I tried to have a number of conversations, he flew off the handle and "trained me" to not speak up. Eventually the resentment was uncontainable and I ended up becoming a person I didn't like very much. I had to walk away - best thing I ever did.
Tell your partner about the topic you'd like to discuss, summarize it but directly follow that with "and when would be a good time to talk about it?" I then use this structure "I feel __ because the story I'm telling myself is ____." This acknowledges that you are not calling the other person out on anything that you are telling a story about the situation. The important part is to really listen to your partner when they respond, repeat back to them what they just said so that way you make sure that you both are understanding correctly and that way your partner feels like his/her/their voice is heard. Then, ask for what you need, compromises, or circle back to the conversation
My ex husband was very negative about everything in our marriage, and was always very angry.. He only cared about him self, and what he wanted to do, like drinking every weekend, and only spending time with his friends, picking everyone over us. He felt everyone was out to get him, when something went wrong. I tried to give him what he asked for and tried to change myself in order to be what he wanted. I thought if i agreed for him to have more time away from us, he might start to miss me and my son and he decided he loved not being with me. I lost my self in that marriage for six years, and I am in a actual partnership now where me and my boyfriend work as a team, and I dont have to walk on egg shells anymore, toxic people are not good to have in your life.
I am in this toxic relationship right now,he is negative about us and me,every time I open my mouth I need to careful about each words from my mouth which my trigger his angriness …he might just got angry and went crazy start verbal violence and then block me ,and then show up when he calm down and block me again …
*“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”* ―Dale Carnegie Have a Nice Day! 🖤
This was insightful, as my parents are TOTALLY fixed minded and TOTALLY negative people who have no desire to change. There's nothing to be done except cut them out. I loved how you said "when you want them to win" because we also have different definitions of what "winning" actually is, and if we both have opposite definitions of winning then we also have a big problem because winning for me may be losing for you. Also true for my parents, their definition of winning is my definition of losing in life and vice versa.
Oh good point. I had an aha moment when you said we may have different definitions of winning. I guess that is where the desire to understand each other's perspective comes in. But well said. And YES, I totally agree. People should want each other to win.
I really want you guys to talk about how time has played a role for you both in your relationship. How much time did it take for you both to get to these places of trust and raw functionality? This is a loaded question but maybe just a video covering as much about time in your relationship and it's importance and maybe how patience as played a role with time.
I keep hearing that people treat you how you let them or how you teach them to. I never dealt with the level of disrespect I see from men this past few years. All I know to do is avoid toxic or negative people. I don’t feel it’s my issue they are rude or uncaring, ect. Thoughts?
The best thing about this to me is how Tom emphasised he would work on multiple other routes like therapy before just leaving someone. If you love someone and want to be with them it's at least worth trying to get through these issues!
I’ve been obsessed with all of your videos. I will confirm, men are biologically able to compartmentalize better. There are several studies including the box study, and evolutionarily with stress response from hunter/gather. But biology is biology, it’s our job to meet our biological differences with empathy. That’s human.
I was with it until The last part . It’s not your partners job to help you execute your goals. It’s YOUR job. Your spouse can support you and help when they are able to. But never put the pressure of building up another person on another human being… even your spouse. Many relationships fail because on top of homemaking, child rearing and the woman’s own goals the man expects her to be immersed in HIS goals too. Doesn’t work that way.
I need toms passion and aggresiveness towards this answer. I feel like you guys should extend some way on his no bullsh*t response to this. id love to learn it, point me in a direction of more content or create some! life changing stuff! thanks!
Yes, you can. Just not all of them. Anyone who cannot recognize a shit partner not worth the time lacks the perspective - once it's done, they've learned.
Louann Brizendine, neuroscientist, has published two books on the topic - the female brain / the male brain. Worth reading. The male and female brain are the same, but individually the brain connections (to neurons) / wires differ. It all depends on upbringing, stimulants a child was exposed to.
A negative person would NEVER even consider growth mindset, they would turn the tables on you and say you’re the negative one for trying to change them and trying to pretend that the world is a great place. My two options for people dealing with this, 1-simply leave and explain why clearly. If they decide to change good for them but you have no expectations. 2- accept them as the negative person that they are and love with with all their negativity. Let them be negative because it’s their choice and you continue seeing the world in the way you want. Both options will bring you peace
I am with you Lisa and more and more people are starting to acknowledge that men and women and not the same. I have heard it said a bunch of times now that the women's movement, although it did do a lot to help women progress, it also created some problems too. One is confusing equality with sameness. We are the same in many ways, but there are some areas where we are fundamentally different.....as you both alluded too...for many reasons. I have also heard it said that our current model of feminine power is based on the model of male power because that was the only example we had at the time. We have not actually seen what true feminine power is yet. What does that actually look like? With these questions and considerations, maybe men and women can finally move forward together as equals and celebrating and understanding what makes us beautifully different. The differences may be a challenge at times, but they help us both to grow and be the best versions of ourselves.
My struggle with "growth mindset" is that it requires giving up everything that gives me dopamine, and lack of dopamine makes me a short-fused, irratible, depressed mess.
The reason why men can be single focussed and compartmentalise is their brains are wired differently than ours We are home makers & nurturers & multi taskers whether like it or not - and men have to hunt - hunt one deer or one job or one thing - we have to juggle They can put everything aside to work 80 hours a week or hunt something for hours til they have caught it Women are interested and concerned for the home & children & relationships & flowers on the table & or their neighbours etc etc
Aw, kinda sad how Tom had to keep putting out the disclaimer as to what Lisa meant by female vs. male brains. I know exactly what she means but goes to show how toxic the internet can be!
In my relationship, it's my boyfriend who holds onto everything and brings up shit from the past that I thought we already dealt with... it happens whenever he's called out for something and feels defensive. He's a recovering alcoholic so hes used to avoiding responsibility at any cost lol
As a women I do find it harder to separate what's bothering me from everything else. Once one thing goes wrong it feels like everything is wrong with me and my life and I get suicidal. All the solutions and coping skills I've gained go out the window and all I can think about are the negative sides and memories and it's exhasting. I just have to find a way to get hope and not give up, it hard....I don't feel needed at all..... and I am not sure if working out, making art or helping people will actually make me happy. It's difficult to forgive myself for being such a lame fuck.
Fake it until you make it. Try pretending you aren't a lame fuck. Practice behaving as if you are needed and are useful. Be responsible for managing your thoughts and pretend you are stronger and more capable of not being such a baby over the something that is bothering you. Practice acceptance of what is bothering you and the past and stay in the moment. Discipline yourself. God bless.
"All the solutions and coping skills I've gained go out the window and all I can think about are the negative sides and memories and it's exhausting." Notice from your language here, that this is a mindset that is preventing you from growing. Seek a therapist.
this probably sounds crazy but I clicked this video on accident and my eyes started watering immediately. wow I'm so glad i found this, i can't even describe how much i needed to watch this
He either walks away or fills the rest of what he thinks I'm going to say when I'm only 2 words into a sentence, mostly turns his back no matter the subject. I'm so sad
I think trying to convince a partner to go into "self improvement" if that's not their thing, is a mistake. You've basically started this discussion on the premise that your spouse will switch from what you referred to as a fixed mindset.
So i have asked my partner to please stop doing things that i find inappropriate that makes me uncomfortable,with her guy friends, she keeps telling me she wont change who she is, or that im telling her she cant have guy friends, that she has beem friends with them before me..i refuse to be with someome who will not consider me and my feelings so i ended it..how do i get her to understand that i did not ask her to change who she is but ceartin things i did not like when we were together
Damn, I actually used to like this guy 😢 He is so worried about what his viewers are going to think. He is not the kind of person that tells you how he really feels. Too worried about hurting somebody’s feelings.
No she is actually correct the brain is structurally different between men and women. For example, the area about speech touches the area about feelings in the front in women and in men one of the parts is farther back in the brain so it literally takes men more time to talk about their feelings.
It is a mindset where you are always looking for opportunities to challenge yourself to be better (emotionally, physically etc.) Not letting problems in life stunt them. Overcoming burdens.
11:42 Yes Lisa I think it's true on average (but sometimes it fasters and rots in its little compartment, unbeknownst to the fellow who put it in its compartment). Obviously exceptions to every rule.
I am really confused, I looked up the speaker and don't see him having any background on therapy or psychology. But he seems very confident in giving expert advice to people he doesn't know on how to manage their loved ones. Negative people as far as I know aren't jerks, they're usually struggling with something. PTSD, depression, phobias. You name it. Sitting down and intimidating them into changing their "attitude" by threatening breakup is insane. What if it's your child or parent, you're going to ground a person you care who is already having hard time? You're going to kick them to the street? I mean common, this is beyond shallow and irresponsible. I came here because I was angry at my negative spouse, now I'm just baffled at this channel.
Hi guys. When I heard you talking about the difference between a mans brain and a women’s brain. I thought of this clip. Have a listen and let me know what you think. Thought it was interesting.
Also, I have one radical possible solution to force someone to drop their walls and open up to a new perspective...I've thought about dosing someone with MDMA or a similar euphoric psychedelic drug just to allow an open conversation without aggression. I may still try this
Women and men's brain are different. Structurally they are different AND parts of the brain are different sizes and how we use it is different. The Amygdala is different sizes in men and women. Females Amygdala is larger than a man's, though a man uses his more efficiently because he needs less information to use it. Therefore different. Meditation can restructure the brain. It's proven. Through tympanoplasty.
Have you had to address a toxic partner? If so, how did you approach it and did it work?
I tried to have a number of conversations, he flew off the handle and "trained me" to not speak up. Eventually the resentment was uncontainable and I ended up becoming a person I didn't like very much. I had to walk away - best thing I ever did.
Tell your partner about the topic you'd like to discuss, summarize it but directly follow that with "and when would be a good time to talk about it?" I then use this structure "I feel __ because the story I'm telling myself is ____." This acknowledges that you are not calling the other person out on anything that you are telling a story about the situation. The important part is to really listen to your partner when they respond, repeat back to them what they just said so that way you make sure that you both are understanding correctly and that way your partner feels like his/her/their voice is heard. Then, ask for what you need, compromises, or circle back to the conversation
My ex husband was very negative about everything in our marriage, and was always very angry..
He only cared about him self, and what he wanted to do, like drinking every weekend, and only spending time with his friends, picking everyone over us.
He felt everyone was out to get him, when something went wrong.
I tried to give him what he asked for and tried to change myself in order to be what he wanted. I thought if i agreed for him to have more time away from us, he might start to miss me and my son and he decided he loved not being with me. I lost my self in that marriage for six years, and I am in a actual partnership now where me and my boyfriend work as a team, and I dont have to walk on egg shells anymore, toxic people are not good to have in your life.
I'm glad you found a real relationship where you feel heard and loved.
I am in this toxic relationship right now,he is negative about us and me,every time I open my mouth I need to careful about each words from my mouth which my trigger his angriness …he might just got angry and went crazy start verbal violence and then block me ,and then show up when he calm down and block me again …
@@Emma-ee6mc why do you stay in that relationship?
*“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”*
―Dale Carnegie
Have a Nice Day! 🖤
Thank you for that great quote
This was insightful, as my parents are TOTALLY fixed minded and TOTALLY negative people who have no desire to change. There's nothing to be done except cut them out. I loved how you said "when you want them to win" because we also have different definitions of what "winning" actually is, and if we both have opposite definitions of winning then we also have a big problem because winning for me may be losing for you. Also true for my parents, their definition of winning is my definition of losing in life and vice versa.
Oh good point. I had an aha moment when you said we may have different definitions of winning. I guess that is where the desire to understand each other's perspective comes in. But well said. And YES, I totally agree. People should want each other to win.
Lisa, you look gorgeous with your hair down! ❤
I really want you guys to talk about how time has played a role for you both in your relationship. How much time did it take for you both to get to these places of trust and raw functionality? This is a loaded question but maybe just a video covering as much about time in your relationship and it's importance and maybe how patience as played a role with time.
I keep hearing that people treat you how you let them or how you teach them to. I never dealt with the level of disrespect I see from men this past few years. All I know to do is avoid toxic or negative people. I don’t feel it’s my issue they are rude or uncaring, ect. Thoughts?
The best thing about this to me is how Tom emphasised he would work on multiple other routes like therapy before just leaving someone. If you love someone and want to be with them it's at least worth trying to get through these issues!
I’ve been obsessed with all of your videos. I will confirm, men are biologically able to compartmentalize better. There are several studies including the box study, and evolutionarily with stress response from hunter/gather. But biology is biology, it’s our job to meet our biological differences with empathy. That’s human.
Yes 100%
Wired that way
I was with it until The last part . It’s not your partners job to help you execute your goals. It’s YOUR job. Your spouse can support you and help when they are able to. But never put the pressure of building up another person on another human being… even your spouse. Many relationships fail because on top of homemaking, child rearing and the woman’s own goals the man expects her to be immersed in HIS goals too. Doesn’t work that way.
I need toms passion and aggresiveness towards this answer. I feel like you guys should extend some way on his no bullsh*t response to this. id love to learn it, point me in a direction of more content or create some! life changing stuff! thanks!
You can't "fix" relationships. People don't change for the better. All they do is bring you down too. Best to walk away. Life's too short.
Yes, you can. Just not all of them. Anyone who cannot recognize a shit partner not worth the time lacks the perspective - once it's done, they've learned.
Louann Brizendine, neuroscientist, has published two books on the topic - the female brain / the male brain. Worth reading. The male and female brain are the same, but individually the brain connections (to neurons) / wires differ. It all depends on upbringing, stimulants a child was exposed to.
A negative person would NEVER even consider growth mindset, they would turn the tables on you and say you’re the negative one for trying to change them and trying to pretend that the world is a great place. My two options for people dealing with this, 1-simply leave and explain why clearly. If they decide to change good for them but you have no expectations. 2- accept them as the negative person that they are and love with with all their negativity. Let them be negative because it’s their choice and you continue seeing the world in the way you want. Both options will bring you peace
This is exactly my thoughts. Thank you for putting it into words
*If you are really passionate about something, you will do it even if the odds are against you.*
*-Elon Musk*
Great video. My only issue is the phrase TOXIC. It’s black n white which is the type of thing we are trying to avoid.
I've had some success dealing with my sometimes toxic boyfriend by trying to understand why he is so toxic and trying to understand first.
This was one of the greatest things that I’ve watched today. The level on insightful-ness is staggering.
I am with you Lisa and more and more people are starting to acknowledge that men and women and not the same. I have heard it said a bunch of times now that the women's movement, although it did do a lot to help women progress, it also created some problems too. One is confusing equality with sameness. We are the same in many ways, but there are some areas where we are fundamentally different.....as you both alluded too...for many reasons. I have also heard it said that our current model of feminine power is based on the model of male power because that was the only example we had at the time. We have not actually seen what true feminine power is yet. What does that actually look like? With these questions and considerations, maybe men and women can finally move forward together as equals and celebrating and understanding what makes us beautifully different. The differences may be a challenge at times, but they help us both to grow and be the best versions of ourselves.
I totally agree with Lisa that the need to address an issue is definitely a woman thing
Tom is so BadAss! ❤️ these videos! Please keep them coming! Thank you Lisa!
My struggle with "growth mindset" is that it requires giving up everything that gives me dopamine, and lack of dopamine makes me a short-fused, irratible, depressed mess.
Makes sense. Hence your handle, "Clutch". They say that knowing is half the battle. Being honest and true to self is so important.
Love the rawness of this conversation!
The reason why men can be single focussed and compartmentalise is their brains are wired differently than ours
We are home makers & nurturers & multi taskers whether like it or not - and men have to hunt - hunt one deer or one job or one thing - we have to juggle
They can put everything aside to work 80 hours a week or hunt something for hours til they have caught it
Women are interested and concerned for the home & children & relationships & flowers on the table & or their neighbours etc etc
Aw, kinda sad how Tom had to keep putting out the disclaimer as to what Lisa meant by female vs. male brains.
I know exactly what she means but goes to show how toxic the internet can be!
In my relationship, it's my boyfriend who holds onto everything and brings up shit from the past that I thought we already dealt with... it happens whenever he's called out for something and feels defensive. He's a recovering alcoholic so hes used to avoiding responsibility at any cost lol
😂😂😂😂
Run and never look back - he's a narcissist!!
He clearly doesn't think those matters are closed. You probably just said "sorry" move on.
As a women I do find it harder to separate what's bothering me from everything else. Once one thing goes wrong it feels like everything is wrong with me and my life and I get suicidal. All the solutions and coping skills I've gained go out the window and all I can think about are the negative sides and memories and it's exhasting. I just have to find a way to get hope and not give up, it hard....I don't feel needed at all..... and I am not sure if working out, making art or helping people will actually make me happy. It's difficult to forgive myself for being such a lame fuck.
Fake it until you make it. Try pretending you aren't a lame fuck. Practice behaving as if you are needed and are useful. Be responsible for managing your thoughts and pretend you are stronger and more capable of not being such a baby over the something that is bothering you. Practice acceptance of what is bothering you and the past and stay in the moment. Discipline yourself. God bless.
"All the solutions and coping skills I've gained go out the window and all I can think about are the negative sides and memories and it's exhausting."
Notice from your language here, that this is a mindset that is preventing you from growing. Seek a therapist.
My wife said i should still wiln in life despite her being a weight. Which is true. But really hard. Thoughts?
A strong Fire Wall No Tres Passing Zone -
to keep Monsters far away
this probably sounds crazy but I clicked this video on accident and my eyes started watering immediately. wow I'm so glad i found this, i can't even describe how much i needed to watch this
This was good you guys!
He either walks away or fills the rest of what he thinks I'm going to say when I'm only 2 words into a sentence, mostly turns his back no matter the subject. I'm so sad
I think trying to convince a partner to go into "self improvement" if that's not their thing, is a mistake.
You've basically started this discussion on the premise that your spouse will switch from what you referred to as a fixed mindset.
So i have asked my partner to please stop doing things that i find inappropriate that makes me uncomfortable,with her guy friends, she keeps telling me she wont change who she is, or that im telling her she cant have guy friends, that she has beem friends with them before me..i refuse to be with someome who will not consider me and my feelings so i ended it..how do i get her to understand that i did not ask her to change who she is but ceartin things i did not like when we were together
Absolutely brilliant
Damn, I actually used to like this guy 😢
He is so worried about what his viewers are going to think. He is not the kind of person that tells you how he really feels. Too worried about hurting somebody’s feelings.
No she is actually correct the brain is structurally different between men and women. For example, the area about speech touches the area about feelings in the front in women and in men one of the parts is farther back in the brain so it literally takes men more time to talk about their feelings.
What is the best video or Book for Growth Mindset
Isn't "I want to work towards a growth mindset" the exact definition of what a growth mindset is???
:D
OP has good recs, what can I say? 🤷 (Sounds like a growth mindset to me lol)
It is a mindset where you are always looking for opportunities to challenge yourself to be better (emotionally, physically etc.) Not letting problems in life stunt them. Overcoming burdens.
11:42 Yes Lisa I think it's true on average (but sometimes it fasters and rots in its little compartment, unbeknownst to the fellow who put it in its compartment). Obviously exceptions to every rule.
I am really confused, I looked up the speaker and don't see him having any background on therapy or psychology. But he seems very confident in giving expert advice to people he doesn't know on how to manage their loved ones. Negative people as far as I know aren't jerks, they're usually struggling with something. PTSD, depression, phobias. You name it. Sitting down and intimidating them into changing their "attitude" by threatening breakup is insane. What if it's your child or parent, you're going to ground a person you care who is already having hard time? You're going to kick them to the street? I mean common, this is beyond shallow and irresponsible. I came here because I was angry at my negative spouse, now I'm just baffled at this channel.
Ya it’s bs
Hi guys.
When I heard you talking about the difference between a mans brain and a women’s brain. I thought of this clip. Have a listen and let me know what you think. Thought it was interesting.
I am able to let things go quicker than my boyfriend, so I don't know that she's on point with that.
Not male or female thing. As a woman I easily compartmentalize.
13:30 Ahhh yes, the old "suffer with me so I can feel better about my suffering" notion. It's petty and self-absorbed.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🙏🏻💖🌷
Also, I have one radical possible solution to force someone to drop their walls and open up to a new perspective...I've thought about dosing someone with MDMA or a similar euphoric psychedelic drug just to allow an open conversation without aggression. I may still try this
Just smoke some mj if it is legal. No need to use an illegal drug and def no need to dose someone, esp without their knowledge. Yikes dude 🤦♂️
Love it lol 😆
He is irritating af to me. Mansplaining from the high horse. Tone it down a but, you ain't in the theatre 🤦🏻♀️🤡
Women and men's brain are different. Structurally they are different AND parts of the brain are different sizes and how we use it is different. The Amygdala is different sizes in men and women. Females Amygdala is larger than a man's, though a man uses his more efficiently because he needs less information to use it. Therefore different. Meditation can restructure the brain. It's proven. Through tympanoplasty.