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The reason we don't work as primary partners
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- Опубликовано: 14 мар 2023
- This video responds to one of the most asked questions about what Brittany and Conor's relationship looks like now and the reason why it has evolved in this way. We hope to continue to offer both personal clarity and helpful insights. Thanks for being here with us!
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The grass is greener where you water it. I think Conor has grown in his emotional desires and goals. It feels good to have a solid relationship that you commit to despite chemistry, attractions and interest you might have with others. Could my husband and I find other partners? Absolutely. But do we want a lifetime of chasing every dangling jewel? No. What we have is shiny, beautiful and precious because we value it and invest into it.
Beautifully said❤
Amen!
Yes! Love this comment. This is why polyamory never appealed to me and seemed like something that just works in theory. I have watched C&B videos for a few years however, but because I genuinely enjoy their content. Mainly witnessing how they communicate; it's actually taught me a lot
Well said
But that's what they are talking about the whole video, right? They are talking about a nuance and both of them did not feel right in the relationship. If it were your case with your husband, you would feel it. I am happy for you, you guys found each other with the same vision.
I love that Connor is talking for himself without trying to edit for what always seemed like Britney’s plan.
I'm as monogamous as they come, but i have to say, i have learned so much from you guys. About relationships, both romantic and platonic, myself, other people,...i could go on and on. But the most important lesson i've learned is that we need to give ourselves and others room to grow, change is okay and shifts can be positive. Thank you for teaching me about all of these dimensions of love!
Very much the same for me as well.
I align more with Conor's sentiment on commitment. I've been married 16 years have 3 children, and it has only gotten better. It's gotten stronger, more solid, more relaxed, more convenient, more fun, more calm, more centered.
I love both of you and I don't want to sound harsh, but this feels honest for me... I feel like Britni's life philosophy is self centered, and I have always been about the other person, without neglecting my needs. I would never keep myself open to what may or could be better, because I made a promise to my husband. I'm committed to that and the building up of that with all of me, and for life, with every cell of passion in my body. It's made me a beautiful world full of so much love. I am made more because of my love for him and our children.
This man is kind, loving, unselfish, committed, hard working, fatherly, fun and funny, prone to whimsy, but also so solid and steadfast.
This feels safe and secure for me. We've built up a tiny empire of love, trust, and commitment that will live on far after we are gone, in the hearts of our children, and everyone who has been able to see our love in action.
Way more in alignment with Conor. Just like with life in general, there are weeks, maybe months, where partnerships don't feel good. But if you have a commitment in place, you won't be as quick to allow yourself to jump ship during those rough patches. Building that kind of trust is what life is all about, in my humble opinion and lived experience.
And if you've ever truly been in love through the years you've weathered many storms and even potential breakups and traumas, but guess what happens if you continue to try? You fall in even deeper love. You fall back in love again and again and again. That's the most magical thing.
"You're not wrong. You can only be right. It's good to know where you are."
So simple yet I needed to hear this (the reason I love watching this channel) ❤️
Fascinating. I can tell this is truly where your divide is because I've never seen you guys talk over each other so much in a video before! Thank you for being so honest in this!!
Seeing you guys disagree with each other is a breath of fresh air.
I'm so glad that Conner has found a new love 💕
Same ❤ he is such a catch!
Me too
He has taken so much crap from the queen bee.
@@pj3998 ---I always wondered why he tolerated that. She led him by the nose
@@pj3998 He’s an empath…
Not one to usually comment buut I’ve been watching you guys since I was about 16…I’m 26 now. I want to thank you for the continued vulnerability, thoughtfulness and WISDOM you guys bring. Seeing you guys interact over the years has allowed me to see the possibility of depth that relationships can go - no matter the form it takes. Truly inspiring! This is a beautiful transition and I say this without discounting the work and pain that I can tell it took to get there.
Wishing you the best 🙏🏿
Absolutely felt this comment. Yes! ✨
What a beautiful comment to read
I started watching them when i was about 16 or 17 as well and now I’m 25 💗 i definitely resonate with this!
I don’t even remember when I started watching them. There was a lot more acro-yoga with striped trousers and vlogs going on. I had no kids, they had no kid, and they looked at each other in another way. So many years and a lot of things passed.
Thanks for the update:-)
Me too! 17, now 27. It’s like I grew up with them and they partly raised me ❤
Your commitment to and ability to communicate clearly and respectfully is an inspiration to me.
Much agreed.
As soon as Bridget came into the picture (in the videos), I immediately sensed this difference between you guys that you are now describing. I even had a convo with a friend and explained how interesting this change was that I felt like Conor deep down wanted a person as a “forever” person with safety and Brittany wasn’t set on that idea. At the time I felt very sad for Conor bc it all felt out of his control. How you guys explained the “desire” vs the “need” of how you relate to another person outside of the primary partnership explains it really well imo. I’m glad you guys were able to come to this understanding between the two of you ❤
This relationship has been spiraling down for the past few years. I think when Britney chose someone else over Conor it was kind of eye opening to him as far as how important he really is to Britney. I also think the way they use language is kind of dishonest. They talk all around the issue without actually naming it. I feel there’s some friction between the two especially when they talk about the other partners. It’s almost like they are taunting each other with the fact they have other partners that are working better for them.
I especially appreciated when B says that C didn’t feel safe with her and I feel that was showing thru on the videos. Obviously women are going to have an easier time in open style relationships and B made it clear she wasn’t going to hold back just to make someone else feel safe. She probably felt that C was holding her back because he didn’t feel safe and him feeling safe meant she would have to do things differently. This doesn’t seem to be something B is interested in doing.
It also just occurred to me that Britney said that since Bridget showed up she’s been more committed to Conor but I just had to laugh. Conor moved out because he didn’t want to live with Britney and her romantic partner. So Britney chose Bridget over Conor.
I totally agree with you! I hate how they talk in circles. It very simple, Brittany wasn’t into him anymore and he wanted more of a commitment. He wanted a primary partner and she didn’t or at least she didn’t want him to be her primary partner. They sugar coat everything it’s so annoying.
I agree, why make it complicated when it’s so obvious. Bizarre.
I agree! I find Connor more honest actually. Brittany speaks in rainbows and bunnies lingo, not actually saying much but gibberish. Don't get me wrong, I've been watching them for years and it's been an interesting journey but I feel that if you are going to share your life openly and give advice then you should be honest and fill in the blanks. Brittany especially candy coats things and it's really getting annoying. Just be real for once and tell it like it is. Also how does Bridget feel about Brittany seeing other people and what about Flora too? So many unanswered questions. I get this is also a business for them and I suppose they must be doing OK but really if they were more transparent and honest perhaps they'd do even better.
I think Brittany lost more than Conor did when their relationship ended, although it might have seemed the opposite at the beginning. Conor really seems to know what he wants and seems to be at peace with himself. At 11:00 when Brittany said that he had a better resonance with Bridgette with Conor, I couldn't help but think that she is confusing a "better resonance" with being freshly in love when your hormones are going crazy. I mean, she and Conor had a few amazing years together and when the initial craziness for each faded away, Bridgette came into play...the question is, whether Brittany would choose Bridgette over Conor if she met both of them at the same time. If we all lived according to her philosophy, we could easily change partners every 2-3 years in the hope of finding THAT person that we most resonate with. I bet we would be disappointed to find that THAT person doesn't exist. That is also one of the reasons why people tend to cherish stable long-term relationships when they get older: fewer people are romantically interested in us when we get older and we have fewer chances to choose from, so the philosophy "I will be with whom I resonate more" doesn't pay off anymore.
I think you maybe misunderstand Brittany. She is talking about divine resonance. A connection with someone so strong that you feel you have to explore it, maybe that is romantically or not, and see where the universe takes you. You said, “according to her philosophy we could change partners every 2-3 years in hopes of finding that person we roseate with” however, again she is talking about already having a connection and not breaking up and hoping to find one again. She isn’t simply talking about crushes but actual deep connections.
Well observed @sasavs
I agree. It's an emotionally immature stance to take that you go wherever there's resonance.
that sounds a bit like fear based commitment. Not everyone would be disappointed that "the ONE" doesn't exists . .. because not all of us ever believed they did. Being solo doesn't always inspire fear or regret. Missing out on amazing connections because I'm stuck on finding "the one" spells regret for me. We're still allowed to talk about polyamory here, right?? Your question of Brittany would choose Bridgette over Conor doesn't really apply in a polyamorous context, that's one of the awesome benefits of this relationship structure.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 do you have a source for that? I'm curious about emotional maturity, I do build my life on playfulness a lot and haven't explored this topic very scientifically. Since you are a Dr. maybe you could point me in the right direction?
Selfishly … I feel like I am grieving the romantic partnership between the two of you. And also I love you so much and love where you both are. So so proud of you two and grateful for your family.
We love you too!
I relate to Connor more.
I believe that relationships, if approached right, do guarantee both freedom to explore the world and advance ourselves and grow together, as well as security to feel safe and supported no matter what, which is not just a social need, but also an inspiration to be the best we can be. Being in a relationship shouldn't limit us, shouldn't become our prison, but a foundation to grow both together and individually, having an absolute freedom to be who we are.
And of course, just like you both said, there will be times when you meet other people you resonate with, but that desire to pursue them doesn't need to be acted upon. Life is about priorities, and prioritizing desires over long lasting commitments seems to be a very insecure way of behaving. Ultimately, everyone should pursue what feels right for them, but personally for me, the monogamous relationship I'm in is the most loving, supportive and safe relationship I've ever been it. I feel completely free to pursue whatever I want it life, at the same time knowing that there's always someone I can rely on, cheering for me and my goals. And I'm always there to support them as well.
Seems like it would be hard on a nervous system to always be unconsciously hypervigilant that your partner is open to replacing you if they meet someone they like better.
I wonder how Bridgette has learned to live comfortably with Brittany's 'calling' to be poly as she herself identified as monogamous.
I guess it fuels the passion though...
Applies in monogamy and poly
You said it perfectly well. I have felt exactly this from someone with whom we had mono relationship. It's terrible, it makes you insane and especially if you are highly sensitive. It left traumas in me that years didn't heal and only very conscious work on myself did.
@@anna-mariamarkova9584Yep. Turning love into a competition is the problem
As someone who is more monogamous in relationship; I relate to both needs, in different ways. Commitment in relationship is appreciated, and I relate to Connor's view point of not 'needing' (or even desiring, on my end) to explore every potential options, but rather more interest in diving deep with the one that resonates. I also understand Brittany's sentiment of , if the shoe eventually does not fit, to not try to force it to fit. I also relate to Brittany's need for freedom, however, less so in relationship... To me, I need to be free to travel, to pursue my passions, to have space and time for myself, to do what I want, to not have a conventional job, and to live life on my own terms... Showing up in monogamy with a good, healthy partner does not mire or restrict these things for me.
I have the same, I need a lot of freedom but not in a relationship in itself. I need freedom to evolve, I need freedom to be myself.
Even somehow freedom in a relationship for me is that I'm free to be in an exclusive relationship. That feels like a freedom to me.
I'm free to be myself!
@@you-vi2tmReal freedom can only be found within limitations. This is the fractal nature of reality. Beyond the edges of the fringe, dis-integration, breaking apart, and ultimately chaos will present. Observe for yourself and find it to be true…
The energy in this felt much more awkward than usual and I think you guys are finally starting to be completely truthful with your audience. You've built your brand on polyamory but it's been obvious for many over the last few years that you've been struggling with aspects of it. I truly hope you can both find happiness. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with someone, it doesn't mean the love and connection you had before will not have happened.
"built your brand on polyamory" THIS. I think that's why they often seem to speak indirectly about what's been going on. They definitely have a strong brand identity and company assets all based in polyamory/open relationships/non-monogamy. It's gotta be tense behind the scenes at C&B headquarters when they discuss the future of the brand.
I guess it's all individual perspective because I felt so relaxed and smiling and secure while watching this. Witnessing 2 people navigating their needs, discussing their differences and still honouring a connection. I thought it was really beautiful to see.
@@BrilliantHumanyup.. bc you’re grounded and observing. i feel like the comments above are mostly judgy and projecting
Yep. I've watched them on and off for a few years. Usually feels weird but this was just awkward.. hope they find their Happiness and Bliss soon.
Although it's unfortunate to watch your romantic partnership come to an "end", I still completely support each of you and your decision to do what's best for each other. If one thing remains true is you BOTH allow and encourage each other to live your very best lives, and that's not easy to come by. Thank you Connor and Brittany for continuing to show up for your viewers, and allowing us a small peek into your lives!
I love this comment. It actually made me cry. I feel the same way 💙 unconditional love is what comes to mind.
I was with a partner monogamously for 7 years and we split because I didn’t want to marry him. I knew there was someone else for me. Then I met someone I was crazy about and dated him for two years but ended the relationship because I was unhappy. Not feeling loved or valued. It’s okay to move from one partner to another. I couldn’t have stayed with my first partner, even though we were happy. Life is an experience. You don’t have to stay with one person forever. ❤
I hope you guys never stop making content! I've been watching you two forever and the way you communicate is so inspiring, the love is always so present as well. I've learned so much from you both. A tiny part of me is sad that your relationship has changed but it's also so refreshing to see how you've dealt with it in such a healthy mature way. Ilya is so lucky to have such amazing parents.
Aww so happy to read this!
ahhh i feel like conor just needs to flat out say that healthy and authentic monogamy (which can be flexible in different circumstances or evolve) is where he currently feels comfortable.
I think he has always been monogamous
But he said he still wants the freedom to have sex with other people and fall in love with other people…as long as it doesn’t take away from the committed partnership?
@@meganngeorge But how is it that different from Brittany's perspective?
@@87enoughBULL their partnership was disrupted by Bridget (I don't mean that negatively)- conor no longer was the primary partner. This is what I am understanding from it
@@87enoughBULL Technically monogamy in this day and age is to have a single romantic and sexual partner at a single point in time. And the boundaries are discussed within that context about what is accepted/okay and not accepted/okay like watching porn, casual flirting etc. But having a single romantic and sexual partner is fixed.
As it approaches the border and becomes monogamish, its not being sexually exclusive. So a single romantic partner but sexually open.
Then as it goes farther and farther to the other spectrum, it reaches polyamory where there is no single, exclusive romantic and sexual partner. There's the space to have both romantic and/or sexual partnerships with others.
The main difference at this end of spectrum is relationship anarchy and hierarchical relationship.
In hierarchical, there's a primary, committed, pair bonded relationship. A central relationship with other satellite relationships. But the primary, central is always the main one, having importance over others.
In relationship anarchy, all are seen as of same value.
So both are polyamorous. Conor is in a hierarchical, pair bonded, primary polyamorous relationship with Flora, currently in a monogamous phase, but still open to love and sex with others in future, if so.
And that's the difference between Conor and Brittany. He wants a hierarchical one and she the other. Atleast that's what I understood.
Hope I made it clear.
PS: Personally I feel relationship anarchy is impractical for the vast majority of people and rather than juggling two or three or four, its better to focus on one stable and deep partnership, at most two if the first is on a really really solid footing and I mean really really solid. One has to be practical and prioritise as there's only so much time and energy.
My two cents -
All of us want love, intimacy at the end. I define them as such.
Love (Bell Hooks definition) - as an act of will, an intention and action to put one's self out there for flourishing of one's self and the other's inner growth
Intimacy - deep understanding and acceptance of the other, an emotional closeness without any romantic, sexual flavour.
And love doesn't have to be from romantic partnerships, its also from family, friendships and from deep within oneself as a sense of Being after one does the necessary spiritual work. Love brings intimacy and family, friendships, and personal spiritual work fulfill that too, romantic path is not the only way.
Also a good romantic relationship has to be built on the foundation of good friendship, good emotional intimacy. Romance, sex is an additional layer on top of that good friendship.
Then even if the romance fades away, the good friendship will remain.
If not, the romance will lose its steam quick and collapse probably.
Long time viewer here.
I love the beginning where Connor steps into his power of ‘let’s air it all out.’
So refreshing and such an ode to his growth and confidence in himself and where he stands in life.
I think he’s always been a confident man but this video just translates to beautiful growth.
Maturity and life experience and learning from relationship experience.
Love love love ❤
This might sound like a back-handed comment but....if "beating around the bush" was a person, you guys would win an Oscar...lol!! Seriously all love though...thanks for the vlogs!
Exactly!!!!!!
Totally agree. They talk in circles about absolutely nothing on every video.
agreed!
RIGHT?! So intensely this!!!
Haha peace and love and I feel the same 😄
Aw man I’m just seeing how much heartbreak the two have you been through together in the previous few years. I definitely see lots of bravery and fear and love and admiration for each other happening. Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to learn through your experiences.
I feel like I probably value safety over freedom. But the main thing that I want from another person is full transparency. Hiding nothing, which creates the feeling of safety for me. Which also plays into freedom because I want to have and the person I'm in relationship with to have full freedom to go with what feels fully resonant in every moment and have the safety to be fully honest with eachother about that. So they go hand in hand for me but I think in order to feel fully free in a relationship I need to feel safe first and foremost. If that makes sense. Really loved this video so much I am commenting twice. Thanks so much for sharing guys. Really inspiring.
I think I align with Brittany. As I constantly grow and change and gain new perspectives, the idea of committing to a future I think I want now and making choices based on that for the rest of my life is terrifying. I feel like I would lose myself completely if I tried, like I would become my script. I've found safety in flow, in the freedom to move with it. It does feel a bit icky that we are suddenly talking about commitment and nonmonogamy as mutually exclusive, but that's likely just my gut reaction to the discomfort of my years of practicing the opposite being challenged.
i actually suffer from that without having any partnerships. I had so many ideas, ideologies, plans, callings, commitments since childhood, and by pushing myself to pursue that instead of checking in (connecting) with myself moment by moment to really feel into my PRESENT moment what i really want NOW has made me burnt-out and depressed. It is also extremely hard to change such strongly and deeply wired habits. So yeah, i’m extremely grateful for Brittany leading by example 💚
I resonate so much with Connor and what he's saying. It's like having best of both worlds. The security of a mono relationship and the freedom of the poly relationship. The perfect balance. ❤
Gosh Conor I could listen to you all day. You have grown so much and are so so wise beyond your (30+) years. Continue to take care of yourself and so happy you are staying true to what’s alive for you too ❤
Thanks for watching! xoxo
I get a weird vibe that maybe Connor is still hurt by brittnee's décision to replace him with another partner and that maybe he doesn't really want to be friends anymore.
I am much more in alignment with Conor! I love working through the good and the bad dedicated to my husband. It means so much to me that we have a commitment to each other.
It's so beautiful to see you two discuss these sensitive topics. Thank you for showing an example of discussion about sensitive things with such grace and dignity. It seems only natural that as our life circumstances change, we change, and what makes us feel safe changes. And when you have commitments to yourself about experiencing a worthwhile existence within the weird confines that money and time and energy give us, relationship dynamics change, and it's beautiful that these inevitabilities can happen with such dignity and respect for each other.
This video feels like back in the day you guys. I missed these real ass raw ass conversations. I love the both of you so much and truly wish you all the happiness in the world. ❤
This conversation made me think about how our early childhood experiences can impact how we perceive “safety” in relationship with others later in life. Conor’s parents having been in a long term marriage and Brittany experiencing divorce. I wonder how that has impacted your perspectives today.
My understanding of this topic has been that you can be in a committed relationship with one person if that is what you desire. When that is what you truly want, more than being open in that way with other people, breaking that commitment is not so tempting. The other option is to prioritize other aspects of life over the relationship. Neither option is right or wrong of course, but I think it can certainly be less complicated to stick to one primary partner. But if that is not important or a priority for you, the other option may be worth it! I think it’s just about knowing what is most important to you in life and following that. We can want commitment and freedom in relationships for reasons based on fear but we can also want them out of desire and passion. Basically, as usual. it all depends 😜
Good point. I resonate with Brittany a lot. Although my parents are happily married for 30 years. But they both worked a lot when I was a kid. So I spent a lot of time with my grandparents my nanny, aunts and other relatives aswell. I never had this "one best friend" as a kid. But I remember building closer friendships with many different children and beeing sad when one of them moved away, even when we weren't that close anymore at some point. Still prefer relationships to be more open. I though a lot about if I might just be a commitment phobic. But I never had any trust issues in romantic relationships or any desire to leave when things got more serious. But something just feels better and "more safe" to me when I have more space for myself, other aspects of my life and other people.
Understanding these differences is so important. And I very much appreciate that you're sharing your differences WITHOUT shaming or acting like one version is inherently better than the other. I've definitely seen a LOT of shame being piled on those who practice hierarchical polyamory. There are unique potential pitfalls with it (like all relationship structures), and it's valid to discuss those; but there are a lot of valid ways to practice having a "primary partner", too.
I go in and out with watching Conor and Brittany as this is not the path I would choose to go down, but I find it really interesting. I do feel that Conor was almost like a 3rd wheel in the past and I would feel bad for him. It appeared (to me) that he was waiting for Brittany to join him where he was in the journey, but she never did and found Bridget and he appeared (to me) to be almost excluded. Then he found someone else to partner with and Brittany's jealousy which she is so open about, is the glue that binds them more than her love for Conor. This works for them so more power to them.
Conor, you have your power back. Congratulations to you and flora.
While I have always been hyper-monogamous and I am very commitment-oriented, listening to these two make a case for “safety” versus “freedom” made me realize something - I would not be happy with a safety that was devoid of growth. I need change, exploration, variety, new horizons - WITH the same committed partner. To unveil new aspects of one another continually (as opposed to seeking that newness in the form of a completely different person). If someone told me that I could have all the safety and commitment in the world, but this is it, the relationship will never grow any deeper than it is now, we will never delve deeper into one another, we will never grow and come up with new things to share together - I would not want that at all!
I totally resonate with you! Need that change, new adventures, deeper conversations. Being able to just talk about anything and everything without being judged.
Brittany. I can feel your relief and honesty. Connor I can feel your happiness. I have watched you guys for 9 years. It’s really awesome to see you both sitting in yourselves like never before❤
I wonder what Brittany means when she talks about "resonance" with people. What exactly is she describing? Is it a feeling, a cognition, an impulse, a vibe, shared beliefs/values, or something else? A resonant tone is deep and strong so perhaps she means a deep and strong feeling toward someone.
Ooh, I love that you ask this question. Hm.. it feels like it depends on the person and circumstance. It feels like...the alchemy we create together. Maybe the resonance is in how we dance together, or how we co-parent, or how we do business together, or how we make love, or all of the above. There is a feeling of being in complete flow with myself while the other person is in complete flow with themself and together we are in complete flow... that's how it's coming through to be named right now
Thank you for sharing! I follow you guys for a few years and and could feel and see this shift in your guys' relationship. Glad to see how you work throught it. Sending so much love 🤍
Around minute 7:00, yes I totally feel that Conor, the difference between desire and need. And the style of primary partnership, while still open is what my husband and I used to be (monog for right now) and it worked really well for us.
Brittany, what a cool style, following your heart style, you have one of the most free spirits on RUclips, and an intriguing way of portraying it. Happy for your both of you
I personally believe for me, this comes down to commitment to a partner vs commitment to yourself. After many years of experiencing these dynamics, I don't believe it's EVER possible to be 100% committed to a partner, and 100% committed to yourself at the same time. There are always the people who choose commitment over their personal wants or desires. And then there are people who will always choose themselves before ANYONE ELSE. I think both can be beautiful. No one is in the wrong. I think it just depends on what matters more to you in the end.
You two are cute. I could see whenever you guys brought in Bridget that Connor seemed to be sorta the 3rd wheel. I think it is great that he has found someone that he can feel safe with and that you can feel freedom with. For myself being in a committed relationship has always worked. I don't have the need to find someone else. So I guess I would go with Conor. 😊
Connor is looking so well and in his power right now! Great to hear from both of you, being raw as always ☺️🙏
It would be so cool to get an update on whether or not Conor and Britt’s sexuality has changed over the course of their partnership! It seems like Brittany is a lesbian at this point, and that meeting Bridgette changed things for her
I’ve been watching you guys since the beginning. As always I appreciate you sharing. Sending love to all.
Y’all remember the triad? I’m glad they’re in a good place now.
Is Bridgette poly too? I thought she was monogamous. I haven't kept up with too many of the more recent videos so I'm not sure if that dynamic has changed since you first started dating. Happy to see you both happy & looking forward to future videos ✨
The graciousness you both bring to the process between you is such a wonderful thing to observe. The 'so small but so significant' difference that you're referencing here is exactly the thing that preoccupies me at the moment, having invested in non-monogamous, committed relationships for twelve years now, and in a period of sustained heartbreak. I'm intrigued by the language of 'safety' and 'freedom', and how each of these very essential qualities confront people subjectively when they're in relationships with others. I don't wanna get too philosophical either (Conor!) but it seems to me to be something really vital and juicy to get confronted with, and to be able to engage with that confrontation in full communication whilst still in relationship, in a family, as allies to one another... it's just so cool. I really got a kick out of this video.
We think you're so cool too! 💓
How has this changed co parenting? Do you plan on bringing more children into the family?
I love that you guys are having this conversation! It’s so important. As long as ilya is happy and healthy that’s really the most important thing. ❤ relationships change and that’s okay! Changes may hurt but in the end it’s the best thing. I can relate to the safety aspect Brittany, I’m healing from unsafe relationships so I have wounds. Partners should grow together and that’s beautiful ❤❤❤
Such a great video! Very helpful to hear these different perspectives/approaches. Definitely something I've been trying to figure out for myself as well.
Wow. This was definitely the video I was looking for. I love that you both recognize where you differ in something so big and important, and then recognized the importance of the shift in partnership. So admirable.
For your tally, I definitely resonate with Conor. I don’t feel in my current marriage and relationship the need to look elsewhere or feel open to connect elsewhere. However, I believe in the freedom aspect as well. I’m interested to see how others feel.
I am so glad you guys talked about this, and could share these kinds of realisations. I've followed you for 7+ years now, and my own journey , partnerships and the being that I am have changed immensely throughout that time. I always come back to see how you go through these challenges. My comment started with typing about my insecurities with my current dynamic and ended with me deleting them because I realised at least part of what i need, though I don't know how to get there, and i realisied that I align with Conor, which i didn't know before typing. As always thank you for sharing your journey.x
Wow, so much to say! I think it's great you guys made a video addressing this, and I love that you've done it in your own way. I think it's easy for a lot of people to look at where you both are now and just say "oh, so they broke up"...look, I've been a longtime fan of you both, and I think anyone else who has been would probably understand that it's not a black and white situation (as nothing really is in life). I just hope you both are happy!! I also hope that followers of your channel can understand that you are doing this and will verbalize these changes in your own way! The way you both articulate your thoughts and feelings are a huge reason I fell in love with the both of you, your channel, and relationship. You always inspire me to take my time with my thoughts and feelings and...yeah, just thank you both so much for still having the bravery to continue to put yourselves out there for the world in such a vulnerable way. Sending so much love to your family always!
What you two are sharing here is probably the most monumental video I've watched so far over the years. With no ego based talk you've highlighted the epitaph of community and what it means to truly "hold hands" through life with people we love provided we have one true goal. That is supporting each other's truth. This really comes full circle in prioritizing love before fear. It's interesting for me when I think of where I fall in my own vision and it's somewhere between where you two stand. My wife and I have unavoidable hierarchy as we're married. Though otherwise loyalty and earnestness is important to us both. Travel (together but also separate) our families, considerate independence. Having our own personal spaces. May mean living in different spaces at some point. With those values that bring a lot of anarchy in a way, I feel strong in our bond that when we're active in polyamory we support eachother pursuing closeness with others and from there it creates a bond in of itself that feels in quality like life partner stuff. That type of thing where you look at eachother without words and it speaks "I've got you, I always will". That I think even if we weren't romantic... Man... She'd still be a life partner for me. Maybe that's what it is. I really value life people and everything that makes up each of our special unique little energy forces we share. Human me has a threshold though of like three romantic partners though. I'm sure that offers some security lol my life vision feels a lot like the child of your visions. So thank you both for birthing and shaping my vision through the years. An influence that reminds me everything's going to be alright
I love how respectful you are of each other when speaking and sharing. Goals ❤
What an intelligent, open, honest, mature, transparent, raw, and beautiful conversation♥️ Thank you for sharing and helping give a blueprint for what a healthy relationship looks like. I’m a psychotherapist and I can tell you what you both have with each other and your partners is so very healthy. This is the way all relationships should function. How refreshing it is to watch this!
My husband is that kind of person who NEVER has jealousy or concern about our relationship. Not for a sec. I wish I could be more like him.
I love the open communication and care that was taken to make this video. Thank you so much for showcasing a truly honest and intimate conversation on the nuances of the human condition. Very interesting and wonderful to see, I wish more of us could be so open and kind towards one another.
I love seeing these discussions between you! It’s great for people to see what love looks like off of the relationship escalator. Loving each other doesn’t always involve romance or sex, but that doesn’t make it any less powerful or real.
Thank you for seeing us
I love seeing you work through together in relationship no matter how you describe it, you are both open and show how people can safely be themselves in whatever dynamic resonates the most to yourself. Love seeing you all working together in this deep and meaningful way.
I love seeing you two interact. Still so much love and joy and it's sooooo nice to witness. I love you guys 💖💖
Thank you for sharing this, you didn’t owe this video to any of us followers but I am so grateful for it regardless. It’s nice to know a bit more a what happened after seeing your relationship change over the last couple of years.
You are so welcome!
I appreciate this so much. Thank you guys. You named and discussed concepts that are very hard to pinpoint, and I totally understood the struggle to even find words for them, because words just can’t fully express those existential concepts. Thank you for the effort and for getting the juices flowing for so many people throughout the years, including me, on finding our own ways to navigate relationships and life. I appreciate how you put yourselves out there in whatever form you are flowing at the moment with honesty and generosity, never pretending to know it all, never even pretending to be completely clear about anything if you are not. I feel I relate to Brit the most. Brit, you named something that is at the core of my being, that idea that commitment alone can’t carry you through a relationship “for life.” There is valuing of commitment, there is desiring it, but there is also the awareness that life happens and we flow in different directions sometimes. To me it has to do with the idea that the “forever” part is not what gives a relationship its value. It can’t be. It is not in my hands, as much as I may want it to be. I can commit, I can love immensely, but I have to acknowledge that flexibility, otherwise it just doesn’t feel authentic or real. I must admit, I wonder sometimes if this comes from some sort of trauma. But I also feel it can just be the way some of us are wired. Anyway, thanks. So happy for you both. Look forward to continuing to witness your journey. Much ❤❤❤❤
And just to add one thing, a way I would put this debate is: are you committed to a person (to the whole of who they are, including their growth and evolution, and possibly changes) or are you committed to the relationship structure. It may be more one or the other, or can be anywhere in the middle. I have a tendency to desire the commitment to a person, meaning that if the specific type of relationship we have has to end, it can morph into another type where we still sustain the love and commitment to that person. I’m willing to lose a relationship structure, but I want to be able to keep the person in my life. I want to be able to still want the best for them and viceversa. From the beginning with you guys I got the sense you were committed to each other as humans, and you’ve consistently shown that. The kind of love you still have for each other now that your lives and relationship looks so different is inspiring. To me you are a success.
I love your openness and vulnerability in sharing your relationships and journey. I have learned so much and it's helped me so much to know what I do and do not want in relationship both romantic and platonic. Thank you both for being such beautiful and brave souls 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
“I like it about you and I like it about me” so powerful
you guys... I am watching your videos for over 5 or 6 years now, you inspired me so much to find my own truth in terms of being in partnership and I am now at a point where I can sense what I really want. It has always resonated more with what Conor shared in this video but trying out other forms was important for me to really become aware of that and choosing me over and over again. You really touched my heart with your sharings, maybe because I know you for so long now and it is just so nice to see the love and respect and the fun you both still share. Love you!
Love you Clara!
Thank you for this, the end where you were laughing and joking and touching was my favourite. I have watched you guys from the beginning and I have to say I had some feelings when you told us you had changed the dynamics. I am the hopeless romantic that wants to see everyone stay in love, this video shows that you still love each other very much and it’s beautiful. ❤️
Loved reading your reflection
The universe is just amazing!! I have spent the last few days writing out my feelings on the type of relationship I want. A person I was dating said he wants to understand better. He is still very unsure of what he wants or what would work for him. I found articulating what I feel so difficult, but it was a very helpful exercise to write it out. Just as I'm finishing up, boom you post this video. And you both articulate a lot of what I wrote also. I resonate very much with Conor. I used to think I wanted a very open style relationship like Brittany, but I read Esther Perel's book "Mating in Captivity" where she discusses these competing needs for safety and freedom. It made me realize that the issue is much more complex and for me likely would not be solved by being with multiple people. I am 26 and honestly very grateful and proud of myself for realizing these things about myself at such a young age before I choose the person I want to commit to. Feeling positive about the future :) Thank you as always for your vulnerability and openness.
what about having no partner for a while?
I sense a maturing in each of you..freedom is so important to be able to discover ourselves in all our aspects. And then perhaps there comes a point where "freedom" feels right in a committed partnership with one person and going deep in that. I'm on that journey now after struggling for many years feeling "trapped" in a relationship. When I finally stepped out of that relationship structure I found that I really wanted a deep committed relationship after all, and have gratefully found a wonderful man to try that with..go figure!
I’ve been looking forward to this video for a long time. I’ve sensed it coming.
I’ve been married to the same man 20 years and we also have additional partners - there’s something extremely magical about a committed relationship with a human to weather the storms with and still explore experiences with other people as they arise.
When you find the safety in a person who truly sees you - life gets so much sweeter (even in the darker moments).
I’m glad you two can still be friends and honor each other as you are
You both are so beautiful. The first time I saw this I projected my insecurities on your interaction and thought that there is something off, but now seeing it for a second time, I see how you are both showing up for each other in the best possible way with the utmost love. Thank you for sharing yourselves here with us! Much love!
As an older woman, I value safety and commitment. A few years ago , my husband was falling for a much younger co-worker and I felt so afraid. I am on disability and he supplements my income. At this age, one has to be practical. We have a really good marriage now and each have our own tiny house on the same property and share six pets. We do our own thing, but come together for companionship once in a while.It has become the perfect marriage for us. I am glad to see you both in a healthy place. The fact that you make it work as a family is the best thing for your little boy, who will grow up feeling loved and well adjusted. I wish that my ex could have co parented that way with me...
Wow this is so relevant right now for me and very enlightening... thanks and hope you two keep making videos together regardless of where your individual paths lead
Thank you for sharing these very personal feelings and thoughts! I am very happy that you found new loves.
Glad for your peace now BUT there was a very long time when you were making videos saying how wonderful your triad was. Many people pointed out to you the obvious pain. Why the denial?
Thank you for making this video. It’s good to hear what’s going on.
Commitment create security and a sense of safety with the consistency. Having a space that no one else can enter no matter what. It’s a choice everyday to love that person and grow together.
I saw the divide begin when Bridgette entered the picture after Ilya was born. Brittany moved through so much emotional and childhood wounds surface. As though heal, it will be interesting to see how B & B relationship unfolds after this feminine nurturing need fades.
Conor I’m glad you are getting your core needs met and I side with you on the importance of the primary relationship and the stability it creates in one’s life. ❤
I haven’t completely finished the video yet but what a wonderful topic. I love how you guys figured out those core differences and are able to now offer each other something much better for your situation. There is still love and respect and of course raising a little human and being in alignment there. I resonate with Connor’s philosophy as that’s how my 15 year marriage has been. It’s monogamously (is there even a word) free. Haha! So far we have explored and ventured but prefer more of a monogamous situation as that’s what brings us the most pleasure. I loved what you both agreed on which is there is no “wrong”. It’s absolutely right for each of you. Thanks for sharing this. It really helped me heal from the teeny bit of sadness I had to the two of you not being primary’s anymore. I’m happy that you guys are in the gardens you are meant to be in right now. So many blessings. 🙏❤️✨
I love you both so much!! This video was beautiful and really explored such intimate nuances of the open relationship dynamic. I'm 29 now and have been watching since my early 20s and have been poly/open since finding you guys... I love how much you can support each other no matter what. I would place your guys' abilities to support, love, and see each other as the highest value I can imagine in a relationship!! I really resonate with Brittany's perspective of the divine resonance and think that is how I understand my desires and myself at this time
Ohhh my goodness... I am SO incredibly grateful for this video/these shares! Initially, I thought I resonated with Conor more, but I'm really uncertain where exactly I fall on the spectrum... I also very much resonate with the idea of "right relationship" and if I or my partner begin to resonate with someone else more strongly/easily, I would absolutely want us to each have the freedom to pursue that. I do value the safety of knowing we won't simply give up because of conflict though, and I also still have some parts that are afraid of being "replaced" and desire (or maybe need?) safety... but then again, I see where Brittany's coming from with it feeling "Divine," the evolution of another partner becoming a more fitting "primary"... definitely still exploring all this within myself! 🤔💭 I also think it depends on the partner I'm with at the time to some extent, and I can't help but wonder how attachment theory comes into play with all of this as well... whether a person's core is more "preoccupied"/safety-focused or "avoidant"/freedom-focused. Thank y'all both so much for sharing! Love exploring with y'all💗💗
Love you Kayla!
I enjoyed my time with Brittany each time we spent...... Can't wait to see you again❤️
This is such an interesting topic and I wish I could find more conversations like this out in the world. Thanks for sharing your experiences and being so open with your viewers. I personally feel like giving your beloved person the freedom to explore relationships that resonate or align with their soul IS commitment. Whether that means your relationship structure stays the same or evolves into something different doesn't matter. Allowing the people you love to walk their most divine path of alignment is true commitment because you are committing to supporting them in their happiness.
I feel like comparing "the grass is always greener" mindset with someone who if following their souls true alignment is missing a lot of nuance. Staying in alignment with the divine path by exploring the relationships that most resonate with you isn't void of sacrifice, grief, pain and letting go of unhealthy forms of safety.
Really loved seeing and hearing you both talk about this. Love you so much!
At my core, what feels most true for me and my personality is what Brittany is saying about herself.
There’s definitely a big part of me that wants to align with the idea that prioritizing my commitment to someone will be what fulfills me, but in this lifetime, it does seem like I’m extremely self focused, and that I generally need freedom over commitment to be at my best.
I’m in a relationship that I feel more committed to than any other before, and that excites me, but I know that I also sometimes get this pull that feels beyond myself like Brittany was saying, that if I don’t follow, I tend to be pretty unhappy.
There’s sometimes a bit of guilt there and a desire to feel like my commitments are more stable, but overall, I’m really happy with who I am.
Loved hearing your self reflection, Hyatt!
Thank you both for sharing so honestly. It's been so inspiring to see your relationship evolve over the years, and my own relationships have benefitted so much from the wisdom I've gained from you both!! I think as long as we are being honest about our truth then we can't get it wrong and we will be guided to what is right for us ❤️
This is so deep. I have had this conversation in my head before in feelings but I didn't know how to put it into words thank you
Conor, you are so insightful and well spoken! Lots of love to you guys, love how you communicate with each other💗
Conor: centered, strong, precise.
Just love it.
Team Conor! Poly invites challenges that most can't imagine. There is not only one person you can "resonate" with and the undisciplined mind will always drift toward another person, forsaking the needs, wants and wishes of the primary relationship. The word and concept of commitment is fluid in poly and subject to subversion by those who enter the primary relationship. The pain Conor exuded when Bridget came into the picture was palpable.
Thank you for sharing your feelings on this! My husband and I are non-monogamous and I've stuggled with putting how I feel into words in terms of the type of commitment we have/strive for. Sometimes I feel like my desire for commitment with my primary comes across as narrow minded when talking with other non-monogamous folks (which I think might be not on them necessarily, more of my own insecurities) but Conor's perspective really resonates with me. I kept seeing my desire for "safety" as something I need to overcome instead of something to embrace. Seeing you both talk so clearly about the similarities and differences of how you feel is awesome!
Thank you for these reflections Emma. You are seen
Thank you so much for sharing, this video in particular was so interesting to watch for me... Really got me thinking, and put into words some thoughts I had.
Wow, this is so heart healing 💞 I resonate with both of you so much. And in this particular scenario, I resonate with Brit following that soul calling of resonance. Unfortunately my ex partner was not as understanding as Connor, and was not able to continue showing up in a loving way. This left me questioning my decisions often, although we are both in way more resonate/aligned relationships now because of my honesty and choices. So seeing the way you all have been able to navigate has been deeply nourishing! Thank you 💞 I look forward to continuing to witness your journeys.
💓
I think a lot of people are going to disagree, but I think jealousy is a natural human emotion that is “ok” to feel. I don’t think that naturally occurring emotions need to be labeled as “bad” or be suppressed per se.
Relationships goes up and down, especially when having a kid. It might not be a coincidence that Bridget came into play at that specific moment in time for you guys, I totally get it (as monoganous). With all those hormones going on, the father not being able to relate to the bump in the same way, the new family dynamic, and then the baby being center of attention.
It’s been really challenging for me and my partner, as for so many. It’s a relationship crisis, you have to stick it out and trust in the process. New feelings will arise. It must be so much harder with one door open to other partners, relationships and possibilies to run into new arms.
I relate to this. Our 3rd is nearly 3 and we are only just started to be able to prioritise each other again and learn and find our passion and love again just as us ! Although we have just added a puppy to the family so that has also caused somewhat of a shift 😂
Love this conversation!! I hold a similar preference to Connor. I believe this is partly because I experience more freedom in hierarchical structures then in nonhierarchical structures. The second reason is because hierarchical structures create a more healing space for my particular attachment style and triggers. The third reason is because I’m deeply romantic. And I associate romance with feeling special and someone’s favorite who they will commit to for life no matter what (within reason). I don’t get my need for romance met within nonhierarchical structures.❤️
What an honest comment x
I just love these authentic conversations.
Highly valuable video, thank you. I appreciate so much being able to learn by following your journey.