Space is safety, soothing, and a sense of control. Trying to regulate their bandwidth. Don’t know how to co-regulate. Emotional repression because caregivers are emotionally unavailable. 1. Acceptance - not shamed or criticized, feel more comfortable to open up and share 2. Empathy, attunement, validate their feelings and experience generally (not specifically) 3. Emotional safety, avoid big highs and lows, need harmony, absence of volatility
All these can be offered to a DA during the 'normal' patterns of life, but when life chucks you a curveball, this is not always possible and DAs will most often withdraw when you most need them, unless they have done LOTS of healing.
@@ameliamossley7160 Maybe a close friend or family member can be there for you in case of a situation like this? Healing is necessary, agree fully, but hurrying someone along doesn't work for us nor them. I think that a problem with a DA not being able to have their space to breathe and fix their stuff, is getting completely overwhelmed going into depression, getting sick, experiencing psychosomatic illnesses. There's no outlet and those emotions stay inside the body. This may not be true for everyone, just own opinion and observations; I once had someone constantly in my space, criticizing me and calling me a hypochondriac. After getting out of that situation I suddenly got better.
You forgot to put on that list about how they would rather seek attention elsewhere and treat you like dirt infront of the people they seek attention from.
Just curious when does this ends? As a secure person having dated an avoidant, it feels like we have to go 90:10 - from speaking their language to letting they have "room to breath". This is a relationship. How is it even possible that the other person just thinks about themselves while the other think about both? I've listened to a lot of these avoidant videos and just having a hard time on how someone could be so worth it to the point where the other person has to give up what they need in a relationship.
It’s not about them thinking only about themselves, & you thinking about both. It’s about them regulating themselves. And you are trying to regulate both. You’re trying to co-regulate with someone who only knows how to self-regulate. If you feel like that means your needs aren’t being met then just go find someone else, or learn how to self-regulate also. 🤷♀️
I'm not a DA and I still find this line of thinking strange. They are adult enough to regulate themselves, so they presume you're adult enough to do the same. Obviously this presumption is incorrect.
@ASaTraveler It ends when there's a healthy balance ⚖️ . If you find yourself doing an extra challenging job in order to bring things into a balance then you're probably being manipulated by the person. Maybe it's you that feels the need to be in control of the relationship, only you can answer that. And what you're dealing with from this partner may not even be because of an attachment style, there can be other reasons like the disorders.
It ends when two adults have done the inner work to feel safe in any relationship and trust themselves to be able to end a relationship with a person that does not care about reciprocity or care about your needs. When you set boundaries in the beginning then they never feel they could ever take that much from you and they either like/love you enough to pick up their slack or respect you enough to walk away and allow you to heal on your own or within your next relationship.
If you are currently not in a romantic relationship, make sure that anyone that is a potential partner is currently doing the emotional work and therapy knowing they have a core wound. If they don’t even have self awareness of their trauma, it would be pointless and abusive to yourself ~by getting involved with them. Stop getting into codependent and dysfunctional relationships. Be and choose better.
The part about validating feelings is really hard for me. As an FA, I try my damnest for the DA person to feel validated. But the opposite is not true. The DA person will, as the name suggests, dismiss my feelings when I tell them how their actions made me feel, effectively making me even feel worse. I really hate that about the DAs
I really think you're dealing with something that's beyond just an attachment style. These things can get confused pretty easily. DA's are empathic, just don't always know how to express it in words. A DA shuts down from conflict and may feel helpless when someone has a tearful meltdown; it's not for a lack of empathy but some of us feel the emotions amplified too and we fix our stuff by ourselves to not make others feel uncomfortable... Similar but for different reasons a narcissist will act evasive so people don't see through their fake face. This behavior can be confused with the avoidant. The motive is different though. A narc will invalidate / dismiss others emotions regardless of their att style. They can ignore their partner in order to manipulate or control. It's not the att style that, it's the disorder asserting itself. Look into it further because it's maybe narcissism that you're actually dealing with.
I've also experienced this from unhealed Das in family settings, romantic settings etc, and they were def not narcs. They were also really kind people that could be supportive in many other ways just not when faced with my feelings.
@@eoKingNoodle There are definitely degrees to which someone has this, my ex was more so than me and cut me off with ''that was so long ago'' once when I was attempting vulnerability by relating something that had happened in my life long before I ever met him. It was almost like I was imposing and that had not been the intention at all. They just don't know what they're supposed to do with it, I think, and fear the unmet expectation of having to resolve it or something.
@@ashton1952 I agree, the unhealed DAs I've met def did not do any of this to control or manipulate, they were just trying to get away from it. My now closest friend is my now healing DA mom who I grew up thinking she was stone cold. She has been so brave now in healing with me, there is nothing I can't come to her with! She can open up about anything and everything, even deep shame
I don't even feel safe to express any disappointment or negative concerns and I never do however I feel that it actually makes things worse because displaying that level of like compassion and empathy hoping they'll see I don't think has improved the situation. I think there has to be like firm boundaries and consequences .
And never give you empathy or patience in return either. Just intentionally do stuff to make you jealous/question their loyalty and gaslight you. Theyre super hypocritical and just SHIT.
Likewise for anxious avoidant. If they keep trying to control and micromanage, nag, and persist on being intrusive, and don't work on being more self aware it must be hard to continue with that. I never know whether to take the emotional display as somewhat endearing, or as a inconsiderate. Or worse, some even use it as a manipulation tool. Because DA's don't normally bother others with our tears we fix it by ourselves. Pls regulate that stuff a little! Don't dump it on others. Anxious people I just don't date, as a rule, in case I won't be able to fulfill the big expectations. FA I can still understand to a good extent. Everyone has to work on their stuff to become more secure attached, otherwise we can inadvertently fuel the unhealthy cycle.
Can we also talk about the psychological abuse they put us through 🌝. Can there also be more videos on “why the anxious is flipping balls, when you discard them?”. So they understand what we are going through 🥲🥲🥲
If there's abuse there's something else you're dealing with over and beyond att styles. A narc will behave as such: elusive and evasive so you don't see past the fake face they put on. They will make you feel sorry for them so you give them your emotions and money etc. When they find another source of supply they discard and invalidate your emotions. then they suck you back in later by being charming. This is different from an attachment style, but, a person can have both at the same time. be sure to know what you're actually dealing with and don't tolerate mistreatment like them saying nasty things or manipulating you.
You know that mental pain is not the same as mental abuse right? Just cuz you’re hurting doesn’t necessarily mean they’re abusing you. And trust me, we already understand what you’re going thru, but it just gives us the ick that you don’t know how to regulate yourselves the way we’ve had to learn how to do. Which is often what turns “I need a little space” into “yea I need permanent space.”
@@tiktokshock4652 i agree, people should be able to self regulate, but the fact of the matter is, you are continuing the pattern that made you feel inadequate, when you expressed your feelings. You are literally shaming people for their feelings, and that is what led you to believing what you do, and why you cant handle being in a securely attached frame in a relationship. Does it make you feel good to harm others in the same fashion you were harmed in, just because you feel overwhelmed and cant express yourself? You need just as much work, as the Anxious people do, you just believe your disfunction is acceptable and the anxious persons is not, just because you believe you are right in your own self sabotaging behavior.
Illuminating. Insights I wish I understood before. My dear one and I did experience co-regulating when we cuddled. But outside that emotional disconnection took a toll
Hi Thais I have a question. Growing up with a borderline parent I developed a DA attachment style. Quite understandably So. I started to work with your work last year and practiced vulnerability exposure work. It was beautiful and I started to see effects around me. Unfortunately over Christmas I had to go home to my family and open as I was I began sharing vulnerably about myself to them. Unfortunately they reacted the same way they did in my childhood: complete and brutal rejection and dismissal of myself and my feelings. It put me in deep shock. I have been changed ever since and opening up again to be vulnerable again seems impossible now. I have since gone no contact with my family but my guard is back up and my shell is as tightly closed as ever. I can completely understand why I have this attachment style - it made complete sense in the environment I grew up in to Protect myself as much as I can. It seems to be impossible to me though to open up around others and to keep my guard up around my parents and siblings. It is asking too much of me and the price I paid for being vulnerable to them is just too high. What do I do? I have become closed off again and the idea of sharing vulnerably seems out of reach and too costly. There is a reason for our attachment styles and our past isn’t actually over with our families… I wish things were different. Around a borderline parent it seems to be necessary to protect oneself at all costs. Hope to hear your advice ✨
I feel u. I've had to heal from similar trauma...N I'm sorry for your pain! not sure you'd get a response from her here tho as there's usually a TON of comments N yours might get "lost" in them all. you're prob better off getting a more timely response thru her website or something? if not from her then 1 of her many counselors, I would think...best of luck to u ❤ hang in there!
I think maybe it's a question of knowing who you can open up around, and who not. Open up with a potential partner who is kind, and with good friends. Not with people who are ''empathically challenged'', like some family members.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm also a healing DA going full no contact with my family because I don't feel safe opening up to them. I found that it's easier to heal when you're away from emotionally toxic people (family and/or friends) and to focus on the nice and kind people you meet in your daily life. I've made better friends nowadays and I find that it gets easier over time to trust and open yourself up with safe people. I think your intentions about sharing vulnerably with your family are well-meaning but it's impossible to build healthy relationships with people who haven't done the emotional work to meet you on an equal level. I hope you find more emotional healing and my well wishes and thoughts are with you. Know that you're not alone in the struggle on the path of growth/healing.
Do you have any videos on a fearful avoidant and a secure together ? Or how an avoidant can turn a secure into a an anxious? Or how a fearful avoidant can also be a covert narcissist?
Now I understand the breakup with perfect clarity... ahhh I am anxious attachment, combine it with a long distance - been in different continents for 8 months at the time, and she was working her butt off all day long so our communication was extremely limited. As such all of my alarm bells went off and did exactly the opposite... aaaaahhhhhhh :( I wish we could sort it out really... It's been 3 months we broke up and I am 2 months blocked everywhere. I don't know if she is a DA or not but she acted like that in the latter stages of our relationship which was long distance. Perhaps she was a DA that made a lot of progress until she had to go full on survival mode where she went just make ends meet. (same with me I wasn't exhibiting anxious behavior until that point (except in one instance)
It’s about the blindsiding withdrawal or shutdown, puts a person through emotional trauma, and in many cases they end up coping by cheating or seeking external validation. And this becomes extremely toxic over multiple cycles
I didn't feel safe with my DA for so many reasons because of their words and behavior, lack of consideration and empathy that I would get Angry after trying in other ways failed, and then my exasperated anger made them feel unsafe. And they told me so. But if I had felt safe with them, amd they didn't say certain words or phrases, I wouldn't have felt I can't be vulnerable and wouldn't have gotten upset. So neither of us felt safe emotionally at times even though in other ways we had such synergy and mutual flow of taking care of each other's best interests. But we needed more leaning in to tend conflict together. Being dismissed and iced out ... I feel helpless. After trying so hard, nothing to do with that.
The avoidant I dated was sensitive to certain words. If he said he was tired, I couldn’t say “I know you are”. He would get really defensive and say “no you don’t know, because you aren’t me.” I couldn’t use the words “I know” as a way of showing compassion. Obviously they trigger something in him. It was so difficult to just talk to him.
Trauma or not. DA's are dangerous and destructive people. By far, to me, one of the most insidious personality types that I've had the displeasure of coming in contact with 💯
What if they are too afraid to approach conflict resolution and want to just move on but conflict resolution is important to you? How can I respect my conflicting needs with their boundaries?
Respecting their boundaries while addressing your need for conflict resolution involves open communication and understanding. You can express the importance of conflict resolution to you while also acknowledging their feelings and fears. Offer to approach the situation in a way that feels comfortable for them, such as through mediation or seeking professional help if needed. Finding a compromise that honors both your needs and their boundaries is key to navigating this situation effectively.
What kind of compromise in that situation? A compromise could involve agreeing on a timeline or process for addressing the conflict that respects their need to move on while also ensuring that the issue is not ignored. For example, you could suggest setting aside a specific time to discuss the conflict in the near future, giving them time to process and prepare. Alternatively, you could propose seeking support from a neutral third party, such as a mediator or therapist, to facilitate the conversation in a safe and constructive manner. The key is to find a solution that honors both your need for resolution and their need for space and comfort.
What if they don't want to communicate? If the other person is unwilling to communicate, it's essential to respect their boundaries while also considering your own needs. In such a situation, you can focus on addressing your own feelings and finding ways to move forward independently. This may involve seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to process your emotions and explore strategies for coping with the conflict. Additionally, you can set boundaries for yourself regarding how much energy and effort you're willing to invest in resolving the conflict without the other person's participation. Ultimately, you can only control your own actions and responses, so prioritizing self-care and personal growth is important in navigating conflicts where communication is challenging.
Watching this as an FA in some sort of bizarre dynamic friendship with another FA to better understand their “classic” avoidant patterning, as well as how my own avoidant patterning shows up more internally (but I will take space when I’m upset, then when my friend doesn’t break the cooldown period themselves ‘cause I’m assuming they also need space with how their patterning is otherwise, I then break that period myself. BUT once I do, we’re generally both ready to reconcile.)
I dated a guy with ADHD (took meds) and he was ALL UP IN MY GRILL. over texting over calling - he was crazy obsessed. he was always anxious ball of fire, always late, always forgetful. It was DONE. Then I dated a guy with aspergers of course I never knew what this all was at the time, just going crazy how abnormal these people were. He DISAPPEARED and reapppeared and disappeared and reappeared. I thought I wasnt good enough or something but apparently this was and is how he is. now he is married but i think the wife has something too. and the adhd one, he's single. so all this to say.... i think all avoidants have some sort of autism, had extreme regulation issues as a child from experiencing "rejection sensitivity" they're extremely sensitive either imploding or exploding.... was taught thats not ok and become stone walling deattched aloof anxious squirrels in traffic that switch into black and white thinking as aspies do and shut down completely. this is honestly the observation ive made over all the neurodivergents in my life. avoidants need other avoidants on the spectrum
I have to agree here, there seems to be a similar tendency in my experiences as well. It's a very hard and confusing signal to follow and understand from them. You basically have to fill in a parent/teacher role for them, to compensate for the confusion, and it makes a partnership and need for mutual support well... Not so mutual, unfortunately.
Perfect summation of what this specific disorder entails. Unless they are proactively, and consistently doing and getting the emotional healing work for this core wound, dont get involved with them in a serious relationship kind of way. Their coping mechanisms are very toxic and soul crushing. I’m not saying they mean to do this~but nonetheless, it happens in relationships where there is little to no healing work being done. Others who are not DAs, must set the boundary as a protection unless you want to needlessly suffer. NOBODY can change a DA in how they cope. Only the DA can decide if they’ll heal or not.
I’m autistic and adhd fearful avoidant with childhood abuse, I’m with a dismissive avoidant adhd who grew up with an alcoholic parent. You hit the nail on the head because I dated a lot of avoidants and a lot of them never married. Just went from one messed up relationship to another
@@cecilang9721 yes to everyone replying - even then there is fate because every avoidant or adhd / autistic all this somehow married. there's a right type of fit for everyone one on the spectrum. currently traveling with someone with extreme adhd right now shes wild and her husband is autistic more grounded and not all over the place and allows her to be the way she is becasue he's literally obsessed with her and will not live without her. so everyone please find the right type of neurodivergent love for yourself in prayer and forgive lots i believe in the processing of being there for eachother for things that really matters. we all have some sort of issues different timing/love language. there is someone for everyone
Exactly the same thing I was thinking. I recently discovered that I am a text book avoidant and realized so much of the stuff I was doing but couldn't explain why. I could've done things differently had I known about this and saved the relationship. It's unbelievable.
@@burgendyblazer7679 thank you for sharing the experience. I wasn't the avoidant but I kinda freaked when I didn't know what was going on when my ex suddenly pulled out of the sudden. There were some family issues at play, I just wanted to make sure he was doing ok. I wanted to know what happened, and did everything I shouldn't have. I wanted to talk more. I guess I triggered him, we didn't survive. I still can't get over it.
@@carolinaaelin it's important to remember not to blame each other....its hard to blame someone when they aren't even aware of what's happening. That's why it's important to understand and be aware of things as much as possible... attachment style....triggers...causes... all of it.....that's what will lead to reconciliation if both parties are up for it. I am currently at a cross road in my relationship and I have no idea what to do....another trait of the avoidant. It's horrible.
@@burgendyblazer7679 yeah, I didn't know about attachment theory till 7 months ago. I very much regret it tho... I would love to reconcile as he really meant the world to me bur I doubt it, he blocked me after 4 months of no contact. His parents are still in contact with me, and as far as we know, he's still single (and very much isolating). But yeah... Ah really, I didn't know about that trait... if you don't mind me asking, what makes you feel this way?
This video got uploaded at such a good time for me! I'm a FA and my bf is a DA and we've been together for 1,5 months now. At the start he was really open about himself, caring and just loving overall but then all of a sudden closed himself off entirely. He's done so towards everyone and as far as I've heard from old friends of him it started a year ago where he wouldn't share anything at all and would cut contact from time to time up to a month. All I know from him was that a year ago he went through the worst time mentally but no one knows the details. Anyway, he all of a sudden doesn't want to share anything with anyone including me and is barely responding to me since the last time I saw him a few weeks ago. This video helps me shed some light on the areas I didn't know the details of. I need to work on the 3rd point but that'll be hard with half a year of difficult sleep and nothing that's really working to get it better for me. I'll see what I can do about it and I hope my bf will in the meantime figure himself out too despite refusing anything I share with him about this
Information is power! He must know everything about attachment theory - he has to have the opportunity yo realize what's happening to him. He doesn't know what he doesn't know. Let him understand his attachment style, what it's doing to you and the relationship, what steps he can take to overcome and be secure. You have the right to judge him if he doesn't take action.....not now when he's in the dark. Show him the way. He needs to do this for himself first because this will change his whole life. You won't believe the Aha! moment I had when I realized I was an avoidant. It explained so much.
@@ashton1952 I guess so. I grew up in a chaotic household where I'm still stuck and my bf grew up without any privacy with his dad and then living on his own made him take all of it and keep it
@SunshineAndSnowflakes It's honestly really difficult for me because him suddenly withdrawing triggered me somehow to become really attaching. I can give him space for a few days but then I'm hurting myself and I come back barreling full of emotions. I'm trying to control it but my sleep deprivation is making everything so difficult for me. He also needs it for more than a month but I'm unable to abide by that. I'm stuck with trying to control myself to get used to silence so I can stay with him or break up with him
@@burgendyblazer7679 I've shared some useful links with him about it but he keeps dismissing it saying that it isn't for him. I also know it's extremely useful for him but I've honestly never met someone this damn stubborn. If he does read it I doubt he'll do anything with it because he only wants to do things on his own. He wants to do everything on his own no matter what and if you share something there's a really good chance he'll ignore it even if it's the answer to the universe. Maybe if I do put it into words directly what it is and send that to him he'll read it but I'm not sure he'll do anything with it. I hope he will because when he was open to me he was such a wonderful person. So kind, curious, open and energetic but now he's a stone and idk if I want to stay with him if he stays a stone
What does taking space mean like taking space with no clarity that last four weeks or months out of the blue blindsided? and when they see your confused or hurt, not even providing a sentence to state any kind of clarity
Thais could you do something on attachment and travelling with a partner. I’m a FA who is working on it, but travelling with a partner is so hard. You get very little space and I’m finding time here and there, but gosh I’m really having to manage myself.
Can you talk about how if you don't live with the person so you're not able to show up even in nonverbal ways to build the level of safety and consistency and then the dismissive avoidant partner is also not showing up in terms of like communicating and even playing Pinkfong in terms of like communication and connection maintenanceas a toxic distancing strategy
I was attuned and noticed her facial expressions and energy and Ask and she just deflected with humor or random facts or say she needs to brood alone. I was ready to listen, hold space and give empathy. But she would soothe or numb or escape with online time.
Can you talk about if you're like kind of already being all of these ways with your partner and they just continue to shut down and there's not really any progress of moving security even though you are a and consistent base?
@@tiktokshock4652 I agree, I'm DA/FA and been hurt bad by several FAs in my life, but if they ever did rotten shit like this it had nothing to do with them being FA, most of the FA things about them made them even harder to lose.
Hi I would love to buy one of the course but I really don't know if I am an AP or FA. Done more tests and all differs and also have lots of core wounds that applies to all AP & FA & DA. Is there a way to know this?
Are you very present in the early stages of a relationship, but begin to retreat as intimacy increases? Do you want to be close to your partner but also feel the need of independence and feel unhappy when someone is in your space too much? Do you feel anxious when your partner withdraws but avoidant when they pursue? Then, you could be FA. With the AP, the periodic avoidance is generally missing.
@@GeoffreyAngapa thanks! yes, I def feel overwhelmed sometimes when they pursue and had that question in my head, why the hell is that so maybe I am FA.
Does the avoidance always come from childhood, or can that develop as a result of painful, failed relationships? Are they truly avoidant, or just are they avoiding any close relationships due to fear of another relationship going bad, not wanting to try again?
I believe it can be both. When a partner observes your emotions in order to use them against you later, you learn to hide them. With rage fits and fight provoking, shutting down is self defense. After being controlled and gaslighted you become wary.
For sure, you develop an attachment style in childhood, but it’s not set in stone & it can change due to experiences. Secure can become anxious or avoidant, or with therapy anxious can become secure etc. The only the one that’s pretty unlikely to change is dismissive avoidant because they’ve had basically a full mental transformation into believing they genuinely don’t need anyone, so they don’t really see a point in changing that.
@@tiktokshock4652I think it's according to each individual, DA's are apparently the highest number of people attending the PDS to try fix themselves. It's self righteous criticizing from a certain department that's always carrying on ad nauseam about DA's not working on themselves. Don't take it too serious 😉
Advice please I beg you. Met this girl at work been over a year. We hit it off early on she said lots of things both sexual and just how much she likes me etc then couldn't get her to go out with me. After asking her out 3 times I said ok if you want to go out you let me know. She never did. 3 months go by and she starts responding to my social media stories and going out of her way to reingage in person. Also texting how have I been etc. I decided to reingage because I felt maybe she was now ready possibly. We've had many talks I've exposed myself and been vulnerable. I've always managed to stay respectful let her know I'm not judging her etc. she has flaked on me a lot. She's been over once relatively recently. She just asked if I would wanna hang Friday. I said yes. Friday comes I say hey are we still on she says I'm going to the gym rn. Then nothing else. I know she likes me. When we engage in person I feel it I see it I know it. She tells me she is scared to invest time into anotyer relationship. I ask if she thinks she sees anything moving forwards between us and she said I don't wanna say yes but I also don't wanna say no. She's opened up about her past trauma she's opened up about her fears and how she retreats from the world to stay safe etc basically all the stuff you've explained. My biggest concern is not being able to get her to go out with me. Also the texting is insanity. Some nights she'll wanna text forever then she'll go days with nothing. This girl is worth it so I can't just move on so any ideas or advice?
Hey bro. Similar situation. I'm 26 and she's 24. We work together but in different buildings. We only see each other at work events and happy hours. We never hang out one on one so bc she has expressed it's best to hang out with others. So we hang out drunk and do have our one on one moments that are insane. Touching, teasing, talking dirty. She has said she's not ready for a relationship and has a hard time being vulnerable. The texting is the same as you say it: Insanity. But it is good to know there is a homie out there with a similar problem. Make the best of it. Some women treat texting very seriously. Try not to rush things especially if there is a future of you two working together for another year or so. But don't fall into the friend zone. Keep your intentions known and keep things sexual. You cannot loose the tension. You also have to start leading more. If she says she's going to the gym then you gotta respond saying something like you'll pick her up when she gets back home. Or say something about how she should do cardio with you instead. You get the idea. I've gradually learned to not take what a women says too seriously because they often mean and do something else, and keep their inner desires a secret. Sometimes women be exhibiting red flags. But that is everyone. And we don't know everyone's story. Sometimes women are still healing from other relationships. As someone in a similar position as you, do not give up if you think she is worth it. But she needs to show some improvement in opening up and communicating, of course. When it counts to be transparent, be an example of direct communication. You pulling away for a while was good. You might have to again to give her space to figure shit out. That's normal. But when she comes back around next time you have to assert yourself. In the meantime, create a life and frame she is comfortable enough to step into. Most women just want to hop along for the ride. So create the best ride possible, for you bro.
And talk to other women just b being a decent mature guy. I personally like to focus on one but I noticed that talking to other women makes you less anxious and keeps your mind off the women you're truly worried about. Having options makes you less desperate for one woman and also makes you look wanted in their eyes. Women want what others want.
first of all thank you for sharing and helping me out dude. im trying my absolute best not to rush things sometimes i feel peer pressure from others like what are you doing waiting for this girl if she liked you shed go out with you and all that. but i know its not that simple. also just last week she asked to go to my car and talk and weve been doing this for quite some time now which i think is good. we usually talk about whats on our minds address her fears try and talk thru them with her while not judging and then i always end with discussing fun things or stories etc. i guess i just dont know how to push for more time with her while also respecting her healing. @@Verulam1626
I just got out of a situationship with a DA. Didn’t know what a DA was until a month after we split. My question is this. She was on the fence with me, hot and cold, pulling away, and ofc she would tell me abt her ex that she “wanted to marry” but he told her she wasn’t worth it. So DAs carry these traits with them even when they’re madly in love?
Sounds like she has a strong “I’m defective” wound. That’s terrible her ex told she wasn’t worth it. That’s unnecessarily cruel. She sounds like she’s afraid to let herself open up to love again.
When is a DA is madly in love, she’ll be avoidant. Not in the beginning because there’s no commitment. But as the relationship progresses it gets worst with a DA. You might want closeness and she just wants space… it’s toxic. Find yourself a healthy woman my brother
@joev7014 Gosh this really resonated with me and the DA I was recently involved with (I wanted a relationship, but he refused to put a label on it or fully commit 😢). He was great at first, but then he seemed to start catching feelings (sending me love songs when he was drinking, etc etc) and then suddenly he started nit-picking reasons (that made no sense) why we wouldn't work, and the next thing, he upped and left, and blocked me on absolutely everything 😭😭😭I feel crushed
@@whiggygirl A DA’s biggest fear is needing someone. Because they were abandoned by the people they needed most. Most people feel pretty rejected & unloved when they are pushed away by one, but the fact they pushed you away is probably BECAUSE they loved you & that’s when it gets unbearably scary for them. They don’t necessarily mean to push you away, what they’re really trying to push away is their need for you. I know it doesn’t fix anything but maybe it will give you some peace in knowing that you were in fact loved, even if that’s not how it came across at the time.
@@whiggygirl DA can be completely cold and have no remorse especially when you become vulnerable. My advice, go no contact. You’ll heal slowly and they’ll sense the energy shift. You’ll probably wanna try again eventually but it’ll never change. Even after years of trying. It happened to me. You’ll lose all your energy thinking about them… they can feel when you really moved on and that’s when they’ll come back… don’t do it tho. You’ll end up in the same cycle for years
It's interesting how people in society have shifted from shaming people who were once in therapy to now shaming people into getting therapy. It's as if shame as a motivating factor doesn't actually help people heal or grow. Interesting.. 🤔
I believe if people ar here it's because they realized they need to do something. And in the process of pointing it out about others, we can ask what we can improve about ourselves, because maybe we're being enablers, or being draining for them, or acting in away that makes them want to withdraw to avoid our angry outbursts.
CAn THAIS DO A VIDEO ON FEARFUL AVOIDANT , ON WHAT THEY NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO CONNECT, OPEN UP AND HAVE A HEalthy NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR PARTNER.. THERE ISN’T MANY VIDEOS ON WHY & How THEY NEED TO DO open up More on an emotional level or tools to do so.. HOW TO REGULATE THEIR EMOTIONS ON A MORE LOGICAL level So they don’t scare off their partner. 😢
Lol This comment just shows that you don’t have any idea how they even think. They like space. So they usually feel just fine with people treating them they way they treat people. So why would they want to change that? They just don’t need to be with anxious attached because it’s draining.
Here I wanna share my experience I was a DA since my childhood.Love, feelings and being emotional these things was just a joke for me. Then about 9 months ago I fell in love for the first time in my life with a man he is 15 years older than me . When for the first time I met with him I just completely fell for him . My attachment for him was anxious but he was a Dismissive avoidant by his nature. I was unaware from attachment styles before. I crave for him all day long I feel irritated when he didn't try to be open up with me then he completely ghosted me for 3 months during this period of time I also met with another boy he was also young handsome. He fall in love with me but I was totally avoidant for that boy. I ghosts him for almost not being consistent in anything with 2nd boy even I knew that he loves me but because I wasn't into him I didn't respond properly but I also like him in other ways. I think when we don't love someone we completely become an avoidant for the people we don't love on the other hand we are an anxious for the people we are in love... It is not about attachment styles it is about values we have for someone.
@@TSVlogs-q2u I understand attachment styles I'm studying attachment styles for over 3 months on every single day from different to different coaches I made this conclusion after my personal experience now I'm dating 2nd boy in my life in secure way but not the way I was doing first one..
We have secondary attachments styles; like "back up" style when a situation does not accommodate our primary attachment style. I'm securely attached, I've always been. However, my past relationship was with an avoidant, making my anxious-preoccupied(secondary style) show up. It was an uncomfortable and unwelcome feeling so after trying to make it work with him for a while, I've pulled myself from the situation.
@@julesD0222 no I was a past dismissive avoidant I couldn't be open up about my feelings I have never told the man that I love him. It was not easy for me to share about my feelings. Now I'm healing and working on my attachment style.
This is way to much work for a relationship honestly, why would anyone want to be in a non fulfilling relationship with someone who is basically emotionally unavailable
What I find funny is the number of people hating avoidants in the comments yet they're here trying to learn about avoidant's. Also its important to realize you attracted him because you do not have a secure attachment. You're the other side of the coin. And a part of the problem as well.
This is a great video but I don't care what anyone says. Fearful avoidants are the worst partners and will leave you betrayed and traumatized for years even if you do everything right for them.
@nora I think people are getting hurt by narcissists and think it's an att style. As many as 1 in 6 people can be narcs and unfortunately it's a disorder and not fixable. NPD and an att style can occur in an individual but they're different separate things. Can't use att style methods to fix it and anyone trying can end up in a long-term toxic situation. There are questions that can be asked when you first meet someone new that can indicate narc tendencies.
I'm sorry for the pain you've gone through, I'm DA/FA and the people who hurt me most in life were also FAs, the way they'd ghost for good after seemingly minor conflicts after near decades of being "soul mates", the way when they left there was no possibility of ever talking again, total shut off, so no possibility for conflict resolution or ever having a say at all. I used to be more pure FA when younger and I have no problem with people being angry at FAs, or any other attachment style for that matter, there are some rotten apples among every style. Rest up and heal up well
This sounds eerily similar to how men typically solve their problems. Men will take space from everyone in his life and contemplate his options in order to come to a solution to his problem. I continue to do this till this day.
That's because most men are avoidsnt because they're taught that "crying is for girls".... which is not true! They're taught to be strong and not to show vulnerability, which just ends up leaving them more stressed because we all need emotional support at some point.
@@angelinarinna5014 not exactly. The REAL issue is that men are being expected to relate to feelings the same way a woman does. Men have an entirely different relationship to feelings than women and trust FACTS over feelings. Men simply don't operate that way. Society however is telling men that how women behave is the standard and pushing men to behave like women. Men are logical/physical creatures and women are emotional/mental creatures. Women solve their problems by talking them out (venting, an emotional response) and men solve them by thinking about them and weighing their options (taking space, a logical response). Once we stop expecting everyone to be the same, things will get better as we evolved to SURVIVE that way.
@@tarkov_6 Translation: "I don't have a rebuttal, but I'm triggered by what you said, so instead of providing my opinion I'll just act as if what you said is beneath me." If you had a rebuttal, you wouldn't have to "try." You're just trolling.
It feels like you're getting deep into human psychology / subconscious mind& heart and that is SO incredibly important & beautiful to have .
Space is safety, soothing, and a sense of control. Trying to regulate their bandwidth.
Don’t know how to co-regulate. Emotional repression because caregivers are emotionally unavailable.
1. Acceptance - not shamed or criticized, feel more comfortable to open up and share
2. Empathy, attunement, validate their feelings and experience generally (not specifically)
3. Emotional safety, avoid big highs and lows, need harmony, absence of volatility
All these can be offered to a DA during the 'normal' patterns of life, but when life chucks you a curveball, this is not always possible and DAs will most often withdraw when you most need them, unless they have done LOTS of healing.
@@ameliamossley7160 Maybe a close friend or family member can be there for you in case of a situation like this? Healing is necessary, agree fully, but hurrying someone along doesn't work for us nor them. I think that a problem with a DA not being able to have their space to breathe and fix their stuff, is getting completely overwhelmed going into depression, getting sick, experiencing psychosomatic illnesses. There's no outlet and those emotions stay inside the body. This may not be true for everyone, just own opinion and observations; I once had someone constantly in my space, criticizing me and calling me a hypochondriac. After getting out of that situation I suddenly got better.
You forgot to put on that list about how they would rather seek attention elsewhere and treat you like dirt infront of the people they seek attention from.
Just curious when does this ends? As a secure person having dated an avoidant, it feels like we have to go 90:10 - from speaking their language to letting they have "room to breath". This is a relationship. How is it even possible that the other person just thinks about themselves while the other think about both? I've listened to a lot of these avoidant videos and just having a hard time on how someone could be so worth it to the point where the other person has to give up what they need in a relationship.
It’s not about them thinking only about themselves, & you thinking about both. It’s about them regulating themselves. And you are trying to regulate both. You’re trying to co-regulate with someone who only knows how to self-regulate.
If you feel like that means your needs aren’t being met then just go find someone else, or learn how to self-regulate also. 🤷♀️
@@tiktokshock4652Exactly.
I'm not a DA and I still find this line of thinking strange. They are adult enough to regulate themselves, so they presume you're adult enough to do the same. Obviously this presumption is incorrect.
@ASaTraveler It ends when there's a healthy balance ⚖️ . If you find yourself doing an extra challenging job in order to bring things into a balance then you're probably being manipulated by the person. Maybe it's you that feels the need to be in control of the relationship, only you can answer that. And what you're dealing with from this partner may not even be because of an attachment style, there can be other reasons like the disorders.
It ends when two adults have done the inner work to feel safe in any relationship and trust themselves to be able to end a relationship with a person that does not care about reciprocity or care about your needs. When you set boundaries in the beginning then they never feel they could ever take that much from you and they either like/love you enough to pick up their slack or respect you enough to walk away and allow you to heal on your own or within your next relationship.
They seem like they need to learn to Receive the Love that's available to them.
Dear Thais, could you please do this topic for the fearful avoidant, too?
If you are currently not in a romantic relationship, make sure that anyone that is a potential partner is currently doing the emotional work and therapy knowing they have a core wound. If they don’t even have self awareness of their trauma, it would be pointless and abusive to yourself ~by getting involved with them. Stop getting into codependent and dysfunctional relationships. Be and choose better.
We get over and over what an avoidant is. We need more on dealing with them and attracting them toward us.
The part about validating feelings is really hard for me. As an FA, I try my damnest for the DA person to feel validated. But the opposite is not true. The DA person will, as the name suggests, dismiss my feelings when I tell them how their actions made me feel, effectively making me even feel worse. I really hate that about the DAs
I really think you're dealing with something that's beyond just an attachment style. These things can get confused pretty easily. DA's are empathic, just don't always know how to express it in words. A DA shuts down from conflict and may feel helpless when someone has a tearful meltdown; it's not for a lack of empathy but some of us feel the emotions amplified too and we fix our stuff by ourselves to not make others feel uncomfortable... Similar but for different reasons a narcissist will act evasive so people don't see through their fake face. This behavior can be confused with the avoidant. The motive is different though. A narc will invalidate / dismiss others emotions regardless of their att style. They can ignore their partner in order to manipulate or control. It's not the att style that, it's the disorder asserting itself. Look into it further because it's maybe narcissism that you're actually dealing with.
I've also experienced this from unhealed Das in family settings, romantic settings etc, and they were def not narcs. They were also really kind people that could be supportive in many other ways just not when faced with my feelings.
@@eoKingNoodle There are definitely degrees to which someone has this, my ex was more so than me and cut me off with ''that was so long ago'' once when I was attempting vulnerability by relating something that had happened in my life long before I ever met him. It was almost like I was imposing and that had not been the intention at all. They just don't know what they're supposed to do with it, I think, and fear the unmet expectation of having to resolve it or something.
@@ashton1952 I agree, the unhealed DAs I've met def did not do any of this to control or manipulate, they were just trying to get away from it. My now closest friend is my now healing DA mom who I grew up thinking she was stone cold. She has been so brave now in healing with me, there is nothing I can't come to her with! She can open up about anything and everything, even deep shame
I don't even feel safe to express any disappointment or negative concerns and I never do however I feel that it actually makes things worse because displaying that level of like compassion and empathy hoping they'll see I don't think has improved the situation. I think there has to be like firm boundaries and consequences .
Whatever. They ask for empathy and patience but then ghosts. ✌🏽
And never give you empathy or patience in return either. Just intentionally do stuff to make you jealous/question their loyalty and gaslight you. Theyre super hypocritical and just SHIT.
They ask! ? Mine never asked me won't even respond
Really amazing video. Excellent knowledge and this really helps us who are with FA’s. Your the best ❤ Thais ❤
When a DA knows they’re a DA and they don’t want to do THEIR work, you have to leave.
Likewise for anxious avoidant. If they keep trying to control and micromanage, nag, and persist on being intrusive, and don't work on being more self aware it must be hard to continue with that. I never know whether to take the emotional display as somewhat endearing, or as a inconsiderate. Or worse, some even use it as a manipulation tool. Because DA's don't normally bother others with our tears we fix it by ourselves. Pls regulate that stuff a little! Don't dump it on others. Anxious people I just don't date, as a rule, in case I won't be able to fulfill the big expectations. FA I can still understand to a good extent. Everyone has to work on their stuff to become more secure attached, otherwise we can inadvertently fuel the unhealthy cycle.
Likewise for any of the insecure attachment styles.
@@ashton1952True. However the DAs coping mechanisms seem to be more toxic and relationship destroying at times.
Can we also talk about the psychological abuse they put us through 🌝. Can there also be more videos on “why the anxious is flipping balls, when you discard them?”. So they understand what we are going through 🥲🥲🥲
If there's abuse there's something else you're dealing with over and beyond att styles. A narc will behave as such: elusive and evasive so you don't see past the fake face they put on. They will make you feel sorry for them so you give them your emotions and money etc. When they find another source of supply they discard and invalidate your emotions. then they suck you back in later by being charming. This is different from an attachment style, but, a person can have both at the same time. be sure to know what you're actually dealing with and don't tolerate mistreatment like them saying nasty things or manipulating you.
You know that mental pain is not the same as mental abuse right? Just cuz you’re hurting doesn’t necessarily mean they’re abusing you. And trust me, we already understand what you’re going thru, but it just gives us the ick that you don’t know how to regulate yourselves the way we’ve had to learn how to do. Which is often what turns “I need a little space” into “yea I need permanent space.”
@@tiktokshock4652 i agree, people should be able to self regulate, but the fact of the matter is, you are continuing the pattern that made you feel inadequate, when you expressed your feelings. You are literally shaming people for their feelings, and that is what led you to believing what you do, and why you cant handle being in a securely attached frame in a relationship. Does it make you feel good to harm others in the same fashion you were harmed in, just because you feel overwhelmed and cant express yourself? You need just as much work, as the Anxious people do, you just believe your disfunction is acceptable and the anxious persons is not, just because you believe you are right in your own self sabotaging behavior.
@@J23-n9d The answer is yes, they do in fact believe their own crap.
This is sooo accurate 💯
Illuminating. Insights I wish I understood before. My dear one and I did experience co-regulating when we cuddled. But outside that emotional disconnection took a toll
And what about my needs ?
Great insight!
excellent thank you coagulation is something I’ve never even considered
coregulation
I was trying to figure out this, co-regulation right? Your spelling checker is doing extra 😉
This is so who I am. Those things accepting empathetic and harmonious.
i can see how he would not have know that
Hi Thais
I have a question.
Growing up with a borderline parent I developed a DA attachment style.
Quite understandably So.
I started to work with your work last year and practiced vulnerability exposure work.
It was beautiful and I started to see effects around me.
Unfortunately over Christmas I had to go home to my family and open as I was I began sharing vulnerably about myself to them.
Unfortunately they reacted the same way they did in my childhood: complete and brutal rejection and dismissal of myself and my feelings.
It put me in deep shock.
I have been changed ever since and opening up again to be vulnerable again seems impossible now.
I have since gone no contact with my family but my guard is back up and my shell is as tightly closed as ever.
I can completely understand why I have this attachment style - it made complete sense in the environment I grew up in to
Protect myself as much as I can.
It seems to be impossible to me though to open up around others and to keep my guard up around my parents and siblings.
It is asking too much of me and the price I paid for being vulnerable to them is just too high.
What do I do? I have become closed off again and the idea of sharing vulnerably seems out of reach and too costly.
There is a reason for our attachment styles and our past isn’t actually over with our families…
I wish things were different.
Around a borderline parent it seems to be necessary to protect oneself at all costs.
Hope to hear your advice
✨
❤
I feel u. I've had to heal from similar trauma...N I'm sorry for your pain!
not sure you'd get a response from her here tho as there's usually a TON of comments N yours might get "lost" in them all. you're prob better off getting a more timely response thru her website or something? if not from her then 1 of her many counselors, I would think...best of luck to u ❤ hang in there!
I think maybe it's a question of knowing who you can open up around, and who not. Open up with a potential partner who is kind, and with good friends. Not with people who are ''empathically challenged'', like some family members.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm also a healing DA going full no contact with my family because I don't feel safe opening up to them. I found that it's easier to heal when you're away from emotionally toxic people (family and/or friends) and to focus on the nice and kind people you meet in your daily life. I've made better friends nowadays and I find that it gets easier over time to trust and open yourself up with safe people.
I think your intentions about sharing vulnerably with your family are well-meaning but it's impossible to build healthy relationships with people who haven't done the emotional work to meet you on an equal level.
I hope you find more emotional healing and my well wishes and thoughts are with you. Know that you're not alone in the struggle on the path of growth/healing.
@@sydneylau0391 well said❣️
Do you have any videos on a fearful avoidant and a secure together ? Or how an avoidant can turn a secure into a an anxious?
Or how a fearful avoidant can also be a covert narcissist?
Now I understand the breakup with perfect clarity... ahhh I am anxious attachment, combine it with a long distance - been in different continents for 8 months at the time, and she was working her butt off all day long so our communication was extremely limited. As such all of my alarm bells went off and did exactly the opposite... aaaaahhhhhhh :( I wish we could sort it out really... It's been 3 months we broke up and I am 2 months blocked everywhere. I don't know if she is a DA or not but she acted like that in the latter stages of our relationship which was long distance. Perhaps she was a DA that made a lot of progress until she had to go full on survival mode where she went just make ends meet. (same with me I wasn't exhibiting anxious behavior until that point (except in one instance)
It’s about the blindsiding withdrawal or shutdown, puts a person through emotional trauma, and in many cases they end up coping by cheating or seeking external validation. And this becomes extremely toxic over multiple cycles
I didn't feel safe with my DA for so many reasons because of their words and behavior, lack of consideration and empathy that I would get Angry after trying in other ways failed, and then my exasperated anger made them feel unsafe. And they told me so. But if I had felt safe with them, amd they didn't say certain words or phrases, I wouldn't have felt I can't be vulnerable and wouldn't have gotten upset. So neither of us felt safe emotionally at times even though in other ways we had such synergy and mutual flow of taking care of each other's best interests. But we needed more leaning in to tend conflict together. Being dismissed and iced out ... I feel helpless. After trying so hard, nothing to do with that.
The avoidant I dated was sensitive to certain words. If he said he was tired, I couldn’t say “I know you are”. He would get really defensive and say “no you don’t know, because you aren’t me.” I couldn’t use the words “I know” as a way of showing compassion. Obviously they trigger something in him. It was so difficult to just talk to him.
love this. thank you!
Trauma or not. DA's are dangerous and destructive people. By far, to me, one of the most insidious personality types that I've had the displeasure of coming in contact with 💯
No. Every insecure attachment has its own flavor of destructiveness. Get off your high horse.
Yes so important for me
What if they are too afraid to approach conflict resolution and want to just move on but conflict resolution is important to you? How can I respect my conflicting needs with their boundaries?
Heres what ChatGPT says for what it's worth:
Respecting their boundaries while addressing your need for conflict resolution involves open communication and understanding. You can express the importance of conflict resolution to you while also acknowledging their feelings and fears. Offer to approach the situation in a way that feels comfortable for them, such as through mediation or seeking professional help if needed. Finding a compromise that honors both your needs and their boundaries is key to navigating this situation effectively.
What kind of compromise in that situation?
A compromise could involve agreeing on a timeline or process for addressing the conflict that respects their need to move on while also ensuring that the issue is not ignored. For example, you could suggest setting aside a specific time to discuss the conflict in the near future, giving them time to process and prepare. Alternatively, you could propose seeking support from a neutral third party, such as a mediator or therapist, to facilitate the conversation in a safe and constructive manner. The key is to find a solution that honors both your need for resolution and their need for space and comfort.
What if they don't want to communicate?
If the other person is unwilling to communicate, it's essential to respect their boundaries while also considering your own needs. In such a situation, you can focus on addressing your own feelings and finding ways to move forward independently. This may involve seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to process your emotions and explore strategies for coping with the conflict. Additionally, you can set boundaries for yourself regarding how much energy and effort you're willing to invest in resolving the conflict without the other person's participation. Ultimately, you can only control your own actions and responses, so prioritizing self-care and personal growth is important in navigating conflicts where communication is challenging.
@@zachs4204thank you for all this. I appreciate it.
Watching this as an FA in some sort of bizarre dynamic friendship with another FA to better understand their “classic” avoidant patterning, as well as how my own avoidant patterning shows up more internally (but I will take space when I’m upset, then when my friend doesn’t break the cooldown period themselves ‘cause I’m assuming they also need space with how their patterning is otherwise, I then break that period myself. BUT once I do, we’re generally both ready to reconcile.)
I dated a guy with ADHD (took meds) and he was ALL UP IN MY GRILL. over texting over calling - he was crazy obsessed. he was always anxious ball of fire, always late, always forgetful. It was DONE. Then I dated a guy with aspergers of course I never knew what this all was at the time, just going crazy how abnormal these people were. He DISAPPEARED and reapppeared and disappeared and reappeared. I thought I wasnt good enough or something but apparently this was and is how he is. now he is married but i think the wife has something too. and the adhd one, he's single. so all this to say.... i think all avoidants have some sort of autism, had extreme regulation issues as a child from experiencing "rejection sensitivity" they're extremely sensitive either imploding or exploding.... was taught thats not ok and become stone walling deattched aloof anxious squirrels in traffic that switch into black and white thinking as aspies do and shut down completely. this is honestly the observation ive made over all the neurodivergents in my life. avoidants need other avoidants on the spectrum
I have to agree here, there seems to be a similar tendency in my experiences as well. It's a very hard and confusing signal to follow and understand from them. You basically have to fill in a parent/teacher role for them, to compensate for the confusion, and it makes a partnership and need for mutual support well... Not so mutual, unfortunately.
Perfect summation of what this specific disorder entails. Unless they are proactively, and consistently doing and getting the emotional healing work for this core wound, dont get involved with them in a serious relationship kind of way. Their coping mechanisms are very toxic and soul crushing. I’m not saying they mean to do this~but nonetheless, it happens in relationships where there is little to no healing work being done. Others who are not DAs, must set the boundary as a protection unless you want to needlessly suffer. NOBODY can change a DA in how they cope. Only the DA can decide if they’ll heal or not.
@@karinteeples9715 Well said 👍
I’m autistic and adhd fearful avoidant with childhood abuse, I’m with a dismissive avoidant adhd who grew up with an alcoholic parent. You hit the nail on the head because I dated a lot of avoidants and a lot of them never married. Just went from one messed up relationship to another
@@cecilang9721 yes to everyone replying - even then there is fate because every avoidant or adhd / autistic all this somehow married. there's a right type of fit for everyone one on the spectrum. currently traveling with someone with extreme adhd right now shes wild and her husband is autistic more grounded and not all over the place and allows her to be the way she is becasue he's literally obsessed with her and will not live without her. so everyone please find the right type of neurodivergent love for yourself in prayer and forgive lots i believe in the processing of being there for eachother for things that really matters. we all have some sort of issues different timing/love language. there is someone for everyone
boy... I needed that video seven months ago😔
It was not meant to be. Don’t be hard on yourself
Exactly the same thing I was thinking. I recently discovered that I am a text book avoidant and realized so much of the stuff I was doing but couldn't explain why. I could've done things differently had I known about this and saved the relationship. It's unbelievable.
@@burgendyblazer7679 thank you for sharing the experience. I wasn't the avoidant but I kinda freaked when I didn't know what was going on when my ex suddenly pulled out of the sudden. There were some family issues at play, I just wanted to make sure he was doing ok. I wanted to know what happened, and did everything I shouldn't have. I wanted to talk more. I guess I triggered him, we didn't survive. I still can't get over it.
@@carolinaaelin it's important to remember not to blame each other....its hard to blame someone when they aren't even aware of what's happening. That's why it's important to understand and be aware of things as much as possible... attachment style....triggers...causes... all of it.....that's what will lead to reconciliation if both parties are up for it. I am currently at a cross road in my relationship and I have no idea what to do....another trait of the avoidant. It's horrible.
@@burgendyblazer7679 yeah, I didn't know about attachment theory till 7 months ago. I very much regret it tho... I would love to reconcile as he really meant the world to me bur I doubt it, he blocked me after 4 months of no contact. His parents are still in contact with me, and as far as we know, he's still single (and very much isolating). But yeah... Ah really, I didn't know about that trait... if you don't mind me asking, what makes you feel this way?
This video got uploaded at such a good time for me! I'm a FA and my bf is a DA and we've been together for 1,5 months now. At the start he was really open about himself, caring and just loving overall but then all of a sudden closed himself off entirely. He's done so towards everyone and as far as I've heard from old friends of him it started a year ago where he wouldn't share anything at all and would cut contact from time to time up to a month. All I know from him was that a year ago he went through the worst time mentally but no one knows the details. Anyway, he all of a sudden doesn't want to share anything with anyone including me and is barely responding to me since the last time I saw him a few weeks ago. This video helps me shed some light on the areas I didn't know the details of. I need to work on the 3rd point but that'll be hard with half a year of difficult sleep and nothing that's really working to get it better for me. I'll see what I can do about it and I hope my bf will in the meantime figure himself out too despite refusing anything I share with him about this
Sounds like something traumatic happened, or memories from the past came back. Can't be easy for either of you
Information is power! He must know everything about attachment theory - he has to have the opportunity yo realize what's happening to him. He doesn't know what he doesn't know. Let him understand his attachment style, what it's doing to you and the relationship, what steps he can take to overcome and be secure. You have the right to judge him if he doesn't take action.....not now when he's in the dark.
Show him the way. He needs to do this for himself first because this will change his whole life.
You won't believe the Aha! moment I had when I realized I was an avoidant. It explained so much.
@@ashton1952 I guess so. I grew up in a chaotic household where I'm still stuck and my bf grew up without any privacy with his dad and then living on his own made him take all of it and keep it
@SunshineAndSnowflakes It's honestly really difficult for me because him suddenly withdrawing triggered me somehow to become really attaching. I can give him space for a few days but then I'm hurting myself and I come back barreling full of emotions. I'm trying to control it but my sleep deprivation is making everything so difficult for me. He also needs it for more than a month but I'm unable to abide by that. I'm stuck with trying to control myself to get used to silence so I can stay with him or break up with him
@@burgendyblazer7679 I've shared some useful links with him about it but he keeps dismissing it saying that it isn't for him. I also know it's extremely useful for him but I've honestly never met someone this damn stubborn. If he does read it I doubt he'll do anything with it because he only wants to do things on his own. He wants to do everything on his own no matter what and if you share something there's a really good chance he'll ignore it even if it's the answer to the universe. Maybe if I do put it into words directly what it is and send that to him he'll read it but I'm not sure he'll do anything with it. I hope he will because when he was open to me he was such a wonderful person. So kind, curious, open and energetic but now he's a stone and idk if I want to stay with him if he stays a stone
What does taking space mean like taking space with no clarity that last four weeks or months out of the blue blindsided? and when they see your confused or hurt, not even providing a sentence to state any kind of clarity
Thais could you do something on attachment and travelling with a partner. I’m a FA who is working on it, but travelling with a partner is so hard. You get very little space and I’m finding time here and there, but gosh I’m really having to manage myself.
Can you talk about how if you don't live with the person so you're not able to show up even in nonverbal ways to build the level of safety and consistency and then the dismissive avoidant partner is also not showing up in terms of like communicating and even playing Pinkfong in terms of like communication and connection maintenanceas a toxic distancing strategy
I was attuned and noticed her facial expressions and energy and Ask and she just deflected with humor or random facts or say she needs to brood alone. I was ready to listen, hold space and give empathy. But she would soothe or numb or escape with online time.
What if your married to a DA and they break up with you out of nowhere but don't want a divorce.....been 3months going on 4
I would divorce if you aren’t interested, it sounds like they want to play with other fishies in the pond without losing security.
Can you talk about if you're like kind of already being all of these ways with your partner and they just continue to shut down and there's not really any progress of moving security even though you are a and consistent base?
I'm curious what you mean by "space". I have lived with a DA for six months. He tends to leave the house for days.
Let them take space for ever 😊
Don't make yourself suffer because they are insecure
Can u do a video on why would a fearful avoidant ex try to hurt u on social media?
Doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with being fearful avoidant. Some people are just bitter or a**holes.
@@tiktokshock4652 I agree, I'm DA/FA and been hurt bad by several FAs in my life, but if they ever did rotten shit like this it had nothing to do with them being FA, most of the FA things about them made them even harder to lose.
@@tiktokshock4652yep I was thinking the same thing. Lolol. That's just an arsehole.
You say Dismissive but the title reads Fearful?
Hi
I would love to buy one of the course but I really don't know if I am an AP or FA. Done more tests and all differs and also have lots of core wounds that applies to all AP & FA & DA.
Is there a way to know this?
Are you very present in the early stages of a relationship, but begin to retreat as intimacy increases? Do you want to be close to your partner but also feel the need of independence and feel unhappy when someone is in your space too much? Do you feel anxious when your partner withdraws but avoidant when they pursue? Then, you could be FA. With the AP, the periodic avoidance is generally missing.
@cic It's possible to have a combination
@@GeoffreyAngapa thanks! yes, I def feel overwhelmed sometimes when they pursue and had that question in my head, why the hell is that so maybe I am FA.
will do thais' test then and see how that turns out. Thanks 😍
@@cic789 You're welcome. But remember, you're not defined by any of this. The choice is in your hand, what you do. The rest is in the mind.
Does the avoidance always come from childhood, or can that develop as a result of painful, failed relationships? Are they truly avoidant, or just are they avoiding any close relationships due to fear of another relationship going bad, not wanting to try again?
I believe it can be both. When a partner observes your emotions in order to use them against you later, you learn to hide them. With rage fits and fight provoking, shutting down is self defense. After being controlled and gaslighted you become wary.
@@ashton1952thanks for your reply. Makes sense.
@@MIMIDSH yw, It's been my experience, and I've heard the same from others too
For sure, you develop an attachment style in childhood, but it’s not set in stone & it can change due to experiences. Secure can become anxious or avoidant, or with therapy anxious can become secure etc. The only the one that’s pretty unlikely to change is dismissive avoidant because they’ve had basically a full mental transformation into believing they genuinely don’t need anyone, so they don’t really see a point in changing that.
@@tiktokshock4652I think it's according to each individual, DA's are apparently the highest number of people attending the PDS to try fix themselves. It's self righteous criticizing from a certain department that's always carrying on ad nauseam about DA's not working on themselves. Don't take it too serious 😉
Advice please I beg you. Met this girl at work been over a year. We hit it off early on she said lots of things both sexual and just how much she likes me etc then couldn't get her to go out with me. After asking her out 3 times I said ok if you want to go out you let me know. She never did. 3 months go by and she starts responding to my social media stories and going out of her way to reingage in person. Also texting how have I been etc. I decided to reingage because I felt maybe she was now ready possibly. We've had many talks I've exposed myself and been vulnerable. I've always managed to stay respectful let her know I'm not judging her etc. she has flaked on me a lot. She's been over once relatively recently. She just asked if I would wanna hang Friday. I said yes. Friday comes I say hey are we still on she says I'm going to the gym rn. Then nothing else. I know she likes me. When we engage in person I feel it I see it I know it. She tells me she is scared to invest time into anotyer relationship. I ask if she thinks she sees anything moving forwards between us and she said I don't wanna say yes but I also don't wanna say no. She's opened up about her past trauma she's opened up about her fears and how she retreats from the world to stay safe etc basically all the stuff you've explained. My biggest concern is not being able to get her to go out with me. Also the texting is insanity. Some nights she'll wanna text forever then she'll go days with nothing. This girl is worth it so I can't just move on so any ideas or advice?
How is she worth it?
@@dclarke2179 ive learned a lot about her who she is etc.
Hey bro. Similar situation. I'm 26 and she's 24. We work together but in different buildings. We only see each other at work events and happy hours. We never hang out one on one so bc she has expressed it's best to hang out with others. So we hang out drunk and do have our one on one moments that are insane. Touching, teasing, talking dirty.
She has said she's not ready for a relationship and has a hard time being vulnerable. The texting is the same as you say it: Insanity. But it is good to know there is a homie out there with a similar problem. Make the best of it. Some women treat texting very seriously.
Try not to rush things especially if there is a future of you two working together for another year or so. But don't fall into the friend zone. Keep your intentions known and keep things sexual. You cannot loose the tension. You also have to start leading more. If she says she's going to the gym then you gotta respond saying something like you'll pick her up when she gets back home. Or say something about how she should do cardio with you instead. You get the idea. I've gradually learned to not take what a women says too seriously because they often mean and do something else, and keep their inner desires a secret.
Sometimes women be exhibiting red flags. But that is everyone. And we don't know everyone's story. Sometimes women are still healing from other relationships. As someone in a similar position as you, do not give up if you think she is worth it. But she needs to show some improvement in opening up and communicating, of course. When it counts to be transparent, be an example of direct communication.
You pulling away for a while was good. You might have to again to give her space to figure shit out. That's normal. But when she comes back around next time you have to assert yourself. In the meantime, create a life and frame she is comfortable enough to step into. Most women just want to hop along for the ride. So create the best ride possible, for you bro.
And talk to other women just b being a decent mature guy. I personally like to focus on one but I noticed that talking to other women makes you less anxious and keeps your mind off the women you're truly worried about. Having options makes you less desperate for one woman and also makes you look wanted in their eyes. Women want what others want.
first of all thank you for sharing and helping me out dude. im trying my absolute best not to rush things sometimes i feel peer pressure from others like what are you doing waiting for this girl if she liked you shed go out with you and all that. but i know its not that simple. also just last week she asked to go to my car and talk and weve been doing this for quite some time now which i think is good. we usually talk about whats on our minds address her fears try and talk thru them with her while not judging and then i always end with discussing fun things or stories etc. i guess i just dont know how to push for more time with her while also respecting her healing. @@Verulam1626
I just got out of a situationship with a DA. Didn’t know what a DA was until a month after we split. My question is this. She was on the fence with me, hot and cold, pulling away, and ofc she would tell me abt her ex that she “wanted to marry” but he told her she wasn’t worth it. So DAs carry these traits with them even when they’re madly in love?
Sounds like she has a strong “I’m defective” wound. That’s terrible her ex told she wasn’t worth it. That’s unnecessarily cruel. She sounds like she’s afraid to let herself open up to love again.
When is a DA is madly in love, she’ll be avoidant. Not in the beginning because there’s no commitment. But as the relationship progresses it gets worst with a DA. You might want closeness and she just wants space… it’s toxic. Find yourself a healthy woman my brother
@joev7014 Gosh this really resonated with me and the DA I was recently involved with (I wanted a relationship, but he refused to put a label on it or fully commit 😢). He was great at first, but then he seemed to start catching feelings (sending me love songs when he was drinking, etc etc) and then suddenly he started nit-picking reasons (that made no sense) why we wouldn't work, and the next thing, he upped and left, and blocked me on absolutely everything 😭😭😭I feel crushed
@@whiggygirl A DA’s biggest fear is needing someone. Because they were abandoned by the people they needed most. Most people feel pretty rejected & unloved when they are pushed away by one, but the fact they pushed you away is probably BECAUSE they loved you & that’s when it gets unbearably scary for them. They don’t necessarily mean to push you away, what they’re really trying to push away is their need for you. I know it doesn’t fix anything but maybe it will give you some peace in knowing that you were in fact loved, even if that’s not how it came across at the time.
@@whiggygirl DA can be completely cold and have no remorse especially when you become vulnerable. My advice, go no contact. You’ll heal slowly and they’ll sense the energy shift. You’ll probably wanna try again eventually but it’ll never change. Even after years of trying. It happened to me. You’ll lose all your energy thinking about them… they can feel when you really moved on and that’s when they’ll come back… don’t do it tho. You’ll end up in the same cycle for years
Yall are here for advice and guidance. Stop giving advice, or taking advice you read in the comment reel.
They need therapy thats what they need. Don't start relationships if you are mentally unable to treat people they way you like to be treated.
It's interesting how people in society have shifted from shaming people who were once in therapy to now shaming people into getting therapy. It's as if shame as a motivating factor doesn't actually help people heal or grow. Interesting.. 🤔
I believe if people ar here it's because they realized they need to do something. And in the process of pointing it out about others, we can ask what we can improve about ourselves, because maybe we're being enablers, or being draining for them, or acting in away that makes them want to withdraw to avoid our angry outbursts.
CAn THAIS DO A VIDEO ON FEARFUL AVOIDANT , ON WHAT
THEY NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO CONNECT, OPEN UP
AND HAVE A HEalthy NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR PARTNER..
THERE ISN’T MANY VIDEOS ON WHY & How THEY NEED TO DO open up
More on an emotional level or tools to do so..
HOW TO REGULATE THEIR EMOTIONS
ON A MORE LOGICAL level
So they don’t scare off their partner. 😢
Lol This comment just shows that you don’t have any idea how they even think. They like space. So they usually feel just fine with people treating them they way they treat people. So why would they want to change that? They just don’t need to be with anxious attached because it’s draining.
@@cindybesitos8933I believe she has this in the courses offered by PDS school; or maybe in the yt videos, there are many to watch here
Bingo: Being humble enough to recognize that I ain’t God almighty and that He has a better plan for my children.
What if he has asked me for space but he is adding girls to his Instagram?😭
Here I wanna share my experience
I was a DA since my childhood.Love, feelings and being emotional these things was just a joke for me. Then about 9 months ago I fell in love for the first time in my life with a man he is 15 years older than me . When for the first time I met with him I just completely fell for him . My attachment for him was anxious but he was a Dismissive avoidant by his nature. I was unaware from attachment styles before. I crave for him all day long I feel irritated when he didn't try to be open up with me then he completely ghosted me for 3 months during this period of time I also met with another boy he was also young handsome. He fall in love with me but I was totally avoidant for that boy. I ghosts him for almost not being consistent in anything with 2nd boy even I knew that he loves me but because I wasn't into him I didn't respond properly but I also like him in other ways.
I think when we don't love someone we completely become an avoidant for the people we don't love on the other hand we are an anxious for the people we are in love...
It is not about attachment styles it is about values we have for someone.
No, you didn't understand the attachment style
@@TSVlogs-q2u I understand attachment styles I'm studying attachment styles for over 3 months on every single day from different to different coaches
I made this conclusion after my personal experience now I'm dating 2nd boy in my life in secure way but not the way I was doing first one..
We have secondary attachments styles; like "back up" style when a situation does not accommodate our primary attachment style. I'm securely attached, I've always been. However, my past relationship was with an avoidant, making my anxious-preoccupied(secondary style) show up. It was an uncomfortable and unwelcome feeling so after trying to make it work with him for a while, I've pulled myself from the situation.
Sounds like you’re Fearful Avoidant, not Dismissive
@@julesD0222 no I was a past dismissive avoidant I couldn't be open up about my feelings I have never told the man that I love him. It was not easy for me to share about my feelings.
Now I'm healing and working on my attachment style.
This is way to much work for a relationship honestly, why would anyone want to be in a non fulfilling relationship with someone who is basically emotionally unavailable
What I find funny is the number of people hating avoidants in the comments yet they're here trying to learn about avoidant's. Also its important to realize you attracted him because you do not have a secure attachment. You're the other side of the coin. And a part of the problem as well.
Kiss him when he grumbles
Thais, your videos were much better when you didn't show random people showing fake feelings. Just seeing you talking is much more credible.
This is a great video but I don't care what anyone says. Fearful avoidants are the worst partners and will leave you betrayed and traumatized for years even if you do everything right for them.
What are you? Are you a DA?
@@joev7014 I was secure and confident, and became extremely anxious in the relationship with the FA.
@nora I think people are getting hurt by narcissists and think it's an att style. As many as 1 in 6 people can be narcs and unfortunately it's a disorder and not fixable. NPD and an att style can occur in an individual but they're different separate things. Can't use att style methods to fix it and anyone trying can end up in a long-term toxic situation. There are questions that can be asked when you first meet someone new that can indicate narc tendencies.
Sounds like you’re talking about narcissists
I'm sorry for the pain you've gone through, I'm DA/FA and the people who hurt me most in life were also FAs, the way they'd ghost for good after seemingly minor conflicts after near decades of being "soul mates", the way when they left there was no possibility of ever talking again, total shut off, so no possibility for conflict resolution or ever having a say at all. I used to be more pure FA when younger and I have no problem with people being angry at FAs, or any other attachment style for that matter, there are some rotten apples among every style. Rest up and heal up well
This sounds eerily similar to how men typically solve their problems. Men will take space from everyone in his life and contemplate his options in order to come to a solution to his problem. I continue to do this till this day.
That's because most men are avoidsnt because they're taught that "crying is for girls".... which is not true! They're taught to be strong and not to show vulnerability, which just ends up leaving them more stressed because we all need emotional support at some point.
@@angelinarinna5014 not exactly. The REAL issue is that men are being expected to relate to feelings the same way a woman does. Men have an entirely different relationship to feelings than women and trust FACTS over feelings. Men simply don't operate that way. Society however is telling men that how women behave is the standard and pushing men to behave like women. Men are logical/physical creatures and women are emotional/mental creatures. Women solve their problems by talking them out (venting, an emotional response) and men solve them by thinking about them and weighing their options (taking space, a logical response). Once we stop expecting everyone to be the same, things will get better as we evolved to SURVIVE that way.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7gI'm a dude and there is so much wrong with this statement that I don't even want to try
I’m a man and I’m not avoidant…
@@tarkov_6 Translation: "I don't have a rebuttal, but I'm triggered by what you said, so instead of providing my opinion I'll just act as if what you said is beneath me." If you had a rebuttal, you wouldn't have to "try." You're just trolling.