Hi Thais, would you please explain how external events such as financial issues, family issues of avoidants can affect the relationship? My relationship with my ex has been on the downfall once he had all those issues, including losing his apartment..
If a person is “secretly looking” for anything in a relationship they are a toxic child. Stay away from people who frame mental illness as “attachment styles”. You deserve an adult who says what they desire. All of these “attachment styles” like Fearful Avoidants are just Cluster B personality disorders reframed so that these people can cope and remain toxic instead of doing the work. Attachment styles are the astrology of psychology.
Thais ,at the momentI cant book a session, I have financial issues. So pls reply to my long msg if can. Im hoping to put my bf (if he come back to reconnect ) to Ur healing course for FA, I will do for AP after that. My loving FA bf & I loved since 2022 with push pull, on off patterns. He has BPD traits too I think, he is addicted to porn too. 1st 3 months we had a beautiful love, he was sensitive understanding to me, never hurt me, he shared his love in his personal social media publicly & communicated tru social media status (not straight chats) , his best friends helped us , even though we had differences (he is younger than me), we r in 2 religions . Everytime he brokeup for fear of commitment , too much intimacy , for triggering him (Im AP) unknowingly ,he always came back to me within a month in my NC after I started to giveup on him. When Im absent (not seen), when I disappear he gets so afraid ,his love for me increase , he reaches out with genuine regret, deep love , sensitive way. But when we r in love /everything is good in our relationship ,when he sees me often or chat regularly ,his love + attraction goes on-off ,he gets bored as I understood. He doesnt like msgs (to read or text much) , to talk emotional, who we r or commitment stuff, to b available in chat daily or call + meet me personally other than college . He came back in Oct-Nov 2023 after our September breakup ,to our college. We had an event in Oct-Nov. He celebrated our 1st year love Anniversary , my bday ,we met in same event in the previous year. He remembers all. I was hurt 1st, but then I showed my love by eye contact & smiles as he did, replied when he spoke for other things. But I was afraid to msg him , he was too bcos he treated me badly in Sep. He was expecting my msgs, to reconnect ,he was joyful , in love till Dec. In Dec I just liked a twitter , it says "Every end is a new beginning" , following day he started a rebound wit a classmate, bcos he assumed I ended our love & rejected him. Bcos he is handsome lot of girls like him. He shared profiles wit the date. In vain I shared it :( When we 1st seperated after he left our college he was in deep pain ,he posted his sad photos , status how much he missing me & sad songs. So in last July also he went to a rebound I assume (not sure) while we r in love, bcos after that we cannot meet often in college , its to cope with the loss of me & also like BPD on -off love. But it only lasted 2 ,3 weeks. Then he started chatting with me ,it was like FWB, but we both were in love & we feeling mo intimacy some days - then few hours or days he suddenly take space (disappear) , but he always sent❤️s, 🤗 to me & said he doesnt have a gf. But I triggered pressurized him beyond limits not knowing abt Attachment styles. Then he became aggressive , toxic too, he said he cant marry me, he should have a different gf. Then I cried a lot ,he knows I cried. Then we brokeup that month. But he regreted so & came back with so much love. Then only he felt rejected & went to this rebound. So again to Dec 2023, he started this rebound, to show /hurt me, as a distraction bcos he loved me so madly, may b he hasnt done as that wit others, I always understand him, love care for him differently than her parents/ mom. I dont expect him to b perfect in all, I say it to him often & compliment his good side, he feels so contended , happy for that. But his mom always want everything in his & bro's life perfect, she is so strict, too controlling , pressurizing even she loves the sons, he is very scared of mom.. So in Jan 2024 I msgd him 4 times to explain the truth ,that I was afraid to msg + I didnt leave him, wished him ,etc. He was calm, showed he wont get angry if I msg anytime, he sent my bday video he took, put 👍 s. But until now he didnt msg or chat. Then I went NC since Feb 2024, didnt use any social media or my WA even bcos he has hacked my WA & still checking my msgs & all A/Cs bcos he still cant bear when Im absent with NC. I slowly started a new WA for my closest friends in a fake name. Then 1 friend has shared it in a group ,my bf has read it & given the WA No. to his best friend to msg me to my new WA, I didnt reply. As its an indirect reach, then my bf came to see me to our college 3 days ago to see me, (we had abmn event) he was looking away ,but secretly looking at me, I saw he was staring when a guy was too closely talking to me, he is afraid for that too it seems. I was hurt & vanished to 4th floor ,I thought to wait there til he leaves. But before he left he came to 4th floor understanding Im hurt , upset & had eye contacts purposely walking around me few times. That time too that other guy was sitting next to me, but I dont love that guy. My bf is still afraid to lose me, my love, he wont let me leave him this time too as I understand. Thais Y he does as these? Is it bcos he doesnt love the rebound , but still loves me genuinely? But Y this time (now it 3 & a half months) he wont leave the rebound , remove photos wit her & come back to me fully, msg me to reconnect? Y is it had for him? 💔😢 I need to marry him end of 2024, I lost my family in my very young age, Im an orphan. I feel to die, I cry daily after he came last week to see me ,as I miss him, love him. But I heard u say ,when a FA reaches out if they feel we rejected them they'll shut down more so deeply & FA's rebound always fail quickly than other Attachment styles, wont last as its just to avoid pain, loss (distract) . Actually I was not 100% healed when he reached out in Oct-Dec. I msgd & explained all truth in January , he trust my love, my words so much. But sometimes he has told me his mom is suspicious of him & he is suspicious of me too in some small things. He has clear childhood traumas, I have told him & said I pray for him ,he has sent 👍 to it. He meets this rebound weekly in class I assume. But we wont meet daily or often as in past, rarely in college only. He left college last year. But we did chats, video calls. Now no chats too. We have events in college again in Oct-Nov. Is it a reason he keeps the rebound still or is it still relief / novelty stage ,not power struggle stage? When (month) is power struggle stage starts? Is it Ok to share Attachment style ,FA videos on my social media, is it breaking NC? What should I do now? Until he leave the rebound I cant msg him or send him the gift I took longtime ago. I need him back...! :(
1. Emotional depth. Hearing another open up and ask FA deep questions. 2. Trust. Congruency. Consistency. Consideration. 3. Presence. 4. Safety. Consistent. Stable. Reliable. 5. Passion. Connection. Chemistry. 6. Novelty. New discussions, places, activities… 7. Growing together. Deeper conversations. Needs or opinions as they change over time. 8. Freedom. 9. Independence- time together and time apart. 10. Feel appreciated.
@@marioct130are you communicating your expectations and communicating them appropriately and not begrudgingly. Your response tells me you may be passive aggressive and that does not work with most people let alone a FA. Instead of being resentful introspect. No one is perfect and it could be the FA you met you were just not compatible.
Emotional depth, trust, presence, safety, passion, novelty, freedom, growth...Any healthy adult desires all of these components to a relationship. However, given the FA attachment style and kinds of childhood experiences, I can see the context for each of these values. The point is they have an extraordinary need for these compared to the securely attached person.
In one of Heidi Priebe's videos (another attachment RUclipsr), she talks about how for a FA person, a loving relationship is like a cozy, warm, SAFE house while outside of that house is a snowstorm. For a securely attached person however, they know that if they have to step outside of that house, they won't freeze to death, so both inside and outside of that house, they will be relatively safe. SA person will of course experience break up pain as well, but yes, not to the extent and unsafety of a FA person. This also means that a FA person will be hypervigilent inside of the relationship to make damn sure that it is safe (this focusing on the partner's flaws... Pushing the other person to grow... A very high need for growth relationships, etc).
That's what I thought too!!! These attachments style videos and quizzes are like reading a copy of Cosmo. There are, however, people who DON'T know how to provide this to their partner, and that partner thinks they're not "secure'.
In my experience, the fearful avoidant does not act in the ways that you say he/she needs from the other. Again, you say the partner has to do most of work to make life comfortable for the FA, but that doesn't work anyway. The FA has to do their own work to heal their own trauma wounds.
Yes, but they need to do it BEFORE jumping into a new relationship with someone else as a neverending escape and not after ruining so many good people's lives and hearts
Great video, You cant blame people for becoming who they are. sometimes life just happens to them. there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. I However learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of a divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it..
your comment is very reasonable and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
I acknowledge the difficulty in letting someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
I think all the people in this comment section who are saying things like “run” and “FA’s want what they can’t provide” need to get a grip and grow up, realise you have a choice. If this type of person is not for you and you don’t want them in your life- that is your choice. An FA is not for everyone. People who are saying “well they need to heal” need to understand that it’s not your decision, you can leave. Even an FA who wants to heal, can’t change in 5 seconds, this healing takes time and it will always be an issue, yes it can be improved but even healed people can struggle again. Some of these comments I am seeing are just screaming how wounded and unhealed a lot of you are. Are you telling me you are perfect too? I’m sure a lot of the people who are writing hideous comments about FA’s are the same people triggering these types of attachment styles. We all need to heal and if you think the FA’s are the only problem then think twice, get off your high horse and read the comments you have left…
@@hellobye4984 People are human, we make mistakes, we struggle… it’s life? Avoidants in general can be like that but I’m sure you must be the most perfect person in the world with no flaws to leave such a comment.
@@jjfae333 exactly. That first line is something most avoidants seem to forget before writing someone off completely! I don’t harp on others flaws, I compromise and communicate… bc that’s what relationships are about. I’m not avoidant. You can struggle but shutting down on your partner and making them feel worthless over very small things that can be communicated is emotional abuse and not something anyone should make excuses for. Seek therapy instead of pointing the finger at others. No one is perfect but at least the rest of us are willing to own up to those flaws and grow with our partners. Are you? If not, I suggest you, and others like you, leave people alone until you’re at that point.
@@hellobye4984 I think you have misunderstood my comments and should reread my first comment. A relationship is a two way connection. Both parties have a role to play. I think blaming one party is entirely wrong. You are harping on about the flaws of an FA so I don’t understand what you are trying to say- but that’s not my point. My point is that everyone is flawed and we should not be holding any superiority. I find your message to be quite hostile and I don’t understand why you feel the need to be that way. My previous message was a reflection point for you as you felt the need to attack an attachment style you don’t understand and think you are better than.
@@jjfae333 babe the whole point of an avoidant attachment style is that they AVOID and do not take accountability for their actions lol. It is practically impossible to work with someone like thatz I’m not saying an anxious attachment style is perfect, but a secure person would be able to work out a little reassurance at least whereas an avoidant person will shut down. Not about blame, but again you are avoidant so you will feel attacked belittled anytime valid criticism and truth is presented to you.
I think it’s extremely hard to be in relationships with fearful avoidants. Like you said, they want the trust and consistency but even if you provide that to them they often can leave you in the dark and run away and you don’t get any of what they also want in return. I think probably a FA that is aware they do this and working on it would be the only one you can date. I dated on that I’m pretty sure had no clue they were FA and it was an emotional rollercoaster for me. Never knowing if they would communicate or not & then suddenly reappear. That is extremely confusing and hard to cope with emotionally. I get this is their protection & how their inner child has been hurt but it can be rough.
@@sydcar44hey, it’s not just that you did these things that they sake for, but, it really stems from inconsistencies they noticed from you at some point in the relationship. I hate to say it but it’s not a lot of wiggle room with FA’s. Either you’re 100% honest or you’re a liar in their eyes. Even if it’s a white lie. They are EXTREMELY in tuned with discrepancies and lies. If you don’t keep it real even one time it could be a deal breaker. So to you it might seem like you did the most but any info you left out or omitted they will know.
I was consistent, and he should have thought I was safe (he was not at all protective or safe with my feelings though). I was always kind, took care of him when he was hurt, was always going to his house where he was most comfortable, was a good listener... but he still treated me like I wasn't safe. I think he only thought I was unsafe because I kept trying to set a boundary about him respecting my time, which he consistently wasn't doing I ended up breaking up with him because of that issue. It was literally the only thing I was asking of him and it was really important to me but he would just shrug and say that's just the way he is Now he's literally making stuff up to blame me for the breakup. He said I gave him an ultimatum too early in the relationship (as if later ultimatums are ok?). I never gave him an ultimatum, I'm not an ultimatum person. I explained to him why I needed him to respect my time and how it was messing up my schedule, planning, etc... when he didn't. I talked to him about it 4 times but never said anything threatening like "if you don't do this I'm going to leave you". I left because he clearly didn't care about my needs period
I gave it all to him. Not one thing as a secure attachment person I did not provide. This list seems like what a secure attachment would want also. The push and pull FA people give is asking a bit much of me personally, friendship is now my aim, he's too problematic but I do love him dearly.
@@LukearthwalkerSounds like a DA whose need for distance is better met now, so they have room for positive feelings about you and your friendship. Sometimes it's shocking, on how little actual contact they 'thrive' best. Not the depth that an FA is looking for, that's for sure!
@@Lukearthwalker if you're a secure attachment person, just leave her alone. FA people are too problematic for us, and I've learned they lose their appeal as partners very quickly for the secure attachment people anyway. I honestly think these people with attachment issues should not date and leave people in peace.
@@anitawieman3900 Good read, she is a DA. Shocking is right and I couldn't say she's thriving at the moment but she won't let me in even a little bit so she's on her own I suppose.
@@Lukearthwalker 😑 she's a problem, be done with her. I'm so sorry you're going through this.Me, this friendship is going to end up one-sided as I'm not really here to maintain it, or babysit and if he doesn't maintain it then I'm not bothered. FA people are just not for me or anyone, they really need to date each other and play their games or don't date at all until they really work on themselves as they don't make good romantic partners and I'm sure they know it. These people create more avoidant people but, I missed that bullet I realised who and what the problem is and know I can do better now I know better.😗
Wow you have described me to the T. I definitely knew I always needed trust, consistency and security. Without it I had one foot in and one foot out until I finally left. All of these are me it’s amazing. This is why I believe in these attachments.
In order to receive trust, you must give trust...It means answering the phone and messages to your lover or potencial lover when it trying to communicate....!!!! Don't let the other person 2 days or 1 week thinking what happened ..tell them how you feel so the other one at least can undertand...otherwise you will hurt exactly the person who loves you and you will atract the ones who don't love you ....One day your parents will no longer be alive or you may see yourself alone in the hospital....you will need a partner as an emotional support during difficult times and you must learn how to give support as well !!!! .... 🙏❤
@@macioanasava.official5084 Everyone has to earn full trust. Everyone gives little by little. I have given trust fully and would end up correct in the end of what I felt in the beginning. I trust close loved ones and was married 30 years because my husband moved in ways that didn’t gave consistency and security. I definitely want to work on the things FA need to work on, but if I am alone in the end for any reason, that’s okay. I will not be desperate to keep a relationship to say I have someone. The last man I was with was DA and it was so much up and down and so much not knowing and questioning my own reality. I didn’t know these attachment styles until I finally walked away 11 months ago from 2 years in that relationship and so happy I did. I am learning now and healing my broken heart. So no I do not break hearts, but I do pick toxic men after my ex husband. I am doing the work for me and if relationship comes along, more blessings.
Yes the problem is that FA we hope for people to crack on this behavior so we don’t have to invest, we usually look for people to fail so we can keep our intimacy, deep feeling etcc to ourselves, if we find this person with all this qualities we know we have to become vulnerable in every way.
I think secure people want this whole list too because my view is secure and FA are similar but FA is less trusting of others as a baseline. I think everyone wants a few of the survival based points like safety and trust, but truly there are people who have no ability to feel or desire passion, novelty, growth or emotional depth. Likewise there are people who truly do not want independence or freedom because they can not care for or entertain themselves.
I think with secure people, they're willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, while with FAs you need to be very very consistent or they're gone 😊
@@superl349 In that case, is there a point you reach when you feel like opening up? Or do you just not date in general? (for reference my crush is likely a FA, idk what to do here)
I think all of us have needs and each of us need 1- tell out partner are needs and 2- make sure they tell you their needs. It took me forever to get my wife to tell me her needs and once she did it became up to me to meet them the best I can and she meet mine the best she can. A lot of compromise and safety and validation of feelings and thoughts I’m finding are key to at least my marriage. I’ve been w/my wife 18 yrs and married 15 yrs. Thank you Thais
This video is life changing for me! It gave me a deeper understanding of own my needs. I've gone so long thinking I'm asking for too much. This video made me do some reflection. I think the disconnection is my ability to convey what it is that I am seeking.
I am/ was a FA and was unaware. Once I realized, I immediately sought therapy. It is a challenge but definitely doable. Most important catalyst for me was knowing that it is behavioral and behaviors can change. My progress has been fast and really lowered my fears. Taking gaba and cortisol calm has helped settle my anxiety.
This is good insight to my FA friend. She's always bugging me to "open up" but can never articulate what she wants to know. After all, I've already told her everything. 🤷🏿♂️
They’re like cats 🐈 … hey I’m back .pet me.prrrrrrr.. okay stop now.. okay that’s enough… okay I said , okay I sed that’s enough nowwwww! And I freakin love cats
Wow, spot on for me. My biggest contradiction is need for security (I created my own stability as a priority in life) yet huge drive for freedom & adventure (work in travel, committed to life-long learning). Thought it was just me! Can starkly see why the dismissive love interest won't work, no matter the passion!
Yes. But just because this is what someone NEEDS, doesn’t mean they will be attracted to you because you provide these things. I feel like FAs tend to always search for greener pastures 😢
Yes this is unfortunately true. Consciously the FA thinks this situation is not good enough and they can do better, even if slightly better. But subconsciously, they don't think they genuinely deserve this level of love and kindness.
@@SmallBobby doesn’t bother me. I know women are going to want the best “deal” they can get. No hate. I just know the woman that wants to be kept by me is going to see the value I provide and recently I shifted my mentality. That it’s her issue, not mine.
YES to all of this. I left because of lack of consideration, consistency, safety, or depth in conversation. No growth after almost a year..what’s the point?? No conflicts were discussed in depth, just pushed under the carpet, fault on both sides. I was mute a lot, he was gone a lot for work, and in off time would prioritize his friends over me. Different stages in life although one year apart in age.
Yeah… I gave all of that to him. The whole list was provided. That is why our relationship was the longest he ever had… and he still broke up with me. Because “he is not ready to move in together after 2 years of relationship, and logically you are supposed to be ready after all this time”. 🤷🏼♀️ they just really need their alone time and living together feels like threat to that. He told me his biggest fear was ending up alone - cause he knows that he isn’t capable of that, but still wants one. Sad. Devastating…and cruel to a loving partner who did provide everything on the list.. they grow resentment on you for every little thing as a defense mechanism…how do you like the issue… I was gently kissing his back in the morning when he was still trying to sleep… what an awful girlfriend… couldn’t read his mind that day so he broke up with me that very same night! Kissing was the last drop so to say…
I definitely understand the affection and him leaving. It majes you feel like there is something wrong with you. I moved in with my girlfriend 3 years ago I finally got her to unpack about 6 months ago and it was a fight. I get next to no affection and when I bring it up she blaim shifts. It has now got to the point I don't even feel like giving her affection. I feel like after getting growled at and bit by a dog 10 times I don't want to pet it anymore. She has literally pushed me away. When I have enough, shut down and leave she then seems like she wants the relationship. I have asked her multiple to go to counseling and I completely shut off last week and I was on my way out. I then got a text message her asking to go counseling. So I am going, if she didn't reach out I was and am in the process of making a back up plan and getting out. I hope this works but she needs to do the work I feel like have enough knowledge of relationships and personality disorders that I could start my own channel. I might add I am aware of my anxious attachment style and I have done a lot of work on myself in the last 6 years I 100% know I have certain traits and trama that do trigger her but without communication I can only guess. I hope you find sombody in the future that give you the felling I personaly don't believe a avoident is capable of. It's like your alone with them and alone without.
I'll never live with anyone ever again (by choice) I value my space and my freedom way too much. Anyone that dates me will know that from the beginning. I don't believe in relationship anarchy.
Lie detectors 😂 yep.. I do that. Won’t say anything until it’s overwhelming. And consideration..yes! Presence..yes!!!!!!! Lack of triggers abandonment and trust wounds. Growth is a huge one, I wanted to and my ex avoided it..how can a future be successful if one person keeps their head in the sand?
Lie detectors? Help me understand why an FA would be so consistently deceptive, withholding of truth and outright lie? Are they great liars because they detect lies so well?
See...these are all needs of any healthy relationship. In my experience, if you actually provide all of these to an FA, they run for the hills...because "safety" actually reads as "what I'm used to," and that's invariably someone who doesn't meet these needs.
@@Elle10033 That has not seemed to make a difference in my experience. Fear of intimacy doesn't seem to benefit from more reliable intimacy. It needs therapy.
I’m a healing FA and this video is completely accurate for me. There are things that I couldn’t pinpoint about why I am the way I am but this video makes me feel so seen and validated. I look back on previous relationships and realize why I ended them or even sabotaged them. The betrayal wound is the most prominent for me and any incongruence will completely turn me off.
I agree. It seems to me that showing up as a healthy partner and largely meeting all of these needs causes the FA to panic, end/sabotage the relationship, and disappear. It’s that fear of intimacy with a healthy partner which causes them to worry they won’t live up to expectations or meet their partner’s needs. That has been my experience.
Yes it's normal for a fearful avoidant to run, hang up, yell? ...maybe yes, because of a lack of personal insight or good communication skills. That's what I've always done.
Thais, do Fearful Avoidants suddenly lose feelings once you have said the L word? Even if they said it first? I know you’ve done a ton of videos but Idk if I’ve seen one covering this topic. Thanks P.S. the person was an ex but we reconnected. Will time and space allow her and I to move on or will they question their decision to not pursue a relationship again after all?
Seems like a case of the "avoidant flip". Look it up and stay ready for it. It comes out of nowhere and causes maximum pain. They do it again and again till you walk away. Then they blame you and stalk your socials 🙄
@@GSXR750wx I’ll check it out. Yeah she still pays attention to my social media. I however don’t reciprocate. Muted her etc. Idgaf what she’s doing or who she’s with if it isn’t me.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life Brings a tear to my eye. Now would you say you were in love with him, or just that you had loving feelings? What you described perfectly matches what happened to me. It wasn’t the whole day but we got into pretty deep conversation and she ended up telling me she loved me. But then the next day she calls me up saying that she fear it won’t end well, just like last time. She did remain in contact with me but she always had an excuse to why she couldn’t do something with me. I’m not satisfied with a texting buddy, thanks but no thanks. I don’t get how you can’t date someone you’re in love with… isn’t that the point??? From my understanding it’s that you fear relationships will all end, and that the closer you are to someone and the deeper the love, the more pain will inevitably ensue. I just wonder if she really loves me, because that would be heinous to tell someone that when you don’t. I tried to keep it casual and cool, watching her stories, messaging her now and then (nothing serious, just catching up or small talk), liking her posts, etc. because I unconditionally love her. But I’ve since stopped doing any of that because I feel like it just won’t matter. I just don’t get it. Truly painful as the other person. Also, addendum, but when you said that you realized spending that time with him would grow your feelings (which you didn’t want), that seems like the case. Wanting to hang out because you enjoy it, but also realizing that those feelings growing is a bad thing, so you decide to not spend time with him.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life very interesting. Thank you so so much for sharing that with me. I’ve done a lot of reading, trying to understand this attachment and how it’s been described as a living hell. It totally makes sense l, though. Some days I wish I never loved her, because I’ll think of her constantly, and maybe if I guarded myself more, I wouldn’t feel this way. It sounds like what you’re describing is that when you become enveloped in this deep love, you almost become obsessed. And that’s never healthy for you: makes it hard to function. It also causes anxiety, which I’ve observed in her. If I didn’t text back quickly enough she would get worried and sometimes totally withdraw when I did eventually. I mean, we discussed having children and that stuff. Really messed with my head. What you said about never loving someone as much as you loved your dad, she said something similar. She told me that she never liked someone as much, and ofc she danced around the L word as usual. But she did eventually tell me that. It was hard to comprehend at first, how someone could feel that way but then avoid you like the freaking plague. I didn’t know whether to fight harder and drop my ego and pride and just go after her, or to give up and let her decide to make that next step. I chose the latter, and I’m still unsure if it’s the right decision. At this point, honestly, I’m leaving it in the Creator’s hands. If it’s meant to be it will be, but I’m not banking on it. And from what you told me, I’m probably right.
@SunshineAndSnowflakes such a sad account of your life. Please look up Richard Schwartz's "Internal Family System." The child who lost her father and became devastated needs to be lovingly told that you are old and strong enough NOW and can handle heartbreak, something you couldn't do as a child and your internal protectors took over your life. Do you overthink, worry, and fear as well?
FA here. Nodded the entire video. Funny thing is, "safety" was the first word I said going into your video. Guess I'm getting more aware as years go by and experiences tell me who I am and what I need. Feels good when someone really gets you. But you were one yourself so there's that 😉
For me appreciation is really important, but to some extend. If the person is telling me that they're lucky, they love everything about me and It's just sweet words all the time I feel like it's so untrue and not really genuine. I remember how my ex used to tell me how happy he was because our relationship is so great and our love is so great. I felt more scared than appreciated because it doesn't sound...real?
This lady describes me to a T, I am not needy but I do need regular assurance, return text when in a timely manner, do what you said you were gonna do. For example, if a guy say I think we should take dance lessons next month, I pay attention if he had the intention of doing that, if the month passes then I feel relax bc he’s just one of the million others out there and I don’t feel like I have to make an effort, I know is gonna end soon and start backing out slowly, but if a guy is very consistent does exactly what he says, returns text fast and keeps regular contacts even when traveling, I mean just a text or two, I become afraid because I know I’m gonna have to invest in this guy, and I know I have to adjust my life bc that kind guy likes to be a priority in my life,. I haven’t found a guy like this for years so I’m usually walking around very relax.
All of these things that you have listed are things that the FA I was dealing with could not even do themselves and of course when I pointed it out it was taken as an attack.
I feel better now, after listening to this. I feel understood. I've spent most of my life feeling like I was asking for "too much" and so I settled for so much less, and tried to make it work. Then, felt like a failure when it fell apart. Is it really possible to get all of my needs met with one partner? Probably not with a dismissive avoidant though!
Great video, as always, but I'm a bit confused -- what would the difference between growth vs emotional connection be in a relationship? Because I always thought of relationship growth as happening *through* emotional connection. So are you using the term "growth" to mean something other than that? It might be helpful to do a video clarifying the relationship/distinction between those two things.
Emotional connection can give growth but can also happen in the now without growth, development. And growth may happen in solitude or with help of books, lectures or casual connection in some classroom or even individual lesson. Doesn't require em. conn. at all.
Can't be easy to be in a committed relationship with someone who is just comfortable with not seeking out new knowledge or lacks any sense of adventure, or doesn't want to see new places etc.
My ex twice over feels like he needs to protect his mother because he has witnessed her being mistreated by so many abusive boyfriends. He is an addict & so is his mother & she enables his addiction.
I'm an AF, could you maybe also make a video on how to regulating myself and stop thinking that the grass is greener with someone else, that we'd be a better fit and it would be more exciting and I wouldn't get angry at parts of him that Im struggling to accept, because they are so different from mine? I would be so so greatful! Love and appreciate so much what you do! I finally feel understood! ❤
The trust example about cancelling a trip (after I had already paid deposits and bought the airfare) actually hapenned to me 3x with a DA. I'm a former FA Secure. This DA relationship really pokes at my core wounds.
I wish I had known this a couple of years ago. I lost a very good friend because our attachment styles were in conflict. I reacted exactly the wrong way and we ended up not speaking to each other. 😢
Aren’t these traits we all need and are crucial for a healthy relationship?? I’m a strong FA and now I wish I find another FA so we can have/do all of the mentioned together!
Ya and after you put in the time and they feel better they leave you. My personal experience.. they will feel bad, they will say they will always love you.. and that it’s over
We started out very casual, after a few weeks I started to catch feelings and told her I didn’t want to have just a fling anymore. She told me she didn’t want me to end it and that she saw us still being together in 6 months and so I agreed to continue. Over the next 2 months I really fell for her, everything seemed perfect. One day I decided to tell her I really cared about her and was falling in love with her. Then I asked her to “consider the possibility of whether she would ever want to be with me in a meaningful way one day such as marriage or kids”…she pushed me away super fast and I’ve been in no contact for 3 weeks now. I didn’t feel like that was a big ask but apparently now I can see that was a major mistake. Who knew telling someone you were falling in love with them was a red flag. I spent 3 weeks crying over her every day and now I don’t think I’d want to get back with her after watching all these videos. I feel so bad for her but I know she will never accept my love because she wants someone who doesn’t actually care about her
I have learnt that the avoidant is not the best to be around when one wants comfort and that’s hard but it’s harder when they turn cold so best to seek another resource. And they don’t need much comfort because they don’t feel much anyway. If this can be accepted then the rest becomes easier.
This is the worst. Can't even get "yes" or "no" from them. On top of that, it's impossible to know when they will eventually crawl out of their shell, it might be 3 days, a week, a month if ever. The feeling of uncertainty is what makes it the worst.
Everyone that thinks this sounds like a typical stabel relationship isint truly listning to HOW deep or HOW heavy the trust and safety/consideration of emotions and body safety issues are. Its extra on top unforgently...think stable but you need to like work on it even longer and more often and eventually they will calm down as long as everything is consistent. But yes if it becomes too consistent they could get bored and thats why you need to be an open person that likes to talk and do new stuff. Dont just sit in your old scruffy summer cottage every summer for 2-4 months and eat the same food all the time. They need intelligent stimuli. Think ADD on emotional stability.
I know I have an attachment problem but I don't think I fit neatly into any of the types. Are there other categories that don't fit into any of these boxes?
I am pretty sure my ex was an FA. I thought he had DA tendencies, but I think I was wrong. When we took space (due to some difficulties he was going through) I became quite cold in the interaction (as a means of not overwhelming him). We ended up breaking up last week. I think me pulling away the affection (apparently), it made him detach more. I think I was anxiously attached in this relationship, and I really failed in the last few weeks to communicate my feelings.
I thought that I'm just anxious type, but this video matches me too well... Especially parts with trust and feeling like I don't matter while there's bit of presence and then none at all for some time, or when I'm with DA gf and her friend/friends and almost her entire attention is only there, I kinda feel in a way like I'm a 3rd wheel and a bit like betrayed in a way. Sometimes communication is just so weird that I just get lost and I don't know what to think anymore, like I don't even know if I'm loved back still, and slightly afraid to ask about it cause maybe I'd be needy. In that kind of situation I feel lack of safety I think, tho it's sometimes bit difficult to really name things like that or my needs if I were to explain them. Thanks, I usually learn something new from those videos.
My first relationship, I think we were, was both FA. I felt like I needed to flee because there was a point where he pulled away for a whole month. He did get close again, but in my mind, I couldn't let it go, so I messed the relationship up. Now, I stay way too long in relationships. I think I'm scared to leave because the feeling of the first relationship ending was not pleasant.
Kind of disagree. I dated a fearful avoidand and I gave her emotional, intimate and psychical safety. And that's the thing that drove her away. The pattern in her past relationships is with toxic and abusive and unfaithful partners. Another very good coach I follow on RUclips says that avoidants actually subconsciously prefer toxic relationships (at first) because generally toxic partners are generally emotionally unavailable. And that makes the avoidant feel safe. Because they don't need to emotionally commit. I really did appreciate my partner and I did love her and i think that's what scared her. Because when she broke up with me. It was out of the blue. Typical avoidant behavior. And she didn't really offer any real reasons it was all the "its not you it's me stuff" etc. It might honestly be one of the shortest relationships she was in yet she's spent months and years of her life in the past with terrible abusive and toxic partners.
Fearful avoidants and relationships are a losing battle...they have so much personal work to do...and getting too close causes them to have claustrophobia. They need their space.
Fearful Avoidance people are problematic with a capital P. As a secure attachment person I watch these videos and really wish my FA connection never disturbed my peace with their confused sense of being. Yet, I watch this videos to see how I can be a friend to him, as for me that's all that's on offer these days. These videos really help me to discern my next partner, as a secure attachment style I want to stop 🛑 attracting the Aviodant people in a major way.
You said you are secure but are so judgmental. Does not sound like a secure attachment style to me. You propping yourself up while beating another down, that’s far from being secure but more projecting.
@@justme9514 with all due respect I doubt you are secure. Hurt yes, secure not yet. I don’t know you personally and do not say this from a malicious place. Healing will change your mindset and approach. I know being honest with self is a life changer.
I'm tired of watching videos about partners with special needs. Just give me someone who can manage the relationship with me, together as a unit. I've had a few avoidant partners and hope never to have one again.
Actually FA, we’re pretty good, the thing is that if we find a crack on any of this trades, loyalty, honesty, etc.. if we find a crack we become hot and cold, bc we may love someone be super attracted to someone, but we can’t give too much because we can’t trust 100%. I’m a FA, is hard to find someone for a long term relationship bc I haven’t come across someone really honest, with intention, loyal, etc, for example if someone said something and doesn’t follow through I won’t called them out but that’s already proof that I can’t trust them with my feelings, so I do feel safe bc I know how much of me to give.
@@superl349 The rub, though, is that you (general not specific) can't ever trust anyone 100%. No one is perfect. No one is without deficiencies. Nobody is 100% compatible with us. So, there will always be some measure of doubt in relationships with people, and that goes in secure relationships too! Obviously, you must vet people to be reasonably sure, but NO ONE is capable of meeting all needs and without flaws. The trick is learning to live with the ambiguity - to learn that even good people will make mistakes, have different expectations and different life experiences, and interpret situations differently. The point is not to find someone you can trust 100% but to learn to find where the benefit of the doubt is warranted. Example: my wife is wonderful. But, we are very different. We process things very differently to the point where when we are both very stressed (like during a move), communication can break down entirely. So, we don't try to push it. We focus on giving each other the benefit of the doubt until the stress is over. THEN we talk. But, we have to actually talk. Otherwise, we will hurt each other without meaning to over and over again in our marriage because, well, we are different people! Trauma makes it really easy to understand extremes - the POS person and the perfect one. But, most people exist in the middle. Most are well meaning but deficient in a way that, with the right glasses, will always make them look worse (or better) than they are. The only way to know the difference, though, about who we can best trust is through time and emotional vulnerability, and neither of those is easy for anyone but especially for those of us with trauma.
In my experience, Braun, a fearful avoidant will get anxious and when you give them too much space (when they haven’t asked for it) subconsciously, as in not as a manipulation tactic but more of like “pumping the brakes, they will chase you. Dismissive Avoidants don’t tend to chase in that situation. Think of FA as a mix of anxious and dismissive.
Eeehm, I identified myself as an anxiously attached person. But this video your description of fearful avoidant is literally a description of me. What does this mean? Can i be both? Or anxious people can have all these traits?
Me too. But I have read somewhere that FAs are also referred to as the disorganized attachment style in which the individual is anxious and avoidant depending on the circumstances. I find it to be true.
They are looking for drama because peace is terrifying to them. They believe if you are calm then they are about to be abandoned so they cause problems causing you to leave validating their fear of not being good enough to deserve love. You cant fix or change them.
You actually can fix them (to a certain extent), the problem is that they need to reciprocate the effort. Most of them are just too used to their zone of comfort to do so. It takes willpower.
@AugustSchroif you cant fix other people. You need to stop telling other people how they should live and then being critical of them when they dont live up to your expectations
@bluesneakers ya know what, fake it till you make it my friend. Practice secure behavior and habits even when you dont feel it. You'll reprogram your nervous system, develop emotional regulation, gain confidence and become secure
@@mathews0618 I think I have some FA traits, but I wasnt always like this. So I know I can do better. I think when you meet the right person, something clicks. In this new relationship, I have been doing that. Its slow progress, but I am committed to it. Not just for the relationship, but for my social interactions in general. Thanks for your response.
Hahahahaha summarised the last 5 years of my life! But also if they randomly dump you and disappear for a month..... suffer alone in silence so you don't push them further away. I mean...... it's just so much fun 😁
No disrespect, I am here to learn how to make my relationship with a FA thrive. But when you talk about Trust, they need consistency in action and words, it is a bit false. The more you do that, the more they feel smothered. They do have anxiety but the real sad part is that they expect their needs to be met without actually having the willingness to volunteer information and communicate regularly. So it makes the job of their partner 3x harder. I also want to know that if they say they will do something they actually will and sadly they regularly fail at this but they want us to do it? This logic is completely mind boggling.
I am gonna translate this to english: "they [FA] want someone to be available for them when THEY want it, but they are not gonna be available themselves".
@AugustSchroif Boom exactly. Here's the latest: After having exchanges with FAs on this video, and reading other FA comments it turned me off of the man I met even more. Meanwhile; Two weeks ago : " I need space" the FA tells me out of the blue. I've done nothing to trigger him. Guess what, I gave him space and started to side - eye his behaviour again. But left him to it while I educated myself on this behaviour. Monday this week: he blocked me, for no reason mind you. Wednesday (today) He unblocked me and sent a message: " just because I'm not talking to you does not mean I'm not thinking about you." It turned my stomach. Me: take all the time and space you need, I'm okay with it. Bottom line, I'm done. I realised after learning about attachment style just two week's ago when I started to side eye him and his behaviour, this is unfulfilling for me and will always be, I want to move on, and friendship is all I can offer. Now after listening to the videos, reading a book on attachment styles then realising I'm naturally a secure this is why I'm so turned off!! but don't get anxious or react I just want out!! It's a hard pass. I hope I don't trigger him by just leaving the space he asked for , I'm not trying to reconcile, and I'm not about to chase, I don't see it as worth it, I don't think I've missed the boat my soul mate and correct partner who knows how to relationship is out there as a grown woman they games are not attractive. I've had empathy, care, considered his feelings and done everything " his way" now I know about FA style and all toxic styles ain't no way I'm being turned into one by staying. I've gotta go. I wish you so much luck 🍀 with whatever has brought you to this video. If you are a SA style person don't Risk losing it for an FA that has not done the work, or is willing too. To all FAs reading this, do the work, don't disturb people's peace with your behaviour. This is how an SA may react, real life footage! They side step, even this creator of the video has already said it.
First of all Fearful Avoidant needs to understand they need a Therapy and they are not allowed to Start a Family give birth to kids and then Run off just because they have this attachment style, Secondly If you still not yet Secure in your attachment do not wast my Time Life and resources for your delusional games. And lastly Needs is something they focus on but it's that what they need to get over it. Working on them self and being at least Aware of they on patterns. So the Other humans can get along with them easily.
@@aigo000t I hear everything you're saying, but personally I'd just slip away from any FA person, if you know you don't want what they come with. That's my learning curve and advice for anyone secure dealing with any avoidant but especially an FA ‼️
@@aigo000t I'm fine and very secure, it's you guys that are not and a good dose of therapy is what you FA people and all avoidant people need. I said what I said you're problematic and I am a secure person fed up with the BS. Like the woman said in this video it is unlikely we will stick around and date avoidant people this is where I'm at 🚫
@@aigo000t I'm totally secure ,but like this lady said I'm one of the secure people who find FA traits unattractive so I leave it alone as I see it as problematic. SA people can deal with any avoidant like she said, but just because we can does not mean we should, some won't .... Like me. You need to work on yourself and stop disturbing people's peace, FA people like I said are problematic and create more of you guys so to avoid it some of us leave it well alone... That would be me again.
@@aigo000t sweet heart, how is anything I say a "smear campaign" ? Let us look at the facts. 1. can FAs have relationships...no, not really because of their behaviour turns people off eventually. 2.can FAs date people without being problematic...no, as their behaviour is problematic. 3.can FAs regulate themselves and be the things THEY say they want, like what this woman says in the video... Hell no, because of their behaviour. 4. Do they make good romantic partners... that's obviously a no. So how is it prejudice or a "smear campaign " when FA people prove themselves to be problematic and show who they really are?? Their behaviour is what exposes them as problematic, not anyone who dates you or anything I say. These videos this woman makes expose FAs as problematic. One of the traits of a FA is a 'distorted view' on relationships, and also making up their own stories on how things go, which this lady has also stated in previous videos and it seems to me you're consistent with this statement she's made. Your story is " it's not the FA's fault , it's the other person" This is because half the time a FA doesn't even know what it is they are clearly thinking or feeling and the best place is therapy to fix that, and to not disturb other people's lives with their behaviour until they are fully healed. I'm here taking notes from this lady's videos that's all, so that I can spot the red flags in anyone I meet next, and know they are a hard pass for me based on their behaviour which they show. I've become so indifferent to FAs now and stick to what's been shown to me time and time again. I don't even react to the BS, I live my life but they don't leave me alone even after saying " look all I have for you is a friendship, I want to find the right person " You take care of those wounds you have so you can make a good partner to someone one day. I'm out from this discussion with you personally as it's not beneficial to either of us, just like I'm out from the FA I met. I'll just keep taking notes on the videos ‼️
Just be clingy and affectionate and a little crazy, don't let em run ..but lets be serious who will do anything a fearful avoident needs .. its too much jus find a narcissist that's what everyone ends up with anyway
My question is after watching so many videos on fearful avoidance because I just got out of a relationship with 1 who in the fuck would want to date these people. They literally are assholes like their defense mechanism is to be an asshole who would want to date that I was very distraught over the end of this relationshipuntil watching so many videos and understanding the psychology no thank you have a nice life thinking you’re the center of the universe I will pass
Everyone is different. There is a spectrum. FWB means they still are attached to you and miss the physical aspects but don’t want to get too intimate. I WISH I was in that same situation. My FA ex and I got physical and the next day she told me she loved me, but then said if we hung out again it wouldn’t be romantic. She tried to friendzone me and I thought maybe it was a test or that maybe she wasn’t sure about if we should pursue a relationship again for x y z reasons. The heart of the FA lies in fear. I really really envy you. Not gonna lie. If you play it right, your FWB situation will likely lead to a relationship. Lucky you.
@@Gbb93I really dont think either situation is a win imo, I feel directness is the best way even if it risks pushing away theyll have to eventually confront the options and chose what they really value.
@@Gbb93There may be some confusion. She said that our relationship ticked the physical, emotional, and intellectual boxes, but she didn't want to give up having FWB stuff with another guy. It's kinda hard to build trust in such a situation, especially when she readily admitted that the FWB guy didn't give anything to the level we had, but what he did offer was a lack of commitment. It was a self-sabotaging act I think to prevent her from getting into a relationship, because that terrified her.
Have you had any personal experience like this with fearful avoidant before? What was your experience like?
Hi Thais, would you please explain how external events such as financial issues, family issues of avoidants can affect the relationship? My relationship with my ex has been on the downfall once he had all those issues, including losing his apartment..
If a person is “secretly looking” for anything in a relationship they are a toxic child. Stay away from people who frame mental illness as “attachment styles”. You deserve an adult who says what they desire.
All of these “attachment styles” like Fearful Avoidants are just Cluster B personality disorders reframed so that these people can cope and remain toxic instead of doing the work. Attachment styles are the astrology of psychology.
It was awful. I also started questioning his sexuality considering the lack of intimacy even though he loved 'talking' about it but no action.
What is the link to the video pls?
Thais ,at the momentI cant book a session, I have financial issues. So pls reply to my long msg if can. Im hoping to put my bf (if he come back to reconnect ) to Ur healing course for FA, I will do for AP after that. My loving FA bf & I loved since 2022 with push pull, on off patterns. He has BPD traits too I think, he is addicted to porn too.
1st 3 months we had a beautiful love, he was sensitive understanding to me, never hurt me, he shared his love in his personal social media publicly & communicated tru social media status (not straight chats) , his best friends helped us , even though we had differences (he is younger than me), we r in 2 religions .
Everytime he brokeup for fear of commitment , too much intimacy , for triggering him (Im AP) unknowingly ,he always came back to me within a month in my NC after I started to giveup on him.
When Im absent (not seen), when I disappear he gets so afraid ,his love for me increase , he reaches out with genuine regret, deep love , sensitive way. But when we r in love /everything is good in our relationship ,when he sees me often or chat regularly ,his love + attraction goes on-off ,he gets bored as I understood. He doesnt like msgs (to read or text much) , to talk emotional, who we r or commitment stuff, to b available in chat daily or call + meet me personally other than college .
He came back in Oct-Nov 2023 after our September breakup ,to our college. We had an event in Oct-Nov. He celebrated our 1st year love Anniversary , my bday ,we met in same event in the previous year. He remembers all. I was hurt 1st, but then I showed my love by eye contact & smiles as he did, replied when he spoke for other things.
But I was afraid to msg him , he was too bcos he treated me badly in Sep. He was expecting my msgs, to reconnect ,he was joyful , in love till Dec. In Dec I just liked a twitter , it says "Every end is a new beginning" , following day he started a rebound wit a classmate, bcos he assumed I ended our love & rejected him. Bcos he is handsome lot of girls like him. He shared profiles wit the date. In vain I shared it :(
When we 1st seperated after he left our college he was in deep pain ,he posted his sad photos , status how much he missing me & sad songs.
So in last July also he went to a rebound I assume (not sure) while we r in love, bcos after that we cannot meet often in college , its to cope with the loss of me & also like BPD on -off love. But it only lasted 2 ,3 weeks. Then he started chatting with me ,it was like FWB, but we both were in love & we feeling mo intimacy some days - then few hours or days he suddenly take space (disappear) , but he always sent❤️s, 🤗 to me & said he doesnt have a gf. But I triggered pressurized him beyond limits not knowing abt Attachment styles. Then he became aggressive , toxic too, he said he cant marry me, he should have a different gf. Then I cried a lot ,he knows I cried. Then we brokeup that month. But he regreted so & came back with so much love. Then only he felt rejected & went to this rebound.
So again to Dec 2023, he started this rebound, to show /hurt me, as a distraction bcos he loved me so madly, may b he hasnt done as that wit others, I always understand him, love care for him differently than her parents/ mom. I dont expect him to b perfect in all, I say it to him often & compliment his good side, he feels so contended , happy for that. But his mom always want everything in his & bro's life perfect, she is so strict, too controlling , pressurizing even she loves the sons, he is very scared of mom.. So in Jan 2024 I msgd him 4 times to explain the truth ,that I was afraid to msg + I didnt leave him, wished him ,etc. He was calm, showed he wont get angry if I msg anytime, he sent my bday video he took, put 👍 s. But until now he didnt msg or chat.
Then I went NC since Feb 2024, didnt use any social media or my WA even bcos he has hacked my WA & still checking my msgs & all A/Cs bcos he still cant bear when Im absent with NC. I slowly started a new WA for my closest friends in a fake name. Then 1 friend has shared it in a group ,my bf has read it & given the WA No. to his best friend to msg me to my new WA, I didnt reply. As its an indirect reach, then my bf came to see me to our college 3 days ago to see me, (we had abmn event) he was looking away ,but secretly looking at me, I saw he was staring when a guy was too closely talking to me, he is afraid for that too it seems. I was hurt & vanished to 4th floor ,I thought to wait there til he leaves. But before he left he came to 4th floor understanding Im hurt , upset & had eye contacts purposely walking around me few times. That time too that other guy was sitting next to me, but I dont love that guy.
My bf is still afraid to lose me, my love, he wont let me leave him this time too as I understand. Thais Y he does as these? Is it bcos he doesnt love the rebound , but still loves me genuinely? But Y this time (now it 3 & a half months) he wont leave the rebound , remove photos wit her & come back to me fully, msg me to reconnect? Y is it had for him? 💔😢 I need to marry him end of 2024, I lost my family in my very young age, Im an orphan. I feel to die, I cry daily after he came last week to see me ,as I miss him, love him.
But I heard u say ,when a FA reaches out if they feel we rejected them they'll shut down more so deeply & FA's rebound always fail quickly than other Attachment styles, wont last as its just to avoid pain, loss (distract) .
Actually I was not 100% healed when he reached out in Oct-Dec. I msgd & explained all truth in January , he trust my love, my words so much. But sometimes he has told me his mom is suspicious of him & he is suspicious of me too in some small things. He has clear childhood traumas, I have told him & said I pray for him ,he has sent 👍 to it.
He meets this rebound weekly in class I assume. But we wont meet daily or often as in past, rarely in college only. He left college last year. But we did chats, video calls. Now no chats too. We have events in college again in Oct-Nov. Is it a reason he keeps the rebound still or is it still relief / novelty stage ,not power struggle stage? When (month) is power struggle stage starts?
Is it Ok to share Attachment style ,FA videos on my social media, is it breaking NC? What should I do now? Until he leave the rebound I cant msg him or send him the gift I took longtime ago. I need him back...! :(
1. Emotional depth. Hearing another open up and ask FA deep questions.
2. Trust. Congruency.
Consistency. Consideration.
3. Presence.
4. Safety. Consistent. Stable. Reliable.
5. Passion. Connection. Chemistry.
6. Novelty. New discussions, places, activities…
7. Growing together. Deeper conversations. Needs or opinions as they change over time.
8. Freedom.
9. Independence- time together and time apart.
10. Feel appreciated.
Damn shame that unhealed FA’s are incapable of reciprocating those things consistently.
💯 Accurate. Every single one.
Yet, they cannot provide this for their partners.
@@marioct130are you communicating your expectations and communicating them appropriately and not begrudgingly. Your response tells me you may be passive aggressive and that does not work with most people let alone a FA. Instead of being resentful introspect. No one is perfect and it could be the FA you met you were just not compatible.
I’d like to meet a partner (or ex) that received these consistently from an FA.
Emotional depth, trust, presence, safety, passion, novelty, freedom, growth...Any healthy adult desires all of these components to a relationship. However, given the FA attachment style and kinds of childhood experiences, I can see the context for each of these values. The point is they have an extraordinary need for these compared to the securely attached person.
The more you give them those things, the sooner they decide they're in too deep and dump you
In one of Heidi Priebe's videos (another attachment RUclipsr), she talks about how for a FA person, a loving relationship is like a cozy, warm, SAFE house while outside of that house is a snowstorm. For a securely attached person however, they know that if they have to step outside of that house, they won't freeze to death, so both inside and outside of that house, they will be relatively safe. SA person will of course experience break up pain as well, but yes, not to the extent and unsafety of a FA person. This also means that a FA person will be hypervigilent inside of the relationship to make damn sure that it is safe (this focusing on the partner's flaws... Pushing the other person to grow... A very high need for growth relationships, etc).
@jasminet3419 yes! I remember her talking about this. Well explained. I love Heidi Preibe's work
I'm confused. Isn't this just a healthy relationship? Shouldn't we ALL WANT this?
I'm confused too... I have a secure attachement style and I need all those things too.
That's what I thought too!!! These attachments style videos and quizzes are like reading a copy of Cosmo. There are, however, people who DON'T know how to provide this to their partner, and that partner thinks they're not "secure'.
I would imagine that a relationship with a DA would be a nightmare for an FA.
This is not an avoidant! 😂😂. At least not what I seen!
@@shannonlogue-chrysalisfitn8572It is!
In my experience, the fearful avoidant does not act in the ways that you say he/she needs from the other. Again, you say the partner has to do most of work to make life comfortable for the FA, but that doesn't work anyway. The FA has to do their own work to heal their own trauma wounds.
effort needs to be from both ends. so yes you are also correct
Yes, but they need to do it BEFORE jumping into a new relationship with someone else as a neverending escape and not after ruining so many good people's lives and hearts
@@holo406 it would be nice, but to be fair they often don’t realize at first if at all. they need the self awareness to do that lol
@@holo406People are responsible for "ruining" their own lives. Take some personal accountability.
I agreed 💯👍🏼 .... greetings from San Francisco and female Baby Boomer......🍩☕🌁😃
Great video, You cant blame people for becoming who they are. sometimes life just happens to them. there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. I However learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of a divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it..
your comment is very reasonable and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
I acknowledge the difficulty in letting someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
I will look her up online right now...Thank you so much
You wont regret it, i tell you.
@@LeonardEarnshaw I don't believe you.
I think all the people in this comment section who are saying things like “run” and “FA’s want what they can’t provide” need to get a grip and grow up, realise you have a choice. If this type of person is not for you and you don’t want them in your life- that is your choice. An FA is not for everyone. People who are saying “well they need to heal” need to understand that it’s not your decision, you can leave. Even an FA who wants to heal, can’t change in 5 seconds, this healing takes time and it will always be an issue, yes it can be improved but even healed people can struggle again. Some of these comments I am seeing are just screaming how wounded and unhealed a lot of you are. Are you telling me you are perfect too? I’m sure a lot of the people who are writing hideous comments about FA’s are the same people triggering these types of attachment styles. We all need to heal and if you think the FA’s are the only problem then think twice, get off your high horse and read the comments you have left…
If you were on the other end and being disregarded over ever small argument you’d feel the same. You people get to shut down, the rest of us don’t.
@@hellobye4984 People are human, we make mistakes, we struggle… it’s life? Avoidants in general can be like that but I’m sure you must be the most perfect person in the world with no flaws to leave such a comment.
@@jjfae333 exactly. That first line is something most avoidants seem to forget before writing someone off completely! I don’t harp on others flaws, I compromise and communicate… bc that’s what relationships are about. I’m not avoidant. You can struggle but shutting down on your partner and making them feel worthless over very small things that can be communicated is emotional abuse and not something anyone should make excuses for. Seek therapy instead of pointing the finger at others. No one is perfect but at least the rest of us are willing to own up to those flaws and grow with our partners. Are you? If not, I suggest you, and others like you, leave people alone until you’re at that point.
@@hellobye4984 I think you have misunderstood my comments and should reread my first comment. A relationship is a two way connection. Both parties have a role to play. I think blaming one party is entirely wrong.
You are harping on about the flaws of an FA so I don’t understand what you are trying to say- but that’s not my point. My point is that everyone is flawed and we should not be holding any superiority. I find your message to be quite hostile and I don’t understand why you feel the need to be that way. My previous message was a reflection point for you as you felt the need to attack an attachment style you don’t understand and think you are better than.
@@jjfae333 babe the whole point of an avoidant attachment style is that they AVOID and do not take accountability for their actions lol. It is practically impossible to work with someone like thatz I’m not saying an anxious attachment style is perfect, but a secure person would be able to work out a little reassurance at least whereas an avoidant person will shut down. Not about blame, but again you are avoidant so you will feel attacked belittled anytime valid criticism and truth is presented to you.
Im super Red Pilled but all this info is so valuable to me. It has saved me from doing dumb, insecure shit in my relationship or situationship
Respect, this information is truly valuable.
I think it’s extremely hard to be in relationships with fearful avoidants. Like you said, they want the trust and consistency but even if you provide that to them they often can leave you in the dark and run away and you don’t get any of what they also want in return. I think probably a FA that is aware they do this and working on it would be the only one you can date. I dated on that I’m pretty sure had no clue they were FA and it was an emotional rollercoaster for me. Never knowing if they would communicate or not & then suddenly reappear. That is extremely confusing and hard to cope with emotionally. I get this is their protection & how their inner child has been hurt but it can be rough.
THIS! Yes, we can be doing all of these things she describes but if they themselves don't work on it, its pointless :/
@@sydcar44hey, it’s not just that you did these things that they sake for, but, it really stems from inconsistencies they noticed from you at some point in the relationship. I hate to say it but it’s not a lot of wiggle room with FA’s. Either you’re 100% honest or you’re a liar in their eyes. Even if it’s a white lie. They are EXTREMELY in tuned with discrepancies and lies. If you don’t keep it real even one time it could be a deal breaker. So to you it might seem like you did the most but any info you left out or omitted they will know.
This is 1000000% real 😭😭😭 but its so hard to find consistent, safe people…
Yeah, it is...
You become ONE
Exactly 💯 become what u want from another and u will attract it
I was consistent, and he should have thought I was safe (he was not at all protective or safe with my feelings though). I was always kind, took care of him when he was hurt, was always going to his house where he was most comfortable, was a good listener... but he still treated me like I wasn't safe. I think he only thought I was unsafe because I kept trying to set a boundary about him respecting my time, which he consistently wasn't doing
I ended up breaking up with him because of that issue. It was literally the only thing I was asking of him and it was really important to me but he would just shrug and say that's just the way he is
Now he's literally making stuff up to blame me for the breakup. He said I gave him an ultimatum too early in the relationship (as if later ultimatums are ok?). I never gave him an ultimatum, I'm not an ultimatum person. I explained to him why I needed him to respect my time and how it was messing up my schedule, planning, etc... when he didn't. I talked to him about it 4 times but never said anything threatening like "if you don't do this I'm going to leave you". I left because he clearly didn't care about my needs period
I gave it all to him. Not one thing as a secure attachment person I did not provide. This list seems like what a secure attachment would want also.
The push and pull FA people give is asking a bit much of me personally, friendship is now my aim, he's too problematic but I do love him dearly.
I'm one step ahead of you, this friendship doesn't even feel worthwhile anymore. And she calls our relationship "great" exactly as it is!
@@LukearthwalkerSounds like a DA whose need for distance is better met now, so they have room for positive feelings about you and your friendship. Sometimes it's shocking, on how little actual contact they 'thrive' best. Not the depth that an FA is looking for, that's for sure!
@@Lukearthwalker if you're a secure attachment person, just leave her alone. FA people are too problematic for us, and I've learned they lose their appeal as partners very quickly for the secure attachment people anyway. I honestly think these people with attachment issues should not date and leave people in peace.
@@anitawieman3900 Good read, she is a DA. Shocking is right and I couldn't say she's thriving at the moment but she won't let me in even a little bit so she's on her own I suppose.
@@Lukearthwalker 😑 she's a problem, be done with her. I'm so sorry you're going through this.Me, this friendship is going to end up one-sided as I'm not really here to maintain it, or babysit and if he doesn't maintain it then I'm not bothered. FA people are just not for me or anyone, they really need to date each other and play their games or don't date at all until they really work on themselves as they don't make good romantic partners and I'm sure they know it. These people create more avoidant people but, I missed that bullet I realised who and what the problem is and know I can do better now I know better.😗
Love this… as a fearful avoidant ❤
Awesome that you connected with the video! Thanks for watching!
Me too
Wow you have described me to the T. I definitely knew I always needed trust, consistency and security. Without it I had one foot in and one foot out until I finally left. All of these are me it’s amazing. This is why I believe in these attachments.
In order to receive trust, you must give trust...It means answering the phone and messages to your lover or potencial lover when it trying to communicate....!!!! Don't let the other person 2 days or 1 week thinking what happened ..tell them how you feel so the other one at least can undertand...otherwise you will hurt exactly the person who loves you and you will atract the ones who don't love you ....One day your parents will no longer be alive or you may see yourself alone in the hospital....you will need a partner as an emotional support during difficult times and you must learn how to give support as well !!!! .... 🙏❤
@@macioanasava.official5084 Everyone has to earn full trust. Everyone gives little by little. I have given trust fully and would end up correct in the end of what I felt in the beginning. I trust close loved ones and was married 30 years because my husband moved in ways that didn’t gave consistency and security. I definitely want to work on the things FA need to work on, but if I am alone in the end for any reason, that’s okay. I will not be desperate to keep a relationship to say I have someone. The last man I was with was DA and it was so much up and down and so much not knowing and questioning my own reality. I didn’t know these attachment styles until I finally walked away 11 months ago from 2 years in that relationship and so happy I did. I am learning now and healing my broken heart. So no I do not break hearts, but I do pick toxic men after my ex husband. I am doing the work for me and if relationship comes along, more blessings.
Aren't these things everybody wants/needs in a relationship? With passion probably being in various degrees depending on the person
Absolutely, these elements are fundamental in any relationship but especially with a fearful avoidant!
Yes the problem is that FA we hope for people to crack on this behavior so we don’t have to invest, we usually look for people to fail so we can keep our intimacy, deep feeling etcc to ourselves, if we find this person with all this qualities we know we have to become vulnerable in every way.
I think secure people want this whole list too because my view is secure and FA are similar but FA is less trusting of others as a baseline. I think everyone wants a few of the survival based points like safety and trust, but truly there are people who have no ability to feel or desire passion, novelty, growth or emotional depth. Likewise there are people who truly do not want independence or freedom because they can not care for or entertain themselves.
I think with secure people, they're willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, while with FAs you need to be very very consistent or they're gone 😊
@@superl349 In that case, is there a point you reach when you feel like opening up? Or do you just not date in general? (for reference my crush is likely a FA, idk what to do here)
Wow this really helped me I'm the fearful avoidant and now I can share this with my partner I definitely didn't even understand myself thank you
I think all of us have needs and each of us need 1- tell out partner are needs and 2- make sure they tell you their needs. It took me forever to get my wife to tell me her needs and once she did it became up to me to meet them the best I can and she meet mine the best she can. A lot of compromise and safety and validation of feelings and thoughts I’m finding are key to at least my marriage. I’ve been w/my wife 18 yrs and married 15 yrs. Thank you Thais
This video is life changing for me! It gave me a deeper understanding of own my needs. I've gone so long thinking I'm asking for too much. This video made me do some reflection. I think the disconnection is my ability to convey what it is that I am seeking.
They demand incredible loyalty and trust from you, whilst cheating on you and one foot out the door looking for the one throughout your relationship
I am/ was a FA and was unaware. Once I realized, I immediately sought therapy. It is a challenge but definitely doable. Most important catalyst for me was knowing that it is behavioral and behaviors can change. My progress has been fast and really lowered my fears. Taking gaba and cortisol calm has helped settle my anxiety.
This is good insight to my FA friend. She's always bugging me to "open up" but can never articulate what she wants to know. After all, I've already told her everything. 🤷🏿♂️
They’re like cats 🐈 … hey I’m back .pet me.prrrrrrr.. okay stop now.. okay that’s enough… okay I said , okay I sed that’s enough nowwwww! And I freakin love cats
Wow, spot on for me. My biggest contradiction is need for security (I created my own stability as a priority in life) yet huge drive for freedom & adventure (work in travel, committed to life-long learning). Thought it was just me! Can starkly see why the dismissive love interest won't work, no matter the passion!
Yes. But just because this is what someone NEEDS, doesn’t mean they will be attracted to you because you provide these things. I feel like FAs tend to always search for greener pastures 😢
Yes this is unfortunately true. Consciously the FA thinks this situation is not good enough and they can do better, even if slightly better. But subconsciously, they don't think they genuinely deserve this level of love and kindness.
@@SmallBobby well, everyone gets their just desserts in the end. I’ll be ok
Sooo true
@@SmallBobby doesn’t bother me. I know women are going to want the best “deal” they can get. No hate. I just know the woman that wants to be kept by me is going to see the value I provide and recently I shifted my mentality. That it’s her issue, not mine.
.... yes, because there has to be chemistry and mutual physical attraction.
So they want all the things they dont wanna give. Great!
That is so true.... :(
This is allowing me to learn so much about myself.
YES to all of this. I left because of lack of consideration, consistency, safety, or depth in conversation. No growth after almost a year..what’s the point?? No conflicts were discussed in depth, just pushed under the carpet, fault on both sides. I was mute a lot, he was gone a lot for work, and in off time would prioritize his friends over me. Different stages in life although one year apart in age.
This all resonates with me so much as an FA, love your videos thanks Thais! ❤️
Yeah… I gave all of that to him. The whole list was provided. That is why our relationship was the longest he ever had… and he still broke up with me. Because “he is not ready to move in together after 2 years of relationship, and logically you are supposed to be ready after all this time”. 🤷🏼♀️ they just really need their alone time and living together feels like threat to that. He told me his biggest fear was ending up alone - cause he knows that he isn’t capable of that, but still wants one. Sad. Devastating…and cruel to a loving partner who did provide everything on the list..
they grow resentment on you for every little thing as a defense mechanism…how do you like the issue… I was gently kissing his back in the morning when he was still trying to sleep… what an awful girlfriend… couldn’t read his mind that day so he broke up with me that very same night! Kissing was the last drop so to say…
I definitely understand the affection and him leaving. It majes you feel like there is something wrong with you.
I moved in with my girlfriend 3 years ago I finally got her to unpack about 6 months ago and it was a fight. I get next to no affection and when I bring it up she blaim shifts. It has now got to the point I don't even feel like giving her affection. I feel like after getting growled at and bit by a dog 10 times I don't want to pet it anymore. She has literally pushed me away. When I have enough, shut down and leave she then seems like she wants the relationship. I have asked her multiple to go to counseling and I completely shut off last week and I was on my way out. I then got a text message her asking to go counseling. So I am going, if she didn't reach out I was and am in the process of making a back up plan and getting out. I hope this works but she needs to do the work I feel like have enough knowledge of relationships and personality disorders that I could start my own channel. I might add I am aware of my anxious attachment style and I have done a lot of work on myself in the last 6 years I 100% know I have certain traits and trama that do trigger her but without communication I can only guess.
I hope you find sombody in the future that give you the felling I personaly don't believe a avoident is capable of. It's like your alone with them and alone without.
@@ImaBotNot That no affection thing is the pits!!!! I can't handle that. Good luck with her, I hope she does go to counseling. God bless you.
I'll never live with anyone ever again (by choice) I value my space and my freedom way too much. Anyone that dates me will know that from the beginning. I don't believe in relationship anarchy.
Lie detectors 😂 yep.. I do that. Won’t say anything until it’s overwhelming. And consideration..yes! Presence..yes!!!!!!! Lack of triggers abandonment and trust wounds. Growth is a huge one, I wanted to and my ex avoided it..how can a future be successful if one person keeps their head in the sand?
I'm glad this video resonated with you! Thank you for sharing ❤
Lie detectors?
Help me understand why an FA would be so consistently deceptive, withholding of truth and outright lie?
Are they great liars because they detect lies so well?
They will read you for filth😮💨. Too observant
See...these are all needs of any healthy relationship. In my experience, if you actually provide all of these to an FA, they run for the hills...because "safety" actually reads as "what I'm used to," and that's invariably someone who doesn't meet these needs.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on this topic. It's always insightful to hear different viewpoints.
Trust is the most important. And slowly, allowing it to build up. They need consistency and care in these actions, not just the actions themselves.
@@Elle10033 That has not seemed to make a difference in my experience. Fear of intimacy doesn't seem to benefit from more reliable intimacy. It needs therapy.
I’m a healing FA and this video is completely accurate for me. There are things that I couldn’t pinpoint about why I am the way I am but this video makes me feel so seen and validated. I look back on previous relationships and realize why I ended them or even sabotaged them. The betrayal wound is the most prominent for me and any incongruence will completely turn me off.
I agree. It seems to me that showing up as a healthy partner and largely meeting all of these needs causes the FA to panic, end/sabotage the relationship, and disappear. It’s that fear of intimacy with a healthy partner which causes them to worry they won’t live up to expectations or meet their partner’s needs. That has been my experience.
Wow! You nailed every single point
I always get hung up on by them and blocked when they can't regulate their emotions. Is that normal?
For FAs? Yes 😂
Yes it's normal for a fearful avoidant to run, hang up, yell? ...maybe yes, because of a lack of personal insight or good communication skills. That's what I've always done.
Thais, do Fearful Avoidants suddenly lose feelings once you have said the L word? Even if they said it first? I know you’ve done a ton of videos but Idk if I’ve seen one covering this topic. Thanks
P.S. the person was an ex but we reconnected. Will time and space allow her and I to move on or will they question their decision to not pursue a relationship again after all?
Seems like a case of the "avoidant flip". Look it up and stay ready for it. It comes out of nowhere and causes maximum pain. They do it again and again till you walk away. Then they blame you and stalk your socials 🙄
@@GSXR750wx I’ll check it out. Yeah she still pays attention to my social media. I however don’t reciprocate. Muted her etc. Idgaf what she’s doing or who she’s with if it isn’t me.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life Brings a tear to my eye. Now would you say you were in love with him, or just that you had loving feelings? What you described perfectly matches what happened to me. It wasn’t the whole day but we got into pretty deep conversation and she ended up telling me she loved me. But then the next day she calls me up saying that she fear it won’t end well, just like last time. She did remain in contact with me but she always had an excuse to why she couldn’t do something with me. I’m not satisfied with a texting buddy, thanks but no thanks. I don’t get how you can’t date someone you’re in love with… isn’t that the point??? From my understanding it’s that you fear relationships will all end, and that the closer you are to someone and the deeper the love, the more pain will inevitably ensue. I just wonder if she really loves me, because that would be heinous to tell someone that when you don’t. I tried to keep it casual and cool, watching her stories, messaging her now and then (nothing serious, just catching up or small talk), liking her posts, etc. because I unconditionally love her. But I’ve since stopped doing any of that because I feel like it just won’t matter. I just don’t get it. Truly painful as the other person.
Also, addendum, but when you said that you realized spending that time with him would grow your feelings (which you didn’t want), that seems like the case. Wanting to hang out because you enjoy it, but also realizing that those feelings growing is a bad thing, so you decide to not spend time with him.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life very interesting. Thank you so so much for sharing that with me. I’ve done a lot of reading, trying to understand this attachment and how it’s been described as a living hell. It totally makes sense l, though. Some days I wish I never loved her, because I’ll think of her constantly, and maybe if I guarded myself more, I wouldn’t feel this way. It sounds like what you’re describing is that when you become enveloped in this deep love, you almost become obsessed. And that’s never healthy for you: makes it hard to function. It also causes anxiety, which I’ve observed in her. If I didn’t text back quickly enough she would get worried and sometimes totally withdraw when I did eventually. I mean, we discussed having children and that stuff. Really messed with my head.
What you said about never loving someone as much as you loved your dad, she said something similar. She told me that she never liked someone as much, and ofc she danced around the L word as usual. But she did eventually tell me that. It was hard to comprehend at first, how someone could feel that way but then avoid you like the freaking plague. I didn’t know whether to fight harder and drop my ego and pride and just go after her, or to give up and let her decide to make that next step. I chose the latter, and I’m still unsure if it’s the right decision.
At this point, honestly, I’m leaving it in the Creator’s hands. If it’s meant to be it will be, but I’m not banking on it. And from what you told me, I’m probably right.
@SunshineAndSnowflakes such a sad account of your life. Please look up Richard Schwartz's "Internal Family System." The child who lost her father and became devastated needs to be lovingly told that you are old and strong enough NOW and can handle heartbreak, something you couldn't do as a child and your internal protectors took over your life. Do you overthink, worry, and fear as well?
FA here. Nodded the entire video. Funny thing is, "safety" was the first word I said going into your video. Guess I'm getting more aware as years go by and experiences tell me who I am and what I need.
Feels good when someone really gets you. But you were one yourself so there's that 😉
I am F.A and this is bang on
For me appreciation is really important, but to some extend. If the person is telling me that they're lucky, they love everything about me and It's just sweet words all the time I feel like it's so untrue and not really genuine. I remember how my ex used to tell me how happy he was because our relationship is so great and our love is so great. I felt more scared than appreciated because it doesn't sound...real?
Dude, these characteristics hit home for me.
This lady describes me to a T, I am not needy but I do need regular assurance, return text when in a timely manner, do what you said you were gonna do.
For example, if a guy say I think we should take dance lessons next month, I pay attention if he had the intention of doing that, if the month passes then I feel relax bc he’s just one of the million others out there and I don’t feel like I have to make an effort, I know is gonna end soon and start backing out slowly, but if a guy is very consistent does exactly what he says, returns text fast and keeps regular contacts even when traveling, I mean just a text or two, I become afraid because I know I’m gonna have to invest in this guy, and I know I have to adjust my life bc that kind guy likes to be a priority in my life,. I haven’t found a guy like this for years so I’m usually walking around very relax.
Wow! I am a fearful avoidant.
Me too.
All of these things that you have listed are things that the FA I was dealing with could not even do themselves and of course when I pointed it out it was taken as an attack.
FA's are used to doing it all ourselves and by ourselves.... because people generally can't be depended on.
You described me perfectly! 😊
I feel better now, after listening to this. I feel understood. I've spent most of my life feeling like I was asking for "too much" and so I settled for so much less, and tried to make it work. Then, felt like a failure when it fell apart. Is it really possible to get all of my needs met with one partner? Probably not with a dismissive avoidant though!
Loved this video - when will you do the same about the dissmisive avoidants? 😍
Great video, as always, but I'm a bit confused -- what would the difference between growth vs emotional connection be in a relationship? Because I always thought of relationship growth as happening *through* emotional connection. So are you using the term "growth" to mean something other than that? It might be helpful to do a video clarifying the relationship/distinction between those two things.
Emotional connection can give growth but can also happen in the now without growth, development. And growth may happen in solitude or with help of books, lectures or casual connection in some classroom or even individual lesson. Doesn't require em. conn. at all.
Can't be easy to be in a committed relationship with someone who is just comfortable with not seeking out new knowledge or lacks any sense of adventure, or doesn't want to see new places etc.
As always - 100% spot on Thais!! So validating as an FA to watch this!!!!!!!!👏👏👏❤❤❤
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad this video resonated with you! ❤
My ex twice over feels like he needs to protect his mother because he has witnessed her being mistreated by so many abusive boyfriends.
He is an addict & so is his mother & she enables his addiction.
4:00 needs within a relationship
I'm an AF, could you maybe also make a video on how to regulating myself and stop thinking that the grass is greener with someone else, that we'd be a better fit and it would be more exciting and I wouldn't get angry at parts of him that Im struggling to accept, because they are so different from mine? I would be so so greatful!
Love and appreciate so much what you do! I finally feel understood! ❤
How do you define Novelty. I don't understand that need.
The trust example about cancelling a trip (after I had already paid deposits and bought the airfare) actually hapenned to me 3x with a DA. I'm a former FA Secure. This DA relationship really pokes at my core wounds.
I wish I had known this a couple of years ago. I lost a very good friend because our attachment styles were in conflict. I reacted exactly the wrong way and we ended up not speaking to each other. 😢
Aren’t these traits we all need and are crucial for a healthy relationship?? I’m a strong FA and now I wish I find another FA so we can have/do all of the mentioned together!
Thanks Thais❤ you are amazing
Ya and after you put in the time and they feel better they leave you. My personal experience.. they will feel bad, they will say they will always love you.. and that it’s over
Well this hits hard…
We started out very casual, after a few weeks I started to catch feelings and told her I didn’t want to have just a fling anymore. She told me she didn’t want me to end it and that she saw us still being together in 6 months and so I agreed to continue. Over the next 2 months I really fell for her, everything seemed perfect. One day I decided to tell her I really cared about her and was falling in love with her. Then I asked her to “consider the possibility of whether she would ever want to be with me in a meaningful way one day such as marriage or kids”…she pushed me away super fast and I’ve been in no contact for 3 weeks now. I didn’t feel like that was a big ask but apparently now I can see that was a major mistake. Who knew telling someone you were falling in love with them was a red flag. I spent 3 weeks crying over her every day and now I don’t think I’d want to get back with her after watching all these videos. I feel so bad for her but I know she will never accept my love because she wants someone who doesn’t actually care about her
I have learnt that the avoidant is not the best to be around when one wants comfort and that’s hard but it’s harder when they turn cold so best to seek another resource. And they don’t need much comfort because they don’t feel much anyway. If this can be accepted then the rest becomes easier.
That was what was happening with my Fearful. “Not Communicating”! Without open communication and understanding you have nothing! ❤️🩹
This is the worst. Can't even get "yes" or "no" from them. On top of that, it's impossible to know when they will eventually crawl out of their shell, it might be 3 days, a week, a month if ever. The feeling of uncertainty is what makes it the worst.
Everyone that thinks this sounds like a typical stabel relationship isint truly listning to HOW deep or HOW heavy the trust and safety/consideration
of emotions and body safety issues are. Its extra on top unforgently...think stable but you need to like work on it even longer and more often and eventually they will calm down as long as everything is consistent. But yes if it becomes too consistent they could get bored and thats why you need to be an open person that likes to talk and do new stuff. Dont just sit in your old scruffy summer cottage every summer for 2-4 months and eat the same food all the time. They need intelligent stimuli. Think ADD on emotional stability.
I know I have an attachment problem but I don't think I fit neatly into any of the types. Are there other categories that don't fit into any of these boxes?
You go on and on before you get to your point!
I really hate that
can you pls get a better mic instead of the one built in from the cam? your voice doesnt sount really clear when we use speaker
I am pretty sure my ex was an FA. I thought he had DA tendencies, but I think I was wrong.
When we took space (due to some difficulties he was going through) I became quite cold in the interaction (as a means of not overwhelming him). We ended up breaking up last week. I think me pulling away the affection (apparently), it made him detach more. I think I was anxiously attached in this relationship, and I really failed in the last few weeks to communicate my feelings.
I thought that I'm just anxious type, but this video matches me too well... Especially parts with trust and feeling like I don't matter while there's bit of presence and then none at all for some time, or when I'm with DA gf and her friend/friends and almost her entire attention is only there, I kinda feel in a way like I'm a 3rd wheel and a bit like betrayed in a way. Sometimes communication is just so weird that I just get lost and I don't know what to think anymore, like I don't even know if I'm loved back still, and slightly afraid to ask about it cause maybe I'd be needy. In that kind of situation I feel lack of safety I think, tho it's sometimes bit difficult to really name things like that or my needs if I were to explain them. Thanks, I usually learn something new from those videos.
FAs want mind readers because they never communicate their needs or boundaries. They want growth and depth yet barely show up to get those things.
bc we afraid as f
I don't want a mind reader.
You're in fear yet you have a thelema tattoo as your pfp, nice lmao, 93 scum@@salviadivinorum6619
My first relationship, I think we were, was both FA. I felt like I needed to flee because there was a point where he pulled away for a whole month. He did get close again, but in my mind, I couldn't let it go, so I messed the relationship up. Now, I stay way too long in relationships. I think I'm scared to leave because the feeling of the first relationship ending was not pleasant.
Oh wow... thats me...😮
Kind of disagree.
I dated a fearful avoidand and I gave her emotional, intimate and psychical safety.
And that's the thing that drove her away.
The pattern in her past relationships is with toxic and abusive and unfaithful partners. Another very good coach I follow on RUclips says that avoidants actually subconsciously prefer toxic relationships (at first) because generally toxic partners are generally emotionally unavailable. And that makes the avoidant feel safe. Because they don't need to emotionally commit.
I really did appreciate my partner and I did love her and i think that's what scared her. Because when she broke up with me. It was out of the blue. Typical avoidant behavior. And she didn't really offer any real reasons it was all the "its not you it's me stuff" etc. It might honestly be one of the shortest relationships she was in yet she's spent months and years of her life in the past with terrible abusive and toxic partners.
As a FA how can I make the relationship work with a DA?
Fearful avoidants and relationships are a losing battle...they have so much personal work to do...and getting too close causes them to have claustrophobia. They need their space.
I definitely need my space.
Fearful Avoidance people are problematic with a capital P. As a secure attachment person I watch these videos and really wish my FA connection never disturbed my peace with their confused sense of being.
Yet, I watch this videos to see how I can be a friend to him, as for me that's all that's on offer these days. These videos really help me to discern my next partner, as a secure attachment style I want to stop 🛑 attracting the Aviodant people in a major way.
ageeed. 100%, im also in you shoes
You said you are secure but are so judgmental. Does not sound like a secure attachment style to me. You propping yourself up while beating another down, that’s far from being secure but more projecting.
@@bangibabs I said what I said, I'm a secure person fed up with the BS.. it is what it is.
@@justme9514 with all due respect I doubt you are secure. Hurt yes, secure not yet. I don’t know you personally and do not say this from a malicious place. Healing will change your mindset and approach. I know being honest with self is a life changer.
@@bangibabs I'm fine love, it's you guys that are not, a good dose of therapy should cure it for you 🚫‼️
I always recommend your videos to all my loved ones.. It's a special kind of love language 😂❤️
Truly you are the best
Thank you.
bringing in new things to do with an avoidant and doing things consistently contradict each other so which is it?
Be consistent with your actions but provide excitement with new things
I'm tired of watching videos about partners with special needs. Just give me someone who can manage the relationship with me, together as a unit. I've had a few avoidant partners and hope never to have one again.
Actually FA, we’re pretty good, the thing is that if we find a crack on any of this trades, loyalty, honesty, etc.. if we find a crack we become hot and cold, bc we may love someone be super attracted to someone, but we can’t give too much because we can’t trust 100%. I’m a FA, is hard to find someone for a long term relationship bc I haven’t come across someone really honest, with intention, loyal, etc, for example if someone said something and doesn’t follow through I won’t called them out but that’s already proof that I can’t trust them with my feelings, so I do feel safe bc I know how much of me to give.
@@superl349 The rub, though, is that you (general not specific) can't ever trust anyone 100%. No one is perfect. No one is without deficiencies. Nobody is 100% compatible with us. So, there will always be some measure of doubt in relationships with people, and that goes in secure relationships too! Obviously, you must vet people to be reasonably sure, but NO ONE is capable of meeting all needs and without flaws. The trick is learning to live with the ambiguity - to learn that even good people will make mistakes, have different expectations and different life experiences, and interpret situations differently. The point is not to find someone you can trust 100% but to learn to find where the benefit of the doubt is warranted.
Example: my wife is wonderful. But, we are very different. We process things very differently to the point where when we are both very stressed (like during a move), communication can break down entirely. So, we don't try to push it. We focus on giving each other the benefit of the doubt until the stress is over. THEN we talk. But, we have to actually talk. Otherwise, we will hurt each other without meaning to over and over again in our marriage because, well, we are different people!
Trauma makes it really easy to understand extremes - the POS person and the perfect one. But, most people exist in the middle. Most are well meaning but deficient in a way that, with the right glasses, will always make them look worse (or better) than they are. The only way to know the difference, though, about who we can best trust is through time and emotional vulnerability, and neither of those is easy for anyone but especially for those of us with trauma.
Since you can't objectively discern a person's intentions, then how can you differentiate the FA from any other toxic personality style ?
In my experience, Braun, a fearful avoidant will get anxious and when you give them too much space (when they haven’t asked for it) subconsciously, as in not as a manipulation tactic but more of like “pumping the brakes, they will chase you. Dismissive Avoidants don’t tend to chase in that situation. Think of FA as a mix of anxious and dismissive.
Eeehm, I identified myself as an anxiously attached person. But this video your description of fearful avoidant is literally a description of me.
What does this mean? Can i be both? Or anxious people can have all these traits?
Me too. But I have read somewhere that FAs are also referred to as the disorganized attachment style in which the individual is anxious and avoidant depending on the circumstances. I find it to be true.
A FA just ended our relationship. So, im just here to learn about a FA in case we reconnect
Why did my ex boyfriend turn me down for sex when we tried a second time after our first breakup???
I’m so confused.
🤔
I'm FA but I wonder, is this not what everybody wants? then what do other people need?
They are looking for drama because peace is terrifying to them. They believe if you are calm then they are about to be abandoned so they cause problems causing you to leave validating their fear of not being good enough to deserve love. You cant fix or change them.
You actually can fix them (to a certain extent), the problem is that they need to reciprocate the effort. Most of them are just too used to their zone of comfort to do so. It takes willpower.
@AugustSchroif you cant fix other people. You need to stop telling other people how they should live and then being critical of them when they dont live up to your expectations
How should a FA reciprocate in a relationship with someone who is secure?
@bluesneakers ya know what, fake it till you make it my friend. Practice secure behavior and habits even when you dont feel it. You'll reprogram your nervous system, develop emotional regulation, gain confidence and become secure
@@mathews0618 I think I have some FA traits, but I wasnt always like this. So I know I can do better. I think when you meet the right person, something clicks. In this new relationship, I have been doing that. Its slow progress, but I am committed to it. Not just for the relationship, but for my social interactions in general. Thanks for your response.
@10:30 but they are not even "safe" themselves emotionally with all the distance and drama they bring.
Am fearful avoidant
It seems like they really don’t know what they are looking for
We can only read your mind part of the time
Summary: Enjoy your two-day-a-week situationship that's going nowhere
When you already are married and/or have kids, the information is good.
Omg I almost choked 🤣😂
You sound like an anxious preoccupied attachment style.
Hahahahaha summarised the last 5 years of my life! But also if they randomly dump you and disappear for a month..... suffer alone in silence so you don't push them further away. I mean...... it's just so much fun 😁
run
Amen!!!! The sooner, the better, LOL!
No disrespect, I am here to learn how to make my relationship with a FA thrive. But when you talk about Trust, they need consistency in action and words, it is a bit false. The more you do that, the more they feel smothered. They do have anxiety but the real sad part is that they expect their needs to be met without actually having the willingness to volunteer information and communicate regularly. So it makes the job of their partner 3x harder. I also want to know that if they say they will do something they actually will and sadly they regularly fail at this but they want us to do it? This logic is completely mind boggling.
Ha! How ironic that they need from their S.O. what they can't give in return..
Her new eyebrows are freaking me out! When you draw them on why didnt you make them even?
This explains me to a t
I can clearly see myself in this 🙄
@9:51 they want presence.😆 FA people are so emotionally unavailable this expectation sounds like a double standard and hoop to jump through to me
I am gonna translate this to english: "they [FA] want someone to be available for them when THEY want it, but they are not gonna be available themselves".
@AugustSchroif Boom exactly. Here's the latest: After having exchanges with FAs on this video, and reading other FA comments it turned me off of the man I met even more.
Meanwhile;
Two weeks ago :
" I need space" the FA tells me out of the blue. I've done nothing to trigger him. Guess what, I gave him space and started to side - eye his behaviour again. But left him to it while I educated myself on this behaviour.
Monday this week: he blocked me, for no reason mind you.
Wednesday (today)
He unblocked me and sent a message: " just because I'm not talking to you does not mean I'm not thinking about you." It turned my stomach.
Me: take all the time and space you need, I'm okay with it.
Bottom line, I'm done. I realised after learning about attachment style just two week's ago when I started to side eye him and his behaviour, this is unfulfilling for me and will always be, I want to move on, and friendship is all I can offer. Now after listening to the videos, reading a book on attachment styles then realising I'm naturally a secure this is why I'm so turned off!! but don't get anxious or react I just want out!! It's a hard pass.
I hope I don't trigger him by just leaving the space he asked for , I'm not trying to reconcile, and I'm not about to chase, I don't see it as worth it, I don't think I've missed the boat my soul mate and correct partner who knows how to relationship is out there as a grown woman they games are not attractive. I've had empathy, care, considered his feelings and done everything " his way" now I know about FA style and all toxic styles ain't no way I'm being turned into one by staying. I've gotta go.
I wish you so much luck 🍀 with whatever has brought you to this video. If you are a SA style person don't Risk losing it for an FA that has not done the work, or is willing too.
To all FAs reading this, do the work, don't disturb people's peace with your behaviour.
This is how an SA may react, real life footage! They side step, even this creator of the video has already said it.
The 3D micro blend eyebrow is on points btw. Good content.🎉
First of all Fearful Avoidant needs to understand they need a Therapy and they are not allowed to Start a Family give birth to kids and then Run off just because they have this attachment style,
Secondly If you still not yet Secure in your attachment do not wast my Time Life and resources for your delusional games. And lastly Needs is something they focus on but it's that what they need to get over it. Working on them self and being at least Aware of they on patterns. So the Other humans can get along with them easily.
What will happen if u don't agree to start dating the FA?
@7:30 they need consistency? 😒 So explain to us secure attachment people why they are not consistent with their feelings and what they want?
@@aigo000tbut the reasons they don't feel safe come from their own trauma wounds and their own fearful triggers. The partner does not cause this.
@@aigo000t I hear everything you're saying, but personally I'd just slip away from any FA person, if you know you don't want what they come with. That's my learning curve and advice for anyone secure dealing with any avoidant but especially an FA ‼️
@@aigo000t I'm fine and very secure, it's you guys that are not and a good dose of therapy is what you FA people and all avoidant people need. I said what I said you're problematic and I am a secure person fed up with the BS. Like the woman said in this video it is unlikely we will stick around and date avoidant people this is where I'm at 🚫
@@aigo000t I'm totally secure ,but like this lady said I'm one of the secure people who find FA traits unattractive so I leave it alone as I see it as problematic. SA people can deal with any avoidant like she said, but just because we can does not mean we should, some won't .... Like me. You need to work on yourself and stop disturbing people's peace, FA people like I said are problematic and create more of you guys so to avoid it some of us leave it well alone... That would be me again.
@@aigo000t sweet heart, how is anything I say a "smear campaign" ? Let us look at the facts.
1. can FAs have relationships...no, not really because of their behaviour turns people off eventually.
2.can FAs date people without being problematic...no, as their behaviour is problematic.
3.can FAs regulate themselves and be the things THEY say they want, like what this woman says in the video... Hell no, because of their behaviour.
4. Do they make good romantic partners... that's obviously a no.
So how is it prejudice or a "smear campaign " when FA people prove themselves to be problematic and show who they really are?? Their behaviour is what exposes them as problematic, not anyone who dates you or anything I say. These videos this woman makes expose FAs as problematic.
One of the traits of a FA is a 'distorted view' on relationships, and also making up their own stories on how things go, which this lady has also stated in previous videos and it seems to me you're consistent with this statement she's made. Your story is " it's not the FA's fault , it's the other person" This is because half the time a FA doesn't even know what it is they are clearly thinking or feeling and the best place is therapy to fix that, and to not disturb other people's lives with their behaviour until they are fully healed.
I'm here taking notes from this lady's videos that's all, so that I can spot the red flags in anyone I meet next, and know they are a hard pass for me based on their behaviour which they show. I've become so indifferent to FAs now and stick to what's been shown to me time and time again. I don't even react to the BS, I live my life but they don't leave me alone even after saying " look all I have for you is a friendship, I want to find the right person "
You take care of those wounds you have so you can make a good partner to someone one day.
I'm out from this discussion with you personally as it's not beneficial to either of us, just like I'm out from the FA I met. I'll just keep taking notes on the videos ‼️
Just be clingy and affectionate and a little crazy, don't let em run ..but lets be serious who will do anything a fearful avoident needs .. its too much jus find a narcissist that's what everyone ends up with anyway
My question is after watching so many videos on fearful avoidance because I just got out of a relationship with 1 who in the fuck would want to date these people. They literally are assholes like their defense mechanism is to be an asshole who would want to date that I was very distraught over the end of this relationshipuntil watching so many videos and understanding the psychology no thank you have a nice life thinking you’re the center of the universe I will pass
My FA ex insisted on having a FWB, so the bit about trust doesn't really ring true.
Maybe he/she is DA
Everyone is different. There is a spectrum. FWB means they still are attached to you and miss the physical aspects but don’t want to get too intimate.
I WISH I was in that same situation. My FA ex and I got physical and the next day she told me she loved me, but then said if we hung out again it wouldn’t be romantic. She tried to friendzone me and I thought maybe it was a test or that maybe she wasn’t sure about if we should pursue a relationship again for x y z reasons. The heart of the FA lies in fear. I really really envy you. Not gonna lie. If you play it right, your FWB situation will likely lead to a relationship. Lucky you.
@@Gbb93I really dont think either situation is a win imo, I feel directness is the best way even if it risks pushing away theyll have to eventually confront the options and chose what they really value.
@@gatorssbm well yes you need to be congruent with what you want and be willing to walk away and mean it. Thats true confidence in yourself
@@Gbb93There may be some confusion. She said that our relationship ticked the physical, emotional, and intellectual boxes, but she didn't want to give up having FWB stuff with another guy. It's kinda hard to build trust in such a situation, especially when she readily admitted that the FWB guy didn't give anything to the level we had, but what he did offer was a lack of commitment. It was a self-sabotaging act I think to prevent her from getting into a relationship, because that terrified her.