to rob a safe in the bed room... she then left and was never herd from again... 6 cops in the house now, all dark, guns drawn... bust the door where married sane sex couple is in bed... it was not a nice moment for anyone... Those two guys then felt bad for her... and he “mistake”. No- she was jealous and punished them fir her jealousy then did a take away... by never coming back / discard. Be aware of perfect people. Some of them are acting... others just fear disapproval or running a good game of be a great person... You must figure out if they been trained to be great performers or are they actually evil... because ones a little insecure... that’s okay... the other is evil... Not sleeping with evil is a pretty important skill to have btw. I rejected my perfect girl, and for the right reasons... which was what I read in body language and then investigated via my massage service and open sharing... that was my way... maybe you have yours? Oh and I got paid 😎 when checking out my perfect girl... to some that’s a win... I lost nothing, but the illusion of her, and then the group of friends we had when she ditched some of them and others did not believe my knowledge of her... even after clear evidence presented both in crystal clear stories she confesses to me and in her death threat via cops misled by her whimpering calls for help by a armed intruder... which was obviously 🙄 retaliation for her not being married like they were... Unpredictable to say the least...
I would say another element is people who are "Facebook nice" - good deeds or promises of good deeds are photographed and shared on social media for validation.
We have to grieve reality. And we have to grieve the parts of ourselves we poured into these people who pretended to love us, to care, but they are not capable - poor, empty, self-centered souls!
@@elainelawrence7090 your comment is 100% correct. There's definitely a grieving process. Personally I can't believe that I was duped by this person my entire life. I'm mystified at the way they managed to manipulate the situation to benefit themselves for so long. It's been almost a year since I cut ties with this person and I'm still coming to terms with it.
And other people not believing you when you tell them of the narc's behavior. Because their nastiness only comes out behind closed doors without any witnesses.
That is my sister and it makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. She is giving me the cold shoulder because I don't do what she wanted. It's not like we're kids. I'm 65 and shes 64!
Same here. I’m 72 and she is 75. Nice to win you over and get what she wants from you or your kids. Always looking for ways to benefit her. No contact for six months now. So peaceful.
This is my mom. She has people so fooled that some of these people whom she's fooled actually have told her that they "wish she was their mom....," and I just stand by shaking my head saying to myself, "you haven't the slightest clue what you're wishing for, because she's most likely 1k times WORST than ur own mom
Narcissist: "I'm nice as long as you do everything I say and everything goes my way"
And, in my case, even when I did everything they said. Then the gaslighting telling me that what I thought happened never did. And all our mutual friends knew that too. Then he'd delighted reported crazy details of stories of my behavior that others had witnessed (must be those ghostly young ladies he told me about. I had no friends or family to call. Besides I was too embarrassed and afraid. and none of his contacts numbers. It was a hellish nightmare but I survived. I choose to thrive.
Absolutely. Spot on.
💯
Exactly 💯
Exactly, my ex hub is
The way they can change from nice into a rage instantly is horrifying.
It leaves you in shock.
I call it Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I remember the cold-dark eyes staring back at me sometimes. It is amazing how quickly they can switch gears.
I'd rather deal with a naked soul than have to figure out what's behind the mask!
Yes please help still trying to get out of the house there..
@OneOFThese NotLikeTheOther
I started smiling back lol
& now when hes trying to blame me for something he did to hurt me I laugh at him lolol
I got the worst things said type rage and a beginning of a discard, taking back earlier complimments, subtle threats, contempt , control, anger and crazy making yada yada yada as a discard and the next thing after - a funny post to him about Gordon Ramsey making soup. On the same day
Yes...he was serious I didnt even bother
Well! mr young narcissist you fucked that one up and shot yourself in the foot , my memory isny so awful I forget what happened a few hours prior (oh i think he was trying to throw me and switch/bait and switch) but I read what happened BEFORE, ya know when he was basically slating my very being and destroying my identity and trashing my right to exist
I said "i dont wish to talk about soup right now"
Penny dropped, he was usually uncommunicative but I'm sure he read it
Then before he replied I discarded HIM as nicely as i could and that was that
The bait and switch tactic is the most fucked up thing ive ever seen a person do but they do and it's HOW they attempt to not let you go. Didnt work on me , we were both discarding each other ha
sorry bit of a vent i'm just processing i guess
but yes it does you dont knowup from down and happens so fast . I personally find it helpful, like it shocks you into action
There's a difference between "nice" and a morally good person. Don't get them mixed up.
Exactly
This is a brilliant comment. That's exactly it. Someone can act nice but it's what they do when the chips are down that counts.
Amen. Well said.
I find that morally good people tend to keep a healthy distance from people, but fake nice people tend to always love being the center of attention.
Narcs are morally good at first too! Over time their persona all falls apart.
The worst is opening your heart to them fully without realizing they’re actually gathering information so they can then betray you bitterly. Lesson learned in the worst way 😔
So true! Dr. C
That’s exactly what happened to me 👍👍
And they enjoy betraying you. Makes them feel powerful.
So VERY true, 😪 This is why praying for God's protection, to protect and shield us from ALL danger and also to protect and shield our hearts on a daily basis, is essential. I pray continual blessings and healing for us all. Never lose faith in God. 🙏❤🙂
I’ve learned the hard way that when people are too friendly that’s a huge red flag.
Yep, it's almost always a grift.
@@heinzbaron9129 borderline personality can make people, people pleasers. Which is a shame, because these people are genuine but Co dependent. A narcs favourite snack.
I am often kind but it is a coping mechanism from my own abuse. The difference? I know that can make people uncomfortable so I respect their boundaries if they put them out.😊
Leftism.
A friend to all is a friend to none.
The “niceness “ never comes from from kindness. It is a super effective manipulation tool.
100% Correct
Ding ding ding!!!
Super effective gaslighting/triangulation strategy, being nice to everyone except you.
@@onacourtright-goheen2036 oh they are nice to you when hoovering u back, or making sure u are gonna be good while they are off and up to their shot elsewhere....but ask a question the niceness vanishes.
Someone who can only see the positive when confronted about anything negative scares me. Negative actions exist lol
Quiche Lorraine that new age way of thinking is so dangerous yet so effective for them.
They are transactional, not relational.
Exactly. They are doing " business " not kindness.
Amen
OMG. So true.
Well put.
This is exactly right
The worst is when they go from this fake nice to evil lighting fast.
do not click on the link it's a trick to get in your account
@@traceydearden9321 the link it's from me about the narc. I am sharing since I am looking at those videos.
Silly Swastika. Hadn’t seen him in years...picked me up at my sisters house. Sweet as pie, chatting us up, so interested in what we had to say. As soon as I got in the car, dismissive and bored. Didn’t ask one question about me even after all those years.
kathy montgomery I was dating a woman for a short period. One night while we were together we began talking about her faith. She’s Muslim, I’m not. The conversation was tense, but pleasant, as was she. It began getting serious as the topic of sex turned up. I felt it would be better to discuss that at another time as it was complex and we were not seeing things about it from exactly the same perspective. She immediately changed, began shaming me, accusing me of things. It became apparent she wasn’t at all interested in learning about me. It was her faith, her issues, her perspective, her feelings. I told her I wanted to discuss this matter in a more friendly space, she shamed me again, and we didn’t talk again; aside from her demanding I remove all social media posts of us together. I was actually hurt, because I valued our dating. But, I see that it as a grace now.
Silly Swastika Their rejection is such a blessing! To not be contacted is so much better than intermittent hoovering!
They don't like people confident enough to think with their own head
Denise Grieb,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
They despise that.
Yes. If you come up with an opinion from your own head, they will accuse you of getting it from someone else.
Or, they want to cause so much turmoil and distress, so that you don't behave calmly and rationally, and, you lash out at them or say something they can weaponise against you in the future.
@@carmenbrown3437 VERY TRUE! They usually claim those ideas as their own and take FULL credit for them as if they were the ones who came up with the ideas, not you. You never get credit for most of your ideas, from them. Go figure. 🤨
If they gossip about others you can be assured they're gossiping about you.
Flat out lies and pity seeking, is more like it.
"How they talk about others to you they'll eventually talk about you!" Yep. I don't know if it's a long-term strategy, but they all sudden fluff your ego up just to smack you down outta nowhere with a cheap shot like a COWARD
I know he used to make fun of people for being overweight or having a big nose,how mean he could be😎
@@allisonpayne2097Horrible behavior.
Sad thing is they seem to think they are actually genuinely nice.
like what do you even say.. my mother's a narcissist like i can't believe and asked for a hug yesterday.. it felt like i was being hugged by Voldemort
Yesss!!!
Denial
They really and truly believe their own publicity. It's astounding to witness.
That's because they have zero self-awareness.
They are nice if they need something, have a motive, or want something out of you.
You nailed it, they only use or abuse people to gain there self interest
They lie. DON't meet my sibling
K-_-_-_ R-- Nah'_-_-
He is liar
It's called acting
Exactly
THEN DUMP YOU IMMEDIATELY AFTED THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT. SUCH HORRID HATEFUL POS. PEOPLE,
No gift they give you comes for free.
Yes. Like out of nowhere they are bringing you breakfast in bed. Overly nice right? Then of course they are going away for the weekend and need to leave their dog with you! Bingo. Fake nice.
100%
Omg yes, if they do anything for you they are quick to throw it in your face. Had someone, not a friend anymore, tell me that she's the only who has ever helped me and good luck finding someone who cares and who is always there for me. She even told the guy I was seeing some ugly things about me, then turns around and says I'm sorry he hurt you but I told you to let him go a long time ago. Like WTF, he never hurt me. I blocked and deleted her from my whole life.
Omg that’s too too true!
Yes they are selfish and cunning, they have no real compassion and empathy.
Sometimes they are fake nice because they are abusing you in subtle, covert insidious ways. The fake niceness is a tactic employed so that you will pretend the abuse isn’t happening. The moment you call them out the fake niceness flies out the window.
The real person comes out. The nasty one who will do a smear campaign on you.
The mask comes off!
I have complained to my narcissistic dad, he told me me that I had no right to complain. He's a bully! His way or the highway. I can't be bothered!
It’s manipulation like how can you treat me so bad after I was so nice even though they’re plotting revenge against you by being fake nice
I don’t see how anyone can have a relationship with a Narcissist. There is only one person in the relationship, ………………and that’s THEM !
barbara briggs,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Sometimes there is a payoff but even that is too taxing and it ceases to be appealing.
Besides, if they give or do anything for you, you also at some point have to pay the price.
My reasoning is this: "okay I put up with you for the payoff, it was somewhat fair. Yet, although I already the price, now you are going to say I did nothing, say I did not earn or deserve it and punish me ON TOP of me already paying the price by being nice and sticking around him when that was always almost too much to sacrifice. Yet despite my sacrifice, the one thing I endured endlessly, he accuses me of being totally a zero. Which is infuriating!"
I want to ask him, "If you didn't help me with xyz, and I stayed for it despite your ugliness, then who would you get to yell and demean? "
Because the sex is insane with a narcissist
No kidding! I broke up with a guy and as I left he yelled after me" If you leave now ,you will never know how special I am." 😂😅😂😅😂
Narcissists have MANY personalities depending who they are talking to.
They are "One person" when they are talking to someone and then they are "Another person" when they are talking to someone else..
It is a BIG red flag that you are dealing with a Narcissist
My narcopath father & his minions have multiple .
I really disagree everybody has different ways depending on the many different emotions......I'd say keep an eye on the people that are always kind and happy....... anyone that doesn't show there angry side is very narcissistic in my opinion 🙂👍
@@soundwaveproductivity2081 Sounds like my neighbors they are super nice & happy until you don't give em what they demand then next thing you know they flip out on you for no reason .
I noticed my husband was a cameleon. I said to him "Don't you even HAVE a personality of your own?" He replied that he "Goes along to get along". He justified his behaviour as a ploy to win approval. I asked him if he had any values and standards. He never replied.
@@l.5832 Sounds like my father !
You can usually just feel the lack of sincerity. It really can't be faked 100%.
Those with empathy can see right through it. It's really sad.
One easy way to spot a narcissist is to simply go through life being authentic. Because the narcs will expect you to respond with fake niceness to them, and if you don't, it drives them crazy!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣
the true empaths can tell for sure
Don't be fooled. I have met a few who have perfected the act.
@@LittleLulubee hmm this must be why I can usually spot " fake niceness ".
Before I understood what NPD was, I used to say "Everyone's nice at first, especially the worst people. They're the nicest."
Wow....well said
Wow I'm sorry o totally disagree I am nice and generous and kind but not a narcissistic
I must ask....WHY so Defensive to Prove this? Sometimes it is Nice to Allow "others" to Tell US how Nice we may be! 💓☀Peace & Love!☀💓
I think you guys are missing my point. I'm not saying that all nice people are Narcissistic. I'm saying that Narcissists go so over the top with being fake nice when you first meet them, they overdo it.
Yep I totally get what you’re saying. The WORST do initially come off being nice, more so than normal nice people ... every time.
Narcissists are completely 2 faced and cruel.
I was so duped by a narcissist.
I can't seem to get past the incredible sting.
Like I don't even trust my judgement anymore.
It's tough.
I agree & am stunned! I can’t believe what I’ve let the narcs get away with. I let these wackos abuse me for many many years.
You will be alright by listening to stuff like this
It's not your judgment so much as it's their incredible talent for gaslighting. 😢
in romantic relationships, when you figure them out, they will discard you like you are nothing.
Not like we wanted to _stay_ in that relationship anyway, right...?
It's because they cannot fool you anymore..and they badly need the supply.. as my Narc said.. "I am suffocated in relationship.. and need to see other people.".. before he was suffocated with his ex wife.. in future he will be suffocated with other person who will figure him out.
Thank you Dr. C for support and wisdom !
Yep. Mine did. My ex narc chased me for two years and built me up to believe he was in love with me. That is, until, I caught him kissing a former friend of mine at a summer picnic last August. The expression on his face was one of complete shock when he saw me staring at the two of them from across the picnic shelter. I learned he had actually married her behind my back over the summer. I thought I was going to die when I found out.
From that moment on, he acted as he never knew me and as if nothing had ever happened between us. For him, it was like he'd flipped off a light switch on his "feelings" for me.
Yes! All of a sudden, you are the crappiest person, you never do anything for them, you are ungrateful, childish, and toxic to them. I could go on and on.
Hayley Crawford - So true! My Narc Ex-husband & me we’re married for 15 years and have two children. He no longer claims to know me.
Sad part is it’s all an act and to hide their true broken selves. Watch how they suddenly change the moment they don’t get their way, things don’t go their way, etc. It’s as if a switch flipped.
YEP!!!
When they don't get their way they through temper tantrums.
So true! Absolutely!!!
Yes, most definitely! Yesterday, I tried this out on my narc to see if he'd still respond/react the same. Since he said " he's changed" sure...
I txt him, " I'm sorry that I'm quiet, but I'm just not in the mood to talk today" he replied with kind of bragging that he's going for an AMAZING dinner with his son, after a tooth being pulled. He txt me before bed, " I love you 😞😞" I said good night. So early morning I get a txt from him " good morning sunshine" haven't got one of those in a while. He says " hope you're ok, you've got me worried, plz let me know what's going on" 2nd msg " plz let me know, I'm really starting to worry. If I'm bothering you, I'll leave you alone. If you hate me😞" I knew if I opened up n told him what's really on my mind, he'd blow up, twist it up, play victim, blame me or give me the guilt trip. And so he did. First telling me , he's there for me, to speak n tell him what's on my mind. Why, so he can use it against me later to play victim? He was only worried bout himself!!! That I wasn't giving him attention for that short time. His mind goes nuts with all the crazy thoughts of what I could be doing without him. He attacked me through txt, then later admits he's so scared to lose me. Smh so sad...
@@georgejgilles.3999 mostly for nothing. I underwent a tantrum because he didn't like my shoes. Yelling and screaming, multiple times over my shoes ! WTF !!!
It’s not right that these types of people are allowed to go through life ruining relationships and hurting ppl. 😩
I ABSOLUTELY AGREE!!!!!
[short] don’t be food for other people. [long] To your point: Ok, but the best defense is daylight. That’s why we’re here, right; learning about some behavior we’ve seen that didn’t jive. They’ll learn when they’re socially shutdown and isolated. It’s not right at all, but we’re not defenseless either. Take care of your circle and pass on your knowledge/experience and then there will be more like you than the fake “nicists”. They aren’t committing crimes per se and they’re allowed to be garbage people; you, however, don’t have to just stand there and take it on the chin.
SO TRUE!
It's not right that they're allowed to have kids 🙄
@@LittleLulubee Exactly. Mine should have been fixed.
During the pandemic, I got to witness how my ex interacted with her co-workers and was shocked that she actually conveyed gratitude, vulnerability, and consideration. The way she treated our son and me was the polar opposite.
Narcissist's seem to hug you while actually they're feeling for a good place to put their knife.
Narcs put the "ice" in Nice.
Calculated.
Smart ;)
Well said👍🏾
Yes.
They are flatlining ... like comatose.
They are nice as long as they are the admired star of the show (life).
@Human 101 It sounds defensive because narcissists are manipulative and often are verbally and physically abusive (i.e. they attack others).
I don’t have a good feeling about’Human101!’ I think it’s better NOT to respond to this ‘human.’
You need to say : “you are the best person ever all the time” ! It’s crazy 😜
Your right about that they always right never wrong
Dollface Kimbrough 🤪😱🤣🤣🤣In THEIR MINDS! 🤪🤪🤪🤪
As a child I never trusted anyone nice because experience taught me nice was dangerous.
me too
MaG & Sideswiped. 🙁. So sorry.
That response has it’s own dangers. Been there, done that. Refuse to wear the tshirt
Cristina Acosta : Respecting the attitude - but I’m sorry any child had to grow through that.
As a child I learned to people plz, figure out what others wanted from me, and deliver at all costs. As an adult, I learned why I was like that and not to trust nice people, bc turns out, their intentions are polar opposite to mine. I projected my motivations for kind acts, into them and WOW did I ever live to regret that!!!
Coercive control, constant need for validation, curious (nosey/endless questions), blah, blah, blah...
I find the quickest/ most effective way to repel a narcissist or narcissistic person is, to not conform to their interests. Be nice back, but if they ask you to do something or go somewhere you don't want to go, "just say no". I think we train them to think it's ok when we don't say no.
If you say no, it works
I half agree with you. I think relationships are give and take and one can compromise a little on this or that, if they genuinely like each other as a friend or a lover
Fake niceness = setting a trap for you. Run for your life in the opposite direction
...and never look back.
👍
My mother is a fake nice narcissist who helps somebody, then talks about them like a dirty dog behind their backs. But her actually helping someone is pretty rare if she can't immediately get something out of it.
That may fall under communal narcissism .
MaGuffintop yep, that’s one of the things that makes me feel my neighbor is a narcissist. Leaves me 2 of those virus keys you use to not touch things while in public. Then, immediately moves towards wanting to sit and chat on a schedule. Couldn’t make it 2 days before she tells me she think she has MS, wants my phone number to give to her husband in prison as an emergency number and wants to give me the key to her apartment. Told her no. It was obvious that she felt that she’d give me a “token” of appreciation for me to be a free caregiver and change the trajectory of my life, like it was nothing. I don’t even know her. I’m just the tenant upstairs. But, there are many clues to leading me to believe she’s narcissistic. The speed at which she suddenly moved, after being here for 3 years, her little token of appreciation for trying to suck me in, thinking nothing of my life as a person, in contrast to her own and, possibly, feeling that this is going to have to happen, whether I like it or not. I have a nasty streak, too, so don’t shit test me...
MaGuffintop yes. Yes, we do. Bit of a moat.
The constant humble bragging is the worst
l wbhkl my narcissistic mother never brags. It’s more of a smug assumption that she’s in charge and her 2 daughters had better not forget it. I have though. That’s why she hasn’t seen me in over 2 years. For the most part, I’ve extracted her smug ass from my life. Let my sister be the willing victim, although I get the sense that it’s now 2 narcs against one another. Staying out of that.
Kind of pathetic to watch though. My mother is now 76. She’s perfectly capable of living under the continued assumption that she’s getting away with using my sister and I and, yes, she told me that she’d just been using me all these years. But, she’d live under the assumption that she’s giving my sister a Trojan horse (house up the street from her), so my sister will feel ultra commitment to mowing her lawn, doing her grocery shopping and anything else my mother wants her to do, while she holds down 3+ jobs, while in turn, my financially desperate sister has my mother’s debit card number...
Of course, after I’ve been scapegoated, if my mother ever finds that my sister has done some dipping, my mother will want me to fix it, the same as when she called me to reign in my sister last year, after my sister wouldn’t call her 2-3 times per day. I told her to get used to it. Ultimately, she called the police on my sister the next week, they found my number and I told them what I felt was actually going on.
I have no problem with the both of them strangling one another to death and I have a couple of other relatives who, despite knowing what’s going on, want me to actually be involved, so they can go jump in there and kill themselves, as well.
It is beyond scary how stellar the narcissist's acting skills are. For them, all the world is a stage and we are merely actors.... But the narc is always the star (in their twisted alternate reality).
Just got whacked with this.
A concillitory e mail to both my son and I, mine to go along with him in a divorce proceeding that would benefit him immediately, me, sometime in the future, and asking my son to collaborate on some projects, again immediate gain for him, potential long gain for my son. Could this be a case of future faking?
However, to my lawyer, a scathing 2 and a half min voicemail explaining his emotional suffering, and requesting a meeting with her.
Nay , nay we say.
My estranged husband takes great pride in being a " professional liar" and a "great actor."
@@ruthmerrett652 RUN!!! Run as fast and as far as you can, and don't look back!
Yes!! But We’re just cardboard cutouts, the audience, not even actors .
@@AS-kw5hd True!!
I married one and was with him 20 years. I had myself convinced something was wrong with me. The entire relationship- in hindsight- was me working every day to make his life as easy as it could be. Eventually I broke and withdrew into major depression, lost my vision due to poor health, and had both my knees replaced. I’m not even 50 yet and he never once thought to try and help me out of it. He’s not a helper. He acts very empathetic and caring in front of of others but the truth is more insidious. My greatest sadness is that we share two children and he’s polarized them so dramatically since he had the upper hand financially, power wise, AND I’d never spoken poorly about him to anyone. No one knew. I guess I didn’t understand it either.
When I was in my teens surrounded by narcissism I had a saying: "Nice people are not always Good. And Good people are not always Nice. " I spent a lot of time testing my theory.
Angela Kostiuk,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are not with a narcissist…..
@@oscarwilliamson1128 Oscar!! Thank you.
@@angelakostiuk1409 You are welcome.I will be glad to know you.Are you on Facebook?.If yes what’s your username
This would be my mother, and then when you explain to your friends how mean she is they don't believe you.
Elizabeth i had the same problem . Because these “ friends “ don t have the same experience as you. Listen to your self first, you don t need validation from others.
@@astra7015 We all need to be understood and validated. You are no different, otherwise you wouldn't be here.
My mother too. And some people think I'm a bad child for saying my mother is a narcissist. Because "all mothers should be loved"…
But it's ok to speak out and say the truth because you never who you may help or even connect with.
Ive struggled with honor your mother and your father, but what if they are not honorable themselves
@Lil bit thank you from the bottom of my heartm i needed to hear that
This is my mom exactly. She projected it onto me often. It confused me for years. Every time someone was nice to me she would say “they are just being nice. They don’t really like you. That’s what people do”. No mom. That’s what you do! Glad I finally see that.
Omg I could totally feel you pain. I have the same mom who used those same words on me. I met the greatest man last year who is younger than me. My mom told me, "I'm not even worried about meeting him because he won't even like you for long because you will be old and wrinkly and he won't like you for much longer"
Yes, my mom said those words to me. It's the last thing she will ever get to say to me. No contact for me.
I'm still with this amazing man to this day
I doubt I could get through all this abuse if it weren't for Dr. C. ❤️
Wow she came out and said it. Triangular projection.
angela pitts omg! That’s awful! Definitely sounds like my mom. She loves to tell me how I’m not good enough for whoever I’m dating. Im glad to hear you were able to break free and found someone who loves you! I personally think it’s the best source of both peace and revenge!
Gods Warrior yes! Exactly!
Lil bit thanks! And yeah they sure do want everyone to be miserable.
It’s always followed by a mean comment. The nice act is never real
Or the nice act comes right after they announce their intentions to screw you over, or did something malicious behind your back.
Right on the head ,😉
The disguise an insult as a compliment
Always! "I love you, but gosh you're doo mean" was his favorite one. And gossip!!!! Omg I never heard a man gossip so much. It was too much then, but now that I'm out 🤮🤮🤮 I just can't! I always say ok I'm not listening to this I gotta go, and hang up. Especially when he starts badmouthing my family.
Got that right 💯
I realized she had narcissistic tendencies when suddenly the nice mask started to slip. When I would confide in her she’d look at me with dead eyes, and would take so long to respond that I would apologize for saying too much, then she’d casually say it was okay and my feelings were valid, but never really went much deeper. It was like she was reading from a script and there was nothing behind it, no emotion or empathy. The final straw was when she said she was happy I found someone to talk to at a party she invited me to, cause she was ANNOYED with having to socialize with me, that she just wanted to dance cause that was her “therapy”. Just the same dancing for hours on end… no talking, then why even invite me? I was just a prop for her. I was shocked at how insane that all sounded and checked out of the friendship immediately.
The dead eyes are the giveaway!
empty
When lying people say "lets do lunch" I avoid it but in my brain I think of something I heard. "Let me check my calendar.... How about never?" This makes me smile.
"Relationship" with a narcissist is always transactional.
After my dad beat on me for the last time when I was 17 years old and I ran 2 miles to my moms work and he tried beating on me again and I knocked him out in the middle of the street, the police showed up. The respondents had worked with my dad when he was a cop and told my my mom “he’s never been nothing but nice to me”. My mom said “you never had to live with him.” The police tried taking me to jail for domestic assault against my abuser. Luckily I was already delayed entry into the navy and my recruiter got me shipped out early and kept me from criminal charges. I went into law enforcement vowing to never use my authority for my own benefit. Promising myself to follow the path of truth and honesty. I don’t speak to my abusive dad anymore or any of his family. Knocked him out cold.
You went and became a cop but vowed to not abusing your power after you were abuse by a cop abusing his power! Yeah fucking right you probably killed some innocent black kid because he didn’t listen to your commands! Fuck the Police!!
@@jamaalhorton2343 dang. You don't even know me and you are willing to speak to a complete stranger this way. This is sad. I wish you the best. Thank you for your reply.
I’m sorry your dad treated you that way. Thank you for your service.
Good for you! I shared a similar experience growing up in an abusive family. Now you need to learn to forgive. Hugs
When a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey, he is obligated to do so
All that glitters is not gold!!
Thanks for 🤣😂😆 I needed that 😄
Excellent way to put it thank you
💯💯💯💯
David Slocum
No there was a lot of shit n fire under the glitter that dazzled me 😬
While yes, the line is a truism. I would be careful that you don't feed the idea that every ex is a narc or that everyone is a victim.
I came in search of answers at first to an accusation from an ex that in the end discarded me after almost 2 year long relationship and dating within a month of last speaking to me. It is a long tale, and I almost told it but to cut to the chase
I just love that you quote Shakespeare on a video about narcissism. Mercy and forgiveness are themes touched on in almost all of Shakespeare's works, let alone "Merchant of Venice." Mind you, I find that almost refreshing in comparison to the "honest help," if not actually "helpful help" youtube comments usually inspire. Though, I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by it.
If you are using the quote from Tolkien, I would point to the first book of Lord of the Rings and Gandalf's rebuff of Frodo not to let ill will take hold in his heart:
"“Deserves it? I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.”"
Even a later line of the very poem you quoted:
"deep roots...(shit trying to remember, sorry.. adhd brain is fun...paraphrase time) can't be reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crown-less again shall be king."
There are man ways insight can be found in timeless words like these. It just really depends on the mind trying to perceive a truth and really how they approach the world. At least IMO.
Like for me, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I have you red-handed with evidence, because I just don't think it's fair to, I guess, "falsely accuse" someone of something like NPD. I just don't think I could bear having it on my conscious to do that and find out I was wrong. For that reason, even though my ex really freaking hurt me, I can't and wont call her a narcissist unless she is diagnosed.
I know she will not come back, nor do I really want her to. I do actually want her to at least maybe find whatever it is she is looking for so she can be happy.
How do you ever trust a person is genuine again after being stung by a narcissist?
Sheralee Healey,You are beautiful,hope you are not with a narcissist...
You do not trust people. People ALWAYS lie. Trust God.
Take it slowly and let God do His work
I’m still learning too. I tried making a new friend, and while I don’t think she’s got NPD, she’s definitely got tendencies and just discarded me after I called her out. I don’t take lightly to people walking all over me, I used to just shrug it off but now I call them out! Then they turn it around and say you’re the jerk for calling them on their behavior. Then they usually try to manipulate a situation to make them look like the victim so they can absolve themselves from the original aggression.
This is the worst part
The fake nice is so true, they are only fake nice when they want something from you, or to make sure their reputation / image is highly important for others to like them. My narc was always concerned that I wouldn't say anything to anyone about him- he would always be insecure of me talking about him and his actions/ attitude. He made sure I was seen as the "crazy" one, delusional and always would say I was " obsessed" with him. Yes, he was always asking about my life and day- BUT never would tell me about his day or life nothing, he was so vague and sometimes I would say rarely he would slip and tell me what already had happen , but would always change the subject- YES, he loved gossip and always wanted me to tell him about others so he can go and tell them about what I said OR to have something to converse about with said person. As in he felt " empathy" - fake empathy that is. He would take my ideas or words and use them with others, but never had any of his own. He would think of people as " objects" to use for later.
Soooo true..
they have to make sure they make a production out of their niceness. Everyone must know how much they did.
They can't just be nice for nice sake.
They avoid face to face talking if theres a misunderstanding. They'll fire arrows at your back but when confronted, will run for cover or they'll bluff charge you with" how dare you question my motives". They're 2 faced for sure.
It’s a one sided relationship catering to their interests.
Yes, if you're not doing things their way then you're doing it wrong.😢
Narcissists can be as nice, accommodating and “overly” helpful to their “public” they are trying to impress as they can be rude, selfish and dismissive to those close to them behind closed doors. I wish I’d thought to have a recorder turned on during that final “rage”....
True. They care a lot more about the opinions of strangers than their family members or those closest to them .
Yes. Narcs stomp all over family, every chance they get. It used to bother me so bad that the narc in my life wasn't satisfied mistreating me, she needed to mistreat my kids too. Once I started ignoring her for months, I noticed her own kids weren't immune from her bs.😥
Definitely
Fake niceness is not kindness. They're the most condescending, judgmental contemptuous vindictive people you will ever meet.
don't let them fool you!
Their nice always has strings attached to it. If they do any niceness towards you, there is ALWAYS and expectant payment for it. I hate getting a so-called gift and you later find out you must PAY for it.
Correct, mine would buy me something that she liked, every single time (even though we had opposite tastes AND she knew it!) and then expect me to grovel and kiss her backside afterwards, like an "I owe her" something. My husband confronted her at one point when she was buying a gift for our daughter (her granddaughter). She said, "I just can't find something that I like". My husband responded, "It isn't your birthday. How about get her something she likes". Well, we got the passive aggressive treatment afterwards. You can't reason with these people at all. It took us years, but we finally got the strength to go no-contact. We just couldn't take the sick games anymore.
Because of the way I was raised, I truly believed that all mothers were lovely, serviceable saints in public and horrifying, terrorizing witches at home. I thought all my peers were keeping secrets about how scary their mothers were, like I was. It wasn’t until I was thirty and had consistent interactions with many healthy women that I realized the way I was raised wasn’t normal. Being adorable to everyone else while terrorizing your children at home isn’t normal.
Those beings that raised us have no right to be called “mother.” I’m so done with (edit: that being).... finally feeling free of that thing. And don’t feel guilty for finally confronting her & standing up for myself. There’s no disrespect in standing up for yourself or eliminating them from your life when they’ve done nothing but be mean. I truly feel one thing... They’re demonic and envoy it. They know what they do. They don’t care about anyone. Reason why I don’t feel sorry for that thing anymore. Never again gonna allow her evilness into my life again. 78 yrs old and doing her best to not just put the whole family against me but also put my own grown sons against me too. That’s what she last came to do. No more visits or ANYTHING for her! Crazy how bad that BEING can be. No joke. Much love and stay strong 💪🏼 😇 nothing wrong with eliminating the yuck out of our lives❣️ it’s all about caring, respecting ourselves and having dignity. No space for hate either. Just lots of love for ourselves as we have to learn to re parent ourselves on a daily basis. Big Hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Exactly...its Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. They have well crafted public personas that make it hard for people to believe your story. They only see the fake “ sweet” side... not the true monsters that come out behind closed doors. Made it difficult for me to receive help as a child and as a teenager because of both my parents' duplicitous bullshit.
And the constant comments from friends or people in the community I lived in who thought they were genuinely in the presence of amazing people ""Omg you're so lucky she's your mom" or " You're dad is brilliant and such a good guy" also created endless opportunities for gaslighting and self doubt (really just opportunities to pretend and wish these comments to be true) Damn... if you people only really knew...
My yes, growing up I thought all mothers were monsters. It took me many years to realize that some mothers truly love their children.
I think mothers only love their boy children. Girls are resented and passed over.
@@verseau8360 It's extremely common for narc mothers to hate their daughters as soon as they hit puberty. Because they're SEETHING with jealousy, and they can't accept that you're becoming a woman, and that you're your own person. This happened to my sister and I, as soon as we turned 13, my mom turned against us. Even my narc aunt turned against me at that age, too. They feel threatened by us. They see us as competition. Whereas my mom treated my brother like a GOD. She literally worshipped the ground he walked on. And she even flirted with my boyfriends. Disgusting!!!!!!
Narcissist: I’m the most kind, caring and giving person in the world. I’d give you the shirt off my back.
INTERPRETED FROM A NARC SURVIVOR: THEY ARE THE KINDEST PERSON; IF YOU DO THEIR BIDING!! THEY ARE THE MOST CARING; CARE ONLY ABOUT THEMSELVES!! THEY WILL GIVE YOU HELL!!! THAT’S THE ONLY THING THEY KNOW HOW TO GIVE!!! SHIRT OFF THEIR BACK CAME FROM ANOTHER ONE OF THEIR VICTIMS!!!
I doubt that. But it was a good try
They say they will give the shirt off their backs and you should too. I think that's a form of manipulation too. Because he knows I would .... but puts a spin on it and says " I wouldn't." And that's about a stranger! I'm nice but that kind of manipulation and assumption is weird he belittled me like that. He puts words in my mouth and twists it to suit his narc.
Gaslighting. I guess.
There was a self book I can't remember the name of it...it said beware of the naked stranger offering you the shirt of their back....trying to remember what book this was
Sadly I am a person who does really express loyalty and concern with hopes of helping and being there for a person
Jim Mahaffey please remember that title! 🤞🏽 Sounds insightful
Narcissists take pride in their acting skills.
But they are shitty actors and we all know it's a bad show. The picture is askew. Run away. And take your money with you.
Lol Yup
@@pelicancovebeach2873 : Academy Award winners, all.
@@elizabethandiosa4579 the money part! I'm disabled waiting on my SSI to be approved and the ex narc made fun of my disabilities and said I got a mind of a child...ok well I'll be living in abundance and joy cuz I don't gotta work. What a miserable person smh
Thanks for showing that we're not crazy for believing "nice" people can also be narcissists. I'm struggling a lot after 11 years with a "nice" narcissist in daily life (thankfully not my loving spouse). From the outside, on paper and objectively, this person seemed like a dream, too good to be true. I'd dealt with a "rage narcissist" in the past, so I never really believed a person who gives excessive praise and gifts could be a narcissist. But the "nice narcissist" was worse because it kept me captured for so many years. This person gives me nightmares, and every interaction left me feeling drained, stripped of strength, always feeling trampled or like I have to kill my dignity if I want to remain in good graces. It was only after interactions with friends that I realized you're not supposed to have daily disturbed sleep and feel despair, humiliated, oppression, in a healthy relationship, no matter how "good" and "nice" and "virtuous" they seem on the outside. I relate at the core to this.
Hits Home 💯
The one rule to follow: don’t expect anything from them and don’t get attached!
Dr Carter, you are concise when it comes to their behaviour. They switch behaviour according to who they want to impress.
Yes, they try to mirror the person they’re with. They don’t have their own genuine personality. They try to take on others to either fit in or be accepted. But the scariest is when they are envious of someone and try to be just like that person. My ex narc has (had) a childhood friend who became a very successful business owner. And my ex tried to live on his level. Which ended up draining the bank, bills not getting paid, cars repossessed. Even spending the money on other supplies (women). Wouldn’t let me have access to the finances. Even though I was the breadwinner. So, I didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late for me to fix his mess.) Ended up opening my own account; didn’t go over well. Didn’t do any good anyways; he was always broke. So I still had to foot ALL OF THE BILLS!! All because he wanted to try to live the lifestyle and tried to become his friend. Which he couldn’t do and didn’t think he had to do anything to get it. Thought he deserved it. It was disturbing; like “single white female” disturbing.
danielle morrison Yup that’s who they remind me of “single white female” crazy people
"TIME with this person is going to ultimately be my teacher" *GOLDEN ADVICE*
I learned a lot about myself after escaping the trap of my now ex narcissist. Shame that this teacher had to leave me with scars.
If it doesn't kill you first.
I call it nice nasty. Nice to the point they get what they want then back to their old self. I'm cordial, but give nothing more.
Nicety....😝
Same. I distance myself and keep away. I think it hurts their ego.
@@user-eu8hj2ek7f You're correct. Nothing burns them up more than being put on the back burner.
Nicety.
I love that it eats him up being put as last priority. It lets him know how I felt for so long .. now he's all crying and apologies. Too little too late. Save this "new you" for the next one!
“Let the relationship build up organically” patience. Very helpful. Thank you.
They can turn on the niceness in public then immediately switch to manipulation and rage in an instant when behind closed doors
Hollow Man is like this. Everyone around us thinks he is just the sweetest, nicest, kindest guy they ever met! They have no idea.
Zero idea... actually anti idea... they will project greatness now on this evil person your dealing with... it’s not neutral at all-
My spouse was like this!
They’re all really lovely when they’re getting whatever it is THEY want! As soon as they’re not getting what they want, brace for the rage! They promise all sorts (at first) but never follow through with any of them. Never go off what people say; look at what they DO! Take care and be narc free ❤️
Asseyez-vous. Very true I've experienced this and it's painful and confusing when you've been kind and loyal only to realise it was a one way street. Also beware of those who say "trust me" and "I'll be honest..." or use religion as a buffer at first as they seem to be the worst liars, manipulators and back stabbing, vilifying troublemakers in the end.
True. You can never trust an N’s words.
Experienced this yesterday with the ex. So predictable and dumb.
Yep, actions speak louder than words, and past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. Narcs never change, when you identify one don't give them a second chance.
That’s exactly how she was. She would turn on the charm with everyone and completely ignore me. But in the beginning she made me the center of her attention.
Ferengi rule of acquisition 48: the bigger the smile the sharper the knife.
And Shakespeare's Hamlet: "One may smile, and smile, and be a villain."
I am seeing the TABLES ARE TURNING for a LOT of narcs!!! Thank you UNIVERSE!!!
My mom is very good at this. The cognitive dissonance still plagues me even after over a year of no contact. I’m staying strong though and not letting the fake her hide the real her anymore.
Love to all going through dealing with one of these individuals.
I used to call him Dr. Jeckyll / Mr. Hyde because he was such a different person behind closed doors.
Oh yeah
That was what I labeled my father.
street angel,home devil
I always listen to your videos from beginning to end. There is always a great moral to the story! Narcissists are very superficial. If you are beautiful, have money, dress nice & impressive on the "outside" they love the facad. If you are beautiful inside, dependable, substanative....they have trouble relating to "real people."
Yep
So TRUE
As long as you say yes, you see this happy grin. All is positive.
The moment you say no to a narcissist, the happines disappears.
It's like a light switch.
Thank you for another great video 👌
Once you learn how "fake nice" looks like in a narcissists...it actually looks evil.
Narcissists are masters at working a room! They’re master manipulators. It’s not their true persona. They are keenly cunning & deceptive. Run, and run fast & don’t look back.
Exactly!!👍
Since I was a kid I could smell fake. I never understood why nobody else around me could. They always carry like two personalities at once. The fake nice in front, but there is always something insecure lingering behind like "you gonna buy it,yes,yes,yes?"
gratismahlzeit that is great for you to have had that ability to smell fake. Just curious about how your relationships went . Were there ones that you couldn’t detect immediately that ended up being a narc?
sil b Good question because the Narc is at the very top of the FAKE game, since they were a kid too....
Yes yes yes!!!!
@@silb8139 I don't know about the OP, but I've always been able to smell fake too. And I ended up with a narcissist "friend" anyway. Not because I didn't recognize the lies, but because I thought that I would help this poor person discover their true selves so they didn't have to be miserable and fake anymore. Yes, even though she tried to control everything that I did and even though I recognized it instantly, I still thought that I could fight her narcissism with kindness. I was very dumb. And now my self-esteem is a mess.
The problem with being able to smell fake is that it also usually means that you can smell misery. And that makes you want to help people who are destroying their own lives. How can you coldly turn away from somebody being fake when all you can see inside is a scared little girl? I blocked her on Facebook yesterday because she keeps suckering me back in with sympathy. But I'm done. She stole my best friend of 22 years and poisoned her against me, and I cannot ever, ever, ever take her back. I had a Frodo/Sam kind of relationship with this best friend, no joke. How can somebody be so evil as to purposefully poison that kind of a friendship?
It’s because you are highly intuitive, maybe even an empath. I’m the same way and used to get in trouble a lot because I saw through people’s BS as a kid and responded accordingly- which to adults was “disrespectful”. Oh well. I’m an old lady now, and my “disrespect” is very pronounced. I’ll call a fake out to his/her face.
My mom is like this with writing letters to children (kids she used to babysit years ago) and family members (grandkids and nieces and nephews). She will send letters and gifts to lots of people. I think every young child gets this golden impression of her. It's interesting because my stepson saw completely through it and dislikes her.
Beware of of overly friendly, very nice persons. I have seen many of them change to a worst enemy.
I'm getting the Fake Nice by them wanting to pretend that they didn't emotionally kick the crap out of me, so if I dare bring it up...then they are astonished and accuse me of not being reasonable.
These nicest gossip a lot about everybody tell everybody’s business
I was embarrassed more than once to hear reports of personal news he'd shown I considered private....Felt like a cyber rape to me
If you have to deal with a Narcissist, you have to outsmart them, period. Then you disappear forever!
Now I am wise to everything, however, I was not initially with my narc husband. We would be invited to a work party or go out to dinner. Although we didn't talk to each other on the way and the vibe was tense and negative, he would open my car door...pull out my chair...etc. It was freaking wierd! However, as soon as we got home, he would leave me in the car and walk into the house like it was the worst, event ever. There have been several instances at church...or at a public function where he would hold my hand or something...(and I'm like...what? He doesn't even talk to me without insults...What is this?) It is always about their "FALSE FRONT." The relatiionship was never based on any love or truth....just their desire to meet the expectation of society so that they appear normal and as though they have it together.
Yep
It is awful experiencing this.
Confusing confidence killers.
He wants me to like his food selections, his choice of trips, never inquiring about my preferences or places I would like to go. His interest is the main focus, I'm invisible.
Went true that for ten years
That's because he does not see you as a separate person. You are merely an extension of himself, and you should feel honored to be so. 😢
their fake nice is really charming, public display of affection towards children n old people. when u saw their cold toxic side, u will be shocked.
They never want to share their opinion,they don't want you to know who or what they really are,they keep their opinions to themselves,which at first comes across as them being such a nice & non judgemental person,they do this so they can chop & change to suit & morph in whatever way that will benefit them.another helpful vid,thank you.
Every word, every action has an agenda with these folks, sometimes they take their time setting all these in motion, that you might not see the actual plan happening.
you got that correct! but sometimes they take years to slowly screw some one over
Sounds like my scorpio supervisor, she has an agenda for everyone and everything. I’m like damn I have to be on guard daily when dealing with her. She hates being called out for her errors and will never admit full fAult it’s always another departments fault or yours. I will never trust her ever, I back myself up and keep receipts for what I do, she’ll throw you under a bus so fast it’s ridiculous.
Sadly they’re ulteriorly motivated.
Buttafly 2014 That Scorpio sounds more like a snake 🐍 LOL
I use the word 'grooming' when I think how did I MISS this all these 35 years. My sister warned me but I dismissed. He was the best with my Mum and Dad in their last years. He was the best Dad. Gut always knew: puts everyone else, and dismisses me, no interest in me, rubbishes my careers, sisters told me he adores me and so proud (I didn't feel it, I knew). And they are very, very patient. NHS clapping, as example. Rubbished my career in Nursing, he was first put on our street, clapping and cheering, waving at all the neighbours. I turned to my daughter and said, So proud of you (NHS worker). He has rubbished our jobs and, worse, no empathy for people who's lives are hard or disadvantaged. Narcissists must have an horrendous life doing things for others, for validation, when it's not in their heart. What resentment they hide.
mine was also the first on the street to go out and applaud the nhs workers, (only for attention &to be liked by neighbours tho), he even sang the national anthem!... I was hiding inside,
Looks good sounds good, something doesn’t feel right… I’ve had the same experience
It makes my head explode when he literally starts an argument with a false accusation against me and then says " what did I do... remind me... I have a problem I don't know" ....
I started refusing "favors" he volunteered to do for me, and he would get angry and do them anyway, then try to use them to say I owed him. Even when I repeatedly told him, "NO, do NOT do that! I don't want it!"
Karen stauffer,You are beautiful,hope you are not with a narcissist....
My severely Narcissistic mother was the poster child for fake nice. We'd be at a restaurant and she'd put on this fake smile and engage the server. I would get totally embarrassed. To me it was so obvious shes faking nice. But the server would love it and eat it up. Some would say "your mom is so cool" inwardly I was disgusted. As soon as they'd walk away her Narcissistic daggers came out. Such a FAKER.
kavita deva OMG, same here with my mother!! Whenever my friends would come over, or we went to church on Sundays, she transformed into a sweet angel. Everyone would tell me how amazing of a person my mother was, including my friends. Her fakeness made it impossible for me to share the problems I was having with her behind closed doors. Long story short, I am now 53 years old and have finally gone no contact about a year ago. I have never felt more free!! Not an easy decision, but I'm glad I finally broke the endless cycle. I only wish I had done it years earlier!
When they're putting on that fake smile you can often feel the hostility just below the surface.
@@CG-bt7oc hey CG. I read your reply and I wanted to say isn't it disgusting the way they put on the fake nice to people around them and then those people actually say "your mom is so cool you're so lucky to have a mom like that she's so awesome". And like you said and then who are you going to talk to? Who's going to believe you? Nobody. Because they don't see what goes on behind closed doors. And boy are they a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde. I'm so glad you went no contact that is awesome. I'm 62 years old and when I was in my 50s early fifties I went no contact at all ever. And yes it is liberating. Some people say to me well when your mother dies don't you want to be there at her bedside don't you want to go to her funeral? And I say what for, heck no. Why should I be fake and go to her funeral or sit by her bedside. It is the worst kind of abuse ever is to have a narcissistic mother I think. Especially if you're the scapegoat. Thank you for your reply I hope you have a great weekend.
@@justlookalittledeeper9953 you got that right!!! Right beneath their facade of being fun and cool awaits the dagger that you will endure. It's Disgusting.
Have a good weekend.
@@kavitadeva You're spot on! I've struggled with a lot of guilt by going no contact, but it has helped me as I have come to terms with the truth that my mother has never loved me. Narcs are not capable of genuine love, and narcissistic mothers are no exception. I know now that my mother only kept the "relationship" going because of how she might benefit from me in her old age. She is very passive aggressive and has hinted much over the years about it being a child's responsibility to take care of their aging parents. Funny thing though is that she dumped me in foster care for 6 years when I was young with zero intentions on coming back for me. You reap what you sow I guess!
I have witnessed this niceness to get them on their side. The narcissist calls them the best people. But, once their usefulness is no longer needed or they start to question the narcissist decisions, they are quickly tossed under the bus.
My narcissist says “what do you mean? I’m always nice and considerate “. (NOT)
I think we are all guilty of being friendly at the beginning with humans, but the difference is agenda. Please keep your stuff, your stuff, even if you like someone. You never know!!! 💝
My narcissist’s motto when I met him was ‘think of others’ he was always helping everyone and fixing things, I thought he was so kind would help me hang out the washing do the dishes, cook.......six years later he won’t lift a finger to help me in fact he goes out of his way not to help me particularly if I ask but he still races off to help absolutely anyone else
Here’s how it works...
He developed a character of perfection. You bought into it seeing him as superior to all other men... he read your requirements and fed them to you... and you rejected all other less then perfect/human suitors.
Read this over and over again till you get it.
That’s what happened. You don’t need a mystery on that, you need truth.
A character is created and held.
On stage off stage behavior.
Your the stage. Your mind is the stage.
Them thinking about your thinking is the target.
Women fall prey to narcs, especially feminist women, due to biases against non perfect men, and cave woman desires for the alpha... but since you may be biased... you don’t know what a alpha leader/ strong man is... you stereo type, and lack nuance... so the narc sees this and give you a easy character you’ll always except.
2 things...
1- my dad did this continuously and it was disgusting to watch it work.
2- as long as your list of requirements is plastic, narcs will read your needs act flawlessly.
I caught myself liking a female narc. She was ballerina statute pretty. Blue eyes, light hair, whimsical... elegant and refined in every way... yet down to earth in a I’m happening type of way... we hit it off well. “She got it, she got me...ect.”
Btw, she dressed in a French/Japanese way, and was 100% American white girl...
She was my ideal of grounded yet elevated charm and wife material . I was sold at first site, first behaviors... and her spunky yet demure attitude when she was with others... around me she was submissive and engaging... she felt extremely safe, and softly wise...
So I began hunting for her down side... we all got one... what’s hers? She was thin... but the next rigid... she had a tight jaw... lots on anxiety and tension hiding just under everything...
She watched me too much, she got more and more perfect as she watched me... over many meetings and group events...
No doubt I wanted her, but... not at the cost of horror... so I’m double checking this perfect chick...
Long story short... I sold her on a massage, something I did part time. She offered to sleep with me during the service. I passed... she was not offended in any way... she re-measured me as deeply spiritual...
Then confessed to beating men she dates. That she rages and is disgusted and filed with unquenchable hate that thrives from within... and most of her partners let her beat them to remain in relationship with her perfectness... ect.
She then left my life. But, she also left the lives of mutual friends...
2 dudes got married. On their stay at home honey moon night, she being a sub tenant... called the police, said a guy with a gun is in the house... trying to rob a safe in the bed room... she then left and was never herd from again...
6 cops in the house now, all dark, guns drawn... bust the door where married sane sex couple is in bed... it was not a nice moment for anyone...
Those two guys then felt bad for her... and he “mistake”. No- she was jealous and punished them fir her jealousy then did a take away... by never coming back / discard.
Be aware of perfect people. Some of them are acting... others just fear disapproval or running a good game of be a great person...
You must figure out if they been trained to be great performers or are they actually evil... because ones a little insecure... that’s okay... the other is evil...
Not sleeping with evil is a pretty important skill to have btw. I rejected my perfect girl, and for the right reasons... which was what I read in body language and then investigated via my massage service and open sharing... that was my way... maybe you have yours?
Oh and I got paid 😎 when checking out my perfect girl... to some that’s a win... I lost nothing, but the illusion of her, and then the group of friends we had when she ditched some of them and others did not believe my knowledge of her... even after clear evidence presented both in crystal clear stories she confesses to me and in her death threat via cops misled by her whimpering calls for help by a armed intruder... which was obviously 🙄 retaliation for her not being married like they were...
Unpredictable to say the least...
I would say another element is people who are "Facebook nice" - good deeds or promises of good deeds are photographed and shared on social media for validation.
Yesss, it's pathetic.
Just when I feel like I'm over the abuse....memories return and I cry. Thank you Dr. Carter and thank you to the people who comment. God bless.
We have to grieve reality. And we have to grieve the parts of ourselves we poured into these people who pretended to love us, to care, but they are not capable - poor, empty, self-centered souls!
@@elainelawrence7090 your comment is 100% correct. There's definitely a grieving process. Personally I can't believe that I was duped by this person my entire life. I'm mystified at the way they managed to manipulate the situation to benefit themselves for so long. It's been almost a year since I cut ties with this person and I'm still coming to terms with it.
Tears help heal the hurt and pain. They wash it away. Go with the flow to truly heal. God bless you through this time of healing.
SUPER FACTS..Fake niceness equals no boundaries ,equals maximum exploitation..Appreciate your professionalism and attention to detail
My narcissistic fake former "friend" was so two faced, they could walk around the corner and meet themselves coming.
It's especially dangerous when the extroverted "nice" person can make everyone think the introvert is the bad guy in the relationship.
Story of my life
The most frustrating thing is watching it in real time
And other people not believing you when you tell them of the narc's behavior. Because their nastiness only comes out behind closed doors without any witnesses.
TheNikki284 .... Exactly!
The "mask" of the narcissist...
That is my sister and it makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. She is giving me the cold shoulder because I don't do what she wanted. It's not like we're kids. I'm 65 and shes 64!
Kathy Weston my sister has always done the same thing to me. I too doubted myself. At 51 I decided I’m done ! Wish I would have said that sooner!
I also have a sister like this!
Same here. I’m 72 and she is 75. Nice to win you over and get what she wants from you or your kids. Always looking for ways to benefit her. No contact for six months now. So peaceful.
I will be a genuine kind person and lay my head on my pillow at night knowing I did not miss lead anyone keep up the good work doc!
This is my mom. She has people so fooled that some of these people whom she's fooled actually have told her that they "wish she was their mom....," and I just stand by shaking my head saying to myself, "you haven't the slightest clue what you're wishing for, because she's most likely 1k times WORST than ur own mom