How Do I Explain Polyamory To My Partner?
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- Опубликовано: 13 июл 2024
- How can you explain polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, or open-relationships to your partner? How can you explain these non-traditional relationships to someone who is monogamous minded? It can be challenging but it can also be fun, empowering, exciting, relieving, and help your existing partnership expand. Start by connecting with your truth. Ask the questions: What do I need? What do I want? What do I crave? Then bring curiosity to your partner and ask them the same questions: What do you need? What do you want? What do you crave? Enter into a consensual conversation of co-exploration. Stay open to the potential fears or challenges it could bring up, and stay connected with your truth. Watch the video for more details and be sure to check out our new program, "Opening Up", to help you navigate opening up your relationship from monogamous to polyamorous.
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I'll talk about it with anyone interested, but as a general rule I don't get involved with anyone who needs it explained and is monogamous by nature. It's just not worth the inevitable drama and hassle. You can lay out 100 good reasons for polyamory, and they can accept every one of them on an intellectual level, but if they're not wired for polyamory, it's going to be a sh*t show.
My wife and I have been married for 25 years (together for 29) with 1 teenager and 1 adult child, we've been in an open relationship for 5 years and we really like our life together. I do not advocate on behalf of polyamory or open marriage as its not for everyone and it can fail miserably. We read a lot of information on the topic, watched videos and spoke to couples in open marriage/ relationship before ever attempting it. It's not all dreamy, sunshine and rainbows, but we navigated the waters and we really quite enjoy it. We do not harbour jealousy toward one another but we have both felt feelings of jealousy and or insecurity at one time or another, but once we talked about it and expressed ourselves we came out stronger. We are not property to be possessed or controled, we each have unique needs, and once we came to the realization that one person cannot meet all of our needs, for us, the next logical step was to have interactions with other people. I know many will disagree with me and I'm perfectly ok with that, I respect every persons right to an opinion and freedom of expression. I can't say what's right or wrong for another person nor would I want to, all I can say is to communicate with your partner and hold space for them when they are expressing themselves, approach it with love, patience and understanding. Much love from Canada!
Thanks for sharing your experience here
For weeks I was dreading the conversation with my partner. I finally did it today, your videos have been so helpful. It’s been very a difficult and lonely headspace at times, thank you both
Thank you for this! My boyfriend and I are going on 5 years and have been open and closed, with different initiators each time we've changed it. We may be opening up for good with our growing intimacy and understanding that we are not caged birds, we are liberators and the liberated in one.
I am not poly. However, if someone identifies as poly and wants to engage the other person to "ethical" non-monogamy, it can only work if
they accept this: Infidelity can happen in an ethically non-monogamous relationship too. Sometimes, people in these poly relationships overstep boundaries and betray or deceive their partners multiple times.
Thank you for stating self-responsibility and how your partner(s) chooses to show up.
When we are ourselves, then we get to have authentic relationships.
When we pretend to be someone we think our partner(s) want then we have to explain later why we aren't who they thought we were.
In all honesty, it takes time to establish these levels of vulnerability and trust, so I'm at a point in my relationship were we are practicing ENM and we get the opportunity to discuss all our emotions; hopes and fears; while building ourselves up individually to coexist.
It's actually really an amazing time and I love my partner even more with every new experience we grow into ❤️ It all came from my willingness to be myself in the face of fear of loosing love. Instead we both get more!!
This approach when you were talking about how there can be different parts of you that feel different things and it can feel like a battle because it feels like you have to choose one or the other feeling... That was really helpful. My problem isn't in relation to Polyamory, I just enjoy your content, but this understanding and acceptance for both and all parts of oneself is really helpful. And also knowing that I really don't need approval and acceptance from anyone else because I can give that to myself. God, that's just so useful, thank you for sharing.
Very important.
This is by far my favourite video ever!
This was so beautiful and very resonate
I've been feeling that urgency lately because while I was up front about who I am from the start, we've been monogamous and not able to really discuss it in a way that moves us towards deeper understanding and intimacy. I've been feeling misunderstood for so long and this video is exactly what I needed to check my own heart and my own intentions. Thank you so much.
Thanks for this beautiful share ❤️
I think that it is important to disclose that you are poly upfront in the very beginning. Otherwise it's just like a bait and switch and can be seen as being coercive and manipulative to later try to "hold space for them" while they process feeling the same unworthiness feelings we all have deep down within us. If you are clear about who you are and upfront about what you want from the very beginning, you likely won't have some of these issues at all or cause pain to someone because of your lack of clarity or lack of disclosure. Sometimes people just have a hard time letting go of their attachment to their partner when they really just want to explore other relationships and not feel guilty for abandoning their partner. You can focus on being interested in others outside of the relationship, or you can focus on building more passion and connection within your relationship. Either way is fine, but you have to be clear and direct about what you really want if you don't want to be manipulative and coercive just to get what you want.
Thankyou EXACTLY
I feel like getting into a mono relationship and claiming you want that then later down the line saying we must go poly, is coercive control and manipulation. It should always be upfront as you say.
Not everyone knows they're poly at first tho. Many people are in monogamous relationships for years before they realize they're poly. I don't think a lot of people go into a monogamous relationship knowing full well they're poly. That shit is painful, its the situation I'm currently in. I didn't know I was interested in poly until very recently. And its so painful, its hurts a lot. I don't think people truly realize the pain if causes on both sides. Me and my current partner both have expressed the same sentiment we wish it would just go away, and this never happened.
Such great perspectives...i can relate...even when conflict comes in a deep friendship...thanks so much xxx
Lots of love to you Carolyn!
For some reason RUclips and Instagram aren't suggesting your content to me! I've been thinking about you both and missing you! So I'm hard searching for you to make sure I haven't missed anything. Love you bothhhh
But what if someone just doesn't want to be poly? it's very hurtful to try to coerce someone into a relationship they don't want, even if its in a "gentle and understanding way" , and many people just want to be monogamous, maybe they're not insecure and they just want to be in one type of relationship? You don't want to drag someone into a relationship that they just tolerate because they love you, and cry themselves to sleep at night.
As has been said, no one is advocating that forced polyamory should be a thing. However, if the poly partner and mono partner can't reach an agreement that honors both aspects of each other, then a breakup/restructuring of the relationship may be healthiest
They weren’t offering coercion coaching
Just because I’m polyamorous doesn’t mean my girlfriend has to be. She can date just me and I can date multiple people. She had to learn about it and learn to be okay with polyamory.
This goes both ways. I've been monogamous for so long, knowing that I'm not meant to be with one person...
Isn't it important to share this truth with my partner? To ask them to try something that is outside their "comfort zone" when I had done this for them for so long?
Or would you suggest, like so many before, that we just end and I start all over again??
I'd rather work at my relationship.
This though!!!
Thank you, this helped
5 seconds in and SO HAPPY to see you both
🥰🥰
Perfectly said 😊
It would be really useful to do a role playing , one supporting the side of monogamous partner and the worries and questions coming up and the other partner , displaying what you are saying . Thank u
I gave you both a shout out on Gillian Berry's youtube called "How to Get Over a Breakup"...with Shane Sterling. Because he brought up polyamory.
Hi guys I love ya!!! Just the video I needed
Hi Harrison
So happy to hear that
Sending love
Harrison, you can choose whatever lifestyle, pleases you. However a major warning: It is one thing that you present yourself as an option, not a priority. However, that can lead to that your future partner, also seeing your child as an option instead of a priority. And if you normalize this behavior. You have not just zero sense of responsibility and morality, now you have messed up your child as well. I am not saying this in an attempt to judge you, I only want to inform you.
@@user-lv4ov5rp6d I appreciate all the wisdom I can get 😊
I have a boyfriend and I'm poly I don't know how to tell him cause I don't want to hurt his feelings
What do you do when the feelings of worthlessness don't seem to go away despite trying so hard for multiple years to heal and repair? I understand why my partner wants polyamory, but my feelings of worthlessness have increased so much over the past 2 years of us being open. I've read countless books, been in therapy with poly therapists the entire time we've been dating, have done various IFS and attachment repair courses, and still I find myself overwhelmed by polyamory to the point of complete depressive survival mode spirals. We are to the point of considering just breaking up so they can be poly and so I can be free from that pain. I feel as though my sense of self worth and security has been deeply eroded over the past two years of polyamory, and it really feels like the relationship structure, not my partner. They are incredibly affirming, reassuring, understanding, empathizing, etc.
I think it's best you do break up. It is coerced consent it isn't real consent. Your partner got into a monogamous relationship then later down the line says they want poly and that's the only way you can be with them? That's emotional manipulation. You should break up because it's clear this relationship is destroying you emotionally
When I die, I want my estate to hire Conor and Brittany to come to my wake and brag about how great I was in bed. I feel like people would believe it if it came from them.
I'm not even going to lie, I don't think I will EVER live this life, and I truly believe, there are people who may want to do this, and their partner is not about that life, and crimes of passion can be the result. I'm just speaking my opinion.
Sorry but getting in a relationship with someone monogamous having a monogamous relationship misleading someone then later telling them the relationship has to be poly is NOT CONSENT IT IS COERCED CONSENT
Where does coerced consent even come up though? Like not to be mean but you seem go have a bias against poly relationship. And seem to be calling anything that challenges another person view coerced consent. I watch the video I genuinely can't tell where you're getting this from.
I would also like to add not everyone knows their poly or want to be when they start seeing someone. I didn't, me and my bf started dating at 14. I had no interest in poly relationships until years later. When it even caught me by surprise. Were now in a shitty situation, that were both trying to figure out. Did I coerce him by asking him to consideration the possibility of a poly relationship? Its most a rhetorical question but I'm also asking. Sometimes its not bad to question things in a relationship, he was also a bit reluctant to add sex toys during sex. We had several discussions about it, and talked about insecurities, boundaries, consent. And he change his mind, since then we've both enjoyed the addition and plan to expand. Was that also coercive? From my perspective it just seems your throwing around the term, unless there's something I missed in the video.
Thank you so much for this perspective 🙏🏻🤍
My pleasure!