I like it when someone shares that they're avoidant, comes in strong with a connection, pulls back, says they're overwhelmed, shuts down, and then says they never felt any emotional connection with you despite months of evidence to the contrary. We met up to talk and they told me go first and when I shared that I could see us progressing they said they only want something platonic. If that's genuine, okay, fair enough. But I have strong doubts given the intimacy and vulnerabilities we shared and their history of situationships. I've appreciated these videos not only for navigating this situation but my own remnant avoidant pieces. Mostly, it's helped me not to personalize and to focus on what I actually want and need from a relationship. Thanks for what you do!
They want it but are scared like little children. I've met a lot of older avoidant girls and they're miserable now. Looking back, they pushed away the ones they should have kept close. Just go with it, their words don't match their actions. They might say "platonic" but it's not what they mean otherwise they'll just cut you off
DA is a fantastic disorder. You can possess all these obvious dysfunctions yet you are allowed to ignore all signs & symptoms and Lord help the partner that attempts to talk about them. I will say, 4 months with a DA (and these videos) has taught me SO much about my own anxiety in a relationship. Learning to be patient, thoughtful and never taking the DA’s actions personally is SO empowering. I certainly need more from a relationship than I think I will ever get from my DA, but this mirror to my own soul has given me such confidence and started me down the path of security and hopefully a healthy fulfilling emotionally mature relationship.
Secret #3 is me! Too many times I’ve shared my feelings with a loved one and they were dismissive or denied. Or worse, me sharing my feelings makes them mad or hurts them in some way. Eventually I defaulted to not saying anything. I brought this coping mechanism into my romantic relationships. I’ve thought,”I can’t say anything wrong if I say nothing at all”.
Walk away, no- one healthy and healed has the time or mental fortitude to keep waiting for someone to become "conscious" of their repeated destructive patterns in relationships. Healing is a choice, choose yourself because they are not choosing to resolve their issues.❤
Thank you for this. It slowly sets in a bit more and more each day. It’s 2 months now. They officially told me it’s over a week ago or two max. Before it was 6 weeks of silence treatment and shutting me out. A discard. But, I was under the belief we would talk after her space was over. But nope. When I reached out to meet up to talk after being in fucking hell and agony for 5 weeks. She literally couldn’t be bothered to spend 5 minutes to even try to respond to meet up. Or call. Or FaceTime wrote a breakup text Shorter than this commmebt and disappeared like a coward. You literally drive yourself nuts waiting for these peoooe to wake the fuck up
@Thais is a DA whisperer. I didn't know myself. Certainly no one else knew me. People in general feel unsafe to me. period... It's helped me immensely to understand that my distrust of all people was an adaptive strategy remnant from an emotional neglect-based childhood conditioning intermittently reinforced with physical abuse. I was a far too sensitive a child to have adapted any other way. Thais' ability to help me put words to my inner world has helped me understand that the stories I tell myself about other's treachery aren't true of most people. 90+% people aren't sociopaths, even though my survival brain protects me by on some level assuming that they are. I've been able to quiet my hypervigilance. (I think one name for this process of quieting hypervigilance is reparenting.) Thank you @Thais for sharing your skill born of vast knowledge applied to experience. You make the world a safer place for those you touch.
The childhood examples always tug at my heartstrings. I imagine a little kid being told 'Get over it, don't be a baby' 😢 My sweet partner has trouble communicating his inner world, well, it is frustrating but watching your videos I understand him better and see that little boy who was never listenend to 😢
I’ve had the same exact thoughts. And he has opened up to some specifics of his childhood that seriously make the puzzle come together. I am learning how to communicate in effective ways he responds positively to me. It’s like having to have the knowledge of a therapist to crack their code.
The common story is that most people only ever understand all this after they’ve been discarded. We all end up here trying to understand what happened and we discover a world of complicated childhood trauma, attachment theory, all this crazy psychology that would have been too complex to manoeuvre anyway. My DA ex was terrified to communicate her needs, not until she was fully desperate and full deactivated and I was an anxious mess did she ask(demand) space, asking to cut down our contact to once a week! I was freaking out because I could see her pulling away and becoming distant. Almost impossible to fix the dynamic when they’re deactivated, you are an object of stress and oppression to them now, where are she used to run to me for comfort and connection.
This is so spot on, my wife DA and I separated several weeks ago, and me being highly anxious attached totally sabotaged any hopes of being good, and getting back together. Not knowing any of these things, I went into a anxious meltdown, completely pushing her away, and ultimately pushing her into not wanting anything, and to pull away completely. It's been awful, and forced me into anxious isolation.
I was aware of DA patterns and handled the situation by giving all the space in the world and it didn't fix the problem. I think some people are in the place to be able to heal when they have a partner who can work with their needs. But I think some aren't. Mine was aware of her patterns and pointed it out but it didn't stop her from discarding me anyways. Give yourself some grace
@@YoungFamAdventuresit’s provably harder with it being your wife but you can’t blame yourself. This is a disorder and illness that you did not create. I was patient and minimal reactions from AP style and gave 5 weeks of space and still got discarded via text. These people are avoidants. Avoidants are gonna avoid.
Their emotional bank account being empty is not some else’s responsibility. Any issue or concern or difficult conversation with them is criticism to them. Because no matter how flowery and kind you say something that has to do with your feelings or needs makes them feel not good enough and then they get defensive. If someone feels inadequate no matter how you express yourself they will take it as criticism.
@@productofthe80s61 why must anything be said? Make it about your needs - the #1 lesson I have taken from these videos. The DA does hear you. Now you’re not going to get immediate agreement or resolution to your issue like with a healthier person, but if you focus you will occasionally see effort. My favorite word is compromise, rather than ever ask them to “change”. I remind them I will remain in their life as long as I add value. I silently say the same thing to myself. When pain > value I get, I am done.
@@BurnerChannel-dt2mtnot in my experience. His is diagnosed strong and strong leaning FA. Nope; I didn’t dare a have a need or opinion after love nuked for a while. Walked on eggshells for years giving into every need whim demand. Then I found out about a few different types of betrayals and hidden addictions. A secret / hidden life. This was going on long long long before I met him.
@@BurnerChannel-dt2mt I think you missed the point. Telling them you have a need makes them feel inadequate and thus they get defensive and pull away. People can’t read your mind, if you have a need you should tell them, that’s called communication. You cannot have healthy or productive communication with an unhealed avoidant because they are so inward focused; it’s all about them. They can’t see things from your perspective or realize not everything is an attack or criticism. Their behavior may not be intentional but it is emotional and sometimes verbal abuse.
@@productofthe80s61 I don’t know. We seem to be on the same page in terms of expressing our needs. I don’t characterize a conversation about my needs as difficult or critical. I simply avoid including their behavior as that is certain to lead to a dead end. For instance “It doesn’t meet my needs to send you money for groceries. But one compromise might be to meet you at the store and shop together.” That puts the focus on the transaction, not the person - and probably less anxiety producing than saying [plus we can hang out together doing normal people things]. Yes. This is all rather silly to those who don’t understand the struggle we have with DAs. But like Hyman Roth said in the Godfather “this is the business we’ve chosen.”
I'm so glad I decided to opt out of dating and relationships and pursue my own healing instead. Secure people attract secure partners. Why waste time on being in insecure relationships when you can just heal and then go for someone on your level?
I did just that after 2 years of chasing, and I studied and worked on my AP ways. Now I couldn't be happier with my current partner who was also AP dating DA's and did the same. She is absolutely FANTASTIC and although I'm still friends with my ex DA, I'm glad I moved on from her in that way. ❤ cheers to you
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back...
So is you sharing that a specific behavior they do has a negative impact on you and has tou feel dishonored and disrespected and that you would feel far better and more hionored and respected via… Simple behavior. Not ghosting or ignoring and avoiding. Communication sornthijy. Anything. Being warmer. Having common courtesy. All things that we are asking too much of from them somehow. Yet we can bend over backwards to tip toe around their damaged heart, mind and soul and we don’t seem to take it as criticism or shame. Just us trying to learn how to love a broken individual better so we can be better partners for the people they love. Maybe they should try that. Take a page from our book. It’s called shut up. Listen. Care. Try to do something different based on what was shared. No one cares about you. This isn’t about you. It’s about a specific behavior we’re discussing that’s distresing. It’s literal hell to try to get them to participate in the basics of life and communication. Makes me want to gauge my eyes out .
@@kevinkurgansky4479 well said. Yeah there’s no introspection with my bf with extreme DA attachment style who leans extreme FA as well. It’s everyone else. Highly critical and judgmental of others; and the ones I love. Points the finger yet he’s struggles so extreme that he don’t even see his finger pointing and judgements are projection. There are 3 fingers pointing back at you dude. Tried telling him. Yet he says I am deflecting. Yet when I take 20 min first of all my faults and issues before respectfully; carefully; gently ask a basic need met ; he gets extremely defensive and starts going through the list of what I’m not. For another 10 min. Then; after circles we get no where and I stop it few min in. I try to stay on topic and he changes it and I just say ok. This conversation is going no where. I value my time; and I carry on my day. He wins because he doesn’t need to accept responsibility or hear my need; he protected himself and I go without once again. Yep. It’s a lonely life.
@@UnacceptableTeeI’m sorry to hear that. Mine left and discarded me. For better or worse. Perhaps for better given how insufferable it is to relate with an individual like this
I am so thankful that I came across your channel. I'm a lady with an anxious preoccupied attachment style dating a dismissive avoidant for the past 8 years. I was miserable for a long time wondering why he can't love me the way I need to be loved, i.e. talk and text several times a day, see each other often etc. Now I understand that my way is not the only way, he loves me in his avoidant way. He treats me the way he is conditioned as an avoidantt and it's not wrong, it's just different. Now I don't panic when I don't hear from him and I complain less because I understand him better. I'm much much happier and at peace. Thank you Thais.
Nope not ok. 8 years. Nope. I it’s not ok. I am tired of giving so much grace. I have been with my avoidant husband and it has nearly killed me. And we are finally in therapy I hope it goes well but we are both very hurt. I literally ask my husband today to share his feelings because he doesn’t share. We know each others love languages. I give him his but he doesn’t give me mine. So literally I have no gas in my “ love tank”. I am over it. It’s hard because asked him for 20 years really let’s go to therapy please. Let’s stick with our life coaches. Nope. I am even asked him about it today he’s is yes I agreed to everything I saw your pain, I saw your needs and I still neglected you. Yes he has. He has childhood trauma and I have childhood trauma as an anxious. But I need someone who is the long haul and he needs to really do the work. I feel I have been aleya been last. First is him then work, work and work then kids then something else. I hope everyone gets the help they need. I really do. Blessings.
@@duambapilarwehumbiza5409 it may get old. The breadcrumbs you get. If you can withstand it then good for you. It’s a very lonely place to be. My bf is extreme DA who also means extend FA. I was mildly anxious earned secure. Healing ❤️🩹 is great but when your partner isn’t wiling to do the same; despite knowing it may take him longer as his is extreme; it’s so painfully slow to non existent. I have created a life outside of my relationship and I don’t expect it to last much longer. That’s okay. We are all in our own path. It is what it is.
I was feeling a bit under the weather today due to a lot of work and am starting to ruminate a year in with my partner and its good to be reminded that I still have these habits and I still need to work on myself but also go a bit more easy on myself and continue to try and support what I have even if Im starting to slowly get overwhelmed again.
@SunshineAndSnowflakes Yeah I feel ya I havent cried since the time my mother told me to man up over 6 years back after being absolutely emotionally stomped by her toxic partner. Its been an amazing release and it helps my girlfriend doesnt judge me for it its just been such an extremely great 2 years finally feeling like I can let go.
Somehow burned out from 4 months on absorbing and processing information like that. Tonight after maybe 2 weeks or maybe more of...avoiding those topics... I start to watch and I immediately feel sleepy. A friend of mine is writing a book about her tremendous life ordeals, and every time she writes a page, slumber hits her. I'm pretty sure it's the polyvagal at hand here. Great video Thais, thank you once more.
100% relate to this one. Maybe in brief: the DA really really REALLY does not want to feel judged. Not judged for their feelings, not judged for what they do, or what they want, or how they are. And so they will keep a lot of things quiet, maybe even hide them from themselves not just from you, to try to avoid that judgement & hope they can just be accepted.
@@SK-no2pp I am not suggesting anyone accept poor behavior from their partner. Healthy people set boundaries. But some partners can be nitpicky and overbearing, and that can break a relationship with a DA without even being about any "real" problem
@SunshineAndSnowflakes It's the responsibility of the avoidant to communicate those needs and boundaries. It is not on anyone else to read their mind or put up with their immaturity. If they want to interact with other people, they need to learn to behave like adults.
Yep even something very little like we were going somewhere and he missed the turn even with gps, I told him you missed again! He then blamed me instead like I was distracted him.
Secret #3 is me! Too many times I’ve shared my feelings with a loved one and they were dismissive or denied. Or worse, me sharing my feelings makes them mad or hurts them in some way. Eventually I defaulted to not saying anything. I brought this coping mechanism into my romantic relationships. I’ve thought,”I can’t say anything wrong if I say nothing at all.”
The saddest part is that I'm someone who can read body language and behavior very, very well. It hurts when I can see someone doing this but there's only so much I can do. I know the feeling though since I grew up with a dismissive parent. It's like a piece of you dies every time it happens and you reach a point where it hurts so much more to try.
I feel this deeply. I’m FA but I often shut down sharing at a certain point when the other person gets defensive or angry or dismissive. Basically it’s like a freeze/fawn response
Thais makes it sound like communicating with a DA in a relationship is so easy. I was married to a DA woman for 12 years, and yes they are very sensitive to criticism. But guess what, they criticize themselves and you as their spouse will pay the price. Example 1: My ex-wife early in the marriage would say something like "I'm a terrible wife". I'd respond by saying "No, you are doing an awesome job." But she'd decide I was just saying that to be nice so the "criticism" that she made up in her mind stood as valid. Example 2: She'd make dinner and then say that I didn't like it. I'd respond that "it's fine, that's why I'm on my 3rd helping." She'd say, "you're just saying that to be nice, you don't like it. That's why long term relationships are nearly impossible with a DA. The DA will criticize themselves, then shutdown and eventually leave.
Very important question: If it's so difficult to have a long term relationship with a DA, how the hell did you marry one and stayed there for 12 years?! How and why?!
@@IvanVazquezS It's very simple, it's called taking your vows serious. The vows are For better or worse Through sickness or health For richer or poorer until death do us part Notice there is no -until I'm not happy -until I find someone new etc I could have done it another 60 years. Being married to a DA is like living alone. They avoid, avoid, avoid so you get used to being alone. They prioritize their friends over you so you get used to that life. One takes their vows in front of God. It's not a joke. 1 Corinthians 7 is why I agreed to let her go when she was super adamant about divorcing (she couldn't do it anymore, she wasn't happy, normal "whoa is me" lines from the modern woman) We have 3 kids. They all noticed that Mom always had to run off to hang out with friends instead of staying home with Dad and the kids. That Mom picked up smoking, that Mom has a foul mouth, that Mom started getting tats. Their Mom baited me in - she gave up smoking at 21 when trying to seduce me into asking her out, she stopped cursing etc all to bait me into asking her out. She played that "game" for about 7 years. That "game" ended after our 3rd kid. Then it was all "too hard" and she picked smoking back up, started getting tats, and the foul mouth came back. Time to hang out and get drunk with her tatted up, smoking, foul mouthed friends. Cuz that's "fun" For better or worse was the vows. So I wasn't going to quit on her, but she quit on me.
I'm sorry you had those experiences. All those examples you give are things covered in how to communicate and understand a DA in PDS. For example it might be best not to challenge them in the moment of saying they are an awful wife, and not by saying they are brilliant - it's too far from their belief. Instead find small examples of things they do right or well or that have meaning to you and drop small regular compliments or gratitude, keep it laid back not gushy or extreme. Little "drop and run" compliments in passing to them or in front of them to others have more impact.
@@emilyb5557 Yeah, Thais leads you to thinking this stuff works 95% of the time, but it's still 50-50 if you do everything perfect. It comes down to the other person. I naturally did most things right, the way Thais says one should interact in a relationship. I was raised by parents that have been together 50+ years and 90% of my Aunts and Uncles have been together 50+ years. My ex-wife's parents were divorced, her Aunts and Uncles 50% divorce rate. 90% of her female friends divorced. Just like a teacher that is the best teacher, they can't get 100% of the class to get A's. It still comes down to the student and whether or not they want to learn. When a spouse decides to quit in a marriage you can't make/persuade/say/do/anything that will make them buy back in. It's their choice. She choose cigarettes, tattoos, cursing, alcohol, partying and adultery. My ex-wife said no to counseling, no to reading the "5 love languages", no to reading "Attachment". She literally checked out for the final 7 years of marriage. No touching allowed, no date nights allowed, she stopped cleaning, doing any dishes, any cooking. I was going solo those final 7 years raising 3 kids paying 100% of the bills then doing 100% of the cooking, cleaning, etc, to go along with all the man chores, mowing, shoveling, fixing things around the house. She was trying to get me to cheat on her so she could divorce me for being unfaithful. Men know, it happens a lot. Half will cheat (wrong 100% of the time), 10% will divorce her for withholding, 40% stick it out for the kids and suffer in silence as its embarrassing to admit you are married and haven't had s3x in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. Thais' magic words don't work in 100% of the cases.
If you ask them for some affection they will say you’re too needy! We didn’t have sex for 12 years and nothing even holding hand! He told neighbors that I was too needy!
This is why it's so important to rise above the approval of others. I was always bullied into conforming to everyone else's comfort level and shamed for having a different viewpoint. Once I stopped caring what others thought of me, life became EXTRAORDINARILY better, go figure. As someone who tested SA and leans avoidant, it was transformative to apply the old saying by Dr. Seuss that goes, "be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind."
As a FA I learned that writing letters to people helped me express myself. I verbally cannot do it, I will get very sick n nauseated n feel overwhelmed n then need to smoke because all of these unnecessary ass emotions n thoughts start flooding my head. I’ll convince myself to not express myself n my partner will think idc or I’m not affectionate or they feel like they never know where they stand with me. writing letters alone while nobody is around works. But I have to watch them read it 🤧😩😩 just so I can observe everything little thing about how they’re reacting to what I’m saying & even that makes me cringe 😢 I need help
DA - ghosting, stonewalling, not expressing feelings, can’t support partner Anyone: I noticed that you XYZ DA: runs away further… I’m sensitive to criticism
…add RSD. “It’s all your fault! You attempted to be emotionally close and connect with me!! (And I’m too emotionally immature to try and connect with you - too much self reflection) It’s over, we’re done..!” - DA
@@sf808opalaman Man you just unlocked a whole new power for me !!! RSD.. I had never heard of it!!! wiki Rejection sensitivity Dysphoria Karen Horney was the first theorist to discuss the phenomenon of rejection sensitivity.[51] She suggested that it is a component of the neurotic personality, and that it is a tendency to feel deep anxiety and humiliation at the slightest rebuff. Simply being made to wait, for example, could be viewed as a rejection and met with extreme anger and hostility.[52] Albert Mehrabian developed an early questionnaire measure of rejection sensitivity.[53] Mehrabian suggested that sensitive individuals are reluctant to express opinions, tend to avoid arguments or controversial discussions, are reluctant to make requests or impose on others, are easily hurt by negative feedback from others, and tend to rely too much on familiar others and situations so as to avoid rejection. A more recent (1996) definition of rejection sensitivity is the tendency to "anxiously expect, readily perceive, and overreact" to social rejection.[54] People differ in their readiness to perceive and react to rejection.[54] The causes of individual differences in rejection sensitivity are not well understood. Because of the association between rejection sensitivity and neuroticism, there is a likely genetic predisposition.[55] Rejection sensitive dysphoria, while not a formal diagnosis, is also a common symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, estimated to affect a majority of people with ADHD.[56][57][58] Others posit that rejection sensitivity stems from early attachment relationships and parental rejection;[55] peer rejection is also thought to play a role.[55][59] Bullying, an extreme form of peer rejection, is likely connected to later rejection sensitivity.[55] However, there is no conclusive evidence for any of these theories.[55]
Runs away further? I wish that was the worst of it. Abrupt and ruthless discard with zero empathy and feelings. Dead behind the eyes. Questioning your entire reality and sense of sanity and whether anything you ever felt was even real if they’re acting like this out of a sudden. I would take my inept pulled back DA over this shell of a human / monster. I know it’s trauma based and yada yada but there are certain things that can’t be reduced and blamed on this. It’s really simple. Treat others how you want to be treated. She gets righteously indignated when she doesn’t get a reply within a few hours from a boss or work associate or someone she’s interviewing or a boss meeting etc or even just a breakup. Wouldn’t you want to approach things in a decent way and not in a heartless text? They clearly do care about the person like the video says. They just have a complete inability to show it.
@@stickyslugsI’m not sure what the punching bag analogy is but the constant neglect and abuse is very real. Bringing up a normal relationship concern. Not being able to talk about it. Getting shut out. Walking on egg shells. Revolving around a fractured persons capacity and bandwidth and constantly second guessing yourself. One wrong move and you’re discarded and avoided and stone walled for weeks or months even. Maybe these don’t look like punches to you but sometimes dismissal and silence hurts more than a strike does. They should know right? Their entire fucking wounding came from dismissal and emotional neglect. And now they’re doing the same to any idiot who’s too dumb to value themselves enough to nit go through this hell
Exactly emotional, physical and sexual neglect. 20 years of marriage and finally he is getting and we are getting therapy though I done know if this marriage therapist is knowledgeable enough to deal with sexless marriages and why I stepped out of mine. So much neglect it kills your self-esteem and your spirit not mention your mental health. So many episodes of depression. Currently going through through deep waves of grief. I hope we can truly heal. Both of us from childhood trauma. I am tired of being with his avoidant behavior it doesn’t do good for the marriage. God help us all.
@@kevinkurgansky4479 exactly real concerns it’s a slow abuse. I shared that with him today. He was like what? 20 years I have waited. I have talked to him until my mouth was blue. Then he would appease me yeah yeah I will go therapy. So I would shut my mouth for 8 months then again would start to talk to him. REAL relationship concerns. Please quality time. Please let’s make love. Please I need hugs. Normal marriage behaviors. I am exhausted.
Though my life has been relatively smooth. The reason I am a Dismissive Avoidant. My direct family doesn’t communicate through their words, only actions. Things I learned growing up: “Do as I say, not as I do” “Your feelings don’t matter, figure it out yourself” I love you when you do what I tell you, never question my authority” “If you stand up for yourself, your a monster” “I am here to provide all your needs, except mental health and it’s not my job to entertain you”
This makes lot of sense. I just don’t think my FA ever knew why she’s going through a lot this. Sabotaging relationships and cheating. Remember one time she admitted that she mentally ill. But she wasn’t aware of she has attachment problems not mental illness. But think she is mentally unstable just accept the fact. It’s really sad and there’s so much help at there for people to redirect their behavior and be aware of their attachment.
explains why he said he isn't ready to read the email i sent him, he said i don't want to be criticized in your email. I said it there was no criticism in it, it was me deciding to walk away to focus on myself. expressed my true feelings about him,. he discarded me after me traveling to see him in another state. his excuse was he is having health issues. but no it can't be that when you went from contacting me all the time and when i questioned if he met someone else, then he has me blocked everywhere. he refuses to respond to my emails except for the one i sent this sucks you hate me, he said he didn't for me to stop overthinking.. haven't heard from him since.. this is so frustrating.. thinking he is a DA, and after watching these videos thinking i might have anxious style attachment.
Honestly I could write a book about my experiences with my EX fa and the relationship ... Its all new to me attachment styles It's even got me interested in retraining as a counsellor ... She did say " Martin i hope there's nothing you find out about me that makes you leave " Did she know she was an avoidant ??
Omg how exhausting who on earth would have the time and energy to waste on such a needy individual? What a waste of life pandering to so many insecurities.. sounds boring to me..
Can we talk more of how dismissive treat they’re friends? Or if they’re crushing on a friend? I was friends with a DA and they recently blocked me out of no where for no reason.
Whenever I express my emotions to my DA… there are days when he’s done to hear it but only listens to 1/2 of what I’m even saying to him. Then will say “ I don’t care how you’re feeling, it’s not my problem “. I tried many times to discuss things with him. He would immediately shut me down and call me a psycho! 😢 it’s super hurtful and humiliating to have someone you love tell you that you don’t matter and that your feelings aren’t important at all😢
The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, and I don’t want to label him, but I will say that this isn’t acceptable behaviour in a partner, no matter their attachment style. You ARE important and so are your feelings and needs. You don’t have to over explain to him why they are.
You answered your own question by using the word "attached". Yes, DAs feel attracted and attached very quickly, hence the love-bombing. But you need to ask yourself, is it merely "attachment" or genuine "love and care"? And in order to find that out, one must, unfortunately, invest quite some time and probably end up hurt and disappointed. If the connection feels like an addiction / limerence very quickly, it's most likely an attachment style response. Not always, but I've noticed that myself. I actually said this to my DA friend two days ago, "Sometimes, I wonder was it even real or just an attachment?" He (DA) said, "That sounds quite harsh." He thinks his feelings are real for me. He is fully aware of his DA and works on his trauma. Unfortunately, he developed his DA after his deployment from Afghanistan. So he's working on multiple issues right now next to his attachment style, such as PTSD. We established boundaries in our open and honest communication to not stir up any more limerence because he's not ready to commit the way he is right now. But we talk daily. It's just sad we cannot talk to each other like we used to, but it would only confuse the two of us and get the two of us "too attached" and hurt without knowing whether we can ever make this relationship work given the work and healing he has still to do.
I'm sure it varies and some DAs can't get there, but definitely some can. But it might also depend on what "attached" means to you exactly. Committed, helpful, supportive - yes. Dependent on you - maybe not ever.
It’s likely he’ll never reach out to you again at some point and discard you, if he’s a DA. And when it happens it’s cruel as all hell. You can learn to tap dance around their patterns and walk on egg shells so as to not set them off. I did this for 12 months. Consciously. Was never worth the fight or triggering her so I just swallowed it. But eventually they pull away enough or act so different then your self respect won’t let you swallow it and you will have to say something. That will be the demise of your relationship as you know it. I even prefaced what I said as hey I haven’t wanted to bring this up to you bcuz of xyz pattern you feeling bad shame not good enough side skirting the issue. Creating a disturbance in the night. . Not really helping anyway. Making things worsen then the underlying isn’t even solved. And now I’m more angry because I actually aTRIED to do it and it went nowhere. Less pain when you ddon’t have the misguided expectations that it may help. I brought it up saying I don’t want to beliege these things or feel like can’t express myself. I want us both to be able to feel like it something is hurting or upsetting us that we CJ’s bring it up to our partner and talk about it. I’m scared of bringing it up now to be honest. I’m scared it’ll trigger you or have to walk away from the relationship together. If that’s the result that takes place just from me choosing to speak up about my needs for the first time in a year then it is what it is. I’ll have to deal with it. But if I lose a relationship over this then what I think I’m losing isn’t really even a relationship. It’s a one sided dynamic I’m losing the the other person decides not to want to have to Be present or attentive to anyone needs besides themselves.
Speak at your own risk. Even if it’s not super harsh. It’s not just criticism that the trigger, it’s their core feelint of shame and not being good enough Plus them feeling misunderstood
@@kevinkurgansky4479 I appreciate your experience n input, I think you’re correct. Nothing I’m willing to have to deal with! After being discarded, my apologies were ignored, so time to move on.
For me he was lying, sneaking around with his "ex" the entire 6 years. Caught him when he was "at work" driving his narcissist around then he says she was a colleague... umm no... it was his narcissist master "needing" his "help". Tgey can have each other. I'm sensitive too...
Why is FA so critical of partner for small stuff while being extremely sensitive to any feedback/criticism on their own shortcomings? .. going by this video, if they go into overdraft mode with criticism and require positive communication style, why don't they give the same consideration to others?
rewatch the very 1st part, even though this is about DAs not FAs, it's about *subconscious* patterns - *all* insecure styles have counterproductive tendencies & what can seem like double standards on the surface
I like it when someone shares that they're avoidant, comes in strong with a connection, pulls back, says they're overwhelmed, shuts down, and then says they never felt any emotional connection with you despite months of evidence to the contrary. We met up to talk and they told me go first and when I shared that I could see us progressing they said they only want something platonic. If that's genuine, okay, fair enough. But I have strong doubts given the intimacy and vulnerabilities we shared and their history of situationships. I've appreciated these videos not only for navigating this situation but my own remnant avoidant pieces. Mostly, it's helped me not to personalize and to focus on what I actually want and need from a relationship. Thanks for what you do!
It’s all coping
They want it but are scared like little children. I've met a lot of older avoidant girls and they're miserable now. Looking back, they pushed away the ones they should have kept close. Just go with it, their words don't match their actions. They might say "platonic" but it's not what they mean otherwise they'll just cut you off
DA is a fantastic disorder. You can possess all these obvious dysfunctions yet you are allowed to ignore all signs & symptoms and Lord help the partner that attempts to talk about them.
I will say, 4 months with a DA (and these videos) has taught me SO much about my own anxiety in a relationship. Learning to be patient, thoughtful and never taking the DA’s actions personally is SO empowering.
I certainly need more from a relationship than I think I will ever get from my DA, but this mirror to my own soul has given me such confidence and started me down the path of security and hopefully a healthy fulfilling emotionally mature relationship.
Secret #3 is me! Too many times I’ve shared my feelings with a loved one and they were dismissive or denied. Or worse, me sharing my feelings makes them mad or hurts them in some way. Eventually I defaulted to not saying anything. I brought this coping mechanism into my romantic relationships. I’ve thought,”I can’t say anything wrong if I say nothing at all”.
What you described is exactly what I went through these past 2 months....wow. they're like copies of each other....
Walk away, no- one healthy and healed has the time or mental fortitude to keep waiting for someone to become "conscious" of their repeated destructive patterns in relationships. Healing is a choice, choose yourself because they are not choosing to resolve their issues.❤
Thank you for this. It slowly sets in a bit more and more each day. It’s 2 months now. They officially told me it’s over a week ago or two max. Before it was 6 weeks of silence treatment and shutting me out. A discard. But, I was under the belief we would talk after her space was over. But nope. When I reached out to meet up to talk after being in fucking hell and agony for 5 weeks. She literally couldn’t be bothered to spend 5 minutes to even try to respond to meet up. Or call. Or FaceTime wrote a breakup text
Shorter than this commmebt and disappeared like a coward. You literally drive yourself nuts waiting for these peoooe to wake the fuck up
It's literally not for the weak heart.@@kevinkurgansky4479
@Thais is a DA whisperer. I didn't know myself. Certainly no one else knew me. People in general feel unsafe to me. period... It's helped me immensely to understand that my distrust of all people was an adaptive strategy remnant from an emotional neglect-based childhood conditioning intermittently reinforced with physical abuse. I was a far too sensitive a child to have adapted any other way. Thais' ability to help me put words to my inner world has helped me understand that the stories I tell myself about other's treachery aren't true of most people. 90+% people aren't sociopaths, even though my survival brain protects me by on some level assuming that they are. I've been able to quiet my hypervigilance. (I think one name for this process of quieting hypervigilance is reparenting.) Thank you @Thais for sharing your skill born of vast knowledge applied to experience. You make the world a safer place for those you touch.
You’re more likely FA leaning DA
❤❤ Thais and PDS make such a difference by helping us understand our own experiences and filters.
🙌🏻
The childhood examples always tug at my heartstrings. I imagine a little kid being told 'Get over it, don't be a baby' 😢 My sweet partner has trouble communicating his inner world, well, it is frustrating but watching your videos I understand him better and see that little boy who was never listenend to 😢
I’ve had the same exact thoughts. And he has opened up to some specifics of his childhood that seriously make the puzzle come together. I am learning how to communicate in effective ways he responds positively to me. It’s like having to have the knowledge of a therapist to crack their code.
Until you realize they do the same thing with others and avoidance causes avoidance. Empathy for how a now 30 year old grew up only goes so far...
The common story is that most people only ever understand all this after they’ve been discarded. We all end up here trying to understand what happened and we discover a world of complicated childhood trauma, attachment theory, all this crazy psychology that would have been too complex to manoeuvre anyway. My DA ex was terrified to communicate her needs, not until she was fully desperate and full deactivated and I was an anxious mess did she ask(demand) space, asking to cut down our contact to once a week! I was freaking out because I could see her pulling away and becoming distant. Almost impossible to fix the dynamic when they’re deactivated, you are an object of stress and oppression to them now, where are she used to run to me for comfort and connection.
This is so spot on, my wife DA and I separated several weeks ago, and me being highly anxious attached totally sabotaged any hopes of being good, and getting back together.
Not knowing any of these things, I went into a anxious meltdown, completely pushing her away, and ultimately pushing her into not wanting anything, and to pull away completely.
It's been awful, and forced me into anxious isolation.
I was aware of DA patterns and handled the situation by giving all the space in the world and it didn't fix the problem. I think some people are in the place to be able to heal when they have a partner who can work with their needs. But I think some aren't. Mine was aware of her patterns and pointed it out but it didn't stop her from discarding me anyways. Give yourself some grace
@@NinetaledLadysame here
@@YoungFamAdventuresit’s provably harder with it being your wife but you can’t blame yourself. This is a disorder and illness that you did not create. I was patient and minimal reactions from AP style and gave 5 weeks of space and still got discarded via text. These people are avoidants. Avoidants are gonna avoid.
Their emotional bank account being empty is not some else’s responsibility. Any issue or concern or difficult conversation with them is criticism to them. Because no matter how flowery and kind you say something that has to do with your feelings or needs makes them feel not good enough and then they get defensive. If someone feels inadequate no matter how you express yourself they will take it as criticism.
👌
@@productofthe80s61 why must anything be said? Make it about your needs - the #1 lesson I have taken from these videos. The DA does hear you. Now you’re not going to get immediate agreement or resolution to your issue like with a healthier person, but if you focus you will occasionally see effort. My favorite word is compromise, rather than ever ask them to “change”. I remind them I will remain in their life as long as I add value. I silently say the same thing to myself. When pain > value I get, I am done.
@@BurnerChannel-dt2mtnot in my experience. His is diagnosed strong and strong leaning FA. Nope; I didn’t dare a have a need or opinion after love nuked for a while. Walked on eggshells for years giving into every need whim demand. Then I found out about a few different types of betrayals and hidden addictions. A secret / hidden life. This was going on long long long before I met him.
@@BurnerChannel-dt2mt I think you missed the point. Telling them you have a need makes them feel inadequate and thus they get defensive and pull away. People can’t read your mind, if you have a need you should tell them, that’s called communication. You cannot have healthy or productive communication with an unhealed avoidant because they are so inward focused; it’s all about them. They can’t see things from your perspective or realize not everything is an attack or criticism. Their behavior may not be intentional but it is emotional and sometimes verbal abuse.
@@productofthe80s61 I don’t know. We seem to be on the same page in terms of expressing our needs. I don’t characterize a conversation about my needs as difficult or critical. I simply avoid including their behavior as that is certain to lead to a dead end. For instance “It doesn’t meet my needs to send you money for groceries. But one compromise might be to meet you at the store and shop together.” That puts the focus on the transaction, not the person - and probably less anxiety producing than saying [plus we can hang out together doing normal people things]. Yes. This is all rather silly to those who don’t understand the struggle we have with DAs. But like Hyman Roth said in the Godfather “this is the business we’ve chosen.”
I'm so glad I decided to opt out of dating and relationships and pursue my own healing instead. Secure people attract secure partners. Why waste time on being in insecure relationships when you can just heal and then go for someone on your level?
I did just that after 2 years of chasing, and I studied and worked on my AP ways. Now I couldn't be happier with my current partner who was also AP dating DA's and did the same. She is absolutely FANTASTIC and although I'm still friends with my ex DA, I'm glad I moved on from her in that way. ❤ cheers to you
This 🙌🏻💯
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back...
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Caveat to #2: you having any feeling or preference is taken as criticism.
lol yep
So is you sharing that a specific behavior they do has a negative impact on you and has tou feel dishonored and disrespected and that you would feel far better and more hionored and respected via… Simple behavior. Not ghosting or ignoring and avoiding. Communication sornthijy. Anything. Being warmer. Having common courtesy. All things that we are asking too much of from them somehow. Yet we can bend over backwards to tip toe around their damaged heart, mind and soul and we don’t seem to take it as criticism or shame. Just us trying to learn how to love a broken individual better so we can be better partners for the people they love. Maybe they should try that. Take a page from our book. It’s called shut up. Listen. Care. Try to do something different based on what was shared. No one cares about you. This isn’t about you. It’s about a specific behavior we’re discussing that’s distresing. It’s literal hell to try to get them to participate in the basics of life and communication. Makes me want to gauge my eyes out .
@@itsaplantlife9850 if I disagreed with anything I was very disrespectful. I must have same views and options as him or I was no good.
@@kevinkurgansky4479 well said. Yeah there’s no introspection with my bf with extreme DA attachment style who leans extreme FA as well.
It’s everyone else. Highly critical and judgmental of others; and the ones I love. Points the finger yet he’s struggles so extreme that he don’t even see his finger pointing and judgements are projection. There are 3 fingers pointing back at you dude. Tried telling him. Yet he says I am deflecting. Yet when I take 20 min first of all my faults and issues before respectfully; carefully; gently ask a basic need met ; he gets extremely defensive and starts going through the list of what I’m not. For another 10 min. Then; after circles we get no where and I stop it few min in. I try to stay on topic and he changes it and I just say ok. This conversation is going no where. I value my time; and I carry on my day. He wins because he doesn’t need to accept responsibility or hear my need; he protected himself and I go without once again. Yep.
It’s a lonely life.
@@UnacceptableTeeI’m sorry to hear that. Mine left and discarded me. For better or worse. Perhaps for better given how insufferable it is to relate with an individual like this
I am so thankful that I came across your channel. I'm a lady with an anxious preoccupied attachment style dating a dismissive avoidant for the past 8 years. I was miserable for a long time wondering why he can't love me the way I need to be loved, i.e. talk and text several times a day, see each other often etc. Now I understand that my way is not the only way, he loves me in his avoidant way. He treats me the way he is conditioned as an avoidantt and it's not wrong, it's just different. Now I don't panic when I don't hear from him and I complain less because I understand him better. I'm much much happier and at peace. Thank you Thais.
So after 8 years, you are still not living together?
@@tequilabumbum4373’dating’ for 8 years…
Nope not ok. 8 years. Nope. I it’s not ok. I am tired of giving so much grace.
I have been with my avoidant husband and it has nearly killed me. And we are finally in therapy I hope it goes well but we are both very hurt. I literally ask my husband today to share his feelings because he doesn’t share. We know each others love languages. I give him his but he doesn’t give me mine. So literally I have no gas in my “ love tank”. I am over it. It’s hard because asked him for 20 years really let’s go to therapy please. Let’s stick with our life coaches. Nope. I am even asked him about it today he’s is yes I agreed to everything I saw your pain, I saw your needs and I still neglected you. Yes he has. He has childhood trauma and I have childhood trauma as an anxious. But I need someone who is the long haul and he needs to really do the work. I feel I have been aleya been last. First is him then work, work and work then kids then something else. I hope everyone gets the help they need. I really do. Blessings.
Just don’t neglect your needs…
@@duambapilarwehumbiza5409 it may get old. The breadcrumbs you get. If you can withstand it then good for you. It’s a very lonely place to be. My bf is extreme DA who also means extend FA. I was mildly anxious earned secure. Healing ❤️🩹 is great but when your partner isn’t wiling to do the same; despite knowing it may take him longer as his is extreme; it’s so painfully slow to non existent. I have created a life outside of my relationship and I don’t expect it to last much longer. That’s okay. We are all in our own path. It is what it is.
I was feeling a bit under the weather today due to a lot of work and am starting to ruminate a year in with my partner and its good to be reminded that I still have these habits and I still need to work on myself but also go a bit more easy on myself and continue to try and support what I have even if Im starting to slowly get overwhelmed again.
@SunshineAndSnowflakes Yeah I feel ya I havent cried since the time my mother told me to man up over 6 years back after being absolutely emotionally stomped by her toxic partner. Its been an amazing release and it helps my girlfriend doesnt judge me for it its just been such an extremely great 2 years finally feeling like I can let go.
Somehow burned out from 4 months on absorbing and processing information like that. Tonight after maybe 2 weeks or maybe more of...avoiding those topics... I start to watch and I immediately feel sleepy.
A friend of mine is writing a book about her tremendous life ordeals, and every time she writes a page, slumber hits her.
I'm pretty sure it's the polyvagal at hand here.
Great video Thais, thank you once more.
100% relate to this one. Maybe in brief: the DA really really REALLY does not want to feel judged.
Not judged for their feelings, not judged for what they do, or what they want, or how they are.
And so they will keep a lot of things quiet, maybe even hide them from themselves not just from you, to try to avoid that judgement & hope they can just be accepted.
Sure not sure how that helps a relationship and not even wanting to be called out for poor behavior
@@SK-no2pp I am not suggesting anyone accept poor behavior from their partner. Healthy people set boundaries.
But some partners can be nitpicky and overbearing, and that can break a relationship with a DA without even being about any "real" problem
@SunshineAndSnowflakes It's the responsibility of the avoidant to communicate those needs and boundaries. It is not on anyone else to read their mind or put up with their immaturity. If they want to interact with other people, they need to learn to behave like adults.
Yep even something very little like we were going somewhere and he missed the turn even with gps, I told him you missed again! He then blamed me instead like I was distracted him.
I just wanted to say thank you. I have a deep appreciation for experienced and wise therapist.
Secret #3 is me! Too many times I’ve shared my feelings with a loved one and they were dismissive or denied. Or worse, me sharing my feelings makes them mad or hurts them in some way. Eventually I defaulted to not saying anything. I brought this coping mechanism into my romantic relationships. I’ve thought,”I can’t say anything wrong if I say nothing at all.”
The saddest part is that I'm someone who can read body language and behavior very, very well. It hurts when I can see someone doing this but there's only so much I can do. I know the feeling though since I grew up with a dismissive parent. It's like a piece of you dies every time it happens and you reach a point where it hurts so much more to try.
I feel this deeply. I’m FA but I often shut down sharing at a certain point when the other person gets defensive or angry or dismissive. Basically it’s like a freeze/fawn response
Thais makes it sound like communicating with a DA in a relationship is so easy. I was married to a DA woman for 12 years, and yes they are very sensitive to criticism. But guess what, they criticize themselves and you as their spouse will pay the price.
Example 1: My ex-wife early in the marriage would say something like "I'm a terrible wife". I'd respond by saying "No, you are doing an awesome job." But she'd decide I was just saying that to be nice so the "criticism" that she made up in her mind stood as valid.
Example 2: She'd make dinner and then say that I didn't like it. I'd respond that "it's fine, that's why I'm on my 3rd helping." She'd say, "you're just saying that to be nice, you don't like it.
That's why long term relationships are nearly impossible with a DA. The DA will criticize themselves, then shutdown and eventually leave.
Very important question: If it's so difficult to have a long term relationship with a DA, how the hell did you marry one and stayed there for 12 years?! How and why?!
@@IvanVazquezS It's very simple, it's called taking your vows serious. The vows are
For better or worse
Through sickness or health
For richer or poorer
until death do us part
Notice there is no
-until I'm not happy
-until I find someone new
etc
I could have done it another 60 years. Being married to a DA is like living alone. They avoid, avoid, avoid so you get used to being alone. They prioritize their friends over you so you get used to that life. One takes their vows in front of God. It's not a joke.
1 Corinthians 7 is why I agreed to let her go when she was super adamant about divorcing (she couldn't do it anymore, she wasn't happy, normal "whoa is me" lines from the modern woman)
We have 3 kids. They all noticed that Mom always had to run off to hang out with friends instead of staying home with Dad and the kids. That Mom picked up smoking, that Mom has a foul mouth, that Mom started getting tats. Their Mom baited me in - she gave up smoking at 21 when trying to seduce me into asking her out, she stopped cursing etc all to bait me into asking her out. She played that "game" for about 7 years.
That "game" ended after our 3rd kid. Then it was all "too hard" and she picked smoking back up, started getting tats, and the foul mouth came back. Time to hang out and get drunk with her tatted up, smoking, foul mouthed friends. Cuz that's "fun"
For better or worse was the vows. So I wasn't going to quit on her, but she quit on me.
I'm sorry you had those experiences. All those examples you give are things covered in how to communicate and understand a DA in PDS. For example it might be best not to challenge them in the moment of saying they are an awful wife, and not by saying they are brilliant - it's too far from their belief. Instead find small examples of things they do right or well or that have meaning to you and drop small regular compliments or gratitude, keep it laid back not gushy or extreme. Little "drop and run" compliments in passing to them or in front of them to others have more impact.
@@emilyb5557 Yeah, Thais leads you to thinking this stuff works 95% of the time, but it's still 50-50 if you do everything perfect. It comes down to the other person.
I naturally did most things right, the way Thais says one should interact in a relationship. I was raised by parents that have been together 50+ years and 90% of my Aunts and Uncles have been together 50+ years. My ex-wife's parents were divorced, her Aunts and Uncles 50% divorce rate. 90% of her female friends divorced.
Just like a teacher that is the best teacher, they can't get 100% of the class to get A's. It still comes down to the student and whether or not they want to learn. When a spouse decides to quit in a marriage you can't make/persuade/say/do/anything that will make them buy back in. It's their choice. She choose cigarettes, tattoos, cursing, alcohol, partying and adultery.
My ex-wife said no to counseling, no to reading the "5 love languages", no to reading "Attachment". She literally checked out for the final 7 years of marriage. No touching allowed, no date nights allowed, she stopped cleaning, doing any dishes, any cooking. I was going solo those final 7 years raising 3 kids paying 100% of the bills then doing 100% of the cooking, cleaning, etc, to go along with all the man chores, mowing, shoveling, fixing things around the house. She was trying to get me to cheat on her so she could divorce me for being unfaithful. Men know, it happens a lot. Half will cheat (wrong 100% of the time), 10% will divorce her for withholding, 40% stick it out for the kids and suffer in silence as its embarrassing to admit you are married and haven't had s3x in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years.
Thais' magic words don't work in 100% of the cases.
If you ask them for some affection they will say you’re too needy! We didn’t have sex for 12 years and nothing even holding hand! He told neighbors that I was too needy!
This is why it's so important to rise above the approval of others. I was always bullied into conforming to everyone else's comfort level and shamed for having a different viewpoint. Once I stopped caring what others thought of me, life became EXTRAORDINARILY better, go figure. As someone who tested SA and leans avoidant, it was transformative to apply the old saying by Dr. Seuss that goes, "be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind."
Sounds good on the surface, but sometimes caring about what others think about us keeps us from wasting time with some people...
@@tarkov_6 you're going to have to explain that one. It doesn't make any sense to me.
You share so much for us to work through and understand. Eternally grateful for you ❤
As a FA I learned that writing letters to people helped me express myself. I verbally cannot do it, I will get very sick n nauseated n feel overwhelmed n then need to smoke because all of these unnecessary ass emotions n thoughts start flooding my head. I’ll convince myself to not express myself n my partner will think idc or I’m not affectionate or they feel like they never know where they stand with me. writing letters alone while nobody is around works. But I have to watch them read it 🤧😩😩 just so I can observe everything little thing about how they’re reacting to what I’m saying & even that makes me cringe 😢 I need help
DA - ghosting, stonewalling, not expressing feelings, can’t support partner
Anyone: I noticed that you XYZ
DA: runs away further… I’m sensitive to criticism
…add RSD.
“It’s all your fault! You attempted to be emotionally close and connect with me!!
(And I’m too emotionally immature to try and connect with you - too much self reflection)
It’s over, we’re done..!” - DA
😂👌
😂👌
@@sf808opalaman Man you just unlocked a whole new power for me !!! RSD.. I had never heard of it!!!
wiki
Rejection sensitivity Dysphoria
Karen Horney was the first theorist to discuss the phenomenon of rejection sensitivity.[51] She suggested that it is a component of the neurotic personality, and that it is a tendency to feel deep anxiety and humiliation at the slightest rebuff. Simply being made to wait, for example, could be viewed as a rejection and met with extreme anger and hostility.[52]
Albert Mehrabian developed an early questionnaire measure of rejection sensitivity.[53] Mehrabian suggested that sensitive individuals are reluctant to express opinions, tend to avoid arguments or controversial discussions, are reluctant to make requests or impose on others, are easily hurt by negative feedback from others, and tend to rely too much on familiar others and situations so as to avoid rejection.
A more recent (1996) definition of rejection sensitivity is the tendency to "anxiously expect, readily perceive, and overreact" to social rejection.[54] People differ in their readiness to perceive and react to rejection.[54] The causes of individual differences in rejection sensitivity are not well understood. Because of the association between rejection sensitivity and neuroticism, there is a likely genetic predisposition.[55] Rejection sensitive dysphoria, while not a formal diagnosis, is also a common symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, estimated to affect a majority of people with ADHD.[56][57][58] Others posit that rejection sensitivity stems from early attachment relationships and parental rejection;[55] peer rejection is also thought to play a role.[55][59] Bullying, an extreme form of peer rejection, is likely connected to later rejection sensitivity.[55] However, there is no conclusive evidence for any of these theories.[55]
Runs away further? I wish that was the worst of it. Abrupt and ruthless discard with zero empathy and feelings. Dead behind the eyes. Questioning your entire reality and sense of sanity and whether anything you ever felt was even real if they’re acting like this out of a sudden. I would take my inept pulled back DA over this shell of a human / monster. I know it’s trauma based and yada yada but there are certain things that can’t be reduced and blamed on this. It’s really simple. Treat others how you want to be treated. She gets righteously indignated when she doesn’t get a reply within a few hours from a boss or work associate or someone she’s interviewing or a boss meeting etc or even just a breakup. Wouldn’t you want to approach things in a decent way and not in a heartless text? They clearly do care about the person like the video says. They just have a complete inability to show it.
Avoid avoidant. You don't need to be a punishing bag for them.... Unless you love them and willing to go through hell.
@@tabasdezh Exactly, emotional abuse is ABUSE. Period. You might love them but they are not worth the psychological pain and suffering.
How are they punching bags? They typically don't ask, whine, or demand anything? Seems to be an AP characteristic. Hmmm.
@@stickyslugsI’m not sure what the punching bag analogy is but the constant neglect and abuse is very real. Bringing up a normal relationship concern. Not being able to talk about it. Getting shut out. Walking on egg shells. Revolving around a fractured persons capacity and bandwidth and constantly second guessing yourself. One wrong move and you’re discarded and avoided and stone walled for weeks or months even. Maybe these don’t look like punches to you but sometimes dismissal and silence hurts more than a strike does. They should know right? Their entire fucking wounding came from dismissal and emotional neglect. And now they’re doing the same to any idiot who’s too dumb to value themselves enough to nit go through this hell
Exactly emotional, physical and sexual neglect. 20 years of marriage and finally he is getting and we are getting therapy though I done know if this marriage therapist is knowledgeable enough to deal with sexless marriages and why I stepped out of mine. So much neglect it kills your self-esteem and your spirit not mention your mental health. So many episodes of depression. Currently going through through deep waves of grief. I hope we can truly heal. Both of us from childhood trauma. I am tired of being with his avoidant behavior it doesn’t do good for the marriage. God help us all.
@@kevinkurgansky4479 exactly real concerns it’s a slow abuse. I shared that with him today. He was like what? 20 years I have waited. I have talked to him until my mouth was blue. Then he would appease me yeah yeah I will go therapy. So I would shut my mouth for 8 months then again would start to talk to him. REAL relationship concerns. Please quality time. Please let’s make love. Please I need hugs. Normal marriage behaviors. I am exhausted.
Though my life has been relatively smooth. The reason I am a Dismissive Avoidant. My direct family doesn’t communicate through their words, only actions. Things I learned growing up: “Do as I say, not as I do”
“Your feelings don’t matter, figure it out yourself”
I love you when you do what I tell you, never question my authority”
“If you stand up for yourself, your a monster”
“I am here to provide all your needs, except mental health and it’s not my job to entertain you”
This makes lot of sense. I just don’t think my FA ever knew why she’s going through a lot this. Sabotaging relationships and cheating. Remember one time she admitted that she mentally ill. But she wasn’t aware of she has attachment problems not mental illness. But think she is mentally unstable just accept the fact. It’s really sad and there’s so much help at there for people to redirect their behavior and be aware of their attachment.
explains why he said he isn't ready to read the email i sent him, he said i don't want to be criticized in your email. I said it there was no criticism in it, it was me deciding to walk away to focus on myself. expressed my true feelings about him,. he discarded me after me traveling to see him in another state. his excuse was he is having health issues. but no it can't be that when you went from contacting me all the time and when i questioned if he met someone else, then he has me blocked everywhere. he refuses to respond to my emails except for the one i sent this sucks you hate me, he said he didn't for me to stop overthinking.. haven't heard from him since.. this is so frustrating.. thinking he is a DA, and after watching these videos thinking i might have anxious style attachment.
Honestly I could write a book about my experiences with my EX fa and the relationship ...
Its all new to me attachment styles
It's even got me interested in retraining as a counsellor ...
She did say " Martin i hope there's nothing you find out about me that makes you leave "
Did she know she was an avoidant ??
Maybe shame? I know my FA guy has shame tied to just normal human emotions.
Thank you
You have an intuitive gift...I wish you would consider slowing down your speech and presentation...it seems so rushed
Hit the Gear wheel.
Then select Playback Speed
Then select a slower speed.
I do it often myself.
@@ohdear2275 oh my gosh thank you that will be a game changer
The other relationship they are having
These avoidants seem to have a lot of problems. I say no thank you.
When we fell in love with one we didn’t know. I hope one day I can help the person I know who is avoidant (starts w/ them)
@@ge0rgialiv Incorrect. There are always signs and it starts WITH YOU
Having been ghosted by an avoidant while pregnant, I second your “no thank you.”
@@firstnamelastname-ve9gj how do the signs always start with the other person? Explain
@@nermm9184 shit I’m so sorry
Omg how exhausting who on earth would have the time and energy to waste on such a needy individual? What a waste of life pandering to so many insecurities.. sounds boring to me..
With that lack of empathy within you it would never work anyhow.
My ex said that she felt elated when she is single. We was in a relationship when she said this.
Run 🏃♀️
Can we talk more of how dismissive treat they’re friends? Or if they’re crushing on a friend? I was friends with a DA and they recently blocked me out of no where for no reason.
DAs are kings of ghosting
Whenever I express my emotions to my DA… there are days when he’s done to hear it but only listens to 1/2 of what I’m even saying to him. Then will say “ I don’t care how you’re feeling, it’s not my problem “. I tried many times to discuss things with him. He would immediately shut me down and call me a psycho! 😢 it’s super hurtful and humiliating to have someone you love tell you that you don’t matter and that your feelings aren’t important at all😢
The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, and I don’t want to label him, but I will say that this isn’t acceptable behaviour in a partner, no matter their attachment style. You ARE important and so are your feelings and needs. You don’t have to over explain to him why they are.
I'm curious if dismissive avoidants can become attached to you after a significant amount of time together?
My DA ex did but it doesn't show exactly the way an anxious or secure person would
You answered your own question by using the word "attached". Yes, DAs feel attracted and attached very quickly, hence the love-bombing. But you need to ask yourself, is it merely "attachment" or genuine "love and care"? And in order to find that out, one must, unfortunately, invest quite some time and probably end up hurt and disappointed. If the connection feels like an addiction / limerence very quickly, it's most likely an attachment style response. Not always, but I've noticed that myself.
I actually said this to my DA friend two days ago, "Sometimes, I wonder was it even real or just an attachment?" He (DA) said, "That sounds quite harsh." He thinks his feelings are real for me. He is fully aware of his DA and works on his trauma. Unfortunately, he developed his DA after his deployment from Afghanistan. So he's working on multiple issues right now next to his attachment style, such as PTSD. We established boundaries in our open and honest communication to not stir up any more limerence because he's not ready to commit the way he is right now. But we talk daily. It's just sad we cannot talk to each other like we used to, but it would only confuse the two of us and get the two of us "too attached" and hurt without knowing whether we can ever make this relationship work given the work and healing he has still to do.
I'm sure it varies and some DAs can't get there, but definitely some can.
But it might also depend on what "attached" means to you exactly. Committed, helpful, supportive - yes. Dependent on you - maybe not ever.
@@MilesIncognito Yes, I meant committed. I apologize for not being clear.
Commitment as in won't date others and want you in their life, but not engaged or married.
So what do we say to assuage them, that it’s ok to open up?
You can tell them that and if they do open up, they're likely to have a "vulnerability hangover" and regret it later. Then they'll discard and run.
If I harshly criticize him for making me feel like I’m not a priority……is it likely he’ll never reach out again?
It’s likely he’ll never reach out to you again at some point and discard you, if he’s a DA. And when it happens it’s cruel as all hell. You can learn to tap dance around their patterns and walk on egg shells so as to not set them off. I did this for 12 months. Consciously. Was never worth the fight or triggering her so I just swallowed it. But eventually they pull away enough or act so different then your self respect won’t let you swallow it and you will have to say something. That will be the demise of your relationship as you know it. I even prefaced what I said as hey I haven’t wanted to bring this up to you bcuz of xyz pattern you feeling bad shame not good enough side skirting the issue. Creating a disturbance in the night. . Not really helping anyway. Making things worsen then the underlying isn’t even solved. And now I’m more angry because I actually aTRIED to do it and it went nowhere. Less pain when you ddon’t have the misguided expectations that it may help. I brought it up saying I don’t want to beliege these things or feel like can’t express myself. I want us both to be able to feel like it something is hurting or upsetting us that we CJ’s bring it up to our partner and talk about it. I’m scared of bringing it up now to be honest. I’m scared it’ll trigger you or have to walk away from the relationship together. If that’s the result that takes place just from me choosing to speak up about my needs for the first time in a year then it is what it is. I’ll have to deal with it. But if I lose a relationship over this then what I think I’m losing isn’t really even a relationship. It’s a one sided dynamic I’m losing the the other person decides not to want to have to Be present or attentive to anyone needs besides themselves.
Speak at your own risk. Even if it’s not super harsh. It’s not just criticism that the trigger, it’s their core feelint of shame and not being good enough
Plus them feeling misunderstood
@@kevinkurgansky4479 I appreciate your experience n input, I think you’re correct. Nothing I’m willing to have to deal with!
After being discarded, my apologies were ignored, so time to move on.
❤
❤❤❤❤
What if you have an avoidant, how do you address or point out that possibility in order to potentially work with them?
@@ZekielFialho you don’t.
@@UnacceptableTee 😞
Do one like this for the other attachment styles
....Please? ;-)
So you can’t bring any issues to them you have with them. Got it. We should just bail?
For me he was lying, sneaking around with his "ex" the entire 6 years. Caught him when he was "at work" driving his narcissist around then he says she was a colleague... umm no... it was his narcissist master "needing" his "help". Tgey can have each other.
I'm sensitive too...
What if he’s FA with strong DA lean? How on earth do I know what advice to follow? 😢
Why is FA so critical of partner for small stuff while being extremely sensitive to any feedback/criticism on their own shortcomings? .. going by this video, if they go into overdraft mode with criticism and require positive communication style, why don't they give the same consideration to others?
rewatch the very 1st part, even though this is about DAs not FAs, it's about *subconscious* patterns - *all* insecure styles have counterproductive tendencies & what can seem like double standards on the surface
I tried dating an FA & fell in love, but eventually traded her in for a PB & J sandwich.