"Why have you never cared" That's the crux of it. She feels like her parents don't care. Their love isn't unconditional. It does come with conditions. And she doesn't feel safe in that relationship to be vulnerable.
@@surlespasdondine It's always been there yes, but any time Emily opens up and is vulnerable and says something nice to Lorelei's aka while they were drinking and she calls Lorelai a kayak she ruins it in the morning by reverting to form and being cold and dismissive. Lorelai comes down to breakfast not only not in a rush to leave, but wanting to sit down with her mother and Emily shuts it down. For all Lorelai's faults she is a kind and loyal person and gives Emily way more chances than she deserves. The saying blood is thicker than water is not always true and if you want a relationship with someone then you have to accept them as they are and be willing to meet them halfway.
I think Emily and some audience members willfully misunderstand Lorelai. She's not unwilling to be vulnerable with her parents because she wants to hurt them. She's afraid to be vulnerable because she's afraid they'll use it against her or default to being cold and critical. And of course, in Gilmore-land everything comes with strings.
@@daykibaran9668 She had the best character growth - albeit with a few moments of backsliding into past behaviors. Still no clue what the hell that 'letter' was and who sent it. I refuse to believe it was Lorelai.
Yes but rewatching as an adult Loreali repeats some very toxic patterns with Rory-she very much has a path in mind for Rory and whenever Rory doesn’t do what Loreali wants Loreali’s response is to stonewall Rory.
You didn't comment on it but I also love how much Lorelai DESPERATELY wants to crack a joke about the idea of wearing a tiara - and relents when she sees that Emily obviously loved wearing hers and making a joke would hurt her. This scene is lovely.
On another note, I think the reason why Emily is still such a fan favourite despite her being so unlikable on paper (not just with her daughter but her snobbiness and classism) is due to Kelly’s acting. Kelly brings so much subtlety and layers to Emily’s character that although she’s incredibly frustrating at times, we feel for her too. Same with Lorelai and Richard too. There characters have to potential to be the most insufferable and grating characters ever but Lauren, Edward (RIP) and Kelly just make them so human
Kelly’s said in an interview that in her family, she was like Rory, in the sense that she got along great with her mother and her mother had a strained relationship with her grandma. So she’s playing her own grandma and she loved doing that. Yes, Emily is a great character to watch on TV, but it’d be awful to know someone like her irl
@@MaluCLBSadding to that didn't she also wanted to play Emily as unlikeable as possible? Interesting that people don't see the emotional abuse lorelai went through and intentify Emily as "sassy" and when lorelai does the same "braggy". Speaks volumes about how we treat psychological violence imo.
Its also always her that apologies because she knows if she's not doing it her mother will ice her out even though she wanted to protect herself like with the proposal where Emily didn't speak for two weeks with her daughter. When lorelai does the same when emily invited christopher to her renewing the wedding vows, because she wanted to destroy the relationship with luke, she is suddenly the victim and everyone feels for her when she comes to Luke to beg him getting together with lorelai when SHE willingly takes apart her daughters happiness. I am so ready for jono to analyse the scene. Lorelai might not be a win parent but she is certainly a very scarred daughter.
@@not-a-ghost2206 I never felt bad for Emily at that point. I despised her for ruining her daughter’s happiness and cheered when Lorelai actually stood up to her and told her off. I even loved that she knew it was just Emily and continued to talk to her father. Like you said Lorelai may not be parent of the year either, but Rory always felt secure in knowing her mother loved her which Lorelai didn’t get from her parents and that’s terrible.
Exactly! I don't understand how Lorelai is considered bratty when she is the one always apologizing, always the one giving an olive branch. Constantly trying to fix the issues. And somehow Lorelai is the problem? 🙄
I agree but also Lorelai is right when she says it’s her thing to tell and she’ll do it when she feels ready to do it. Her parents are not safe people and her waiting so long to tell them is a direct result of that.
Yeah but she still should of told Sookie not to say anything. I don't blame Sookie for accidentally spilling the beans because she didn't know Emily didn't know. Hate to say it, but that's on Lorelai for that slight oversight that ended up being blown out of proportion.
@@TimberlakeTigerGirl agree, but with the context of, when it comes to Lorelai's relationship with her parents, Sookie isn't always a safe person to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I love Sookie, and is in general a wonderful friend (all that work she put into throwing a party for Lorelai so her friend would feel loved? Amazing), but when it comes to Lorelai's parents there's an aura of 'it couldn't have been that bad' or 'it must be better now'. I will also concede that Lorelai maybe hasn't been fully open and vulnerable about *everything* in her childhood, but when testing the water rubs salt in the wound, you're not going to go for a swim. I do think Sookie would have respected Lorelai's wishes (because, again, great friend), but Lorelai likely didn't feel safe communicating those wishes to Sookie ... Speaking from the experience of someone who didn't truly open up to another human until I was in my 20s, in part because whenever I would try to see if someone was safe to be vulnerable with (including a licensed therapist), I'd see warning signs of boiling water, and so just shut down that vulnerability.
I once heard a podcast talk about 'rage baiting' on social media and they said something interesting that I always kept with me: Anger is a drug. Anger releases all these hormones and endorfins in your brains and it feels so, soooo much better than sadness. Anger feels like control, like taking action, sadness feels helpless, like you're losing control. Many people would do almost anything to turn sadness into anger if they have the chance, because anger and lashing out feels powerful and sadness or vulnerability does not. And passive aggressiveness is not called 'aggressive' for nothing - it's a form of anger, it's a form of trying to hurt the 'bad people' back. Once anger was explained like an addiction to me it was so much easier to resist from getting angry back and to extend a little more grace instead. If we keep that in mind it makes it much
That does make sense. Getting angry does feel like a power trip. Also it can feel very out of control like I am drunk with it. When the Boundaries book explained that anger is a sign of my boundaries being crossed I actually felt grateful because before that I thought I was a terrible person for ever feeling angry and I was afraid to ever feel it. Instead anger became a tool to help me know what my boundary was and to state it in a clear and defined way. I feel less angry in general now because I have learned how to set better boundaries for myself and make sure I know what my needs are and how to meet them appropriately.
I've seen this show so many times, but this is the first time I ever got choked up at Emily's line, "That's what I wore." I had never noticed her little flinch of self-doubt before either, and I think just that simple little choice from Kelly Bishop added so much vulnerability and tenderness to that line that she rarely gets to show. Emily is trapped in a lot of ways by both her class and her generation (Kelly Bishop was born in 1944, so she's at the tail end of the Silent Generation). It simply wasn't the way most people understood parenting at the time that parents should ever apologize to their children. Conventional wisdom stated that parents were the authority figures and children were supposed to comply and that was that. That mindset was no doubt amplified by their SES and the demands to keep up appearances that came with it. When she suggested Lorelai wear a tiara, that was as far as she could go in that moment. She was clearly battling some really entrenched stuff, both culturally-informed like I just mentioned and her personal experiences with Lorelai, to even say that. The fact that Lorelai took it as intended makes it one of the rare moments where they are actually able to meet each other where they are. It's not perfect, but they both saw the other trying, which is so much more important.
Kelly Bishop is so brilliant at showing Emily’s depths in that moment. She is so trapped by her class and generation as you said. I feel like a lot of people don’t see this. Emily is doing her best with the emotional tools she was given - which is to say, none. Or rather, she has emotional battle axes and that’s it. She is constantly lashing out. But she does try.
I wish you would have included the scene after Sookie’s phone call. Where Emily goes in and tells Richard to call and apologize to Rory after being rude to Dean at dinner. Emily tells Richard that Lorelai is getting married and didn’t tell them. That when Rory decides to get married she wants Rory to tell them. It’s probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire show. I felt so bad for Emily. Her eyes were full of so much hurt when she told Richard and her crying after she leaves the room broke my heart.
And it is a rare moment where Emily admits that if her relationship with Lorelei is bad, their behavior has been part of the reason. She can’t say it to Lorelei but she knows. Back in season 1 she also admits to Richard that she doesn’t know Lorelei at all and again wouldn’t it be lovely if she could say that to Lorelei instead of behind her back. In later seasons Emily does have moments where she connects with her daughter. Unfortunately I think Emily has her own emotional problems or even mental health issues going on. There’s an episode called Scenes from a Mall in season 4 that makes my heart break for Emily, even though she’s really not behaving well. You’ll get there Jono.
I agree. This scene should be therapized and mothers need to be told this! If they realise why their children feel as Lorelai does THEY need to make amends. Saying it's Lorelai's fault for being petty and immature is unbelievable. Really starting to lose credibility there, @MendedLight.
@readMEinkbooks He is right though. Mending relationships takes both parties or all parties involved to put an effort. Emily definitely has issues to work on regarding being more accepting. But it would amount to nothing if Lorelai doesn't put any effort into teaching Emily how to do so and by learning to open up if and when there is progress.
@@TimberlakeTigerGirl Yes, mending relationships takes both people. Unfortunately, anyone who has had a mother like Emily would know the despair and fear Lorelai has of opening up to her mother and that it would Emily to make the first moves and for these to be consistent before Lorelai would trust her enough to open up. And until Emily decides to change, nothing Lorelai does would 'teach' her. Emily would take it as capitulation and submission, which is exactly what she wants.
I think the best part of all this for me, is knowing that in real life, Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel considered Emily Bishop their psuedo-mother/grandmother. She constantly referred to them as "my girls" and would give them advice, friendship and caring all the years of the shows, in between and after. Watching behind the scenes about the shows gave powerful evidence of that. So it really shows you what dedicated and talented actors they are, but what an excellent relationship these people (and Edward Herrmann) had to be able to trust each other enough to go to these dark places. You really have to feel safe to bring that depth of emotion. So I consider and ponder those dynamics just as much as the character arcs that they go through.
This is one of my favorite scenes in the entire series. It's a scene I've watched hundreds of times. I've NEVER noticed the shift in Emily's eyes after the "big head" comment before, only registered the hurt in her eyes when Lorelai cries out that Emily has never cared. Well-done!
This scene makes me get teary eyed..the subtle olive branches and the longing of emily to share bits of her own wedding to pass down,much like a healthier mother daughter relationship might ❤ the acting is wonderful
And when Emily said she wore a tiara, she's implying that she, too, has a big head which kinda makes the blow from "your head is too big" hurt a bit less. 😂
I'm a daughter who has had to teach my mother a lot about conflict and repair. I love this video because it highlights Lorelai's strengths. But there is also such a huge cost in being a daughter who is looking for love from a mother who does not understand how to give it safely.
Yes, you are not supposed to have to teach your mother how to care for you. I think that gets skipped over in these videos. Also, a parent has to be safe, so the child can get vulnerable. Not the other way around.
Thanks for reviewing GG and these two characters especially. For Lorelai, it’s so easy to see how she could develop resentment because for decades, the ways she felt slighted by her parents as their only child was ever really directly addressed by her parents in the show. A lot of people like Emily because of Kelly Bishop’s immaculate performance (I do too!)… but many of them would say that while they enjoy her as a character, they would not like her as someone they would regularly encounter in real life. So it’s great for shows like these to peel back the layers of these complex characters like Emily so we can exercise empathy or at least some level of understanding for them, because it’s SO HARD in real life when we don’t feel like they’re ever on our side, and even when someone is about us, they tend to make it about them… Credit to Lorelai for frequently trying to meet her parents halfway and seeing that they won’t change unless they want to… and for a little bit they did for Rory and not for her. And instead of envying that, she appreciated it. She’s not without her flaws, but she’s inspiring to me in that way. (It’s also my headcanon she is an ADHDer so that way of dancing around things is quite fitting to her neurotype, and I get that, trust me. But I still love her for forging forward, even if 99% of the time, it’s not how others would want her to do things.)
I just wanted to say again how much I appreciate your balanced take on the relationships in this show. As someone who relates more to Lorelai in these scenes, I tend to feel like Emily doesn't do enough to reciprocate Lorelai's apology, but you helped me see here that for Lorelai, what she does give is enough for now. And you're right about Kelly Bishop's acting. I think what strikes me about Emily's face when she recommends the tiara is that she looks *open.* Emily's "resting bitch face" is like a mask, it holds her emotions in and keeps other people's away-- it's a closed expression. But in that moment, she looks open and vulnerable and human and beautiful.
I feel like Emily looks scared when she suggests a tiara. Because is her being the most vulnerable she can be. Trying to reach out and uncovering something about herself (while Lorelai often would make jokes about something like this)
This is one of the reasons I haven't gotten back in touch with my mother after almost 3 years of no contact. Because I'm Lorelai in that situation and would drop all the nastiness on top of her. I want to have a mature conversation with her, but I'm just too scared for her reaction and selfishness. And the longer there hasn't been any contact, the more difficult it gets to actually reach out
Reminds me of the relationship I have with my brother. All i want is to have a mature conversation with him, but instead he always pushes me away. It hurts because i want to be in his life. It hurts so much not speaking to him, but that’s the only way I know how to deal with the situation.
I had a period of about 5 years where I withdrew from my mom’s life. I got therapy to sort out my feelings. Then I just slowly started contact. First by writing a note to say hello once in a while. Positive updates on my life. Ending with hope you are doing well. Then she wrote back. We slowly started light hearted emails. I didn’t react when she would normally trigger me. I just sort of thought. There it is. The broken part. Of her. But changed the subject or was empathetic. It changed the dynamics. I had to let go of being right. My mom had a lot of issues and was great at being manipulative and making me feel guilty. Once I put that aside and redirected the conversation she lost that train of thought and things were easier. Don’t get me wrong, I had to have an excuse to get off the phone sometimes before I got too mad but it was fine. The older I got the more I got to know her as a full person not just the all powerful mother . I hope you can reconcile with her. I never had a conversation specifically about what pushed us apart because in my case she wasn’t self aware enough so instead I just learned to have a nice grown up relationship with her. Less mother and daughter angst if that makes sense. She seemed to open up more to me. I asked her about her growing up. Took an interest in learning about her life before I came along etc. it helped. Good luck.
@@wcoasttigger thank you so much for writing this, it gives me hope. My brother in law (the only mature and responsible adult in this family), told me something similar, to start small with just lighthearted updates. I'm still so scared she will immediately cross a boundary, so I know I'm not ready for that yet. I have my last therapy session next week after almost 2 years of intense work, and I know it doesn't stop there. As my therapist says: we get you to 70%, that last 30% you have to do on your own, and you CAN do it on your own. And reading your comment makes me realise that that is the last 30%. Trying, testing new waters, sometimes being blunt about your boundaries, getting triggered, learning how to navigate this new relationship you're trying to build. It's okay for me to not have contact yet, I'm still working on things. I will get to it when I'm ready.
It breaks my heart that in their relationship, Lorelai always has to be the one to offer repair and connection. And Emily either acts like a heartless person or an immature child because she's too proud to make a move.
Jonathan: "Why are you making Lorelai take the lead on apologies almost all the time?" My brain: "Where you lead, I will follow~...Anywhere that you tell me to~...If you need, you need me to be with you~...I will follow where you lead~"
Jonathan, I got emotional with you at the end of the scene... That level of healthy dialogue and (even a little bit of) healing is rare in Gilmore Girls, and Lauren and Kelly played it beautifully. I have a favorite episode: season 2, ep. 16, when they both go to a spa and later to a bar. It would be awsome if you could comment on their dynamics in this episode!
I think that was an excellent take on this scene. I loved the acting there too. As a theatre teacher, this is the stuff I use for examples when telling my students "Show, don't tell" (for acting) Accountability is so hard. But even after all these years, you can see how much Lorelei craves her mom's approval. It's so scary to be vulnerable with someone like Emily.
I love the character of Emily, been watching this show for decades at this point and my opinion of the characters changes so much as I do. I used to hate Emily and love Lorelei, then I shifted to being annoyed at how childish Lorelei is, but now that I'm older you can really see how they feed into each other, there really is a lot of love there, it's just covered by poor communication and trying to protect your own feelings in a world that doesn't leave much space for them (the Gilmore world)
Emily reminds me so much of my mom. She’s gotten so much better over the years. She’s not perfect but she’s trying so hard to truly understand me, she respects my boundaries, and she apologizes and takes accountability when she makes a mistake or does something that upsets me. I’m very proud of her and it shows that she’d genuinely rather change than lose me
Love your analysis. It's so frustrating watching the conflicts between Lorelai and Emily due to a lack of communication, but I love this show and the characters.
I think although both Lorelai and Emily don’t communicate well and are very flawed, we see that Lorelai tries and tries (albeit imperfectly) to to make things work with her parents. Not pre-series but once she accepts that they are in her and Rory’s life now, she tries. Emily tries on the occasion, but mostly she just wants Lorelai to fit into the mould she thinks Lorelai should. She may care and love Lorelai in her own way but unless you love your child for who they are and not who you want them to be, that’s not true unconditional love. Yes, you can disagree with their choices and voice that but Emily goes far beyond that. I know they’re both adults now but it always made me sad watching how Lorelai (their child) always had to be the one to make the steps to mend bridges that her parents burned. Of course being hurt by your daughter not telling you she got engaged is completely normal and expected, but never once did she stop to think “why doesn’t my daughter feel able to tell me these things” which would cross my mind if I was in that situation with a loved one. I don’t have a child so I can’t comment on that but when a loved one has done something to hurt me and I know them well enough to know they didn’t do it to spite me, after the initial hurt as passed, I stop and think “why, if they didn’t do it to hurt me, did they feel like that was there only options”
I agree with a lot of what you're saying here, and I think it's interesting to note that Emily *doesn't* seem to know that Lorelai doesn't do things like this to hurt her. Like, when she first saw the potting shed where Lorelai and Rory lived at the Inn, her response was, "You hated us *that* much?" Whereas Lorelai explains her reasoning as much more about her own mental state-- she was deeply unhappy and needed to be somewhere else. Emily's initial response so much of the time seems to be to see whatever Lorelai does as just to spite her parents-- maybe because it's easier to see her as a spiteful person than to ask, as you say, what they might have done or what kind of environment they created to prompt her to respond that way.
@@Imilana_da_Rodinliterally, I don’t like how Jono was interpreting this like it was a relationship of equals. As a parent, it’s your job to make at least a bit more effort to mend bridges with your children. It can’t be them who are expected to be the “bigger person” or the more mature one.
If you think that Lorelai often comes across as petty and immature then you don't understand the depth of hurt and despair that she has lived with because of her mother's utterly appalling behaviour her entire life.
But it DOES excuse it doesn't it? I would never tell stuff like this to a family member who is so controlling, judgy, manipulative or even hostile towards me often...
I absolutely LOVED this show. I was in high school when it first came out and always thought Emily was just a jerk and harsh with Lorelei for no reason, but the more I watch this show, the more I realize shes not a jerk AT ALL, she's just hurt and so is Lorelei.
I see the dynamics between my mother and me in this sequence. I agree that both Emily and Lorelai should give excuses because both of them are adults and have their personal contribution to the problem. At the same time I fully understand the comment saying that Emily should make amends first. One of the most frustrating things growing up in that kind of context is - as a child and a teenager - having to deal with myself and my mother's hurt child at the same time: that the person who should set the frame for a constructive conflict resolution/show emotion management does not provide it... and the consequences of that are tremendous and infiltrate soooo many aspects of (my) life. I like about Lorelai that when she has conflicts, she is grateful for any small movement in the right direction. She does not put her counterpart under the pressure of HER expectations and her gratitude shows up as a very supportive to de-escalate and (indirectly) solve the conflict.
I’ve watched Gilmore Girls probably 8 times through, I think every time I watch that last scene I cry. Seeing them both take a step in the right direction makes me emotional. I fear I’m the Lorelai who can’t get over the feeling of being 16.
I loved that Emily suggested the tiara. I wish Lorelai would have said, "Oh, I'd love to see it." I think it would have brought Emily a little closer to Lorelai, concerning the wedding.
Yes! I thought so too! Doesn't matter, if Lorelai likes tiaras or not, just showing interest in Emily's past and her wedding dress and that tiara, they could've had a wonderful moment together and who knows, maybe enjoying talking more about Lorelai's wedding. That would've been a possibility for Emily to see the type of person Lorelai is, what she believes to be a perfect wedding - because for Emily, she always imagined "the Romanovs - winter and snow", she views her daughter as royalty, as princess, which in my opinion is endearing, but so off, considering who Lorelai truly is as a person.
This was my favourite show when I was young. It’s cool seeing it being watched by a new generation and audience now. Then to see influencers comment and share their ideas is pretty cool!
I disagree with a blanket "just be honest" policy. It is important to show up genuinely and with integrity, to not spread actual lies and misinformation for selfish reasons. But it is also okay to not share information with people that don't make you feel safe, especially if it is something that doesn't directly concern them. You don't have to come out to people who you are not comfortable coming out to, even if they're your parents. You don't owe the details of your private life to anyone who doesn't make you feel safe. It may be good to work on the relationship if it's one that you care about so that you get to a point where you feel safe, but it is not mandatory.
Yeah the whole blood is thicker thing is just not true. Other than my mom and my grandparents, most of my family are people who I'm not actually related to, but consider family. From life experience I have learned that trust is earned and just because I share blood with someone does not mean I owe them anything. At 42 years old I am not going to go out of my way for someone who wouldn't do the same for me. That's not to say I expect anything of people I love and I will move mountains for my loved ones, but I have had people in my life who have thought it was okay to disrespect me and show zero interest in me as an actual person (likes and dislikes, medical health etc.), but then will turn around and claim I should treat my family (them) better. If you only want me around when you need someone to inflate your ego and make you feel like you're a good person then I'm not the person to do that. I'm mostly a people pleaser so if I've written you off then I had a very good reason.
I love the concept of “moving towards” or “moving away” bc it is dynamic and context dependent. It was small, but Emily’s step towards Lorelei and connecting will further their relationship - however short the distance ❤
I've watched this series 10+ times, and I've never noticed Emily's tinge of regret after she says "Your head is much too big for a veil". I've always focused on Lorelai in that moment because Emily's comment wasn't surprising to me in any way. I'm used to her bluntness. Interesting...
I get that it hurt Emily that Lorelai didn’t tell her she was engaged, but how could Emily seriously think that after being cut out of her daughter/granddaughter’s life for 16 years that Lorelai would just be an open book? I wish when Lorelai told her Emily had calmly explained that Sookie already called but that it’s ok and she’s just glad Lorelai told her and she’s happy to be included whenever Lorelai’s ready to share big life moments with her.
That’s a good moment of imagining what a healthy relationship would look like. It’s been so healing to me to imagine this in different tense situations.
Personally, I would love to hear your thoughts on the relationship of Emily and Richard's mother (when you get there). That one is a glimpse at Emily's more vulnerable side and it's interesting to see.
This is genuinely a good show to use for breaking it down mental health-wise and use as a teaching and conversation point. Love this series of ML videos. And I love ALL the Mended Light videos! A learn so much useful stuff.
I love the ending. It's so perfect. I love Lorelai being honest for once. That's really what she sees and feels with Emily. That Emily will find a way to make her feel bad about anything good and that's she's there say I told you so when anything bad happens. It's also so big of her to admit she's sure if that's fair.
I have watched this show at least 10 times and, although I have noticed Kelly Bishop's genius acting throughout the show every time, I had never noticed the flinch after she says "your head is much too big for a veil". So thank you for pointing that out!
"Why are they showing this behavior" Lorelai can do that work if she wants but as the "child" (adult daughter) in this situation, she doesn't owe her mother teaching her that. She's not the parent. She can choose to, but she doesn't owe it. And at some point, a parent can make themselves unsafe enough to talk to that as little contact as possible just makes more sense. And I don't give a flying fuck how that makes the parent feel.
I could pay boatloads of money and time on therapy sessions and not learn what I learn from this channel. I'm constantly amazed at the quality and value I get from Mended Light. Your videos are consistently packed with valuable / actionable education and skill for effective mental health, communication and relationship skills. You guys are amazing. ❤👏🔥💯✨
There is something that I think that you totally missed, Jono. When Emily said, "That is what I wore." She was admitting that she did not wear a veil because either she herself felt that her head was too big for a veil, or that someone when Emily was a young bride told her that her head was too big for a veil. Lorelei obviously picked up on it, by her expression. So, when the words came out of Emily's mouth, she probably remembered how she felt when either she herself thought that or someone told her.
Family relationships is kinda a complicated topic. I believe not every person is cut out for being a parent. We can see that even through a big fight, Emily is still stubborn and reluctant to change. She doesn't respect her daughter and decisions she's making are being strongly criticized. There's no even a discussion, who's right and wrong. Emily as an older human being, should've been wiser and supportive, no matter what your kids up to if they don't harm themselves and others - no worries should be arisen. Emily needs to go to a therapy, immediately!
I agree that not everyone is cut out to be a parent, but I think it's also worth remembering that what it means to be a good parent changed pretty drastically during Emily's lifetime. When she was starting her family, it wasn't really considered necessary to be super involved in your child's life the way we expect parents to be now. So long as you provided for all their material needs, got them a solid education (and for high-SES folks like the Gilmores, made sure they had the right connections), you'd done it. Emily definitely did those things, so it's understandable that she's confused at Lorelai's resentment toward her. As far as she was concerned, she understood the assignment, she did what she was supposed to do, so Lorelai must be wrong. To even get as far as she has in that last scene, Emily has had to fight pretty much every instinct she has about how she's supposed to behave as a mother. Is there room for improvement? Obviously. But it's at least a start.
@@BALTHAZAAR58 The issue isn't that Emily was uninvolved, nor was that an expectation for parents in the 70's. Emily was cold and critical long after the time when we had learned that children need to be shown loving affection and to be nurtured.
I think that what makes those relationships often so impossible is the fact you can't just let go of your parents for many reasons. You might feel like they've hurt you and the ones you love beyond repair, and it's so confusing when that happens since you're a child... loving someone who's done something that should never be forgiven is tough.
I wish I had access to this video 20 years ago. I had a difficult relationship with my mom, and part of it was because I pushed her away and stopped sharing stuff with her because from my point of view everything I told her seemed to become ammunition for her hurting me in one of her "bad days." We were finally getting better, once I stopped being so angry and hurt and not knowing how to manage those feelings, and then she died. I'll always mourn what could have been.
I just adore your videos! I always learn so much and I also get to have so much more appreciation for the actors (like I didn't have that already). Just... all my respect 👏
That "don't tell you when something bad happens and don't tell you when something good happens" is so my mom and I. I'm fussy when my mom treats me like I can't do anything right. I have had counselling but sometimes it's still difficult.
I love this scene, I too was raised by a parent that had a very hard time apologizing, but you see Emily responding to her daughter’s apology and trying to connect in the only way she knows how.
I wore my mom's tiara from her wedding day on mine. And my mom had an emotionally abusive and critical mom. And I got some of that negativity/ discouragement passed on to me as well... People treat others the way they feel about themselves.
I'm on the episode now where Lorelai is going back and forth between telling her parents about her and Jason Stiles. Love your videos, looking forward to more!
A possible answer your point at 14:20 : Lorelai wasn’t right to explicitly say “you think” but I wonder if Emily implied this seeming lack of care for her opinion with saying “You’re quite capable of choosing that yourself, Lorelai.” earlier to the veil question, and that’s what’s on Lorelai’s mind. I didn’t make that connection myself until this video! I’m currently in a rekindled Gilmore Girls phase myself and it can be fun to zoom through the show but I love that you’re really breaking down these scenes so we can appreciate them and learn from them (and from you!) how we can better navigate these circumstances in our lives.
I would love to know more about Emily’s upbringing and why she is always on a war footing. She is incapable of being vulnerable. She is always ready to fight and attack. Her childhood must have been brutal.
I really love your analysis. So many commentators are always so quick to just label their relationship as toxic abuse, and it is incredibly frustrating. That’s the beauty of this show is each generation is just attempting to do the best they can with their experiences, what they know, and where they are at. There is an episode where Emily literally says that she wasn’t raised this way…she wasn’t taught to be this way…she knows she should be different but she is still trying to figure out how. Which is all of us, right? We are all trying to figure it out with what we have…how we were raised and who we will become and how to reconcile the two. Not to discount actual toxic and abusive family relationships. I just never could bring myself to see this one as such. Because of all of those finite little moments where you see they’re trying to grow and extend each other grace.
A relationship can be toxic and unhealthy and have room to grow into something that isn't. Gilmore Girls is great because it shows that process and how hard and awful it can be - but also the rewards it can ultimately yield. Also, their attempt pretty much immediately yields results for Rory, who has a great relationship with both her grandparents. Sometimes you never get to a place for reconciliation, and it is important to recognize when you (or they) aren't in a space to reconcile - but if you can, it's generally better for everyone if you do.
@@noemipomerleau8219 I agree. I mostly just wanted to point out that people are often too quick to write things off as such without redemption. Or understanding the messiness of it. Relationships like that will ebb and flow like an ocean wave on a shore. Humans don’t grow and mature linearly…sometimes, it’s one step forward and twelve steps back.
Being raised a certain way doesn’t absolve her. Yes, Emily had her own pain and she caused Lorelai pain through her constant criticism and manipulative behavior.
Lorelai feels that shes rightfully upset by her moms reaction to the news only in the context of her mother not knowing about the engagement. So she charges in without ever even considering that maybe she did a shitty thing and not tell her. ... I wouldnt act like Emily, but if I found out that my kid got engaged weeks ago and hasnt told me then id be pretty upset too.
I also always thought that the look Emily gave Lorelie when she says, "that's what I wore" was Emily making herself vunerable. Lorelie could have rejected her idea outright, or even cruely said something along the lines of not wanting to be anything like her mother at her wedding. To me, that was the look that Emily had at the end.
My relationship with my mother is like theirs so i can fully understand lorelai in this though i understand emily too, i never open up to my own mother about anything personal in my life even my interest because she will always judge if it's not something that she approves, the pressure of having a parent who wants you to be perfect in their way. I rarely becomes vulnerable towards my parents i was neglected during childhood because both of them were a workaholics i did have privilege in many things but not parents attention. I learned to grow up with less drama i just need to do whatever she says and be quiet feels like walking eggshells everytime
There is so, so much Lorelei and Emily dynamic between me and my mom (genuine 4 horseman), so please continue to therapize them because I need some practice.
I think it was the danish family therapist, Jesper Juul that once wrote that anger is often comes from us not felling as important to somone else as we want to be. To me this is an example of that. Lorelei and Emily are both angry and that's when conversations turns to ugly fights where we end up hurting eachother.
I'm loving this series, please continue, I'm interested to see your reaction to later seasons! Can you also do an episode reacting to some of the therapy in Hoarders? Season 11 has several episodes that show family therapy, and I'd be interested in your take.
This is one of my favorite moments between the two of them. Ok its not direct on Emily's part, but sometimes its the example of doing it that plants a seed. My father never in his life apologised to me for anything. When I started to not justify my unhealthy behavior and call myself out on it and say I was sorry. he started to apoligise to me as best as an 88 year old man could when he messed up. To get an apology for the first time was massive to me. And he didnt do it perfectly, because he hasnt had a lot of practiced doing it. Excellent scene.
My mother and I have a similar dynamic (albeit not to the same degree) as Emily and Lorelai and we both identify with our respective characters. I’ve tried multiple times to expand her thinking but 🤷🏻♀️ I recognize when she tries and maybe that’s all I’ll ever get - my happiness isn’t dependent on her changing but rather my ability to accept her as she is and I feel like that’s kind of where lorelai and Emily end up as well ❤
No Emily is an awesome character and it's all because Kelly Bishop does such an amazing job playing her. I love Emily the most when she really lets loose and it's not directed at her daughter or granddaughter though (cough cough Shira slap down or when she gets completely smashed and Lorelai finds her in her bathrobe in the middle of the day GASP 🤣🤣
I’m not here to comment on the relationship. I’m here to jump on the praise train for Kelly Bishop’s acting. She spent 7 years playing a character none of us would want to meet, but at least I never tired of watching her on the show. Most particularly because of her delivery when she’s being sharp tongued, and for moments like these when she gives us a glimpse of the human underneath the veneer. She is so great at expressing the unspoken.
I always loved the scene in the kitchen with Rory after Chris's parents leave and she calls his father an ass and makes sure Rory knows that she loves her and the situation of her birth has impact on her grandparents feelings for her. As a daughter of a single mother with no father in the picture hearing that and being able to have someone to maybe talk to about it when I was a teenager from any of my family (even though my mom's side never treated me as anything but loved) would've helped a lot with feelings I had to deal with on my own as I got older about why I was unwanted by one side of my "family".
hot take. and would be interesting for you to explore. i find Sookie to be very intrusive in Lorelai's life. like her not understanding why her and Luke wanted to keep their new romance quiet, taking over the wedding planning, the baptism trap. i sometimes wonder if Emily took advantage of that due to the number of times she says, 'Sookie told me' Then used it against Lorelai with her classic 'you're so hell bent on keeping us out of your life' or after she tells her she's engaged she did exactly what she expected even though she had no idea Sookie made the call. Sookie SHOULD have checked but Sookie is too busy thinking about playing her role in Lorelia's life. to me it feels incredibly entitled. always overstepping.
4:51 Described me with my parents. 🥴 Emily is so critical that she has pushed her daughter away. So far away she rather struggle for years raising a child alone.
Poor Old Max. She's scared of what her mother will do to it when she's happy about something. Gotta give Emily time to process this. A tiara would be nice.
What I love about the veil scene when it comes to Lorelai‘s attempt to break the ice, here there’s more substance than with for example Luke. She doesn’t just talk aimlessly she creates an excuse to ask Emily for her opinion signaling I actually do care about what you think. Especially when she says “well since you know me” to Emily. I think that’s why the end of the scene works. After the apology Emily actually signals I understand now that you do care so I will go with it and show you I care too. And after accidentally belittling her daughter she fixes it by suggesting the tiara just as she wore one. She’s actually implying “I didn’t mean to belittle you” and for that conversation puts them on the same pedestal. So to sum up Lorelai shows she cares about what Emily thinks. Emily dismisses the notion. Lorelai apologises proving she means it Emily is convinced and tries to play along to communicate she cares but fails by being condescending Then finally Emily remedies her condescension by putting them both on the same level And Lorelai accepts that
Lorelai is Emily's daughter. She's not her spouse. They don't get equal blame in this for not "communicating". Lorelai cries "why have you never cared 💔" and you're worried that that hurts EMILY? What does her cry say about her childhood? Is it so easy for a child to grow past it when the uncaring-ness started so early and still continues? A parent- child relationship even after the child becomes an adult isn't as equal as a romantic couple's. You place far too much responsibility on Lorelai as the daughter to keep communicating and trying with her mother, too little on Emily who is stubborn and constantly critical.
Thank you for sharing this, i have needed. On a similar note, have you seen the Spider Within on RUclips? I would be interested in seeing a therapists thoughts on it
16:36 😢 Emily is so exasperating though, she gives crumbs of attention and love. No matter how hurt she is that your child. Embrace them. I'd be sobbing if my kid told me they fear talking to me because I may put them down.
I cannot wait for you to analyze the episode where Emily and lorelei go to the spa together. There so much conflict and conflict resolution in that episode
I was a HUGE fan of Gilmore Girls back in the 2000s. I loved Lorelai and Rory. I am rewatching it now. I am currently starting S02. Now I can see Lorelai is a very irresponsible and childish woman. I imagine because she got pregnant and started living as an adult so early, she missed an important part of her development and thats why she is that way. But she is not a good person. She is immature, has really big issues communicating with the people around her, is too self centered, and avoids confrontation until it ends up hurting the people around her. I think it is too bad the writers did not focus on showing her maturing process. Because I feel at the end of the series she is the same person. Her growing is not that noticeable.
12:00 i can't believe you're criticizing lorelai here. emily knows that lorelai is trying to connect and make up with her and emily is rejecting it. (she kinda accepts the offer of connection a few seconds later, but not at the moment you're talking about.)
Agree to disagree. I made the point that I made. Consistently starting hard conversations with awkward jokes, especially when personal accountability is involved, instead of leading directly with taking ownership of her side of things, is something that makes those conversations even more awkward and hard for both her and the other person. It's not about whether she's doing something "wrong." It's about what would help her to connect best in the moment. I'm not judging her, I'm simply offering insight as a family therapist.
@@JonathanDecker generally lorelai does that a lot, and i criticize a lot of her actions in the show. but not this particular scene. she wasn't making a joke. to clarify, i'm talking about when she asks emily for help deciding about the veil.
I think one of the biggest set-offs of this relationship between mother and daughter is that they are both alike in the sense of their stubbornness and unwillingness to fairly compromise or even try to find some middle ground. Both women are very different with their values and views and have a knee-jerk reaction of toxicity toward each other when they don't agree with each other. I'm not giving Emily or Lorelai excuses when it comes to some of their behavior, they've both said and done stuff without considering the other person's feelings, but I can see how this relationship could have very easily gone no-contact if Lorelai didn't have to ask her parents for Rory's tuition to Chilton. I believe it is certainly possible to have a relationship, within reason, with someone you don't always see eye-to-eye with if you are willing to do the work in said relationship.
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"Why have you never cared"
That's the crux of it. She feels like her parents don't care. Their love isn't unconditional. It does come with conditions. And she doesn't feel safe in that relationship to be vulnerable.
Interestingly though Emily cares A LOT, but not in the way that would be good for Emily...
So true. And devastating 😔
Emily doesn't care. She is only transactional.
Their love has always been there. Emily shows it again and again. Lorelei just does not see it.
@@surlespasdondine It's always been there yes, but any time Emily opens up and is vulnerable and says something nice to Lorelei's aka while they were drinking and she calls Lorelai a kayak she ruins it in the morning by reverting to form and being cold and dismissive. Lorelai comes down to breakfast not only not in a rush to leave, but wanting to sit down with her mother and Emily shuts it down. For all Lorelai's faults she is a kind and loyal person and gives Emily way more chances than she deserves. The saying blood is thicker than water is not always true and if you want a relationship with someone then you have to accept them as they are and be willing to meet them halfway.
I think Emily and some audience members willfully misunderstand Lorelai. She's not unwilling to be vulnerable with her parents because she wants to hurt them. She's afraid to be vulnerable because she's afraid they'll use it against her or default to being cold and critical. And of course, in Gilmore-land everything comes with strings.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Still love the Emily in a year in the life, she grew so much
EXACTLY
@@daykibaran9668 She had the best character growth - albeit with a few moments of backsliding into past behaviors. Still no clue what the hell that 'letter' was and who sent it. I refuse to believe it was Lorelai.
Yes but rewatching as an adult Loreali repeats some very toxic patterns with Rory-she very much has a path in mind for Rory and whenever Rory doesn’t do what Loreali wants Loreali’s response is to stonewall Rory.
You didn't comment on it but I also love how much Lorelai DESPERATELY wants to crack a joke about the idea of wearing a tiara - and relents when she sees that Emily obviously loved wearing hers and making a joke would hurt her. This scene is lovely.
so interesting to hear that, I never thought of it that way!
@@noemipomerleau8219 but when you see a pic of Emily in her wedding dress she has a Vail I am not too if she has a tiara as well
On another note, I think the reason why Emily is still such a fan favourite despite her being so unlikable on paper (not just with her daughter but her snobbiness and classism) is due to Kelly’s acting. Kelly brings so much subtlety and layers to Emily’s character that although she’s incredibly frustrating at times, we feel for her too. Same with Lorelai and Richard too. There characters have to potential to be the most insufferable and grating characters ever but Lauren, Edward (RIP) and Kelly just make them so human
Kelly Bishop is 👑
We also feel for her because she bas been immeasurably hurt too.
A character doesn't need to be a good person to be loved
Kelly’s said in an interview that in her family, she was like Rory, in the sense that she got along great with her mother and her mother had a strained relationship with her grandma. So she’s playing her own grandma and she loved doing that. Yes, Emily is a great character to watch on TV, but it’d be awful to know someone like her irl
@@MaluCLBSadding to that didn't she also wanted to play Emily as unlikeable as possible? Interesting that people don't see the emotional abuse lorelai went through and intentify Emily as "sassy" and when lorelai does the same "braggy". Speaks volumes about how we treat psychological violence imo.
Lorelai consistently goes out on limbs to communicate with her mother, just to get smacked down more often than not. It's tough to watch
💯
Emily Gilmore is a narcissistic cunt and deserves every toxic backlash she earns.
Its also always her that apologies because she knows if she's not doing it her mother will ice her out even though she wanted to protect herself like with the proposal where Emily didn't speak for two weeks with her daughter. When lorelai does the same when emily invited christopher to her renewing the wedding vows, because she wanted to destroy the relationship with luke, she is suddenly the victim and everyone feels for her when she comes to Luke to beg him getting together with lorelai when SHE willingly takes apart her daughters happiness. I am so ready for jono to analyse the scene. Lorelai might not be a win parent but she is certainly a very scarred daughter.
@@not-a-ghost2206 I never felt bad for Emily at that point. I despised her for ruining her daughter’s happiness and cheered when Lorelai actually stood up to her and told her off. I even loved that she knew it was just Emily and continued to talk to her father. Like you said Lorelai may not be parent of the year either, but Rory always felt secure in knowing her mother loved her which Lorelai didn’t get from her parents and that’s terrible.
Exactly! I don't understand how Lorelai is considered bratty when she is the one always apologizing, always the one giving an olive branch. Constantly trying to fix the issues. And somehow Lorelai is the problem? 🙄
I agree but also Lorelai is right when she says it’s her thing to tell and she’ll do it when she feels ready to do it. Her parents are not safe people and her waiting so long to tell them is a direct result of that.
THIS
This! Lorelai is not obligated to tell them when they are constantly shutting her down.
Yeah but she still should of told Sookie not to say anything. I don't blame Sookie for accidentally spilling the beans because she didn't know Emily didn't know.
Hate to say it, but that's on Lorelai for that slight oversight that ended up being blown out of proportion.
@@TimberlakeTigerGirl agree, but with the context of, when it comes to Lorelai's relationship with her parents, Sookie isn't always a safe person to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I love Sookie, and is in general a wonderful friend (all that work she put into throwing a party for Lorelai so her friend would feel loved? Amazing), but when it comes to Lorelai's parents there's an aura of 'it couldn't have been that bad' or 'it must be better now'. I will also concede that Lorelai maybe hasn't been fully open and vulnerable about *everything* in her childhood, but when testing the water rubs salt in the wound, you're not going to go for a swim. I do think Sookie would have respected Lorelai's wishes (because, again, great friend), but Lorelai likely didn't feel safe communicating those wishes to Sookie ...
Speaking from the experience of someone who didn't truly open up to another human until I was in my 20s, in part because whenever I would try to see if someone was safe to be vulnerable with (including a licensed therapist), I'd see warning signs of boiling water, and so just shut down that vulnerability.
Growing up is realizing how amazing and brave Lorelai is, without any of the tools she might've really put to use from therapy
I once heard a podcast talk about 'rage baiting' on social media and they said something interesting that I always kept with me:
Anger is a drug. Anger releases all these hormones and endorfins in your brains and it feels so, soooo much better than sadness. Anger feels like control, like taking action, sadness feels helpless, like you're losing control. Many people would do almost anything to turn sadness into anger if they have the chance, because anger and lashing out feels powerful and sadness or vulnerability does not.
And passive aggressiveness is not called 'aggressive' for nothing - it's a form of anger, it's a form of trying to hurt the 'bad people' back.
Once anger was explained like an addiction to me it was so much easier to resist from getting angry back and to extend a little more grace instead.
If we keep that in mind it makes it much
thank you, that was a very interesting read :)
Such an excellent point. Thank you for sharing!
That does make sense. Getting angry does feel like a power trip. Also it can feel very out of control like I am drunk with it.
When the Boundaries book explained that anger is a sign of my boundaries being crossed I actually felt grateful because before that I thought I was a terrible person for ever feeling angry and I was afraid to ever feel it. Instead anger became a tool to help me know what my boundary was and to state it in a clear and defined way.
I feel less angry in general now because I have learned how to set better boundaries for myself and make sure I know what my needs are and how to meet them appropriately.
I've seen this show so many times, but this is the first time I ever got choked up at Emily's line, "That's what I wore." I had never noticed her little flinch of self-doubt before either, and I think just that simple little choice from Kelly Bishop added so much vulnerability and tenderness to that line that she rarely gets to show.
Emily is trapped in a lot of ways by both her class and her generation (Kelly Bishop was born in 1944, so she's at the tail end of the Silent Generation). It simply wasn't the way most people understood parenting at the time that parents should ever apologize to their children. Conventional wisdom stated that parents were the authority figures and children were supposed to comply and that was that. That mindset was no doubt amplified by their SES and the demands to keep up appearances that came with it. When she suggested Lorelai wear a tiara, that was as far as she could go in that moment. She was clearly battling some really entrenched stuff, both culturally-informed like I just mentioned and her personal experiences with Lorelai, to even say that. The fact that Lorelai took it as intended makes it one of the rare moments where they are actually able to meet each other where they are. It's not perfect, but they both saw the other trying, which is so much more important.
Kelly Bishop is so brilliant at showing Emily’s depths in that moment. She is so trapped by her class and generation as you said. I feel like a lot of people don’t see this. Emily is doing her best with the emotional tools she was given - which is to say, none. Or rather, she has emotional battle axes and that’s it. She is constantly lashing out. But she does try.
I wish you would have included the scene after Sookie’s phone call. Where Emily goes in and tells Richard to call and apologize to Rory after being rude to Dean at dinner. Emily tells Richard that Lorelai is getting married and didn’t tell them. That when Rory decides to get married she wants Rory to tell them. It’s probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire show. I felt so bad for Emily. Her eyes were full of so much hurt when she told Richard and her crying after she leaves the room broke my heart.
And it is a rare moment where Emily admits that if her relationship with Lorelei is bad, their behavior has been part of the reason. She can’t say it to Lorelei but she knows. Back in season 1 she also admits to Richard that she doesn’t know Lorelei at all and again wouldn’t it be lovely if she could say that to Lorelei instead of behind her back.
In later seasons Emily does have moments where she connects with her daughter. Unfortunately I think Emily has her own emotional problems or even mental health issues going on. There’s an episode called Scenes from a Mall in season 4 that makes my heart break for Emily, even though she’s really not behaving well. You’ll get there Jono.
I agree. This scene should be therapized and mothers need to be told this! If they realise why their children feel as Lorelai does THEY need to make amends. Saying it's Lorelai's fault for being petty and immature is unbelievable. Really starting to lose credibility there, @MendedLight.
@readMEinkbooks He is right though. Mending relationships takes both parties or all parties involved to put an effort. Emily definitely has issues to work on regarding being more accepting. But it would amount to nothing if Lorelai doesn't put any effort into teaching Emily how to do so and by learning to open up if and when there is progress.
@@TimberlakeTigerGirl Yes, mending relationships takes both people. Unfortunately, anyone who has had a mother like Emily would know the despair and fear Lorelai has of opening up to her mother and that it would Emily to make the first moves and for these to be consistent before Lorelai would trust her enough to open up. And until Emily decides to change, nothing Lorelai does would 'teach' her. Emily would take it as capitulation and submission, which is exactly what she wants.
I think the best part of all this for me, is knowing that in real life, Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel considered Emily Bishop their psuedo-mother/grandmother. She constantly referred to them as "my girls" and would give them advice, friendship and caring all the years of the shows, in between and after. Watching behind the scenes about the shows gave powerful evidence of that. So it really shows you what dedicated and talented actors they are, but what an excellent relationship these people (and Edward Herrmann) had to be able to trust each other enough to go to these dark places. You really have to feel safe to bring that depth of emotion. So I consider and ponder those dynamics just as much as the character arcs that they go through.
This is one of my favorite scenes in the entire series. It's a scene I've watched hundreds of times. I've NEVER noticed the shift in Emily's eyes after the "big head" comment before, only registered the hurt in her eyes when Lorelai cries out that Emily has never cared. Well-done!
This scene makes me get teary eyed..the subtle olive branches and the longing of emily to share bits of her own wedding to pass down,much like a healthier mother daughter relationship might ❤ the acting is wonderful
And when Emily said she wore a tiara, she's implying that she, too, has a big head which kinda makes the blow from "your head is too big" hurt a bit less. 😂
That maid burn was phenomenal, tho. 🤣🤣🤣
Makes you wonder why Emily ever thought to ask Lorelai to be a character witness for her when a maid sued her.
@@pmbramucci1056 But family..... Of course her daughter will stick up for her.
@@pmbramucci1056 Yeah; I just don't think Lorelai would've been a good character witness to that specific problem Emily was having.
I'm a daughter who has had to teach my mother a lot about conflict and repair. I love this video because it highlights Lorelai's strengths. But there is also such a huge cost in being a daughter who is looking for love from a mother who does not understand how to give it safely.
Yes, you are not supposed to have to teach your mother how to care for you. I think that gets skipped over in these videos. Also, a parent has to be safe, so the child can get vulnerable. Not the other way around.
Thanks for reviewing GG and these two characters especially. For Lorelai, it’s so easy to see how she could develop resentment because for decades, the ways she felt slighted by her parents as their only child was ever really directly addressed by her parents in the show.
A lot of people like Emily because of Kelly Bishop’s immaculate performance (I do too!)… but many of them would say that while they enjoy her as a character, they would not like her as someone they would regularly encounter in real life. So it’s great for shows like these to peel back the layers of these complex characters like Emily so we can exercise empathy or at least some level of understanding for them, because it’s SO HARD in real life when we don’t feel like they’re ever on our side, and even when someone is about us, they tend to make it about them…
Credit to Lorelai for frequently trying to meet her parents halfway and seeing that they won’t change unless they want to… and for a little bit they did for Rory and not for her. And instead of envying that, she appreciated it. She’s not without her flaws, but she’s inspiring to me in that way. (It’s also my headcanon she is an ADHDer so that way of dancing around things is quite fitting to her neurotype, and I get that, trust me. But I still love her for forging forward, even if 99% of the time, it’s not how others would want her to do things.)
I just wanted to say again how much I appreciate your balanced take on the relationships in this show. As someone who relates more to Lorelai in these scenes, I tend to feel like Emily doesn't do enough to reciprocate Lorelai's apology, but you helped me see here that for Lorelai, what she does give is enough for now. And you're right about Kelly Bishop's acting. I think what strikes me about Emily's face when she recommends the tiara is that she looks *open.* Emily's "resting bitch face" is like a mask, it holds her emotions in and keeps other people's away-- it's a closed expression. But in that moment, she looks open and vulnerable and human and beautiful.
OOOOF, Suki accidentally spilling the beans was so painful
I feel like Emily looks scared when she suggests a tiara. Because is her being the most vulnerable she can be. Trying to reach out and uncovering something about herself (while Lorelai often would make jokes about something like this)
This is one of the reasons I haven't gotten back in touch with my mother after almost 3 years of no contact. Because I'm Lorelai in that situation and would drop all the nastiness on top of her. I want to have a mature conversation with her, but I'm just too scared for her reaction and selfishness. And the longer there hasn't been any contact, the more difficult it gets to actually reach out
Reminds me of the relationship I have with my brother. All i want is to have a mature conversation with him, but instead he always pushes me away. It hurts because i want to be in his life. It hurts so much not speaking to him, but that’s the only way I know how to deal with the situation.
I had a period of about 5 years where I withdrew from my mom’s life. I got therapy to sort out my feelings. Then I just slowly started contact. First by writing a note to say hello once in a while. Positive updates on my life. Ending with hope you are doing well. Then she wrote back. We slowly started light hearted emails.
I didn’t react when she would normally trigger me. I just sort of thought. There it is. The broken part. Of her. But changed the subject or was empathetic.
It changed the dynamics. I had to let go of being right. My mom had a lot of issues and was great at being manipulative and making me feel guilty. Once I put that aside and redirected the conversation she lost that train of thought and things were easier. Don’t get me wrong, I had to have an excuse to get off the phone sometimes before I got too mad but it was fine. The older I got the more I got to know her as a full person not just the all powerful mother
. I hope you can reconcile with her. I never had a conversation specifically about what pushed us apart because in my case she wasn’t self aware enough so instead I just learned to have a nice grown up relationship with her. Less mother and daughter angst if that makes sense. She seemed to open up more to me. I asked her about her growing up. Took an interest in learning about her life before I came along etc. it helped. Good luck.
@@wcoasttigger thank you so much for writing this, it gives me hope. My brother in law (the only mature and responsible adult in this family), told me something similar, to start small with just lighthearted updates. I'm still so scared she will immediately cross a boundary, so I know I'm not ready for that yet. I have my last therapy session next week after almost 2 years of intense work, and I know it doesn't stop there. As my therapist says: we get you to 70%, that last 30% you have to do on your own, and you CAN do it on your own. And reading your comment makes me realise that that is the last 30%. Trying, testing new waters, sometimes being blunt about your boundaries, getting triggered, learning how to navigate this new relationship you're trying to build. It's okay for me to not have contact yet, I'm still working on things. I will get to it when I'm ready.
It breaks my heart that in their relationship, Lorelai always has to be the one to offer repair and connection. And Emily either acts like a heartless person or an immature child because she's too proud to make a move.
Jonathan: "Why are you making Lorelai take the lead on apologies almost all the time?"
My brain: "Where you lead, I will follow~...Anywhere that you tell me to~...If you need, you need me to be with you~...I will follow where you lead~"
Jonathan, I got emotional with you at the end of the scene... That level of healthy dialogue and (even a little bit of) healing is rare in Gilmore Girls, and Lauren and Kelly played it beautifully. I have a favorite episode: season 2, ep. 16, when they both go to a spa and later to a bar. It would be awsome if you could comment on their dynamics in this episode!
I think that was an excellent take on this scene. I loved the acting there too. As a theatre teacher, this is the stuff I use for examples when telling my students "Show, don't tell" (for acting)
Accountability is so hard. But even after all these years, you can see how much Lorelei craves her mom's approval. It's so scary to be vulnerable with someone like Emily.
Exactly. Vulnerability goes out the window and 'shields up' is the default around someone like Emily, especially, ESPECIALLY, if she is your mother.
I love the character of Emily, been watching this show for decades at this point and my opinion of the characters changes so much as I do. I used to hate Emily and love Lorelei, then I shifted to being annoyed at how childish Lorelei is, but now that I'm older you can really see how they feed into each other, there really is a lot of love there, it's just covered by poor communication and trying to protect your own feelings in a world that doesn't leave much space for them (the Gilmore world)
Emily reminds me so much of my mom. She’s gotten so much better over the years. She’s not perfect but she’s trying so hard to truly understand me, she respects my boundaries, and she apologizes and takes accountability when she makes a mistake or does something that upsets me. I’m very proud of her and it shows that she’d genuinely rather change than lose me
Love your analysis. It's so frustrating watching the conflicts between Lorelai and Emily due to a lack of communication, but I love this show and the characters.
I think although both Lorelai and Emily don’t communicate well and are very flawed, we see that Lorelai tries and tries (albeit imperfectly) to to make things work with her parents. Not pre-series but once she accepts that they are in her and Rory’s life now, she tries. Emily tries on the occasion, but mostly she just wants Lorelai to fit into the mould she thinks Lorelai should. She may care and love Lorelai in her own way but unless you love your child for who they are and not who you want them to be, that’s not true unconditional love. Yes, you can disagree with their choices and voice that but Emily goes far beyond that. I know they’re both adults now but it always made me sad watching how Lorelai (their child) always had to be the one to make the steps to mend bridges that her parents burned. Of course being hurt by your daughter not telling you she got engaged is completely normal and expected, but never once did she stop to think “why doesn’t my daughter feel able to tell me these things” which would cross my mind if I was in that situation with a loved one. I don’t have a child so I can’t comment on that but when a loved one has done something to hurt me and I know them well enough to know they didn’t do it to spite me, after the initial hurt as passed, I stop and think “why, if they didn’t do it to hurt me, did they feel like that was there only options”
I agree with a lot of what you're saying here, and I think it's interesting to note that Emily *doesn't* seem to know that Lorelai doesn't do things like this to hurt her. Like, when she first saw the potting shed where Lorelai and Rory lived at the Inn, her response was, "You hated us *that* much?" Whereas Lorelai explains her reasoning as much more about her own mental state-- she was deeply unhappy and needed to be somewhere else. Emily's initial response so much of the time seems to be to see whatever Lorelai does as just to spite her parents-- maybe because it's easier to see her as a spiteful person than to ask, as you say, what they might have done or what kind of environment they created to prompt her to respond that way.
Yes, it is so much harder to take up responsibility.
But as parent that is your JOB.
@@Imilana_da_Rodinliterally, I don’t like how Jono was interpreting this like it was a relationship of equals. As a parent, it’s your job to make at least a bit more effort to mend bridges with your children. It can’t be them who are expected to be the “bigger person” or the more mature one.
If you think that Lorelai often comes across as petty and immature then you don't understand the depth of hurt and despair that she has lived with because of her mother's utterly appalling behaviour her entire life.
But it DOES excuse it doesn't it? I would never tell stuff like this to a family member who is so controlling, judgy, manipulative or even hostile towards me often...
I absolutely LOVED this show. I was in high school when it first came out and always thought Emily was just a jerk and harsh with Lorelei for no reason, but the more I watch this show, the more I realize shes not a jerk AT ALL, she's just hurt and so is Lorelei.
I would recommend you to watch a year in the life after watching the series, Emily changes there pretty much every
I see the dynamics between my mother and me in this sequence.
I agree that both Emily and Lorelai should give excuses because both of them are adults and have their personal contribution to the problem. At the same time I fully understand the comment saying that Emily should make amends first.
One of the most frustrating things growing up in that kind of context is - as a child and a teenager - having to deal with myself and my mother's hurt child at the same time: that the person who should set the frame for a constructive conflict resolution/show emotion management does not provide it... and the consequences of that are tremendous and infiltrate soooo many aspects of (my) life.
I like about Lorelai that when she has conflicts, she is grateful for any small movement in the right direction. She does not put her counterpart under the pressure of HER expectations and her gratitude shows up as a very supportive to de-escalate and (indirectly) solve the conflict.
I’ve watched Gilmore Girls probably 8 times through, I think every time I watch that last scene I cry. Seeing them both take a step in the right direction makes me emotional. I fear I’m the Lorelai who can’t get over the feeling of being 16.
I loved that Emily suggested the tiara. I wish Lorelai would have said, "Oh, I'd love to see it." I think it would have brought Emily a little closer to Lorelai, concerning the wedding.
Yes! I thought so too! Doesn't matter, if Lorelai likes tiaras or not, just showing interest in Emily's past and her wedding dress and that tiara, they could've had a wonderful moment together and who knows, maybe enjoying talking more about Lorelai's wedding.
That would've been a possibility for Emily to see the type of person Lorelai is, what she believes to be a perfect wedding - because for Emily, she always imagined "the Romanovs - winter and snow", she views her daughter as royalty, as princess, which in my opinion is endearing, but so off, considering who Lorelai truly is as a person.
This was my favourite show when I was young. It’s cool seeing it being watched by a new generation and audience now. Then to see influencers comment and share their ideas is pretty cool!
I disagree with a blanket "just be honest" policy. It is important to show up genuinely and with integrity, to not spread actual lies and misinformation for selfish reasons. But it is also okay to not share information with people that don't make you feel safe, especially if it is something that doesn't directly concern them. You don't have to come out to people who you are not comfortable coming out to, even if they're your parents. You don't owe the details of your private life to anyone who doesn't make you feel safe. It may be good to work on the relationship if it's one that you care about so that you get to a point where you feel safe, but it is not mandatory.
Yeah the whole blood is thicker thing is just not true. Other than my mom and my grandparents, most of my family are people who I'm not actually related to, but consider family. From life experience I have learned that trust is earned and just because I share blood with someone does not mean I owe them anything. At 42 years old I am not going to go out of my way for someone who wouldn't do the same for me. That's not to say I expect anything of people I love and I will move mountains for my loved ones, but I have had people in my life who have thought it was okay to disrespect me and show zero interest in me as an actual person (likes and dislikes, medical health etc.), but then will turn around and claim I should treat my family (them) better. If you only want me around when you need someone to inflate your ego and make you feel like you're a good person then I'm not the person to do that. I'm mostly a people pleaser so if I've written you off then I had a very good reason.
I love the concept of “moving towards” or “moving away” bc it is dynamic and context dependent. It was small, but Emily’s step towards Lorelei and connecting will further their relationship - however short the distance ❤
I've watched this series 10+ times, and I've never noticed Emily's tinge of regret after she says "Your head is much too big for a veil". I've always focused on Lorelai in that moment because Emily's comment wasn't surprising to me in any way. I'm used to her bluntness. Interesting...
I get that it hurt Emily that Lorelai didn’t tell her she was engaged, but how could Emily seriously think that after being cut out of her daughter/granddaughter’s life for 16 years that Lorelai would just be an open book? I wish when Lorelai told her Emily had calmly explained that Sookie already called but that it’s ok and she’s just glad Lorelai told her and she’s happy to be included whenever Lorelai’s ready to share big life moments with her.
Well being cut out like that hurt Emily deeply.
Yeah or even if Emily had said that she wished Lorelai had told her first, but she was so happy for her.
@@surlespasdondineI’m sure it did. What Emily refused to acknowledge is that she and Richard hurt Lorelai a lot too.
That’s a good moment of imagining what a healthy relationship would look like. It’s been so healing to me to imagine this in different tense situations.
Personally, I would love to hear your thoughts on the relationship of Emily and Richard's mother (when you get there). That one is a glimpse at Emily's more vulnerable side and it's interesting to see.
This is genuinely a good show to use for breaking it down mental health-wise and use as a teaching and conversation point. Love this series of ML videos. And I love ALL the Mended Light videos! A learn so much useful stuff.
I love the ending. It's so perfect. I love Lorelai being honest for once. That's really what she sees and feels with Emily. That Emily will find a way to make her feel bad about anything good and that's she's there say I told you so when anything bad happens. It's also so big of her to admit she's sure if that's fair.
Recently found this. So many good moments in this series. I cant wait for the next one.
I have watched this show at least 10 times and, although I have noticed Kelly Bishop's genius acting throughout the show every time, I had never noticed the flinch after she says "your head is much too big for a veil". So thank you for pointing that out!
This is one of my favourite Lorelai Emily scenes. The vulnerability. The love under the pain! So good
That last scene always makes me cry. I love and agree with everything you pointed out about it.
"Why are they showing this behavior" Lorelai can do that work if she wants but as the "child" (adult daughter) in this situation, she doesn't owe her mother teaching her that. She's not the parent. She can choose to, but she doesn't owe it. And at some point, a parent can make themselves unsafe enough to talk to that as little contact as possible just makes more sense. And I don't give a flying fuck how that makes the parent feel.
I could pay boatloads of money and time on therapy sessions and not learn what I learn from this channel. I'm constantly amazed at the quality and value I get from Mended Light. Your videos are consistently packed with valuable / actionable education and skill for effective mental health, communication and relationship skills. You guys are amazing. ❤👏🔥💯✨
Instantly bursed into tears when Emily says "it's what I wore"
There is something that I think that you totally missed, Jono. When Emily said, "That is what I wore." She was admitting that she did not wear a veil because either she herself felt that her head was too big for a veil, or that someone when Emily was a young bride told her that her head was too big for a veil.
Lorelei obviously picked up on it, by her expression.
So, when the words came out of Emily's mouth, she probably remembered how she felt when either she herself thought that or someone told her.
Good catch on the tiara and Emily's admission of her history with it. Never noticed that before!
This is one of my favorite shows and yes, there is a lot of material to use in this show. Great vid.
Family relationships is kinda a complicated topic. I believe not every person is cut out for being a parent. We can see that even through a big fight, Emily is still stubborn and reluctant to change. She doesn't respect her daughter and decisions she's making are being strongly criticized. There's no even a discussion, who's right and wrong. Emily as an older human being, should've been wiser and supportive, no matter what your kids up to if they don't harm themselves and others - no worries should be arisen. Emily needs to go to a therapy, immediately!
I agree that not everyone is cut out to be a parent, but I think it's also worth remembering that what it means to be a good parent changed pretty drastically during Emily's lifetime. When she was starting her family, it wasn't really considered necessary to be super involved in your child's life the way we expect parents to be now. So long as you provided for all their material needs, got them a solid education (and for high-SES folks like the Gilmores, made sure they had the right connections), you'd done it. Emily definitely did those things, so it's understandable that she's confused at Lorelai's resentment toward her. As far as she was concerned, she understood the assignment, she did what she was supposed to do, so Lorelai must be wrong. To even get as far as she has in that last scene, Emily has had to fight pretty much every instinct she has about how she's supposed to behave as a mother. Is there room for improvement? Obviously. But it's at least a start.
@@BALTHAZAAR58 The issue isn't that Emily was uninvolved, nor was that an expectation for parents in the 70's. Emily was cold and critical long after the time when we had learned that children need to be shown loving affection and to be nurtured.
I think that what makes those relationships often so impossible is the fact you can't just let go of your parents for many reasons. You might feel like they've hurt you and the ones you love beyond repair, and it's so confusing when that happens since you're a child... loving someone who's done something that should never be forgiven is tough.
I love how full circle things occur, in “A Year in The Life” Lorelei wears a hat! Similar to what Emily suggested but with Lorelei’s twist!
I wish I had access to this video 20 years ago. I had a difficult relationship with my mom, and part of it was because I pushed her away and stopped sharing stuff with her because from my point of view everything I told her seemed to become ammunition for her hurting me in one of her "bad days." We were finally getting better, once I stopped being so angry and hurt and not knowing how to manage those feelings, and then she died. I'll always mourn what could have been.
I just adore your videos! I always learn so much and I also get to have so much more appreciation for the actors (like I didn't have that already). Just... all my respect 👏
That "don't tell you when something bad happens and don't tell you when something good happens" is so my mom and I. I'm fussy when my mom treats me like I can't do anything right. I have had counselling but sometimes it's still difficult.
And Emily wonders why Lorelei never tells her anything. Because she's always has some cruel way to shoot her down.
Thank you for making this video! It was super helpful in so many ways! 👏👏👏
I love this scene, I too was raised by a parent that had a very hard time apologizing, but you see Emily responding to her daughter’s apology and trying to connect in the only way she knows how.
I wore my mom's tiara from her wedding day on mine. And my mom had an emotionally abusive and critical mom. And I got some of that negativity/ discouragement passed on to me as well... People treat others the way they feel about themselves.
I'm on the episode now where Lorelai is going back and forth between telling her parents about her and Jason Stiles. Love your videos, looking forward to more!
The moment she suggests the tiara. An amazing response would have been to ask her mom to try hers on and possibly borrow it for her own wedding.
Great stuff! Yes, Emily has said to Lorelai something to the effect that she doesn't listen to her.
I really love your analysis ! Thank you for this
A possible answer your point at 14:20 : Lorelai wasn’t right to explicitly say “you think” but I wonder if Emily implied this seeming lack of care for her opinion with saying “You’re quite capable of choosing that yourself, Lorelai.” earlier to the veil question, and that’s what’s on Lorelai’s mind. I didn’t make that connection myself until this video!
I’m currently in a rekindled Gilmore Girls phase myself and it can be fun to zoom through the show but I love that you’re really breaking down these scenes so we can appreciate them and learn from them (and from you!) how we can better navigate these circumstances in our lives.
well Emily has failed as a mother if her own daughter feels like this, and Richard as an NPC father too if all he does is just follow Emily
I would love to know more about Emily’s upbringing and why she is always on a war footing. She is incapable of being vulnerable. She is always ready to fight and attack. Her childhood must have been brutal.
I really love your analysis. So many commentators are always so quick to just label their relationship as toxic abuse, and it is incredibly frustrating. That’s the beauty of this show is each generation is just attempting to do the best they can with their experiences, what they know, and where they are at. There is an episode where Emily literally says that she wasn’t raised this way…she wasn’t taught to be this way…she knows she should be different but she is still trying to figure out how.
Which is all of us, right? We are all trying to figure it out with what we have…how we were raised and who we will become and how to reconcile the two.
Not to discount actual toxic and abusive family relationships. I just never could bring myself to see this one as such. Because of all of those finite little moments where you see they’re trying to grow and extend each other grace.
A relationship can be toxic and unhealthy and have room to grow into something that isn't. Gilmore Girls is great because it shows that process and how hard and awful it can be - but also the rewards it can ultimately yield. Also, their attempt pretty much immediately yields results for Rory, who has a great relationship with both her grandparents.
Sometimes you never get to a place for reconciliation, and it is important to recognize when you (or they) aren't in a space to reconcile - but if you can, it's generally better for everyone if you do.
@@noemipomerleau8219 I agree. I mostly just wanted to point out that people are often too quick to write things off as such without redemption. Or understanding the messiness of it. Relationships like that will ebb and flow like an ocean wave on a shore. Humans don’t grow and mature linearly…sometimes, it’s one step forward and twelve steps back.
Being raised a certain way doesn’t absolve her. Yes, Emily had her own pain and she caused Lorelai pain through her constant criticism and manipulative behavior.
Exactly 💯
Who taught Lorelai to love and believe in Rory? She was not raised that way even a little bit.@@tiyabear
Lorelai feels that shes rightfully upset by her moms reaction to the news only in the context of her mother not knowing about the engagement. So she charges in without ever even considering that maybe she did a shitty thing and not tell her. ... I wouldnt act like Emily, but if I found out that my kid got engaged weeks ago and hasnt told me then id be pretty upset too.
I also always thought that the look Emily gave Lorelie when she says, "that's what I wore" was Emily making herself vunerable. Lorelie could have rejected her idea outright, or even cruely said something along the lines of not wanting to be anything like her mother at her wedding. To me, that was the look that Emily had at the end.
My relationship with my mother is like theirs so i can fully understand lorelai in this though i understand emily too, i never open up to my own mother about anything personal in my life even my interest because she will always judge if it's not something that she approves, the pressure of having a parent who wants you to be perfect in their way. I rarely becomes vulnerable towards my parents i was neglected during childhood because both of them were a workaholics i did have privilege in many things but not parents attention. I learned to grow up with less drama i just need to do whatever she says and be quiet feels like walking eggshells everytime
There is so, so much Lorelei and Emily dynamic between me and my mom (genuine 4 horseman), so please continue to therapize them because I need some practice.
I think it was the danish family therapist, Jesper Juul that once wrote that anger is often comes from us not felling as important to somone else as we want to be. To me this is an example of that. Lorelei and Emily are both angry and that's when conversations turns to ugly fights where we end up hurting eachother.
I'm loving this series, please continue, I'm interested to see your reaction to later seasons!
Can you also do an episode reacting to some of the therapy in Hoarders? Season 11 has several episodes that show family therapy, and I'd be interested in your take.
This is one of my favorite moments between the two of them. Ok its not direct on Emily's part, but sometimes its the example of doing it that plants a seed. My father never in his life apologised to me for anything. When I started to not justify my unhealthy behavior and call myself out on it and say I was sorry. he started to apoligise to me as best as an 88 year old man could when he messed up. To get an apology for the first time was massive to me. And he didnt do it perfectly, because he hasnt had a lot of practiced doing it. Excellent scene.
adding to the playlist when I just finished the last video last night??? Boutta tear this GG therapy UP 👯
My mother and I have a similar dynamic (albeit not to the same degree) as Emily and Lorelai and we both identify with our respective characters. I’ve tried multiple times to expand her thinking but 🤷🏻♀️ I recognize when she tries and maybe that’s all I’ll ever get - my happiness isn’t dependent on her changing but rather my ability to accept her as she is and I feel like that’s kind of where lorelai and Emily end up as well ❤
I think what makes Gilmore Girls writing really believable is that there are at least 3 episodes that heavily discuss Lorelai's insurance problems.
I think I'm biased towards blaming Emily more because I didn't watch the show until my 30's. I hadn't realized that!
Am I the only one that's an Emily fan? What a complex character.
Nope honestly Kelly Bishop played Emily Gilmore so well
Emily is one of my favorite characters in all of television.
Emily is my favorite of the Gilmore's, even if she's kind of insufferable at times. I love the actress!
No Emily is an awesome character and it's all because Kelly Bishop does such an amazing job playing her. I love Emily the most when she really lets loose and it's not directed at her daughter or granddaughter though (cough cough Shira slap down or when she gets completely smashed and Lorelai finds her in her bathrobe in the middle of the day GASP 🤣🤣
I’m not here to comment on the relationship. I’m here to jump on the praise train for Kelly Bishop’s acting. She spent 7 years playing a character none of us would want to meet, but at least I never tired of watching her on the show. Most particularly because of her delivery when she’s being sharp tongued, and for moments like these when she gives us a glimpse of the human underneath the veneer. She is so great at expressing the unspoken.
I always loved the scene in the kitchen with Rory after Chris's parents leave and she calls his father an ass and makes sure Rory knows that she loves her and the situation of her birth has impact on her grandparents feelings for her. As a daughter of a single mother with no father in the picture hearing that and being able to have someone to maybe talk to about it when I was a teenager from any of my family (even though my mom's side never treated me as anything but loved) would've helped a lot with feelings I had to deal with on my own as I got older about why I was unwanted by one side of my "family".
hot take. and would be interesting for you to explore.
i find Sookie to be very intrusive in Lorelai's life. like her not understanding why her and Luke wanted to keep their new romance quiet, taking over the wedding planning, the baptism trap. i sometimes wonder if Emily took advantage of that due to the number of times she says, 'Sookie told me' Then used it against Lorelai with her classic 'you're so hell bent on keeping us out of your life' or after she tells her she's engaged she did exactly what she expected even though she had no idea Sookie made the call. Sookie SHOULD have checked but Sookie is too busy thinking about playing her role in Lorelia's life.
to me it feels incredibly entitled. always overstepping.
4:51 Described me with my parents. 🥴 Emily is so critical that she has pushed her daughter away. So far away she rather struggle for years raising a child alone.
Another great video. Perhaps give Jess the same grace that you give Emily
Poor Old Max.
She's scared of what her mother will do to it when she's happy about something.
Gotta give Emily time to process this. A tiara would be nice.
What I love about the veil scene when it comes to Lorelai‘s attempt to break the ice, here there’s more substance than with for example Luke. She doesn’t just talk aimlessly she creates an excuse to ask Emily for her opinion signaling I actually do care about what you think. Especially when she says “well since you know me” to Emily. I think that’s why the end of the scene works. After the apology Emily actually signals I understand now that you do care so I will go with it and show you I care too. And after accidentally belittling her daughter she fixes it by suggesting the tiara just as she wore one. She’s actually implying “I didn’t mean to belittle you” and for that conversation puts them on the same pedestal.
So to sum up Lorelai shows she cares about what Emily thinks.
Emily dismisses the notion.
Lorelai apologises proving she means it
Emily is convinced and tries to play along to communicate she cares but fails by being condescending
Then finally Emily remedies her condescension by putting them both on the same level
And Lorelai accepts that
Love this video! Please do more ! Support from England❤
Lorelai is Emily's daughter. She's not her spouse. They don't get equal blame in this for not "communicating". Lorelai cries "why have you never cared 💔" and you're worried that that hurts EMILY? What does her cry say about her childhood? Is it so easy for a child to grow past it when the uncaring-ness started so early and still continues?
A parent- child relationship even after the child becomes an adult isn't as equal as a romantic couple's. You place far too much responsibility on Lorelai as the daughter to keep communicating and trying with her mother, too little on Emily who is stubborn and constantly critical.
Thank you for sharing this, i have needed. On a similar note, have you seen the Spider Within on RUclips? I would be interested in seeing a therapists thoughts on it
16:36 😢 Emily is so exasperating though, she gives crumbs of attention and love. No matter how hurt she is that your child. Embrace them. I'd be sobbing if my kid told me they fear talking to me because I may put them down.
I cannot wait for you to analyze the episode where Emily and lorelei go to the spa together. There so much conflict and conflict resolution in that episode
I was a HUGE fan of Gilmore Girls back in the 2000s. I loved Lorelai and Rory. I am rewatching it now. I am currently starting S02. Now I can see Lorelai is a very irresponsible and childish woman. I imagine because she got pregnant and started living as an adult so early, she missed an important part of her development and thats why she is that way. But she is not a good person. She is immature, has really big issues communicating with the people around her, is too self centered, and avoids confrontation until it ends up hurting the people around her. I think it is too bad the writers did not focus on showing her maturing process. Because I feel at the end of the series she is the same person. Her growing is not that noticeable.
12:00
i can't believe you're criticizing lorelai here. emily knows that lorelai is trying to connect and make up with her and emily is rejecting it. (she kinda accepts the offer of connection a few seconds later, but not at the moment you're talking about.)
Um... believe it, I guess? Nothing you said negates the point that I'm making 🤷
@@JonathanDecker
lorelai is doing nothing wrong in that scene. nothing to criticize.
Agree to disagree. I made the point that I made. Consistently starting hard conversations with awkward jokes, especially when personal accountability is involved, instead of leading directly with taking ownership of her side of things, is something that makes those conversations even more awkward and hard for both her and the other person. It's not about whether she's doing something "wrong." It's about what would help her to connect best in the moment. I'm not judging her, I'm simply offering insight as a family therapist.
@@JonathanDecker
generally lorelai does that a lot, and i criticize a lot of her actions in the show. but not this particular scene. she wasn't making a joke. to clarify, i'm talking about when she asks emily for help deciding about the veil.
Emily feels very rejected by Lorelei. All the time.
Emily triggers me so much I can't even watch. I have palpitations.
I think one of the biggest set-offs of this relationship between mother and daughter is that they are both alike in the sense of their stubbornness and unwillingness to fairly compromise or even try to find some middle ground. Both women are very different with their values and views and have a knee-jerk reaction of toxicity toward each other when they don't agree with each other. I'm not giving Emily or Lorelai excuses when it comes to some of their behavior, they've both said and done stuff without considering the other person's feelings, but I can see how this relationship could have very easily gone no-contact if Lorelai didn't have to ask her parents for Rory's tuition to Chilton. I believe it is certainly possible to have a relationship, within reason, with someone you don't always see eye-to-eye with if you are willing to do the work in said relationship.
That’s one problem I had with Emily and Lorelai. They both avoided and danced around problems, Emily is so hard on Lorelai because she is her.
When will you get back to Gilmore Girls?