As the kid who got uprooted twice (once to a different country, once to a different city) OP's words made me tear up. Both times we moved I became very depressed over losing my friends, my home and everything else i left behind. That feeling of just wanting to go home but knowing that there is no "home" anymore. It took years for the new place to feel somewhat like "home". I know my that my friends who have also moved have had the same experience. My parents never cared about my opinion. Just announced it and made me start packing. A move can be something exciting if it's something YOU want but for someone being forced to leave like that its loosing everything you know and love. The wife doesn't care about the daughters. She only cares about her career. So she can go move there herself .
old comment but I need to share. yea a move can be exciting and I think if done at different stages can be fine (like you're changing schools for a grade anyway). But with the two girls at important life stages, they're prepping for college, these are vital few years. I was moved around ALOT....ALOT ALOT growing up. I can promise you it can be damaging. sure free ride scholarships are hard to get into but what if they're so affected they don't even graduate high school? what if the new school is crap? What about their extra circulars? it may not even be available to them. True this could be a once in a life time chance for mom but it risks both her daughter's entire lives. If possible I'd say mom go ahead and do the move, stay in a little safe place, visit for holidays and such, girls can come over the summer; and when they graduate dad follow mom. Its only a few years and those will go by fast. she does have to choose between career and family, sadly thats how life works no one can have it both ways unless you are mega rich.
"Then you get in the car and you pull up to the new house and the kids run in to see everything and pick their new rooms and look at the backyard where the dog can run around and the basement they can hang out in and suddenly it's not so bad." There is zero guarantee that this will happen. Throwing glitter at this situation and thinking everything will automatically work out right in the end because you really want it to is wishful thinking. And those don't always come true.
Agreed, I've said it before I'll say it again: Whenever I hear "teenager" and "sports" in the same story, I think "scholarship opportunities". One of the kids is 16. That means if the family moves now, she has no hope of getting honors for having been in a sport for 4 years. Bitches love that shit and buy bitches, I mean college admissions.
@@Torichan888 Every time I was moved, my scholastic performance took a hit. I could not take certain classes because I had not had the pre requisites required by that particular school, and couldn't make them up at the point I was at. I ended up taking multiple overlapped 'required' courses because.. "You need state history to graduate!" "But I took state history as a freshman!" "Yeeeaaah....but not THIS state's history course. Have fun sitting in a freshman class to take a second state history course, senior! Oh, you think you need advanced biology for college prep? Too bad. Freshman state history for you."
I still hold a grudge over a particular move I was forced into when I was in grade 6. That's over 20 years ago. It's not always "oh they will get over it soon"
That's true, but the adults have to make the decisions. I was a child who lived through it many times. My parents had to make the decisions. If they replied on their children to make adult decisions, we would have been in a far worse position.
Story 1: I’ve heard the opposite of this where the father was offered the job across the country and true community was saying he’d selfish if they moved because of uprooting the family etc. Reddit is a little biased.
Moving is more than social circles. In my school district, my school was the only one that offered a decent orchestra/band program and those programs are usually one of the first to get cut. Other extra curriculars are almost the same and will vary depending on schools. With moving, your essentially playing Russian roulette.
The kids are old enough to have a say & neither wants to move. OP isn't TA for not wanting to move across the country and uproot his kids lives against their will. OP's wife should've had a serious talk with him before acting like the decision to move was already made. Also based on the fact OP has encouraged her to take work that would let her spend more time with the kids for less pay leads me to believe they aren't hurting for money. Also OP would have to quit his job if they were to move so whatever income the household gets from him would need to be subtracted from the wife's "bump in pay" until he could find a new one, and that's if he could find one at all. The wife isn't TA for being excited over a new job opportunity & wanting to take it but fact is her kids are at a point where they don't care. Their mom has been largely absent for so long that, like OP said, it's their version of normal. And expecting them to be gung ho for a big move so their mom can finally take part in their lives is ignorant at best. It's harsh but the fact is she may never get the relationship she wants with her children due to her being absent during the some of the most important years of their lives. Honestly forcing a move could do more harm to the kids than good. In their minds it could be "Oh NOW she's going to be around for important stuff after all this time? And all we'd have to do is uproot our lives? What a joke.". In short i think she's underestimated how much her absence has impacted their relationship and how they see her. And for people who say "but she was PROVIDING for them" kids care less about the money and more about the fact one parent was never around, especially when the other was always there for their events & important life moments.
I voted ESH here, but I can see your rationale. The whole story boils down to this: once an absentee parent, always an absentee parent, too little too late.
Yeah this father is used to taking care of those kids on his own for weeks out of the month and I bet she works long hours the rest of the time, he knows what makes this family happy and work. You can't be there more for a 16 year old and expect that to fix the lack of motherly attention. It wil just ruin their lives. It's also not the only job in the world, if she wanted to be a mother more than care about her career she could have set something up long ago. They do not need her anymore, she made it that way herself. That's no different than if she was a guy doing the same thing. Her kids are not 5 anymore.
@Talsong Kingslayer Obviously not since he's tried getting her to take a job with lower hours & pay. If they were hurting for cash he wouldn't have suggested it. Would they potentially have to cut back some? Sure. But if the pay off is her being there more than it's worth it.
@Talsong Kingslayer There is nothing to suggest they had money issues in the post, she just makes more money than he does. If she was going to pick advancing in her career and refusing to do other jobs and be home more he had to have a job that let him take care of the kids. She's just refusing to look for another job that's more suited for staying home.
As per story 1. When I was 10 my father was promoted to the top position in his field. So they sold the dream home they were building and we moved from California to Virginia. The money wasn't an issue at all but I was miserable to say the least. Then once I got used to VA we moved to Utah at 16 which was a huge culture shock. Even now that I am elderly I often wonder how different my life could have been if I hadn't had to deal with constant drama growing up.
Moving can be okay for kids when they are younger than teens, but OP is right, at 14 and 16 uprooting their lives can be very traumatic. Hell, the oldest will likely be off to college in 2 years, so it's unlikely she will be be able to create any decent relationships before moving on.
@@LRmama2019 Right! I grew up an Army brat and then married a Sailor, I don’t even know what’s it’s like to stay in one place longer than like 4 yrs 🤷♀️
S1: NTA. He’s not forcing HER to make a decision about this job offer or her family, SHES forcing HIM to make the decision…but really just threatening the family with her departure if they won’t acquiesce to her demands. she’s the one making the ultimatum.
Story 1:Nta, in a situation that involves moving. The only reason it's a nta is the fact that the wife is not taking no for a answer. She is even willing to trump there wishes and wants to move anyway.
Story 1 from the husband's replies we can see that she has been choosing the career over the family so this will just making them do another sacrifice for her but like op said his daughters have been living like that for a while and uprooting your life just so she can spend more time with them when she hasn't for the past decade is unfair
For the 4 year old that fell by the pool I don't agree with everybody sucks. Its not her kid, it's not her responsibility. So many parents think they are entitled to other people's time.
I'm a bit on the fence... I think it's a valid point that the least OP could do is catch back up to the mother and explain "no, I won't watch your kid for you", to make sure the kid isn't alone. I don't think OP was an asshole as such, but I also feel like they aren't entirely NTA either.
@@guardingdark2860 Agree. Where were the rest of the family? If I hd a swimming pool & people were over... why didn't anyone else see child, especially mom. Why was child only one outside? I feel bad for kid who actually has an irrresponsible mother. And family. And the kid was 4, not 2. I call that past toddler.
You’re right except that he’s a real live human, and we don’t risk a child drowning because his mom deserves consequences for her actions. She should have found another family member to pass him off to before walking away. She could use the same strategy, “Here, Jake’s mom disappeared and I need to wash my top, take him.” Not because he was her responsibility, but because he was in danger of death of left unattended.
@@BlondeEyes7 I mean yeah he's a real human but if the mom isn't going to treat him with importance why should someone else? I get it but it's not everyone else's job to take care of someone else's child. It's the parents responsibility. And for them to just drop them like they are property to keep track of instead of an actual child, around a body of water, that's on the parents if he gets hurt. No one else.
Thank you. You bring your kid somewhere you don't get to dump them on the nearest adult and absolve yourself of responsibility. Hire a sitter or don't go to the party.
Story 1: if it was a guy in that position the family would be resentful as he is always working and never with the family. But because it's a woman it's okay because she is the bread winner. Some people just can't see their own double standards.
Re: nursing home. I doubt anyone in that family truly understands how difficult full, round-the-clock care is. Imagine those first few weeks of having a newborn; how exhausting and draining it was 24/7, even though you loved them and it wasn’t the baby’s fault they couldn’t care for themselves. Now imagine that newborn weighs at least 120 lbs and they will never become more independent. Money isn’t the reason mom went back to work and put her son in a care facility.
I would agree, but here's the rub. She's basically throwing him to the wolves instead of actually asking her family to help with him and his needs, which they are more than likely willing to offer. If she says some BS like 'She doesn't want to feel like a burden' or something similar, then she's missing the point that she has a caring, loving family who is willing to help if she bothered to ask. But I digress that's looking too far into things. We don't know how the Sis actually feels or if the family is actually caring and loving.
@@tcrpgfan from personal experience, the family only offers empty promises. It a huge red flag to me the the only help describe is financial and the why she comments about disability/gov money even bigger 🚩. Unless they are giving enough money to completely pay for some at home nursing they are not helping the emotional, mental, & physical burden at all. For me to believe they actually will help out I need to see some initiative on their part. So many people WANT to help but it the same way they want to end world hunger or want to prevent climate change, they do it when it’s extremely convenient for them
@@TTtiger373 This exactly. My oldest brother (in his 30's) lives with his dad and grandmother because my mom wanted to put him in a group home. They weren't ready when they took him in and still barely manage to care for him right, AND now that everyone is getting older there's no plan on what happens to him in the event that my mom,his dad or grandma pass away. They did more harm than good when they took away his opportunity for a group home.
@@tcrpgfan I know you probably mean well but i don’t think you have any idea what it is like being responsible for someone who needs intensive, constant medical care 24/7 every hour of the day. It is extremely mentally and physically exhausting, especially if you are pretty much the sole carer. First notice that when the family DID help it was only ever with the other kids/house and not directly the son, second rarely do people maintain giving any sustained, significant meaningful help and finally even if they DID help say 4 hours a day (highly unlikely) it still means the mother is responsible for the other 20 hours. A severely disabled person needs to have their position moved every 2 hours, some type of nutrition administered regularly (tube or orally), hygiene and toileting etc - all of this is not easy when dealing with a teenage, almost adult size person. Depending on the care facility the person could also receive better care and more appropriate stimulation and support in a well run care place where it isn’t only dependent on one exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed person. I’m not saying that a person with high medical needs isn’t deserving of a loving home environment just that it is a momentous task to expect one person to do it all. I know because a similar situation happened to my 16 yr old cousin and even though we all helped and would even have him at our house for weekends eventually he moved to a home where he is very settled and happy now.
I was a private adult caregiver for 20 years. It is NOT easy to care for someone who is disabled. You do everything for them, shower, toilet, dress them, cook, feed them, laundry, keep them company while doing as much housework as you can. I was exhausted at the end of every day. And I miss that now that I'm retired. But, I could never have taken care of a child 24/7. 😔 That means you take them to the toilet whenever they need to go or change their sheets at 2am because they messed in them. Little to no sleep because you're always on call. That mom, needed to get her life back. It would have been different if she'd had the ability to have round the clock caregivers. But, sadly, most just can't afford to do that 😢. So, cut her some slack. She still has 2 children to raise on her own. Which I did too. It's beyond "not easy" to do.
My grown daughter called me by my name out of the blue and I asked her why she said she was an adult now so she can do that as she doesn't need a mom anymore. I just got up and walked out of the room as I was afraid I'd start crying. I took a bit and composed myself and talked to her again I said hun I will always be your mom you will always be my daughter that won't change. I understand your an adult but it hurts my feelings that you said that and it hurts when you don't call me mom as I feel I worked hard to earn that title. She broke down crying apologizing she said she felt stifled since she still lived at home and felt like a child still she was just trying to feel like an adult she wasn't trying to hurt me. I asked if we had done anything to make her feel like a child she said no a friend had made a nasty comment about how it must be nice to have mommy and daddy still take care of her. I told her she works and pays rent and her own bills she's helping us out and to tell her friend to duck off. she thanked me and apologized again. You need to find out the root of the problem before knee jerk reactions.
If the roles were switched around in the second story everyone would be mad at the man for wanting to move his family across the country because the wife and kids built a life there while he was out working. People are unbelievable.
Making it a money issue was a mistake. That was clearly a respect issue. She disrespected him while they were out, and then disrespected him again by throwing money in his face
To the comment saying she's not selfish: yes. Yes she is. She CHOSE a career that would give her no time with her kids. She CHOSE a career that required a lot of travel. She probably never had any guarantee that she would be able to get an opportunity like this. Which means she signed up for this. Her daughters never CHOSE to have a mother that's never around . And they are definitely not choosing to have their home, friends, support systems, their WHOLE lives taken away by someone they love just because she doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her career choices.
Sence she's gone over half the year, how many diff guys have fulfilled her loneliness over the last 10 YEARS sence she didn't want to take a job that would keep her with the family a bit more often
The thing is, the kids in the first story have already grown apart from their mother and no longer need a mommy to hover over them so of course the mothers argument that she’ll have time to be with them is useless.
Everyone needs a mom. That's why people who haven't gone no contact with their parents as adults . Still visit them and ask for advice. Adults & kids alike still cry when their parents pass away. Shoot.. I stopped seeing my grandmother as an early teen bc she couldn't remember me, before that .. I only saw her a handful of times after my family moved @ 8 years old. I'm 31 now and still grieve her loss. Men strive for a career and great paying job... But don't get flack for that. But apparently if a woman does that, she doesn't deserve love nor to be cared about? Dad can't ask the bread winner mom to drop her job so they both can bring home pennies. That's unreasonable & illogical, of course she's going to refuse.
@@Alisha21210 The dade is the primal caregiver in the story and the kids have no connection to the mom. Of course the mom wants to boost her career and the "you will get a better room" is just an excuse to sugercoat the fact, that the kids will lose their social net.
Even a year later I still say the wife in the first story is TA. For their entire lives she has chosen her career over them and now she expects them to choose her career over their lives. And she’s not choosing them, she’s choosing her career and throwing paint on it and hoping they fall for the “but I’ll be more in your lives now.” OP is NTA for looking out his children’s best interests in this situation.
It doesn’t sound like she “chose” it, it sounds like the position of the breadwinner fell on her shoulders, so she stepped up. Now she has an opportunity to be more stable and see her family more, and they’re unwilling. I was a military kid, I’ve moved once for every year I’ve been alive. Moving is an option, the family is being reluctant because they’re used to the life they live. That seems selfish- willing to use the money she makes but indifferent about having her in their lives
sounds much more like she had no choice but to provide shaming mothers for being the sole breadwinners is kind of cruel…my mom had to do that too so we can have a chance in life… i would never throw it in her face i am forever thankful for her sacrifices… btw we moved to another country bevause of a job opportunity for her…i was 9 and it was for the better!
Yes she's still choosing her career but now also choosing to wreck their lives. And the two commenters above me can't read the original post where it pointed out that she has refused for years to back off her career.
The wife is TA. No one can convince me otherwise. I’m coming at this from the angle of 34-year-mother of two daughters, same age as OP’s. If staying near her family was a true priority, she would’ve accepted the position closer to them long before this move, even if it’s ‘career suicide.’ It’s her right to focus on her career; it’s not her right to decide how her daughters’ feel about it. OP chose the role of a thoroughly engaged SAHD, a vital job that does not deserve dismissal or scorn. OP’s wife firmly chose the role of a traveling breadwinner, inevitably forcing her to miss a lot. No one should have to move so that *she* can try to forcibly make up for time *she* chose to lose. She’s thinking about her career in this move, just like she has been for almost 2 decades; he’s thinking of _his_ job as a full-time SAHD in this move, just like he has been for almost 2 decades. He encouraged her to take a job closer to home, even if it means a pay cut. She refused. She didn’t move closer to her children because it would hurt her career. Being more involved in her growing daughters’ lives was less important than moving up the food chain. This woman doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it too. No one does. I’m glad she finds fulfillment advancing in her career, but I believe her daughters (at least her oldest) may hold a bit of (in my opinion) understandable resentment; the comment of “to make yourself feel better” was telling. If a couple makes an agreement that one is a stay at home husband/wife while the other travels, and the house parent does their job with all their heart, that’s great. However, the parent that chose to travel for half of their children’s lives does have to face the consequences of that (ex: not expecting to pop in and play happy family like they haven’t been gone for years and/or having teenage daughters indifferent to them.) I am not doubting she loves her children, but it’s not their fault that they don’t have the relationship she wants or thinks they have. It’s an unfortunate consequence of her choice.
I think realizing that your child needs more professional care than you can provide is hard but very important. And it's a realization not enough parents have. Or people for that matter who refuse to give their elderly parents the professional care they need and would rather do a piss poor job taking care of them at home.
Story 1: Ironic that the commenters who are mad that the kids are choosing their friends over workaholic mom dont realize she choose her career for a decade instead of her children. She had 10yrs to choose her kids over her career but she choose her career. Also her new job offering is literally choosing her career over her kids which means she still cares more about her career than her kids. Shes willing to make her kids unhappy for her new job.
I think the oldest daughter’s comment was really telling- ‘not fair to move to make you feel better about yourself.’ She has felt her mother’s absence and is upset that she’s asking them to move (for her job) to finally be home with them... at 14 and 16. This is not going to be an easy welcome home the mom seems to think it will be.
@@j_g9109 to be fair the dads a piece of shit who has whispered in his daughter ears instead of saying things like, Mom has to work to pay the bills. My wife a stay at home and doesn't work. I have to pick up over time and work 12 hour shifts normally 5-6 days a week. My daughters have never been upset because instead of whispering in the ears about how dad doesn't care she tells them the truth. dad has to work so we can afford to live.
The out to dinner story; that one has me at a 30 / 70 I can understand the girl's feelings about going out to dinner because she got a raise. She was probably thinking that things are only going up from here so why not get the nice meal. But getting shots for her friends? I think she should have talked with her boyfriend and let him know that she would pay for them because, I cannot see a situation where anybody could ask their significant other to pay for all of thier friends drinks, considering it was only meant to be the two of them.
The Mom is right to how she and Dad feel. Daughter chose to lie for 10 years and has to deal with that. They are allowed to feel the way they do and Noone should tell them other wise
Story One: NTA Both agree to consult the kids OP kept to that agreement wife didn't. She didn't get the answers she wanted so now she wants OP to help her bully the kids till she gets the one she wants. PS that commenter about the kids adjust then saying that the scholarship isn't guaranteed is ignore that at 16 the cost of moving will ruin any chances daughter for getting a scholar ship and may effect her collage prospects. Extra curricular are important because as the said commenter half the people in collage had straight A's you need something else to stand out and that's extra curriculars. Moving at that age really messes with them. Beside the risk of the new school not having the extra curricular she already in even if they do the extra curricular might not be important to the school or area (I moved at 12 and the sports that where popular in old home town weren't important here and were therefore underfunded. I'm not sporty so it didn't effect me but it would effect someone who was)
I feel like that user read "16 and 14" as "6 and 4." Cranky for a couple weeks? Have they ever met a teenager? I moved when I was 16 five years ago, and to this day I have weekly nightmares about accidentally trespassing in my old house. I feel like this user is saying I was in the wrong for not just being "cranky for a couple weeks" and I honestly feel (probably irrationally) a little insulted. You know how far away I moved? Two blocks. I still talk about this to therapists, even though all that changed was the layout of the house, street, and a broken promise. I can't imagine the state I would have been in if we moved to the East Coast.
I moved at that age and it was the best decision our family made. The opportunities and amazing people I now have in my life would definitely not be available to me in my original hometown. It was definitely hard, but my family (I am eldest of 3) and I have always discussed how the move is not a regret. The difference was, we had a family discussion and parents asked for our input. We agreed to go, which was scary and hard to leave what was familiar, but in the end it all worked out. The reality is, this isnt a black and white issue and everyone has their own experiences. I think a family should really consider everyone in making a decision like that. And parents need to work out how to be on the same page in the end.
Let not forget the " more money for college" red herring. The parents should have a college savings plan already. Two years of socking extra money ( from the pay raise) will not make up for: lost credits due to transferring high school 2) lost extra curriculum activities. Harder to get a spot on the team as a junior than keep the spot you already have 3) lost letters from teachers for applications. It seems that so many people are focusing on the money part: " they are using her for her paycheck" , " they will have a better life because mom can buy more stuff with better job" , " she should leave and keep all her money to herself and make them suffer for daring to have different wants/ needs than her". The hypocracy of " they treat her like a paycheck" versus " she is the money maker so she gets the decision" is astounding.
Story 1, NTA. I’m recently 18. If my parents uprooted me when I was 16 I would be so pissed. I honestly don’t think I would ever fully forgive my parents. And it’s not just bc I would have been ripped away from my social circle. A good chunk of schools across the country won’t accept some credits. Let’s say I’m in my junior year and In honors bio. I move across the county, boom not more honors bio. Bc I didn’t take their physical science I can’t take bio, and bc I can’t take bio I definitely can’t take honors bio. The child will have to retake so many classes and that could really take a hit to their chances to get into college
OMG!! Imagine if the story about the wife wanting to move across country to get better hours and money was reversed!! Do you really think the wife would be portrayed the AH if she didn’t want to leave? I don’t think so. Because it’s the dad talking he’s the baddie. Also that person talking about oh they’re teens. They’ll run into the house and pick their new rooms and it’ll be ok. Screw dat!! We r talking about two teens that will be graduating school back to back in two years. I’m assuming here that this twit of a person doesn’t have HS students. 11 grade. Ring choosing. Sports. Homecoming. Music. Cheerleading. Checking out colleges. Sorry!! You DONT do this in the senior year!! Last year of school is to make sure you are all set to go. What is it with people saying it’ll be alright. They may live yea. But if I was 16 again and my parents made me move across country just so one of my parents had a guilty conscience because they finally wanted to stay home, I would be so mad I would not speak to them unless spoken to. Yes I’m that vindictive! And then I’d go to college and never come home. Seriously. If they could not think of me just once in their lives why should I do so for them. And folks that’s the way teens think!! I believe a lot of people forget that. Ugh
Oh, I speak to him. Occasionally. On his birthday. And father's day. And thanksgiving. And christmas. By text. I left. I moved an extremely inconvenient distance away with my kids. I went 12 years without seeing him in person.
I wish I had been able or had to move away from my high school because it was not that great at all. My youngest brother moved to the South with my parents when he was in the 7 th grade and had the best experience of any of us. But that’s me. I don’t think the dad is “ baddie “. I think the mother is being dumped on because she wants the family to move. If she’s supporting everyone, why shouldn’t she take the chance to get a job that is less stressful and also supports them. If it was a man, people wouldn’t question THAT too much. We don’t know her occupation. People often get crappy hours to earn higher salaries in some fields. Maybe she’s finally a supervisor after she put the time in. Why can’t they have homes in two places for the next couple of years and travel between them on vacations or whatever? With Skype, Zoom and all that’s used so much more now, why don’t people try to set up communication between them. Especially if she has a regular schedule now. Do they care enough or is she a money bag? Some fathers feel like THEY are. Not all women want to move where the husband does. It’s amazing the mother found something good in this economy. Doesn’t sound like she has been laid off. It’s more like the wife couldn’t get better hours any where else. I’d move with my husband because I love him and jobs for him were/ are hard to find. At one point, I would have almost moved anywhere but Alaska maybe. It doesn’t sound like the husband loves his wife anymore. What if they were army brats? They would have to move everywhere. I think the family has had it pretty easy. If they were really struggling they’d move, believe me.
@@laurenbaker8803 So what if they were military brats? I'm a military brat. I can answer that question, I can tell you how that worked out. But I doubt if you want to hear it. The question here isn't the husband...it's the kids.
@@shammydammy2610 I really would like to know. I think they have it easy settled in one place. I have some creative ideas about things they could do. I don’t know if anyone has really read it.
An animal shelter in my town has to have the approval of everyone in a household before they let you adopt any pet. Why you ask? Because of the insane number of returned pets that they were getting. This policy has worked really well for them as the number of returned pets has dropped significantly, A pet is not a good idea unless everyone is on board with it, since they are living things and not inanimate objects.
I'm British so I can confirm that formal invitations are sent with full names. Also, the Best Man isn't a huge thing that involves loads of things to do. Likewise, the MoH for the bride doesn't have a shit load of things to do. We don't, generally, have a 'wedding party'. We have a different way of doing things to the US. America is not the centre of the universe and we don't need to follow their 'traditions' especially as most of their traditions have come from Europe in the first place
As a American, I MUST inform you that the United States IS the center of the known universe. /s Yeah, a TON of people here think that our way is the ONLY way. When I mention that Europe has BUILDINGS that are twice as old as our entire country to make a point of other people having literally over a THOUSAND more years of political and life experiences, they look at me like I suddenly grew 3 heads. One idiot even said "Well, maybe we should bomb those buildings." WTF? It appears that as the population grows, the level of sheer stupidity rises logarithmically. America USED to be a great nation, but after dealing with morons for 62 years, I'm going to have to go with 'Meh'. Cheers!
Sorry you'll get this 1year later but... British person here. This is pompous masked as tradition. It's their wedding they can do what they want. Like Op wants to- just say they want to and their not changing it. The fact that he didn't follow through with the full name throughout the wedding is pretty much a testament to the fact it's just pomp and not at all necessary to double down on. They're both dumbasses
He offered to take HER out as a treat. She abused that by buying rounds with his money. He should have quietly told her that he couldn't afford to treat her friends too. She would've been pissed. But that's not his problem.
In the story with the toddler at the bf birthday party I honestly have to say NTA. Op could have handled things better, but OP probably didn’t know how to handle the situation. I feel like all of the commenters expect her to be an expert in child care and that’s the problem for me. The sister is a super AH because she just left her kid with someone who probably doesn’t have that much childcare experience. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know in a sort of sense. She probably thought it was fine to leave the kid for a bit because she didn’t know better. Yes, bad things could have happened to the child, but that’s what happens when you leave a child with someone who is inexperienced with child care.
MOTG dress color: it's tradition for the MOTB and MOTG to wear dresses in the wedding color, or coordinating dresses. And they ARE IN THE WEDDING PARTY! They are part of the ceremony as the parents of the couple. Bride is NTA, MIL is being a brat.
Story 2: NTA, you don't go out of your way to spend as much money as you can when someone treats you to something expensive, he didn't say; "ORDER ANYTHING! MONEY IS NO OBJECT! IN FACT, DRINKS ARE ON ME!!!" and the fact that she decided to go ahead and make the arbitrary decision to order drinks for her friends with HIS money like she opened a tab was disgusting, she's his girlfriend, not his wife and you don't even do that to your spouse.
Reg. the story about the parents finding out the daughter is gay just before the wedding: I agree that the parents should ask and try to understand why their daughter felt the need to hide from them, and perhaps there was something that could have been done from their side, but to find out via the invitation? Like some random acquaintance? I think this is a major asshole move from the daughter. I would be extremely hurt. She seems to have a nice enough relationship with her parents, and if she were so afraid that they would be homophobic to her, why is she so upset that they don't want to come to the wedding? If she was afraid to say anything all those years, she should have visited them before sending out invites, either alone or with the fiance and told them in private. That is the least that they deserved. And then they could address the reserves (if any) that they had about telling the parents. You don't let your parents know via an invitation, unless they're apathetic to you. Or horrible, in which case you just don't bother with them.
The one where the son starts calling his dad by his first name...the dad should have drafted a mock lease agreement for the son. When the son looks shocked...the dad would explain, 'well, IF I was still dad, I'd keep paying your way as that's what dad does. But 'first name' isn't dad...'first name' is a landlord. So, rent's due on the 1st...unless you want to live with dad again. In which case, he'll be waiting with open arms because he's missed you.
The disabled child story hurt me to my core. My family is currently trying to figure out future plans for my mentally & physical disabled brother. His care needs have only increased with age and most recently he has become violent towards others. Moving him to a care home is one of the best options for everyone but we are terrified of the backlash. Ppl love to judge and expect you to do things they never would.
My oldest brother is in his 30's, he is mentally challenged and prone to outburst. My mom had a care home lined up for him but his dad and grandmother took him in instead. It did way more harm than good, now there are no plans for when any of his guardians die.
I'm so sorry. I do understand as I'm a retired nurse. If I'm totally exhausted working and then going home, it is so much more for the single person who has to care for a severely disabled person. I became the caregiver for my parents whose health was poor. They were still ambulatory, but taking care of them and all aspects of the house and yard, was breaking my own health down. I didn't have children to run here and there and no job. OP's sister has it all on her shoulders.
When my grandpa was in a nursing home we visited every day. (He broke his ankle but it was good timing because he’s Alzheimer’s was beginning to be more then we could handle.) We had two mentally handicapped people on are floor ages 30-40. They where very well taken care of. They wanted to do all the activities and secret handshakes with the staff.
God I feel so much for the widowed single mother of 3 children, she’s working, caring for 3 children by herself and caring for a disabled kid around the clock. OP is banging on about how much she “helps”, but she doesn’t seem to be helping that much, it’s not OPs job, but she isn’t being as helpful as she thinks. Especially when she’s screaming in her sisters face calling her cruel, a monster etc etc, because her sister has admitted that caring for her disabled son is too much work for her and she needs professional help to make sure his needs are being met. That doesn’t make her a monster, it means she loves him so much that she recognises she’s struggling and can’t give him the quality care that he deserves, and has made the incredibly hard and heartbreaking decision to get professional help, and she’s being judged for that? I’m bedridden disabled, I have permanent nerve damage which comes with mobility problems, cPTSD & PTSD, and a bunch of other health conditions, I’m technically an independent adult female, but I require a LOF of help. I live with my flatmate who I have a sibling like relationship with (I’m emancipated, no contact with biological family, he’s an orphan) and he cares for me round them clock, I do what I can but I’m limited in what I can do, and I just need that help. This means I’m very aware of his needs, needing regular breaks, making sure he gets proper sleep, helping where I can, and being aware of how exhausting it can be, it isn’t an easy task. I feel so horribly for the mother being judged when she made the best choice for her son, especially when her judgmental sister isn’t offering to house her disabled son, for some bizarre reason…
My parents moved us cross country when I was 17. I didn’t even get a say in the issue, but I can tell you how my life has gone since. 1: I hate this state. There’s nothing to do except clubbing. Pollution and crime are everywhere, and my network and opportunities are next to nil, which leads to 2: my social life never recovered. My old friends moved on without me despite efforts to stay in touch, and I never made new friends close enough to replace the old ones. My church and spiritual life suffered and became about me running activities instead of making connections, and my grades tanked which screwed me out of college opportunities. In short, I’m a 30 year old broke loner. but my relationship with my parents is great😃👍🏽
I hated the state too. There was nothing at all I liked about it. I left it as soon as possible. I have zero friends from any part of school before college. And yeah, my relationship with my surviving parent is a shell.
So move. your parents could possibly be responsible for funking up the last year of your childhood. But that was 12 years ago you got like 50 year of life left in you do something.
You did move before the time of mass online communication, it wouldn't be as bad now (if I can have friends 7,000 miles away, they can manage a cross-country call).
Friends of the family adopted a severely disabled son before I was born. He wasn't supposed to make it to 10, but he is 43 now. Last year (2 years?) He went to live in a nursing home that could provide better care. Now, their situation was different from the mom here. But it is more than feeding and changing. What to go on vacation? Taking him would be a huge issue. Since he is technically a ward of the State, they can put him in a home for a week or so. He is happy from their reports when they visit.
16 Y O's do NOT run into the new house excited to pick their bedroom. They are almost never excited to start a new school with only 2 school years left. men have dragged their families around the country for their jobs and many wives have put their foot down to keep the kids is X city to finish school and head for college. Men were expected to move ahead and the wife would join them later. Good for the goose -good for the gander.
Story 1: NTA. Sometimes, unfortunately, you can not have both. You have to choose between career or family and it seems like this woman made hers. Not saying she doesn't love her family but being the breadwinner doesn't mean she gets final say on things that will impact everyone else. to uproot everyone because she'll get to spend more time with the family seems so awkward. She's going to finally get to know/ spend time with her nearly adult kids? Just in time for them to leave for college in a year or two? Awkward and maybe a little sad.
Ooof 1:41:21 the “I don’t understand what happened” literally me telling my mom in multiple different ways why we need to improvise our relationship and hitting a wall every. Single. Time. Then leaving because I’m done!
The story "AITA for trying to teach my future children a little discipline"... the problem is DID THE FUTURE WIFE SIT DOWN WITH FUTURE HUBBY AND THE KIDS to discuss what rules would be, living situation would be like in the future?!? Future wife is more at fault for not having the "talk" with the children..... Their immediate response to the new situation is (at their age 15/11?)... a guy that lives with us and my mom. Nothing more. Nothing less. It's not going to change. The adults will just be spinning their wheels until they include the children!
The first story. Mum has chosen her career over family time for years and now she wants them to chose her career over the life they've built. Why do they have to sacrifice for her job when she wouldn't sacrifice for them? I don't think anyone is TA. She worked for her family but everyone missed out. They aren't TA for not wanting to uproot thier lives for mums job when they've already lost out.
I have a dad like that. He was gone so much of our formative years for work and travel, when I was a teenager I barely knew him. We have a good relationship now and worked through it, but the commenters have no idea what its like to have a parent/partner prioritize work to the degree that they neglect family. Its selfish. And I got sick just thinking about him trying to force us to move around that time, once again for work .. these people are naive thinking a workaholic will change and suddenly prioritize family. My dad literally had an almost fatal incident that left him disabled before he changed. And guess what, he is still working, but more balanced though. I love him deerly, but it will always be a sore spot.
he's 16 not 3 so that doesn't count. also maybe because I've heard too many of these stories, I would ask for a paternity test. maybe he overheard a conversation where the mom stated he's not his dad. maybe that's why he's shut down and why the mom isn't saying anything.
Ask a kid who moved when they were literally 10, it was pretty bad, it worked out sure, I made friends, heck I even got a partner, but it took a PAINFULLY long time, it quite literally took till my junior year, the year im in currently, to really adjust fully to having had left my home. I went from a little creek side house near a woodland area and a huge tree me and my siblings would climb on a neighbors yard that he let us play near, all in Virginia, to a small yard with annoying asshole neighbors in the blistering heat of Texas, not to mention how before I moved, I wasn't bullied, sure the kids were erratic and some didn't like me, but no one outright made it their mission to make me miserable, but when I came here, despite all the nice things, I was bullied Severely For 5 whole years till there was enough distance between me and them for it to stop being an issue, but the issue didn't stop, because it was genuinely so severe that now I almost blatantly refuse to speak to anyone anymore That commenter that was all "but then you out everyone in the car and pull up to the new house and its all okay" these kids are in high school, I was barley out of elementary school and my own move royally fucked me up, the fact that the commenter saying YTA were sitting on the idea these kids who were almost done with school, with probably a life plan already, would be just "cranky" with the move is bullshit, they'll be upset they'll miss their friends, being able to physically hang out with them, what happens if they have a relationship, are these people seriously expecting someone to turn their relationship long distance for the wife that HAS arguably placed their career over their family? And besides, while the work is undesirable, OP did make a good point, wait till the kids are done with school, and can most likely move in with friends if they don't wanna follow their parents, and THEN make the move, or once the kids are done with school and/or college, then take the paycut and downsize
Story 1: I know someone that in the same position as the daughter.. she hated her mother so much and resent her father for going along with the move that as soon as she's older enaugh she left the home.. she tried and never manage to settle in the new place
Re.first story: You can't blame especially the 16 y/o. As things are, she's one foot out of highschool, if my calculations are correct entering or already her last year. A move would be stressful for everyone, the stress would affect her grades and being so far away from her friends would make her depressive at worst. Sounds like the wife wanted to be an independent, career-driven woman but now that her girls are all grown up she regrets the time that she lost with them and wants to have it back somehow. With the move she will only create an even larger rift between them.
No. It sounds like she is sane and wants to have a good future. Why should she keep on killing herself for people who don't appreciate it? Who don't care about her? Kids will survive the move. Life is like that. Stop acting like moving is abuse.
@@AnHeCor they will kill themself because they’re depressed from the move and losing their friends. The mom doesn’t care about their daughters health or wellbeing. She is still choosing her career over their daughters happiness. If she actually cared about her children then she would agree to let OP stay behind with the girls to finish out HS.
Story 1: Honestly, I think that it's pretty much over between OP and the career wife. She has time and again chosen to stay in her high stress job and refused to take other jobs that would've allowed her to spend more time with her family and she has the audacity to think that she can just uproot everything in her children's and husband's lives just to further her career and that everyone will go along with it? Yeah no, she made her choice, her children are doing alright without her around and it's far too late for her to try and play mother when they're pretty much almost done with public schooling and almost old enough to move out. Even worse is that she wants to basically force everyone to go along with what she wants and saying that only her opinion matters makes her especially terrible. And to those saying that OP should've done more for the family, he has been taking care of the kids, been there for their most important events in their lives and has a job that while doesn't make as much as his wife, it's enough to take care of their basic needs and gives healthcare to the family. So basically, I say that OP is NTA and he should have one final discussion with his wife to see if there's any way to change her mind and try to get her to work something out where it doesn't involve moving across the country and uprooting the kids' lives. If she refuses to budge, then at that point OP should divorce the wife and ensure that the kids stay with him and the wife can continue her career alone.
Haven't made it through everything but it also seems to be double standards. When it was switched in another reddit story, the opinions were very much against the husband to what I remember.
Parent who placed child in home. 1) saying " you can ask for help anytime" is a shitty thing to do to a caregiver. You should offer help.And not some vague "what would you like me to do?" Offer to watch Adam while mom goes shopping, takes the kids out. Do not just do what you think would help either. 2) why does the family think they will spend less time with Adam? They can go visit the home anytime 3) kids crying was a bad on moms part by not preparing kids. It is the best thing for Adam. He is now in a place where he can be cared for by people who are trained to care for people and they do get a break. The caregivers will work 8 hour shifts and go home. Being a caregiver at home is 24/7.
I’ve been listening to Aita for almost two years now, and that girlfriend throwing money at her boyfriend was one of the funniest moments I’ve listened to.
Story 1 nah. If they move there is a solid chance that the children will cut off their mother anyway. The kids are used to not being around their mother already.
The mom is TA because she got upset at the kids for not wanting to uproot their lives to better the working situation of a woman whom they, for all intense and purposes, barely know and is never there for them. Why would someone leave their friends for someone they don’t know. Yes she’s their mother but she chose work over them all their lives. Even now she’s choosing work over their happiness. This isn’t a NAH situation because the mom is an AH
Especially when she's the sole income. OP and her father are dragging the sister when her mom and brother are the ones actually helping the sister frequently with Adam. Sure OP takes the other two kids but that's not the same as actually interacting with Adam. That's why Adam's grandma isn't protesting: she knows how much care he needs.
The lesbian story about her parents being lied to for over a decade is a clear example of Reddit not knowing how it feels to not experience it. They say for the mom to get over it because she’s a mom. Sure that’s easy to say from an outsider perspective that doesn’t feel betrayed. I think the daughter should realize the impact of her decision and grow up: talk to her parents about it.
I agree that maybe things could have been done better on the daughter’s part… but I completely understand why she didn’t tell the mom. It’s a gamble of if the person will accept you. People can be pro lgbt rights… except when it comes to their child. It could make the relationship awkward. The mom could have subconscious homophobia… etc. That’s also not to talk about how nervous coming out can make you. You think your public speaking fears are bad? How about you tell your parents that you’re different from the rest of society and gamble if you get to stay in their house or not. There’s so many stories online about homophobic parents treating their kid badly, kicking them out, going NC, etc… that I don’t blame her on that basis alone. I don’t blame the mom for feeling hurt… but when everyone is a potential enemy to you, that doesn’t matter. It’s about survival… of course not lgbt people are like this… but I wouldn’t be able to blame them for being that way. Especially with lots of homophobia online/irl. The daughter could have seen someone getting bullied for being gay and decided to keep it to her self on that alone. There are so many factors that we don’t know… so I usually go to the side of safe rather than sorry.
No matter what her sexuality or even gender is she is STILL her daughter ffs. My boomer mom reacted the same way. I’m on year ten with my second lesbian long term relationship along with other flings and they still refer to my now fiancé and “my friend”. They can’t even pretend to care about us. I’ve been told that “your love is not the same “ which is beyond wrong. If I can be attracted to and love a women without needing male pheromones (the smell of men makes me nauseous and give me headaches. I don’t mean cologne either) it is more than “normal” human nature which is attraction to procreate. Heterosexual couples are often attracted by pheromones and visual. The straight female is more likely to date marry and breed with the strong male archetypes. Broad forehead large features etc based on the potential for strong healthy children to continue the bloodline and human race. So for a homosexual relationship it’s based on that and more. The connection ability to communicate and love unconditionally is a beautiful thing. My adult daughter came out as Pan and has dated many bisexual men and a few trans or gender fluid people. I want her to be happy and if she loves someone than I love them too
OK but the issue here is that you never stop regretting skipping your child's wedding if you're going to reconcile later. Because they haven't completely shut down and said they will talk after the weddit suggests that they want a relationship later. I mean do what you're going to do but lessen your regrets is the way I live
I was moved just an hour away when I was 12. It was devastating. I still feel strongly about it 23yrs later. I wouldn’t have met my husband without the move, but I still wish it wouldn’t have happened.
Ugh! Those in-laws making a big deal about the new baby being the “real male grandson” are pure trash! I’d go no contact if they tossed my son aside like that for the cousin. The OP is NTA. The in-laws are TAHs 100%.
Love all these stories where it's perfectly fine for a grown child to go no contact due to some extreme betrayal in their opinion, but its not ok for a parent to do the same. Double standards everywhere.
@ArchaicAlien X Grown child, so an adult. A parent is not responsible for an adult. When an adult child betrays their parents in whatever way, the parent should be allowed to cut ties just like an adult child could. No one should have to remain family with an adult who lies to and mistreats them.
@@archaicalienx1392 When they’re a child or adult-but-barely, sure. A full grown adult who’s awful and does something terrible as an adult? No, right goes both ways
The OP giving away their partners dog is an AH along with their partner. But the breeder that purposely bred a pug with a German shepherd is honestly the biggest one. Both breeds are hard headed and add the GSD anxiety prone nature, it's a recipe for disaster for someone that isn't use to those kinds of dogs (as mentioned in OP's post)
My husband took a step down to be with the kids so..the woman loved her job hope it keeps her warm at night her kids don't even know her. Anyone who says kids get over it lol must have had a charmed life
Women step down from their careers all of the time. She said it was hard to get a job in that field.They liked the money she brought in. What if the man was the bread winner? People wouldn’t question that move. I don’t see why they can’t get some kind of home in both places so they don’t have to cut off. Or move in a year after someone graduates.
@@laurenbaker8803 I've actually seen the "move after graduation" thing mentioned multiple times here. If the mother said to do that, then it would be NAH. But she wants to drag her settled family away from the life they've known ONLY because she got a better job. She didn't care about her family when she could have gone for a "lower paying" job -- only if it benefits her career. She's being selfish And, by the way, there are other posts on reddit where the husband tries to drag his family cross-country for his career and people call him TA. So your comment about that is nonsense.
@@jimbobjones9330 My opinion is just what it is. My opinion. I have heard and seen moves after graduations with fathers or mothers. I think it depends on how both parents work it out between them. The father is advocating for his kids here. It doesn’t matter what “ other people do or have done”. People are trying to come up with ideas. Opinions are not right or wrong. They are different.
@@laurenbaker8803 thing is, the move after graduation was suggested by the OP. Wife said no. Then OP states he wouldn’t force their children to move & she was free to take the job because she always chose the job over their children. And even with this move she is choosing the job over their children. She doesn’t want to move because she’ll get to spend more time at home. She wants to move because it’s more money & she thought spinning it that way would make their children choose her, who is practically a stranger to them, over their friends.
First story. Kids are 14 and 16. They should have a say in the move. Mom is being selfish for putting her needs ( I want to spend more time with kids) than the other 3 people in the family.
Man I feel like the response to story 1 would be different with a gender reversal. Wife made the career choice, now she wants to disrupt everyone so she can change it. Uprooting kids is not cool.
Not in my case. Any person that wants to uproot the lives of their partner without considering anyone but themselves is TA. Edit: Oh, wait, I think you're saying that if She was a He that everyone would be way more critical of him. Yeah, that I can see, because I've seen it in AITA posts before, where a guy wanted to uproot the family for his career, and everyone said he was TA.
@@moon-pw1bi As a younger kid, I agree. I moved when I was 7, then 9, then 14, and I enjoyed it enough, because I had time to meet new friends. As a junior in high school? That's messed up for the kid. With only a year left in school? Surrounded by all new people that you really don't care to meet? No. That's crappy.
Life isn’t easy. The mother is the one supporting the family. What if the father was the bread winner and he was forced to transfer. What’s the difference? The kids would have to be uprooted then. If there is no reasonable job for the “ bread winner “ to get near home then what are they going to do, Get a different divorce and the mother pays child support? It does look like nobody cares about her.
To the story about the 15 year old step-kid, NTA, as the dad is the one who should have just said "No, you won't even come here if you are going to disrespect MY WIFE like that." The wife was in a no win situation. And I was 15 once, I knew well enough to not do anything to burn down a house, not all 15 year olds are as dumb as people like to think. To the story about the Full name invitation, NTA, this is such a stupid argument, I feel that the friend was just trying to get out of doing any responsibility, it was a dumb hill for the friend to trying dying on.
Here's the thing, the kids were asked and gave their answer that they wanted to stay. OP's wife got mad because it wasn't the answer SHE wanted. If she decided to move anyways with the family, the kids will feel like their opinions don't matter. "Why did mom ask if she was just gonna make us move anyways?" Things that effect the entire family need to be discussed with the entire family.
I would never address my parents by there first name. The son is disrespectful and those who say he has a right to call his dad what he wants is just as weird as he is.
Story 1: NTA. OP and his children were used to his wife not being around and once she decided to choose her career over her kids, then that's too bad for her. I think it is a too little too late situation because she had multiple chances to change her career, but she didn't. She may think moving away is the great decision for everyone, but to take teens from their friends and life there? It seems selfish to me. Story 2: NTA. OP treated HER to a night out, not her and her friends. If she wants to treat her friends she should've paid for it herself. Also, I understand if she wanted to splurge a little on her dinner, but even then she should've asked (imo it's just an unwritten rule Story 3: ESH. Instead of grounding him, why not call him by his first name too? Or, have an actual conversation about it instead of grounding him. And the fact that OP's mom is staying out of it is kinda sus. Wonder if she has something to do with it? (like maybe the son might not be OP's) Story 4: NTA imo I don't like dogs either 😂 Story 5: ESH. "Already gave Adam enough"? I can't imagine how much the sister is going through but it's heartbreaking for. Did she even ask what Adam wanted? It's good the family is financially supporting her a little bit (in terms of Adam) but if OP and everyone really care about Adam, then they should've cared for him. Pool Story: NTA. The sister not only brought a kid to a childfree party but abandoned him with OP. OP didn't do anything wrong imo because she NEVER consented to watching a kid. If OP leaves and something happens, that's on the sister not OP. I get the ESH comments but to me if the sister wasn't responsible for her own child, why should OP?
That's what happens when you choose your career over your family. You eventually lose sight of what a family is and there for lose your family. The mom was so absent in her kids lives that they've learned to live without her. The stay-at-home dad is in the right as far as I can tell. You can't pick these kids lives up so drastically at their age! It's not like their babies and can't decide for themselves. A career comes second to family. Mom put career first. There for mom loses family.
Story 1; I find it hilarious people defending the workaholic mothers point of view simply on the grounds she's a woman. If the roles were reversed everyone would claim the OP was nta and suggesting the spouse move across the country alone and just send money to to family. Everyone is fine isolating a workaholic father from their wife and children since "kids belong with the mother." But soon as the genders are swapped then suddenly the mom being a workaholic is a good thing and everyone should just worship the ground she walks on and appreciate her sacrifices. God I hate this double standard
It doesn't matter the the gender the kids are 16 they're not young kids I've moved through out my life too due to the same reason as the story and iam fine it's not that big of a deal to move nd that person is a workoholic to earn money no one wants to work just to work this is just a case of ungreatfull people
@@thebushbros6626 wdym it's too late to move out it's not a gameshow or sum sport that has a time limit she still meets them half a year she earns majority of the wealth the sheer stupidity is insane from people
@@dooomswear303 I mean it’s at a point where if they all move out, everyone’s lives will be ruined. The only thing that won’t change is the mother’s life as she’ll still be in work a lot.
@@thebushbros6626 omg don't u appreciate teh person that keeps you alive even a little that's their mum literally their mum the selfishness is over 9000
28:42 if op feels this strongly, they should ask the sister for power of attorney over their nephew, and start taking over as caretaker. Then they can talk.
OP should have spoken up. And even more before they got to bar and stopped when she tried to order expensive drinks for everyone. I would have made her pay
Story One: There is no guarantee that the kids will get over it, frankly teenage suicide is very much a thing & depending on if they can adapt to the new school, such events are not unheard of in these circumstances. If you do go with it, Therapy for everyone, both individually & as a family is going to be a very good idea. The kids are used to basically living a single parent family, it's possible that the kids will resent their mother for moving them as by this point she's basically a stranger to them. In some ways as often as you guys have been apart the marriage may be doomed regardless, if one of the kids does something drastic I am CERTAIN it will be. Story Two: WE are going to a dinner, not me & your friends are going out to party. This is a BIG red flag.
Even if you don't bring suicide into the mix, what does the mother envision? Her kids, who are now pissed they lost all of their friends and life, are going to sit around baking cupcakes with her and living a Betty Crocker lifestyle just because that's what she can finally do? (Also, let's face it -- if this is a promotion, she'll have LESS time for family, even without the travel)
Why is reddit so scared of discipline. Ohh he doesn’t call me dad and when I told him it affects me he just ignores me. They’re not equal. As a father he has made sacrifices for his son and he is teaching his son how to be a man. If redditors don’t understand how not calling your father dad and by your name instead is disrespectful. Are you kidding me? Calling someone dad is letting the dad know you respect him, you listen to him and you appreciate and acknowledge the role he plays as your father. It’s disrespectful for that reason and the fact none of you know that is appalling. Stay away from your fathers you won’t treat them right
@7:05 this commenter is wrong, the 16 yo has 2-3 years left in high school, they will not get over the move. I moved cross-county halfway through my freshman year, I didn’t get over it. I had friends who switched to my high school at the beginning of junior year, they did ok socially but that move still defined the rest of the high school experience and they were in the same county as their old school friends.
@@ruthpowell1944 I mean if his excuse was spending more time with the kids that don’t want to talk to him and who will probably hate him for making them move I’d still consider him the asshole. The mom is the asshole because she couldn’t have given less of a fuck about her kids until there was conveniently a pay bump involved, which I think is the actual motive behind her wanting to move.
The wife moving 2000 miles. She isn't moving to spend more time with the kids. She wants the job to advance her career! If the new job required 3 weeks of travel a month, she'd still want the job. Why can't people see that?
Right?? Oh, she's just trying to make a living? If she works less the kids won't be able to afford their lifestyle and they'll resent the dad for some reason?? Those commenters were totally off-base. I usually think AITA's rumored preference for women is exaggerated, but this was a great example of "nobody would be saying that shit if the genders were reversed" :-/
Yes! And, she'll get to spend more time at home around kids and a spouse that hated the move. WHY would she want that? Hopefully everyone will come around and adjust but for at least a year no one but her is going to actually benefit and she'll get to come home to that healthy dose of teenage resentment every day. I can't fault her for wanting to travel less, I'm sure it's exhausting, but there has to be another option.
Being the primary or even sole earner comes with a bonus of second class status as a parent due to that absence. It isn’t fair, but that’s how it works. She knew it & now regrets it.
Exactly, she has not been daughters mom first, for 10 years. She has been career first then mom and now she expects the second place people in her life to move, so she can advance her career more. Hate to do this, but if the roles were reversed and the dad was the career parent, nobody would be questioning moms earning potential if dad took a less stressful job. I am betting Reddit would be telling career dad to man up and move on his own, so wife and kids could be rid of him.
Whos to say the job doesnt add travelling once they move, the only thing we do know is that the wife will choose her career 1st over her family so that doesnt bode well in the least
Story 1: Basically the Wife chooses her Career over what OP and her kids want for years and she is still doing that by wanting them to uproot their lives for her career and OP is the A-hole? WTF. I feel she is just using the "wanting to be close thing" as an excuse to get her family to move when that hasn't mattered enough for her in the past but now it does, sounds more like she doesn't want to lose the opportunity. Anyway it really is frustrating how the comments constantly have people giving women a pass just cause their a women while if the genders were reviewed everyone would call the workaholic husband an A-hole. They would call the guy neglectful and selfish but somehow its different cause its a female smdh.
For story one, I doubt anyone would side with the husband if he was the one with the job offer, since men are just expected to work themselves to death for the family
having worked in an "HR isn't about you, it's about the company" workplace, DON'T ignore management... DOCUMENT. when your boss tries to "dress code" you, grab the co-worker on the way, and go straight in. tell them "i'm the only one being told to change clothes"... then you're not a problem worker, THEIR boss is going to know that the problem isn't w/YOU...
The story about 4 yo falling by pool...he is not a toddler!!!! She is not the ah... everyone else should have been paying attention as he was the only child there..kinda stands out
I work catering so I’ve seen hundreds of wedding. Very often the immediate family where’s matching colors for the theme. I’ve seen a lot that don’t, but I will say it looks really cohesive when they matched and I liked the look better
It's tradition because the parents of the couple are part of the wedding party. MOTB and MOTG usually wear the wedding colors or a matching dress color as a sign of the unification of the two families.
Story 1 as someone who moved to a different state at 16 this drastically altered my life's direction. For the better who knows but if I had control of the situation instead of being forced into it I would have stayed instead of moving. Solid NTA your wife is just getting to reap the benefits of choosing career over family. People don't understand that to make the big bucks ypu have to sacrifice something and family is the least costly to most people. Honestly I wont be surprised if they get divorced but this will only make things harder to connect with their children. The wife is in a no win situation.
Totally agree with you. My father had a huge promotion when I was 12 and my family moved 250 miles. But, it sounds like the children are not as young and it would be a big deal.
1. Story: NTA the wife choose her career again and again over her family, she didn't want more time with the family, she wanted a better job, get forward in her career etc, but her family has always only been in the back of her mind the YTA comment acts like the children are 4 and 6 instead of 14 and 16 it is also obvious that her decisions made not only the children, but also OP estranged from her, she is NOT taking a paycut, she is just not taking the pay raise
Story 1: You can't have your cake and eat it too. She wants both the independence of glorious career life and a loving supportive family. Seems she made her choice quite a while ago. They both work so the "breadwinner" argument doesn't fly. If she wanted more time with family and is so capable, she'd be able to find a job that lets her do that, she's just selfish.
The higher earning person is always the breadwinner. It’s like that when men are that person. It’s the same here. Without their income, the family would struggle to live comfortably.
How the fuck are people saying NAH???? The husband clearly wants what’s best for the kids and the wife just wants what’s best for her. Not only that, she asked her husband to LIE and convince the kids it would be better if they move (it would not). When he denies her, THEN SHE FUCKING CALLS HIM AN A-HOLE and gives him the silent treatment. Like are you joking me? How the fuck is that not asshole behavior? The fucking double-standards on Reddit are insane. If the tenets were reversed, they would have CRUCIFIED that man.
The comment by erratic_bonsai on the 1st story makes me so rageful. After being uprooted so many times, this bullshirt from this commenter makes me so angry.
My mum and grandparents bathed me in the sink all the time they just cleaned the sink out before hand then after nothing wrong with bathing a baby in a kitchen sink
27:00 the family is quite judgemental. If you have never taken care of someone disabled, you don't know how hard it is. Plus she has 2 more kids! A nursing home can also be nice and meetups with the family can be arranged. Also, a job means so much to the self esteem and i can understand how the sister wants to be more than a stay at home mom relying on her family for financial support. So YTA.
I've been left home alone throughout different parts of my life, the worst that's happened is food going missing and a bunch of dirty dishes, or maybe even a few messes, nothing as bad as burned down houses or alcohol poisoning though.
Story 1:NTA as a kid who is going to college soon it is never a good thing to have to uproot your life when you only have a few years left in highschool
Story one : Pretty much in the position of the oldest kid for most of my teenage years. (With an away father instead of Mother, I must admit + He never tried to make us move away) Every single one of those comments are wrong. They're obviously mistaking Teenagers for elementary school children. If that was the case; yeah, maybe a grade school kid would get over it that easily. But a teenager, hell to the no! Teenagers are often closer to their friends than their parents. Neither I, nor my brother, really minded not seeing my father for what was basically 3 or 4 months in a row. We had, (and still have) a great relationship. But uprooting a teen, and making them move thousands of miles away from their friends, during some of the toughest years they've faced so far. Yeah, no. The only outcome for that is the parent earning a one way trip to a retirement home in a bunch of years
I was surprised how easily they thought a high schooler could be uprooted. Especially since it's not just about social stuff, there's also different graduation requirements depending on state and school systems. what's if the 16yo had already started on one set of requirements (things outside of just "attend and pass classes") and they're wildly different or not transferable to the new state?
Pff. If you as an adult can't get over the fact your parents had to move then it's a 'you' issue. Kids will be gone soon. The mother deserves a better job with less travel. Especially because the kids are so old and will be gone soon. Judging by their attitudes the kids have zero appreciation and already resent her. Why screw yourself over for someone that doesnt appreciate your sacrefice? It's high time she thinks of herself because her family clearly won't.
As a teen, I LOVED being left alone and frequently begged to be for days. It builds a sense of responsibility. Nta. Also unpopular opinion but OP leaving the 4 year old alone, nta. The parent is. Not everyone knows how to care for a child, not all women have a maternal instinct. The sister sucks and the family sucks.
As the kid who got uprooted twice (once to a different country, once to a different city) OP's words made me tear up.
Both times we moved I became very depressed over losing my friends, my home and everything else i left behind. That feeling of just wanting to go home but knowing that there is no "home" anymore. It took years for the new place to feel somewhat like "home".
I know my that my friends who have also moved have had the same experience.
My parents never cared about my opinion. Just announced it and made me start packing.
A move can be something exciting if it's something YOU want but for someone being forced to leave like that its loosing everything you know and love.
The wife doesn't care about the daughters. She only cares about her career. So she can go move there herself .
old comment but I need to share. yea a move can be exciting and I think if done at different stages can be fine (like you're changing schools for a grade anyway). But with the two girls at important life stages, they're prepping for college, these are vital few years. I was moved around ALOT....ALOT ALOT growing up. I can promise you it can be damaging. sure free ride scholarships are hard to get into but what if they're so affected they don't even graduate high school? what if the new school is crap? What about their extra circulars? it may not even be available to them. True this could be a once in a life time chance for mom but it risks both her daughter's entire lives. If possible I'd say mom go ahead and do the move, stay in a little safe place, visit for holidays and such, girls can come over the summer; and when they graduate dad follow mom. Its only a few years and those will go by fast. she does have to choose between career and family, sadly thats how life works no one can have it both ways unless you are mega rich.
"Then you get in the car and you pull up to the new house and the kids run in to see everything and pick their new rooms and look at the backyard where the dog can run around and the basement they can hang out in and suddenly it's not so bad." There is zero guarantee that this will happen. Throwing glitter at this situation and thinking everything will automatically work out right in the end because you really want it to is wishful thinking. And those don't always come true.
Agreed, I've said it before I'll say it again: Whenever I hear "teenager" and "sports" in the same story, I think "scholarship opportunities". One of the kids is 16. That means if the family moves now, she has no hope of getting honors for having been in a sport for 4 years. Bitches love that shit and buy bitches, I mean college admissions.
@@Torichan888 Every time I was moved, my scholastic performance took a hit. I could not take certain classes because I had not had the pre requisites required by that particular school, and couldn't make them up at the point I was at. I ended up taking multiple overlapped 'required' courses because.. "You need state history to graduate!" "But I took state history as a freshman!" "Yeeeaaah....but not THIS state's history course. Have fun sitting in a freshman class to take a second state history course, senior! Oh, you think you need advanced biology for college prep? Too bad. Freshman state history for you."
I still hold a grudge over a particular move I was forced into when I was in grade 6. That's over 20 years ago. It's not always "oh they will get over it soon"
That's true, but the adults have to make the decisions.
I was a child who lived through it many times.
My parents had to make the decisions.
If they replied on their children to make adult decisions, we would have been in a far worse position.
@@monkeynumbernine Yes, parents make the decisions. My dad made the decision. And he pays the consequences for it.
Story 1: I’ve heard the opposite of this where the father was offered the job across the country and true community was saying he’d selfish if they moved because of uprooting the family etc. Reddit is a little biased.
Moving is more than social circles. In my school district, my school was the only one that offered a decent orchestra/band program and those programs are usually one of the first to get cut. Other extra curriculars are almost the same and will vary depending on schools. With moving, your essentially playing Russian roulette.
The kids are old enough to have a say & neither wants to move. OP isn't TA for not wanting to move across the country and uproot his kids lives against their will. OP's wife should've had a serious talk with him before acting like the decision to move was already made. Also based on the fact OP has encouraged her to take work that would let her spend more time with the kids for less pay leads me to believe they aren't hurting for money. Also OP would have to quit his job if they were to move so whatever income the household gets from him would need to be subtracted from the wife's "bump in pay" until he could find a new one, and that's if he could find one at all.
The wife isn't TA for being excited over a new job opportunity & wanting to take it but fact is her kids are at a point where they don't care. Their mom has been largely absent for so long that, like OP said, it's their version of normal. And expecting them to be gung ho for a big move so their mom can finally take part in their lives is ignorant at best. It's harsh but the fact is she may never get the relationship she wants with her children due to her being absent during the some of the most important years of their lives. Honestly forcing a move could do more harm to the kids than good. In their minds it could be "Oh NOW she's going to be around for important stuff after all this time? And all we'd have to do is uproot our lives? What a joke.". In short i think she's underestimated how much her absence has impacted their relationship and how they see her. And for people who say "but she was PROVIDING for them" kids care less about the money and more about the fact one parent was never around, especially when the other was always there for their events & important life moments.
I voted ESH here, but I can see your rationale. The whole story boils down to this: once an absentee parent, always an absentee parent, too little too late.
Yeah this father is used to taking care of those kids on his own for weeks out of the month and I bet she works long hours the rest of the time, he knows what makes this family happy and work. You can't be there more for a 16 year old and expect that to fix the lack of motherly attention. It wil just ruin their lives. It's also not the only job in the world, if she wanted to be a mother more than care about her career she could have set something up long ago. They do not need her anymore, she made it that way herself. That's no different than if she was a guy doing the same thing. Her kids are not 5 anymore.
@Talsong Kingslayer Obviously not since he's tried getting her to take a job with lower hours & pay. If they were hurting for cash he wouldn't have suggested it. Would they potentially have to cut back some? Sure. But if the pay off is her being there more than it's worth it.
@Talsong Kingslayer There is nothing to suggest they had money issues in the post, she just makes more money than he does. If she was going to pick advancing in her career and refusing to do other jobs and be home more he had to have a job that let him take care of the kids.
She's just refusing to look for another job that's more suited for staying home.
@Talsong Kingslayer Man the mental gymnastics you had to do to come to this conclusion is amazing. [8.9]
As per story 1. When I was 10 my father was promoted to the top position in his field. So they sold the dream home they were building and we moved from California to Virginia. The money wasn't an issue at all but I was miserable to say the least. Then once I got used to VA we moved to Utah at 16 which was a huge culture shock. Even now that I am elderly I often wonder how different my life could have been if I hadn't had to deal with constant drama growing up.
I understand. I changed school districts 11 times.
Oh, there is a huge difference in the culture of those States that must have been hard.
Moving can be okay for kids when they are younger than teens, but OP is right, at 14 and 16 uprooting their lives can be very traumatic. Hell, the oldest will likely be off to college in 2 years, so it's unlikely she will be be able to create any decent relationships before moving on.
My dad was in the military. There was no choice and everyone got over it. It's what you make of the new situation.
@@LRmama2019 Right! I grew up an Army brat and then married a Sailor, I don’t even know what’s it’s like to stay in one place longer than like 4 yrs 🤷♀️
S1: NTA. He’s not forcing HER to make a decision about this job offer or her family, SHES forcing HIM to make the decision…but really just threatening the family with her departure if they won’t acquiesce to her demands. she’s the one making the ultimatum.
I noticed something in story 1. The kids are 14 and 16... Yah NTA
But the dog can run around in the backyard!
@@SchwiegermutterRight? There’s a basement they can hang out in!
Story 1:Nta, in a situation that involves moving. The only reason it's a nta is the fact that the wife is not taking no for a answer. She is even willing to trump there wishes and wants to move anyway.
OP should divorce and collect spousal and child support
"you haven't sat down and discussed the situation with your dog". I LOLed. I don't discuss much with my dog either.
Story 1 from the husband's replies we can see that she has been choosing the career over the family so this will just making them do another sacrifice for her but like op said his daughters have been living like that for a while and uprooting your life just so she can spend more time with them when she hasn't for the past decade is unfair
People would give the husband hell if he was in her position.
For the 4 year old that fell by the pool I don't agree with everybody sucks. Its not her kid, it's not her responsibility. So many parents think they are entitled to other people's time.
I'm a bit on the fence... I think it's a valid point that the least OP could do is catch back up to the mother and explain "no, I won't watch your kid for you", to make sure the kid isn't alone. I don't think OP was an asshole as such, but I also feel like they aren't entirely NTA either.
@@guardingdark2860 Agree. Where were the rest of the family? If I hd a swimming pool & people were over... why didn't anyone else see child, especially mom. Why was child only one outside? I feel bad for kid who actually has an irrresponsible mother. And family. And the kid was 4, not 2. I call that past toddler.
You’re right except that he’s a real live human, and we don’t risk a child drowning because his mom deserves consequences for her actions. She should have found another family member to pass him off to before walking away. She could use the same strategy, “Here, Jake’s mom disappeared and I need to wash my top, take him.” Not because he was her responsibility, but because he was in danger of death of left unattended.
@@BlondeEyes7 I mean yeah he's a real human but if the mom isn't going to treat him with importance why should someone else? I get it but it's not everyone else's job to take care of someone else's child. It's the parents responsibility. And for them to just drop them like they are property to keep track of instead of an actual child, around a body of water, that's on the parents if he gets hurt. No one else.
Thank you. You bring your kid somewhere you don't get to dump them on the nearest adult and absolve yourself of responsibility. Hire a sitter or don't go to the party.
Story 1: if it was a guy in that position the family would be resentful as he is always working and never with the family.
But because it's a woman it's okay because she is the bread winner. Some people just can't see their own double standards.
Re: nursing home. I doubt anyone in that family truly understands how difficult full, round-the-clock care is. Imagine those first few weeks of having a newborn; how exhausting and draining it was 24/7, even though you loved them and it wasn’t the baby’s fault they couldn’t care for themselves. Now imagine that newborn weighs at least 120 lbs and they will never become more independent. Money isn’t the reason mom went back to work and put her son in a care facility.
I would agree, but here's the rub. She's basically throwing him to the wolves instead of actually asking her family to help with him and his needs, which they are more than likely willing to offer. If she says some BS like 'She doesn't want to feel like a burden' or something similar, then she's missing the point that she has a caring, loving family who is willing to help if she bothered to ask. But I digress that's looking too far into things. We don't know how the Sis actually feels or if the family is actually caring and loving.
@@tcrpgfan from personal experience, the family only offers empty promises. It a huge red flag to me the the only help describe is financial and the why she comments about disability/gov money even bigger 🚩. Unless they are giving enough money to completely pay for some at home nursing they are not helping the emotional, mental, & physical burden at all. For me to believe they actually will help out I need to see some initiative on their part. So many people WANT to help but it the same way they want to end world hunger or want to prevent climate change, they do it when it’s extremely convenient for them
@@tcrpgfan so the family needs to start the training and begin the paperwork to take full custody and responsibility for the child.
@@TTtiger373 This exactly. My oldest brother (in his 30's) lives with his dad and grandmother because my mom wanted to put him in a group home. They weren't ready when they took him in and still barely manage to care for him right, AND now that everyone is getting older there's no plan on what happens to him in the event that my mom,his dad or grandma pass away. They did more harm than good when they took away his opportunity for a group home.
@@tcrpgfan I know you probably mean well but i don’t think you have any idea what it is like being responsible for someone who needs intensive, constant medical care 24/7 every hour of the day. It is extremely mentally and physically exhausting, especially if you are pretty much the sole carer. First notice that when the family DID help it was only ever with the other kids/house and not directly the son, second rarely do people maintain giving any sustained, significant meaningful help and finally even if they DID help say 4 hours a day (highly unlikely) it still means the mother is responsible for the other 20 hours. A severely disabled person needs to have their position moved every 2 hours, some type of nutrition administered regularly (tube or orally), hygiene and toileting etc - all of this is not easy when dealing with a teenage, almost adult size person. Depending on the care facility the person could also receive better care and more appropriate stimulation and support in a well run care place where it isn’t only dependent on one exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed person.
I’m not saying that a person with high medical needs isn’t deserving of a loving home environment just that it is a momentous task to expect one person to do it all. I know because a similar situation happened to my 16 yr old cousin and even though we all helped and would even have him at our house for weekends eventually he moved to a home where he is very settled and happy now.
I was a private adult caregiver for 20 years. It is NOT easy to care for someone who is disabled.
You do everything for them, shower, toilet, dress them, cook, feed them, laundry, keep them company while doing as much housework as you can. I was exhausted at the end of every day. And I miss that now that I'm retired.
But, I could never have taken care of a child 24/7. 😔 That means you take them to the toilet whenever they need to go or change their sheets at 2am because they messed in them. Little to no sleep because you're always on call. That mom, needed to get her life back.
It would have been different if she'd had the ability to have round the clock caregivers. But, sadly, most just can't afford to do that 😢. So, cut her some slack. She still has 2 children to raise on her own. Which I did too. It's beyond "not easy" to do.
My grown daughter called me by my name out of the blue and I asked her why she said she was an adult now so she can do that as she doesn't need a mom anymore. I just got up and walked out of the room as I was afraid I'd start crying. I took a bit and composed myself and talked to her again I said hun I will always be your mom you will always be my daughter that won't change. I understand your an adult but it hurts my feelings that you said that and it hurts when you don't call me mom as I feel I worked hard to earn that title. She broke down crying apologizing she said she felt stifled since she still lived at home and felt like a child still she was just trying to feel like an adult she wasn't trying to hurt me. I asked if we had done anything to make her feel like a child she said no a friend had made a nasty comment about how it must be nice to have mommy and daddy still take care of her. I told her she works and pays rent and her own bills she's helping us out and to tell her friend to duck off. she thanked me and apologized again. You need to find out the root of the problem before knee jerk reactions.
this sounds exactly like a conversation I had with my own mother 😢 thank you for taking the time to talk it out with your daughter
If the roles were switched around in the second story everyone would be mad at the man for wanting to move his family across the country because the wife and kids built a life there while he was out working. People are unbelievable.
Making it a money issue was a mistake. That was clearly a respect issue. She disrespected him while they were out, and then disrespected him again by throwing money in his face
To the comment saying she's not selfish: yes. Yes she is.
She CHOSE a career that would give her no time with her kids. She CHOSE a career that required a lot of travel. She probably never had any guarantee that she would be able to get an opportunity like this. Which means she signed up for this.
Her daughters never CHOSE to have a mother that's never around . And they are definitely not choosing to have their home, friends, support systems, their WHOLE lives taken away by someone they love just because she doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her career choices.
The wife chose career or family for years, despite OP trying to nudge her the other way. Now that she wants to he’s the AH?
Sence she's gone over half the year, how many diff guys have fulfilled her loneliness over the last 10 YEARS sence she didn't want to take a job that would keep her with the family a bit more often
The thing is, the kids in the first story have already grown apart from their mother and no longer need a mommy to hover over them so of course the mothers argument that she’ll have time to be with them is useless.
The mother could move alone and just sent the child support and spousal support.
Because she's the one paying the bills. That's like saying a sahm is more important than a working dad who works to pay the bills.
If this had been the other way around and dad had the career and advancement there would not be so much flack.
Everyone needs a mom. That's why people who haven't gone no contact with their parents as adults . Still visit them and ask for advice. Adults & kids alike still cry when their parents pass away. Shoot.. I stopped seeing my grandmother as an early teen bc she couldn't remember me, before that .. I only saw her a handful of times after my family moved @ 8 years old. I'm 31 now and still grieve her loss. Men strive for a career and great paying job... But don't get flack for that. But apparently if a woman does that, she doesn't deserve love nor to be cared about? Dad can't ask the bread winner mom to drop her job so they both can bring home pennies. That's unreasonable & illogical, of course she's going to refuse.
@@Alisha21210 The dade is the primal caregiver in the story and the kids have no connection to the mom. Of course the mom wants to boost her career and the "you will get a better room" is just an excuse to sugercoat the fact, that the kids will lose their social net.
"my kid doesn't call me dad so I'm going to take away everything he likes! that'll help!"
Even a year later I still say the wife in the first story is TA. For their entire lives she has chosen her career over them and now she expects them to choose her career over their lives. And she’s not choosing them, she’s choosing her career and throwing paint on it and hoping they fall for the “but I’ll be more in your lives now.” OP is NTA for looking out his children’s best interests in this situation.
It doesn’t sound like she “chose” it, it sounds like the position of the breadwinner fell on her shoulders, so she stepped up.
Now she has an opportunity to be more stable and see her family more, and they’re unwilling.
I was a military kid, I’ve moved once for every year I’ve been alive. Moving is an option, the family is being reluctant because they’re used to the life they live.
That seems selfish- willing to use the money she makes but indifferent about having her in their lives
sounds much more like she had no choice but to provide shaming mothers for being the sole breadwinners is kind of cruel…my mom had to do that too so we can have a chance in life… i would never throw it in her face i am forever thankful for her sacrifices… btw we moved to another country bevause of a job opportunity for her…i was 9 and it was for the better!
Yes she's still choosing her career but now also choosing to wreck their lives.
And the two commenters above me can't read the original post where it pointed out that she has refused for years to back off her career.
The wife is TA. No one can convince me otherwise. I’m coming at this from the angle of 34-year-mother of two daughters, same age as OP’s. If staying near her family was a true priority, she would’ve accepted the position closer to them long before this move, even if it’s ‘career suicide.’ It’s her right to focus on her career; it’s not her right to decide how her daughters’ feel about it.
OP chose the role of a thoroughly engaged SAHD, a vital job that does not deserve dismissal or scorn. OP’s wife firmly chose the role of a traveling breadwinner, inevitably forcing her to miss a lot. No one should have to move so that *she* can try to forcibly make up for time *she* chose to lose. She’s thinking about her career in this move, just like she has been for almost 2 decades; he’s thinking of _his_ job as a full-time SAHD in this move, just like he has been for almost 2 decades.
He encouraged her to take a job closer to home, even if it means a pay cut. She refused. She didn’t move closer to her children because it would hurt her career. Being more involved in her growing daughters’ lives was less important than moving up the food chain.
This woman doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it too. No one does. I’m glad she finds fulfillment advancing in her career, but I believe her daughters (at least her oldest) may hold a bit of (in my opinion) understandable resentment; the comment of “to make yourself feel better” was telling.
If a couple makes an agreement that one is a stay at home husband/wife while the other travels, and the house parent does their job with all their heart, that’s great. However, the parent that chose to travel for half of their children’s lives does have to face the consequences of that (ex: not expecting to pop in and play happy family like they haven’t been gone for years and/or having teenage daughters indifferent to them.)
I am not doubting she loves her children, but it’s not their fault that they don’t have the relationship she wants or thinks they have. It’s an unfortunate consequence of her choice.
I think realizing that your child needs more professional care than you can provide is hard but very important. And it's a realization not enough parents have. Or people for that matter who refuse to give their elderly parents the professional care they need and would rather do a piss poor job taking care of them at home.
Story 1: Ironic that the commenters who are mad that the kids are choosing their friends over workaholic mom dont realize she choose her career for a decade instead of her children. She had 10yrs to choose her kids over her career but she choose her career. Also her new job offering is literally choosing her career over her kids which means she still cares more about her career than her kids. Shes willing to make her kids unhappy for her new job.
I think the oldest daughter’s comment was really telling- ‘not fair to move to make you feel better about yourself.’ She has felt her mother’s absence and is upset that she’s asking them to move (for her job) to finally be home with them... at 14 and 16. This is not going to be an easy welcome home the mom seems to think it will be.
@@j_g9109 to be fair the dads a piece of shit who has whispered in his daughter ears instead of saying things like, Mom has to work to pay the bills. My wife a stay at home and doesn't work. I have to pick up over time and work 12 hour shifts normally 5-6 days a week. My daughters have never been upset because instead of whispering in the ears about how dad doesn't care she tells them the truth. dad has to work so we can afford to live.
The out to dinner story; that one has me at a 30 / 70
I can understand the girl's feelings about going out to dinner because she got a raise. She was probably thinking that things are only going up from here so why not get the nice meal. But getting shots for her friends? I think she should have talked with her boyfriend and let him know that she would pay for them because, I cannot see a situation where anybody could ask their significant other to pay for all of thier friends drinks, considering it was only meant to be the two of them.
The Mom is right to how she and Dad feel. Daughter chose to lie for 10 years and has to deal with that. They are allowed to feel the way they do and Noone should tell them other wise
Story 1 is a classic case of gender based judgment. If this was reversed all those comments would be crucifying the guy suggesting the move.
Story One: NTA Both agree to consult the kids OP kept to that agreement wife didn't.
She didn't get the answers she wanted so now she wants OP to help her bully the kids till she gets the one she wants.
PS that commenter about the kids adjust then saying that the scholarship isn't guaranteed is ignore that at 16 the cost of moving will ruin any chances daughter for getting a scholar ship and may effect her collage prospects.
Extra curricular are important because as the said commenter half the people in collage had straight A's you need something else to stand out and that's extra curriculars.
Moving at that age really messes with them. Beside the risk of the new school not having the extra curricular she already in even if they do the extra curricular might not be important to the school or area (I moved at 12 and the sports that where popular in old home town weren't important here and were therefore underfunded. I'm not sporty so it didn't effect me but it would effect someone who was)
I feel like that user read "16 and 14" as "6 and 4." Cranky for a couple weeks? Have they ever met a teenager?
I moved when I was 16 five years ago, and to this day I have weekly nightmares about accidentally trespassing in my old house. I feel like this user is saying I was in the wrong for not just being "cranky for a couple weeks" and I honestly feel (probably irrationally) a little insulted. You know how far away I moved? Two blocks. I still talk about this to therapists, even though all that changed was the layout of the house, street, and a broken promise. I can't imagine the state I would have been in if we moved to the East Coast.
I moved at that age and it was the best decision our family made. The opportunities and amazing people I now have in my life would definitely not be available to me in my original hometown. It was definitely hard, but my family (I am eldest of 3) and I have always discussed how the move is not a regret. The difference was, we had a family discussion and parents asked for our input. We agreed to go, which was scary and hard to leave what was familiar, but in the end it all worked out. The reality is, this isnt a black and white issue and everyone has their own experiences. I think a family should really consider everyone in making a decision like that. And parents need to work out how to be on the same page in the end.
Let not forget the " more money for college" red herring. The parents should have a college savings plan already. Two years of socking extra money ( from the pay raise) will not make up for: lost credits due to transferring high school 2) lost extra curriculum activities. Harder to get a spot on the team as a junior than keep the spot you already have 3) lost letters from teachers for applications. It seems that so many people are focusing on the money part: " they are using her for her paycheck" , " they will have a better life because mom can buy more stuff with better job" , " she should leave and keep all her money to herself and make them suffer for daring to have different wants/ needs than her". The hypocracy of " they treat her like a paycheck" versus " she is the money maker so she gets the decision" is astounding.
Story 1, NTA. I’m recently 18. If my parents uprooted me when I was 16 I would be so pissed. I honestly don’t think I would ever fully forgive my parents. And it’s not just bc I would have been ripped away from my social circle. A good chunk of schools across the country won’t accept some credits. Let’s say I’m in my junior year and In honors bio. I move across the county, boom not more honors bio. Bc I didn’t take their physical science I can’t take bio, and bc I can’t take bio I definitely can’t take honors bio. The child will have to retake so many classes and that could really take a hit to their chances to get into college
OMG!! Imagine if the story about the wife wanting to move across country to get better hours and money was reversed!! Do you really think the wife would be portrayed the AH if she didn’t want to leave? I don’t think so. Because it’s the dad talking he’s the baddie. Also that person talking about oh they’re teens. They’ll run into the house and pick their new rooms and it’ll be ok. Screw dat!! We r talking about two teens that will be graduating school back to back in two years. I’m assuming here that this twit of a person doesn’t have HS students. 11 grade. Ring choosing. Sports. Homecoming. Music. Cheerleading. Checking out colleges. Sorry!! You DONT do this in the senior year!! Last year of school is to make sure you are all set to go. What is it with people saying it’ll be alright. They may live yea. But if I was 16 again and my parents made me move across country just so one of my parents had a guilty conscience because they finally wanted to stay home, I would be so mad I would not speak to them unless spoken to. Yes I’m that vindictive! And then I’d go to college and never come home. Seriously. If they could not think of me just once in their lives why should I do so for them. And folks that’s the way teens think!! I believe a lot of people forget that. Ugh
Oh, I speak to him. Occasionally. On his birthday. And father's day. And thanksgiving. And christmas. By text. I left. I moved an extremely inconvenient distance away with my kids. I went 12 years without seeing him in person.
Yes, reddit is sexist as always
I wish I had been able or had to move away from my high school because it was not that great at all. My youngest brother moved to the South with my parents when he was in the 7 th grade and had the best experience of any of us. But that’s me. I don’t think the dad is “ baddie “. I think the mother is being dumped on because she wants the family to move. If she’s supporting everyone, why shouldn’t she take the chance to get a job that is less stressful and also supports them. If it was a man, people wouldn’t question THAT too much. We don’t know her occupation. People often get crappy hours to earn higher salaries in some fields. Maybe she’s finally a supervisor after she put the time in. Why can’t they have homes in two places for the next couple of years and travel between them on vacations or whatever? With Skype, Zoom and all that’s used so much more now, why don’t people try to set up communication between them. Especially if she has a regular schedule now. Do they care enough or is she a money bag? Some fathers feel like THEY are. Not all women want to move where the husband does. It’s amazing the mother found something good in this economy. Doesn’t sound like she has been laid off. It’s more like the wife couldn’t get better hours any where else. I’d move with my husband because I love him and jobs for him were/ are hard to find. At one point, I would have almost moved anywhere but Alaska maybe. It doesn’t sound like the husband loves his wife anymore. What if they were army brats? They would have to move everywhere. I think the family has had it pretty easy. If they were really struggling they’d move, believe me.
@@laurenbaker8803 So what if they were military brats? I'm a military brat. I can answer that question, I can tell you how that worked out. But I doubt if you want to hear it. The question here isn't the husband...it's the kids.
@@shammydammy2610 I really would like to know. I think they have it easy settled in one place. I have some creative ideas about things they could do. I don’t know if anyone has really read it.
An animal shelter in my town has to have the approval of everyone in a household before they let you adopt any pet. Why you ask? Because of the insane number of returned pets that they were getting. This policy has worked really well for them as the number of returned pets has dropped significantly, A pet is not a good idea unless everyone is on board with it, since they are living things and not inanimate objects.
I'm British so I can confirm that formal invitations are sent with full names. Also, the Best Man isn't a huge thing that involves loads of things to do. Likewise, the MoH for the bride doesn't have a shit load of things to do. We don't, generally, have a 'wedding party'. We have a different way of doing things to the US. America is not the centre of the universe and we don't need to follow their 'traditions' especially as most of their traditions have come from Europe in the first place
As a American, I MUST inform you that the United States IS the center of the known universe. /s
Yeah, a TON of people here think that our way is the ONLY way. When I mention that Europe has BUILDINGS that are twice as old as
our entire country to make a point of other people having literally over a THOUSAND more years of political and life experiences, they
look at me like I suddenly grew 3 heads. One idiot even said "Well, maybe we should bomb those buildings."
WTF? It appears that as the population grows, the level of sheer stupidity rises logarithmically.
America USED to be a great nation, but after dealing with morons for 62 years, I'm going to have to go with 'Meh'.
Cheers!
@@Fred100159 I can take your 'meh' and live with it
Sorry you'll get this 1year later but...
British person here.
This is pompous masked as tradition. It's their wedding they can do what they want.
Like Op wants to- just say they want to and their not changing it. The fact that he didn't follow through with the full name throughout the wedding is pretty much a testament to the fact it's just pomp and not at all necessary to double down on. They're both dumbasses
He offered to take HER out as a treat. She abused that by buying rounds with his money. He should have quietly told her that he couldn't afford to treat her friends too. She would've been pissed. But that's not his problem.
In the story with the toddler at the bf birthday party I honestly have to say NTA. Op could have handled things better, but OP probably didn’t know how to handle the situation. I feel like all of the commenters expect her to be an expert in child care and that’s the problem for me. The sister is a super AH because she just left her kid with someone who probably doesn’t have that much childcare experience. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know in a sort of sense. She probably thought it was fine to leave the kid for a bit because she didn’t know better. Yes, bad things could have happened to the child, but that’s what happens when you leave a child with someone who is inexperienced with child care.
MOTG dress color: it's tradition for the MOTB and MOTG to wear dresses in the wedding color, or coordinating dresses. And they ARE IN THE WEDDING PARTY! They are part of the ceremony as the parents of the couple. Bride is NTA, MIL is being a brat.
Story 2: NTA, you don't go out of your way to spend as much money as you can when someone treats you to something expensive, he didn't say; "ORDER ANYTHING! MONEY IS NO OBJECT! IN FACT, DRINKS ARE ON ME!!!" and the fact that she decided to go ahead and make the arbitrary decision to order drinks for her friends with HIS money like she opened a tab was disgusting, she's his girlfriend, not his wife and you don't even do that to your spouse.
Reg. the story about the parents finding out the daughter is gay just before the wedding:
I agree that the parents should ask and try to understand why their daughter felt the need to hide from them, and perhaps there was something that could have been done from their side, but to find out via the invitation? Like some random acquaintance? I think this is a major asshole move from the daughter. I would be extremely hurt. She seems to have a nice enough relationship with her parents, and if she were so afraid that they would be homophobic to her, why is she so upset that they don't want to come to the wedding? If she was afraid to say anything all those years, she should have visited them before sending out invites, either alone or with the fiance and told them in private. That is the least that they deserved. And then they could address the reserves (if any) that they had about telling the parents. You don't let your parents know via an invitation, unless they're apathetic to you. Or horrible, in which case you just don't bother with them.
The one where the son starts calling his dad by his first name...the dad should have drafted a mock lease agreement for the son. When the son looks shocked...the dad would explain, 'well, IF I was still dad, I'd keep paying your way as that's what dad does. But 'first name' isn't dad...'first name' is a landlord.
So, rent's due on the 1st...unless you want to live with dad again. In which case, he'll be waiting with open arms because he's missed you.
The disabled child story hurt me to my core. My family is currently trying to figure out future plans for my mentally & physical disabled brother. His care needs have only increased with age and most recently he has become violent towards others. Moving him to a care home is one of the best options for everyone but we are terrified of the backlash. Ppl love to judge and expect you to do things they never would.
My oldest brother is in his 30's, he is mentally challenged and prone to outburst. My mom had a care home lined up for him but his dad and grandmother took him in instead. It did way more harm than good, now there are no plans for when any of his guardians die.
I'm so sorry. I do understand as I'm a retired nurse. If I'm totally exhausted working and then going home, it is so much more for the single person who has to care for a severely disabled person. I became the caregiver for my parents whose health was poor. They were still ambulatory, but taking care of them and all aspects of the house and yard, was breaking my own health down. I didn't have children to run here and there and no job. OP's sister has it all on her shoulders.
When my grandpa was in a nursing home we visited every day. (He broke his ankle but it was good timing because he’s Alzheimer’s was beginning to be more then we could handle.) We had two mentally handicapped people on are floor ages 30-40. They where very well taken care of. They wanted to do all the activities and secret handshakes with the staff.
I don’t see anyone saying they will take custody of her son.!! She’s burnt out
God I feel so much for the widowed single mother of 3 children, she’s working, caring for 3 children by herself and caring for a disabled kid around the clock. OP is banging on about how much she “helps”, but she doesn’t seem to be helping that much, it’s not OPs job, but she isn’t being as helpful as she thinks. Especially when she’s screaming in her sisters face calling her cruel, a monster etc etc, because her sister has admitted that caring for her disabled son is too much work for her and she needs professional help to make sure his needs are being met.
That doesn’t make her a monster, it means she loves him so much that she recognises she’s struggling and can’t give him the quality care that he deserves, and has made the incredibly hard and heartbreaking decision to get professional help, and she’s being judged for that?
I’m bedridden disabled, I have permanent nerve damage which comes with mobility problems, cPTSD & PTSD, and a bunch of other health conditions, I’m technically an independent adult female, but I require a LOF of help. I live with my flatmate who I have a sibling like relationship with (I’m emancipated, no contact with biological family, he’s an orphan) and he cares for me round them clock, I do what I can but I’m limited in what I can do, and I just need that help. This means I’m very aware of his needs, needing regular breaks, making sure he gets proper sleep, helping where I can, and being aware of how exhausting it can be, it isn’t an easy task. I feel so horribly for the mother being judged when she made the best choice for her son, especially when her judgmental sister isn’t offering to house her disabled son, for some bizarre reason…
Exactly!
I would never put anyone in a nursing home I worked in them
My parents moved us cross country when I was 17. I didn’t even get a say in the issue, but I can tell you how my life has gone since.
1: I hate this state. There’s nothing to do except clubbing. Pollution and crime are everywhere, and my network and opportunities are next to nil, which leads to
2: my social life never recovered. My old friends moved on without me despite efforts to stay in touch, and I never made new friends close enough to replace the old ones. My church and spiritual life suffered and became about me running activities instead of making connections, and my grades tanked which screwed me out of college opportunities. In short, I’m a 30 year old broke loner.
but my relationship with my parents is great😃👍🏽
I hated the state too. There was nothing at all I liked about it. I left it as soon as possible.
I have zero friends from any part of school before college.
And yeah, my relationship with my surviving parent is a shell.
So move. your parents could possibly be responsible for funking up the last year of your childhood. But that was 12 years ago you got like 50 year of life left in you do something.
You did move before the time of mass online communication, it wouldn't be as bad now (if I can have friends 7,000 miles away, they can manage a cross-country call).
Friends of the family adopted a severely disabled son before I was born. He wasn't supposed to make it to 10, but he is 43 now. Last year (2 years?) He went to live in a nursing home that could provide better care.
Now, their situation was different from the mom here. But it is more than feeding and changing.
What to go on vacation? Taking him would be a huge issue.
Since he is technically a ward of the State, they can put him in a home for a week or so.
He is happy from their reports when they visit.
I would say, call me by my first name if you like, but when you need something, call your dad, whoever he is.
Yeah good luck trying to get the kids to move and have the kids to hate them
16 Y O's do NOT run into the new house excited to pick their bedroom. They are almost never excited to start a new school with only 2 school years left. men have dragged their families around the country for their jobs and many wives have put their foot down to keep the kids is X city to finish school and head for college. Men were expected to move ahead and the wife would join them later. Good for the goose -good for the gander.
Story 1: NTA. Sometimes, unfortunately, you can not have both. You have to choose between career or family and it seems like this woman made hers. Not saying she doesn't love her family but being the breadwinner doesn't mean she gets final say on things that will impact everyone else. to uproot everyone because she'll get to spend more time with the family seems so awkward. She's going to finally get to know/ spend time with her nearly adult kids? Just in time for them to leave for college in a year or two? Awkward and maybe a little sad.
Yeah as your children get older it’s gets worse and worse to move them also a lot of time they get ostracised by everyone
Mom put disabled GPa into nursing home as she had 5 kids, and no other kids of his took him in or ever helped with his bills, she didnt want to.
Ooof 1:41:21 the “I don’t understand what happened” literally me telling my mom in multiple different ways why we need to improvise our relationship and hitting a wall every. Single. Time. Then leaving because I’m done!
I’d start calling him by awkward names. Aardvark, armadillo, penguin. Instead of his name.
Make it low key
The story "AITA for trying to teach my future children a little discipline"... the problem is DID THE FUTURE WIFE SIT DOWN WITH FUTURE HUBBY AND THE KIDS to discuss what rules would be, living situation would be like in the future?!? Future wife is more at fault for not having the "talk" with the children..... Their immediate response to the new situation is (at their age 15/11?)... a guy that lives with us and my mom. Nothing more. Nothing less. It's not going to change. The adults will just be spinning their wheels until they include the children!
The first story. Mum has chosen her career over family time for years and now she wants them to chose her career over the life they've built. Why do they have to sacrifice for her job when she wouldn't sacrifice for them? I don't think anyone is TA. She worked for her family but everyone missed out. They aren't TA for not wanting to uproot thier lives for mums job when they've already lost out.
I have a dad like that. He was gone so much of our formative years for work and travel, when I was a teenager I barely knew him. We have a good relationship now and worked through it, but the commenters have no idea what its like to have a parent/partner prioritize work to the degree that they neglect family. Its selfish. And I got sick just thinking about him trying to force us to move around that time, once again for work .. these people are naive thinking a workaholic will change and suddenly prioritize family. My dad literally had an almost fatal incident that left him disabled before he changed. And guess what, he is still working, but more balanced though. I love him deerly, but it will always be a sore spot.
he's 16 not 3 so that doesn't count. also maybe because I've heard too many of these stories, I would ask for a paternity test. maybe he overheard a conversation where the mom stated he's not his dad. maybe that's why he's shut down and why the mom isn't saying anything.
Ask a kid who moved when they were literally 10, it was pretty bad, it worked out sure, I made friends, heck I even got a partner, but it took a PAINFULLY long time, it quite literally took till my junior year, the year im in currently, to really adjust fully to having had left my home. I went from a little creek side house near a woodland area and a huge tree me and my siblings would climb on a neighbors yard that he let us play near, all in Virginia, to a small yard with annoying asshole neighbors in the blistering heat of Texas, not to mention how before I moved, I wasn't bullied, sure the kids were erratic and some didn't like me, but no one outright made it their mission to make me miserable, but when I came here, despite all the nice things, I was bullied
Severely
For 5 whole years till there was enough distance between me and them for it to stop being an issue, but the issue didn't stop, because it was genuinely so severe that now I almost blatantly refuse to speak to anyone anymore
That commenter that was all "but then you out everyone in the car and pull up to the new house and its all okay" these kids are in high school, I was barley out of elementary school and my own move royally fucked me up, the fact that the commenter saying YTA were sitting on the idea these kids who were almost done with school, with probably a life plan already, would be just "cranky" with the move is bullshit, they'll be upset they'll miss their friends, being able to physically hang out with them, what happens if they have a relationship, are these people seriously expecting someone to turn their relationship long distance for the wife that HAS arguably placed their career over their family? And besides, while the work is undesirable, OP did make a good point, wait till the kids are done with school, and can most likely move in with friends if they don't wanna follow their parents, and THEN make the move, or once the kids are done with school and/or college, then take the paycut and downsize
Story 1: I know someone that in the same position as the daughter.. she hated her mother so much and resent her father for going along with the move that as soon as she's older enaugh she left the home.. she tried and never manage to settle in the new place
What happened to her when she left? Did her parents even care?
Re.first story: You can't blame especially the 16 y/o. As things are, she's one foot out of highschool, if my calculations are correct entering or already her last year. A move would be stressful for everyone, the stress would affect her grades and being so far away from her friends would make her depressive at worst. Sounds like the wife wanted to be an independent, career-driven woman but now that her girls are all grown up she regrets the time that she lost with them and wants to have it back somehow. With the move she will only create an even larger rift between them.
No. It sounds like she is sane and wants to have a good future. Why should she keep on killing herself for people who don't appreciate it? Who don't care about her? Kids will survive the move. Life is like that. Stop acting like moving is abuse.
@@AnHeCor they will kill themself because they’re depressed from the move and losing their friends. The mom doesn’t care about their daughters health or wellbeing. She is still choosing her career over their daughters happiness. If she actually cared about her children then she would agree to let OP stay behind with the girls to finish out HS.
Story 1: Honestly, I think that it's pretty much over between OP and the career wife. She has time and again chosen to stay in her high stress job and refused to take other jobs that would've allowed her to spend more time with her family and she has the audacity to think that she can just uproot everything in her children's and husband's lives just to further her career and that everyone will go along with it? Yeah no, she made her choice, her children are doing alright without her around and it's far too late for her to try and play mother when they're pretty much almost done with public schooling and almost old enough to move out. Even worse is that she wants to basically force everyone to go along with what she wants and saying that only her opinion matters makes her especially terrible. And to those saying that OP should've done more for the family, he has been taking care of the kids, been there for their most important events in their lives and has a job that while doesn't make as much as his wife, it's enough to take care of their basic needs and gives healthcare to the family. So basically, I say that OP is NTA and he should have one final discussion with his wife to see if there's any way to change her mind and try to get her to work something out where it doesn't involve moving across the country and uprooting the kids' lives. If she refuses to budge, then at that point OP should divorce the wife and ensure that the kids stay with him and the wife can continue her career alone.
Haven't made it through everything but it also seems to be double standards. When it was switched in another reddit story, the opinions were very much against the husband to what I remember.
@A H That makes it sound like you think they'll want to spend time with her if she makes them move.
@A H So what, that was her choice. The mother is already out of the kids life. Your are just a white knight
@A H They are at the age where they don't want to spend time with mom. She's in fantasy land. The time to bond with them was years ago.
Aka she agreed to pay the bills
Parent who placed child in home. 1) saying " you can ask for help anytime" is a shitty thing to do to a caregiver. You should offer help.And not some vague "what would you like me to do?" Offer to watch Adam while mom goes shopping, takes the kids out. Do not just do what you think would help either. 2) why does the family think they will spend less time with Adam? They can go visit the home anytime 3) kids crying was a bad on moms part by not preparing kids. It is the best thing for Adam. He is now in a place where he can be cared for by people who are trained to care for people and they do get a break. The caregivers will work 8 hour shifts and go home. Being a caregiver at home is 24/7.
I’ve been listening to Aita for almost two years now, and that girlfriend throwing money at her boyfriend was one of the funniest moments I’ve listened to.
Story 1 nah. If they move there is a solid chance that the children will cut off their mother anyway. The kids are used to not being around their mother already.
You clearly didn't read it but ok
@@Wikkid124 I did read it. It's pretty obvious to me that this will not go well.
The mom is TA because she got upset at the kids for not wanting to uproot their lives to better the working situation of a woman whom they, for all intense and purposes, barely know and is never there for them. Why would someone leave their friends for someone they don’t know. Yes she’s their mother but she chose work over them all their lives. Even now she’s choosing work over their happiness. This isn’t a NAH situation because the mom is an AH
With the disabled son, not everyone is fit to be a carer. I could never do that myself, regardless of my relation to the person in question.
Especially when she's the sole income. OP and her father are dragging the sister when her mom and brother are the ones actually helping the sister frequently with Adam. Sure OP takes the other two kids but that's not the same as actually interacting with Adam. That's why Adam's grandma isn't protesting: she knows how much care he needs.
The lesbian story about her parents being lied to for over a decade is a clear example of Reddit not knowing how it feels to not experience it.
They say for the mom to get over it because she’s a mom. Sure that’s easy to say from an outsider perspective that doesn’t feel betrayed. I think the daughter should realize the impact of her decision and grow up: talk to her parents about it.
I agree that maybe things could have been done better on the daughter’s part… but I completely understand why she didn’t tell the mom. It’s a gamble of if the person will accept you. People can be pro lgbt rights… except when it comes to their child. It could make the relationship awkward. The mom could have subconscious homophobia… etc. That’s also not to talk about how nervous coming out can make you. You think your public speaking fears are bad? How about you tell your parents that you’re different from the rest of society and gamble if you get to stay in their house or not.
There’s so many stories online about homophobic parents treating their kid badly, kicking them out, going NC, etc… that I don’t blame her on that basis alone. I don’t blame the mom for feeling hurt… but when everyone is a potential enemy to you, that doesn’t matter. It’s about survival… of course not lgbt people are like this… but I wouldn’t be able to blame them for being that way. Especially with lots of homophobia online/irl. The daughter could have seen someone getting bullied for being gay and decided to keep it to her self on that alone. There are so many factors that we don’t know… so I usually go to the side of safe rather than sorry.
No matter what her sexuality or even gender is she is STILL her daughter ffs. My boomer mom reacted the same way. I’m on year ten with my second lesbian long term relationship along with other flings and they still refer to my now fiancé and “my friend”. They can’t even pretend to care about us. I’ve been told that “your love is not the same “ which is beyond wrong. If I can be attracted to and love a women without needing male pheromones (the smell of men makes me nauseous and give me headaches. I don’t mean cologne either) it is more than “normal” human nature which is attraction to procreate. Heterosexual couples are often attracted by pheromones and visual. The straight female is more likely to date marry and breed with the strong male archetypes. Broad forehead large features etc based on the potential for strong healthy children to continue the bloodline and human race. So for a homosexual relationship it’s based on that and more. The connection ability to communicate and love unconditionally is a beautiful thing. My adult daughter came out as Pan and has dated many bisexual men and a few trans or gender fluid people. I want her to be happy and if she loves someone than I love them too
OK but the issue here is that you never stop regretting skipping your child's wedding if you're going to reconcile later. Because they haven't completely shut down and said they will talk after the weddit suggests that they want a relationship later. I mean do what you're going to do but lessen your regrets is the way I live
I was moved just an hour away when I was 12. It was devastating. I still feel strongly about it 23yrs later. I wouldn’t have met my husband without the move, but I still wish it wouldn’t have happened.
Ok snowflake, just say u can't make friends at all
Ugh! Those in-laws making a big deal about the new baby being the “real male grandson” are pure trash! I’d go no contact if they tossed my son aside like that for the cousin. The OP is NTA. The in-laws are TAHs 100%.
Love all these stories where it's perfectly fine for a grown child to go no contact due to some extreme betrayal in their opinion, but its not ok for a parent to do the same. Double standards everywhere.
because it's their child, their responsibility. It doesn't go both ways.
@ArchaicAlien X Grown child, so an adult. A parent is not responsible for an adult. When an adult child betrays their parents in whatever way, the parent should be allowed to cut ties just like an adult child could. No one should have to remain family with an adult who lies to and mistreats them.
I am perfectly behind any adult deciding, for any reason, to go no contact.
@@archaicalienx1392 It does go both ways.
@@archaicalienx1392 When they’re a child or adult-but-barely, sure. A full grown adult who’s awful and does something terrible as an adult? No, right goes both ways
The OP giving away their partners dog is an AH along with their partner. But the breeder that purposely bred a pug with a German shepherd is honestly the biggest one. Both breeds are hard headed and add the GSD anxiety prone nature, it's a recipe for disaster for someone that isn't use to those kinds of dogs (as mentioned in OP's post)
My husband took a step down to be with the kids so..the woman loved her job hope it keeps her warm at night her kids don't even know her. Anyone who says kids get over it lol must have had a charmed life
Women step down from their careers all of the time. She said it was hard to get a job in that field.They liked the money she brought in. What if the man was the bread winner? People wouldn’t question that move. I don’t see why they can’t get some kind of home in both places so they don’t have to cut off. Or move in a year after someone graduates.
@@laurenbaker8803 I've actually seen the "move after graduation" thing mentioned multiple times here. If the mother said to do that, then it would be NAH. But she wants to drag her settled family away from the life they've known ONLY because she got a better job. She didn't care about her family when she could have gone for a "lower paying" job -- only if it benefits her career.
She's being selfish
And, by the way, there are other posts on reddit where the husband tries to drag his family cross-country for his career and people call him TA. So your comment about that is nonsense.
@@jimbobjones9330 My opinion is just what it is. My opinion. I have heard and seen moves after graduations with fathers or mothers. I think it depends on how both parents work it out between them. The father is advocating for his kids here. It doesn’t matter what “ other people do or have done”. People are trying to come up with ideas. Opinions are not right or wrong. They are different.
@@laurenbaker8803 opinions are wrong when you base them on bad logic. Like yours.
@@laurenbaker8803 thing is, the move after graduation was suggested by the OP. Wife said no. Then OP states he wouldn’t force their children to move & she was free to take the job because she always chose the job over their children. And even with this move she is choosing the job over their children. She doesn’t want to move because she’ll get to spend more time at home. She wants to move because it’s more money & she thought spinning it that way would make their children choose her, who is practically a stranger to them, over their friends.
First story. Kids are 14 and 16. They should have a say in the move. Mom is being selfish for putting her needs ( I want to spend more time with kids) than the other 3 people in the family.
Man I feel like the response to story 1 would be different with a gender reversal. Wife made the career choice, now she wants to disrupt everyone so she can change it. Uprooting kids is not cool.
Not in my case. Any person that wants to uproot the lives of their partner without considering anyone but themselves is TA.
Edit: Oh, wait, I think you're saying that if She was a He that everyone would be way more critical of him. Yeah, that I can see, because I've seen it in AITA posts before, where a guy wanted to uproot the family for his career, and everyone said he was TA.
@@jimbobjones9330 yep, it was in a story I heard a few weeks ago too.
ngl moving is not as bad as it feels at the start
@@moon-pw1bi As a younger kid, I agree. I moved when I was 7, then 9, then 14, and I enjoyed it enough, because I had time to meet new friends.
As a junior in high school? That's messed up for the kid. With only a year left in school? Surrounded by all new people that you really don't care to meet?
No. That's crappy.
Life isn’t easy. The mother is the one supporting the family. What if the father was the bread winner and he was forced to transfer. What’s the difference? The kids would have to be uprooted then. If there is no reasonable job for the “ bread winner “ to get near home then what are they going to do, Get a different divorce and the mother pays child support? It does look like nobody cares about her.
To the story about the 15 year old step-kid, NTA, as the dad is the one who should have just said "No, you won't even come here if you are going to disrespect MY WIFE like that." The wife was in a no win situation. And I was 15 once, I knew well enough to not do anything to burn down a house, not all 15 year olds are as dumb as people like to think.
To the story about the Full name invitation, NTA, this is such a stupid argument, I feel that the friend was just trying to get out of doing any responsibility, it was a dumb hill for the friend to trying dying on.
Here's the thing, the kids were asked and gave their answer that they wanted to stay. OP's wife got mad because it wasn't the answer SHE wanted. If she decided to move anyways with the family, the kids will feel like their opinions don't matter. "Why did mom ask if she was just gonna make us move anyways?" Things that effect the entire family need to be discussed with the entire family.
I would never address my parents by there first name. The son is disrespectful and those who say he has a right to call his dad what he wants is just as weird as he is.
Story 1: NTA. OP and his children were used to his wife not being around and once she decided to choose her career over her kids, then that's too bad for her. I think it is a too little too late situation because she had multiple chances to change her career, but she didn't. She may think moving away is the great decision for everyone, but to take teens from their friends and life there? It seems selfish to me.
Story 2: NTA. OP treated HER to a night out, not her and her friends. If she wants to treat her friends she should've paid for it herself. Also, I understand if she wanted to splurge a little on her dinner, but even then she should've asked (imo it's just an unwritten rule
Story 3: ESH. Instead of grounding him, why not call him by his first name too? Or, have an actual conversation about it instead of grounding him. And the fact that OP's mom is staying out of it is kinda sus. Wonder if she has something to do with it? (like maybe the son might not be OP's)
Story 4: NTA imo I don't like dogs either 😂
Story 5: ESH. "Already gave Adam enough"? I can't imagine how much the sister is going through but it's heartbreaking for. Did she even ask what Adam wanted? It's good the family is financially supporting her a little bit (in terms of Adam) but if OP and everyone really care about Adam, then they should've cared for him.
Pool Story: NTA. The sister not only brought a kid to a childfree party but abandoned him with OP. OP didn't do anything wrong imo because she NEVER consented to watching a kid. If OP leaves and something happens, that's on the sister not OP. I get the ESH comments but to me if the sister wasn't responsible for her own child, why should OP?
That's what happens when you choose your career over your family. You eventually lose sight of what a family is and there for lose your family. The mom was so absent in her kids lives that they've learned to live without her. The stay-at-home dad is in the right as far as I can tell. You can't pick these kids lives up so drastically at their age! It's not like their babies and can't decide for themselves. A career comes second to family. Mom put career first. There for mom loses family.
He's not even a SAHD. Dude has a job and was still the one raising the 2 kids as, effectively, a single dad the past 10 yrs
Story 1; I find it hilarious people defending the workaholic mothers point of view simply on the grounds she's a woman. If the roles were reversed everyone would claim the OP was nta and suggesting the spouse move across the country alone and just send money to to family.
Everyone is fine isolating a workaholic father from their wife and children since "kids belong with the mother." But soon as the genders are swapped then suddenly the mom being a workaholic is a good thing and everyone should just worship the ground she walks on and appreciate her sacrifices.
God I hate this double standard
It doesn't matter the the gender the kids are 16 they're not young kids I've moved through out my life too due to the same reason as the story and iam fine it's not that big of a deal to move nd that person is a workoholic to earn money no one wants to work just to work this is just a case of ungreatfull people
@@dooomswear303 At this point, it’s too late to move out
@@thebushbros6626 wdym it's too late to move out it's not a gameshow or sum sport that has a time limit she still meets them half a year she earns majority of the wealth the sheer stupidity is insane from people
@@dooomswear303 I mean it’s at a point where if they all move out, everyone’s lives will be ruined. The only thing that won’t change is the mother’s life as she’ll still be in work a lot.
@@thebushbros6626 omg don't u appreciate teh person that keeps you alive even a little that's their mum literally their mum the selfishness is over 9000
28:42 if op feels this strongly, they should ask the sister for power of attorney over their nephew, and start taking over as caretaker. Then they can talk.
OP should have spoken up. And even more before they got to bar and stopped when she tried to order expensive drinks for everyone. I would have made her pay
He would embarrass them both
Story One: There is no guarantee that the kids will get over it, frankly teenage suicide is very much a thing & depending on if they can adapt to the new school, such events are not unheard of in these circumstances. If you do go with it, Therapy for everyone, both individually & as a family is going to be a very good idea. The kids are used to basically living a single parent family, it's possible that the kids will resent their mother for moving them as by this point she's basically a stranger to them. In some ways as often as you guys have been apart the marriage may be doomed regardless, if one of the kids does something drastic I am CERTAIN it will be.
Story Two: WE are going to a dinner, not me & your friends are going out to party. This is a BIG red flag.
Even if you don't bring suicide into the mix, what does the mother envision? Her kids, who are now pissed they lost all of their friends and life, are going to sit around baking cupcakes with her and living a Betty Crocker lifestyle just because that's what she can finally do? (Also, let's face it -- if this is a promotion, she'll have LESS time for family, even without the travel)
Why is reddit so scared of discipline. Ohh he doesn’t call me dad and when I told him it affects me he just ignores me. They’re not equal. As a father he has made sacrifices for his son and he is teaching his son how to be a man. If redditors don’t understand how not calling your father dad and by your name instead is disrespectful. Are you kidding me? Calling someone dad is letting the dad know you respect him, you listen to him and you appreciate and acknowledge the role he plays as your father. It’s disrespectful for that reason and the fact none of you know that is appalling. Stay away from your fathers you won’t treat them right
@7:05 this commenter is wrong, the 16 yo has 2-3 years left in high school, they will not get over the move. I moved cross-county halfway through my freshman year, I didn’t get over it. I had friends who switched to my high school at the beginning of junior year, they did ok socially but that move still defined the rest of the high school experience and they were in the same county as their old school friends.
If OP was the one with the job, he wouldn't have any problem making them move. The old double standard.
@@ruthpowell1944 I mean if his excuse was spending more time with the kids that don’t want to talk to him and who will probably hate him for making them move I’d still consider him the asshole. The mom is the asshole because she couldn’t have given less of a fuck about her kids until there was conveniently a pay bump involved, which I think is the actual motive behind her wanting to move.
The wife moving 2000 miles. She isn't moving to spend more time with the kids. She wants the job to advance her career! If the new job required 3 weeks of travel a month, she'd still want the job. Why can't people see that?
Right?? Oh, she's just trying to make a living? If she works less the kids won't be able to afford their lifestyle and they'll resent the dad for some reason?? Those commenters were totally off-base. I usually think AITA's rumored preference for women is exaggerated, but this was a great example of "nobody would be saying that shit if the genders were reversed" :-/
Seriously why can’t she want the job for both reasons to advance her career and to spend time with her family
Yes! And, she'll get to spend more time at home around kids and a spouse that hated the move. WHY would she want that? Hopefully everyone will come around and adjust but for at least a year no one but her is going to actually benefit and she'll get to come home to that healthy dose of teenage resentment every day. I can't fault her for wanting to travel less, I'm sure it's exhausting, but there has to be another option.
Being the primary or even sole earner comes with a bonus of second class status as a parent due to that absence. It isn’t fair, but that’s how it works. She knew it & now regrets it.
Exactly, she has not been daughters mom first, for 10 years. She has been career first then mom and now she expects the second place people in her life to move, so she can advance her career more.
Hate to do this, but if the roles were reversed and the dad was the career parent, nobody would be questioning moms earning potential if dad took a less stressful job. I am betting Reddit would be telling career dad to man up and move on his own, so wife and kids could be rid of him.
Whos to say the job doesnt add travelling once they move, the only thing we do know is that the wife will choose her career 1st over her family so that doesnt bode well in the least
Story 1: Basically the Wife chooses her Career over what OP and her kids want for years and she is still doing that by wanting them to uproot their lives for her career and OP is the A-hole? WTF. I feel she is just using the "wanting to be close thing" as an excuse to get her family to move when that hasn't mattered enough for her in the past but now it does, sounds more like she doesn't want to lose the opportunity.
Anyway it really is frustrating how the comments constantly have people giving women a pass just cause their a women while if the genders were reviewed everyone would call the workaholic husband an A-hole. They would call the guy neglectful and selfish but somehow its different cause its a female smdh.
For story one, I doubt anyone would side with the husband if he was the one with the job offer, since men are just expected to work themselves to death for the family
having worked in an "HR isn't about you, it's about the company" workplace, DON'T ignore management... DOCUMENT. when your boss tries to "dress code" you, grab the co-worker on the way, and go straight in. tell them "i'm the only one being told to change clothes"... then you're not a problem worker, THEIR boss is going to know that the problem isn't w/YOU...
The story about 4 yo falling by pool...he is not a toddler!!!! She is not the ah... everyone else should have been paying attention as he was the only child there..kinda stands out
I work catering so I’ve seen hundreds of wedding. Very often the immediate family where’s matching colors for the theme. I’ve seen a lot that don’t, but I will say it looks really cohesive when they matched and I liked the look better
It's tradition because the parents of the couple are part of the wedding party. MOTB and MOTG usually wear the wedding colors or a matching dress color as a sign of the unification of the two families.
Story 1 as someone who moved to a different state at 16 this drastically altered my life's direction. For the better who knows but if I had control of the situation instead of being forced into it I would have stayed instead of moving. Solid NTA your wife is just getting to reap the benefits of choosing career over family. People don't understand that to make the big bucks ypu have to sacrifice something and family is the least costly to most people. Honestly I wont be surprised if they get divorced but this will only make things harder to connect with their children. The wife is in a no win situation.
Totally agree with you. My father had a huge promotion when I was 12 and my family moved 250 miles. But, it sounds like the children are not as young and it would be a big deal.
OP didn't mind all that money coming in, though. He doesn't have to work so hard.
I switched schools twice, once in elementary school, once in middle school, I don’t know how to multiply fractions because of this.
Lol your a moron
1. Story: NTA
the wife choose her career again and again over her family, she didn't want more time with the family, she wanted a better job, get forward in her career etc, but her family has always only been in the back of her mind
the YTA comment acts like the children are 4 and 6 instead of 14 and 16
it is also obvious that her decisions made not only the children, but also OP estranged from her, she is NOT taking a paycut, she is just not taking the pay raise
Story 1: You can't have your cake and eat it too. She wants both the independence of glorious career life and a loving supportive family. Seems she made her choice quite a while ago. They both work so the "breadwinner" argument doesn't fly. If she wanted more time with family and is so capable, she'd be able to find a job that lets her do that, she's just selfish.
The higher earning person is always the breadwinner. It’s like that when men are that person. It’s the same here. Without their income, the family would struggle to live comfortably.
How the fuck are people saying NAH????
The husband clearly wants what’s best for the kids and the wife just wants what’s best for her.
Not only that, she asked her husband to LIE and convince the kids it would be better if they move (it would not).
When he denies her, THEN SHE FUCKING CALLS HIM AN A-HOLE and gives him the silent treatment. Like are you joking me? How the fuck is that not asshole behavior?
The fucking double-standards on Reddit are insane. If the tenets were reversed, they would have CRUCIFIED that man.
No she isn’t
The comment by erratic_bonsai on the 1st story makes me so rageful. After being uprooted so many times, this bullshirt from this commenter makes me so angry.
My mum and grandparents bathed me in the sink all the time they just cleaned the sink out before hand then after nothing wrong with bathing a baby in a kitchen sink
27:00 the family is quite judgemental. If you have never taken care of someone disabled, you don't know how hard it is. Plus she has 2 more kids!
A nursing home can also be nice and meetups with the family can be arranged.
Also, a job means so much to the self esteem and i can understand how the sister wants to be more than a stay at home mom relying on her family for financial support.
So YTA.
I've been left home alone throughout different parts of my life, the worst that's happened is food going missing and a bunch of dirty dishes, or maybe even a few messes, nothing as bad as burned down houses or alcohol poisoning though.
Story 1:NTA as a kid who is going to college soon it is never a good thing to have to uproot your life when you only have a few years left in highschool
Love how the small"big" details get skipped by the commenters
Story one : Pretty much in the position of the oldest kid for most of my teenage years. (With an away father instead of Mother, I must admit + He never tried to make us move away)
Every single one of those comments are wrong. They're obviously mistaking Teenagers for elementary school children.
If that was the case; yeah, maybe a grade school kid would get over it that easily.
But a teenager, hell to the no! Teenagers are often closer to their friends than their parents. Neither I, nor my brother, really minded not seeing my father for what was basically 3 or 4 months in a row. We had, (and still have) a great relationship.
But uprooting a teen, and making them move thousands of miles away from their friends, during some of the toughest years they've faced so far. Yeah, no. The only outcome for that is the parent earning a one way trip to a retirement home in a bunch of years
I was surprised how easily they thought a high schooler could be uprooted. Especially since it's not just about social stuff, there's also different graduation requirements depending on state and school systems. what's if the 16yo had already started on one set of requirements (things outside of just "attend and pass classes") and they're wildly different or not transferable to the new state?
Pff. If you as an adult can't get over the fact your parents had to move then it's a 'you' issue.
Kids will be gone soon. The mother deserves a better job with less travel. Especially because the kids are so old and will be gone soon. Judging by their attitudes the kids have zero appreciation and already resent her. Why screw yourself over for someone that doesnt appreciate your sacrefice? It's high time she thinks of herself because her family clearly won't.
As a teen, I LOVED being left alone and frequently begged to be for days. It builds a sense of responsibility. Nta.
Also unpopular opinion but OP leaving the 4 year old alone, nta. The parent is. Not everyone knows how to care for a child, not all women have a maternal instinct. The sister sucks and the family sucks.