Thais! I love your video content. A little feedback on the video editing: The music is too loud in beginning and doesn’t match the friendliness of the jingle. However I do like the intense music haha :) again, I love love love your videos and have binged watched and seen new videos for a year now. Thank you. ❤
The last girl I dated (for 2 months) had a bunch of these traits. Maybe she was an avoidant? She was very self-focused and most of the conversations were about her or drama with her friends. She kept snapchat streak going, but was otherwise very flaky. Canceling plans usually last minute without rescheduling. Before our first date she told me she was unsure if she could give back what she expected to get from her partner. She was very upfront with saying she likes getting attention. And as a 30 year old she has had Botox, lip fillers and she parties a lot (usually in very revealing clothing). She wanted to date for at least a year. She definitely wanted something ultra low-effort on her part. Never made plans for us. Often times she said stuff but never followed up on it, making dinner for us at her place etc (never did that, and I never even seen the inside of her place). She broke things off over a non-issue. Probably for the best :P
Absolutely 100% they’re DA. It’s really really hard but I can’t just walk away. I like them, I want them, and I feel sorry for them. 😢 How can we get them to open up Thais, tell us what happened? I KNOW they trust me, feel very very close to me. Also, bc they’re DA, does this make them immature? Sometimes I think, “Oh, what a child.” Also they’re blunt, no filter, like a child who doesn’t know any better.
Sometimes it happens from abusive realtionship with a person like this ..to end up with unhealthy attachment style not always childhood. Just a thought
@@AlexDahlZit’s not you! Intelligent (EQ) is so important for a healthy realionship and she should be focused less on Botox and more on internal work sounds like to me. 🙏. People that are healthy ask questions and don’t ghost or get made over non issues. I did some stuff and think it ticked off my date. We were exclusive and I shared too much! Honesty is a bad deal! My dress was tight and not revealing but showed my figure and he made a comment: then went out and told me he had a beer and he told me he doesn’t drink and yes I had a drink and didn’t drink for over 20 something years. Too many things adding up to make me nervous after being with a Person this unhealthy and I am anxiously attached from death of many loved ones and my marriage now. Never was this way and working on it. I also have some of these traits meaning I want distance and my friend told me I should met the guy half way. He didn’t answer the phone so figure he’s done. No clairy or telling me anything. People call themselves old fashioned but seriously that new age junk! 😂
1) Fear of being vulnerable 2) Practice escaping strategies 3) Agreeable in order to avoid conflict 4) Sensitive to criticism and shame 5) Low emotional bandwidth 6) Feel misunderstood/ don't communicate needs 7) Lack of healthy interdependence 8) Want low effort relationships with no conflict 9) May lose feelings suddenly 10) Believe they are not enough
Omg, the Dismissive Avoidant belief that "my childhood was great and I have no trauma" is exactly what I experienced with my ex. Then he would go on to tell me about several traumatizing events he experienced during his childhood...it was really strange. Hoping to avoid another relationship with someone not willing to check in and acknowledge where their damage is and working to make a change.
Every DA I’ve been close to has said the same thing and you ask questions and are thinking ummm that’s traumatic. I have gotten to a place that if I see one sign of someone being a DA, I walk away. Not bc there is something wrong with them, but my nervous system can’t handle it! If they are aware and actively working on it would be a different story.
Even for FAs...the guy I was with told me his childhood was normal and then every time he was telling me something of his past, it was weird and traumatic for a child...but he didn't even realize that
Correct… in my current situation my guy told me he had an practically non-functional alcoholic mother growing up, and I expressed sadness for him and asked a few questions, and he was like. It was fine. I don’t remember anything bad happening. 🤦🏻♀️ Then proceeded to tell me about his parents divorce and that he is basically no contact with his mother since that time. I didn’t know about attachment disorders back then, but I should have listened to my gut telling that wasn’t a healthy or accurate assessment of his childhood traumas
As a mostly recovered DA I notice this exact sentiment from pretty much every unhealed DA I meet. The format is almost always "X atrocious thing happened. But it wasn't a big deal and I understand intellectually why they were like that." As a DA you think you're being selfless and stoic when you see the world this way. But it also shuts the door on sharing any truly deep vulnerabilities with your partner and later on inclines you to be more dismissive of your partner's struggles, even if not in completely overt ways.
Shout out to my DAs who are educating themselves and actively working to heal and become better partners/friends/family. Despite what some people say, there are those of you out there putting in the hard work every day. I've been in therapy for many, many years and I've watched 100s of videos on healing insecure attachment from therapists and psychologists. I would say my DA core wounds still exist, but they are FAR less painful and I am functionally a secure partner who works to be vulnerable with and validating to my partner with some AP tendencies. He's also been wonderful in helping me feel safe in my final stretches of healing and living authentically connected. Change is SO possible!!! I probably wouldn't even be able to recognize the old me. I was so excruciatingly repressed... almost a husk of a person.
Congratulations!! Most DAs refuse to admit they have a problem and they don't realize how hurtful they can be to their loved ones. I am SECURE, but needless to say, I have been working on Myself for over 20 years. I wish you all The Best & Continue Healing...👍
Yes, that's an ironic truth about conflict avoidance. They don't really have fewer conflicts than they would have if this behaviour was healed. They just avoid all the small ones, and avoid the chance to resolve them while they are small too, so some will grow to become big.
That’s because during childhood that’s what kept them safe & now it hurts them. It’s really quite sad. But that’s what it is with all insecure attachment styles
I’m a “healed” DA. But I’m realizing that I attract DA’s because it feels safe. I cancelled on a person that I truly liked a lot, the minute I felt he can hurt me. I made myself vulnerable and actually communicated and initiated. He is also a DA and cancelled on me too. We’re both spying on one another. So I don’t think I’m healed.
Because I now know more about attachment styles due to watching videos from this channel and elsewhere, I am comforted by the fact that no matter how good I was as a partner, the outcome of my relationship with my DA ex would be the same. The good thing was unlike others, I didn't doubt my value as a person while also conveying my understanding and acceptance of his decision to break up because I would not be one to impose myself on anyone. It was the way it was. Whatever happens in our lives, I believe, we are meant to learn from that, so we can have meaningful lives.
Same, I was confused by the breakup but I didn't question my worth and I'm trying to accept the fact that this is just how he is programmed and I wish for nothing but healing for him❤
My ex had a hard time being vulnerable in the middle of our relationship Probably after six months and when I would talk about Something serious he would hide under a pillow or blanket when I would try to Go deeper in the connection To get to know each other better he would say I don't know a lot Made it very hard to get to know him he didn't not like Conflict at all I think he told me what I wanted to hear there was no conflict resolution His words and actions stopped matching Has behavior became unattractive I wasn't getting my needs met So I walked away ❤
This is my husband and it helps me to understand him so much better. Plus he’s a functional alcoholic (work day off drinker) so it’s hard being the strong, stable, always keep my sh$t tougher spouse. I have needs too and I never know who’s going to show up from day to day. It’s hard.
I had a break up last year with a DA partner. Your videos have been so helpful for me to understand her and why she did what she did. Thank you for your great content
I only attract DAs into my life. I've decided to stop dating. I no longer wish to associate with this type of person. It's been almost two years since I last dated someone. It's the best way to live! 🎉
You’re describing it as a pattern in your life. That makes me wonder: to what extent is it clear to you why you keep attracting these kind of people every time again ? It may reveal something about yourself which can act as a starting point for further personal growth. 😊
from my experience with a DA ex, this video has pretty summarised it all. fear of being vulnerable lead them to communicate less of their needs leaving the partner guessing. They will appear cold from time to time making the partner guessing whats wrong. when partner wishes to bring the relationship to the next stage, the DA feels overwhelmed and withdraws (they feel they are not good enough due to their childhood experiences) and says they prefer to be alone. The partner accepts and respects the DA's decision. The partner then uses the no contact period to think about the relationship, what has caused the relationship to come to this stage, what did i do wrong, was it worth it, should it be salvaged, do we really love each other etc etc. yeah, im still in the no contact period for over a week now. DAs wont reach out. they are probably feeling relieved. But thanks to Thais's book, i figured out my own attachment style and my ex's style...but to make the relationship work, its needs hella of work. It probably won't work given the DA's reluctance to be vulnerable and communicate. But i don't blame the DA because we can't control how we were brought up.
Oh my goodness. Going through a break up right now with a man I really love and care about, and while I’ve suspected he was heavily avoidant, this video really captured his side in our relational dynamic - Everything on this list describes him. Unfortunately even trying to highlight the emotional disconnect and things from his side triggered his avoidance and we were stuck in a cycle with me being anxiously attached. I really believe if we both had been able to share our needs and open up together we could have made it work.
I'm going through this now. I thought he might be on the autistic spectrum but he didn't have many of the common traits of autism. Now I know why I was so frustrated after being so tolerant with him.. I hope you are healing well. Feeling pretty upset here
@@margotmaven1052 I’m doing a lot better. I’m so sorry you went through something like this too. I suspected the same for awhile with my partner possible having autism. It’s hard when you put so much effort in but unfortunately that wouldn’t fix their avoidant tendencies. I hope you will continue to heal 🩷
I’m so sorry for what you ladies are going through……happened to me 2 weeks ago and it is so painful. I’ve been discarded by a boyfriend who I connected to in every way, but our traumas. I’m stuck with this scenario over and over in my head and just a conversation to understand the other persons opinion would bring some reassurance to both of us.
@@Weismant81 I hope things get better for you love, it’s a hard and heartbreaking place to be in. It was the same way for me, I felt if we could just understand each other it would have helped so much but in order for that to happen both people need to want it. Take care love ♥️
@@VeronicaMxoxovery true. Thank you…. You as well. And I’m supposed to wait around until he’s emotionally stable to reach out in order to communicate his thoughts. This is the strangest thing I’ve ever been through…… and I’m just ready to take the loss.
Yep true lol my favorite saying . However I would not ever be interested in an avoidant relationship again with a new partner it would surely be the end of me...not easy at all unless they work on them self. Not many serm to want to change though.
You are a wealth of very valuable information! My personal and couples counselors barely could recognize issues from my husband. After he was done manipulating our therapists, it was all a waste of time. I sat there with him telling the therapist what a terrible person I was. I had to. stop him and finally say, then why are you wasting everyone's time? The therapist didn't do anything to take control of the diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
I was talking to a severe DA for 6 mos here were the glaring signs: 1) 🚩inconsistent communication 2) 🚩he had A LOT of dating “stories” to the point I said, you date a lot and you’re 43 and never married, should I be concerned? Yes, yes I should have. He is a comment phobe. 3) 🚩when I expressed early on this situation wasn’t going to work for me, it took him 2 DAYS TO CALL me to talk about it. 4) 🚩THE PHANTOM EX… baby momma. The only conflict we had where he went all out nuclear was about her and my queening of their “situation” which was very enmeshed. 5) 🚩he would tell me constantly that he would call me back AND NEVER CALLED BACK. 6) 🚩not close with his siblings 7) 🚩chronically “busy” 8) 🚩showed up emotionally intelligent until triggered than nuclear ☢️ 9) 🚩 told me that he meets everyone else’s needs and gives to everyone but he never receives it in return 10) communication, meeting needs, talking about the “relationship” was all on HIS TERMS.
@@rohaninitiative6058haha almost! I was trying to understand what I missed, what I overlooked, how I ended up in that situation. I also made a list of "mistakes" I did. It took two to tango. .
Re the communication of needs. What if you are very respectful of their space (and like some time for yourself too). But they say if you try and make plans that you are "controlling them and they shouldn't have to make a plan or tell you what they are doing". Keep in mind I'm not telling them what to do just want to know when I might see them this week or if we can have a regular night we catch-up, asking in a respectful way and saying "it's important to me to have some structure so I can plan my week, it's okay if things change we can just check in I just need to have some sort of a plan for me personally". This is after a year and a half of a relationship. They want to come over often and even get offended when I have said not tonight a number of times, it's just very rarely planned.
That might be a narcissist trait present in a person, but should be investigated further. I assume you confront them on the subject? 'Hey, how come I can't make plans, because that's presumably controlling, but you want to come without any previous agreement, and are offended I had other plans? I'm not just sitting idle waiting for your arrival, you know; I have a life too'. A reasonable person would be able to look at the situation and see it's ridiculous. If they don't, that would be a red flag for me.
What a beautiful explanation Thais! Thank you so much. Hit 10 points of things I observed in a partner, now I can relate to that. No idea if there’s ever hope for finding to each other. But still giving peace of mind.
My FA partner does the same. I'm the DA and I'm like, "You wanna talk?" I'm the one who is supposed to be shutting down! 😂 See what healing can do for you?! 😂
Should a DA be sent a letter or package of information that lets them know they are DA? They are abusing drugs and alcohol and have 6 OWIs. I don't think they know they are DA. They are using drugs and alcohol to deaden painful emotions.😢
Sadly, he fits all 10. But dismisses and avoids looking into it. I had to walk away. Too painful. I told him I love him. It's been 6 weeks no contact. Heartbroken and confused.
Let's always check ourselves..why put up with that, why are we putting up with certain things. If we were busy leaving and healing wouldn't they eventually realize they have an issue, then begin to heal themselves
I was told I deserved better and that he loved me but we aren't compatible....was told in the beginning he's really good at being alone ..time together limited....I wanted too much ...I'm too emotional...he said he has a hard time with emotions....it's awful. Were together a year. So basically he's ignoring me and will continue that? And I'll never hear from him? Like he's going around not missing me?? I feel like all the issues we had are my fault. I'm on anxiety meds. It's extremely painful.
I’m a DA, but I assumed everyone wanted low drama relationships 😅 Why must there be drama, most things can be solved with some straight forward communication and the maintenance of standards, expectations and boundaries imo. I understand conflict will happen, but some things don’t need to be a battle-I’d even say most things
People do want low drama but it seems like for a lot of avoidants, they think that not sharing thoughts, not talking through things, is low drama, but that actually is drama. Talking through things, explaining feelings, explaining thoughts, these are all ways to create closure and be respectful of emotions
I agree. I am a former DA but now securely attached. Looking back, even if I am not a DA and is securely attached I would still dump my ex who is AP and other situationships I had😂 The pick fights and drama is too much to tolerate. Just want to lie in bed, read books, do hiking and interact with friends. 😅❤
Straight forward communication is exactly what conflict avoidance... avoids having. This agreeing and not meaning, trying to pacify but not understand, just like Thais explains in the video. I fully agree to your statement, it's just not what people that fear conflict, do. I'm not sure if I dealt with a straight DA, but a FA with strong conflict avoidance can be such a pain. All this pre-emptive guessing just to avoid confrontation, and said confrounation would have looked like 'do you want X? No. Ok then!'.
@@lalaladyvk this makes sense, but I wonder if other attachment types take into account respecting ALL emotions. I’ve had the issue in the past of trying to do just what you say and being lashed out on. I will say “I didn’t like this thing,” then the other party cries, maybe gets a bit volatile and then somehow wants to still share space. Um no, now you’re not safe because I just tried to have a conversation with you and was taken waaaaaaay left. I’ve heard other attachment types describe this as passion or fighting for the connection…lol leave me out of that. I understand some upset, conflict, but I refuse to be on an emotional rollercoaster. Maybe I haven’t experienced a “secure” person so I’m going too far with my own biases and experiences, I don’t know. Attachment style is a spectrum though, isn’t it? I’m more of a speak about problem once or twice and then once I see no progress, “discarding” sort of DA (that’s what it’s called here but I consider it breaking up since in most cases I tell the person. Though once I’m done I’m done, they might as well not bother reaching out.)
I never knew about attachment styles till I went thru a breakup where we went from talking about marriage to I only love you when I see you, I don’t love you when I don’t see you. It’s been difficult but learning about avoidants has helped. Thank you for sharing your knowledge
Great video, but please do not include that background music track in future videos. It makes it difficult to hear what you are saying. Super distracting.
Nice breakdown. I still question whether or not this has more to do with later experiences with peers rather than just experiences caregivers. I learned to be independent in high school after being rejected by my peers. Granted, I was ignored by my parents for the most part, but I didn't feel the need to be hyper independent until high school. I remember that was when I started living by the motto, "live in defiance of others." This resulted in me never backing down from anyone, including those who wanted to enact violence against me when I was outnumbered (which happened frequently btw). This included teachers as well. In fact, I remember one of my college professors was VERY disrespectful during a practical exam and I went to his office hours and give him a huge CHUNK of my mind. More recently, I had some guy get angry because I didn't agree with him on a particular subject and he started making threats. To make a long story short, I let him know that I wanted ALL the smoke and he ran away with his tail between his legs.😂 In addition, a local MMA fighter and coach didn't like the fact that my school was gaining traction and becoming popular with people in the city. He started trying to intimidate me (something he had done to other instructors in the past) and even started harassing my customers. I approached him and told him I wanted the smoke and even HE backed off. Now he avoids me like the plague at local events and only runs his mouth from the safety of his cell phone. 😂 I say all that to illustrate that my independence and "never back down" attitude came about from my experience with peers. I think there needs to be more study on childhood experiences beyond caregivers. If I became more independent after my experience with my peers, I think there are plenty of other people who had similar experiences.
I wonder about the effect of childhood bullying. I think that caused my ex-boyfriend to become a DA, and also drives his desire for money and status , like he still has something to prove at 50+ years old.
@@LucilleDesmoulins well, they say success is the best revenge. This is likely a philosophy someone who was bullied as a child would adopt. I know I did. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it's satisfying that I became a fitness athlete, an international martial arts champion, and built a business from scratch where I've not only trained celebrities you've seen on Netflix and Disney+, but was crowned best martial art school in my town in 2023. All this while my "bullies" are miserable and haven't accomplished much of anything. 🤷🏿♂️
@@Littleowl85352 looking back, I think my bullying was the result of jealousy. I remember when getting top scores for tests, no one clapped. I even remember things getting WORSE when I received awards like "Who's Who in America" and was transferred to advanced placement classes. Couple this with the fact that I was a great athlete who was asked to join the varsity football and basketball teams as a sophomore only to get the third highest in pull-ups and the second fastest in both the mile and dash, I think I made people feel inferior. I never really looked at those things as significant at the time as my parents were academics and that's all they cared about. Now that I understand how inadequate MOST people feel, I realize I only added to these people's feelings of inadequacy through my accomplishments.
#8. Was in a LDR relationship of 1 year ++ with someone who did plan trips and come over a lot to my country. But when it came to really laying down settlement plans and future talk, he just shut down and really had no way of navigating this sadly. It was hard to understand how contradictory this behavior was but i couldn't deal with the BS. im so done, no one deserves anyone like this✔️
Please, get rid of that loud background music. Us, neurodivergent folks can't focus. It was better without it. 👌🏻 Apart from that high quality content.
Im not angry far from it. I choose talk over fighting every time! I choose talking, communicating. But let me be clear IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO PLACATE AVOID, redirect sideline your feelings at any time! DA and FA should be avoided at all times, Cut your losses now, walk away! DONT WASTE YOUR TIME!!!
Could you please make like a checklist of each one so I could see which one I check off more than the other? I go back and forth feeling like I’m either FA or DA. Is it possible that after going through multiple abusive relationships in your adulthood that your attachment style can change in your adult life? I took a test online and it showed that I had a secure attachment with my father, DA with my husband, AP with my mother and FA with my friendships. So it is very confusing!
exactly. once as a DA i got secure financially I had more time/leverage and desire to add on a relationship and to develop my relationships. Thank you thais
When you're a DA yourself, try to connect with a DA, get up the courage to share your feelings and the partner just draws away, rejects you, suggests friendship instead of a relationsship and gets back together with his ex. 💔
I think I am a DA. I am uncomfortable asking questions. I guess either because of what the answer is or that the question gets questioned. Is this something you’ve or anyone has seen before??
Dismissive Avoidant is not a life sentence. It can be reprogrammed. Not by any of us who are not them, but through self-control and awareness on behalf of the DA and encouraging by their person.
Hi thias, this music is a new thing and agree with the other comments. It doesn't work. It is really really distracting. Can you repost this video without the music? Thank you! Another great video ❤
Thais, you’re a gem! Thank you for the gift you are. I always laugh when I remember you saying DAs don’t like to share food. This has been true for all the DAs I know. Perhaps it can be #11 😂
I,m going through this now, we have been dating for 6 months. She came to me last week and said she needs to step back , right back. Saying things like, where moving to fast. I freek out when you do things around my house for me. Ans I like you but not sure if that's enough. . She likes her freedom. 4 weeks earlier you are my boyfriend now. I want you to meet my family. And left it was so weird out of the blue. Iittle to no contact. I really not sure what to do.
Can it be a cultural thing, that in some societies boys are taught not to show any emotions (and some girls too), so they grow up DAs? I'm surrounded by DAs:)) FA myself, and was told not to show emotions in childhood.
Leave, choose yourself. I’m a DA and someone chasing or “fighting for me” (ugh I hate that term, sounds violent lol) never changed anything. I’m pretty concrete in decision making
I am worried about myself. I don't know which Attacment Style I would be described as. But I reflect whatever it is, even though I am an attentive, caring, empathetic, thoughtful character type, by NOT encouraging nor initiating physical intimacy. And I am quite old now, and the pattern is long ingrained. I need deep help please.
So I have every sign on this list, but I’m pretty sure I’m FA? I have anxious traits too and need conflict at times to move past issues. Can FA’s have these traits too?
Lol Practice escape strategy, she came to visit me from another country. I got her gift when we were still together, when she was traveling back, she left the gift in my house. It was odd, cz usually she was very organized, and claimed that she had forgotten it there. I had a hunch that she did it on purpose. A month later, she dumps me, while living in another country. Apparently, she suddenly finds out we are not compatible. It seems to me that when she left the gift it was some kind of escape plan. She didn't want to keep the gift cz already she was planning the breakup. Of course there was someone else and she entered a new relationship that 2 month later also ended 😂 Yes definitely avoidant. Yes she also began to pick out flaws when I questioned her about why she's leaving me, she claimed that I wasn't a leader to her. And I asked can u give me an example ? I remember taking most of decisions in the relationship, and she opened up to me when she was in trouble and I used to love listening to my advice. Suddenly i am no londer a leader for her? This made 0 sense to me.
@@TechieSewing Yes that's what my therapist said. But she seems to be more avoidant cz borderlines usually create problems in the relationship. My ex didn't create any problems, in fact the relationship even though it was on and off, but in general we were happy and we communicated very well. I had no idea that her doubts about me will eventually lead her to break up cz she was very happy. She avoided the need to communicate, that's why I see that she's avoidant more than borderline.
@@Ahicksaf Borderlines have a-void inside, so a-voidant by definition ;) But anyway, regardless of the diagnosis, it's just a weird line and a weird thing to say. People look for partners, companions, soulmates, people to grow old together, people to laugh with, people to rely on in hard times. But leaders? That smells of the sect or something. I guess you are lucky she's broken up with you, and you don't have to get entangled any more than you had.
@TechieSewing about the not a leader line, I have no idea what she means. We already broken up before cz was traveling, then we decided to be friends. Then she came back to me telling me shes still has feelings, and we had a 3 month relationship then she broke my heart I wasn't enough. I told her that u can't judge me this way, and that you can't satisfy all ur needs in 3 month if u keep cutting me off. I still have no clue why she saw that I am not a leader, maybe she's comparing me with someone else. But it felt like she suddenly opened a fortune cookie that told her we are not compatible, I don't agree with her. Its weird How can one person feel they're compatible with someone that doesn't feel it back? For me I felt we clicked.
Can a DA bring up DA tendencies in their partner? My childhood was certainly much more traumatizing than my partner's. My needs were never something important to my parents unlike my partner's. I want to communicate but with being dismissed over and over i conclude my needs don't matter and avoid dismiss as well...
Thais. Love your work. Can I ask; my wife is DA for sure, she’s now separated from me (1 month ago), we’ve 4 kids (16-8yo). In 6 months leading up to her going she ticked every box you’ve noted ie stonewalling, escaping through socials & tv series to NOT have discussions, turned most debates into me (SA) not giving her what she’s needed for apparently a LONG time!! Emotionally but also physically. Said she’s lost the spark and needs space. How is it though, that if a DA struggles with feelings, that she was finally able to tell me that she’s in love with another man? That I know!! What really can I do to turn this one around? Trying no contact but impossible due to kids and our joint involvement in so much sport etc. seems anything I try pushes her further away?! Really confused. Love her so much. Want her back so much. Shattered. 😞
This is very confusing. The title says you're describing an Avoidant attachment style which seemed like an "umbrella 🏖️ term" but you keep saying Dismissive avoidant in the video 🤷, I relate to every one of them. These all describe me but I was under the impression that I was a fearful avoidant attachment style??? I grew up with parents with some emotional issues so I experienced some emotional trauma in childhood. ie made to feel like my actions and thinking were not smart / walking on eggshells because of fear of emotional/anger outbursts from one parent Vs aggressively made to feel like my opinions/ viewpoint were sometimes just wrong from the other parent 🤷 "I have good parents btw just not perfect ☺️lol if I call/ need ANYTHING they are coming through! I never had issues with any other needs being met, ie. love, attention, physical touch, food, shelter, clothing ect, My parents issues with emotional instability and how they related information to me is where most of my childhood trauma comes from and I think having one parent having unexpected anger outbursts is a major contributor to why I'm very hyper vigilant in excessing people's emotions when entering a room and feel others emotions as my own but also have issues accessing and understanding my own emotions, I feel emotions deeply but have a hard time expressing them so sometimes I come off as being unemotional at times until I hit a breaking point or somebody crys or I'm watching a emotional movie I break down and cry as well 😭"big ugly cry" lol, I avoid any form of conflict at all costs, I usually do whatever to make the other person comfortable and happy so that my emotions can stay stable and at peace. I need "A Lot" of alone time to recharge , my energy drains fast when interacting with people because I am always overwhelmed with keeping the atmosphere peaceful for my own sanity and emotional safety😢. And I have a very hard time expressing my needs so I feel resentful because I'm always accessing other's needs and meet them without them having to tell me and or responding to the needs they express as promptly as possible, But also everything in this video applies to me as well. Except I don't really feel I have any abandonment issues 🤷 So am I both??
She lost feelings twice already i dont understand everything find next thing u know im not in love wth now she wants to talk this weekend horrible feelings. Her therapist told bout the fault finding thing
![Hunxho - Ball Forever [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/nki9ZTF9Uls/mqdefault.jpg)
Have you spotted any of these signs in your relationships? Let me know what your experience was like! ❤
Thais! I love your video content. A little feedback on the video editing: The music is too loud in beginning and doesn’t match the friendliness of the jingle. However I do like the intense music haha :) again, I love love love your videos and have binged watched and seen new videos for a year now. Thank you. ❤
The last girl I dated (for 2 months) had a bunch of these traits. Maybe she was an avoidant?
She was very self-focused and most of the conversations were about her or drama with her friends.
She kept snapchat streak going, but was otherwise very flaky. Canceling plans usually last minute without rescheduling.
Before our first date she told me she was unsure if she could give back what she expected to get from her partner.
She was very upfront with saying she likes getting attention. And as a 30 year old she has had Botox, lip fillers and she parties a lot (usually in very revealing clothing).
She wanted to date for at least a year. She definitely wanted something ultra low-effort on her part. Never made plans for us.
Often times she said stuff but never followed up on it, making dinner for us at her place etc (never did that, and I never even seen the inside of her place).
She broke things off over a non-issue. Probably for the best :P
Absolutely 100% they’re DA. It’s really really hard but I can’t just walk away. I like them, I want them, and I feel sorry for them. 😢
How can we get them to open up Thais, tell us what happened? I KNOW they trust me, feel very very close to me.
Also, bc they’re DA, does this make them immature? Sometimes I think, “Oh, what a child.” Also they’re blunt, no filter, like a child who doesn’t know any better.
Sometimes it happens from abusive realtionship with a person like this ..to end up with unhealthy attachment style not always childhood. Just a thought
@@AlexDahlZit’s not you! Intelligent (EQ) is so important for a healthy realionship and she should be focused less on Botox and more on internal work sounds like to me. 🙏. People that are healthy ask questions and don’t ghost or get made over non issues. I did some stuff and think it ticked off my date. We were exclusive and I shared too much! Honesty is a bad deal! My dress was tight and not revealing but showed my figure and he made a comment: then went out and told me he had a beer and he told me he doesn’t drink and yes I had a drink and didn’t drink for over 20 something years. Too many things adding up to make me nervous after being with a Person this unhealthy and I am anxiously attached from death of many loved ones and my marriage now. Never was this way and working on it. I also have some of these traits meaning I want distance and my friend told me I should met the guy half way. He didn’t answer the phone so figure he’s done. No clairy or telling me anything. People call themselves old fashioned but seriously that new age junk! 😂
1) Fear of being vulnerable
2) Practice escaping strategies
3) Agreeable in order to avoid conflict
4) Sensitive to criticism and shame
5) Low emotional bandwidth
6) Feel misunderstood/ don't communicate needs
7) Lack of healthy interdependence
8) Want low effort relationships with no conflict
9) May lose feelings suddenly
10) Believe they are not enough
Omg, the Dismissive Avoidant belief that "my childhood was great and I have no trauma" is exactly what I experienced with my ex. Then he would go on to tell me about several traumatizing events he experienced during his childhood...it was really strange. Hoping to avoid another relationship with someone not willing to check in and acknowledge where their damage is and working to make a change.
Every DA I’ve been close to has said the same thing and you ask questions and are thinking ummm that’s traumatic. I have gotten to a place that if I see one sign of someone being a DA, I walk away. Not bc there is something wrong with them, but my nervous system can’t handle it! If they are aware and actively working on it would be a different story.
Even for FAs...the guy I was with told me his childhood was normal and then every time he was telling me something of his past, it was weird and traumatic for a child...but he didn't even realize that
I'm glad this video resonated with you! Awareness is crucial and it seems like you know what you want for your future relationship ❤
Correct… in my current situation my guy told me he had an practically non-functional alcoholic mother growing up, and I expressed sadness for him and asked a few questions, and he was like. It was fine. I don’t remember anything bad happening. 🤦🏻♀️ Then proceeded to tell me about his parents divorce and that he is basically no contact with his mother since that time. I didn’t know about attachment disorders back then, but I should have listened to my gut telling that wasn’t a healthy or accurate assessment of his childhood traumas
As a mostly recovered DA I notice this exact sentiment from pretty much every unhealed DA I meet. The format is almost always "X atrocious thing happened. But it wasn't a big deal and I understand intellectually why they were like that."
As a DA you think you're being selfless and stoic when you see the world this way. But it also shuts the door on sharing any truly deep vulnerabilities with your partner and later on inclines you to be more dismissive of your partner's struggles, even if not in completely overt ways.
Shout out to my DAs who are educating themselves and actively working to heal and become better partners/friends/family. Despite what some people say, there are those of you out there putting in the hard work every day.
I've been in therapy for many, many years and I've watched 100s of videos on healing insecure attachment from therapists and psychologists. I would say my DA core wounds still exist, but they are FAR less painful and I am functionally a secure partner who works to be vulnerable with and validating to my partner with some AP tendencies. He's also been wonderful in helping me feel safe in my final stretches of healing and living authentically connected.
Change is SO possible!!! I probably wouldn't even be able to recognize the old me. I was so excruciatingly repressed... almost a husk of a person.
Thank you❤You are so inspiring
Yes DA here as well. Trying to better myself as well.
Thanks for the patronising pat on the head, it’s made my day!
Congratulations!! Most DAs refuse to admit they have a problem and they don't realize how hurtful they can be to their loved ones. I am SECURE, but needless to say, I have been working on Myself for over 20 years. I wish you all The Best & Continue Healing...👍
But dismissive avoidants cause conflict when they're not transparent and they withhold information.
Yes, it's always someone else's fault, isn't it?
Yes, that's an ironic truth about conflict avoidance. They don't really have fewer conflicts than they would have if this behaviour was healed. They just avoid all the small ones, and avoid the chance to resolve them while they are small too, so some will grow to become big.
Yup they do
They do that for a reason. Normally - it’s perceived self preservation.
That’s because during childhood that’s what kept them safe & now it hurts them. It’s really quite sad. But that’s what it is with all insecure attachment styles
Man, after all my learning, convos, groups. I swear I can spot an avoidant 10 min into a conversation. Love this channel!
Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it! I'm also glad you've learned so much! 🤗
He told me first date that he goes out on dates, but nothing ever comes out of it. I should have ran away but...😂
I’m a “healed” DA. But I’m realizing that I attract DA’s because it feels safe. I cancelled on a person that I truly liked a lot, the minute I felt he can hurt me. I made myself vulnerable and actually communicated and initiated. He is also a DA and cancelled on me too. We’re both spying on one another. So I don’t think I’m healed.
I am sorry for you but Da on DA is so funny! :P
No need for music when you speak
Thais' content is so amazing... the music is distracting. The depth and quality of content and the music just don't match.
Because I now know more about attachment styles due to watching videos from this channel and elsewhere, I am comforted by the fact that no matter how good I was as a partner, the outcome of my relationship with my DA ex would be the same. The good thing was unlike others, I didn't doubt my value as a person while also conveying my understanding and acceptance of his decision to break up because I would not be one to impose myself on anyone. It was the way it was. Whatever happens in our lives, I believe, we are meant to learn from that, so we can have meaningful lives.
Love this
Same, I was confused by the breakup but I didn't question my worth and I'm trying to accept the fact that this is just how he is programmed and I wish for nothing but healing for him❤
My ex had a hard time being vulnerable in the middle of our relationship Probably after six months and when I would talk about Something serious he would hide under a pillow or blanket when I would try to Go deeper in the connection To get to know each other better he would say I don't know a lot Made it very hard to get to know him he didn't not like Conflict at all I think he told me what I wanted to hear there was no conflict resolution His words and actions stopped matching Has behavior became unattractive I wasn't getting my needs met So I walked away ❤
This is my husband and it helps me to understand him so much better. Plus he’s a functional alcoholic (work day off drinker) so it’s hard being the strong, stable, always keep my sh$t tougher spouse. I have needs too and I never know who’s going to show up from day to day. It’s hard.
Conflict is bad, feelings are bad, I can't stick up for myself, I don't know what I really want or feel - all true.
at least you are communicating and not denying the truth- that's a good start
I had a break up last year with a DA partner. Your videos have been so helpful for me to understand her and why she did what she did. Thank you for your great content
Was her name Molly?
I only attract DAs into my life. I've decided to stop dating. I no longer wish to associate with this type of person. It's been almost two years since I last dated someone. It's the best way to live! 🎉
Sup Ashley.
You’re describing it as a pattern in your life. That makes me wonder: to what extent is it clear to you why you keep attracting these kind of people every time again ?
It may reveal something about yourself which can act as a starting point for further personal growth. 😊
@@Koga-EdYes!! I was the same, it was me! Attracting what was familiar.
from my experience with a DA ex, this video has pretty summarised it all. fear of being vulnerable lead them to communicate less of their needs leaving the partner guessing. They will appear cold from time to time making the partner guessing whats wrong. when partner wishes to bring the relationship to the next stage, the DA feels overwhelmed and withdraws (they feel they are not good enough due to their childhood experiences) and says they prefer to be alone. The partner accepts and respects the DA's decision.
The partner then uses the no contact period to think about the relationship, what has caused the relationship to come to this stage, what did i do wrong, was it worth it, should it be salvaged, do we really love each other etc etc.
yeah, im still in the no contact period for over a week now. DAs wont reach out. they are probably feeling relieved. But thanks to Thais's book, i figured out my own attachment style and my ex's style...but to make the relationship work, its needs hella of work. It probably won't work given the DA's reluctance to be vulnerable and communicate. But i don't blame the DA because we can't control how we were brought up.
Wow yes! I’m going through exactly this!
Thank you sharing..
Oh my goodness. Going through a break up right now with a man I really love and care about, and while I’ve suspected he was heavily avoidant, this video really captured his side in our relational dynamic - Everything on this list describes him. Unfortunately even trying to highlight the emotional disconnect and things from his side triggered his avoidance and we were stuck in a cycle with me being anxiously attached. I really believe if we both had been able to share our needs and open up together we could have made it work.
I'm going through this now. I thought he might be on the autistic spectrum but he didn't have many of the common traits of autism. Now I know why I was so frustrated after being so tolerant with him.. I hope you are healing well. Feeling pretty upset here
@@margotmaven1052 I’m doing a lot better. I’m so sorry you went through something like this too. I suspected the same for awhile with my partner possible having autism. It’s hard when you put so much effort in but unfortunately that wouldn’t fix their avoidant tendencies. I hope you will continue to heal 🩷
I’m so sorry for what you ladies are going through……happened to me 2 weeks ago and it is so painful. I’ve been discarded by a boyfriend who I connected to in every way, but our traumas.
I’m stuck with this scenario over and over in my head and just a conversation to understand the other persons opinion would bring some reassurance to both of us.
@@Weismant81 I hope things get better for you love, it’s a hard and heartbreaking place to be in. It was the same way for me, I felt if we could just understand each other it would have helped so much but in order for that to happen both people need to want it. Take care love ♥️
@@VeronicaMxoxovery true. Thank you…. You as well.
And I’m supposed to wait around until he’s emotionally stable to reach out in order to communicate his thoughts. This is the strangest thing I’ve ever been through…… and I’m just ready to take the loss.
It's hard loving a DA but I give room for we are all human
Yep true lol my favorite saying . However I would not ever be interested in an avoidant relationship again with a new partner it would surely be the end of me...not easy at all unless they work on them self. Not many serm to want to change though.
I am a fearful avoidant woman that leans avoidant mostly but with an avoidant partner WE CLASH!! This is spot on!
Avoidants clash with everyone
You are a wealth of very valuable information! My personal and couples counselors barely could recognize issues from my husband. After he was done manipulating our therapists, it was all a waste of time. I sat there with him telling the therapist what a terrible person I was. I had to. stop him and finally say, then why are you wasting everyone's time? The therapist didn't do anything to take control of the diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
As a therapist, I love that you’re sharing both perspectives of you and your husband. Very useful 💓💓💓
I was talking to a severe DA for 6 mos here were the glaring signs:
1) 🚩inconsistent communication
2) 🚩he had A LOT of dating “stories” to the point I said, you date a lot and you’re 43 and never married, should I be concerned? Yes, yes I should have. He is a comment phobe.
3) 🚩when I expressed early on this situation wasn’t going to work for me, it took him 2 DAYS TO CALL me to talk about it.
4) 🚩THE PHANTOM EX… baby momma. The only conflict we had where he went all out nuclear was about her and my queening of their “situation” which was very enmeshed.
5) 🚩he would tell me constantly that he would call me back AND NEVER CALLED BACK.
6) 🚩not close with his siblings
7) 🚩chronically “busy”
8) 🚩showed up emotionally intelligent until triggered than nuclear ☢️
9) 🚩 told me that he meets everyone else’s needs and gives to everyone but he never receives it in return
10) communication, meeting needs, talking about the “relationship” was all on HIS TERMS.
@@alwaystheheartwere you studying him. 😂. You could write a paper on him.
@@rohaninitiative6058haha almost! I was trying to understand what I missed, what I overlooked, how I ended up in that situation. I also made a list of "mistakes" I did. It took two to tango. .
Sounds about right!Same with my DA 😅...It was like the only way the relationship would have survived is if I just shut up & looked pretty. 🙄😒
Damn! I was conflicted between FA and DA but this video made me cry for my younger self and it's pretty clear that I am definitely a DA.
Re the communication of needs. What if you are very respectful of their space (and like some time for yourself too). But they say if you try and make plans that you are "controlling them and they shouldn't have to make a plan or tell you what they are doing". Keep in mind I'm not telling them what to do just want to know when I might see them this week or if we can have a regular night we catch-up, asking in a respectful way and saying "it's important to me to have some structure so I can plan my week, it's okay if things change we can just check in I just need to have some sort of a plan for me personally". This is after a year and a half of a relationship. They want to come over often and even get offended when I have said not tonight a number of times, it's just very rarely planned.
That might be a narcissist trait present in a person, but should be investigated further. I assume you confront them on the subject? 'Hey, how come I can't make plans, because that's presumably controlling, but you want to come without any previous agreement, and are offended I had other plans? I'm not just sitting idle waiting for your arrival, you know; I have a life too'.
A reasonable person would be able to look at the situation and see it's ridiculous. If they don't, that would be a red flag for me.
I had this experience! Not willing to set plans, everything is last minute??
What a beautiful explanation Thais! Thank you so much. Hit 10 points of things I observed in a partner, now I can relate to that. No idea if there’s ever hope for finding to each other. But still giving peace of mind.
I'm FA but I do the same, expecially when I'm feeling overwhelmed...I always say "Turn on the volume of the music to turn off the volume in my head" 😢
My FA partner does the same. I'm the DA and I'm like, "You wanna talk?" I'm the one who is supposed to be shutting down! 😂 See what healing can do for you?! 😂
Give yourself credit for recognizing this pattern and be kind to yourself on your healing journey! ❤
What happens when the person starts healing? Do they stay with the same partner or do they lose the attraction they thought they once had.
Makes total sense to someone
Me
With a DA!
Extremely
Grateful for this video!
❤
Could you do a video of signs of a fearful avoidant? Dismissive avoidant are easier to detect early on than fearful avoidant
Should a DA be sent a letter or package of information that lets them know they are DA? They are abusing drugs and alcohol and have 6 OWIs. I don't think they know they are DA. They are using drugs and alcohol to deaden painful emotions.😢
Music is distracting
Sadly, he fits all 10. But dismisses and avoids looking into it. I had to walk away. Too painful. I told him I love him. It's been 6 weeks no contact. Heartbroken and confused.
same here :( 8 weeks of no contact, I had to end it
Let's always check ourselves..why put up with that, why are we putting up with certain things. If we were busy leaving and healing wouldn't they eventually realize they have an issue, then begin to heal themselves
@@bombimpressionsministries that requires self-reflections which avoidants avoid like fire
I was told I deserved better and that he loved me but we aren't compatible....was told in the beginning he's really good at being alone ..time together limited....I wanted too much ...I'm too emotional...he said he has a hard time with emotions....it's awful. Were together a year. So basically he's ignoring me and will continue that? And I'll never hear from him? Like he's going around not missing me?? I feel like all the issues we had are my fault. I'm on anxiety meds. It's extremely painful.
I’m a DA, but I assumed everyone wanted low drama relationships 😅 Why must there be drama, most things can be solved with some straight forward communication and the maintenance of standards, expectations and boundaries imo. I understand conflict will happen, but some things don’t need to be a battle-I’d even say most things
People do want low drama but it seems like for a lot of avoidants, they think that not sharing thoughts, not talking through things, is low drama, but that actually is drama. Talking through things, explaining feelings, explaining thoughts, these are all ways to create closure and be respectful of emotions
I agree. I am a former DA but now securely attached. Looking back, even if I am not a DA and is securely attached I would still dump my ex who is AP and other situationships I had😂 The pick fights and drama is too much to tolerate. Just want to lie in bed, read books, do hiking and interact with friends. 😅❤
Straight forward communication is exactly what conflict avoidance... avoids having. This agreeing and not meaning, trying to pacify but not understand, just like Thais explains in the video. I fully agree to your statement, it's just not what people that fear conflict, do.
I'm not sure if I dealt with a straight DA, but a FA with strong conflict avoidance can be such a pain. All this pre-emptive guessing just to avoid confrontation, and said confrounation would have looked like 'do you want X? No. Ok then!'.
@@lalaladyvk this makes sense, but I wonder if other attachment types take into account respecting ALL emotions. I’ve had the issue in the past of trying to do just what you say and being lashed out on. I will say “I didn’t like this thing,” then the other party cries, maybe gets a bit volatile and then somehow wants to still share space. Um no, now you’re not safe because I just tried to have a conversation with you and was taken waaaaaaay left. I’ve heard other attachment types describe this as passion or fighting for the connection…lol leave me out of that. I understand some upset, conflict, but I refuse to be on an emotional rollercoaster. Maybe I haven’t experienced a “secure” person so I’m going too far with my own biases and experiences, I don’t know. Attachment style is a spectrum though, isn’t it? I’m more of a speak about problem once or twice and then once I see no progress, “discarding” sort of DA (that’s what it’s called here but I consider it breaking up since in most cases I tell the person. Though once I’m done I’m done, they might as well not bother reaching out.)
@sj3969 like many DAs, sounds like you're very attracted to APs... that all sounds bat shit crazy to me
I never knew about attachment styles till I went thru a breakup where we went from talking about marriage to I only love you when I see you, I don’t love you when I don’t see you.
It’s been difficult but learning about avoidants has helped. Thank you for sharing your knowledge
Same here… when I’m out of town, my DA says he doesn’t consider us a couple until I return home.🤔🤔
😢🤯🙏❤️
Great video, but please do not include that background music track in future videos. It makes it difficult to hear what you are saying. Super distracting.
Nice breakdown. I still question whether or not this has more to do with later experiences with peers rather than just experiences caregivers. I learned to be independent in high school after being rejected by my peers. Granted, I was ignored by my parents for the most part, but I didn't feel the need to be hyper independent until high school.
I remember that was when I started living by the motto, "live in defiance of others." This resulted in me never backing down from anyone, including those who wanted to enact violence against me when I was outnumbered (which happened frequently btw). This included teachers as well. In fact, I remember one of my college professors was VERY disrespectful during a practical exam and I went to his office hours and give him a huge CHUNK of my mind. More recently, I had some guy get angry because I didn't agree with him on a particular subject and he started making threats. To make a long story short, I let him know that I wanted ALL the smoke and he ran away with his tail between his legs.😂 In addition, a local MMA fighter and coach didn't like the fact that my school was gaining traction and becoming popular with people in the city. He started trying to intimidate me (something he had done to other instructors in the past) and even started harassing my customers. I approached him and told him I wanted the smoke and even HE backed off. Now he avoids me like the plague at local events and only runs his mouth from the safety of his cell phone. 😂
I say all that to illustrate that my independence and "never back down" attitude came about from my experience with peers. I think there needs to be more study on childhood experiences beyond caregivers. If I became more independent after my experience with my peers, I think there are plenty of other people who had similar experiences.
I wonder about the effect of childhood bullying. I think that caused my ex-boyfriend to become a DA, and also drives his desire for money and status , like he still has something to prove at 50+ years old.
@@LucilleDesmoulins well, they say success is the best revenge. This is likely a philosophy someone who was bullied as a child would adopt. I know I did. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it's satisfying that I became a fitness athlete, an international martial arts champion, and built a business from scratch where I've not only trained celebrities you've seen on Netflix and Disney+, but was crowned best martial art school in my town in 2023. All this while my "bullies" are miserable and haven't accomplished much of anything. 🤷🏿♂️
I think that attachment style change in adulthood as well, since neuroplasticity still happens in adulthood
@@musicandart9711 I agree
@@Littleowl85352 looking back, I think my bullying was the result of jealousy. I remember when getting top scores for tests, no one clapped. I even remember things getting WORSE when I received awards like "Who's Who in America" and was transferred to advanced placement classes. Couple this with the fact that I was a great athlete who was asked to join the varsity football and basketball teams as a sophomore only to get the third highest in pull-ups and the second fastest in both the mile and dash, I think I made people feel inferior. I never really looked at those things as significant at the time as my parents were academics and that's all they cared about. Now that I understand how inadequate MOST people feel, I realize I only added to these people's feelings of inadequacy through my accomplishments.
#8. Was in a LDR relationship of 1 year ++ with someone who did plan trips and come over a lot to my country. But when it came to really laying down settlement plans and future talk, he just shut down and really had no way of navigating this sadly. It was hard to understand how contradictory this behavior was but i couldn't deal with the BS. im so done, no one deserves anyone like this✔️
Omg!!! You’re talking about me 😭 😭
Please, get rid of that loud background music. Us, neurodivergent folks can't focus. It was better without it. 👌🏻 Apart from that high quality content.
@@Littleowl85352 for me it depends :)
I often learn English by listening.
Im not angry far from it. I choose talk over fighting every time! I choose talking, communicating. But let me be clear IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO PLACATE AVOID, redirect sideline your feelings at any time! DA and FA should be avoided at all times, Cut your losses now, walk away! DONT WASTE YOUR TIME!!!
Could you please make like a checklist of each one so I could see which one I check off more than the other? I go back and forth feeling like I’m either FA or DA. Is it possible that after going through multiple abusive relationships in your adulthood that your attachment style can change in your adult life? I took a test online and it showed that I had a secure attachment with my father, DA with my husband, AP with my mother and FA with my friendships. So it is very confusing!
exactly. once as a DA i got secure financially I had more time/leverage and desire to add on a relationship and to develop my relationships. Thank you thais
This information is describing my ex accurately 100%
When you're a DA yourself, try to connect with a DA, get up the courage to share your feelings and the partner just draws away, rejects you, suggests friendship instead of a relationsship and gets back together with his ex. 💔
I think I am a DA. I am uncomfortable asking questions. I guess either because of what the answer is or that the question gets questioned. Is this something you’ve or anyone has seen before??
Dismissive Avoidant is not a life sentence. It can be reprogrammed. Not by any of us who are not them, but through self-control and awareness on behalf of the DA and encouraging by their person.
Hi thias, this music is a new thing and agree with the other comments. It doesn't work. It is really really distracting. Can you repost this video without the music? Thank you! Another great video ❤
Thais, you’re a gem! Thank you for the gift you are. I always laugh when I remember you saying DAs don’t like to share food. This has been true for all the DAs I know. Perhaps it can be #11 😂
@mirah2578 what?? I never heard that one. Pls share! 😊
Not more to share other than she’s mentioned in the past that DA people don’t like to share food. Have you had this experience?
@@mirah2578 no! 😄
I,m going through this now, we have been dating for 6 months. She came to me last week and said she needs to step back , right back. Saying things like, where moving to fast. I freek out when you do things around my house for me. Ans I like you but not sure if that's enough. . She likes her freedom. 4 weeks earlier you are my boyfriend now. I want you to meet my family. And left it was so weird out of the blue. Iittle to no contact. I really not sure what to do.
Strongly dislike the background music. It makes no sense to have it while you’re talking.
I really appreciate your education to achieve healthy relationships ❤
Excellent video, thank you, it helped me understand what my DA ex was going through.
Why can’t
WE
A L L
Get professionally healed by
You
@Thias❤️
You’re amazingly knowledgeable 🎁
Relationship
Harmony
ALL
Over
THE
WORLD 🌍 💭
Can it be a cultural thing, that in some societies boys are taught not to show any emotions (and some girls too), so they grow up DAs?
I'm surrounded by DAs:))
FA myself, and was told not to show emotions in childhood.
i think you are right. I have seen it in very rural places, northern where also the cold climate naturally keeps people a bit more apart.
Excellent video! Thank you
What happens when they lose feelings when their fears come up? What do you have to do?
And is it temporary???
YOU MUST SAY TO YOURSELF YOU " MATTER"! You are valuable, you can have what you want!
Go no into no contact…. My advice
Leave, choose yourself. I’m a DA and someone chasing or “fighting for me” (ugh I hate that term, sounds violent lol) never changed anything. I’m pretty concrete in decision making
I am worried about myself. I don't know which Attacment Style I would be described as. But I reflect whatever it is, even though I am an attentive, caring, empathetic, thoughtful character type, by NOT encouraging nor initiating physical intimacy. And I am quite old now, and the pattern is long ingrained. I need deep help please.
A really good one Thais. Thank u.
So I have every sign on this list, but I’m pretty sure I’m FA? I have anxious traits too and need conflict at times to move past issues. Can FA’s have these traits too?
Yes. FA has traits from both dismissive and Anxious attachment styles.
Lol Practice escape strategy, she came to visit me from another country. I got her gift when we were still together, when she was traveling back, she left the gift in my house. It was odd, cz usually she was very organized, and claimed that she had forgotten it there. I had a hunch that she did it on purpose. A month later, she dumps me, while living in another country. Apparently, she suddenly finds out we are not compatible. It seems to me that when she left the gift it was some kind of escape plan. She didn't want to keep the gift cz already she was planning the breakup.
Of course there was someone else and she entered a new relationship that 2 month later also ended 😂 Yes definitely avoidant. Yes she also began to pick out flaws when I questioned her about why she's leaving me, she claimed that I wasn't a leader to her. And I asked can u give me an example ? I remember taking most of decisions in the relationship, and she opened up to me when she was in trouble and I used to love listening to my advice. Suddenly i am no londer a leader for her? This made 0 sense to me.
That's a weird line to say. Maybe she's borderline, and that's way more intense than just a DA or a FA.
@@TechieSewing Yes that's what my therapist said. But she seems to be more avoidant cz borderlines usually create problems in the relationship. My ex didn't create any problems, in fact the relationship even though it was on and off, but in general we were happy and we communicated very well. I had no idea that her doubts about me will eventually lead her to break up cz she was very happy. She avoided the need to communicate, that's why I see that she's avoidant more than borderline.
@@Ahicksaf Borderlines have a-void inside, so a-voidant by definition ;) But anyway, regardless of the diagnosis, it's just a weird line and a weird thing to say. People look for partners, companions, soulmates, people to grow old together, people to laugh with, people to rely on in hard times. But leaders? That smells of the sect or something.
I guess you are lucky she's broken up with you, and you don't have to get entangled any more than you had.
@TechieSewing about the not a leader line, I have no idea what she means. We already broken up before cz was traveling, then we decided to be friends. Then she came back to me telling me shes still has feelings, and we had a 3 month relationship then she broke my heart I wasn't enough. I told her that u can't judge me this way, and that you can't satisfy all ur needs in 3 month if u keep cutting me off. I still have no clue why she saw that I am not a leader, maybe she's comparing me with someone else. But it felt like she suddenly opened a fortune cookie that told her we are not compatible, I don't agree with her. Its weird How can one person feel they're compatible with someone that doesn't feel it back? For me I felt we clicked.
@TechieSewing Oh I see , in our culture its different. The man is expected to lead, even though i agree with ur definition of a relationship more.
Can a DA bring up DA tendencies in their partner? My childhood was certainly much more traumatizing than my partner's. My needs were never something important to my parents unlike my partner's. I want to communicate but with being dismissed over and over i conclude my needs don't matter and avoid dismiss as well...
The music is too distracting. Please don't have background music like this.
Thais. Love your work.
Can I ask; my wife is DA for sure, she’s now separated from me (1 month ago), we’ve 4 kids (16-8yo). In 6 months leading up to her going she ticked every box you’ve noted ie stonewalling, escaping through socials & tv series to NOT have discussions, turned most debates into me (SA) not giving her what she’s needed for apparently a LONG time!! Emotionally but also physically. Said she’s lost the spark and needs space. How is it though, that if a DA struggles with feelings, that she was finally able to tell me that she’s in love with another man? That I know!! What really can I do to turn this one around? Trying no contact but impossible due to kids and our joint involvement in so much sport etc. seems anything I try pushes her further away?! Really confused. Love her so much. Want her back so much. Shattered. 😞
Oh, and we’ve been together for 24years, married for 17 of them
She definitely has childhood issues but refuses to acknowledge the possibility that that could have anything to do with her feelings. It’s just me?! 😢
why trying to treat these people if they are happy living like this.
Jesus, this is so demonic..
Please no music or maybe music thats less distracting❤
This is very confusing. The title says you're describing an Avoidant attachment style which seemed like an "umbrella 🏖️ term" but you keep saying Dismissive avoidant in the video 🤷, I relate to every one of them. These all describe me but I was under the impression that I was a fearful avoidant attachment style??? I grew up with parents with some emotional issues so I experienced some emotional trauma in childhood. ie made to feel like my actions and thinking were not smart / walking on eggshells because of fear of emotional/anger outbursts from one parent Vs aggressively made to feel like my opinions/ viewpoint were sometimes just wrong from the other parent 🤷 "I have good parents btw just not perfect ☺️lol if I call/ need ANYTHING they are coming through! I never had issues with any other needs being met, ie. love, attention, physical touch, food, shelter, clothing ect, My parents issues with emotional instability and how they related information to me is where most of my childhood trauma comes from and I think having one parent having unexpected anger outbursts is a major contributor to why I'm very hyper vigilant in excessing people's emotions when entering a room and feel others emotions as my own but also have issues accessing and understanding my own emotions, I feel emotions deeply but have a hard time expressing them so sometimes I come off as being unemotional at times until I hit a breaking point or somebody crys or I'm watching a emotional movie I break down and cry as well 😭"big ugly cry" lol, I avoid any form of conflict at all costs, I usually do whatever to make the other person comfortable and happy so that my emotions can stay stable and at peace. I need "A Lot" of alone time to recharge , my energy drains fast when interacting with people because I am always overwhelmed with keeping the atmosphere peaceful for my own sanity and emotional safety😢. And I have a very hard time expressing my needs so I feel resentful because I'm always accessing other's needs and meet them without them having to tell me and or responding to the needs they express as promptly as possible, But also everything in this video applies to me as well. Except I don't really feel I have any abandonment issues 🤷 So am I both??
She lost feelings twice already i dont understand everything find next thing u know im not in love wth now she wants to talk this weekend horrible feelings. Her therapist told bout the fault finding thing
The backgroundmusic is really annoying 😕
The video is supposed to be about avoidance but is all about DA…
DA folks have to do this work in therapy, in tandem with their dating life.
Just say my name, stop beating around the bush!!😃
literally half fking tinder right now, ghosting like u are nothing to them
Turn off the background music PLEASE. It’s annoying and distracting.
Make videos about sex