What to do when your avoidant partner pulls away
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
- Here’s what you should do when the avoidant pulls away #relationship #avoidantattachment #breakup #dating #heartbroken #relationshipcoach #nocontact #relationshipadvice
Maaan, it's so disturbing my nervous system. This vicious cycle. I want something stable, not waiting for another shoe to drop. Been in this for 1.5 years and definitely made me more anxious and take away my self esteem
2 years here ... I relate!
Oh my goodness. So am I! 1.5 years.
I recently told mine I couldn’t stay because I felt the same way.
Same here. Ughhh. Ridiculous.
8 years here and just feels I’m going round in circles
@@jamiewatchorn7639 so sorry man, I feel for you. I wish there was a group that met once a week like AA... for people in relationships with DAs .
Avoidant’s put forth zero effort. They always play victim. They are lazy lovers. Lazy people in general. They put everything else over their partner. Even other people over you. Let’s take away the name ( avoidant ) they are simply toxic people which trauma that are not ready to be dated. Even if they come back, you need to remember they already left you, when you didn’t leave them. If you do take her back, be extremely reserved and allow her to put in effort. But remember you risk getting left again.
100% true!
10000000%
So true!!!! And that part about them being lazy lovers… 👀
well said bro 💯
Thank you.
Good luck having a mature conversation about healthy boundaries, expectations, and needs with an avoidant.
Yup!!! They have issues that need to be addressed before they can live someone outside of themselves!!! They are just full of BS and breadcrumbs because they want another notch on their bedpost!!
For real this is the reality
Nothing works, they start to deny and blame you
Rather than tiptoeing around them and hoping for a connection, which has every chance of emotionally devastating you again, you could just leave. You could try to find someone who will match your energy & effort, who will be your safe space, offering you stability & support, instead of the emotional rolleroaster nightmare avoidants pull you into.
When someone pulls away you pull away and keep it pushing with your life and find someone else who doesn’t have all these insecurities.
They want space? Give'em the universe 👋🏻
Make them an astronaut
I understand what you say. You give her space and time. she disappears for 2 months and doesn't even look for you, no interest.
Is that a normal, healthy relationship?
Not to mention the sex...
You can't give that much patience to anyone and get nothing in return but humiliation.
Not to mention that she'll push you away again... Do you always play this game with her?
It's a toxic thing, as much as it hurts, you give up on yourself..
You know what? I realised I am anxiously attached and the avoidant just made those tendencies worse. Near the end of the second connection/discard I expressed how I felt. Genuine feelings. And yes it drove them away but by then I was at my wits end. I stopped reaching out to them. Now a few weeks later they started crumbing. it’s not them approaching me with genuine interest to try again - they just want validation to see if I’ll still be around. I don’t want that anymore. I’ve started therapy on my own issues to heal. Regardless avoidants damage anxious and secure attached people.
Also I think as a secure being with unsecure, it's gonna make you more unsecure as well, no other way around
That depends on your frame. If you have a weak frame, tou will succumb as the secure one and it will showcase that you're not yet as secure as how you think.
Anxious - I disagree.
It’s normal to have open communication and transparency and convey feelings and talk through things when in a relationship.
Yes you are right
She literally told me on many occasions that she felt inadequate and unworthy of my love .
To all the FA's working on themselves, props 💪🏽
To all the people dealing with an FA, if youbtruly love them, be a leader and handle the situation. Not only will it help the FA, it will elevate you in ways you cant even imagine. Dumping them is you not seeing the bigger picture. Love conquers all. Do the work.
No thanks dump or cheat on them
@@themoonbleu627 not having integrity makes you fare worse.
Love does not conquer all. 💔
What if you are married to one? One minute we are good then I see the withdrawal. Now we are separated he left and came back home. He said I can’t give you what you need. After 23 years, It seems like he is having a mid life crisis.
Relationship with avoidant is basically all about them. You need to throw out your needs through the window just not to trigger them. No thanks. Fuck that and this kind of "relationship"
@@1224polo you actually don't need to do any of that. State your needs, if they don't wanna work with you just leave. They have needs and boundaries too. Do you think they should toss those out the window to walk on eggshells so as not to create an emotional volatile reaction from their partner? I've seen the anxious/avoidant relationship play out in real time and it's not pretty from either end.
The morale of the story here is don't chase, attract. Work on yourself. Transform that anxious attachment style into a secure one. Let them come to you. Let them initiate contact. Let them be themselves while you grow, only then will you be able to make the right decison. Always remember, whats meant to be will be.
Just what i needed, the solution i wanted so badly. Thank you, very practicle!!
Here is the best advice that none of these RUclipsrs will give but is the best advice. If you’re dating a DA… dump them, file for divorce or just leave them. They are damaged and will never fix themselves as long as you’re enabling them by staying. If you are interested in a dismissive avoidant. RUN!
True. These people need to be by themselves and heal
I'm a fearful avoidant and I messed up with a couple of friends and felt the need to pull away and unfairly tested them where they didn't give me any reassurance. Truth was I guess I was scared of abandonment so I tried to abandon them first. But also they don't have secure attachment styles and little incongruencies here and there triggered me and I wasn't able to communicate that to them in a healthy way. I tried to apologize before I was fully ready and they refused to have a conversation and they've decided to stonewall me. Not sure how I feel or what I should do now. I want to encourage a conversation but it's hard in this situation if only one party is willing to talk. I realized I did something similar with my ex. I regret it and wish I did better and I want to fix this but I'm struggling to find out how and people don't want to try and understand.
you're putting in the effort and I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for that. you can never be sure that things are reparable, all you can do is try your best to be a better person and hopefully learn from your past mistakes. definitely have some empathy for yourself!
Exactly happened in my college days, it broke me when they stonewalled. I made up my mind never to return, I guarded my emotions and this spiralled into much more future injuries. I'm now full blown avoidant on the journey to healing.
Damn, makes sense. Only realising now that I've been dealing with an avoidant. I apologized for my mistakes and gave her space when she started pulling back.
Thank you so much. I needed this right now.
You just gained another subscriber! Wow. This video was eye-opening for me. Thank you.
How about
If you are a dismissive /fearful avoidant get help and avoid us normal people that know how to love
So true 😂
Exactly, who has time for this
Yeah- thats what he said- I cant give you what you need- I responded- I don’t know what I need either😂 so hence the confusion
uuffffff the perfect match for a massive disaster . Life’s a beautiful Gift from GOD to waisted with wrong person. Just let them go.
Agreed, just keep walking and let them learn the hard way
Its such a mess. Was having a good time with one and after seeing a couple of concerts together where it seemed to me that things were progressing along, just silence. I chased, I confessed that I missed who she had been sometime before and got the "Im confused, I self sabotage" text. Should have stayed away but I stayed in the FZ for a couple of months. No more, been no contact for 2 weeks. Its like waking up from a spell.
I nearly got sucked in too, 3 month relationship- he sabotaged a couple days ago and instead of asking questions or chasing him I just said “ ok, wish the best for you” and then haven’t said another word, I’m bored and tired of this garbage.
He can be all sad and traumatized all he wants, but he’s not doing this on my time, my life was way worse than his and I’m not out here pulling this sh*t
Anxious there’s room for self reflection. Avoidants seem terrified of self reflection
What if you do wait until they come back to the relationship and do show their emotions and you explain all of this to them and they comprehend it but still continue to do the same behaviors. All I ask for her to do is let me know when she’s feeling overwhelmed and needs space and I’ll gladly give it to her but each time she just goes off into avoidant mode and I’m left hanging wondering if this is gonna be the time I am being dumped. Happens every time. And I do get stronger and stronger each time in hopes that eventually she sees that I am not going anywhere.
Soooo sounds like me (anxious attachment) doing all the work... On myself, on giving them space and on communication
I vote let them
If they keep loosing people they will have to take a look In side and then might make meaningful change
If they pull away and come back ask them if they have considered therapy to figure out why they pull away. Don't bend over backward to keep an avoidant. If an avoidant isn't at the point where they want to heal their wounds, the behavior will continue.
What difference does it make if avoidant or narcissists when the basic core criteria of a relationship is not met one must get out of the relationship, relationship without empathy is nothing ,
When he pulls away leave him forever ❤
Didn’t watch the video, but the answer is simple, if they avoid you, you avoid them.
Perfect so well articulated. And easy to follow steps. Thank you. Scripts would help alot what to say to them when we are having a convo when they come back. Instead of blowing up and releasing the stored up lava.
Did they come back
@@kencarey6483 yes
You say hold back until they initiate contact with you again. What if they don't?
And 'having a discussion'. What would that entail?
I want to know that too. How long is acceptable to wait or just realize they’re not coming back at all?
@@nancye2000 I think the 'acceptable' measure is simply how long you are willing to wait on a personal level. We anxious people have a huge problem trying to find answers to our own problems in other people, when we should decide this kind of thing ourselves.
Lose the HOPE. It's over that's how you deal with it. Unacceptable behaviour to be dealing with in the long run.
It doenst matter if you give them space. They are gone. No matter what you do.
They only reach out to get rid of their guilt.
Block them.
Never look back.
Second round will be worse.
@@Jen-K-2024
Look how low he got you.
He dragged you into his hell.
End it for yourself.
Get up.
Find your dignity.
Will only get worse.
He is a loser.
The kind of pushing away my avoidant partner did was have sex with another woman because he can’t commit to me because of his fearful avoidant core wound.
Am I entitled to reach out if the guy I was seeing for more than 4 years suddenly pulled away and it’s been 3 months? Or I should just move on without even knowing why he pulled away? So frustrating…
3 months pulled away??? He has spoken to you? He doesn’t wanna see you? That’s not an avoidant. That’s a guy who clearly isn’t interested
@@joev7014 Fearful avoidants can disappear for months, because they disconnect.
Wow. That's something else. It probably couldn't hurt. If he left without saying goodbye then he doesn't deserve it. Might make it worse for you. Let him reach out to you. It's the best way.
Work on yourself. Hit the gym, hang around with you gf's, etc. Give it some time. I've been through it.
I found you on tik tok, your videos help me in my current situation with a friend, so I’m learning everything I can to better understand our attachment styles and it has helped tremendously. Thanks brotha
Thank you for coming to you tube channel ! Your videos are so helpful ! and also your voice carries a calming way of explaining things that helps with my present anxiety..Thank your healing words, soft voice and trying to make us understand this complex attachment ❤ He went from great communication, to having anxious behavior to leaving for a job and stop all communication , ghosted me and blocked me ...😢 I havent reach to him and I wont .. One part still in love with the man we spent timeless hours together and getting along great ( besides all our issues ) to being a stranger and never reaching out ...He split my heart in half and crushed me ...I am listening with my brain, but my heart❤ wonders ... I keep working in my healing everyday...I know it takes time ...😢 Thank you for being in You tube !! Sending light to those who are going through painful moments ..❤
Oh man!!! You just explained my situation perfectly coach!!! 😢
I realised that I am have anxious attachment style but only because I didn’t understand his seeming lack of response.
Avoidant women are emotionally damaged beyond repair. Have known a few ( far more than men - 99 to 1 ). Some childhood trauma not dealt with & never will be.
Never got involved with them, never will.
No contact rule comes in here, if she pulls away, Sayonara.
Oh yes, I abandoned him, a self fulfilling prophecy. And I'm done with him. I'm a feminine woman and I don't chase. A true feminine never chases. I felt disrespected and betrayed so I cut off all contact. I hadn't intended it to be permanent, but it actually is now. He's the farthest thing from what i want or would even accept. A masculine who is toxic and gjves me nothing but disrespect and betrayal? You best believe I dropped him like a hot potato. I'm not taking him back.
Wow! This video is spot on for my situation.
My experience was you give them a month of space, they keep taking more.
Hahaha I can relate 😂
Can it take 2-3 weeks for them to come around again? That’s not logical. If they fear loosing me, and I show that this won’t happen, they pull away???
There’s nothing you can do, they’ll just keep doing this and masking your life hell until you can’t take it anymore and leave
2-3 weeks? Try 3 months. She came back apologizing and after a few texts back and forth she disappeared again. Back to giving her space and doing my thing. 🤷
Whatever you do if they are gone you have lost.
For good.
I'm secure. I took several tests. He's an avoidant & I'm learning out to understand & deal with him. It's worth it to me. I love this video, it's crystal clear. Thank you.
Good luck.
If only there was more people like you in comments❤
Wish you luck:)
I wish you the absolute best
You’re headed for a padded room if you hang in their😮
So in the beginning she and I had this anazing connection. It felt like we were on cloud nine for months. Now shes def more reserved and ive asked on multiple occasions what the reasons for this are? Shes told me nothings changed, but her actions have and its confusing me. I feel like im getting bread crumbed. When im having a terrible day she show zero interest in asking why or wanting to talk about it. I feel shes emotionally unavialble and puts others above me. She def plays the victim too. So overall i want to make it work, but its getting hard and its def taking a toll on my mental and physical health. Thanks for the advice , i will definitly work on my own attachment style going forward. Appreciate the help!
Beginning of June I bumped into my FA ex (he run for the hills due to his fears, even though he has strong feelings) & it wasn't planned (after he pulled away, he started avoiding me & the street where he knows he can find me at a specific time, but few times he popped up there to see me from a distance and say hi, even 2 days before the "unplanned bumping into each other", but every time he had programmed to do so - used to program big emotional things too while together). We were driving home and I say hi, he slowed down, turned towards me and only raised the hand, looking like he had seen a ghost, I saw terror in his face 😢 straight in NC after that, to let his fears go down and not push him further away
But how do you know they are not a covert narcissist?
Since it's on a spectrum they might be.
Avoidants have warmth- narcs are cold as hell, try crying- it’s a test
Avoidants dont care if you cry too.
They are covert narcs
Does it really matter? I mean is that gonna change what they did or how it felt??
It’s interesting reading the comments. They are very anxious preoccupied. I think you all missed the point of this video, which is absolutely correct.
I feel attacked. I did the opposite of what you said, but i also didn’t know about what an avoidant person is. And yep, that’s exactly what happened. She hates me even more.
Wow, so many vicious comments. It’s really easy to hate on an avoidant isn’t it… There’s a reason why anxious and avoidant attract.
i was a secure partner but his avoidant behavior has imparted anxious attachment in me. So it's not my fault majorly and I have to work on to heal both of us because i dont want to end the relationship. he keeps on hurting me unknowingly and doesn't care about it until the last moment. I'm so fed up and frustrated with this pattern going on for about 2+ years. I don't think so i can take it anymore. I'm a secure person if the other person is not avoidant. But all of this is making me lose my patience now. I can't take it anymore I think I'll just break up at this point but he's someone whom I love and I don't want to give up on him but this is killing me from inside. it has made me insecure and kills my inner peace on a daily basis.
Do fearful avoidant women tend to listen to sexualized derogatory music?
Man thank you. I am just going through it now, and I really appreciate this video. Keep the good work up Ryan, well done.
Ran away second time when I confronted her about her lying, i got so upset and angry as I was also working really hard to build back trust
Can an Avoidant watch your series of videos and would it be of benefit to them?
Because this is of immense benefit to me as the spouse of an Avoidant
Wow this is good.
Yeah I screw it up with an avoidant guy for good idk anymore
I don't think anyone that has to go through this crap has any liability here.
To bad people can’t grow up and fix themselves.
Needed this thank you
Not helpful. What kind of discussion?
Sir this was extremely helpful
I have been keep texting and pressure him like for 3 or 4 times when he wanted some space. What is my chances to get him back coach. He did not block me yet but did not respond any of my messages. I really need help and hope :(
How's it going now??
A paradox. They frighten abandon but you cannot say you won't abandon them. If you are more sicure they will surely fell more insicure... what to do then?
Just let them be, don't chase, don't initiate contact and let them come to you, just tread carefully and don't get emotional when you speak to them, you have to focus on yourself and act like you almost don't care about their behaviour - see this as an opportunity to work on your own attachment style, use the pain and stress to grow from anxious attachment to secure, just remember what's meant to be will be
I'm the GF, so while he's away for days to weeks, may I date someone else?
Just block him.
And than date.
The same question 😂
What if they don’t come back ?
Life goes on if they do. Your life is whole with or without them
Then that's it. But your chances of he/she coming back assuming he/she is an avoidant is far better if you just don't chase them. The avoid when you get close/pursue. Not logical but it isn't logic we are dealing here with...
Good riddens.
Piece and time to heal
I've broken up with her
How long is acceptable space..its been 2 weeks weve been together a month am i supposed to just wait around in limbo bcs she wont communicate
No..don't wait..move on with your life and find someone who matches your love language
Going through the same thing. Work on yourself, on your own attachment style, work towards being secure because no other person can ever give you the happiness you're looking for, only you can. If it's meant to be it will be, so let them be them and you work on you.
This! Sigh.
And what if he finds another woman;
Praise god with all your being”, you’ve dodged a bazooka”.
Excellent information but the next time the mirrored sunglasses have to go! Makes me think that Coach Ryan is not comfortable one to one (and that may not be at all true.)
How controlling and presumptuous of you. He may have thyroid eye disease. A little humility goes a long ways.
@@Nono38-jj1tk I did add: "(and that may not be at all true.)" I still prefer to see a person's eyes in person or in talks -- that's a strong preference and that's not "controlling" -- it's just a strong preference and I am entitled to my opinion as are you. And for you to write such a strong preference you might develop a little humility too.
Why even bother gees
Simplistic and somewhat dangerous advice due to that.
Do avoidants fall in love at all?
Themselfs 😂😂
PEOPLE!! It’s a common courtesy to remove your sunglasses when speaking to someone!! (Just sayin’!) It’s respectful that you want people to be able to see your eyes AND you want to see theirs!
I’ll think of listening once he removes his sunglasses-then I’ll think of subscribing if I like the content. Thanks.
ok boomer