The 3 phases of an avoidant relationship
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
- #attachmentstyle #heartbroken #avoidant #breakup #dismissiveavoidant #relationship #attachment #avoidantattachment #dating #emotionallyunavailable #dismissiveavoidantattachment #fearfulavoidantattachment #fearfulavoidant #insecureattachment #discarded #discard #divorce #lovebombing #blindsided #breadcrumbing
Stage 4- keep your power. Don't rekindle. Its highly likely to hurt and traumatizr you.
This happened to me.
Love bomb/triggered/dumped
They didn't love YOU.
They loved that you loved THEM.
They sabotage the relationship. Like a perfect boat sailing on the ocean.. they punch a hole in it so it sinks on purpose 🪓
Agree
Yep
plus they convince you first to get on the boat with them only to make it sink.
6 months and a week post discard. I'm glad she's gone. I'm also glad she didn't try to reach out to me as of yet.
“it’s blindsiding, it’s devastating and it’s absolutely traumatic.” - perfect description of what I experienced with my breakup
Yep that's how it went with the latest discard from them. They slow faded and then ghosted and then crumbed. I've not heard from them since they've done the crumbing. It's been a couple of weeks since they last crumbed. I am trying to move on. They will never change and I know I was used by them and wasn't love.
They fake the feeling of you being the best thing they've ever had and then on to the next victim and so they go damaging other people along the way.
The problem isn't what they do at the end making adult decisions. It's that they hook you, idealize you, and then throw you away like garbage. I'm all about adults being adults. These attachments are jerks. The damage is done. I did this cycle repeatedly. My mistake. It still hurts.
They are abusive and manipulating. They know exactly what they are doing. Heal and become secure. I'm secure and I paid no attention to him. Wished him well and silence😂
You’re mistakenly referring to what “they’re doing at the end” as adult decisions, not realizing that it’s not an adult decision and it’s a compulsive trigger in response to an often unidentified (or even identified yet unhealed) wound
I had no idea she was FA, so I approached her like normal person. She made me feel anxious bc i wanted to know what is going on and why she being is cold. So kept given her space but she continued to breadcrumb me which I founded so disrespectful and mean. So, her behavior pushed me to an anxious and made me feel jealous. I was right my gut feelings helped me to catch her cheating on with her phantom ex in her job parking lot. completely traumatized me for life and she was stone cold she no remorse or empathy whatsoever.
I didnt know about attachment until the entire thing was over, just 5 months. Just 2 cycles i knew this shit wasnt normal. I'm secure as heck. Mine was FA too. They are really just very poor human beings at their core.
@@johndoe8923-k2d yes they’re very sick and their behavior is cruel and disgusting 🤢
I'm with you brother! Been there! She belongs to the same street you cought her😂❤
@@johndoe8923-k2dscared, actually and don’t know how to communicate.
@@taylorbee4010 Yeah i literally asked mine "what are you thinking about". She sat there trying to get words out of herself for an entire minute, i kid you not, i just waited in silence while she kept looking away from me and froze up with alexithymia. They can't do vulnerability, and even a simple question will shut them down and there's nothing you can do about it.
The most clear and predictable personal error ever. They act like a robots.
Excuse i got..I need to figure out who I am, i need to be on my own.., if you catch the discard happening, end it! It will hurt but the slow fade hurts even more believe me, it will take time to get over it but you will once you give up hope and know your worth and tired of the pain, move on!! Find a secure person
It is VERY difficult to find a suitable woman for a 40 plus man nowadays. Tinder changed it all.
I don’t even dare to think that I can still have the ability to love again? I have never had such a tiring and long painful experience because of my overdraft.
@@marguskiis7711how did tinder change it all? And what’s wrong with being 40 plus? Unless you’re in the top end of it but even then you’re fine if you’re attractive. I have male friends who are 50 and 55 who pulled high quality women in their 30’s and started families with them and kids etc and are still happily together. I also have those same friends who had no issue dating and bedding women who were 20-35 prior to. They rarely dated 40+ by choice
This " loving partner " left him behind. I am a secure attachment so I have no problem walking. I am not dealing with the DA, FA or whomever. Their issues are not mine Life is too short to be on a see- saw with anyone. My peace of mind is priceless ❤
God that sounds like the most peaceful response I’ve heard of all. Most of us be on here watching 100’s if not 1,000’s of videos on 2x speed to try to understand the chaos they failed to communicate after the slow fade / abrupt discard
My ex did the 4th breadcrumbing phase -- so folks this is where you have the power, so use it. As a secure person I didn't take the bait. When he proposed via email this sort of sex-tinged casual comeback, I turned the tables and said - dude have some dignity. That's all I said. It felt so good and was showing him that his expiration date had long passed.
She told me on our second date that she didnt think she's a very nice person. I wish I had believed her off the bat. In the moment I didn't understand why she'd say something like that. Then I remember how she was getting texts from some "weird friend" and now I realize I was just next in line on the pain train. After she ruined things, I didn't want to be that "weird friend" for her to mention to the next poor sucker so I just blocked her on everything.
yeah, my ex hated herself, i should have asked her "why" and dig for details right then, but stupid me i wanted to teach her self-love. plot twists: in the end i hated myself for staying in that relationship and she still hated herself.
@@spiritwanderer777sounds like she taught you self-hate… and thus a lesson in compassion. Next time have self compassion and save yourself the lesson. Already got it right? Just poking fun and humor as a recoil from my own slow fade and abrupt discard after a beautiful 1 yr relationship that ran for the hills when I voiced a boundary
@@kevinkurgansky4479 she didn't teach me anything. by being with her I learned about the attachment theory and about my childhood wounds that led me to attracting and staying with such people. i learned my lesson, it was a painful one but I will never have to repeat it again. i don't hate myself anymore, but I did hate the silent treatments and constant distancing. I feel sorry for her for having zero ability to self reflect.
I’ve had several guys do this to me. But luckily most of them I was strong enough to not take the bait back, picked myself up, loved myself and got over them fast. The worst ones that are tricky are the ones who project and subtlety emotionally manipulate you into thinking YOU are the avoidant.
There was one particularly heartless one that really hurt me deeply. It was a casual thing but I didn’t realise I’d developed some minor feelings. He suddenly ghosted me when he went on holiday and never replied to my messages again. Months of pain, no closure and constantly wondering what I had done wrong. Then….nearly 7 years later he emailed me out of nowhere and tried to reconnect with me. I basically told him what I thought of him and told him straight that what he’d done was outright wrong and callous. He apologised profusely and felt guilty. But I don’t believe it to be true. I’m just thankful I got closure, albeit delayed.
I just put my head in my hands when I watch Chris' fabulous little videos because he describes almost perfectly exactly what I went though when I fell for the super hot DA who made the moves on me. Most confusing and painful experience of my life... never ever again.
I realized after the infatuation phase that I was with an avoidant (dismissive) and started in this type of video. He triggered so much in me. Me with childhood abuse, him with an alcoholic parent. Then in attempting to understand what was going on, I realized that I was ALSO avoidant. With more issues than I realized. So I started working on myself. He is not my problem to fix. That was an hard thing to let go of. I wanted to so badly to take this journey together, but he is firmly entrenched in his position. And he has noticed a difference in me. I’ve not gone cold, but rather I stopped chasing because of anxiety. I can’t tell you how much better I feel. I need to be responsible for my own emotional regulation. I have to say this to myself daily. It’s so hard. I hope the rest of you can heal. Don’t look at what they do to you or have done “to” you. Avoidants are very much tied by their past and they are “protecting” them themselves with little or thought as to how it impacts you, who is trying to reach out and form connection. Your hands will always be slapped away and it will always sting. You can never show feelings because it triggers them. You can’t even show good feelings like love. Because it triggers them. It’s so hurtful. Leave if you can, as soon as you can. Don’t wait for them to get better. I’m saying this as a recovering avoidant. My partner does not want to acknowledge or change himself. Fair enough. That’s his choice. We will never have a normal healthy happy couplehood leading to marriage and kids and a happy life together. Letting go of that limerence was the hardest and most painful thing. He is not the man I want him to be, or that he wants to imagine himself to be. Take off your hopeful and loving and giving rose colored glasses. Let go of the memories of the good times you have. Focus and see the person you actually have in front of you and how they treat you. If it’s no good, walk away with your dignity.
Both of us have only ever been with other partners who were not loving and compassionate because we have self hate. He denies it but it’s so obvious. I don’t hate him at all. I love him so much. But I won’t accept much more of his behavior. Cannot. Or I will slip back into that anxious terrible place. For the sake of self preservation, avoid avoidants as soon as they start their games. If you snag it quickly, you must ask them directly, why did you do that? And if they give you an unsatisfactory answer, say goodbye. Mine said, I’m trying to protect myself. I said, from what?!! I didn’t do anything to you stupid! Hahaha, that’s the only reason we are together. I’m not afraid he is gonna bolt because I am ready to bolt. So this leads to really blunt conversations. If you try to tiptoe around the avoidant, be super gentle with them, be super understanding, they will hurt you and hurt you until you are a damaged shell of a human. Yeah, I’m not judging anyone here. I’m messed up, but working on it.
This is *textbook* what happened to me when I met and dated an avoidant. So accurate it’s scary.
How predictable.
It amazes me that it’s so consistently text book.
Its wild. Crazy how she turned me anxious. Back to being secure
Being abandoned by a parent and not being able to express emotions as a child creates the same outcomes for all of the victims *fixed it for you
You described my relationship to a T. I loved him so much and he broke my heart. I had no idea what was going on. I had never heard of an avoidant 20 years ago.
Nevermind these theories.... it all translates into someone being a messed up d-bag who will waste your time.
Me too😢
I’m a fearful avoidant that’s worked on himself for 9 years. I just left a 5 month relationship because the girl was hot and cold. It triggered the shit out of me. We talked about it for 3 months but she kept just saying I had an anxiety problem and that my feelings weren’t related to her at all. I felt alone and scared. I was completely self aware of my tendencies, but I couldn’t take it anymore and broke it off. I was so ready to commit and work through stuff but I ended up picking someone who was likely narcissistic.
Exact same situation here. I felt this, it's so tough as we really have to steal ourselves to be vulnerable and try to trust, and then to have them destroy the trust again is so much more damaging for us. We must take time before trying again, heal, so we choose better next time. Well done for your progress, we can be secure 🙌🏼
I think she may have been both DA/narc
This is great content. Especially because you’re explaining it so clearly. Thank you for this ! 🙏🏼
I’m also having a request: could you do a similar video I can use to share with my DA ?
A video that explains in an empathetic non-threatening and non-judgemental non-blaming way what the DA is going through. A video that helps them creating self-awareness and thus creating an entrance to work (together) on the relationship in a constructive and loving way.
I do see a risk in this, because sending a video like this can be very confronting, but my idea is with the right introduction it could be a kind of last resort to try to heal the relationship and see if there are still chances for a mutual future.
I’m a positive minded person and am willing to go the extra mile when I think it’s still worth it, so am always looking for possible solutions. So it would be great if this would have a chance for success.
Thank you in advance and keep doing the great work !
Where were you years ago!!!! This is exactly 💯 what I needed to know. Thank you please keep it up why is this discussion not in high school, college, and church, on tv daily. Bless you 🙏❤️
If I become avoidant I’m not dating. I’m going to
AVOID
Being this way and serial dating is pointless..?
You dont understand. Avoidants are stuck in a never-ending hoe-phase. They try to stay in phase 1 forever, because its the only one they can enjoy. Which means an endless stream of sex, chasing highs, new men, new experiences.. they can never bond for real. Its pathetic.
100% percent on point. So very sad.
in my case,.my ex FA blocked me, started dating someone to feel the void. making no space to reflect, think bout what happened
Are the avoidants always on a depression state ?
No.
I an avoidant and have major depression
They often are depressed based on the way their psyche functions but they will never take it well if you even suggest the idea. Imagine not being able to express your emotions, not being able to form close real connections. Its a vast wasteland in their mind. But they will cope and cope by distracting themselves.
@@johndoe8923-k2dand substance abuse in some cases
This is so 💯 accurate. My wife of 20 years has discarded me, left me with two boys, stood outside, and said that she's cutting us off emotionally and left....sadly I can say that I have seen a human without a heart.
Thank you, Coach Ryan for these videos. It's helping me so much. Peace and love to you and everyone following you✌️❤
The expectation of telepathy is the main thing. And cheating.
This really helped the last part of me, forgive him and let go of the resentment. Thank you very much 💕
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I’m hurt, disappointed and perplexed. But, I am starting to understand the actions of my ex since seeing this video. I’m still so 😢
Me too😢
Same here. Totally broken
I really like your contents and enjoy the topics you bring. But why your audio quality is so unpleasant to hear.. please increase your vocal volume before uploading your video. Please compare your audio with another content creator. Appreciate if you can do it.. 🙏🏼
Watching this video I started to wonder If I might not be the avoidant. Since I had a really difficult childhood and teenage time.. Very unloved too. But I'm the one in the relationship who has her arms wide open for him. To spend time, to be here any time, to be the rock for him, a safe haven, to listen and talk. And my needs don't get validated 95% of the time. As it's too much for him. Don't worry, it's the basics, I don't cling. 😂 And I realised.. He's the avoidant.. And I'm close to being Done with our relationship, unless he shows me that he can walk his earlier talk. 💔
He told me at the beginning of our time that he was avoidant and didn't want a long-distance relationship. At the same time he said we were dating and how after every date he was positively surprised about something he hadn't assumed he'd enjoy but did.
Our last meeting was heartbreaking coz he exhibited care but also was in a fit. It was like two faces and two people inside of him battling each other. During his big fit I stood my ground, which his nasty face had triggered and his nice face kept bringing up as in I should have just stayed. No talking on our last night together. In the morning he hugged me as if I was embarking on a trip with the Titanic. Strange sparks of care but talking was as if he desperately held on to everything I said being hurtful. He was acting normal to others around us, would even ask how I was when we were alone but would have excuses of having to write something at 11pm and not able to sit next to me to watch the stars for some minutes. He is in therapy. I am watching your video still being on the phase of how I didn't have the tools to communicate better and would just like to show him I am learning to understand coz a will and steps to do so express care, do they not?
I totally agree with CR’s explanation. Things are even more complex when the DA/FA is someone who suffers from chronic depression and APD, which is a combination that happens very often. I have no problems turning away from an unhealthy relationship. I do have a problem disconnecting from a person who suffers from deep depression for years on end.
Sometimes it’s like is the person an FA or just secure and doesn’t know how to end a relationship with a person that is suffocating and inconsistent 😅
Or stay in it, building wall with one foot in and the other out depending on feelings…….
My DA ex came back to me yesterday, pretending nothing happened.
Here's my reply:
---
In truth, you never really cared that much about me anyway (as you know).
But I DID love you. And I really loved loving you. And maybe even more importantly, I loved myself loving you. So at least you can hold that in your heart.
--
Guess what he did?
Ghosted?
how long were you in no contact for before this happened?
No reply
ran like a dog with his tail between his legs lol
You probably confused the FF out of him with that word salad
They are not an fully grown adult they are a fully grown child thats the only part i do not agree with lol
They are fully grown adults who are emotionally immature and slightly traumatized.
Super super helpful thank you
You describe it really well
SUBSCRIBED!❤
Why don't avoidant get along with avoidants and leave the anxious for someone like them , who is the one to say opposites attract?
Because the anxious ones will cater to them. Avoidants will just leave them.
@@meditationovermedicationlol true
But why would avoidants leave them? If they too have very little needs for connection / vulnerability etc. wouldn’t it, in theory, be a perfect match?
They often say opposites attract in order for the healing that takes place beteeen anxious and avoidants triggering each others core wounds and fears and thus helping us to heal and become more secure.
waiting to see if we enter stage 4...were in over 2 months no contact and I haven't done a thing, healing, trying to move on and focus on myself, never been in a situation like this with an avoidant so im curious to see what happens
After a month of no contact, she unfollowed me, although based on what you have described, she is an avoidant. The breakup was sudden and for vague and silly reasons. What could that mean?
Wait one month more and then reach out yourself.
That someone new has her attention.
This is all great to know, but we watching are not the avoidant, I wonder what good this will do us? Analyzing someone else is only part of the solution. As you said, Avoidants don't self-reflect. Neither do highly narcissistic people, by the way, but thats another topic for another day.
We who are witnessing or dealing with all this can't do a damn thing about this. Most of these people will not seek help so what can we do? Not much.
And as far as avoidant people having neglect in their childhood, or being bullied or whatever, this isn't always true. Even some of the most popular, attractive, successful people can lack self-awareness and integrity, or have zero communication skills. Again, there is nothing you can do for this person. Pointing all this out to them will do nothing to push them to heal themselves. Mental issues and habits are like dealing with an alcoholic - they won't change for you - they'll only change if and when they're damn good and ready. Unfortunately, this is usually never. 🤷♀️ 99% of the time, they'll avoid accountability the rest of their days.
please do you have instagram or something? i need helppp
My avoidant ex is in the same friend groups. Hadn’t talked to her since the break up. Ended up staying the night with her the night we saw each other again. (It had been 4 months) The next morning was like the redo of the break up. She’s even colder than ever towards me. It’s like her feeling don’t exist anymore, and she acts like the relationship was super casual when it was not, brought her around my child and all. Worst thing is I’m probly going to have to continue to see her because of the friends we have in common. She’s upset I don’t want to be her friend?? And I’m upset cause she dosnt want to reconcile. Any advice…
Run far and fast
Been in your shoes...run its a cycle that never stops
This is a toxic relationship that must be stopped as soon as possible because it will happen over and over again until heartbreak occurs. Not worth it.
Consider it a lesson learned and distance yourself. It doesn't sound like she'll ever meet your needs so it's pointless to keep entertaining this.
As for the same friend circle, I've totally been here. Unfollow on social media and just don't show up to places you'll know she'll be. Aside from that, there's not really much else you can do with her being in the same circle aside from holding your boundaries and paying no mind. You can be friendly, just don't let it get past simple chatter.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithmeI moved all of her things from one apartment to another, literally everything, she knows she’s an avoidant and dosnt seem set on changing. Because I was a good bf and moved her stuff, she said it was a trigger for her. Lol… never felt so used before. She was front row with me at my sisters wedding 2 weeks prior to all this with my son. And now she just down plays all this like it was no big deal, like it wasn’t that deep. I should not want her back at all…. Just crazy how mean she is about it now.. I appreciate the responses. Feels good to vent bout it tbh.
Omg I think he’s both 😢
Thank you.
Thanks!
I agree with some of what you said in this video. It goes a little deeper and I'll tell you why.
For one, the FA and DA friends I have in my life all have at least one very loving parent. However, the other parent either passed away, was abusive, was narcissistic or abandoned them. In my case, I had a dad who passed away very young and a mom who worked so much my brother and I had to fend for ourselves and become independent at a young age. I always felt loved by my parents. I just knew when I was young that you need to get used to relying on yourself, not others. That's why when someone who is anxiously attached wants to emotionally unload on an avoidant, some don't understand that as they've always handled (coped) with their own issues. Some on the outside will find that flawed and say "well those are basic human emotions" as if you can suddenly reprogram someone into thinking like you. It's no different than when an avoidant tells an anxious person "why can't you deal with your own emotions and not put it onto other people"? They can't expect an anxious to change and regulate their emotions overnight either. It takes work on everyone's part.
A secure person will nip it in the bud fairly quickly. If they get triggered aka start feeling anxious or avoidant, it's because they have something within themselves they have to look into. Triggers are our best teachers. We learn a lot about ourselves when we feel a certain way.
Iyanya who does The Relationship Autopsy teaches you that both partners bring something into the relationship that makes it positive and also negative. There's never one perfect partner and one imperfect partner. Triggers happen on both sides and everyone needs to take accountability which is something many other relationship coaches will touch on. I'm not talking about abusive and/or narcissistic abuse either. Those types are a massive issue all on their own. I'm talking about two individuals of different attachment styles with their own set of flaws. Everyone flaw finds hence why the arguments start, esp during the power struggle stage. Avoidants do mostly keep it inside because they hate conflict and anxious attachers and FA's sometimes hold it in until it all comes out at once in a confusing and emotionally volatile manner causing the avoidant to retreat.
I hope everyone does a lot of good research on attachment styles from different coaches who have a variety of perspectives.
Good perspective. Happy to see a fellow PDS member have such a balanced view. It's not easy having a voice and sharing opinions on these videos so good on you lady! Just showing support girl. 🩷✨
@@LeeChrissy I don't know if you've talked to other members, but quite a few avoidants have said they purposely stay away from RUclips attachment videos because they're often demonized just for having this attachment. When they try explaining their perspective, they're completely pulverized in the comments and it's triggering for them. That's why I don't mind being a lone wolf speaking out. If they see at least one person who is empathetic towards them, I know they're grateful for it. Everyone says that avoidants don't want help and are incapable of self-reflecting yet when they try to engage with others to do some learning and self-reflecting, their views are essentially dismissed triggering their "why bother" wound. The school is more regulated and won't allow rude comments, only civil conversations. It gets a little spicy in there at times, but I feel like everyone is good about reeling it back in. Lol
Either way, much appreciated.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme yes I have!! Not so much in the webinars or chat rooms in PDS, but on the RUclips videos themselves. 💯
this entire video was exactly what happened. now I got the text 3 months later after she went out drinking with friends how she got a hangover and misses how i used to take care of her.
I'm 3 in 1: Secur Anxious and Avoidance ,so “ The 3 phases of an avoidant ” ??
I don’t even dare to think that I can still have the ability to love again? I have never had such a tiring and long painful experience because of my overdraft.
I hope to become a new person from now on，No any relationship , only God