Avoidants May Come Back If These Two Things Happen...
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- Опубликовано: 28 июн 2024
- Avoidants don't always come back, but many of them do because of two reasons. Both are outlined in this video!
Chapters:
00:00 Avoidants Come Back
00:29 First Reason They Come Back
00:48 Why They Pull Away Abruptly
03:07 Second Reason They Come Back
05:39 How Anxious & Avoidants Process Breakups Differently
06:27 What Do You Do When They Come Back
08:02 What Avoidants Experience Durning No Contact
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feel like these types care too much what their friends think about their relationships ..... an also they dont see the good they just focus on all the negatives ......
100% agree.
Not uncommon to think that. Many have low self esteem, and naturally care about the opinions of others to determine if they’re “doing the right things”. Usually it doesn’t stem from an ego but is rather a form of hypervigilance. As for focusing on negatives, this can often happen as they deactivate as it can help them to reinforce their need for space and decisions to disconnect from relationships all together. It’s sometimes very subtle that they’re not even aware they do it. Although it can be easy to take it personally, it often has more to do with them than you
most people right now, social media makes them think they can get a perfect partner with everything fixed, looks, money, spiritual, charm. what they forget is no one is perfect and even if they know they subcons think they can get better. never been so many single women/moms in 100 years!
Yes! Major factor.... I always here so and so mate who he hardly cares about said why is he still with me etc.
@@healingwithcharlieI really want to thank you. People hate us so much, and you manage to show them we are humans. I hate being an avoidant and would love to feel connected in my relationship. But, indeed, I feel myself pulling away and only seeing the negatives of being in it.
This is nice video... but I dont think the avoidant comes back. I think when they start to feel empty during the no- contact period, they move on to new person to get that love bombing phase again and they will leave that person too after sometimes and will start no- contact period again.. and the cycle will go on like this.
Facts.
True. I would never give this person a second chance.
Thats exactly what happens..almost an addiction to dopamine..the newness that wears off. They come back only to leave repeatedly. Unless they take the time to work on themselves..most won't
.
@@justmegee88 precisely! Like the bad habits that may come as coping mechanisms when they occasionally miss us (which may even involve drug abuse), this search for the new comes too. And I'm so certain this is how its going to be with my ex, that hurts a lot. Even tho I dont truly believe in that "winning the breakup" thing so much, it really feels like I'm the loser here
No contact for 7 months now.. blocked initially. He now blocked me too. Just save yourself the pain and time.
I feel you it is so hurtful.
Why did you block him
@user-xu4xj2cd2j because he would constantly engage eventually, but leave 3-4 weeks between every interaction. And when I clearly communicated my boundaries and needs and ge still doesn't let go nor leaves me alone then I have to take that step and decide for us. At the end I have to protect myself.
I dont think we save the pain. We just deal with it easier when we detach from them.
@@anetak.9494 boundaries can be toxic too but if you feel good by protecting yourself good job :)
knowing my ex has 100% full ego, he’s not coming back. tried so hard to make win him back, to the point of almost begging him, but i know his decision is final. he even said “i’m too toxic for you. i’m tired seeing you suffer with me.” and when i told him that i was willing to compromise and adjust this time to make our relationship work. his reply was “dont try to adjust for someone who’s not even willing to change their behavior for you.”
i have never felt so unworthy before.
He’s telling you that you deserve better. He sees your worth . He’s telling you and you’re taking offense , he’s releasing you to find a greater man💙
Don't worry honey I remember when I was talking to this guy that I really liked I really wanted it to go somewhere to randomly telling me *"i can see us together for a while but not forever and what i know about you, you need someone better than me".*
I wouldn't listen at first and was hurting for a while but I gave him one more chance months later to make something happen, he didn't so I finally told myself *"f**#ck** it.. he don't want me then someone else will"* i moved on never looked back. He tried coming back a few times claiming his "feelings" for me. I was done lol
He is choosing the easy path of not stepping up, out of victimhood. And disguising it as a grand gesture of letting you for someone else who deserves you. It is you, and only you, by choosing not to want for this person who will allow yourself to let the right person enter your life. I know you wish he would simply step up and own his issues, work on it. But it sounds like he has made it clear that he will not change, and will remain a victim in a world of self created problems. You are true to adjust, you are true to compromise. But know that some people are not meant to follow you on your elevating journey, and it is not your role to guide them there. Go on
I'm like you, the same hurtful words that he doesn't want any relationship with me and that he won't change and I'm like an idiot I'm still running after him to prove to him the opposite.
@@meriamzz2449 stop chasing. From personal experience it doesn't do anything other than wast YOUR TIME. He isn't worth it. Find someone who actually wants you. There's a reason why he doesn't want you now, he's not gonna change his mind later. While he's out living his life talking to other women you're letting him live rent free in your head. That's not fair for you.
I choose to love you in silence
For in silence I find no rejection
I choose to love you in loneliness
For in loneliness no one owns you but me
I choose to adore you from a distance
For distance will shield me from pain
I choose to kiss you in the wind
For the wind is gentler than my lips
I choose to hold you in my dreams
For in my dreams - you have no end
Even if magically she comes back, I do not want her to come back now. I don't want her to give me what I need now. I needed her then. I needed her emotional support then, not her cold shoulder. I needed someone who reciprocated the stability, communication and safety I was providing. Not a cold shoulder, emotional shutdown and diminishing my concerns and feelings just because they were insignificant to her, in HER world and opinion. The five pillars of love are love, friendship, trust, honesty and respect. The weakest one of those five, is love. It goes up and down and is subject to emotion. The rest are subject to character, and something we actively choose to entertain. It is a choice to try and to make things work.
This too shall pass
It has passed ❤@@maxsheerin8219
And in that silence, loneliness and distance, I realize that he is not who I want.
Yep, exactly what happened lol@@DontDishItOutIfYouCantTakeIt
💯
Often we overgive due to our anxiety, which makes the fearful/dismissive avoidant not understand who we are. he knows all my Yes's but none of my No's and also we walk on eggshells not asking the avoidant questions about how they feel about things in the relationship. We also forget to ask them of things.
We get exhausted by our overinvestment, and we start to cry when they seem to not care. I learnt the hard way that direct communication is much better. Using words. "I would feel much less alone if I wasn't planning all our dates. Every other week/time I feel it's your turn to intiate. That is my opinion for a healthy relationship. What do you think?"
"How do you feel about ...?"
Simple questions but often we see the other person as a different species (gender, attachment style, religion, ethnic group) so we don't ask them, instead we guess.
I read alot about men-on-the-asperger-spectrum, men-and-women, fearful-avoidants, cptsd, difficulty-understanding-facial-expressions-for-trauma-survivors, etc. But none of that actually helped me. I just overinvested and he didn't get what I was doing, at all. So he stopped caring about me.
What helped was me later on treating him like someone who has the answers, someone who knows how he feels.
"Would you tell me more about that?" "Could you help me with...?" "It seems like you don't want to talk anymore about this so i back off now
How has it been going on so far? Please please answer
Ok, as someone who dated an avoidant, yes they do come back, multiple times actually if they like you enough, BUT they won’t stay. Just let them be. I am a Fearful Avoidant, who was dating a dismissive avoidant, it sucks and I am working to be secure. I sick and I know it. But working on it.
they come back testing the waters, and yes- they don't stay. if they do not do the inner work while they're away, they will continue to pull away as emotions are scary and closeness is unsafe.
after how many days they did come back ?
Its going to take anywhere between 3 months to 5 months@@oussamarizk758
Resist the devil and he will flee from you!
@@oussamarizk758mine and I broke up a month ago. I was still chasing for maybe 2 weeks she finally blocked me and then like 3 weeks later she drunk calls me from her friend’s phone.
Take it for what it’s worth but idk if I have the patience to deal with someone who doesn’t know whether or not they want to be with me. I was losing myself trying to be everything for this woman and when I had certain needs they were met with arguments, insults, or cold shoulders. I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to end it.
Why would you want someone back who did this to you? Regardless of the attachment style, it is an inhumane way to treat someone! As you can tell, I recently broke up with someone with this attachment style. In my relationship, he left me with a heap of bills; no wonder he is avoidant. Thank you for this video.
Charlie you are wonderful i am secure and i was with an avodent for 2 years on and off i gave him space love whatever was needed. So i got tired and walked away so he came back but i was guarded because of the pain i went through. So he abruptly broke up with me before new years it shocked me because i was willing
So now its no contact and i blocked him.my take is this if they don't do the work its not worth it because it will be the same pattern and we deserve better. Relationships are on their terms it was the most loneliness relationship I've ever been in i was so unhappy
So good luck to anyone who wants them back. Buckle up and get ready for the ride . Thanks Charlie.
I've always been secure until my avoidant & he made me anxious! 2 yrs of push/pull...cold/hot...involvement with another woman whom he claims isn't needy like me! 1 mntj ago he got upset at me & blocked me for the umpteenth time in 2 yrs but I've decided if he tries to come back again I don't want to get back in a relationship with him. Its a Neverending cycle with him. He's had several relationships that don't last & now I know why.
@Sheliasmith2884 hiw long before he came back plz during NC?
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w anywhere from 1 month to 6 months. I never know.
PROBLEM IS WHEN I DATED AN AVOIDANT, I HAD NO IDEA THIS IS WHAT HE WAS.
.. SO IT WAS HORRIBLE AND I WAS SO HURT.... I KNEW I WAS ACTING NORMAL BUT DIDNT KNOW WHY HE WAS SO MEAN AND DISTANT ALL THE TIME! NOW I KNOW WHY... 😢
My ex, she is fearful avoidant, it’s just so much pain to deal with. And full on ego. Doesn’t even have guts to admit she was lying from the beginning until I force her to confess. Well I was stupid enough to let it go and continue relationship. Sort of she is literally covered by red flags. Well love or the feeling they bring you make you blind af
Exactly. I’m not even sure I want him back after this. What’s the point of me going through such a contemptuous experience? I’m capable of giving and getting better treatment than this.
yeah I'd never do this to him. but he's done it 50 million times in 5 years and I can't take any more. I've done nothing wrong and he's just disappeared, on valentines day like he did last year, just ruins me even being able to love him as I spend half my life having to respect no contact.
Thank you for this. We truly deserve better, I wouldn't wish this treatment on my worst enemy and they do this to people they LOVE. Anf they feel justified. No remorse, no apology.
I can't date someone who sees nothing wrong with this, because I refuse to be treated worse than I would ever treat anyone. If you're reading this wondering if they'll come back: who gives a fuck. You don't deserve someone who might or might not give you an ounce of what you need and then take it away whenevert they feel like it. I wish I got away sooner and saved myself from so much heartbreak.
She told me I was the first man to show her respect in a relationship, bragged to her friends and family that it was the healthiest relationship she'd ever been in, literally thanked God I was put into her life. I'm at the point in my life where I'm over hookups and just coasting through relationships, I found something real with her. We had one awkward part towards the end where she pulled away and I kept doing things just to let her know I was there for her, that I would be no matter what. Then, seemingly out of the blue, she broke up with me. Told me she couldn't be the person I wanted her to be, that we weren't emotionally compatible etc. none of it made sense, we haven't talked in a month now. I love that woman with all of my heart and soul, I just want her to be happy.
This is a very story to mine. He broke up with me out of nowhere, said our affection styles aren't the same and wouldn't be compatible together. I was the first person to really care about him more than any of his exes. Hope you're healing through it and are able to focus on the positive days ahead!
Literally the exact same boat, stay strong man
Bro that’s exactly what happened to me it’s been 3 months and it’s still hard
Literally same story, looks like this a common pattern. I consider myself anxious attachment and I think when we see them pulling away we want to solve and make them sure we love them, but I have learned this makes avoidants even more doubtful and distant. It's been one month out from this last relationship and I have realized that this is not the love and honest communication I deserve, but we can't do anything but continue working on ourselves and wish them growth. Hopefully they one day realize that love requires the decision to share your individuality, and for some avoidants, this is a loss. It's hard but stay strong brother!
I felt you, and after watching tons of videos, here's what i learnt
Learn to accept the fact the why she/he leaves you has nothing to do with you yourself, its THEIR decision. You have more value then you think you were.
Dont live in your fantasy, live in the reality. The reality is your ex left you. That is it. No why. Only when you are calm enough, asssess the situation to make sure you get a good grasp of the quality you are looking after, dont be hasty for the next journey, and be more aware of the red flags coming.
It's essential to heal and work on your self when the avoidant won't communicate or you are both doing no contact, but if the A doesn't do the work as well then might be better to walk away rather than expect thing to improve 😔
Accept life and the hardships it brings, remember there are so many more potential partners and infinite futures out there for each and every one of us.
Don't let yourself be held back by people who don't value you or your time and learn to respect yourself and accept yourself as you are.
It's not all your fault and it never was, accept that you can't control everything in life and that it's okay. Take control of your own life instead of wasting time trying to figure out how to control the uncontrollable.
Life goes on, you'll get over this and become stronger
Without any negative experiences in life the good experiences would never feel as great as they do.
You got this!
Great advice ❤🙏🏼
Thanks Charlie!! I really need to hear these words at this moment,,not because i dont know these things,but sometimes we need someone to remind us of what we know, and reassure us that we can overcome whatever we are going through...thanks Charlie,i really appreciate it.
I am so so so happy I finally have the explanation of why my love pulls away!
I can honestly heal even more from this. Thank you so much! I will check out the journal.
Thank you for this video. 7 years of being with the one I wanted to call my soulmate, my everything. I was denying myself the truth of what we were in favor of staying the same just so I could be with him. This video is the first one to really give me hope that I can move on and not be afraid of doing so. It still sucks and it’s still hard, but I finally have some form of motivation that I can strive for.
OMG 23 seconds in and its my situation EXACTLY - so glad I serendipitously found this channel 🙏 I subscribed 😊 thanks this is the therapy i need to hear to heal as well but i can already say I WON'T be here if my avoidant "ex" wants to come back - he's going find i RAN far far away never to be found again. HE IS THE ONE WHO ASKED ME TO BE VULNERABLE. HE is the one who told me to "be all in" - I was trying to go slow!! Mind f*ckery it is.
Even if they have the exterior of happiness, deep inside the avoidant is not happy. The unhealed childhood traumas stand in the way of it
Hey Charlie! Your content, delivery and the fact that you were an avoidant all make your videos and messages so powerful and eye opening. Thank you! I’m actually a secure person that was blindsided and dumped by a FA after 3 years. Any insight or future videos including the dynamic of us secure people would be a huge help.
Thanks for sharing! Great suggestion! I plan on making more videos relating to secure attachment as I continue to become more secure myself
His ego won't allow him come back.. Been in NC for 2months
takes 4 months for them to come back 😅
@@wizardkitty92yeah.. I doubt it.. he’s embarrassed for the betrayal he did.. knowing he had a good one here
@@jeaneengant6771
EXACTLY the same for me!
I waited 3 months once and he still did come back. He's just fucked off again tho. No reason whatsoever. Sick of it.
Approaching nine months over here.
Give up hope. Its the best advice.
No contact for 1.5 years and i dont expect to hear from her again. Especially as she mentioned she was stubborn.
Ps we got on well - she just didnt like me asking where it was going after 2 years of meeting once a month 😬
I was with a fearful avoidant for four years in a relationship/situationship. I am 70% secure and 30% FA myself, so letting him have space was fairly easy for me. I like my space, also. I also had a life with friends, family, and activities apart from him. The main issue with him was fear of intimacy. He preferred friendship. He was very comfortable keeping all his ex's as friends. He even wanted to remain friends with me after he dumped me for another. Nope. Only secure persons moving forward.
This is something that narcissists do. Just saying…
@@fortheladies771 Yes, narcissists do this also. The difference,IMO, is that narcissists intend to hurt and abuse. Avoidants act out of fear. They generally have no intention to hurt. In general, I think they are kind people.
@annewrenn3496 agreed..I was with a narc for 2 years ..that was the worst relationship ever!!! Avoidants don't do it to hurt you..they are the ones who are fearful of getting hurt
Excellent video Charlie! Very summed up and meaning at the same time!
this is such good, quality content! I wish you all the best with growing your channel Charlie. both your delivery and the visual, lighting quality of the video is very high up there. all the best to you with your RUclips journey!
Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind comment. I'm hoping to eventually improve the visual quality and my background further but in due time :)
These videos get me with the title and then it's actually proper healing advice.. Thank you lol!!
You are sooo good at explaning and advicing. Thank u very much for doing this🙏
Thank you! I hope you've found my content helpful and insightful. Wishing you all the best! :)
I have been listening to all of your videos and they are very informative. I have an anxious attachment style. Ex ghosted me a week before last Xmas after a 4 month relationship. He did mention to me ironically during that time that why I haven't gone back to my hobbies which I left when I met him. I feel like I was the one that was more emotionally attached during the time we were together. Anyway it's been about 6 or 7 weeks of no contact, and I really do wish he would contact me eventually. This video of yours is really the epitome of all the videos I've watched here on youtube. I totally agree with going back very slowly if he ever does. thank you for giving us anxious attachment styles some hope. Keep up the good work Charlie!
Thanks for checking out my videos! I hope they've been helpful. I'm a firm believer that getting back in touch with any hobbies or interests that were pushed off to the side during the relationship is a great way to get back to yourself, and also entice an ex to reach out to you again. Chances are, those hobbies and interests are partly what attracted them to you in the first place, and many avoidants and fearful avoidants like when their partners can uphold those activities as the relationship continues. I wish you luck on your healing journey!
Thanks Charlie for your reply and time!@@healingwithcharlie
This video has been so healing. You are incredible.
I’m glad you found it valuable! Wishing you all the best :)
It’s been one year she ain’t coming back , I’m not waiting i did the work and changed so much during that time. But the idea of creating something better with that girl always on my mind. I’ve been in no contact 11 months now, she didn’t contact me at all.
It's 6.5 months of me waiting to hear back from my ex who dumped me by text and ghosted me. I'd never take him back now. I still CANNOT believe I never ever heard from him again. After everything I did for him... and so sweet to him. Never even raised my voice at this guy. Never said no to him. So so sweet to him. Gave him 110% whilst he gave me 1%.
Why does this happen tho? Why some of them never reach out to you.
Some of them are narcissist and not avoidants.. and if they are narcissistic, you should really run far away because these people really just use you.. but someone not reaching out could also mean they are severly avoidant and kind of fear being rejected by you or think that by now you might have just moved on..@@nimishapathak199
You broke up. Why would they reach out to you? Unless you've got kids together, technically you shouldn't be having contact with an ex. That's the whole point of breaking up. @@nimishapathak199
>I’m not waiting
>with that girl always on my mind
No judgment here, just hope you'll eventually move on, buddy.
You are right about how anxious get overwhelmed and then come down from that. My body and brain struggle but then I come down and soon enough I hit that switch and I flip it and they can’t come back unless it’s my way and then I realize that’s my fantasy brain talking as I don’t want a my way relationship
Excellent video 🎉🎉🎉🎉
My avoidant ex sent me a friend request on FB just to delete it once I accepted. No surprise! and #NeverAgain
What a douchebag😢
Thank you for this, I learnt a lot about myself ❤
Charlie you’re a genius
Been listening to all your videos. Everything has played out exactly like you say in your videos. Was in an almost 3 year relationship and got blind sided. She says she still loves me, and that I'm the love of her life, but that she thinks I deserve someone "better". I tried the bargain phase etc, and she has closed herself off so much from her emotions that she wont let us work on things together. She's the love of my life also, and regardless of either of our attachment styles I know we could work through this if she'd give it a chance. Going no contact in the hopes she comes back. Besides a few issues here and there we had a great life together. I can't imagine spending whatever time I have left with anyone else. I have horrible insomnia and was hoping your video would be up, but unfortunately it's 3 more hours till the drop. I'm working on myself and all the things I'm supposed to do, but I have to hold on to hope that there is a chance she'll come back. I've been married/divorced, and have had several relationships, but I have never been in love like this. Any help/advice/encouragement is appreciated.
Thanks for checking out my videos! It's okay to have hope. In the meantime, focus on getting back to you with each day. Revisit old hobbies, interests or activities that bring you joy. This can help with any sleep issues while you navigate this difficult time. In the meantime, stick with no contact as best you can and level up in whatever way is meaningful for you. There's always hope she'll come back again, in the meantime for your health it's important to focus on your and your loved ones. Wish you all the best!
Charlie thank you for the response. If I can ask you two small questions please. My ex knows she's an avoidant, but she doesn't see that's what she's doing now before I went no contact. Is that typical? Also while I'm doing my healing and leveling up myself during no contact, would I reach out to her after a period of time, or do I let her reach out to me? I know avoidants are tricky with a limited window.
Yes avoidants have a very hard time seeing the pain that they often inflict on their partners or they will minimize it it's a common theme for avoidant people the best thing to do is work on you're self yes you can have all the love in the world but if you don't focus on your own flaws it will eventually blow up in your face anxious people or A.P's have a habit of putting all their focus and attention on how to accommodate a avoidant to the point that they abandon their own wants and needs and it actually will make an avoidant run from you and distance themselves even more give her space and time and also make sure she is WORKING ON HER SELF TOO!..NOT just you or your relationship will become one sided you can't carry the load for the both of you guys you will burn you're self to the ground sir trust me avoidants will secretly judge you to if you become to needy you have to let things organically play out forcing a outcome or even being obsessed about it will not do you any favors sorry if this came off harsh if you truly love her and your self you will set boundaries and focus on you not make her the focus if that makes sense..I use to be avoidant and a bit anxious until I met my ex who was more avoidant then me lol I'm in therapy now learning more about myself and yes my ex has tried to come back a few times but he doesn't want to try therapy or really dig deep because that type of stuff is scary for avoidants I understand it's nothing I can do but to keep pushing forward.. avoidants do come back trust me, if they really had a bond with you they will try but it's up to you on what your non negotiables are please remember you can not love someone more then they love themselves most avoidants put on a good front but they are just as insecure as any other person with attachment issues they are just very good at masking how they really feel ,they carry an I am defective and not good enough wounds so keep that in mind...good luck
@uniquedavenport thank you for the response as well. I am currently working on myself. I'm in therapy for my anxious attachment style, and getting on some medication on the 22nd "first chance to get in" for my anxiety. I started family therapy with my son and ex wife "not my Avoidant ex" as well. I've joined a gym due to some health problems I've recently discovered. Im up for a promotion at work.I'm taking steps to get where I want to be. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for her to come back. At the same time that I love her, I'm so incredibly angry that she would treat me like this. Truthfully I feel she has treated me less than dirt, and this does not seem like the person I knew. I'm not trying to justify it by saying that. It's like someone flipped a switch on her. If she had these feelings or not, I thought everything was OK.if we had discussed her most recent feelings everything could have been worked out. We lived together for the last year, and when I got the last of my stuff she had already removed all my photos. I know I can't go back in time and make things happen a certain way, but to go from making life plans together to not wanting to ever see me again is a hard pill to swallow. I have never met someone who could turn off their feelings like that before. When I got the last of my things we hugged, and kissed several times romantically. She didn't initiate, i did, but she did kiss me back. She told me she loved me, and that I was the love of her life, but she couldn't be with me. She started crying, and I asked her why. She said it was because she was hurting me. How can she really love me, and still do this? I want nothing else for her to heal her wounds also. I was all for giving her space also. But over night "to me at least", she has convinced herself and even insinuating that we will not be together again. She has even said she doesn't see a future with us. But at the same time I'm the love of her life? I know I don't deserve to be treated this way. I take 100% ownership of my faults. I know sometimes I'm a lot. I understand that, and was actually taking steps before any of this happened. That still doesn't mean I deserve this. I was loving, supportive, faithful, non argument, hard working etc. I'm very self-aware. I want her to do her therapy and work also, but truthfully I think she isn't going to. Even though she said she wants to be single so she can work on herself. 2 weeks before this happened I found out a coworker who knew she was in a committed relationship had asked her out anyway. She said no.i had asked her if I wasn't in the picture if she would be interested in this guy, and she said no also. Even though I would like to think that she is being truthful, it's still in the back of my mind. I'm wondering if she broke up with me to have a fling with that p.o.s. It's a weird feeling to be so in love with someone and so angry at the same time. This woman has been through everything with me. She has helped me with so much in my personal life, and been there for me through so much. Then all of a sudden I didn't matter anymore, and she didn't care about me, or us. Sorry for the long response, but I needed to vent. As much as I try to make sense of it, I can't wrap my head around it. My therapist knows that she had still been telling me she loved me up until I went no contact, but said it seemed like she was doing it as a way of control. The person I know wouldn't do that, or flip on a switch like this. She has always had a hard time expressing her positive emotions, but I've never seen her just change like this. Anyway, that's all I've got. I'm just very hurt, and looking for answers I may never get.
@@haydenstorm30I’m going through nearly the exact same thing. He’s 51 & his longest relationship before me was 3 years.. we broke up 3 years ago and after no contact & him hearing I was dating again, he literally begged me back. After listing my boundaries etc we got back together. Exactly 3 years later, actually, 1 day shy of 6yrs total, he repeated the cycle. So his cycle is max 3yrs. We made it to 6 & would probably be able to work it out until 3 more years Lol but he said the same thing she said to you.. that he is being selfish so he needs to let me go, as I deserve better. He knows he has an issue and needs therapy but he’s too avoidant to even look in that direction. Therefore he is premeditatedly going to continue to hurt his relationships forever. I am so in love with him, and he even said he loves me with his whole heart and that I’m the love of his life and that he will likely never ever meet anyone like me again…but it’s him, not me. 😑 they don’t know why they do it, they just know they do. We never fought and stuff either and had a perfect relationship except for this 3 year cycle😅 it gets tiring, and I’m getting older out here wasting 6 yrs. I wouldn’t really say it’s wasted bc I have so many good things from it, but ton continue on this mad cycle is insanity. I want him to get therapy, he won’t, yet I still consider getting back on this same ride.
DAs dont regret and come back genuinely, they just love hovering..to test the waters again with you for a short time then leave at their convenience.
Advice on what to do if we still live together. Separate bedrooms of course but shaving the same house.
Depends on the relationship dynamic but if you're both technically separated within the same house then I'd try limited contact. Keep conversations casual and colloquial, and limit how much you talk about the relationship, unless of course you're talking about getting back together
thank youuuu
If you always do what always did, you'll always get what you always got!
I like an avoidant, but this may be my second one that I am chasing or pursuing
Thanks Charlie for the video, it helps a lot, idk what im dealing with at the beginning until i saw your video.
He said “this only 8 months, its not 2 or 3 years. You become this much suffering. Think if it gets longer?”
My whole life started crumbling down from there.
Anyway, its just a week. Im still bleeding inside, feeling all the emotions all at once. Sometimes wondering how if im not survive tomorrow. Still trembling and emotionally shaking.
Had the best 2 months ever with an avoidant guy. He told me he had trauma, but I didn’t see it before. I’m an avoidant myself too, so we were taking things very slow in which I rejected him very much (he wanted to come over, I kept saying no). I think he felt so rejected that his feelings went away out of fear of rejection. Last weekend we spontanaously wanted to go on a hollyday. We were so happy that we were becoming more and more secure with eachother. And then… 1 day later. He ended it all. We have no contact now, but I feel awful. I started seeing him as my future boyfriend, my love for him grew every single day. He felt like he was losing himself loving me, so I’m giving him space now to find himself again. I just hope with whole my heart he will come back.
Hey.. I’m in the same situation
Let’s be strong and work on ourselves 💗 let life be
Let things come, or not…
Saying this to kinda persuade myself but I really hope he will come back to me as well..
@@hori6373 I hope he will! For me he did come back, but he is still super anxious. We want to go for each other but it just doesn't feel the same. He is more reserved and I just feel when we're not together that he is doubting the situation. I want to go to therapy, but the waitinglists are so long...
In a similar boat... I made it clear where I stood. We both did. And yet here we are, I'm left in the dark. It's so hurtful even when I know it's not my fault/not about me.
@@ijustneedmyself we are boyfriend and girlfriend now! 2 months later. It’s still a very very bumpy road, but he started therapy yesterday to face his fears of commitment. I know he wants to grow with me. Hopefully everything will be okay. Makes me realise I have a lot to learn aswell: letting go of control and being okay with whatever outcome and focus on myself and giving myself selflove❤️
Why would you want them back, after you got over them?
Right!!!!
I have begged for 6months. I cried and cried. But he said it was a drama. Behave rude and said im valueless, and he will marry soon. He changed his number. Even blocked me from everywhere.
I must say your captions attract to watch your videos 😂
Take things slow until you find the right one, thank me later.
When an avoidant is just a friend and does this, it's hard not to take it personally, even though what's going on with him probably has little to do with me. At least I've taken this loss as grist for the therapy mill, and continue to work on my own fearful-avoidant attachment style. (Any why I keep gravitating to DA types.) We were new friends, so it's tough to realize it's more likely he's not going to reconnect. We share some stomping grounds so am hoping an accidental run in won't be too awkward.
Thanks for talking about this. I have been facing such an issue with a friend too. We almost got off the ground with a relationship but didn't really. I felt I was the one who was more invested, him being emotionally numb. It is very hard to not take it personally; i have understood or in the process of understanding that they really are that way, and not much to do with me. Even if it is, a lot of it is about their issues with intimacy and real bonds. They don't even realise at times, and even if they do, they have a hard time getting over their own barriers.
I had a guy pull away after I asked "when will I see you again" after he asked to see me twice in three days and said "we'll text when our next date is". Anything can be too much... seems hard to imagine he just faked the attraction but you never know
I don’t understand. How can they go from no contact to seeing how much we’ve changed - if we’re no contact with them and don’t post info on our social media nor face friends in common? Doesn’t make sense how that could happen w zero communications in any way. ??
In cases like that, they wouldn’t know immediately unless they reach out to you directly and you catch up with them. Usually just the nostalgia of the last relationship is what’s bringing them back
Usually when a guy ghost you or block you per phone but leave other social media , there is a strong chance it’s another woman either a ex girlfriend or new girlfriend and he can’t have the decency to give you an explanation, that is a lousy, coward move. Then when they try to come back because it wasn’t as green on the other side and he obviously has mental issues to think you would want him back. What goes around, comes around…
It's difficult to let go someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 3 years ended, but I couldn't just let he go I did all I could to get him back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counsellor who helped me bring he back, his contact below this comment.
While we’re going NC and hope that they miss us, I was wondering if should stay off Messenger (with others) so he doesn’t ‘see’ me there and take comfort in that, and therefore not miss me?? Does that make sense?
Yes, I'd block him there if possible. He will probably derive comfort seeing you there. He needs to *feel* the fear and the LOSS of you. He needs to feel he can't have you. You've disappeared from his life.
I began focusing on myself after getting dumped, and my ex noticed this so she ignored all communication and unfollowed me from social media. When we had a closure talk a couple of weeks after the breakup, and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship - found out she lied and she was already in a committed relationship with someone else. Called her out and she denied it and blocked me, so I guess that's the end of that.
Dang, how long were you guys together for?
Shall we wait until they reach out or can we reach out ourself after a bit of time in nc?
when will the avoidants work on themselves too? especially if the anxious attacher is doing it.
Sometime's they don't. If they do, it either happens because they perceive a great loss in their life in the form of a breakup or divorce and understand they need to change, or they accept that something isn't right much later in life and that's when they start. I've seen both, and when they start I've seen them become very enthusiastic about changing
i was with a paranoid schizophrenic / fearful avoidant i was always there for him i broke up with him after a year and 1/2 because he couldn't commitment i broke my own heart there and we were friends for 8 months and then we wrer dating agian in own words he was the one that said we dating and i got a text saying he coming to get his stuff and then he blocked me its been 7 months before the text he told me he will always have a soft spot in his heart for me and that i was always there when he really need me do think he will ever come back
Schizophrenic, avoidant, anxious..these are demons oppressing people. Jesus saves us from demons.
I’m an avoidant and we don’t come back once we finally realise the other person doesn’t understand us. Being single feels safer, no matter how much we loved our partner. This stuff is deeply rooted in childhood
Eff you all. Honestly.
Be a good sport and don't date if you haven't healed
What if you felt like the other person finally understood you? I’m curious if that would make a difference. I feel as though many people watching these videos are working on understanding their avoidant exes
Hey Charlie,
Been following you for a while now, love the content!
I have a question:
Could you perhaps help how can one better communicate their feelings, needs and boundaries in relationships? Could you recommend any books or anything where it's possible to learn on improving those things?
A great book that worked for me was “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” By Nedra Glover Tawwab. It goes into great detail on how to set boundaries, including examples of how to phrase them, and what to do when boundaries aren’t respected. Definitely recommend!
@@healingwithcharlie Thanks so much for your response!
Im going through this right now. My heart is in peices. We were together for 3.5 years. He outright refuses to acknowledge or accept he is a DA. Im really not doing ok. He crushed me and discared me like a peice of garbage. I dont have anyone to talk to and im in a pretty dark place right now. He was my best friend. 😢
It's difficult to let go someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 3 years ended, but I couldn't just let he go I did all I could to get him back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counsellor who helped me bring he back, his contact below this comment.
His RUclips channel @droman01
Jesus is your best friend. Turn to Christ.
Note: my ex WANTED me to "need" him. I wanted to go slow but he INSISTED I be more emotionally vulnerable. IT WAS a trap. A sick trap - so I want to reattract him so I can AVOID him hahaha its f*cking game on. Not that he will care - but its a way for me to feel like i get an ounce of dignity back. And he definitely wont expect me to avoid him.
I think you missed the “don’t do it for revenge” part
@@roundabout4531 🤣 but I want revengaaaaahh!!!!
@roundabout4531 actually I know I can't get revenge because he literally doesn't care. But I have stopped chasing him - which is atleast saving some dignity. I'm letting go sooner than later let's say.
I don't want the person who broke up with me back. I want the one I was in a relationship with. To me they seem like two separate people and I can't help but to be obsessed about blaming them
It’s a natural feeling to have after a breakup. It’s all part of grief and acceptance. In between there can be feelings of anger and disappointment. Let them pass through naturally as best you can, they’re healthy emotions to have
@@healingwithcharlie Thank you for your kind response. I am just dealing with a lot of judgment towards myself because I think I should have moved on already (it‘s been exactly a year) and I am still hanging on to it. I do not want to judge or blame them anymore because it only hurts me. Anyway: This too shall pass ✨
usually, how many days or weeks does it take for them to get back ? i know there is no specific answer, but what is the average or the range
On average they can come back within 3-6 months, however some have come back over 1 year later
My boyfriend and I broke up recently, and we had minor problems from my part, considering I'm anxiously attached, and he's avoidantly attached. I've tried to convince him that we can make it work, but he's just so done with the relationship, and says he doesn't want it. He said he felt bound and exhsusted, and that now his days are better. Are there chances of him coming back? He still texts me good morning. We have same friend group and same class. Will he come back?
don't go back to a guy who makes you stressed instead of blessed
I was discarded by them over text on a Sunday. This was confirmed when we saw each other in person on Monday. (We work together) they were extremely cold and said they wanted to completely detach. So no contact started then. Then Wednesday of the same week, I get a message saying they left a gift in my work locker..?! Like why? Is this normal avoidant behavior? I’m beyond confused. I didn’t respond to the message, I don’t want to accept the gift
No contact. Don't take the gift
do nothing unless you get some sign of actual remorse
Don't let them back, they'll destroy your emotions and constantly blame you. You don't need that BS in your life.
He sounds sick. Don't let him back. You're not a doormat.
Push - pull "The breakup" = taking everything and leaving once a week.
Waiting for the avoidant is not worth it. In the same time the avoidant discards you and then come back (to discard you again sometime in the near future) you could've begun two or three relationships with secures or anxious attachments and those do have the chance to endure more time and be more stable.
Avoidants turn even secure types into anxious because they crush you down so much :( So think a lot before you welcome him (or her) back for a re-run. If the avoidant wont chance what will become better?
What are the chances of him coming back if he was actually looking for partner & commitment however pulled away badly when I expressed my emotions for him intensely. He seemed to like me a lot however Suddenly he said he cannot risk attachment.
In the silence, I have come to see that he's just not what I'm looking for, just not what I want.
It's difficult to let go someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 3 years ended, but I couldn't just let he go I did all I could to get him back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counsellor who helped me bring he back, his contact below this comment.
His RUclips channel @droman01
I would not bother
ah its too late, i tried too hard to get her to come back
What if it ended rather explosively and some very hurtful things were said? They don’t recover from insults and mean words as readily. Though maybe this is a part of any breakup like this
Does a guy ever forget his first true love 😊😊
What about disorganized attachment?
Fearful avoidant is the same as disorganized. Feardyl dismissive is the most commonly thought of avoidant style.
Counseling or Therapy, not the gym. Heal & grow from the inside first. Just my opinion.
What if they r doing well in life career and rebounded also?
3yr relationship with fearful avoidant split in September came back late November then deactivated early January after going away now very dismissive reading msgs not responding not sure what to do
Move on. You deserve so much better
@@terryseufert5011 easier said then done
I'm on year 5. Won't change I'm afraid. Really thought I was getting somewhere amazing.... even had a proposal. nope he's gone again. Acting like I do not even exist which just makes me feel like I actually don't. I didn't do anything. Wasn't even being needy as I've learnt not to.
best advice I can give you? Start flirting with someone new. Don't actually DO anything. But mine is crazy jealous and possessive which Is ironic when acting like I don't exist. It's worth a shot. They tend to want what other people want. Shallow like that.
@FreshStart2024-qg8zm we met on Saturday had a good time bowling didn't bring up relationship said we will go out again then when dropped her off she gave me a valentine gift then a cuddle then freaked and went into full avoidant
Does my head in
So confusing
should i delete him off my social media if we are on a break? so he actually misses me
I always was better off when he wasn't around. I'd always be doing my thing.. he said it's your way or the highway..no idea because all I'd say is do u fancy a call..of u call that ur way the highway.. nah I prefer my space and met half way.. as a FA
¿What happen if he cheated on you ? He decided to go for the other girl....
What if they jump to someone else right away?
It can happen! Sometimes called “leapfrogging”, “tree-branching” or “rebounding”. Moving on to someone else quickly can be part of the relief phase they experience during no contact. The other person usually serves as a distraction from the last relationship and consequently the emotional processing that’s often required with detaching and moving on from someone. It doesn’t mean they still can’t come back, but it could also mean they haven’t done the emotional work if they do come back
You could also get some help on why you attracted a fearful avoidant. Haha. 🎉
How do they see improvement and become interested again when we’re no longer in touch???
They can ask common friends about you, lurk your social media, or they may just reach out to you directly and by “catching up” it can happen
@@healingwithcharlieI don’t use social media. No friends in common.
If they dumped you and did the avoidant cut-and-run routine, force them to make the concerted effort of reaching out and asking about things if you wish to reconcile. Even if you want to get back together, it’s best to not make it seem like the door’s always open. If they want to get back together, make them work to build back your trust.
@@sonictextures force them, how? Are u referring to no contact? We haven’t broken up, the words haven’t been spoken. We barely see one another anyway, it’s mostly a texting relationship. But he’s pulling away, probably bc I gently and lovingly asked him to open up, tell me what happened in his past. No communication on either side more than 2 weeks now. I miss him. Don’t know what to do from here. 😢 Thoughts?
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w Oh, I thought you had already broken up. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You should try to address the present state of your relationship before jumping ahead to a scenario in which you’re broken up. I don’t know exactly how you are communicating with your partner, but a healthy relationship is not one built on avoidance of intimacy. I mean, the fact that this is over text and not even a phone call or FaceTime is really telling of strained intimacy. It’s about the least intimate way you could communicate with another person after carrier pigeon. You should just call your partner, check in with them, and try to get together in person to talk. If they screen your call, leave a voicemail. If they don’t respond or acknowledge the call, then you send a text to see what’s going on. It sounds like you know where this relationship is headed. But respect yourself enough to push for an in-person conversation to end the relationship. It’s the more adult, emotionally mature thing to do.
So, three weeks post break-up, finally my ex avoidant dumper reached out to me.
His statement was:
"Hi. If you want to talk, call me tom. You initiated this so i am not calling. I want to resolve this as I am not happy and I miss you."
What are your thoughts???
Should I answer him?
Should I tell him that he needs to go to therapy? 😕
If they want to talk, they can call you. Putting it on you when they dumped you is BS. You need to stand on your square and make them come to you.
@philipramsden4975 Yeah, I don't understand. He's acting like a baby 👶
It's difficult to let go someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 3 years ended, but I couldn't just let he go I did all I could to get him back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counsellor who helped me bring he back, his contact below this comment.
I tried so hard.
How long should no contact be?
Depends on your goal. If you want to completely detach and don’t want them back, at least 60 days to forever. If you’d like to try again with them in the future, then at least 60-90 days before communicating with them
The amount of time isn’t as important as the work that’s done during no contact. Some people can do a lot of self work in a short span of time, some may need more so it depends on those factors too
Can they come back after a rebound? How long do rebounds usually last?
They can but it’s important to consider if you’ll still want them back when it happens. Rebounds don’t usually last, but they can still become short term relationships (ie. anywhere from 6+ months long).
A rebound relationship is under pressure the dumper new relationship does see that they will after limarance typically a few months get comfortable and make the same mistakes and the spark might go too grass is not greener on the other side without healing first
They always comeback after a rebound… Mine came back a month after i found her cheating and she hit me with “we are too different”… did NC only to found out her telling me that the rebound was “too different” too lmao
Sorry this is bad news but I just need to add balance to the argument that "rebounds never last." I met someone soon after a breakup and was with that person for 6 years. I'm only saying this cos it annoys me when stereotypes are presented like they're a rule.
sure, if it didn't work out. they are selfish and just want what they need
Does this work for intense short term relationship ? We’ve been together for 2 Month, and it was very intensely
Possible. Most men come back sooner or later. Turn to the Lord for guidance.
@@danilaroche1156 she is a woman
Some advice please.. My wife and i have been married for three years.. i am anxious and she is aviodent.. She left me once for 2 months. And wanted me to come back.. Then after about a month she left for a night.. Then about two month's after that she left well i was at work.. And said we need to be separated for six month's then it changed to six month's or more now it has changed to around a year.. She says she wants this to work on our ourselves to better our marriage.. Please help...
This is rough
I hope you’re doing better. Reading this hurt my heart… it’s so hard, impossible, to connect and understand someone who struggles to communicate, doesn’t share their feelings and runs away
Who is the avoidant I am curious 😂😂
Not true what if they go bk to their ex for their kids and meeting other people enjoying their freedom
Mine went back to his ex-fiancé. I dont think he's coming back. Part of me doesn't want him back.
gents, the truth is out , she walked or ran away because you did not fill her needs, not enough x y z , no drama , your not here to make her happy, its her loss. nbr 1 thing keep your health , assets and above all your finances. she is probbaly sleeping around or has already lined up your replacement. be civil , keep in touch but dont let her into your lair , its your safe place, shame it never worked but move on and have a good life atb brothers x
He told me he can't meet my needs, I was so inlove with him and didn't mind the breadcrumbs. My car broke down and I was said, and needed comfort but he became so aggressive demanding s*x, I was not mentally there. I realized he meant it when he said he can't meet my needs. He screamed at me, slammed the door in my face, told me he didn't want me there to begin with and I should leave and never come back. I left I was so disappointed with myself why I accepted someone not emotionally available for me
It's a nice video, and so in time. Thank you! I love the name of the channel. Subscribed.
😅😅😅 maybe goodbye, I don’t want you back
Avoidant are like the gold diggers of energy ! Sounds like it !
Pfff if he ever comes back he needs to get therapy or I am not taking him back.
It's difficult to let go someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 3 years ended, but I couldn't just let he go I did all I could to get him back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counsellor who helped me bring he back, his contact below this comment.
His RUclips channel @droman01
They just rebound after a month or monkey branched. To get the dopamine hit again.
Many avoidants can rebound because of a dopamine cycle but I’ve also spoken to some avoidants that just so happened to find their “person” during that time and it worked out in the end. Obviously those were not as common but it’s happened more than I initially realized
@healingwithcharlie She said she needed to be alone at the time of the break up and said I violated a boundary. She didn't trust me. I was about to move in at the time. She had a few male orbiters, men that were in friendzone. I did address this early in the relationship but I don't know if she kept in contact with them. She's been blocking me and unblocking me on social media even though her accountis private. Looks like she has doubled down on her creature comforts with her fitness. Adding lots of fitness people and posting of her achievements. Has blocked my WhatsApp while in NC but has not blocked my families numbers. Her family are still friends with me on social media. Her brother said she'll probably come back once she realizes what she had. Leading up to the break up she was still saying things about the future with me in it. But throughout the relationship she would be hot/ cold. As she is on anti depressants there would be days she'd struggle to cope. Just over 2 months NC
As an AP I'm in therapy to try and change my attachment.
Ps I like the way you explain things. Makes understanding easier. Also makes it easier when chatting to my therapist as they know the correct action to take in becoming more secure. Thank you Charlie. 👍🏻
No sound on any of your videos I've tried watching?
The dating scene is disgusting nowadays, I don’t even bother to date, been in celibacy for two years. Modern women are awful.
Because modern men are worse.
@@dannidazzle Nah, you just choose bad men.
@MiloSatori wow your so clever....obviously why you have such luck finding a good woman yourself.
@@dannidazzle take a look at any mgtow videos and you’ll realize what I’m talking about.
Anyways I’m not dating anyone here in USA.
No thanks but I appreciate the suggestion you should check out all the news stories about the passport Bros being scammed and stories of women getting a visa then leaving for the next best man have fun 😌