Relationship Red Flags with Matthew Hussey | Season 2; Ep 1
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- Опубликовано: 27 авг 2024
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Matthew Hussey, one of the world's leading dating experts, reveals important advice for recovering from toxic relationships and offers life-changing wisdom for finding healthy love.
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Guest Bio:
Matthew Hussey has the #1 RUclips channel in the world for dating and relationship advice for women and has empowered millions through his New York Times bestselling book ‘Get The Guy,’ sold-out live tours, six-day immersion Retreats, and powerful training videos. His advice reaches over 8 million followers weekly, and his RUclips videos have amassed over 300 million views.
Guest Information:
Instagram - @thematthewhussey
Facebook - Matthew Hussey
Twitter - @matthewhussey
RUclips - @thematthewhussey
This podcast should not be used as a substitute for medical or mental health advice. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical advice, counseling, and/or therapy from a healthcare professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issue, or health inquiry, including matters discussed on this podcast.
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Narcissists are everywhere and these days it seems like everyone has at least one in their lives! Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, will help you spot red flags and heal from the narcissist in your life. Every Thursday, we will hear first-hand accounts from people who know this territory the best, the survivors.
New episodes weekly on iHeartRadio.
#NavigatingNarcissism #NavigatingNarcissismPodcast #DrRamaniPodcast #NavigatingNarcissism #NavigatingNarcissismDrRamani #NavigatingNarcissismPodcastDrRamani #DrRamaniPodcast #DrRamanNarcissismPodcast
You both together, in one podcast , DREAMS DO COME TRUE
THE dream team 😍
thought the same!
lll
Yesssssss!!!!
So trueeee
It's refreshing to see a psychologist be personable and admit their vulnerabilities.
I thought your name said Uranusfishing😂
Mi
@@KoolT😂😅😂😅
Somebody lacking sympathy here, should get their loose screws fixed soon pshycho
Matthew is not a psychologist as far as I can tell by looking him up. He has no actual credentials I can find online.
Both of you have saved my life. I went from feeling like a piece of garbage after I was discarded by my narcissistic ex to being calm, confident and happy. The work has been extremely hard and the pain was almost unbearable. Please keep doing what you are doing.
I'm with you. This is so hard. My last hurdle is my inner thoughts. I am SO critical towards myself 😢
Going through it too. This is the worst feeling and it's like I meant nothing to him after thinking I was his everything. .. the pain and sadness is unbearable
I’m so proud of you. You inspired me today. Thank you. ❤
It takes a long time to know someone. You have to wait till the dust settles & “impressing” is over. The mundane of life’s relationships is when you see the true person.
💯 agree. Also, I hate giving up my power to someone I barely know. Trust is the make it break it factor.
Yes!!! Take time, go slow
Holy schlamolians! After 68 years of settling for abuse, I'd rather be alone. Toxic relationships are not adequate companionship. Nor do I call them "family".
I have/had narcissistic/psychopathic family of origin, offspring, spouses, and friends. (I collected the whole set.) I deserve better. They don't get to treat me like that any more. Life is short and not to be wasted.
Never settle. Blessings to you 🌸
Dr. Ramani = absolutely a live saver for me. Helped me ID, sit with Truth, and ultimately leave a relationship built on narcissistic abuse. Now, 7 months later & starting to date again, I see “narcissists” everywhere & could be projecting and over-correcting… so this is timely & great advice. ❤
5 months single free since seen narc cheating ex day 24 blocked from her stupid love bomb tactics in pain again cuz I almost fell for love bomb a month ago...ugh painful!! I know I made right choice I was stuck back and forth three yrs on off forgave her for cheating like a weak beta male I'm a total asshole now.
Yes you definitely start seeing narcissists everywhere, once you’ve been in a bad relationship
Dr. RAMANI is great!!! It is a great mystery to me why she is validating that huge narcissist Jada
@@calebkeegan3023 you aren't a total asshole... I've been down your road and keep getting love bombed back....I finally left for what I thought was For Good and housing circumstances brought me back for more of the same horrible cycle....I finally purchased a house but haven't closed yet ..let me tell you, I'm scared to death...I have limited education, limited job experience and no employment but I need to do this or I will probably kill myself....the fact that the end of this hell is insight is all that's kept me going....hang in there friend
Oh man, me too. A raging grandiose screamer, told me he was a MISSIONARY. 😂
I wonder if many joy-filled people are just choosing to remain single. Almost a year ago I ended a 25-year marriage to a narcissist. I'm so happy to again be giving my time to making the world a better place and building others up. I know now that my giving spirit and desire to be in a relationship made me a target for a narcissist.
Despite the suffering of the last 25 years, I like the person I've become (thank you Viktor Frankl, Dr. Ramani, and Dr. Carter!) and I am now free! I love being a Dad, and I love living with integrity. I really love being single again and living with meaning. I really don't know if I'd want to be in another relationship.
Do others feel the same?
I'm the same - divorced after being married for 12 years to a narcissist (plus other narcissist relationships before that). I got into my marriage because I had no family support (toxic) and I was lonely and wanted children. I now love myself so much I am quite happy being single, to be in a relationship I would have to meet someone as amazing as me and who loved me as much as I do, and treats me as well as I do. I'm free to be who I want, do what I want and chase my dreams unhindered.
Divorced after a 10 year relationship. And without all of the devaluing pulling me down, I'm suddenly recording an album!
Yes! Same boat but I’m 28. Left a 3 year relationship w a narcissist & do not intend to spend the rest of my 20s trying to understand anyone’s motivations other than my own. Will revisit the concept of dating when I’m entering my 30s
Yes I do feel exactly the same way. Single is filled with joy, no head games or manipulation. I sometimes can't believe how lucky I am to have such peace in my life. 10 years married to a covert narcissist.
Yes, me too... 60 year-old woman. My life is quite fulfilling, even alone.
I was stunned listening to this! So many wise points, but more than that: getting to know that even dr Ramani has felt inadequate, ugly and unattractive, desperate for a relationship feels both horrible and a huge relief. A huge relief, since in my eyes (and I am a very heterosexual female) dr Ramani is so very, very attractive in every way. So intelligent, sharp and good looking. If even she can feel that way, we should all know how easily our minds can trick us, let us down. Thank you for outstanding public information! All my love!
So true. She is so beautiful and refined, genuine and honest, helping so many. Like super catch. We can all be damaged. No one is above it. Her honesty and ours will help others. We all can heal. It just takes work. I’m so grateful for these two helping us do the work. Have fun with the work. And most importantly heal.
Narcissists do not always show off in the first dates, and talk about themselves - they listen and observe to learn who you are, to later use that and mirror you. But they do come on too strong, that's the appeal. They make YOU feel like the centre of attention. So I disagree with not making judgements and just throwing yourself out there to the love game as it is implied at the beginning of this podcast. If something doesn't feel right or organic, your gut is probably right, no matter how attentive or attractive someone is. There are some predatory men out there and they use different tactics, we have to watch out for them.
True, been there. And was aware of those red flags, but wanted to hope for a good outcome - wanting to see the good in them? But getting to know each other those red flags kept piling up. Needless to say, he was the victim and I was the crazy one. Although the rs didn't last long and I thought I got over it pretty fast, I often catch myself realising how it affected my trust in men, rs, etc
Agree with your statement, what you said was my experience
Having standards is the BEST thing that ever happened to me. Now I choose who I want and believe me it gives me the position I want in a relationship. I’m limited , but I’m happy.
Approx 48:00 - 49:00 leading into important deep dive
-Don't have tactics, have a standard
Asking a better question works for me: What is the truth between us? It raises curiosity and lowers anxiety. It is a question without a goal, as opposed to: Can we be a couple? Finding the truth between us gives us more patience, but also enables us to create the relationship together, with integrity.
I’m a 49 old Asian. My mother always told me she wanted a boy. My mother always told a woman is nothing without a man… as such I’m a door mat. My last relationship is with an extremely cruel covert narcissist. I left 4 weeks ago and I’ve lost all my money, been beaten, abused, told no man will ever want me because my vigina is too loose.. and the minute I left he has now got lawyers accountants and police on me.. this is why I was too afraid to leave for so long and atm I have a hard time understanding why this is all happening to me 😢
I am so sorry for you!! Be strong and safe! Bless you ❤️
You're so brave and strong, I hope you'll find happiness ❤
Praying for you Jeni, that you will have strength and clarity. I hope you find a safe place to recover, have you considered a DV shelter? They can help you takes steps to stay safe and find justice.
It will get better, hang in there and focus on healing ❤️🩹
Jeni, I am so sorry this has happened. From what you spoke of regarding your mother, she set you up to be a doormat, like my parents did.
You are everything without a man ❤ Please get to a DV shelter, they will help you get back on your feet. And before you do a relationship again, work on your self worth and self love. Define yourself, don't let anyone else do that for you or to you. Your mom doesn't define you, your job doesn't, money doesn't, friends don't, a man or relationship doesn't.
YOU define you.
Grab hold of that with everything IN you and don't let go.
Start journaling. What are the things you like and love about yourself? Who do you want to be? Who do you hope to be?
Do the inner healing, learn how to set boundaries with people because when you have boundaries, that will weed out the toxic people ❤
Sending you light and love!
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Yup. Them saying "I love you" actually means "I love what you _do_ for me" 😢
Isn't it illegal to hack into someone's phone? Like, if I got incriminating info from my ex's phone, I wouldn't be able to use it in court, right? 😮
@@starlingswallow you can.
They don’t say,”I love you”!
This is one of the smartest pieces I've read about narc abuse. I agree and second the idea that they have no energy to build a real relationship cuz they are in a state of emergency or chaos all the time. When they're done with you it's cuz they've been found out. You see what they are and no longer admire them and play their game (accept them as a victim & excuse their bad actions). By this time, they're replaced you so you are no longer useful to them. They do not love, true and hate themselves making them incapable of accepting your love for them. It is exhausting to try. If you insist, the psychopathic tendencies will come out. And then you'll be running for your life. You have to find the strength to close that chapter. Do not take it personally. You were just a pawn in their game. Sad but true.
The funny thing is, my boyfriend told me a lot of the things his exes complained about him, but he seemed so much the opposite when we first started dating, come to find months down the line, yup those things have come up as problems between us.
OH ! My heart goes out to Dr Ramani as a baby girl. 💖💝💖
Me too 😢💔
Omg I appreciate Dr R being vulnerable and transparent about her own experience. I have many of the same feelings and listening to her made me feel less alone and more sane. Very down to earth and real conversation. Helpful!
Thank you!
Narcs LIKE TO MOVE FAST. REMEMBER THAT
Like move on to get into another relationship?
@@Dragonfly_magictarotyep. They say I love you and want to be in a committed relationship within a month.
I love how genuinely they were both enthralled with the opprtunity to speak with one another.
I believe that it’s the other way round: Your standards are a concrete expression of your values
Wow, standards are so right on… playing the long game with the appropriate investment … authentic behaviors & showing up! You both have helped me grow immensely!!! Thank you!
I have modeled the kind of relationship I wanted from people in all types of relationships, personal and professional and have gotten no where.....All it did was build up a sense of entitlement in the other person where they expected me to be emotionally supportive of them and kind toward them but they dealt with me in a dismissive manner where they rarely ever asked how my day was and only did so if they had time to kill and could fit me into their schedule......Sometimes they dealt with me in an outright exploitative and dishonest manner....
When I decided to leave my marriage, I had to create a plan B and fall in love with it. That looked like falling in love with a whole bunch of new things: struggling to support myself (looking at apartments and housing in a new way), finding ways to recreate myself as a single/solo mom, letting go of being taken care of, being excited about meeting new people and learning about myself through dating. It was a lot and took YEARS before I finally left because it was easier to ignore my truths.
Congratulations!
This is me but we never married. I can say after 22 years it's still the same process since we have teens & very much can get along. I however can't live with a lack of intimacy & adventure. His hobbies overpower mine so I'm finally spreading my wings. I'll figure it out...
I love the work of Dr. Ramani and Matthew Hussey; however, I felt that this podcast episode fell flat. I received the strong impression that Matthew did not have a grasp on narcissism/narcissistic personality disorder or the relationship dynamics that exist if he were looking through the lens of someone who is a narcissistic abuse survivor. His dating/ relationship principles were grossly oversimplified --not realizing that when dealing with these personality traits on the spectrum and/ or those individuals who are disordered that these predators are not playing checkers-they are playing chess. In my opinion , there were two different conversations going on during this podcast.
I think that the whole deal and discourse of Matthew is how to bring the power back to the person. From that lense, it doesn't matter if the other person is a narcissist or not. He wasn't discussing narcissism, but rather how to build a sense of worth and how to start to imagine that a different reality is possible. I do understand what you are saying. I came out of one of these abusive relationships in 2019, and I think is very normal to see everything from that framework (so to speak) for a while. But at some point you have to become the main character of your life and focus in what builds you up, what strengthens you, what gives you solid foundations that others cannot destroy that easily. Regain agency, in summary.
Agree that there were two different conversations going on. Dealing with abusers is not general dating advice. Also, Ramini has credentials to discuss abuse, not sure if MH has qualifications in this area
From the very start he didn’t answer the first question properly
How a partner shows up in their behavior daily is key, in the end that's what helps me make my decision. As soon as contempt, insult, criticism show up then it's time to go.
I will never understand how anyone could treat a person who is there for them in an intimate relationship with anything less that respect and kindness. If ANYONE likes us, wants to spend time with us and seems to think we are important, and is kind to us we should make sure we recognize that and value it. Because in my life's experience you can go a very long time and not meet anyone who gives a toss about you, at all. True connection and a potential for healthy love is a rare thing, something worth working towards and showing up for by being our own best self. And, appreciating it as the special thing that it is.
MH speaks about trusting. I trusted my partner for over a decade, then made a discovery. Got help for the relationship and did my best to trust again. What happened was gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, lying and cheating. Lying and impressing during therapy. Good idea to begin with trust, but it doesn’t necessarily work.
He actually talks more about having standards and always working on yourself striving to be your true self.
I didn't know her story. Now I empathize with her much more.
Narcissist are experts at pretending to be the perfect "dater". They hide, they sneak, they pretend to be your ideal partner... then you get married and find out... the rest of the story as it dribbles in.
I come from a very long line of first born Scottish males named Robert. It was never said to me directly, but I always knew I ruined centuries of tradition and lineage as a first born girl. I remember at a young age being at a family function and saying that everyone must be disappointed that I was a girl and seeing a roomful of dropped jaws. I don’t know if it’s because I made the connection without being told or because I had enough balls to say it out loud!
All that to say, it set me up for confidence issues and feeling very uncertain about where I fit in my family and the greater world.
I love Dr. Ramani's raw honesty here. 💕
VERY happy to see the next season. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability Dr. Ramani .
I love how Dr Ramani breaks things down and summarizes the conversation. It brings it all together.
The part where Matthew talks about Audrey's text is really good: it's a real life example from him, with vulnerability, lessons learned, it's real! That's really touching. Same for Ramani's part where she talks about her childhood that forged how she entered into relationship. I'ts, I think, the first time I see those two do that and I'm grateful for them opening a bit more bu talking about their journey. ❤️🙏
When ending up in a relationship where you have to verify facts, that's a little too much. You have to just go with your gut & if you choose to ignore those red flags one by one as flags passing you by, you have to have responsibility for your own choices in the actions you portrayed in this scenario. You're not the victim at fault. You also contributed to the outcome of ignoring your first red flag getting out of dodge.
Wooohhh, I can't believe that I am seeing Matthew Hussey talking to Dr. Ramani and bringing this conversation to public!! You guys are truly amazing!! Thank you so much! Kind regards, from Madeira Island.
Dr Ramani, THANK you for sharing a bit about your story. I love this new age where we don't have to idolize our teachers, they don't have to hide and pretend they are better than everyone else for us to listen to them. It is our vulnerabilities, it is our negative experiences that provide us the DRIVE to do valuable work in the world. So I just wanted to acknowledge the vulnerability you have shared here with us, it is important and I hope you feel appreciated and embraced for doing so.
I must say I was really positive surprised from the level of subjects discussed. Nice podcast. Dr Ramani, as a female physician with middle east origin I can understand the hardship for the women of color. Somehow our culture has disappointed us but honestly western culture has disappointed me too. The world is still not ready for women, who are career oriented and opinioted. Most of such ladies around me found love in blind dates organized by their friends and I see the point, these are the men who value such ladies .
I needed this podcast right now.... The segment about not having a reference point and going back to the same person or type of relationship has hit home so much with me that I have already backed this up and rewatched it 4 times already
I’m so impressed by Dr. Ramani even more than before. Thank you so much for letting yourself be vulnerable this means so much more and 💯 relatable.
The part where she opened up really helped a lot.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, for bringing up the biological clock and time concern. I am 36 and my most recent online experience was filled with criticisms from men telling me I am too old to have a child.
Those are some shitty men. You have around another 10 years of fertility. If you're healthy, there's nothing to worry about biologically.
That phrase,I’de rather have something than nothing at all.. that made me cry which caught me by surprise.. I realize I need to reevaluate my standards in my relationship.. Thank you for that simple phrase and simple understanding of one’s own value..
Wow this was such a deep and meaningful podcast. You both discussed issues that go undiscussed so much in society. I appreciated the vulnerability you both showed. Absolutely amazing. I wish everyone could listen to this conversation it would change so many lives in such a positive way
Wow I'm in tears feel the same way Dr Ramani several narcs and this last one worst. Six months since seen her in two months re blocked her from trying to Hoover me back and I'm in a lot of pain and I just want to move on and it's so difficult and I'm sitting here in tears watching. I hope I can get over it I'm such a mess. I did it tho I said no and blocked...day 62 of forever still so painful cuz dad a narc and arguing w him on phone haven't seen yrs since mom died suddenly and was born in cult.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS CONVERSATION!!!!!!
Start to do behaviors that will create the kind of relationship you want to be in, model the kind of relationship you want.... incredible advice!!
Agreed that at the end of the day, if you are not happy or things do not make sense even if you love the person and would like it to work ...It really doesn't matter what they are, they are not right for you
The openness & honesty from the both of you is truly remarkable, brave & incredibly appreciated. Your heartfelt “truth” Dr warmed & touched my heart. Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you Dr. Ramani for being authentic and your willingness to be vulnerable about feeling a insecure in the realm of dating. I would never have guessed that about you based on your confidence and your intolerance for mistreatment of others, I can relate to the idea that when it comes to others, I’m the first to stand up for the underdog for the abuse or mistreatment of another but yet I have accepted much less for myself. I respect your insight more as I grow in my own healing
Text them back! It’s better than waiting around wondering. If the person tells you in one way or another, that they are not interested, they’re the wrong guy!
Wow Doctor Ramini opening about her own personal experience really put things into perspective for me.
This was me, something was better than nothing, but that something cost me six years and a whole lot of devaluing of myself. I am 67 now. I did not have six years to throw away so casually. It would have been better to be alone during that time to discover me.
Falling in love with plan B and accepting to the point that you are glad Plan A didn't happen.... my oldest son is adopted. If I hadn't struggled with infertility, I wouldn't have him in my life. And my life would be completely less whole.
Honestly, Matthew can speak to his perspective as a conventionally attractive, white cisgender man. He has the privilege to not be a red flag detective. Personally for me, that’s exactly who I want to be. I have been socialized to let people take advantage of me from my parents, to teachers, coaches, & bosses who should have had my best interest in mind who were only interested in getting what they wanted out of me. I definitely agree with some of what he shared but for some people who are particularly susceptible to being manipulated and ‘had’ so to speak honing our red flag detective skills IS what we should be focused on. Of course once we feel like we can do that with efficacy we can relax a bit. The key takeaway is to GO SLOW and learn the person and allow yourself to be learned. But honestly most men don’t know much about needing to be hyper vigilant. As a straight woman I need to be on guard for men who are legitimately going to physically harm me if they feel rejected by me. Furthermore, as a dating coach Matthew makes money off teaching women how to play games with emotionally unavailable men. He’s out of his depth here. That’s how I feel.
Chantelle: Awesome comment, spot on!
Totally agree.
Rubbish. His fundamentals are about NOT playing games. He literally says playing games with people's hearts is dangerous and be very careful. I have been very successful twice on his advice. I also have very good standards.
I agree. He's monetising women's insecurities and wish to find "the one". I don't find his teachings revolutionary in any way. And I find it difficult to follow him on top of that. I mean, Dr Ramani has a way more complex vocabulary and explains some deeper stuff, but I still find it easy ( and pleasant) to follow her
Your hair looks so beautiful that way it makes your face come alive!
This is useful for any relationship. How equitable is it in the too and fro and that positive dance would indicate for me whether they have it within them to think, reflect and have empathy for the other and the way the relationship is working. Very useful to look at the balance with parents friends colleagues not just romantic partners. Narcissism is a toxic dance and when you grow up with it your map of the world is so scewed you don't have a clue what a good relationship even looks like.
I enjoyed this combo as I did follow Matthew for a while but struggle to fully understand his concepts sometimes but you concretize them. It is a great pairing.
Dr. Ramani, this is so beautiful. Your words are endlessly revelatory. I've been watching and listening to your content daily for 4+ years on my own journey and this video was so disarming and touching. Thank you for everything you do. Your brilliant work and your brilliant vulnerability.
I havent even started yet bit I'm really excited- I found Matthew Hussey back in 2016 and did his program and courses and he was integral in my self care. I realized quickly in that I was depleted and had completely lost myself between my relationships, work, and I quickly realized it really is necessary to create a love life of yourself and the things that light you up inside or you're just going to keep picking the same characters for traumas that keep playing out consciously and subconsciously.
Aaaand enter Dr. Ramani a couple years later, lol. And all her insightful brilliant work. Grey rock saved my life, many times, many occasions. Knowing WHY they were behaving as they were saved my heart, and knowing there was nothing I could od about it but move out the way and take care of me and my kids saved my soul.
I'm really excited for this podcast- two awesome teachers in one room. Thank you both for your work.🙏
Go in without an agenda. Just have fun.
People reveal themselves in time.
Aww hearing you share your story Dr. Ramni brought tears to my eyes. You are so beautiful inside and out. Thank you for sharing your story ❤
Yes, when you stand up for yourself your phone doesn't ping as much. Learned to say no to siblings for $ and they no longer ask. 👍 Thanks very much
I’m writing a book about how Multiple Sclerosis became my biggest blessing, rescued me from a marriage to a psychopathic narcissist.
My journey from disabled to enabled.
I think it’s a good read, unless you’re the narcissist.
❤❤❤
What's so bad about dying alone? I would rather die alone than have someone who uses me. I mean, literally, wth. Standards is the empowerment. Have standards for yourself. If you want to set the bar super low - lying. Lying is horrible. Lying, if you don't do that? Then why justify it in other people?
Thanks for beeing so open and share your vulnerability 🙏
I just wanted so say your are really beautiful inside and out. everyone can be luck you be with you 😊
I can’t help but comment on this beautiful podcast. I have listened to Dr. Ramani on other podcasts where is the guest and she had lots and lots of powerful knowledge to deliver, very much unknown about her personal life about love. The way she has been able to be so vulnerable but also holding her power at the same time is truly incredible. And Mathew must be one of the kind influential persons I have ever seen on RUclips. They both hold the amazing powers to themselves. Love you both so much!
Unlike other commentators I didn´t like the collaboration with Hussey. Firstly, he made lots of statements which doesn´t add up to things Dr. Ramani teaches. For instance: "you can change at any given time in your life". vs. "personality patterns aren´t likely to change much".
So the term "changing oneself" is either used in a very broad way that could mean "you can look at what you normally do in your dating life, understand it and its implications and try to change it" or it could encompass the personality and trauma related issues also. So it´s very broadly spoken, vage and something one can expect from coaches (overgeneralizing something so they can never be wrong about what they say).
Secondly, I think there is a lot of "rationalizing one´s own feelings" going on in the episode. Which is contradictive to processing the parts of oneself that still hurt and need to be looked at in the light of possible trauma bonds and core wounds everyone has (and so on).
And for instance I wanna remind of the piece in which he told about an older female client who felt the need to lower her dating standards in order to get into a relationship at all or "staying alone forever". That one leads directly into old core wounds, to me it sounded like "being left out", "no one wants me like I am", "I am not wanted" and so on. But instead of looking at it emotionally, what I´m used to when I listen to Dr. Ramani, what happens? Hussey rationalized it, the core wound that showed up is not being taken into consideration, instead a "workaround" is found how to deal with it.
And these are my problems with this episode, I was really looking forward to. Because I really really like her work and I like her insights. I like her YT-Channel and I like her podcast. I´ve read her books. She´s helped me in so many ways and I know her work will also in the future help me with several things. I cannot thank her enough for this.
In this episode it kinda felt she´s only half there, not intimidated by him but kinda "off", not laid back but kind of, yes, half there. I´m sorry if this isn´t explained good enough, english is not my first language.
And lastly: her content usually speaks to everyone, besides gender, culture and sexual orientation. Hussey is a straight dating coach, therefore this content is highly heteronormative. Which I felt excluded from as a lesbian woman. And no, many things in the heterosexual world is not translatable into the lesbian and gay community.
You know, everything doesn't have to be for everyone. You don't have to like everything on the menu -- just pick what you want and enjoy it. If there's nothing to pick, order elsewhere! Also, people don't have to have identical or even similar views to have an interesting conversation.
@@hhumh6911 Same goes for you.
And just bc I don't like everything "on the menu" it doesn't mean I shouldn't express my view on that just bc some - like you apparently - don't like it. It's not on you to explain to me how I should interact with content I find questionable. Critical thinking is part of any process.
@@calizero8503 totally agree with you about thinking critically. It's really important to keep reminding ourselves that Hussey is essentially a salesman so his bottom line is always going to have a huge influence on the advice he provides.
True! I am a straight single woman, but always found his videos off putting and lacking substance. He gives me a bit of narcissistic vibe himself. And he's rather a pop psychology influencer ( can't find a better description), but he somehow knows how to touch vulnerable spots in women who lack self-confidence and how to sell himself 🤷
Both of you have had tremendous impact on my life when I was struggling the most. Both of you validated my version of what I was experiencing in abusive relationships and encouraged, literally, me to have the courage to value myself too. I am now happily married and am supporting so many people. Im on the other side. One day, I would love to shake each of your hands and say thank you.
Until then, thank you. ❤
I wonder now, with the epidemic of loneliness, the desire to hold out for someone who is willing to invest on par with you is slowly dissolving. Many of those in relationships abandon friendships and don't want community outside of a relationship which not only puts a heck of a lot of pressure on your partner but also makes your previous friends very very lonely which can lead people to go and try and find a relationship because we're told that is the answer to loneliness (which isn't true).
This is refreshing and watching it just made me feel better about red flags I missed.
I like the picture of someone wanting to come through the wall rather than the door. That’s huge.
I have 4 tips:
- Get a high paying job
- Workout and consume a healthy diet AKA get fit
- Avoid arguments of any kind, stay away from those environments, eventually this will come naturally
- Treat yourself to things that make you happy
Do this and watch things unfold
Both of you working together, a BLESSING! I really enjoy hearing you both on different podcast and shows here on YT.
Dr Ramani it’s not every day and every physiologist who a) have been born in the different culture b) admits to the indifferences of culture and the effect of that in their upbringing and c) admits even though they are successful that those conditions and cultural differences have made them have a different outlook in life. Sadly in some cultures it’s not even the parents fault because had they been educated and had access to other point of view or were in the different environment, they would have learnt better so they wouldn’t have treat their amazing daughters in such ways. Women in many countries are second class citizens as they have been tiered down due to the religion or culture or aristocracy. I am glad you have become the voice of this particular issue. It’s very courageous and vulnerable. I think this will make parents or future parent question themself and hopefully they will become a catalyst for change and we break this toxins belief. For my parents they got to learn this in their older age, and the mistakes they had made for wanting boys over girls. My dad comment was I am so glad God ignored my wishes and I hope you girls forgive me for making you feel not wanted. I know your parents deep down also feel this, but there’s huge amount of ego that come with parents from certain culture and or religion and that admitting or apologising is not something they learnt or comfortable at their core. Your statement made me want to write this so you can read that you are not alone in this. Much love ❤
Dr. Ramani, thank you for sharing such deep vulnerability on this episode. I truly hope that you continue to build on your self worth and learning how to have standards and boundaries bc you are truly such a beautiful beautiful woman. Not only are you physically gorgeous but you are brilliant, down to earth and a delight to listen to. Thank you for all you do!
• Insightful, I used to think I was a great judge of character-the older I get, the more cautious about believing my initial assessment(s) becomes.
• I love the-"I don't know"-it's a great way to slow things down. "I don't know"-allows us to take time to get to know the other person. It's a wonderful way to overcome the stardust of the initial attraction and dig into the deeper person. I no longer put voice to an immediate attraction, I like the "wait and see" approach for friends, colleagues, or dates. If I lose someone because I want to slow down, then I believe they weren't meant for me (said as one who has not dated in forever).
Matthew, I've listened to you before and I can honestly say this interview shines a light on your growth and insights. I like this side of you. Dr. Ramani, thank you as always for your honesty.
Alone with a cat is just not so bad! 33 years with a narcissist, no need for a proper diagnosis! I had a masters in experience!
I can relate to this so much. I recently discovered that my father has been a narcissist, and it's been a difficult journey to come to terms with how this has affected me and my relationships. But through awareness and understanding, I'm finally on the path to healing. To anyone else going through something similar, know that you're not alone and that awareness truly is the first step towards healing.
What a privilege to listen to the two of my favourite people on the internet. Both of you changed and rewired my mind in so many ways i can't begin to describe. You are both truly genuine souls with the mission to help and the way you articulate your thoughts is just something I'm looking up to. I feel so grateful for this talk and for both of you.
I wish you energy and drive to keep your exceptional work going.
With love 😘
Very interesting to have a piece of personal story from Dr Ramani. Love from France 🇫🇷
Why haven't I been listening to this podcast? Dr. Ramani has helped me so much on her YT videos, along with Dr. C.❤❤
Im In aa sobriety and getting to know someone is so lovely and to take my time is so nice. Last relationship helped me to get in to therapy and fins out y I was attracted to toxic men xx
I didn't know you feel that way but I totally understand, Dr Ramani. I grew up similarly in a narc family, then a narc marriage. I left both at risk to my life. I had no idea how most men treat women...it changed me and I am ok alone now; it's taken many devastations to face the reality of how people treat each other in relationships and even family. Naturally, you will reach the Audrey level of emotional openness!! You will pull up your standards to compare to how you treat yourself, and by your desired standards. Don't worry. True love will accept you. And it will counteract the risk of abandonment.
Oh Dr Ramini I just want to put my arms around you and show you how much loveliness and beauty you have inside and out. I can absolutely relate to this. I just wound not be able to admit it because I would be so ashamed. Thank you for your openness and willingness to share this with us. You are beautiful and we love you for you, just being you without all the advice just you alone is that special child that you notice nobody sees but you grew and that’s all that beauty is there and you just weren’t appreciated but that insecurity has been welded inside and my heart breaks for you. You are truly wonderful thank you for all you do but mostly for being you
Thanks for supporting us!
Amazing conversation, thank you so much! I have to also say thank you so much for acknowledging that men experience a time-pressure as well for marriage and kids. I’m a woman who knows she doesn’t want kids, and constantly hearing it come one way many times (toward women) is hard. Anyways it was a breath of fresh air!
So many gems here, but I’d never heard the relationship with life before. Again, this was phenomenal, appreciate it ❤
Thank you both of you!! Great collaboration and please do it more often!! ❤❤❤❤❤
This is an amazing podcast. Thank you for helping me not feel so alone. Its comforting to know that you both have the beliefs and standards I have about myself, that you feel all of the hard feelings and still get sucked in by toxic people. I vacillate between the old me and the me who has worked in therapy for 24 years. I learned my lessons well growing up as the scapegoat and the truth teller. Thank you.
Second season on. My life officially makes sense again.
I’m currently in this position of assessing red flags very late. 6 years into a relationship and engaged im now realizing that I’ve had no boundaries and allowed the “changes” will come mindset to continue a toxic cycle. I’m starting to convince myself that I’ve been trying to hard to fix my partner and that they may never meet that standard.
Took tons of notes from this podcast and found it really helpful. I think the highlight point for me was Hussey basically asking, do you want external validation or genuine peace as your ultimate life goal? Such a powerful mental shift when addressing our urge to drop our standards when we want validation/ affection from potentially non-peaceful places. It’s this question of how do I actually achieve peace and happiness in a healthy way that’s actually going to get me what I need? And that recenters what our actual priorities are.
I also just want to say I perceive Dr Ramani as an incredibly intelligent, socially insightful, pretty, and refined person. I have probably watched hundreds of hours of her talks at this point. I perceive her as someone totally worthy of respect. I perceive her as someone who has helped SO many people through very dark times, who has helped people achieve the fundamental human need for connection in a healthier way. I perceive her as a person who the world would be a much worse place without.
And to know that someone like that can struggle with low self-worth, to think she’s not worthy of being wanted, because of how she was treated by her family… It really puts things into perspective for how damaged self worth, especially in childhood, can act like this hole in a bucket that no amount of water can fill because we just focus on the wound and the ways we’re not perfect robots. But being worthy and doing incredible things doesn’t require perfection. It doesn’t require you to have no bad habits, flaws or societal incompatibilities. We’re all just human, and I’m sure many of our famously beloved figures who did incredible things may have still had bad habits like being chronically bad at time management or who knows, but it didn’t make them any less talented, good or worthy in the world.
good one!
Thank you for podcast, there were so many take aways. I’ve just gotten out of a marriage with covert narcissist and have been ruminating over all the red flags I ignored or explained away. I had always thought I was a great judge of character and yet ignored the red flags, so interesting and helpful to hear “I don’t know”, that has really stuck and the plan B. Working on what the plan B looks like.
I loved the content. Just felt that he kind of minimized a little how much an empty shell that a person is after years of a narcissistic relationship. My marriage is ending after 18 years and I honestly think I'll never be able to date and trust men again (because I totally know I'm wired only to toxic relationships and absolutely cannot trust myself). I'm 41yo, I love connection, touch, hugs and kisses, and the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is terrifying, but I don't see any other safe alternative. It's heart wrenching. I'm completely terrified of my future...
The honesty and vulnerability that you both displayed made me cry. Dr. Ramani, you saved so many lives. Mine included. My best friend watched every episode to help me get out and over a narcissistic relationship. My BFF, died last October. I hope she heard today’s episode. She was from Suriname. So, she was Hindustani. Believe me! She had enormous standards. You can have any man you want with you intelligence, beauty and selflessness. Matthew, I am learning so much from you on how to move forward. You both deserve all of the love in the world. Happy for you and Audrey! Dr Ramani, if I ever see you on a flight to Johannesburg or California, I’ll probably going to bow down in comply and utter gratitude. Mathew, you are too young for me. 🤪 But, you and Audrey will get the same love. Two amazing people! Very authentic and BRAVE!
When she started to tell about her vulnerability about her current relationship and how if it blew up she doesn't trust that she could do it again...in those moments, she looked the most feminine, the prettiest, I've seen her. Its interesting that when we are guarded, it even changes the way you look.
I’d rather have Nothing than something… something doesn’t work for me. I love you Dr. Ramani , don’t settle for something ❤
10:56 don't go head over heels on first dates either. Go slow watch for 90 days.29:27 standards if you've got legacy. I got boundaries.hitting or two timing its OVER to me
Never seen this softer “less Capricorn” side of Dr Ramani…us capricorns do have quite a vulnerable side and it’s nice to see it ❤
Congratulations Dr. Ramani on season 2 of your podcast! 🥳 I just listened to episode 1 and can’t wait to hear more! ❤
Its baffling how different the image we have about ourselves is from the image others have. Dr Ramani comes across as such determined, self sufficient and strong person ( which she definitely is), you'd never think she would settle for someone who treats here any other way than right. It's somehow comforting to know we're all humans at the end of the day. It was funny that she mentioned the single cat lady, I sometimes think I'm gonna die alone. Is it a sad thing to think about? Sure it is. But I prefer it to being with someone who makes me feel lost and wondering who I was before meeting them and how did it come so far?
After a lifetime of trauma even though I have worked on myself and wanting a partner, I am unwilling to be w a Man who does not provide safety. My 5 cats provide that. Abd Id rather have peace w my cats than no peace or safety w/o them or a man who does not provide that.
This is a powerful, informative, helpful interview, and conversation! Appreciate you both!
Thank you for your candor Dr. Ramani!!! That's why you are so passionate and are so insightful!!!! All that pain is why you offer the world so much!