Every 5-6 months for almost 6 years. Yes, the cycle is a real thing. I had enough. Especially when 1 year ago, she promised communication, therapy and more. 3 months in the slow fade started, by month 6 she was telling me all sorts of disrespectful things all over again. I deserved better.
Its really disgusting, their level of disrespect and passive aggressive demeaning comments. If you did these things to them, they'd be in a puddle of tears on the floor. I just broke up with my DA ex 7 weeks ago, and my anger is BOILING. So many things I'm about to say in an email that she'll never forget, and be impossible to avoid and run from.
@@Cre8Fire34 Trust me in respect for what you may be feeling, the words don't mean anything to them, not at least for what they are willing to show, especially to give you any satisfaction that they may know you are right, but for anything that will make them sorry for their actions, it's just not going to happen. If anything they can and may use your words against you just to strengthen their own behaviors and actions against the relationship. They get into this phase where they want you to act out and say things in response (even though they were the offenders causing disrespect) it can then reinforce their decisions against the relationship, which don't really matter. The level of insanity, madness, anger, depression and more that D.A.'s can cause someone to feel because of how unhealed they are inside is brutal. Hurt people, hurt people. One of the most alluring and beautiful individuals I knew and had a phenomenal relationship with just to abandon, dismiss, sabotage and destroy everything piece by piece. It's literally the most insane thing I've experienced. No matter what level of support, and no matter how calmly I approached things, no matter how many times I told myself I was the problem and let her tell me the same, or gave up people, friends, experiences and more just to cater to her canceling and abandoning plans with me for family and more, and on and on and on. The way they will make you crazy by way of sabotage... I just can't describe. No matter how many times and ways you can reassure them you will literally do anything and everything for the relationship with actual actions to their words; that will never be enough. It's borderline narcissim in it's own way and... I just can't recommend enough to save your own dignity from anything already lost and don't send the email. They won't read it anyways, and if they do they'll act like they didn't, or just cause you of harassing them and potentially set you up for greater issues in life. Peace to you. 🕊️
I used to wonder why people entertain these chaotic, on again, off again relationships. I always knew instinctively it would be problematic and when I'd break up with my exes, friends would ask me "are you getting back with her?" I was always puzzled by that question and would answer,"no, she's an ex for a reason!" That said, it's always important to learn from your patterns and decide whether or not someone is worth investing in for the long term. I do notice that the older I get the less patience I have for chaos. Once you learn to attach yourself to peace, you'll flee from chaos like the plague.
Currently in No Contact after he slow faded me. I can not and will not be going back to him. My heart, head and Spirit can't take it anymore. I know everything I need to know about Avoidants and I will not subject myself to it anymore. I still love and care about him, but I will now take all of that and put it into myself. I pray for him and wish him good luck in his future endeavors.
What she teaches and explains sbout DAs is dead on. I just got abruptly dumped after 10 months. She did exactly these things. She was not aware until right after the split when I forwarded several of these videos. She acknowledged the went back into denial and pulled away for good. Its on her. Im so relieved. Unnecessary stress on and off the whole time. And she tried to blame it on me last we spoke.
My experience is that DAs absolutely will sabotage and completely ruin, by every means necessary, their relationship with a partner. And never do any of the inner work to heal and work on themselves. They'll just go on to the next relationship that they will inevitably sabotage and ruin.
I've had different experiences with DA's. If anything, when I was an unhealed FA, I was the one sabotaging my relationship with my DA. This man never gives up on me and hasn't dated anyone else in years. I have a couple of friends that are DA and if for any reason they wanted out, it was because they didn't feel the same connection the other person was feeling. That was more in the early dating stage like maybe 3 to 6 months. Sometimes up to a year. But the ones they truly felt a connection with, they remained with and stayed loyal.
This has been my relationship for the last 5 yrs! On again off again! If I didn't absolutely love this girl, I would've been done years ago! And yes currently we are off again! It is a horrible and gut wrenching cycle!
I’m going through the same exact thing as you. 4yrs and it’s been the back and forth. Just last weekend we were together and she was telling me she loves me, touching my heart as we slow danced in kitchen saying I see you. 2 great days then she just flipped and now I’m blocked, after her saying she needs space to heal and doesn’t want anyone.
@@humanchee1 Exactly! The weekend before we split we had went to an OU spring football game. Had drinks took pics at the game and then came home and enjoyed a nice evening! Within 4 days were done!
Have you looked into why this happens as and what you can do to fix it? I don't think on and off is that horrible as long as it's not because of fighting and having a tumultuous environment.
I made it to the 6 month stage. Then the "busy" signal kicked in, lol. A few months of that and the occasional breadcrumbs followed. Then, the slow fade began until I finally cut it off and went NC. It's been 5 months now. Almost forgot she started seeing someone else during the slow fade.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy Perhaps give it a week or so and then send a basic message. I meant my comment in a more general sense, in that when an avoidant is distancing, it doesn't help to chase or solve the problem. The best thing to do is nothing, giving space. I'm sorry you and your partner/friend are going through this. I hope it all works out.
@@GeoffreyAngapa Thx, appreciate that. Do they ever apologize? I definitely feel that HE should reach out, and apologize, but I’m not sure that he will.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy My experience is more with FA, but honestly, apologies are rare. And you're right: if he made insensitive remarks, its up to him to apologise, not you. He may come back acting like nothing happened because DAs generally don't want conflict.
I’ve been in a 4 year relationship with my DA. She has said that she tries to not make it work since the beginning. Then she went on a cheating run and coming back to me crying and telling me it was you I thought about, no one compares to you. Just last weekend after 6 months gone she invites me over. We connected with her kids. We danced in the kitchen and she placed her hand on my heart and said I finally see you. Told me I love, and I said don’t say it if you don’t mean it, she looked me in the eyes and said it again. 2 days of greatness and like a Switch, cold and distant. Ignoring me, now blocked. It’s just sad. The day I left for work, she went out on a boat with her and her kids with a “friend” and didn’t even say goodbye to me.
@@Cre8Fire34why? They also tell you that it’s just a “friend” and there is nothing to worry about.....until you realize they are lying. Then you question them and they admit to it but they convince you it’s not cheating because there was not a commitment to a relationship......which they never actually commit to. Then you justify it to yourself and so on.....I’ve been there.
When you're in a relationship with a narcissist these characteristics will come out in an overwhelming manner. I have learned a lot about myself from such a relationship. To get out of that and heal and overcome those characteristics is powerful in becoming who I want to be. To escape the narcissistic abuse is the first step.
I really appreciate this video - I have been searching for advice on how to help a DA heal because I do want this relationship. Everyone in the comments always villainizes DAs but some of us, who are healing anxious types, actually care about their healing journeys and want to give them the safe space to explore their fears so they CAN heal. It’s been taking a lot of growth on my part to even have the strength and security to be okay with myself when he is pulling away out of fear, but now I feel like I can operate out of empathy instead of scarcity.
Yeah this on and off cycle with avoidants is true. Right now mine is going through some stressful times with her grandmother and she needs space and then after she’ll come back it’s been going on like this for almost 2 years. There’s always something going on with them you just have to learn not to take offence with the space and accept it.
@@LeeChrissy Exactly and there’s nothing wrong with that. In the beginning I used to get angry because I didn’t understand and I made the situation worse but now I know it’s a pattern. It’s part of her needs just like any other avoidant that needs to self regulate.
@@djcapela you have a very healthy perspective. We can't help how we feel originally, but you figured out why they do this and give grace and that's a beautiful thing.
@@LeeChrissyit does take a long time to understand how an avoidant operates but you win them over by gaining their trust slowly overtime and supporting them with space.
@@djcapela 100%! I'm a healed FA and it's VERY hard for me to let people in emotionally. My DA is the only man in my 40 plus years that I've ever trusted aside from my dad. I can say that I believe the feeling is mutual. We've been friends for decades, but it was hard for him at first when we started dating. I'd say it wasn't until the 2nd year that he started letting me in and now he's completely vulnerable with me. It's actually really sweet.
My DA & I have separated and I miss him so much. He is doing his PDS work as am I and I am feeling more hopeful about the future. However after 14 years of this stuff I know that I've just absolutely had enough of it. So I don't know if it's realistic to try again because I know that the first time he stonewalls me or dismisses my feelings I'm just going to be completely fed up. I am fed up with it. I just don't know. It's all so overwhelming. 😢
Help! I met a great woman. She was SOO fast to fall in love, used words like “enamoured” to describe how she felt. Got a picture of us framed within a month of dating. Would text a lot and say how bad she missed me and wanted to be in my arms. Even talked about how she would marry me and “take care of my heart forever”.. all was great and we spend a LOT of time together during the first 3 months. Then a massive shift - she had soo much happening in life and felt she couldn’t balance everything. Now it’s been a few months where her texts have dropped off, she doesn’t use loving language anymore in texts like before, she says she’s needs me to be patient. When we are together (less frequent than before) it’s nice, we are sexual and she’s a little more “romantic” in her language. But after there are no texts unless I initiate? She’s had a sad past, terrible ex partners and child hood trauma.. I’m struggling to determine if she’s an avoidant type? Or something else? It’s been SO hard feeling like I was her “everything” and have it change to feeling like I don’t matter nearly as much.
My DA and I have had an on and off again cycle. Things never get bad with us. I just need to step away because of life. We also haven't been on the same page on a couple of things, but whenever we reunite we are more in sync. If I saw a decline in his growth I may think differently, but he gets better and better. He...we...just have to heal and grow at our own pace. Sometimes that requires being by ourselves to figure it out. But ..here we go again! Lol ❤️
They call me a yoyo. But i met someone with abandonment issues. He said he loves me because when i leave i always come back. When he ignores me and stops calling I try first calling him then i move on. Then he comes back and we just give each other the peace sign. Its crazy but i understand his hurt and he understands ill be back.
This makes sense in a newly developing relationship, but what about like in my case, where we've been together for 20 years, and this cycle has reared its ugly head in the last 2 years? It's very clear we've ALWAYS been an Anxious Preoccupied (myself) & Dismissive Avoidant (him) dynamic, but it hasn't gotten out of hand until the last 2 years. I do not want to lose him, so I'm willing to do almost anything to fix this. He doesn't seem as keen, but will say he doesn't want to lose me. What do you do in that situation!!!???!!!???
Both making a commitment to setting goals according to your attachemntstyle towards yourself and the other and evaluating how things are going to break a toxic cycle. If there is no work done from the avoidant you need go set a deadline till when he has. In the meantime you work on filling your own cup focussing on your own healing, hobbies and friends. Also in frienship you can practice your growth work. You both are willing to grow or this isn't going to work. That's at least what I think is what I've learned from all this attachementstyle stuff. I feel like anxious women are very fast in finding new partners anyways. But focus on becoming more secure so you'll get in healthier relationships :).
I’m at 7.5 months and it’s starting to turn … This is our second time first time was 1.5 years He said he doesn’t think he can do it He was doing so well But then on Tuesday he said he is tired of trying to fit in he just wants to do him !!! He tells me he loves me every day He is very affectionate with me But then he said my needs are realistic and they are not difficult or demanding but doesn’t know if he can do it Leave me ALONE ffs it’s embarrassing!
Off and on for 4 years, then she basically tried to gaslight me and that was the final straw. It's been almost 9 months and although I do think about her, I do not want to get back together because I know she's done no work on her own personal growth so that vicious cycle would happen again
Second breakup in two years She Reached out yesterday. "I have healing to do but i really want you as my friend. Our bond was deep . I need to learn to love myself . No-one has loved me in such a pure way as you have . Injust couldn’t receive it " She had cancer and a mastectomy and poor body image of herself. SO what do I do .. im in a good place emotionally and mentally
I would stick it out with her. She’s had a lot on her plate that would’ve affected her. But I think you need to be there only as a friend and support, being open yourself to anyone who will match your efforts.
"I really want you as my friend" sounds like a red flag to me. Unless you don't care about physical intimacy. Bring it up. Be gentle, but don't hold your tongue when it comes to your needs & wants.
If you spin it into a positive then you might think differently. I absolutely love blunt people. I trust them more. They say the first thing that pops into their head. If it's mean, then no. That's not okay. But if it's just an honest observation, I'd prefer their raw thoughts over sugar coating.
@@LeeChrissy no. It was lewd. AND other comments that he has strong opinions on, and even tho he may be right, a callous disregard that we were talking about my child, something that was done in the past that cannot be changed, so why keep worrying me? TOO BLUNT. Not always “a positive.”
@@JustMeAndMyBoy yeah I'm a protective mom and don't like anyone giving me any tips on my child. Even if it's gentle. I'm just not interested. Pretty much anything else likely wouldn't bother me unless it was absolutely obscene. But our opinions may differ on that.
Can this on again off again go on for a very long time, i.e., decades? FA leaning DA here with an AP. I feel like if both of us were to commit to becoming secure, we would reach a final resolution as to yes or no.
@franceslynn5537 do you mean that being in a long term relationship with a DA has resulted in your own attachment becoming DA? If so, what was your attachment prior to this? I've had a 3 year involvement with a DA and because of learning to understand him I discovered attachment styles: I was definitely FA, now largely secure but can identify some stronger DA traits in myself too now, as I still struggle to cope with his behaviour at times.
@@yellowtheresunshine I've been a FA my whole life so I used to flip back and forth. I went through PDS and did the work to become secure, but I think I healed more of my anxious and less of my avoidant side. The anxious side was more important for me to heal because anxiety causes me physical medical issues. I'm comfortable in my secure/avoidant side I only date people who are similar so no one gets hurt over not getting their needs met with me.
You have to put them aside for a sec, write down your boundaries and non-negotiables and be realistic on whether you think he can ever meet your standards. Everyone is always so focused on the other person but rarely focused on their own happiness. You can't tell him anything. You can't fix him. Fyi, I love dating DA's because we meet most of each other's needs, but that's why it works. If you have more needs than he can provide than you're only going to hurt yourself.
I was saying that it depends on the DA, their personality type and also their level of interest sometimes. My DA is great at meeting my needs. The thing about it is they can't feel pressured to do it. They have to want to. I'm not shy either so I will specifically ask or suggest if I need to. Never in an accusing way like "You never do this." More like "Babe, mind if you can..."
I’m always the one to reach out during these frequent long breaks after an argument, out of compassion for his issues. I felt he was incapable of initiating. Thankfully he is always receptive. 🙏 But is that actually true??? CAN THEY / DO THEY reach out?? Or is mine just spoiled rotten?
To those who have been judging dismissive avoidants, please dont act like you dont dont have flaws that might or will sabotage a relation. You are not perfect. Wake up
No one is saying that they're perfect. In all honesty people are just tired of the way avoidants treat them. If avoidants didn't act the way they did mostly, no one would be complaining.
I have been going through this dance with my DA partner on and off for almost 11 years. Just a few days ago I decided it was finally time to let go. I hope I am doing the right thing and I am going to REALLY try. I want and deserve more. Beautiful man inside and out but I cannot continue to do this. Thanks, Thais ❤️🩹
Same here. I've known him for 30 years. Been in and out of each other's lives for the last 20yrs. But we've been in a romantic dynamic (again) for the last 3 yrs. I ended it yesterday hoping I did the right thing as well. Time will tell. Fingers crossed 🤞🏾🙏🏾
@@SK-no2pp I am not currently in therapy but have talked with a therapist in the past about this and other things (obviously) I am considering going back. This is a hard habit to break 😔
@@Tracy-ks1vk you should not go back if your needs and wants aren’t being met and you are abandoning a part of yourself to keep the connection going. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility. Love is free and unconditional. Adult romantic relationships are not. They require mutual reciprocity among other things. Conflict presents an acute risk to the safety of relationships with avoidants. Avoidants need to stay in control and, however unconsciously, giving ground for them would upset the balance of power, which can be too torturous a position. They find it very hard to think like a team as they innately view this as dangerously giving up part of themselves. While they may believe they want relationships in theory, in practice they experience regular aversion to their partner - no stronger than when inevitably faced with issues or forced to confront emotions, which means they are much more at risk of walking away. Partners often sense this, which creates a problematic power imbalance in conflict, when both are not showing up with equal desire to move towards resolutions and to make the relationship work as a team. In relationships, withdrawing from conflict is also a subconscious distancing strategy. Conflicts are often left unresolved because the resolution itself often brings a couple closer together - a scenario that, however unconsciously, the avoidant person wants to avoid. Failure to negotiate is a strategy to block intimacy.
Every 5-6 months for almost 6 years. Yes, the cycle is a real thing. I had enough. Especially when 1 year ago, she promised communication, therapy and more. 3 months in the slow fade started, by month 6 she was telling me all sorts of disrespectful things all over again. I deserved better.
same, I feel you
Its really disgusting, their level of disrespect and passive aggressive demeaning comments.
If you did these things to them, they'd be in a puddle of tears on the floor.
I just broke up with my DA ex 7 weeks ago, and my anger is BOILING. So many things I'm about to say in an email that she'll never forget, and be impossible to avoid and run from.
@@Cre8Fire34 Trust me in respect for what you may be feeling, the words don't mean anything to them, not at least for what they are willing to show, especially to give you any satisfaction that they may know you are right, but for anything that will make them sorry for their actions, it's just not going to happen. If anything they can and may use your words against you just to strengthen their own behaviors and actions against the relationship. They get into this phase where they want you to act out and say things in response (even though they were the offenders causing disrespect) it can then reinforce their decisions against the relationship, which don't really matter. The level of insanity, madness, anger, depression and more that D.A.'s can cause someone to feel because of how unhealed they are inside is brutal. Hurt people, hurt people. One of the most alluring and beautiful individuals I knew and had a phenomenal relationship with just to abandon, dismiss, sabotage and destroy everything piece by piece. It's literally the most insane thing I've experienced. No matter what level of support, and no matter how calmly I approached things, no matter how many times I told myself I was the problem and let her tell me the same, or gave up people, friends, experiences and more just to cater to her canceling and abandoning plans with me for family and more, and on and on and on. The way they will make you crazy by way of sabotage... I just can't describe. No matter how many times and ways you can reassure them you will literally do anything and everything for the relationship with actual actions to their words; that will never be enough. It's borderline narcissim in it's own way and... I just can't recommend enough to save your own dignity from anything already lost and don't send the email. They won't read it anyways, and if they do they'll act like they didn't, or just cause you of harassing them and potentially set you up for greater issues in life. Peace to you. 🕊️
I've been there with my bpd it will drive u crazy especially when they make up crazy hurtful untrue things about yourself
thank you for sharing i experianced the same thing and called it out at round 2. my condolences to you.
I can't do it any more. Over 5 years with a DA and it never changes. Well, it's changing now, I'm moving on and not looking back.
I used to wonder why people entertain these chaotic, on again, off again relationships. I always knew instinctively it would be problematic and when I'd break up with my exes, friends would ask me "are you getting back with her?" I was always puzzled by that question and would answer,"no, she's an ex for a reason!"
That said, it's always important to learn from your patterns and decide whether or not someone is worth investing in for the long term. I do notice that the older I get the less patience I have for chaos. Once you learn to attach yourself to peace, you'll flee from chaos like the plague.
There can be a hyper independence there that's a wound too...or it can be being a healthy realist 😊
@@laurafennell9084 not sure what part of my comment you're referring to here...
Currently in No Contact after he slow faded me. I can not and will not be going back to him. My heart, head and Spirit can't take it anymore. I know everything I need to know about Avoidants and I will not subject myself to it anymore. I still love and care about him, but I will now take all of that and put it into myself. I pray for him and wish him good luck in his future endeavors.
I’m going through this now. Stayed way to long. 6 years
What she teaches and explains sbout DAs is dead on. I just got abruptly dumped after 10 months. She did exactly these things. She was not aware until right after the split when I forwarded several of these videos. She acknowledged the went back into denial and pulled away for good. Its on her. Im so relieved. Unnecessary stress on and off the whole time. And she tried to blame it on me last we spoke.
My experience is that DAs absolutely will sabotage and completely ruin, by every means necessary, their relationship with a partner. And never do any of the inner work to heal and work on themselves. They'll just go on to the next relationship that they will inevitably sabotage and ruin.
I've had different experiences with DA's. If anything, when I was an unhealed FA, I was the one sabotaging my relationship with my DA. This man never gives up on me and hasn't dated anyone else in years. I have a couple of friends that are DA and if for any reason they wanted out, it was because they didn't feel the same connection the other person was feeling. That was more in the early dating stage like maybe 3 to 6 months. Sometimes up to a year. But the ones they truly felt a connection with, they remained with and stayed loyal.
This has been my relationship for the last 5 yrs! On again off again! If I didn't absolutely love this girl, I would've been done years ago! And yes currently we are off again! It is a horrible and gut wrenching cycle!
You don't deserve that
I’m going through the same exact thing as you. 4yrs and it’s been the back and forth. Just last weekend we were together and she was telling me she loves me, touching my heart as we slow danced in kitchen saying I see you.
2 great days then she just flipped and now I’m blocked, after her saying she needs space to heal and doesn’t want anyone.
@@humanchee1 Exactly! The weekend before we split we had went to an OU spring football game. Had drinks took pics at the game and then came home and enjoyed a nice evening! Within 4 days were done!
@@TimStJohn-xp8rv sounds about right. It’s sucks for sure.
Have you looked into why this happens as and what you can do to fix it? I don't think on and off is that horrible as long as it's not because of fighting and having a tumultuous environment.
I made it to the 6 month stage. Then the "busy" signal kicked in, lol. A few months of that and the occasional breadcrumbs followed. Then, the slow fade began until I finally cut it off and went NC. It's been 5 months now. Almost forgot she started seeing someone else during the slow fade.
"Pull away when they pull away" is a principle that can help. Chasing will have the opposite effect.
@GeoffreyAngapa and then? Does the DA reach out? We haven’t spoken in almost 3 weeks, as I wait for an apology for insensitive comments.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy Perhaps give it a week or so and then send a basic message. I meant my comment in a more general sense, in that when an avoidant is distancing, it doesn't help to chase or solve the problem. The best thing to do is nothing, giving space. I'm sorry you and your partner/friend are going through this. I hope it all works out.
@@GeoffreyAngapa Thx, appreciate that. Do they ever apologize? I definitely feel that HE should reach out, and apologize, but I’m not sure that he will.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy My experience is more with FA, but honestly, apologies are rare. And you're right: if he made insensitive remarks, its up to him to apologise, not you. He may come back acting like nothing happened because DAs generally don't want conflict.
@@GeoffreyAngapa I’m pretty sure he’s DA/FA.
I’ve been in a 4 year relationship with my DA. She has said that she tries to not make it work since the beginning. Then she went on a cheating run and coming back to me crying and telling me it was you I thought about, no one compares to you. Just last weekend after 6 months gone she invites me over. We connected with her kids. We danced in the kitchen and she placed her hand on my heart and said I finally see you. Told me I love, and I said don’t say it if you don’t mean it, she looked me in the eyes and said it again.
2 days of greatness and like a Switch, cold and distant. Ignoring me, now blocked. It’s just sad.
The day I left for work, she went out on a boat with her and her kids with a “friend” and didn’t even say goodbye to me.
Why would you put up with cheating, even once?
@@Cre8Fire34 you’re right. I guess I have a huge heart towards her and matters of working overseas and all.
@@Cre8Fire34why? They also tell you that it’s just a “friend” and there is nothing to worry about.....until you realize they are lying. Then you question them and they admit to it but they convince you it’s not cheating because there was not a commitment to a relationship......which they never actually commit to. Then you justify it to yourself and so on.....I’ve been there.
It's like a robotic coldness, because these people are out of touch with their hearts.
Shes not a DA shes a Narc or Borderline
When you're in a relationship with a narcissist these characteristics will come out in an overwhelming manner. I have learned a lot about myself from such a relationship. To get out of that and heal and overcome those characteristics is powerful in becoming who I want to be. To escape the narcissistic abuse is the first step.
I really appreciate this video - I have been searching for advice on how to help a DA heal because I do want this relationship. Everyone in the comments always villainizes DAs but some of us, who are healing anxious types, actually care about their healing journeys and want to give them the safe space to explore their fears so they CAN heal. It’s been taking a lot of growth on my part to even have the strength and security to be okay with myself when he is pulling away out of fear, but now I feel like I can operate out of empathy instead of scarcity.
Yeah this on and off cycle with avoidants is true. Right now mine is going through some stressful times with her grandmother and she needs space and then after she’ll come back it’s been going on like this for almost 2 years. There’s always something going on with them you just have to learn not to take offence with the space and accept it.
Yes. I've been this way my entire life. If I'm going through a tough time, I need to do it alone.
@@LeeChrissy Exactly and there’s nothing wrong with that. In the beginning I used to get angry because I didn’t understand and I made the situation worse but now I know it’s a pattern. It’s part of her needs just like any other avoidant that needs to self regulate.
@@djcapela you have a very healthy perspective. We can't help how we feel originally, but you figured out why they do this and give grace and that's a beautiful thing.
@@LeeChrissyit does take a long time to understand how an avoidant operates but you win them over by gaining their trust slowly overtime and supporting them with space.
@@djcapela 100%! I'm a healed FA and it's VERY hard for me to let people in emotionally. My DA is the only man in my 40 plus years that I've ever trusted aside from my dad. I can say that I believe the feeling is mutual. We've been friends for decades, but it was hard for him at first when we started dating. I'd say it wasn't until the 2nd year that he started letting me in and now he's completely vulnerable with me. It's actually really sweet.
My DA & I have separated and I miss him so much. He is doing his PDS work as am I and I am feeling more hopeful about the future. However after 14 years of this stuff I know that I've just absolutely had enough of it. So I don't know if it's realistic to try again because I know that the first time he stonewalls me or dismisses my feelings I'm just going to be completely fed up. I am fed up with it. I just don't know. It's all so overwhelming. 😢
Help! I met a great woman. She was SOO fast to fall in love, used words like “enamoured” to describe how she felt. Got a picture of us framed within a month of dating. Would text a lot and say how bad she missed me and wanted to be in my arms. Even talked about how she would marry me and “take care of my heart forever”.. all was great and we spend a LOT of time together during the first 3 months. Then a massive shift - she had soo much happening in life and felt she couldn’t balance everything. Now it’s been a few months where her texts have dropped off, she doesn’t use loving language anymore in texts like before, she says she’s needs me to be patient. When we are together (less frequent than before) it’s nice, we are sexual and she’s a little more “romantic” in her language. But after there are no texts unless I initiate? She’s had a sad past, terrible ex partners and child hood trauma..
I’m struggling to determine if she’s an avoidant type? Or something else? It’s been SO hard feeling like I was her “everything” and have it change to feeling like I don’t matter nearly as much.
My mbti is INTJ and i do have Dismissive avoidant tendencies, but i am aware and i definitely have been humble enough to correct my flaws.
3 years now. I’m an FA and he’s a DA. We’re both to blame.
Same boat
My DA and I have had an on and off again cycle. Things never get bad with us. I just need to step away because of life. We also haven't been on the same page on a couple of things, but whenever we reunite we are more in sync. If I saw a decline in his growth I may think differently, but he gets better and better. He...we...just have to heal and grow at our own pace. Sometimes that requires being by ourselves to figure it out. But ..here we go again! Lol ❤️
@@LeeChrissy lol I feel that. Our distrust widens when we are apart but when we get back it’s like we never missed a step.
@@Mermaid03_03 interesting. Why does your distrust widen? I love that you instantly feel cozy comfy when you reunite. ❤
@LeeChrissy have you ever mentioned to him that you need space? If so how long was the "space" that you needed? Also what was his reaction?
This video was more instructive than previous formats. Thank you
I knew it!! I kept wondering wtheck this pattern was. Wow
They call me a yoyo. But i met someone with abandonment issues. He said he loves me because when i leave i always come back. When he ignores me and stops calling I try first calling him then i move on. Then he comes back and we just give each other the peace sign. Its crazy but i understand his hurt and he understands ill be back.
This makes sense in a newly developing relationship, but what about like in my case, where we've been together for 20 years, and this cycle has reared its ugly head in the last 2 years? It's very clear we've ALWAYS been an Anxious Preoccupied (myself) & Dismissive Avoidant (him) dynamic, but it hasn't gotten out of hand until the last 2 years. I do not want to lose him, so I'm willing to do almost anything to fix this. He doesn't seem as keen, but will say he doesn't want to lose me. What do you do in that situation!!!???!!!???
Both making a commitment to setting goals according to your attachemntstyle towards yourself and the other and evaluating how things are going to break a toxic cycle. If there is no work done from the avoidant you need go set a deadline till when he has. In the meantime you work on filling your own cup focussing on your own healing, hobbies and friends. Also in frienship you can practice your growth work. You both are willing to grow or this isn't going to work. That's at least what I think is what I've learned from all this attachementstyle stuff. I feel like anxious women are very fast in finding new partners anyways. But focus on becoming more secure so you'll get in healthier relationships :).
I’d say hey! I love you too Have a great weekend! Aaand enjoy your me time! So we don’t turn into what happened to us time!
Really helpful one, Thais. Ty. 🙏
I’m at 7.5 months and it’s starting to turn …
This is our second time first time was 1.5 years
He said he doesn’t think he can do it
He was doing so well
But then on Tuesday he said he is tired of trying to fit in he just wants to do him !!!
He tells me he loves me every day
He is very affectionate with me
But then he said my needs are realistic and they are not difficult or demanding but doesn’t know if he can do it
Leave me ALONE ffs it’s embarrassing!
Thais you are amazing! I just love your videos!
My issue is its not a few days its months and no communication even when i ask to just let me know about the space
Off and on for 4 years, then she basically tried to gaslight me and that was the final straw. It's been almost 9 months and although I do think about her, I do not want to get back together because I know she's done no work on her own personal growth so that vicious cycle would happen again
Wow! The time stamps on the DA pulling away is spot on. Smh
Second breakup in two years
She Reached out yesterday.
"I have healing to do but i really want you as my friend. Our bond was deep . I need to learn to love myself . No-one has loved me in such a pure way as you have . Injust couldn’t receive it "
She had cancer and a mastectomy and poor body image of herself.
SO what do I do .. im in a good place emotionally and mentally
❤❤
I would stick it out with her. She’s had a lot on her plate that would’ve affected her. But I think you need to be there only as a friend and support, being open yourself to anyone who will match your efforts.
"I really want you as my friend" sounds like a red flag to me. Unless you don't care about physical intimacy. Bring it up. Be gentle, but don't hold your tongue when it comes to your needs & wants.
Is it worth trying to get the avoidant back? Do i give her a second chance?
They are very blunt, hurtful but they don’t see it that way. I have to presume that’s how they were spoken to as a child, that’s all they know. 😢
yes! i find this to be true. he says he's being "direct"
he also says compassion gets you nowhere
@@kittervision wow even worse 😢
If you spin it into a positive then you might think differently. I absolutely love blunt people. I trust them more. They say the first thing that pops into their head. If it's mean, then no. That's not okay. But if it's just an honest observation, I'd prefer their raw thoughts over sugar coating.
@@LeeChrissy no. It was lewd. AND other comments that he has strong opinions on, and even tho he may be right, a callous disregard that we were talking about my child, something that was done in the past that cannot be changed, so why keep worrying me? TOO BLUNT. Not always “a positive.”
@@JustMeAndMyBoy yeah I'm a protective mom and don't like anyone giving me any tips on my child. Even if it's gentle. I'm just not interested. Pretty much anything else likely wouldn't bother me unless it was absolutely obscene. But our opinions may differ on that.
Can this on again off again go on for a very long time, i.e., decades? FA leaning DA here with an AP. I feel like if both of us were to commit to becoming secure, we would reach a final resolution as to yes or no.
Is it possible to become a dismissive avoidant later as an adult?
Quite possible.
Yes! Cause my now DA 🤦🏽♀️ used to be an FA 🥺
This happened to me with my DA for 10 years.
@franceslynn5537 do you mean that being in a long term relationship with a DA has resulted in your own attachment becoming DA? If so, what was your attachment prior to this?
I've had a 3 year involvement with a DA and because of learning to understand him I discovered attachment styles: I was definitely FA, now largely secure but can identify some stronger DA traits in myself too now, as I still struggle to cope with his behaviour at times.
@@yellowtheresunshine I've been a FA my whole life so I used to flip back and forth. I went through PDS and did the work to become secure, but I think I healed more of my anxious and less of my avoidant side. The anxious side was more important for me to heal because anxiety causes me physical medical issues. I'm comfortable in my secure/avoidant side I only date people who are similar so no one gets hurt over not getting their needs met with me.
How do you cope with a DA and get them to see that this is how and who they are. Also how does this affect depression and grieving for the DA?
You have to put them aside for a sec, write down your boundaries and non-negotiables and be realistic on whether you think he can ever meet your standards. Everyone is always so focused on the other person but rarely focused on their own happiness. You can't tell him anything. You can't fix him.
Fyi, I love dating DA's because we meet most of each other's needs, but that's why it works. If you have more needs than he can provide than you're only going to hurt yourself.
@LeeChrissy none of my needs were met. If they are dismissive and avoidant how are they possibly meeting anyone's needs?
I did write back but don't see my response. Do you see my response before I rewrite it?
@LeeChrissy I see two responses from you but not necessarily referencing how dismissive avoidants can meet anyone's needs?
I was saying that it depends on the DA, their personality type and also their level of interest sometimes. My DA is great at meeting my needs. The thing about it is they can't feel pressured to do it. They have to want to. I'm not shy either so I will specifically ask or suggest if I need to. Never in an accusing way like "You never do this." More like "Babe, mind if you can..."
I’m always the one to reach out during these frequent long breaks after an argument, out of compassion for his issues. I felt he was incapable of initiating. Thankfully he is always receptive. 🙏 But is that actually true??? CAN THEY / DO THEY reach out?? Or is mine just spoiled rotten?
PEDDEVVORTIS- CONTROLLERS TRYING TO KILL ME
To those who have been judging dismissive avoidants, please dont act like you dont dont have flaws that might or will sabotage a relation. You are not perfect. Wake up
No one is saying that they're perfect. In all honesty people are just tired of the way avoidants treat them. If avoidants didn't act the way they did mostly, no one would be complaining.
It's because the FA partner has 3 other boyfriends on the side .
I have been going through this dance with my DA partner on and off for almost 11 years. Just a few days ago I decided it was finally time to let go. I hope I am doing the right thing and I am going to REALLY try. I want and deserve more. Beautiful man inside and out but I cannot continue to do this. Thanks, Thais ❤️🩹
Same here. I've known him for 30 years. Been in and out of each other's lives for the last 20yrs. But we've been in a romantic dynamic (again) for the last 3 yrs. I ended it yesterday hoping I did the right thing as well. Time will tell. Fingers crossed 🤞🏾🙏🏾
Are either one of you in therapy
@@SK-no2pp I am not currently in therapy but have talked with a therapist in the past about this and other things (obviously) I am considering going back. This is a hard habit to break 😔
@@daniellediaz2516 it’s just time to let it go. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I have some things to work on too. I wish you luck ❤️🩹☀️
@@Tracy-ks1vk you should not go back if your needs and wants aren’t being met and you are abandoning a part of yourself to keep the connection going. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility. Love is free and unconditional. Adult romantic relationships are not. They require mutual reciprocity among other things. Conflict presents an acute risk to the safety of relationships with avoidants. Avoidants need to stay in control and, however unconsciously, giving ground for them would upset the balance of power, which can be too torturous a position. They find it very hard to think like a team as they innately view this as dangerously giving up part of themselves. While they may believe they want relationships in theory, in practice they experience regular aversion to their partner - no stronger than when inevitably faced with issues or forced to confront emotions, which means they are much more at risk of walking away. Partners often sense this, which creates a problematic power imbalance in conflict, when both are not showing up with equal desire to move towards resolutions and to make the relationship work as a team.
In relationships, withdrawing from conflict is also a subconscious distancing strategy. Conflicts are often left unresolved because the resolution itself often brings a couple closer together - a scenario that, however unconsciously, the avoidant person wants to avoid. Failure to negotiate is a strategy to block intimacy.