What Happens When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant?
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- Опубликовано: 3 июл 2024
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Have you ever been overwhelmed and confused by someone pulling away and not sure why? In today's video, Thais Gibson shares the inner world of the dismissive avoidant avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) and why they are pulling away just when you think everything is going well. Watch now to find out why as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:22 - Feeling Minus Fears
00:04:03 - Personal Needs Course Promo
00:04:17 - Know Your Needs
00:04:45 - Communicate In the Positive
00:06:10 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our RUclips videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #UnmetNeeds #DismissiveAvoidantNeeds #AvoidantNeeds
When you stop chasing an avoidant, and put that energy you spent yearning for that person's validation and closeness into instead healing yourself, you find peace and contentment. When the avoidant inevitably comes around for the next brief fix, you no longer get that high from the attention and have the unwavering strength to say a firm and final no.
agree it's *so* crucial we work on ourselves rather chase others & i've actually found when i do that DAs often don't come around for a "brief fix" but feel safe enough for a more sustained connection
one thing i really appreciate about relationship dynamics with DAs is how they tend to naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure myself
of course, like *all* attachment styles *(including* secure) it ultimately comes down to the person because although attachment styles are incredibly helpful paradigms for understanding patterns, we're all *individuals* & capable of change 💜
Absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt ❤❤❤❤ agreed!!!
@@r_and_a I'm not sure I understand. May I ask why, after my successful healing journey, I would deliberately involve myself in relationships with unhealed people who are not doing the self-work?
@@ds37215i don't know you let alone why you would or wouldn't do anything - *especially* leaving comments devaluing entire attachment styles when you've supposedly had a "successful healing journey" 🤷
i said *nothing* about "unhealed people who are not doing the self-work" but actually *agreed* with you on the importance of "doing the self-work" 🤔 i simply shared *my* different experience & perspective
as i noted, it ultimately comes down to the individuals involved & explained why *i* personally appreciate dynamics with DAs naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure *myself* 💜
i actually think you probably should *not* involve yourself with *anyone* who isn't also perfectly healed in your eyes as it doesn't seem you have much respect, understanding or compassion for others who are *still* working on themselves ✌️
@@ds37215 don't know you let alone why you would or wouldn't do anything - *especially* leaving comments against entire attachment styles when you've supposedly had a "successful healing journey" 🤷
i said *nothing* about "unhealed people who are not doing the self-work" but actually *agreed* with you on the importance of "doing the self-work" 🤔 i simply shared *my* different experience & perspective
as i noted, it ultimately comes down to the individuals involved & explained why *i* personally appreciate dynamics with DAs naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure *myself* 💜
i actually think you probably should *not* involve yourself with *anyone* who isn't also perfectly healed in your eyes as it doesn't seem you have much respect, understanding or compassion for others who are *still* working on themselves ✌️
The only thing that should happen when you stop chasing an avoidant is... You learn how to self-soothe and self-regulate and learn to detach from people who are causing you a great deal of grief. Only then can you begin the healing and recovery process and move slowly towards healing, rather than chasing after someone who is completely unavailable. The goal should be healing 100%, and to stop prioritizing how the avoidant feels.
I can do that but how do I lessen the emotional blow. I'm strong enough to let go but it puts me in emotional hell.
I have found it beneficial to understand the behaviors of the others to help me learn why they're going to do what they do and know it's not me while also learning about how I could have handled things better in moments to move toward a secure, normal relationship if possible.
All that said, the time when apart is also well spent focusing on other things too, primarily other areas of your life that matter and make you feel good about yourself and life. I wish you the best - I know it's very hard.
Ironically, self-soothing is what avoidants do, and what they expect everyone to do.
@@pretty_d00med I know! I have spent the last several years in emotional hell. 😔 The only answer I really have is to learn how to develop a greater tolerance to pain and discomfort.
@@gregvanpaassen That's super on point. I think the difference is redirecting our energy towards our healing, and doing the things that are going to help us gain emotional clarity and self-mastery. Versus numbing, which is what she talks about a lot that dismissive avoidants do, because that's their coping mechanism...
I chased an avoidant for 6 years. She left me 7 times in the 6 years. The entire relationship was me trying to figure out how to make her happy and give her a great relationship. The only effort she put in was criticizing me and trying to find me doing something wrong. I will never date an avoidant again. Looking back it was a nightmare.
sorry for your experience 💜 hope pds helps you better understand not only why things went the way they did but how to work on your own issues so you're never in such a prolonged negative situation again
admittedly i always find it a bit strange when people reference a singular relationship, regardless of how unhappy it was, & take the lesson from it to be devaluing & dehumanizing an entire attachment style 🤔
That’s is… looking back you realize the nightmare you’ve put yourself through dealing with the person. It’s a wonderful feeling when the blinder come off. ❤
@@r_and_a❤
@jeffl8504 or maybe she was also a narcissist
Avoidants are so hard to deal with.
I finally told a DA that I am done chasing you. I will always care and have love for you. But, I can't be friends. I told her, I didn't hate them or I was angry at them. I told her, when you are ready to work on yourself and actually do the work. You know where to find me. But right now, this is goodbye-best of luck. I only wish the best for you.
That was one of the hardest things I had done. Walking away from someone I generally loved. But my needs weren't being met. I saw she seemed upset. But deep down, I know I did the right thing. My chest literally felt lighter.
I would be lying if there wasn't some form of hope. But I am working on myself. Getting in shape and focused on helping others as well as my finances.
Glad you didn’t self abandon. Now trying to build this courage
@@kagame6524 It is hard, I miss her. I can see what a good person she is and can become. But she doesn't want to work on herself. She likes playing the victim, saying, "I'm the bad person." I learnt how to be more of a man. Sadly, ladies, I have become a lot colder. You have to work harder to get me to open up since I will only open up to people I truly love and trust.
That's basically what I did. I got sick and tired of the breakup makeup routine with her. Everything was always my fault, and I was apologizing for HER behavior. I always walked on eggshells worried I would say a single word that would trigger her beloved silent treatment routine. I can give a rat's ass if I ever hear from her again. It's been 24 days now, I went four months before I'm not reaching out to her again.
Thank you for sharing. I feel like you described by experience and I just didn't know what else to do until I he ghost me and move on with someone else. It's been a rough ride but I'm working on me. Thank you for sharing, it really helps me . I appreciated it.
Going through the exact same thing. EVERY SINGLE THING was my fault according to her. She never, ever once looked at her own behaviour. No ability to self-reflect, no thought process. She just sabotaged the relationship. And it's crazy. I loved her, I got engaged to her. Soon after that, she destroyed us every way she could. Also, we were long-distance, which I hear is common with DA's. She effectively decided not to move and be with me, after promising she would. She destroyed everything we'd built up, then dumped ME.
I just had a whirlwind for a couple of years with a DA. If you're here because you're in the middle of one with a DA or FA, don't. Leave. The good things while you're together are not worth the games and the toying that they will use with you in between. Unless they are aware and are actively working, they will refuse to communicate, and you will get hurt. You cannot fix them. You cannot figure out what the right thing to do is that will magically make them happy and stable in their affections. You're not at fault. If you really really can't just walk away, be completely firm in your own boundaries. They will stretch them as far as they can, they will appeal to benefit of doubt, and they will take every advantage they can because ultimately they cannot help but see relationships as adversarial.
Dang! MIC DROP!!
(quite accurate)
👍🏽👍🏽
I think Personal Development School is so that we can learn from ourselves, where we have wounded behavior. If you are insecure and you expect you insecure partner to be better than you, it's not going to work. Having an attitude like "I will be secure when you meet my needs" is the wrong attitude with a partner.
Or even worse. They’ll actually show changes for a while, a few months usually, and then they retreat again and you’re left scratching your head what happened. It’s like an abrupt rejection, and it inevitably damages your self esteem.
So pressuring me into sending pics
Is that.. part of it?
I said no and distanced myself.
He left for a full week and now texted me „hey?“ twice, that is all
I’m sad
We
Are
Close
@@Seraphina93 no... I would say that on average, DA are less likely to ask for your photo and less likely to use force/obligation... What you describe is just an asshole-trait not a DA trait...
When you stop chasing they say ok bye and then you are left with all those feelings to deal with
That's been my experience with two DAs. I'm currently doing guided reprogramming to heal because both times hit a feeling I've had of being utterly disposable really hard. Intellectually, I hear and enderstand Thais saying that you don't see it but DAs care about you...but if there is literally _no indication whatsoever_ you had any kind of impact on their life, and the subconcious operates on emotions and images, how can we ever believe anything else but that we and the relationship meant literally nothing to the DA.
@@Shutzie27 yes I understand you yes it means something to them but you need to understand what love is for you is not the same for them.They can not perceive things with the emotional level we can I was going crazy around and around bc I was telling myself it is not possible I spend 17 years of my life for this but now I know if not my brain my heart is yelling this to me .They can not understand things deply as we do unfortunately so when DA Tells you that they love you it is not the same love you feel.My experience with my DA i tried very hard to a point I gave alot from myself now when I realise what has been happening I get the silent treatment and that I argue alot and that is not normal.If you are with DA you need to except not to be in touch with your emotions dont talk about what you except from a relationship then you will have a ok relationship while you are dying in your soul but no body is hearing you.With all tuis I also came to realisation that I have an anxious attachment personality so I need to also fix myself so I am not going to with people anymore who gives me breadcrumbs of love and when confronted make you feel like it your fault . Some of the DA S say they dont know they were hurting you while they can make all the adult decisions in their lives perfectly fine so they have the capability but when it comes to you it is not intentional .It is not an excuse
Depends
I feel like a lot of people click on these videos to find out how to get their ex back or their situationship to commit or whatever. In reality, this is the correct answer.
@@zurirobinson2749 I agree. I just wish most would pause the chase to work on themselves instead. Once I started healing my own attachment style, I no longer chased nor felt resentment.
Run. Run. Run. You can't build a house on a faulty foundation. They need help and you can't help them.
😢
When I stopped chasing after my DA boyfriend, and I gave him 90-100% of the initiative to connect and set the dates, the result is that he felt safe and unpressured. He had space to miss me, and be in touch with his desire for me. He reaches out to me basically every day and tries to see me regularly. He feels safer with me to ask for help and to share his emotions, and in turn, that has expanded his capacity to be there for me.
Happy for you. Once again, this is why avoidant men are much easier to understand than avoidant women. Because women expect the man to pursue (and women want to be pursued), this contradicts an avoidant’s nature.
@@Gbb93 as a woman who leans avoidant with AP men, what I want is for someone to be able to pace themselves and love with an open hand.
I react quite strongly to sensing someone has put me on a pedestal/has strong limerent and co-dependent qualities, uses covert-contract/tits-for-tats strategies, seeks sexual gratification quickly, shows entitlement issues, has issues conceiving of boundaries, is nice as opposed to kind, takes things too personally, plays testy games.
I do like to be pursued, but not by people who have such a helpless sense around personal individuation and boundaries. I want to be in this world and share this world together, but I don't want to become someone's whole world.
@@0Demiyah0 I have demonstrated unconditional love, patience, and understanding with an FA ex and she still pushed me away and gave me the “friendship” spiel after telling me she loved me and constantly thought of me over the 1.5 yrs we didn’t have any contact. Part of me feels like she just thinks there are greener pastures, and/or there was something missing that induced the “gut feeling” she had about severing the connection between us. I was angry for weeks thinking she said the L word to bait me into reciprocating, until I realized someone can 1) love you but not be in love and 2) you can even still be in love with someone but feel as though a relationship isn’t worth pursuing.
For reference, she dated a guy after me that would act jealous and controlling, going so far as taking her phone and blocking me. That seems pretty needy and insecure to me, whereas I never did things like that. Doesn’t make any sense. She still responds when I’ve messaged her out of purely goodwill, but never reaches out first. And my understanding is that space should cause an FA to miss you (if they love you/the connection) and want to reach out to you. But it’s always been me to initiate. Glad things are working out for you.
P.S. I think anyone can get anxious, regardless of attachment style. It’s a universal feeling.
@@0Demiyah0. Hmmm. I left a relationship last year with a woman who had this same mindset. She wanted to love me with only 75% of her heart and she expected me to do the same. I thought it was preposterous. Her cowardly DA posture forced me to break up with her. She thinks it’s strong to keep one foot out the door and not become too attached. On the contrary, It’s half ass and chicken shit not to love with your whole heart. Fear rules her life and decisions: fear of engulfment, fear of interdependency, fear of being reliable, fear of commitment, fear of falling head over heels in love, fear of true connection. She thought I had her on pedestal and that I wasn’t assertive. When I broke up with her, I asked her if that was assertive enough. She was in complete shock when I left her. She thought I would never go anywhere.
*thank you* for sharing your experience! i've had similar changes with my DA partner as i better understand & respect *their* needs because of the insight gained through pds 💜 like thais says, DAs fall in love with you during your absence as they often operate on "feelings minus fears"
personally really appreciate dynamics with DAs as they tend to naturally both encourage & reinforce working on becoming more securely attached as that helps them feel safer which ultimately is a win-win even if that particular relationship ends up not working out long term
They like you chasing them because it boosts their ego, and they get to continue devaluing and rejecting you. Once you finally give up, they guilt trip you like you dont care about them. Mind blowing!
Been there hahahahhahhahah ridiculous mind games
Mine throws the abandonment terms at me like I just up and left when she’s the one who caused and started this silent treatment crap and col distancing crap 🤦🏽♂️
@@cota6170 they have tantrums like 2 year olds.. that's basically what silent treatment is. They know you are left hurt and in confusion, while they have all the control over if and when the relationship gets un-paused. You are left wondering what the hell is going on, and when you finally say enough is enough and walk away, they have the audacity to get offended. How dare you not stay and keep begging them to talk to you, while they revel in your pain. They are emotionally abusive sadists... or they just don't even consider your feelings because they are so self absorbed and lack any empathy.
The biggest thing avoidants need to learn is communication is not lethal or harmful.
Unless you cheated or did something wrong.
Thing is, in their (our) childhood it *was* harmful. It takes a lot of experience of safety to get over that. And just one experience of it backfiring to slide all the way back.
@@gregvanpaassen exactly. ❤
Impact over intent.
You can't just ignore the avoidance persons behaviour is damaging other people.
You can't justify behaving like that because you were damaged as a child.
If anything, you know that pain all too well, if you can't be a safe person to another and don't want to be accountable and heal, the avoidance shouldn't even be involving a person into that hellscape, it's indecent and selfish.
How can the avoidant be ok with that, all you're doing is creating the same trauma of communication, being vulnerable and showing up authentically isn't safe. How does that make the avoidant any different from those who originally created that attachment in the first place.. and while they are hurting genuine people.
The Avoidence wants sympathy and understanding but won't even try to give the same in return and justify it with it's not their fault but yet do nothing to improve and move into a secure attachment.
@@tamaracampbell93 what I'm looking to understand is what do you mean by putting the other person into a hellscape? What are the actions? Why can't the partner of an avoidant view the relationship and the person as a whole and say "This isn't for me." and leave? When does the accountability kick in and you realize that you are choosing to stay with someone who you are incompatible with?
I know that's a lot of questions thrown out at once, but the reason I'm confused because as a healing FA/SA who has predominantly leaned avoidant, I break it off when I feel like we don't share similar boundaries, non-negotiables, and an understanding and acceptance of how we communicate. For instance, a lot of people get upset when their avoidant partner shuts down, but what they DON'T realize is that something you are doing might be triggering them to need space. Like if your tone is off when you're mad and you communicate something in an angry or accusing manner, that will make them shut down because they have a hard time handling conflict. Or if you are expecting too much out of them because that's what YOU want and need because that's what you think a healthy relationship should look like, but they don't do that so again they get the "Why bother?" attitude.
To me the whole point of the dating stage is to see if you're compatible enough to make the person a long-term partner. What confuses me is why people feel bitter and resentful towards the other person if they choose to stay when they have free will to leave. If I discover that a person is anxious leaning while we're in the dating stage, I know right off the bat I don't want this and I part ways. I have zero desire to work with someone who is my polar opposite so I end it.
EXACTLY!!!
Hahahaha. Communication? After being letdown 3 times in a row, I had the temerity to ask if they could let me know (preferably before 12pm) they weren’t going to keep their word and meet up… I was then discarded a few days later (I was having surgery so probably freaked them out).
Second time they’ve ghosted me, so no going back for me. This time I didn’t allow myself to attach and was wary (rightly so).
Feel nothing but relief he’s gone. Dumped his last partner as she “kept asking where I was going”….😂.
He’s 58, never had children, doesn’t work on himself and is a workaholic to keep the distance. The majority will never change
Spot on. My avoidant is an extreme workaholic and admitted that’s all he thinks about and uses it as a tool to distract from emotions.
It's hard for me to grasp the sheer impoliteness of not getting in touch with someone if plans change. I guess I was raised differently and I try to never be flaky nor leave someone hanging. I am 63 and seem to only ever come across people who have no idea what is considered rude in a social relationship. It's absolutely exasperating. So much so that I am pretty much done being hopeful about ever finding someone who knows how to be respectful to another human (that goes for female friendships as well...so many are acting so flaky these days). I would rather have no expectations than be constantly let down. (sorry, having a bad day today)
@@loverofbeautifulthings I'm 36 and was raised similarly to you. I can't fathom not letting someone know that you can't make it to something. People just aren't built right anymore.
Im breaking it off with an avoidant today. Thank you god/dess. I've been as supportive as possible, but I'm done with the emotional limbo. 6 months of daily, ongoing communication. No date.
Literally nothing happens when you pull away from them. They don’t care! They don’t reach out and you’re left with a whole heap of trauma and no answers on their cruel and confusing behaviour.
That’s IT
@@c.j3087 I keep thinking had I kept going with me putting in all the effort and me initiating all the texts and all the organising of catching up, maybe he would have stayed. But after a few months of continuing to step outside of myself and neglect myself to put in all the effort, well it turns out he took great delight in telling me to my face that he's seeing someone. It's like he wanted to see my heart break. Is he expecting her to reach out and organise dates? Is he expecting her to text first? I have NEVER in my whole history of dating had a guy that has such lack of follow through. And yeah, I can take the hint. But he went from asking if I wanted a relationship to HEY I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. I'm so confused. I blocked him on everything but it doesn't make the pain go away. By the way, he initiated asking me out and he pursued me. It was like he wanted me and he didn't at the same time. Then it was like he just leaned back and expected me to do everything. I have seen more maturity from guys in high school. I guess I learned a huge lesson.
This. I'm married to one and when I pull away she dgafs even more.
As a self aware DA I feel like I shoulder some responsibility for seeing my APs requests as what they really are even though they come across as criticism, but I struggle a lot. I constantly find myself on the defensive and then it quickly turns into attack mode. Without having an unreasonable expectation of my AP being AS self aware, what tools can I use to keep myself in an aware and present state as opposed to reverting to my own fight or flight state.
Try this. If you have someone you really love and trust, let them talk and answer their questions and concerns. Be open and vulnerable and let them know that you do love them and you're working on how you show it. Tell them you need time to trust and get close.
When you're feeling "controlled" or "smothered" tell them to be totally honest and ask them if they understand why you feel that way. They may say "yes, I'm trying to get closer". Then you can say, I need it to be a little slower so slack off a bit.
I think you'll find if you just communicate with your person and actually tell them how you feel, you'll see them turn down the intensity because you're communicating with them and they aren't in the dark and panicking. Good luck and I wish you the best.
@@hurricaneaquaticswell said. That is the key. Communication. That’s all I needed from my ex, and he was incapable. It was so isolating and disregulating constantly being confused by what he was feeling or needing. Even after it ended he kept reaching out here and there, and when I tried to be more vulnerable about how I felt would stonewall. Currently being stonewalled right now. It sucks. I’ve had to just cut my losses and am trying to be open to new love.
Like they said above, communicate exactly how you feel as uncomfortable as it may be. Most people like transparency so they can, at least, understand why you may do certain things or where you’re coming from. It can lead them to be more accepting. Also, when they come to you with a concern, although it may feel instinctual to go on defense, take a quick pause and just validate their feelings in that moment. But, once they’re in a good place, still advocate for yourself because I know it can be quite hurtful to DAs to feel criticized. That way, you’re making sure you’re being heard as well and not abandoning your needs. Express how their concern being addressed in a critical manner makes you feel and you both come up with a better way to bring them up. Since they’re less self aware, maybe try sending them some these videos on DAs to understand you better and they may start wanting to get curious about themselves
@@ccbowden19great answer. ❤
@@sadiqua7o
I am sitting in this exact place right now with my partner. She is wonderful and I love her so much, but I have been evaluating how we fit together. It has been so emotionally challenging. Thank you for content like this that helps me think critically about it.
Your insight has given me a great understanding of myself and my relationships. It has allowed me to grow and be a better partner.
Man that's alot of work to deal with a FA. I WILL.PASS
My DA left me. I went 100% no contact and it made no difference. She hasn't reached out in 6 months.
My DA left me too. I'm on the first day of no contact. I don't expect she'll ever come back. We ended quite badly. It was very messy. She sabotaged everything we'd built up. I wasn't blameless, but I got so angry and shouted at her big time in the end because of how she had been treating me.
OMG so timely my GF (now has broken up with me) is a total DA I have stumbled upon your videos and am blown away! I am really learning so much and mostly about myself (the people pleaser). As a healthcare professional I cant believe how much i dont know about attachment styles even after a book or two. This has helped a ton. this hit hard and i wish i had this insight to have better constructed a more meaningful approach to the relationship
So if they are actually attached how do they not feel lost when they leave for literally no reason, other than scared of the commitment is quite sad
They were attached to you when you were an object, but when you began becoming a person, you became a threat(to their fragile ego), and they must detach and put you out of their mind. Attachment comes and goes, while connection is enduring(even if a relationship ends). DAs had mothers who experienced them in a similar way. Their mothers could not see them as human beings with their own inner experiences because those experiences were too threatening to their mothers. So when a DA gets “too close” to a partner and starts to realize their partner is not an object, but a person with inner experiences, they feel threatened and run away. Now, after a while of not thinking of you, you might go back into the object category, but if you reunite, because they already have a basis for you as a person, they will likely start to feel threatened sooner than they did last time, if that makes sense. And at this point, now you have a basis for them as a threat too, as they have hurt you before. You’d have to be some sort of angel to be able to get back together with someone who has hurt you, and not expect it to happen again. That’s how we learn, after all. What I found that helps so much in dealing with this kind of partner is to live as much in the present moment as possible. Because when you start thinking about the past or future with them, you will think of pain, and so you’re both expecting the other to hurt you. They expect you to hurt them because everyone in their life has hurt them, while you expect them to hurt you because they have hurt you. Your feelings are more based in reality, but reality is irrelevant to them. So yes, when you are with them, be with them. Do not wait for the other shoe to drop. Do not wait for them to get into a bad mood. Reassure yourself that whatever happens, you can handle it.
@@katieandnick4113. Excellent post! I totally agree. Thanks for articulating this.
They don't see you as a person, they see you as an instrument
Keep up the good work, Thais! More and more of the population is becoming avoidant as the years go by, probably because more and more people were farmed out to childcare as infants. We need your work.
I love this explicit mention of (other) emotions minus fears. Learning to work with our fears by truly understanding them, and from that understanding being able to debase them, is sort of the way to go to truly get out of our own stuck emotional/ relational/ habitual patterns, in my understanding.
If a relationship isn't equal, roughly 50/50 from the word go, it isn't worth trying. It will only become more asymmetric over time. More sadly, some relationships are quite equal, but after the honeymoon phase wears off, the drift towards one-sidedness starts, perhaps spelling the beginning of the end. Commitment ought to carry the parties through this bad patch, but in line with the programming at large, one or both put feelings, fickle feelings, as the judge, and the moonlight promises of their heyday are thrown into the bin. Every strategem is then used to break down the concrete-like bond, and in the end, succeeds. Humans---anxious, avoidant, secure---we're a fascinating lot.
Well written. I agree, completely.
My wife is the one who did this. After the honeymoon phase she basically pushed me away and I was met with a lot of rejection and distancing behaviors. I fought for my needs and she changed some but ever since then there's been this crazy push/pull dynamic between us and it's fucking insufferable. Most of my days I'm angry because I'm married to a woman I cannot even communicate with.
@@smokingcrab2290 I can relate, and it's painful and frustrating. Try giving her space, letting her come to you, and see if that helps. Remember, you be the mountain that the sea can't shake!
Thanks!
I’m not sure the title matched the content but Thankyou!
Before watching I already know the answer: peace, closure, self-respect, dignity, a brighter and better future.
My mom is the ultimate DA. Very cold. No emotions. You can give her years of space..doesn't work. I'm lucky to get a hug. Shes 86!
Tbh...went through it this Monday.
Started dating a girl in Nov. We were meeting every day, sex was great, wild nights till 3am...
...then suddenly her birds in Jan (she's a bird lover, has 7 or 8) got frustrated with the lack of attention. They started attacking, biting, scratching, plucking...
She immediately focused on them. We barely met - maybe once a week. Always tired, angry and frustrated.
Offered to help with vet bills. She refused. She complained about not having time to even do shopping. Offered to include them with mine. Refused. Told her whether she'd like if I pop over to her house so we meet and still not leave them alone? Nope.
She got cold, aloof, distant. Messages (answered hours after) were usually single words. Calls stopped.
Then on Monday she texted out of nowhere she's fed up of the relationship and that I wasn't there for her.
I mean...what..?
She's for the streets
Just let her go, trust me, not worth the effort. Pull your energy back to you, and absolutely no contact, nothing. Unless she reaches out to you, do not contact her, and even if she does reach out, make your answers short and sweet, just like you would with any other person in your life that you arent actually friends with. Do not bend or break.
She wanted emotional support you offered practical support
Oh I've been there. Someone asked me for space and then got irritated that it was too much space.
@@suziesmith9076 It did cross my mind.
But to provide emotional support....we have to meet, text or communicate at least. And not terse, tense, one-word messages (if I'm lucky).
So I offered the second best thing.
Amazing😊
Thanks
Needing consideration and thoughtfulness. Transparency. Curiosity and empathy. Emotional availability which looks like they share their inner process and not just go to facts or outter world events. More Personal. Vulnerability care trustworthiness. Also support when others are around too. Understand hurt anger and upset around being dismissed and avoided. Responsiveness with small things matters too.
Finally decided to no longer chase and break all contact. It has been two months now and not a word. We broke up 4 times in a year and it was never clear until now. Don’t worry about chasing her my guys. Focus on you! All of this after she stated she prayed for someone like me to enter her life, had her daughter refer to me as Dad, talked of wanting to buy a home together and get married. All of this and then broke up and blocked on the same day. Total tornado of emotions and questions.
Thank you for yet another great video, Thais ❤ my FA/DA ex texted me after 3 months of no contact. I replied and immediately he started texting me hundreds of messages a day and bombarding me with attention. I told him I really needed him to show me through his actions (not just words) he meant everything he was telling me (He said he missed me and missed "us"). Because we are long distance from each other atm, he then said maybe we should just talk again in the summer, when he can actually show me through his actions that he wants to make up to me and after that wrote very little. I was so confused by that. He added that "I am an incredibly person and deserve everything I want in life". I am so confused. If he truly likes me that much, why would he want to stop speaking until summer?
I’m beginning to think no matter how secure you are a DA that is not working to improve their attachment style will always avoid. You can communicate in all the “right” ways, be non-accusatory, use “I” statements, give space etc. and the DA will still ghost.
I’m not in a relationship with one, just friends, I would NEVER be in a relationship with one. Im glad when we don’t talk I have my own life, but it is still disappointing, when work gets tough for them their work matters more than you. I guess they see it as work will always be there, that is their identity, so it matters more than people.
I have recently discovered that even when you are just friends with a DA they will still ghost you/stand you up for a planned get-together. And yes, they often use work as a shield to get out of social obligations (friends and family).
All of this has been my experience as well from dating one DA. Don't think I'll ever try that again.
Or Covid.. what an excuse lol
This is my experience with a DA too. I didn't take the ghosting personally because I did nothing wrong. Their perception is that they don't deserve some of the things we do for them because they fear we might leave them if we got to know the "real" them. It's just sad
You're right. There seem to be too many videos helping them see that it is really disorder they have.
Finally decided to no longer chase and break all contact. It has been two months now and not a word. We broke up 4 times in a year and it was never clear until now. Don’t worry about chasing her my guys. Focus on you!
When I stop chasing hevjust continues to move on with his life and forgets me
Hi Thais! With your new video format it is so engaging but the jingle doesn’t fit in continuity anymore!
I am so tired of avoidants! With mine we have been on and off for nearly 5 years. Yesterday when I visited him his neighbour offered him food. I asked him who it is and why she’s doing that and whether she’s single. He got so angry with me. I am sooo tired… can’t even ask questions and have to walk on eggshells constantly. I’m going no contact. Can’t be asked anymore.
hope you stay strong
This video helps confirm that I did the right tub by hiring a dating coach while I was in college. The number one thing he taught me was to NEVER chase. I put myself out there and walked away when interest wasn't reciprocated. In addition, he taught me to remain "drama free" by recognizing that a woman doesn't care about how you feel about her; just how she feels about YOU. It allowed me to vet women properly and I can honestly say I haven't been played or strong along in almost 20 years. I'll always be thankful for finding that wonderful coach (who now has one of the most popular channels on RUclips)!
Found a wife in those 20 years?
@@suziesmith9076no cuz he does'nt chase 😂
@@suziesmith9076 no I haven't. I decided that I wouldn't get married until I reached the age of 40 and had accomplished all of the goals I've set for myself (retiring from the Corporate world and making a six figure income in my business). Funny, I just accomplished this goal this year at the age of 37, so perhaps now I can be more intent on finding a wife. 🤷🏿♂️
@@theprotagonist9384 how long have you been chasing your partner? 🤣
@@sifublack192 I would say, perusing is necessary for men. It is not the same as chasing, but a lot of people get the two confused.
pursuing someone who seems like they feel the same way about you and chasing after someone who clearly has no interest in you or a real relationship.
I was wondering if all these dynamics of the anxious attachment style can be seen in a friendship as well as the romantic relationships you speak about? I would love a video on specifically addressing this in a friendship.
My avoidant wife just pulled the plug on our marriage of 16 years. She put me though hell for years and years and i was constantly confused about where i stood. Its a nightmare tbh
I'm in the same boat. Going on 5 years now. I hate it. I'm sorry brother.
I took the attachment style test which said I am FA, but I don't behave like you describe avoidants and find these videos confusing because of that. Once I'm in, I'm in and communicate, work on relationship, etc as long as the other person does the same. It's getting me to trust them enough to take a chance on the person in the first place that is the issue, not being hot and cold, distant emotionally, etc. once I have. Those seem like narcissistic traits.Once I take the leap, I only shut down if my partner becomes emotionally unavailable, doesn't make an effort to communicate,, pulls back unexpectedly, etc. Even then, if they are willing to discuss why they did pull back or whatever, I am willing to work on it and engage unless it becomes a pattern at which point I'll end the relationship. I only give so many chances because of abandonment history that began as a child with my parents, was exacerbated by cheaters, narcs and an ex who un-alived himself.
I would like to see what exactly to say. For example my last guy was an FA and didn’t give me a lot of togetherness. How would I set that boundary with a timeline without sounding like a micromanager?
What if you open up about your needs and makes your partner she’s not always enough with you. 😢
Like you opening up about your feelings, if your needs being met? How about our partner? Our meeting their needs too?
Guys I caught onto the fact a guy I was talking to for 3 months is DA. I feel good! It was long distance so we never had sex.
I'm so proud of myself, I am not pursuing this. As we were getting closer then suddenly the excuse of "being busy" came up. Earned secure here, not chasing 😊 reciprocity only!
What does earned secure mean, it sounds like something I should know more about
@@F3ND1MUS "earned secure" is when one developed an insecure attachment style (DA, FA or AP) rather than secure attachment style "naturally" due to what they experienced however has done the work they needed to so have now "earned" a secure attachment style despite having previously developed an insecure one
thais is an "earned secure" / "healed FA" & there are coaches with the personal development school who are "earned secure" a#ter having developed other insecure attachment styles.
hope that helps!
Does an 'avoidant' ever accept tgat someone is in love with them, realise the obstacles and uphill work their (non avoidant) partner is having in trying to manage every word, affection, touch, timetable and by then a ' less purer version of what is love' for avoidants?
All we want is to share ourselves, and live fulfilling life experience with the one we fell in love with. Yet their thoughts, feelings and the 'truth' to build with a committed partner in what I simply call a real loving commitment' relationship is bei g selfish.
They're just wasting the partners time. Because all theyre everr doing is 'nit-picking' and trying to find any excuse they can find, any flaw in a partner to just sanotage the ' said relationship'
In SUMMARY
Do they, will they EVER want a loving relationship?
They take all of their baggage out on you and they give the best of themselves to whoever hurt them
i stopped chasing him and it took him 15 days to reach out to me, he reached out again after two days and left me on read i didnt reach out, then he reached out again five times things were going good btw us. he said he would called me up the next day but he didnt cos apparently he was watching a movie, for which i had to question him twice. by now i was done with him. i told him abt my feelings for him and it took him hours to respond, he said he didnt have any romantic feelings for me, i said to him goodbye he said he will always be there for me whenever if i chose to reach out to him and said lets just be friends, to which i didnt agree and went into no contact. after 40 days he unfriended me and put me on restriction. simply this is what happens when u dont chase a da and when u dont folllow them according to their terms of how they want u to be in the relationship. no consideration for our needs or feelings.
This particular guy will definitely be back eventually, even if it's a year or two from now. I can tell from what he said. Consider blocking him everywhere now so you don't fall back into this.
None of this attachment style stuff is relevant to someone you're not romantically engaged with. He's not DA, he was just never interested in you in the first place. There's a massive difference.
@@Theviewerdudethe first line of her comment leads me to believe she's only given us a snapshot of their history, so I think we can't say for sure that he's not DA. Attachment styles apply to all relationships, not just romantic, but friends and family, too. I have had platonic friendships with avoidant women, and my 2 relationships and 1 situationship were all with avoidant guys. One of my favorite relatives (cousin) is avoidant. I do agree with you that he's not interested. It's best to take ghosting, pulling away and resurfacing as lack of interest. I accept my cousin as she is, but now I block everyone else who acts this way and move on without overthinking it.
Right, they want everything on THEIR terms!!!! Period!
Could you make a video about coparenting with an avoidant ex and if they resist limiting communication to text only
unforuntately didn't have such a good experience with them - the charging scheme was not clear and was charged 67 USD when I did not explicitly agree to it. Tried to appeal it but they seem to say it was legit.
Thais please do a video that addresses how to deal with an avoidant spouse while living together and they deactivate. How to do no contact
I’m living this myself. Love her videos but dislike that a lot of them address dating, and not necessarily long term commitments like marriage. I’ve had people say they’re the same, but I disagree.
There are lots of videos on Thais's channel about these. It might take you five minutes to scroll through them all. Click on the words "The Personal Development School" below the video. Then click on the heading videos and scroll through. If you're on a phone or tablet, find a laptop first.
@@Mac_D83 I'm not married or dating, but I don't understand how someone can think those two relationship dynamics are the same.
maybe they not that into you, they don't know what they had, and they gone, sad, but true, you are valuable, everything is alright, u do u, lov
They're not into anyone who actually likes them. Everything is on their terms. That's not love.
@thaisgibson
You often say “feelings minus fears”.. which would leave feelings, which would mean they operate on feelings. Don’t you mean fears minus feelings? Which would leave operating in fears..? That would make more sense , that the DA is operating from fears NOT feelings. What am I missing?
I would take that to mean “feelings are X”… “fears are 2X”. That makes the net value -1X, which is a deficit in that respect, which means the avoidant will act on the fears rather than the feelings. Whereas if Feelings are 2X, and Fears are 1X, you still have Feelings at +1X, which is a net positive, so they’re not overwhelmed by the fears.
she has explained it like this, if the "feelings" of an avoidant (DA *or* FA) are at an intensity of 8 & their "fears" are only at the intensity of a 5 then feelings minus fears still equals a positive 3 so they're more likely to keep engaging
OTOH when the intensity of "fears" grows more than the intensity of "feelings" (frustratingly, the intensity of feelings themself can also increase the intensity of fears) then "feeling minus fears" equals a "negative" which often leads to withdraw
withdrawing can often help the "fears" reduce to the point "feelings minus fears" returns to a "positive" result (ie feelings are more intense than fears) so they're more comfortable trying to connect again
hope that helps
This is exactly how I see it, the other explanations are so convoluted that it still makes no sense to me!
I agree. it’s confusing.
Let's say we are working on a scale of 1 to 5.
Let's say feelings are at 5.
And fear is at 1.
So, feelings minus fears would be 5 - 1 = 4.
So, everything is okay, and the avoidant is not going to run away.
However, let's say the feelings are at 4, but then they get really scared because the relationship is too close, and the fears are at 5. So, 4 - 5 = -1.
If the number is in the negative, they are going to run, Run, and RUN away. In short, if the fear is greater than the feelings, they are gonna RUN and HIDE.
Ads ! Ads ! Advertising ! Jump to 4:14 for the content :)
Does your attachment style quiz no longer give percentages or did I do the wrong one? I was hoping to see if I've moved/healed at all. Thank you!
There's other ones you can find online. I never saw percentages with hers, but I've definitely seen them on the web.
I have a DA and I more he cares, I see the in and out he does…
But what if I don’t text him for hours and hours.
What’s his thoughts and feelings likely to be line?
Do you have any videos on mother wounds?
Also I was DA then FA due to severe complex trauma. I was more successful in a relationship as FA. Now earned secure..
The DAs who refuse to work on themselves? LEAVE. I unintentionally hurt a lot of people, it's not worth it!
Nice work to heal. Curious what prompted you to do the self work
@@kagame6524I looked in the mirror and realised I did not like what I saw. I remembered who I was before the trauma and wanted to be that loving young girl again. I was also in a relationship and saw that I was hurting him. I was agnostic at the time but prayed for help...I couldn't go on that way anymore. My father died and that made me revaluate everything. I wish you well on your journey 😊
First break up -> sad so happy when we made up
Second -> didn’t take him seriously he came back I stonewalled him
Third -> he blocked me a week I laughed when he came back and said he wouldn’t leave anymore
He hasn‘t
Yet
Now nothing since my birthday April 11,
But they post songs every two days which I don’t read.
This was kind of common knowledge, but actually it doesn’t really correlate to the title of the video.
I agree, I don't think she really answered the question in the title
What do I do if I bump into a DA in the street? How do I act? (We are neighbours 🙈). If he ever DOES come back......what do I say? My heart is broken 😢
just say no. they're a drug - the high is nice but not worth the withdrawal. And there will always be a withdrawal.
Super interesting but precisely for the love of god SLOW DOWN!!!! You master those concepts, we don not. No time to process each idea as you're already uttering the next. Please.
When they are Narasstic! Of course gaslighting!
Say it's all in your head 😂
You move on and start to feel happy again.
fell into limerence with a DA due to my ignorance ....today I'm starting to gain my self respect and dignity . I would never get even close to this unscrupulous, intolerant kind ...Let them be someone else problem . Those that break you will never fix you.
i dont get that how it can be they have a child and en ex relationship of 20 years, how can it be he did not chance ??? how can you a parent and an avoindent ? i just dont get it, he is 48 and a dad, you would think they should be more secure after all that time??
You are taking in 1.5 speed 🙂
😂😂😂😂😂
Getting involved with DA is just waste of time, trying fix what you personally can not fix. They must do it themselves what is very hard and takes long time. Are you willing to wait for all that time losing your dignity and nerves?? Move on and give them space of Universe. Hopefully watching YT videos about DA helped me spot this behavior by potential girl very soon not to waste time. I met her after long time of no contact and talk with her and all got after short polite conversation was her rage. I asked her what was wrong and she even didn't want to explain. I just turned around and walked away. Block. Delete. Move on.
not giving into them honestly amuses me
In my opinion DA/FA and AA simply doesn't work you guys.... One triggers tf out of the other.
You did three videos on this already
I would like to understand the issue with narcissistic person.. without the big scary monster view on it lol. The idea that they are deeply full of shame. Would dealing with them mean to validate their value beyond their mistakes or just not communicate at all? I’m not sure they are cooling down like a toddler after a tantrum playing in their room alone or do they sit in shame feelings afterwards. I’m basing this off learning they actually go back and forth from feeling a fake perfect to a deep amount of shame when triggered
Check out Dr Ramani or Sam Vaknin’s channels, they do a lot on narcissistic people. This channel focusses more on attachment styles rather than personality disorders. Look specifically for narcissistic mortification.
Avoidants will make the shittiest of partners. They will make even the most secure person feel insane. I'm married to an avoidant and it's hell. I am constantly blamed for her pulling away and she always has a convenient excuse. Communication with her is a minefield. And if I ever stand up for my needs in the slightest, it's met with her pulling away again. You will be made to feel selfish and needy just for wanting a baseline level of reciprocation in the relationship. Wana touch, talk, kiss, make love, etc? Forget about it. You always have to be there when they need you, but they're never there if you need them. It's too late for me. I'm married with a kid. But if you're with an avoidant and you can break it off clean, just fucking run. They are not worth it and you will never out love their issues.
If i didn't chase my DA/FA, she would lose attraction to me...
Yep, that’s because gender identity trumps attachment style.
@@Gbb93 what do you mean?
@@Alan-lb8ef Women aren’t going to pursue men. Especially avoidant women.
Thais is a lovely name. What does it mean? Are you saved? These DA issues are spiritual in origin. Unclean spirits ( demons) according to the Bible. Good news is that Jesus can help with all our issues.
It's really hard to understand what you're saying when you talk the way you do it's really annoying tbh
Not wild on the new format, I find the clips incredibly distracting to content. Love the content, obviously your media group are following the information … but feels more human when I see your face.
Yes, same. I would rather just read a transcript than see images of people doing things that may or may not relate to the content. But hey, it's free and Thais is the boss.
Finally decided to no longer chase and break all contact. It has been two months now and not a word. We broke up 4 times in a year and it was never clear until now. Don’t worry about chasing her my guys. Focus on you! All of this after she stated she prayed for someone like me to enter her life, had her daughter refer to me as Dad, talked of wanting to buy a home together and get married. All of this and then broke up and blocked on the same day. Total tornado of emotions and questions.