I hope to never get into another relationship with another avoidant ever again. It has taken me six years, a lot of self-education and a lot of therapy to finally understand why someone whom I am absolutely positive loved me, rejected me in such a harsh way. I have spent all this time trying to understand why. And once I understood that it truly was not about me ( I am clear that I am not flawless and made mistakes, also based upon my attachment style,) but was actually about themselves, I am finally able to put it down. I am looking forward to a first date tomorrow, and hoping that by understanding attachment styles, I will be able to regain my confidence and to hold my own, however things turn out. Whatever topics you choose to cover, they are all relevant and incredibly important for healing. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing it helps me know I'm not alone, I was devastated as well. Did we date the same man??? LOL. I feel so much better knowing it had nothing to do with me. I like you studied to understand, and feel so much more confident and prepared. Good luck❤
As a man, this happened to me. It seems she followed these stages and timeframes almost exactly with me. The relationship went from amazing to awful, with hurt felt in me. What you say makes perfect sense!! A real "light bulb" moment for me, thanks for this content and topic!
More than 3 months since she destroyed me leaving me shocked. Now I'm in the best moment of the year. Trust me guys, let them go. It's go for you, your family, your health. I know it's hard at the begining but after working on yourselves you'll rise much much stronger.
a little over 2 months for me. I learned sooo much (not only about avoidance and attachment styles, also about me and how to improve myself for myself and future relationships). It was not the lesson I asked for but the one I got.
Thanks brother, you're definitely right but it's hard and it has happened 3 or 4 times we have broken up. Every time I finally get to a point where I'm getting better we run into each other or have some contact and she comes around. We always been really spiritually connected it's crazy at times So next time I definitely just need to be stronger and just move on .
@@brianburris I can recommend Ken Reids and coach Ryan on RUclips. Ken is good for the deeper understanding (and healing logically) and Ryan is good for healing emotionally. Get rid of all these breakup coaches who "bring your ex back".
These videos have helped me understand myself, and how to communicate to my avoidant partner in ways that I didn't think possible. I'm saying the same thing about my needs and expectations but I'm framing them in way they can receive that info in a healthy way. I can't thank you enough for bringing peace to my own insecurities and teaching me how I can communicate in a non-threatening way and tell them my needs. Which freaking works! I can tell a difference after just a few weeks. I also understand now how they express their care for me and it's exactly what I needed to be able to move forward.
The hardest thing was learning that just because we were friends for months before dating did not mean that I knew anything about who this person would be in a relationship. Unfortunately I let them move in way too soon because I thought those months of friendship were the same as vetting him. If you want to protect yourself from the destruction a DA will cause in your life once the power struggles start, DON'T LET THEM ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR HOME OR ANYTHING ELSE IMPORTANT TO YOU. Everything is fair game once a DA decides they don't care about you anymore, and they do not care what impact they have when they act out their negative feelings toward you on their way out.
avoidants *can* communicate & thankfully PDS provides lots of tools for improving communication with them 🤨 communication's a two way street & many complaining in the comments seem more interested in blaming the other way rather than working on their own *personal* development i see this is your only comment here, hope you watch more videos & learn about both avoidants as well as how to heal your own issues so you no longer feel compelled to leave such unhelpful & inaccurate comments about an entire group of people 💜 best wishes with your *personal* development journey
@r_and_a excuse me, but you don't know me. I am in a relationship with a DA so I know how it is with one based on my own experience. I never said I didn't make mistakes or have faults. So don't come at me like you know who I am because I haven't commented before.
@@singingstars8022 obviously i don't know you & i made no indication otherwise - i simply: corrected your misinformation, shared my impression about a pattern i've noticed, acknowledged this is your 1st comment then expressed my hopes & wishes for you based on your singular comment 🤷 i made no assumptions - including about what level of experience or self awareness you may or may not have though your follow up seems to indicate your unhelpful & inaccurate generalization is based on just one relationship which strengthens my hope you learn more about them & how to heal your own issues
They/we hear you. We just don’t always acknowledge when someone needs an excessive amount of validation. I hear you, if you need more than what someone who leans avoidant can offer then that’s your right. I’ve dated really avoidant men and have decided I prefer secure now that I am secure. 😊
Most will have no idea about these attachment issues and will sabotage the relationship with their anxious behaviours in reaction to dip of affection from their partner. I experienced a breakup recently that was classic AP/DA clash, but I was just as guilty of sabotaging us, maybe more so. She was DA but had done a lot of work and leaned heavily secure, until triggered - if I had been aware of attachment style and all the psychology happening I could have saved us. It’s all so covert, your avoidant will silently bottle up all their fears until one day they push away and eventually leave you.
I also feel the same that maybe if I knew about this attachment styles a little earlier maybe I could have saved the relationship, but to be honest I also feel that whatever you do or you know or you understand until your partner is into learning mode (which most FA/DA are not) you can't change anything and they will still push you away until eventually you leave them!🙃
I just want to assure that even if you had been totally perfect and even tiptoying around your DA- they would leave you in any case, because good and secure partners triggers DA fairs even more. Also distinguish if you was anxious before these relationships or you became during it because of attitude you’ve got - lack of communication, lack of attention, constant hot and cold behaviour, withholding emotions and feelings- even the most secure person in relationships with DA in longer term becomes totally anxious. So don’t blame yourself. DA are not dating material for serious relationship and that’s it.
@@IevasliogAttachment behaviours aren’t typically expressed until post honeymoon phase, until investment is needed. Anxious attachers are equally to blame in a dynamic where communication breaks down and fears and needs lack a safe space to express. You can list avoidant triggers and behaviours that can sabotage a relationship, and I can list a longer one with damaging anxious triggers and protest behaviours. Secure or insecure, it all comes down to needs and if the dynamic is capable of meeting them for each other. I don’t blame myself, what I do is take accountability for my part in ruining what was for years a healthy and beautiful relationship. My DA ex was very secure in how she showed up in our relationship, her deactivation was swift and sudden and I am certainly to blame for triggering it - she took responsibility for her shutting down and distancing. The anxious attachers you hear complaining online about avoidant attachers seem to be totally guilt free and take 0 accountability for their part in their failed relationships - even a secure person would flee with the onslaught of a desperate and unregulated partner in full activated anxious mode. I don’t know if things would have been different with my ex if I had been more knowledgable on AT and communicated better, she was better with communication than I was in all honesty. Point being, in my experience avoidant partners simply need to be understood, you can drive them to intensify their defences, but if they feel safe they are incredible and loving partners.
@@Ievasliog I don’t agree at all. It’s explicitly untrue that someone with avoidant patterns will eventually just leave you, so many people overlook the fact that attachment runs on a scale and not all avoidantly attached individuals are severe, in-fact most are not. It’s easy to regurgitate all the online bitterness towards avoidant attachers, they’re all cold robots, it couldn’t be further from the truth. My DA was and is the warmest, kindest person I’ve ever met and she managed her triggers well. Anxious attachers and people who activate into anxious patterns will almost never take accountability for their behaviour - they’ll point the finger at their avoidant partner and attack their needs and fears, as if the expectation is that their needs and fears should perfectly mirror their own. No, insecure attachment is something everyone should work on to lean secure, but what you’ll never hear anyone talk about is that no matter your attachment pattern, insecure or secure, we all have needs and boundaries, very simple. If your avoidant partner feels safe and able to express their fears and needs they can be incredible partners, if you have a AP/DA dynamic, a good grasp on AT will be needed and an awareness and understanding of each others patterns. Shame is a core wound for avoidant attachers, when they feel miss understood they will begin to deactivate… just as if an anxious attacher will activate and smother their partner if they feel any change in the dynamic, so create a safe space and normalise expressing feelings and thoughts. I would actually much rather date an avoidant leaning person than an anxious leaning person🤷♂️ that’s just my experience.
It's so hard and painful. My Ex DA broke up with me 6 months ago, out of the blue I'm fine and try to move on However every single day I think of him...
@@Kavilion I can really recommend coach Ryan on this matter. He is really good for the dumpees of avoidants. He helped me on my healing journey quite a lot (2 months now) and puts things into perspective. If you really want deep understanding I recommend coach ken. It will take you hours to walk through but it's worth it if you want to understand and not only heal.
@@sevenpounds1463 seems suspect for 2/3 of your comments here to be recommending a different resource 🤨 "if *you*really want deep understanding, i recommend" you actually watch the material here as it is *far* more comprehensive for *all* -not just "the dumpees of avoidants" which does seem to be who your proposed alternative caters to
@@Kavilion Sorry you're hurting. IMO DA's are great eye-openers to see your own wounds. DA's are great for casual fun. You just cannot take them seriously cause they will likely never take us seriously. Learn to spot them early on and proceed with caution.
The power struggle phase started in year 10 of my relationship with my wife. She’s a DA, and she started flaw finding until she found her way out. Now we’re separated and she has already moved on to another poor unfortunate soul. I was an Anxious, but through therapy and stuff I am very much secure now. And watching her follow the same pattern she followed with me is sad and borderline amusing because I’ve expressed this stuff to her. She doesn’t seem to care. She’s a textbook DA, unfortunately.
I have expressed my needs so delicately and the promises of change are always said. He never followed through. Avoidants are exhausting and not worth the time spent on them.
I have a really good strategy, walk away. Lol. It's just draining and hurtful. Been broken up for a year, but got sucked back in way too many times only to keep reliving the same crap. Ain't nobody got time for that!!
It all comes down to whether the DA wants to communicate and heal or not. It does not matter how strong their feelings are, they have to WANT TO WORK ON THEMSELVES. And as most of the people here can attest, vast majority of them do not want it. I like Thais’ channel, I believe she is one of the few who speaks openly and in a scientific manner about it. But I also find it mostly on the positive/hopeful side rather than being more realistic, ie DA will respond to do the work. I think the likelihood of this happening should also be underlined which is extremely LOW, so that it will not give false hopes to people in relationships with DAs or trying to heal from relationships with them. That will hurt them more in the end.
Agreed 100%. Thais has a husband who has apparently done the work to heal. The vast majority never will. Instead, they will abuse and gaslight their partners. This channel is great for the most part, but this stuff for partners of DAs is REALLY bad advice. LEAVE abusive people, do not stay.
@@P___999 she is always referring to boundaries and deadlines but the most important part is generally overlooked and the overall picture is drawn positively. Judging by the comments, most of Thais’ viewers are either in problematic relationships with DAs or exes of DAs who are going through a harder time than an average breakup thanks to the DAs. And a positive picture and false hopes will not help these people in the long run considering most of the DAs choose to stay DAs! I think the extremely LOW likelihood of DAs choosing to heal should be underlined. Or else it feels like selling hopes.
@@nuraycelebi5325this video alone has over 11 *thousand* views & under 250 comments so seems the premise of your comment is as erroneous as your conclusion 🤷 thais has specifically noted that DAs complete PDS work more than any other attachment style as well as repeatedly shared successes she saw with DAs in her *decade* of private practice prior to starting PDS considering not only the overwhelming bias you yourself have observed in the comments but how those who share alternatives to those narratives are treated (can't tell you how many times i've seen DAs risk sharing only to have others project their circumstances onto them & "vent") it's unfortunate but somewhat understandable it becomes a negative echo chamber which reinforces it's not realistic to treat it as a representative sample
@@r_and_a let me clarify since you seem to misunderstand. Like I said, I do not question her competency, on the contrary I find her among the few reliable sources on this. Also, thousands are watching her videos and hundreds are commenting. Vast majority of the comments are from ex-es of DAs or people dating DAs and somehow in painful situations since DAs do not want to do the work. People are sharing their experiences in the comments section and most of them express it as DAs not wanting to heal. There are definitely DAs who do the work, them or their (ex) partners are also commenting. But this does not change the fact that vast majority do not! Comments speak for my point, ie the likelihood of DA wanting to work on themself during or after the relationship. And likelihood of this happening should be underlined. This has nothing to do with bias, error or venting. And there is nothing wrong asking the likelihood to be mentioned unless it is not shared intentionally. People are already “traumatized” from their relationships with DAs and it will take them longer to “heal and move forward” if they believe DAs GENERALLY want to do the work. Considering you read the comments, you should already know that’s not the case even from this single video🤷♀️
@@nuraycelebi5325 you said "judging by the comments, most of Thais' viewers..." so i pointed out this video has *over* 11 *thousand* views but *under* 250 comments which means you're treating *less than 2 & 1/2 %* (especially considering how many accounts made multiple comments) *of the views as a representative sample* which is unrealistic under the best of circumstances but even moreso considering both the extreme bias you yourself noted in the comments & impact that has on others contributing to the discourse i added i'm not the one who "misunderstood" nor who is repeatedly editing comments 🤦 your conclusions are based on a faulty foundation which i not only outlined in my original response but further clarified here (which is *not* the same as simply repeating or making statements that continue to perpetuate the same inaccurate premise) additionally i provided even more context for what thais has shared informs her perspective which exceeds what's reflected in the comments by several magnitudes perhaps instead of or at least before you continue trying to make sweeping generalizations about an entire attachment style using an miniscule sample size that's admittedly incredibly biased to lecture others &/or critique how the *professional* with over a *decade* of private practice *before* creating & running the *"personal* development school" shares the knowledge she has gained you might want to actually acquaint yourself with the actual facts of the situation
It was spot on 6 months into my first marriage and 2nd marriage. Yes I know... I was an idiot. 7 yrs marriage first marriage and 24 yrs 2nd marriage. I'll never get into a relationship again!
This video is helpful, but I assure you, the DA will NEVER change unless they want to. RUN AWAY from these people. They will leave you struggling for years to understand - Its them not you.
Correct. I wish we could have worked on this growth together, but let’s be real….. I don’t even know if focusing on working through this is his main focus. It was a LDR already.
*no one* will ever change unless they want to - what will make *you* want to focus on your own *personal* development instead of leaving negative comments about an entire group of people like all of your comments here have been so far?
@@r_and_a Yet I am not the only one who has had this experience. Working on myself is primarily the objective as to why you watched the channel. Commenting and sharing an experience? Guess, its called being human. Wisdom is not gained only through experience, but from the experience of others.
@@mepulley7913 interesting instead of actually answering my question you essentially justified your actions because others do it, too 🤔 it reminds me of a stereotypical question parents ask their children - if everyone else was jumping off a bridge would you, too? sincerely hope you consider *both* of the questions i asked & wish you all the best for a speedy journey of personal development so hopefully soon you'll be willing & able to leave comments that contain more compassion & "wisdom" than blame or judgement 💜
I've always theorized that one of the biggest problems people have with avoidants is their romance timeline. This is one trait I resonate with because I like to observe people's behavior before I get too invested. I usually find that people relax into themselves around the eight month mark (as opposed to the sixth) and it's here where they show their true colors. This is why I have a 12-18 month vetting period before considering marriage. That said, this dynamic is definitely going in my book. Given that there's a three year period in the three books I'm going to write, this conflict between the characters' growing attraction for each other whilst hunting the ultimate apex predator as a career should be really good in showing their human side. Great video!
Right, I wonder if there's a simpler explanation for the timeline, like an avoidant just keeps the facade up for about 6 months before getting too tired of that effort. Then either bails altogether or starts trying to bring in aspects of their real self, but either way that's going to get bumpy. I feel like anxious partners do this too, maybe all insecures. Isn't it part of the definition of being insecure, that you are not confident you can bring your true self and be loved?
@@MilesIncognito well, there's a difference between bringing out your PROFESSIONAL self vs bringing out your PERSONAL self. Being a business owner and having a large social circle, I see vast differences between the two. I suspect most avoidants like to bring out their professional selves most of the time and have no real problem staying there. For example, I lean avoidant in several ways, so I keep my personal fears, concerns, thoughts, and negative emotions to myself, only putting my positive, uplifting, and motivational emotions on display for the world to see. Although my serious romantic partners (and even female friends) have always hated this, my clients and students view me as a champion in their eyes. On the flip side, my personal stuff I keep personal, because experience has told me this: "no one wants to hear about your problems or how unhappy you are, so don't feel compelled to share." To this day, I have fun getting around my female friends and watching them get SUPER uncomfortable when discussing times I felt defeated, whilst smiling and getting giddy when I discuss times I felt like a conqueror. These are women I've known for over a decade who know virtually all there is to know about me mind you. It pretty much confirms why stoicism and a positive attitude is the way to go, especially as a man. In short, I suspect Avoidants know this instinctively and it's less about being scared of people knowing who they are and more about maintaining the persona they've spent their lives building up. Just my two cents.
That is a GREAT point-ease into sharing your needs and feelings; the avoidant will push away someone provoking feelings as part of shutting out his own! The more I read the comments, the more I have to lean towards those who say 'run, don't walk, away!'
that's interesting as the more i read comments, the more my preference & compassion for DAs grows partly because i can't imagine trying to relate to people who leave comments like "run don't walk away" about an entire attachment style on videos where the focus is intended to be *"personal* development" it's unfortunate that many appear to misunderstand DAs & spread misinformation about them in these comments, conflating DAs with narcissists despite PDS having repeatedly not only explained differences but that DAs are actually the attachment style that's the least likely to be a narcissist as an FA with C-PTSD partly from relationships with narcissists i'm acutely aware of how hurtful they can be & know DAs (like ALL insecure attachments) can also be hurtful but hopefully never understand why some seem to believe if they've been hurt they're entitled to hurt others like i see in comments about DAs
Actually it shows you a person with an avoidant attachment style by doing that so if you don't want that type of person in your life, do that because it'll ferret them out faster so you won't get yourself in too deep & get hurt.
Yes, they can disguise very well as secure for long time because they hate display of emotion so they seem very cool, calm and collected. But I just remembered - if someone is secure they would not be on the market when they are 40, 50 years old and change partners over and over. This is a clear sign for insecure attachment style! The people I consider secure that I know are in their relationship for years and years and not one of the people have thought of breaking up. I'm taking this note to myself...
as an FA who prefers relationships with DAs (romantic & platonic) i always appreciate the compassionate insight PDS provides, especially in contrast to many others who seem to cater to those wanting to be told everything's someone else's problem 💜 personally find the dynamic with DAs naturally encourages & reinforces me working on my own personal development 😇 it's a win-win in so many ways as i become more secure regardless but that also improves my relationship with DAs! PDS has been incredibly helpful to intentionally navigate my current relationship better & more effectively address my own issues - just wish i could relate to the "stages" 🥴 it's been fairly long, complicated & evolving so it's hard to tell where we fit, lol
Same story here. First DA on my path almost killed me, left me heartbroken and questioning. Second is a love of my life. Never felt this strong, even when I’m alone. God bless DAs
@@AliValentine143 hence my comment DAs seem to naturally encourage & reinforce working on our own personal development 😉 while i can understand & relate to those who've been hurt by DAs, i don't get the negative generalizations i often see made about them sadly, it seems many who complain about them only want to blame rather than actually working on their own personal development
@@r_and_aor they've actually been hurt by a DA despite the other individual doing all they can on their end to ensure the relationship works and the DA doesn't care to improve despite knowing what they should be improving on. Some DAs even say they know they need to do the work and still don't do the work necessary. Making it a sad existence. The most common theme is that DAs don't want to do the work and that is very true 95% of the time. Alot of people who are upset at DAs have justified reasons. They're not just talking to y'all.
@@r_and_a The negative generalizations are because people are more than the attachment style. A DA/FA/AP often means there is a history of trauma. So the relationship includes deeper mental or personality disordered behaviors.
The power struggle stage seemed to occur a little past 3 months for me, then discard about a 4-month mark. Pretty blind sided, but understand her main trigger now. But I'm not sure if I want to continue even if she contacts me again after no contact. It's just hard to imagine going through this again. She can be amazing, so it's tough.
She showed her true self after 6 weeks when she went back to her ex. And then 6 months later she proved it by trying to breadcrumb me and letting me know she was "single". I hate DAs.
@@JevonMyles maybe with this very short text that's how it seems, and she very well could be a narcissist too, but she's definitely a DA at heart. She went from the perfectly sweet girl who's extremely into me (lovebombed me hard) to being utterly scared of any form of intimacy and connection and shut me out of her life. And we work together, she was proudly telling everyone that we were seeing eachother. Don't think a narcissist would do that if they had the intention of playing someone they work with. And last time we looked at eachother, she still had her pupils dilate like crazy as soon as she saw me. I'm 99% she's still deeply interested in me but she's too damaged to admit it/do something about it. Anyway, it's unimportant now. She ruined everything.
@@TheUnkindness definitely sounds like a narcissist to me. DAs don't love bomb or like announcing their relationship status, but narcissists THRIVE on that for attention and validation. They usually get a high out of getting people interested and then leaving them once they're invested. Either way, you dodged a MAJOR bullet.
Hi Thais...thank you for this. Can you please speak to this with the added dynamic of neurodivergence? Is there any difference to the stages for a neurodivergent DA? does anything need to be done differently, or would the same apply? Thanks in advance!
If a couple breaks up during the power struggle stage, is there a chance for that couple to get back together once acknowledging the issues as long as both parties are working on themselves?
During my power struggle stage.. I pretty much said to my DA.. “you can pick apart all of My flaws but refuse to see the flaws of your own ❤”. This was a very big turning point for us!❤
I truly love this lady and she is always on point. But the problem with these people is that if they are not working on themselves again looking in the mirror getting the help because faith without works is dead you can forget it.We people who love them have given our time and had patience gave them space and guess what they still did not communicate stonewall you ghost treat you like trash no one deserves to be treated like this so the best thing to do is to leave their narcissistic selves alone because if you don't you will look in the mirror and won't know who the he'll you ate because now you are broken.
@@P___999"most assumptions people make are that narcissists are DA attachment styles *i would say that's actually the least likely outcome...most narcissists tend to be AP"* - suggest listening to some of those videos before continuing to spread your "total lie" about what thais says 😬
@@remydrh as i noted & even quoted, thais has *repeatedly* said DAs are the *least* likely to be narcissists so imo her decade of private practice plus experience creating & running pds give what she says *far* more credibility than random commenters always find it interesting how many anonymous people argue DAs tend to be narcissistic on videos from pds without seeming to consider how narcissistic it is to treat their sourceless proclamations as superior to what the trained professional shares... 🤨
I would love any vieos around fearful avoidants or avoidants and long distance relationships/dating/meeting, like more specifically how do you communicate interest and feelings and then stages after that but from a long distance point of view, or a perosn that travels a lot for work/has important busy job also, kind of dynamic. Especially between avoidants becasue i am FA and deal with avoidants a lot and so i dont want to overwhelm them or myself and then the extra layer of long distance or similar, because I want to get to know them before i avoid or they avoid kinda thing so we can slowly trust each other, but i also want a way to communicate my interest to get to know each other slowly. But also know i am not wasting my time either. I also rather do those things in person but hard if both parties interested travel a lot/work a lot and want to vet each other first, but before avoidance and fears set in. Hope that makes sense. Ive only seen LD things geared towards people who know they wanna be together or already are dating. But what about before all that, from meeting and vetting and etc. Thanks! Youre info has helped so much oh and before anyone says just open up and be honest, or just trying being friends first, well any avoidant knows how thats not simple and especially if its LD and you cant casually hang out or talk all the time (example traveling musician, or a surgeon, or nurse) I can clarify more if anyone has actual advice,or and resources to share about this
OMG 6 months on the dot! Year in couldn't wait to end it. The avoidant just appeared out of nowhere??? Without the person knowing they are avoidant theres no amount of talking that would heal his workaholism,fears, doubts inability to bond. But at least now it makes sense.Never got pass to stability much less bliss. Now looking back that was his history 6 months to a year.
Why is it that the DA sees their parents as perfect especially the mothers! Even when they understand and realize that their mothers are intrusive, controlling and toxic...they give them they still discard their romantic partner that showed them love and didn't harm them over anyone else that neglected them in childhood?
My only guess, having seen it, is that the toxic female caregiver is the first person in their young lives that did the reinforcement, bread crumbing, the one they could never please fully but always wished to. The one that was their first DA type love ( even if they're FA,) the only person they didn't have to worry about engulfement with because they were never going to fulfill the female caregivers bottomless pit.
Because we learn love from our parents, and we only want that kind of love even if toxic. If you show a different kind of love to your DA it won't be perceived as love. We all want to be loved the way our parents loved us because it's the only way we know love. If someone knows love as cold and distant, the affectionate and hot one isn't the love they want. I know that from myself, my dad's kind of love was cold and distant and my partners kind of love really grates on me, it irritates the hell out of me, I understand that's real love and the way love should be, but I still find it a real struggle to accept it. Time and time again I fall in love with and fancy men like my dad.
@@kaylakayla7341 Very true. When my DA ex suddenly changed and broke up was like the bff of her mother, even when she told me horrible things of her. She treated her like garbadge and loved the another daughter far better than my ex. Once the mother wrote to me "I don't trust you, I never liked you and you are taking my daughter from me. You are much older and not good for her". Clear red flag I didn't want to see because I was "in love". She was a toxic single mother and very materialist. After she broke me up my friends told me they saw her with and older guy, fatter but had two cars. Weird the mother didn't say anything to that guy...
The best I can figure is that the DA or FA is trauma-bonded to their toxic parent. The trauma-bonded person is so terrified of breaking the bond with their abuser that their subconscious mind won't allow their conscious mind to even be aware of the possibility. It is tragic, really 😞
Second comment/question if the avoidant doesn't appear until 6 months in how do I know way before ? Should secure and anxious ask early in dating for attachment type? Theres no point going further if not willing to overcome the power struggle phase????
Want to speed run the process?Just let them really get to know you & get comfy with being vulnerable.....As soon as they become attached to you from developing feelings, you'll 👀 this stuff start up quickly with them pulling away.I ferreted out an avoidant in only a little over 2 months by doing this...He started out good but couldn't keep going, like a cheetah that's only able to do short bursts of high speed.I didn't know much about him but he knew me & started pulling back hard once he developed feelings so it's not hard for me to walk away from that dumpster 🔥 situation thankfully.I do feel bad for him & hope he gets therapy someday but I'm secure enough in my own attachment style to understand his choices aren't my responsibility thankfully.
Cant fuckin believe this happened to me again. The first time in my teens it left me destroyed and ashamed. I went back over and over and it became easier to let go. Partially became avoidant myself since i wanted nothing to do with women for 8 years. Lucked out with another avoidant but this one was insecure to start and the reassurance never ended and just became aggressive. Stonewalling me out if i did anything but perform exactly how she wanted. I had to beg to get her to even talk to me. But it never worked because i was only supposed to understand and adjust rather than be involved. I was always being worked on and i could acknowledge where i was wrong but she would shut me out if anything negative was associated with her. It was like narc and FA. Blamed me and cherry picked arguments all day long until i just had nothing left and when i told her i needed her she told me i just want to be babied and she threw me out like a used gift card of affection. I wish i never met her. Its been 45 days since but still cant shake this hopeless longing feeling
Their behavior can certainly mimic narcs in some unsettling ways...The main difference is they aren't intentionally harmful but ultimately it's still abuse so just block, delete, etc & begin to work on your own wounds so you can rebuild your life.
Hi Thais, I understand why DAs seem to have a toxic trigger cycle from their partner expressing a feeling, need or issue with them (regardless of how gently this is delivered). Why is their emotional reaction so big, so angry and so intense? Is it because anger is an “acceptable emotion,” (for men)? I would really like to see a video about when DA behaviour becomes emotionally abusive. I don’t blame DAs, but I find there are not many resources on the line between DA protest behaviour and abuse. I do not know a single person in my life that has not been emotionally abused by their DA spouse. What impact does a DA parent have on a child? (I assume they create attachment wounds that cause DA in their kids?) thank you!
Just let them go, honestly. Avoidants are never worth it. The power struggle will continue until YOU pretend you're fine with bad treatment. There are billions of fish in the sea. These people are immature babies in adult bodies. Don't stick around for their abuse. We only have one life and we deserve to live it with people who care for us. "Don't communicate everything all at once." Really, Thais? To an abusive partner? Why are they entitled to treat others like crap and expect anyone to stick around? Why is THEIR experience the priority, but that of the other person doesn't matter as much? This is garbage and terrible advice. LEAVE abusive, entitled people. They're not ready or WORTHY of relationships. Until they do the work, they deserve to be alone. They don't deserve to harm good people or spread their issues around.
Pavlov proved that reinforcement is how living things are conditioned. Everything forwarded since supports this conclusion without exception. So, constantly re-affirming the "power" of an abuser over us, and acquiescing voluntarily to appease someone is demonstrably unhealthy, and indeed unethical for any "professional" to advocate. I'm sure a subtle, but very much warranted, modification of the language Thais has chosen would significantly improve the messaging. I think we all understand the intention of what she is stating to be that where there are two consenting and honest partners seeking to understand each other's needs conversations like these will be required to be normalized and ritualized in order to provide the safe, and welcoming environment in which a healthy and loving acceptance of each other can be grounded and nurtured. I think a good place to start such a conversation would be to identify that this is how healthy, "secure" attachment providers enter into knowing someone else's needs, wants, and love-languages.
APs have their issues but generally if you have that type of mate, they're not going to be abusive if you're simply consistent in providing assurance & affection...& over time many will gradually become more secure in a long-term healthy relationship.But the avoidants always seem to do damage & are abusive by default in various ways whether it's stonewalling, ghosting, blowing up, withholding affection, etc.They don't intentionally harm others & themselves but it's still harm in the end unfortunately.
Once my DA ex pulled back more and more during the power struggle, I have more space. Then we began to have issues and then she monkey branched to someone else
Is there a "spectrum " of avoidant styles that have been considered??? I'm finding the pigeon hole concept doesn't explain the melding characteristics I am observing.
How do you break the communication block. They try avoid the issue by saying they are confused but yet continue reaching out after a short break. He says that he knows he loves me but he looks too far ahead and scared he’s going to hurt me. I’m not sure what this means, please can you help?
Me n mine lasted 9 months, the night we broke up she had empathy but after that it was like a flip switched the affectionate girl I fell in love with has been in hiding since, if we’re meant to be we will be but I’m focusing on me I hope you’re good ml
what if we just dated 1.5 months and it felt like we were going somewhere actually solid and meaningful (I fell for her), but they pulled away out of the blue. Feels like it was too early right? I'm not about to wait 6 months for her to reach out again.
The woman you fell for doesn't exist. She did you a favor. Her behavior revealed who she is. Walk away and dont look back. And block her contacts. Dont let her come back or she will so it again and we'll see you here 6 months from now.
And I'll elaborate further. The person that shattered you Is severely damaged. So you are walking sway for self preservation. But the fact they sre severely damaged demands more from us as we part ways with them. Naturally, you will grieve what was lost, and ANGER is part of that process. But you need to be careful not to damage her sny further. . What she did to you is between her and our heavenly father. Let him mete out justice on your behalf, for it will be perfectly just punishment. Youre responsibility is this. Matthew 5:44 The Lord Jesus said, “But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you.”. Scripture is full of instruction for how to deal with this. We are to pray, and FORGIVE !!! . That doesn't mean we have to reconcile. Reconciliation is ideal, but NOT ALWAYS possible or healthy for you. The avoidant is unlikely to apologize or make efforts to rectify the situation. So you have to level up, be a man, carry the burden, and work with Christ to ease your burden. We sre instructed to forgive the way God forgives. Its UNMERITED GRACE. She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness. But you give it the way God give us UNMERITED GRACE. Forgiving her is hard. But its not for her. Its to set you free of the bondage you find yourself in. You can't fit the pieces of this puzzle back together. So stop focusing on her. And focus on your own healing and set yourself free of what she did to you. This is the hardest lesson in sll of scripture. Praying for our enemies is SO DIFFICULT. But most things worthwhile are most certainly difficult. You csn do this. Shift your focus from her to our Lord. And ask him to guide your recovery. I'm going through EXACTLY what you're dealing with now. And i have the same emotions as you. Rage, anger, confusion, hurt. Those feelings dont belong to us. let it go. Find your center. And heal.
She started feeling an attachment & feelings forming and it triggered the fear...You were also likely showing a lot of your feelings & that completely overwhelmed her and also triggered her fear.Block & delete her # & just stay away dear even if she reaches out,the avoidant cycle goes on over & over endlessly unless you stop it or they permanently walk away.
@@TrapicidalJust really let them get to know you by showing a lot of emotion & vulnerability... It'll speed run the scaring them away because it'll trigger their subconscious fear, you also may start to 👀 small 🚩s leading up to that.
There is all this advice on how to connect with an avoidant. I want to find out that they're avoidant quickly and walk in the other direction. They can deal with their recovery and if they want to do it by themselves, go ahead. My issue is we have to wait 6 months to a year for them to reveal themselves. I haven't found a quicker way around establishing that they are an avoidant who is oblivious to the impact they have on other people's lives. Obviously an avoidant who is aware and trying to change deserves as much time and effort as anybody else.
I think u can decide by the time they take to warm up , as we know da take lot more time , but I am not sure about fa's ... but they too have a pattern of opening up that is different from secure attachment, u can look out for that 👍
You can force this to be revealed on your first meeting by talking about intimate experiences, or doing an activity that is unconventional, and maybe even a little questionable (ie. going to the firing-range). Learn your own needs first, and you'll quickly discover how easily you can identify the needs of others just by observing them in their environment.
@@purplelizardtoesExactly.Get real comfy & secure in your ability to share intimate little details about your life experiences and your emotions..... They'll be like a cheetah that's good for a short burst of speed & then that's it, then you'll ferret them out with the avoidant cycle starting up.
This is frankly ridiculous. I'm not a psychiatrist, clergy, counsellor, whatever. Get therapy or counselling or whatever you need. Be respectful to people or stay home.
Hear hear. It it absolutely ridiculous to try to convince anyone to put up with this horrible behavior. DAs are adults and need to learn to act like it.
How can you make an avoidant engage in a communication during the power struggle stage when they see pulling away and stonewalling as the best way to resolve the conflict?
@@vorbis4860 yeah and it took me years do know I was an anxious and then did the work a while after learning about avoidents I’m just stating they’re not the only attachment style that struggles
@@ge0rgialiv Oh, I know. But Anxious types are far more likely to seek help and do the work. Anxious attachment tends to be a midpoint along the path of healing avoidant attachment, because the fear of abandonment is owned and not projected outward any longer.
This is where i felt it. Started reaching out to her phantom ex also flaw finding and a break up....Lasted about 2 years then i got discarded abruptly i feel like once she moved in the pull away and no sex ....
I'm sick and tired of the do this to make them this, do this to make them that. Why does it always have to be us doing the effort all the time!!??? I got struggles of my own to be concerned about the other person push, pulls, and deactivations ✌️
... Because denial is a big issue for many avoidants, they operate heavily from their subconscious fear & whatnot.Most securely attached folks walk away once the avoidant cycle starts up & most APs are able to take accountability due to usually not living in denial & functioning more from their conscious mind if their issues are brought to their attention.
You can set a clock by the Dismissive Avoidant...6 months is how long they can ignore or stuff down their relationship fears and then it blows up for them.
I speedrun it at only a little over 2 months by talking quite comfortably about my intimate life experiences & my emotions...I didn't hardly know him but he knew me pretty well & he started up the old push & pull cycle bad when he felt an attachment and feelings forming.At least it wasn't hard for me to walk away once I understood he was an avoidant because I didn't hardly know him.
pds has videos discussing they're not the same & thais has repeatedly noted DAs are actually the *least* likely to be narcissists as an FA who primarily has relationships with DAs (platonic & romantic), partly as i grew up with narcissists, i appreciate the differences although many who are upset seem to conflate the two rather than trying to actually understand them, i didn't see any support for that in this video
"that's not true" says an anonymous account 🤨 the *professional* w/10yrs+ of private practice plus experience creating & running PDS is a *far* more credible source imo the OP is correct per multiple sources, including PDS 😉, the anxiously attached are *far* more likely to be narcissists - particularly covert/vulnerable/fragile types though some behaviors may share superficial similarities with DAs & narcissists, the reasons & therefore best ways to address them as well as potential outcomes are incredibly different narcissists want to control others to use for their "supply" whereas DAs tend to be counter-dependent as a defense mechanism to protect themselves & don't want that sort of burden the "silent treatment" is used by a narc to "punish" & their relationships rarely improve whereas DAs are conflict avoidant & need space but tend to respond incredibly well to partners who understand them more anxious attachments are often enabled to blame others which i suspect is at least partially influenced by what's the most profitable approach 😬 i'm grateful PDS focuses on *personal* development instead
@@r_and_a There are other attachment specialists, correct? In addition, there are some baseline parental and upbringing dynamics that are virtually the same. So perhaps it's not exact 1 =Other correlation, but it's safe to say DA are "narcissistic-adjacent". And I know two DA's that are both.
They are horrible and selfish and refuse to work on themselves their behaviour is borderline abuse!! Stay clear of them my advice worst time of my life spending 4 years with one!! Hundreds probably thousands of pounds of therapy and the most horrific 3rd and final breakup with him. Never again!!!
@@D_B6 a single reply to your other comment publicly posted on this video *literally* saying "that's interesting" & sharing my *personal* response to the same circumstances you described differs does *not* mean i chose to "target" you 🤨 "funny" how you "assume" so much despite ample evidence to the contrary 🤦 for example, plenty of comments on this very video show plenty do *not* "know the difference between DAs and narcissists" idk what "we" or "patients" you're presuming to speak on behalf of but just as it's incorrect to "safely assume" what people know, *plenty* understandably "alienates people more than seeing: "it's unfortunate... spread misinformation" my comments had nothing to do with "media bias" nor just my "own conception of the issues" but the examples i gave in relation to the content here - including misinformation which is *not* "as valid" 🤷
I hope to never get into another relationship with another avoidant ever again. It has taken me six years, a lot of self-education and a lot of therapy to finally understand why someone whom I am absolutely positive loved me, rejected me in such a harsh way. I have spent all this time trying to understand why. And once I understood that it truly was not about me ( I am clear that I am not flawless and made mistakes, also based upon my attachment style,) but was actually about themselves, I am finally able to put it down.
I am looking forward to a first date tomorrow, and hoping that by understanding attachment styles, I will be able to regain my confidence and to hold my own, however things turn out.
Whatever topics you choose to cover, they are all relevant and incredibly important for healing. Thank you.
Good luck I feel your pain
I feel exactly the same! Couldn’t described it better! I wish the best of luck and that the date goes well! 🤗
Thank you for sharing it helps me know I'm not alone, I was devastated as well. Did we date the same man??? LOL. I feel so much better knowing it had nothing to do with me. I like you studied to understand, and feel so much more confident and prepared.
Good luck❤
@@ladyofspa she was definitely not a man lol. But best wishes to you too!
As a man, this happened to me. It seems she followed these stages and timeframes almost exactly with me. The relationship went from amazing to awful, with hurt felt in me. What you say makes perfect sense!! A real "light bulb" moment for me, thanks for this content and topic!
More than 3 months since she destroyed me leaving me shocked. Now I'm in the best moment of the year. Trust me guys, let them go. It's go for you, your family, your health. I know it's hard at the begining but after working on yourselves you'll rise much much stronger.
Facts
a little over 2 months for me. I learned sooo much (not only about avoidance and attachment styles, also about me and how to improve myself for myself and future relationships). It was not the lesson I asked for but the one I got.
Thanks brother, you're definitely right but it's hard and it has happened 3 or 4 times we have broken up. Every time I finally get to a point where I'm getting better we run into each other or have some contact and she comes around. We always been really spiritually connected it's crazy at times So next time I definitely just need to be stronger and just move on .
@@brianburris I can recommend Ken Reids and coach Ryan on RUclips.
Ken is good for the deeper understanding (and healing logically) and Ryan is good for healing emotionally.
Get rid of all these breakup coaches who "bring your ex back".
@@sevenpounds1463 thx . I'll check them out
These videos have helped me understand myself, and how to communicate to my avoidant partner in ways that I didn't think possible. I'm saying the same thing about my needs and expectations but I'm framing them in way they can receive that info in a healthy way. I can't thank you enough for bringing peace to my own insecurities and teaching me how I can communicate in a non-threatening way and tell them my needs. Which freaking works! I can tell a difference after just a few weeks. I also understand now how they express their care for me and it's exactly what I needed to be able to move forward.
The hardest thing was learning that just because we were friends for months before dating did not mean that I knew anything about who this person would be in a relationship. Unfortunately I let them move in way too soon because I thought those months of friendship were the same as vetting him. If you want to protect yourself from the destruction a DA will cause in your life once the power struggles start, DON'T LET THEM ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR HOME OR ANYTHING ELSE IMPORTANT TO YOU. Everything is fair game once a DA decides they don't care about you anymore, and they do not care what impact they have when they act out their negative feelings toward you on their way out.
Wow thx 🙏🏾
Avoidants can't communicate. They run away. Unless they are really self-aware and emotionally mature (most are not). They will not hear you.
100% correct!!!! Mine always ran away from issues. Smh. Very childish at 46 yr old
avoidants *can* communicate & thankfully PDS provides lots of tools for improving communication with them 🤨 communication's a two way street & many complaining in the comments seem more interested in blaming the other way rather than working on their own *personal* development
i see this is your only comment here, hope you watch more videos & learn about both avoidants as well as how to heal your own issues so you no longer feel compelled to leave such unhelpful & inaccurate comments about an entire group of people 💜 best wishes with your *personal* development journey
@r_and_a excuse me, but you don't know me. I am in a relationship with a DA so I know how it is with one based on my own experience. I never said I didn't make mistakes or have faults. So don't come at me like you know who I am because I haven't commented before.
@@singingstars8022 obviously i don't know you & i made no indication otherwise - i simply: corrected your misinformation, shared my impression about a pattern i've noticed, acknowledged this is your 1st comment then expressed my hopes & wishes for you based on your singular comment 🤷
i made no assumptions - including about what level of experience or self awareness you may or may not have though your follow up seems to indicate your unhelpful & inaccurate generalization is based on just one relationship which strengthens my hope you learn more about them & how to heal your own issues
They/we hear you. We just don’t always acknowledge when someone needs an excessive amount of validation. I hear you, if you need more than what someone who leans avoidant can offer then that’s your right. I’ve dated really avoidant men and have decided I prefer secure now that I am secure. 😊
Run and don't look back!
Most will have no idea about these attachment issues and will sabotage the relationship with their anxious behaviours in reaction to dip of affection from their partner. I experienced a breakup recently that was classic AP/DA clash, but I was just as guilty of sabotaging us, maybe more so. She was DA but had done a lot of work and leaned heavily secure, until triggered - if I had been aware of attachment style and all the psychology happening I could have saved us. It’s all so covert, your avoidant will silently bottle up all their fears until one day they push away and eventually leave you.
I also feel the same that maybe if I knew about this attachment styles a little earlier maybe I could have saved the relationship, but to be honest I also feel that whatever you do or you know or you understand until your partner is into learning mode (which most FA/DA are not) you can't change anything and they will still push you away until eventually you leave them!🙃
I just want to assure that even if you had been totally perfect and even tiptoying around your DA- they would leave you in any case, because good and secure partners triggers DA fairs even more. Also distinguish if you was anxious before these relationships or you became during it because of attitude you’ve got - lack of communication, lack of attention, constant hot and cold behaviour, withholding emotions and feelings- even the most secure person in relationships with DA in longer term becomes totally anxious. So don’t blame yourself. DA are not dating material for serious relationship and that’s it.
@@Ievasliogthank you
@@IevasliogAttachment behaviours aren’t typically expressed until post honeymoon phase, until investment is needed. Anxious attachers are equally to blame in a dynamic where communication breaks down and fears and needs lack a safe space to express. You can list avoidant triggers and behaviours that can sabotage a relationship, and I can list a longer one with damaging anxious triggers and protest behaviours. Secure or insecure, it all comes down to needs and if the dynamic is capable of meeting them for each other.
I don’t blame myself, what I do is take accountability for my part in ruining what was for years a healthy and beautiful relationship. My DA ex was very secure in how she showed up in our relationship, her deactivation was swift and sudden and I am certainly to blame for triggering it - she took responsibility for her shutting down and distancing. The anxious attachers you hear complaining online about avoidant attachers seem to be totally guilt free and take 0 accountability for their part in their failed relationships - even a secure person would flee with the onslaught of a desperate and unregulated partner in full activated anxious mode.
I don’t know if things would have been different with my ex if I had been more knowledgable on AT and communicated better, she was better with communication than I was in all honesty. Point being, in my experience avoidant partners simply need to be understood, you can drive them to intensify their defences, but if they feel safe they are incredible and loving partners.
@@Ievasliog I don’t agree at all. It’s explicitly untrue that someone with avoidant patterns will eventually just leave you, so many people overlook the fact that attachment runs on a scale and not all avoidantly attached individuals are severe, in-fact most are not.
It’s easy to regurgitate all the online bitterness towards avoidant attachers, they’re all cold robots, it couldn’t be further from the truth. My DA was and is the warmest, kindest person I’ve ever met and she managed her triggers well. Anxious attachers and people who activate into anxious patterns will almost never take accountability for their behaviour - they’ll point the finger at their avoidant partner and attack their needs and fears, as if the expectation is that their needs and fears should perfectly mirror their own. No, insecure attachment is something everyone should work on to lean secure, but what you’ll never hear anyone talk about is that no matter your attachment pattern, insecure or secure, we all have needs and boundaries, very simple. If your avoidant partner feels safe and able to express their fears and needs they can be incredible partners, if you have a AP/DA dynamic, a good grasp on AT will be needed and an awareness and understanding of each others patterns. Shame is a core wound for avoidant attachers, when they feel miss understood they will begin to deactivate… just as if an anxious attacher will activate and smother their partner if they feel any change in the dynamic, so create a safe space and normalise expressing feelings and thoughts. I would actually much rather date an avoidant leaning person than an anxious leaning person🤷♂️ that’s just my experience.
It's so hard and painful. My Ex DA broke up with me 6 months ago, out of the blue I'm fine and try to move on
However every single day I think of him...
@@Kavilion
I can really recommend coach Ryan on this matter. He is really good for the dumpees of avoidants. He helped me on my healing journey quite a lot (2 months now) and puts things into perspective.
If you really want deep understanding I recommend coach ken. It will take you hours to walk through but it's worth it if you want to understand and not only heal.
@@sevenpounds1463 seems suspect for 2/3 of your comments here to be recommending a different resource 🤨 "if *you*really want deep understanding, i recommend" you actually watch the material here as it is *far* more comprehensive for *all* -not just "the dumpees of avoidants" which does seem to be who your proposed alternative caters to
@@Kavilion I'm so sorry.
@@Kavilion Sorry you're hurting. IMO DA's are great eye-openers to see your own wounds. DA's are great for casual fun. You just cannot take them seriously cause they will likely never take us seriously. Learn to spot them early on and proceed with caution.
One DA's rejection is God's protection ❤
It was PERFECT and what I’d always wanted. Then, he threatened to leave at the 6 month mark because I was too good for him.
My DA avoided talking about anything because of her fear of conflict. So nothing got resolved until she ran away.
Well, let her breath. She'll fly back
This happened to me . A year in ran away .
@@MMJ-od5shyep same lol
The power struggle phase started in year 10 of my relationship with my wife. She’s a DA, and she started flaw finding until she found her way out. Now we’re separated and she has already moved on to another poor unfortunate soul. I was an Anxious, but through therapy and stuff I am very much secure now. And watching her follow the same pattern she followed with me is sad and borderline amusing because I’ve expressed this stuff to her. She doesn’t seem to care. She’s a textbook DA, unfortunately.
I have expressed my needs so delicately and the promises of change are always said. He never followed through. Avoidants are exhausting and not worth the time spent on them.
I did it and he said that we dont need to talk about this things, and he still felt as an attack.
@ always the victim never the instigator
I have a really good strategy, walk away. Lol. It's just draining and hurtful. Been broken up for a year, but got sucked back in way too many times only to keep reliving the same crap. Ain't nobody got time for that!!
It all comes down to whether the DA wants to communicate and heal or not. It does not matter how strong their feelings are, they have to WANT TO WORK ON THEMSELVES. And as most of the people here can attest, vast majority of them do not want it. I like Thais’ channel, I believe she is one of the few who speaks openly and in a scientific manner about it. But I also find it mostly on the positive/hopeful side rather than being more realistic, ie DA will respond to do the work. I think the likelihood of this happening should also be underlined which is extremely LOW, so that it will not give false hopes to people in relationships with DAs or trying to heal from relationships with them. That will hurt them more in the end.
Agreed 100%. Thais has a husband who has apparently done the work to heal. The vast majority never will. Instead, they will abuse and gaslight their partners. This channel is great for the most part, but this stuff for partners of DAs is REALLY bad advice. LEAVE abusive people, do not stay.
@@P___999 she is always referring to boundaries and deadlines but the most important part is generally overlooked and the overall picture is drawn positively. Judging by the comments, most of Thais’ viewers are either in problematic relationships with DAs or exes of DAs who are going through a harder time than an average breakup thanks to the DAs. And a positive picture and false hopes will not help these people in the long run considering most of the DAs choose to stay DAs! I think the extremely LOW likelihood of DAs choosing to heal should be underlined. Or else it feels like selling hopes.
@@nuraycelebi5325this video alone has over 11 *thousand* views & under 250 comments so seems the premise of your comment is as erroneous as your conclusion 🤷 thais has specifically noted that DAs complete PDS work more than any other attachment style as well as repeatedly shared successes she saw with DAs in her *decade* of private practice prior to starting PDS
considering not only the overwhelming bias you yourself have observed in the comments but how those who share alternatives to those narratives are treated (can't tell you how many times i've seen DAs risk sharing only to have others project their circumstances onto them & "vent") it's unfortunate but somewhat understandable it becomes a negative echo chamber which reinforces it's not realistic to treat it as a representative sample
@@r_and_a let me clarify since you seem to misunderstand. Like I said, I do not question her competency, on the contrary I find her among the few reliable sources on this. Also, thousands are watching her videos and hundreds are commenting. Vast majority of the comments are from ex-es of DAs or people dating DAs and somehow in painful situations since DAs do not want to do the work. People are sharing their experiences in the comments section and most of them express it as DAs not wanting to heal. There are definitely DAs who do the work, them or their (ex) partners are also commenting. But this does not change the fact that vast majority do not! Comments speak for my point, ie the likelihood of DA wanting to work on themself during or after the relationship. And likelihood of this happening should be underlined. This has nothing to do with bias, error or venting. And there is nothing wrong asking the likelihood to be mentioned unless it is not shared intentionally. People are already “traumatized” from their relationships with DAs and it will take them longer to “heal and move forward” if they believe DAs GENERALLY want to do the work. Considering you read the comments, you should already know that’s not the case even from this single video🤷♀️
@@nuraycelebi5325 you said "judging by the comments, most of Thais' viewers..." so i pointed out this video has *over* 11 *thousand* views but *under* 250 comments which means you're treating *less than 2 & 1/2 %* (especially considering how many accounts made multiple comments) *of the views as a representative sample* which is unrealistic under the best of circumstances but even moreso considering both the extreme bias you yourself noted in the comments & impact that has on others contributing to the discourse i added
i'm not the one who "misunderstood" nor who is repeatedly editing comments 🤦 your conclusions are based on a faulty foundation which i not only outlined in my original response but further clarified here (which is *not* the same as simply repeating or making statements that continue to perpetuate the same inaccurate premise) additionally i provided even more context for what thais has shared informs her perspective which exceeds what's reflected in the comments by several magnitudes
perhaps instead of or at least before you continue trying to make sweeping generalizations about an entire attachment style using an miniscule sample size that's admittedly incredibly biased to lecture others &/or critique how the *professional* with over a *decade* of private practice *before* creating & running the *"personal* development school" shares the knowledge she has gained you might want to actually acquaint yourself with the actual facts of the situation
I think these time lines (6mo/1yr) are arbitrary. An avoidant will show “avoidant” tendencies the entire way
There will generally be small 🚩s early on if you pay close attention & are educated about this.
It was spot on 6 months into my first marriage and 2nd marriage. Yes I know... I was an idiot. 7 yrs marriage first marriage and 24 yrs 2nd marriage. I'll never get into a relationship again!
This video is helpful, but I assure you, the DA will NEVER change unless they want to. RUN AWAY from these people. They will leave you struggling for years to understand - Its them not you.
Correct. I wish we could have worked on this growth together, but let’s be real….. I don’t even know if focusing on working through this is his main focus. It was a LDR already.
*no one* will ever change unless they want to - what will make *you* want to focus on your own *personal* development instead of leaving negative comments about an entire group of people like all of your comments here have been so far?
@@r_and_a Yet I am not the only one who has had this experience. Working on myself is primarily the objective as to why you watched the channel. Commenting and sharing an experience? Guess, its called being human. Wisdom is not gained only through experience, but from the experience of others.
@@mepulley7913 interesting instead of actually answering my question you essentially justified your actions because others do it, too 🤔 it reminds me of a stereotypical question parents ask their children - if everyone else was jumping off a bridge would you, too?
sincerely hope you consider *both* of the questions i asked & wish you all the best for a speedy journey of personal development so hopefully soon you'll be willing & able to leave comments that contain more compassion & "wisdom" than blame or judgement 💜
@@r_and_a Lol oh look, another DA running away from accountability and pointing fingers at those with human feelings. SHOCKER.
I've always theorized that one of the biggest problems people have with avoidants is their romance timeline. This is one trait I resonate with because I like to observe people's behavior before I get too invested. I usually find that people relax into themselves around the eight month mark (as opposed to the sixth) and it's here where they show their true colors. This is why I have a 12-18 month vetting period before considering marriage.
That said, this dynamic is definitely going in my book. Given that there's a three year period in the three books I'm going to write, this conflict between the characters' growing attraction for each other whilst hunting the ultimate apex predator as a career should be really good in showing their human side. Great video!
Right, I wonder if there's a simpler explanation for the timeline, like an avoidant just keeps the facade up for about 6 months before getting too tired of that effort. Then either bails altogether or starts trying to bring in aspects of their real self, but either way that's going to get bumpy.
I feel like anxious partners do this too, maybe all insecures. Isn't it part of the definition of being insecure, that you are not confident you can bring your true self and be loved?
@@MilesIncognito well, there's a difference between bringing out your PROFESSIONAL self vs bringing out your PERSONAL self. Being a business owner and having a large social circle, I see vast differences between the two. I suspect most avoidants like to bring out their professional selves most of the time and have no real problem staying there.
For example, I lean avoidant in several ways, so I keep my personal fears, concerns, thoughts, and negative emotions to myself, only putting my positive, uplifting, and motivational emotions on display for the world to see. Although my serious romantic partners (and even female friends) have always hated this, my clients and students view me as a champion in their eyes.
On the flip side, my personal stuff I keep personal, because experience has told me this: "no one wants to hear about your problems or how unhappy you are, so don't feel compelled to share." To this day, I have fun getting around my female friends and watching them get SUPER uncomfortable when discussing times I felt defeated, whilst smiling and getting giddy when I discuss times I felt like a conqueror. These are women I've known for over a decade who know virtually all there is to know about me mind you. It pretty much confirms why stoicism and a positive attitude is the way to go, especially as a man.
In short, I suspect Avoidants know this instinctively and it's less about being scared of people knowing who they are and more about maintaining the persona they've spent their lives building up. Just my two cents.
Great post!
@@Kinteresting thanks!
That is a GREAT point-ease into sharing your needs and feelings; the avoidant will push away someone provoking feelings as part of shutting out his own! The more I read the comments, the more I have to lean towards those who say 'run, don't walk, away!'
that's interesting as the more i read comments, the more my preference & compassion for DAs grows partly because i can't imagine trying to relate to people who leave comments like "run don't walk away" about an entire attachment style on videos where the focus is intended to be *"personal* development"
it's unfortunate that many appear to misunderstand DAs & spread misinformation about them in these comments, conflating DAs with narcissists despite PDS having repeatedly not only explained differences but that DAs are actually the attachment style that's the least likely to be a narcissist
as an FA with C-PTSD partly from relationships with narcissists i'm acutely aware of how hurtful they can be & know DAs (like ALL insecure attachments) can also be hurtful but hopefully never understand why some seem to believe if they've been hurt they're entitled to hurt others like i see in comments about DAs
Actually it shows you a person with an avoidant attachment style by doing that so if you don't want that type of person in your life, do that because it'll ferret them out faster so you won't get yourself in too deep & get hurt.
Yes, they can disguise very well as secure for long time because they hate display of emotion so they seem very cool, calm and collected. But I just remembered - if someone is secure they would not be on the market when they are 40, 50 years old and change partners over and over. This is a clear sign for insecure attachment style! The people I consider secure that I know are in their relationship for years and years and not one of the people have thought of breaking up. I'm taking this note to myself...
as an FA who prefers relationships with DAs (romantic & platonic) i always appreciate the compassionate insight PDS provides, especially in contrast to many others who seem to cater to those wanting to be told everything's someone else's problem 💜
personally find the dynamic with DAs naturally encourages & reinforces me working on my own personal development 😇 it's a win-win in so many ways as i become more secure regardless but that also improves my relationship with DAs!
PDS has been incredibly helpful to intentionally navigate my current relationship better & more effectively address my own issues - just wish i could relate to the "stages" 🥴 it's been fairly long, complicated & evolving so it's hard to tell where we fit, lol
Same story here. First DA on my path almost killed me, left me heartbroken and questioning. Second is a love of my life. Never felt this strong, even when I’m alone. God bless DAs
That's where I'm at but it took me becoming aware, wanting to heal my FA- ways otherwise DA was only ever toxic or pushed completely away.
@@AliValentine143 hence my comment DAs seem to naturally encourage & reinforce working on our own personal development 😉
while i can understand & relate to those who've been hurt by DAs, i don't get the negative generalizations i often see made about them
sadly, it seems many who complain about them only want to blame rather than actually working on their own personal development
@@r_and_aor they've actually been hurt by a DA despite the other individual doing all they can on their end to ensure the relationship works and the DA doesn't care to improve despite knowing what they should be improving on.
Some DAs even say they know they need to do the work and still don't do the work necessary. Making it a sad existence. The most common theme is that DAs don't want to do the work and that is very true 95% of the time.
Alot of people who are upset at DAs have justified reasons. They're not just talking to y'all.
@@r_and_a The negative generalizations are because people are more than the attachment style. A DA/FA/AP often means there is a history of trauma. So the relationship includes deeper mental or personality disordered behaviors.
The power struggle stage seemed to occur a little past 3 months for me, then discard about a 4-month mark. Pretty blind sided, but understand her main trigger now. But I'm not sure if I want to continue even if she contacts me again after no contact. It's just hard to imagine going through this again. She can be amazing, so it's tough.
I left after her, she came back 3 times in 7 years. She still didn't want to make plans for the future. I was done and heartbroken...
Thanks for that. Very useful
Best explanation
She showed her true self after 6 weeks when she went back to her ex.
And then 6 months later she proved it by trying to breadcrumb me and letting me know she was "single".
I hate DAs.
That sounds more like a narcissist, not a DA. But I guess it's possible.
@@JevonMyles maybe with this very short text that's how it seems, and she very well could be a narcissist too, but she's definitely a DA at heart. She went from the perfectly sweet girl who's extremely into me (lovebombed me hard) to being utterly scared of any form of intimacy and connection and shut me out of her life. And we work together, she was proudly telling everyone that we were seeing eachother. Don't think a narcissist would do that if they had the intention of playing someone they work with.
And last time we looked at eachother, she still had her pupils dilate like crazy as soon as she saw me. I'm 99% she's still deeply interested in me but she's too damaged to admit it/do something about it.
Anyway, it's unimportant now. She ruined everything.
@@TheUnkindness definitely sounds like a narcissist to me. DAs don't love bomb or like announcing their relationship status, but narcissists THRIVE on that for attention and validation. They usually get a high out of getting people interested and then leaving them once they're invested. Either way, you dodged a MAJOR bullet.
@@TheUnkindness There is a scary blackness in the eyes of a narcissist, especially when enraged.
Yep they will circle back because they ruin relationships they always keep their exes close mine did.
Hi Thais...thank you for this. Can you please speak to this with the added dynamic of neurodivergence? Is there any difference to the stages for a neurodivergent DA? does anything need to be done differently, or would the same apply? Thanks in advance!
Mine did after one year and a half
If a couple breaks up during the power struggle stage, is there a chance for that couple to get back together once acknowledging the issues as long as both parties are working on themselves?
During my power struggle stage.. I pretty much said to my DA.. “you can pick apart all of My flaws but refuse to see the flaws of your own ❤”. This was a very big turning point for us!❤
Sounds like you placed yourself lower than him
I truly love this lady and she is always on point. But the problem with these people is that if they are not working on themselves again looking in the mirror getting the help because faith without works is dead you can forget it.We people who love them have given our time and had patience gave them space and guess what they still did not communicate stonewall you ghost treat you like trash no one deserves to be treated like this so the best thing to do is to leave their narcissistic selves alone because if you don't you will look in the mirror and won't know who the he'll you ate because now you are broken.
agree best to leave narcissists alone *but* DAs are actually the *least* likely to be one according to thais & several other sources
@@r_and_a Total lie. Thais has videos specifically about DAs and NPD. They are the most likely to be narcissists out of all the attachment styles.
@@P___999"most assumptions people make are that narcissists are DA attachment styles *i would say that's actually the least likely outcome...most narcissists tend to be AP"* - suggest listening to some of those videos before continuing to spread your "total lie" about what thais says 😬
@@r_and_a It depends on the type of narcissist. Grandiose narcissists tend to be avoidant. Vulnerable narcissists tend to be anxious.
@@remydrh as i noted & even quoted, thais has *repeatedly* said DAs are the *least* likely to be narcissists so imo her decade of private practice plus experience creating & running pds give what she says *far* more credibility than random commenters
always find it interesting how many anonymous people argue DAs tend to be narcissistic on videos from pds without seeming to consider how narcissistic it is to treat their sourceless proclamations as superior to what the trained professional shares... 🤨
You should never take back a dismissive svoidsnt unless they recognize that they are one and are in therapy.
best!!!
I would love any vieos around fearful avoidants or avoidants and long distance relationships/dating/meeting, like more specifically how do you communicate interest and feelings and then stages after that but from a long distance point of view, or a perosn that travels a lot for work/has important busy job also, kind of dynamic. Especially between avoidants becasue i am FA and deal with avoidants a lot and so i dont want to overwhelm them or myself and then the extra layer of long distance or similar, because I want to get to know them before i avoid or they avoid kinda thing so we can slowly trust each other, but i also want a way to communicate my interest to get to know each other slowly. But also know i am not wasting my time either. I also rather do those things in person but hard if both parties interested travel a lot/work a lot and want to vet each other first, but before avoidance and fears set in. Hope that makes sense. Ive only seen LD things geared towards people who know they wanna be together or already are dating. But what about before all that, from meeting and vetting and etc. Thanks! Youre info has helped so much
oh and before anyone says just open up and be honest, or just trying being friends first, well any avoidant knows how thats not simple and especially if its LD and you cant casually hang out or talk all the time (example traveling musician, or a surgeon, or nurse)
I can clarify more if anyone has actual advice,or and resources to share about this
OMG 6 months on the dot!
Year in couldn't wait to end it. The avoidant just appeared out of nowhere???
Without the person knowing they are avoidant theres no amount of talking that would heal his workaholism,fears, doubts inability to bond. But at least now it makes sense.Never got pass to stability much less bliss. Now looking back that was his history 6 months to a year.
Why is it that the DA sees their parents as perfect especially the mothers! Even when they understand and realize that their mothers are intrusive, controlling and toxic...they give them they still discard their romantic partner that showed them love and didn't harm them over anyone else that neglected them in childhood?
My only guess, having seen it, is that the toxic female caregiver is the first person in their young lives that did the reinforcement, bread crumbing, the one they could never please fully but always wished to. The one that was their first DA type love ( even if they're FA,) the only person they didn't have to worry about engulfement with because they were never going to fulfill the female caregivers bottomless pit.
Because we learn love from our parents, and we only want that kind of love even if toxic. If you show a different kind of love to your DA it won't be perceived as love. We all want to be loved the way our parents loved us because it's the only way we know love. If someone knows love as cold and distant, the affectionate and hot one isn't the love they want. I know that from myself, my dad's kind of love was cold and distant and my partners kind of love really grates on me, it irritates the hell out of me, I understand that's real love and the way love should be, but I still find it a real struggle to accept it. Time and time again I fall in love with and fancy men like my dad.
We don't. 🤷♀️
I'm a DA, and it has been years since I cut contact with my parents.
@@kaylakayla7341 Very true. When my DA ex suddenly changed and broke up was like the bff of her mother, even when she told me horrible things of her. She treated her like garbadge and loved the another daughter far better than my ex. Once the mother wrote to me "I don't trust you, I never liked you and you are taking my daughter from me. You are much older and not good for her". Clear red flag I didn't want to see because I was "in love". She was a toxic single mother and very materialist. After she broke me up my friends told me they saw her with and older guy, fatter but had two cars. Weird the mother didn't say anything to that guy...
The best I can figure is that the DA or FA is trauma-bonded to their toxic parent. The trauma-bonded person is so terrified of breaking the bond with their abuser that their subconscious mind won't allow their conscious mind to even be aware of the possibility. It is tragic, really 😞
Hey.. I just want to know is it okay to talk about our feelings if we still in the honeymoon phase and not power struggle phase?
Second comment/question if the avoidant doesn't appear until 6 months in how do I know way before ? Should secure and anxious ask early in dating for attachment type? Theres no point going further if not willing to overcome the power struggle phase????
Want to speed run the process?Just let them really get to know you & get comfy with being vulnerable.....As soon as they become attached to you from developing feelings, you'll 👀 this stuff start up quickly with them pulling away.I ferreted out an avoidant in only a little over 2 months by doing this...He started out good but couldn't keep going, like a cheetah that's only able to do short bursts of high speed.I didn't know much about him but he knew me & started pulling back hard once he developed feelings so it's not hard for me to walk away from that dumpster 🔥 situation thankfully.I do feel bad for him & hope he gets therapy someday but I'm secure enough in my own attachment style to understand his choices aren't my responsibility thankfully.
Cant fuckin believe this happened to me again. The first time in my teens it left me destroyed and ashamed. I went back over and over and it became easier to let go. Partially became avoidant myself since i wanted nothing to do with women for 8 years. Lucked out with another avoidant but this one was insecure to start and the reassurance never ended and just became aggressive. Stonewalling me out if i did anything but perform exactly how she wanted. I had to beg to get her to even talk to me. But it never worked because i was only supposed to understand and adjust rather than be involved. I was always being worked on and i could acknowledge where i was wrong but she would shut me out if anything negative was associated with her. It was like narc and FA. Blamed me and cherry picked arguments all day long until i just had nothing left and when i told her i needed her she told me i just want to be babied and she threw me out like a used gift card of affection. I wish i never met her. Its been 45 days since but still cant shake this hopeless longing feeling
Their behavior can certainly mimic narcs in some unsettling ways...The main difference is they aren't intentionally harmful but ultimately it's still abuse so just block, delete, etc & begin to work on your own wounds so you can rebuild your life.
Hi Thais, I understand why DAs seem to have a toxic trigger cycle from their partner expressing a feeling, need or issue with them (regardless of how gently this is delivered). Why is their emotional reaction so big, so angry and so intense? Is it because anger is an “acceptable emotion,” (for men)? I would really like to see a video about when DA behaviour becomes emotionally abusive. I don’t blame DAs, but I find there are not many resources on the line between DA protest behaviour and abuse. I do not know a single person in my life that has not been emotionally abused by their DA spouse. What impact does a DA parent have on a child? (I assume they create attachment wounds that cause DA in their kids?) thank you!
awesome
Just let them go, honestly. Avoidants are never worth it. The power struggle will continue until YOU pretend you're fine with bad treatment. There are billions of fish in the sea. These people are immature babies in adult bodies. Don't stick around for their abuse. We only have one life and we deserve to live it with people who care for us.
"Don't communicate everything all at once." Really, Thais? To an abusive partner? Why are they entitled to treat others like crap and expect anyone to stick around? Why is THEIR experience the priority, but that of the other person doesn't matter as much? This is garbage and terrible advice. LEAVE abusive, entitled people. They're not ready or WORTHY of relationships. Until they do the work, they deserve to be alone. They don't deserve to harm good people or spread their issues around.
I agree, as much as her other videos help, this video definitely did not sit right.
Completely agree. If I can’t honestly share my feelings with someone because they can’t handle it, I’m dealing with a child
Pavlov proved that reinforcement is how living things are conditioned. Everything forwarded since supports this conclusion without exception.
So, constantly re-affirming the "power" of an abuser over us, and acquiescing voluntarily to appease someone is demonstrably unhealthy, and indeed unethical for any "professional" to advocate.
I'm sure a subtle, but very much warranted, modification of the language Thais has chosen would significantly improve the messaging. I think we all understand the intention of what she is stating to be that where there are two consenting and honest partners seeking to understand each other's needs conversations like these will be required to be normalized and ritualized in order to provide the safe, and welcoming environment in which a healthy and loving acceptance of each other can be grounded and nurtured.
I think a good place to start such a conversation would be to identify that this is how healthy, "secure" attachment providers enter into knowing someone else's needs, wants, and love-languages.
APs have their issues but generally if you have that type of mate, they're not going to be abusive if you're simply consistent in providing assurance & affection...& over time many will gradually become more secure in a long-term healthy relationship.But the avoidants always seem to do damage & are abusive by default in various ways whether it's stonewalling, ghosting, blowing up, withholding affection, etc.They don't intentionally harm others & themselves but it's still harm in the end unfortunately.
Once my DA ex pulled back more and more during the power struggle, I have more space. Then we began to have issues and then she monkey branched to someone else
Is there a "spectrum " of avoidant styles that have been considered??? I'm finding the pigeon hole concept doesn't explain the melding characteristics I am observing.
How do you break the communication block. They try avoid the issue by saying they are confused but yet continue reaching out after a short break. He says that he knows he loves me but he looks too far ahead and scared he’s going to hurt me. I’m not sure what this means, please can you help?
It means stay far away & work on your wounds because he may not be interested in trying to work on himself unfortunately.
Me n mine lasted 9 months, the night we broke up she had empathy but after that it was like a flip switched the affectionate girl I fell in love with has been in hiding since, if we’re meant to be we will be but I’m focusing on me I hope you’re good ml
what if we just dated 1.5 months and it felt like we were going somewhere actually solid and meaningful (I fell for her), but they pulled away out of the blue. Feels like it was too early right? I'm not about to wait 6 months for her to reach out again.
The woman you fell for doesn't exist. She did you a favor. Her behavior revealed who she is. Walk away and dont look back. And block her contacts. Dont let her come back or she will so it again and we'll see you here 6 months from now.
And I'll elaborate further. The person that shattered you Is severely damaged. So you are walking sway for self preservation.
But the fact they sre severely damaged demands more from us as we part ways with them. Naturally, you will grieve what was lost, and ANGER is part of that process. But you need to be careful not to damage her sny further. . What she did to you is between her and our heavenly father. Let him mete out justice on your behalf, for it will be perfectly just punishment.
Youre responsibility is this.
Matthew 5:44
The Lord Jesus said, “But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you.”.
Scripture is full of instruction for how to deal with this. We are to pray, and FORGIVE !!! .
That doesn't mean we have to reconcile. Reconciliation is ideal, but NOT ALWAYS possible or healthy for you.
The avoidant is unlikely to apologize or make efforts to rectify the situation.
So you have to level up, be a man, carry the burden, and work with Christ to ease your burden.
We sre instructed to forgive the way God forgives. Its UNMERITED GRACE. She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness. But you give it the way God give us UNMERITED GRACE.
Forgiving her is hard. But its not for her. Its to set you free of the bondage you find yourself in.
You can't fit the pieces of this puzzle back together. So stop focusing on her. And focus on your own healing and set yourself free of what she did to you.
This is the hardest lesson in sll of scripture. Praying for our enemies is SO DIFFICULT. But most things worthwhile are most certainly difficult.
You csn do this. Shift your focus from her to our Lord. And ask him to guide your recovery.
I'm going through EXACTLY what you're dealing with now. And i have the same emotions as you. Rage, anger, confusion, hurt. Those feelings dont belong to us. let it go. Find your center. And heal.
She started feeling an attachment & feelings forming and it triggered the fear...You were also likely showing a lot of your feelings & that completely overwhelmed her and also triggered her fear.Block & delete her # & just stay away dear even if she reaches out,the avoidant cycle goes on over & over endlessly unless you stop it or they permanently walk away.
They show it earlier.
How do they help me
@@TrapicidalJust really let them get to know you by showing a lot of emotion & vulnerability... It'll speed run the scaring them away because it'll trigger their subconscious fear, you also may start to 👀 small 🚩s leading up to that.
Been my experience in life that most people will FAFO.
My DA started to pull away - and show her true ( and very ugly, self-absorption) at about the 15 month mark.
The DA I was with lasted about 12 months before starting to pull away......6yrs later....the final digard. Baffling, Confusing, etc etc etc
Thais this is amazing video thank you. Please can you make one about different attachment styles between friends say FA n DA n power struggle
this format really suits me
There is all this advice on how to connect with an avoidant. I want to find out that they're avoidant quickly and walk in the other direction. They can deal with their recovery and if they want to do it by themselves, go ahead. My issue is we have to wait 6 months to a year for them to reveal themselves. I haven't found a quicker way around establishing that they are an avoidant who is oblivious to the impact they have on other people's lives. Obviously an avoidant who is aware and trying to change deserves as much time and effort as anybody else.
I think u can decide by the time they take to warm up , as we know da take lot more time , but I am not sure about fa's ... but they too have a pattern of opening up that is different from secure attachment, u can look out for that 👍
You can force this to be revealed on your first meeting by talking about intimate experiences, or doing an activity that is unconventional, and maybe even a little questionable (ie. going to the firing-range).
Learn your own needs first, and you'll quickly discover how easily you can identify the needs of others just by observing them in their environment.
@@purplelizardtoesExactly.Get real comfy & secure in your ability to share intimate little details about your life experiences and your emotions..... They'll be like a cheetah that's good for a short burst of speed & then that's it, then you'll ferret them out with the avoidant cycle starting up.
This is frankly ridiculous.
I'm not a psychiatrist, clergy, counsellor, whatever.
Get therapy or counselling or whatever you need.
Be respectful to people or stay home.
take your own advice ✌️
@@r_and_a the worst kind of avoidant, going on everyone's else comment and being aggressive. You're not healed lil shit
@@r_and_a
Why.
Im not an avoidant and in all my relationships Im respectful and considerate.
Your comment makes no sense.
Is ur msg directed to Da's or the content creator here
Hear hear. It it absolutely ridiculous to try to convince anyone to put up with this horrible behavior. DAs are adults and need to learn to act like it.
You look great in blue!
How can you make an avoidant engage in a communication during the power struggle stage when they see pulling away and stonewalling as the best way to resolve the conflict?
You have to leave them along and give them their space, eventually they will.come to you.
@@alfahniqueteigen8246Thank you!
Avoidants who aren't actually doing the work are hopeless.
ALL who aren't actually doing the work are hopeless - even securely attached
I’m anxious I’m far from perfect, we r all flawed
@@ge0rgialiv We're not talking about that. We're talking about showing up to do the work.
@@vorbis4860 yeah and it took me years do know I was an anxious and then did the work a while after learning about avoidents I’m just stating they’re not the only attachment style that struggles
@@ge0rgialiv Oh, I know. But Anxious types are far more likely to seek help and do the work. Anxious attachment tends to be a midpoint along the path of healing avoidant attachment, because the fear of abandonment is owned and not projected outward any longer.
really liked this video
This is where i felt it. Started reaching out to her phantom ex also flaw finding and a break up....Lasted about 2 years then i got discarded abruptly i feel like once she moved in the pull away and no sex ....
I'm sick and tired of the do this to make them this, do this to make them that. Why does it always have to be us doing the effort all the time!!??? I got struggles of my own to be concerned about the other person push, pulls, and deactivations ✌️
... Because denial is a big issue for many avoidants, they operate heavily from their subconscious fear & whatnot.Most securely attached folks walk away once the avoidant cycle starts up & most APs are able to take accountability due to usually not living in denial & functioning more from their conscious mind if their issues are brought to their attention.
Whoa this was exactly my situation from 6 months to a year and then we broke up.
I got heart broken and now have avoidant tendencies. How can I overcome this? I am still just talking about hook ups btw
You can set a clock by the Dismissive Avoidant...6 months is how long they can ignore or stuff down their relationship fears and then it blows up for them.
I speedrun it at only a little over 2 months by talking quite comfortably about my intimate life experiences & my emotions...I didn't hardly know him but he knew me pretty well & he started up the old push & pull cycle bad when he felt an attachment and feelings forming.At least it wasn't hard for me to walk away once I understood he was an avoidant because I didn't hardly know him.
Dag, why do you make us seem like narcissist?
pds has videos discussing they're not the same & thais has repeatedly noted DAs are actually the *least* likely to be narcissists
as an FA who primarily has relationships with DAs (platonic & romantic), partly as i grew up with narcissists, i appreciate the differences
although many who are upset seem to conflate the two rather than trying to actually understand them, i didn't see any support for that in this video
That's not true. They are MORE likely to be narcissists - because the conditions that shape narcissists are the same for DA.
@@Cre8Fire34 I can see narcissist most likely being anxiously attached. Or if they're avoidant, it's most likely fearful.
"that's not true" says an anonymous account 🤨 the *professional* w/10yrs+ of private practice plus experience creating & running PDS is a *far* more credible source imo
the OP is correct per multiple sources, including PDS 😉, the anxiously attached are *far* more likely to be narcissists - particularly covert/vulnerable/fragile types
though some behaviors may share superficial similarities with DAs & narcissists, the reasons & therefore best ways to address them as well as potential outcomes are incredibly different
narcissists want to control others to use for their "supply" whereas DAs tend to be counter-dependent as a defense mechanism to protect themselves & don't want that sort of burden
the "silent treatment" is used by a narc to "punish" & their relationships rarely improve whereas DAs are conflict avoidant & need space but tend to respond incredibly well to partners who understand them
more anxious attachments are often enabled to blame others which i suspect is at least partially influenced by what's the most profitable approach 😬 i'm grateful PDS focuses on *personal* development instead
@@r_and_a There are other attachment specialists, correct? In addition, there are some baseline parental and upbringing dynamics that are virtually the same. So perhaps it's not exact 1 =Other correlation, but it's safe to say DA are "narcissistic-adjacent". And I know two DA's that are both.
Probably because you are
They are horrible and selfish and refuse to work on themselves their behaviour is borderline abuse!! Stay clear of them my advice worst time of my life spending 4 years with one!! Hundreds probably thousands of pounds of therapy and the most horrific 3rd and final breakup with him. Never again!!!
real
All this is crap you made up. Cite a source for once if not.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4845754/
All the ones i watched say they disappear for few dats but what about few weeks ir more
The avoidant guy I was trying to get to know did that too, it can vary.
Thais , I am deleting a comment in reply to @r_and_a. Thanks again for a great post!
@@D_B6 a single reply to your other comment publicly posted on this video *literally* saying "that's interesting" & sharing my *personal* response to the same circumstances you described differs does *not* mean i chose to "target" you 🤨
"funny" how you "assume" so much despite ample evidence to the contrary 🤦 for example, plenty of comments on this very video show plenty do *not* "know the difference between DAs and narcissists"
idk what "we" or "patients" you're presuming to speak on behalf of but just as it's incorrect to "safely assume" what people know, *plenty* understandably "alienates people more than seeing: "it's unfortunate... spread misinformation"
my comments had nothing to do with "media bias" nor just my "own conception of the issues" but the examples i gave in relation to the content here - including misinformation which is *not* "as valid" 🤷
But it's educational to observe it.