Abandoned by a Narcissistic Father with Dr. Lily Dunn | Season 2; Ep 26
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2023
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Brilliant author Dr. Lily Dunn was just six years old when her father abandoned her family to join the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh cult featured in Netflix’s Wild, Wild Country. In this powerful episode, Lily reveals how her father’s narcissistic behavior deeply impacted her life.
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Guest Bio:
Dr Lily Dunn is an author, mentor and academic. Her debut nonfiction, Sins of My Father: A Daughter, A Cult, A Wild Unravelling, a memoir about the legacy of her father’s addictions (W&N) was The Guardian Best Nonfiction Book, 2022. You can find her personal essays in Granta, Hinterland, MIR Online, The Real Story and Litro, and she is a regular writer for Aeon. She is co-editor of A Wild and Precious Life (Unbound, 2021). She teaches creative writing at Bath Spa University and co-runs London Lit Lab, and has a doctorate in creative writing, specializing in the therapeutic power of memoir.
Guest Information:
Instagram:@lilydunnwriting
Twitter: @lilydunnwriter
Book: Sins of My Father: A Daughter, a Cult, a Wild Unravelling
This podcast should not be used as a substitute for medical or mental health advice. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical advice, counseling, and/or therapy from a healthcare professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issue, or health inquiry, including matters discussed on this podcast.
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Narcissists are everywhere and these days it seems like everyone has at least one in their lives! Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, will help you spot red flags and heal from the narcissist in your life. Every Thursday, we will hear first-hand accounts from people who know this territory the best, the survivors.
New episodes weekly on iHeartRadio.
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It's amazing how much destruction one person can cause, but not uncommon in narcissistic families. It's unbelievable really to think how phony and manipulative a person is for their entire life. It's the naive children that end up being survivors for most of their lives because they don't receive the education on narcissism quickly enough so they can live a life without them...a thriving life.
“Lily is the only person who knows me.” He also used that to triangulate you and his wife. Perhaps a devaluation for his wife so she’d try harder.
My father abandoned me at 16, married my high-school bullies mom(found out thats why she bullied me). Then, he moved out of the country. He worked in law enforcement but was extremely abusive... he got away with everything because of this. I plan on writing a book to release once he crocks.
Good idea
Keep that idea a secret so many police get a way with stuff.
Do it now. You can wait to publish when you feel safe but get it down now and work with a good trustworthy therapist because you may hit some rough parts. You’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel, more creative, easier in your mind. Good luck!
At 6 years old, my "dad" told me i would never amount to anything. In front of my half sister. She looked at me in horror as he said it. I dumped my little red cup of sweet tea all over him. At that moment, I knew he was but he also knew who i was (a fighter). Years on ongoing abuse (including present day). Im still fighting. But im tired too.
I'm so sorry😢
My father neglected me and never really complimented me or encouraged me: he might as well have told me I'd amount to nothing. That's what his silence and absence told me, loud and clear.
How are you now? Are you still struggling to know in your bones that you can do and succeed at anything you want?
I'm still struggling to grasp this at 43.
I'm really sorry that happened to you. I had a narcissistic mother who abused me in every way, but I can't imagine how that must have made you feel.
We are all fighters because we learned early we had to be, but it takes its toll on us. I hope some day you won't have to fight anymore. ❤
I was told that I wouldn't amount to anything too.. but perhaps as a teenager I was told this.. my dad has estranged me at 32 and I am 48 now.. I wish we all could tell stories and have tea time during this abuse.. it seems no one understands this except those who have been abused.
My dad said that exact same thing too‼️
Many hugs❤️.
At the age of 35 I realized this year my mother is a narcissist. I knew my father was at the age of 32 or so… but my mother to everyone else around looks like a sweet lady. She’s called me fat as a child-teen which I was 5foot 113 lbs. , she called both my kids fat, told them they’d never have friends if they’re not nice (by the way both my boys are skinny lol which is crazy she’s put that in their heads…they’re also kind human beings.) typical tantrums of a child meant she got to tell them they’ll be unlikeable. I went no contact with her this yr. FINALLY, after a conversation when i told her my brother Sexually assaulted me from 3-6. She told me “ugh here we go, you always have to start drama ! What do you want me to do it’s been over 30 yrs and I’m not ruining your brothers family “. My dad then texted me telling me i need to let it go and apologize to my mom and make “things right again.” 😂 F that…. I have my boys and my husband , they’re all the family I need.
Congratulations 🎉
Wow! I wish I had your guys emotional literacy! I found myself hanging on every word because I know that emotional abandonment and emptiness. Thanks. ❤
I am slowly realizing that my mother being abusive is only HALF of what I must overcome....my dad was very much like Lily's dad but mine stayed in the house but lived in his head and left us in every way except bodily to eat and sleep... he stayed out as much as he possibly could.. I spent my life running after him and wanting him and yes I have gone for controlling older men lately yet in the beginning I went for no one... I spent years alone
I get that. My father the jekyl hyde, my mother unattainable, like a shadow. Took me decades to realise she was more abusive than him. She withdrew on every level except she was physically there. She did far more damage. Stay strong, keep growing, you're worth it 100%✌
Every Family Court Judge, Attorney and other specialists that work with families separating, divorcing and going through child custody should be required to listen to this interview. The focus in family court seems to be on physical abuse in a home without recognizing how destructive emotional and financial abuse as well as abandonment and inconsistency by a parent is.
Wow this sounds a lot like my father. Such conflicting issues as a child and now as a 40 year old, these issues still come up for me.
Also sounds a little like my child’s father. Eerily similar and sickening
And online dating is like this cult to my child’s father. He uses it to manipulate women, have promiscuous behaviors and focus on his sexual prowess. All of the kids are in some type of pain because of this. He is his moms “little boyfrie” so he was both idolized by her and abused by his father. There is some sadness for his inner child but parents like this are dangerous and should be criminalized for child neglect and abuse
I am not in the slightest bit surprised that Lily’s father was an early boarder. So typical of these men, that extreme emotional detachment. A subject that I have had way too much experience of both personal and professional. A superb interview. Thank you.
Heartbreaking. I'm glad Dr. Lilly has out-grown her father emotionally. The ugliness of the father's behavior is clear and the fact that he was sent away to boarding school in England at age 7 is also heartbreaking. It ruined him
Thank you so much for this profound interview! My 6 yr old daughter and I are in a very similar situation. I'm trying to figure out how to ensure my daughter's emotional well-being while also trying to figure out how to create financial stability for us while being able to maintain flexibility in my schedule to be able to spend time with her and be there for her so that she doesn't feel neglected by me as she is already neglected by her father. She asks questions and I can see the sadness in her eyes whenever she asks about why he’s not around or when she sees his photos etc. It is such a hard thing to experience and it is so helpful to hear of others who understand and have experienced this part of narcissism because I mostly hear of the narcissistic parent that is present in the home rather than the one that literally abandons their child/children. Thank you for sharing your powerful experience.
I can relate so much. I am so tired of still living together with my very narc ex gf but we have a son together who is only three. I thought I am going to stay here for his sake. Now I understand that it is better to rent smth close, because we literally can't get together anymore in a normal way. Kids are better to be shown a healthy relationships model. But yes, that is alll a ling kist of questions
Yes, that feeling of chasing a parent for the love you need want and will do anything to get and they're always out of reach. It's a rotten feeling on longing, needing and as and child you just can't understand. It steals your sense of self and replaces it with the trauma bond. Parents who do this are inexcusable imo, they had and child and that life is their responsibility but they go on their merry way fulfilling theiown needs instead
Thank God for her mother. Had her mother been narcissistic too she may not be here today. May all beings be free of suffering. ❤
This interview is unraveling many issues and questions of beeing abandoned by a narcissistic father.
Every story is different but the patterns are the same.
And the key take away really is to see him as he is.
Me myself even though I know my father is a full on narcissist and I didn't spoke to him since more than a decade and I fully understand it all, there are still moment's that I excuse his behaviour because of his upbringing. I did a lot of therapy, specially somatic therapy and I'm trained in breathwork and trauma release I came to the realisation that this little girl in me will always be there with the longing for love from her father. I came to the realisation that this little girl deserves me to be there and sit with her when the longing for love arises. And just accept what is. ❤
Thank you for this interview 🙏
My coercive narcissistic father was asked by my therapist to go see her, along with my mother. He went once. Never saw her again. Psychiatrist said, he was afraid to open up.
Astonishing interview! Loved it- and also the slow dawning on me of just how many adult narcissists I was surrounded by. The one uncle I trusted who told me that we weee so alike and differ from the toxic family- is also a grandiose and yes abusive narcissist.
Yes, the intermittent crumbs keep us hooked on some level.😮
@doctorramani
The statement of this father really touched me. "I'm a bad man and I'm afraid the people see I'm a bad man"
Do you think all narcissist know they are bad?
Thank you Dr. Lily and Dr. Ramani. This is illuminating. Thanks for the validation.
Amazing job! ❤❤
Doctor Ramani thank you very much for educating us on the dad wound.
could you please consider helping us understand, with your experience and the guests' experience, what women look for in men?
before and after?
For instance, Dr. Lily said she was seeking elder male, finding older male attractive, wanting to be protected, seeking a father figure, absorbing herself, with a maybe more dominant man.
What is the difference between the aforementioned and what "an equal" is?
Is this someone who does not seek a mother in his partner?
"if i have a bad parent, what does that make me?" - quintessential question
You took this theme full circle
You began on this question 1:13 and ended on this question
1:02:45
🔸2:24 once grieving, crying for a parent with puppy-like devotion, hanging on to a parent, being annoying to the parent, walking around as a slight mirror, scared of the parts that remind you of your irresponsible parent, repeating some patterns, inheriting traits,
doesn't disqualify you from higher education
🔸7:12 elders demanding children to be adults - "your feelings are your responsibility"
🔸36:33 🤔 😆🌻
🔸1:06:50
🔸9:19 you can have a good business instinct, be good at business, be an advisor, earn a lot of money, take risks, wish to be a millionaire
and also fail in business
🔸 14:55 much more interested in himself as a sexual being other than a loving being
in your experience, were many parents born in the 40s entirely overinsulgent?
Then we start to make ourselves smaller, viewing them as a drug, and us dumb enough to get high on them, when they're the addicts?
🔸21:34 Frustration: couldn't get access to what you knew would be fun and loving
Medicine, hit, drug
22:41 was it a drug? I actually think that that almost undersells what it was, so much more
more profound than that, it was joy, connection, safety in the world, happiness, most of all love
Wasn't at all superficial,
incredibly deep
(Paraphrase)
🔸42:45 Why do they become this way?
Disruption of attachment
Violent pulling away
Thrown into system of abuse.
Staying afoot in both systems,
Sense of safety is lost
(Paraphrase)
🔸He moved to Cali and he was tempted to drink Cali wine
Mill Valley is not far from Napa, California, a wine capital of the US and the world
🔸These parental relationships deeply effect relationships built after flying away from the nest, and break apart those relationships built in adulthood
🔸1:01:54 ultimately freeing yourself from that subjugation requires you to actually peer all the way in so you can see it
I can't tell you how many times I wished I could get a bird's eye view of the narcissistic parent being traumatized in their youth, as well as myself being traumatized
🐬 🌊 🫂
Thank you for this podcast. I am sorry about your experience with your father. On a lighter note, this reminds me of Absolutely Fabulous especially during the earlier years.
This is my story too. Besides the cult part. So incredibly sad. I will not do this my children.
Because of circumstances our family is completely scattered, we know virtually nothing of each other's lifes or existence even. Still life spans show the same pattern and the same incidents happen at the same time in their lives. Sometimes creepy similarities, while the son, daughter. nephew, niece has no idea of the repetition. They all presume to be their original unique self in making choices and decisions.
For my money more is determined by DNA than we hold possible.
I love the discernment and clariy in the language of Lilly Dunn.
This is so very sad. His childhood and hers. 😢
ty for sharing
Fantastic interview! I have a father wound. My family were abandoned by my father who had been an illegitimate child and was extremely angry that he had no father.
Then I as a needy 16 year old was groomed by a 23 year old who i ended up married to. His mother was likely a sadistic covert narcissist and I'm just now figuring out thay he likely is too.
I am absolutely going to have to read Lily's book. Thank you.
Omg I just emailed Dr. Ramani she should do an episode about Osho and Sheela. I’m wondering what cluster b she thinks they embody. It’s fascinating.
Thank you for this episode. I wanted to ask you or anyone here if you know anything about Paramahansa Yogananda and Ananda yoga. My best friend is getting more and more into it and she has been acting really strange lately. All she talks about is this Guru and the practices and she feels she has to share about it on social media because that’s what they told them. It looks like cultish to me. I want to help but idk how.
As a parent I can’t relate to her mother. I would rather protect my child. We can’t settle for crappy parents when we won’t settle for bad romance relationships. Period. I understand but I don’t agree !
What you dont agree with?
@@starqueenlotus3755 do you have children? If you have a child you can see it’s important for parents to make executive decisions for our kids and to protect them from harm even if it’s their own parent.
Dutch comedy: 'An educator is a wretch groping in the dark'. How can you know what will be the best for the child in the long run ? Protect against what in this situation? Apparently she lived for seeing her dad en be with him. Parents are normal people who try their best. '...settle for crappy parents' , I don't get that.
@@user-ij1nv8be3i that’s wishful thinking. Are you a parent?
@@jb-ze1yh I totally feel the same way
He was a very disturbed person.
❤❤❤
how old was Lilly at her father's wedding?
I was ten
20y Malaysian what programme should i take action now
They not half as bad as these guests when things are good here I guess . 3:56 The worse is i didn't get special education and social that i need . Mom also is in denial about not having real friends despite her charity , she blames it all on me depending on who in room . don't know how to see the truth without these sharing space no one answering . 8:13 these hit home all the family either unseen or punching bag 💢.
- 1 year ago.
What was her mother thinking allowing her kids near her ex husband I don't care she should had never shared custody with him
Pam! Pam from the office. That's who she looks like.
Lily's father totally reminds me of my own father he too was so selfish he didn't care about me of my brother's feelings he disrespected and humiliated my mother for years
He was abandoned by his parents (he's perception) and sent off to boarding school where he was abused and raped. OMG, that's not just an "undermining experience", that's horrific violence and trauma that he endured. That explains his method of survival: Being a raging narcissist Not that I'm giving him a pass for his horrible behavior, of course.
A lot people went horrific trauma but did it end up hurt innocent people especially kids,we are responsible of our behaviour and narcissistic people know exactly what they doing.
Wow! 😱The lack of empathy and selfishness is breathtaking…🥲Giving some context about her Father’s childhood and the TRAUMA experienced helped to understand the origins of the Narcissism…etc. Excellent video!!’