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My partner wants an open relationship but I don't || polyamory + monogamy || Playing w/ differences
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- Опубликовано: 12 авг 2024
- People frequently ask us about what to do because their partner wants to be in an "open relationship" and they aren't feeling it or visa versa. If either you or your partner are the one looking to explore more outside of your relationship, or even if you are wanting to share more of your authentic self with the world or within your partnership, we have created this video with you in mind. We share about our experiences in this realm, what has worked for us, and Brittany tells a story of transitioning from a monogamous to polyamorous relationship. We hope you enjoy and as always, keep your awesome questions coming!
Design your unique relationship here: conorbrittany.com
I'm just a boring monogamist, and that's okay too.
Whatever style of relationship and indeed LIFE that you choose we 100% support. Much love to you
Meanwhile, in Dan Savage land...
That man must be stopped with his monogamy=bad rhetoric. He is a highly visible, yet pustular boil upon the face of the poly advocacy movement.
This is so inspiring and exactly the reminder I needed. Thank you both so much 🙏
Of course it is.
I broke up with my man because he wants an open relationship and i know that i dont want it. I believe that a relationship based on two is best for me ,and i cant give it all to someone and not get the same energy back like it s devided between me and other people. so i didnt want him to change for me and i cant change for him , so we broke up.
I feel so sad because my gf wants a open relationship and I don’t but I love her like crazy and we just moved out together and I don’t want to throw away what we have...
@@skatesalome hey you , ask yourself , do you see your life happy while compromising something you cant live with? That fear will make you miserable , you may have loved her but you should be realistic , you cant continue to live with someone u share a different vision about what is the basic of a relationship . It has been two months since we broke up , i miss him terribly , even though he said he doesnt want it anymore but i know him too well to know that he doesnt mean it he just wants me back , move on and i wish you the best in ur life
My husband brought this conversation up and it hurt so bad. I can’t get over this conversation he hasn’t brought it up but it haunts me and it has depressed me to the core. Specially knowing he wants someone else. He doesn’t want an open relationship where I can be with someone else.
@@Begula_BobaQueen then thats not a fair relationship.. if you want to experiment what gives him the right to say you can't if he wants it too. My husband and I were in an open relationship for 2 years and it's not easy, but we learned alot about our way of loving each other even through feeling of jealousy or unworthiness... communication is key, even if it feels uncomfortable to have. This is your life, you get to choose how you live it
@@Begula_BobaQueen : wait, your husband wanted to fool around with others, but not let you do the same??
I wish I could be secure enough to be this way but I'd feel so sick to the core insecure. I'm so glad it works for you guys 😁
Wanting a monogamous relationship *does not mean* being insecure. Also, why on Earth would you wish you could be something that clearly doesn't sound good to you?!
I got literally sick when my partner spent a weekend with some guy she met online. The communication about her going to be with him wasn’t really clear on my part and it caused a lot of pain.
@@billthebard805 im sorry;((
I just found this and honesty... it’s a lot of disregarding the other persons feelings. It would have been more beneficial to hear from the partner that was actually going through the discomfort. Not the partner ignoring the discomforted partner to do what they want to do without apology.
I agree
These type of so called relationships are nothing but FWB, one wants the other doesnt wont work it cant
Exactly
@@johnrencheck2283 : are you saying all polyam relationships are FWB?
I would like to thank you guys SO much. I just started watching your channel today. It is the first time I have had time to myself and fully think about what I want in life. I fell in love with someone that is polyamous one year ago and we have been struggling because of my jealousy. At first it was really hard for me to fully understand her. It's a new concept and I didn't really know how i felt about it. In the beginning I always felt like I wasn't enough and questioned why she was looking for more then just me. I would tear myself apart every time she was with someone else. I feel growing up we are conditioned that monogamous relationships are the only ones our there. I started watching your "Jealousy vs. compersion in Poly and Mono relationships" and then "Afraid of losing your partner to someone else" and they really opened my eyes. I get jealous easily because I see the other relationships my girl has with other people and sometimes I feel like their connection is better than our and I start to obsess over it. I know that is not the right thing to do and because of your videos I am in a sense relieved and know now that I shouldn't be focusing on what she is doing but rather what I am doing and how to make myself happy while she is happy with someone else. Call me naive lol but it never occurred to me that being jealous is something only I can control. After watching your that videos I sat and thought for a good 30 minutes and looked at the notes I took while watching them. I love the way you guys explain your relationship and it has made me excited and more open to what my girlfriend is doing. I truly believe at we can't get all of out wants and need met by one person. There are 7 Billion people on earth it is inevitable for us to only connect with one person. Everything you guys have said about being jealous and how jealous people should focus that energy on themselves is genius. If it wasn't for you guys and this channel I feel like I would have taken the wrong path and lost the love of my life. So thank you very much. I appreciate everything you guys are doing and I can't wait to focus on my own insecurities and build a stronger relationship with my girlfriend and whoever else comes in my life.
That's amazing Tiana. I am experiencing something like yours due to my jealousy as well, and you phrased it in an incredible way. I can't wait to build a stronger relationship with my poly girlfriend as well :)
I completely relate to this and I've been looking for just people that relate to this experience because it has been a VERY hard adjustment with my relationship.
Me and my girlfriend were struggling in our relationship. Upon looking into a more open relationship and somewhat ending our previous relationship and sorta just leaving that type of relationship behind I can definitely say that our communication, trust, teamwork, and just our lives in general have become so much better.
I'm struggling violently with jealousy, but not because the person is with her or their having sex or kissing, but because of my self esteem and self worth is low and I just think that like "oh, well I'm not enough" or "this girl is better and that's why she wants to kiss her" until I watched this and even read what you wrote.
My girlfriend is so open minded and accepting and just lives for new experiences and new people and after really writing down my thoughts and just being able to sit down and think about what I want, I want new experiences with her.
We went clubbing for her birthday and I was so nervous because she wanted to make out with other girls and kiss and dance and I was just sitting in a puddle of despair and jealousy leading up to going.
Upon being there it was one of the best nights I've had. Me and her had so much fun and I opened my mind and danced with girls and so did she. During the night she started kissing a friend of ours, and at first I was dying inside until she looked at me and had me join and dance and kiss and just be with her and just be involved in everything.
After really thinking about it in a sober mindset, I realized that I was so relieved in a way because I saw that, it wasn't just her wanting to fuck some girl who was prettier than me or make out or fuck around, it was wanting new experiences that though can happen without me, she wanted me involved in some experiences as well and was also attracted to me even though she was kissing other girls and dancing with all of these beautiful women and it just sorta changed my entire perspective on everything.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still struggling with this somewhat and all relationships are different but being put in that situation really opened up my eyes and whether or not we continue to be open or just sorta go back to monogamy I'm excited about having new experiences with her and living my life openly with her and honestly I would even tell people who are struggling with communication and trust to really think about doing something like this. It's not for everyone but honestly I think it really saved our relationship on a friend and girlfriend level.
@@kaylanstockdale2705 wow, thank you for sharing all of that! I love how you are so open about everything going on. My wife and I are starting to explore this as well. We were talking about her possibly sleeping with someone else, maybe as a hall pass. She actually asked me about that during one of our more passionate times together lately. Also she's been chatting a couple guys, which turns me on quite a bit.
Wonderful
I am really struggling with this concept of polygamy. If you want to sleep around, why be in a relationship. I just keep thinking of a child who wants a lollipop so the child cries and cries until they have it. And once they do, they want another one and another one. What's the point of the relationship if you dont devote the time to build something special with one person if you are tasting the flavor of the week. I am honestly not trying to offend anyone or tell you what to do. I just dont get it. I just feel like if I have to look outside of the relationship for my needs to be met, something isnt working in that relationship. So why stay in it? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
It’s not that something’s inherently missing in your relationship but everyone has different things to offer. Open relationships allow you to sleep with others. Poly relationships allow you to develop a deeper level of intimacy with others and you can learn so much in these and bring them into your other relationships which would in turn strengthen all the bonds you have! Polyamory is the ability to love and fall in love with multiple people. It’s not all about sex. In fact, some poly people are actually asexual believe it or not! I hope this helps :)
I assume that you would allow your partner to interact with other people in some way. You would not ban them from having friends because you understand that having other friends does not devalue your friendship. When people enter a relationship they do not give up all other friends and family and refuse to smile at anyone other than their partner. People have multiple friends. People love many people in different ways. If you can understand that, why can't you understand polyamory? You might not want to do it, that is fine. Most people have more friends than me. That doesn't bother me. Maybe I would not be able to keep up with the news from so many people but they probably can. Why is this so different?
I'm coming at this from the other side of the issue. I'm not poly, I find it hard to open up to people and my partner has said from the off they don't want monogamy. I want her to have everything she wants and I've not said no once. But it eats me up. It makes me feel really low and I get trapped inside my head with things rolling round. It's not picturing her with other people, honestly the sex isn't really the issue I know it's a confidence or self esteem issue with myself and I want to get past it....but it's so hard, the whole thing worries me. I want her to have the best life she can and explore herself. I'm not sure how to get past this....I'm trying but it feels futile at the moment
You have to find someone who life is easy with. This is toxic and you can be happier with someone more compatible with you :)
So, how did that go? I'm in the same situation now.
Awesome honestly here. What you say resonates with me in a relationship with very different libidos. The rejection killed my self esteem. My advice is to weigh your current feelings with those you might feel if the relationship ended, it should provide some clarity as difficult as it is. The 2nd is to try 15-30 days without any release. This should help you gain energy and motivation. Continue with other methods on building self esteem and SMV. Even if the relationship doesn't work out the way you wish (while also realizing you can't control all aspects), you will be so much better off and prepared, that's a win/win my friend
Your feelings matter , why be in a relationship like this when you feel all this stress?
This is my exact situation right now. We have finances tied together and it got to the point where I had to leave and we’re still trying to sort out this fracture in our life.
I really love you guys. For most of my adult life I’ve wanted a poly relationship, but entering nonmonogamy has felt more intense than I expected. You two have really helped me and I really appreciate it.
The big problem with this is that there is no perspective from anyone experiencing discomfort with this. And I think its because clearly in those scenarios, if someone truly fell in love and "thought" they were in a monogamous relationship, and their partner sooner or later decides not to be in as committed, this becomes a very carefully worded justification for pursuing things that ordinarily may not be healthy or even appropriate. You ignore the health risks, the damage it can be do to social and family dynamics, the loss of trust and intimacy - you ignore all that and simply say "You are not doing anything wrong, society and its constructs are archaic and to blame, its only natural to want to bang different people, just make it a "connection" by renaming that desire a relationship, and wrap it up with a lot of mental gymnastics to give yourself approval.
And if the approval process scare you (like it should since it involves much more than acknowledging the discomfort it causes others and examining how you really came to that point) just "create the relationship" which is again a way to justify what is in essence a one sided and quite individual decision that affects both parties. This video essentially is essentially a road map to forcing a one sides compromise to allow one person have what they want, without consideration of another persons feelings in it.
THE SIMPLE TRUTH PEOPLE IS IF YOU WANT MONOGAMY, SIMPLY STAY SINGLE. No pain, or hurt, you can be very good friends with someone, and not drag them into a love triangle and expose them to risks like disease and mental pain by wanting to turn your monogamous relationship into an open one . The difficult decisions here which takes away from the fluffy happy tone of this video, is a difficult series of introspection.
Why would you feel the need for other "connections" (i.e intimate/sexual/emotional relationship - something that was implied in the monogamous relationship)if you already have that with one partner? If you don't have that why not go to counseling or work it out to figure out how best for you and them to reconnect? if you really love the person you started the monogamy with, what happened? did you or them "evolve" and change? if so into what and why? is it fine with you? is it fine with them? If its just you and they want to stay monogamous, then are you both still compatible? what are the consequences of this? Is the attempt to push them into your sphere of thinking then an attempt to circumvent consequence? If they are not sold on the idea then is separation a healthier choice? The flaw in a lot of these sort of self promoting videos is that a lot of very important details get glossed over to package it neatly for consumption to anyone simply looking for a way to justify making very one sides decisions for two people. Life is not that way. If these two were already gushing over this, then it means they were already not really into monogamy in the first place, which is okay. They may already be both Bi-Sexual which scientifically speaking would make the decision much easier for the two a bit easier in all honesty. But what about the perspective of straight heterosexuals, or two people who thought they were straight and one person suddenly discovers they are Bi? is that decision best for both? How?
- I agree, there should be no shame, but part of that may involve a difficult change for one or both parties. Making a simplistic video that justifies such a drastic change to the relationships of many, including some where families and children could be impacted, is a bit irresponsible. Chasing the next best mental high form an orgasm with random partners, wrapped up in the guise of "relationship connections" is simply nothing more than marketing a compulsion towards sex with multiple partners as some sort of lifestyle choice. It is says rather than treat what may be a clinical sign of sex addiction, embrace it as your personality and give your partner an ultimatum to either get on board or let you go play STD roulette in the world wide web of plausible "relationship connections"
Please people remember, what separates Human beings from animals is our ability to control our emotions and not act only from instinct. To be attracted to anyone sexually involves a lot of scientifically proven biological processes. Making a conscious decision to control this and keep thing monogamous is not glamorous, but it ultimately reflects more of your ability to be a disciplined human being than any overly simplified justification to sleep with random people on a whim, and label it a "relation ship" or "connection". While sex is not a commodity, the intimacy and fulfillment and security of knowing you have the undivided, unyielding and uncompromising security and devotion of a single person who will go to bat for you against all odds, is far more preferable than the fluffy and often pointless results of randomly coupling with people and calling it a "relationship" - it often time trivializes the meaning of what a relationship should be, and ignores the very real damage you could be doing to yourself and others mentally, physically and emotionally
Be honest, put the facts out, and address all sides, the good the bad, the painful and the blissful. Videos like this, like with all things involving a relationship, need to be rooted in honesty. This one simply isn't as it is, like with most of these decisions when they are made, come from a a very one sides, and purely self centered perspective.
Watching this and basing a decision from it will only cause you or someone else a lot of pain. Understand your reasons for wanting something first, and then asking yourself if that reason is good enough to justify what will come of your actions, and working through that would be the best. It may involve difficult decisions, but such is life. Ultimately you will decide what you should do, but don't make it easier for you by overlooking the difficult aspects of such a decision.
so my girlfriend wants a poly relationship. I'm really trying to be open to this, but I'm really just not comfortable with her bringing in another guy. Maybe... MAYYYYBE I'd be comfortable with her and another girl being invested emotionally/ sexually, but definitely not another guy. I don't see him as competition, and am not jealous. I don't mind her cuddling up or being sweet with another guy, but I just don't understand where she'd find the time to get emotionally invested with someone else. it just seems to be a pointless thing that will only add stress.
so maybe it is worth this stress.
You would be open with her getting emotional invested with a girl but when it comes to a guy you saying you don’t know how she can find the time to be emotionally invested..you just contradicted yourself..just say your jealous if she would be with a another guy and understand that it’s perfectly ok
Reptilezionofaramouru adre The bitch cheated. I left her, moved to another city, and now I’m in the best position I’ve ever been as far as life goes.
She is right ✅
I've been in a monogamous relationship with my husband since we met in 1988. The reason why I watched this particular video, is because, even though HUB and I aren't at all interested in taking other lovers, is because I can always apply your words to fit some unique situation in my life. My "people" are mostly in their 50's and 60's. We are retiring. Our kids are growing up and making families of their own. Big changes are happening. Society tells us how we are supposed to live, but we grew up in the 60's and 70's, so many of us question everything. I certainly do anyway. I always want my choices to be based on what I want, and not some knee jerk reaction or what "they say" I should do. You help me raise my game, because you remind me to communicate without fear. Thanks for that.
Ali! We always love your comments so much! I love how you reflect on what we are sharing and relate it to your life and relationship. I also love hearing more about your relationship :). I love that you are focusing on making choices based on what you want. We are honored that you are finding inspiration here to raise your game and communicate without fear. So badass! Tons of love to you!
+Conor and Brittany So glad you love my comments, because I love commenting! :D
Your comment made me wish i could know you. There are so many closed minded people in this world that people like you make me want to cherish every moment i get to spend with or read the thoughts of likeminded individuals.
thank you
Your comment made me wish i could know you. There are so many closed minded people in this world that people like you make me want to cherish every moment i get to spend with or read the thoughts of likeminded individuals.
thank you
Your comment made me wish i could know you. There are so many closed minded people in this world that people like you make me want to cherish every moment i get to spend with or read the thoughts of likeminded individuals.
thank you
I greatly enjoyed watching this! Communicating openly and being true to yourself is so vital! :)
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
I needed to hear this. You hit some key points so authentically that I’ve been wrestling with that I haven’t heard much anywhere else. Thank you! ❤
I really enjoyed this video! Particularly the part about dealing with others' expectations/ demands of you without pushing back for the sake of "trying to assert yourself" or to prove something to them, defend yourself etc. Just to be unashamedly. Definitely one of my favourites. :)
This is so great to hear. Thank you for sharing here- I'm so glad that you enjoyed the video and that so much of this resonated with you. It's always great to hear from you :)
I know this is kinda the opposite of what you guys talk about, but having watched your videos for the last few months and how you talk about safe space, openess and embracing your own needs through your own individual connections has really allowed me to start examining myself - and the fact that I am not really interested in sex as a physical connection at all. It's allowed me to be OK with that, and understand more of how I fit in with the rest of the world - and to be unafraid of letting go of relationships that don't serve me, or demand that I be something other than what I truly am.
So once again, I owe you both a big thank you for sharing your lives with us :)
we love that you found clarity here for yourself. "o be unafraid of letting go of relationships that don't serve me, or demand that I be something other than what I truly am." This is really what it is all about
This is so cool! Thank you for sharing!
Take the time to "be more you".
Beautifully put.
Seems like there just complicating it! Why not get to it and just tell your partner “ I love you and our relationship , that said, I am going to sleep with the neighbor, your sister, your best friend, and possibly even your mom if I can convince her!” It’s seems to me this would be a lot better form of communicating. Cuts through all the BS and gets to the point without any confusion.
I'm really appreciating your videos right now, they come from such a beautiful and open and honest place. I feel like I'm going to squirrel them away to share with loved ones when I eventually come out of the closet to my family. I am currently in a one sided open relationship, I'm monogamous, and my partner is not. I want my friends and family to have good examples and tools to understand our unique situation, and I think your videos will be very useful. Thank you.
Sky Richarde that really sucks coming from a monogamous guy myself if 5is is what she really wants and you don’t want to leave her communicate and see what steps two take if your not okay with her sleeping with another man or woman I would find someone else who can appreciate and respect your values
You two are love and light personified. In a good way. Thanks for this.
This video was so helpful and the comments are amazing too! Great knowing others are going through what you are.
What a breath of fresh air. I just got chewed out talking about this on reddit polyamory
Mmm sorry to hear that. We support you
This is really awesome. My partner and I are high school sweethearts now in college. We both know we want to get married to one another and be monogamous the majority of our relationship. But we’ve come to the conclusion we would both enjoy experiencing other things while still being invested in each other. Obviously we have our own set of rules we are comfortable with, but we are excited to experience it together
I know this video is a few years old but I stumbled upon it as I’m struggling to adapt to my husband’s desire for a poly relationship. I’ve been having such a rough time trying to understand it but now I almost feel like crying as you both explained this so beautifully- thank you!
The way you look at each other and look at US ! Your eye contacts are magnificent and amazing. That is really beautiful about the two of you ❤
Thank you so much...i was looking for this exact advice because i've never been through this before.Thank you for sharing in such a loving and wonderful way!!!
I could sit here and listen to you two talk ALL DAMN DAY.
I really like that you talked about the areas or that there are areas you don't link up with each other because me too! I have a great monogamous relationship, yet when we are so different, I get fearful, and this video helps to support and remind me that this is a-okay and also good! Kind of like looking at a painting and seeing what you like and feels familiar and what doesn't. (If this makes sense?)
My girlfriend states that she is polyamorous but I really don't want to share her or open our relationship. I think it is really not good for me. I love her but I am not ready. We are talking about marriage and joining our lives together but I think that she has sex with someone else I am out. So any tips?
Brittany you are radiant! That hairstyle looks so amazing on you. Best wishes ❤️
Thank you so much! Ah, this feels amazing to receive!
I’m finding it extraordinary that I feel enough security in myself to be in an open relationship and trust in love. It has taken 15 years of work on myself to heal my severe attachment trauma in order to get here. Having done all I this work I recognise it is not for everyone. 12 step programs have helped too
you both are so dynamic and so thoughtful and unique.....I without question though, can guarantee this poly thing can not continue and you both stay together.
HELP! My ex and I are in difficult times right now! I’m monogamist and my ex is a polygamist. We dated for 5months and we clicked so much. He loves me, and losing me might be the hardest things he ever done. I’m very happy when I’m with him. I love him so much I don’t actually want to let him go. It’s the bond with him I shared I don’t want to lose. We get each other. But he wanted a open relationship and I’m the type to love one person at a time. So, it’s hard to get him. He wants to be with me, but have an open relationship. When we were dating and he would talk to other girls I would get so jealous, and I think one of the reason we broke up was I didn’t want him texting other girls. And if I know correctly, it’s a normal thing polygamist do? Btw I’m a jealous type. I get jealous over every little things. Idk if I should try to have a polyamory with him bc I don’t want to lose him. He’s like my other half. I have the same things coming through my mind, “ Am I not enough? Do I not make him happy enough?” It’s so hard to understand. One time I asked why he wanted an opened relationship. And said, “I’ll never be good enough huh?” He replied, “Did I say that?” He came to see me a few days ago, he told me he loves me and he wants me, but want to be in an opened relationship. He said he was in a polyamory relationship once and he likes it. I even asked if he liked being in a polyamory relationship better than our relationship and he said, “I don’t have an straight answer. I just knew I liked it.” My whole point is should I try to be in a polyamory relationship with him? Or would it hurt me more, bc I’ll get jealous of other woman he’ll be with? I asked to chose polyamory or me and he chose polyamory. And I’m very sad about it, bc I want to be with him and he wants me but have an opened relationship.
I feel you gotta be strong about it and trust your gut don’t let him manipulate you into getting what he wants. Any updates?
These topics are so interesting... I've been exploring them for myself and my partner- at the moment it's just learning about it and conversing with my partner of almost 10 years- no action taken on either side at the moment. It's sounds super inspiring, exciting and scary but either way- I feel like learning about it and finding out if it's for me, him, or us... Will be liberating regardless:)
We both feel like communicating about this, like you both are doing, is so important. The action can come when it feels right. But we both experience the heart-opening space of simply being able to share. Yes, it will indeed be liberating regardless of what you do with it. Much love to you. Keep us posted
Wow! You guys are beautiful. I've been ENM/poly for years and you guys are possibly one of the most divine representations of polyamory I've ever seen! And so well articulated as well!
Wow, thank you!
I dig this SO MUCH. Perfect reminder: we get to create what we'd like our relationships look like. That's so important to remember! Thank yous!
Thank you! Love that you got it
Thanks for this video. I feel nurtured by your open and loving expression of your truth in this video. I can feel your excitement and clarity, as well as your compassion for those of us who are in love with monogamous folks who are scared of our wild open poly hearts.
Yes! We can understand that! So much love to you. We get you!
This video is a profound revelation for me “be more me” ❤️
So beautiful ❤️ I love hearing your own processes and experiences.
Thank you! We love sharing them
I love a lot about this talk, but something that just clicked for me was when you used the term "the dominant culture". I could go on and on explaining why that specification is necessary and meaningful to me in growing and changing, but I'll just say thank you. :)
I am so glad this resonated with you. We totally feel you here! Thank YOU for sharing this comment :)
I would only discreetly consider an open relationship if I feel frustrated in my current relationship or if my partner wasn't fulfilling what I need but I still wanted to be with him.
Cool Chicka then don't cheat on person, if your not happy with relationship break it up and move on to other person.
@@stephanjoseph7468 That's off topic
Brittany you are so amazingly beautiful, you just exude confidence and positivity
Could not agree more! -C
I feel sometimes that when I am myself I am left alone and I don't want that, it scares me.
Hey there, i know this video is already a couple of years old, so i hope you will read this anyways! I would really love to hear more advice for people whose partner wants to have a more open or polyamourous relationship. People who are really scared about the conflicts of needs between them and their partner. Thank you so much!
You two are beautiful humans, and I’m so glad you shared this video.
I struggle hearing you say “doing nothing wrong”.
For the mono partner it’s not always about moral right/wrong, but I necessary risk taking.
The mono partner can want their poly partner to be happy but still not want to risk their partner “moving on”.
Love these videos so much. It's so inspiring . Love you guys and thanks for sharing all this good stuff with the world !
Thank you Sarah!
One of my favorite video from both of you! :)
Question! Do u sometimes introduce lovers to your family and how do u introduce them? Family sometimes doesn't approve of polyamory...
I really appreciate your perspectives and ur positivity. Makes me feel validated as I share your very pure and hopeful attitude towards love and polyamory. However, my partner considers this way of being as very naive and immature. I was hoping for more advice on how to handle a truly reluctant partner, vs. your experience where you've found a partner that you truly share an opinion with. What is there to do in a situation where you are faced with choosing between being monogamous or being in an extremely toxic open relationship? My partner does not have any skills on self regulation of his emotions, and also he has and extreme anxiety disorder which prevents him from feeling secure, EVER. So an open relationship was just a whole nightmare, and I love him enough to try to push that part of myself to the side. It seemed like my only option if I wanted to save my own sanity/happiness. But I'm so afraid that I am going to fail. This is a very long term and invested relationship. We own a house together and I want a future with him so it's not like I can just walk away either. Thank you so much for your time.
do you have any suggestions on where to find Quality Connections? a lot of people confuse this with the swinger lifestyle
My boyfriend has found live with his exes and with his childhood friends. Not sure if those would work for you but that’s who he’s also involved with.
I wish you could do a Q&A live session just on this topic because I believe so many people are in that place of "what do I do?" My partner is A and I am B minded regarding intimacy and sex.
Joshua Ehl 500 tips of lovemaking check that out I wouldn’t not suggest going for a polyamory or open relationship unless you both communicate and are on the same basis and your relationship can’t be falling apart it would make it even worse in that situation
My partner is poly and had to move way a few months ago before they moved I was much more secure with them doing things with other people but the distance makes it more threatening and they asked if they could have another relationship I know they love me and that I'm important but it feels very threatening and that I could be forgotten I want to be accepting and open it's just very difficult
I don't know what to do
I’ve been watching multiple videos about struggles with polyamory relationships . My partner just recently has expressed her confusion and interest in being an open relationship, due to the fact that she is interested in another girl. I’ve never really been super open to it in theory, but now that it’s really happening I’m seeing that the amount of love I have for my partner is too much to be able to just let it go without trying to let her be herself as well as being with me. I’m trying my best to be more open to it because I really love my partner to the ends of the earth and I’m willing now to try and give it a try while she goes through this and is trying to figure herself out. We’ve communicated each other’s concerns and we’ve both decided to set a boundary with the extent she will go with her other interest, like nothing beyond a kiss. She’s completely okay with this and it gives me some more comfort in the fact that she doesn’t love me any less than she did . Do you have any advice for me going through this struggle in my relationship?
@Emily Wildgen I am currently struggling with the same situation. I am curious to know a year later how things turned out for you?
@@saxophonistjanetteg when you say you're struggling, do you mean your partner would like an open relationship, or you?
@@kbanghart my partner is open, but I feel more connected to idea of monogamy even after giving openess a try.
@@saxophonistjanetteg I can understand that sentiment for sure. Are you ok with your partner seeing other people at this time? Or have they agreed not to?
y’all are so encouraging! thank u for sharing ❤️
Erin you want to start open relationship?
I just found your channel and you're already speaking to my heart. Im currently in a monogamous relationship and my partner does not even want to hear about being more open. I dont know what to do, but im guessing this restricted mindset will lead to breakup sooner or later
Thank you so much for reaching out. We are honored and so glad that you have found our channel. I'm glad that you are feeling into what feels right for you.
How is he being restricted had a friend in the same situation his girlfriend wanted an open relationship and he didn’t want any part of it I mean not all men are ok with having there wives being fked by other men it’s that simple it’s not being close minded before o you get serious in any relationship it’s best to bring this up before hand as it’s not fair two the people involved if he he’s not on board just break up
What if it feels like my partner does not want to longer be connected w me? like she prefers her connection w others?
I've been trying to watch videos to learn more about open relationships and polyamory, because my husband of 8 years has always made it pretty clear that he wants or needs that. But whenever I do, I really struggle with feeling frustrated and resentful about what you and other poly folks are saying.
It seems that you're suggesting couples should be prepared to have to walk away from each other at a moment's notice if their interests and desires are in different directions. What if you really need to stay with your spouse?
My husband and I have a 7-year-old daughter, we've got joint accounts and payments on our car for another 3 years, saving up for a house and retirement, all of which which we'd never afford on one salary.
But whether or not I like it, he has occasional flings, and sometimes he falls in love with other guys for a little while. The first few times I completely freaked out, but I've come to tolerate it.
Is there anything either of you could suggest to help me be more accepting of this?
As of right now it's not something I'm enjoying and in the times that he's falling for other people it makes me feel very insecure in my relationship, and my life, really.
I can't wait to meet you two beautiful souls at WFF2017, and I know my wife feels the same way. Super exciting :)
Was curious to hear what they had to say. When any couple has a fundamental difference in what they want, you really need to be on the same page regardless of the issue because the relationship won't work if there is is discord between the parties. I want monogamy from a union. I'm not anti-poly for others. I just know myself and what I will and will not find acceptable. If two people want very different things, then if they can't find a compromise, then there is a much bigger issue threatening the union. If someone I loved needed another person in our union, then I would have to bid them adieu. Nothing personal, but if I am not more than enough for that person then I'm out of there. For a couple that felt the opposite and were okay inviting someone respectful into their life more power to them.
What do you do when partner asks for open relationship and you don't are you willing to share if my partner was to ask that question it would result in an instant divorce no question
I see this with friendships, a person gets jealous or feels left out when their friend is spending time with a different friend. It's good to realize that your friend doesn't get all of their "friendship needs" from just you. That's why people often have many friends, because each one fulfills a person in different ways.
I've started asking my friends about their other friends, and it's great to see them light-up with excitement about how they are, and what they and my friend have been up to, or how their relationship has changed or evolved.
This is a great point!! I really enjoyed this comment:)))
This is such a great example. Thank you for the wonderful share!
Candle Duck
But a friendship is different to a marriage or partner.
Ugh friends are different to partners 😒
You don't commit to only have one friend monogamous people commit to only date one person. Ugh poly people need to stop comparing friendship to literal intimate romantic relationships
I have not been the same after having this conversation with my bf. Specially when he broke down all my flaws and how he can get what I lack with someone else. He says he feels passionate about it and I told him can we both just be with different people like both be in an opening relationship and he said I just said that out of despite because he said it first. I’m not the same anymore I’m not sure if I’m internalizing and making it a big deal?
Im sorry ,I dont get it. If if works for you good. . You guys seem so happy,in love and you say when I was with others I thought of Brittany, so why dont you just stay with her only? yes I know about labels etc but I just dont understand it. Also what about Std's? Im closed minded I guess. If I love some one they fufill my desires, I donnt pick and choose from others,if I do want someone else then I break up with the first person. Im not cutting you down, I just cant wrap my mind around it.
I hope you will enjoy some of our other videos where we talk about these subjects. Much love :D
OMG. Feeling the same here.
People are really lost.
Or maybe its me who is.
I dont want complications in my Life.
Where do we draw the line?
Wow...
OMG STFU
@@lolaispure4296 What are you talking about?
Thank you for your bravery and vulnerability
I'm monogamous and would only want one partner, but I would 100% be okay with my partner being polyamorous.
My partner wanted to open up our relationship and I didn’t communicate well about it with her and things went back and forth and I went along with things I wasn’t fully open to and it created a massive amount of pain in our life. The unclear communication on my part created way more pain and suffering on my part.
I'm in this exact situation. Please tell me how to fix this
Question from a mono gal in love with a bi Poly guy here. We're in a relationship but I feel we haven't had good enough discussions about the dynamic of the relationship as he isn't 100% sure of his poly identity and what he wants his future to look like. Is it wrong of me to want him to have a clearer idea of this? It would make a difference to the relationship depending on his idea of his future, is he happy with myself as his primary or will he want to spend more time away with other relationships, will he want multiple marriages and families, will he want steady relationships or more casual hook ups. Its bothering me that we haven't had more clear talks about this, as he keeps reassuring me he loves me and wants a future with me, I'm beginning to worry he's stringing me along in a sense as I've stated I'm more conformable with something closer to an open relationship style dynamic. He doesn't bring it up and doesn't say half as much as myself when I do. Sound concerning or am I letting my insecurities get the better of me?
I'm in a monogamous with a woman I love very much, but we're stuck in a sexless marriage. I tried to approach her about it and all she does is blaming me for everything. It's been dead in the bedroom for years and i refuse to bring other people into my life. What is your take on this, any ideas on how I can get back sex into the marriage?
I love you guys! Thanks for being such an inspiration! :-)
Thank youuu!
Ooh and we love youuuu!
So what do you do when your partner from the outset says she hates polyamory, or when you live in a society that bans polyamory from the outset and the expectations are live, mate, children and die - no questions about happiness or individual choice of preference to find it...?
If you want a poly relationship but your partner does not, then break up as soon as possible. Get it over with now, or else you're just delaying the inevitable.
Then DO NOT TRY CONVINCE HER. It's disgusting to coerce someone like that. If you enter a monogamous relationship and later down the line say you want polyamory it's coerced manipulation. You shouldn't have dated someone you knew wasn't poly if you were planning to be poly.
My gf asked to share each other with other people. It totally destroyed me. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt so totally inadequate. I'm not blessed with confidence in my body and I can't blow people away with being a smart talker. I felt I had to fight for attention. In the end she had no time for me.
She wanted one, and I wanted that for her. I thought she was the love of my life. We tried. It's over.
Ive been in a monogamous relationship with my beloved boyfriend for over a year now. He is 17, I am 16, and I must say that it is harder for me to commit than for him. I've always secretly wanted an open relationship, but I think what I want is more to be able to kiss and physically interact with other in an intimate way rather than fall in love with someone else. The problem is, I am 99% sure he wouldn't like this. I had kissed another girl four to five months ago, and immediately told him about it. His feelings were crushed. Therefore, I think it might be painful for him to hear that I would like for us both to be open to connecting with other people, especially since we just had our one-year anniversary last month. I was wondering how to approach this topic with him; if I didn't bring it up, I'd feel like I was lying or hiding from him, and I never want that. What do you think I should do? PS I live in the austin area as well, and I love zilker! Thought it was cool we both live there.
I am the same way. What about if I want the open relationship but my long term partner does not, or I am like 99% sure they do not want that kind of a relationship? What kind of advice is there for that?
Same
Go date someone that wants an open relationship and let him find someone normal.
Agreed you already went behind his back and cheated if your interested in a poly or open relationship you should have told him from the first moment you guys got serious communication is key not just in polyamory relationships but also in any relationship if you don’t have that then no matter what you relationships will not work.
Can't do it. I tried polyamory and ultimately got my heart broken. Twice. My girlfriend eventually left me and married another man and started a family with him. Humans need a lot of love and constant affection. All of my love goes to several people in my life: My mother and my girlfriend . I have little time for anything else. Adding another girlfriend to my life will further complicate things. I feel like polyamory is selfish. I just wanted to date other girls because I wanted have sex with other girls. It was selfish of me. And ultimately I got abandoned by my girlfriend when I let her date other guys. I dont think polyamory works. I tried it. Doesnt work. The most advanced societies in the world are the ones who encourage monogamy, not polyamory. I'm going to trust my instincts and stick with monogamy. Thanks for the video though.
Ouch, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. But remember, it does work for some people. Definitely not for others. I'm not sure if I advanced society has much to do with it.
I love you guys! Thanks for the inspiration. :-)
Thank you :D
But I mean when I fall in love with another one while I am in a relationship, than I am into this new partner. and the old partner will feel neglected. and I will only think about the new partner
This may happen. What else could happen? What other magic and beauty is possible? If we put the fear aside for a moment, what else is there?
That was a pretty convoluted answer IMO
We were not asked a question and we were not giving an answer. The questions we posed are offerings. We can really understand this exchange feeling a certain way for you but our deepest desire comes from a place of love. Our responses, our videos, our posts and our exchanges in the world are never meant to be intentionally difficult to follow. So much love to you!
This is why you bring this shit up before you get serious so no one gets hurt it’s not that shed to tell someone I’m polyamory or into swinging or open relationships why wait until your married it makes no sense happened to a friend of mine a very bad situation
legion396 damn… I warned him about this feeling I’d be getting about feeling worthless feeling like I’m not pretty enough feeling like I don’t match up. The real question is is what’s wrong with me why am I not good enough? Is anyone good enough? Don’t I deserve better than this? Don’t I deserve my young man? Our card every day and then I have to worry about what’s going on behind my back. Am I making his life better for his life with his other girl?I don’t know about you but in business I don’t like to invest on something that I don’t know if I’m going to get a return from.
I love you guys. This has really helpful
I am thinking about asking my boyfriend for an open relatiomship since he never wants to have sex? Should I? Or is that a bad idea?
I have a question and am seeking help. I want to try an open relationship for the first time and my partner initially agreed. It was only after 'everything was set in motion' and I asked someone else out did my partner go back against what they said. I know talking about our fears and worries and motivations is still a route we haven't discussed, but our relationship has crashed from stable to borderline-on-the-rocks-breakup within a single day because of this. The person I asked out has no idea that any of this is going on. What should I do?
Any update? Sounds like things didn't go so well.
Any update on how it went ?
You guys are awesome! Thanks for sharing!
My boyfriend is poly and he started dating someone else and hasn't mentioned it to me at all. I'm really scared because I'm not poly and he knows I'm not really comfortable with another person in the relationship :(.
Aww, wow, yes. I can really imagine how that could be feeling for you right now. I know how good it feels for me to be sharing openly with my partner about how we are feeling, what we are desiring, what's exciting us, etc. I also know at times I have felt a part of me that maybe doesn't want to share because of a fear, maybe learned from a past experience, of how sharing could bring up a feeling of lack for my partner. I don't know what your boyfriend is feeling right now, but I know that has definitely come up for me and been something I've enjoyed working through gently with Conor, without us feeling like either of us is required to share, and also feeling like we can share openly about our desires for the other person to share, to become closer, and ultimately gain more intimacy and authenticity with one another.
I'm thinking about you right now and how your heart may be feeling and just feeling so much love! Sending it your way! xoxo-Britt
I would break up with him he went behind your back without ever talking to you your saying your uncomfortable with it best to go serpents ways and find a person who can appreciate you for who you are
That's cheating, not polyamory. Poly people can cheat too. Consent is the key, you did not consent.
@@phorrestnightshade4397 I had issues with exs always cheating on me despite me being openly poly with them. So yes it's not poly if he didn't get your consent. If he was adamant about being with someone else. He should have talked to you about it or suggest breaking up if the idea doesn't work.
Plz tell him that you are not interested
So basically you two met each other through your exes sharing you and then you left them for each other ? Great. Very reassuring.
I would love to hear both of you discuss your views on privacy in a relationship. Do you give each other permission to look at eachothers phones or have each others passwords etc?
Ooh, fun! Great question. We would love to do a video on this! Meanwhile, I think we hit on our feelings about some of this/something related in this video about "secrets": ruclips.net/video/hcucFU9QdGM/видео.html
That's controlling. It's emotional abuse to be checking up on your partner like that. Stop normalizing abuse
I have something I have wanted to ask you guys for a while and I've been afraid to because I can't think of a way to ask that doesn't sound offensive or meanspirited. So here it goes: I'm getting the feeling like it's easier for you guys to feel so free to talk about how awesome polyamory is when you seem to have combined polyamory and monogamy. You get the best of both worlds because you always have each other and yet you also get to connect with others without committing to them. What if you have a polyamorous relationship with other people who also want a lot of your time. e.g: Brit meets say Bob and Bob wants to spend one day a week with her. Then Conor meets Sally and Sally wants to spend one day a week with Conor. Then Brit meets another person, Joe, who she wants to spend another day a week 100% in his company. If this keeps going indefinitely it can really put a spanner in the works of Brit and Conor's current relationship. How would you deal with that hypothetical scenario?
Thanks for this question, Rose! I'm glad you asked. I really understand what you are saying in that while we love connecting with a number of people, we enjoy spending a lot of time and energy in the relationship we share with one another. This is our desire, so this is where our excitement is. There are times when we meet people and enjoy spending a concentrated amount of time with them, either together or on our own, and we do that for a bit. Overall, our experience has been that we are loving sharing connection with one another on the reg. If that shifts it will be because there are other things that are exciting us, so it will be our ideal and it will be fun and awesome. I hope this is helpful!
Thanks for the answer!
I couldn't even share my husband with another woman! No discussion about it. If cheating or sharing with another person becomes an option, I'm out
My girlfriend has another boyfriend and I don’t want that what do I do
im in this situation right now. I dont know how to tell my boyfriend that I want to see other people but still be with him.ive told my immediate family that I think I'm polyamorous and none of them accept me. they all think its impossible to love more than one person at a time. I feel so stuck because I love my boyfriend so much but I want to love other people too. he would be my primary partner but he's completely monogamous. hes also very jealous. im also pansexual and I want to be in a relationship with every kind of person but I'm scared everyone will not accept me. it's getting to the point where im suicidal because I dont think I could ever be happy in this straight, white, monogamous ruled world. the dominant culture might just win because I cant deal with my partners not being able to accept that im with other partners. I just want to be truly myself but this world just wont let me. I want help. I want help because I dont think I can take it anymore.
I hope your in a better sitation now
I'm in a "one sided" open relationship. Me and my boyfriend decided that we wanted this kind of relationship. He can date and sleep with other girls and I love to know about it. It makes me feel powerful. Powerful because I am able to "allow" him something that no other girl would allow, and he loves me for it. But we only do this for fun, it's exciting and he is not looking for something serious, because we are really like soulmates. We have an amazing sex life, so it's not like he's "missing" something in our reltationship. I don't want to sleep with another guy, because I get turned on by knowing that I "belong" to my boyfriend and it makes him seem more dominant, which I loove. The most important thing is to be honest, respectful and to have a good communication :)
How can I be more me that's seems what I'm trying to find out because sometimes I don't know who I am thanks for the great advice!
Yes, I love this. I think that is the question we are always asking :).
thank you
If things are consenstual fine. But if it's not, isn't one partner getting cheated on? My ex started having a relationship and sex with someone else as well as saying they still wanted to be with me. It really hurt me, it was not something I ever consented to. So now we're over. It turned out the new partner wanted his own GF back exclusively. So my partner then wanted me back - but it was too late - the damage of distrust and hurt was done. She would have gone beserk if I'd starting seeing someone else while we were together- and often castigated me for just having attractive female friends. So I couldnt understands her double standards in empathy. It felt like pure selfishness to me - basically cheating on me and then calling it "polyamory" like that word somehow suger coats the betrayal and hurt.
I've found myself in a mono/poly relationship after 8 years of mono/mono. It's a challenging dynamic but you guys are so helpful! Thanks
This is so helpful. I am married and interested in talking to my husband about having an open relationship.
Barbie Pena hey, I want to ask what happened with that?
My husband said no to open relationships but yes to 3somes and wife swaps with people we have a 1 night stand with. He doesn't want us to have anything to do with people we actually know.
he shut that shit down real fast :-( but is okay with wife-swaps and one night stand threesomes.
I am sure he knows what an open relationship is but he finds a swinger type orientation less threatening to his marriage than a more polyamorous type of orientation in the open relationship arena. Now you ask why are they married if they want an open relationship? Before I answer this question let me ask you a few questions.
#1 Why do people marry and have a sexless relationship???? #2 Why do people get married have a sexless relationship and remain married? Sex is small part of many marriages and often it is not part of many marriages. Now to answer your question why are they married if they want to be in an "open relationship", uhh maybe it's because they enjoy having sex with other people and talking about these experiences in their primary bond. They don't believe one night stand spouse swapping is going to threaten their marriage. Lastly, let's address your theory that she proposed open marriage to divorce him and take his money. Uhh if her goal of proposing open marriage was to divorce him and take his money, that would be a foolish strategy since she is having extra-marital sex as well. Either way your opinion sounds very simple minded.
@@BarbiePenaUncensored thank you for sharing. Yeah I'm not so sure about my wife having a sexual relationship with someone we know either, because I think it's easier for feelings to develop that way and therefore it might be tougher with her and I. I would be more comfortable with a one-night stand thing. Maybe. Not really sure :) all I know is, when she chats and talks about how other guys interest her, it turns me on a lot!
My bf wants a open relationship i dont is there a way to compromise and have a partial open relationship with conditions to met in order for me to be willing to open to this. Still on the fence with this.
you should break up and be with someone who wants to be monogamous
No, I'm against it!
Im ok with an open relationship but i dont know if my boyfriend is and I'm afraid if i mention it to my boyfriend it will end/ruin our relationship
Bridgette Wafer you’ll never know if you don’t talk communicate if he’s not into the fact of you sleeping with other people then you should just break up as two avoid hurting him then he already will be and find someone who shares in what you want
If you fear open communication I would re think asking him.
I generally really love your videos, but for some reason this one is striking something in me that I don't like. I understand the thought behind being your own person and doing what makes you happy, but do you think that encouraging people to essentially be selfish, can be reckless? What I got from this video is that if you decide you want to be open or have other partners then do what you want and if your current partner doesn't like it, oh well. Be empathetic to them but continue doing what you want to do. In the context of your life that may work. You both live untraditionally, but in the "real" world people have mortgages and kids and other joint responsibilities and I find that it's completely irresponsible to advise someone to just do what feels good for them at the cost of possibly destroying a family.
Selfish is maybe not the good word. It's more about loving and accepting yourself as you are, it's about being you for real and accepting others as they are, without any expectation or judging. When you feel happy and fully fulfilled, you are an infinite source of love, compassion, empathy, and you are able to give more to the world than ever.
If someone is not truly happy, then they're probably not making their family happy either, so why keep going on with it as it is ? I don't see it as "destroying a family", the connection someone has with their kids won't/shouldn't change because of a divorce. And if the relationship is an authentic one, then both partners know they will support each other no matter what happens, even when things change, even if their relation evolves.. And about mortgages, in my opinion financial situation is not an excuse to stop looking for happiness, and to stop growing. It is more complicated, but not impossible.
This is just simply beautiful Anca. Thank you
We are going to just hand this one off to Anca because she has such a beautiful response. We resonate with every word
@@sosubmiss i am in the same situation
My boyfriend wants me to be in a open relationship and i am tired of compromising my own self for his lack of responsability.
I love him very much but you have to respect your own needs. Either way you will build ressentement and confusion and it hurts both of you.
If you are not going in the same direction, then i am sorry to say "Let it go"
Anca sorry to be so cynical here but chasing FOMO can be simply chasing a false expectation that people need to be more introspective about and weigh up the likelihood of getting what they want. Life cannot simply be molded around your wants and expectations. I very much doubt my ex husband is swimming in a sea of free love and expression of his beautiful soul. In fact I heard he’s quite regretful that he lost the visa in the country he loved. That he threw away just to spite his monogamous wife who didn’t want this bullshit.
My boyfriend said he’s not comfortable being monogamous with me.. that it’s being open or nothing, basically.. he also said he refuses to have a sexual relationship with me.. but he’s okay with being sexual with other people and I’m just conflicted..
That sounds like it could be a tough spot to be in for you. Perhaps taking some time for you to determine what your needs are could be helpful. We would also encourage you to join the Inspiring Authentic Relationships group on Facebook to get some help from other compassionate people navigating authentic relationships. Much love
That's not consent then it's coerced consent. If he entered a monogamous relationship and said he wanted that then later tries to push you into poly that's actually coerced. And it's toxic af. To threaten you into it as well is gross.
My girlfriend says she is polyamorous, I don't want that shit. We are now talking about having a future together I am afraid that she has sex with someone else I will leave. I just don't want to get into something I can't get out of later.
This people talk about only the positive shit of this but they are not looking at the side effects and consequences. This is not the whole truth.
So. Any tips? What should I do?
We opened our relationship with my partner of four years at the beginning of this year and so far it has been AMAZING for me at least. I have met awesome people and had wonderful new sexual experiences and yet - I'm loving my original partner even more than before ♡
They haven't been connecting with anyone else and were first quite skeptical about this arrangement but their best intention is to keep me happy even though they can't be around me all the time so they said yes. And now our relationship is full of passion and I love it ♡
I could go on and on about this but maybe in another comment :P
thank you for inspiring people to be free and more open ♡♡♡
This is so awesome! Congratulations on all the passion and love!!!!!!
"so far it has been AMAZING for me at least"
"They haven't been connecting with anyone else and were first quite skeptical about this arrangement but their best intention is to keep me happy"
Are you really sure your partner is okay with it? Are you're they're not being eaten up inside, out of their love for you?
Just send them the link to this video to broach the subject?