Breaking Traumatic Cycles with Cheryl Burke | Season 2; Ep 12
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2023
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Dancing with the Stars legend Cheryl Burke opens up about how childhood trauma led to a series of unhealthy relationships and the ways she learned to navigate narcissism in her own family.
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Guest Bio:
With over twenty-five years of dancing experience and several championship titles under her belt, twice Emmy nominated professional dancer Cheryl Burke first discovered her love of dance at the age of 4 taking ballet lessons and performing throughout the San Francisco Bay area of California. At age 20 Cheryl rocketed to stardom as the star of ABC’s surprise hit television show, Dancing with the Stars becoming champion twice, with NFL superstar Emmitt Smith and 98 Degrees singer Drew Lachey.
In 2015, Cheryl starred alongside Joe Jonas, Ciara, Nicole Scherzinger, and Marlon Wayans in NBC’s I Can Do That, a variety show that challenged celebrities to live outside their comfort zones. In 2020, Cheryl teamed with Backstreet Boys superstar and former DWTS partner AJ McLean to host the iHeart Radio produced podcast, Pretty Messed Up. Cheryl currently has her own podcast, Burke in the Game with the streaming giant and top podcast producing company, iHeartRadio.
In the spring of 2008 Cheryl opened her first of several dance studios, the highly successful Cheryl Burke Dance. In early 2011 Cheryl’s biography Dancing Lessons: How I Found Passion and Potential on the Dance Floor and in Life was released. The book addresses topics that shaped Cheryl throughout her life from the childhood abuse and abusive relationships she lived through to harsh criticisms of her weight and body in her early twenties.
Guest Information:
Instagram: cherylburke
Twitter: @CherylBurke
RUclips: @CherylBurke
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This podcast should not be used as a substitute for medical or mental health advice. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical advice, counseling, and/or therapy from a healthcare professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issue, or health inquiry, including matters discussed on this podcast.
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Narcissists are everywhere and these days it seems like everyone has at least one in their lives! Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, will help you spot red flags and heal from the narcissist in your life. Every Thursday, we will hear first-hand accounts from people who know this territory the best, the survivors.
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Years ago I was actually googling what was wrong with me when I discovered Ramani. I'm still caught up in my narcissist's patterns.. however, I feel like she saved my sanity in such a big way. Forever grateful 🙏
When asking what's wrong with yourself you sometimes find that you are an enabler.. from childhood 😭
I'm so glad to finally see people mentioning why The Notebook isn't a good example of love. He badgered her over and over until she relented. Terrible.
Right?!?! I hated that movie. Loves the book...
When I grew up a little I realized Sid and Nancy's relationship wasn't a good example of love either lol
It’s a terrible movie, many more like it
Interesting. I"ve heard it is a really good movie. Now, I may have to watch it after reading your comment.
I am one of those who have NO DESIRE to be in a relationship again. So I can relate to that.
I have so much respect for cheryl for making the choice to face her trauma and getting sober
You have respect for a narcissist? Lol
The hyper vigilance has got to be directly related to all of our ADHD issues. Our poor brains have been running overheated for so long just to keep us safe. Makes me sad. But hopeful that I can continue changing that aspect of my childhood trauma
I actually think the ADHD is from my trauma. Once I left the people/town that my trauma took place/was taking place~ the ADHD almost went completely away 😮 but it may be different for others?
@@starlingswallow there's a lot of overlap in symptoms between ADHD and Complex PTSD. Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté talks about it, I think.
Hyper vigilance and survival brain leads to OCD also
I testified at 8 yrs old & was traumatized by that experience, as well. Thank you for sharing your experience, Cheryl. You've helped me to unpack my experience. that happened 40+ years ago 💚
Society thinks avoidant behavior in the child is independence and take pride in their parenting when they see that early on. Such a mistake!
1:22:32 Attachment Styles:
1. Secure
2. Avoidant
3. Anxious
4. Mix of anxious and avoidant
Oh, Cheryl. I loved you on DWTS, and I love you even more now. You're a star, thank you for being so vulnerable. It means so much!❤❤🩹❤
I’m so grateful after so many years, now I understand what has happened to me all these years.
Much light to you Dr.Ramani
The brilliance of Dr. Ramani is truly on display. I watched this episode many times and still come away with so many insights. She has so much depth of knowledge and attunement I wish my therapists had...Thanks for posting this powerful episode!
Good-hearted people have wondered why I seemed to “isolate” a few years ago. After hearing this interview, I no longer believe that I need to explain myself. ❤
Totally disagree with the negative comments about talking over. V good free flow of communication with plenty of listening on both sides, each learning from or about the other 😊
Agreed.
Cheryl, If you ever read this Id like you to know that secure attachment is possible! I’m 42 and speak from experience. ❤❤❤
Cheryl, so happy for you devoting this time to living your best life in recovery. I wish you continued healing, growth and self love!💕☀️🩵
I love that Doc Ramani is looking to get ahead of this disease in society. It's very sad that there isn't more education at younger ages. Most times hindsight is the teacher.
I love this channel and would love to be a part of it as a psychologist who’s also been through this and still dealing with the aftermath-it’s unreal to be a psych and still fall into this wormhole and dealing with the aftermath to this day 5 years after “official” divorce date and a total of 19 years later. It’s an insane nonlinear process.
My dad had a psychopath ballroom dance teacher who borrowed money from him and never returned it, did the same to like 30 other people, and brainwashed a vulnerable guy into being his dance studio business partner and made that guy quit his job and devote his life to ballroom dance. Ballroom dance teachers tend to be scammy manipulators getting people in with intro group lessons and then saying manipulative things to them to get them involved. The kids are given adult choreography that they don’t understand at their developmental level, and kids don’t enjoy ballroom dance - it is just a show for the parents that the teachers put up. Social dancing is so much easier and more fun.
Cheryl is making the right choice to stay single and be at peace with herself
It’s interesting how we label protective as controlling. The ONLY thing the abuser is protecting is there supply. That’s it. There’s no protection out of love for the partner.
I've just let go of so many trauma emotions through this talk, thank you both of you, I was in tears at the end aswell.
What a lovely woman. Made me cry too. Go Cheryl!
OMG- a series with BOTH of you reviewing movies would be awesome.
I'd definitely sub.
Please do a break down of popular romantic movies and healthy ones too. I have loved the analysis of succession and I’ve never seen it. Your breakdowns are powerful.
I really would love a list of shows and movies that show healthy relationships. I still don't think I know what a healthy relationship is, and I don't think I see very many in my life, either.
Watch one with Vincent Cassel "My king"
Awesome video as always. Bit too much of cheryl talking over.
It’s a style of connecting and they are both enjoying the connection. It’s common in asian and Latin cultures…
@@brennanleyen👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I remember being in the courtroom. I was 11 the second time I testified, and I remember him sitting to the right of the room with his attorney. I only remember a few things from that trial. One was that the defense submitted a card 'he' gave me, I believe a Halloween card. I remember his attorney asked if he gave me the card, and then if I "liked" him. I think I responded he was our "friend," that I loved him. He did an impeccable job of grooming, as he gave us whatever we wanted. However, I also remember him being manipulative, even then, like when boys called the house.
I remember not recognizing a bedroom (from a list of pictures posted on a bulletin) because the decorations and furniture had changed since I last came over. I remember crying when his attorney asked me to give examples as to how he touched me when we were wrestling, and I couldn't give specifics, only that he had. The Court took a recess. After, the judge allowed my mom to sit next to me and hold my hand, which was nice. When she whispered to me that I was doing a great job, the attorney stopped her and directly asked me what she said, as though she was trying to coach me. I remember feeling like I was on trial, and I remember feeling incredibly guilty for hurting him. It took time for those memories to fade.
My father cheated and still cheats .And my
Mother always supported him and found excuses for him .And this makes me more upsat now I can see the reality .
The silent, iceing treatment out is really bad. I have to always keep reminding myself what it is and not to respond, not to defend. It’s so hard. I thought to myself this is the end and the last time I will ever go through this and block them right back on every platform am not going back.
Yet anther great episode! This is the third time I've listened to this one. I definitely think you'd have a full audience for a full season of you and cheryl like she said, where you just go into am the things with her.
Oh and definitely DO the healthy movies re-watch you mentioned @ 54:00 where you watch and comment on things like Pretty Woman and the Notebook etc etc. We'd all be better off for it. Please do! Or make them summary like you did with succession.
Thank you for highlighting so many things in here. Eg @ 11:00 you pointed out the different functions of the mind and body and for they seem at odds some times. This describes so much of my experience, especially how I got to the high vigilance and the very high productivity/perfectionism but I wonder how what you are referring to here rellates to disassociation. As I continue in therapy, I still can't seem to shake the hindrance to healing that is chronic disassociation (numbed affect, brought on again by retraumatizing by my mother several years ago.
Great Video as ever Dr Ramani. The romans, tv, movies, music clips are really advertising male dominance and even sometimes narcissistic behavior. It took me years to hate my favorite Disney Cartoon, beauty and the beast, because it made me unconsciously Belle, who is so good, who change the Beast. It will be nice, if you could talk about this culture Dr Ramani.
I love love love this interview. Dr Ramani & Cheryl Part II please! 🙏 Cheryl’s experience mirrors my own - with BOTH parents neglectful and the early trauma and string of abusive narcissistic relationships. And then there was so much gold in Dr. Armani’s comments - as per usual. Thank you Red Table, Cheryl, and Dr. Ramani. Amen to this healing revolution:)
Cheryl's story bears an uncanny resemblance to what I have lived through.
“The hustle culture is nothing to celebrate…”. Truth!! We are killing ourselves in the U.S. with this and people just praise it when we should be learning how to slow down!!
You both are so amazing. I have appreciated your youtubes and workshops since covid days. Many thanks for life-changing content ❤🎉
DARVO..So thats what happened when I told him he had abused me the past three years and he became completely quiet, sat in full shame and started crying silently so it ended up with me comforting him but I still said if he didnt seek therapy, it'd be the last time we met. He said he didnt have the energy for that so I said "Okay, last time..well, have a good life" very calmly and nicely and thats when I saw the hate in his eyes. If looks could kill. He was angry that I was leaving because it meant a loss of control and yup, he was at my door 2 weeks later again.
I had to use force to rid him and he's been away for a year soon but I know he'll be back bc he has noone else to turn and still lives across my apartment complex so I will get a ring door bell and record him when he does. Not that it matters since his father have tried to "fix" him and that didnt work, not his mother either, and the police closes the cases despite evidence so I'm relly alone in this. In the end it'll be him VS me and one of us will probably lose our life. He wont give up and neither will I. The difference is I have God on my side and this guy tried killing me once and didnt succeed and if I can survive THAT.. I can survive the next attack aswell.
💜🍀🍀🍀💜
That's what I say too about staying away from a RELATIONSHIP for at least one year.
This was such a great episode, I’m proud of her and myself 💙
Thanks for listening
9 years old! I did that with my father at 16, and that was difficult. Admire you for that.
Dear Dr Ramani you helped me understand my narc husband and I never felt the need for any other counselling. I wonder how many more years Cheryl will need to see not one but two psychologists?
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this conversation.
Romanticizing movies like fifty shades of grey and woman defending this "relationship" is so disturbing to me. Id love to see a video about this book movie.
Thank you so much for all the work you’re doing Dr Ramani! It has helped me so much
You are always welcome
Thank you ❤ I didn't realize I needed to hear this. But I did, very helpful.
You are so welcome!
Woot woot ❤ This is a 💎 gem! Thank you 🙏
I'm stuck with 2 narcissist currently. My husband and my son.
Most of my family :/
@@tiffcat1100 I'm so sorry.
@@Chronically_Kimberly The good thing is that we have info now, names, labels, hacks …
💜🥰💜
Thank you. Watching from Alaska.
Thanks for supporting us!
Amazing interview as always and I'm so thankful for the vulnerability that was shared and the deep analysis on Cheryl's formative experiences. Would it be possible to add the link to that site regarding "finding your attachment style" to the video description or a pinned comment? Thank you for everything that you do!!
I know Cheryl was bravely showcasing her path to healing, but Dr. Ramani is the expert here, so she could have done a better job of letting her speak and finish her statements without interrupting. In order for a video or conversation like this to help others, more than just herself, Cheryl needs to learn some active listening. 🙂 Dr. Ramani has so much valuable insight, but she’s interrupted at every turn, so very little of the analysis is actually digestible to the listener.
And cover up
I disagree. I think in some ways Dr. Ramani undermined Cheryl's experiences, not only because she repeatedly interrupted her, but because she also dismissed Cheryl's mother and stepfather by claiming they were negligent and neglectful. Harsh statements that potentially serve to cast doubt. Ironically, that feels like a form of gaslighting. Sure, Cheryl interrupted too, but perhaps she felt defensive because she wasnt being heard. Dr. Ramani kept giving her own opinion about Cheryl's experiences without knowing her. She doesnt appear to practice active listening either.
You mention not dating for a while. After this recent discard, I decided to seek out a therapist. I am aware of where this pattern is coming from (my Mother and Sister) and the familiarity in the relationship with the Narc but wanted more insight.... . During the 1st therapy session, he says to me "You know the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone... Go on a date". I knew that was not good advice. Though I did go out on one date, after the discard, and saw red flags (clearly red flags). During the 2nd therapy session, I talked out the date and the red flags. The therapist seemed to not 'see' the red flags that I mentioned. After that session, I looked up the therapist and found his personal FB page. He constantly posts about what he is doing throughout the day and he calls himself by 'Hot Toddy'. He posted a pic of his new Maserati. I decided to not go back to that therapist. THANKFUL for you, Dr. Ramani and all your guests.
Thank you
You are always welcome
✅️ good interview
Where is the link to take the quiz to learn your attachment style?
Im soo sorry Cheryl
I love you Dr. Ramani, but hunny.. PLEASE do SOMETHING about the solid-black backdrop!! 😬😂😩🙈🙏 Your black hair blends in with the black background & I find it to be a tad distracting lol What u have to say, is of the upmost importance, & your beautiful face deserves 2 be shining, front & center, where ppl can focus solely on the valuable information & insight that is being shared with them! 😊❤❤❤❤❤
Backlight will take of that
Good podcast, covered a lot of ground 👏👏✌
Thanks for listening
I am learning so much.
The topic is very interesting but unfortunately I couldn't understand 50 % of the podcast because the guest keeps interrupting Dr.Ramani 🌝
It was just ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Excellent information thank you. Just an FYI, due to the tradition of anonymity in the 12 step program -at the level of press, radio, tv, film which includes a video that can be posted on social media - I strongly suggest not identifying the 12 step program publicly as it broke her anonymity. Because of this mention, I would not re-post this which is too bad because it's valuable. (That is why the 12 step programs have been protected for so long. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of the 12 step program. It may be why she hesitated when you asked her .... )
Hi Dr Ramani, I am not a celebrity or an author but would love yo talk to you to stop gaslighting myself. Therapist and couples therapist are not all the same and I don't have enough money to try and test every therapist.
Very helpful podcast I just dont like how she over talks dr. Ramani so I did not hrar what she said about Nootbook breaking boundaries. Which situation exacly?
The guest is interrupting so much gosh
Don't scare them! Let them relax! People who are anxious and are open about anxiety, need a chance to learn to "dance" in their communication. Let it be.
Cheryl Burke: I am so sorry that you had to experience that kind of violation as an innocent, vulnerable child. There is such of injustice to go through abuse as a child. It is always injustice, but being a child, the vulnerability is boundless.
4:28
4:56
Because I lost all my social connections due to a cult like group and intentional isolation, I don't have trust, love and respect based human connections. Unfortunately the comment section took the place for conversations and therapy. Although it is not what replaces those very human needs. As much we do share here, we don't know who the other people are online. You can't really think it is "safe place" because everyone can act anyway they feel like, online people can say or do whatever they wish without consequences.
In the meantime, I am grateful that at least I have this. To have validation of my feelings of pain, loneliness, despair and injustice. To know that through narcissistic abuse, it is a pattern and it is not wrong to feel your feelings. Any human would when they go through this kind of abuse. You are " just human" facing inhumane treatment for someone abusive. At least I can write here down where it is can be written. Feels like those messages written on the wall of jail cells or dungeons. (It is interesting, even this is something that humans do in isolation and emotional distress.)
10:57 (And people sometimes think: you should be over it. You just acting out and it is you who is the problem)
11:28
😂I always said " Whore makes good" is a terrible example..re Pretty woman"
????
Godspeed
Dee
I agree with Cheryl, Dr. Ramani is the Asian Oprah! 🤗
This was so great! Keep up the good work!!😃
Oprah is child buser Allegedly
Your stepfather is a wonderful, kind man, so don't allow any psychologist or therapist to undermine the positivity and influence he's had in your life because he was the one to introduce the perpetrator into your life. That's not necessarily fair. It was the 80's, our parents were busy with their businesses, and they were trusting of other adults. Predators not only groom the children, but they also gain trust with parents so they can have access to those children. I don't believe for a second that if our parents had an inkling of what was happening behind the scenes they wouldn't have protected us from abuse. Being a victim of child sexual abuse is no easy thing, but can you imagine the guilt and horror our parents felt after learning about it, how they missed the signs, and how they inadvertently allowed this to go on for as long as it did? Now that I am a parent- my daughter the same age as the first time I testified against my perpetrator- I think knowing I failed to protect my child would be far more traumatic than being sexually abused myself as a youth. In other words, our parents were also victimized by our perpetrator(s), just in a different way.
Where is the quiz?
Cheryl father seems like a horrible parent
OMG!!! Can this girl stop interrupting!! I see she is really anxious attachment!! Maybe we could get more out of this without the interrupting!!!
This was a difficult interview to listen to. So much interrupting and just recounting events devoid of expressing vulnerable emotions.
Look, I know I can't tell you what to do, but did you listen again? #hadmilk
Cheryl has celebrity status, so perhaps this is as deep as she could go in such a public way. I agree about the interrupting though.
I agree
This is my favorite podcast and ive listened to every episode but i had to turn this one off
Give it a second and trust it.
If you were possibly attracted to the video to learn more about insecure attachment,
the insecure attachment can cause anxious response / difficulty listening
when your anxiety meets the interruptions.
If you are possible avoidant and the avoidance in your current personality is pinged, your wall goes up and you feel as if you cannot listen.
Perhaps the interruptions *in the midst of an insecure attachment style* pinged your state of discomfort?
If you're in a full blown panic you can't listen....
That's then your first priority.
Once you're capable of listening without your 4F going off, shame being pinged,
or sheer annoyance & jealousy God forbid,
try again and hear the patience gifted to you.
She may have unintentionally tried to squeeze many interviews into a single interview.
Going into the studio with Doctor Ramani who has honed her train of thought, to be almost a bullet train may cause a need to be heard as an adult, on a level playing field,
owning individual story and also serving in the process?
Acceptance.
I'm here to speak on behalf of the people. I am here in love, tranquility, and cooperation.
Give it a second and trust it.
I agree - it was really hard on my ears listening to this episode; so much so that I had to watch this one on RUclips instead of listening on my phone. Dr. Ramani couldn't get in a full sentence/thought without an interruption. I appreciate when guests (and people in general) are able to pause and actively listen without the need to chime in, even if it's to agree with the speaker (a simple nod will do). Also agree that this could be due to Cheryl's anxious attachment.
Helps us, as the audience, in becoming more aware of ourselves though!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz *STOP TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.*
.
Talking WITH each other. It’s a form of agreement.
I’m out! It’s nuts! Bye bye..
Please 🙏🏾 let’s do healthy romance movies 🎥 watch night yesss
She’s talking over Dr Ramini and it’s just really bugging me. I’m wondering if I would be nervous and do the same thing. I have been working on this when we feel triggers we need to step back and not interject our trauma which really is no way to learn. It feels like she is needing to outdo dr Ramini other than just listening and getting healing g. That comes out for me trying to watch it z it’s throwing me off. Dr Tamini can’t even finish a sentence where I can hear it. She keeps interjecting herself to the point that this is not healing. Is she an actress . She keeps needing to out do the expert. Sorry I’m just really having a hard time watching this it feels like watching an unhealthy situation.😢
She's a professional dancer in Dancing with the Stars. She tends to interject probably because she was raised in a Filipino culture having a Filipino mom. I am a Filipino and I used to just step in during a conversation. Now I learned to just actively listen and shut up 😇
What? Please. Cheryl couldnt get a word in. The interview was about Cheryl and her experiences, not about the doctor and her knowledge.
I enjoyed this but Cheryl interrupts a lot 😅
I'm really sorry. I find it so difficult to listen to podcasts where people talk over one another. I tried to listen to this but I had to stop. Such a shame because I think may have had a lot in common with the guest. Never mind. I'm loving the series otherwise
Cheryl is that way because of her Filipino upbringing. Filipinos when they talk they talk all at once. That was how her household and during family gatherings
It’s it’s too too much much... sounds sounds like like echo echo echo... yes yes yes
She talks over Dr. Ramani. That is a bit annoying.
Omg how rude to talk while Dr Ramani explains i just stopped watching because it’s irritating how she comments non stop you need more therapy girl bye
Cheryl interrupts so much it is annoying
Would this be a sign of her anxious attachment?? Gosh the interruptions trigger me lol