I made a decision that I'd rather live with the feeling of abandonment than live with a man who constantly triggered me and played on my fears. I've been almost 3 weeks free. Yes, I'm in a dark place in my head, but that dark place was darker when I lived with him.
I didn't make the choice to get out but my ex husband discarded me after 20 years. Friends, old friends and long lost family members came out of the woodwork to offer support. I was so humbled and amazed!
@@monicadehek5484 I felt instantly sick reading your post and my heart went out to you... I hope you are doing well now 5 months later, I wonder how you've been getting along.
The truth is you can still feel and abandoned by someone who is unable to make you feel safe and at ease emotionally while being in a relationship with them. Learning from this the hard way…good news is I’m healing now
All those years ago, my boyfriend treated me very badly, gave me lots of frustration, and I recognized that he was very selfish. He also treated me nicely at times but my instinct told me to run. I didn’t run, I married him and now after 33 years of marriage I don’t think I can take another moment, I have a decision to make.
I just want to add for those on the the other side of the coin the abandonment fear can go the other way. It can rot what could be a decent relationship as you look for issues that may not be there. At it's core is a lack of belief in being worth good relationships, distrust in yourself and others and a lack of ability to navigate mature healthy connection. It can mean you get anxious and second guess yourself at best or isolate yourself at worst. You may push others away, convincing yourself as you do this is for the best for everyone. It may not even be conscious. There's plenty of people who get sick rather than having to go to an event.
So very very true luckily for me my hubby is the most understanding and caring man and together we are getting though it, but no doubt if ones partner is not willing to see their own Childhoodptsd then i thing that would be the most difficult and heartbreaking situation.
I think this is a lot more rare. More so people with CPTSD choose other people with childhood trauma and try to convince themselves they’re sabotaging it or they’re not trying hard enough, because they’re afraid to be alone. That’s been my experience. My mom tells me I’m sabotaging my relationships, I overthink and berate myself about that, but ultimately OUR relationship is toxic, it’s not me or them, it’s us together. I see clear as day 5 after my last relationship that he was narcissistic (in Paul Walkers book on CPTSD that Anna mentions often, this is a result of abuse too, they’re called the ‘Fight type’) and super toxic for me. But I beat myself up for years that I ruined the whole thing. We never would have worked. Our core personalities and values clashed. It’s the same with my current partner. Another wounded person, yet I’m willing to work on myself and heal these things, and he’s in denial about them. Idk I’ve never met someone ruining a perfectly good relationship, usually there’s a reason you’re struggling. Even if you have severe wounds, if someone truly healthy is trying to love you and you really love them back, you’ll find healing in the relationship, you won’t be looking for problems.
I almost cried reading that. I thought I was the only one that does this. It is a sad state to be in. Having a good relationship with, but pushing it away because of your wounds, it’s a terrible feeling.
Ever since I started identifying the abandonment melange it doesn’t have as much power anymore. I am a lot more rational. Your videos have helped me so much, Anna!!
It's difficult to part with a person who is not evil but just careless and pushy. For some reason, I have this internal belief that unless someone does really wrong...i can't break up with them. I feel a lot of brain fog when I try to think about articulating as to why do I want to break up but I just end up getting lost in my head and getting disregulated. I don't know a way out of my head.
People who have fear of having to independently struggle economically also underestimate how down sizing can reinvigorate the hunger inside of us. Discomfort is a powerful motivator
It took me 21 years to leave a toxic marriage. He himself has CPTSD and so do I. Together we were are a world of unhappiness and codependent at the same time. Damaged both our kids in the process. I couldn't get him to leave and didn't have the funds to leave. I worked on positive thinking for a couple years and things started just falling in place for me to leave. My advice - follow Anna and stay positive!
it has taken me over 50 years to understand I, we kids were abused, we all were, lol and I do have Cptsd, and always have, this channel is great. My dad used to throw me down the stairs, hit me, call me horrible names, etc. etc. and my mom was no picnic either, alcoholic home etc. So anyways, it is so good to hear from someone who knows about crappy childhoods and then has gotten PAST IT, tired of being angry etc. this is all good stuff! thanks :))
My bad relationships are not with love interests but with friends of my own gender! Abandonment is my nemesis and am used all the time by other women. Fear of abandonment and belonging issues is major for me. I thought that my mum was a narcissist due to her own trauma ...........but now i realise my mum has Childhood PTSD and my dad too! and sadly so do i now. Mum was dropped off at an orphanage at 12 in India but had siblings older and younger who stayed with the family!! and never got out until she was "rescued" at 19 years old and taken to another country where she met my Irish dad. But he came from parents who were both alcoholics and very poor, and suffered beatings, starvation, and sexual abuse as did my mother in her situation. Anyhoo i am the product of their childhood and needless to say i have Childhood ptsd too from all of the above and what they brought to the table with a terrible destructive relationship.............I have never found complete help from going to therapists as talking about it sets off the Hamster wheel in my head, but i have always thought something was wrong with me. Somehow i found a good man and have a good life and even found something that i am talented in but i am sad or numb and it beggars belief! What you are saying speaks to me in away no one ever has. At 57 i have been trying to fix me and i really feel excited that i might actually be able to do it. I am signing up for a course.......What have i got to lose!!
I left after being significantly rejected & betrayed! Unlike my mother, I have practice self-respect and instead of complaining, I was able to do something about it. Finally, I was able to get out because 2 years ago I faced my fear of working (had a lot of trauma beliefs from past experiences that prevented me from wanting to get a job). I was also betrayed by the 2 other mutual friend roommates. So! I have all those things now in my life, that you mentioned... I smiled as I thought how I have a best friend my age, a woman in her 40s and another in her 60s all there for me. Like 3 generations. It encouraged me that I did the right thing. He tries to reach out still, but so far I have kept my personal commitment, despite missing the good aspects of the connection and feeling lonely. He hasn't even acknowledged what he did. So much of what you said is relevant and will keep me sustained upon this good path. 🙂
Spot on. I noticed that with myself I am silent even with myself- like I don’t trust my own inner voice and when I approach writing - it like everything that floods my head just dries up and goes silent. How do I reclaim my voice and gain my confidence again- it’s been for over 20 years and it is just getting worse. Thank you for your videos.
I encourage you to use the Daily Practice to write what comes us, just as it comes up. "Fear it's all going silent. Fear I've lost my voice..." etc. You write what is actually going on in your head, what troubles you. Try it.
I’ve been in these narcissism/CPTSD spaces on RUclips for years and you seem to be one of the only channels offering concrete solutions for healing. Really grateful I clicked on you. Thank you 🙏🏻
Dear Anna, i am hooked on your videos. I am living with undiagnosed but very possibly a sufferer of CPTSD. childhood and adult traumas. I love my husband and believe in our marriage(8 y.) He is my rock. My everything. But i am his biggest trigger of his traumas, unbeknown to me. It has gone so bad, we are now living in one house but not talking at all. These episodes are reoccurring, last time at the beginning of 2021, he was willingly not talking to me for 6 months. Only now, november 2021, i have finally allow myself to agree that we need to go our separate ways. It is heartbreaking, but inevitable.
A few moments ago i raised this conversation with my partner, I'd reached the point of unbearable pain. He decided to leave and..that's ok. It didn't feel like it, so i came onto your page for some support and this was the most recent video. Thank you so much. You've helped me come out of the strong emotional pain of the abonnement feeling from him leaving.
I just left a similar situation- first question. Luckily had support from my parents and was able to get a tiny house with my son. Before, the thought of leaving would leave me in fear and anxiety usually ending up with me crying in the closet! But OMG I am so happy now!! Just to be away from that negative energy and emotional abuse. I feel at peace. Get out. It’s worth it!
I get so scared of scary people so I run. Thank goodness I'm a scardy cat. I've only had Not good, healthy, nurturing relationships, so I don't consider I really was ever in a real relationship. Being alone with me, is way better than being alone with people that are mean. Yikes! All my boyfriend's tried to get me back, but I learned they don't change, and that they wanted me back because I left, not because they cared. And that helps not going back, because I don't feel abanded when I'm in control, doing the leaving. It's a little mind game I learned to help myself. It works! Plus, I as a child was so terrified all the time I felt no attaçhment to father and step-mother, cause they were cold and scary abusive. As the oldest child, I was always trying to rescue my siblings and I, by reaching out to everyone and anyone, and running away to Grams when I could, but then the law made me go back to hell. My issues are severe with CPTSD, which manifests by being sweet and gentle and super protective of animals and children, in this scary harsh world. I didn't have children cause I felt it would be selfish to bring them into this world. It's all about the vulnerable, so I hope those struggling to leave would understand the damage to the children in the unhealthy environment is now and forever. I hate to go outside cause I will have torturous panic symptoms from how people treat their children and animals. It's hard for me when I'm powerless to help them. But I try try try! If they are scared I feel it. It's brutal! The children are being abanded, if they are not protected!!
I have cptsd and bpd, I can’t speak for others but for me this channel has helped me so much with many symptoms, and brought me from lashing out constantly at loved ones to actually building connections with them 🥰
About the first letter. If you're the leaver, you're already facing up to your own abandonment fear. There's the not-so-small matter of causing pain to the person you're leaving, which can also be a source of fear if you are experienced or sensitive with respect to what abandonment feels like. It's not clear why the assumption is that the person wishing to leave is seen strictly as a victim requiring this advice in the form of encouragement to leave. We're not considering the person who's being left at all, we don't even know why the relationship is hell, etc.
I had a good friend tell me about my ex-husband. If a train is coming towards you get off the tracks. He was good at complaining and blaming. He was a very angry person. He was emotional and mentally abusive. Lesson get out of the train wreak.
I have 2 friends that told me AFTER I left that they had been worried about me. I got blamed for EVERYTHING. I had 2 people call with wrong numbers and he swore it was code and I was seeing a man. I finally blurted out that I didn't want to be with him, much less any other man. I will be single for the rest of my life.
This is my second serious relationship and as time has gone on I’m seeing so many similarities between the two people. My ex was mean and had more of a temper than my current partner, who’s mild-mannered and emotionally stable, but both are extremely emotionally immature and play the most petty, infuriating mind games on a daily basis. Both have social anxiety and are rigid/unadaptable. Everything always revolves around what they want. Both are extremely needy and clingy. Both sabotage my happiness when they feel uncomfortable, which is anytime it’s not just the two of us at home. I see the similarities to my dad, the abuser, but i don’t understand how I keep picking these guys. I thought my current boyfriend was going to be different, I didn’t start to see these qualities until months in. But I need to leave. I’m unhappy. But I’m terrified, so so terrified. I don’t want to go back to living at my moms, I’ll lose the business we’re in together, but more than anything I don’t want to deal with the depression and grief. Your videos help but I’m still so scared. When I’m not in a relationship I’m a huge commitment phobe because of this. I feel like this is always going to repeat so I just need to stay away.
is bad, even for friendships.... id rather stay with friendships in which I get into environments that are bad for me than feeling alone, misunderstood, and as if I had to deny parts of myself... so yes.... when you have CPTSD you 'd rather those relationships than having an important part of yourself being abandoned.
I finally broke up with my boyfriend. It was destined to be a failure from the beginning. He had severe ptsd and I have ptsd, but not as severe. He claimed me in the beginning and told me he couldn’t live without me. So I stayed and stayed. It felt wrong from day one and we didn’t have anything in common, at least not things we could talk about together. We had chemistry in the beginning, but I always felt something was off. I am a pleaser and didn’t want to hurt him and stayed with him. The times I wanted to break up were endless and he was so sad and wanted to kill himself. So I stayed. And helped him, and talked with him, and brought him to the psychiatrist, because one night I didn’t text him because I was busy and he snapped. He kept on texting me the whole night and it was so desperate and sent me hearts every minute and almost screamed why I didn’t respond. I was shocked by this behavior, not even one day I couldn’t have contact with him or he snapped. When I finally convinced him that he really needed help from professionals and made an appointment with a psychiatrist, I went with him. He had so many horrible traumas from very severe child abuse, neglect, a mother who was a prostitute, moving all the time, she set the house on fire for at least five times, he saw his mom have sex with lots of men as a small child, he saw the boyfriend of his mom killed himself and another boyfriend of his mom who tried it. Etc Etc Etc. To much. After he had finally psychological help, the psychologist looked at me and said: you can’t brake up with him because he needs all your help right now. I was in shock because I felt drained and almost lost myself. I broke up with him anyway and I felt so sorry for him and so guilty that before I knew we had a relationship again. And this went on and on and on. Four years later I finally broke up and have no contact anymore. I feel released and like a heavy burden is of my shoulders.
OH MY GOODNESS...I did this 3x...for my children......But sorry NEVER had that support...that's always been the issue...!!!! OK I have had a very amazing girl friend...for the past 10 yrs....She has moved forward...in her life in a 'great way' so I don't want to burden her..too much now.....
I just found your channel yesterday and have watched so many videos already. They have all been so helpful!🙏 I'm struggling in a very toxic relationship right now. Thank you for the hope and guidance I needed. You are amazing!
Anna, I love you, and I thank you so much for releasing all of these materials. You've helped me more than a lot of psychologists or counsellors ever did. I was just recently broken up with by someone who is not right for me. I felt that he wasn't right for me in the beginning of the courting stage, but because of the fear of being alone over covid, we stayed together for companionship. We broke up once and got back together, thinking that it was the covid that was causing our fights. He wasn't able to say I love you after almost a year of being together, and couldn't meet some of my basic emotional needs. Both times, he was the one who broke up with me and came back. I originally thought that he finally realised his feelings for me, but he was still unaware of his emotional unavailability. I know in my heart and in my logical mind that this was a relationship of convenience, not true love. (However I did care and love him despite his inability to talk about his emotions) Luckily, the relationship was not abusive and was respectful, but why is it that I still ruminate over the end even though I knew he wasn't right for me? Perhaps it came from always trying to solve/hoping that my parents would change?
I think I am racking my brain trying to find out what part of the dissolution of the relationship is mine and what is his. I think when he broke up with me the second time, it had made me feel like I'm not enough because I wasn't whom he wanted me to be. (but he knew who I was since we dated for 6 months before the first break up). I'm also confused as to whether I should feel angry. Anna, how do I stop going in circles in my thinking?
I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few years ago. I work as hard as I possibly can on my issues through therapy, videos, reading, exercise, learning coping skills, etc... I was in a long term relationship for about 8 years on and off. Throughout the last 4 years it had gotten really rough! I believe I became more and more disappointed and withdrawn over my asking my girlfriend (at the time) to research depression/CPTSD for me/us to help her understand how I sometimes get down and struggle. After years of asking and at times it seemed I begged she never once did it. Just adamantly refused to with no excuse either except for she just don't understand it and really wasn't willing to either. I came to the point finally im done! Along with a couple other problems we had and her lack of caring about any of this i was just finally done! Question is... Is this a reasonable request? Was it controlling or selfish of me to ask over and over? Would it be something others would just have overlooked and tolerated??? Thanks for any input...
Great help. If the person is taking opioid drugs self medicating themselves. How can this person know what she is doing. I can not get this person help she fits everything you are saying. She needs to detox first and stop the alcohol. Pray is all I can do. Give her to God.
@Katherine Brant I'm sorry to hear you feel so stuck, maybe working with some of the techniques - I suggest starting with the Daily Practice crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy
Hi.. thank you so much for sharing of yourself and all the knowledge you've gained through experience with us. Watching your vide'os have helped me alòt to understand so many things about myself, my life and people in general. Having a curious and analizing personality caused me to always dig deeper to the root of something and one deals easier with stuff once you understànd whàt has happened in your life and what caused it and what I can do to heal to become the person God intended me to be.. the best version of myself for His sake as well as everybody else's sake. So I thank you again for every topic covered and for your time and heàrt to want to help so many people to heal. Your kind soul/spirit speaks straight to our hearts. God bless 🌷🌿
Anna, what do you advise when the persons with manipulative and abusive behavior is your 90 year old parent? The abuse has occurred since early childhood throughout early adulthood. Sometimes there is a half hearted apology but mostly just more abuse, like that happened long ago (or that never happened) so get over it. However, Parent will rail on about the abuse she suffered as a child and adult like it occurred yesterday. I’ve used distance and low contact for years with success but now I am facing having to see them regularly and spend time dealing with them and their issues in their last years. I’m starting to react to them again. What do you suggest to help? The few other family involved are co dependent and believe the fake front or don’t want to see or can’t. I feel isolated. Most other family is gone or left.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy update finally did it fully and talked it through and everything, i tried not to make it annyones fault and be clear and honest 💞
"get an appartment", in Sweden there is a 10 year queue in most places and most people cannot get an apartment whenever, so I think there are a lot of people who cannot leave their partners when they want to/need to here. it's sad.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yeah its a really sad situation and I hope it changes soon. (Sweden seems like its much worse than other places though, so it was not a critique in any way just a footnote for how its like here :< thank you for the videos and have a great day!)
Hello, Anna. After waiting for almost a year to begin my EMDR therapy, because of COVID-19, my therapist is now sick with COVID and said she doesn't know when she'll be able to work again. Do you think EMDR apps could be of any use for people not able to go to real therapy? I was able to find many of those apps for iOS but haven't tried them yet. Thanks a lot!
Because 50% of the time is great 😌 and i hold onto hope it can become all great... I know but at 54 and having dated a lot I haven’t found a healthy man so what if all I find afterwords is more toxic men sigh 😔
This is so true. To be able to have the proper sight and foresee the consequences. I just wish to forgive myself because I had not the sight and 12 years later, the karma unfolds due to that lack of sight caused by childhood abuse unreckoned and unresolved. Thank you for this gem. Blessings to you.
I made a decision that I'd rather live with the feeling of abandonment than live with a man who constantly triggered me and played on my fears. I've been almost 3 weeks free. Yes, I'm in a dark place in my head, but that dark place was darker when I lived with him.
I didn't make the choice to get out but my ex husband discarded me after 20 years. Friends, old friends and long lost family members came out of the woodwork to offer support. I was so humbled and amazed!
@@monicadehek5484 I felt instantly sick reading your post and my heart went out to you... I hope you are doing well now 5 months later, I wonder how you've been getting along.
@@bev9708 Thank you! I'm doing awesome and living my second life 😊
@@monicadehek5484 VERY happy to hear that Monica!! Bravo!!
The truth is you can still feel and abandoned by someone who is unable to make you feel safe and at ease emotionally while being in a relationship with them. Learning from this the hard way…good news is I’m healing now
A;lways remember...being alone is much better than being with the wrong and toxic person.
All those years ago, my boyfriend treated me very badly, gave me lots of frustration, and I recognized that he was very selfish. He also treated me nicely at times but my instinct told me to run. I didn’t run, I married him and now after 33 years of marriage I don’t think I can take another moment, I have a decision to make.
Best of luck- sounds very difficult
I just want to add for those on the the other side of the coin the abandonment fear can go the other way. It can rot what could be a decent relationship as you look for issues that may not be there. At it's core is a lack of belief in being worth good relationships, distrust in yourself and others and a lack of ability to navigate mature healthy connection. It can mean you get anxious and second guess yourself at best or isolate yourself at worst. You may push others away, convincing yourself as you do this is for the best for everyone. It may not even be conscious. There's plenty of people who get sick rather than having to go to an event.
So very very true luckily for me my hubby is the most understanding and caring man and together we are getting though it, but no doubt if ones partner is not willing to see their own Childhoodptsd then i thing that would be the most difficult and heartbreaking situation.
YES! Thank you. She went right to "leave" without even addressing the toxicity she is bringing to the relationship.
I think this is a lot more rare. More so people with CPTSD choose other people with childhood trauma and try to convince themselves they’re sabotaging it or they’re not trying hard enough, because they’re afraid to be alone.
That’s been my experience. My mom tells me I’m sabotaging my relationships, I overthink and berate myself about that, but ultimately OUR relationship is toxic, it’s not me or them, it’s us together. I see clear as day 5 after my last relationship that he was narcissistic (in Paul Walkers book on CPTSD that Anna mentions often, this is a result of abuse too, they’re called the ‘Fight type’) and super toxic for me. But I beat myself up for years that I ruined the whole thing. We never would have worked. Our core personalities and values clashed. It’s the same with my current partner. Another wounded person, yet I’m willing to work on myself and heal these things, and he’s in denial about them.
Idk I’ve never met someone ruining a perfectly good relationship, usually there’s a reason you’re struggling. Even if you have severe wounds, if someone truly healthy is trying to love you and you really love them back, you’ll find healing in the relationship, you won’t be looking for problems.
I almost cried reading that. I thought I was the only one that does this. It is a sad state to be in. Having a good relationship with, but pushing it away because of your wounds, it’s a terrible feeling.
Ever since I started identifying the abandonment melange it doesn’t have as much power anymore. I am a lot more rational. Your videos have helped me so much, Anna!!
Yay!
It's difficult to part with a person who is not evil but just careless and pushy. For some reason, I have this internal belief that unless someone does really wrong...i can't break up with them. I feel a lot of brain fog when I try to think about articulating as to why do I want to break up but I just end up getting lost in my head and getting disregulated. I don't know a way out of my head.
People who have fear of having to independently struggle economically also underestimate how down sizing can reinvigorate the hunger inside of us. Discomfort is a powerful motivator
Discomfort and fears are powerful motivators- hard to change much if we are comfortable :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It took me 21 years to leave a toxic marriage. He himself has CPTSD and so do I. Together we were are a world of unhappiness and codependent at the same time. Damaged both our kids in the process. I couldn't get him to leave and didn't have the funds to leave. I worked on positive thinking for a couple years and things started just falling in place for me to leave. My advice - follow Anna and stay positive!
I'm glad you got out of a bad marriage, thanks for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
it has taken me over 50 years to understand I, we kids were abused, we all were, lol and I do have Cptsd, and always have, this channel is great. My dad used to throw me down the stairs, hit me, call me horrible names, etc. etc. and my mom was no picnic either, alcoholic home etc. So anyways, it is so good to hear from someone who knows about crappy childhoods and then has gotten PAST IT, tired of being angry etc. this is all good stuff! thanks :))
I'm sorry you had to go through that as a little child, and I'm VERY glad you're here. I do understand, and so do so many others here.
My bad relationships are not with love interests but with friends of my own gender! Abandonment is my nemesis and am used all the time by other women. Fear of abandonment and belonging issues is major for me.
I thought that my mum was a narcissist due to her own trauma ...........but now i realise my mum has Childhood PTSD and my dad too! and sadly so do i now.
Mum was dropped off at an orphanage at 12 in India but had siblings older and younger who stayed with the family!! and never got out until she was "rescued" at 19 years old and taken to another country where she met my Irish dad.
But he came from parents who were both alcoholics and very poor, and suffered beatings, starvation, and sexual abuse as did my mother in her situation.
Anyhoo i am the product of their childhood and needless to say i have Childhood ptsd too from all of the above and what they brought to the table with a terrible destructive relationship.............I have never found complete help from going to therapists as talking about it sets off the Hamster wheel in my head, but i have always thought something was wrong with me.
Somehow i found a good man and have a good life and even found something that i am talented in but i am sad or numb and it beggars belief!
What you are saying speaks to me in away no one ever has. At 57 i have been trying to fix me and i really feel excited that i might actually be able to do it. I am signing up for a course.......What have i got to lose!!
I left after being significantly rejected & betrayed! Unlike my mother, I have practice self-respect and instead of complaining, I was able to do something about it. Finally, I was able to get out because 2 years ago I faced my fear of working (had a lot of trauma beliefs from past experiences that prevented me from wanting to get a job).
I was also betrayed by the 2 other mutual friend roommates.
So! I have all those things now in my life, that you mentioned... I smiled as I thought how I have a best friend my age, a woman in her 40s and another in her 60s all there for me. Like 3 generations. It encouraged me that I did the right thing.
He tries to reach out still, but so far I have kept my personal commitment, despite missing the good aspects of the connection and feeling lonely. He hasn't even acknowledged what he did. So much of what you said is relevant and will keep me sustained upon this good path. 🙂
Spot on. I noticed that with myself I am silent even with myself- like I don’t trust my own inner voice and when I approach writing - it like everything that floods my head just dries up and goes silent. How do I reclaim my voice and gain my confidence again- it’s been for over 20 years and it is just getting worse.
Thank you for your videos.
I encourage you to use the Daily Practice to write what comes us, just as it comes up. "Fear it's all going silent. Fear I've lost my voice..." etc. You write what is actually going on in your head, what troubles you. Try it.
I’ve been in these narcissism/CPTSD spaces on RUclips for years and you seem to be one of the only channels offering concrete solutions for healing. Really grateful I clicked on you. Thank you 🙏🏻
We are all about real and do-able solutions, helped many of us soooo much :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes Anna is on POINT!
Dear Anna, i am hooked on your videos. I am living with undiagnosed but very possibly a sufferer of CPTSD. childhood and adult traumas. I love my husband and believe in our marriage(8 y.) He is my rock. My everything. But i am his biggest trigger of his traumas, unbeknown to me. It has gone so bad, we are now living in one house but not talking at all. These episodes are reoccurring, last time at the beginning of 2021, he was willingly not talking to me for 6 months.
Only now, november 2021, i have finally allow myself to agree that we need to go our separate ways. It is heartbreaking, but inevitable.
A few moments ago i raised this conversation with my partner, I'd reached the point of unbearable pain. He decided to leave and..that's ok. It didn't feel like it, so i came onto your page for some support and this was the most recent video. Thank you so much. You've helped me come out of the strong emotional pain of the abonnement feeling from him leaving.
I just left a similar situation- first question. Luckily had support from my parents and was able to get a tiny house with my son. Before, the thought of leaving would leave me in fear and anxiety usually ending up with me crying in the closet! But OMG I am so happy now!! Just to be away from that negative energy and emotional abuse. I feel at peace. Get out. It’s worth it!
Good luck to you!
I get so scared of scary people so I run. Thank goodness I'm a scardy cat. I've only had Not good, healthy, nurturing relationships, so I don't consider I really was ever in a real relationship. Being alone with me, is way better than being alone with people that are mean. Yikes! All my boyfriend's tried to get me back, but I learned they don't change, and that they wanted me back because I left, not because they cared. And that helps not going back, because I don't feel abanded when I'm in control, doing the leaving. It's a little mind game I learned to help myself. It works! Plus, I as a child was so terrified all the time I felt no attaçhment to father and step-mother, cause they were cold and scary abusive. As the oldest child, I was always trying to rescue my siblings and I, by reaching out to everyone and anyone, and running away to Grams when I could, but then the law made me go back to hell. My issues are severe with CPTSD, which manifests by being sweet and gentle and super protective of animals and children, in this scary harsh world. I didn't have children cause I felt it would be selfish to bring them into this world. It's all about the vulnerable, so I hope those struggling to leave would understand the damage to the children in the unhealthy environment is now and forever. I hate to go outside cause I will have torturous panic symptoms from how people treat their children and animals. It's hard for me when I'm powerless to help them. But I try try try! If they are scared I feel it. It's brutal! The children are being abanded, if they are not protected!!
@@Astharia Caring Hugs for understanding. 😁💖💞💕❤️❣️
I have cptsd and bpd, I can’t speak for others but for me this channel has helped me so much with many symptoms, and brought me from lashing out constantly at loved ones to actually building connections with them 🥰
That's wonderful to hear!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You describe how I feel perfectly every time!! You have helped me more than years of therapy! More than anyone! Thank you truly
About the first letter. If you're the leaver, you're already facing up to your own abandonment fear. There's the not-so-small matter of causing pain to the person you're leaving, which can also be a source of fear if you are experienced or sensitive with respect to what abandonment feels like. It's not clear why the assumption is that the person wishing to leave is seen strictly as a victim requiring this advice in the form of encouragement to leave. We're not considering the person who's being left at all, we don't even know why the relationship is hell, etc.
Fear, Grief and Rage!!! So true! I had a bout of it 6+ months ago when I found out my dad was having an affair. Perfectly described! Thx!
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I had a good friend tell me about my ex-husband. If a train is coming towards you get off the tracks. He was good at complaining and blaming. He was a very angry person. He was emotional and mentally abusive. Lesson get out of the train wreak.
Brilliant. You are right.
I have 2 friends that told me AFTER I left that they had been worried about me. I got blamed for EVERYTHING. I had 2 people call with wrong numbers and he swore it was code and I was seeing a man. I finally blurted out that I didn't want to be with him, much less any other man. I will be single for the rest of my life.
This is my second serious relationship and as time has gone on I’m seeing so many similarities between the two people. My ex was mean and had more of a temper than my current partner, who’s mild-mannered and emotionally stable, but both are extremely emotionally immature and play the most petty, infuriating mind games on a daily basis.
Both have social anxiety and are rigid/unadaptable. Everything always revolves around what they want. Both are extremely needy and clingy. Both sabotage my happiness when they feel uncomfortable, which is anytime it’s not just the two of us at home.
I see the similarities to my dad, the abuser, but i don’t understand how I keep picking these guys. I thought my current boyfriend was going to be different, I didn’t start to see these qualities until months in.
But I need to leave. I’m unhappy. But I’m terrified, so so terrified. I don’t want to go back to living at my moms, I’ll lose the business we’re in together, but more than anything I don’t want to deal with the depression and grief.
Your videos help but I’m still so scared. When I’m not in a relationship I’m a huge commitment phobe because of this.
I feel like this is always going to repeat so I just need to stay away.
is bad, even for friendships.... id rather stay with friendships in which I get into environments that are bad for me than feeling alone, misunderstood, and as if I had to deny parts of myself... so yes.... when you have CPTSD you 'd rather those relationships than having an important part of yourself being abandoned.
I finally broke up with my boyfriend. It was destined to be a failure from the beginning. He had severe ptsd and I have ptsd, but not as severe. He claimed me in the beginning and told me he couldn’t live without me. So I stayed and stayed. It felt wrong from day one and we didn’t have anything in common, at least not things we could talk about together. We had chemistry in the beginning, but I always felt something was off. I am a pleaser and didn’t want to hurt him and stayed with him. The times I wanted to break up were endless and he was so sad and wanted to kill himself. So I stayed. And helped him, and talked with him, and brought him to the psychiatrist, because one night I didn’t text him because I was busy and he snapped. He kept on texting me the whole night and it was so desperate and sent me hearts every minute and almost screamed why I didn’t respond.
I was shocked by this behavior, not even one day I couldn’t have contact with him or he snapped.
When I finally convinced him that he really needed help from professionals and made an appointment with a psychiatrist, I went with him. He had so many horrible traumas from very severe child abuse, neglect, a mother who was a prostitute, moving all the time, she set the house on fire for at least five times, he saw his mom have sex with lots of men as a small child, he saw the boyfriend of his mom killed himself and another boyfriend of his mom who tried it. Etc Etc Etc. To much.
After he had finally psychological help, the psychologist looked at me and said: you can’t brake up with him because he needs all your help right now.
I was in shock because I felt drained and almost lost myself. I broke up with him anyway and I felt so sorry for him and so guilty that before I knew we had a relationship again. And this went on and on and on.
Four years later I finally broke up and have no contact anymore. I feel released and like a heavy burden is of my shoulders.
I'm glad you're free now, it takes what it takes!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank You 🙏🏻
Thank you for bringing SO MUCH CLARITY into my life, thank you!!
So glad!
-Cara@TeamFairy
OH MY GOODNESS...I did this 3x...for my children......But sorry NEVER had that support...that's always been the issue...!!!! OK I have had a very amazing girl friend...for the past 10 yrs....She has moved forward...in her life in a 'great way' so I don't want to burden her..too much now.....
I just found your channel yesterday and have watched so many videos already. They have all been so helpful!🙏 I'm struggling in a very toxic relationship right now. Thank you for the hope and guidance I needed. You are amazing!
Thank you! What good timing!
Wanting and hoping someone would change comes from something old like wanting and hoping your parents would change. Wow!! Another one!
Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy
Such smart answers, I'm gonna watch this again!
Anna, I love you, and I thank you so much for releasing all of these materials. You've helped me more than a lot of psychologists or counsellors ever did. I was just recently broken up with by someone who is not right for me. I felt that he wasn't right for me in the beginning of the courting stage, but because of the fear of being alone over covid, we stayed together for companionship. We broke up once and got back together, thinking that it was the covid that was causing our fights. He wasn't able to say I love you after almost a year of being together, and couldn't meet some of my basic emotional needs. Both times, he was the one who broke up with me and came back. I originally thought that he finally realised his feelings for me, but he was still unaware of his emotional unavailability. I know in my heart and in my logical mind that this was a relationship of convenience, not true love. (However I did care and love him despite his inability to talk about his emotions) Luckily, the relationship was not abusive and was respectful, but why is it that I still ruminate over the end even though I knew he wasn't right for me? Perhaps it came from always trying to solve/hoping that my parents would change?
I think I am racking my brain trying to find out what part of the dissolution of the relationship is mine and what is his. I think when he broke up with me the second time, it had made me feel like I'm not enough because I wasn't whom he wanted me to be. (but he knew who I was since we dated for 6 months before the first break up). I'm also confused as to whether I should feel angry. Anna, how do I stop going in circles in my thinking?
These kinds of ruinations ca be torture, I have a free course called the 'Daily Practice' here crappychildhoodfairy.com/ which can help with that.
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️ you cant Imagine how thankfull i am of you. My heart is in My hands..
His npd has crushed me for 20 years now I'm too sick and poor to leave
This video was excellent. Thank you, Anna. :)
Glad you liked it!
Tysm. You're worth your weight in GOLD ♡♡♡
OMG you are such a f***ing STAR! Feeling so lucky to have found your channel... 🤗
Goodness. Thank you.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few years ago. I work as hard as I possibly can on my issues through therapy, videos, reading, exercise, learning coping skills, etc... I was in a long term relationship for about 8 years on and off. Throughout the last 4 years it had gotten really rough! I believe I became more and more disappointed and withdrawn over my asking my girlfriend (at the time) to research depression/CPTSD for me/us to help her understand how I sometimes get down and struggle. After years of asking and at times it seemed I begged she never once did it. Just adamantly refused to with no excuse either except for she just don't understand it and really wasn't willing to either. I came to the point finally im done! Along with a couple other problems we had and her lack of caring about any of this i was just finally done! Question is... Is this a reasonable request? Was it controlling or selfish of me to ask over and over? Would it be something others would just have overlooked and tolerated??? Thanks for any input...
I suggest writing in at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Miss CCFairy your encouragement just pierces through these short videos. Thank you! :D 🧸♥
THANK You Anna I am Ready For Healing MYSELF. 🌈🏴😍💜💖🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Great help. If the person is taking opioid drugs self medicating themselves. How can this person know what she is doing.
I can not get this person help she fits everything you are saying. She needs to detox first and stop the alcohol. Pray is all I can do. Give her to God.
Thank you for this video. It was very helpful.
Been trying to leave for two and half years, the abandonment is so strong though that I always go back 😔
Ask yourself this: Would I treat others the way I’m being treated? Keep asking yourself this until you finally hear your own answer.
@Katherine Brant I'm sorry to hear you feel so stuck, maybe working with some of the techniques - I suggest starting with the Daily Practice
crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi.. thank you so much for sharing of yourself and all the knowledge you've gained through experience with us. Watching your vide'os have helped me alòt to understand so many things about myself, my life and people in general. Having a curious and analizing personality caused me to always dig deeper to the root of something and one deals easier with stuff once you understànd whàt has happened in your life and what caused it and what I can do to heal to become the person God intended me to be.. the best version of myself for His sake as well as everybody else's sake. So I thank you again for every topic covered and for your time and heàrt to want to help so many people to heal. Your kind soul/spirit speaks straight to our hearts. God bless 🌷🌿
I am getting the morning ritual
of writing
an extremely useless fear
and, burning it in garden fireplace,
thanks for the idea.
Nice!
Anna, what do you advise when the persons with manipulative and abusive behavior is your 90 year old parent? The abuse has occurred since early childhood throughout early adulthood. Sometimes there is a half hearted apology but mostly just more abuse, like that happened long ago (or that never happened) so get over it. However, Parent will rail on about the abuse she suffered as a child and adult like it occurred yesterday. I’ve used distance and low contact for years with success but now I am facing having to see them regularly and spend time dealing with them and their issues in their last years. I’m starting to react to them again. What do you suggest to help? The few other family involved are co dependent and believe the fake front or don’t want to see or can’t. I feel isolated. Most other family is gone or left.
Good morning Crappy fams.
I hope you and yours are safe and well
🌱🌏💚
You too!!
Thank you!
Wonderful information! Thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
"The way we don't have anybody is, we were hiding things." BINGO.
:)
Guuurrl u know my life
And you know mine. We can do this!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yea i just tried hard to break up yesterday and half way there im hoping to go back to therapy this year
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy update finally did it fully and talked it through and everything, i tried not to make it annyones fault and be clear and honest 💞
I fear I would go back to that dark place in my mind. I was in that exact place a year ago. Thanks god he broke up with me
You're safe & sound :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
good stuff
Wonderful advice, thank you
Glad you enjoyed it!
dont know much about this stuff, but thanks for your information anyway, i'll pass it on to someone i think it'll help.
"Asking for a friend," eh? Just kidding. That's awesome! Thanks!
Thank you.
Thank you so much for the work you do. Helps me so much. I love your energy you are so comforting! THANK YOU 😊❤️❤️
Happy to help!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"get an appartment", in Sweden there is a 10 year queue in most places and most people cannot get an apartment whenever, so I think there are a lot of people who cannot leave their partners when they want to/need to here. it's sad.
Fair point, thanks :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yeah its a really sad situation and I hope it changes soon. (Sweden seems like its much worse than other places though, so it was not a critique in any way just a footnote for how its like here :< thank you for the videos and have a great day!)
Hello, Anna. After waiting for almost a year to begin my EMDR therapy, because of COVID-19, my therapist is now sick with COVID and said she doesn't know when she'll be able to work again. Do you think EMDR apps could be of any use for people not able to go to real therapy? I was able to find many of those apps for iOS but haven't tried them yet. Thanks a lot!
Because 50% of the time is great 😌 and i hold onto hope it can become all great... I know but at 54 and having dated a lot I haven’t found a healthy man so what if all I find afterwords is more toxic men sigh 😔
The more we work on healing our CPTSD, the more we spot those toxic types earlier on.
-Cara@TeamFairy
The best solution I found is to not get involved in the first place...
Definitely the best solution for those who don't, in their hearts, long for a partner.
This is so true. To be able to have the proper sight and foresee the consequences. I just wish to forgive myself because I had not the sight and 12 years later, the karma unfolds due to that lack of sight caused by childhood abuse unreckoned and unresolved. Thank you for this gem. Blessings to you.
I'm never going to be able to leave 💔
Try the Daily Practice :) bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
So this applies to women only apparently.
Not at all, Anna simply speaks more from the perspective she knows :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Is it possible to put the 2nd question as a separate video so I could share it: "how to get your partner to see that their cptsd is ruining YOUR life"