THIS Is How A Secure Person Reacts to An Avoidant Pulling Away And You Can Too!
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- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson explains how a securely attached person would respond to an avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) pulling away. Watch now to find out how a securely attached person reacts to an avoidant pulling away and how you can too, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Expressing your Needs: Scripts for Effective Communication", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:08 - Stonewalling
00:03:57 - How A Securely Attached Person Approaches Stonewalling
00:06:21 - When An Avoidant Pulls Away
00:08:12 - How A Securely Attached Person Approaches Pulling Away
00:09:46 - Course: Communication Scripts
00:10:08 - Conclusion
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #SecureAttachmentStyle #AvoidantStonewalling
Have you ever experienced stonewalling with an avoidant attachment style? What was your experience like? ❤
Yes. My experience sucked 25 years. I have been stonewalled for weeks at a time - left to guess why. I walked out last week. Very painful - but I allowed it. I am taking authority back of my life 🎉
For me, the deactivation came out of nowhere and it was completely sudden. Only after I checked in after a week or two to make sure she was OK, did she (eventually) tell me she "just wanted to stay friends." Which was fine, I accepted that wholeheartedly. But even after that, she's continued to deactivate from our friendship.
We were getting along really well up to that point, but I think the closeness and chemistry we had was not something she knew how to process...so she responded by pushing me away indefinitely.
Given her circumstances, I completely understand why she's reacting the way she is. I have only immense love for her, even despite the deep pain all of this has caused us. Just wish she knew that and didn't feel like the only option is to cut me out completely...
I'm not ready to walk out, and I might never be. I feel connected to her in a way I've never felt before, and above all else I really want her to overcome her pain and heal her wounds. And I want to be there to see it.
I couldn’t find the free download you mentioned at the end of the video.
Not sure but I’d guess we would work on moving forward.
It’s one way if they’re doing it for spite you need to run that’s leaning towards the dark personality triad, and you cannot win with these no matter what your approaches🤦♀️😂
A secure person gives them the benefit of the doubt, confronts them, then walks away after multiple attempts at fixing things, with them dismissing you the whole time....
That sounds like an insecure comment.
@gregvanpaassen Having self-respect is insecure now?
As a SA I co-sign this, it's unlikely we'll stick around due to the respect we have for ourselves and our understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like. We will happily leave the avoidants for the anxious attachment people, so the avoidance and anxious people can do the little push and pull dance they both enjoy so much 🗑️😑. SA people will be seeking a secure attachment person after their experience and understanding of the problems avoidant types bring. It's a hard pass.
@@gregvanpaassen I'd say it's a decent and even normal response after many attempts to communicate and not seeing any improvements. You can't force someone to change or improve true, but that doesn't mean it has be at your emotional and mental expense.
❤
Here’s what happens .. speaking from experience… the secure person accommodates the avoidant person with no progress on their partners end and the next thing you know the secure person is anxious watching anxious attachment videos thinking yeah that’s me. Not it’s not. You were just paired with the wrong person.
I've been here. Do you find that because you became anxious over someone else's actions that maybe you had/have some unhealed wounds yourself? I'm always weary asking these questions on here because sometimes people get offended, so I hope that you don't. I'm only asking because before I became secure, I actually thought I was fairly secure. However, when I dated someone more avoidant than I am, it brought out an awful anxious side of me. I had to go deep in and figure out why. Turns out I had wounds that were unhealed myself like "I'm not good enough" that I carried around subconsciously for years so I would internalize when my avoidant would do his avoidant thing not purposely being hurtful, but just being himself. Just curious if you have any thoughts on that.
That's exactly what happened to me. Avoidants give us so much self doubt and it's really destabilizing.
@@LeeChrissy I think it is a great point, happened to me. Fearful Avoidant, I started getting more 'anxious' during relationship than ever. Never been jealous or questioning myself or relationship before (or after). She probably didn't see much of that side but it was definitely an aspect. And of course there are unhealed wounds, we all have them. Some of us learned or were in environments where we could still deal with relationships securely. But we all have wounds and insecurities that can be triggered under the right circumstances.
OMG... 🤯
@@speciallist3049 honestly as soon as I feel that trigger, I immediately make myself figure out what it means and work through it. My triggers have zero to do with anyone else. If anything I'm grateful someone can bring them out so I can work on it. For instance, I have a massive fear of flying. As soon as the plane gets the slightest turbulence, I have always gone into panic mode thinking we were going down. Since joining PDS and regulating my nervous system, I am able to take that fear and talk myself thru it. I just got back from vacation and the pilot told us we were going to hit some bumps do to the tumultuous weather in the midwest. I thought for sure I would panic...but I didn't. 🙌 I kept my ear buds in listening to the movie, closed my eyes and told myself that I am safe. Typically it takes me years to fly again after turbulence, but I just flew in today and already looking forward to my next flight.
What does this have to do with our discussion? Nervous system regulation work and not letting my brain believe the stories I tell it. People are who they are, but it's up to us to handle situations in the healthiest possible way.
As a secure person, its really easy: you let them go and find someone better. It’s that simple.
It's never that easy..
100% that’s what I did :) it worked so well we are friends and both have moved on with our lives. The key was to use NVC, understanding the book attached, and Gottman’s emotional regulation for healthy conversations during the break up conversation.
@@elliegonzalez2300guys and girls cant be “just friends” so dont do that. Just ghost them and move on to someone healthy
Yep. Especially if they're going to dismiss you and not be honest when you try to communicate with them. Like damn, it's already insulting enough that you're playing these games, but to lie to me about what's going on just isn't going to fly.
THIS
I loveee that you pointed out the covert narcissism vs avoidant difference here. I dealt with this with my last two exes; with the first one, I stuck around long enough to realize his intent and that he was a covert narc, and I ended things but it was brutal. With the second, I originally assumed he was actually more of a sociopath; nope, got to know him and none of it was spiteful, it was all motivated by fear and he was a good guy.
The problem is, waiting long enough to figure out their intent will break your heart, even if you try to stay distant.
Wow, I feel like I might be in the same situation... at the second guy😂
Yes, it is truly heartbreaking :(
I'm glad you appreciated that! I'm sorry you had to deal with that, give yourself credit for your awareness ❤
What would your signs be that he was a covert narc, can I ask?
Just on a similar journey myself
What made you think he was a sociopath ? I don’t want people thinking I am one
I believe I am an earned secure from slight anxious attachment. I showed up in these ways. I was kind, patient, supportive, but expressed my standards and asked for conversation. Sometimes that isn’t enough for someone operating from an unhealed avoidant perspective. You just have to walk away with kindness and love.
So simple and so correct 💓💓💓💓
💖 🙏🏼💖 Thank you for this! Made me realise I'm the same way and we really need to give ourselves more cred for coming to this point. 🙌🏼💖
I don’t think avoidant people realize that in self soothing however they need to, it’s extremely self absorbed when they decided to share a life w someone. Get over yourself, take a long hard look in the mirror and understand the real world doesn’t wait for anyone. This is a valid reason to be distant but it’s no excuse. Not as an adult. And if that’s too hard, stop dating.
For real, that stonewalling and silent treatment bullshit is fuckin annoying. Adults should be able to communicate and move forward with a solution, specially if they love and care about each other.
I’d have to agree. Avoidant people who are unable to progress in life & in relationships should not date. I have a ladyfriend who fits this personality type perfectly & she hasn’t dated for 9 years. It is not acceptable for her ( & it was me who counselled her in this ) to enter into any friendship or deeper relationship if she has no intention of progressing herself within it.
At this stage, ( she’s just reached 30 ), she’s too far gone to enter into a relationship that will survive. She’s emotionally unstable & stunted, as she has not experienced male/female relationships in almost a decade.
No man will take her on as in the West, if a woman is still single & hasn’t dated for this length of time, it’s Game Over. Guys her age are in stable marriages, the only available guys are early to mid twenties who will not be looking at a 30yr old as a potential partner.
Even if she found a man who has become recently single, he won’t take her on as she’s emotionally immature.
An older man may, one who has the life experience & maturity to deal with her, but will she want a guy 10-20 years her senior?
She hasn’t got the maturity to recognise what an older man can offer, nor will she be able to deal with it.
@@dragonflymagictarot1180 you are posting here swearing in a safe forum. It would be hard to express vulnerability to someone who reacts this way.
It’s the internet, profanity is allowed
@@ladyeowyn42 profanity is not allowed. 🚫
All anyone has to do is flag the comment & RUclips will remove it. People who swear online show that they lack self control.
The point however that is being made is understandable, in a perfect world. But the world is not perfect as it is populated by sinners.
Adults rarely communicate in a manner that is acceptable, which is why we have law courts. The divorce rate proves that adults are unable to move forward with solution. In the US, ( I’m in the UK ), the divorce rate is 3 out of 5 marriages. A highly unacceptable number. However, it is proof that people are incapable of moving forward in communication ( the number one thing that breaks down relationships ) & resolving issues.
This feels like directions to talk to a toddler. I'm sorry, I don't have enough time in my life to educate a partner on how to be a decent human being. My approach its like natural selection: we are adults, we communicate and do the work so the relationships have the chance to work. I can't be "respectful" of someone else's need to desapear and still offer love in return. It feels like letting someone have tantrums and I don't do that.
That's why am going to get a very demanding job, so that I have the perfect excuse to be left alone when she asks what's wrong I'll just tell her work and bounce for like a week, come back on the weekend to watch football repeat next week
Thats not going to work. Maybe for a bit, but a secure person would tell you that you need to make time for the relationship. Otherwise they'll leave ... theres a reason most workaholic careers (doctors, lawyers, etc) tend to have high divorce rates.
But it's your life so, if that makes you happy, go for it. Just don't drag someone into it @amongincissymonica2806
@@amongincissymonica2806that is absolutely not a good excuse and is not very respectful of the other persons needs or desires 😊
I dated an avoidant as a secure attached person, however, with the avoidant, I was anxious. I think my experience has less to do with attachment style and more to do with knowing what you want in a relationship while choosing to settle for less than that. I was looking for the same security in the relationship that is reminiscent to the security that I was exposed to during childhood.
Key phrase: "If they're WILLING to do the work." It just sounds to me that the SA has to do the lion share of the work with these individuals. I'm done doing all the work in the relationship. The other person must be willing to do their part too.
Yes, someone must be aware and willing to do the work but anyone can become secure. Some will need more support than others ❤🩹
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I am absolutely willing to support those who are willing to do the work to heal and grow. It's those who aren't that I'm no longer willing to invest in.
Right
Clearly you're not done, or you wouldn't be watching videos about interacting with people with an avoidant attachment style. Good on you for learning, but please be honest with yourself.
@@gregvanpaassen I watch these to stay in recovery. I'm not immune to backsliding. That is my being honest with myself.
As a dismissive avoidant I'm extremely grateful to those in my life who actually did pull away when I was behaving badly rather than attempting to enable me. You really don't help at all when you give too much to someone, it's absolutely the opposite. It reminds me of those people who choose alcoholic partners and keep them drinking so at least they'll have someone on the chain.
@Littleowl85352 u mean pulled away permanently, or just gave u some space for a little while?
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w some permanently, some about seven or eight years
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w permanently or about seven or eight years
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w permanently, pretty much. Except for actual family members.
I agree. Good perspective.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Same thing just happened to me man. Hang in there we're gonna make it.
I think that many people who are secure, don't automatically know the dynamics of this type of attachment. So, perhaps if a Secure understood these dynamics.....you would see this. But, as a secure who didn't know about attachment......eventually the secure person just gets frustrated and rejects the whole relationship after a period of time. Because its all so confusing when its happening in front of you in real time.
I'm secure I can write a book I studied for years trying to understand him because of my love and understanding. But after 2years of begging for attention which I don't normally do and the ghosting etc I had to walk away because my mental health and health was on the line.
Correct, not all secure attachers know the ins and outs.
We might know about boundaries but never really enforced them.
We may know behaviours are coming from a place of fear but unaware of attachment.
What I will say is that these dynamics are fantastic at opening avenues we're yet to discover. Become aware of it, learn from it, and implement it
@@sheliasmith2884 I'm going through this right now and I'm at my wits end. The random ghosting is INSANE when HE asked to be in this relationship. The silent treatment, the distancing, me asking for more time and never getting it or feeling like I'm exhausting him when he does actually show up. EYE CAN NOT DO IT ANYMORE. It's a complete 180 from who he was in the beginning.
Full credits to Thais for doing these videos. They’re great for those learning about DAs. At the end of the day, what kind of self-respect, or lack thereof, one has to have to tolerate DA behaviors when SAs exist? They’re not going to fight for you, have productive communications with you to solve problems together, or learn to integrate into each other’s life. It’s a relationship at 80% discount. I don’t know how those who have had healthy relationships with secured partner will take this deal. It’s basically babysitting a full-grown adult.
Wow, you saying “it’s a relationship at an 80% discount” that really resonated with me! Why put up with this when there are many securely attached people out there? Avoidants that don’t work on themselves will always take the “me vs you” rather than “us vs the problem” approach
Depends what you’re looking for. I grew up with a raging violent FA mom so the calm of a DA was soothing. I find APs too clingy, anxious, and exhausting.
@@mikilaval6634 I agree. I love DA's. ❤
Thanks for sharing your viewpoint and I appreciate the compliment. If an insecure attachment style is aware and willing to do the work, they can heal to become securely attached ❤🩹
@@13sprintuser Agreed, the "us vs the problem" is extremely critical for healthy relationships. And the avoidants run when the conflict is brought up... so.. 🤷♀
Having an anxious avoidant partner is like being on a teacup ride. We have a disagreement, she gets triggered and stonewalls. I respect her need for space so I back off and am polite and respectful but don't re-engage. Because I'm not chasing her attention she gets anxious and experiences my distance as rejection. The distance SHE INITIATED! Then because of the rejection she pulls away even more and is even more reactionary and hurtful towards me. She could go through a few of these loops without me even knowing about it. I'm over here being kind but respectful and she'd interpret it as snark and rubbing it in her face. We are better now after years of separation and therapy but wow was that a clusterfuck.
They recognize that these are very broken people incapable of a mature relationship and they walk away.
This made me cry. I want the freedom to process alone inside before I share with someone else. It hurts so bad when people get hurt by me needing my own process before i can share. The possibility of someone actually understanding, as securely attached people do, moves me to tears.
Wow!! Good job for even being able to articulate that. My DA really has grown and in the last few months he has built the courage to tell me the "why". ... I was in tears when he did. I knew that it was hard for him.
Guaranteed you would never reapproach the subject - what if "your time" is exactly what they needed ??
The problem arrives when avoidants never share or don‘t voice their needs. I would‘ve been able to work with hearing a “Sorry I need time and space to process“ even once, instead I was given “nah I‘m not feeling any way about this, let‘s change the subject“.
Understanding what you need is already half the deal, good job on being self-reflected 👏🏻
Take your time processing g...i don't think explaining yourself to other people will help them understand you they'll just get more reasons to criticise you...just let it go unless you can't then don't. But make sure they hate you after that, they'll stop bothering you
It's not that people don't respect how you may need to process things. The problem is that avoidants do not give as much as they take. They want everyone else to be understanding of them but will do nothing and make no changes to have healthier relationships with other people. My advice, get help. We may understand but we won't tolerate it. No sane person will put up with being ignored, ghosted, silenced, etc. all in the name of your process.
I respectfully question if this is exactly what people with a secure attachment style would do, especially if that attachment style is earned. In an earned secure attachment style, there may be far less of a compulsion to "fix" a relationship that the other party isn't participating in. If someone feels secure being both dismissive and avoidant, some of us may choose to just let them. We have nothing to prove to ourselves and we might not want to put ourselves in a "pick me" situation. It's OK if the dismissive avoidant, dismisses and avoids and it's OK for a secure person to remain secure, allowing the DA to do what's comfortable for them without sitting in wait.
It seems to me, the first step for a lot of us might actually be getting clear about what we want. If the person with a secure attachment style wants to work for closeness with a DA, they may do exactly this. Yet, there may be some of us with a secure attachment style who are copasetic releasing a DA to their own devices, creature comforts and other priorities because we recognize those are their choices and expressions of their free will - whether based on subconscious programming or not - and perhaps our priorities don't align and that's OK.
I'd rather put effort into someone whose relationship priorities do align and who's proven they want to learn to transcend their childhood programming. The reality is a lot of people don't want to do that and we don't have to challenge that. We can just let them be without "fixing," over-giving and under-receiving or perpetually jockeying against other priorities to be seen, heard or even just acknowledged.
What a healthy perspective. ❤
I found her suggested scripts really helpful
@@desiemehrabian1133 Oh good, I'm glad it worked for you.
Yes, Steffie. Well said.
I'm going through this process with a friend. I know it's not the same as a romantic relationship, but the DA patterns are there, and they're very strong.
At first I'd be anxious when they'd go days without answering, I'd think I did something wrong, then they'd answer me as if no time had passed at all.
I eventually became more secure in our interactions (at the beginning of our friendship I was going through a lot of other things that made me more anxious too, not just this relationship). When I finally accepted that that was their pattern, I stopped asking for explanations and reassurance, and that made my friend open up more too, because they felt I truly understood their needs to be alone at times. Now they initiate conversation and seek my company as much as I do theirs, I just don't disturb them when they're in "retreat" mode, and they make a little extra effort to talk or even meet me than they normally would with other friends.
And it was so easy to pick up on their cues and their needs, even as friends, when we don't see each other as often as people in a romantic relationship would. If I had the patience to do that for a friend, I can't imagine not being able to show the same grace and patience to a partner, if not more.
When people pull away to protect themselves it is sometimes because past experience has taught them that talking may make it worse. All depends on the other person too. They may not be ashamed of self soothing techniques, but prefer to take longer to understand their own feelings and reduce the risk of getting into further unhelpful conflicts with their partner.
I can't keep doing this. I give her the space she needs. Next thing I know she's asking to see me again, so we spent time together. It's great, but then she gets overwhelmed and is pushing me away again. Rinse and repeat.
It can only repeat if you let it.
Get out of there! I know it’s hard but it will slowly shred you apart
Maybe she needs counseling.
I think I’m over debating for someone that wants to leave to stay. I’m happy with someone walking away.
I used to be an FA who would stonewall on purpose out of spite/frustration and not knowing how to express my emotions. Finding PDS and healing my attachment traumas has been the most life changing and liberating thing I ever have done. Thank you Thais ❤
I'm so happy to hear you found PDS and did the work to heal your attachment traumas 🤗
How do you feel like you got past the desire to be punitive and punish them though?
@@wolvie_b by understanding my anger was a trigger of built up trauma that i would then take out by stonewalling, using my words harshly. understanding myself on a deeper level and healing those wounds. thus not coping in the way I would in past
Turning their backs on you in bed , not even saying goodnight or kissing you , like your begging for them to cuddle you , I’m done now 7 yrs no more
Same here I felt alone when we were together.
@@sheliasmith2884 Same here, from what both of you said!!!! Mine was COMPLETELY unaffectionate!! I'M SO DONE! It just killed my spirit.
My avoidant told me I was like that so I’d act like he wanted and didn’t even let me cuddle like I wanted, it goes both ways
Same thing happened to me….textbook covert narcissist play…hold back affection and use the silent treatment. We all deserve someone who is emotionally available to us!
This also happened to me.. I felt so alone, especially in bed
Thank you for your vids. My avoidant ex broke up with me 5 days ago. I have watched lots of your vid and they have been very helpful, and I tried hard to learn to communicate in healthy ways to keep a relationship. Even I have a secure attachment style, it was not easy for me to put up with his behaviors; such as, dismiss/ neglect my feeling, mistreat, verbal abuse etc. Anyway, your vids definitely help me to spot a better partner in the future. Thank you again. 🙏🏻
Awe I'm sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out. I'm glad you found my channel and are getting value from it! You deserve someone who treats you right! ❤
Same here we deserve better and we give them so many chances it really started to effect my heath.
I'd be curious how attachment style meshes autism. I'm on the spectrum and secure attachment style according my psychologist and I'd agree with that. My wife is an Fearful Avoidant. I've read securely attached people and fearful avoidant rarely work out yet 24 years and counting. I think my is lot more secure now than when I we first met in 2000.
I think many of autistic traits worked out in our favor
1) my brutal honesty
2) my need for space
3) my interests and talking about just odd things
4) the fact I don't recognize things tone of voice, body language very well
5) I'm very logical and assertive
6) I have meltdown so her dramatic outbursts seemed lot like my meltdowns so never took it personally
Just something that peeked my curiosity
I could never give an avoidant this many chances.
You're so right. I'm on my 4th chance and it's enough. I let him end it this time. His ego needed it. But no more I miss you I'm sorry give me one more chance. He's exhausting!
I'm sorry both of you had to go through that, this girl plays hot and cold and ghosts me, so I've been ghosting her for the last few weeks for no contact
Yeah. It way too much. And just tired of it.
@@SaintlessRexyou should ghost her forever. An avoidant likely will come back as long as the relationship seems salvageable to them, but will never give you consistency. The one I was with called me months after breaking up with me the final time. I just said, "nah, I don't think so" and said my last goodbye. So glad I did.
@@temposhop8739 if she blocks every man in her phone and starts going to therapy, and shows me proof that she's going there, then I'd give her a chance. I am not her punching bag and I'm not going to be treated as an option. If she shows me this then she will get another chance. I just don't know how to bring it up when she starts messaging me again
I’m a fearfull avoidant and I’m so proud of myself for being able to do this now, even though I’m dying of fear inside 😂
The soul lesson of the avoidants partner is one detachment … and two analyzing the parts of yourself that are also avoidant whether it’s in relationships or elsewhere as you probably wouldn’t have attracted or be attracted to such a parter if this behavior doesn’t exists with in….detachment allows us to bond with another without taking their behavior personally. You’re able to engage in the experience from a place of objectivity and understanding
This video helped me. I see.... I did nothing wrong. I tried exactly these strategies with my avoidant ex and it was the only thing and best thing I could do. but she wasn't ready and in the end I found myself thinking I am totally on the anxious side, but reflected on myself and left the person in the end, because.... sometimes you can try and communicate your needs in a healthy communication, but when they dont understand.... it would be just too painful to stay in this and all you can do it leave and move on. sad but true.
I believe that both being “intentionally” ignoring or “non intentional” is coming from wounding … I don’t believe that one is coming from a better place than another …. I believe that when people are reactive (more aggressive) or they numb (passive aggressive) they are equally wounded …
This is an absolute gem of a video.
I experienced this exact scenario with my avoidant girlfriend who stonewalled me and I had no idea why. Unfortunately, at that time I did not have the communication skills to handle her behaviour and I mirrored back exactly what she was doing.
The relationship as good as ended right there. I wish I had been able to access the tools that a Securely attached person takes for granted. I may have been able to save the relationship. I am a work in progress and your videos are a tremendous help to someone like me who totally neglected emotionally as a child.
Thankyou Thais, you are improving the awareness and lives of many people by teaching this important subject off attachment.👍
That's me...self protective. I wish i had this information in January . Still grieving about the end of what i thought was a good relationship.
- If they ghost: call it our directly
- If they fade: call it out 4:04 understanding while considering your own needs: 8:30
The video editing was soo good!!! ❤❤❤ definitely needed this topic as well
Hey there Mrs Gibson, love your content. I’ve been recommending as many people that will listen. Liked and subscribed. Congratulations on all the lives you’ve changed.
this is so helpful! in my last relationship, i had scenario 2 play out a lot and i would lean into acceptance but stating also what i need. where i struggle was communicating a plan with them because otherwise it always kept falling apart. this is super helpful to now know to do!
What do you do when you employ these strategies--i.e. directly calling out behavior in a kind, safe way--but the DA/FA lashes out and accuses you of pathologizing them or they turn resentful for 'placing blame' on them for the relationship dynamic in question?
You don't chase them and you don't take on them deflecting issues on to you. If someone is not willing to work and is very defensive when you are trying to work on things, then walk away. There is only so many times you can keep giving them options to work on the relationship. Being with a DA can be painful. It can also be lonely and frustrating. You can't force someone to think like you and you can't force someone to heal if they don't want to or are not ready.
Ask yourself honestly if they have a point. Could you be focussing only on their flaws and attempting to get them to play the dance without your taking accountability as well?
Thank you for your videos. They have really helped me understand my dismissive avoidant partner.
Im back on this channel after quite some time. I think I discovered you back when COVID started and I had just been broken up. I had realised that my ex was a dismissive avoidant and your videos helped me in understanding him, his reactions back then, myself and also explain behaviours of other past relationships. I thank you for all the content you have created and thus helping people understand themselves and their partners and how to navigate through the different attachment styles. It is so important for the personal growth of people.
Yup, this is how I communicate with my DA co-parent, and he always responds well but not fully in a way that is clear-sometimes I just give up so as to move the conversation forward and observe his actions more. Its not easy though- as sometimes this behavior triggers my FA wounds but as time goes on- both of us are getting better at communication, and as an SA- I don't take his behaviour personally but I always clearly communicate my boundaries, while he responds with one sentence completely logically! lol, it gets really exhausting.....but whenever I give him a boundary that if he doesn't respect, I''ll just leave- he always makes effort. So, I am confused if its breadcrumbing of some sort- because its almost like he subconsciously doesn't want to let our bond go, when I go no contact- he makes a lot of effort and becomes sweet and when I reciprocate, he talks to me like he wants to friendzone me haha and I am constantly like IM NOT YOUR BUDDY 🤣 cause I still am working on completely getting over him.
Thais, you bring light into this world! Thank you for helping us understand each other. We are all human beings with emotions and feelings, at the end of the day, regardless of our attachment style. Much love from Germany!
I don’t think securely attached people will put up with this DA behaviour
DA s won’t just bing eat some cheat and move to other paterners as a soothing mechanism
Don’t waste your time
They can never make that connection with you
You can be compassionate but don’t give them a place in your heart
Gold. Thank you for sharing such great tips for all of us!
Ty I truly like ur vid, I tend to have a hard time putting concerns into words bc I tend to block ppl out. It's normally how I get my peace
I love how you model the words spoken
Shouldn't they be getting therapy to really work on the root cause of all this? This is fine for "getting along" but doesn't seem to be really fixing the actual problem which is healing their childhood trauma.
Well you're quite right in a sense because it's not a partner's role to save or fix their partner. I will say most therapy often isn't quite suitable for dismissive avoidants at least because the trust issues make it very hard to connect with a therapist. But us avoidants do need to take charge of our own healing process... I use these videos and similar... yoga, meditation and the gym. But I would be horrified if I had a partner trying to take charge of this healing process for me.
@@Littleowl85352 I used to be a dismissive avoidant as well, mostly from several siblings dying suddenly when I was little and failing school from being dyslexic. (Now I am a writer). I couldn't figure out why I couldn't continue to love someone. I finally tried to stay in a relationship to see if the love would return. It wasn't happening and so the woman broke up with me because I couldn't love them back which they had every right to do. She suggested my childhood trauma may be the issue which I hadn't ever thought of and I decided to get counseling. I had several very patient partners who gave me space or were avoidant as well, but ultimately those relationships still failed because the old negative messages needed to be dealt with. At least for me, the counseling is what really helped me and I had minimal trust issues with the therapist other than it took awhile to be totally honest with them. The movie Goodwill Hunting was a movie that had an impact on me in helping me understand what was going on.
Just the video I needed. Thank you Thais!
🤗
Thank you for this video, very practical examples, so helpful ❤
Let people who need counseling & healing get counseling & healing. Receiving love from someone else while your broken & feel undeserving of love is only helpful to the person when that love is from God.
Other human beings do not have the ability to be as long-suffering as God is & we shouldn’t be because we get damaged in the process. So let your love for the people show up in how often you pray for them or lead them in the right direction when they come around (without doing the work) thinking they desire relationship with you.
If they really want to be in your life they need to come as more healthy versions of themselves. They need to do the work. No excuses.
I just discovered your channel. Amazing information. Very well explained and I appreciate that you point out the importance of the intentions. Two people could be doing the same behaviours but have totally different motivations which very much changes the approach. Thank you for pointing out that stonewalling behaviour done out of spite is a red flag for potential covert behaviour. This is not something we should dance around in order to protect ourselves. I understand we can't rush to diagnose someone but good to be aware. I think I may be dealing with this. How to determine that spite is the motivation though. I guess it goes hand in hand with other behaviours.
Thank you for this video. I have been struggling to interpret and manage my DA’s avoidance behaviours when a dispute occurs. I’m an AP (beginning to lean towards secure attachment - thanks to your Personal Development School range of courses) but it’s still too easy to go from harmony to hostility in moments; sometimes because I said a few words the wrong way or she (my DA) presumed/assumed something I didn’t intend. That’s when the distance or emotional separation begins, often for hours (or more) and there seems little room for reasoning. She gets stuck in a sad place and seems to only see and recall the bad times in our relationship - as if she if about to leave and gathering evidence for this. It’s so hard..
It would be so helpful to have more videos like this exploring typical real life tricky scenarios such that I can model the words or actions that those with a secure attachment would adopt to move forward in a healthy way.
Thank you once again for your commitment to this important work.
Thank you for your share! I appreciate your feedback and am happy to hear you found PDS. Keep up your great work on your healing journey to secure attachment ❤
💥💜💥 Perfect advice, thank you! 💥💜💥
Wow this is amazing!! Thank you for actually giving exact examples of what to say so I can understand better. This is what is missing in a lot of self help stuff. It’s a lot of theory. I need exact words to say so I can understand how to speak
Keep going please! Thank God for you Thais, Mrs. G! 😊❤❤❤
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Insightful
Thanks for your videos
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Great job Thais
❤
This video was very thorough. Thank you for the information.
Trouble is your damned if your strong and put your boundaries in at the start. And your damned if your loving to them. I genuinely think i couldn't have avoided the breakup either way. As i asked for more communication in the beginning, fed up with being breadcrumbed. My message would go unopened for 2/3 day's 😢 i believed it was my problem like he told me it was. So took the nice approach. Cruelly discarded like a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe 😢
Same!!!!
It sounds like they simply weren't all that interested in a relationship with you and you must learn to not take that personally
@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 really. God I didn't think anybody could identify with my situation. Truly heartbreaking 💔
Try this:
Make it so they see no social media
Don’t meet them
Don’t call text or check on them
Make it so they see u don’t look at their social media. Delete account if need be. Be invisible, go radiosilent.
Go away for 1-2 weeks.
Cry do whatever.
Take care of yourself.
Approach if they reach out.
Try again if not in 2 weeks.
In general no contact helps.
Learn how to say things not in a needy childish way „x hurt me and I’m also sorry for my behavior, I missed u“ but not „you always do x“, never ever think of yourself as dirt again. X
Thankyou ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤!!!
I usually just mirror their behavior & walk away; they are way too much trouble. Woof !
Same
Model before mirroring, always
@@niktendo2000/ why ?
That’s the hard part - now I’m withdrawing too so if both people do that there’s nothing g left so it’s worth a little effort to see how it goes. If no change then rethink. I came up with some goals and see if we can come up with the way to attain them together so it’s not just all about me or being g high maintenance.
@gregorystinette8271
Smoke and mirrors is the domain of narcissists. DA and FA are not that. Imo they (generally) lack the cognitive structural framework to develop a complex interdependent secure bond in a romantic relationship. Not through choice, not through being difficult, not through selfishness. Rather it's root will often be traced back to them being unable to process a number of emotionally unfulfilled or incomplete experiences in early childhood as they do not have the required brain scaffolding in place to understand an experience, and rather tragically for them they do not have a primary caregiver who is able to meet their emotional needs which is the only way they can experience the world at that age. This can then lead to a mirroring of their primary caregiver's limited range of emotional bandwidth. These experiences are incorporated into their sense of self and this is all they know, how they are.
By mirroring their behaviour you are re-inforcing their incomplete and unintegrated identity. In essence you are pretty much becoming them through a similar maladaptive defense or coping mechanism.
By modelling the behaviour you believe is mutually beneficial you give them the opportunity to visualise and process a different experience to the one they know and expect. It doesn't mean your modelling will lead to an outcome you desire but divesting yourself of the outcome and staying authentic to the behaviours you value gives your DA/FA the opportunity to mirror something other than what they know. If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. Mirroring is a short-term stop-gap measure which is very unlikely to encourage any kind of lasting or meaningful change. Modelling is far from a guarantee but it is always better than mirroring.
amazing
As a secure person, you don't take the avoidant's behavior personally. Their lack of showing up has nothing to do with your worth and value, don't take it personally. It's about them and their stuff.
Knowing this, helps the secure person to call out the Avoidant's behavior in a safe harmonious way... without any volatility or hostility towards them, because you know it's not about you as a person.
Good tricks to try on my avoidant partner !! 😎😎
If you meet someone you take a liking to, & consequently discover that they are fearful avoidant personality, which is a mental disorder, you have to take a step back as someone who is more mature. Re evaluate the relationship & realise that the only relationship that will work is one where you place no expectations on them. You have to be very mature to do this & realise constantly that any expectation you may like to put on them will cause them like as not to manifest FA reaction. For me, it’s been 15 years, May 2024. When she gets into FA mode, which is far less frequent than when she was younger & less mature, iv pulled away too to allow her her process time, & iv gone No Contact. This is imperative. When & if she wants to, she has ( & she has done & continues to do ) made the effort & initiated contact. I then take it from there. Iv certainly laid my cards on the table, she knows that I love her as iv told her so. Being assertive is healthy for your own situation. Those immature & less experienced in life & dealing with people will not understand, & that’s fine.
This is beautiful i would love to know more about secure attachment styles. How does secure attachment reacts from being criticised?
Depends on whether the criticism is valid. Very often it is the result of a projection or a perceived intention that has made the fearful avoidant feel exactly that. Fearful. My lady has only ever once criticised in 15 years, when she did, we had a converse initiated by me, after I gave her the reflection time she needed. She also needed to see, that her reaction did not upset me.
I think I have a secure attachment but I wasn’t that kind. I was annoyed af to be honest and then later I said, “I’m sorry but this silent treatment doesn’t work out for me. We’re adults, let’s find a solution and let’s talk about how to avoid this in the future” but he was like “I don’t see a future with you because you talk to me too professional “
He said I was a robot. That i treated the relationship like a business because I wanted to talk about how we can move forward from silly arguments.
No one has time to argue about a kitten who’s scared. My argument was, leave her alone, let her get use to the space, do NOT chase her around and let her come to you. He was forcing the kitten, chasing her, talking shit about how the cat wasn’t jumping like a dog and giving him attention.
Stupidity and the dumbest argument and then “I don’t see a future with you” like a bucket of cold water after telling me I was going to be his future wife.
Dodged a bullet, anyone who mistreats a cat is not okay
Um animal cruelty beats being w your partner doesn’t it
I felt like he wanted to be the center of attention- and when the kitten did not respond well to him his fragile ego fell apart. I wanted to keep the kitten and I had her here for a week with me and she was improving in her fear etc. I worry more about the kitten than I do about him…
@@Littleowl85352 yeah, honestly that shit annoyed me a lot. Cats aren’t dogs. And dogs will come to the door and celebrate you but not all cats specially kittens will do this. He said the cat was ungrateful and I told him she was happy with me in my home. It was a stupid argument from a childish man… I still want to get the kitten out of his home but I wouldn’t know how.
@@Seraphina93 no that’s not what I meant. He had been complaining about the behavior of this kitten for months. I had found her a happy home with a lady that adores cats and she and her son were so excited. This SOB did not want to give her up because he felt bad about it. I was like but you don’t have the patience! Let someone else love her properly! And he said he would try with her again bla bla bla and I had to tell the lady that shit guy was keeping her. It made me so mad because why? Do you want to keep someone or something that you’re complaining about constantly and you’re talking shit about? Why be that selfish! Why not allow the kitten to be in a home where she is loved. I would’ve kept her myself but I already have two cats and my apartment limit is two. But I wanted to take her away from him and I did, for a week… I swear this kitten was the sweetest loving baby. And I wish I could get her back and just hide her from the landlord
I need you to release alllll the videos at once Thais! Because i am handling it in stages that are coming before the video! And then retreating back into my FA self lol 😅😅😅
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At the end, you remind viewers to like , share, & subscribe. I try to remember to like videos, so with the multiple format changes YT has made in the last couple years, the push for vertical videos (thanks, TikTok) has reoriented the way the ads push upward on the YT app, at least on iOS. It is so hard anymore to swipe away the ads that cover your comments and description section. I had to X out of the video after it ended and reopen it and rewatch the ad again. Then the other ad pushed up from below and took over the screen. Ugh. I miss the simple RUclips era.
Saw my SA side come out in this video. Although I admit I only tell them twice, lol.
Hello Thais Gibson, and School of Development colleagues,
Thank you for your great work and accessible videos.
My question today is how a person with secure attachment and poor communication skills would communicate with an avoidant partner.
After watching this video, my understanding is that the example of how a securely attached person responds implies that this securely attached person is also a good communicator.
Thank you for your attention to this question, and for the great work you and your team do.
Best regards,
Gweneth
The answer is plain, you’ve already stated it. You need to cultivate better communication skills.
I became an avoidant partner from the stress and pressure my significant other has put on me from her intense narcissistic tendencies. Now, I’ve digressed into this stonewalling, running away, not communicating, and reclusive turtle creature that doesn’t even recognize how I got here..
for these kind of dynamics to work one has to be healthy and communicate a lot, if borh dont communicate it will die. Also it depends on how much you want to be with this person, caus with a lot of communication th avoidant will start feeling safe.
Enabling people in their avoidant behaviour is not love.
Also... I think a secure person would not be bothered too much because they know it has nothing to do with them personally. They would however express boundaries in regards to stonewalling and most likely call it quits.
Thank you for sharing scripts! I’m not sure if I’m missing something, but I can’t find the link to the free scripts?
Dating my best friend... Turns out she is Avoidant. Everything is going very well. We are flirting, we are laughing and supporting eachother every day. First conflict comes up: I said something a bit too bluntly. (I didn't realize I even hurt her before she lashed out at me in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping. She knew I was sleeping yet she messaged me every hour for the entire night and got mad at me for not replying.... . . )
She lashed out against me the the day after, saying something 10x worse than I ever said. I apologize: it gets ignored...
5 days later I sent a real apology saying sorry and taking responsibility for what I said.: read and ignored.
2 days later I sent her a message saying something along the lines of that this is really hard on me. And I invite her to talk. Also that this is my final time contacting her and the ball is in her court now.
Read. Ignored. Blocked.
I'm absolutely heartbroken..
I'll tell you one thing. If I ever date another girl if I even get the slightest idea she is Avoidant, I'M OUT.
When the response to a call out is DARVO then what do you recommend?
And then they get upset when you finally leave and get with someone new 🤣
where is the link for the free script page? I see links for the script / communication masterclass as well as a link to a free trial for a membership
It's called "Grey-Walling" when a victim of abs does it. "Stonewalling is the same thing with a DIFFERENT intent.
My husband Stonewalls me, I Grey-wall him out if fear.
Hi
A sane and secure person will just walk away. An avoidant partner/friend just isn't worth it, no matter how many good qualities they may have otherwise.
It's like learning how to speak to a child, and when I am ready for mental gymnastics I'll have a kid instead of choose an avoidant partner 😭
I did something very similar to this but he completely shut me out and started dating almost immediately after I left the house soooo I'm leaning towards narcissist now. He couldn't seem to care less about the relationship no matter how calm and understanding I am.
@5:00
How do you kindly introduce this to your partner? To create awareness? I believe my husband is an avoidant partner and I’m wondering how do I help him become aware of it?
if someone did this for me, I think I could easily do my best to come out of it
😿👍 thanks
We can't fix anyone
I'd really struggle to communicate this way, to a AP.
I would just leave them after a while of stonewalling as they simple can't communicate.
Love your content beautiful person. If you are able to, please consider adjusting your vocal fry. This can be done with tech or breath work. Love your content xxxx
Are there things, i could interpret from here for bpd?
What if they’re being somewhat unresponsive bc of intimacy that occurred almost 3 weeks ago? Would it affect them that long? Do the same scripts apply? And/or they’re feeling vulnerable bc of a comment that shows they care?
Humor worked weirdly often for me
My current DA was angry at me for 5~weeks because I called his (big) hands „small“. I eventually just, when he was angry about it and told me I had small hands „this really hurt u huh?“ in a cheeky way. It worked
Idk I’m at the place where I don’t think dating anyone unhealed is a healthy choice. Let’s be honest 9x out of 10 the secure attachment sacrifices themselves.
Incorrect. I’m SA, she’s FA. 15 years. I don’t sacrifice myself. I give her the space & time she needs to process. She knows I’m always here. Fearful Avoidants are comparable to children who have not matured in loving relationships. As long as there is progression with her, & there is, you stay in the game. This is mature love ❤️ 😊
I’m insecure anxious avoidant , I tried change and I decided to never be relationship again as I never wish to cause pain to someone else unintentionally but because I’m overly traumatized and can’t seem to leave the loop…
You must wait until you meet a serious mature partner, invariably it will be an older man. Or, this may never come to fruition for you. Either way, realising that you shouldn’t date is highly perceptive & reveals that you are indeed taking responsibility for how you relate to other people in life. Great step forward.
Hi Tyce. I feel I’m more towards the secure attachment than the avoidant, but all the quizzes I’ve taken said I was a fearful avoidant. My a question if I am an avoidant, why do I always feel repulsed by avoidants and can’t stand them even though I try to be empathetic with them?
Maybe because you lean more anxious? I'm a healed FA and I predominantly lean avoidant and feel repulsed by anxious attachments. Maybe not repulsed, that's a little harsh. But I definitely wouldn't date one again.
I'm not seeing any free scripts or course at all. When I click on the link it's asking for full payment.
This is definitely the first video I've seen that represents me to a "T" as an SA/DA person.
In the case of stonewalling, I only did that when I had already addressed the issue I was having in a direct, assertive manner. When I couldn't get my partner to listen, I just stopped doing and even would suggest a break from the relationship.
On taking time away for the need for space, that's my thing to. I take the necessary space away from my partner so I can edit my hobbies and interests and weigh my options on certain decisions. I also respect other people's need for space as well and give it to them as well.
In short, I'm direct and assertive when addressing a problem, but if the pricked is never acknowledged after multiple attempts, I'll stonewall to get my point across. I also take the necessary space I need away from my partner for my hobbies, interests, and even some tough decisions. I don't share my thoughts all that much with my partners either. I only do so if it's to address a problem in the relationship.
Agreed. When I have to repeat myself because the person I'm dating refuses to hear me, then I go quiet. What other option is there aside from an argument which to me sounds is worse?
Space is super important too. It only becomes an issue when the other person internalizes it and takes it as a personal hit when it's really just us tending the other areas of our lives. To me, these are healthy approaches. Yes talking things out is the best option, but sometimes words get lost on people who don't want to hear them.
@@LeeChrissy exactly. People who need constant attention and validation need to fix themselves. Interestingly, their behavior goes hand in hand with not listening.
What if after a seven year relationship she leaves for three years and finally comes back but says I don’t have much to give. Either get onboard with that or go. By not much to give meaning hung out with four days a week now down to 6 hours in 3 weeks.
Are you happy with peelings and scraps sir
She’s with others
Watch Jenny in Forrest Gump,
There u go. Female avoidant.
Are u a Forrest?
Not at all. I realized the key take away is if the person values you in their life enough to be willing to go through the hard work of self improvement. If they would rather lose you than have to change then they really don’t care as much as you thought they did. If she is not willing to do any work, to grow or improve anything on my part is an exercise in insanity. And she never really cared as much as she let on. Harsh truth is better than comforting lies I suppose
if you show you want them to open up in a disrespectful way it wont work,, but not everyone is respectful