How to Communicate With An Avoidant In A Way That ACTUALLY Works!
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- Опубликовано: 27 май 2024
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Do you have an avoidant person in your life who you really value and find yourself feeling almost desperate at times to really get seen or heard or be understood by them? In today's video, Thais Gibson shares a 3-step tool to help you understand the dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) and how you can effectively communicate in order to be seen, heard and understood. Watch now to find out this 3-step solution that will impact your relationship with the avoidant attachment style, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:11 - DAs Believe Everyone is Responsible for Themselves
00:03:21 - Easily Wounded By Criticism
00:03:45 - Learned Helplessness
00:04:39 - 3 Step Solution
00:04:56 - Communicate in the Positive
00:06:22 - Give Clear and Specific Examples
00:08:07 - $39 Promo
00:09:33 - Give Clear and Specific Examples (Cont'd)
00:10:53 - Course: DA In 6 Stages of Relationship
00:11:15 - See Your Needs Through
00:14:48 - Validate Their Feelings
00:15:46 - Call Out Stonewalling
00:16:46 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our RUclips videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
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Have you ever tried or used any of these strategies to communicate with a dismissive partner? What was your experience like? ❤
Its an irony that they sometimes say they feel like they are walking on egg shells when in reality its the other way around. Everything you say, even in the nicest way possible, they take it as an attack on them and this make us feel like we are walking on the eggshels cause you have to be mindful of every single word you say and like you have to strategize deeply everything you plan to say.
I tried all of these strategies to communicate with the DA I was dating. It actually seemed like the more clearly I tried to communicate or understanding of his perspective I was or the more I reframed to communicate in the positive to advocate for my needs...the more resistant, closed off or defensive he became. Like he just was not accustomed to healthy patterns of communication so he resorted back to what he knew. At the end of the day, they have to be ready to meet you in the middle and if they aren't, there's no tool that's going to help you get through to them.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm sorry to hear that. It's important to recognize when the other person isn't ready to meet you halfway ❤
That's so true. It kills me to see so many people continuously try with someone who isn't currently capable of any type of compromise or feedback. We can't ignore our own feelings, boundaries and non-negotiables for someone else. Then we're neglecting our own needs and that's not healthy.
This breaks my heart for you. Currently going through the same with someone I care about deeply and seems to really care but then pulls away. For his sake I hope he finds what he needs to be happy. We all deserve that.
@@LeeChrissy yes. I admittedly tried for too long. Not for years, but for long enough. If you're not careful you'll start ignoring your boundaries and needs so much that you start to rationalize why you deserve to have them respected and fulfilled.
@@aleewoolley It really is sad. I know the guy I dated cared and genuinely wanted connection but he just couldn't allow himself to have it or didn't feel safe to have it. It's unfortunate that he experienced something traumatic enough to make him sabotage all his relationships and I hope he manages to heal from it. I just have to wish him the best from a distance.
Love urself more. Find someone who doesnt need u to teach them the basics of a healthy relationship.
I learnt that advocating for myself or maintaining boundaries would be interpreted as control, criticism, or deception. Anything that didn't line up perfectly with her read on things, which was heavily influenced by her own traumas, was an attack. Healthy communication is a two way street in good faith. I don't know about all of them, but my DA experience is that they are unwilling to compromise or empathize if it means sacrificing their point of view at all. No matter how much you validate their feelings, they won't see you. And you can frame things as positively and carefully as you want, but you'll end up in the position of self-abandonment and rolling over on your boundaries for fear of upsetting them - if you're AP especially so.
You can want to put in the effort, but unless they proactively communicate that they want to as well and are self-aware enough to challenge their own perceptions, you need to let it go.
Got the same things with my first wife, who I now realise was an anxious-preoccupied.
I have dealt with all of the attachment styles and the DA is definitely the most complicated and has been the hardest to work with bc their first instinct is to run and it's the worst. But this helps me feel so much better to help me communicate not only what could help my person feel more secure, but also not let them stonewall me either. This came the perfect time. Thank you Thais!
Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm so happy this has made a positive impact on your communication! 😊
They acknowledge interdependence for Acts of Service. But not for emotional presence. I Still Believe she IS capable. Even though she wasn't ready to work on some key areas, I chose to believe in her in other areas and she grew, soooo... I believe in her even though she gave up on me and Us.
As a DA, this is most of the things I was asking to my ex partner.
I can confirm this is the way to make it smoother with me while I am working on becoming secure
Yes, because after at it IS always only about the DA partner. The other partner is only there to do what the DA needs.
@@a.leigh215he didn’t say that. He just spoke about what he needs and said while he becomes secure. I’m sure he also tries to meet his partner’s needs (since he is moving toward secure attachment and interdependence is a crucial component of that)
My DA is unreachable - told her time and time again how I felt, what I was struggling with and needing support and all I got was her turning the focus back on her and what she needs - so painful - all I needed was her to reach out and grab me and tell me everything will be ok working together and holding on - zero empathy- it was you take care of you and I will take care of me …….. left me broke and empty after 5 years …….
She sounds more of a narcissist not just a DA
That's what DAs were taught in their childhoods. They were given the message that they have to take care of themselves, so that's what they expect everyone to do. She was kindly giving you the space in which to do that. Don't blame the DA, blame her mother.
No sense of empathy I hear ya! The DA for me HAS zero EMPATHY! She only knows her view of everything and is unwilling to meet in the middle
That’s what they do- build walls to feel safe. Meanwhile it’s their partners who aren’t safe bc DA’s sabotage and end the relationship every time. All they know is how to end relationships. My serious relationship ended with my DA after 6 months- we continued to see each on a casual basis for 5 more years. I was hoping to “win him back,” but the walls never came down. He ultimately left…again. It’s best to leave the DA and never look back the second you identify them as DA or the second they pull back. Once they leave- they don’t come back.
@@gregvanpaassen I wouldn’t call it kind to make the relationship all about herself. Learning destructive habits in one’s childhood is no excuse to repeat the cycle. Every DA belongs in therapy or should stay alone so they don’t hurt others. They are incapable of healthy relationships bc they believe they are.
If we're not securely attached ourselves and understand the FAs/DA's we WILL trigger them to shut down more. So all this material is absolutely priceless, Thank you Thais ❤
Understanding attachment styles is crucial for effective communication. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! ❤
Yes. ❤
K but my DA still takes it as criticism no matter how positive, gental, respectful & loving I put it. Ex: I really love our physical intimacy, I love the way it brings us closer and so much fun! Let's do it more often ya?" He totally shuts down, starts defending himself, accuses me of failing elsewhere in the relationship etc total DARVO response. I stay calm and with sincerity say "Babe I love you, I'm just want our relationship to be even better" just goes cold and becomes more distant.
Try straddling him, or even just hugging, or being near him quietly for a few hours. Repeatedly. Whatever he will tolerate. DAs don't use or believe words, they are traps and pitfalls, always an implied criticism, that's what we got in childhood with every word, but we believe simple direct actions. And don't talk about "the relationship", just focus on here and now. One day at a time, until there is total trust and belief that you are really on his side. You show that with your actions, not with words. - DA.
Edit: Here is what a DA hears when you say "I just want our relationship to be even better": First translation: "I want our relationship to be better", which from the way the DA's childhood worked, means 2. "our relationship is not good enough" - remember, implicit criticism in every communication they got as a child. That goes directly to the DA's core wound of being defective, not worthy of love, and translates to 3. "you are not good enough". Cue coldness and distance while he deals with that himself as his childhood trained him to do.
Again: actions do not lie to a DA. Words do. If you can't cope with this, I won't blame you.
The suggestion of wanting more…doing it more often imo, feels too obligating/suffocating to a DA
Same here.
@@gregvanpaassenin my case… actions don’t work either, I have had to “split myself in 2” just to fill his expectation, desires, and “advices” for me. Every thing was treated as expected. But with his friends, it’s totally a different story. He goes far and beyond to do for them, hours of phone and face to face conversations.
@@gregvanpaassen well I'm sorry but that's just not reasonable. I need to be able to make requests. My needs are just as important as his.
"A dismissive avoidant tends to have a lot of conditioning in their childhood that basically shows to them everybody's responsible for themselves."
I also would like to see content on children of DA. How to cope with the trauma and how to come to peace. Unfortunately a lot of DA's have struggled over time and I wish them well. But so have the people who have unwilling had to deal with that unknown demon.
Great advice! ❤
Dealing with what I’m assuming is a DA right now. First 2 months of the relationship was AMAZING! She proposed to me and was going to move up to help me take care of my grandmother and was anxious about it. Then around month 3 she started backing off and recently she said I don’t want the public title of fiancee on facebook just to be girlfriend. Then she said she can’t move because she has never been out of her area and her family needs her. I understand that completely. So I mentioned moving down there. She said she isn’t ready for that, it’ll be 6 months to 2 years. It’s been distant for 7 months and it’s killing me
It took mine 10 weeks before the first breakup, now 6 years later we’re at #70.
70 breakups?
Sheesh. Sounds hectic :/
We haven’t broken up but this distance is ridiculous
@kylelovell8711 the first three months were amazing and the first half of March was decently relaxing then once it turned to the 20th or 19 or March she's been very very cold and distant right when we were being lovey dovey and everything then she went cold and distant and we don't play the game or watch movies with each other much:/ I told her it's been feeling distant lately and she just says to me "just chilll😂" I always tell her I appreciate her n everything but she's been so distant and cold. We use talk to each other 24/7 but once this month started happening she started to pick at small things about myself and she would get irritated by me easily. But once the 19 happened or 20th we had a great night before too👍 it was very fun then once I wake up it's like she did a whole 180 on me I AM CONFUSED??!!! SHE SAYS she wants this and wants to take it slow and says to just chillll and by taking it slow she means we are not talking to other people this is just us she just says "just chilllll" and now we don't even talk anymore really or call each other and she gets mad when I ask questions on what's happening and I always try to come at her at a understandable manner and I always use the "I" statements but everytime I try to communicate with her she gets mad or irritated or she says "we are not doing this rn😂" or she gets defensive and I said something about us working on healing and she got defensive and said I don't wanna work on myself I don't need too? I am just so lost we played the game yesterday and we flirted a little now she's cold and distant ??? I told her whatever she's comfortable with but mannn:/
Going on 5 months now we both made it clear we wanted something serious towards the beginning and things were going great but mannnn:/
Hello Thais. If you haven't covered it already, I would like to suggest content regarding infidelity as it relates to the conflicts with the various attachment styles.
For ex: It "seems" like DAs are more at peace when their partner seems to be ambivalent about the relationship. Can you explore how that leads to either partner eventually cheating or seeking out alternate lovers.
Also, how do DAs respond to not being the only person that their partners are dating (regardless if it is stated at the beginning of the relationship).
It seems like inevitably the partner of a DA just gives up and I wonder how often that is due to finding other intimate partners.
Great idea, 5 months in and after my ex met my mom, after we had the what are we conversation, he randomly text me, "maybe I should date others". At the time I thought it was test, so shook it off and shook off my thought that maybe he was still operating as a single person. After not seeing him for a couple weeks with only sporadic communication we had an intimate evening and I asked him have you slept with anyone else? And he looked taken aback and said no, have you? I said of course not, in my mind we were in a relationship. This guy. I was so confused for months with his contradictory behavior and words. And I'm still confused AF since he wouldn't let me end things 3x but when he decides to walk, he dips, then feels he can come in and out for months and push me to be his friend. Why? What's the point of being a friend to someone who can't communicate in any real way? Its so bizarre. I told him he's an island with barbed wire around him, I've opted out of the "friendship" and as result he's decided to stonewall and begin posting going to out more than he ever has in the past... smh. Avoiding at its finest.
@@sadiqua7wow, I coulda written your story word for word. I think my DA has two complete different personalities… mind boggling, heart breaking. It feels like it’s a dream at first then nitemare with the hurt & coldness. Indifference from man you love is like being spit in your face 🤦🏻♀️. Instead of teaching us how to tiptoe around their problem, tell us how to survive the heartbreak & abuse. Mine should win a Golden globe award for his performance to win my heart. It feels like I’ve been played.
I needed this so much today ❤ thank you
You have no idea how helpful your videos are. Watch your videos on all attachment styles and learning so much. Thank you 🙏🏾❤️
Very helpful. Thank you
love this. thank you:)!
This would not work with my DA ex. You almost have to show DAs like you dont really care about the relationship and its not a priority. If you start talking like the relationship really means something to you they lose attraction. They like the chase. If the DA know this relationship is going somewhere and you guys are getting really close they will start to flaw find and pull back. And then if you mention things like in the video they will see you as to needy and run. Again DAs are attracted to people that really seem they dont care about them because thats how their caregivers where.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your insights and experience with an avoidant partner. It's valuable to learn from others' experiences and perspectives! ❤
I have a DA friend who actually said something similar to me when I was dating my ex DA. She knew him well too and said he's used to dating women that treat him badly and that's who he chases which as a long-time friend of his, I know this to be true. Then I came along as probably the most healthy and safe woman he's ever dated (he's told me this even though I definitely wasn't perfect) and he couldn't navigate his way through it. To be fair, neither could and so we ended up going back to being friends. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he ends up in another tumultuous relationship. He wants calm and easy...I know this. But he still reverts back to chaotic choices in women.
@LeeChrissy How were you two able to navigate the reversion back to friends? Did you date long? Did you go no contact before reuniting as friends? Is the friendship a not very frequent interaction type of friendship?
@@zandersorc we're in our 40's and have been friends/acquaintances since our teens. We grew to a deeper friendship in our 30's and a few years ago he confessed he was in love with me. We tried 3 times all resulting with me walking away. We would go no contact for a few months before one of us contacted each other. We have too many ties not to like mutual friends and I'm close with his daughter. I joined PDS to heal and once I became more secure and he came back and wanted to see me, I told him what I was looking for in a partnership and if it's not for him then we can just remain friends. He chose friendship.
Honestly, it's bittersweet. I like that we keep in contact and he's my number one person to go to when I've got great news or need help navigating through something in life. BUT, there's still feelings there on both ends. If he wasn't a long-time friend before we dated, I don't think I could do a friendship with him so soon. It can be tough. He comes in hot sometimes and spills out a bunch of feelings and emotions and regularly contacts and then disappears. Lol It's who he is and I don't hold it against him, but as healed as I am, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't sting a little.
I find the opposite to be true. I'm AP and DAs absolutely LOVE me....at least at first. I will quickly become very attuned to their needs and will work very hard to meet them. But eventually, once I start to express my own needs, however gently, I get really hard pushback. My flaw as an AP is I subconsciously don't feel my needs are worth meeting, so I'm attracted to women who show no interest in meeting them - again, at first. But sooner or later I will start to resent that they don't put in the effort I do and can fall in to protest behavior. The good news is I'm getting MUCH better at spotting DAs earlier and earlier, and can even spot it in a dating profile sometimes.... "I'm very independent" or "I like to have my own hobbies" are clues that a person has had tough experiences with other APs.
Your roadmap & YOU are a GODSEND! Also, excellent sound quality on this one
How ever helpful this is. And thank you for knowledge. Unfortunately the person trying to understand and be a part of of DA. If it's friendship. Romantic or family. Suffers worse mental health gains be putting themselves back in harms way. For the unattainable peaceful common ground. Truly good content.
Thais, your videos truly changed my life.. It helped during a 6yr relationship with a DA. Every time I get triggered by her acts I remember what I learned from you through years of casually roaming around your videos.
After a long and furious thrive with a DA we broke up sadly and the main reason was that she didn't succeed to process her wounds, actually she was not putting the required effort. But I still know that without your shared wisdom this long run wouldn't happen to be long at all.
I hope you can make a video enlisting the more deep and detailed differences between the DA and FA attachment style. Its kind a vague idea to deal with those two types as a sole
Thais great job putting all the time into these videos. They help out so much of us. I appreciate you
Amen!
Great video, Thais, many thanks - I wonder why the link to the roadmap regarding the 6 stages of a relationship redirects me to a payed course while in the video yo mention that it is free, as I'm really curious about it afterseeing this video. Did I got the wrong link / information ?
Thank you and looking forward to hearing very soon from you or your team.
My avoidant lacks follow through even when he understands very well when we speak
I have tried these tools and they seem to work for that moment. But i admit i am guilty of a couple response about time spent together and feelings being hurt . They keep repeating behaviors (old) and it is exhausting.
Trying to excuse what is wreckless behavior or asking them to communicate is impossible. They know what they have done and dont care how it made you feel. Or how its effecting the relationship. Its dismissed and left in the closet of Skeltons
From my experience a true DA is unable to hear or empathize on any subject!
Well that gives me hope for my FA ex 😂
what happens if they want to compromise but the slip ups ultimately of what they know makes it be backsliding pretty
far in reverse. like 2 weeks secure and then 7-21 days of the destructive behavior
As a woman who was a FA and now lean secure through PDS, I have a question. I came here because of my nervous system being out of whack when I was with my ex DA. We tried a few times until I finally left for good to focus on my healing because I feel like we should be in control of our own feelings and emotions regardless of the other person.
I'm curious though, how successful are these strategies in current or past relationships opposed to implementing these strategies in a new partnership? I feel once partners trigger each other enough, it sort of deteriorates the the relationship as a whole and if one person has done the work and the other hasn't, won't the other person still only see any type of perceived "critism" as an attack? If you start off a relationship healthy I can see how that can eventually lead the other person to feel safe and you essentially mirror healthy behaviors toward each other. I wouldn't mind more clarification on this. It's tough to see people keep trying in a relationship if the damage is already done.
Same boat,FA leaning secure due to PDS, just ended contact as well because him simply liking a post I make triggered me since he can't engage IRL consistently. Currently being stonewalled, going on week 3. He knows my biggest trigger with him is being left on read. I fear, I will have super hard boundaries around communication in my next relationship Trying to work on better communication so I avoid that.
This is a great point would love to know the answer
@@sadiqua7 you know what I had to do? Deactivate my social media for a while. I didn't want to block him or unfriend nor did I want to be triggered by seeing his name hearting something I posted or continue seeing his posts. He was the ONLY friend Facebook would not let me unfollow. It said unfollowed but he popped up first on my feed. 😭 We are long-time friends so we are both all over each other's social media whether we like it or not. 😆 I remember last year he was happy and posting a ton and I was quiet for months working on myself. As SOON as I started posting again, he got quiet and disappeared from his social media. I'm wondering if I was triggering him. 🤔 Either way, I thought it would be best to focus on myself and my business and not my personal social media. It was a win win all around. He does still pop on and love a business post, but it's fine. We still talk on occasion and seeing his name pop up on my text makes me happy, but I don't think as much into it anymore. To me it's just a friend reaching out. It gets hard when he is super flirty or shares his emotions and then runs again, but if anything it's helping me fall out of love with him. I love him as a friend for who he is, but the inconsistency is the opposite of what I'm looking for.
Can someone help me: avoidant man while calling me 3 days in a row now, is telling me “you should find a nice guy.” But also expressing romantic interest in me. How should I respond to that? When he tells me to find a nice guy to settle down with…meanwhile we’re on the phone for 4 hours together. It’s so perplexing. How should I respond
He’s clearing his conscious because he’s on the hunt but enjoys sex with you. Love isn’t in the equation for them. That’s my experience, I got demoted when nothing about our connection had changed except fact it was time to stay and say we were in committed relationship. Blows my mind
@@JustMe-ki3ce thanks for you insight. We’re not having sex or in a physical relationship. I actually haven’t seen him in quite some time. I think he’s only comfortable being friends with
Person doesn’t know what they want. Confused people send confusing messaging.
In my experience, cut it off completely. This person is leading you on but wants to feel good about it by telling you to find someone better (that way they can claim they never led you on). Actions and words aren’t aligning, that is highly problematic. The behavior in general shows a lack of care for your feelings. If this person truly felt they were not in a place to care about you and didn’t want to hurt you, they would just walk away.
A second thing to consider. Have you ever told someone you were interested in to go find someone else? I know I haven’t. We do not treat people we value so carelessly.
@@MURPHxiii thank you for this perspective
Whyyyyy do people so often confuse DAs with other types of personality traits that also avoid and are NOT DA?! As a DA it makes me upset when someone starts talking about the “DA” in their life and then start describing an actual narcissist!! Abismal difference there
How do you break up with a Dismissive avoided I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to be with him and I have tried to tell him However he doesn't listen ❤
Block them. They do what they want when they want and have no regard for ur needs or boundaries. They see nothing wrong w their emotional unavoidability. It will always b what they need. Found someone mature and ready to love u as u deserve.
Hi, Thais! Would you mind making a video on how to repair things with an avoidant if you said or did something that made them feel criticized?
Two years later…..still “on a break”……
Does anyone have good result after you did all what you learn about avoidant person? I trully doubt it!
It works, but in tandem with our own energy. Person will sense it if we're focusing more on fixing them, instead of it being a team effort with both on the same team in this mission to become secure attached.
It didn’t work
How would u give support to a da who is grieving or experiencing the impending death of their mother but it's a long distance relationship? I'm an ap so am truggered by his lack of sharing. Im v confused as i tell him to call me but never does. Doesnt he want to talk?
Yikes
Okay, one of my best friends is very DA and his mom just passed. Trust me when I say please give him time and space to process this. When my friend told me, he immediately wanted to change the subject and refused to talk about it or show any emotion. It was hard for me because hearing that made me want to cry, but I didn't because he's not me and doesn't show emotion like I do. So we changed the subject and had our normal conversation and I stayed on the phone as long as he wanted. I understand what it's like to feel triggered, but he 100% needs a pass on this. No questions asked.
Don't push someone to open up about their pain when they don't want to share about it yet. It can be best to give some space, just offer to support if it's wanted and leave it there.
Don't say anything or offer any support. If you do contact him just talk about anything else besides what's currently happening. Also don't be surprised if your calls go unanswered. This is coming from a DA (female) .
there needs to be mandatory therapy in schools for every kid so they grow up more healed.
Can you have a secure relationship with an insecurely attached person?
It would be a relation without the ship
How do you get an avoidant to realise they’re an avoidant?
All of this information is so unnecessary when you have a dog. Woof !
True, an avoidant is a feral cat.
Even my cat is a better partner than my DA ex
Well, I have a disorganized attachment and insecure attachment styles. I'm interested in an avoidant, she's a sensitive person. I've tried to reach out to her at least four different times, while putting in effort of spacing them out. Which btw, those messages were two each. She reads my messages though, but doesn't respond at all. Which I found out that she has been stonewalling me. I am only trying to make my intentions perfectly clear to her, and also seeking genuine friendship and a relationship with her. I am honestly thinking about giving up and quitting the chase fairly soon. I am also not too sure if she's truly or fully interested in me.
🤔
I would leave her alone.
She’s not interested in having that with you. Just let her be and focus your attention elsewhere.
Walk away and don’t get sucked back in. Been there, done that.