I definitely feel that. My parents never touched me and rarely yelled at me but almost every day they were screaming at each other. When I was young my anxiety crept up when they were both alone in a room together. I thought every conversation had the potential to turn into an argument. Eventually I got into the habit of going for walks around the neighborhood if they were fighting. Couldn't bring myself to fully run away. I was just glad there was a library half a mile from my house and a 24 hour Walmart two miles away. Still, even at 32 I get extremely stressed if I hear any kind raised voice or argument
I feel like trauma response is different for everyone. I never tried to run, I turned everything in on myself, saying if I were better, more perfect my mom wouldn’t have to drink and get rough, my dad would actually see me, come to the concerts and solo competitions I did during high school school. The only time he really spent time was with softball, and a lot of that was for his own ego, which I didn’t see as a teenager. I just thought I had to be fine all the time, perfect grades, win awards, etc. I ended up spiraling into anorexia and self harm just trying to keep that perfect image up, and when my mom would get drunk and physical it was my fault. I would also put myself in her line of fire to protect my baby sister, who was only a year old. I loved my mom, it was who she became in her disease that was so hard. She died in her early 40s from liver and kidney failure, which made me blame myself. I will never forget when I hit rock bottom and by the grace of God woke up in the ICU, by this time I was constantly being hospitalized and tube fed with an IV to be hydrated. I will never forget my dad and step mom showing up in the ICU telling me how stupid and selfish I was. They got kicked out by a doc, but that was when I really started to realize I wanted to live and move forward. I think that trauma has a way of going dormant. I thought I had it under control, I was happy, I was ill loving being a mom to my step kids, but the day my fiancé came home after graduating drug court with two tall cans that trauma came right back. I knew I needed to get the hell away, but that trauma response said I had to stay, had to love him through it, had to be there for those kids, and found out I was pregnant with my son. I stayed when he was only sober at work, when he would tell me how worthless I was, and I stayed when the physical abuse started. Even after he put me in the hospital I protected him for way too long. For me it all came to a head when he threw me on the floor in front of my son. I had lied to myself that I kept him protected from it, but in that moment when my little boy covered his ears and started rocking I realized it had to stop because now he was being traumatized. Been just him and me since 2017, and it is hard raising a child with autism all alone, but we’re free. I can buy whatever color clothes, bedding, etc when before it everything had to be black, even the Christmas tree. I’ve been in a plastic recovery from my anorexia, and I’m able to use what I’ve been through to help others. I write, I mentor young girls at risk for eating disorders, I raise awareness for the things I’ve endured, and I’m raising this incredibly sweet boy. I don’t think the trauma ever goes completely away, but we learn how to manage it, how to see those triggers, and the best ways to work through them. I call a friend, write, or sing. We are given a choice, we can allow our pain to destroy us, or we give that pain a purpose and help others. Sorry, I’m long winded when I’m passionate about something 😊
Sending you big hugs!!!! I can relate to your story a lot. Abusive mother (but only to me not my siblings) , drunk dad and me feeling responsible for all of it. My breaking point was when she punched me in the stomach while my son was sitting with me after my hysterectomy. She went home and we cut off contact with the family. It’s so hard but it’s not healthy. Some days I wish I had a mom that actually loved me then I snap to and realize that my abusive mother taught me how not to act. I wouldn’t ever give her the satisfaction of thanking her for being a good mom (because it’s not true) but right before we cut ties, I did tell her that I was thankful that she showed me the type of mom I didn’t want to be. Stay strong, love!!!!! I’m happy to give you my IG so I can send you my number if you need to talk. It’s hard living in a world built around having two parents that love you and truly care about it you when that isn’t your reality. 💜
I'm living with my mom at 30....it's not anywhere near as bad for me though. We didn't have a great relationship during my childhood but we've been building a really strong relationship since I moved in with her and my step dad. I've even started enjoying spending time with both of them. I'm sorry you didn't get that man, but I'm glad to hear you're doing good regardless.
I can agree with you and understand completely. When I got out of rehab, I went back to my mom’s house both her and my stepfather were alcoholics and they would constantly bicker and fight and for a guy recovering. It was the worst environment ever. Whether you’re getting out of prison or some type of rehabilitation, think about a safe space to rebuild and move forward.
Everything starts to make sense after all the years! It's so scary when you get triggered and it conjures up the past that was so traumatic! That was a clear sign that you needed to get out! Your time in prison gave you a chance for a good education and lots of work experience! You learned so many life lessons and you're a changed man! Staying away from a toxic environment is the only way to survive!
prison, never been but i would imagine it feels like a sense of security where if you dont do anything wrong then you wont suffer a lot like you would, feeling trapped and hopeless as you would as a kid in your room hearing your abusive parents fight with the thoughrs in your head saying to run away but you dont want to suffer being caught and experiencing consequences you cant escape
I think it's awesome you've the gift of discernment to recognize a genuine trigger to a very hurt and battered inner child. Forgiving ourselves (recognizing your 'bad behaviors' were coping mechanisms, not acting out) is the most important step, and the hardest part, to growth and healing.
I haven't went to the extreme of getting locked up but I am a runner as well.. anytime things get uncomfortable I bail to a different state .you make a lot of sense to me..I didn't necessarily like hearing it but maybe its time i start dealing with my fucked up childhood
I definitely feel that. My parents never touched me and rarely yelled at me but almost every day they were screaming at each other. When I was young my anxiety crept up when they were both alone in a room together. I thought every conversation had the potential to turn into an argument. Eventually I got into the habit of going for walks around the neighborhood if they were fighting. Couldn't bring myself to fully run away. I was just glad there was a library half a mile from my house and a 24 hour Walmart two miles away. Still, even at 32 I get extremely stressed if I hear any kind raised voice or argument
I feel like trauma response is different for everyone. I never tried to run, I turned everything in on myself, saying if I were better, more perfect my mom wouldn’t have to drink and get rough, my dad would actually see me, come to the concerts and solo competitions I did during high school school. The only time he really spent time was with softball, and a lot of that was for his own ego, which I didn’t see as a teenager. I just thought I had to be fine all the time, perfect grades, win awards, etc. I ended up spiraling into anorexia and self harm just trying to keep that perfect image up, and when my mom would get drunk and physical it was my fault. I would also put myself in her line of fire to protect my baby sister, who was only a year old. I loved my mom, it was who she became in her disease that was so hard. She died in her early 40s from liver and kidney failure, which made me blame myself. I will never forget when I hit rock bottom and by the grace of God woke up in the ICU, by this time I was constantly being hospitalized and tube fed with an IV to be hydrated. I will never forget my dad and step mom showing up in the ICU telling me how stupid and selfish I was. They got kicked out by a doc, but that was when I really started to realize I wanted to live and move forward.
I think that trauma has a way of going dormant. I thought I had it under control, I was happy, I was ill loving being a mom to my step kids, but the day my fiancé came home after graduating drug court with two tall cans that trauma came right back. I knew I needed to get the hell away, but that trauma response said I had to stay, had to love him through it, had to be there for those kids, and found out I was pregnant with my son. I stayed when he was only sober at work, when he would tell me how worthless I was, and I stayed when the physical abuse started. Even after he put me in the hospital I protected him for way too long.
For me it all came to a head when he threw me on the floor in front of my son. I had lied to myself that I kept him protected from it, but in that moment when my little boy covered his ears and started rocking I realized it had to stop because now he was being traumatized. Been just him and me since 2017, and it is hard raising a child with autism all alone, but we’re free. I can buy whatever color clothes, bedding, etc when before it everything had to be black, even the Christmas tree. I’ve been in a plastic recovery from my anorexia, and I’m able to use what I’ve been through to help others. I write, I mentor young girls at risk for eating disorders, I raise awareness for the things I’ve endured, and I’m raising this incredibly sweet boy. I don’t think the trauma ever goes completely away, but we learn how to manage it, how to see those triggers, and the best ways to work through them. I call a friend, write, or sing. We are given a choice, we can allow our pain to destroy us, or we give that pain a purpose and help others. Sorry, I’m long winded when I’m passionate about something 😊
That was amazing. Thank you for sharing!
Sending you big hugs!!!! I can relate to your story a lot. Abusive mother (but only to me not my siblings) , drunk dad and me feeling responsible for all of it. My breaking point was when she punched me in the stomach while my son was sitting with me after my hysterectomy. She went home and we cut off contact with the family. It’s so hard but it’s not healthy. Some days I wish I had a mom that actually loved me then I snap to and realize that my abusive mother taught me how not to act. I wouldn’t ever give her the satisfaction of thanking her for being a good mom (because it’s not true) but right before we cut ties, I did tell her that I was thankful that she showed me the type of mom I didn’t want to be. Stay strong, love!!!!! I’m happy to give you my IG so I can send you my number if you need to talk. It’s hard living in a world built around having two parents that love you and truly care about it you when that isn’t your reality. 💜
I'm living with my mom at 30....it's not anywhere near as bad for me though. We didn't have a great relationship during my childhood but we've been building a really strong relationship since I moved in with her and my step dad. I've even started enjoying spending time with both of them. I'm sorry you didn't get that man, but I'm glad to hear you're doing good regardless.
Look’s like you’re doing great!
Good job, my man.
Stay golden!
I can agree with you and understand completely. When I got out of rehab, I went back to my mom’s house both her and my stepfather were alcoholics and they would constantly bicker and fight and for a guy recovering. It was the worst environment ever. Whether you’re getting out of prison or some type of rehabilitation, think about a safe space to rebuild and move forward.
Nice shirt dawg. Fr
This video hit different... You're not alone. We do recover, my friend. ❤
Everything starts to make sense after all the years!
It's so scary when you get triggered and it conjures up the past that was so traumatic!
That was a clear sign that you needed to get out!
Your time in prison gave you a chance for a good education and lots of work experience! You learned so many life lessons and you're a changed man! Staying away from a toxic environment is the only way to survive!
I needed to hear this
prison, never been but i would imagine it feels like a sense of security
where if you dont do anything wrong then you wont suffer a lot like you would, feeling trapped and hopeless as you would as a kid in your room hearing your abusive parents fight with the thoughrs in your head saying to run away but you dont want to suffer being caught and experiencing consequences you cant escape
You are good at heart and you are learning from your past! Jag önskar dig allt gott på vägen! Tor vid din sida!
Damn
...another boy ruined by a single mother household... who had to go deconstruct and rebuild himself because of unseen abuse and trauma
I think it's awesome you've the gift of discernment to recognize a genuine trigger to a very hurt and battered inner child.
Forgiving ourselves (recognizing your 'bad behaviors' were coping mechanisms, not acting out) is the most important step, and the hardest part, to growth and healing.
I'm happy for you to come to these conclusions, stay hydrated 🤙
I understand what your saying
And how is that related to baby reindeer? Other than it being emotionally traumatic?
I just finished the series and this is what it made me think of
Amen
I haven't went to the extreme of getting locked up but I am a runner as well.. anytime things get uncomfortable I bail to a different state .you make a lot of sense to me..I didn't necessarily like hearing it but maybe its time i start dealing with my fucked up childhood