I'm avoidant. There is not 1% doubt. I Just got dumped and I'm reeling in pain. It has been extremely valuable to hear from this coach and other coaches that avoidants are bad at self reflection. I desperately needed to hear that multiple times and let it sink in. Because I delude myself into thinking 'hey I'm intelligent and honestly pretty in touch with myself.' man was I wrong. I see it now. it's been a very overwhelming experience to learn this stuff about myself. I have literally been shaking, like a dozen insights crashing into me suddenly and deeply. I see it now. I feel it. And I suddenly feel a crashing sadness over some people that I hurt in past relationships. One of the biggest mirage that is crashing down is I think of myself as kind of private yet authentic. I am much MUCH less authentic that I've been telling myself.
...that's a start but there's a huge difference between coming to and understanding of some bahaviours and actually realising them and fully facing up to them. I hate to say it but I'd believe any real change when I actually saw it. We all have to 'do the work' and that includes the avoidant.
Good start. I hope you continue your painful journey. There is hope for healing. When I think of my avoidant ex I always pray 🙏 for God to bless and help him.
Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it, and just because your dismissive avoidant attachment style doesn't mean you can't change it, it doesn't make you bad or wrong, especially before you started to heal just be patient with yourself and forgive yourself for the past mistakes ❤️🥰
I just recently had a relationship end with an DA. I didn’t want to as I cared for him but he would ignore my calls, texts and barely made any effort. When I suggested the breakup via text he called me, and completely avoided my text, told me everything was fine and that he’d promise to call the next day. Never did. Been exactly 30days today and never heard from him. Seems so strange and hurtful to have someone just ghost and not try, but realistically I had to practically beg for him spend time with me. Never doing that again! It’s hard to move on without closure!
It's worth it, No closure will only help to realize your own self worth 7 months & no closure.. It's getting better & better, because one day you actually stop caring
Perfectly said. It's "funny" how they fear being abandoned, but they have no problem abandoning someone else. In reality, they are actually Abandoning themselves. I'm finally understanding this after 9 of push and pull. I was discarded a few times. It has taken me over 3 yrs since his last discard to get over most of the hurt, trying to figure what actually happened and to work on getting past some of the hurt. He actually broke things off with me to return and marry his ex. His ex did such a number on him, financially, and every other way. And he realized that he had lost the love of his life. He couldn't stand the thought of me being out of his life, so he returned with tears in his eyes asking for me to return. We reunited in late 2020, and he is working on himself. He's not there yet, but we are getting closer to one another all the time. It can only happen if they want it and are willing to look at themselves and do the inner work that needs to be done. Your videos have been beyond helpful to me to try to understand and figure out how an Avoidant thinks and why they make the choices that they make. Much gratitude and appreciation to you. Thank you. ❤
Yep, I dumped an avoidant recently the first time she had a go at shutting down emotionally for no apparent reason, other than perhaps it was all too damned good. I'm not going to be in a relationship with an avoidant, they don't have a loving bone in their miserable bodies. Avoid the avoidant at all costs, unless you are addicted to misery and suffering, in which case they are perfect for you.
Thank you. Admit to yourself The relationship was unhealthy for both parties. L💚vE yourself. You're so worth it. Be kind to yourself. Choose you. Choose self care.🙌
Nuts. Because he's unable to self-reflect, he's unable to take responsibility for why he got dumped. The crazy blame texts are not even based in reality. When nothing is your fault (perpetual victim), you refuse responsibility and all your irrational abandonment fears are justified.
@Loveisallyouneed77 Yes. Forever. I took my cretin back twice before. It only trains them that there are zero consequences or repercussions to their oftentimes nearly criminally cruel treatment of us.
I've needed to see a video with this tone and message. Thanks for this. A lot of content out there assumes the DA leaves you first and this style often seems to get portrayed as almost cartoonishly narcissistic and unfeeling. Mine was very dependent on me and the victim mentality was intense in the aftermath of our split a few months ago after spending our entire adult lives together (about 25 years). It was (still is) really hard to disengage and stop accepting responsibility for him. He is a warm hearted person even if I can't wait any longer for his efforts to amount to something of substance, so it's comforting and helpful to see a video more suited to how gutting it feels to leave your lifelong companion in the face of their abandonment accusations and eclipsing self pity. It's very hard to walk away from someone you do care about and know probably won't do well without you propping them up.
I dumped my 16 years husband, it’s a painful marriage! He’s been seeing a therapist for 9 months and once a week! Didn’t see any results! I’m working to not take him back!
The avoidant I dealt with was also a covert narcissist. He'd cry bloody murder every time I tried to leave him. He'd insult, swear at, berate me and accuse me of things I didn't do...😒 He was incapable of looking at his behavior and seeing himself as an abuser. He mentally, emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me for 6 years. The 29th of May will mark the 2nd year I've been free from him and his abuse. I will celebrate. I'm at peace. I finally feel safe.
@@Ryan-yg7zc The healing starts once you truly work on yourself. I'd say after the 4th month, I was shocked by what I had tolerated. Everyday gets better. And truthfully, there's nothing to miss about an avoidant, narcissist or anybody that abuses or mistreats you.
Appreciate your style of explaining and almost everything resonates with my experiences and is so enlightening. The anxious dumps avoidants corroborates with my relationship and pain. We tend to feel guilty despite being a victim. It was an eye opener and brought relief
If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses) 2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for 3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems 4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased/mocked 5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating) Remember ALWAYS this process is all about YOU!!! Not him. He is just a catalyst. Consider, he may be your twin flame. Look into that. After he initiated your trauma, you're now left to deal with and to heal: all that has come to the surface. GOOD! This is a blessing. Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless. HUGE-HUGE gift! Major advice!!! Listen closely!!! NEVER ever CHASE HIM. He will run further and you will lose yourself more. You are the feminine. You are the divine goddess. You just be and approve (or disapprove) whoever comes along. It's a yes: you meet my requirements, or: it's a no, you do not. Be clear on whom you're accepting as a partner and DO NOT settle for less (or you just delay what's meant for you). Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up. It's all human, and in need of your attention. If you push it away, block it, or run from it... You will just have to deal with it later... 1) Put yourself first and foremost! 2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl. Glow up and level up. Be the best version of yourself. 3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities. And, Any time you have a painful thought/memory/flashback/worry/belief: 1. Find the belief... 2. Write 11 DISADVANTAGES to having the belief 3. Write 11 ADVANTAGES to having the belief If you can NOT find advantages then that’s EXACTLY why you're stuck!! When you finally see both sides... Your mind will STOP thinking about it 'cause your brain will be rewired. So you gotta keep at it, until you find the positive to the negative... And therefore, ultimately rewire your brain! AND REMEMBER: STOP making it all about manifestation when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION!
I dumped my avoidant ex after another slow fade and avoidant behavior. After 13 months she watches all my stories again, I miss her very much. What should I do?
Take baby steps and be very patient with yourself and her definitely don't jump right back into anything also have your boundaries coming from a place of love and curiosity also remember it's her behavior and it has nothing to do with you however just because they're avoidant doesn't mean they can act however they want and make sure you set a deadline like I'm going to try for 2 months or whatever that looks like for you and if things don't get better you might have to walk away never lose sight of what you want and who you are ❤
...that's exactly what happens, which is no different to how it usually is in the actual relationship. They hate themselves, they are certainly not capable of loving anyone else or accepting love. Terribly unfortunate I know
My avoidant ex used to talk about one of her exes a lot. Specifically the one who broke up with her. I was kept in the dark about what happened between them but she painted him like a narcissist and said he abandoned her out of nowhere. When I finally opened my eyes months later and endured the most confusing and hurtful relationship of my life, and decided to break up with her, I actually bumped into the best friend of her ex. Apparently the guy got the exact same treatment as me, and he really really loved her and chased her, and she kept hurting him in the same ways she hurt me, until he couldn’t take it anymore. I did nothing but cater to her and be there for her, and I won’t be surprised if she remembers none of that and hates me now, and also paints me in a bad light
@@sharkoj ….yep, I dumped mine giving detailed, specific reasons why, mainly due to her emotional unavailability and after the first time she completely shut down to me. Strange, but two days later I received an email telling me she had decided she was breaking up with me, giving two quite lame reasons why, one of which was me withdrawing from her (yeah, I dumped you !) This was clearly her way of attempting to delude herself that she ended it, by gaslighting or blame shifting. She also canceled non refundable flights for an overseas trip we had planned, I was paying the accommodation, she was paying for flights. She lost a few thousand, I lost nothing. That was another lame attempt at punishing me. None of this worked, I know who I am.
...yep, I did just that many years ago. I moved on very well, she hasn't changed a bit, has not had any successful relatuionships and is becoming increasingly bitter and resentful.
Im honestly thinking about it. I actually started to divorce him a few years ago, he begged me to stay, he promised to be the husband i deserved-I cancelled the divorce. A few weeks later..he went back to how he was! It doesn’t change.
...yes, other avoidants, They can both avoid everything in relative harmony. It may be quite soulless and lacking in love and intimacy but it can work all the same
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I'm avoidant. There is not 1% doubt. I Just got dumped and I'm reeling in pain. It has been extremely valuable to hear from this coach and other coaches that avoidants are bad at self reflection. I desperately needed to hear that multiple times and let it sink in. Because I delude myself into thinking 'hey I'm intelligent and honestly pretty in touch with myself.' man was I wrong. I see it now. it's been a very overwhelming experience to learn this stuff about myself. I have literally been shaking, like a dozen insights crashing into me suddenly and deeply. I see it now. I feel it. And I suddenly feel a crashing sadness over some people that I hurt in past relationships.
One of the biggest mirage that is crashing down is I think of myself as kind of private yet authentic. I am much MUCH less authentic that I've been telling myself.
...that's a start but there's a huge difference between coming to and understanding of some bahaviours and actually realising them and fully facing up to them. I hate to say it but I'd believe any real change when I actually saw it. We all have to 'do the work' and that includes the avoidant.
Good start. I hope you continue your painful journey. There is hope for healing.
When I think of my avoidant ex I always pray 🙏 for God to bless and help him.
I am stunned at your honesty. I wish my ex could be so honest. Good luck. I have faith that you'll heal yourself...and become happy with someone.
Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it, and just because your dismissive avoidant attachment style doesn't mean you can't change it, it doesn't make you bad or wrong, especially before you started to heal just be patient with yourself and forgive yourself for the past mistakes ❤️🥰
Keep doing the work. You can't change the past, but the future is up to you - and will be determined by what you do NOW.
I just recently had a relationship end with an DA. I didn’t want to as I cared for him but he would ignore my calls, texts and barely made any effort. When I suggested the breakup via text he called me, and completely avoided my text, told me everything was fine and that he’d promise to call the next day. Never did. Been exactly 30days today and never heard from him. Seems so strange and hurtful to have someone just ghost and not try, but realistically I had to practically beg for him spend time with me. Never doing that again! It’s hard to move on without closure!
It's worth it,
No closure will only help to realize your own self worth
7 months & no closure..
It's getting better & better, because one day you actually stop caring
The thing is avoidant have this victim mentality 🙄
Try dating a severe DA whose also a conspiracy theorist - everything is an agenda 😂😂😂.
Perfectly said.
It's "funny" how they fear being abandoned, but they have no problem abandoning someone else. In reality, they are actually Abandoning themselves.
I'm finally understanding this after 9 of push and pull. I was discarded a few times. It has taken me over 3 yrs since his last discard to get over most of the hurt, trying to figure what actually happened and to work on getting past some of the hurt.
He actually broke things off with me to return and marry his ex. His ex did such a number on him, financially, and every other way. And he realized that he had lost the love of his life. He couldn't stand the thought of me being out of his life, so he returned with tears in his eyes asking for me to return. We reunited in late 2020, and he is working on himself. He's not there yet, but we are getting closer to one another all the time. It can only happen if they want it and are willing to look at themselves and do the inner work that needs to be done. Your videos have been beyond helpful to me to try to understand and figure out how an Avoidant thinks and why they make the choices that they make. Much gratitude and appreciation to you. Thank you. ❤
Yep, I dumped an avoidant recently the first time she had a go at shutting down emotionally for no apparent reason, other than perhaps it was all too damned good. I'm not going to be in a relationship with an avoidant, they don't have a loving bone in their miserable bodies. Avoid the avoidant at all costs, unless you are addicted to misery and suffering, in which case they are perfect for you.
Thank you.
Admit to yourself The relationship was unhealthy for both parties.
L💚vE yourself.
You're so worth it.
Be kind to yourself.
Choose you.
Choose self care.🙌
Nuts. Because he's unable to self-reflect, he's unable to take responsibility for why he got dumped. The crazy blame texts are not even based in reality. When nothing is your fault (perpetual victim), you refuse responsibility and all your irrational abandonment fears are justified.
Sounds like a description of a narc
@Loveisallyouneed77 Yes. Forever. I took my cretin back twice before. It only trains them that there are zero consequences or repercussions to their oftentimes nearly criminally cruel treatment of us.
@@tredd9019
three letters:
B.Y.E. 👋🏼
Your videos are so on point. They’ve helped me tremendously. Thank you 🙏
I've needed to see a video with this tone and message. Thanks for this. A lot of content out there assumes the DA leaves you first and this style often seems to get portrayed as almost cartoonishly narcissistic and unfeeling. Mine was very dependent on me and the victim mentality was intense in the aftermath of our split a few months ago after spending our entire adult lives together (about 25 years). It was (still is) really hard to disengage and stop accepting responsibility for him.
He is a warm hearted person even if I can't wait any longer for his efforts to amount to something of substance, so it's comforting and helpful to see a video more suited to how gutting it feels to leave your lifelong companion in the face of their abandonment accusations and eclipsing self pity. It's very hard to walk away from someone you do care about and know probably won't do well without you propping them up.
I dumped my 16 years husband, it’s a painful marriage! He’s been seeing a therapist for 9 months and once a week! Didn’t see any results! I’m working to not take him back!
The avoidant I dealt with was also a covert narcissist. He'd cry bloody murder every time I tried to leave him. He'd insult, swear at, berate me and accuse me of things I didn't do...😒 He was incapable of looking at his behavior and seeing himself as an abuser. He mentally, emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me for 6 years. The 29th of May will mark the 2nd year I've been free from him and his abuse. I will celebrate. I'm at peace. I finally feel safe.
How long did it take to actually feel like you had turned the corner?
@@Ryan-yg7zc The healing starts once you truly work on yourself. I'd say after the 4th month, I was shocked by what I had tolerated. Everyday gets better. And truthfully, there's nothing to miss about an avoidant, narcissist or anybody that abuses or mistreats you.
@@fruitypopwhickle6806 Its certainly a painful and crazy experience. Never again 🙏
Damn. This is hitting hard right now…
@@asher-rainehorn understand completely... same, it's been 4 months
Reminds me of that healing " power of goodbye" song from Madonna
When I hear it I am determined to stay away from these types of folks.❤
Appreciate your style of explaining and almost everything resonates with my experiences and is so enlightening. The anxious dumps avoidants corroborates with my relationship and pain. We tend to feel guilty despite being a victim. It was an eye opener and brought relief
If you're avoidant,
you most likely have said to family members
who had a major role in your childhood:
"You only accepted me or liked me
when I was happy/obedient/emotionless."
This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms
of avoidant attachment:
1. Being overly self-reliant
(and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses)
2. Pushing down anger until it explodes
and manufactures the boundaries you crave
but can't always ask for
3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems
4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent
or even getting bullied and teased/mocked
5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors
that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy
(like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating)
Remember ALWAYS
this process is all about YOU!!!
Not him. He is just a catalyst.
Consider,
he may be your twin flame.
Look into that.
After he initiated your trauma,
you're now left to deal with
and to heal: all that has come to the surface.
GOOD! This is a blessing.
Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless.
HUGE-HUGE gift!
Major advice!!!
Listen closely!!!
NEVER ever
CHASE HIM.
He will run further
and you will lose yourself more.
You are the feminine.
You are the divine goddess.
You just be
and approve (or disapprove)
whoever comes along.
It's a yes: you meet my requirements,
or: it's a no,
you do not.
Be clear
on whom you're accepting as a partner
and DO NOT settle for less
(or you just delay what's meant for you).
Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up.
It's all human, and in need of your attention.
If you push it away, block it, or run from it...
You will just have to deal with it later...
1) Put yourself first and foremost!
2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl.
Glow up and level up. Be the best version of yourself.
3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities.
And,
Any time you have a painful thought/memory/flashback/worry/belief:
1. Find the belief...
2. Write 11 DISADVANTAGES to having the belief
3. Write 11 ADVANTAGES to having the belief
If you can NOT find advantages
then that’s EXACTLY why you're stuck!!
When you finally see both sides...
Your mind will STOP thinking about it
'cause your brain will be rewired.
So you gotta keep at it,
until you find the positive
to the negative...
And therefore, ultimately
rewire your brain!
AND REMEMBER:
STOP making it all about manifestation
when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION!
Great comment👌
Sorry to say that but they never self reflect and they dont do any work to fix themselves
Just get a dog. Woof !
They will protest and will say anything so you won’t leave or maybe this is when he was being anxious.
Anxious for sure
I dumped my avoidant ex after another slow fade and avoidant behavior. After 13 months she watches all my stories again, I miss her very much. What should I do?
You can either go in for round 2 or block her and move on.
Take baby steps and be very patient with yourself and her definitely don't jump right back into anything also have your boundaries coming from a place of love and curiosity also remember it's her behavior and it has nothing to do with you however just because they're avoidant doesn't mean they can act however they want and make sure you set a deadline like I'm going to try for 2 months or whatever that looks like for you and if things don't get better you might have to walk away never lose sight of what you want and who you are ❤
can they also become angry at you after you dumped them? Like building resentment towards you, because you left, rejected and abandon them?
...that's exactly what happens, which is no different to how it usually is in the actual relationship. They hate themselves, they are certainly not capable of loving anyone else or accepting love. Terribly unfortunate I know
My avoidant ex used to talk about one of her exes a lot. Specifically the one who broke up with her. I was kept in the dark about what happened between them but she painted him like a narcissist and said he abandoned her out of nowhere. When I finally opened my eyes months later and endured the most confusing and hurtful relationship of my life, and decided to break up with her, I actually bumped into the best friend of her ex. Apparently the guy got the exact same treatment as me, and he really really loved her and chased her, and she kept hurting him in the same ways she hurt me, until he couldn’t take it anymore. I did nothing but cater to her and be there for her, and I won’t be surprised if she remembers none of that and hates me now, and also paints me in a bad light
Yes all my fault!
@@sharkoj ….yep, I dumped mine giving detailed, specific reasons why, mainly due to her emotional unavailability and after the first time she completely shut down to me.
Strange, but two days later I received an email telling me she had decided she was breaking up with me, giving two quite lame reasons why, one of which was me withdrawing from her (yeah, I dumped you !)
This was clearly her way of attempting to delude herself that she ended it, by gaslighting or blame shifting.
She also canceled non refundable flights for an overseas trip we had planned, I was paying the accommodation, she was paying for flights. She lost a few thousand, I lost nothing. That was another lame attempt at punishing me. None of this worked, I know who I am.
Very very sad
If that’s my case, should i just divorce her?
...yep, I did just that many years ago. I moved on very well, she hasn't changed a bit, has not had any successful relatuionships and is becoming increasingly bitter and resentful.
For your sanity, dignity and self esteem…. YES!!
Yes, buddy
Im honestly thinking about it. I actually started to divorce him a few years ago, he begged me to stay, he promised to be the husband i deserved-I cancelled the divorce. A few weeks later..he went back to how he was! It doesn’t change.
Could it be due to incompatibility rather then avoidant attachment that the avoidant gets dumped.. is the avoidant compatible with anyone at all??
...yes, other avoidants, They can both avoid everything in relative harmony. It may be quite soulless and lacking in love and intimacy but it can work all the same
Not all not all not all but MOST.......are hopeless, dint waist your time.