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My father likes to dictate music to me on my sax and build game ideas like mine but better because he thinks stuff that he thinks is educational is fun and he expects to do noble work rather than join me to make my game.
This keeps referring to relationships. What about parents that are like this? Do you any on parent Narcissists? Adult kids need help. Especially if they decide no contact once boundaries aren’t followed.
Everytime I expressed something they said “same here” and also repeated my own sentences back to me multiple times.. and I was like are you okay? Do you not have your own feelings? Idk why they parrot your own words back to you..
@@bl4478It's a way to "draw you in" for control or they do it to deflect what you're saying. That's my hypothesis although in my experience it's sometimes preemptive and set up to attack or manipulate you later.
With a lot of life experience behind me now, this is my BIGGEST red flag. Anyone who is playing (or even insinuating being) the victim card as a means of trying to get to know me is out. Just out. I have already fallen for this WAY too many times. Normal spectrum people simply do not do this. Period. This is a clear cut indicator the person is looking for a mother - not a partner. Nope 👎
Spent 8 and a half years with someone just like that. I felt sorry for her 'stories' and tried to fix her. The greatest mistake I ever made till date. And I'm beginning to know all these terms and theories about narcissism after going to a psychologist.
@@InvisibleWarrior279yes mine would always whine the help me help me card, so uncool and no one to help me 2 kids to take care of and worn right out, I've my own situations I proudly try to resolve in my own, he'd grab my top too rough then call me friggid, do you have to do that to confirm I'm not your mother or shall I breast fed you? All ok now but they are tiresome! 😊
@@normanclatcher Sure. I'm an aspie with all the core traits, but tend towards more broader ideas or deeper subjects in conversation that do not pertain to individual persons - Something narcs seem either indifferent to or absolutely loathe.
@@HoundXVI yep. I'm just sayin', the loathing is _mutual_ in that case, and they *_won't_* outlast me if I ever get started on my _own_ trivial interests.
9:17 A huge red flag and automatic deal breaker for me in friendships is when a friend bad mouths another person behind their back but is nice to their face. If they’re doing it to that other person, they’ll probably do it to me eventually.
Yeah I had a narc carefully only backhandedly trash talk about me, “I’m worried about her…” 🙄🙄 meanwhile would say awful stuff about the others to me as a way to bait me to see if of say something bad about them. Narcissists are getting better at it.
"You don't want to find yourself stuck in the situation where you're wasting years of your life waiting for someone to be willing to stop acting in hurtful ways" Too late, wish I knew about narcissism sooner.
it’s so devastating all the pain all the wasted time then realizing it was coming from your most trusted loved ones, then you have to realize that they did it on purpose that they enjoyed watching you suffer and then you have to try to get over it. You have to try to stay safe if it were not others out here like us and support groups I would’ve never gotten free. And the sad thing is sometimes I long for the days where I didn’t believe it was just me and I was bad because at least then, if it were my fault, I wasn’t dangerous and to realize my mother could do. This is very life-changing, I know none of us will ever see life the same way
I am so, so happy for you 💓!!! It's never too late to be joyful and enjoying your life 💖! Have fun and scoop up all of the love and light you can hold! 🥳👑🪬🫂
My covert narc mom ticks every box. Will "confide" in you about everything "wrong" with everyone else, and will poison others against you behind your back. All personal information, opinions, emotions, reactions are weaponized against you. In the absence of that, she just makes stuff up and lies. Complains that people are cold, distant, and evasive toward her, yet doesn't have the self-awareness to understand why. It's something "wrong" with that other person.
My covert narc mother has spent her life spewing negativity about everyone. It's non-stop vitriol. She always plays the victim and stirs the pot. Looking back on my childhood I now understand why I don't know any of my cousins or extended family. I have no contact with her since she concocted the most atrocious lies about me and my husband and turned my father against me. I always knew she didn't love me but I actually thought my dad did. He definitely felt like the safer parent despite his faults. I think of all the times I protected him from her vindictive emotional and psychological abuse when he was ill. She was so cruel and insulting towards him. It's sad that he couldn't stand up to her. And really sad that he turned his back on me when he knows how abusive she is. To say I feel betrayed is an understatement. I've mourned them both.
I'm so sorry; no matter how awful they were, there has to be some pain, perhaps a sense of loss, as well as the betrayal, mixed in with some hurt that remains, and finally, a loss of hope for things to ever be different, a final dream that des with the hope. I hope that you have a ife of love and joy without all of the weight of the baggage they tried to strap on to you to carry around. 💝🪬🤗
You've just described my mother. She would always say "this is confidential, but" before she would tell their personal business that they shared with her.
One of the best indicators is that they are extremely quick to dismiss and avoid any issue or something they've done wrong, they cannot handle it at all. They don't discuss real solutions or ways they could improve, and often just declare that everything was already resolved behind the scenes and you're the one who's in the wrong for not noticing (the work they haven't actually done).
100% - it's always a problem that they caused and everyone in their household is reacting to it in a negative way - they NEVER talk solutions or how they could turn things around. The family members who are reacting negatively are then called, "disrespectful".
That's essentially how you spot covert narcs. If anyone disagrees with them, causes them shame, suggests they're doing something wrong... the mask slips and they attack.
yeah, “we’re not gonna rehash that again.” “get over yourself already” “ the world doesn’t revolve around you”. meanwhile, we never ‘hashed’ anything in the first place and it wasn’t like I was upset about something minor. and the only thing they’re upset about is that you dare to be upset
@@rwdchannel2901 and of course it doesn’t go the other way my parents love to bring up what I did when I was 15 which by the way I now realize was just me desperately trying to find some comfort and I would go to my friends houses and hang out with their parents and mine could’ve cared less. They didn’t guide or help me learn lessons. I was either told I was bad told I was a problem or my “bad” was an excuse for their bad behavior.
@shelleypegram, that's exactly what I realised. My nex, a huge victim but all the things they did for others! My mother was a victim in childhood, turned into a huge victim martyr in adulthood whilst claiming how great she is and everything she does. They're never the problem, everybody else is .
When they feel comfortable with you then they'll dump all their whiny complaints about everyone else on you, too. They'll crap all over entire groups of people, regularly. They're hyper critical of others, and you're next on their crap list.
You are so right. I heard my narcissist being critical and rude about her friends and family members for years. I remember listening to her moaning about her mother-in-law for a whole evening. Not only was it uninteresting and disrespectful, it made me wonder what she said about me when I wasn't there!
They live in a fantasy world. Delusional at minimum. They will take your Money, Energy, Attention, Time, until all is depleated from you. Me feels seriously messed up 😢
I had a rude awakening 3 years ago to a "friend" . I educated myself about narcissism, only to realize I was also married to one. Once I saw the truth, I could not look the other way and my imaginary world required enormous changes. I'm divorced and no longer living in that town. It took about 2 years to come to terms with my issues (common denominator thing), yet I have no interest whatsoever in dating or going back into any social circle. Some people refer to me as a recluse, but I really don't care.
we’ve had so much crazy for so much time. I think it is normal and needed and understandable you wanna isolate and process it’s like we live in a parallel universe and it looks like everybody else’s but theirs has regular people and everyone’s doing regular human things and then there’s ours. where we know depths of true evil that we could never imagine. now I realize I was always running frantic to look busy or try to please my mom, I’m almost thinking sometimes when I think I’m sad, it’s just that I’m peaceful and I really have not experienced pure peace ever.
@@rock20055 He's like a ghost that keeps haunting. Yesterday, I received a petition for spousal support. He's 86 years old, has no expenses and lives with his brother. All the feelings of resentment were resurrected. All I can say is, if you suspect you're with a narcissist, run far away. I was his caretaker, breadwinner, housecleaner, cook and medical advocate for 10 years and he still wants to bleed me dry. And this man attends AA daily. Needless to say, i quit attending.
You should live your life your way, but your current way of thinking is a typical trauma response to narcissistic abuse. If I were you, I would either do therapy with a psychologist or if I would want it for free, then I would seek out other victims and talk with them. If you do what you typed, you might never heal and end up alone. I wish the best for you!
This was said during the love bombing phase: "If people look at you and my ex, people can tell that I don't date women for their looks". When asked what he meant by that, "Oh, I mean I date women for their personality". By the third year of the relationship (which came after the ghosting and breadcrumbing phase), it turned into outright demeaning, "My friend xyz was asking me why I was with a girl as ugly as you". I have been out of that 'relationship' for six years, healing for three and only woke up to the reality of it this year. The scariest thing is that the denigration and breakdown of sense of self continues even after the relationship ends.
@@normanclatcherYou are quite mistaken if your comprehension of the entire comment is that it revolves around beauty. The kudos was um, sarcastic. Try learning about emotional abuse instead of hijacking people sharing their experience and making it about yourself.
@@thetuckinlady ...maybe it's _you_ who need to re-read your own comment. It's all about _whoever's ugly on the inside here,_ right? ...but again, you were the one phrasing it *in* such terms from the _start,_ so, what else was I supposed to think? There aren't enough lines for me to read between for it for me to draw any other conclusion other than: vain language -> personal beauty preferences -> _shallow._ Had nothing to do with anything else he's said or done, and those weren't brought up. You're now asking _me_ to conduct anything more than a surface-level analysis of that? ...Not a chance. And _wow, yes,_ the kudos _were_ sarcastic, _in _*_both_*_ directions..?_ Literally _shocking,_ I tells ya. Gave ya the option of having you thought I accepted them _sincerely,_ because, well, no, I was _wanting_ to. ...but nah, I just stumbled across another bitter and vain ex here, didn't I. Can't possibly accept even that maybe he _did_ have a point...? Personality and 'ugly,' coming from you? ...already, he might even be more in the right than you think. Thus always to fragile egos, too. Wanna talk about emotional abuse? I _would,_ but I truly don't think you've "grown up" enough to handle that kind of a conversation. ...yup, you're quite possibly the vanest person I've spoken to, all month. I don't even know why I bothered typing this comment...? ...oh, right, *no, lol,* you said "try learning about" as if that isn't my exact _DAILY. FREAKING. _*_STRUGGLE._* over here. Don't want to get 'hijacked,' eh? That's rough. _Real_ rough. *Real* mature. Maybe he _was_ a true narc, but I betcha dollars-to-donuts that you _also_ got what you deserved, in the end. ...how's *_that_* for 'sarcastic.' 😙
This is *exactly* my mother. If I ever disagreed with her, even about anything benign, she would literally scream at me, point out some random unrelated "flaw" she perceived that I had, then hang up on me or leave the room. Cutting all ties with her was the best decision of my life.
I told a covert narcissist that I got my military promotion 20 years after I got out of the military(which is unheard of). The covert narcissist said that it wasn't that big of deal. Anything else I told the covert narcissist about myself, he always knew someone else who did it way better.
Yep.. because they're jealous and don't know how to handle their feelings of inadequacies. An achievement by someone else is a reminder of what they haven't achieved, and their fragile ego can't handle feeling inadequate or inferior in that moment.. so they cater to their ego by trying to devalue you so they can temporarily feel better about themselves in that brief moment of false superiority
1. Mixed messages: They ask for help or advice and either do not follow or ignore the help / advice or argue / question it in a dismissive or condescending way.
@@susanlovesjava4961 Sure , but if you think that a person does not give you good advices, you stop asking, if you are a normal person and not a narcissist whose main goal is to humiliate people.
N: This person is stalking me telling me I got her pregnant. She is 100% lying. What do you think? Me: I don’t know lol N: YO WHAT DO YOU THINK?? Me: If you think she’s crazy, your standard is low. If you’re not happy with the quality of the people you associate with, you might wanna raise your standard. N: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO? THAT RIGID ATTITUDE AND LACK OF EMPATHY PUSH PPL AWAY, YOU WILL HAVE ZERO FRIENDS. Me: Seriously? 😂 Frankly I don’t mind that. I’m happy with the people I have around me. N: You look down on other people, saying she is of low quality. You also claim my discernment is wrong. Me: Dude I don’t know this person nor am I telling you what to do. I’m not the one dissing her either. I realized I’d been dealing with a fucking narcissist, and I told him he didn’t deserve me as a friend. He believed it was MY loss. Hilarious 😂
Even if the covert doesn't think your boundaries apply to them - I always assured them that they did. (It's like they felt that they were entitled to special treatment) always at my expense.
Though...I would make a distinction between testing your boundaries and trampling them. People test all the time; it's how they find out where they really are. Kids do it even. I feel very safe with certain people I'm thinking of who DO poke from time to time at my boundaries to see if they're solid...but never cross them, ridicule me for having them, or make like I"m unreasonable when I enforce them. I feel zero resentment at that testing...in a way, I appreciate the honesty in our interactions. And yet, the covert narc "tests" in a different way...by outright crossing the line and demeaning you for having a line. It's totally different. I'm not sure why, but when Christina was talking about this I was thinking about the difference between the boundary testing done by one of my favorite people in the world, and that done by the narc's in my life. And it's SO different, the whole feel is different. Though some would probably say to red flag even the one I feel safe with.... I really liked her advice though, to listen to that gut feeling of resentment. You'll know it when it's toxic boundary testing. Like in the case you mention, when they ridicule you for having boundaries. Toxic behavior grrrr.
When you ask them not to do something at work because it loads extra work onto your day, yet they feel they know/do better than you in your own job but can't stop themselves.
@@ginavourgarakis7156…isn’t that called gaslighting? I have a couple brothers in law that constantly do that to me. I hate it and am now calling them out on it!
She rightly identifies jealousy and resentment as motivating forces behind narcissistic abuse. Be sure that you understand that the person will not just come out and tell you, 'I'm generally bitter and resentful, and I will blame you if you give me the opportunity."
"I'm generally bitter and resentful, and if I have _reason_ to call you out on your $#!7, I will." "...but also, no, don't flatter yourself into thinking it's a _you_ thing. To quote a pair of song lyrics: 'pointing fingers 'cause you'll never take the blame like me,' and, the classic 'you're so vain; you prob'ly think this song is about you...'"
Mine flat out said he resents me because I’ve done so much in life and he hasn’t. The same week told me I was nothing and every other name he could muster. I had been recording Day and night because of the constant gaslighting. I was literally doubting my reality. When I think maybe one more try for the kids… I play that recording back and remind myself that staying gone is protecting the kids and myself.
FACTS 😭 when you never asked about NONE of what they are talking about 😁… but I believe it’s calculated because it gives someone not paying attention the notion that they are present
There is gossiping and there is sharing facts. For me gossiping is "Look at that person, what they are wearing, which car they drive. I am sure this person has some corpses in the basemeng by that look." Sharing facts is "Soundso neighbor cut my flowers in my backyard out of the blue. What an ahole behaviour, I will sue them for destroying my property."
An anecdote about someone who served me a very sneaky one: ski/snowboard trip with boyfriend and his bestie, who brought his new girlfriend to meet us. I don't really ski well, or do anything sporty well except swim. I have balance issues from a visual impairment plus a congenital inner ear problem, so I play it safe and I stick to the kids/beginners hills. I don't mind that others go off to more challenging stuff, I'm just happy to have a day off from work outside with friends. So prior to this girl coming along, everyone was cool with the arrangement. She's an excellent skier and snowboarder, and has competed seriously. I watch her playing around at the beginning and remark to our friend that new girl is so graceful and takented, she makes it look easy. Later while they're up on the hard hills, friend tells her about my compliment in an attempt to communicate that his friends all like her. She took offense to what I said and once they reached the bottom if the run, she huffs over to me asking wtf I meant by saying that. I said, I just meant it nicely, she's awesome at this and seems as if she finds it effortless, when a lot of people don't ski like her after decades of practice, and as for me, I just wasn't capable of that skill, and I admired it. This appeared to piss her off even more. She called me manipulative, passive aggressive. Said it was a backhanded compliment meant to belittle her. The rest of the day she was antagonistic and pouty. She said me making a big deal about what little bit I'd seen of her skills was condescending and sarcastic like I was "congratulating a para Olympian for mediocrity "ooohhh, goood jobbbbb Lisa, you didn't fall down!" That comment made me lose my temper for insinuating that I was being snotty as well as that there is something lacking in para Olympians, and the whole afternoon just went to hell from there. Suddenly my boyfriend was pushing me to try stuff beyond my comfort zone and when I said no, he got mad and cut the trip off early. We all left angry and of course I got blamed for sticking my foot in my mouth. I felt terrible, like I couldn't say anything right. Later, I was told by our friend that she was insulted because she had only been warming up. She thought that I was making fun of her, sarcastically saying she was really good when what I saw wasn't near where her skills actually are, just a warmup. Smh at the way she used righteous indignation and DARVO on me just to point out she was actually much better at skiing than I had seen. A very convoluted, sneaky, hostile way of putting me down and promoting herself when all she needed to say, what a healthy person would've said, is, "thanks! I've worked really hard to reach the level I'm at."
Ewww! Yesss! Perfect example. It z stunning how such a person can breathe poisonous vapor into everyone/everything around them. Suddenly u'r left standing there w mouth open thinking wtf z happening??!
Sorry you had to deal with it. Also I feel sorry for the girl, what a pathetic life she must live, seeing hostility everywhere and a dig on their abilities. Hopefully you don’t have to deal with that person any more!
Narcissism, the only toxic mental health issue that harms those the narcissistic person interacts with, more than them! It's really sick when you think about it. People you love harm you, elevate themselves and never have to take accountability, while their victims fall apart
Covert narcissists are creepy. Ever got the feeling someone is watching you while you are doing random things or talking to someone else? Then you look at them and they actually are staring at you like observing a study object in a cage.
Yep! My narc daughters mom does this to me all the time. Does it when I'm doing tasks around the house..waiting for the right moment to jump in and start criticizing how I'm doing it. When I clean myself up real nice she never compliments me but will give me the jealous death stare but expects me to compliment her when she cleans herself up real good. I don't do it. I live my life like I please and do lots of planned ignoring with her. Sometimes depending on my mood I will be a smart a$$ back to her when she starts crap with me. Ironically when I do she plays innocent victim role or mocks me saying where is my empathy? Don't you work with disabled people??? Lol. I just try to mind my own business but narcs won't let you..they will see you at peace and decide to disrupt by starting crap with you
For those of you wondering if you are a narcissist, you may occasionally do some of these things. That doesnt make you a narcissist, but it is behavior to try to improve. Your guilt over your mistakes or bad decisions is evidence that you arent a narcissist. You have the capacity for empathy and self reflection.
Unfortunately I can’t remember the creator that said this but it has STUCK with me because I was horrified and ashamed for SO long that I was the abuser, or my BPD was getting out of control/I was actually a narcissist misdiagnosed but “If you are wondering if YOU are the narcissist in the first place, you almost certainly aren’t; a narcissist sees no such thing and wouldn’t care enough to check, much less be genuinely DISTRESSED over it”
Unfortunately I can’t remember the creator that said this but it has STUCK with me because I was horrified and ashamed for SO long that I was the abuser, or my BPD was getting out of control/I was actually a narcissist misdiagnosed but “If you are wondering if YOU are the narcissist in the first place, you almost certainly aren’t; a narcissist sees no such thing and wouldn’t care enough to check, much less be genuinely DISTRESSED over it”
@@equin0x22415 exactly. Be kind to yourself, give yourself the benefit of the doubt. I struggle with that fear too, that im a covert narcissist or psychopath; but I was told similar by a Social Worker I was seeing for therapy. If you seek to improve, youre already better than you were
The first word out his mouth when I talk about something no matter the subject is NO and he constantly cuts me off and doesn't let me finish what I was saying. Then because he cuts me off takes what I'm saying out of context. We can never have a conversation to were it doesn't end up in an argument. He says things to me that I've mentioned in the past and twist it that I am at fault that I did those things and not him. Please whom ever you are in a relationship like mine get out of it. Don't waste half your life like I did.
From a stranger I’m sorry you experienced that, but I don’t believe it’s a waste, I think you’ve learned so many lessons, and maybe you’ve helped others out of similar situations… and I bet you are now zeroed in on any of those red flag signs, you’re a survivor, and so much stronger for it
"Slapped with a velvet glove" is a PERFECT description for the back-handed compliment!! For so long I thought I was just being overly sensitive and couldn't take a joke. It's so sly/subtle until you catch on. All of these are great tips to watch for, thank you!
I could not see my own compliance until I saw the entire picture in its truthfulness. This horrible stuff has been hiding in my subconscious as my shadow side.
there's so much you can see in hindsight, but it's impossible to see the full picture when you're wrapped up in it. There is a lot of opportunity for personal growth on the other side if you're willing to explore that stuff, though ❤️🙏
This is the key to turn it around. It takes a few more subconscious run ins with these monsters to develope the immunity and ability to be repulsed and shielded from them. It takes time and awareness. Good luck , on ward and upward friends...you are not alone.
You described my life with my narc husband. He makes me the bad guy after he exasperates me. Typically this looks like he asks questions, I answer him and he keeps it going, by repeating himself, I repeat the answers then suddenly I’m being disrespectful because I start to raise my voice because I’m tired of repeating myself. I literally can’t handle it anymore.
I've been married now for nearly 30 years. After losing all my friends, developing anxiety, being pushed into high pressure corporate jobs to support expensive habits, being love bombed then going to intimacy once or twice a year, not being able to visit my ageing parents and having to suffer the ridicule that her infidelity was because of me, I'm done. I've also been convinced that I'd never find anyone who would put up with my shit. But in a weird way, not unlike Stockholm Syndrome, I find it hard to accept that I can have a life which is any different to what I have now. I'm convinced that she is normal and I'm the root of all evil. I try to talk to her about my feelings and she shrugs it off and starts talking about a dress or shoes she bought. I sincerely empathize with you. It's genuinely a shit situation but I don't know any different.
@@fabioantonioli6300 would you be willing to get some counseling to build back your self worth after suffering so much emotionally with your narcissist? Narcissists aren’t interested in anybody feelings. Keep learning all you can about these people so you can be strong and have healthy boundaries.
I've always had to deal with these type of narcissists who simply didn't care if I'm interested. They started gossiping anyway and were upset when I didn't engaged or just listened and agreed. Thank god I've cut them all out of my life and live to my true nature now (lone wolf and happy about it).
One thing I noticed about my narcissistic ex (who I just broke up with 🎉) was that the victim complex applied to even little things in her everyday language. It was never just “I’m cold,” it was always “the apartment is cold,” meaning I had to be constantly changing the temperature instead of her putting on a sweater or something.
My covert narcissist mother mostly excuses being a shitty person with some health issue. She for sure has some health problems, but whenever she’s confronted about some crap she caused, she starts whining about her stomach issues, heart rate, bad sleep etc. It’s like a clockwork. There’s no signs of her feeling unwell. Someone asks why did she do X thing when specifically told not to. She gasps some air, grabs her stomach and starts whining how bad she feels, how she didn’t think clear because of her stomach etc. So, yep, playing the victim is not always blaming other people. Sometimes it’s also cold air or stomach to blame.
@@Trammiliin_nr2 someone or something to blame.. but them personally 😆... deflection. If she blames illness then she doesn't have to face any wrongdoings on her behalf.. which she can't handle. Fragile ego.
At about 3:00 minutes, you said “things do get better.” Well, I have to add, from my experience, they only get better if you divorce/leave the narcissist. The narcissist will never get better. Your marriage will never get better. Leave. Leave. Leave. And have zero contact.
FYI- it is good idea to ensure the person isn’t on the autism spectrum either. I unfortunately have a tendency to have one sided conversations and I hate small talk. Working on it, but am self conscious regarding it. But I’m not a covert narcissist 😕
Yeah, but are you full of contempt and arrogance? Do the rules never apply to you? Do you lack empathy and compassion? Are you unable to be held accountable for your actions?
@@BemaSeatAcademyno, but it’s hard to not feel this way for some considering society isn’t where it needs to be in identifying spectrum disorders. Hence my reply to this video.
Please remove all narcissistic entities from my life and entities that have ill intentions towards me. I am a Goddess of peace and light and I draw energy of peace and light to me.
They never show genuine joy or enthusiasm for your achievements because they see you excelling as a threat to their ego and this gets taken as a personal slight. They want to see you fail and fall short. That's when they'll pour all of their attention on you because it fulfills their need for you to be lesser than them. Watch for them being indifferent to your accomplishments and being enthralled by your failures.
I was recently ghosted (discarded) by a "friend" who has nearly all these characteristics. The ghosting occurred after a disagreement and a conversation that did not go her way. I see that she was using me to listen to her gossip, sometimes for hours. One warning sign I ignored was her shaming me for setting boundaries in the past.
I am not stating that she was not what you claim her to be, but I would advise you to look into these things as what you described could be similar: -avoidant personality disorder -anxious-avoidant personality disorder -ADHD could be similar in the "ghosting" part as they have this "out of sight, out of mind" way of not thinking -also, you described some standard healthy female behaviour
@@roberth4395 Thanks. This is something to consider. Characteristics of personality disorders can sometimes overlap. Diagnoses can be for mixed or non-specific personality disorders with mixed features. I have seen the person in question behave similarly with multiple people besides myself. I would have a hard time characterizing her behavior as normal or healthy.
I'm pretty certain that you are the woman talking in the Psych2go videos about narcs. Wow, you do know your stuff. I am a covert narcissist with psychopathic tendencies. All of what you were saying is what I do and used to do. We're not horrible people, but sick for sure. 100% right we have to be WILLING to change this and have empathy for others. It's a big challenge.
Hang in and keep learning to b real TO URSELF. The more u can start being genuine for urself z sooo helpful in ur journey. Not to mention it simply makes u feel better inside, makes being a Shit less fulfilling and less tempting to do. Don't know if I'm saying right but as a Recovering Bully/Narcissist I can say the above z true for me. Good luck 🕊️
My experiences were with the covert that over the span of many years (this was a friend) that whenever I'd share something that was particularly painful and she just sat there with this blank expression on her face, her eyes showed NO emotion at all - this was her baseline. The only time she'd show any emotion is when someone did something to her.
I have left in mid conversation because I notice the other person is a narcissist. It cold be in the middle of a word, I will leave. I would rather err in the side of caution and abandon the other person mid conversation than to be in the presence of a narcissist. I need friends far less than I need to keep my life narcisst free.
I was cleaning out my place to move and came across a birthday card from my ex narc husband. It was odd that he’d even given me a card for my birthday which is probably why I still had it four years post divorce. He wrote in it “I’m so proud of you for running that half marathon (I’d never been a runner. I did it bc he said I should) and how well you are doing in school (I’d recently returned to school)…” following that sentence he wrote “But I know you are capable of so much more. You have so much untapped potential and if you just put your mind to it you can accomplish so much more.”. What kind of psycho husband puts that in a birthday card to his wife? “But…”. that fn word. He was giving me backhanded compliments and slyly weaving in that “It’s still not good enough.”
I got a birthday card for my 10th anniversary because he didn't even bother to check it zero thought at all went into it and then I got a valentine long after we stopped living as married people but still were sharing the house with the comment "everyone deserves a valentine" he left it hanging there, because it was going to be followed up by "even you" but he didn't have the balls to say that even you part. Lol ass.
Ex Narc once. told me that he always thought he would marry someone with brown hair so his kids would look like him, while I am blonde. I replied to him... You better marry someone with grey hair then, bc you have grey hair (75% at that point)
I signed up for membership again because I am finally getting in touch with the TRAUMA BOND. I see now that it is a horrible prison where the big cat plays with the little mouse. These red flags help me see the evidence of what has been dogging me but has been hidden, 2 things: major fear and denial. The denial is soo bad that my narc has taken everything from me that nourishes me. I wish he was gone because it seems that he is using life and death against me with my needs and even desires to make me comply. The trauma bond is a defense mechanism that the subconscious and/or the spirit uses to STAY SAFE!!!
7:16 .. I have found myself talking to others about how my ex wife has treated me in the past. The thing I have found out is the lack of care she has actually had for her destructive behaviors. She is unapologetic about everything unless she doesn’t have a choice. Yet the apology was just to appease in the moment. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship 10+ years with a narcissistic person will behave irresponsibly for a while once that relationship has suddenly collapsed. In many ways it is the narcissist forced in your psyche that is causing your irrational behavior and the victim mentality. Take care of yourself and take your time to recover from it. Because it will seem for a little while that you are the crazy person.
The back handed compliment... when I was studying for my degree...Them: ."Oh that's so great that you are doing this later in life. How old will you be when you finish it?" Me: "48". Them: roars with mocking laughter...."That's so old". Gee, thanks.
One is 'Mixed Messages'. The post effect you feel after interaction. 'So, what did they want to communicate?' Narcissist pushes you into ruminating about what did they even mean in the first place?
My boss sister, it was always about her and her drama. After awhile I wouldn't even talk about my personal life as it can be used as ammo. No to mention, she would try to even control that aspect of my life, nor did she genuinely care
I never heard of narcissism. I met a who I thought was a prince. Had some red flags that I ignored. Married him and started a business with him. Have been in a divorce for 2 yrs. Thankful for you tube and all of these videos. I'm not alone and very educated now. My heart goes out to everyone here dealing with this trauma. We are in this together and we will come out stronger. They will reap what they sow and continue living miserably.
You literally described my husband & also his mother, she really had a master skill level of covert narcissism that catapulted her into a level where she would be so clever & manipulative & snowed everybody, I always knew something was off with her & only a few years ago did I learn about narcissistic personality disorder & then it all added up.
I think since we spend a great deal of our time in the office is where we experience Narcissism in the office. Besides personal life, narcissism also lives quite well in business life! Watch out.!
I will say… that first one is a common adhd trait. I’ll lose focus in a conversation and have to refocus after my eyes glaze over for a period. I’ll forget what people say but genuinely care about what they had to say, but I just couldn’t take it in at the time
My neighbor who lives in an apartment very close to mine flips. I've been thinking that she's bipolar but after watching a lot of your videos I'm thinking she's a true narcissist. Sometimes she is very friendly and does nice things for me but you're absolutely right. She never ask about my life or how I'm doing. And then suddenly I'll do something that angers her and she will attack me. Things that are very small and inconsequential. Thanks for all these great videos
As far as the backhanded compliments go, what my narc does that I finally figured out after about 30 years, is to say something like "those are nice boots" or "that's a nice dress" and that is supposed to be a compliment. It took me over 30 years to come to the realization that he has never complimented ME. He compliments inanimate objects. As you can see I am not in any of those sentences. Remember when you were a kid in English class and you had to diagram a sentence? The subject of the sentence is the inanimate object - the dress or the boots. I am nowhere in that sentence. I came to the realization that he has a real problem with giving a person a compliment. You would say the same thing about a dress hanging on a rack at the store or a pair of boots in the window of a store. Where am I in that compliment? He compliments inanimate objects and tries to pass It off as a compliment to to you personally
They can't compliment you or anything you do because then in their mind they're admitting that you may have something better or be better or be nicer looking or somehow have something better than them or are being something better to them and they must be the best at everything all the time so to compliment you on something is to concede in their mind that you are better than them at something and it drives them insane.
You can do it I promise just get everything you need together take the time you need to get prepared start getting things that are special to you out so when you do finally make that final walk out the door everything is already out that you wanted and have a place to go have everything set up and ready I did it after 30 years you can do it and you won't regret it.
My mother. Doesn’t respect my clear boundary repeatedly so I get firm and make her. And so after all was said and done, she repeats “But you still don’t have to be so mean about it.” 🙄🙄🙄🤯🤯🤯 (So you know it’s like either I relinquish my boundary or I’m a mean jerk. Bcuz being “nice” gets me nowhere. Well ok then. I choose mean jerk lol).
Sounds like my mother, they will call you mean, heartless, because you had to place boundaries with them. They don’t like boundaries. They can’t fulfill their supply needs.
I wish I knew this before, but I was vulnerable. I was divorcing a borderline and fell into the arms of a covert. The love bombing and listening to my vulnerability were great, I was hooked. It did not end well. I survived.
Thank you for your sincere spirit to provide insight and hope with truth. Just starting to recover from 23 yrs of this nice abusive covert narcissist. After emptying my soul for the interest of a mother and her children, THEY CANNOT BE FIXED, nor can they have EMPATHY even for a child.
My uncle is a Narcissist. And I've known it for more than 20 years. And there's no better track for me. He's the power of attorney for my grandmother. And doesn't care about anyone but himself. And when he's down. He comes at me for anything and everything.
I thought"love bombing" was just love....he checked out of marriage very early but was "nice" so I thought it was me not being good enough. Decades later he admitted he knew first year he never should have gotten married ..he wasn t happy married...I asked why he didn t tell ME so I could have potentially found a real husband and he said" I didn t want people to think I was the bad guy". Decades later here I am , broke, frauded off my deed, experiencing chronic health problems etc etc....and of course everyone still thinks he s a "great guy".
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. It's incredibly frustrating when it seems the person who does all the damage gets to maintain a squeaky clean reputation. I hope you're on a path to healing from all of it now ❤🙏
@@cindymauck4047never spent any time with me, never talked with me, no affection, rare sex....I m in therapy trying to find out why I set the bar so low for my life.
Sadly, it was all about him. Sounds like it still is. And yes, it takes what seems like forever for anyone else to see them for what they are. In a similar situation...slightly different details but I get you. Wishing you strength and the best.
"This is what I'm trying to explain to you... " as if I'm a child. When I express my opinion on the matter.. then I'm "an idiot" to which I tell him, you are being disrespectful. Round and round we go..
In the last devaluation phase my husband told me, how good I was in cleaning the bathroom. On the other hand every topic I talked about was boring, sickening and I also must have a lot of sick problems, when I help young women who were raped on their way through a tough court system. But cleaning his toilet, that was a thing I was good at. 🤮
This happened to me in 2010-2013. She was initially a friend, showed interest in my faith, then she became my stalker, and engaged me for two and a half years as a vulnerable person, who had an ex-boyfriend attacking me. She created 3-4 stalker personality, each would attack me in a slightly different way. It was crazy. She knew i would persevere as I wanted to help her.
Narc friend would always run to me as if i could solve their problems. Then after listening to them whine about it they would give me verbal abuse with some intimidation mixed in. When people speak to me i dont tell everyone what was said, to me thats the lowest form of conversation. Half of the things the narc says about people im 💯 sure they tell others im saying bad things about them. Trying to isolate and put me off from trying new things all bc the narc thinks ill leave. Well that happened had enough of the juvenile behavior gaslighting criticism unwanted advice total BS higher than thou attitude with no one for the narc to dump all this on hopefully people will see them for the snake they are
I wish the discussion about narcissists had been a thing back when I married my narcissist ! He destroyed my life.. but he was everything you said.. he did it all. This information is going to save lives ! My narcissists back handed compliment was when we were laying on the family bed watching TV together with our two daughters in the dark.. he was looking at me apparently and said “you’re going to be a beautiful woman someday” mind you I was beautiful.. I can say now because I’m away from him, and I was a grown woman with two children.. ! Made me feel good and not quite good enough at the same time ! I feel like I should write a book about this guy because he sucked me in for so many years.. stressed my friends and family and made them so critical of me for staying when they didn’t understand how thoroughly he had me brainwashed into thinking I was the problem.. and I could make it better if I just stuck it out. I had four children.. two did drugs… one of them was homeless for some years.. two, my sons, were alcoholics like their dad.. one of my sons killed himself and one is in jail which ironically probably has saved his life. Narcissists are literally deadly !! They ruin lives.. they kill and destroy ! Until today I never considered writing a book about this… but now I think I should. Narcissism is insidious …. and outing this and making people aware might be worth the effort .. still don’t feel capable though… it’s a thought worth considering.
I called my ex on his mixed messages about him trying to restart our relationship. I told him it was not going to happen. He said he wasn’t trying. Then he told me the next day he cried all night 🤦🏽♀️😩🤷🏽♀️
People tend to wait too long to walk away after experiencing a red flag. It just takes one such flag to start to back away from the person permanently-no second chances.! You’ll find someone else.
HAD a friend who called all her family narcissists. Realized it was because they were unwilling to give her financial support or engage. She was the actual narcissist. Didn't really know what a narcissist was and so I started watching videos like this and realized what was actually going on.
A "close" relative thought out all these processes with her stellar intelligence and practiced them into a fine art to accomplish her own designs - what an education, by the grace of God alone did I survive this spiritual battle.
Especially if it's facts that don't agree with the person that they have made themselves to be in their own mind. When you show them evidence that they are not the person did they have built themselves up to be then they just run away or Stonewall or Plainview and do whatever they have to do to stop it.
This is interesting, but I hope those who are thinking someone in their life is a Narcissist that they really looks at all aspects. I have been called a Narcissist and many other hurtful things because I do have a need for control and I want things to be done a certain way which can cause arguments, but I am also super self critical, self doubting and hold myself to extremely high standards, and recently found out I have OCPD, traits can be similar but the whole picture is what is needed to look at and not just a couple of points because not everyone is saying something to feel superior or to belittle people.
Oh the back handed compliment... That was a trademark of my mom.. She even said something very similar to your example. I would also add one other thing to this list. You can never get forgiveness from a narcissist. They simply refuse to see that you've changed. So even if you revise an opinion in their favor, or even if you've changed and grown, you're always that bad person. Perhaps this one is more common in parent child relationships in which the parent is a covert narcissist.
❤ your videos, they’ve been extremely helpful. Can you address how to deal with narcissistic people in the work environment? I seem to find an awful lot of them there, and as soon as I’m triggered I quit. I’d like to be able to deal with them instead. Thanks
I did a video on it early on when I just started on YT. But I think it depends on who is the narcissist (different if it's your boss or a coworker), and what the major issues are, but I'd say working on emotional reactivity would be helpful in all cases. Tame your triggers - because when you're easily triggered, you're easily manipulated. Here's that old video, maybe you'll find it helpful ruclips.net/video/ZpLMaY7B6XI/видео.htmlsi=8T4jX6HZXOlKTmLm
My girlfriend said, “once my ex sees you she’s going to laugh so hard and tell everyone she knows how funny it is that I’m dating a fatty, but idc what she thinks, you’re beautiful to me.” I didn’t know how to take that compliment?????
She called you a fatty, but she doesn;t care that you are overweight in her eyes. Just make sure she's genuine in that. If it hurt your feelings, maybe you should communicate it with her. Personally i think its mean to tell you that and her friend sounds like a mean person. Why is it funny to make fun of who someone is dating based on their appearance. Shallow people.
Being fat isn't irreversible. But to my experience the willingness to delivering backhanded compliments like that, are. Why don't you, in a quite moment, in an open mannor ask what she meant by saying that? You have definitely thought about it, otherwise you wouldn't have written it here. So the fact that she said so, means something to you. Take that seriously.
TL: "This other toxic person _will_ shame you for something that's at least _somewhat_ outside your control, and relates to your body image question. I'm telling you that if I cared about that, or if it were a dealbreaker...? You'd know. I respect your potential sensitivity on this, and-- shocker-- you _yourself_ matter more to me than those."
Be aware in the beginning and watch out for your feelings! Do you feel great because of all the compliments, but at the same time somehow insecure and not enough or have to prove yourself? Bad sign! Their manipulation starts very subtile.
This all fell into place a couple days ago, and I'm very grateful. Now I understand much of what has transpired over many years. A huge feeling of relief! Thank you!
My mom drops all semblances of covertness when you straight up disagree with her. I quit walking on eggshells and just started speaking my mind a couple years ago when it comes to disagreements and she absolutely cannot handle it.
I also nod along to stories and automatically reply, but I have adhd and disassociation and frequently mask being there when I’m not. It’s not a lack of interest it’s just an inability to keep attention for long enough
@@raeray8245 Hyperfixation and becoming hyperfocused is also one of the characteristics of ADHD.. now, being able to have that same drive with the rest of life is a different story 😆.. I'm diagnosed adhd.. but I'm Inattentive Type 1 formely known as ADD. I don't interrupt often or dominate conversations like Type 2 is more commonly known for.. but if someone is very talkative and going on and on, yes, I lose interest and dissociate, no longer fully engaged.. it's like I become overstimulated in the moment and have to protect my psyche and nervous system from being overloaded with their ongoing stimuli (long winded talkers).
@@ThisIsNotMyHome Believe me, story of my life. But if it's do or die- we can concentrate on it. ;) A lot of normal activity is made into a disorder so the pharma-cnts can medicate us. Parasite cleansing is therapeutic for concentration and brain health.
@@raeray8245 yes, along with balancing our bio rhythm cycles which can also lead to chronic illness and symptoms, diet, limiting daily exposure to toxins, etc. As for the diagnosis of ADHD, I believe mine is more a result of cptsd and nervous system dysfunction.. due to reasons also mentioned and related to or of.. most illness boils down to being in a state of imbalance. I'm currently on my healing journey.. it's um.. extensive.. so not an easy fix but I'm pushing forward nonetheless.. (and yes, I am already in the process of parasite cleansing and detoxing etc.. in addition to many other things.)
Yes!!!! SO MUCH YES! They are extremely lazy! They do as little as possible and get away with it! We see it, but things don’t and won’t change. I’m so glad you mentioned this!!
Backhanded compliment: "I don't know why you wear those heels! You think they do something for you but they don't" He said this the day I got out of inpatient treatment because he had convinced me I was paranoid and needed treatment (he was doing everything I was "paranoid" of). This was said as we were leaving home to celebrate my "improvement". He claimed it was a compliment meaning I don't need high heels to be pretty....🙄
It can go both ways. Both men and women have huge egos. That’s why I’m never “looking for a friend” they must come to me. I trust the universe and my intuition
I have/ had a so called Christian friend, he’s married with grownup kids, he is 60+ as am I. For years he has gas lit me, telling me how I have a problem with his kids ( who are hostile & down right rude to me & have been for years ) . I’m a straight male & every time my friend drinks he begins to make sexual advances towards me & blames me for “ making him feel that way “ . When I eventually distanced myself from him, by ignoring his battery of emails & phone calls, he called the cops on me, telling them that I’m violent, dangerous & going to harm myself, or others, then, a day later, I came home from the supermarket & found him sitting in my kitchen having a beer ! I asked him to leave, he laughed in my face, then left . Creepy !
*Wondering if you had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
It’s not a list, it’s a demand for your email and info 🤬
My father likes to dictate music to me on my sax and build game ideas like mine but better because he thinks stuff that he thinks is educational is fun and he expects to do noble work rather than join me to make my game.
This keeps referring to relationships. What about parents that are like this? Do you any on parent Narcissists? Adult kids need help. Especially if they decide no contact once boundaries aren’t followed.
What else could it be other than a covert narcissistic person,
Them copying you and minimising your uniqueness and ridiculing you
Everytime I expressed something they said “same here” and also repeated my own sentences back to me multiple times.. and I was like are you okay? Do you not have your own feelings? Idk why they parrot your own words back to you..
@@bl4478 dump that. I had a friend who kept buying things like mine. She was jealous and didn't have a center.
Have yall heard music album by j-ai, 'a codependents love with a narcissist on the brink of a ai takeover'. Its revalatory
@@bl4478It's a way to "draw you in" for control or they do it to deflect what you're saying. That's my hypothesis although in my experience it's sometimes preemptive and set up to attack or manipulate you later.
They always know someone who did whatever you accomplished, better.
Never marry anyone you feel sorry for-probably a covert narcissist.
With a lot of life experience behind me now, this is my BIGGEST red flag. Anyone who is playing (or even insinuating being) the victim card as a means of trying to get to know me is out. Just out. I have already fallen for this WAY too many times. Normal spectrum people simply do not do this. Period. This is a clear cut indicator the person is looking for a mother - not a partner. Nope 👎
Wow🎯 where were you 20 years ago?!
Guess I should just be glad I'm out now.
Spent 8 and a half years with someone just like that. I felt sorry for her 'stories' and tried to fix her. The greatest mistake I ever made till date.
And I'm beginning to know all these terms and theories about narcissism after going to a psychologist.
Too late, I refer to him as my favorite dumb animal, it's a thing!
@@InvisibleWarrior279yes mine would always whine the help me help me card, so uncool and no one to help me 2 kids to take care of and worn right out, I've my own situations I proudly try to resolve in my own, he'd grab my top too rough then call me friggid, do you have to do that to confirm I'm not your mother or shall I breast fed you? All ok now but they are tiresome! 😊
The eyes glazing over when you are not talking about them or their interests. 😂
...ngl, as someone on the autism spectrum... I would too.
Small talk is _genuinely_ exhausting mental filler.
@@normanclatcher Sure. I'm an aspie with all the core traits, but tend towards more broader ideas or deeper subjects in conversation that do not pertain to individual persons - Something narcs seem either indifferent to or absolutely loathe.
@@HoundXVI yep. I'm just sayin', the loathing is _mutual_ in that case, and they *_won't_* outlast me if I ever get started on my _own_ trivial interests.
@@normanclatcher 😂 For sure, can't stop, won't stop!
@@normanclatcher well you think you got autism to play the victim, everyone else who knows you see you are a narcissist and asshole most likly
9:17 A huge red flag and automatic deal breaker for me in friendships is when a friend bad mouths another person behind their back but is nice to their face. If they’re doing it to that other person, they’ll probably do it to me eventually.
Definitely 👍take care 🙏This sounds like me too 😊
Facts
Don't want to trigger you but the narc has already started talking about you. They LOVE to gossip talk bad about people
Yeah I had a narc carefully only backhandedly trash talk about me, “I’m worried about her…” 🙄🙄 meanwhile would say awful stuff about the others to me as a way to bait me to see if of say something bad about them. Narcissists are getting better at it.
🎯 that's also my red flag.
Gossip - they tend to call others "crazy" with impunity. Anyone who does something they don't agree with...the person is "crazy."
Holy Affirmation, Batman! 😮❤❤
So you’ve met my ex 😅
"What is wrong with ___?" "There's something wrong with ___."
Or “weird”…
That's there go to word. It's like the first word in the playbook.
"You don't want to find yourself stuck in the situation where you're wasting years of your life waiting for someone to be willing to stop acting in hurtful ways" Too late, wish I knew about narcissism sooner.
it’s so devastating all the pain all the wasted time then realizing it was coming from your most trusted loved ones, then you have to realize that they did it on purpose that they enjoyed watching you suffer and then you have to try to get over it. You have to try to stay safe if it were not others out here like us and support groups I would’ve never gotten free. And the sad thing is sometimes I long for the days where I didn’t believe it was just me and I was bad because at least then, if it were my fault, I wasn’t dangerous and to realize my mother could do. This is very life-changing, I know none of us will ever see life the same way
6 years lost 🥴🥲😭
I’m out after 39 yrs… never too late. I’m finally free and happy
@@kaylabryson1932 I'm at 30 years. I love her but she's destroying me.
I am so, so happy for you 💓!!! It's never too late to be joyful and enjoying your life 💖! Have fun and scoop up all of the love and light you can hold! 🥳👑🪬🫂
My covert narc mom ticks every box. Will "confide" in you about everything "wrong" with everyone else, and will poison others against you behind your back. All personal information, opinions, emotions, reactions are weaponized against you. In the absence of that, she just makes stuff up and lies. Complains that people are cold, distant, and evasive toward her, yet doesn't have the self-awareness to understand why. It's something "wrong" with that other person.
Damn, you're describing my mother to the tee, I wonder if we're related 😂
…mine too😞
My covert narc mother has spent her life spewing negativity about everyone. It's non-stop vitriol. She always plays the victim and stirs the pot. Looking back on my childhood I now understand why I don't know any of my cousins or extended family. I have no contact with her since she concocted the most atrocious lies about me and my husband and turned my father against me. I always knew she didn't love me but I actually thought my dad did. He definitely felt like the safer parent despite his faults. I think of all the times I protected him from her vindictive emotional and psychological abuse when he was ill. She was so cruel and insulting towards him. It's sad that he couldn't stand up to her. And really sad that he turned his back on me when he knows how abusive she is. To say I feel betrayed is an understatement. I've mourned them both.
I'm so sorry; no matter how awful they were, there has to be some pain, perhaps a sense of loss, as well as the betrayal, mixed in with some hurt that remains, and finally, a loss of hope for things to ever be different, a final dream that des with the hope. I hope that you have a ife of love and joy without all of the weight of the baggage they tried to strap on to you to carry around. 💝🪬🤗
You've just described my mother. She would always say "this is confidential, but" before she would tell their personal business that they shared with her.
One of the best indicators is that they are extremely quick to dismiss and avoid any issue or something they've done wrong, they cannot handle it at all.
They don't discuss real solutions or ways they could improve, and often just declare that everything was already resolved behind the scenes and you're the one who's in the wrong for not noticing (the work they haven't actually done).
100% - it's always a problem that they caused and everyone in their household is reacting to it in a negative way - they NEVER talk solutions or how they could turn things around. The family members who are reacting negatively are then called, "disrespectful".
ONE HUNDRED FREAKING PERCENT!! correct.
That's essentially how you spot covert narcs. If anyone disagrees with them, causes them shame, suggests they're doing something wrong... the mask slips and they attack.
yeah, “we’re not gonna rehash that again.” “get over yourself already” “ the world doesn’t revolve around you”. meanwhile, we never ‘hashed’ anything in the first place and it wasn’t like I was upset about something minor. and the only thing they’re upset about is that you dare to be upset
@@rwdchannel2901 and of course it doesn’t go the other way my parents love to bring up what I did when I was 15 which by the way I now realize was just me desperately trying to find some comfort and I would go to my friends houses and hang out with their parents and mine could’ve cared less. They didn’t guide or help me learn lessons. I was either told I was bad told I was a problem or my “bad” was an excuse for their bad behavior.
0:30 1. Mixed Messages
2:26 2. Intermittent Reinforcement
3:19 3. Backhanded Compliments
5:00 4. Playing the victim
7:21 5. That gut feeling (Intuition)
9:00 6. Gossip
11:04 7. Deflection & Defensiveness
Thank you
They're always the victim and the hero of every story they tell
@shelleypegram, that's exactly what I realised. My nex, a huge victim but all the things they did for others! My mother was a victim in childhood, turned into a huge victim martyr in adulthood whilst claiming how great she is and everything she does. They're never the problem, everybody else is .
When they feel comfortable with you then they'll dump all their whiny complaints about everyone else on you, too. They'll crap all over entire groups of people, regularly. They're hyper critical of others, and you're next on their crap list.
"...lemme introduce myself."
You are so right. I heard my narcissist being critical and rude about her friends and family members for years. I remember listening to her moaning about her mother-in-law for a whole evening. Not only was it uninteresting and disrespectful, it made me wonder what she said about me when I wasn't there!
Perfectly said yes that was my EX NARC
💯 💯 💯
He would accuse me of cheating when he was the one cheating 🙄
So did mine.
Hmm, mine has just accused me of cheating.
Yup. And lying. Talk about major projection!
Typical mine did too
@@karenwilliams5724 they project so he’s cheating on you.
They live in a fantasy world.
Delusional at minimum.
They will take your Money, Energy, Attention, Time, until all is depleated from you.
Me feels seriously messed up 😢
So sorry🙏🏾
I had a rude awakening 3 years ago to a "friend" . I educated myself about narcissism, only to realize I was also married to one. Once I saw the truth, I could not look the other way and my imaginary world required enormous changes. I'm divorced and no longer living in that town. It took about 2 years to come to terms with my issues (common denominator thing), yet I have no interest whatsoever in dating or going back into any social circle. Some people refer to me as a recluse, but I really don't care.
we’ve had so much crazy for so much time. I think it is normal and needed and understandable you wanna isolate and process it’s like we live in a parallel universe and it looks like everybody else’s but theirs has regular people and everyone’s doing regular human things and then there’s ours. where we know depths of true evil that we could never imagine. now I realize I was always running frantic to look busy or try to please my mom, I’m almost thinking sometimes when I think I’m sad, it’s just that I’m peaceful and I really have not experienced pure peace ever.
@@rock20055 He's like a ghost that keeps haunting. Yesterday, I received a petition for spousal support. He's 86 years old, has no expenses and lives with his brother. All the feelings of resentment were resurrected. All I can say is, if you suspect you're with a narcissist, run far away. I was his caretaker, breadwinner, housecleaner, cook and medical advocate for 10 years and he still wants to bleed me dry. And this man attends AA daily. Needless to say, i quit attending.
You should live your life your way, but your current way of thinking is a typical trauma response to narcissistic abuse.
If I were you, I would either do therapy with a psychologist or if I would want it for free, then I would seek out other victims and talk with them.
If you do what you typed, you might never heal and end up alone.
I wish the best for you!
Better than living in hell!! ❤🥂🙏
@@rock20055we have no choice but to isolate!! It’s such a respite!!
This was said during the love bombing phase: "If people look at you and my ex, people can tell that I don't date women for their looks". When asked what he meant by that, "Oh, I mean I date women for their personality". By the third year of the relationship (which came after the ghosting and breadcrumbing phase), it turned into outright demeaning, "My friend xyz was asking me why I was with a girl as ugly as you". I have been out of that 'relationship' for six years, healing for three and only woke up to the reality of it this year. The scariest thing is that the denigration and breakdown of sense of self continues even after the relationship ends.
Shallow. Him, and, by extension, you.
@@normanclatcher Way to miss the point. Kudos.
@@thetuckinlady I pride myself in not validating the shallow interpretation of beauty, so.
Kudos given, kudos received. ☺️
@@normanclatcherYou are quite mistaken if your comprehension of the entire comment is that it revolves around beauty. The kudos was um, sarcastic. Try learning about emotional abuse instead of hijacking people sharing their experience and making it about yourself.
@@thetuckinlady ...maybe it's _you_ who need to re-read your own comment. It's all about _whoever's ugly on the inside here,_ right? ...but again, you were the one phrasing it *in* such terms from the _start,_ so, what else was I supposed to think? There aren't enough lines for me to read between for it for me to draw any other conclusion other than: vain language -> personal beauty preferences -> _shallow._
Had nothing to do with anything else he's said or done, and those weren't brought up. You're now asking _me_ to conduct anything more than a surface-level analysis of that? ...Not a chance.
And _wow, yes,_ the kudos _were_ sarcastic, _in _*_both_*_ directions..?_ Literally _shocking,_ I tells ya.
Gave ya the option of having you thought I accepted them _sincerely,_ because, well, no, I was _wanting_ to.
...but nah, I just stumbled across another bitter and vain ex here, didn't I.
Can't possibly accept even that maybe he _did_ have a point...? Personality and 'ugly,' coming from you? ...already, he might even be more in the right than you think.
Thus always to fragile egos, too.
Wanna talk about emotional abuse?
I _would,_ but I truly don't think you've "grown up" enough to handle that kind of a conversation.
...yup, you're quite possibly the vanest person I've spoken to, all month. I don't even know why I bothered typing this comment...? ...oh, right, *no, lol,* you said "try learning about" as if that isn't my exact _DAILY. FREAKING. _*_STRUGGLE._* over here.
Don't want to get 'hijacked,' eh? That's rough. _Real_ rough. *Real* mature.
Maybe he _was_ a true narc, but I betcha dollars-to-donuts that you _also_ got what you deserved, in the end.
...how's *_that_* for 'sarcastic.' 😙
This is *exactly* my mother. If I ever disagreed with her, even about anything benign, she would literally scream at me, point out some random unrelated "flaw" she perceived that I had, then hang up on me or leave the room. Cutting all ties with her was the best decision of my life.
😂 had this EXACT call just now! Go figure
I told a covert narcissist that I got my military promotion 20 years after I got out of the military(which is unheard of). The covert narcissist said that it wasn't that big of deal. Anything else I told the covert narcissist about myself, he always knew someone else who did it way better.
Yep.. because they're jealous and don't know how to handle their feelings of inadequacies. An achievement by someone else is a reminder of what they haven't achieved, and their fragile ego can't handle feeling inadequate or inferior in that moment.. so they cater to their ego by trying to devalue you so they can temporarily feel better about themselves in that brief moment of false superiority
1. Mixed messages: They ask for help or advice and either do not follow or ignore the help / advice or argue / question it in a dismissive or condescending way.
Yes!
Not agreeing isn't mixed messages. Maybe you have horrible advice.
@@susanlovesjava4961
Sure , but if you think that a person does not give you good advices, you stop asking, if you are a normal person and not a narcissist whose main goal is to humiliate people.
Ask for honest opinion and if you say what they don't want to hear, they bite your head off
N: This person is stalking me telling me I got her pregnant. She is 100% lying. What do you think?
Me: I don’t know lol
N: YO WHAT DO YOU THINK??
Me: If you think she’s crazy, your standard is low. If you’re not happy with the quality of the people you associate with, you might wanna raise your standard.
N: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO? THAT RIGID ATTITUDE AND LACK OF EMPATHY PUSH PPL AWAY, YOU WILL HAVE ZERO FRIENDS.
Me: Seriously? 😂 Frankly I don’t mind that. I’m happy with the people I have around me.
N: You look down on other people, saying she is of low quality. You also claim my discernment is wrong.
Me: Dude I don’t know this person nor am I telling you what to do. I’m not the one dissing her either.
I realized I’d been dealing with a fucking narcissist, and I told him he didn’t deserve me as a friend. He believed it was MY loss. Hilarious 😂
After 29 years of Narcissist family abuse, they abuse me no more.
Same
Like me I stayed too long he was a lazy controlling man who was mean
Yup. I am proud of you all for leaving them. 💛
They love to change history too 🙄
Heck, they change the present with something called gaslighting
Always keep your boundaries.
Even if the covert doesn't think your boundaries apply to them - I always assured them that they did. (It's like they felt that they were entitled to special treatment) always at my expense.
they test their boundaries all the time, when you got agitated, they will say 'i'm only joking, why you so petty, i didn't know you can't take jokes'
I get that too! I’m only kidding ! I can’t stand it anymore!
Though...I would make a distinction between testing your boundaries and trampling them. People test all the time; it's how they find out where they really are. Kids do it even. I feel very safe with certain people I'm thinking of who DO poke from time to time at my boundaries to see if they're solid...but never cross them, ridicule me for having them, or make like I"m unreasonable when I enforce them. I feel zero resentment at that testing...in a way, I appreciate the honesty in our interactions.
And yet, the covert narc "tests" in a different way...by outright crossing the line and demeaning you for having a line. It's totally different.
I'm not sure why, but when Christina was talking about this I was thinking about the difference between the boundary testing done by one of my favorite people in the world, and that done by the narc's in my life. And it's SO different, the whole feel is different. Though some would probably say to red flag even the one I feel safe with....
I really liked her advice though, to listen to that gut feeling of resentment. You'll know it when it's toxic boundary testing. Like in the case you mention, when they ridicule you for having boundaries. Toxic behavior grrrr.
When you ask them not to do something at work because it loads extra work onto your day, yet they feel they know/do better than you in your own job but can't stop themselves.
Isn’t that called gaslighting?
@@ginavourgarakis7156…isn’t that called gaslighting? I have a couple brothers in law that constantly do that to me. I hate it and am now calling them out on it!
She rightly identifies jealousy and resentment as motivating forces behind narcissistic abuse. Be sure that you understand that the person will not just come out and tell you, 'I'm generally bitter and resentful, and I will blame you if you give me the opportunity."
"I'm generally bitter and resentful, and if I have _reason_ to call you out on your $#!7, I will."
"...but also, no, don't flatter yourself into thinking it's a _you_ thing. To quote a pair of song lyrics: 'pointing fingers 'cause you'll never take the blame like me,' and, the classic 'you're so vain; you prob'ly think this song is about you...'"
Mine flat out said he resents me because I’ve done so much in life and he hasn’t. The same week told me I was nothing and every other name he could muster. I had been recording Day and night because of the constant gaslighting. I was literally doubting my reality. When I think maybe one more try for the kids… I play that recording back and remind myself that staying gone is protecting the kids and myself.
@@Wellwouldyalookatthatmy ex said some similar things to me! They are very jealous and they want your life!!!!!
@@Wellwouldyalookatthatsmart!!! Yes protecting them and yourself!
The narcissist always tell me. " I am not gossiping but I am just sharing with you..."
Depends.
There are times when this is _justified._
FACTS 😭 when you never asked about NONE of what they are talking about 😁… but I believe it’s calculated because it gives someone not paying attention the notion that they are present
There is gossiping and there is sharing facts. For me gossiping is "Look at that person, what they are wearing, which car they drive. I am sure this person has some corpses in the basemeng by that look." Sharing facts is "Soundso neighbor cut my flowers in my backyard out of the blue. What an ahole behaviour, I will sue them for destroying my property."
An anecdote about someone who served me a very sneaky one: ski/snowboard trip with boyfriend and his bestie, who brought his new girlfriend to meet us. I don't really ski well, or do anything sporty well except swim. I have balance issues from a visual impairment plus a congenital inner ear problem, so I play it safe and I stick to the kids/beginners hills. I don't mind that others go off to more challenging stuff, I'm just happy to have a day off from work outside with friends. So prior to this girl coming along, everyone was cool with the arrangement. She's an excellent skier and snowboarder, and has competed seriously. I watch her playing around at the beginning and remark to our friend that new girl is so graceful and takented, she makes it look easy. Later while they're up on the hard hills, friend tells her about my compliment in an attempt to communicate that his friends all like her. She took offense to what I said and once they reached the bottom if the run, she huffs over to me asking wtf I meant by saying that. I said, I just meant it nicely, she's awesome at this and seems as if she finds it effortless, when a lot of people don't ski like her after decades of practice, and as for me, I just wasn't capable of that skill, and I admired it. This appeared to piss her off even more. She called me manipulative, passive aggressive. Said it was a backhanded compliment meant to belittle her. The rest of the day she was antagonistic and pouty. She said me making a big deal about what little bit I'd seen of her skills was condescending and sarcastic like I was "congratulating a para Olympian for mediocrity "ooohhh, goood jobbbbb Lisa, you didn't fall down!" That comment made me lose my temper for insinuating that I was being snotty as well as that there is something lacking in para Olympians, and the whole afternoon just went to hell from there. Suddenly my boyfriend was pushing me to try stuff beyond my comfort zone and when I said no, he got mad and cut the trip off early. We all left angry and of course I got blamed for sticking my foot in my mouth. I felt terrible, like I couldn't say anything right. Later, I was told by our friend that she was insulted because she had only been warming up. She thought that I was making fun of her, sarcastically saying she was really good when what I saw wasn't near where her skills actually are, just a warmup. Smh at the way she used righteous indignation and DARVO on me just to point out she was actually much better at skiing than I had seen. A very convoluted, sneaky, hostile way of putting me down and promoting herself when all she needed to say, what a healthy person would've said, is, "thanks! I've worked really hard to reach the level I'm at."
She sounds like a nasty piece of work. You said nothing wrong.
Thanks for sharing this story. It’s baffling in the moment.
Yes a thank you would have done! How self absorbed can you be?! You did nothing wrong.
Ewww! Yesss! Perfect example. It z stunning how such a person can breathe poisonous vapor into everyone/everything around them. Suddenly u'r left standing there w mouth open thinking wtf z happening??!
Sorry you had to deal with it. Also I feel sorry for the girl, what a pathetic life she must live, seeing hostility everywhere and a dig on their abilities. Hopefully you don’t have to deal with that person any more!
victims but they were actually the agressor - yeah exactly
Wounded gazelle gambit, and my mom _still_ thinks she does nothing wrong.
wowwwwwww, yes. always paint themselves as victims but you hear the other side of the story and it’s entirely different.
Narcissism, the only toxic mental health issue that harms those the narcissistic person interacts with, more than them! It's really sick when you think about it. People you love harm you, elevate themselves and never have to take accountability, while their victims fall apart
Covert narcissists are creepy. Ever got the feeling someone is watching you while you are doing random things or talking to someone else? Then you look at them and they actually are staring at you like observing a study object in a cage.
that is bullshit. people in the comment section of narc. content just put the most random stuff in here. not everybody is a narcissist.
@@ormus64you sound like a narcissist because what the OP is saying is exactly how my narc makes me feel watched all the time.
Yep! My narc daughters mom does this to me all the time. Does it when I'm doing tasks around the house..waiting for the right moment to jump in and start criticizing how I'm doing it. When I clean myself up real nice she never compliments me but will give me the jealous death stare but expects me to compliment her when she cleans herself up real good. I don't do it. I live my life like I please and do lots of planned ignoring with her. Sometimes depending on my mood I will be a smart a$$ back to her when she starts crap with me. Ironically when I do she plays innocent victim role or mocks me saying where is my empathy? Don't you work with disabled people??? Lol. I just try to mind my own business but narcs won't let you..they will see you at peace and decide to disrupt by starting crap with you
@@stevescott3735 everybody who’s not on my side is a narcissist.
- that’s how you sound.
@@ormus64oh please you don't even know the other commenter go troll on social media
Good luck to everyone who deals with these individuals.
I have to live here to make sure my grandmother is okay. So no getting away from him.
That's the thing there's no luck in it,there mines are made up the minute they meet you,the games begin, hopefully you can spot it early on.
I'm in the thick of it right now. The trauma bond. I can't function properly.
And you won't until you leave, and stay gone. The ONLY way to heal
🙏 🙏 🙏
My heart goes out to you
Leave the person. Do breathing exercises. Focus on self care 🙏🏼
Leave them. I left mine almost a year ago. You won’t regret it!
For those of you wondering if you are a narcissist, you may occasionally do some of these things. That doesnt make you a narcissist, but it is behavior to try to improve. Your guilt over your mistakes or bad decisions is evidence that you arent a narcissist. You have the capacity for empathy and self reflection.
Unfortunately I can’t remember the creator that said this but it has STUCK with me because I was horrified and ashamed for SO long that I was the abuser, or my BPD was getting out of control/I was actually a narcissist misdiagnosed but “If you are wondering if YOU are the narcissist in the first place, you almost certainly aren’t; a narcissist sees no such thing and wouldn’t care enough to check, much less be genuinely DISTRESSED over it”
Unfortunately I can’t remember the creator that said this but it has STUCK with me because I was horrified and ashamed for SO long that I was the abuser, or my BPD was getting out of control/I was actually a narcissist misdiagnosed but “If you are wondering if YOU are the narcissist in the first place, you almost certainly aren’t; a narcissist sees no such thing and wouldn’t care enough to check, much less be genuinely DISTRESSED over it”
@@equin0x22415 exactly. Be kind to yourself, give yourself the benefit of the doubt. I struggle with that fear too, that im a covert narcissist or psychopath; but I was told similar by a Social Worker I was seeing for therapy.
If you seek to improve, youre already better than you were
Thank you for your comment!
Yes, when I look back in life- I was narcissitic, younger. :D But I always had empathy.
The first word out his mouth when I talk about something no matter the subject is NO and he constantly cuts me off and doesn't let me finish what I was saying. Then because he cuts me off takes what I'm saying out of context. We can never have a conversation to were it doesn't end up in an argument. He says things to me that I've mentioned in the past and twist it that I am at fault that I did those things and not him. Please whom ever you are in a relationship like mine get out of it. Don't waste half your life like I did.
From a stranger I’m sorry you experienced that, but I don’t believe it’s a waste, I think you’ve learned so many lessons, and maybe you’ve helped others out of similar situations… and I bet you are now zeroed in on any of those red flag signs, you’re a survivor, and so much stronger for it
Sounds exactly like my ex wife.
Me too!! wasted so much my life on stupidity
@@imsickofmakingnamesmy ex girlfriend was just as messed up
@@josmclove4426 you’re out now that’s all that count
The most important from someone who did. DO NOT WASTE THE YEARS, even if it is your mother.
@@eleanorrae7378
👍🏻
If someone waste 10 minutes of your time, 8 minutes is your fault. 💣
"Slapped with a velvet glove" is a PERFECT description for the back-handed compliment!! For so long I thought I was just being overly sensitive and couldn't take a joke. It's so sly/subtle until you catch on. All of these are great tips to watch for, thank you!
I could not see my own compliance until I saw the entire picture in its truthfulness. This horrible stuff has been hiding in my subconscious as my shadow side.
there's so much you can see in hindsight, but it's impossible to see the full picture when you're wrapped up in it. There is a lot of opportunity for personal growth on the other side if you're willing to explore that stuff, though ❤️🙏
I can relate.
This is the key to turn it around. It takes a few more subconscious run ins with these monsters to develope the immunity and ability to be repulsed and shielded from them. It takes time and awareness. Good luck , on ward and upward friends...you are not alone.
I know!
Stronger now for having gone thru this ❤
Truth. Same
You described my life with my narc husband. He makes me the bad guy after he exasperates me. Typically this looks like he asks questions, I answer him and he keeps it going, by repeating himself, I repeat the answers then suddenly I’m being disrespectful because I start to raise my voice because I’m tired of repeating myself. I literally can’t handle it anymore.
They're diabolical and sick. 😢😢😢
Leave him!!!
I've been married now for nearly 30 years. After losing all my friends, developing anxiety, being pushed into high pressure corporate jobs to support expensive habits, being love bombed then going to intimacy once or twice a year, not being able to visit my ageing parents and having to suffer the ridicule that her infidelity was because of me, I'm done. I've also been convinced that I'd never find anyone who would put up with my shit. But in a weird way, not unlike Stockholm Syndrome, I find it hard to accept that I can have a life which is any different to what I have now. I'm convinced that she is normal and I'm the root of all evil. I try to talk to her about my feelings and she shrugs it off and starts talking about a dress or shoes she bought. I sincerely empathize with you. It's genuinely a shit situation but I don't know any different.
@@fabioantonioli6300 would you be willing to get some counseling to build back your self worth after suffering so much emotionally with your narcissist? Narcissists aren’t interested in anybody feelings. Keep learning all you can about these people so you can be strong and have healthy boundaries.
🤯😫😢
If you wanna get rid of a covert narc in the easiest way possible, just tell them you’re not interested in gossip. They will disappear.
I've always had to deal with these type of narcissists who simply didn't care if I'm interested. They started gossiping anyway and were upset when I didn't engaged or just listened and agreed. Thank god I've cut them all out of my life and live to my true nature now (lone wolf and happy about it).
One thing I noticed about my narcissistic ex (who I just broke up with 🎉) was that the victim complex applied to even little things in her everyday language. It was never just “I’m cold,” it was always “the apartment is cold,” meaning I had to be constantly changing the temperature instead of her putting on a sweater or something.
That's a good one, I never noticed. It's so hard for me to recognize these.
I need a full list to learn to see them
@@paulv2348The list goes from earth to moon and back. 😄
My covert narcissist mother mostly excuses being a shitty person with some health issue. She for sure has some health problems, but whenever she’s confronted about some crap she caused, she starts whining about her stomach issues, heart rate, bad sleep etc. It’s like a clockwork. There’s no signs of her feeling unwell. Someone asks why did she do X thing when specifically told not to. She gasps some air, grabs her stomach and starts whining how bad she feels, how she didn’t think clear because of her stomach etc.
So, yep, playing the victim is not always blaming other people. Sometimes it’s also cold air or stomach to blame.
@@Trammiliin_nr2 someone or something to blame.. but them personally 😆... deflection. If she blames illness then she doesn't have to face any wrongdoings on her behalf.. which she can't handle. Fragile ego.
At about 3:00 minutes, you said “things do get better.” Well, I have to add, from my experience, they only get better if you divorce/leave the narcissist. The narcissist will never get better. Your marriage will never get better. Leave. Leave. Leave. And have zero contact.
Life never gets better if they're in it
Deflection defensiveness : or zero engagement, instead just falls asleep!
FYI- it is good idea to ensure the person isn’t on the autism spectrum either. I unfortunately have a tendency to have one sided conversations and I hate small talk. Working on it, but am self conscious regarding it. But I’m not a covert narcissist 😕
This. And also same for those with (C-)PTSD.
Yeah, but are you full of contempt and arrogance? Do the rules never apply to you? Do you lack empathy and compassion? Are you unable to be held accountable for your actions?
I thought my husband was aspy till all those things became obvious. Terrible and sad to discover I was so wrong.
And adhd
@@BemaSeatAcademyno, but it’s hard to not feel this way for some considering society isn’t where it needs to be in identifying spectrum disorders. Hence my reply to this video.
Please remove all narcissistic entities from my life and entities that have ill intentions towards me.
I am a Goddess of peace and light and I draw energy of peace and light to me.
They never show genuine joy or enthusiasm for your achievements because they see you excelling as a threat to their ego and this gets taken as a personal slight.
They want to see you fail and fall short. That's when they'll pour all of their attention on you because it fulfills their need for you to be lesser than them.
Watch for them being indifferent to your accomplishments and being enthralled by your failures.
I was recently ghosted (discarded) by a "friend" who has nearly all these characteristics. The ghosting occurred after a disagreement and a conversation that did not go her way. I see that she was using me to listen to her gossip, sometimes for hours. One warning sign I ignored was her shaming me for setting boundaries in the past.
I am not stating that she was not what you claim her to be, but I would advise you to look into these things as what you described could be similar:
-avoidant personality disorder
-anxious-avoidant personality disorder
-ADHD could be similar in the "ghosting" part as they have this "out of sight, out of mind" way of not thinking
-also, you described some standard healthy female behaviour
@@roberth4395 Thanks. This is something to consider. Characteristics of personality disorders can sometimes overlap. Diagnoses can be for mixed or non-specific personality disorders with mixed features. I have seen the person in question behave similarly with multiple people besides myself. I would have a hard time characterizing her behavior as normal or healthy.
I'm pretty certain that you are the woman talking in the Psych2go videos about narcs. Wow, you do know your stuff. I am a covert narcissist with psychopathic tendencies. All of what you were saying is what I do and used to do. We're not horrible people, but sick for sure. 100% right we have to be WILLING to change this and have empathy for others. It's a big challenge.
Hang in and keep learning to b real TO URSELF. The more u can start being genuine for urself z sooo helpful in ur journey. Not to mention it simply makes u feel better inside, makes being a Shit less fulfilling and less tempting to do. Don't know if I'm saying right but as a Recovering Bully/Narcissist I can say the above z true for me. Good luck 🕊️
They can share private information as a form of social currency
My experiences were with the covert that over the span of many years (this was a friend) that whenever I'd share something that was particularly painful and she just sat there with this blank expression on her face, her eyes showed NO emotion at all - this was her baseline. The only time she'd show any emotion is when someone did something to her.
I have left in mid conversation because I notice the other person is a narcissist. It cold be in the middle of a word, I will leave. I would rather err in the side of caution and abandon the other person mid conversation than to be in the presence of a narcissist. I need friends far less than I need to keep my life narcisst free.
beware fear
@@user-ih5jr8rt5q Some people are just good at spotting these beasts. We save time and energy.
I was cleaning out my place to move and came across a birthday card from my ex narc husband. It was odd that he’d even given me a card for my birthday which is probably why I still had it four years post divorce. He wrote in it “I’m so proud of you for running that half marathon (I’d never been a runner. I did it bc he said I should) and how well you are doing in school (I’d recently returned to school)…” following that sentence he wrote “But I know you are capable of so much more. You have so much untapped potential and if you just put your mind to it you can accomplish so much more.”. What kind of psycho husband puts that in a birthday card to his wife? “But…”. that fn word.
He was giving me backhanded compliments and slyly weaving in that “It’s still not good enough.”
I got a birthday card for my 10th anniversary because he didn't even bother to check it zero thought at all went into it and then I got a valentine long after we stopped living as married people but still were sharing the house with the comment "everyone deserves a valentine" he left it hanging there, because it was going to be followed up by "even you" but he didn't have the balls to say that even you part. Lol ass.
Ex Narc once. told me that he always thought he would marry someone with brown hair so his kids would look like him, while I am blonde. I replied to him... You better marry someone with grey hair then, bc you have grey hair (75% at that point)
This is bringing back memories, especially sad ones 😢😢😢
sorry 😢
I signed up for membership again because I am finally getting in touch with the TRAUMA BOND. I see now that it is a horrible prison where the big cat plays with the little mouse. These red flags help me see the evidence of what has been dogging me but has been hidden, 2 things: major fear and denial. The denial is soo bad that my narc has taken everything from me that nourishes me. I wish he was gone because it seems that he is using life and death against me with my needs and even desires to make me comply. The trauma bond is a defense mechanism that the subconscious and/or the spirit uses to STAY SAFE!!!
very true... the defense mechanisms that work against us are intended to keep us safe. It can be a lot to unpack ❤🙏
They use reflective language. “You’re jealous of me.” = “I’m jealous of you.”
7:16 .. I have found myself talking to others about how my ex wife has treated me in the past. The thing I have found out is the lack of care she has actually had for her destructive behaviors. She is unapologetic about everything unless she doesn’t have a choice. Yet the apology was just to appease in the moment.
Anyone who has been in a long term relationship 10+ years with a narcissistic person will behave irresponsibly for a while once that relationship has suddenly collapsed.
In many ways it is the narcissist forced in your psyche that is causing your irrational behavior and the victim mentality.
Take care of yourself and take your time to recover from it. Because it will seem for a little while that you are the crazy person.
The back handed compliment... when I was studying for my degree...Them: ."Oh that's so great that you are doing this later in life. How old will you be when you finish it?" Me: "48". Them: roars with mocking laughter...."That's so old". Gee, thanks.
Response, you too will be old but you will have no degree.
@@Krlowanigu-mg6eg Thank you! I had never thought about it like this! ❤️
@@EmmaPeacock-cc9fl Maybe you can text that , now. :D ( I would want to -haha)
One is 'Mixed Messages'. The post effect you feel after interaction. 'So, what did they want to communicate?' Narcissist pushes you into ruminating about what did they even mean in the first place?
My boss sister, it was always about her and her drama. After awhile I wouldn't even talk about my personal life as it can be used as ammo. No to mention, she would try to even control that aspect of my life, nor did she genuinely care
My ex would say,” you’re not a bad looking woman,for your age.”😮
@@tonjasweat5735 CONTROL
This makes me sad that you ever had to endure that.
Is that a compliment or a put down
What did you say back?
That alone doesn't make him a narcissist. But it shure as h*ll doesn't make him a good person either. What a moron.
I never heard of narcissism. I met a who I thought was a prince. Had some red flags that I ignored. Married him and started a business with him. Have been in a divorce for 2 yrs. Thankful for you tube and all of these videos. I'm not alone and very educated now. My heart goes out to everyone here dealing with this trauma. We are in this together and we will come out stronger. They will reap what they sow and continue living miserably.
Nice gentle way of speaking esp since your audience-most of us are being or have been tortured.
You literally described my husband & also his mother, she really had a master skill level of covert narcissism that catapulted her into a level where she would be so clever & manipulative & snowed everybody, I always knew something was off with her & only a few years ago did I learn about narcissistic personality disorder & then it all added up.
I think since we spend a great deal of our time in the office is where we experience Narcissism in the office. Besides personal life, narcissism also lives quite well in business life! Watch out.!
Worked with two beauties in marketing/pr office - worst job I've ever had!
I will say… that first one is a common adhd trait.
I’ll lose focus in a conversation and have to refocus after my eyes glaze over for a period. I’ll forget what people say but genuinely care about what they had to say, but I just couldn’t take it in at the time
My neighbor who lives in an apartment very close to mine flips. I've been thinking that she's bipolar but after watching a lot of your videos I'm thinking she's a true narcissist. Sometimes she is very friendly and does nice things for me but you're absolutely right. She never ask about my life or how I'm doing. And then suddenly I'll do something that angers her and she will attack me. Things that are very small and inconsequential. Thanks for all these great videos
As far as the backhanded compliments go, what my narc does that I finally figured out after about 30 years, is to say something like "those are nice boots" or "that's a nice dress" and that is supposed to be a compliment. It took me over 30 years to come to the realization that he has never complimented ME. He compliments inanimate objects. As you can see I am not in any of those sentences. Remember when you were a kid in English class and you had to diagram a sentence? The subject of the sentence is the inanimate object - the dress or the boots. I am nowhere in that sentence. I came to the realization that he has a real problem with giving a person a compliment. You would say the same thing about a dress hanging on a rack at the store or a pair of boots in the window of a store. Where am I in that compliment? He compliments inanimate objects and tries to pass It off as a compliment to to you personally
Oh THIS. They can never compliment the person directly. Or they just plain use irony and pass it as a compliment.
this is a good example of what they do and how sneakily they do it.
the compliments are NEVER specific or unique to YOU as an individual. nothing ever about you. everything about them is just exhausting.
They can't compliment you or anything you do because then in their mind they're admitting that you may have something better or be better or be nicer looking or somehow have something better than them or are being something better to them and they must be the best at everything all the time so to compliment you on something is to concede in their mind that you are better than them at something and it drives them insane.
This happens to me often by my husband I’m mustering up the guts to be done with it
You can do it I promise just get everything you need together take the time you need to get prepared start getting things that are special to you out so when you do finally make that final walk out the door everything is already out that you wanted and have a place to go have everything set up and ready I did it after 30 years you can do it and you won't regret it.
My mother. Doesn’t respect my clear boundary repeatedly so I get firm and make her. And so after all was said and done, she repeats “But you still don’t have to be so mean about it.” 🙄🙄🙄🤯🤯🤯 (So you know it’s like either I relinquish my boundary or I’m a mean jerk. Bcuz being “nice” gets me nowhere. Well ok then. I choose mean jerk lol).
Sounds like my mother, they will call you mean, heartless, because you had to place boundaries with them. They don’t like boundaries. They can’t fulfill their supply needs.
@@leah__gail Yes. For sure!
Sick of putting the narc and the flying monkeys first. Time I put myself first for once so I went NC with the lot of them
I wish I knew this before, but I was vulnerable. I was divorcing a borderline and fell into the arms of a covert. The love bombing and listening to my vulnerability were great, I was hooked. It did not end well. I survived.
Thank you for your sincere spirit to provide insight and hope with truth. Just starting to recover from 23 yrs of this nice abusive covert narcissist. After emptying my soul for the interest of a mother and her children, THEY CANNOT BE FIXED, nor can they have EMPATHY even for a child.
My uncle is a Narcissist. And I've known it for more than 20 years. And there's no better track for me. He's the power of attorney for my grandmother. And doesn't care about anyone but himself. And when he's down. He comes at me for anything and everything.
I thought"love bombing" was just love....he checked out of marriage very early but was "nice" so I thought it was me not being good enough.
Decades later he admitted he knew first year he never should have gotten married ..he wasn t happy married...I asked why he didn t tell ME so I could have potentially found a real husband and he said" I didn t want people to think I was the bad guy".
Decades later here I am , broke, frauded off my deed, experiencing chronic health problems etc etc....and of course everyone still thinks he s a "great guy".
Wow, I’m so sorry. What do you mean by “checked out of marriage early”? If you don’t mind me asking, for my own sanity.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. It's incredibly frustrating when it seems the person who does all the damage gets to maintain a squeaky clean reputation. I hope you're on a path to healing from all of it now ❤🙏
@@cindymauck4047never spent any time with me, never talked with me, no affection, rare sex....I m in therapy trying to find out why I set the bar so low for my life.
narc will do whatever they could to save (or not lose) their 'face'(status/image).
Sadly, it was all about him. Sounds like it still is. And yes, it takes what seems like forever for anyone else to see them for what they are.
In a similar situation...slightly different details but I get you.
Wishing you strength and the best.
Manipulation 🎉 TRUTH
Mixed Messages. But all on their terms.
Definitely on their terms
Yes, it is manipulation AND the other thing for me is the compliance that the manipulation eventually secures.
@@CynthiaSchoenbauer I have done it for years.
"This is what I'm trying to explain to you... " as if I'm a child. When I express my opinion on the matter.. then I'm "an idiot" to which I tell him, you are being disrespectful. Round and round we go..
Had that all the time when talking they would constantly say 'Do you understand?' They think they are genious or something
@@Agheel963 and usually nowhere near as intelligent as their ego perceives themselves to be 😆
In the last devaluation phase my husband told me, how good I was in cleaning the bathroom. On the other hand every topic I talked about was boring, sickening and I also must have a lot of sick problems, when I help young women who were raped on their way through a tough court system. But cleaning his toilet, that was a thing I was good at. 🤮
Wow liba.thats is sad.at least my ex narc. Has a loving side and did not put me down all the time but very often.
This happened to me in 2010-2013. She was initially a friend, showed interest in my faith, then she became my stalker, and engaged me for two and a half years as a vulnerable person, who had an ex-boyfriend attacking me. She created 3-4 stalker personality, each would attack me in a slightly different way. It was crazy. She knew i would persevere as I wanted to help her.
Narc friend would always run to me as if i could solve their problems. Then after listening to them whine about it they would give me verbal abuse with some intimidation mixed in. When people speak to me i dont tell everyone what was said, to me thats the lowest form of conversation. Half of the things the narc says about people im 💯 sure they tell others im saying bad things about them. Trying to isolate and put me off from trying new things all bc the narc thinks ill leave. Well that happened had enough of the juvenile behavior gaslighting criticism unwanted advice total BS higher than thou attitude with no one for the narc to dump all this on hopefully people will see them for the snake they are
I wish the discussion about narcissists had been a thing back when I married my narcissist ! He destroyed my life.. but he was everything you said.. he did it all. This information is going to save lives ! My narcissists back handed compliment was when we were laying on the family bed watching TV together with our two daughters in the dark.. he was looking at me apparently and said “you’re going to be a beautiful woman someday” mind you I was beautiful.. I can say now because I’m away from him, and I was a grown woman with two children.. ! Made me feel good and not quite good enough at the same time ! I feel like I should write a book about this guy because he sucked me in for so many years.. stressed my friends and family and made them so critical of me for staying when they didn’t understand how thoroughly he had me brainwashed into thinking I was the problem.. and I could make it better if I just stuck it out. I had four children.. two did drugs… one of them was homeless for some years.. two, my sons, were alcoholics like their dad.. one of my sons killed himself and one is in jail which ironically probably has saved his life. Narcissists are literally deadly !! They ruin lives.. they kill and destroy ! Until today I never considered writing a book about this… but now I think I should. Narcissism is insidious …. and outing this and making people aware might be worth the effort .. still don’t feel capable though… it’s a thought worth considering.
The one who I had the pleasure of dealing with caused a suicide close to me. God Bless you. THey are pure evil.
I called my ex on his mixed messages about him trying to restart our relationship. I told him it was not going to happen. He said he wasn’t trying.
Then he told me the next day he cried all night 🤦🏽♀️😩🤷🏽♀️
I never learned how to best deal with an avoidant person until I learned how to deal with a narcissist
Narcs are avoidant, but not all Avoidants are Narcs
@@ThisIsNotMyHome whether full blown narcs or narcissistic tendencies, it’s all toxic
People tend to wait too long to walk away after experiencing a red flag. It just takes one such flag to start to back away from the person permanently-no second chances.! You’ll find someone else.
HAD a friend who called all her family narcissists. Realized it was because they were unwilling to give her financial support or engage. She was the actual narcissist. Didn't really know what a narcissist was and so I started watching videos like this and realized what was actually going on.
A "close" relative thought out all these processes with her stellar intelligence and practiced them into a fine art to accomplish her own designs - what an education, by the grace of God alone did I survive this spiritual battle.
Dare disagree with a covert narc? You just don't understand their point of view. Especially if it's facts that are inconvenient to their narrative.
oh that one hits me hard.
Especially if it's facts that don't agree with the person that they have made themselves to be in their own mind. When you show them evidence that they are not the person did they have built themselves up to be then they just run away or Stonewall or Plainview and do whatever they have to do to stop it.
I notice that everything we do or have done, they also have and usually better. You can’t have, be, or do anything past, present, or future.
This is interesting, but I hope those who are thinking someone in their life is a Narcissist that they really looks at all aspects. I have been called a Narcissist and many other hurtful things because I do have a need for control and I want things to be done a certain way which can cause arguments, but I am also super self critical, self doubting and hold myself to extremely high standards, and recently found out I have OCPD, traits can be similar but the whole picture is what is needed to look at and not just a couple of points because not everyone is saying something to feel superior or to belittle people.
Oh the back handed compliment... That was a trademark of my mom.. She even said something very similar to your example. I would also add one other thing to this list. You can never get forgiveness from a narcissist. They simply refuse to see that you've changed. So even if you revise an opinion in their favor, or even if you've changed and grown, you're always that bad person. Perhaps this one is more common in parent child relationships in which the parent is a covert narcissist.
❤ your videos, they’ve been extremely helpful. Can you address how to deal with narcissistic people in the work environment? I seem to find an awful lot of them there, and as soon as I’m triggered I quit. I’d like to be able to deal with them instead. Thanks
I did a video on it early on when I just started on YT. But I think it depends on who is the narcissist (different if it's your boss or a coworker), and what the major issues are, but I'd say working on emotional reactivity would be helpful in all cases. Tame your triggers - because when you're easily triggered, you're easily manipulated.
Here's that old video, maybe you'll find it helpful ruclips.net/video/ZpLMaY7B6XI/видео.htmlsi=8T4jX6HZXOlKTmLm
@@CommonEgo thank you 😊
My girlfriend said, “once my ex sees you she’s going to laugh so hard and tell everyone she knows how funny it is that I’m dating a fatty, but idc what she thinks, you’re beautiful to me.” I didn’t know how to take that compliment?????
Now, THAT is a back-handed compliment. You should be very careful moving forward with this person. You deserve better.
She called you a fatty, but she doesn;t care that you are overweight in her eyes. Just make sure she's genuine in that. If it hurt your feelings, maybe you should communicate it with her. Personally i think its mean to tell you that and her friend sounds like a mean person. Why is it funny to make fun of who someone is dating based on their appearance. Shallow people.
Being fat isn't irreversible. But to my experience the willingness to delivering backhanded compliments like that, are.
Why don't you, in a quite moment, in an open mannor ask what she meant by saying that? You have definitely thought about it, otherwise you wouldn't have written it here. So the fact that she said so, means something to you. Take that seriously.
TL: "This other toxic person _will_ shame you for something that's at least _somewhat_ outside your control, and relates to your body image question. I'm telling you that if I cared about that, or if it were a dealbreaker...? You'd know. I respect your potential sensitivity on this, and-- shocker-- you _yourself_ matter more to me than those."
@@normanclatcher what is TL?
Be aware in the beginning and watch out for your feelings! Do you feel great because of all the compliments, but at the same time somehow insecure and not enough or have to prove yourself?
Bad sign! Their manipulation starts very subtile.
This all fell into place a couple days ago, and I'm very grateful. Now I understand much of what has transpired over many years. A huge feeling of relief! Thank you!
My mom drops all semblances of covertness when you straight up disagree with her. I quit walking on eggshells and just started speaking my mind a couple years ago when it comes to disagreements and she absolutely cannot handle it.
Stringing you along
I also nod along to stories and automatically reply, but I have adhd and disassociation and frequently mask being there when I’m not. It’s not a lack of interest it’s just an inability to keep attention for long enough
Are you able to contrate on things you love and are passionate about??
@@raeray8245 Hyperfixation and becoming hyperfocused is also one of the characteristics of ADHD.. now, being able to have that same drive with the rest of life is a different story 😆.. I'm diagnosed adhd.. but I'm Inattentive Type 1 formely known as ADD. I don't interrupt often or dominate conversations like Type 2 is more commonly known for.. but if someone is very talkative and going on and on, yes, I lose interest and dissociate, no longer fully engaged.. it's like I become overstimulated in the moment and have to protect my psyche and nervous system from being overloaded with their ongoing stimuli (long winded talkers).
@@ThisIsNotMyHome Believe me, story of my life. But if it's do or die- we can concentrate on it. ;) A lot of normal activity is made into a disorder so the pharma-cnts can medicate us. Parasite cleansing is therapeutic for concentration and brain health.
@@raeray8245 yes, along with balancing our bio rhythm cycles which can also lead to chronic illness and symptoms, diet, limiting daily exposure to toxins, etc. As for the diagnosis of ADHD, I believe mine is more a result of cptsd and nervous system dysfunction.. due to reasons also mentioned and related to or of.. most illness boils down to being in a state of imbalance. I'm currently on my healing journey.. it's um.. extensive.. so not an easy fix but I'm pushing forward nonetheless.. (and yes, I am already in the process of parasite cleansing and detoxing etc.. in addition to many other things.)
I have seen many narcs in my life, one pattern in them all is LAZINESS...look out for it, they will do bare minimum and back off when they can.
Yes!!!! SO MUCH YES! They are extremely lazy! They do as little as possible and get away with it! We see it, but things don’t and won’t change. I’m so glad you mentioned this!!
Our actions speak louder than our words!
Backhanded compliment: "I don't know why you wear those heels! You think they do something for you but they don't" He said this the day I got out of inpatient treatment because he had convinced me I was paranoid and needed treatment (he was doing everything I was "paranoid" of). This was said as we were leaving home to celebrate my "improvement". He claimed it was a compliment meaning I don't need high heels to be pretty....🙄
Thank you, you are so right to the point. Your enlightenment will make me heal.
It's (always) so harsh to hear exactly how my mother 'is'... 😢
Narcissist- (n) anyone that a woman dislikes
It can go both ways. Both men and women have huge egos. That’s why I’m never “looking for a friend” they must come to me. I trust the universe and my intuition
I have/ had a so called Christian friend, he’s married with grownup kids, he is 60+ as am I. For years he has gas lit me, telling me how I have a problem with his kids ( who are hostile & down right rude to me & have been for years ) . I’m a straight male & every time my friend drinks he begins to make sexual advances towards me & blames me for “ making him feel that way “ . When I eventually distanced myself from him, by ignoring his battery of emails & phone calls, he called the cops on me, telling them that I’m violent, dangerous & going to harm myself, or others, then, a day later, I came home from the supermarket & found him sitting in my kitchen having a beer ! I asked him to leave, he laughed in my face, then left . Creepy !
Yes!!!, its always OKAY TO have a different opinion !!😮😮 🎉🎉😊😼✅️