Wife Will Not Budget
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- Опубликовано: 27 авг 2014
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He said she was a stay at home mom. She’s NOT a stay at home mom. She’s a stay at Starbucks, stay in Target, etc mom.
Good point
It is possible that they do have much higher expenditures with children and he is unrealistic. I means she can cook beans and rice but would he like her to serve that all the time, or is he into giving generous BBQ's and inviatations and is astonished that wife needs a budget to make impressive dinners ?
Or the wife is not really satisfied with being a SAHM, so she compensates with spending.
DR is not asking for household income, car payments, utilities, did they get a larger home because they have 3 kids now ? Is there any costly private school / childcare / play groups etc. that they both agree they want to have for the kis. - If the wife has a car, too has it to be a brand new one (because he OR she or both wouldn't be caught dead with a used car, even if it does the job just fine).
What car is HE driving ?
$2.5k-3k per month on general shopping?!! that is ridiculous!! Dave completely missed the ball on this one... wow
heck that's what my wife's been doing and we don't even have kids... I finally had to make a written budget and set a monthly spending limit for us... she gets a weekly spending allowance and I do pretty much all the grocery shopping now
Ryan Cook glad you found something that worked for you guys!
yeah, it just sucks because I hate grocery shopping LOL
Ryan Cook why put up with that. She doesnt respect your money, so she doesnt respect you.
@@drunclecookie216 2 years later... How did it work out ?
Sounds to me like the woman is spending a ton and doesn't want to stop/see how much she's really spending which is why she's arguing/getting defensive.
Or a man that wants to be seen owning a decent house (with 3 children now) and 2 nice ! cars parked in front of it. And he wants to keep up with a certain standard of living, incl. how the wife cooks and how the house is furnished and he likes her to be nicely dressed and well groomed.
But he is VERY surprised that that costs money. And more money now that they have children. They used to be able to pay down 80k - was that when she still had a paid job and no children and maybe they did not live in _that_ house yet ?
You would be surprised how many dudes have NO clue about a realistic budget for the style of living and home cooking they expect to have.
If they have never RUN their own household with home cooked meals etc, there is no realistic expectation how much groceries can cost (plus the other things like detergent, towels, diapers, shoe cream, ....)
First mom is doing it all, then he may be at college and not be good with money or cooking (and eating a lot of takeout or ramen, that's not an orderly household either). Then he lives with gf and she takes over (which may or may not be a well ordered affair).
But he never gets to the point where HE grasps how much you spend on groceries and the needs of living according to what his family can and wants to afford (that can be from frugal cooking to lavish: Frugal would mean rice beans, potatoes and cabbage. Not many fruits they cost more, you get fibre and vitamins from cheap veggies. you may make a cake here and there - but if the recipe contains nuts or cranberries or chocolate it is not for you. - all for eating at home, mind you).
a)
wife may not be willing to downsize (you can cook very simple, not buying sweets and treats, make everything from scratch, no soft drinks, hardly any alcohol in the house and of course if it is pizza it is homemade (and cheese and sausages cost money too, so not much of that and more veggies on the pizza). A home brewed cup of coffee as a luxury.
b) man wants her to cook in style and expects her to step up if they have guests for dinner of BBQ but can't fathom you need a higher grocery budget for that.
She should appreciate her husband being responsible and thinking about THEIR future.
should she starved their children ?
@aleksandrac9335 if he’s making all of the money, she shouldn’t spend any of it on things the household doesn’t need without getting his input. If she wants to spend freely without him having any say, she can get a job and go on that shopping spree with her own money
$2500 to $3000 of shopping every month?? 😯
Maybe she knows she has a spending problem and is getting defensive when he tries to confront her with it. it's the same way with alcoholics or anyone else who has a problem with something - they get super defensive when someone calls it to their attention.
Your full of it Dave. She feels bullied because she doesnt like what shes hearing. She cant handle the truth!
ADULTS devise a plan, CHILDREN do what feels good!
if you're not feeling uncomfortable, if your level of comfort is more important to you than your health and wealth, then you're not growing as a person.
well sir your wife might as well be a 5 year old, this is ridiculous.
I’m a women. I know there’s two sides of the story, but I feel bad sometimes when men call in. It sounds like the wife is spending due to emotions rather then being and adult and planning. 🤪
That’s how I feel about my wife’s behavior. It seems it’s a compulsive, compensating thing.
His wife is a selfish child.
laurel jade its weird, when i had no control over money making decisions in my marriage, i spent way too much(i felt awful) and we fought about it + debt and no savings. it took a life changing event of a stupid decision of my husbands for me to feel sick and tired of living paycheck to paycheck. so i had a long talk with him that i needed to do all the budgeting and that i would be 100% in control. he agreed and gave me a chance. i paid 3 debts off in 2 months and started a savings.! i feel when im in control , i wont spend stupid. i dont know how or why it works, but it does. for me.
laurel jade
my ex wife was like that. NEVER AGAIN! Stay single
@zadose haha than I'm a major idiot 😂😂 Zadose, that's easier said than done!
I dont think this is the guys fault, he is actually trying, it's his wife that is not meeting him half way.
i am having the same exact issue with my wife
I had this exact issue with my ex. Tried for 28 years. After he took a 401k loan for 45k behind my back, I was done. 9 months of counseling yielded nothing but biweekly copays. As Dave says - the flip was switched and there was no coming back for me.
Same with me she wont budget and says we have no money (she does the checkbook) Just showed her the finances and we have almost $700 left over every month. I cant win
@@jschrager23 welcome to the club!
John Giovanni Robert DiRocco are you delusional? No wonder you have no money left when she does the work. How about you taking some responsibility and stop blaming her for your failed life.
She could just be manipulating him.
"Only a nurse" says volumes about this person.
I went and met with a marriage counseling 15 years into our marriage and it was great! We learned how to communicate effectively with each other. Right on target Diamond Dave!
at least he manages to make a budget. my husband won't even help
If she is spending $2500 a month I am 100% with the husband. This isn't a communication problem, it's a spending problem.
We had the same struggle. I got a part time job. It helps me to feel involved when I am also bringing money in.
I'm new to these Dave Ramsey videos. Does Dave ever hold the wife accountable?
Rarely
If he does, he’s REAL careful to explain that the husband has to treat her with kid gloves. It’s pathetic.
When the husband is at fault, he rips him a new one without a thought.
Typical white knight, gynocentric to the core.
My husband will not write out a budget with me. There are other problems in our marriage also. He has his bills written on a homemade calender that is on the fridge. He says he doesn't need to write out a budget cuz he knows what the bills are. He has asked me for help with the bills. I told him until he is willing to write out a budget and stick with it I will not be helping with more bills. Is that the right things to do or not? We have went to counseling and he continues to apply and get denied for more loans to help "get us out of debt."
Never!
Rarely. She has to be Satan incarnate before he gets aggressive with the women when it's a husband wife conflict
Dave kills me with this .
Always the mans fault
I'm so glad I stumbled upon this video. I'm floored by how compassionate you were with the caller. The parallels between the "symptoms" he described to ones in my own marriage piqued my interest in the hope of finally finding "the answer" for this situation.
From experience, I can confirm that trying to carry all of the financial-planning burden can do far more harm than good - even with the best of intentions. I have found that the more I was willing to swallow my pride and ask for help; the more my spouse was involved in the conversation - and genuinely felt as though her vote mattered - the more she took an active role in the process and the responsibility for her personal spending.
"Manning-up" and trying to sort it all out yourself is, in my experience, destined to fail. As is the essence of marriage itself, marital finances function most healthily when part of a partnership between two people in open dialogue.
I see Dave lean on men, but again the woman gets a pass. Can we ever say the woman is acting irresponsibly like a teenage girl and needs to grow up? We (and Dave) can repeatedly say that a man is acting like a boy!
What’s your advice, then? If he tries to force his wife into adopting a budget she didn’t buy into, she’ll end up sneaking money away and telling all his friends and family that he’s abusing her. Like it or not, you have to make someone like this believe their new behaviors are their own idea (or for their own good). She doesn’t see how her spending is a problem. A third party arbitrating the conversation is the only thing that might help.
Agree! The woman always gets a pass, and is being bullied without any indication that she is being bullied. Unless, feeling offended every time you don't get your $3,000 general shopping category can pass as being bullied, then I guess she is being bullied. If a guy had been doing that, he would have said, "tell your husband to br a man"
He needs to take over the finances and put her on a weekly allowance. Man Up.
It's very easy to spend money you DID NOT work for...
She just doesnt wamna get cut off the gravy train....
Happy Wife happy life is B.S Happy Couple Happy Life.
My wife has a touch bipolar. One of the symptoms is spending money hand over fist. Pills can't handle every thing.
i disagree with Dave. It seems like she is just childish and wants to spend and not change her habits. There are women out there who are just that spoilt !
She doesnt seem to care how stressed or pressured he is by all this. If she was, she would committ herself to less spending.
From what i hear, the only way for him to get a change, is to step up and put his foot down.
Agree. His advice sucks on this call.
If only she can apreciate the value of money...may be if she is working...oh wait, she is not.
5/16/19....#1) Man is the only one working & brings in good salary---enough to pay the bills + have $$$ left over that can be saved/invested.
#2) Wife does NOT work but stays home & raises 3 kids---BUT SPENDS $2,500. TO $3,000. ON SHOPPING/BUYING ITEMS EVERY MONTH!
#3) SOMETHING is def WRONG here....WHAT is she buying for $30,000. to $36,000. a yr? The closets MUST be stuffed + the house MUST look like a furniture store/warehouse!
#4) WHY is it WRONG for this hard working man to try to budget + put his over-shopping spend-a-holic wife on a budget?
#5) EITHER this wife has a spending/drug/alcohol problem---or she is paying off somebody else's bills---or she is being blackmailed---or she is STASHING $$$ back for some reason....ALL/
ANY of these reasons/excuses means SHE IS STEALING MONEY FROM HER HUSBAND!
HOPE this guy gets HELP fast before his wife claims abuse/tries to take this guy to court & put him in jail! SHE IS UP TO SOMETHING!
This lady is out of control!
I think it’s clear from the comments section that the majority agree that Dave is wrong on this and the caller is right. These are from Dave Ramsey fans also and I’m also one. He does appear to protect women pretty much everytime.
Dave always trying to shame the man 😂
Wife spends too much money - definitely his fault. Yeesh
I don't think Dave is blaming him - but the husband is the one who wants to make the change and so he needs a reasonable way to approach his wife about it. Telling him to blame her or to treat her like a child is not going to solve the problem! Dave's trying to help here, not assign blame.
Same Dave as always, when it's the man's fault Dave goes "whaaaa, this boy needs to grow up!", yet when it's the woman's fault she needs to be treated with compassion and STILL it's the men's fault ?!
I'm going through the same thing with my wife.
Ok i think what Dave is saying is to get her to own the budget and the outcome then she'll be in the team and not outside
When the husband is screwing up, Dave makes comments like “well tell him if he wants to live till tomorrow he better get his act together” or “just smack him”
When it’s the wife screwing up, Dave either blames the husband for not being attentive enough or to handle her with kid gloves.
I love a lot of what Dave teaches, but his gynocentric advice gets very stale. Just be consistent Dave.
The wife is acting irresponsibly but remember you are only hearing his side of the story. My take on it is the husband likes to make unilateral decisions and gives his wife directives instead of listening to her input and making decisions together. His wife has made the mistake of not addressing the situation effectively and has resorted to self-medication through shopping to make herself feel better because she feels disrespected. She gets satisfaction from sticking it to him but in reality she is hurting herself financially as much as him.
This is exactly what I was thinking. He sounds like the type person who makes a decision and then goes on and on and on about it without letting her get in even a word. They need to sit down TOGETHER to make a budget. He needs to actually LISTEN to her input and then maybe she will be more invested in actually budgeting what she spends. Right now she is probably overspending as the only way she has of pushing back against his bulldozer demands.
Dave's right about them needing a counselor, or some kind of trusted third party, to help them with their communication issues, but he's wrong that the issues have to be affecting areas other than money. It's actually pretty common for communication problems to only manifest themselves on one particular topic.
This sounds like my wife.
Feel for this Guy trying to do the right thing & keep a good handle on the finances, but getting flack for it in the process. It`s not about being tight or just not wanting fun, it`s having a big picture view on things. But some people cannot see it I suppose.
Cyps36 iiii
If she has said multiple times that you're treating her like a child, you're treating her like a child. You trust her to raise your children so she must be somewhat responsible.
Lazy wives not involved in finance goals.
What is Dave smoking?! She has a vote. The guy is trying to start the conversation with her but she’s not wanting to participate.
'Me and my wife have been married for 13 years and we have 3 kids'...why did you do that?
Dave's favorite two words of advice for couples struggling financially: Marriage Counselor
Yes, and we know how the majority of those going to counsel works out. It rarely does. And the guys get raked for all they have
I was hoping for good advice, but was very disapointed.
take her off all accounts and credit cards...she will probably threaten you with divorce but gotta do whats best for your kids.
My husband refuses to budget because he said all his money goes to bills so there is no point😡
Same problem here. She spends 2-4 times as much as I do for same quality/quantity. When I try to calmly talk to her about the spending, she tells me I'm being controlling.
why dose this bring tears to my eyes?
welshhibby
public skool system
If the roles were reversed he would 100% blame the husband, dave ramsey always blames the guy.
I wonder what Dave would say if the situation is reversed and the wife called after hearing he spent 3000 a month and whined about bullying refusing s budget
What is wrong with his wife that she won't stick to a budget? If not, she should go get a job if she continues to spend the way she does.
A lot of people here are jumping to side with the husband. This is a very one sided version of the situation. I mean he didn't even call for a financial advice, he called to talk about his side of the story and seek marital advice. I'm not saying that he's not right, just that there's no way that any of us can know what's really happening. Considering that, I think Dave's advice to focus on the root of her feelings and reaction to the money conversation is appropriate.
You haven't listened to enough of these calls... It's almost always this way. It doesn't matter what the wife is doing, it's always because the husband doesn't know how to talk to her... Even though there is no indication of that, in fact, sometimes he doesn't even ask what the household income and debt are to put the wife's spending in context, but if the man is not sticking to the budget, then he needs to "be a man." Go take a listen!
Talking to her about retiring? She already doesn’t work. Retirement isn’t the right carrot to dangle. I cannot imagine wasting somebody else’s money!!
I already know what Dave is gonna say to this guy without even listening , just by the title. Anyone else ??
He should give her the responsibility of handling the money. If he keeps acting like her parent he is going to get no where. If he trusts her and let's her learn to budget she will rise to the occasion .
+boo sadie i love this idea, because i'm sure most rarely goes this route to fix. she probably doesn't even see his income though, so she spends more and more testing him until he squeals.
+boo sadie I agree. The big issue here, is that she doesn't feel like she is included in the financial decision making. He needs to do the budget with her and allow her to be a part of the process rather than giving her an allowance like she's his child.
If only he could've seen this before he put a ring on her. I was bothered with a relationship ending until
I realized she was exactly like this.
Getting angry was her defensemechanism for every form of critique I had. Especially about money.
great tips!
If nothing else, they need to learn to communicate constructively. Immediately going into offensive/defensive positions never solves anything.
Numbers don't lie.
feel sorry for this dude.
She needs serious therapy. Shopping is a sign of unhappiness. These women need to be treated like children because they can't be trusted. They are entitled. If it was me, she would have NO money at all. When you say no to a woman, the real beast comes out. You cannot budget with a person like this. They are too unhappy in their own lives to care about what the sensable husband thinks. I'm a woman, and I think the husband is right. She won't go the therapy because then she'd have to look at herself and change.
Apparently Dave missed the whole “women are equal movement.” He never rips into women but nearly always rips into men. In this case the guy has tried in many ways to TALK TO and WITH his wife and it’s gotten him nowhere. Now it’s time for him to ACT. Schedule Counseling and Cut the credit cards IMMEDIATELY. Give her a debit card and only load it with budgeted dollars. She’ll throw a fit. So what. Time to grow up. And then she’ll leave him and take half this poor guys money and claim he was “financially abusive.” The courts, which nearly always like Dave take the Female side will gladly give her what she “deserves.” Men...if you get married without a prenup today...just remember..the “help” out there for you are guys like Dave who will shame you and/or treat your ADULT wife with kiddie gloves. No one will protect you but you.
I feel 100% of this man’s struggle only our roles are reversed. I’m the one who wants to budget but my husband lives by mindset of “ I can’t wait till payday” and it’s nothing to do with being off dad llebt or budgeting. And he gets super defensive.
It's not 'PC' & safe to just straight up tell him his wife is a problem
My mother is the same with his wife.
Actually people can agree on most things but disagree vehemently about finances. This is why Dave is a financial counselor, not a psychiatrist or psychologist. Cant believe he said that to him.
Ancient episodes are now in my recommended video top 10...
The whole financial abuse started before tying the knot! It's very important to study and know whom you getting married to...sorry some would disagree, but when something becomes a norm is hard to change no matter what! Some people take others for a ride until they lose them. If you want to spend like no one else, work like no one else madam!
Man I'm so happy to not have a wife like that. My wife was a spender. But we got to the point were live very frugal in order to build up savings (we almost save all of our income) and do what we both really love which is travelling.
Trust the_process congratulations you’re a fool.
This is where I am at the moment... my wife doesn't seem interested in finances. Racked up a $8,000 dollar debt 2 years ago & we used the Dave Ramsey plan to fix it. She doesn't know what a pension is & has no interest in retirement & everytime I want to sit & talk about it, she gets angry.
She told me that because she had been a year in her job, she would be entitled to full maternity pay & we got pregnant. Because she didn't read her contract properly, she was exempt & now will only get a third of the money which means that I will virtually have to pay all the bills on my own. She has these big dreams of going into business but sits there & watches reality TV. She says I stress too much & 'everything will work out' but comes up with no plans. I feel like I have to come up with all the solutions & she relaxes. We keep on finding ourselves here but she has no interest in learning or developing in this area.
I feel like I'm drowning here & I really question if I made the right decision 4 years ago to get married...
KhemistrySet get out and get full custody if you can.
How old is that baby if you've only been married for 4 years? Go see a marriage counselor or your pastor at church or call into the Dave Ramsey Show
It's apparent you two are way too different to work. Sometimes you just have to realize your mistake and get out. It's only 5 years so not much alimony and your child support payment will equal your freedom to find someone more compatible. Good luck!
You my friend have broken MY cardinal rule. You married a dreamer. They talk a big talk but when it's time for sacrifice they're nowhere to be found. Divorce her!!
Why does Dave always defend the other person, ugh bugs me. Especially when he defends spoiled kids that call in complaining their parents won't pay for their college.
Most of the "spoiled kids" you refer to have parents that either specifically agreed to help pay for their college, and/or have actually signed/cosigned loans for them. If you sign for a loan, you are responsible for paying it, no matter what the loan was for. It's a simple matter of keeping your word. If you're talking about parents who are now having trouble paying because something happened (lost job, injury, divorce...), well that's too bad, they should have thought about that before making the agreement. The fact that you might be unable to pay back loans because "circumstances change" is a good reason to avoid debt in general anyway.
@@chrisstaub5880 No, they're still spoiled, it's called becoming an adult and taking responsiblity, and being independent. My parents cosigned for my medical school, and I never had any intention of letting them pay for it. It's merely a buffer. My assumption is you're one of these spoiled kids that spent 40k on a useless psychology degree and now it's your parents problem because they raised an idiot that doesn't want to be an adult.
@@runningdebate2670 If you want to pay loans that your parents signed, that's great, good for you, but that doesn't make anyone who doesn't "spoiled". Also, I never took out any student loans nor did my parents pay a dime for my college, so perhaps you might want to reconsider your assumptions.
@@chrisstaub5880 Ahh, did you qualify for tons of financial aid?
@@runningdebate2670 Yes and no. I did have a full ride scholarship for a state college, but I lost that after a year due to poor grades for various reasons (mostly laziness). After that, I went through community college at a couple classes a year while working, and paid for it myself.
This is one of the reasons I am not looking for a GF
Can we hear the other side of the story before we make a judgement call on this case?
She needs a job to understand the value of the money.
Grandparents raising grandchildren rarely discipline and train strongly enough.
Get rid of her.
She must earn every dollar she spends.
My husband won't budget or completely combine finances FML 😞
He exists to serve her resources. She will be with him in the future if it's her best option.
Hope things worked out. I would have given her an allowance if she wouldn’t listen.
I took FPU around 4 years ago with my fiancé before getting married, We’ve been married 2 years now. She was my accountability partner during the course. We continue to do budget committee meetings monthly as well as mid month check ins as well. We are completely debt free thanks to the course and save over 50% of my income. I used to hate our meetings, but now I look forward to our meetings each month. Nothing is more gratifying than communicating and game planning with my wife and working towards a common goal with her. Yes we mess up and have hard conversations once and a while, but it is so worth it in the long run.
When are you going to stop making excuses for wife’s who behave bad with money Dave ?
Don't give her right to shop then.
I don't think he is saying he wants to retire rich, just not retiring poor
o yea..dave should have made not being LAZY BABY STEP #1..reason being it take effort to write a budget
seeker jay takes effort to STICK with a budget!
A man should lead his household. If the woman deserves it, Dave definitely does get onto her.
My husband should listen to Dave. It’s funny in our case what Dave is saying is true, my hubby always blamed me for over spending, and we have two kids, I work full time and so does he, but 5 years into our marriage I found Dave and wrote down what we spent for three months and all overspending was groceries ( mostly my husband, he loves eating and eating good meals), it was awesome to see he totally 100 percent thought it was me and the proof was it was 70 percent him overspending and 30 percent me overspending, anyway we have started saving now finally. Men tend to like to assume it’s the woman not always true though
I wonder if the 2,500 - 3000 USD cover ALL the costs incl. programs for the children ? Gifts for their birthdays. Contributions to play groups. Gifts for the birthdays they are invited to * , and she more or less has to play along, or the kids will be social outsiders (at least the oldest is in the age bracket where that becomes an ongoing expenditure). That get's worse, also spending on field trips.
Not to forget if the couple is invited to a baby shower * or wedding and are expected to bring a gift. I am sure the wife buys those things and wraps them nicely - and I wonder if she has an extra budget for that. Or Christmas shopping for the family, friends, his co-workers *
(if they have not wisely stopped all gifts among adults. No, not even 10 or 20 USD "small presents". you hardly get unique and truly useful gifts for that budget or something that really gives the recipient joy - as opposed to some gimmick or another thing that clutters up the home and collects dust).
* I find that problematic for many reasons but fact is if all in your social circles do it, you can't escape it.
Now childcare and playgroup costs and other programs for them (baby swimming) may or may not be necessary and desirable to have (for a family of their income). And it is not that much if the "general shopping" includes groceries, clothes for the kids, if she worked on furnishing the house in the past year (that ends at some point)....
He may like it that she works on a presentable home, he is just surprised these little touches cost money. do they have a pet ? food, the vet, a leash per year, ....
Many men have no idea what the costs of living are, and worse they expect the woman to be nicely dressed and groomed and good food at the table - and they like her to invite friends over, which also costs EXTRA money, if you want to serve good food. sure you can invite them over to Chilli con carne and self made bread - but the beers still gonna cost more money. And you cannot always serve that. works fine one time for Game night, or watching the elections, but not for Thanksgiving or Christmas or birthdays (and she will be expected to serve some snacks and sweets as well, so more shopping, even if she bakes).
Love the dave ramsey show but I disagree here. I think maybe the caller touched on a sore issue and has resulted in a little psychological projection going-on
Divorce wife then.
Anyone ever hear Chris Rock's standup skit about Men & Women? "Men cannot go backwards sexually. Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle."
She's out of control and childish and needs to be stopped the same way you would stop a child, aka BY STOPPING THEM. PHYSICALLY.
But that doesn't work with adults... You will catch an assault charge...
Men, if a woman feels bullied, look in the mirror. I know you dont think youre doing it, but you are.
Dave is very wise. I thought he was going to attack that women based on this man's story, but he shocked him by putting him in front of the mirror. Wow!
She is keeping secret from her husband.
Hard to save money when you are married to a sieve.
Wife stop the BS or you are out!!!!!
He never mentioned how much money he makes a year and she feels bullied. Is she allowed to go get a pedicure? Does she have to ask so he can say no? $2,500 to $3000 monthly expenses for a family equals $36,000 a year! This is not extravagant if you have ever raised children. Did he say his wife was overspending or being too extravagant? No he did not. Did she have to breastfeed to save money? Because formula is very very expensive; so are diapers; so is preschool, etc. etc. etc...
So trying to Save money is wrong?