I think the hardest thing to take .... Well the 2 hardest: 1. That you don't trust yourself anymore 2. That everyone else keeps thinking these people are wonderful. The world loves an extroverted, confident, self serving person. They get what they want and don't care who they hurt. I just can't get over how many people miss it - my story is family. My ex was a covert....kept to himself. Avoided people. But still took control of the $, and punished me with constant silent treatment and isolation. I've seen gf with men that act like 4 year olds, are not good looking, and are not the person who you would call if you needed a flat tire changed, but these women love to take care of these men. Yuck!
They don't discard you because of how you view them, they discard you because of how they view themselves, they know your view is accurate, they discard you in an effort to hide from themselves, not from you.
This fits with something I think of often, my belief that deep down they know the truth-even as they deny it-of who I am, who I am not, and that their rejection of me is more about my refusal to play the game. They then need to start over with someone who hasn’t seen behind the mask.
@@SusanNexus Love to know how you handle this as Im in the same boat. My daughter is the narc and she has two children 5 and 9. it is getting to the point where she is influencing the 9 year old against me. Not the 5 year old yet but its only a matter of time imo.
I have seen your channel. You give goad advice as well. Please understand that a narc can discard you but circumstances make one realize that they have been discarded but the relationship needs too continue. It's a terrible way to live and requires a lot of mental strength. All too often now I find myself lapsing and being in a place I don't want to go and regretting it later.
@@robertrowlands3642 my shocking part was knowing that it was all a lie for about 13 years prior to the divorce and is still living a lie years after because he wants more from me. It is shocking the years of deceit for whatever their twisted reason is. Mine is worse because he knew I had been very damaged by others before and decided to swoop in and finish me off... Cruelty at it's best
Amen to all of these comments, the truth really does hurt. One of the only things that kept me sane through out all of these realizations is knowing that Jesus loves me and all of us, this also helps me to not hate Narcs because God loves us all.
At first you think you're saving them from themselves, then you think you are saving everyone else from them, finally you realize you have to leave to save yourself. Edit: Thank you for all the likes!
The day my ex told me he was leaving I felt the world crumbling around me and I thought the pain was too big to bear. Three days later I took him to the train station and, on my way back, I felt a rush of well being washing through me. I was crying, because I'm human and I have emotions, but it also felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
It took a good 9 months for me to get over me ex leaving. It was a very mixed experience for me, on the one hand I suddenly found myself abandoned and alone, on the other hand all the negativity left. I still had to deal with it via her lawyer and her spreading lies about me to everyone. But it was out of the house, and over the coming year I could feel myself slowly coming back to life. Of course in hindsight she did me a huge favor, I just couldn't see it at the time. We were married 28 years, and I never would have left, I felt like she was my responsibility and I didnt believe in divorce.
@@sgcsgc6974 my desperation gets me into that same situation time and time again. I'm trying extra hard this time to stay single. I suffer if I do I suffer if I don't
Thank you for sharing your story. It has been times that I felt so alone and nobody really understood how confused and emotionally draining being in a relationship with a narcissist can be. Yes the initial shock does hurt to be discarded but after the tears you can really see clearly that you deserve better and regain your physical and mental strength. WE SURVIVED!!!! LETS GET BUSY LIVING OUR BEST LIFE!!!!!
Their rejection is your Divine protection! And remember that every single thing they projected on you was exactly what THEY were doing, thinking or feeling.
Please I need help survivor, there is this narcissistic course mate who once projected that I was gay, now what he says is that am dry, this is the second time he is saying it as a compliment and he too is slim, but am kind of confused here I need clarification
@@laughoncomedy2923 Please don't place value on the opinions and words of strangers or toxic people. Value only those that care about you and most importantly, value your opinion of YOURSELF. Hope that helps.
And If a narcissist realises you're striving for your own independence, the gaslighting & the bank robberies to empty your self esteem bank account start.I'm glad I saw this tactic & kept my focus on embracing my individuality goals, which ultimately sustained me & disempowered their control over me through the dark times.
Yes, I felt like he stomped on my personhood....I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or voice or chose.. he wanted me to obey him 100% of the time in every instance basically let him walk all over me. When I got up off the floor and said no...he lost it. They cannot accept No. To him I was enemy #1. I learned he had always been my enemy never a friend.
I asked a narcissist about his wife's political beliefs. He replied that he didn't know about her beliefs, in a very snarky tone. My silent reaction was "Wow!". You don't even want to know about your wife? What an empty marriage.
My ex was more of a covert psycho. She used omission and lack of communication to control outcomes. It really worked in her favor, as I tend to be transparent and honest in relationships and require the same. She even turned her son on me, coached his lies after 9 years of raising him as my own.
Yes I couldn’t agree more. Coming from my own recent experience, the narcissist totally disengages and wobbles in their own affliction of low self esteem whenever someone ignores them. This IMO is their so called kryptonite because the narcissist thrives on people reacting to them. And they NEVER like it whenever people are being happy and enjoying life without them in the picture too ;)
During the love bombing phase, they make you feel like you're the king of the world, in the discarding phase they make you feel like you are lower than the dust. They go from constantly missing you to needing their space and having no place for you. And when they're discarding you, they will be sure to let you know how defective you are to them and how all their problems are your fault. They suck the soul out of you, taking everything and giving nothing in return
So true right now I feel like trash throw in the trash dump after all I did for my ex-husband still was there for him and being by his side and caring for his mother until her her death this year. He discard me the day of her funeral and left me wondering what I do. I call him 3 days ago he so argue at me for going on a cruise, mad at his brother, just hatefulness I know his worst habit is drugs but my God he still don't get it all. I dealt with disrespect for over 9 years after the divorce. I guess it time for me to face reality that life is better without him now that being discard by him it show me that I'm worthy and I deserve better then him.
The rapid change daily, even hour by hour, would have your head spinning. From deep committed love to you’re trash in an instant. After a few years of navigating an on and off separation with this person it always got worse not better. My perspective has matured to recognize the BS and not accept it. Their words are trivial and inaccurate representations of reality.
I went from her asking if she was the best fiance on Saturday, to her being pissed I was sitting down and leaving me on Sunday. She embarrassed me in front of all the neighbors and screamed that she's a hostage because I asked if we can be civil and talk in private.
@@yourimaginaryenemy Yes, Whitney and I would have not figured that out without the help of psychologists. Narcissists cause so much chaos and harm, but if you lack the knowledge it is impossible to see through this maze.
@@mariaawake4502 true. I was going out with a female psychopath or narcissist. She was psychopath I guess which is even worse. Turned into a hell for me.and I know another one .both are friends .
I'm married 30 years and my kids are constantly defending me. My wife treats me like her little bitch despite me consistently being the strongest earner. I even hear that I'm not a good provider. Her ego grew 10x in the past year with the purchase of a new house. This feels like the end game.
Narcissists are wiley, cunning, and manipulative. They command respect yet show little respect toward others. The discard is the best gift a narcissist can offer. When complete, the feeling of liberation from a relationship with the narcissist is exhilarating! It's a confusing time, but regaining your self-esteem is so worth it.
Trisha Brown, Now that is the truth Sister! Well put. Also, I love you means I Use you. All the love and light to you and every Survivor of this insidious disorder! ! love Team Healthy!
The narcissist in my life decided she wanted a divorce after 13 years and one gorgeous, smart daughter. I was wrecked for a short time. Then she started coming over to get her stuff and I began to see the real demon inside of her. She actually had gotten worse than when we were married. Always comparing me to other men and her mother and father's fantasy "perfect" marriage, which was total bullshit. Her mother was the demon queen. There is no way I would go back to that relationship without her receiving professional counseling. I have actually began to sleep at night and put back on the weight I lost now. I ain't going back to that hell.
@@gunsknives5395 Hello I'm glad you left her. My son is married to one also. Being married now for 8 years. When I pointed some things about her in the beginning of the relationship my son said to me don't poison my mind. Because she already had brainwashed him with all the love bombing. Now he has 2 girls with her. And I'll never forget one time we were in the car and her little girl of 3 said that she was goinng to marry her friend at day care and her mother said to her. Remember who the boss is. YOU ARE THE BOSS in a very loud and dominant voice. Very scary. She will not end well not happy with anything my son does for her. She likes to be worshiped how long is that going to last if you're not a nice person. Hope the best for my son. Because she is a demon in disguise like her mother.
Ironic that the ex and I were looking at cars to replace mine, which had bit the dust. The car was to be a 70th birthday present for me. The one I was interested in was an “Escape”. I thought that that would have been appropriate in the moment.
not always easy, after 35 years of marriage i am financially trapped, i cannot live on my own on the Social security monies i get per month so i am stuck here as my abuser's caregiver. BUT....I no longer allow or react to the feed, i do know how to stand up for myself without triggering his narcissist responses, i have my own bank account and a car that he can't get into (as he is obese) and drive away, I have a room with a computer, TV and enough crafts to keep me busy. (that he does not have access to because he can't get up the stairs), I have support outside my home and am just waiting for his failing health to give way once and for all. In short i stopped allowing myself to be a victim and took control of my self confidence and survived.
@@exploringnext1111 There is no other alternative. The biggest enemy is yourself though, your mind will try to convince you that there are other alternatives which is simply not the case. Escaping is a pain because you've got to figure out where to move, how to survive, etc.
@@toscatattertail9813 Waiting for an abuser to die is not surviving! I stayed with my mentally & physically ill foster mother as her carer for 10+ years (the best years of my life wasted) and when I walked away I risked homelessness but I had to walk away and leave. Once the relationship reaches a certain point (as is seems yours has with your husband) then there is no improvement or change and it will be a constant stalemate unless you remove the one piece you have control over on the chess board and that is yourself!!
Show them that you are happy; have no contact with them. Show them that you do not need them and you do not want them. And you don’t care how they are and you don’t want to hear from them. That is the best response. Total indifference. They need to see you don't care anymore.
I'm pretty certain that my ex is a narcissist, and she did the same as you... And I'm sure I didn't respond to my ex's lawyer in a way that she approved of either. Just sayin.
The sudden, cold discard by the covert narcissist damaged me so badly. Thought I was going to lose my mind from the sheer disbelief and heartbreak. Thank goodness for my family, friends and wonderful experts like this gentleman who have provided such insight and support with their wisdom about this truly awful personality disorder. I hope this content reaches victims early so that they can proactively leave abusive relationships before they are tossed aside like garbage. Love to all who are healing.
@@bernesemuir8022 Hi! Thanks for your kind words. I still cry a lot, and wonder why he left for someone else. It came out of the blue for me, but obviously he had known he was going to leave me for a while. It broke my heart, but could never break my soul. God has watched over me every step of the way. Thanks again for caring!!!!
1984musicman I just read your post. I also was discarded by my narcissistic boyfriend. I loved him with all my heart. He discarded me after being with me 9 years, and did it via TEXT MESSAGE! Obviously he had already lined up someone else for his supply and threw me away like a used tissue. Like you, I was in extreme disbelief at how someone who had expressed his love for me just the day before just flipped a switch the next day, and seemed to hate me. He blocked me and would not listen to anything I had to say. I have not heard from him since. That was in 2019, and it still hurts like it was just yesterday. I am in counseling for it. Thanks you again for your kind words. To anyone who happens upon this post, I pray for healing for you if you are hurting today. Reach out and get some help. God bless you all to my friends I have never even met. Peace.
My narcissist said “I don’t see any benefits I’m receiving in this relationship” the most arrogant thing I ever heard! I laughed first then realized I did my job! I stopped being his supply. The discard hurt him more than it hurt me. It was impulsive and he lost thousands of dollars. Karma!
My narc said the same thing. On one hand I hurt like hell, but also I was relieved. I figured out what he was, but didn't know how to get out safely. So, I started purposely not giving him supply. It took almost a year, but he eventually realized he needed a new supply, or it took him a year to find her, I'm not sure which. Anyway, I feel bad for the new supply, but she'd never believe me if I told her what he is. I'm the crazy ex who wants him back....LMAO!
@helplease Just yesterday I was told to get out of his way that he doesn't have to be good or nice to me when no one is here. I'm honestly stuck and he freaking knows this. I've asked why he doesn't leave and I either get no reply or "it's just not that easy to leave".. he's killing me slowly and our adult child is suffering severely and I really think my husband (child's father) loves to see us both in pain and that's what keeps him from leaving us! He's so evil and selfish. I really don't know how to get us away from him. He is so sneaky (I'm guessing but I think he has access to everything and yes likely be able to see this comment. It's freaking crazy.
Same here Kathy. Never sad out of empathy for others. They're only sad when they see their8. supply dwindling or someone who's been a supply to them sees them for what they really are. They're so sold on their own lies they seemingly believe the lie they are living! Deep down, they know the damage they have created for the very people that have cared for them the most!!! Extremely sick, damaging behavior
When the narcissist rejects and discards you, take them by the offer. They get furious though when they see you not fighting for them, so pay attention to that. They are never transparent, vulnerable or honest, so they are offended when you are. They just keep playing games. This has been my experience... Long story short, never spend rime with anyone who does not want you.
Jannie Scluter, Exactly sister! If someone is ignorant enough to walk out of my life I now understand to be smart enough to let them go! I have learned the gift of goodbye forever!
He served me w divorce papers & didn’t even warn me. Went to counseling w me to give me hope then told me I wasn’t worth it bc I’m just too horrible a person. Being discarded is so dif from breaking up. But the weird thing. He’s so so angry at me! I am the one who should be angry!! He conned me into marrying a man that is just a character he played. I haven’t seen that man since our wedding day. I don’t understand what he’s mad about..
@@Jezebel066 strangely enough, when you take a narcissist seriously then they get confused. Narcissists are like toddlers. They never evolved emotionally. Like toddlers, they act based on their emotional feelings. They cannot argue and talk. What toddler can? All they are based on is CONTROL. All things they do is about manipulating and controlling you into doing what they want you to do for them, yet they want all look like it was your idea so that accountability and responsibility falls on you. My advice, don't think of his mind. Don't try to understand an abusive person. Be respectful and do not play in the mud with the hog. The hog loves the cool mud, I bet you don't. God bless you and protect your heart and soul.
True. Thinking back if I ever made a comment on anything. It was either ‘maybe or ‘could’ be. Never was it ‘your right’. It did irritate me but as time went on it was nothing to what was ahead.
Your life, your feeling never matter. Everything I did was never good enough, I couldn't dance sing, but other people he knew he prasie them, they look better then me, dress better, nothing I did or say was good enough, never Said would happy Birthday to me wasn't worthy, but on his birthday he call me and let me know today is his Birthday! It my day my feeling never matter.
It's like when a door is shut, locked, and won't open, stop banging on it. Someday you will find out you are worth far more than whatever it is that's on the other side.
When a narcissist discards you then have a party. Be happy and move on. Don't go into or try to get a conversation with the narcissist. It doesn't bring you anything good, only more frustration. It is not worth it. We all deserve so much better.
Wow, just what I needed. The Narc husband of mine (now seperated) passed me on a little English Street as I was walking back to my new home. He was in the car. I was walking. I looked at him, he looked at me. If I hadnt had mouthed 'This is awkward' I don't know what he may have done. Anyhow, he was cold and distant. I was, sadly, heartbroken. But Hey! Good riddance! Friends, face the pain, know the feelings and top them off with lashings of thankfulness when you are free. Hallelujah!
I've been discarded and love bombed over and over so many times in the last 5 months. Like a crazy person I cried and begged and tried to make myself better for him. The last time I didn't cry, I didn't beg. I blocked all avenues of communication and even figured out how he was watching me on social media and blocked those too. Only God can heal them and destroy the demons they have inside. I pray for him every day and I am working on forgiving myself for tolerating such cruel treatment I received
Grace of our Lord never comes at the EXPENSE of ourselves and loved ones. Moving towards Freedom ( Jesus) and we lift up the person to Jesus to sort out in His time. .. that's gifting the abuser Grace. We move away being led by Jesus - away from the abuser. My lesson learnt.
right and self destruction they fear you telling someone close to them and that is why they start the smear campaign i would not want to leave in that matter
It’s fun watching them not getting their own way - the world doesn’t revolve around them.which is a big wake up call. Get out of the car when been told to “do not get out of the car” let them see the assertive strong person that you are! Kiss your privileges goodbye ✈️
When they withdraw or go silent understand it’s temporary... don’t let them back in, always keep in mind that your response to them was 100 percent correct and remind yourself the reason you chose that response ... a leopard does not change their spots .... leaving them is like opening the window on a spring day and having a breath of sweet clean air 🌸
@ Lorraine Hewlett Mine actually used that worship word about a week before discard Completely took me off guard Until this video I never knew this was a common phrase for them !
So true, lol. It's like they expect to be THE most important person in your life, even if they're not that close to you. They expect you to consider them to be more important than your own self.
Yup. It doesn’t matter “who” they are relationally. When you cease relating to them in the toxicity of fearing their absence, then you will definitely hear the proverbial “mike drop”! 😂🤣😂😂
@@katherineirvin7464 🤣🤣 you can bet you will! How dare you not put me first in your life!? Then they'll call you the toxic one... 😬🤮 run for the hills!
I remember clearly the dizzying pain that smacked me when he said he was leaving...and then, just as the door was closing behind him I absolutely physically felt at least a billion-pound weight lift effortlessly off me. I took a deep breath for the first time in nine years. In that second, somewhere, somehow the survivor in me knew....I would manage just fine. No, it hasn't been easy. Many times it's been terrifying, but I take a deep breath and take one step at a time. Be gentle with yourself, you can manage just fine... I promise 💜
doux chats, You just explained the exact way that I felt almost 5 months ago after 33 years married to a narcissist. I had no idea! . I literally felt like 10.000 pounds of weight was lifted off my shoulders. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm in the closure chapter now. Divorce is the only way. Yes mirroring self compassion and training my brain for facts is so helpful. Peace and light to you!
This is. me TODAY. I'm hurt but not really its weird. I want to cry a little but nothing comes out. I'm tired & I think knowing the truth is empowering me and making me certain I'm not wrong and hes not right. I almost feel like hes been a trap set straight from the pit of hell. Panic disorder weight loss ....its been too much fr.
That's true. I realized even more, The supply Never useless, when you know who they are They reduce using you (because you set boundaries), They still can : reuse, recircle you, you never expected how they used you or people around.
Unless you prove to them they can keep you in their line up. Nobody is a single supply for all their needs, it’s not possible. They keep you handy for when they need you again. You become less & less likely to be the “chosen one” the harder it is to make you give them what they want, when they want it. It’s almost like the stronger you are the more likely they’ll pick an easier supply before you. But you never leave the line up unless you remove yourself. By just simply refusing to give them what they want.
@@cailin5309 I agree. You can turn the tables too by making them feel that you have no further value to them so they have no need for you - they never bother you again after that. I humiliated my narc ex and gave a narc injury... not my finest moment but I know I'll never hear from him again!
'The Narcissist Song': "It's all about Meeeeee! It's all about Meeeeeee! It's all about Meeeeee, Me, Me, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It's alllllll aaaaaaaabouuuuuutttttt MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
Actually it’s a blessing in disguise the narcissist discards you (once you realize that they are toxic and unhealthy and you are healthy and normal why do you want to continue in the narcissistic abuse once you finally see it ? )
Very good statement. I think back to the dating dates of "bad dates" those "dates" are a warning. Are you fishing in a bad pond? Have a "brake" that allows you to stop continuing a relationship with a "future narc" mate.
I agree with you. I stayed for my three grandchildren. It tore me down. Now I just have to trust God with my beautiful grands. Pls pray for them. They are 5,7 and 10.
2 days ago discard mode kicked in. "I want out. Split everything 50/50. I can't deal w your stuff. I'm done". Later when I referenced him wanting a divorce, he stated, "I never said i wanted a divorce. You want a divorce? You better tell me so I can make plans!" He twists it to become the victim, and I become the crazy ungrateful wife who wants to leave. Unbelievable!!!!
When I was discarded, I wasn’t upset or sad, just confused until I talked to my mom who really understands the way a narc works. I’ve been the happiest person since my “best friend” let me go, I’ve developed the relationship with Christ I’ve always longed for & I wouldn’t go back if I was given all the money in the world! 😁 so happy now
Oh my dear to hear that your experience has led you to Christ mimicks my journey also! I just wanted to share this really brings home how all things work for "good." You warmed my heart this cold morning! Thank you. My mother introduced me to the 23rd Psalm oh so many years ago, though I know it by heart, the first line I beat into my thinking, I SHALL NOT WANT! And I do my best to run the Serinity prayer constantly. Big hugs, and we shall meet up very soon! Cant wait.
When a narcissist discards you... REJOICE! ... unless you have children with it... there could be some hideous issues. But if you have no children with the narc - REJOICE with singing and dancing, count your blessings as you speedily depart and thank God and give Him praise!
The less said the better. Remember the narcissist intentionally. Creates a scene on purpose. Simply do not engage. Into the narcissist newest stupidity childish game.
It’s so true that they don’t have ability to do real good things. All the narcissists I met in my life, some of them I had chances to looked at their lives very closely(living with them). Every single one has horrible life no matter how wealthy or how successful they are with their work. Their family life is always a huge mess, filled up with so much negative energy like anger, no trust, complain, rage, no self-esteem, sadness, restless, worrying, shame, envy, jealous, no appreciation, etc. A lot of times people will be so shocked to see it, because it’s so hard to imagine since they always try their best to put on a good mask in front of people.
In my experience they are never happy. Wealthy, poor, married, single, with or without children, with or without a dog, new homes, new jobs, new countries. Never ever happy, I lived this for 35 years and I'm over it.. The end and a belated new beginning for me...
Wow, you have been through it! Thank you for shareing! To me the scariest part was to see myself moving in that direction to just try to survive. I hated myself when I saw myself carry that brokenness into my new adventures. Its a peaceful time on life to stop, begin healing and once again be the one choseing how I interact with life. Peace my friend. And you are worth it!
@@deenalaykie5260 Narcs’ darkness will spread to us as we are close enough to them, I experienced it, it is very hard. It’s not your fault!! The fact you have bad feeling about it already says the light in you is warning you and trying to pull you out of the darkness. And thank you for your kind words, you are very precious as well!!!👍👍👍We have good support here thanks to this channel.🌼🌼🌼🍀🍀🍀
@@1ajtg , Exactly. I had 33 years of it. I had no idea what this disorder was until 5 months ago when I kicked him out. Been no contact and filing for a divorce! Doc Carter is truly a GODsend! Love, healing & light to you AJ.
@@1ajtg That's right they are never happy my son who is married to a covert Narcissist she is like this and I always tried to compansate her and she can't be nice to me. Now I know why. She turned 40 this year and I bought her a gift voucher for $150. My birthday was a few months later and not even called or message me on my birthday. I have no more respect for her. She is totally such a miserable person. I don't let her get to me anymore. Too much hard work.
I was married for 6 years. She discarded me and got into a relationship with a guy she was with when she was 15. He was “the love of her life”. So she was with him for about 6 months. Came crawling back to me apologizing saying how she made a huge mistake bla bla. Fast forward a year and a half later and she’s now in her 8th relationship Claiming the new guy “is the one” just like the previous 7 relationships before him. I realized a pattern. Once I stopped taking less than I deserved she’d be off to the next guy. I finally told her “you never say sorry for anything. U never been sympathetic to any of my needs or wants or dreams. U ain’t interested in anything I’m into unless it somehow feeds your ego. The way u can go sleep with literally whoever and not give a single once of shit how I feel”. Of course she don’t wanna hear that shit so 2 weeks later she’s in a new relationship and “he’s the one”. If I had only one word to explain what a narcissistic person is is evil. In the beginning she was so fun. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the good times we did have. I was just recently diagnosed with ptsd, depression and anxiety. They don’t love you. They are incapable of loving. They have zero sympathy. Their soul mission in life is to get their false sense of reality fed. They’ll take and never give back. They feed off the naive. They study you. They’ll use sex,money,whatever they can to real you in. They are empty heartless shells. I struggle daily knowing I gave 7 years of my life to someone like that and how stupid I’ve made myself look in front of family and friends when they were all telling me she was bat shit crazy. So I take a hour a day or so to watch these videos and others to help ease the frustration and sadness. U can’t help them. God forbid u tell them they have a issue. So all u can do is move on and say a prayer for them.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I pray you will find someone truly capable of love and that you can recover fully from the trauma. The post traumatic experience is real. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for writing this...I also had a 7 year “relationship”, and am driving away from it (for about the 8th time)...don’t let others say you are stupid for not seeing him/her for what s/he is. The view within a relationship is very different from the outside looking in.
You’re great! You sound so strong now, you even helped me with your words ! I’ve found it doesn’t matter what people say they don’t know. only we know. Blessings to you !!
Just keep on moving. This is a lesson that needs to be accepted. You said many things here that make 100% sense. What people don't understand is how you end up in these situations with these people. It all happens gradually. There's love-bombing, false hope etc. You deserve so much better!
This was so insightful. I also have to take time to research narcissism because the gaslighting was so bad I was doing it to myself because I internalized everything the narcissist in my life said to me. When I stopped actively reading about narcissism, that’s when I romanticized the good times, that’s when the trauma bond strengthened back up. So I don’t listen to those who say this research is an unhealthy obsession, although I do think it’s a hyper vigilant trauma response. I’m getting stronger, but some of the things said and done are still psychic barbs and they still hurt. Thankfully I’m no longer trying to work things out with the perpetrator. If someone acts like an adversary, they are one. This took me too long to accept because I held on to all the bs from the love bombing. I now am doing things I always wanted to, but couldn’t when I was preoccupied with all the nonsense. And even though there’s ptsd that waylays me sometimes, and bad dreams frequently, and disillusionment about relationships, I am finally good with myself, and covet my time and what I can do with it. Take care. Wishing you the best.
Being discarded and made to feel worthless is so hurtful and hard to recover from. Thank you for you insight and encouragement to strive for self worth.
Dr. C; I was just discarded once again after going no contact with my narcissistic sister (15 months now) because she wanted to talk to me about her recent health issues. Needless to say she never talked about that when I broke my no contact stance and allowed her to call me. The conversation went south again, got heated, she disrespected me, etc. My question is do you think it's okay for me to mail her a letter explaining what I was trying to over the phone but also ending the letter by telling her I am through, she has disrespected me and my family for the last time and I have blocked her from all the devices. I also wrote that if she decides to mail me a letter back, I will simply mail it back to her unopened.@@SurvivingNarcissism
Let them have that highway, but take the detour at the same time and let them know it. My Narc went to FL for the winter, I didn’t go. I stayed home with winter and peace and Dr. C’s excellent videos. It was great!! Narc couldn’t believe it. Boy bye!
When I got discarded in a big and public way, I went right up to the narc, smiled big, made some happy chat like I was delighted and left. Then I went and cried my head off in the car and felt sick for months. So I didn't handle it ALL that well. Someone kindly tipped me off thst the person was a narcissist, a word I probably had not heard since freshman psychology. Then the education began! I was sadder, but wiser. Many things I had not understood made sense. I am still learning. I hope there is not another discard ahead for me, but in case, I'll prepare to accept it with strength and grace.
It's very familiar ! Same here . Devastation wondering WTH happened to my life then you get enlightened and the puzzle starts coming together. Narcissist.
I do not look at it as a discard I look at it as being let go due to incompatibility. I've let go and have being let go. the lesson learned should be do not get attached
@@carmichaelmoritz8662 but if you never get attached to another person you never have a loving meaningful relationship. I see what your saying . Save yourself alot of heartache. I think for me i will just say " I can Live without this person " but i am going to learn to trust them over time and not rush ! Pay attention to those signs and hire a private investigator for 6 months before u even think about being serious; ) and I'm not joking .
@@HeatherDMorris never forget about compatibility though. I'm kind of like my own Pi so I agree. only problem is life is not fair and I can't have the type of relationship I need only problem is life is not fair and I can't have the type of relationship I need. I'm trying really hard this time to stay single.
I was discarded by my son and grandchildren when they believed the narcissist when she told them that I am the problem. Now I live alone, they cut off all contact with me. I did nothing but I paid the price.
My Aunt litterally kept trying to get me to worship her, other narcs in my family gladly worshiped her, I however would not, and boy was she ticked off at me!! I only worship the One and True God!! 🙏💞🕊🍃
My mother was a narcissist, and my daughter is. Mom had a drinkin buddy who'd come over, and I couldn't say one word without both of em jumpin on me, tellin me I was wrong, basically callin me a liar and an idiot, no matter what the subject was. I was baffled for years why they were such assholes; now I know why. Mom used and manipulated me like crazy all my adult lif3. I never could do enough to satisfy her. She treated me like shit. My daughter was spoiled by her, and since she's grown up she's just like my mom-a bitch. When I stopped kissin her ass she stopped pretending to love me and has shunned me. Now I understand all this. It's a shame that some people just don't know or care what love is. They're hard-hearted and without a conscience, almost psychopathic. I saw my daughter do some cruel crap, and I wondeted what the hell was wrong with her. She pretends to be a super spiritual Christian, very active and popular in her church. She talks about accepting people and God's love. She turns on the tears like turnin on a water faucet. She's such a damn good actress she belongs in Hollywood. I wonder if a narcissist like that. Is even capable of havin a relationship with God. If Jesus is in her heart then why is she so phony and hard-hearted?
I have an aunt who wanted me to worship her too. She wanted to control me. I didnt worship her and I didnt let her control me, so she projected onto me her verbal and emotional abuse. She said I abused her when it was the other way around.
I had an Aunt EXACTLY like that. Unfortunately for her - I was probably the only one in our whole family who EVER challenged her. Her kids were her flying monkey minions, it was laughable yet disgusting. However, SHE got the last laugh at my expense - she was executor to my Grandmother's will (her mother) and cut me out completely. She and HER children received everything. My Dad was already deceased and his part was to go to me according to what my Aunt had told me (lied to my face) AND my Grandmother even told me prior to her death - and yes, she had her mind. In fact, my Grandmother was open with all of us about her wishes for years. She always told us she wanted everything to be equal. My Aunt not only lied to me, she manipulated her own Mother to redo her will to write me out! How do I know?? The final will that left me nothing was dated only 2 months before my Grandmother's death! It's not so much about the money for me in and of itself - it's more about the betrayal towards me AND her own Mother!! What kind of evil goes against their own Mother's wishes and manipulates her into changing a long-standing will wishes?!? 😳 Total monsters these narcissists are. Take my cautionary tale people and watch your back and your interests VERY carefully.
"discard mode" still having constant memories of her in that mode. I put up with it for 8 months before she finished it. You nailed it. They won't just leave, they have to destroy you on the way out
When Being Discarded By A Narcisstic Person It Can Be Very Painful You Feel Humilated Not Good Enough Low Self Worrh.Low Self Esteem.Anxiety.When This Happens Never Chase Them Asking Questions Begging 2 Be Taken Back .This Is What The Narcissists Want The Discards Will Continue.This Is A Game They Play.
Being discarded (in hindsight) was actually a gift and opened my eyes to how a narcissist operates and that it's not my fault they are so misguided. I am a happier person being away from them!
Preach! After three years with him, I experienced emotional whiplash on Thanksgiving. Haven’t had any contact since then. And you are spot on about it being a gift! 💜thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I was “chosen” by such a person. They acted as though I were something greatly valued for about 2 months and then the gaslighting and the manipulation began. They were angered by my intelligence, or my outgoing personality. My ability to be at ease around others. What they once “praised” about me, they began to degrade. They were derogatory and snide in downplayed ways and then when called on it, they were suddenly just joking and I was too sensitive and couldn’t handle “jokes”. Everything I did was insignificant or dumb. The way I dressed was stupid. My haircut was not attractive, I wore too much makeup. Anything they could use to try and tear me down. I finally caught on and got rid of them. They had low self esteem and looked for people they could dominate or feel superior to, because it made them feel more relevant and larger in their own eyes. Absolute liar. Their whole life was built on their own grandeur and woe to anyone who questioned their “kingdom.” It is very difficult to build your life back after someone like that. Their influence has permeated your self worth, thoughts, and self reflections. They make you second guess everything and you spend weeks, and months trying to regain your footing. They are a devastating happening in anyones life. They cannot stand to see people have or possess what they lack and they will go after those people and do their best to destroy the attributes they wish were theirs. They make a soul quite weary of others. Very weary. Thank you for these informative videos, Dr. You probably save hundreds from a crippling fate at the hands of a narcissist.
You just wrote my story, I got out after a year, having to go no contact right now. I love him, so it's been painful. Looking forward to peace and love again,, things he almost destroyed. I thank the Lord I was delivered from evil.
Must of been a twin of my ex. Lmao. I was his girlfriend for 5 months and Hell no i am out of here. And I have been gone for 2 months and I will never go back. Ever! They are mentally and emotionally ill and until they don’t get massive help and heal whatever went wrong they will never be any good to others or even themselves
They kill your sole. There is nothing like giving your all in marriage and having a narcissist roll their eyes at you after you've just made love to them and said I love you. It's hard to describe. We deserve and require so much more..
@@ghyslainestleonce1743 Mine blatantly proclaimed "I Love You" during my initial 12 Day brain bending buffet of B1 Love Bombing... Nervousness and anxiety immediately took control and my heart raced and my body froze as my nose started to profusely bleed all over her. Frightened her mask slipped and I caught a micro expression of utter disgust, unconsciously I reciprocated with a belly full of projectile vomited Belgian ale.
After going no contact with my parents for a number of years, I was finally discarded when I received a letter from their lawyer stating I was disinherited. Woohoo, they finally realized I was never coming back.
What John Smith mentions is very important. As you have been dismissed, you will have to consider it temporary. There is a very fair chance that he / she will be back. When ever a new void will appear in his / her life that he / she knows you might be able to fill, the game will start again. And when you are not absolutely firm, you will be trapped again
Well said and exactly true. After a 2 1/2 year break from my narc they are reaching out, I set some firm conditions for a possible return to some cordial contact. That was 3 weeks ago, haven't heard back from them. So much for their half-assed act of contrition.
Sometimes they feel that they haven’t yet won and will come back for another round of winning. Maybe they see that we’re not completely the crumpled mess on the floor that they imagined we’d be, but instead thriving (how dare we!). So they want another go, and begin the charm phase. If they’re let in, sometimes they rush to the discard. When this happens and I see it, I tell them “oh, you won”. It gives them what they want and gets them off my back for a while...these are the persistent ones, the stalker types.
yes, its all about them and their needs. If you do take them back, make sure you take it as a warning of what you are dealing with and prepare yourself for either the next discard or your own exit plan.
I went through this about 7 years ago. It was quite traumatic, maybe the most frightening thing I have ever seen and financially devastating as well, but in a way it was good because it was a wake-up call for me. I realized that every relationship I have had has been with a narcissist of some degree. I always thought there was something wrong with me. It made me look at myself and why I always seemed to attach myself to these kinds of people. I know a lot more now and feel at peace. I am nearly 70 years old so I probably won't have a chance to know a real true loving relationship, but I am happy and take care of myself. Life couldn't be better.
May I ask what did you find was the reason you kept attaching yourself to a narc? I find myself doing the same so I want to know to look deeper in myself.
@@LaNeaseT7 It's kind of complicated and I wouldn't want to go into my whole life's story and it might be slightly different for everyone. But, I have learned that it usually comes from your childhood experiences - very true for me. I did have some therapy that didn't really sink in until decades later because I was partly in denial at the time and because what I was hearing seemed so foreign I had a hard time accepting it. I have learned quite a lot from Richard Grannon's videos and others like Lisa Romano who explain how you are responsible for half of the problem which can be hard to accept. It is true, though. At some point, four or five years ago, I came to the enlightenment that I am a grownup and I can protect that little girl and not let anyone hurt her again. So far it's working but it will never be easy. Just this week I stood up a man - a neighbor - who was bullying me with quite a bit of hostility including brandishing a firearm. I calmly held my ground, responded rationally and afterward praised myself for being so brave. Doesn't mean I wasn't scared and shaking inside, however. I did bring law enforcement into it. I don't know if that's going to make it better or worse. I find it pathetic that a man would bully an old lady in order to feel better about himself. I wish you all the best and hope you can find inner peace. Take care.
My husband of 17 years has no clue what kind of person I am. Especially during the last years, he read me wrong so many times. I am currently preparing to move so I go through a lot of old stuff, like his letters. It is obvious to me now that he never cared a straw about me or my feelings. It’s all about him.
@@knowbody1505 no need to be rude, it is two diferente things, you should already know about the emotional aligment woman require for every relation to function, a narc seems unable to get to know the partner even after years of intimacy and that is what she is adressing.
@@knowbody1505 Surprise, but I did! He had mental health problems and I did everything to support him. We read books together and really talked about things. Looking back, he only cared about his problems and hardly listened to anything I said. He seldom agreed when I suggested something and the few incidents that I put my foot down, well, he was sulking like a toddler. He has been cheating on me for years, because I was naive enough to trust him. The truth came out when he met a woman who is financially well off and therefore can replace me (I have a decent job).
That’s how I felt when my batshit crazy ex “got rid” of me 24 years ago. It took me a few months, but I began to heal up and I had so much fun after crazy man departed ( twice ) with much fanfare. He was and is a surgeon, and he had gotten to the point where he would get out his hunting knives and sharpening kit in front of myself and our daughter each evening. He would sharpen the knives and glare at us. He had to proclaimed himself to be a surgery God and a mage. His ideas got weirder and weirder, And he used to just stand in screaming at me for really no discernible reason. I had lost interest in him and the marriage and that was the kiss of death in his eyes. But really who wants to live with a surgery God, mage, threatener, and man who gets mad if you don’t support every strange fantasy and assertion ? His new, “lucky” wife can have him. I’m much happier!!
Yes, because they see others as tools. Love is a foreign concept to them. That's why they need to control people - to keep them around (among other things).
Thank u Dr. Carter ... i m just being rejected, discarded,”punished with silent treatment cos I dared to say my thoughts out loud... well he definately did not like it and now i must know where my place is... I must get a lesson on how i should not behave and learn the consequences... it s really painful how a person you love and respect can treat me ... i must find my worth and free myself from this
We cannot live our lives being invalidated. Literally having our thoughts, hopes, dreams, desires, plans, opinions, choices, preferences and yes, even our love invalidated. Is Narcissism cancel culture? Something is incredibly wrong with this. People always want to say you will find someone better, your best friend, your soul mate. All of that thinking just leads us to believe we are incomplete outside of a pairing. We don’t have to be alone and lonely. But we can be free. An apartment and a cat sound good to me!
@@andersm1415 they are only the “victim” over being caught out for who they are and what they’ve done by someone justifiably furious with them. They have to be in a very uncomfortable spotlight when called to account for their behavior. The victim act is just their attempt to roll over and play dead so you’ll leave the area. Then they bounce right back up on their feet and trot away uninjured as if nothing happened at all. They have no emotional attachment to lose just transactional benefits related to money, etc.
Wow, this video helped me understand what happened during the relationship. I started worshipping the true God again, and that took the focus off of the narc. He faded to the background. Only by the strength of God was I able to wake up!
Discarding you does hurt, especially when they get others on their side. Yet, that's a great time to work on yourself and learn about boundaries and your own self-worth. When they do show back up, you are more than prepared to not care.
I can relate to this. Once I'd had enough, tired of being told that I had done something wrong from a hypocrite, I started to question her to her face, and not just give in when she was critical of me. I thought this worked, as she didn't really react how I thought she would, she apologised and that was it... except it wasn't. This started a downward spiral period in our "relationship" where I became the second rate flatmate, rather than husband. "I love you" I would say, "Okay" she would reply. I'd try to give her a kiss and she'd turn her face away. She would disagree with everything I suggested, look bored when I talked, and not give an ounce of gratitude for anything I did. Everything I did was a bad idea or not worthy of her attention. She then began her long term affair, which I suspected, but couldn't prove. Don't ever ignore your gut instinct! This all went on for 5 years. It was actually a clever move for her, because I thought that I was doing something wrong, but couldn't work out what it was, and I was so busy looking after the kids and trying to get work done (though the relationship really put a strain on my productivity). It blinded me from the fact she was having an affair. She would never state that I had done something wrong anymore, or it was a lot less frequent, even if I asked her, whilst before she would point it out in an instant even without me asking. After finding out about the affair, and realising that I had been suckered in by a leech, I made my decision to divorce. She didn't like that, and tried her hardest to keep me from doing so. Threatening suicide, self harming, she even smashed my pc and physically attacked me several times. I even heard her crying as loudly as possible on a few occasions (so I could hear her from the other side of the house). Let me be clear here, I only ever saw her cry once in our 10 year relationship, immediately after finding out her father had died, but it was nothing compared to this! This was toddler got stung by a wasp and dropped their ice-cream crying! Now it's time to try and pick up the pieces, and get my life back together. I've burned a lot of bridges, and cut a lot of friendships as a consequence of this relationship.
The narc expects you to follow the script they've written for you and go along with whatever they tell you you "ought to be doing." They want total subjection.
Well I guess the best way to respond to them is not at all. It's only hard when you don't know what you're dealing with, but when know it's such a relief that they're gone.
Being discarded leave you feeling devastated, foggy, and questioning your worth. It took several of these discards to wake me up. Always thinking I was not good enough, and my response was to try harder. Finally came to reality that it was he and not me. Stuck with a situation that was impossible to win. Small children, financially tied, which I have discovered that how they tie you up. Then it becomes a waiting game, time does take care of many things, and death of the narcissist does come. Karma does show up and Freedom came for me! Thanking God I lived through his craziness and his narcissist family system, moved on and moved forward. 2 and half yrs. Post! Thanks Dr. C.❤
I did not recognize my narcissism until later in life. Looking back, discard is exactly what I did to someone. She became a “throwaway”. No day passes without thinking about that and feeling tremendous guilt and shame for past behavior. Narcissists have a hugely difficult but not impossible task to see themselves the way they really are and growing/evolving beyond the pathology of narcissism. It’s possible that if a narcissist is willing to watch Dr Carter’s videos, perhaps maybe, they will have a life altering “OMG” moment.
@@wheres_bears1378 I think it's pretty interesting how arrogant and egotistical it is for people to feel they can tell someone they're not something they acknowledge themselves to be. The faulty belief that a narcissist can never see themselves as a narcissist is problematic and inaccurate. The belief that narcissists cannot feel emotions or that they have zero empathy is problematic. I think when someone self identifies as a narcissist or a recovering narcissist and they say they seem their narcissistic ways and have felt love or empathy (etc(, they should be validated instead of invalidated. Show empathy. Give the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. Narcissists are people too. Just because they have some changes with interpersonal relationships, communication, and struggle with healing and making peace with their trauma, insecurities, (etc), doesn't mean they ALL are empty vessels ALL of the time. If a person can feel hate they can feel love. If a person can feel hurt, they can feel pleasure. If a person can feel anger, they can feel happiness. If a person us not assaulting someone (verbally or physically all through time), they're able to show empathy. Even if it's short term, inconsistent, or delayed. We need to stop dehumanizing narcissists and we also need to stop villainzing them. It's not right or humane to do so. While some people with narcissistic traits are those that hate people and commit awful crimes against others (and should be locked up), most people with narcissistic personalities are not like that. Most are suffering from their mental illness (tied to trauma) and would deal with interpersonal relationships better if they were able to heal and reprogram their unhealthy habits (which are akin to faulty self defense mechanisms). I know a narcissist who acknowledged they are a narcissist. It surprised me yet, I did not once doubt their reflection. I've known them over 20 years and they show every sign of narcissistic personality disorder (undiagnosed of course) to everyone in their life. They reflect on some shit they do that's messed up, they likely will never change (mainly because it's hard work and they're oldet), yet, they know they're messed up. And i trust their depression and self meditating behaviors (even their isolation) are results of their own suffering due to the suffering they cause others. Including themselves. It's a sad reality for them to be living with that illness. Let's give compassion and grace, from a safe distance and encourage more peoples living with narcissism to disclose who they are and how they process/-internalize THEIR life experience(s,). We can validate othes even if we don't agree or if we struggle to believe based on limited perception. Narcissists are human. Let's change the narrative that usually dehumanizes them (unjustly).
What you say is very profound. Keep your cool, don’t beg, cuss or cry, it only feeds the narcissist’s ego. They are also trying to estimate the odds of trawling you back in when they are ready. Don’t give them that. Wait for the rush of relief, because you knew this relationship was toxic just never wanted to admit it.
I’m in a narcissists junk pile! Thank God!! finally ! Doctor, when you get frustrated, assure yourself that you have made a miraculously favorable impact on my life and thousands of others.
When they discard you, you got lucky. Now you really have a chance to live your life for you. When they smear your name, you can just tell the truth and smile. The one who keeps calm with a wink, wins the day.
Was recently discarded after I yelled At him for how badly he was treating me and now I’ve been discarded by the narcissist but sadly their is this voice inside me wishing he would contact me so I can see this was all a dream.
I had a similar thought. Reasonable disagreement, or personal preferences are viewed by the narcissist as unjust selfishness on your part. This seems like an inability for self-reflection. This is the danger of arm-chair psychology, and unprofessional diagnosis. As someone who has dealt with mental illness all my life in a hyper intellectualized family culture, those suffering from mental illness spent more time diagnosing others than dealing with their own emotional and mental problems - to the point where I was always questioning myself and becoming hyper-self- reflective and immobilized.
When I was discarded for the third of fourth time, I decided to drive 36 hours across the country to a ski resort. hours one through six were rough. as soon as I left the greenery of the south east to the Browness of Texas something changed in me. The next 30 hours of driving was like a dream. it took long hours of driving through nothing to realize what I had just left, a raging hell hole of a marriage to someone so broken and so damaged that everyone was a target, with me as the most high value target of all. I was damaged, but the hours of silence calmed me, and allowed me to breath, and see/understand what had just transpired throughout the previous 12.5 years.
Stay strong & continue standing in truth.GOD loves you & will protect you...Never leave HIS counsel & His plan for your life. Best New Beginnings as you heal thru HIM... lcg
If you are dealing with a narcissist boss in the workplace... this translates into being marginalized, given less work, being written up with lies as HR processes are hijacked to abuse you, and after being tortured with the stress and kept at 2 strikes... then you either quit or are fired and then replaced with someone who is either like then and can extend their sensation of control or compliant and will provide supply directly.
Been there on more than one occasion. I think this is the worst case scenario. Because most of us need to work, the abuse in the workplace is horrific. They know you need the job, you have no power, no recourse. The humiliation is damaging as well as the economic violence of being unfairly discarded from a good paying job. I am single, female. There is no Bank of the Spouse or good ole mom and dad to fall back on. Brutal.
Same, final discard 2 months ago, he said “believe me you’re gonna say thanks to me one day” I’m 5.7 and I went from 137 lb to 105 lb, 3 years of pain, lost everything, friends, money. I have nightmares, shaking, traumatised for all the words I heard from him in 3 years. I even thought to kill myself for how much pain I have. After 2 days of the discard he was with someone else, he seems happy
The day my ex piled “most” of my belongings outside in the front yard with the cops there to take my house keys away I was devastated. After sometime passed I realized she did me a huge favor! I was granted a 4 year restraining order from the judge, she just couldn’t stay away from her supply. I’m on the mend and happier!
Well, being a Capricorn I am the most loyal person on the planet, but once I found out I was nothing but a joke to her for 4 years that loyalty flipped. I thought vengeance was the answer. I learned the hard way that is exactly what they want. It causes more drama for them which they can't live without and it also gives them the 'see, I told you he would do that.' Which is exactly what you don't want.
After a bit of healing, quite a bit, I am definitely happier. Initially, it was very, very rough. On purpose. The fact that it was intentionally rough on me helped me heal more quickly, though. Not only did it remove the rose-colored glasses, it crushed them.
Alex M love bomb, devalue, discard!! Sounds like me Ex all the way. I was sad but very delighted at the same time when he left. My god my house has never felt more peaceful.
Saying this with lots of compassion. Lisa A Romano talks on her videos about recognizing that we are actually waiting for the narcissist's permission to dump them and move forward when we just sit and wish they would leave. It is not up to they. I did that for a long time. Wish you all the best.
You have just described my last 20 yrs. Discard started 5yrs ago when my grandchild died. My supply ceased in my deep grief. It began my wakeup call...
I'm so sorry about your grandchild. Something similar is happening with me. While out of town dealing with 2 ill parents, breaking a toe and hobbling around helping my daughter with a newborn, when he started trying to bully me It was too much. I was overwhelmed and I lost it. Absolutely refused to give in to his ridiculous demand. He went no contact and when I got home, he filed for divorce. Your pain doesn't matter, only the supply.
One of your best, Dr. Carter! The discard is painful…very. But it’s really a doorway to a peaceful life even though extracting yourself from these broken individuals and rebuilding your life will not be easy. But ridding your life of their toxicity will be a blessing to your mental and physical health-and future happiness.
Register for our very first Live Webinar HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/go/webinar-managing-the-malignant-narcissist/
Hope you are doing good ,Dr Les✊✊
@@dartharyeshzilla7909 p7
Is there any other way to pay, besides paypal?
I was wondering that as well. I don’t use PayPal.
I think the hardest thing to take .... Well the 2 hardest:
1. That you don't trust yourself anymore
2. That everyone else keeps thinking these people are wonderful. The world loves an extroverted, confident, self serving person. They get what they want and don't care who they hurt. I just can't get over how many people miss it - my story is family. My ex was a covert....kept to himself. Avoided people. But still took control of the $, and punished me with constant silent treatment and isolation. I've seen gf with men that act like 4 year olds, are not good looking, and are not the person who you would call if you needed a flat tire changed, but these women love to take care of these men. Yuck!
They don't discard you because of how you view them, they discard you because of how they view themselves, they know your view is accurate, they discard you in an effort to hide from themselves, not from you.
Good point! Thankyou
spot on !!!
This is the most accurate view I've heard so far! I love 💘 the way you put it!
Well said
This fits with something I think of often, my belief that deep down they know the truth-even as they deny it-of who I am, who I am not, and that their rejection of me is more about my refusal to play the game. They then need to start over with someone who hasn’t seen behind the mask.
When a narcissist discards you, just know that they have done you a HUGE favour. Don't look back, start healing and start living.
Yes
I agree... freedom... but it gets messy when they are the parent of your grandchildren and they use them to punish you.
@@SusanNexus Love to know how you handle this as Im in the same boat. My daughter is the narc and she has two children 5 and 9. it is getting to the point where she is influencing the 9 year old against me. Not the 5 year old yet but its only a matter of time imo.
True. But easier said than done.
I have seen your channel. You give goad advice as well. Please understand that a narc can discard you but circumstances make one realize that they have been discarded but the relationship needs too continue. It's a terrible way to live and requires a lot of mental strength. All too often now I find myself lapsing and being in a place I don't want to go and regretting it later.
I’d rather adjust my life to narcissists’ absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate their disrespect. ✌️ 😇
Thank you for that profound statement. I'm using it as my mantra.
It would be a million never ending boundaries way too exhausting...self care self love has more benefits long term.
They are RUDE- rude & CRUDE ( bye!")
Well said!!
PERFECTLY SAID 🥰 💞
When the mask slips, you can’t unsee who they are. It’s painful; and I’m grateful.
It's painful and shocking to realise in an instant the woman you love has no feelings for you.
@@robertrowlands3642 my shocking part was knowing that it was all a lie for about 13 years prior to the divorce and is still living a lie years after because he wants more from me. It is shocking the years of deceit for whatever their twisted reason is. Mine is worse because he knew I had been very damaged by others before and decided to swoop in and finish me off... Cruelty at it's best
It’s hard when it’s your own kids….
@@Valentina-Steinway Also, very hard when it's your father.
Amen to all of these comments, the truth really does hurt. One of the only things that kept me sane through out all of these realizations is knowing that Jesus loves me and all of us, this also helps me to not hate Narcs because God loves us all.
At first you think you're saving them from themselves, then you think you are saving everyone else from them, finally you realize you have to leave to save yourself.
Edit: Thank you for all the likes!
Brilliant!
So true!
Dr.Les Carter is describing the situation as if he s lived with the narcissist !!
WOW! So true.
@@aminakhiyami7899 He is not only a doctor, but a survivor as well. I admire how there is zero bitterness in his approach.
To quote Maya Angelou: “When People show you who they are, believe them.”
One of the quotes a child should be taught the day they enter junior high/ middle school or earlier if they can understand it. Wish my parents had!
Believe them immediately. Don't hesitate. Get them outta your life
@@andrewsmith3257 and if they tell you " I'm a real Jerk," take their word for it
Twice I've tried to give them benefits of my doubts and gotten hurt
The day my ex told me he was leaving I felt the world crumbling around me and I thought the pain was too big to bear. Three days later I took him to the train station and, on my way back, I felt a rush of well being washing through me. I was crying, because I'm human and I have emotions, but it also felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
any relationship needs respect special relationships need respect and compatibility. incompatibility in a special relationship is the burden
@@carmichaelmoritz8662 That's true but, in my case, the burden I felt was the lack of respect along with constant scrutiny.
It took a good 9 months for me to get over me ex leaving. It was a very mixed experience for me, on the one hand I suddenly found myself abandoned and alone, on the other hand all the negativity left. I still had to deal with it via her lawyer and her spreading lies about me to everyone. But it was out of the house, and over the coming year I could feel myself slowly coming back to life. Of course in hindsight she did me a huge favor, I just couldn't see it at the time. We were married 28 years, and I never would have left, I felt like she was my responsibility and I didnt believe in divorce.
@@sgcsgc6974 my desperation gets me into that same situation time and time again. I'm trying extra hard this time to stay single. I suffer if I do I suffer if I don't
Thank you for sharing your story. It has been times that I felt so alone and nobody really understood how confused and emotionally draining being in a relationship with a narcissist can be. Yes the initial shock does hurt to be discarded but after the tears you can really see clearly that you deserve better and regain your physical and mental strength. WE SURVIVED!!!! LETS GET BUSY LIVING OUR BEST LIFE!!!!!
When a narc discards you, it's a compliment.
👏👏👏 very well said. They are saying: I can't manipulate/use you because you have boundaries and self-respect
Be relieved.
Be thankful.
Rejoice, you are safe.
You are free.
Yes!!
The truth will set you free.
Thank you just no contac..you helped me
Their rejection is your Divine protection! And remember that every single thing they projected on you was exactly what THEY were doing, thinking or feeling.
I like this.
Please I need help survivor, there is this narcissistic course mate who once projected that I was gay, now what he says is that am dry, this is the second time he is saying it as a compliment and he too is slim, but am kind of confused here I need clarification
@@laughoncomedy2923 Please don't place value on the opinions and words of strangers or toxic people. Value only those that care about you and most importantly, value your opinion of YOURSELF. Hope that helps.
@@maggiethecat1538 okay 👌 thank you 🙏 I will
@@laughoncomedy2923 I wish you Blessings and healing. 🙏🦋💞
Narcissist hate individuality because they can't control you if you are an individual. I have been discarded. I am finally free to be me!😄
And If a narcissist realises you're striving for your own independence, the gaslighting & the bank robberies to empty your self esteem bank account start.I'm glad I saw this tactic & kept my focus on embracing my individuality goals, which ultimately sustained me & disempowered their control over me through the dark times.
So resonate with this.
Yes, I felt like he stomped on my personhood....I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or voice or chose.. he wanted me to obey him 100% of the time in every instance basically let him walk all over me. When I got up off the floor and said no...he lost it. They cannot accept No. To him I was enemy #1. I learned he had always been my enemy never a friend.
Free to be me, feels really good 🤗
Good for you!! I am also an individual, which makes me a not so likeable person, oh well. These bastards are really sick, and very draining.
“They were never really interested in knowing you through and through from the inside out” Nailed it
I asked a narcissist about his wife's political beliefs. He replied that he didn't know about her beliefs, in a very snarky tone. My silent reaction was "Wow!". You don't even want to know about your wife? What an empty marriage.
Silence speaks in volumes. All a narc want is a reaction. The best response is NO REACTION. And being very happy with your life🙂
Yea that was the best advice, but its hard for a person to understand this
My ex was more of a covert psycho. She used omission and lack of communication to control outcomes. It really worked in her favor, as I tend to be transparent and honest in relationships and require the same. She even turned her son on me, coached his lies after 9 years of raising him as my own.
@@hlengiwemasondo2858 this is true. But with time the inevitable will happen because a person will get tired and get a clue.....TO LEAVE🙂
Yes I couldn’t agree more. Coming from my own recent experience, the narcissist totally disengages and wobbles in their own affliction of low self esteem whenever someone ignores them. This IMO is their so called kryptonite because the narcissist thrives on people reacting to them. And they NEVER like it whenever people are being happy and enjoying life without them in the picture too ;)
Too late for me, I gave a angry reaction.
Discard: and the trash takes itself out. Isn’t that great? Lol.
I prefer to call discard "blessing" instead.
It's a problem that takes care of itself.
You people are freaking hilarious , thank you
You have no idea how much I needed to read that
"Thete"s a person on the run ... they are armed and suicidal!"
:"ok".
During the love bombing phase, they make you feel like you're the king of the world, in the discarding phase they make you feel like you are lower than the dust. They go from constantly missing you to needing their space and having no place for you. And when they're discarding you, they will be sure to let you know how defective you are to them and how all their problems are your fault. They suck the soul out of you, taking everything and giving nothing in return
So true right now I feel like trash throw in the trash dump after all I did for my ex-husband still was there for him and being by his side and caring for his mother until her her death this year. He discard me the day of her funeral and left me wondering what I do. I call him 3 days ago he so argue at me for going on a cruise, mad at his brother, just hatefulness I know his worst habit is drugs but my God he still don't get it all. I dealt with disrespect for over 9 years after the divorce. I guess it time for me to face reality that life is better without him now that being discard by him it show me that I'm worthy and I deserve better then him.
Exactly haahha
accuracy on point
The rapid change daily, even hour by hour, would have your head spinning. From deep committed love to you’re trash in an instant. After a few years of navigating an on and off separation with this person it always got worse not better. My perspective has matured to recognize the BS and not accept it. Their words are trivial and inaccurate representations of reality.
I went from her asking if she was the best fiance on Saturday, to her being pissed I was sitting down and leaving me on Sunday. She embarrassed me in front of all the neighbors and screamed that she's a hostage because I asked if we can be civil and talk in private.
Move on and never contact them again.
Ignore until death.
Unfortunately I have to co parent
Absolutely!!!
The way the narcissist sees his/her spouse is so degrading .
Exactly. Subhuman. Merely an extension of themselves, used purely for supply and keeping up appearances.
@@yourimaginaryenemy Yes, Whitney and I would have not figured that out without the help of psychologists. Narcissists cause so much chaos and harm, but if you lack the knowledge it is impossible to see through this maze.
@@mariaawake4502 true. I was going out with a female psychopath or narcissist. She was psychopath I guess which is even worse. Turned into a hell for me.and I know another one .both are friends .
@@yourimaginaryenemy they need constant supply. That's why they hook up pretty easy. Unbelievable
I'm married 30 years and my kids are constantly defending me. My wife treats me like her little bitch despite me consistently being the strongest earner. I even hear that I'm not a good provider. Her ego grew 10x in the past year with the purchase of a new house. This feels like the end game.
Narcissists are wiley, cunning, and manipulative. They command respect yet show little respect toward others. The discard is the best gift a narcissist can offer. When complete, the feeling of liberation from a relationship with the narcissist is exhilarating! It's a confusing time, but regaining your self-esteem is so worth it.
This
Repeat after me: "You don't define me."
Trisha Brown, Now that is the truth Sister! Well put.
Also, I love you means I Use you. All the love and light to you and every Survivor of this insidious disorder! ! love Team Healthy!
The narcissist in my life decided she wanted a divorce after 13 years and one gorgeous, smart daughter. I was wrecked for a short time. Then she started coming over to get her stuff and I began to see the real demon inside of her. She actually had gotten worse than when we were married. Always comparing me to other men and her mother and father's fantasy "perfect" marriage, which was total bullshit. Her mother was the demon queen. There is no way I would go back to that relationship without her receiving professional counseling. I have actually began to sleep at night and put back on the weight I lost now. I ain't going back to that hell.
@@gunsknives5395 Hello I'm glad you left her. My son is married to one also. Being married now for 8 years. When I pointed some things about her in the beginning of the relationship my son said to me don't poison my mind. Because she already had brainwashed him with all the love bombing. Now he has 2 girls with her. And I'll never forget one time we were in the car and her little girl of 3 said that she was goinng to marry her friend at day care and her mother said to her. Remember who the boss is. YOU ARE THE BOSS in a very loud and dominant voice. Very scary. She will not end well not happy with anything my son does for her. She likes to be worshiped how long is that going to last if you're not a nice person. Hope the best for my son. Because she is a demon in disguise like her mother.
@@gunsknives5395 good for u
2 words.. walk away!! 1 word.. leave!! Another word.. escape!!
Ironic that the ex and I were looking at cars to replace mine, which had bit the dust. The car was to be a 70th birthday present for me. The one I was interested in was an “Escape”. I thought that that would have been appropriate in the moment.
Last word: AMEN!!
not always easy, after 35 years of marriage i am financially trapped, i cannot live on my own on the Social security monies i get per month so i am stuck here as my abuser's caregiver. BUT....I no longer allow or react to the feed, i do know how to stand up for myself without triggering his narcissist responses, i have my own bank account and a car that he can't get into (as he is obese) and drive away, I have a room with a computer, TV and enough crafts to keep me busy. (that he does not have access to because he can't get up the stairs), I have support outside my home and am just waiting for his failing health to give way once and for all. In short i stopped allowing myself to be a victim and took control of my self confidence and survived.
@@exploringnext1111 There is no other alternative. The biggest enemy is yourself though, your mind will try to convince you that there are other alternatives which is simply not the case.
Escaping is a pain because you've got to figure out where to move, how to survive, etc.
@@toscatattertail9813 Waiting for an abuser to die is not surviving! I stayed with my mentally & physically ill foster mother as her carer for 10+ years (the best years of my life wasted) and when I walked away I risked homelessness but I had to walk away and leave. Once the relationship reaches a certain point (as is seems yours has with your husband) then there is no improvement or change and it will be a constant stalemate unless you remove the one piece you have control over on the chess board and that is yourself!!
Show them that you are happy; have no
contact with them. Show them that you do not need them and you do not want them. And you don’t care how they are and you don’t want to hear from them. That is the best response. Total indifference. They need to see you don't care anymore.
Beware, because when they see you blossom all by yourself, they may try to hover ...or worse
Better still don’t show them anything? ❤
I dumped HIM. Now all I say to him is - actually I don’t speak to him at all. My lawyer does.
I'm pretty certain that my ex is a narcissist, and she did the same as you... And I'm sure I didn't respond to my ex's lawyer in a way that she approved of either. Just sayin.
Well said girl!!!!
Don't let it drag on, that is a common thing for them. You Go Girl!
That is a great idea.
Good for you! I did, too. Expect a long drawn out divorce
The sudden, cold discard by the covert narcissist damaged me so badly. Thought I was going to lose my mind from the sheer disbelief and heartbreak. Thank goodness for my family, friends and wonderful experts like this gentleman who have provided such insight and support with their wisdom about this truly awful personality disorder. I hope this content reaches victims early so that they can proactively leave abusive relationships before they are tossed aside like garbage. Love to all who are healing.
love to you too
the same thing happened to me. Mine discarded me for new supply. I was devastated.
@@lisabrown6280 how are you doing now Lisa I see your comment was 3 weeks ago
U are not alone here❤
@@bernesemuir8022 Hi! Thanks for your kind words. I still cry a lot, and wonder why he left for someone else. It came out of the blue for me, but obviously he had known he was going to leave me for a while. It broke my heart, but could never break my soul. God has watched over me every step of the way. Thanks again for caring!!!!
1984musicman I just read your post. I also was discarded by my narcissistic boyfriend. I loved him with all my heart. He discarded me after being with me 9 years, and did it via TEXT MESSAGE! Obviously he had already lined up someone else for his supply and threw me away like a used tissue. Like you, I was in extreme disbelief at how someone who had expressed his love for me just the day before just flipped a switch the next day, and seemed to hate me. He blocked me and would not listen to anything I had to say. I have not heard from him since. That was in 2019, and it still hurts like it was just yesterday. I am in counseling for it. Thanks you again for your kind words. To anyone who happens upon this post, I pray for healing for you if you are hurting today. Reach out and get some help. God bless you all to my friends I have never even met. Peace.
My narcissist said “I don’t see any benefits I’m receiving in this relationship” the most arrogant thing I ever heard! I laughed first then realized I did my job! I stopped being his supply. The discard hurt him more than it hurt me. It was impulsive and he lost thousands of dollars. Karma!
No benefits in this relationship. Tolerating an asshole is more of a benefit to them than you.
My narc said the same thing. On one hand I hurt like hell, but also I was relieved. I figured out what he was, but didn't know how to get out safely. So, I started purposely not giving him supply. It took almost a year, but he eventually realized he needed a new supply, or it took him a year to find her, I'm not sure which. Anyway, I feel bad for the new supply, but she'd never believe me if I told her what he is. I'm the crazy ex who wants him back....LMAO!
Mine said that it was useless to be my friend when I was starting to realize I was their supply. Semantics are important!
@helplease
Just yesterday I was told to get out of his way that he doesn't have to be good or nice to me when no one is here. I'm honestly stuck and he freaking knows this. I've asked why he doesn't leave and I either get no reply or "it's just not that easy to leave".. he's killing me slowly and our adult child is suffering severely and I really think my husband (child's father) loves to see us both in pain and that's what keeps him from leaving us! He's so evil and selfish. I really don't know how to get us away from him. He is so sneaky (I'm guessing but I think he has access to everything and yes likely be able to see this comment. It's freaking crazy.
@@hana-ok8ed same here
When the discard happens, their tears over the loss of the “relationship” is really just tears over THEIR loss of the BEST supply they ever had!
Exactly. Dr. C
Same here Kathy. Never sad out of empathy for others. They're only sad when they see their8. supply dwindling or someone who's been a supply to them sees them for what they really are. They're so sold on their own lies they seemingly believe the lie they are living! Deep down, they know the damage they have created for the very people that have cared for them the most!!!
Extremely sick, damaging behavior
he can cry a whole sea of tears cause he lost one gpood woman, i dont need him
@@sjwillis1137 😂
Do they care though?... if they had they would not have behaved this way.
When the narcissist rejects and discards you, take them by the offer. They get furious though when they see you not fighting for them, so pay attention to that. They are never transparent, vulnerable or honest, so they are offended when you are. They just keep playing games.
This has been my experience...
Long story short, never spend rime with anyone who does not want you.
Same here.
Mine was angry I WAS fighting for us.
Jannie Scluter, Exactly sister! If someone is ignorant enough to walk out of my life I now understand to be smart enough to let them go!
I have learned the gift of goodbye forever!
He served me w divorce papers & didn’t even warn me. Went to counseling w me to give me hope then told me I wasn’t worth it bc I’m just too horrible a person. Being discarded is so dif from breaking up. But the weird thing. He’s so so angry at me! I am the one who should be angry!! He conned me into marrying a man that is just a character he played. I haven’t seen that man since our wedding day. I don’t understand what he’s mad about..
@@Jezebel066 strangely enough, when you take a narcissist seriously then they get confused. Narcissists are like toddlers. They never evolved emotionally. Like toddlers, they act based on their emotional feelings. They cannot argue and talk. What toddler can? All they are based on is CONTROL. All things they do is about manipulating and controlling you into doing what they want you to do for them, yet they want all look like it was your idea so that accountability and responsibility falls on you.
My advice, don't think of his mind. Don't try to understand an abusive person. Be respectful and do not play in the mud with the hog. The hog loves the cool mud, I bet you don't. God bless you and protect your heart and soul.
They are ALWAYS right about EVERYTHING. & your thoughts, feelings, needs, simply do not matter.
True. Thinking back if I ever made a comment on anything. It was either ‘maybe or ‘could’ be. Never was it ‘your right’. It did irritate me but as time went on it was nothing to what was ahead.
Being righteous and right are two different things! Being righteous is following God's law! Being "right" but really wrong, is following the devil!
Yes that so true
Your life, your feeling never matter. Everything I did was never good enough, I couldn't dance sing, but other people he knew he prasie them, they look better then me, dress better, nothing I did or say was good enough, never Said would happy Birthday to me wasn't worthy, but on his birthday he call me and let me know today is his Birthday! It my day my feeling never matter.
It's like when a door is shut, locked, and won't open, stop banging on it. Someday you will find out you are worth far more than whatever it is that's on the other side.
Great analogy ... Love this !!! 👍🏼💯😊
Wow. So right.
💔
When a narcissist discards you then have a party.
Be happy and move on.
Don't go into or try to get a conversation with the narcissist.
It doesn't bring you anything good, only more frustration.
It is not worth it.
We all deserve so much better.
Preach! It may not seem so at first but a narc discarding you is a ticket out of hell.
Wow, just what I needed. The Narc husband of mine (now seperated) passed me on a little English Street as I was walking back to my new home. He was in the car. I was walking. I looked at him, he looked at me. If I hadnt had mouthed 'This is awkward' I don't know what he may have done. Anyhow, he was cold and distant. I was, sadly, heartbroken. But Hey! Good riddance! Friends, face the pain, know the feelings and top them off with lashings of thankfulness when you are free. Hallelujah!
@@diane8939 Preach!
good advice! I was discarded for new supply. It sure did break my heart, and I just could not believe it.
True, it's really tiring talking to a narcissist.
I've been discarded and love bombed over and over so many times in the last 5 months. Like a crazy person I cried and begged and tried to make myself better for him.
The last time I didn't cry, I didn't beg. I blocked all avenues of communication and even figured out how he was watching me on social media and blocked those too.
Only God can heal them and destroy the demons they have inside.
I pray for him every day and I am working on forgiving myself for tolerating such cruel treatment I received
Alicia Curtsinger,You are beautiful,you don't need a narcissist in your life.....
Grace of our Lord never comes at the EXPENSE of ourselves and loved ones. Moving towards Freedom ( Jesus) and we lift up the person to Jesus to sort out in His time. .. that's gifting the abuser Grace. We move away being led by Jesus - away from the abuser. My lesson learnt.
God bless you Sis. Stay the course and remember demons have the appetite of hell itself.
Stay the course. But God has walked away from these individuals
Thank you James armstrong, your sweet encouraging words really help me make it through each day
You forgot that narcissists are addicted to privileges.
right and self destruction they fear you telling someone close to them and that is why they start the smear campaign i would not want to leave in that matter
It’s fun watching them not getting their own way - the world doesn’t revolve around them.which is a big wake up call. Get out of the car when been told to “do not get out of the car” let them see the assertive strong person that you are! Kiss your privileges goodbye ✈️
Whew! That’s right!!
Yeah.
Omg! So true. Always want the free ride and never earn anything on their own.
When they withdraw or go silent understand it’s temporary... don’t let them back in, always keep in mind that your response to them was 100 percent correct and remind yourself the reason you chose that response ... a leopard does not change their spots .... leaving them is like opening the window on a spring day and having a breath of sweet clean air 🌸
My ex did that. He did not utter one word to me in 10 days..
Truer words never spoken! 🤙👊💪☝️👍
I don't know if mine is temporary I contacted the other woman and went into his phone
such an accurate description
Mine has been doing the silent treatment and financial pressure for a month now. Today I said it’s over. I feel lighter already!
I laughed out loud when you said re: the narcissist , “How dare you not worship me!” It is SO true about the narcissist’s expectations. You nailed it.
@ Lorraine Hewlett
Mine actually used that worship word about a week before discard
Completely took me off guard
Until this video I never knew this was a common phrase for them !
So true, lol. It's like they expect to be THE most important person in your life, even if they're not that close to you. They expect you to consider them to be more important than your own self.
Yup. It doesn’t matter “who” they are relationally. When you cease relating to them in the toxicity of fearing their absence, then you will definitely hear the proverbial “mike drop”! 😂🤣😂😂
@@katherineirvin7464 🤣🤣 you can bet you will! How dare you not put me first in your life!? Then they'll call you the toxic one... 😬🤮 run for the hills!
I remember clearly the dizzying pain that smacked me when he said he was leaving...and then, just as the door was closing behind him I absolutely physically felt at least a billion-pound weight lift effortlessly off me. I took a deep breath for the first time in nine years. In that second, somewhere, somehow the survivor in me knew....I would manage just fine. No, it hasn't been easy. Many times it's been terrifying, but I take a deep breath and take one step at a time. Be gentle with yourself, you can manage just fine... I promise 💜
Thank you. Your comment means a lot to me.
doux chats, You just explained the exact way that I felt almost 5 months ago after 33 years married to a narcissist. I had no idea! . I literally felt like 10.000 pounds of weight was lifted off my shoulders. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm in the closure chapter now. Divorce is the only way. Yes mirroring self compassion and training my brain for facts is so helpful. Peace and light to you!
This is. me TODAY. I'm hurt but not really its weird. I want to cry a little but nothing comes out. I'm tired & I think knowing the truth is empowering me and making me certain I'm not wrong and hes not right. I almost feel like hes been a trap set straight from the pit of hell. Panic disorder weight loss ....its been too much fr.
Thank you
Same here; I danced around and felt happy. Theyre a HUGE burden on your heart.
You’ve got something they want, and when they’ve had it you become useless
That's true.
I realized even more,
The supply Never useless, when you know who they are They reduce using you (because you set boundaries),
They still can : reuse, recircle you, you never expected how they used you or people around.
Unless you prove to them they can keep you in their line up. Nobody is a single supply for all their needs, it’s not possible. They keep you handy for when they need you again. You become less & less likely to be the “chosen one” the harder it is to make you give them what they want, when they want it. It’s almost like the stronger you are the more likely they’ll pick an easier supply before you. But you never leave the line up unless you remove yourself. By just simply refusing to give them what they want.
@@cailin5309 I agree. You can turn the tables too by making them feel that you have no further value to them so they have no need for you - they never bother you again after that. I humiliated my narc ex and gave a narc injury... not my finest moment but I know I'll never hear from him again!
When you don’t want to give them what they want from you, they become hateful. So ugly.
When they know you have figured them out, they devalue you-trying to make you weak and needy of them.
'The Narcissist Song':
"It's all about Meeeeee!
It's all about Meeeeeee!
It's all about Meeeeee, Me, Me, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
It's alllllll aaaaaaaabouuuuuutttttt MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
BRAVO!!!
Hahahaha - you wrote a perfect song!
Please add “Forget about you, you, you” to your lyrics.
@@lme4404 Excellent add sir!
"It's all about you when things are bad."
Actually it’s a blessing in disguise the narcissist discards you (once you realize that they are toxic and unhealthy and you are healthy and normal why do you want to continue in the narcissistic abuse once you finally see it ? )
Very good statement. I think back to the dating dates of "bad dates" those "dates" are a warning. Are you fishing in a bad pond? Have a "brake" that allows you to stop continuing a relationship with a "future narc" mate.
I agree with you. I stayed for my three grandchildren. It tore me down. Now I just have to trust God with my beautiful grands. Pls pray for them. They are 5,7 and 10.
@@dianesmith5898 💥🙏💥🍀
Yes, the fool that I married ended up putting himself in prison, blaming a crime on someone else, perverting the course of justice
So true. It’s just hard to accept that they are really so evil and you have loved them for so many years. We need to accept it… but it’s hard.
2 days ago discard mode kicked in. "I want out. Split everything 50/50. I can't deal w your stuff. I'm done". Later when I referenced him wanting a divorce, he stated, "I never said i wanted a divorce. You want a divorce? You better tell me so I can make plans!" He twists it to become the victim,
and I become the crazy ungrateful wife who wants to leave. Unbelievable!!!!
Yeah, the nerve of these people is something to be awestruck by, lol.
Never tell the narc your plans.
When I was discarded, I wasn’t upset or sad, just confused until I talked to my mom who really understands the way a narc works. I’ve been the happiest person since my “best friend” let me go, I’ve developed the relationship with Christ I’ve always longed for & I wouldn’t go back if I was given all the money in the world! 😁 so happy now
Amanda Strickland,I admire your lovely smile!
Oh my dear to hear that your experience has led you to Christ mimicks my journey also! I just wanted to share this really brings home how all things work for "good."
You warmed my heart this cold morning! Thank you. My mother introduced me to the 23rd Psalm oh so many years ago, though I know it by heart, the first line I beat into my thinking, I SHALL NOT WANT! And I do my best to run the Serinity prayer constantly. Big hugs, and we shall meet up very soon! Cant wait.
Amanda Strickland,you don't deserve to be with a narc 😈!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 none of us do!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 J
When a narcissist discards you... REJOICE! ... unless you have children with it... there could be some hideous issues. But if you have no children with the narc - REJOICE with singing and dancing, count your blessings as you speedily depart and thank God and give Him praise!
My response to an abrupt discard via text (not her first) was "Sounds good".
Discard? A gift.
The less said
the better.
Remember
the narcissist
intentionally.
Creates a scene
on purpose.
Simply do not
engage. Into
the narcissist
newest stupidity
childish game.
Good advice, thank you.
He discarded me yesterday and am glad he did . Glad I dodged the bullet. Now I go silent
Let him assume it was his idea!
@@SurvivingNarcissism😂 so much easier this way! 🎉
It’s so true that they don’t have ability to do real good things. All the narcissists I met in my life, some of them I had chances to looked at their lives very closely(living with them). Every single one has horrible life no matter how wealthy or how successful they are with their work. Their family life is always a huge mess, filled up with so much negative energy like anger, no trust, complain, rage, no self-esteem, sadness, restless, worrying, shame, envy, jealous, no appreciation, etc. A lot of times people will be so shocked to see it, because it’s so hard to imagine since they always try their best to put on a good mask in front of people.
In my experience they are never happy. Wealthy, poor, married, single, with or without children, with or without a dog, new homes, new jobs, new countries. Never ever happy, I lived this for 35 years and I'm over it.. The end and a belated new beginning for me...
Wow, you have been through it! Thank you for shareing! To me the scariest part was to see myself moving in that direction to just try to survive. I hated myself when I saw myself carry that brokenness into my new adventures.
Its a peaceful time on life to stop, begin healing and once again be the one choseing how I interact with life. Peace my friend. And you are worth it!
@@deenalaykie5260 Narcs’ darkness will spread to us as we are close enough to them, I experienced it, it is very hard. It’s not your fault!! The fact you have bad feeling about it already says the light in you is warning you and trying to pull you out of the darkness. And thank you for your kind words, you are very precious as well!!!👍👍👍We have good support here thanks to this channel.🌼🌼🌼🍀🍀🍀
@@1ajtg , Exactly. I had 33 years of it. I had no idea what this disorder was until 5 months ago when I kicked him out. Been no contact and filing for a divorce! Doc Carter is truly a GODsend! Love, healing & light to you AJ.
@@1ajtg That's right they are never happy my son who is married to a covert Narcissist she is like this and I always tried to compansate her and she can't be nice to me. Now I know why. She turned 40 this year and I bought her a gift voucher for $150. My birthday was a few months later and not even called or message me on my birthday. I have no more respect for her. She is totally such a miserable person.
I don't let her get to me anymore. Too much hard work.
I was married for 6 years. She discarded me and got into a relationship with a guy she was with when she was 15. He was “the love of her life”. So she was with him for about 6 months. Came crawling back to me apologizing saying how she made a huge mistake bla bla. Fast forward a year and a half later and she’s now in her 8th relationship Claiming the new guy “is the one” just like the previous 7 relationships before him. I realized a pattern. Once I stopped taking less than I deserved she’d be off to the next guy. I finally told her “you never say sorry for anything. U never been sympathetic to any of my needs or wants or dreams. U ain’t interested in anything I’m into unless it somehow feeds your ego. The way u can go sleep with literally whoever and not give a single once of shit how I feel”. Of course she don’t wanna hear that shit so 2 weeks later she’s in a new relationship and “he’s the one”. If I had only one word to explain what a narcissistic person is is evil. In the beginning she was so fun. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the good times we did have. I was just recently diagnosed with ptsd, depression and anxiety.
They don’t love you. They are incapable of loving. They have zero sympathy. Their soul mission in life is to get their false sense of reality fed. They’ll take and never give back. They feed off the naive. They study you. They’ll use sex,money,whatever they can to real you in. They are empty heartless shells. I struggle daily knowing I gave 7 years of my life to someone like that and how stupid I’ve made myself look in front of family and friends when they were all telling me she was bat shit crazy. So I take a hour a day or so to watch these videos and others to help ease the frustration and sadness. U can’t help them. God forbid u tell them they have a issue. So all u can do is move on and say a prayer for them.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I pray you will find someone truly capable of love and that you can recover fully from the trauma. The post traumatic experience is real. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for writing this...I also had a 7 year “relationship”, and am driving away from it (for about the 8th time)...don’t let others say you are stupid for not seeing him/her for what s/he is. The view within a relationship is very different from the outside looking in.
You’re great! You sound so strong now, you even helped me with your words ! I’ve found it doesn’t matter what people say they don’t know. only we know.
Blessings to you !!
Just keep on moving. This is a lesson that needs to be accepted. You said many things here that make 100% sense. What people don't understand is how you end up in these situations with these people. It all happens gradually. There's love-bombing, false hope etc. You deserve so much better!
This was so insightful. I also have to take time to research narcissism because the gaslighting was so bad I was doing it to myself because I internalized everything the narcissist in my life said to me. When I stopped actively reading about narcissism, that’s when I romanticized the good times, that’s when the trauma bond strengthened back up. So I don’t listen to those who say this research is an unhealthy obsession, although I do think it’s a hyper vigilant trauma response. I’m getting stronger, but some of the things said and done are still psychic barbs and they still hurt. Thankfully I’m no longer trying to work things out with the perpetrator. If someone acts like an adversary, they are one. This took me too long to accept because I held on to all the bs from the love bombing. I now am doing things I always wanted to, but couldn’t when I was preoccupied with all the nonsense. And even though there’s ptsd that waylays me sometimes, and bad dreams frequently, and disillusionment about relationships, I am finally good with myself, and covet my time and what I can do with it. Take care. Wishing you the best.
Being discarded and made to feel worthless is so hurtful and hard to recover from. Thank you for you insight and encouragement to strive for self worth.
Please watch the video, Recovering Your Worth After Leaving A Narcissist. It's one of my favorites. Dr. C
Oh my goodness don’t strive, believe in yourself every day ❤️
Dr. C; I was just discarded once again after going no contact with my narcissistic sister (15 months now) because she wanted to talk to me about her recent health issues. Needless to say she never talked about that when I broke my no contact stance and allowed her to call me. The conversation went south again, got heated, she disrespected me, etc. My question is do you think it's okay for me to mail her a letter explaining what I was trying to over the phone but also ending the letter by telling her I am through, she has disrespected me and my family for the last time and I have blocked her from all the devices. I also wrote that if she decides to mail me a letter back, I will simply mail it back to her unopened.@@SurvivingNarcissism
They try to make you feel so insignificant in your life. It is always their way or the highway.
Let them have that highway, but take the detour at the same time and let them know it. My Narc went to FL for the winter, I didn’t go. I stayed home with winter and peace and Dr. C’s excellent videos. It was great!! Narc couldn’t believe it. Boy bye!
Darla Holiday,your lovely smile can make the news!
Darla Holiday, hope you are not with a narc 😈!
Godvsaved us
How many times they use the phrase, "If you'd just listen to me for once, you'd do right!"
When I got discarded in a big and public way, I went right up to the narc, smiled big, made some happy chat like I was delighted and left. Then I went and cried my head off in the car and felt sick for months. So I didn't handle it ALL that well. Someone kindly tipped me off thst the person was a narcissist, a word I probably had not heard since freshman psychology. Then the education began! I was sadder, but wiser. Many things I had not understood made sense. I am still learning. I hope there is not another discard ahead for me, but in case, I'll prepare to accept it with strength and grace.
It's very familiar ! Same here . Devastation wondering WTH happened to my life then you get enlightened and the puzzle starts coming together. Narcissist.
I do not look at it as a discard I look at it as being let go due to incompatibility. I've let go and have being let go. the lesson learned should be do not get attached
@@carmichaelmoritz8662 but if you never get attached to another person you never have a loving meaningful relationship. I see what your saying . Save yourself alot of heartache. I think for me i will just say " I can Live without this person " but i am going to learn to trust them over time and not rush ! Pay attention to those signs and hire a private investigator for 6 months before u even think about being serious; ) and I'm not joking .
@@HeatherDMorris never forget about compatibility though. I'm kind of like my own Pi so I agree. only problem is life is not fair and I can't have the type of relationship I need only problem is life is not fair and I can't have the type of relationship I need. I'm trying really hard this time to stay single.
@@HeatherDMorris people are either one way or the other way and it's hard to find compatibility
I was discarded by my son and grandchildren when they believed the narcissist when she told them that I am the problem. Now I live alone, they cut off all contact with me. I did nothing but I paid the price.
Wisely choose to discard the narcissist. You'll feel better.
@KK L W details? Haha.
My Aunt litterally kept trying to get me to worship her, other narcs in my family gladly worshiped her, I however would not, and boy was she ticked off at me!! I only worship the One and True God!! 🙏💞🕊🍃
My mother was a narcissist, and my daughter is. Mom had a drinkin buddy who'd come over, and I couldn't say one word without both of em jumpin on me, tellin me I was wrong, basically callin me a liar and an idiot, no matter what the subject was. I was baffled for years why they were such assholes; now I know why. Mom used and manipulated me like crazy all my adult lif3. I never could do enough to satisfy her. She treated me like shit. My daughter was spoiled by her, and since she's grown up she's just like my mom-a bitch. When I stopped kissin her ass she stopped pretending to love me and has shunned me. Now I understand all this. It's a shame that some people just don't know or care what love is. They're hard-hearted and without a conscience, almost psychopathic. I saw my daughter do some cruel crap, and I wondeted what the hell was wrong with her. She pretends to be a super spiritual Christian, very active and popular in her church. She talks about accepting people and God's love. She turns on the tears like turnin on a water faucet. She's such a damn good actress she belongs in Hollywood. I wonder if a narcissist like that. Is even capable of havin a relationship with God. If Jesus is in her heart then why is she so phony and hard-hearted?
@@wondergranny2299 I can totally relate with you on this... pretty much what I'm experiencing as well. Love to you ❤☮
I have an aunt who wanted me to worship her too. She wanted to control me. I didnt worship her and I didnt let her control me, so she projected onto me her verbal and emotional abuse. She said I abused her when it was the other way around.
@@CS-dw4kw I believe you. Narcs twist things around. They will tell us we did to them, what in fact, they did to us..!🤒
I had an Aunt EXACTLY like that. Unfortunately for her - I was probably the only one in our whole family who EVER challenged her. Her kids were her flying monkey minions, it was laughable yet disgusting. However, SHE got the last laugh at my expense - she was executor to my Grandmother's will (her mother) and cut me out completely. She and HER children received everything. My Dad was already deceased and his part was to go to me according to what my Aunt had told me (lied to my face) AND my Grandmother even told me prior to her death - and yes, she had her mind. In fact, my Grandmother was open with all of us about her wishes for years. She always told us she wanted everything to be equal. My Aunt not only lied to me, she manipulated her own Mother to redo her will to write me out! How do I know?? The final will that left me nothing was dated only 2 months before my Grandmother's death!
It's not so much about the money for me in and of itself - it's more about the betrayal towards me AND her own Mother!! What kind of evil goes against their own Mother's wishes and manipulates her into changing a long-standing will wishes?!? 😳 Total monsters these narcissists are. Take my cautionary tale people and watch your back and your interests VERY carefully.
"discard mode" still having constant memories of her in that mode. I put up with it for 8 months before she finished it. You nailed it. They won't just leave, they have to destroy you on the way out
When Being Discarded By A Narcisstic Person It Can Be Very Painful You Feel Humilated Not Good Enough Low Self Worrh.Low Self Esteem.Anxiety.When This Happens Never Chase Them Asking Questions Begging 2 Be Taken Back .This Is What The Narcissists Want The Discards Will Continue.This Is A Game They Play.
Exactly! My xhusband was actually shocked when I didn't play his game and proceeded with the divorce he initiated.
So true!!
too late😔
This is exactly what happened to me.
Being discarded (in hindsight) was actually a gift and opened my eyes to how a narcissist operates and that it's not my fault they are so misguided. I am a happier person being away from them!
Preach! After three years with him, I experienced emotional whiplash on Thanksgiving. Haven’t had any contact since then. And you are spot on about it being a gift! 💜thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Leah Thomas, you look stunning!
Leah Thomas,you don't deserve to be with a narc 😈!
I was “chosen” by such a person. They acted as though I were something greatly valued for about 2 months and then the gaslighting and the manipulation began. They were angered by my intelligence, or my outgoing personality. My ability to be at ease around others. What they once “praised” about me, they began to degrade. They were derogatory and snide in downplayed ways and then when called on it, they were suddenly just joking and I was too sensitive and couldn’t handle “jokes”. Everything I did was insignificant or dumb. The way I dressed was stupid. My haircut was not attractive, I wore too much makeup. Anything they could use to try and tear me down. I finally caught on and got rid of them. They had low self esteem and looked for people they could dominate or feel superior to, because it made them feel more relevant and larger in their own eyes. Absolute liar. Their whole life was built on their own grandeur and woe to anyone who questioned their “kingdom.” It is very difficult to build your life back after someone like that. Their influence has permeated your self worth, thoughts, and self reflections. They make you second guess everything and you spend weeks, and months trying to regain your footing. They are a devastating happening in anyones life. They cannot stand to see people have or possess what they lack and they will go after those people and do their best to destroy the attributes they wish were theirs. They make a soul quite weary of others. Very weary. Thank you for these informative videos, Dr. You probably save hundreds from a crippling fate at the hands of a narcissist.
You just wrote my story, I got out after a year, having to go no contact right now. I love him, so it's been painful. Looking forward to peace and love again,, things he almost destroyed. I thank the Lord I was delivered from evil.
Must of been a twin of my ex. Lmao. I was his girlfriend for 5 months and Hell no i am out of here. And I have been gone for 2 months and I will never go back. Ever! They are mentally and emotionally ill and until they don’t get massive help and heal whatever went wrong they will never be any good to others or even themselves
Mixed emotions ....but you do have your life back ✋
They kill your sole. There is nothing like giving your all in marriage and having a narcissist roll their eyes at you after you've just made love to them and said I love you. It's hard to describe. We deserve and require so much more..
When you have to tell someone to be affection with you, there's an issue. The ex-bf couldn't do it & Idk why 'til after we broke up.
A narcissiste can never say I love you first and they can't love anyone
@@ghyslainestleonce1743 Mine blatantly proclaimed "I Love You" during my initial 12 Day brain bending buffet of B1 Love Bombing... Nervousness and anxiety immediately took control and my heart raced and my body froze as my nose started to profusely bleed all over her.
Frightened her mask slipped and I caught a micro expression of utter disgust, unconsciously I reciprocated with a belly full of projectile vomited Belgian ale.
Yours made love? Mine only had sex, there was never love making. No foreplay, just go for the gold and get it over with.
OMG the eye rolling. I experienced that too.
Addicted to lying. Addicting to upsetting someone....makes them feel good.
After going no contact with my parents for a number of years, I was finally discarded when I received a letter from their lawyer stating I was disinherited. Woohoo, they finally realized I was never coming back.
What John Smith mentions is very important. As you have been dismissed, you will have to consider it temporary. There is a very fair chance that he / she will be back. When ever a new void will appear in his / her life that he / she knows you might be able to fill, the game will start again. And when you are not absolutely firm, you will be trapped again
Well said and exactly true. After a 2 1/2 year break from my narc they are reaching out, I set some firm conditions for a possible return to some cordial contact. That was 3 weeks ago, haven't heard back from them. So much for their half-assed act of contrition.
That’s why you go no contact and cut all connections permanently.
Do not fall for the hoover
no way of that happening ,no is all the answers hes going to get have had enough shit from this monster.
Sometimes they feel that they haven’t yet won and will come back for another round of winning. Maybe they see that we’re not completely the crumpled mess on the floor that they imagined we’d be, but instead thriving (how dare we!). So they want another go, and begin the charm phase. If they’re let in, sometimes they rush to the discard. When this happens and I see it, I tell them “oh, you won”. It gives them what they want and gets them off my back for a while...these are the persistent ones, the stalker types.
yes, its all about them and their needs. If you do take them back, make sure you take it as a warning of what you are dealing with and prepare yourself for either the next discard or your own exit plan.
That rejection though.... it ripped open my childhood wounds, my abusive ex wounds... fucking ouch
@@LadyLux11 same, you do all you can go above and beyond. How are you doing now?
@mattb4461 thank you for asking! I'm doing so much better.
I went through this about 7 years ago. It was quite traumatic, maybe the most frightening thing I have ever seen and financially devastating as well, but in a way it was good because it was a wake-up call for me. I realized that every relationship I have had has been with a narcissist of some degree. I always thought there was something wrong with me. It made me look at myself and why I always seemed to attach myself to these kinds of people. I know a lot more now and feel at peace. I am nearly 70 years old so I probably won't have a chance to know a real true loving relationship, but I am happy and take care of myself. Life couldn't be better.
I am 65 and with a man 71 after my discard. Happier than I’ve ever been. Love can happen at any age…. But it is good that you’re OK with just you.
May I ask what did you find was the reason you kept attaching yourself to a narc? I find myself doing the same so I want to know to look deeper in myself.
@@LaNeaseT7 It's kind of complicated and I wouldn't want to go into my whole life's story and it might be slightly different for everyone. But, I have learned that it usually comes from your childhood experiences - very true for me. I did have some therapy that didn't really sink in until decades later because I was partly in denial at the time and because what I was hearing seemed so foreign I had a hard time accepting it.
I have learned quite a lot from Richard Grannon's videos and others like Lisa Romano who explain how you are responsible for half of the problem which can be hard to accept. It is true, though.
At some point, four or five years ago, I came to the enlightenment that I am a grownup and I can protect that little girl and not let anyone hurt her again. So far it's working but it will never be easy. Just this week I stood up a man - a neighbor - who was bullying me with quite a bit of hostility including brandishing a firearm. I calmly held my ground, responded rationally and afterward praised myself for being so brave. Doesn't mean I wasn't scared and shaking inside, however. I did bring law enforcement into it. I don't know if that's going to make it better or worse. I find it pathetic that a man would bully an old lady in order to feel better about himself.
I wish you all the best and hope you can find inner peace. Take care.
@@karinchristensen220 Thank you so much for that. I wish you the best as well.
age is not the issue, healing loving yourself moving forward in life, anything is possible if you are committed to you
My husband of 17 years has no clue what kind of person I am. Especially during the last years, he read me wrong so many times. I am currently preparing to move so I go through a lot of old stuff, like his letters. It is obvious to me now that he never cared a straw about me or my feelings. It’s all about him.
Men can't read your mind. If you refuse to communicate your feelings to him matutely don't be surprised that he doesn't "read" you.
When we were divorcing, I kept thinking, "Did you even meet me?!!" He never bothered to know who I was.
@@knowbody1505 no need to be rude, it is two diferente things, you should already know about the emotional aligment woman require for every relation to function, a narc seems unable to get to know the partner even after years of intimacy and that is what she is adressing.
His loss
@@knowbody1505 Surprise, but I did! He had mental health problems and I did everything to support him. We read books together and really talked about things. Looking back, he only cared about his problems and hardly listened to anything I said. He seldom agreed when I suggested something and the few incidents that I put my foot down, well, he was sulking like a toddler. He has been cheating on me for years, because I was naive enough to trust him. The truth came out when he met a woman who is financially well off and therefore can replace me (I have a decent job).
For 26 years I suffered at the hands of a narcissist husband. Now, I promised myself that I WILL be true to myself First!
How did u arrive to that?? My narcissist husband just left about a week and a half ago and I’m really struggling without him
Say thank you and suppress the desire to dance around the room and laugh with glee?
My thought exactly! 😄
Wow ... such wisdom 💖💖💖
Worlbesht
That’s how I felt when my batshit crazy ex “got rid” of me 24 years ago. It took me a few months, but I began to heal up and I had so much fun after crazy man departed ( twice ) with much fanfare. He was and is a surgeon, and he had gotten to the point where he would get out his hunting knives and sharpening kit in front of myself and our daughter each evening. He would sharpen the knives and glare at us. He had to proclaimed himself to be a surgery God and a mage. His ideas got weirder and weirder, And he used to just stand in screaming at me for really no discernible reason. I had lost interest in him and the marriage and that was the kiss of death in his eyes. But really who wants to live with a surgery God, mage, threatener, and man who gets mad if you don’t support every strange fantasy and assertion ? His new, “lucky” wife can have him. I’m much happier!!
👍👍👍😃😃😃
Only look back to see how far you’ve come 🌸
Oh yeah
Yes 👍
Yes, because they see others as tools. Love is a foreign concept to them. That's why they need to control people - to keep them around (among other things).
This is gold! Thank you 🙏
😃👍🏼
When you're discarded thank your lucky stars.
If they show you signs of being discarded believe them, because you don’t matter to them anymore! That’s a blessing that is not disguised.....
You never really mattered to them, it's all about them. Very sick bastards!!!
Thank u Dr. Carter ... i m just being rejected, discarded,”punished with silent treatment cos I dared to say my thoughts out loud... well he definately did not like it and now i must know where my place is... I must get a lesson on how i should not behave and learn the consequences...
it s really painful how a person you love and respect can treat me ...
i must find my worth and free myself from this
We cannot live our lives being invalidated. Literally having our thoughts, hopes, dreams, desires, plans, opinions, choices, preferences and yes, even our love invalidated. Is Narcissism cancel culture? Something is incredibly wrong with this. People always want to say you will find someone better, your best friend, your soul mate. All of that thinking just leads us to believe we are incomplete outside of a pairing. We don’t have to be alone and lonely. But we can be free. An apartment and a cat sound good to me!
Totally right on !!!!!!!!!
@@TheQueensWish Thank you for your comment. “ incomplete outside of a pairing “. You got me thinking.
Absolutely! I’ve just been jilted after five years and dared be angry at the situation. Somehow they’re suddenly the victim!
@@andersm1415 they are only the “victim” over being caught out for who they are and what they’ve done by someone justifiably furious with them. They have to be in a very uncomfortable spotlight when called to account for their behavior. The victim act is just their attempt to roll over and play dead so you’ll leave the area. Then they bounce right back up on their feet and trot away uninjured as if nothing happened at all. They have no emotional attachment to lose just transactional benefits related to money, etc.
Wow, this video helped me understand what happened during the relationship. I started worshipping the true God again, and that took the focus off of the narc. He faded to the background. Only by the strength of God was I able to wake up!
I love going through the comments. You all deserve so much more and it is time to write a chapter. Just like Dr Les said.
Discarding you does hurt, especially when they get others on their side. Yet, that's a great time to work on yourself and learn about boundaries and your own self-worth. When they do show back up, you are more than prepared to not care.
I can relate to this. Once I'd had enough, tired of being told that I had done something wrong from a hypocrite, I started to question her to her face, and not just give in when she was critical of me. I thought this worked, as she didn't really react how I thought she would, she apologised and that was it... except it wasn't. This started a downward spiral period in our "relationship" where I became the second rate flatmate, rather than husband. "I love you" I would say, "Okay" she would reply. I'd try to give her a kiss and she'd turn her face away. She would disagree with everything I suggested, look bored when I talked, and not give an ounce of gratitude for anything I did. Everything I did was a bad idea or not worthy of her attention. She then began her long term affair, which I suspected, but couldn't prove. Don't ever ignore your gut instinct!
This all went on for 5 years. It was actually a clever move for her, because I thought that I was doing something wrong, but couldn't work out what it was, and I was so busy looking after the kids and trying to get work done (though the relationship really put a strain on my productivity). It blinded me from the fact she was having an affair. She would never state that I had done something wrong anymore, or it was a lot less frequent, even if I asked her, whilst before she would point it out in an instant even without me asking.
After finding out about the affair, and realising that I had been suckered in by a leech, I made my decision to divorce. She didn't like that, and tried her hardest to keep me from doing so. Threatening suicide, self harming, she even smashed my pc and physically attacked me several times. I even heard her crying as loudly as possible on a few occasions (so I could hear her from the other side of the house). Let me be clear here, I only ever saw her cry once in our 10 year relationship, immediately after finding out her father had died, but it was nothing compared to this! This was toddler got stung by a wasp and dropped their ice-cream crying!
Now it's time to try and pick up the pieces, and get my life back together. I've burned a lot of bridges, and cut a lot of friendships as a consequence of this relationship.
Wow at least you got your sanity left
The narc expects you to follow the script they've written for you and go along with whatever they tell you you "ought to be doing." They want total subjection.
Sorry wrong # lol
Well I guess the best way to respond to them is not at all. It's only hard when you don't know what you're dealing with, but when know it's such a relief that they're gone.
Being discarded leave you feeling devastated, foggy, and questioning your worth. It took several of these discards to wake me up. Always thinking I was not good enough, and my response was to try harder. Finally came to reality that it was he and not me.
Stuck with a situation that was impossible to win. Small children, financially tied, which I have discovered that how they tie you up. Then it becomes a waiting game, time does take care of many things, and death of the narcissist does come. Karma does show up and Freedom came for me! Thanking God I lived through his craziness and his narcissist family system, moved on and moved forward. 2 and half yrs. Post! Thanks Dr. C.❤
I did not recognize my narcissism until later in life. Looking back, discard is exactly what I did to someone. She became a “throwaway”. No day passes without thinking about that and feeling tremendous guilt and shame for past behavior. Narcissists have a hugely difficult but not impossible task to see themselves the way they really are and growing/evolving beyond the pathology of narcissism. It’s possible that if a narcissist is willing to watch Dr Carter’s videos, perhaps maybe, they will have a life altering “OMG” moment.
I applaud your willingness to self evaluate and make changes. 👏
The fact that you have the ability to be introspective signifies that your not a narcissist
I have serious doubt about that happening!
I’m 24 and just realized that I’m one as well , so I’m starting to work on myself , do you have any tips ?
@@wheres_bears1378 I think it's pretty interesting how arrogant and egotistical it is for people to feel they can tell someone they're not something they acknowledge themselves to be.
The faulty belief that a narcissist can never see themselves as a narcissist is problematic and inaccurate.
The belief that narcissists cannot feel emotions or that they have zero empathy is problematic.
I think when someone self identifies as a narcissist or a recovering narcissist and they say they seem their narcissistic ways and have felt love or empathy (etc(, they should be validated instead of invalidated.
Show empathy.
Give the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. Narcissists are people too. Just because they have some changes with interpersonal relationships, communication, and struggle with healing and making peace with their trauma, insecurities, (etc), doesn't mean they ALL are empty vessels ALL of the time.
If a person can feel hate they can feel love. If a person can feel hurt, they can feel pleasure. If a person can feel anger, they can feel happiness.
If a person us not assaulting someone (verbally or physically all through time), they're able to show empathy. Even if it's short term, inconsistent, or delayed.
We need to stop dehumanizing narcissists and we also need to stop villainzing them. It's not right or humane to do so.
While some people with narcissistic traits are those that hate people and commit awful crimes against others (and should be locked up), most people with narcissistic personalities are not like that.
Most are suffering from their mental illness (tied to trauma) and would deal with interpersonal relationships better if they were able to heal and reprogram their unhealthy habits (which are akin to faulty self defense mechanisms).
I know a narcissist who acknowledged they are a narcissist. It surprised me yet, I did not once doubt their reflection. I've known them over 20 years and they show every sign of narcissistic personality disorder (undiagnosed of course) to everyone in their life. They reflect on some shit they do that's messed up, they likely will never change (mainly because it's hard work and they're oldet), yet, they know they're messed up. And i trust their depression and self meditating behaviors (even their isolation) are results of their own suffering due to the suffering they cause others. Including themselves.
It's a sad reality for them to be living with that illness. Let's give compassion and grace, from a safe distance and encourage more peoples living with narcissism to disclose who they are and how they process/-internalize THEIR life experience(s,).
We can validate othes even if we don't agree or if we struggle to believe based on limited perception.
Narcissists are human. Let's change the narrative that usually dehumanizes them (unjustly).
Smile and have dignity ❤️
What you say is very profound. Keep your cool, don’t beg, cuss or cry, it only feeds the narcissist’s ego. They are also trying to estimate the odds of trawling you back in when they are ready. Don’t give them that. Wait for the rush of relief, because you knew this relationship was toxic just never wanted to admit it.
Just say ‘thankyou’. And live your best life without their drama and chaos!
I’m in a narcissists junk pile! Thank God!! finally ! Doctor, when you get frustrated, assure yourself that you have made a miraculously favorable impact on my life and thousands of others.
One man's junk is another man's treasure!
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your joy with us! Enjoy your new life!
I like being on that junk pile! 😂
When they discard you, you got lucky. Now you really have a chance to live your life for you. When they smear your name, you can just tell the truth and smile. The one who keeps calm with a wink, wins the day.
Was recently discarded after I yelled At him for how badly he was treating me and now I’ve been discarded by the narcissist but sadly their is this voice inside me wishing he would contact me so I can see this was all a dream.
The narcissist accuses you of being one. Alcoholism doesn't help.
I had a similar thought. Reasonable disagreement, or personal preferences are viewed by the narcissist as unjust selfishness on your part. This seems like an inability for self-reflection. This is the danger of arm-chair psychology, and unprofessional diagnosis. As someone who has dealt with mental illness all my life in a hyper intellectualized family culture, those suffering from mental illness spent more time diagnosing others than dealing with their own emotional and mental problems - to the point where I was always questioning myself and becoming hyper-self- reflective and immobilized.
I stayed around for 15 years for my grandchildren. Had to let that go. Pls pray for my grands.
Praying Diane
When I was discarded for the third of fourth time, I decided to drive 36 hours across the country to a ski resort. hours one through six were rough. as soon as I left the greenery of the south east to the Browness of Texas something changed in me. The next 30 hours of driving was like a dream. it took long hours of driving through nothing to realize what I had just left, a raging hell hole of a marriage to someone so broken and so damaged that everyone was a target, with me as the most high value target of all. I was damaged, but the hours of silence calmed me, and allowed me to breath, and see/understand what had just transpired throughout the previous 12.5 years.
Stay strong & continue standing in truth.GOD loves you & will protect you...Never leave HIS counsel & His plan for your life. Best New Beginnings as you heal thru HIM... lcg
If you are dealing with a narcissist boss in the workplace... this translates into being marginalized, given less work, being written up with lies as HR processes are hijacked to abuse you, and after being tortured with the stress and kept at 2 strikes... then you either quit or are fired and then replaced with someone who is either like then and can extend their sensation of control or compliant and will provide supply directly.
They can be SO dangerous in the workplace. It's scary.
This is a topic I have long believed needs to be spotlighted.
Been there on more than one occasion. I think this is the worst case scenario. Because most of us need to work, the abuse in the workplace is horrific. They know you need the job, you have no power, no recourse. The humiliation is damaging as well as the economic violence of being unfairly discarded from a good paying job. I am single, female. There is no Bank of the Spouse or good ole mom and dad to fall back on. Brutal.
Spot on
if they can go a day discarding you, you SHOULD go for a lifetime
It is a blessing when the narcissist discards you.
When i was discarded, he even said that I'd thank him one day. Although painful, due to the damage they cause..it was the BEST thing he ever did.
Same, final discard 2 months ago, he said “believe me you’re gonna say thanks to me one day”
I’m 5.7 and I went from 137 lb to 105 lb, 3 years of pain, lost everything, friends, money. I have nightmares, shaking, traumatised for all the words I heard from him in 3 years. I even thought to kill myself for how much pain I have. After 2 days of the discard he was with someone else, he seems happy
The day my ex piled “most” of my belongings outside in the front yard with the cops there to take my house keys away I was devastated. After sometime passed I realized she did me a huge favor! I was granted a 4 year restraining order from the judge, she just couldn’t stay away from her supply. I’m on the mend and happier!
My God, you are handsome
@@arnelevans6779 sure is..
The best response is thank you and then you move on with your life.
it's my belief that one would be happy once a narcissist discards them
Well, being a Capricorn I am the most loyal person on the planet, but once I found out I was nothing but a joke to her for 4 years that loyalty flipped. I thought vengeance was the answer. I learned the hard way that is exactly what they want. It causes more drama for them which they can't live without and it also gives them the 'see, I told you he would do that.' Which is exactly what you don't want.
After a bit of healing, quite a bit, I am definitely happier. Initially, it was very, very rough. On purpose. The fact that it was intentionally rough on me helped me heal more quickly, though. Not only did it remove the rose-colored glasses, it crushed them.
Carmichael:
Lucky you- Written as though youve never been trauma bonded...
Yes but no. No one likes to be abandoned and for those with abandonment issues this hurts even more.
Ideally...not always the case. Some people suffer depression and walk a long road to recovery
I wish all the narcs in my life would discard me and blow away
Lovebomb, devalue, discard. If they haven’t already, it’s coming. Be prepared, they take something with them at your expense.
Alex M you’re not kidding!
I wish there was a magic wand in existence somewhere in the world to make all of them vanish for good! For the world's sake...
Alex M love bomb, devalue, discard!! Sounds like me Ex all the way. I was sad but very delighted at the same time when he left. My god my house has never felt more peaceful.
Saying this with lots of compassion. Lisa A Romano talks on her videos about recognizing that we are actually waiting for the narcissist's permission to dump them and move forward when we just sit and wish they would leave. It is not up to they. I did that for a long time. Wish you all the best.
Best thing ever to be discarded by a narcissist. I hope mine had forgotten me forever. I want the freedom.
You have just described my last 20 yrs. Discard started 5yrs ago when my grandchild died. My supply ceased in my deep grief. It began my wakeup call...
I'm so sorry about your grandchild.
Something similar is happening with me. While out of town dealing with 2 ill parents, breaking a toe and hobbling around helping my daughter with a newborn, when he started trying to bully me It was too much. I was overwhelmed and I lost it. Absolutely refused to give in to his ridiculous demand. He went no contact and when I got home, he filed for divorce. Your pain doesn't matter, only the supply.
"you don't GET IT, do you" I got that all the time, as I laughed.
I get what you're saying! Dr. C
Gloria Pratt, hope you are not with a narcissist!
Gloria pratt,I admire your lovely smile 😊!
😂😂😂😂 I can RELATE
One of your best, Dr. Carter! The discard is painful…very. But it’s really a doorway to a peaceful life even though extracting yourself from these broken individuals and rebuilding your life will not be easy. But ridding your life of their toxicity will be a blessing to your mental and physical health-and future happiness.
You get it! Dr. C