Cure Your Fear of Disappointing People | Mel Robbins
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- Опубликовано: 11 июл 2024
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"How can I pursue and do things I want without the fear of what other people will think?"
This question is actually, "How do I get rid of my fear of disappointing people?"
In this video, I explain the answer-and how the fear of disappointing people (which many of us have) is actually a habit you developed a LONG time ago. How to change the habit? Find its root.
In this video, I share how to identify the root that will help you have a better understanding of your habits so you can see them for what they are and take the power away from this completely real and totally unnecessary fear.
Trigger warning: I do share a personal experience with sexual assault so mature audiences only.
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Wow!! “The fear of disappointing people turned me into a liar” I needed to hear that. Thank you Mel!
. She got a wow out of me, too. Wow. That sure explains a lot.
Damn preach girl.
"The fear of disappointing people, turned me into a liar". 🤯 Wow, if that isnt the most profound truth I've ever heard. Its amazing what we learn about ourselves just by listening to other people. I love Mel Robbins!❤
Me too! I found her just recently. "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."
Reminder to everyone here: it is not your job to make other ppl happy. You can try to avoid disappointing others or "making a scene" until the end of time, but at the end of the day, you can't change how other ppl react to you or how happy they are. The only person's happiness you are responsible for is YOUR OWN because after all, you are going to spend the rest of your life with yourself (little Buddha wisdom).
I've been trying to remember these things too. Peace everybody :)
I remember mom lecturing me, "Can you see now that you were interrupting and speaking when [her friend] was buzy?". And I felt really really really small.
She was talking to her friend, I was maybe 10, I was really excited about something and wanted to tell mom about it really badly.
She wanted to teach me to respect other people but what I heard is that those people's experiences are worth more than mine.
So I learned to not speak up in order to not cause a scene or to cause people to be disappointed in me. I am ready to be ready to be ready to let that shit go.
Nyckelpiga This was just like reading my own story!
It’s amazing how much a moment like that can really affect your life, only a few seconds of agony stretched out to many years
Think about u r talking to ur friend and ur 10 year old comes with some great stories... u'll also treat the child in the same way...what ur mother said is true. Sometimes children are pushed to learn hard LESSONS of life by this way... So don't think you faced something unwanted....it is all part of our learning process to live in the society.Stay Happy 👍
@@devgowri There’s more than one way of teaching a lesson, Dev.
We don’t have a say in how kids internalise what they’re told, especially if we’re not their parents.
This is why communicating feelings is very important. We need to be aware of where we stand with the kids.
@That one cat your mother chose over you lol
Dev’s probably just a very firm believer in the “tough love” kind of parenting.
But I see where you’re coming from. There are ways to get children to understand us without hurting their feelings.
I don’t know what Dev’s response would be but I hope the conversation doesn’t become stressful for you. I think you’ve been through enough pain today.
That "strategy to avoid a scene" really is gold
It's spot-on. I grew up with a father who was (mostly) emotionally abusive to my mother and has been for 50+ years. When they would get into a fight when I was a child, I would retreat to my "safe spot" - my bedroom and pretend it was going to be ok. My father created so many scenes over the years that I didn't want to create more of them. So I developed a huge fear of disappointing others and created a strategy of lying to avoid making more scenes.
OMG, Mel, you are a Godsend. I so needed to hear your words today. I have lived with that fear for 83 years - I’ve heard “what will people think?” a zillion times over my lifetime. So I have developed a pretty good strategy for lying to combat that fear while all along feeling like shit. Even now, as I contemplate my inner GPS and figure out how to recalculate my life with a plan for writing about some of my experiences that might help someone else, that old strategy sticks its ugly head in my face. Thank you, Mel - I may be a late bloomer, but I’m not done growing. 54321 GO.
You go girl!
I really loved reading your comment! Thank you! Sending love!
Mel has hit the spot with me, as my crippling fear of other peoples opinions and judgement turned me into a pathological, compulsive liar. I was hiding my true self from the world. I was ashamed. NOW I know what to work on so that I can rebuild my life step by step.
I was able to stop "people pleasing" once, as an adult, I worked on my own self esteem and self worth. Making decisions regarding others where I was not the one sacrificing came easy once I really cared about myself. As a kid I got my self worth from my parents and siblings, which is a bummer when you are raised with dysfunction:)
I think my fear of work is caused by the fact that it feels like the fear of my father screaming at me if I don't do something right. When I'm presented with a possibility of failing something I rather not do it at all, because I might fail at it and then get "yelled at".
Wow...I feel the same exact way
It hurts so much to be yelled at or to be reprimended for something you did, those feelings led me to perfectionism, that way I wouldn't be chastised ever.
turns out I have ADHD. But that other stuff probably doesn't help.
omg, I had this "kaboooom" moment where I just realised so much more about myself. Ive drove myself into so much anxiety and stress because of trying to always be perfect so everyone like me, so that noone can critisise me (like you talked about in another video). I really dont want to dissapoint other people and when I watched this I realised I was several times locked in my room when I was little (like a timeout) because I cried og was angry for something, but my parents never helped me understand my feelings. I was supposed to stay in my room, and come out when I was behaved. I mean, what do you learn your kid by that? lock your feelings inside you, pretend nothing happened and behave. I really think this has made me make a strategy to be so good that I dont disapoint people
I remember when my Dad and Mum separated, and EVERY time my mum got reminded of my dad, through things I did, she would always tell me (yell at me) that I was "Just like him".
I've lived with that feeling for the last 2 decades and I am sick of it. I want to be me. I can't help that sometimes I act like him. I can't choose my parents...
Thanks for your video. It really helps. I do the whole "Please everyone else before yourself" thing, and yeah, lying alot to keep the peace too. 2020 will be different. I need my sanity.
I just moved back in with my dad as an adult. We're talking for the first time in 20 years about my parents divorce and I realise now how much of an impact that has on my psyche daily still.
Frayed sanity, how are you doing?
@@caitlynharbidge3056 I can't talk to my dad anymore ⚰😪 he passed in 2007. I had so many questions.
I can still talk to my mum, but the way she reacts when talking about hars issues makes it VERY uncomfortable. I don't think I'll ever get an apology over how she acted towards me back then...
Yes! Very well said! Survival Styles that we develop when we are young are most often not useful in adult life. But recognising it and empathising with yourself is the first step. Thank you for sharing your process xx
I really needed to hear this! I came to that realization much later in life than age 27. This video has helped solidify why I fear disappointing people, and has given me a strategy to move on. Finally! Bless you Mel! Thanks.
Mel!!! You did it again!!!! I have been trying to figure out why am such a people pleaser. After listening to this I understand that my people pleasing comes from my fear of disappointing people and where that came from.
Wow Mel - thank you. This triggered an ultimate AHA-OMG-WTF moment. This changes everything as I move forward from this moment on. And yes, I have a lot of empathy for myself as well.
Thank you thank you thank you for helping me feel normal and teaching me to have empathy for my younger self. Thank you for your bravery as I see it. Love from the New Forest UK xxxx
I watched this because I just am not going to apologize when I’m not sorry. I have always been a people pleaser but I just don’t want to have to be someone else to make another person happy.
Woke up at 5am after a nightmare about forgetting to fly back from holidays and missing an event at work (I work in corporate events). I ve dreamt before about similar settings but this time was so intense that I could connect it straight away with a deep subconscious fear of disappointing others. I grabbed my notebook and started to write it on paper. I could reconnect with some experiences as a child/early teen that felt the same way and I went on to research it on youtube to find more information about it, landing on this video.
Thank you very much for the guidelines and for making us feel overstood.
I am now ready to let go of this coping mechanism with appreciation for having permitted my survival. I am now ready to show up as my authentic self and share my true feelings without fear.
Thought I d start from here first :)
This really really helped me. I’m always scared of calling my teacher because I’m scared of saying the wrong answer or saying I don’t know so much I feel so disappointing to her. But now I understand :))
Thanks for posting this Mel, pure gold ❤️
For me, I don't think I started to lie as much as I just started to ignore situations. I thought I was only self-sabotaging myself with this in my professional career, but after watching this video, I see how it also affected my personal life and relationships with friends and family. I've been searching for these answers for a while now. Now I understand what I need to change and why. Thanks for this video.
Omg. That completely makes sense. Thanks for sharing this.
Oh my God. I cried.
Wai- Wha- How?!
Can’t believe how well that that touched my core and childhood...
Mel Robbins has great knowlege...and she inspires people for great change in life
I don't know how I hadn't seen this one before, but it was important. Mel, I had no idea why I was coming off as inauthentic. I had lost memories. I don't know all that happened. I can pin down a few instances though so your story helped me. Much love!
Thank you, my higher self, for bringing to my attention ( in the form of a panic attack) an opportunity to teach my younger self to be true to myself without feeling guilty, and to no be afraid of people reaction to me defending my boundaries. I can guiltlessly say no in a loving way and deal with any and all amounts of negative effects that “no” creates. I don’t need to make any excuses and I fully live in the space where I speak my truth and trust I can handle the consequences and acknowledge I have powers to mitigate, defuse, refute, and all out defend my true self.
That panic attack was my sub conscious alerting me to an opportunity to heal and grow. Thank you anxiety, I needed that and the message was received and you can relax now my current consciousness has control of the situation and if I need help, I can rely on higher self to be there for me.
fear of disappiontment turned me to a liar..... I cried when you said that.... I can't thank you enough for opening this up to me.... I am so regretful whenever I'm lying but couldn't control it.. now i understand why I do and I'll definitely find another strategy...thanks mel... love from india
I cannot tell you how much this video just helped me. ❤
This resonates with me so much. Thank you.
Thank you so much Mel for what you teach. You are amazing I appreciate you very much 😎
this is exactly what i thought, thanks Mel Robbins.
Bravo! That is true! Thank you so much!
I love that it is very tangible advice to use in your life
Why do i feel hugged when I watch you talking😍😍
Wow! Just wow! I get exactly what you are saying.
Thank you Mel 🙏🏻
This really hits home
This has been my whole life.
Its just been recently that i got into such wisdom of walking on the path of finding myself and understanding truth of relationships . The thing is that although i have to an extent managed to understand myself and my relations ( though not perfected it yet ) but how to make my kids understand it too . Because i developed a pattern while growing up and it took 20 years to find my ground and have made my kids too get similar pattern of thinking . I want them to know the real picture but dont know how
Thanks. I think that fear of dissapointing my father is one of the resaons why I can't bring myself to work on things I find that are required of me. It''s a fear of not wanting to make someone upset that I found the solution to as to not do the thing at all. In whic case I cannot fail at it since I never do it. Of course if I don't do it then I will actually fail at it, but it feels like it won't be my fault because I wasn't in control of it. Now to deal with those fears which is the hard part. The way to deal with it I think for me is to live the way I want to without fearing for what will happen to me.
wish I knew this as a kid! Amazing!
....and in my 20s, 30s, 40s....oh man.
Brey Noelle plenty of time xo
What a SHOCK to the system realization of how I became so secretive and a liar until age 47!!! Thank you Mel. God bless you.
Damn that's deep and powerful and I unloaded quite a bit of why im people pleaser or avoid conflict.. parts of it is either ptsd or a fight would break out so survival, but also I felt when bilelitled or not enough (and not directly directed at me,) i would either have to try to please or appease them or my mother to not have an uproar and loss of emotional contact from my mom and feeling sadness or just anxious emotion
Just bought your book 5 second rule
Now just waiting delivery
Love your work
Cheers
Well god damn, Mel. Here I am on my 29th birthday ready to make a big change to my life. Thank you.
If I finally share my feelings about someone or something that have happened, something that had truelly hurt me. I automaticly fill that conversation with not only my version of how I perceived it, but also their version of how they probably have perceived it and that I might have perceived it wrong myself. I tell them that I understand their decisions in that way. I try to keep the conversation light and try to avoid the conflict by almost agreeing that what they did to me was okay. As if I am not worthy to be treated better. By aggreeing with them I tried to avoid the conflict. But this kept the conflict in myself alive, because it was not solved. These people thought that it was okay now because I made them believe that understanding their point of view was the conflict. While eventually that they hurt me didn't cross their minds. I am trying to learn myself now to choose for me, and not being afraid anymore of disapproval and conflict.
I tried to tell the truth, but i was punished for it. It didn't stop me though. I will make a scene if that is it takes. I am very successful in my life, and I attribute it to being truthful. The truth will set you free. 🐴
You are a life saver ❤
glad I watched this!
Excellent post. Fear debilitates many of us and prevents us, even if we know what we really want in life, from believing that we can have it or that we are worthy of it. It' makes contentment very hard to hold onto and usually fleeting. Fear trickles into all aspects of life, including how we choose relationships. In my opinion, it drives us to surround ourselves with those who will never ask or expect anything of us as we feel safe from disappointing those people. In my case, the fear of disappointing people led me to lie to myself about what I really wanted as pursuing it would put me at risk of having to deal with failure or acknowledging that this was an issue in my life. Fear shuts down our ability to be objective and rational and overwhelms our willingness to risk vulnerability - rather, we flee. Having a strategy can only help!!
Really powerful.
A brilliant video.
You‘re the best!
Absolutely right....💖💖🙏🙏🙏
If u can see it...u can achieve it! Everyone loves a winner..
Exactly Mel!
Wow! So many triggers for me. Fear disappointing isn’t my worry. My mom and step-father would beat me for minor things. When my step-cousin started touching me while we, my brothers and their friends wee watching my step-father clean a fish. I froze because I knew if my stepdad knew, I would be beaten to near-death. I never knew if my brothers knew or not, but it was a terrifying moment that he kept trying to repeat for years. I stayed away from him at family reunions because I thought he’d try again. So strange how we process trauma.
Mel. I think big. One of the keys to success is being the very 1st person to figure out the Catch of something NEW! No fear of disappointing ANYONE. Again, Think big ! Be your own self! In a humble manner...
I could be a motivational speaker on who I am n why I have gained so much in my life. With the pros n cons...💕
Very helpful.
Gold!
As a married person. I always picture my cousin that never see. He invited me over to talk to me about my problems at home. To tell me I needed to push through even though I was desperately lonely and trauma bonded. (still struggle) Because thats what God would want me to do. We still never talk. Now every time I want to change my home like my brain shows me his face. It's been 4 years and I don't know why my brain does this to me. Thanks Mel.
Woooooww loooove this!
Thank You.
As soon as she said “the fear of disappointing someone made me a liar” I thought about it and suddenly a huge weight felt like it had lifted from my chest
Amazing MEL! I love you! From Brazil =D
Have I told you I love you lately. I love you thank you.
Thank you
I’m going to pick a different strategy 👍👍👍
Avoiding making a scene !
Wow ! Yeah makes sense !
Interesting. I have to think on that a while. This was good to bring up the thought process to understand the need to not disappoint or cause a scene. But....how do you make the shift to operate with the idea to 'not care' what others think? Have you touched on that before? I'll have to dig through your videos.
Thanks ❤️
Hi Mel Thanks for your book i have just bought the 5 secund rule i use it every day ! i have a question can i use the 5 sec rule to tackle anger and resentment ? and do you have a video about that ?
Im crying just reading title
It gets worse and actually affecting my work. 'Cause sometimes you have to defend yourself or your projects or you need to tell a person who blew all the deadlines that it's not okay, that i expected it to be done in time or that it was done in a wrong way. And i couldn't because i didn't want to hurt the guys or make them feel disappointed. And i realised just a few years ago the origin of all that. My mom's brother was always acting like an ass and his wife too. And since childhood i've been told: just bare with it. Dont say a thing. They may not talk to us again otherwise. I'm sure they are sorry deep inside they just can't show it properly. Guess what i learned as i grew older? They are NOT sorry. And i always knew that. Once i started to speak up and defend myself it was a surprise to them. Working on it. But i can feel it's still affecting my professional life. And not only that. Still having a hard time standing up for myself. Thank you, Mel! I joined your channel just a few days ago and it's a gem i wanna keep forever)
Yep! It's called childhood trauma. There were people in my life that would get really angry and belittle me if I made a small mistake. It was a huge deal for my 5th grade teacher. I learned how to stay quiet and walk on Eggshells around her. But she kept calling on me when I didn't know the answer. She wouldn't let me be invisible. I have so much unresolved pain of being in her class. I was singled out in her class and never encouraged hardly ever.
Powerful
We want to avoid feeling guilt or shame!!
We come up with avoidance behaviors. That is why victims of abuse are so good at denying!! THEY feel shame or guilt.
Recently, I’ve experienced 4-6 different people who were negative towards me. They were absolutely irate & not because of something I necessarily did but they took their anger out on me. What should I do? How should I react?
Hi.. i recently realized that i fear dissapointing people. And it is because i don't want them to feel anything bad or negative because of my doing. Because i don't want them to let them remember that of me. It's better not to remember me at all. I kept on saying remember. Cause i've been plotting to end my existence since i was a child.
I’m not a very neat person. A lot of the times, my room (I’m currently 17) gets really messy and I already have a type of depression which makes it worse and I’ll already overreact over the littlest of things. Cleanliness has always been a bad topic because my mom cares very deeply about having a nice home and even if I do try to contribute to the very best of my ability, I’m not able to do anything. This goes the same for fragile items. One night, I was messaging some friends, and I accidentally started a whole FaceTime (which no one joined). I got so panicked that I accidentally threw my phone and my grandmother witnessed the whole thing. She then told me how this was an example I can’t take care of anything (we had a disagreement at dinner about it). I always feel awful about everything I do and I always lie and .. maybe I’m just scared. I wish I knew. I just want to stop fearing a bad look or the wrong words or disappointment in general. It’s probably not the best to blab about my personal problems on a commenting section on a RUclips video but screw it I’m sad and stupid. It’s not like I have anyone to talk to right now anyways.
i need to see full video of this topic or maybe u have the book?
:') :') thanks for saying these words *♡*
My situation is different, I don't lie to change how I look, I just get super upset at myself for not being the best I can for someone else. I work at a cafe with people I care about and I feel like since i'm not confident, they're disappointed at me. It's a bit hard for me to explain but I just feel useless to everyone everyday
I have the same story and strategy as well...
I fear it that they would misinterpret me, or are going to dismiss my need/ request as invalid. And that I will break down not being able to bear it or deal with it. Because I have so many unhealed wounds and stresses on top of each other.
Mel I have Autism and I am a woman who is 50 years old. I just recently found out after being diagnosed many other disorders. What can I do? How can I help myself?
Jennifer Threatt
Am I easily overwhelmed? Or is me being so upset listening to the fourth grade incident okay? I mean, I had to rewatch it to not be clouded by the resulting emotions of helplessness and actually finally realise the lesson word by word?
My parents want me to do many things for them. But i don't like their opinion sometime and i want to live happily my own. But i am very much tensed to disappointed my parents.
So what’s the different strategy?
Great stuff but I hate the quick cuts where there's no breaths in between words. It's exhausting
But what was the strategy as an adult?
What strategies
Everything she said about lying, I've done
So I love the information she shared, it really resonated with me, but she doesn't say HOW to end it, she just explains what it is and how it could've started. Does anyone have some good resources for how to end it?
Just start telling people the truth
I think once you recognize it in yourself and understand why, it brings new awareness to your situations maybe? Not sure, I’ll have to see because I just watched this 5 min ago but that’s what I’m thinking 😉
Boom 💥
Yeah 💯 like
I am from Malaysia. i need ur book
Whoah
I fear that by not marrying early I have made my parents and sis disappointed
Their voice on call show disappointment in me. I am happy and I am searching too..but their disappointment makes me feel so sad and anxious
No 😨